Dumb People Town - Tom Scharpling - Get 'Em Covered

Episode Date: August 2, 2022

This week Tom Scharpling comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a terribly placed home. The second story is all about the greatest/worst job listing. The final story is about one man's disturbance while hiding from the cops.

Skypains Avenue Hey, Tatties, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population news. Population Sharpling. Tom Sharples Sharpling, welcome to the show, dude. Thanks for having me. What a treat. I know. What a treat. Is this the best show we've ever done? This will be the best show in

many ways. Now you just raised the bar so high. Did we raise the bar? Everything you're a part of is the best show. You are a part of the best show. When I'm there, it's the best. It's the best. That's the title of your next book. When I'm there, it's the best. We're going to get into your book later.

I'm holding a copy of this book. We'll get into that. We'll get into that later, but it is such a treat to have you in person. This is something we've wanted for a long period of time. I do get giddy every time I see you out in the wild. And we saw you the other night at a show, and it just made me thrilled. I was like, how many, can I bombard him with NBA questions? And then you told me you haven't been following the NBA.

I just had an off year with following the NBA. It's okay. You and Kyrie. Yes. We both sat out every other day. That's great. For different reasons. Yes, exactly.

But then we just rapped about comedy people and all that stuff, and then we're like, we need more we need more so we brought you in we pulled you into Dumb People Town because here's the good news I don't know if you've noticed this but the world has gotten dumber it continues to get dumber yeah pretty much you guys everybody else's

pain is your gain right we're like are we going to have enough material yeah I think we're going to have enough material to do this forever so we're going to have enough material to do this forever. So we're going to just jump into the story right away and then we'll get to all the stuff you got going on. Daniel. Ready? Yes. Let's do it. Alright friends, this was sent in by

their name is, we talking about practice, their handle is notagame underscore AI. I like this. We're talking about practice. That's not a game. Underscore AI. Not a game. Not a game. Underscore AI. Not a game. Not a game.

Not a game. Massachusetts family wins verdict from country club after property hit by golf balls. Wow. Which seems. Do people want to live by golf courses, right? I never understood that. This is why they're dumb. That's a weird choice. It is pretty stupid.

It's just like, because you're looking at the golf course. You're probably not a member of the golf course. And you're like, I'll be able to go out and just play a little. No, you won't. When do you think you'll be able to go out? You're at your beautiful home right at the end of a par three. And you're wondering, what life are you signing up for? It's like people who move next to Wrigley Field. and then they spend all this time battling the city about night games

and noise and concerts and i'm like yeah it's like you maybe shouldn't have moved next to a literally a state now however not just a stadium wrigley field is like a party stadium yeah it's one of the world's biggest bars it's the party cove of stadium but what if this house wasn't right on the golf course? And just they're like right in the slice zone of really bad golfers. And so they're like a few houses off. Then they might have a street. Then you might have a case.

You might have a case. Yeah. I guess if they got a lot of happy Gilmores living near them. Just driving the ball like crazy. A Massachusetts couple won a verdict against a local country club after suffering... They won. ...from a years-long, quote, continuous threat of wayward golf balls struck by hackers.

Yeah. A Plymouth County Superior Court jury... I mean, that was to get in a dig at the people who are at the country club, right? Yeah. You're not good. You're hackers. You're not good. You're not good You're hackers

You're not good A Plymouth County Superior Court jury Awarded Eric and Athena Tenzar T-E-N-C-Z-A-R Feels like a Game of Thrones couple Yeah, the Tenzar family First of their name

Is Tenzar the name of one of the two Gargoyles that comes to life in Ghostbusters? Yes No, you're close Gozar? Yes. Gozar. Yes. Tenzar does sound close. If it was Tenzar, Rick Moranis would still be

in acting and comedy. If it's Gozar the Keymaster, Tenzar is the locksmith. Sure. Yeah. The Superior Court found that the Indian Pond Country Club was at fault for not protecting the couple's home from a constant barrage of bad golfing court records showed. The Tenzars originally sued both Indian Pond and Spectrum Building Incorporated.

Can they call it Indian Pond anymore? Can we still do that? Yeah, I think they're going to go. The gains and losses are going to be happening. Now we've opened it up to the public. Someone's going to sue them for the name. It's like, just put a net up for these people.

So it was Indian Pond and then Spectrum Building Incorporated, which built their new home in Kingston, about 40 miles south of downtown Boston. They settled with the builders, leaving Indian Pond Country Club as the sole defendant. Oh, wow. The continuous threat of golf ball strikes occurring at any time

prevents the Tsars from the use and enjoyment of their property, which was purchased for $750,000 April 27, 2017. Wow. The Tsars' attorney, Robert Galvin, said he understands skepticism about his client's dismay over errant golf balls, knowing they were buying a property that abuts the 15th hole. So who's dumb here, do you think? Like, right at this point in the story, who do you think? Like, who's side do you want?

Who's side do you want, Tom, at this point? Well, the next sentence might affect that. I would need to know if, like, when they were checking the house out, if they were just, like, seeing golf balls flying at the yard. Flying, sure. Like, the realtor's just like, oh, that's nothing. That never happens. We only show it at night.

Yeah, right. We only show it, like, at 7.30 p.m. 7 at night, yeah. Just have a flashlight out in the backyard. So it's been five years. The inconvenience of occasional backyard golf balls pales in comparison to how many times do you think in the last five years they say their home has been hit by golf balls? They say. Yes.

That's very important to do that. Right. How many times? If you had to guess, what's enough for suing? 1,500 times. Okay. Wow. Oh, my God.

I'm going to say 10,000 times. Okay. I'm going to say 800. 651 times. Okay, all right, all right. Over two years, what do you average? About one every three, four days? Yeah.

So just boom. Yeah. At any time. Yeah, at any time. I mean, there's a golf course in St. Louis that is a public course, and all along the seventh hole, literally the entire left side, it's condos.

If you hook it. Have you guys ever hit a house? Yes. If you hook it, it's going to hit a house. I mean, it's like people who live on golf courses are there. It's like getting mad. It's like suing Mount Everest if you get frostbite in the death zone. You know what I mean? It's like we all know.

You chose to be there. You chose to go. No one put a gun to your head and said you have to buy this property. I don't assume that this place has night golf. But even during the day, the amount of times you would hear a sound and then not go check it out because you're just so used to it being golf balls. No, it's a golf ball. Right. Anybody could break in.

You'd have no idea. You'd be like, golf ball. Golf ball. I would never live butted up ever since the Golden State Killer book and all that stuff. Right. Anybody could break in. You'd have no idea. You'd be like, golf ball. Golf ball. Yeah. I would never live butted up ever since the Golden State Killer book and all that stuff. Like, I would never live butted up to anything but, like – Where people just have accidents. Where someone can just, like, get there and then get out into, like, a dark place and just be gone. Like, no.

I'm not doing that. There have been multiple broken windows, according to the lawsuit, and one particularly jarring shot on July 18, 2018 that struck a window. Shot heard around the world. Yeah, in the home, shattering the glass and terrifying the plaintiff's young daughter, resulting in the Tenzars contacting the Kingston police to file a report. They thought they were buying a golf course view property, and what they ended up with buying was a golf course in play property. Glavin?

Oh, so there you go. Right. That's it. You can't see the golf course in play property get glavin galvin oh so there you go right that's it you can't see the golf course you're in it yeah you're like where are we on the golf course right like if you're far enough away from a t-box you're probably not going to have an issue right or if you're close to a t-box you're probably not going to i'm saying close to a t-box close to a t-box but if you're like 250 yards yards or like 190 to 230 down the line, you have a shot to get hit. You have problems. Yeah. I mean, I would now question them wanting to look at a golf course.

It's a weird thing. That's some aspirational thing. It's like, look at this view out our window. It's a golf course. It's a golf course. And it's the same hole. Yeah. Literally, you're not looking at the whole golf course. You're looking at the same strip of a golf course. And it's the same hole. Literally, you're not looking at the

whole golf course. You're looking at the same strip of a golf course. I've even had restaurants on golf courses and gotten bored looking at the golf course during the course of one meal. I'm just like, I get it. Enough. You've got a pond.

Oh, you problematically named your pond? Okay, well, I guess that's something we can talk about. Wonderful. How many Native American members of the club do you have? Zero. Okay. All right, cool. It was apparent to anyone that this house was going to be struck as repeatedly as this one was.

They would have never bought this property. A lawyer from the country club could not be immediately reached for a comment on Monday. The judgment is being appealed with the defense awarding the couple how much money. They won their lawsuit. They won. They won. How much money? 600 times their house got hit.

671 times. 51. Okay. I have no idea. 1.5 million dollars. 1.5 million. Jason? I'm going to say like 500K.

500K. I think it's only like 125,000. Still like way beyond what someone should get. They were awarded $4.9 million. What? What the hell? $4.9 million. Is this one of those things where you get in the system and they're like, we have a country club that's on the hook.

Let's now get them. Let's get them. I don't know. I mean. Like if it's in the legal system. Let's now get them. Let's get them. If it's in the legal system. Like a jury of our peers. I'm guessing none of these people are. No one's going to be on the side of a country club right now. No one's going to support the club. Nobody is going to support it.

Let's hear what the country club has to say. Indian Pond Country Club. The couple's home is at the bend of a severe leftward curve in the course. So golfers seeking to cut the dog leg would regularly blast off the tee in hopes of clearing the tree line, but end up hitting the home instead. Sure. So it's every drunk guy's like,

I got it. I got it. Rip it, rip it, rip it. And what hole was it? 15. So people are a little wobbly. Tired. At the end of the day. This is the point at which, on the 15th hole is where, for most people who don't play golf all the time.

That's where your game falls apart. You fall apart and you're like, I need to walk off the course. You contemplate walking off the course and not playing. So you're hitting angry? Yeah. You're hitting angry and you're also like, where did my swing go from the first 12 holes? I was good on hole one through six.

I thought I was going to have a good outing. And then it falls apart. And then it falls apart. You can't help it. You look out. You see this family. You're frustrated. You're mad at them.

Yeah, you're mad at them. Fuck that. Fuck that house. Somebody's got to get hurt. Fuck that. He's aiming at the house. We're going to ruin a barbecue right now. If you played this course in the last five years, and you're pretty sure you've hit that

house, and you find out they just made five million dollars, don't you feel like you helped a little? Oh, yeah. Aren't you like, I mean, you got five million because I hit your house. Maybe a little something back for me? Yeah. I'd go up there. At least give me a bucket of golf balls. Yeah. Or give me all the ones you found.

You should have 650 balls at your house. You should be selling golf balls. Sell them to golfers walking by. That's story number one, my friends. I love it. Just dumb people in a dumb house. I think they're stupid for buying the house. And I think the people who thought that they could-

Who laid out that course. And who laid out the course. You think over the course of five years, too, they could- Is it really hard to move like a fairway? Yes. I would say, yeah. I mean, what I would probably do is move the teabot. You could probably clear out some of those trees and shorten that bend a little bit.

Or move the teabot over. Like it doesn't dogleg as much. Or what I would do is, and this might piss off the neighbors, is plant high trees on one side, just the side where the – Most of the balls seem to come from the teabot. Where the balls come from. I'm just talking about that. I would probably build a giant

slide like on a miniature golf course that would roll the ball back onto the tee box near my house. I'd put that in my backyard and they would frustrate them too because now the ball would roll backwards. And still put them in trouble. Yes. Okay, that's good. Or a giant

windmill maybe. There you go. I'm on that one too. The Coyote 15. Alright, that's good. Or a giant windmill, maybe. There you go. I'm on that one, too. Yeah, let's put up a giant windmill. The Coyote 15. All right, there you go. First story, now the books. When we come back, we're going to find out. Tom Sharpling has a brand new book, and I want everyone to read it.

I'm excited to read it. And he has a, I'm not sure if this comes out before that. I think this is going to be after that. So you probably just listened to his 24-hour podcast. Yeah, and I'm dead now. He's dead. Because I did a 24-hour show, and that was the end of my life. Well, we're going to hear all about how it went in the future.

Exactly. Right after this break. Don't People Town, we'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT.

We want to remind you guys our show, The Nosebleeds, which is the reboot of our show, Cheap Seats. People have been asking for 15 years. We have got it. It is Cheap Seats for the UFC, and it is out on YouTube. UFC's YouTube page is the first episode, and then if you like it and you want to join Fight Pass, you can always do that. And subscribe to it and see the other five episodes. We love it. We have had 15 years to be in our own personal lab to figure out what was the best part about this show and how do we do it.

Guest stars from Jon Hamm, Tony Hale, Andy Richter. Rob Cordridge in the first one. Rob Cordridge in the first one. Marilyn Rice Cubs. So what we need you guys to do is this. We are trying to get over a million views of this thing on their YouTube page to send a message that, hey, this is a great show with nice comments. So watch it over and over. Write nice comments on their YouTube thing, and that will help us ensure that we can actually write more of these things, which would be a blast.

How much fun. Daniel. Check it out. Go to DanielVanKirk.com for all my dates, places like Tulsa, Honolulu, Oklahoma City, Fayetteville, and a whole bunch of other good stuff, as well as a charity event that I'm doing August 13th. Do they call Honolulu the Tulsa of the South Pacific? Yeah, you ever heard that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I learned that in a World War II documentary.

So go to danielvankirk.com for all that good stuff. Also, we're doing a little mini live Dumb People Town kind of run. A little fun run. Let's call it a fun run. We'll be at the Hutton Hotel in the Analog Room in Nashville, Tennessee on the 13th of October. Never done a live show in Nashville. Never done one, but we've got Dusty Slay,

great comedian, and Stephen Poltz, who wrote some music. Steve Poltz, who wrote music for Jewel. I know Tom Sharpling, a very good, a big music man himself. Steve Poltz is great, so he's going to be playing music there. And then, I wonder if you've heard of this band. So Friday night we'll be in Chicago.

We're working on the venue for that right now. We'll let you know, and the tickets will be up and available. And then Sunday night we'll be at the Bell House in Brooklyn. Andrew Dismukes from SNL will be there. Roy Wood Jr. is going to be there. If he doesn't get pulled away for the midterm elections, someone will do that. He said he can do it.

He said he's in. And then the band Cut Worms. Do you know the band Cut Worms? Oh yeah, I agree. I love them. Love them. Love them. So good.

Amazing. They are going to be, Max is going to be playing live for us. That's amazing. Hell of a show, right? It should be sold out by now. So that's it.

Tom, let's talk about your book. It Never Ends. Tom Sharpling. Yes. Now with more memoir stories. Yes. Feels good. Please tell me. be sold out by now so that's it uh tom let's talk about your book it never ends tom sharpling yes this just now with more memoir stories yes feels good please tell me what is this well it's a it's the story of a young boy who now it's just it's just no it's just a it's a collection of my stuff and stories and it's some of it's sad and most of it's not right but it's it's uh it was a long time coming it was probably the hardest thing i've ever done because it's just hard to write a book oh my

god oh my god it's so hard how do you do i mean was it so it's a bunch of stories but did you have like a through line for how i'm going to write this thing and that was hard i knew the i knew the arc of the thing the whole time. Right. But then it's just like, that's all theoretical when you actually have to suddenly be like, I got to write it. I actually have to,

I would have got a dry erase board and I would write like 3000 words and then go to bed and then wake up. And I just had to write 3000 words. Is that what you put on yourself to do? Oh my God. It was just like, I would look, I was super excited by the pandemic because I was trapped. And you had to come up with something.

I had nothing else to do. So I was just like, this is a gift. Everybody else was suffering and dying. And I was just like, this is the best thing that ever happened. You're dying in a different way. You're dying to come up with content. But, I mean, how is it compared to, because you wrote on what we do in the shadows and you've just written on a dan harman show animated show that's coming out i just read about uh how does it compare to the the i don't want to call it the pressure but you know like

when you're on script it's your thing to write and it's you got to get it going the whole thing is every other thing i've done even doing podcast radio those are still relatively collaborative this is just truly solo oh you're in the woods all on me right so you're on the 15th tee and people absolutely in the house yeah exactly so but that was but then the other things when you get it done then you can be as smug as you yeah fucking wrote a book it's like oh where's your book oh you didn't do one yeah i'll put mine right by yours so this is the perfect length too it's like just up under 300 pages there's meat to it this is like we're giving you your summer reading there's a compliment from mark maron this is maybe and it's

i know it's small on the front, but maybe the only nice thing he's ever said about anybody ever. So, I mean, just enjoy the fact. If you got Mark Maron to compliment it, that's phenomenal. Genuine and nice compliment. I cannot wait to read this. It Never Ends. That's the name of the book. And everybody, this is your last to close the summer out.

You're getting this. This is it. This beach reading. I love it this is like hey i finished that other book that i had this summer and now what do i do because i still did you did you love your editor like who edited this thing yeah i i had a couple people helping me like proof it and right give feedback and stuff but that was um that was just yeah it was it was a great experience but it is very hard to do. Yes.

Oh my God. Tremendous accomplishment. I love it. And you're out here, you're in LA, you're building, is it completed, the Best Show studio?

Yeah. It's a part of, I'm doing a thing with Forever Dog. They have a studio, and I'm joining in on them. Nice. Yeah, and I have an office there.

It's great. And it's really coming together. Yeah, it's really an amazing place. I love it. It's huge. And so people, and still doing the Patreon for that as well. Nice. Yeah, and I have an office there. It's great. It's really coming together. Yeah, it's really an amazing place. I love it. And so people and still do the Patreon for that as well? Yeah. Great. Just keeping it lean and mean. Lean and mean! I'll take lean and mean. So that's the way to get

the show is to go through. I just do it at thebestshow.net. It's free all the time and just there, but people can join the Patreon. It's free all the time and just there. But people can join the Patreon. Get extra stuff. And get extra. Exactly.

We do bonus content and we send stickers and pins and all sorts of crap to people. I love it. All right, Daniel, should we do another story? Let's do it. This is sent in by Carleen McDermott at SheBeCarleen. Regular contributor. This comes from the UK. Pub landlord posts job advert that upsets many.

A pub landlord has... I know. A job advertisement that upsets... They can't be the people who go to this pub who are mad. No, it's people that they wanted to potentially hire. A pub landlord has posted a controversial job advert in which he bans applicants with dodgy toes, body odor, and bad teeth. Nothing wrong with that?

You're saying what I can't live with. Craig Harker. You're being honest. Craig Harker asked for applicants to apply as chefs, kitchen porters, and front of house staff at his chain of George Pub and Grill venues in Teesside. How many kitchen staff working in the kitchen are showing their toes? Yeah. You shouldn't be able to show your feet in the kitchen.

Never. Any restaurant at all. Nothing's open-toed in a restaurant. Right, right. The chef's coming in and he's wearing flip-flops. You're just like, no. Then he's not coming into work tonight. I don't want him to eat if somebody's grilling.

If I could see their toes. We did a story once about a nudist colony and they would cook your food in the nude. And remember that woman liked it. She was like, this is the best way. She's like, the grease adds an exciting element to cooking. No.

In a Facebook post last Thursday, he listed a range of stipulations to potential applicants, including guidelines for their personal hygiene. So he said the quiet part out loud is what he said. He was like, this is what I would have done after you walked out of here, but this is how I'm going to react. I'll just be upfront about it. He said he's usually inundated with poorly thought out applications, so he put together an unusual list of requirements.

Harker said he didn't want people working for him who stay home all day and play the latest FIFA football video game. Well, what does he care what they do on their time off? How do you know what they do? Yeah. Who gives a shit? Right? Just come in and when you're on my clock, as long as you do your job, then I can't care

what you do. Go through their Netflix stream next. If I hit surprise me, what comes up? His post advertised positions at his pubs in Middlesbrough, Stockton, and Ricard. If you're making fun of me, it's because I haven't been there. He wrote,

I'm all for giving anyone a chance, whether they be experienced or not. But the priority has to be smart, presentable, clean, tidy, and have a good work ethic. By the way, I'm all for giving everyone a chance. It's the first half of a now racist day ever. Yes, exactly. But no Indian people. The word what is coming and the word no is also coming when you say, I'm all for giving everybody a chance.

Right. But no Jews. Don't apply just because. The amount of people I've interviewed over the years that generally don't want to be there is absolute madness. Does he not understand how most employees feel? Especially if you're working in the restaurant industry, it's usually just because you need a job. Yeah.

No one is like, this is not a startup for a brand new health care thing. People shouldn't be wearing many hats. Okay. This person, also, when you're putting out job applications or you have a job opening, all you need is one person who's going to be right for it. You have to go through 10 or 12 people who suck, and then maybe have three people that are right for it. Right.

He's saying what I was saying, is he's saying all the reasons he would not have. He doesn't want to do the work of weeding through the crappy options. And where is this, again? In England. So this is a pub in England. So it's like, there are people serving, what, pickled eggs? Right. In this jar?

Right. This place sucks to begin with. Right. What do you need? And now you're going to be picky about this guy's teeth? Yeah. It's England. This is what he wrote.

He continued. By the way, how many people in England have said, I don't like this pub because of the teeth, the feet of the front of house girl? Right. Yeah. I'm not sure how much higher ground you have to complain about teeth in England. That's right. He continued.

This is what he wrote. Those that attend with that fruity BO odor, just pick one. He wrote BO odor is a no-go. It's an ATM machine. Right. Away. Give your pits a wash before you come down for an interview. A quick whiff and spray those bad boys.

First impressions count. That includes brushing those tusks, too. The key part for any interview is first impressions. Don't have mine as this person clearly needs a wash and have me turn in my head because of the naughty breath that stings my cheeks. Mucky teeth is a big no-no for me. Give us a big smile, eh? That creeps me out. Give us a big smile, eh? That creeps me out. Give us a big smile, eh? Is what every child molester says before they're left.

That's what a dude says to a woman standing on the corner. Like, shut up. It's a whole scene in Black Phone. It's like from Fame when he's taking the pictures of, when it's just telling her, come on, you want to be famous. Give us a smile. Show us a little skin. Especially when those front of house greeting our customers

as they walk through the doors. He also asked applicants not to turn up to the interview, quote, after a session or a big night and stinking of that last can of lager you had at 5 a.m. So nobody from Chumbawamba. Nobody. Parker also wrote, if an interview, get them dodgy looking toes covered up. There's no one with a foot fetish here, so keep them piggies covered. These little piggies stayed at home.

Who's mad at this, by the way? This guy's just almost giving you a guide on how to interview properly at his place. If you didn't say England, it sounds like this is something like Larry the Cable Guy would be saying. Get them toes covered up. Get them covered. That's where this is from. We're doing a foot fetish here, so keep them piggies covered. Get them covered. Get them toes covered up. That's where this is from. We're doing a foot finish here to keep them piggies covered. Get them covered.

These little piggies stayed at home. Get them covered is like could be the new getter done. That is. Get them covered. Or someone who covers Larry the Cable Guy's bits. Get them covered. Get them covered. Is the comedian.

Is Tom Sharpling's Larry the Cable Guy. Tom Sharpling does Larry the Cable Guy. Get them covered. I found my million on my ticket. You can do it now. I have my lottery ticket. He added that he didn't want constant gamers to apply. We want lively, bubbly, and friendly people for front of house,

not people sat at home all day on the latest FIFA and not leaving the house for days on end. You're being too choosy. This is amazing. If I were his friend, and I'm assuming he doesn't listen to any of his friends. This is a guy who does not listen to anyone. I would say, dude, you're being too choosy. Yeah, just dial it back.

Then he goes, I don't care if you've led a team on Call of Duty or Dungeons & Dragons. This is in the job description. What real work experience do you have? And I would say, if you've played enough Call of Duty and you've led the team, you've got some good interpersonal skills. You understand the task. What is the objective? How do we get this done? How do I get everybody home?

You can learn something. Dan, you're right. And you are probably working with other people. Also, Dungeons & Dragons. What more social environment while making people go along with the rules while being entertaining and keeping everyone on task? That's what a bar is. That's also great. And he's probably just like, if you do play Dungeons & Dragons, don't be an elf.

I don't want any elf. Chaotic good. He's so specific, yeah. I'll accept chaotic good, not chaotic neutral. You can also not be a rogue giant. You have to pick giant or pick rogue, but I'm not having people that cross roles. But isn't that what people are in a bar anyway? They're rolling the dice and they're pretending

to be something they're not. That's what people in a bar are every night. So he, this is Justin, it almost makes you want to have somebody go in and be the perfect candidate just to make him so excited. And then just

pull his shoes off and show their weird toes. I'm so excited And then just like Pull this Shoes off And show their weird toes Bad teeth Raise their arm And there's body odor What's the song It said

Long hair Does need not apply So I tucked my hair up And I went in To ask him why Yeah exactly You mean the song The Tesla

The five man Acoustical jam covered Yeah Those were the days Those were our days. I was like, what are you guys singing about? Yeah, what's Tesla mad at? Who are they?

Maybe they could be mad now that a car took the name of their band and made it cool. Harker said that he is happy to employ vegans as long as they don't mind serving, quote, big juicy slabs of meat. Harker caused controversy before, believe it or not. This guy wants to push a culture war so badly. He wants to have an argument with someone that hasn't walked in the door yet.

He wants to push everyone's buttons. Just imagine what this ab looked like, though. It's like a screed. Help wanted. Here's the details of the Magna Carta. It's a Unabomber. It's a manifesto more than a... By the way, it's longer than...

It's two pages longer than It Never Ends. He knows what it's like. I'll say, this pub owner knows what it's like to write a book because he did write one. He went to bed every night being like, write 20,000 more. Help Wanted. It's the name of his book. It Never Ends. He went to bed every night being like, right, right. 3,000 more help wanted. It's the name of his book. It never ends. He caused controversy in 2019 when he posted a Facebook advertisement asking customers,

would you punch your ex in the face for a steak? We'll get out of here on this. How old is Chris Parker? Hey, Chris Harker. The guy who owns these pubs and told everybody what not to do when coming to get a job with him. Let's do some detective work. What do you think, Tom? He has the knowledge of video games.

Okay, sure. So that says something. He knows what Call of Duty is. So he can't be too old is what you're saying. Can't be too old. But he also compared Call of Duty and Dungeons and Dragons. But that's the other thing. So I'd say this guy is 56.

Okay, that's good. That's so right in the wheelhouse of what I was going to say. I want to make him slightly younger. I'm going to say 48. Okay. I'm going to go right in between you and say 52, because I think he's in that, he's got to be in the realm where he watched Stranger Things and understood what the whole

Eddie Munson thing. Yeah, he understands what Hellfire is. Chris Harker, we'll end story two here, is 35 years old. What? Oh, my God. Writes and sounds like an 80-year-old. What a stick in the mud. He's literally the definition of a stick in the mud.

Sure. One of those people waiting to get old. Right. I'm an old man. Someday I'll be an old man. I'm an old man at 35 years old. Someday your body will fit your dumb attitude. There you go.

Chris Hart. That's story number two. Give us a little taste, Dan, of what we're going to hear in segment three. Oh, we have a drunk guy trying to hide from the cops. I love it. Drunk guy trying to hide from the cops is always, he always thinks he's in a better spot and a better hiding place than everyone else, right? He's got it figured out. He thinks he can hide in the open.

And for our Patreon fans, we're going to talk to Tom about a dumb thing that he has done or has witnessed. I'm sure he's witnessed a lot. Again, he just wrote a book. He never answers stupid stuff in that book. All of that on the other side of this break. It's Dumb People Town with Tom Sharpling,

the great Tom Sharpling, right after this. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. All right, Daniel, take us home. Here we go. Sent in by Katie at Reba's McIntyre or Reba S. McIntyre. I like Reba's McIntyre. Yeah, it sounds like Ruth's Chris.

I knew that was coming. It's M-A-C-K. Are you on board with that being the worst name for a steakhouse ever? It's the most perplexing thing that I've never heard properly explained. Does Chris belong? I said it with the Doug Benson episode. It should be called Chris's Steakhouse Presented by Ruth. Right.

Ruth's Owned Chris. I don't know. I can't do it. She spells it Reba, common, S-M-A-C-K-N-T-I-R-E. So Reba's McIntyre. Or it's like mac and cheese. I was like, this is the first time Katie's ever said anything, and thanks, Katie. Reba's McIntyre is a Reba McIntyre-themed place where you can get your tires rotated,

and while you wait, they serve you mac and cheese. And I would go there every time. Little tire-shaped pastas. Instead of the half thing. I'm ready. I'm in tire. And I would go there every time. Little tire-shaped pastas. Little tire-shaped. Instead of the half thing. I'm ready. I'm in on that. I'm so in on that.

You sit around anyway at the fucking tire place. I'm sorry for the side. I just have to ask. I have friends. They didn't even fix the motion capture on the screen. Like eight people who are upset. Everybody's always upset. No one's happy at a tire shop.

Nobody at a tire place is psyched. No one feels like they got off $600 also like whenever you go to the tire place and they like I am convinced that the coin trick well I think they're right you shouldn't be driving around on ball tires

but like they'll come and look at another one and be like we did the coin trick and you need to replace all of them I don't need to replace all of them. They're like, no, you need to replace all of them. And then you're like, well, am I going to listen to them or am I going to just play? And then they go, you got kids?

And then you're like, fuck. Fuck. Guess you don't care. Yeah, I just dropped mine off at a- No, no, no, you do what you want to do, man. It's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do you. If you don't care.

The thing I was going to ask, it's a side, I'm sorry. It's okay because it's a short story. Have you guys watched on the History Channel the foods that made America? No. And it's just a documentary history style of like the biggest brands. Hamburgers, ice cream. No, no, no. Kraft macaroni and cheese, Miracle Whip, Taco Bell, Arby's.

It's so interesting. They were doing the one about how Kraft created their mac and cheese. They had all this dehydrated cheese from World War I that nobody wanted. And they ended up using that. It's really interesting. I love it. Okay. This story comes from Belfast, Maine.

Intoxicated man causes disturbances attempting to hide from police. Katie sent it in. This was sent to me so many times. When you're hiding, you don't want to be creating disturbances. No. The process of hiding should be a quiet one. Police in Maine did not have to use top-of-the-line detective skills to find a suspect who was attempting to hide from them at a local inn. The Belfast Police Department said officers were called to the Admiral Ocean Inn late Sunday night for the report of an intoxicated man causing a disturbance.

The Admiral Ocean Inn has not been updated since 1927. The Admiral, I'm going to look it up. Carpeting everywhere. I'm going to look it up. I'll look it up. On the walls. Reviews. I'm already on it.

Admiral Ocean Inn. Boom. Look it up. Admiral's Ocean Inn, so they got it wrong, in Belfast, Maine. How many stars? 101 reviews. What do you think their star rating is on 101 reviews? 3.5.

Okay. 4.1. 4 101 reviews? 3.5. Okay. 4.1. 4.25. 3.1. Well done, Tom Sharma. Wow. I just think there's a lot of wet carpet. I mean, it's just a lot of drapes and old.

It does look sea wet. It all looks like open window sea wet. Did you say a lot of drapes? They're ready to move you when you're just like, this room smells like mildew in here. We thought you were going to say mildew. We don't know what you're talking about.

You're so Tom. They're handing you the keys. We'll move you. They're probably like, you's your urine room 116, and here's a key to room 203, which you will most likely be moving. Don't unpack until you've smelled it. I had a room in a hotel in Lafayette once, Lafayette, Louisiana,

and the lock didn't work on the hotel, like on my room door. You could just open it. So I go down and I go, hey, the lock doesn't work, so I need another one. They're like, oh, we'll fix it. And I go, yeah, but all my stuff, I have to go to a show. I can move it right now. And they're like, no, no, leave it in there,

and we'll get the lock fixed. And I go, I don't. But the problem is you were already running a hotel where you didn't fix the lock. And there's no way I'm today. It was day zero of this. Yeah. And then they go, no, no, no.

I go, well, okay, then I need to. Yeah, I know. A lot of flower dead spreads. I said, well, then I guess I need to move all the stuff into my car in the parking lot. Yeah. And they go, no, no, no. We just won't let anybody go in there. And then I'm like.

How? Unbelievable. So you don't have the staff to fix this. No. Or right now. Or move you to another room. Someone's going to make sure no one goes in there. I was like, you know what?

Whole new hotel. And it's like separate. For the listener, Randy is still invested in the photos of the Admiral's Ocean Inn. I'm imagining at that hotel. Also, Admiral's Ocean Inn means he owns the ocean. It's Ruth's Chris's Steakhouse. No, but Dan, I'm imagining at that hotel where you, Admiral's Ocean Inn means he owns the ocean. It's Ruth's Chris's Steakhouse. No, but Dan, I'm imagining at that hotel where you were begging for them to change rooms. I'm imagining Patricia Arquette from Severance is in another room watching it on TV just going,

don't change the room. Don't change it. Don't do it. Okay. When they arrived, they met up with Philip DeLude. Seriously deluded. Yeah, and removed him from the property. They told him he would be arrested if he came back.

Now, the reason this got sent to me is I'm going to show you the photo. This is him hiding at the hotel. Can't they claim that he's the ghost of the Admiral? Describe it. It's outside one of the rooms. Yeah. And it looks like some sort of chair. Yeah.

Right. That clearly a human is underneath an old-fashioned ghost costume that you would do. It's the laziest ghost around the house. Dude, this adds charm to the hotel. Yeah. Hey, buddy, you under there? No. No. No? You're not the guy we Yeah. Hey, buddy, you under there? No. No.

No? You're not the guy we got called about? I'm not even here right now. I just am. What guy? I died here. I'm the admiral. I'm a ghost.

I'm a future ghost. I'm the admiral. Yeah, exactly. The original. All right, that's it. Oh, my God. I can't wait for everybody to go to our social media so you can see. This got sent to me so many times.

This was his best attempt. Also, if you're drunk and hiding under a sheet, sitting in a chair, outside of the establishment where the cops are coming. It's not your room either. It's someone else's room. But you're also at that drunk level where you keep telling people to be quiet. Where you're like, shh. Yeah.

Shh. I'm doing something. Yeah. Sir? Shh. That thing when you think you're moving. Yes. Everything, like you're getting away with your movements.

You're being so silent, stealthy. Or you're so drunk, you can't hear well. You don't hear how loud you're being. There's alcohol that has filled your ears. The alcohol that's got nowhere to go, but it's in your ear. You don't hear how loud you're being. You can't tell. He's coughing under that sheet.

That's a show, friends. That's wonderful. Tom Sharpling's book. I'm going to say it again. I'm going to show it up here. It never ends. Pick it up. It's your summer reading because you're going to get through it,

and you're going to say thank you. I can't wait to read this. Same, same. We'll come on and do the best show if that's possible. Please, I would love it. Let's do it next month. Let's do it next month to promote our UFC show. Again, if you go to the UFC,

the YouTube page for UFC's YouTube page, you can see the first episode of the Nosebleeds. It's UFC 1 from 1993. It is so much fun. For some reason, Jim Brown is one of the announcers.

Jim Brown is one of the announcers. It is hilarious. So check that out. DanielVanKirk.com. Go check out all his stuff. And oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Hunger Down is Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio, a podcast network.