Dumb People Town - Todd Barry - Doorknob Nachos

Episode Date: August 27, 2019

Todd Barry stops by Dumb People Town to hear about a man caught breaking into a house with an unusual partner in crime. In story two, a woman finds a household items in her nachos and in story three a man claims to have a time machine and to be from the future.

Skypains Avenue Hey, Townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Barry. Todd Barry. The lovely Todd Barry. Welcome to the show todd barry welcome to the show thank you for having me it's not uh very often that we get you out on the west coast so this is a real treat for us thank you for being here yeah i come out here i just don't tell you guys oh well hang on a second that feels mean guns blazing coming out shots across the bow barry he got mad at us because we took a shot at cats then he sent a beautiful picture of todd on twitter and he's the doctor the no dr cat no that's right i

forgot i did you said like this picture of you and your cat it was so cute and then i was reminded of your great old joke about how you lofted everything in your apartment you even lofted the cat you lofted the cat oh my god i forgot cat. Oh, my God, I forgot about that joke. That's a... He lofted that joke in his brain. I've written so many great jokes I can't even keep track. Daniel, how are you, sir?

I'm good, my friend. How about yourself? I'm good, but I think we believe, and maybe Todd agrees or disagrees, we believe the world is getting dumber

or dumb is getting louder. Probably getting dumber, right? Yeah, I think a little bit. I think just, you're out in the world performing comedy. You see the stupidity that exists.

You started comedy in Florida. Is that correct? I did, yeah. Where? Whoa. Where in Florida? South Florida. First place I went on stage

was North Miami. North Miami. North Miami Beach, actually. I did, yeah. You made it. He got through? There was a moment when I was in Florida

in West Palm Beach where, which I know is not that close to North Miami, but it's not that far. It's about an hour. Where I remember someone told me, just don't go five miles in any direction. If you go five miles out that way, it's just a lot of meth head. Don't go five miles that way. Don't go five miles like this. It was like weird.

It's a bit of a generalization. But it also could be a rule of thumb. You also might hit a nice mall or a beach five miles like this. It was like weird. It's a bit of a generalization. But it also could be a rule of thumb. You also might go hit a nice mall or a beach five miles out. I was like, if I go to the beach,

if I go five miles out in the ocean, there's just like a floating meth stand. Yeah, I wouldn't go five miles out into the ocean. No, no, no. Don't do that.

That's good to know. Well, we get great stories sent to us by our awesome fans and Dan. Let's dive in. Let's dive in. Are you ready? This is sent in by Joe Luttrell

at the gentleman, Joe. Joe is out here doing work work i appreciate you uh if you want to be like him all you have to do is at daniel van kirk hashtag dumb people town when you send in your stories on twitter pasco county florida you know where that is i don't actually i don't either um a florida man is facing a burglar burglary charges after being accused of breaking into a Pasco County home with a horse at his side. So that's his partner in crime. You would think, yes. Maybe he's taking that song Old Town Road to the next level. He breaks into houses with a horse.

Like the horse, he puts the horse in the house as well. He's the horse, side horse bandit. Side horse bandit. Sounds like a cool dude. I can pull that off. I'm not into robbing people's houses. Nor am I, but it's kind of a feat in its, into itself. To me, it feels like you're setting the bar even higher.

So all these people like these ring doorbells. Yeah. They're like, dude with a horse. What's a horse? Honey. It can't be. They're on vacation and they look at the app and they're like, there's a horse trying to. There's a quote from the homeowner.

To Trojan horse of sorts. There it is. Steve Ferguson. He said, maybe a bicycle or a truck. Who takes a getaway horse to a robbery? Someone who wants to get away and not using streets. A horse is better than a bicycle. Was that a Tell's old joke of having sex with a horse because then you have a ride home?

I think that was. It sounds like one that he would. Sounds like one he would. I forgot about that one. No, but wasn't there a thing recently about how now you can take a Shetland horse onto a plane? You can take a Shetland pony as a comfort animal. Oh, my God. It's getting ridiculous.

You have to buy another seat i mean if you listen no there was a picture of the horse sitting in front of people who pushes those boundaries who's the first person going i'm gonna see if i can get a i gotta get this eighth year old's birthday party going between burbank and phoenix immediately that's a lot of shit i'm gonna go for it i'm gonna just gonna bring the horse you're like jeff i don't know if that's a really good idea but just'm going to go for it. I'm going to fucking drag it. I'm just going to bring the horse to the airport. You're like, Jeff, I don't know if that's a really good idea. But just everyone. No, Jeff, go until you get the no.

Keep going for it. Just don't think it's like a little really big dog. Or that's the person who wants people to look at them at the gate. And that is also the person whose initial argument is, so you don't want me to be comfortable? You know what I mean? They come in hot with that argument. And my answer is no. No. I don't want you to be comfortable you know i mean like they come in hot with that my answer is no no i don't want you to be so maybe this guy that's his thing this is an

emotional support robbery animal where's the horse i mean it's an obvious question but where's the horse on the plane shit huh where does it shit where's the shit that's what i'm saying that's a lot of question you were just asking that's a lot of shit it's horse shit i just proved that i wasn't listening no that's okay you You don't have to buy another seat? You got to buy another seat. You don't. But I don't think the other seat solves the... Yeah, because the horse isn't going to sit up in that seat, but I guess you got to buy

out the row. The horse isn't going to be like, is it okay to go to the bathroom? I see the lights on, but it seems kind of... You just can't loiter around the area. I don't feel a lot of turbulence. And you know, Southwest will make a joke about it. You are now free to shit about the cabin. Oh my God And you know Southwest will make a joke about it You are now free to shit About the cabin

Oh my god I wish they could make a joke That good Who writes for the Southwest I don't Stewardess Sometimes they're funny I mean I've had

What? I've had the occasion Not on Southwest But when you go on Like a United And you get sort of Some rogue Funny flight attendant

And they're like Outside the flight plan so to speak i had one recently but i forgot what he said so but it made you laugh yeah i was like all right that's just it was surprising have you guys been on a flight yet where they do the yoga no no i don't know if this may be only southwest spirit air dan they have every single person they tell all of you put your hands straight up in the air stretch stretch stretch and it's all just a ruse obviously take then they're like and bring your hands all the way down to your lap and then make sure that seat belt's tightened that's the whole thing that

they're trying to get towards so it's seat belt yoga then everybody fucking church laughs and i just sit there and shake my head i hate a church laugh well because you hate how easy it is that they got the laugh oh you know how hard we have You know how hard you have to work to get a laugh. You know what someone said to me once at Southwest Flight? They were like, well, maybe there's so many dumb jokes because some people are terrified about this flight. And that extreme of how goofy this person's being makes them realize how— You're pulling a pin out of the nervousness. Yes.

And I was like, you know what? If that's happening for anyone on this flight, fine. Good. Then I'm okay with it. Have you seen that clip of Steven Tyler on a Southwest Flight? No flight no or this this woman sir you are group c this woman's traveling with her uh little girl and she actually asked steven um not steven right steven tyler to sing happy birthday to her daughter and he fucking did it no yeah it's a clip you can find it on steven tyler he's like there's like He bought a seat

Just for his bandanas The fact that Steven Tyler Sang a song Dude looks like a lady And then he fulfilled That prophecy Later in life

Is kind of amazing I just couldn't imagine Like oh he's a singer I guess He's perfect for this job Do you mind doing the Yeah Singing to my daughter

To her face On a flight Right But also like The balls of that person Right To just ask that. I was mortified.

I was kind of mad that he actually said yes. I was like, come on, man. Come on, man. Have some standards. He does. I'll give him a little wave. He's on his way

to doing standards. Old standards. That's like when Rod Stewart opened up the, I mean, yeah, I know you have the phenomenal joke of Guns N' Roses

playing at the orchestra, which I love that joke. Thank you. Wait, it's A, and then it goes over to C, and then all the way to... The fifth cello is coming from... All right, Steve Ferguson said, maybe a bike or a truck who takes a getaway horse to a robbery. Ferguson said he bought the Moon Lake area home a year ago

as an investment property he plans to remodel and rent it. I don't think either one of those things were ever going to happen. But why does that need to be in this story? Because he won't stop telling you. Yeah, I got confused for a second. That's the same story. We're still doing the horse story? This is the guy just wanting the reporter to know, like, let people know this is an investment property. I'm going to remodel, re-rent this.

I don't live there. Please put that in the caption with the pics. Fumigated i'll get any horse like central air it's a three and two any horse burglar sensor obviously a horse can get onto the property if you've got horses look the doorways are wide enough for horses i just that's something you could put in the description of my house that i will be right in there uh like uh obo no sir this is tested horse tested, horse approved. Ferguson said the Shalimar Street home has been

burglarized before, so he put up a fence, posted no trespassing signs, and installed security cameras. He called the Pasco County Sheriff's Office on Thursday after he started getting alerts on his phone that showed the video of the man on the property. He then headed to the house himself.

Quote, upon arrival, I saw the horse running up the street horses out just gone horses bailed on the horse finally read the no trespassing yeah oh i didn't got it he knew what was i didn't see that i was i'm about respect by that time deputies had arrived and made contact with here's our guy lonnienie the Rooster Maddox. And you know, he was like, put Rooster in there. Just Rooster? No. The Rooster. So much extra detail in this story. Lonnie the Rooster Maddox.

What morning zoo show is he on? How much about his high school baseball career does he not stop talking about? 25 victories. 35. 33 saves. No, but so Lonnie does he not stop talking about? 25 victories. 95. 33 saves. No, but so Lonnie and the Rooster is, like if you combined his name and turned it into two people,

that would be a morning show. Oh, that you have to do press for. Yeah. Todd, you got to wake up at 6 a.m. to do Lonnie and the Rooster this weekend. I'll do it. I'll do it. Because it'll sell one ticket. It's going to get a guy out there.

And just the type of guy you want coming to that show. 100%. According to the arrest report, Lonnie the Rooster Maddox, they keep saying this, actually approached the deputy responding to the burglary call and asked if he'd seen a horse. That's a power move. Cops show up to the house, you're burglaring, and you're like, hey, real quick. Tell me something. You seen a horse?

Hey, rookie, you got a horse out there? Sir, that's not what I'm here for. Well, it's what you're here for now quick tell me something you see a horse hey rookie you got a horse out there sir that's not what i'm here for well it's what you're here for now we got to find this horse i need you you work for me you work for the city as a police department maddox reportedly told the deputy that the horse had gotten into the yard through a broken fence and he had simply followed it so he's putting it all on the horse that's it rooster he's literally betting it all off one horse he is he's throwing the horse under the bus. That's it. Rooster. He's literally betting it all on one horse. He is. He's throwing the horse under the bus.

Rooster also told deputies he went into the house because he was interested in renting it and wanted to see what it looked like inside. This is my favorite show on HGTV. Wait, is this thing? Horse in a house. I forgot who Rooster is. Rooster is the guy who's. Lonnie Maddox. He's the guy who broke in with the horse.

He's the burglar. Yes. Alleged burglar. Rob it or raise it. He's there. Rob it or raise it would be a show. Rob it, raise it, ride it. Right. Do you remember when Bob Dylan, he was in Jersey, this was like a few years ago?

Yeah. He just went for a walk and just started looking. He poked his head in a house in rural suburban New Jersey, and he got arrested. Of course. Or they kicked out, and then someone was like, that's Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan, yeah. So I just thought it was very strange.

It is strange. Did they let him off because it was Bob Dylan? Yeah, I don't think he actually was. They realized, oh, he's just weird and looking through a window of an abandoned house. Oh, I'm sorry.

We don't allow Americana to take a look into. He's part of the fabric of our society. Quote, I said, what are you doing in my house, Steve Ferguson said of his encounter with Maddox allow americana to take a look into like he's part of the fabric of our society quote i said what are you doing in my house steve ferguson said of his encounter with maddox at the property quote the guy said my horse broke into your house mister and i had to go in and get her i said okay so she broke into the gate and then the porch and then the house that's a great yes yeah so now he's cornering this guy in his own argument but i hope hope the rooster was like, yeah, I just told you.

Broken. The horse has a problem. Very crafty horse. This surveillance video shows a man identified as Lonnie the rooster Maddox walking around the property with the horse, entering a screened-in porch with the animal, and seemingly trying to get it in through the front door. The affidavit says the door was padlocked

and Maddox got into the house by breaking a back window. And you know the whole time he was talking to the horse. Yeah. Troy, should we go? You want to go around back? Oh, you want to go that way? Are you leaving? Come on! This is going to be fun. You wanted to come here. Silver!

Silver! Whoa! You wanted to come here. I know. Look, if they ask us us you're the one who broke in here Ferguson said nothing was taken But estimated the damage to the window Will cost $100 to repair As for the horse Angel, oh it's Angel

Was recovered about 2 miles away from the site And was later reunited with her owner Don't give that back Don't you lose the horse when you see it We gotta go to horse child services. Yes. At least some class. Get that horse in foster horse care. Maddox,

that's the rooster, did not own the horse and it isn't clear whether or not he had permission to take her on the alleged crime spree. That's why she's running away. That's a whole other set of questions. I just can't believe how long this fucking story is. It's amazing. This seems like a one-paragrapher to me.

But it's a lot of facts. Maddox faces charges of burglary of a dwelling. We will get out of here on this. How old is Lonnie the Rooster Maddox? In horse years? Yes. I'm going to guess he's an old, I'm going to say 71. 71. Todd Barry.

I'm going to say he looks 58, but he's 38. 38 years old? Taking a horse... I mean, he's given himself the Rooster as a nickname. So the Rooster is kind of an old name. It's like an older name. But using a horse for a robbery that isn't your horse

is a young man's game. We all know that. So I'm going to say he's 29 years old. 29 years old. Okay. We will end the first story with Todd Berry. 71, 38, and 29. On this.

The range of ages. Get your answers in now, Tonics. Play wherever you are. Yell it out. Because Lonnie, the rooster. The rooster, Maddox. Maddox is 52 years old. Oh!

I think it's me. Todd Berry. No. No, you went 38. 38. So I'm 14 away. He's 19 years old. Oh. I believe Todd Berry. No. No, you went 38. 38. So I'm 14 away. He's 19 years old. So there you go.

I will take credit for that one. Excellent math. But by the way, Todd was right in the direction he was going. Old man. That's an older guy. Yeah, you kind of covered. You were like, he looks this way, but he's this way. I said, looks 58.

He created a range. That was a power move he just did. Jay, you essentially asked, where's the horse? You asked the police. Alright, there you go. First story, down in the books. Todd Berry's with us. Let's take a break. When we come back, we'll hear about his podcast and other fun stuff right after this.

Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. We are at Sklar Brothers on Twitter and Instagram. Follow us. We have some dates coming up. We have a live Dumb People Town coming up at Largo on September 9th. And in New York City. Andy Richter. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn playing music.

And Kate Micucci is going to be a great show. Thank you. And then in New York at. October 13th at the Bell House with Michael Che. Sunday, October with michael chen october 13th very excited about that todd berry you have a podcast you have a podcast it's called todd berry podcast i don't do it as steadily as i should it's it comes out almost every week okay and it's just me shooting the shit with some comedian because that's all i know and an occasional all you know. And an occasional musician. I had Ted Allen

from Chopped on. Nice. And I'm on tour. So go to ToddBarry.com. How was Ted Allen from Chopped? He's very nice. He's very funny.

Funny guy? Yeah, funny, smart. He was nice, dressed down, just kind of a t-shirt. Probably took the subway there. I mean, let's not go crazy.

I bet he did take the subway there. Probably. I didn't ask him, but, oh shit, this is the first lola in the show no i just know i love a good lola i just i'm i'm imagining ted allen on the subway in an ascot in an in a t-shirt in an ascot i saw you never seen this lab on the subway who's the biggest celeb you saw uh oh that's i've seen now people have said they've seen Todd Berry.

The biggest one is Henry Winkler. I saw him on the subway. On the subway? Yeah, I think he was doing a play and I was kind of near Broadway. Yeah. It was the R or the N train and just the doors open.

Henry Winkler's standing there with his hand on the pole. And you were like, wow. No hat, nothing. I was like, wow. I was like, wow. Because I was just thinking, wow. You know, whenever Happy Days was like, this would be inconceivable.

Inconceivable because the subway was running at that time. He, in 79, or I guess what it was. He would have had needed, he wouldn't have even considered doing it. No way. No way. I thought it was pretty cool because even then, years later, he didn't have to take the subway. 100%.

But it's probably quicker. It's always quicker. So that's big. Who else have you seen? This is amazing. Who else have you seen on the subway? I've seen David Johansson, rocker David Johansson, twice. I've seen him twice.

York Towels. I saw Joe Jackson, the singer. Really? Was he stepping out? He was stepping out. That's good. Who else have I seen? God, I mean.

Who do we see, Rand, on the subway? Have we seen anyone? You know, in the six years without a car, I never saw anybody on the bus here in LA. You know who I rode the subway? A guy who's my, the people say is my doppelganger. I think his name's Michael Kelly

from House of Cards. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because people say you look like this guy. And then I'm like on the B platform. Like, oh my, he's literally five feet from me. He is me. But who else? Yeah, I mean, Philip Glass.

Yeah. Avant-garde artist. Sure. Okay. All right. But he's also like, he lives near me. And I've seen, like I see him every, I see him at Kmart. And so it doesn't count at some point.

Philip Glass at Kmart. The unmasking of Philip Glass. Yeah, at Kmart. The demystifying of Philip Glass. The humanizing of Philip Glass. The breaking of the glass. The breaking of the glass, of Philip Glass The demystifying of Philip Glass The humanizing of Philip Glass The breaking of the glass The breaking of the Philip Glass ceiling Alright, shall we jump into another story?

I want to let people know as well, go to danielvankirk.com I'll be in Jacksonville, Chicago The East Coast and the Midwest In October and November And September I'm on the road Alright, here we go, ready? I didn't realize this until just now.

This is sent in by Joe Luttrell, at the Gentleman Joe. Double it up. Two for two. Two for two. He's good about sending in stories. He's the first one to get them in, right? That's how it works.

Last Friday, Eve Saint posted a photo to Facebook in which she claims an unwanted household item was in the nachos she ordered at the Fish Kill Taco Bell. Nope. First of all, just the fact that they associate the town with the name makes it seem a lot worse than just your average taco. Fish Kill is upstate New York, though, right? Yes, I would believe so. This is from the Hudson Valley Post. That's right.

So here's the other thing. Isn't she missing a last name? Yeah, it should be Eve Savant. Thank you. What was the object? Did you get to that? I don't know. Let's see if you guys wanted to guess.

Oh, let's guess. What household item do you think was found in the nachos? Blow dryer. A blow dryer in the nachos? Why not? It's Taco Bell. There are no rules. That could be a weird story.

That could be a menu item. It's not going to be like a hair. I think it's a screwdriver. Okay. Not the drink. Keys? That'd be better. Someone's keys?

Ooh, those are all good guesses. Saint. That'd be Eve Saint. Laurent. Initially thought that it was a doorknob. What? Yes. So she didn't complain.

Eat around it. You just lick that cheese off. Guys, relax. But again, like a hair would be way worse. A doorknob, you're kind of like, I can get around that. Do you guys want to see the picture? Yeah. I've never... I've eaten Taco Bell nachos many

times in my life. They've never looked worse. And the doorknob doesn't help. Do you have to order the doorknob? What? Ew. Oh, God. What is that? That is a doorknob.

That is a doorknob. Yes. It actually does. Technically, it could be a doorknob, but it actually ended up being something else. Okay. Where was I? A wooden dog bone? Some of the comments question whether the picture was real.

Saint says the photo is real, though she wishes the photo was fake. That's how you know it's real. She wishes it was fake. She wouldn't say that if she really wanted to. It's like you ever meet people who have psychic powers, and they're like, I wish I couldn't speak to the dead. You do believe them a little bit more. Yeah, like that makes... Because they're terrorized by it.

Look, I don't want this power. I don't want to be able to hear voices in a wall killing on stage yeah he doesn't want that power i don't always want to be the best comic that's right no you don't always like slay it in countries like iceland because some people have to follow you and that's not fair it's exactly thank you you know the you know the phrase leave a little something he would like to todd berry would like to but can't saint says that she called Taco Bell to complain, but told it was, quote, impossible for the item to end up in her nachos, and then she was hung up on. Taco Bell, not giving you a lot of good customer service.

By the way, exactly. If you have to call Taco Bell, how do you think that call is going to go? I called Taco Bell recently. No. No, you did not. For what? What in the world? Okay.

It was late after a show yeah and i wanted i had to eat something and so i was like this is the only thing that was pushing it was after one yeah and so i called them to say i'm coming i couldn't believe they answered yeah who else answered before them was a jack-in-a-box i'm like what town am i in where i wouldn't if i'm working at a fast food place and it is after midnight i don't answer never answer that no i feel like if you answer the phone then you're're in that movie where Kiefer's... The phone booth? The phone booth.

Remember that movie? Yes. No, isn't that the one with... Robert De Niro? Colin Farrell? No. Colin Farrell. But Kiefer's the one calling.

He's the voice. Yeah. So... Damn it. Wait. So they both answered. And what I did, I called the taco bell to say can i walk through your drive-thru and then on a nice i'm like this guy needs to be the manager he was like you know

what i appreciate calling thanks so much we'd love to have you come on into taco bell i'm like what are you cracker barrel amazing he says uh here's the deal it's a little tricky there's a gray area but i i i i err on the side of positivity you can't walk through here's the deal. It's a little tricky. There's a gray area, but I err on the side of positivity. You can't walk through here, but the rules state you have to be on a motorized vehicle. So if you want to go get a scooter or one of those Uber jump bikes, I'll say that that's good enough by me. You just have a half hour to get here. And so then, flash forward 15 minutes, Andrew Youngblood and I, friend of the show, are on the Uber Red jump bikes in line at 145. So how much did those cost?

They were doing some deal. Compared to your dollar burrito. Yeah, I know. Exactly. I paid more in transportation than I did in food. Yeah, and I was on. But I called, and they answered, and they were way, way too nice. They shouldn't have answered. I know. So they called, but in answered, and they were way too nice. They shouldn't have answered.

I know. So they called, but in this instance, they were like, fuck you. It's over. But you got, how many Taco Bells would you guys used to put down? So we used to go to a Taco Bell in St. Louis. No, no, no. In St. Louis, after high school, we would go in the back of our friend's truck. After our party, we'd be drunk.

You'd go to a Taco Bell. You'd order 10 tacos, and as you're eating them, you're like, they're going to come back. They're going to look the same. 10 each. 10 each. They're going to look the same. 10 each. 10 each, they're going to look the same. 10 each, I think, for $2.99 or like $3.99. That's insane. I never thought, I always thought their fire sauce

just wasn't as hot as it needed to be. I would agree with you. It has fire. Yes. It has actual fire. Could you eat 10 now? Yes. Yeah, absolutely.

100%, right? They're like three bites. They're tiny. I like their crunchy tacos. I was going to ask if you go crunchy or soft. So I would do five and five. Look at you. Wait, would you alternate when you ate too for the texture mix up? No. I go

all crunchy and then all soft. Really? Really. Yeah. I think I'd mix them up. I would too. I'd like to alternate my textures when I'm eating. Dan, that's impressive. I guess I wasn't that forward thinking. I was drunk. So she calls. They're like, there's no way. Click.

I'd leave it at that. Because you lost. You lost. There's a doorknob or seemingly in your nachos. There also is no way to prove that you didn't put it there. Right. You know what I'm saying? This would be a really easy hoax to pull off. She says she then called back over and over again with no one taking her call.

When someone finally did answer, she received an apology and offered some discounts, which means to me that phone kept ringing and they were all having a meeting. We have to answer this eventually. What are we going to say? What are we going to say her? We could say sorry. She needs to know the Star 67 track. There you go. Block that number. There you go. The idea that to me

that scene is like the scene in Boogie Nights in Alfred Molina's house where like the guy's throwing the firecracker down. They're yelling each other and the phone keeps ringing. They're yelling each other. The phone is ringing. It's like intense. People are ordering stuff. Finally somebody answers like we're sorry. Okay. Do you want discounts? Not free food. Discounts. It's intense. People are ordering stuff. Finally, somebody answers like, we're sorry. Okay. Do you want discounts?

Not free food. Discounts. Here's 50 cents off a 10-pack, so it's free. Right. Quote, I found, oh, this is when she finds out what it is. Quote, I found out what the object was, and quote, it's the pump dispenser for cheese. So it's the handle that they use to pump the cheese, which is... I side with Taco Bell then. It's an innocent mistake.

It slipped off. Could have happened to anyone. Think of the filthy hands, though, that have been touching. I mean, I'm sure they're clean. I'm sure they're clean. I found out it's the pump of a cheese dispenser. They hung up on me and told me I was lying, then offered me free nachos. Saint

confirmed to the Hudson Valley Post. Do you want nachos after that? Yeah. You do? Yeah. From that place? It's a principle thing. One spittin'.

What's my thing? One spittin'. What are the odds you get bit again? Maybe. I don't know. It's talked about a lot. The odds are high. 50%.

She says it's unclear how the nacho cheese holder ended up in her nachos according to saint the item was found in food she ordered on july 4th so that's another thing for me that's irrelevant yeah also fourth of july why are you getting taco bell on the fourth of july you must hate america what do you it is america's favorite mex restaurant. Remember that? We did that story like six, seven months ago. We did, but like, so you hate our freedom? I mean, you don't want to build that wall? She wants the freedom to not have a pump dispenser. He left the party early.

That's what that tells me. She says she only found out what the item was after an employee saw the photo and wrote it on her Facebook. So someone saw the post and was like, I'll tell you what that is. Of course. photo and wrote it on her Facebook. So someone saw the post and was like, I'll tell you what that is. The manager at the Taco Bell in Fishkill told Hudson Valley Post she can't comment on the photo.

We take this very seriously. The franchisee that owns and operates this location is looking into this matter and strives to make things right with the customer. By the way, Taco Bell said in a statement. That whole thing is bullshit. Yeah. Everything you just said is like what can be said

that they're like, we're not going to do anything in this scenario. So by the way, striving for anything when it comes from a corporation means we're not doing shit.

Lie. We don't care. We don't care at all. Read it one more time. You guys are very cynical about corporations. So Taco Bell. I own several

huge corporations. Okay. So how are you guys striving? I'm a great guy. You striving? Do you strive to do good work? I answer the phone myself when there's a customer service. At own several huge corporations. How are you guys striving? I'm a great driver. Do you strive to do good work? I answer the phone myself when there's a customer service. At one in the morning.

Read what they said they're going to do. This is the last thing we have. Slowly read it. We take this very seriously. Which means we don't care at all. The franchisee that owns and operates this location, you're pushing blame on someone else. This is like know she essentially is

saying the horse broke in on everything right okay the franchisee that owns and operates this location is looking into this matter which means they're not looking at what else you need to look into what do you need to look into and strives to make things right with the customer not true right because otherwise you'd say we'll we'll we'll make things right with the customer i think like a 300 gift card and you're done. I was going to ask you guys as we left, what would be the appropriate amount of Taco Bell compensation that you'd do? Todd, a $300 gift card means you eat Taco Bell for a year. But I think it's enough where the person might go, wow.

Right, yeah, yeah. As opposed to, I'm going to find a lawyer. And it's easy money. Because what I'd be more mad about is the hanging up. Yeah. Do you think I'd called you for the hell of it? That's right. $300 gift card means you're going to continue eating a Taco Bell and you're going to develop

a taste for it even down the line. Yes. And a weird addiction to it. And a weird addiction to it. So like $300 is a lot and will sustain you for, I'm not joking, like three or four months. Well, it depends. The lawyer they would have to hire if she followed through on some sort of lawsuit, which she probably could, would be way more than $300.

So now someone who is really smart, and I'm not saying this person is not smart, would say a $300 gift card coming my way, I should now take it to them. Because they clearly want to like... I hate that. No, let people strive to make it right. They're not going to strive. Yeah. Striving to make things right is me telling you that like I'm not going to get there. Yeah, we'll take care of it. I know. That's when I'm going to start answering people and say, Dan, how are you doing? I'm going to go yeah striving to make things right is me telling you that like yeah we'll take care of it i get i know that's when we start answering people say dan how you doing i'm gonna

go i'm striving i'm striving to make it right we're looking into it striving the franchisee who owns daniel first of all we take this very seriously which we don't and here's whose fault it is that's story number two all right story number two down the books don't ever get a cheese pump in your nachos uh we won't do that can you give us a little tease of what we're going to see in the last second i can uh a man tries to admit uh convince his neighbors of something ridiculous i love it anytime you bring the neighbor and involve your neighbors it's a whole thing todd berry's with us we'll be back with more dumb people town right after this stick around make a sound there's more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to Dumb People Town.

We want to remind people, we have a Patreon. We do. We would love, we do extra episodes just for our Patreon. We have other cool merch and other great access to live shows. We do follow-ups on stories. We'll do another cake story. Yeah, lots of stuff coming up. It's all available for that.

And it's a great way to support this show. Patreon.com Slash Dumb People Town That's great And you can look it up And do it And sign up

And we'd love to have you there Again Todd Berry's podcast The Todd Berry Podcast Yeah Check that out It's him and comedians And the occasional

I think you should have your Whatever mobile devices If you run into David Johansson On the subway again You can have a little Oh just start Just get in his face Yes but like you do it in

a very relaxed way before you're not i'm not i'm not aggressive enough before you're stopped like when i heard you guys do follow-ups to the stories like oh my god it's too much i'm not that's only for our patreon followers sure i guess there's a little incentive they want to know what happened to angel the horse you can find out you want to know what happened to Angel the Horse. You can find out. You want to know Angel the Horse's trajectory after she ran away. There you go.

All right, Dan. You want to do this? Take us home, brother. A great short little story. Sent in by Jennifer Hansen, at GopherPuckFan. Okay. I'm guessing Minnesota.

Minnesota. Hockey fan. How good is that Acme Comedy Club in Minnesota? It's good. I haven't been there in years, though. Oh, really? Can I, before we go there, what are your, where are your favorite places to perform? Where do you enjoy the most?

Just city-wise? City-wise, club-wise, and venues. Well, there's a great club in Indianapolis called the White Rabbit. I recommend you guys. It's about 180 seat or two. It's small. It might be too small for you guys. Right.

But it's cool. But it's really good. Yeah. Also in Indiana, the Comedy Attic is great. Oh, I love that place. It's fantastic. The Club on State in Madison. Yeah, sure.

What else? I know there's others that I'm leaving out. I mean, these are, I'm not talking about. I'm sure you're a Comedy Works fan. Showcase Club. Comedy Works, Denver. I don't really. That's a good one.

No, I did a guest spot there recently. It was very nice. You should be working there. Done. But I do massive theaters. Yeah a good one No I did a guest spot There recently It was very nice You should be working there Done But I do massive theaters I know I mean So like Madison Square Garden Tiny key arena

You should ask me about Which are my favorite Corporate arenas Corporate arenas The Quicken Loans Center Quicken Loans The Q You're really good

Target Center Qualcomm Stadium Staples Center Basically anything else Alright let's get into this. Yes. Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. A Conestoga?

Conestoga? C-O-N-E-S-T-O-G-A. I think you got it right the first time. Who knows? Conestoga. Conestoga. The thing with towns, you can pick your emphasis. Yes. So wherever you want that syllable to be.

Dude, we lived in Creve Coeur, Missouri. If you study French at all, that's Creve Coeur. Yeah. But St. Louisans called it Creve Coeur. I just reminded myself of an emphasis story. Have you ever heard the story of when Christopher Walken hosted SNL with the Foo Fighters? Mm-mm. And so before the show started, Walken walks up to Dave Grohl and he goes,

In your name, there's the emphasis on foo or fighters. And Dave Grohl goes, oh my God, he has no clue who we are. He hasn't heard of us because he noticed

and he goes, he goes, oh, the emphasis is on fighters. And he's like, you got it. I can't imagine being, if I was in a band,

being surprised that Christopher Walken hadn't heard of me. Well, no, they loved it. They loved it. They loved it. If you watch the tape,

ladies and gentlemen, the Foo Fighters. That's nice of them to ask. Oh, phenomenal. Professional that. The Foo Fighters. You'll see if you ever go Google it or watch the tape or whatever, they're all laughing as they

start out the song because they're so thrilled that he said the name wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, the Foo Fighters. So good. All right, here we go. A Cone Stoga man is facing DUI charges after a disturbance in which he tried to convince neighbors that he had a time machine and was from the future.

That's always a good one. Guys, your lawns are looking great. I need to tell you something. Everybody's going by the bylaws. There's been a new development in our cold. But the truth of the matter is, it's one of those things that you can't prove. Can you prove that he's not from the future? So how did he take advantage?

He just would say, I'm from the future. Until July 10th. Around 4 p.m. How much has he been drinking all morning? The middle of your day in your neighborhood. 4 p.m. is the perfect time to say you're coming back from the future, by the way. You don't want to do that at 9 in the morning. People can't handle it.

You don't want to do it too late at night. 4 p.m. is like some crazy stuff's happening. What day of the week was the 4th of July this year? Thursday? Yeah, it was a Thursday. It was? No, it was a Thursday. late at night because people think you're messing around. What day of the week was the 4th of July this year? Thursday? Wednesday. Yeah, it was a Thursday. It was? It was a Thursday. It was a Thursday because the 3rd was a Wednesday. So that would make the 10th

Wednesday. Middle of the week. 4 p.m. on a Wednesday. July 10th at 4 p.m. Jason Kolb allegedly approached a group of neighbors in the 3300 block of Main Street. Jason Kolb sounds like every linebacker who's ever played for the Green Bay Packers. And told them that it was the year 2015.

Guys, it's 2015. So he's trying to tell them what year they're in. Yes. So his time machine makes the whole world go back in time no he went back in time he went back and he chose to go back about four years exactly then jason colb tried to convince the neighbors that he had a time machine activated in his trailer and he was from the future 2019 so he's saying it hasn't so he's trying to tell people That they're in a He made a mistake

And why are they in a group At four o'clock in the afternoon anyway He made a mistake How's this guy get press Like I have Great I should be getting more press Exactly

He's doing the White Rabbit Why don't you get a time machine You need to tell people You're from the future Doing the White Rabbit in Indianapolis And the show was great The time machine show is incredible It would be great to do a set

To an audience as though They don't know what's happened yet like hey guys great last year of barack like and give them all the stuff it's experimental um colb allegedly attempted to use dates on his mail and a can of oysters with a 2019 expiration date so he's saying he brought that with him from the future yes how drunk so he's saying that the expiration date is like the date these were canned or something yes and so he's saying how could i have this if i'm not from the future to which you would say we're all in 2019 we all got on that time machine with you every day does he think that it's 2015 does he

really think he's in 2015. Yes, he tried to tell them. So he sat in this thing that is his time machine. He turned it to 2015. The flux capacitor fluxed. And then he got out and he said, I'm in 2015. Is this a deleted scene from Napoleon Dynamite? Yes, 100%. He attempted to use dates on his mail.

You know their bills and they're unopened. They're unpaid. Yes. And then unpaid. Yes. And then a can of oysters. Who knows why? Police arrested. Because, by the way, that is the best way to eat oysters is canned. You guys want canned oysters?

I'll take a doorknob nacho. Cheese dispenser handle nacho. I'll take that over again. So what happened with this guy? Police arrested Jason Corley. For what? Who was found to be wanted on a simple warrant out of both Lancaster and York counties. He's like, that's not what you guys are here for.

Our time travel. I know, but we ran your name. Don't do that. Why was he? Did they call the cops? Maybe I missed something. I imagine the neighbors called the house. He was probably bothering the hell out of people.

Some sort of town meeting they were having. During his arrest, he was also... During his arrest, police also noted that he was found to be in possession of, and this is all they say, a small baggie of white powder. He's having a great Wednesday. Did that have a date on it as well? Yeah, right. It's from the future.

How could I have this if I'm not from the future? That is what powers the time machine, so to speak. We will get out of here on the time-traveling neighbor with this. How old do you think Jason Kolb is? He's a time traveler. Dan, are we doing 2015 age or

Jason Kolb or 2019? I got this one here. Do you want to go what age he was in 2015? No, here we go. I'm going to say 45. Ooh, okay. Jay, what do you think? I think this one here. Do you want to go what age he was in 2015? No. Here we go. I'm going to say 45. Ooh, okay. Jay, what do you think? I think this guy could be 21. Mm-hmm. I think he's 58.

And he just saw The Matrix. Yeah. He's like, you guys don't understand. It's all a simulation. Okay, Tom, what did you say? I said 45. What did you say? 28?

21. Did you say a simulation? I'll be 58. I'm 58. What'd you say? 28? 21. Did you say assimilation? I'll be 58. I'm 58. Okay. Thank you for everybody who played along with us today. Thank you, Todd Berry, for being here because Jason Cole is 42 years old. Oh, Todd Berry. Todd Berry.

Made it all worth it, man. He made it all worth it. He brought it back around. There you go. But he'd be 45 by now, maybe. There you go. I was factoring that in. You were.

You were. Thanks for factoring the four-year, the 2015 to 2019 time gap in there, Todd Berry. Always figuring in the time gap. Yes. Listen to his podcast, The Todd Berry Podcast. Go see him live wherever he comes to see you. I highly recommend the live Todd Berry show. There is no one better.

Do you do crowd work in these shows too? I do either. Generally, now I'm trying to do just jokes, but even in those jokes, I hit that kind of moment

where I'm like, I'm going to talk to the crowd. How's the crowd? We watched his full crowd work show at Moon Tower a few years ago. It was one of my favorite things I've ever seen.

It was so good. Thank you. So funny. We're the Sklar brothers. He's Dan and Mary Kirk. Oh, shit. We've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Hungry down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Hung your downies.

Dumb people town.