Dumb People Town - Tom Papa - I'm Going to Disney World

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

Tom Papa joins Daniel, Jason and Randy to discuss this celebrate stories sent in by our listeners. In story 1, a British medieval enthusiast takes on harassing neighborhood kids. In story 2 a man is caught camping on a private Disney island. In story 3, a 5 year old steals his parents car go after his dream car. 

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population papa. Tom, papa, welcome back to our dumb universe it's so good to be back with people of my level uh dude i mean look you have been you have been whipping up a bread factory there uh i my wife has been cooking bread i know you've been cooking bread during this pandemic and i know you are spending a lot of time with your kids who are teenagers who probably think you're the dumbest person in the world. Is that the truth? When did we get so dumb? Oh my God. The worst is when I ask a question, and it's all amplified now because we're just around each other all the time yeah but when you say something and

they don't even correct you they just look at you like really yeah you just hung yourself with that rope dad god it's so not cool it's so not cool and i i find myself like scrambling to get credibility back. It's like, is there more almond milk in here? What? No, I'm just saying because there wasn't any yesterday there.

It makes perfectly logical sense of why I would ask that question now. Yeah. Yes. No. Jesus Christ christ did it just get colder in here they're just like defense attorney drops like four degrees in your kitchen can you just say badgering your funny moment not about my intelligence as much as just a this is how i know what's going on like they're not wrong like they they're noticing when i'm slipping so i i'm using them to kind of put myself in check right and i i don't wear a lot of shorts i don't wear shorts

that often i'm always in jeans and yesterday was so hot in la yeah that i came up in shorts and these what i thought from my college days was cool cargo shorts. They were cool cargo shorts with some straps and some pockets. And I came up and my daughter just looked at it and was like, so we're wearing those dad shorts now? Oh, God. Ouch. I swear to God, I went right back downstairs, rolled them up,

put them in the garbage. Threw them away. Threw them away. Threw them away. Oh, my God. Dan, that's some sniper stuff. That's just crazy. You were in high school.

Well, you have got a new book out. We're going to talk about it at the top of this next segment. But first, we are so happy that you're here. And let's just dive into the stupidity because we need to make sense of it. For sure. All right, Daniel, we got a story. Here we go. Ready? Yes.

This was sent in by Daskar the Great at Daskar, D-O-S-K-A-R. It actually says Daskar the Great at kind of half marathon training. Whatever. Thanks, Daskar. Super. All right.

We appreciate it. Just the headline alone is enough fun, guys, because it is this. Sword-wielding medieval knight vigilante takes on street gang. Oh, my God. Yeah. Words that'll never be used to describe me. Or Tom Papa.

Tom Papa is throwing away his cargo shorts from college. He doesn't have swords around his house. Right. Or you would never take on a gang of people tom oh god no way no way that is a that that's like that level there was one time when i played um grand theft auto for so many hours in a row that when i got in my car driving around i thought i was in grand theft auto yes skewed your perception of reality that's a guy yeah that's a guy that's been in some realm of fantasy way too long. That's right.

Way too long at the Ren Faire, and now he's bringing it to the streets. He thinks he can apply it in real life. They love me over there. A British medieval enthusiast took the law into his own hands after being harassed by local youths, or youths, if you love my cousin Vinny, by grabbing some medieval weaponry and taking them on, equipped with a sword and an axe. So he's got youths in his neighborhood that are harassing him for probably wearing cargo shorts.

Isn't this the plot to Gran Torino? Yeah. Am I wrong? Yes. This is the medieval times version of Gran Torino. But to me, and I've never really wielded a sword a sword and an axe doesn't that feel like too much like what is your dominant hand that's a hat on a hat for the sword play who what hand gets the axe what hand gets the sword i would think

your dominant hand would be the sword sword because axe is just a back and forth motion axes yeah but my left shoulder's hurting me lately you got it i just picture them just laughing like they're all harassing him he one minute goes inside and comes back if you were with your friends and some dude came out with a sword you would just fall out laughing in the streets. How long has these youths been bothering him that it finally got to the point? Because it's either the very first time or the 85th time. Do you know what I mean?

They know they can outrun this guy. Especially in full armor. There's no chance he's catching them. So he's going to be wildly swinging these things in the air. And how many times did he say, I'm going to get medieval on your ass? He probably said it a lot. He said it to himself three times as he was putting everything on. With a lisp.

With a lisp, of course. Alan Powell, A-L-U-N. I haven't seen that much. That's the true British. Never heard Alan spelled A-L-U-N. Alan Powell, a father of four, owned the medieval armor and weapons for dressing up in battle reconstructions

and was reported. So maybe he's not. Can I say this? He's taking it out on these kids, what his kids are giving to him. Right, Tom, we know. He's a father of four. He had the almond milk discussion with his kids

and was like, gonna tell me what I can and can't do. Give me my sword. So how are they harassing him in his daily life? Dan, isn't there a statement like, like on Twitter where like, if someone says something that's offend you and you're like, hold my beer.

Yes. Hold my almond milk. Hold my almond milk. I'm going to go fight this fight. Yes. He has all this stuff for dressing up in battle reconstructions and was reported by the Sun newspaper to have used a 14th century sword to threaten a man. A court has heard in defense. Mr.

Allen, a L. You and Powell claimed to have quote been persecuted for years by antisocial behavior, including drug smoking outside of his home and rubbish being pushed through his letterbox. So they're just messing with him. Okay, so they're smoking, they're putting trash in his letterbox. I'm starting to feel for Alan. Me too. I kind of am like, you should have taken the sword out sooner. What took you so long?

This guy's into rent fares. I would think you would spell his name A-L-O-N-E. Yeah, alone. Alone, okay, stop. The jury were told that Alan Powell, fairs i would i would think you would spell his name a-l-o-n-e yeah alone okay stop the jury were told that alan powell who participates with the weapons for battle reenactments pulled the three-foot blade and an axe from the boot of his car after brandishing a knuckle duster i do not know what a knuckle so i i'm just on boot of a car i know that's his trunk so sure knuckle duster is maybe brass knuckles knuckles would be knuckle brass knuckles yeah i'm gonna look it up but also

let's just talk about the fact that he keeps these weapons in his car yeah yeah i'm just picturing him going to these reenactment things and like going out to his car with his equipment yeah and loading it or he leaves it all in there. It's like seeing a party clown on his way to work. Yes. Yes. Or to me, it's like, you know, I keep my golf clubs in the back of my car in case, like,

all of a sudden the day clears out and someone's like, hey, you want to play some golf? And I'm like, yeah, I can play some golf. I should have it in the car in case I'm out. And that's it. He's like, if someone calls me last minute and they're like, hey, there's a Ren Faire breaking out. Yeah. I'm ready. If there's a pickup renfair happening anywhere just like hey man going on am i ready am i ready yes if i am three on three if i looked it up knuckle duster is the nicest way to say brass knuckles okay Okay, we were right. He was accused of taking a fighting stance,

then smashing through a car window with the sword as a group of youths fled in terror. They don't even say if it's their car or his own car or just a car that happened to be there. You got to swing hard. That's a real weapon if you can go through a car window, but isn't that like a magician's trick? Like I need you to see how real this is is so he just starts like hitting things with the axe

and sword to show them that he's gone full michael keaton batman like you want to get nuts let's get nuts right watch what i do to this mailbox but through a car like when that glass shatters through a car with like that, you know, this dude is for real. Yeah. You're a hundred percent. But then they arrest him.

I don't understand. So he never complained to like authorities about throwing trash through his mail slot. They are smoking on his lawn, which is trespassing by the way. Right. Yeah. If you have pictures.

And so he has his kids of his own right so his kids are watching him get abused by other children yes all this time i'm all for this guy i'm all for it well if he didn't hurt that i mean he did hurt someone's property he's gonna have to pay for that car but still unless it was his own which is the craziest if this story doesn't end with he chopped one of their heads off i'm gonna be very disappointed that's right uh prosecutor british falling down the prosecutor said of alan powell he was clearly angry instead of calling police he went outside and put himself in danger by arming himself with a knuckle duster i mean a knuckle duster does sound like the cutest way to put on brass or a very specific sexual maneuver

and i put on the knuckle duster and that's how i met your mother you know me honey i love a good knuckle duster see it fits come on it's my birthday your mother and i used to knuckle dust all the time back when we were twice in one night once. Oh, sorry. I love your mother. After showing the knockout, after showing the knuckle duster to the crowd of youths, Alan was then said to have grabbed Camille Ahmed around the throat,

even though there had been no threats towards him. So he just went for whoever was close. He went for the throat. He just went for whatever he could get. Again, as a father of kids, I'm going to assume that three out of the four of those kids were daughters. Okay. I have a picture here of Alan Powell in his full regalia. You guys have to see this and show it to Tom. This guy starts getting into the trunk of his car. He's got a lot of gear. Oh, man.

That guy's scary. That's scary. He's a full knight. Yes. He's full Game of Thrones. Oh, Mandalorian. He does look kind of like the Mandalorian. How many times has Eli gone to the supermarket just dressed like that? Well, now he has to because of COVID.

That's right. That actually would be smart. That actually would be smart. Having scattered the crowd, Alan then went to his car and got his sword and axe. So this was after he got some of COVID. That's right. That actually would be smart. That actually would be smart. Having scattered the crowd, Alan then went to his car and got his sword and axe. So this was after he got some of them. So he grabbed someone's throat, scattered the crowd,

and said, I need to scatter the crowd some more. Right. And like many people who participate in Ren Fairs, they don't know when to stop. There is no fourth wall. Do you want to hear about the Ren Fair? No.

No. Sunday morning. Showed up. Nope. there is no fourth wall do you want to hear about the rent fair no sunday morning showed up nope the only fourth wall is the one around your heart so he gets his car he grabs a sword and axe about which he told police that is when he quote saw red he went full he's full i love that he saw red after he dealt with it initially like seeing red would cause you to want to put your hands on some kid's throat but then like like maybe comes out with the dusters and and they don't listen so they pee on his house or something right they ran but i love that him going to his car and getting his weapons caused him to see red this is where they say here this is where alan powell lost the plot and he told mr ahmed and another complainant that he was going to kill them that's what these kids have been messing with this son of a bitch for who knows a year right yeah and they are the ones who went to the

cops like they were like you took it too far, man. We were just having fun. You were just throwing garbage in your mail slot, which sucks too. The accusers told the court that when they saw the weapons, they left as quickly as possible. We're angels. The court was concerned with the immediate incident, but made inquiries as into why exactly Powell owned the sword, to which he said he was a medieval sports enthusiast, which is the most professional way to say that you're into blades.

Yeah. I'm a blade man. I'm a blade guy. Right. I'm a blade guy. I'm a murder enthusiast. Your Honor, I'm a blade guy living life on the edge, Aerosmith style. All right.

Instead, he said he's a medieval sports enthusiast who fought at castles using blunt weapons, including his replica 14th century blade. By the way, fought at castles probably entails he did it and a lot of people there were like, hey, man, you can't do that. Right.

Right. Fight at white castles. Right. Just leave it there. And that, believe me, Dan, there are plenty of videos of people fighting at white castles. I'm it there and that believe me dan there are plenty of videos of people fighting at white i'm a white castle fight reenactor i reenact this battle that happened in front of the bulletproof glass in queens but there is something interesting about the fact that renfares in england are probably closer to they probably look like they're already on point and also you look like you're in a probably a place that hasn't changed in five six hundred years you're not having it in a field in oklahoma you're probably having it right castle where you can see a billboard for like the good white

like over the back you can actually get your hands on a moat yes yeah it says mr powell was permitted to own the sword because exemptions were made in 2008. That's, I guess, when they banned long swords, people owning swords, which is something Florida should look into. Oh, yeah. 2008. 2008. The swords really got out of hand back then. I know.

Thank God. But the idea that you can tell people that you were grandfathered in with a sword scenario. That's another story no one wants to hear. That's another story no one wants to hear. And that is the reason why a lot of friendships ended with this guy. For sure. Exemptions were made in 2008 laws for, quote, swords, which were used for reenactments or antique weapons kept on display by collectors. Well, Mr. Powell didn't own a samurai sword, I don't know where that comes in. He did carry a sword in public and that is where he broke the law.

And it was a similar incident that spanned out of control in 2002 that brought these new laws. So in a recent sword incident, Mr. Powell claimed he had represented whales in the Sports World Cup and that one man had threatened his dad who recently had a stroke. So that's what I guess pushed him over the edge. One one man had threatened his dad who recently had a stroke

so that's what i guess pushed him over the edge one of these kids threatened his dad who had recently had a stroke he saw red he saw red man additionally building the defense lawyer said that alan powell held the weapons in a downward position and did not intend to use them let me say this this is like a checkoff's gun thing if you got a sword you're gonna use it if you have a gun right expect to use it. Right. When the ruling was declared, the judge cleared Mr. Powell of his... It's if you have a sword, expect it to go through a car window.

Right. I love that pointing down is safe. Pointing up is totally safe. Watch out. Because of that defense, though, the ruling was declared, the judge said that he cleared Mr. Powell of assault, but found him guilty of possessing offensive weapons. I will ask my three friends who can hear me right now.

How old do you believe Alan Powell is? A-L-U-N. How old is Alan? Here's what we know. Here's what we know about him. He's got four kids. He lives. Four kids.

I'm going to put him I'm going to put him at 38. 38 years old. Guy's 46. Guy's 53. I think so. I mean, I just feel like his kids are teenagers. They don't love

him. They hate him. He's getting so much shit from everybody. His wife was like, you bring that sword in this house. You go't love him. Okay. They hate him. He's getting so much shit from everybody. His wife was like, you bring that sword in this house. You go put it in your car right now. Keep it in your trunk. I don't want to see it in the house. There's so much that these guys finally did. One apple core went through his mail slot.

He was like, that's it? Yes. Okay. I don't know, though. A guy, I don't know. It seems like a long time to wait to use that story. I know. That's true.

It also depends on how old the kids are. Right. If they say father of four, he could have four 50-year-old kids who are like, Dad, you're 75. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, that's okay. Who knows? Okay, ready?

Yeah. Alan Powell, we will end our first story on this. Is 31 years old. Oh, Papa! That is good thinking, my friend. Oh my gosh. There you go. So I guess getting out there on the fields and reenacting is a young man's game. I don't know why he's so angry.

31 with four kids? How is he doing? Why? Why do you think so, Tom? Because he's... So he's 31, so he's got about 10 years in the game of parental, marital life. And he thought his life was going to be that of a warrior, dragons going out. And 10 years, one decade of realizing it's not going to happen. It's just all... He married the first woman he banged. That's to happen. It's just, oh. He married the first woman he banged.

That's what happened. And that's the problem. And there you go. He had no life experiences. Right, exactly. And just ker-bluey. You know what could have helped him out? Your old bit.

If you're married, get a girlfriend. Time for a girlfriend. Time for a girlfriend. Tom Papa's old bit. All right. When we come back on the other side of the break, we're hear about tom papa's new book i'm so excited to read it this is dumb people town don't go anywhere stick around look us down for more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to the show uh we have tom papa with us uh before we get into his book

want to remind a couple things one dan, Dan Van Kirk has a daily podcast called The Good Night Show. Nightly podcast. Nightly podcast. I listen to it in the mornings. It's how I wake up, so I'm not angry at the news. It is a great way to go to sleep

because it is just lovely, light, peaceful, fun. Randy and I have a daily podcast going right now called Sklarbro Country, The Virus Edition, a.k.a. Two Guys, One Couch, a.k.a. Sklar's a No the virus edition, AKA two guys, one couch, AKA Sklar's and no real girl. Anyway, it's really fun. We talk about, we try to take your mind off the pandemic. That's what we're trying to do every day, 30 minutes. We just try to say, hey, we're not going to talk about flattening curves. We're not going to talk about death tolls or your stock market going down. We're going to try and talk about Grimes and Elon Musk's new baby.

Their new baby name. A-12AEXAE-A-12, which was inspired by their favorite aircraft. All right. So we'll get into that for a little bit. That's what we do. Anne Randi and I just started a YouTube page, Sklarbro Country.

Subscribe to that and get on that. It helps us and it's really cool. We put a bunch of old cheap seats up there, which is so much fun. Tom Papa is our guest and he's one of our favorite comics out there, a brilliant writer. And you have a new book.

Please tell these people about it because people ask us all the time, hey, I need new material during this. And it drops today. The book is available today when this is dropping. So tell us. Yeah, very exciting. need new material during this. And it drops today. The book is available today when this is dropping. So tell us. Yeah, very exciting. It's my second book. It's called You're Doing Great and Other Reasons to Stay Alive. And it was written before all of the pandemic. But it was about looking at your life and realizing that you're actually doing great no matter where you are in

your life we have this expectation of what life is supposed to be right and it's really just at at its base the joy of the simple things yep so i just in a very comedic way part memoir part just uh just comedy just kind of tackle all the elements of our life and try and give a little perspective i think that life needs a little perspective. And I didn't realize how relevant it is now. It's unbelievable. This is the book to read right now when you don't want to all the things. This is a book that people are writing right now, but won't come out for another year. Yours is coming out right now. And it's relevant right now. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. There was one part in the book in one of the essays I actually talk about,

you know, you guys as traveling around as comedians, I talk about a coughing epidemic. I'm like, is it me or is everybody on the flight coughing? Yes. And I go into all this and then, you know, two months later, ker-bluey. Isn't that crazy? But yeah, but I really do, I kind of,

I'm very optimistic and I try and be a little less cynical in my comedy and my life. And this book is just kind of an extension of that and just give yourself a break and realize as hard as things are, which is a perspective I got from my grandparents who went through the depression and went through World War II and all the rest of it. And they never stopped believing in life and believing in making other people happy. And so I just kind of went in that direction. Where did your grandparents grow up or live when you were a kid? They were in Clifton, New Jersey, which is kind of near Giant Stadium.

So East Coast. And were they immigrants or no? Were they? Yeah, they came over. They were Italian. And they came over. One was before the war and one was after. That's amazing.

Yeah. And they had nothing. They had nothing. And they had the huge families and a lot of heartache and a lot of really crazy things that happened in the in the culture and like no money and living like in one little apartment with eight brothers and sisters and they had every reason to complain and to think that life was something that was uh was taking the stuffing out of them and they they almost felt the opposite that like if you were to not if you did not appreciate every single day that you're alive it was an insult it was more

than that it was a sin yeah it was not to be tolerated and you should not only should you be grateful for what you have you should be spreading that with your your brothers and sisters and your parents and your neighbors and it was their duty to live a good life it's great it's such a great did they ever get to see you do stand-up were they alive when you did yeah did they love it i'm sure they loved it one yeah they did they got a really kick a big kick out of it i think the one grandmother i i once did this joke it was kind of in the beginning when you don't know what you're doing right it was a little i was a little dirty yeah and i and i looked over she was at a club and i looked over and she she just looked at me and

shook her head that's the ultimate she didn't have to say anything just no yeah she's probably holding her purse it just was right no no you're're not going to do that. But that is exactly, oh my God, that's what you're doing with this book. With this book and with your comedy. What a wonderful thing. What a wonderful tribute to what they said, which is, what is the thing that you can do that can really make people appreciate life and you can make them laugh? And that's what it is. So again, the title of the book, so people can get it right now from this thing is...

You're Doing Great and Other Reasons to Stay Alive. So again, the title of the book, so people can get it right now from this thing is... You're Doing Great and Other Reasons to Stay Alive. Okay. In the time of the pandemic, Tom Papa, You're Doing Great and Other Reasons to Stay Alive. This is it. I want you guys to pick that book up now. And let's get into another story. I'm sorry.

Can I put one more quick plug in? Sure. Do it. Because today is also the day that my new podcast uh tom pop uh breaking bread with tom papa great oh hell yeah where because i've you know before all these trendy sourdough makers got into the game with the corn i've been doing it for years yes and so i wanted the i wanted this new podcast to just be a celebration you sit down you break bread with people you feed them enjoy wine and all this kind of stuff and i started with Tom Segura and Alonzo Bowden.

And I'm telling you, it's so great. You guys have to do it. If you just ask somebody, tell me about who fed you when you were a child. Yeah, you're gone. Sit back and just have this great time. It's so visceral. It's so like it is, you know, it's time and place. it's so visceral it's so like it it is you know it's time and place like a food a smell can like immediately take you back to your eight years old and your grandma fed you you're a hundred percent

it's so good and they just they just did a big thing on cbs sunday morning this past week i love that show and it was all about like what people are eating now and why they're eating it like what's selling a lot more and some of it was people trying to reconnect to the stories that i'm sure are going to come out of breaking bad yeah and what you yeah what you realize is like we people that were making food in our era it was like a foodie thing and they were getting it was trendy to like i'm gonna make this back then it was just that's how you fed your family there was no takeout there was no he just cranked stuff out all the time yeah and uh amazing and the bread aspect of it too is so my wife has been making them and making sourdough and giving out like part of the starter to other friends to get

them so i'm like it's like a coaching tree now your starter is sitting over here and then these get a little bit here and then it's just such a cool thing so i appreciate the coolest breaking bread with tom papa and again the, please pick that up now. Should we jump into another story? Let's do it. Let's do it. Okay. In this time of pandemic and everything feeling out of sorts, this is probably the story I've

been sent the most. Okay. I mean, it just clogged up my Twitter mentions. And I thank everybody for it because it is perfect for dumb people, Tom. I'm going to read you the headline. Man caught camping on Disney's Discovery Island says it was tropical paradise.

This was sent in by Adam Poulton at Poultski. P-O-U-L-T-S-K-I. You can't do this. Poultski 75. By the way, who has ever referred to Disney as a tropical paradise? Nobody. It is a hell on earth.

Oh, go to Disney World, baby. I've been, man. I've been. I want to go to the new Star Wars experience. I hear it's amazing. Yeah. And the Avatar one. The Avatar ride is one of the greatest rides I've ever been on.

Ever. So there's this. You can get an app on your phone like the wait times. You can just see what they are. So like if you have the Disney app, you can just anywhere you are be like, what's the wait time for the Avatar? And I looked at it. We

looked at it one time, my kids, and they're like 13 hours. I'm like, there is no way I'm waiting 13 hours. Two hours and 45 minutes the last time I went. but the first time we had we were staying on property so i had like in florida yeah wow you get a fast well you get like magic hours and so like there's a part where only if you're staying on property are you allowed to still be in the park so it's only like an hour wait jesus but it's one of the coolest rides i've

ever been on it's like if you like soren or if you know what that is soren california or soren the world it's like your own personal soren you're if you know what that is, Soarin' California or Soarin' the World, it's like your own personal Soarin'. You're riding one of those Banshees in Avatar and it's insane. But the Star Wars one is supposed to be. That's pretty cool. Yeah, Star Wars one is great too. Yeah. It's all amazing.

All the stuff is great. If it wasn't for all those other people. That's it. I don't want to watch like this giant family. Well, you don't have to worry about that if you decide to go live in Disney World right now like this guy did. What an idiot. Would he climb the fence? Orange County, Florida.

A man is facing trespassing charges after security found him camping on Walt Disney World's Discovery Island, according to the Orange County Sheriff. I'm like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Am I going to become friends with a volleyball? It's not easy to get there. I know where this is. He's near the Magic Kingdom. It's on the same lake area where the Grand Floridian, I think it's called, is. And that's the lake where the alligator killed that little kid.

Oh, my God. I don't know how he got out to the island. He had to swim through alligator-infested waters to get out there. Is it worth it? And he's camping. Does he have his own tent? He's on Discovery Island. You know what they discovered?

He's a dummy. That's what they discovered on Discovery Island. Deputies say they were called to 4301 North World Drive. I love that they give the address for Disney World. It's just Disney World. Nobody's ever like pulled over halfway like outside of a Ron John surf shop with their family in the station

being like, you can't tell me how to get to 4301 North. I need the 4300 block of World Way. A main street. You know, there's a taffy shop on the corner. You're going to go past the taffy shop. Do fireworks every night.

There'll be a barbershop quartet on your left and a crying four-year-old. There'll be quite a few of those on your right. Once you get past them. Yeah. They said they were called to Walt Disney World after Richard Maguire was spotted on the Disney-owned property, which is currently closed to the public. Dickie Maguire. How is he spotted? They must have people, just maintenance people still.

They probably have cameras everywhere. They have cameras and people probably sweeping through at this point. You keep a skeleton crew, so to speak. Orange County deputies searched for Maguire on foot, by helicopter, and by boat before finally making contact. That's out here. No, Orange County, Florida. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It always gets confusing. I get confused.

I know. Before finally making contact with him. That's a lot of overkill for one guy. One if by land, two if by sea. Don't you have tranquilizer darts that you can just fire from a plane? Just take him out. If no one's there, just like drop napalm on the whole park.

Or just let Captain Hook handle it. Yeah, exactly. Got a hook in the eye, this guy. Yes. When deputies told McGuire they had been using a loudspeaker to address him, which means I guess they were like through the park being like, sir, we know you're out here. The man on Discovery Island.

Which I hope he was like, there's some other guy. They're not talking to me. You know how you sometimes hear an announcer like, did they just say Sklar? Are they taking me? Did they say my name? What I hope too is the preamble to all this is him being in a fight with some like on again off again lover dan where they

said to him where are you gonna go what are you gonna do oh i gotta he said oh i got a plan i'm going i'm going to disney i'm going to disney i don't even have to win the super bowl and i get to say this i'm going at disney is the white trash version of a super bowl champion i'm going to disney world where are you going to go after this legal separation? I'm going to Disney World. When deputies told McGuire they've been using a loudspeaker to address him, he said he didn't hear them because he was sleeping

inside one of the buildings on the island, which he referred to as a tropical paradise. You know how a tropical paradise has buildings? You know how Top of the air is inside a building that's one of the greatest things about tropical paradises all of their buildings yeah all those man-made structures being inside of the tiki hut the tiki hut with all those birds yeah

what floor of the tiki building were you i just want to know like i i okay well here we go according to a rest part it says it here. McGuire told deputies he was not aware that the property was off limits. What world are you living on? Oh, I didn't know. It was all boarded up and it said no trespassing. I had no idea. 18 fences in a barbed wire.

When you were climbing the fence. Yeah, right. I was just unaware. It just was like a simple climbing of a fence. Dive over barbed wire, you know. When there was no one there to sell you a balloon inside of another balloon, you thought that this place was open? Yeah, it's open.

That's my biggest thing. I never understand the people who get roped into buying the Mickey balloon inside the larger balloon. If the front door was open and he just wandered in, like there is no world in which you're like, you are walking and saying, got in i snuck in if you are paying attention to the news for one second you are assuming it's closed yeah if you've seen national lampoon's vacation yeah sorry folks parks closed moose out front should have told you

yeah i just watched that with my 11 year old son oh really he loved that can't break the skin it could put a lodge on the skin and cause a very bad infection. You know, they had to reshoot the ending to National Lampoon's Vacation. Yeah, that's why Anthony Michael Hall is like so much taller. They had to go back and reshoot that whole thing with candy. Okay, Discovery Island was a

zoological attraction before Disney's Animal Kingdom. So it must be where they had all the animals before they open up Animal Kingdom, which also is like one of the coolest parks they have down there. Yeah, I've been there. It's been closed since 1999. He's in a building that's been closed since 1999 or on an island. Yes.

To me, that is the most terrifying thing in the world. You know that like... Go ahead, Tom. It's terrifying because all the animals are talking? Yes. No, that's haunted it is haunted by the ghosts of oh my god if i heard anything like a rustling of anything i'd be like i'm gonna die this is how i die this crazy clown house right all of disney's orlando area theme parks

are also currently closed i love that in orlando in florida that pro wrestling is is deemed more essential to their economy than the fact that half their state is built off the money from theme parks. Now, I'm not saying that they should open theme parks. I understand why they can't know, but but they're more essential to their economy than professional. Amen, exactly. Yeah, it's been close to signing out.

This made me think of it as like like Disney World has an entire island that they used to have all these attractions on that. They now don't even, they haven't used in over 20 years. And I remembered an employee told me when I was there the last time at Disney World, they have only used all those parts, all that stuff. They've only used a third of the property that Walt Disney bought. Wow. That's how much land they have down there. Unreal. That is insane to think about. They're just waiting

for new movie franchises to come out so they can build the thing they want. I mean, I remember, we remember going to Disney World

before Epcot. Yeah, I remember pre-Epcot. Oh, really? Yeah. You must have gone there when you were a kid, like down from there.

I think the first time I went was when Epcot opened. Yeah, so we went pre- pre-epcot i remember when epcot opened it was the biggest thing ever the best thing the best time everyone we went for uh espn the weekend this is back when we were doing this 15 years ago we were doing cheap seats and they gave us a personal guide which walked us to the front of every single line that's because we were doing shows for espn live shows of cheap seats and whatnot while we were there and i mean it was amazing and we stayed in the animal park so you'd go out wait when was this this was in 2006 so maybe animal kingdom had just opened just open and so like we're staying in the hotel, and you'd look out from your hotel,

and there's like giraffe. There are giraffes walking around. Just walk around. It's gorgeous. But wait, this guy probably had to go through that stuff. No, because that's a whole different area. He's over by Magic King. How you find this place is beyond.

It's crazy. No, but this is what this guy thought. He had to have done it at night. No, and he thought to himself i'm gonna go into this crazy like place and i'm gonna live off the land i'm gonna be live off the fake land live off the fake land and the fake came how long was he there that is a great question it says here that he had been camping there since monday or tuesday and doesn't give us any other point of reference. This came out on

let me look at the date right here that says here that this came out. Look at a calendar. So you this came out on the on Monday the first. So the first May 1st Friday was a Friday. So he'd been there about four days, five or five days.

He's out. I wonder where days he's been to Canada. Wow. I wonder where did he go originally that he was like, you know what? This doesn't feel like a tropical paradise. Harry Potter at Universal. I'm at Hogwarts here and it's not feeling very tropical to me. I understand why they call it Escape from Gringotts. I don't want to stay here.

Then he goes down to the Bahamas. He's like, this isn't really a tropical paradise right let me get up let me get up in discovery island and see how that is uh he said that he had planned on staying there for about a week don't let us ruin your plans sir he was arrested in charge of trespassing and on posted property and was also ordered not to return to any additional Walt Disney World properties. Let me ask you this. I don't know if that's official or just a suggestion. Ban from Disney World. Tom, have you ever trespassed anywhere in your life as a kid or whatever?

Gone somewhere where you shouldn't have gone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We used to break into the pool, the town pool at night when we were kids. And there's a feeling okay so you only had to probably jump one fence or whatever it was yeah under the fence under the fence there's a feeling though like the second as your body is going under that fence you're like i'm doing something wrong yeah but it's so exciting exhilarating but can you imagine like whatever crazy ass security disney has like? It can't be just one.

You're not going under a local pool fence. You've got to go up over so much stuff. Yeah. Tom, you just also blew my mind because we have a little swimming area called Spring Lake, but it's next to Spring Lake. They call it Spring Lake. It's like the pool, the public pool. You paid like $1. five a day to go there, right? And it never

crossed my mind once when I was in high school to break into that swim at night. Now we would go. We used to do a thing we called pool hopping, where you would make a list of all the kids who had pools at their houses, and we would run and jump in their pool and maybe throw some of their pool furniture into

it and then run to the next house and just do this the whole night. Hilarious. It was so much fun. Oh, my God. It was so much fun. But I'm like, why did we never break into Spring Lake? Because it seemed like it was too much.

I might do it. The next summer I get to go home as a grown man. I think I might do it. You should do it, Dan. You have to. I mean, I'll get arrested. Don't get arrested. I'll get arrested.

We used to break into the, not break in, but we would sneak into the football field and ring the victory bell, which was the bell that the football team would ring after the game. And I mean, it was so loud in all these houses around. That was kind of like the only trespassing we did. We went to, when we were in,

and I'm sure you've done this club, Tom, in Bloomington, Indiana, the Comedy Attic. Have you ever done that? No. Oh, you have to. You would love it. It's a wonderful city. I hope it survives.

I really do. University of Indiana's IU is such a great school. And of course, we're huge fans of the movie Breaking Away. And they have the quarries where they were swimming at the movie. Oh, no way. And so we were like, it was wintertime. We're like, we got to go see the quarry.

Let's go try and find the quarry where they shot this thing. And we're recording this for this Sklars and Stripes thing we did about going around and doing comedy all over the country. And we're recording us walking out there with our buddy Scott. And we start walking out there and it's like, no. You can hear the terror in our voice. You hear us because it says no trespassing. And we're like, we should do this. And we keep walking in and it says, seriously, no trespassing and we're like we should do this and we keep

walking in it says seriously no trespassing and we keep walking we keep going through this and then it's like no trespassing and there's some trucks working over there we're like we're gonna get shot right now you just felt increasingly worse and we're like the further we go into this the more we can't get out of it it takes a person without a conscience to think they can camp on this goddamn island. We'll get out of here on this. How old do you guys think Richard McGuire, the man who found his tropical paradise,

planned to live there for about a week, got about four or five days into it before he was gone? I'm going to be willing to admit that he thought he was going to probably fall in love with and marry a mermaid who lived there too. Still possible. It's got to be part of the plan all right how old tom do you think uh this dude is this dude is 41 okay dad okay uh which by the way sounds old but to you me and jason that's yeah he's eight years younger than me he's a kid kid. He's got his whole life ahead of him. I feel like he's got some skills. Right.

I think he's obviously delusional. His brain is delusional. He's slipping. I'm going to say 37. 37. I think he's 28. 28 years old. Okay, one of you is only one year off.

This is fun. One of us is only one year off. Because we will get out of here before we head to the third story and close out the second story with this. Richard McGuire, little Dickie Mick. He asked me, tried to live in Walt Disney World, found his paradise and was there for almost a whole week is 42 years old. Oh, you know your stuff. Very good assessment of who this dude was. All right, give us a little

taste of what we're going to hear in the Thursday. We do this every once in a while. It is a nightmare for parents. Okay, nightmare for parents. Parents will all know this. Tom Papa's here. We got a short story on the other side of this break, so stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. day with us. Hey guys, welcome back to dumb people town. Dan, take us home, buddy. All right,

here we go. This one has also been sent to me a lot because it is perfect for dumb people town. I will read you the headline that was sent in by big fan at F Y I F Y I U rock. Thank you so much. Big fan, five-year-old boy driving parents' car to head to California. We talked about this on our daily, but geez louise. It's okay. Let's get into it because I want to hear what Tom has to say about this. Weber County, Utah. According to troopers with the Utah Highway Patrol. I think it's Weber.

Oh, Weber? Yeah, Weber State. Because it's Weber State. Oh, yeah. Weber State. I think it's Weber. Oh, Weber? Yeah, Weber State.

Because it's Weber State. Oh, yeah. Weber State. A five-year-old boy was pulled over driving his parents' car on the freeway on Monday. Have you had to teach your kids how to drive yet? Any of your kids? Yeah, yeah. How has that process gone?

She's good now, but it's scary beginnings. Okay, and she was age appropriate. You probably did it when she was 16. Right. She did it when she was 15. Yeah, but if you give it to them when they're five and you aren't there to worry about it, there's out of sight, out of anxiety. How does a five-year-old know how to do it?

How does a five-year-old understand how to start a car and drive it? You can't. How does he reach the pedals? And how does he back up and go? I don't understand. Yeah. How do they reach the pedals?

He got onto the freeway. UHP said a trooper in Weber County initiated a traffic stop on what he thought was an impaired driver. It was an unprepared driver. Turns out it was a five-year-old child. UPH said he told troopers. Dan, I'm serious. How do you think this kid was driving this car?

How do you think he could? Is he either like a five-foot, six-inch kid? Sort of standing up. I said standing up. Yeah, Tom's doing it. It's got to be some of that. Like a grandma. Like a shrunken grandma.

So you're not even seeing over there. But standing. He maybe pushed the seat back. Through the wheel. Yeah. Looking through the wheel. Through the wheel. Yeah. Looking through the wheel. Through the wheel. I don't know.

If it's a power seat, you can get those really close. And I mean, there are like old little men and women who like still drive. Five years old is so small. Five years old. Old people. What if he's standing as his five-year-old? Here's the other thing. A lot of people have said that there's a big negative and a big positive to screen time in our life.

The first is that so many kids are riding in cars having screen time that they are not paying attention to how their parents drive. So when they go to learn any sort of curve they've already started to climb that we all had because you couldn't do anything other than sit there and watch your parent drive, they don't have any of that so they're not aware kids don't want it kids don't want to drive i don't know if your daughter because of uber they're like oh we'll

just take an uber to the party yeah i know i know but yet being on your phone all the time and manipulating the hand-eye coordination that's the positive side of it they said a lot of kids who have played those games have a very advanced understanding of how to drive. He's five, Dan. This kid's five. I can't even get my six-year-old to take her plate to the sink. How am I going to drive a goddamn car? Out of the car and onto the highway.

But we've heard stories of people who have landed planes because they were obsessed with simulators and they knew what to do. There are kids who understand stick shift just by playing racing games. Yeah, that's true. So there might have been some sort of knowledge there that would put him ahead of the crowd.

Dan, he is not 12. He's five. He is five. I'm not. Hey, he got pulled over. But he also made it on the freeway. I think he rode it like a tractor, just stood up. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I think. Put on the gas. But wait, but wait. But he got pulled over, so he knew to pull over. By the way. Give him that credit. He got on the freeway, and then the cops pulled him over. Unless the cops forced the car.

Maybe. I don't know, but that's just... We're assuming that he was going quickly. Yes. I think he was probably weaving a little bit. For sure. Well, they said he thought he was an unimpaired driver. Troopers said...

He told troopers that he left home after an argument with his mom in which he told she told him she would not buy him a Lamborghini. Yeah, well, that's right. You don't get a Lamborghini at five, dummy. So he decided to take the car and go to California and get one himself.

First of all, this is five years old. This is pretty great. All Lamborghinis are in California. Hey, dummy there's a lamborghini dealership a mile from your house you stupid shit park city it's baby jay leno and another story from this it turns out that after the argument he was being watched by his i think either older sister or older cousin she decided to take a nap and while she was asleep he took the car keys she said she will never leave the keys out again uh she's never gonna babysit that kid again this kid needs to be put in a cage at the border he drove for miles from his home before

being uh how many miles it doesn't't say. Oh, my God. But he did have money with him to buy a Lamborghini. I hope it was a good nap. But where is he putting money? I feel like this kid had a wallet with money and a condom in it. Yeah, he's like, let's go. I hope he's got a Roth IRA. Yeah, he's got a lot of stuff.

Very advanced. He's the Doogie Howser of poor car buying. That's right. Okay, if you guys already know, you can poor car buying. That's right. Okay. If you guys already know, you can recuse yourself. We will recuse ourselves. This is just him. But how much money do you think he had in his wallet?

I remember. I remember. I'm anxious to hear what Tom has to say. How much money do you think he had? How much money? $2. $2. Okay.

I will tell you now. Play along, Tonys's wherever you are with us play in place of the sklars because this five-year-old boy to buy a lamborghini after a fight with his mom and they say you make rash decisions when you're upset it was either this or cut driving after that if you get a lamborghini or cut his hair into bangs but it was so he was gonna do something drastic don't drive angry if you're five. Don't go to bed angry. To buy a Lamborghini in his wallet

on his way to California in the car that he stole, he had $3. Good guess, Tom Papa. Nice work. You've been on it all day today. Utah to California. This kid, by the way,

I'm not saying this kid couldn't get a Lamborghini. He drove, if he got onto the highway, which means he had to merge onto a highway. He shows up at a Lamborghini dealership. Let's just say he can't haggle his way into a $3 Lamborghini. You know what I'm saying? He sits down and the guy's like, look, these are $275,000 cars. I can't. And he puts the $3 down. And he never sits down. No, the kid stands up

And literally the kid produces a wallet I'm like, you're fine and you have a wallet Slides And then the guy looks up Go talk to your manager And the guy goes, let me see what I can do Go talk to your manager I have 65 years to pay it off

Put $3 down $3 down and I'll pay it off I'm good for it Those are our stories, friends. Those are unbelievable stories. Again, Tom Papa, tell them the name of the book one more time so they can go out and get it. You're Doing Great and Other Reasons to Stay Alive. God, we need it more than ever in your pod.

That is out today in your podcast, Breaking Bread with Tom Papa. Subscribe to that. We're going to do it when we can all get back together again, and we're going to force you to have us on. Oh, please. I can't wait. I love having you in dumb people town. You're so smart and you're so great and you understand it so well.

Have a good one, Tom Papa. Thank you. I love you all. Love you too, buddy. Oh shit. We got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb