Dumb People Town - Tom Segura - A Plaque That Reads “Unjustice”

Episode Date: June 20, 2017

This week, Tom Segura drives his truck down to Dumb People Town while half-naked. The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk discuss Tom’s new album “Mostly Stories,” including Tom’s “Scared Straight” bit and its real-life repercussions. In Story #1, a burglar att...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunger down, it's Dumb People Town. Alright, hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. What a population, you. We are so glad you're here with us.

Very glad. Daniel Van Kirk, how are you, sir? I'm good. How about yourself? Randy, how are you? I'm doing great. I feel like we've come with a sense of purpose. And I'll say this, as we talk about this show, I really do believe that our world is getting dumber.

And the only way to combat that is through comedy, exploring it, trying to understand it. And we don't do that just the three of us. We bring along a comedy superstar, a sniper in the box, as it were. And we got someone today that Jay and I have been friends with for a long time and have loved. And I've said this to multiple people, and I've said it to him, too. He helped change a little bit the course of our comedy,

which was he said to us once, man, you've got to spend time focusing on your setups. You can probably cut all your setups down in half when you're doing stand he was the setup master that was at bowling in louisville you're right man and this is tom segura welcome hey buddy thanks for having me how are those setups going are they better great they're better but no but i'm telling you i was listening to the setups on your new album which is uh mostly stories it's something i i still focus on it's so good I remind myself of that too in my brain I was like oh there's a setup there's a so

good what he's saying right here and again your stories are so great but what you do is you say here is the deal yeah this is what this is the concept that we're now gonna jump into and now I'm gonna tell you about two times when I was in a movie theater and someone brought a baby don't you don't you feel like that was that was so it was san jose by the way that was you i clearly on the road clearly killing time yeah you're at the san jose improv or wherever you were and you're like i'm gonna go see a movie two times and i didn't i left out that uh that this lady came out with her baby and had a the one of the people that worked at the theater she goes I don't care who he is I realized that someone in the theater had

been like this Thompson because she goes I don't care who he is that's great you don't talk to me like that your baby's fuck and it was baby to a movie don't you feel like when you watch set like a local set sometimes you're like that's really funny some comic up there you're like but the problem is they don't know what he's joking like he's not making clear what he's joking about right you need to make it more clear what you're actually like two minutes to do to set up what you could have done in like 12 seconds yes you are so good at economically just being like this is it no dude you are so good at it it is great i it. It is great. I mean, the bit that you almost drove off the road

for the new album was the Scared Straight story, the Scared Straight bit, the fact that you're obsessed with that show. Your favorite episode was the one in the 90s that only aired once and it was uncensored. Yeah, that was so crazy. And you're saying that it exists, though, in little bits and bytes.

It does. You can order it and pay $170 for it. What? Yeah. Wow. It's one of those things where Discovery USA LLC owns the rights to or something. You're like leasing the rights for an hour?

You do a really good job of explaining what Scared Straight is to people who don't know. By the way, for people that listen, the album is basically the audio of my last. Yeah. And by the way, for people that listen, the album is basically, it's the audio of my last Netflix special. That's what it is. Right. So some people have seen it there and they,

Netflix holds your audio rights for a year and you're like, now you can, so I, it was phenomenal. But the, the fucking show was, I remember watching it and being like, this is insane.

This is on television. this is on television this is not tell and they people are like yes care straight's great and they're talking about like the a and e show you're like no no that is does not even come close because it's sixth graders or young middle school kids i don't even talk about like there's just there's a guy who like he gets on his knees to talk to a kid and he's like why are you here little boy and the kids like and he's like and then he tells him he's gonna mush his fucking face and the guy's so big like so jacked well no how about the guy he said to put his hand in his pocket hold my pocket yeah oh i've seen that yeah my pocket hold my pocket he's like to make you round and suck my dick. It's fucking bananas, man.

That's too much. What was Discovery thinking? And then, oh, and on the whole. I think we got it. I'm scared straight. You know on the bikes, the bikes line? Bikes. So that's a word for word recap of it.

That's exactly the exchange, right? Why are you here stealing? What the fuck you took? Bikes. Bikes. Bikes! And the guy yells at him. And then he's like, doesn't your dad have a good job? And the kid's like, yeah. He's like, yeah. And you're out here stealing,

disrespecting your father. And the kid's like, yeah. He's like, but you know something? If your dad came here right now, he would stomp a mud hole in his chest. And we're like, holy shit. These kids are like 12. And they are fucking terrified and he like he makes them all take their shoes off yeah their shoes off and their shoelace give your shoes throw your shoes and then there's one kid who's like who's a fat kid and the whole time he's like get this big fat motherfucker over here so he always calls him a big fat piece of shit god god damn stop it's like

it's relentless it was relentless it's uncomfortable it is also like it reminds me a lot of like do you remember robin harris no the comedian baby's kids oh yeah yeah yes yes his whole thing like on stand up would he be like look look look this guy right here and then like everybody would look at that guy and then he would just be like bald head, shiny head, bald head motherfucker. He would just talk like that about everybody. It was like Lisa Lampanelli pre-Lampanelli. This guy is the felony murder version of Robin Harris.

Actually just teeing everybody up. And he's the guy. But I mean, just your description of that, and then just how it then relates to your life. Yeah. Whenever you drive by a bike store. I scream bikes. You scream bikes. I really did for a while.

But what I love is that you come up on a bike store and you start to get it in your bones. And your wife is like, all right, fine. Just go ahead. Yeah. And she is still like, I hate when you yell so much. And she's a comic. She gets it. She knows the bit.

She knows what it means. She knows the impulse. She also knows that I'm in a good mood. She's like, whenever you scream like a black guy, I know you're in a good mood. Yeah, that's right. Bye! Yeah. I wish somebody would do a follow-up on those kids.

They actually, I think they did one where, this is actually insane. I was in Charlotte doing a show probably six months ago, and a lady in the front row was like waving her hand, and I'm like, could you stop? People are like. Yeah, what's going on? Yeah, and they're like, I wanted to tell you something. You're like, I'm in the middle of a fucking show. Oh, dude, the comedy zone? Yes. Yes. And I'm like, what are you stop? People are like, what's going on? And they're like, I wanted to tell you something. You're like, I'm in the middle of a fucking show.

The comedy zone? Yes. And I'm like, what are you doing? My call. And she goes, oh, the bikes kid. And I'm like,

what? She goes, the bikes kid. What about him? She goes, I dated him at that time. What?

And I go, no. And she goes, yeah, do you want to see a picture of him now and i go yeah during your show during the show get up here come on get up here oh i was like you know what we're stopping now anybody else interrupting fuck you this lady she's part of the show she's got photographic evidence she's got merch at the end of the show. She sends, she goes, I was his boyfriend at the time. Wow. And so, because, you know, he was like 12, 13. And now.

She didn't like him anymore because he got scared straight. I go, what? She goes, it was super traumatizing to him. To be on that show. I can only imagine. He was so embarrassed. Sure. It was all.

It was just the worst. She hands me her phone. He's like making this super angry face. He has sleeveless t-shirt on. He's all tatted up. I'm like, he looks like he fits the part. He looks rough now. Yeah.

And she goes, he is literally going back to jail right this week. So he's been in and out of jail. So it worked. it worked it worked basically worked really well and uh he got scared straight into jail straight into jail so everything has a happy ending and then she she posted on my facebook uh page picture of him well not only a picture of him where the the where you could write him uh like a letter oh and i go so sweet he's gonna get a fucking ton of letters from my people. Yeah, that all say bikes, bikes, bikes.

And he's like, the fuck is that? I know. Pictures of bikes. Because you have an active fan base. Yeah, yeah. He's going to get them the day he says to his cellmate, you know what? I think I'm going to turn a new leaf.

I can put the past behind me. I'm ready for a new start. He's going to get a million dollars. Let's go bikes. Bikes. Yeah. Hilarious for a new start. He's going to get a million dollars. Bikes! Bikes! Hilarious. Maybe a guy like that will appear in one of our stories that we have sent to us.

We'll jump in and we'll talk more about it. It's dumb behavior and that's what we focus on. It is so much. Thanks to everybody on the Facebook page. The Facebook page is growing. We've set up a Dumb People Town Facebook page in the last couple weeks. It's just skyrocketing. We'll put every story we do up there. We put other stories.

I put the picture of when I won a meat raffle in Wisconsin. I got three bags of walleye. It was a wonderful day. Meat raffle, he takes fish. That tells you who he is. Well, I had a selection of stuff. He looked at the meat. He looked at the meat.

When you see the meat and you're like, I'll take the fish, that should tell you something Everything was in the back of an Aerostar. That's true. And I went walleye that had been caught that day. Yeah, meat should not marble that way. Marble. No, I agree. I agree.

But someone wrote in on the Facebook page that they wanted to shoot it. Yeah, somebody wrote in saying that they had been to the same meat raffle in Partyville, Wisconsin that I was at with my mom. And then we did a story time with Maria Bamford. We had her on a couple episodes ago. We did a story time with Maria Bamford. We had her on a couple episodes ago. And there were guys selling meat out of trucks in Michigan that were very, very sketchy. She has one.

Clearly looking to scope a house out to take what's in there. We had Amy Amstoltz-Abel. There's a hyphen in there somewhere. This is what she wrote to us on the Facebook page. I want to share this with everybody. Boots on the ground for the meat truck. She's out there. She's in it. Thank you. We got our to us on the Facebook page. I want to share this with everybody. Boots on the ground for the meat truck. She's out there. She's in it.

Thank you. We got our townies on the ground. I live in mid Michigan out in the country and the truck, the one we talked about, has stopped at our house. It's a beat up white Toyota with a giant cooler on the back. The guy is short, 50-ish, dirty sweatshirt, and hasn't shaved in about three days. Essentially, he's like a theme park cartoonist dream. That's right. Right? Yes. A caricature,

if you will. Yeah. Yes. He comes to the door with, I think Randy called this, a laminated brochure and has a hustle. When I answered the door, he was pushy and wanted to come in and talk about the selection. When my husband, who is 6'1", 240 pounds, came up behind me,

he jumped off the porch and tore down towards town. That's never a good thing. He just ran away. He just showed up. The husband just shows up and the guy just runs. You know what? We're good. Yeah.

Out. They come around every couple of years and they look the same every time, like serial killers. Then this is the best thing she follows it up with. My schwan man's name is John and he stops by on Thursday nights between 5 and 6. If my 17-year-old answers the door, it's breakfast pizzas and Moose Tracks ice cream. I'm the one who orders the vegetable and fish. Love the show and all of you at Dumb People Town.

You make being a male person easier when you're in my ears. Thanks, Amy. She's a male person. She's not a male gender person No but a male hair I got you I love it Thank you Amy Most of Kesher

We had a story of a guy Shitting on the side of the road Somebody said They're gonna go there And find where that guy did that God bless it It didn't just shit He shit

Then he picked it up And started throwing it Throwing it into the woods Like a primate That's a whole other level Whole other level And then other people Tried to go

They went in the woods To look for something else And found it You can't leave out that detail No no no You cannot Do we have stories We do What if I was like Nope that's all people tried to go they went in the woods to look for something else and found it you can't leave out that detail no no no you can't there was stories we do all right what if I was like nope that's all right

thanks Tom really appreciate you that was great this was sent in by Paloma Bennett at Buffy fan 1992 new new submitter yeah yes a San Francisco man accused of burglarizing an apartment last May had an interesting defense when earlier this week his attorneys argued that the suspect was actually attempting to board a spaceship he thought was on the building's roof and therefore was not responsible for his actions.

I feel like you have to be with your attorney going over every scenario and you just go like, what about the spaceship? Spaceship? Are we going to do spaceship? I think it's time. Randy brought in his southern attorney who's like, nah. Nah. Yo, Anna. My name is Deluxe Bluestone and you

will address me as such. We're going to do a spaceship defense. Yana. Yana, Yana. Yana. My client is not from this earth. Okay. Where, pray tell, is your client from?

My client is from Tremar. I don't recognize it. It's galaxies away, Yana. Objection, Your Honor. The relevance of where his client from has nothing to do with the fact that he broke into this building. I'll allow it. Why would he be breaking into the building?

I'll allow it. I just want to hear more acclaim on it. This earth is not for him and neither is the judicial system. Sir, you can't be drinking out of a brown paper bag while you're defending him. Your Honor, you know what level of attorney I am. We do. You were court assigned of attorney I am. We do. You were court assigned. If I could, Your Honor, just to back up my lead counsel here.

Can our defendant help where his spaceship is landing? No. Do you decide where your car has been parked when you are being picked up? No. You do not. So our client, therefore, had to go where that spaceship was. It was just on the top of this building. Sir, you're not even sitting at the lawyer's table. I don't know why he's also speaking for your client.

He has the right idea. Everybody here should be on my side. Just these two effeminate southern lawyers in San Francisco. No, just the flabbergasted nature of a guy who feels like his defense is bulletproof. I can hear your character dabbing sweat. I don't understand what we're talking about. By the way, everybody here white. Everybody's white.

I don't understand. And Tom's character thin in the face, but enormous. It's just about 600 pounds. And a colorful tie. The button you just reach out and you push it through like that. Yeah, literally, that was their defense. He argued he did not break into them to steal anything or do anything wrong. He was actually attempting to board a spaceship he thought was on the building's roof.

There has to be video. And that's what he's like, there's no way. Did he take anything? That's the question. Did he take anything? Public defender, a.k.a. the name of Tom's character, Jeff Adachi. Jeff Adachi. My name is Adachi.

Adachi is Adache. Can Adachi speak? Adache, please. He told the court. There's an accent on the E. And there is a tilde just roaming around. He told the court that Santonio Aviles was suffering from a meth-induced psychosis, no shit,

and believed the end of the world was nigh. By the way, that's PS, it is. It kind of is. I mean,

it's a meth or no meth. We're like three steps away from that being real. Right. You know what I mean? Like, all he has to do is read a little bit of news

and a couple of websites and be like, it's over. from a lot of us on rooftops looking for someone to come rain. Hey, I'm just glad we're getting out of that Paris climate deal, man. Oh, thank God. That was a rough deal on everybody, right?

Talk about being railroaded into something. Aviles somehow convinced a resident of the building to let him into the complex. Now, we talk about usually the dumb people in our dumb people town happen to be the crime committers. No there's the enablers yeah was who was convinced by a guy on meth to be let into the building that might be the dumbest person in the spaceship was this was what he was saying i need to get up on the roof what is that the witness is like he says spaceship on top of the roof so i just yeah, come on in.

I was like, who might argue that? He said to go home. Yeah. He's got to go up top and go home. Once inside the building, Santonio climbed onto the fire escape and found an open window that he used to enter an apartment and take a short nap. All right. Okay. He's not in that much of a hurry.

Before you go out into space, you've got to take a nap. You need a lot of naps. Before you go up into the grave. That's just the astronaut 101. Absolutely. You've got to be rested. When Santonio awoke, he threw an inflatable exercise ball onto the fire escape, figuring he could use it as transportation

into the next galaxy. So far, it's all adding up by the way this makes 100 everything makes perfect sense he also stole a backpack from the apartment and loaded it with a passport and earthquake kit by the way if your passport is that is it his passport no it's someone else's passport yeah but he figured if your passport is that readily available that someone can just walk in and grab it, then it's in the wrong place. That's crazy. Yeah, that's crazy.

I blame the person whose passport was just, what, lying around? But I also am like, wait, there's a spaceship on the roof, but he's concerned that someone, he might get all the way out into space, go checkpoint, and someone won't let him in. He'll have to come back. Do you ever do little fun things like board with each other's tickets and IDs? We haven't done that. Just like as a little gag? We totally should.

Yeah, just like- Do you know the story about one time- Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were in Minneapolis. Or we were, sorry. We were in Minneapolis and then we were heading up. We did a show on Friday at a theater and then we were heading up to Toronto to do shows. To do the comedy bar.

Yeah, yeah. I love that place. So heading up there to do the comedy bar. We had three shows in that night that we were going to, two shows that night we were going to do the comedy bar. I love that place. Heading up there to do the comedy bar. We had three shows that night. Two shows that night we were going to do. The morning of, we go to the airport. Saturday. I go through the security find.

Randy, the guy is like, anytime a guy is typing for way too long. He was typing way too long at the desk. I was like, why are you typing so much? I'm starting to breathe, get a little worried. He's like, your passport has been expired. And I was like, I looked at the date wrong. I thought

that the... I didn't realize that the month was the year and he messed it up. Okay? So you did fuck up though. Yeah, he totally fucked up. And I was like, oh, great. What are we going to do? The guy's like, there's no way you're getting into that country, nor are you getting out of this country, nor are you going to get out of that country if I let you into that country. He's like, oh, great. What are we going to do? The guy's like, there's no way you're getting into that country, nor are you getting out of this country, nor are you going to get out of that country if I let you into that country.

He's like, you're done. So Randy goes back to this little hotel, which isn't even like – It wasn't a Days Inn. It was just called a Days. They couldn't even afford the inn. No, they were like, we don't want to run into – we're not that good. We're not a Days Inn good.

Days Hotel? Just a Days Hotel. By the way, the only time you're really spending time in a hotel is at night. Right. So they've even gotten that wrong. It should just be called the nights. So we go the nights in. Remember that place?

Yeah. We stayed at? K-N-I-G-H-E. Yeah. That's a horrible motel. So Randy and I, so Randy stays. I fly to Toronto, hanging out. On the plane, I'm like, I'm just going to, I guess, go to these people and just start

apologizing. Getting their money back. Yeah. And offering their money back, I'm just going to, I guess, go to these people and just start apologizing. Getting their money back. And offering their money back, doing a Q&A, try to do some comedy. Maybe I'll let some local people go, and I'll give back all the money we were supposed to make on this gig. By the time I get there, Randy had already talked to the place. He's like, I have a solution. They pull down a screen.

Randy Skypes in from the hotel. No. Which, by the way, spotty Wi-fi at best yeah days at days dial up i mean who days they got a little days dial up ethernet so i and i'm earth link right and i'm on stage and he's in a like a three second delay coming in on the screen and we our whole act which is built upon timing timing is now completely thrown off and he's trying to guesstimate when to jump in. I'm in a hotel room, looking at my computer on a small desk at a daze.

Like a sniper judging the wind. Meanwhile, you're being projected on the screen, so what you're seeing isn't the audience. It's not like the computer is facing the audience. It's a giant screen. So he can't even hear what's going on. But are they loving this whole dynamic? They're loving it and

it's like not one person walked out nobody has their money back we did 45 minutes i did 45 minutes like that yeah like that hotel room and like there would be times we we kept bringing up other people in between like we were doing sets and then i was auditioning new people to replace randy because that's funny in our act so basically i would say do one of your jokes and i'll just sclaw brother it up and i'll try to add some tags to whatever joke you do we'll see if we can be a new team because fuck randy for forgetting and it really was a truly transcendent kind of cool experience then we brought randy out on the computer and people could put on headsets and talk to him in the merch line and it was really great it turned out to be great.

But that was a moment where the passport nearly screwed up. What you're saying is this breaking and entering alien named Santonio is being more prepared. I'm sure his passport was up to date. So here's a guy who believes he's being picked up by an alien ship on a roof. His shit's up to date. Me, a respectable comedian person who's on the road not up i can't believe though that he i thought that without a doubt it was like let's throw the crazy spaceship thing as a defense it literally is actually the real defense this is real he really was going there i love that he took an earthquake kit yeah he's leaving earth yes earth is in the title of

the thing that's where you need it i know he's like uh-uh no who knows where we're going we where we're going maybe there will be he knows where he's going he knows how shaky it is up there man shaky ground the passport yeah i know the only injustice is this is this santonio can't go home objection i'll allow it. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. Objection. Unjustice is not a word. It is injustice. The only injustice is that you're not allowing injustice. Semantics, yeah. Sustained.

The passport, believe it or not, guys, since he wasn't even in his own building, let alone apartment, is not Santonio of Isles. It's a woman. It belonged to a woman. Yes. Jason Sklar for the win who like him had long dark hair so he was like this will work which means he might have looked at two passports right like if your name is santonio and you have long dark hair you're going two places on meth or you're working at the guitar center so i don't know really what options he had he's

going to space or he's trying to sell you a base. Santonio testified that he believed the passport would ensure his seat on the spaceship, according to a release by the San Francisco Public Defender's Office. I just love that there are rules in his mind that he's like, I better follow this. This is space for Christ's sake. For sure. Very rigid up there. At some point, while Santonio was getting ready to leave Earth forever,

the apartment resident and his girlfriend woke up to see the strange man in their home. The resident tackled Santonio and began punching him while the woman hit the suspect with a baseball bat. We've got to pull fiction now. The spider has caught himself a fly. Here's the thing. After he leaves, battered and torn, who yells at whom

for leaving the window open? Like, is it the guy or the woman yelling at the guy? You left that open. I told you not to leave it open. You left your passport out. He yelled at her. He yelled at her.

He yelled at her. He yelled at her because he was like, let's keep the fucking window closed, get the AC pumping in here. She's like, I like natural air. And he's like, just make sure you fucking window closed, get the AC pumping in here. She's like, I like natural air. He's like, just make sure you close that fucking thing

before we go to bed because you never know what's going to jump in. This is the kind of shit that happens. You're right. That's why she came in so hot with the baseball bat. She was trying to overcompensate. She knew she had to make up for it. I did it, honey. I did it. Oh, you did what? You did what?

By the way, what a keeper for a woman to grab a baseball bat and start slugging it. Pete Rose in his ass. No. God damn. Getting mad hits. Wow. Yeah. What's insane, though, is the feeling of seeing an intruder in your space.

It's got to be terrifying. I'll tell you a tiny, this is the tiniest thing. And I was reaching into the pool filter for our pool. Yes, I have a pool and I'm not proud of it. And it's why I'm house poor. And I was like, what's this ball doing in here? I didn't know that we had a ball in the pool filter. I pull it out.

It's a giant rat. Dead. Dead. Heisen. Drowned rat. I have been traumatized by that intruder in my space for about two days. Like terrified to pick up anything in my house. Every sock that's pulled up on the floor is another rat.

I pulled out a rat. Oh my God. And I was so, my kids. Did you chase the kids with it? No, I had to hold it together in front of these little people so they didn't think that it was something terrifying yeah

I was losing my mind over that thing I can't imagine how hard did you wash your hands I washed I scrubbed did you wash a layer of skin did you go to AutoZone

and buy goop promise or just lava how big it's about this big real rat real rat size this big for the podcast

listeners at home it's about this big size 7 inches actually Dan rat size. This big for the podcast listeners at home is about this big. Size seven inches. Actually, Dana was more like this. Two of my penis. All right. Wow. It was enormous, and it was...

Scared the... Scared the bejesus out of me. I can't imagine a person suddenly being in your space. This is not a person. I just love that she knew where the bat was. Yeah. She was ready. The rats scared me.

I would scream like a child. I nearly did. I nearly. I can't believe we held it together. Maybe you'll close that window next time, Jason. Yeah. Close the window on that pool filter. I mean, do you have, I have a bat.

I have a bat. I have a bat. At any point after the rat, you saw the rat, did you say, we need to get rid of the pool? There was a moment where I was going to be like, everyone out. Everyone out. Fill it in. Everyone out. Fill it in.

And we're going to have a great yard. Concrete it. We're draining this thing, man. Yeah. But I was draining the swamp. But I was like, fuck, man. It was one of those moments where I'm like, I got to hold it together. You having to do that is the best part.

That's the funniest part of the scene. A person in your house times that rat by 100. Have you ever seen a banana rat? No. Can you pull one up oh you mean from the like the subway system no or from like brazil cuba cuba so i did i did gitmo i did a show there yeah and that it was fucking really fun they love it the terrorists have like a really good sense of right they totally got everything wait they didn't allow

you to play for the terrorists no no no what if they did and you're like wait a minute do you think my comedy is torture yeah or waterboarding there are two photos here there is a photo of this banana rat being so badass it's crawling through barbed wire so enormous it's supposed to please show for scale this guy hunted one. Oh, God. They look like beavers. Yeah. Okay. Oh, my God. Look at the size. Look at this banana rat. I mean, it's like a dog, right? Yeah, it is like a dog. It is like a dog.

You saw one. Oh. So we go to do, for people who don't know that Gitmo is, they think it's just- Not the best conditions? No, it's fucking, it's a- All inclusive, right? It's a fucking base with 25, 000 uh enlisted troops there and they have a school they have a high school they have a kfc they have subway they have a grocery store like

it's you know it's a whole so we go down there to do shows kids hanging out at the kfc oh they're totally just skateboarding skateboarding around having fun man so these they they go uh oh if you you know you'll see banana rats well what's that they're like, there's an infestation of these. And a guy... Stop. Jesus. Stop it. This guy is giving a banana rat a beer.

That's all. This will go up on the Facebook page. Oh, my God. And by the way... You're saying there's an infestation in Gitmo? Well, there's a guy whose job, whose paid job is to drive around with a.22 and just shoot as many as he can. Yeah. And they can't keep up with it.

He's like, he doesn't even put a pen in this shit. We are at a military base and we don't have enough ammunition. We don't have enough ammunition for the bananas. You've heard about the New York stat, right? At any given time,

every single person in Manhattan is on average seven feet away from a rat. Oh, I believe that. That is... Yeah, I've seen it. I've seen it. If you're going on the subway,

you count them. You can, yeah. You're waiting for the train. Well, we pull up for a gig. We're doing like gigs all over the base, I believe that. I've seen it. You can go on the subway, you count them. We pull up for a gig. We're doing gigs all over the base, right? And we pull into this parking lot at a restaurant. They're like, you're going to do a show here. And as we pull up, we're in the van. The driver, you know, the lights are into the bush. He goes, oh,

there's one right there. And they're vegetarian, right? So they're eating bushes and are they they're vegetarian right so they're it's eating bushes and he goes go take a look at it so the van lights are on it

and it's like four of us get out of the car and we start to get comics closer and closer and as what are you saying Tom no

I kind of go I kind of lean forward as I lean forward one of the comics runs his fingers up my back no no

no I hit a note I've never hit before you went Mariah Carey I went full Mariah Carey but to the point where then they were like did you really just

make that noise and I had to be like nah I was playing I was joking I was joking for you guys yes and and it was no it was

it was a shriek among it was a child like no it was terrifying manriek among... It was terrifying, man. It's terrifying. It's terrifying. Imagine if you wake him up and you thought it was a ball. You thought it was a ball.

You would never think that was a ball. Okay, so large man in your house. Long-haired guy in the house. She's clubbing away. They're both going. They are beating the shit out of this guy. Did they stop in there? Yes.

Santonio suffered a black eye and various bruises, scratches, and scrapes. According to the release, the man who lived in the apartment suffered an injured toe. This is, I always say, every dumb people tell story has one sentence where I'm like, this is why it's in the town. The man who lived in the apartment, this is from his fight with Santonio,

which will tell you everything you need to know about Santonio. The man who lived in the apartment suffered an injured toe and developed a rash from the encounter. Can I just tell you, I never, I'm so impressed at the level of detail in this story. Yeah. Most of these stories would be like a man broke into the house and was arrested. Yeah, I thought he was going on space. Maybe mention the crazy defense.

Maybe. Maybe the defense. Yeah. But the level of detail of the bat, the passport, the rash. The rash. The rash. What rash? Like ringworm?

Like if you get into a fight with someone and you wind up with a rash afterwards, that you are fighting someone who's got issues. You didn't just touch that. You might have fucked that person with that toe. It's an old adage. Dumb people town is in the details. Yes, it is. it's all about the but this is this is the rash and you know that the rash wasn't probably like what a day and a half

incubation period so he was like you might have bit that thing that might be why it's got rabies maybe he thought that was a ticket to get on the spaceship he's like just take this toe take one oh my god you guys i was wrong that the this is the name of his lawyer during the trial public defender it's even better for you tom ready jock wilson oh perfect that's jock wilson argued that santana did did not enter the home to rob or hurt anyone but was suffering a meth induced mental health crisis sure the defense included testimony from an expert witness who explained that symptoms of meth psychosis

include delusions, paranoia, and hallucinations. I ask you guys now, yes or no? Did he get off on this defense? Ooh, good question. Now. Yana. Yana. Closing remarks.

Closing remarks. Closing remarks there, Jacques. Jacques Wilson. Jacques Wilson. You should have listened to the expert, Yana. The expert will tell you that this man can hallucinate. Hallucinate. My name is George Carlson V, and you shall address me as such.

You're an expert on space travel. I'm an expert on hallucinations. Tom, you are a guest. So you have the option to go first or last if you want to see what other people do. Not guilt. You said he got off. He said he got off on his I was trying to get on a spaceship defense. Jason?

No way he got off. Still broke an entrance. Still tried to steal stuff. No way he got off. Yeah, he's definitely to knock it off. Fine. Un way he got off. Still broke and entered. Still tried to steal stuff. No way he got off. Yeah, he's definitely to knock it off. Fine. Uncompassionate. You were defending him. I wish people could see

the facial character. Your eyes are closed every time you talk like this. I can't face this injustice. It's injustice. It's un right now. It's making me come up with words that don't exist. The defense of Santonio

of Isles worked. He was acquitted of robbery. He was acquitted of robbery, attempted robbery, assault with force likely to produce great bodily injury and acquitted of battery with serious bodily injury. If convicted, he could have faced 14 years behind

bars, but Jack Wilson remains victorious. Unock Wilson, everybody. Remains victorious. Unjustice no more. Imagine Jock Wilson. By the way, Unjustice with Jock Wilson, I would watch that show.

Man. I would watch that show, Unjustice. I can imagine you just sitting down in front of him. You've opened up your lunch that you've brought

to the meeting. You're like, now here's what we're going to do. Oh, yeah. Jock Wilson would repeat Unjust going to do. Oh, yeah. And he would repeat injustice many times. Oh, yeah. Unjustice, injustice, injustice. Son, what they're doing to you is injustice.

John Wilson lays out the paper upon which he bought his Quiznos sandwich, opens up his potato chips, dumps the whole bag out first, and then just picks these up. And you see onions and mayo the whole time. And one hand is dumping out the chip, the other is sucking on the straw. He has a, without a doubt, he's got a goatee like the guy from KFC.

The Colonel's goatee. He's got a pointy guy. He comes in, turns He's like See this plaque on the wall What's that say? Unjustice And that's what I fight against Why would you put it

As a plaque on your wall? That's my mission in life Seems like you're celebrating it By putting it up there It reminds me It reminds me There's a lot of injustice In this world

These are the times I wish That we had a production company In Dumb People Town Just to make A fake commercial For his law For Jacques Wilson Okay so I'm going to

Put this to our fans If you Our fans out there You want to make A fake commercial Anything For anything Post it on the Facebook page

Jacques Wilson Unjustice law firm Do it Post it on the Facebook page That's one story Down in the book When we come back More Tom Segura

Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Alright, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Follow Tom on Twitter. He is at? Tom Segura. And you have an amazing podcast with your wife. Your mom's house podcast.

Your mom's house. Tell me about it. We just did episode 398. Wow. Awesome. Yeah, man. Shit, we've been since 2010 we started doing that show. That's crazy.

It's great. And, yeah, it's a bunch of crazy, we play a lot of audio clips. We make fun of, you know, all the nonsense on the internet. People send us

tons of clips like they send you guys articles and, you know, we catch up with each other what we're doing and we just- Hard to do though,

right? It is, man. That is probably the most concentrated time you get to catch up if a marriage is having trouble I'd say start a podcast and you guys can connect

I know you really do connect you really do have you worked out any like have you ever worked out anything serious on there no you know the show is so silly

it's so silly and it's like it's inside joke on inside joke and it's all a hundred inside jokes if it ever gets like really serious we stop recording.

Yeah. So the focus of the show is that it really is silliness. What have you found? I mean, because truthfully, your stand-up, you've always been great. And there are a lot of people we know who are like, man, these people are great stand-ups. This person is a great stand-up. But I feel like it has taken off. It has really taken off in the last like year or so stand-up yeah for you like in terms of like yeah you being the draw you being able it's going out yeah what changed it

do you know netflix 100 i mean well the combination the podcast got much bigger like it grew much bigger than we ever thought it would. Right. And then Netflix, and then at the same, they feed each other. So podcast fans feed your live shows. Netflix feeds your podcast. Was the Netflix an original? Netflix original?

The first one wasn't. The second one was. Was. The Mostly Story one is the one that just became an album. Right. They originally, they made that a Netflixflix original that yeah that is that's it you have to get to that spot and then do they promote it do a good job yeah i mean you know they they you know they spotlighted it when it came out they put billboards up and it's great it really it's

funny though like people sometimes i see people do like a lot of press and stuff but i feel like for netflix in my experience it's like those things just either find an audience or it's not and you did yeah you just kind of go like yeah people will watch it i mean that is really because when we were hanging with you you were like featuring for jay moore featuring for joe rogan that's true and but headlining on your own as well sure yeah but you were going on the road with those guys. Those guys love bringing you out there because you set the table so well for them. And then I feel like now you've really blown up into the stratosphere, which is a wonderful thing. It's pretty cool, man.

I mean, to be able to just to sell some tickets, you're like, oh, this is awesome. That is the thing. So when you go to a town, it's no longer like, oh man, what are the ticket counts? What are they going to be? You know that it's going to be good. Yeah.

It changes the whole weekend, right? It changes the whole show. It changes everything. You get bonuses. You have fun. You know people are going to come up. Or you do a theater. Yeah, theaters.

Yeah, I've been doing it. I did like 30 theaters this year. And I'm doing 30 more starting next week. Dude, that is phenomenal it's amazing how can people find out where and when uh well i i have uh my summer shows are all on sale on at tomsegura.com and then june 9th all my fall shows go on sale so phenomenal pick them up bunch of cities yeah go go check that out we got another story story? Of course we do. Let's do it. This was sent in by Milogan, M-I-L-O-G-A-N, at Milogan. Nice.

Thanks, buddy. Elkhorn, Nebraska. We haven't had a Nebraska story. This guy. And the Cornhuskers. He fits in dumb people down. An Elkhorn man is facing felony charges after douglas county investigators learned he had been sending prostitutes to his neighbor's home for several years just for fun yes that's

a great guy he would just call up hookers and be like here we go his name is david when you get or he called a i'm david and would give the address yes and just be like i want you coming in hot just come in bring it like get naked on the porch and for years titties out if it goes for years there's a part of me if i'm the guy just accepting it's like he likes this yeah right because years wouldn't you think after years you'd figure out who the fuck was doing twice you're like what is going on? Yes. I got a phone call on my phone this morning from

the car service. It'll be right in front of your address in 10 minutes. I look at my phone this morning. It's downstairs. I keep my phone plugged downstairs. I don't put it in my bedroom. I come downstairs. I make the kids breakfast, make the kids lunch, make the coffee, then pull my phone out.

I pull it out. Two phone calls. Car service will be there in 10 minutes. I was like, my first thought is, what did I fuck up? Are we supposed to be on a plane? I'm supposed to be on a plane somewhere. We have a gig tonight? Yeah.

Where am I supposed to go? Did your heart just test the worst for you? That's my first thought. Okay. Then I call up the number to call him back and be like, hey, where is this car service? I'm in Los Angeles. Where is it? They're like 190 Allen Street, New York City, heading over to JFK.

I was like, that is not me. You Randy Sklar? Yeah. Your number, 323-333-da-da-da-da? I was like, yep, that's my number. And I was like, I did not order this car. I'm like, who has it? Then I'm like, who's got my number and i was like i did not order this car i'm like who has then i'm like who's got my number who's ordering cars yeah who's going from this place there's a identity

theft now i'm like i'm gonna be in this whole thing this now good thing you already made the coffee good thank god i made the coffee because i was like i came in hot titties out like ready to go i was like what's going on here what i realized is that it was for was for the, they had screwed up for the film festival that we were in. This is going to drop after it, but for the film festival that we were in New York for the 15th, that they had screwed up the date of when my car service was supposed to be. But I didn't know. This is two phone calls on my thing.

So if a hooker gets delivered to my house twice- You're getting to the bottom of it. I'm like, I got identity. Of course. You're getting to the bottom of that. I'm calling motherfucking LifeLock. And I wonder wonder do you think he spread it out to like multiple neighbors or just one one get into it like it's just always doing this to this that's right like just only him i know we're not neighbors anymore but i just i want to be able to keep up do we send out

christmas cards every can i get that new address todd todd what is todd lapinski but here's the thing about it which is unbelievable this could be the greatest secret santa i don't know what the secret santa spending limit is yeah but if a hooker comes in under that it doesn't get better than that but here's the thing he's ordering hookers to someone's home so like someone else has to pay. That first exchange is always going to be like, alright, so what's up? And then the guy's going to be like, what's up with what? You lost? You want me to

piss in your mouth? It's 300 bucks, dude. The family home that these prostitutes went to. Family. The family has two small children. Honey, can you get that? Mom's busy. Just see who it is.

That's why I don't let my kids answer the door. Mom, it's somebody named Cheyenne. So my kids are super into Hamilton. Okay. I have to give so many props to my wife. They've been to the show. We got tickets. This dude waited in line for four and a half hours.

Four and a half. Eight. Eight hours. You're lucky, son of a bitch. I thank you every time. where we got tickets this dude waited in line for four and a half hours four and a half eight hours you're lucky you son of a bitch I thank you every time he was like live tweeting him in line at five in the morning

yeah I waited for eight hours I think Tom Segura was about to tell me I could have gotten you six just on my own no I could text right now no why

I got him I'm gonna text Jack Wilson Jack Wilson it's unjustice it's unjustice you waited 10 hours Lin-Manuel is a buddy of mine man

Is he really No God he made me believe it He made me believe it Sold it Should be on that call song So the opening Of the first song

Alexander Hamilton It starts out How does a bastard Something Son of a whore Yeah Son of a whore Sure So my kids Who are not old enough To know what a whore. Yeah. Son of a whore. Sure.

So my kids, who are not old enough to know what a whore is, they ask- How old, just for reference? 17 and 22. Almost 10 and almost 12. Almost 10 and almost 12. They don't know what whores are. Okay. The 12-year-old probably should know what a whore is, but she doesn't. Okay?

So the nine-year-old said to my wife, what's a whore? I mean, they're singing the lyrics. They're singing out loud. They're saying it out loud. Were you glad you didn't have to feel this? I was so happy that I wasn't there and my wife just thought about it for a second and she's like, just a woman who's going through a real difficult time.

She's just having a hard time. She's just having a hard time. Totally true. Totally true. She's just having a hard time. She's a Totally true. On point. What's on point? She's just having a hard time. She's a cool chick, but she's having a fucking rough day. Having a rough go.

She's having a moment. Having a rough day. So now, I'm afraid. But now we're afraid that if anybody, let's say my kids are at school and they see someone having a rough time, they're going to be like, oh, you're such a whore. You whore. You're having a whore-like day. What's it like to be a whore? I just looked over at you, and you just seemed like this dirty slut.

I just wanted to come over and put my arm around you. Yeah, yeah. Whore. You whore. I love just so diplomatic. Amy was just like, you know, and maybe there's times in your life where she feels like my body, my choices, but that's another level of- She's just having a hard time.

Having a hard time. Anyway, so- so well this family has two small children they contacted investigators after they said escorts and prostitutes were regularly exposing themselves on the family's front porch that's what i said get naked on the porch and i'll be there to pick you up. The family said it began in May of 2013. They told investigators incidents like this would happen up to as blank times a year. I'm going to ask you guys right now on the high end. So we're going to give two numbers. A year.

On the high end, how many times did this happen a year before they contacted investigators? It's been going since 2013. Tommy, you want to go first or last? I'll go first. Okay. 17. 17 times a year before they contacted investigators it's been going since 2013 time you want to go first or last i'll go first okay 17 17 times a year that is all that is that's a lot it's more than once a month and they and that's when after that is when after years of that is when they called investigators jason sclar i i know you're gonna think this is crazy but i'm gonna say 48 times a year 40 almost once a week they took like four weeks

off vacation four times a month and then they take off for christmas 30 times a year 30 times a year i'm gonna tell you guys right now someone in this room has hit it on the head oh someone in this room has already won one of these dead on they told investigators that these incidents would occur as many as 30 times a year holy christ i mean 30 times a year it's more than twice a month so it's happening every other week it's happening since 2013 and then they call the cops but there is on some level I'm thinking of the guy who's sending the hookers over there he does feel like he is playing God a little bit

I can get these women to do my bidding the assuredness of Tom going 100% feels like he is controlling he's like moving the chess piece he's a master manipulator but do you think at some point he was like, I was only going to do this maybe six, seven times.

At this point, I've got to keep doing it. The escort service who's just like, this fucking guy? He's like, yeah, no, I want another one. Private number? Does he private? That's what I'm saying. Does he private number?

He has to be a private number. Get this. According to a neighbor who told WOWT6 News, the previous owners had a little bit of the same problem. So this guy is just doing it to the house. He wanted it to the house. He wanted that fucking house. He's trying to fuck that house.

But look at that. I mean, first of all, I'm impressed that there's a, I don't want to say like a whore infrastructure, but that there's enough of this going on in a state like Nebraska. In a city like what? Elkhorn? Elksburg or Elkscorn? Elkhorn. Elkhorn. Elkhorn.

Has that many hookers? I mean, unless they're pulling them from nearby whore town. Whore town. This is an elk horn. That's a great podcast. Whore town. Whore town. Just people going through rough times.

Yeah, they're just having a hard time. She's having a hard time. Yeah, that is a lot. If that's happened that many times, a single hooker has been there more than once. Yeah, a single hooker has been like, this place looks familiar. Oh, I'm here again?

I remember not getting paid here. All right, let's do this. I guess I'll go back and get naked on the porch anyway. According to the family, many of the women became upset because they expected to be paid by someone in the residence. The family said they feared for their safety. Some of the individuals kicked at their door.

According to police reports, one individual urinated on their property. You paid for this. You ordered it. I'm doing it. Then you're paying. You got to tell the kids about those. I got to tell them. She needs a bathroom.

Look, she's going through a hard time. Can we call that, if you pee on someone, that's a golden shower. Yes. If you pee on someone's property, golden bath. Golden sprinkler. Golden sprinkler. That's a golden sprinkler. Just on the lawn.

Just pee on the lawn, that's a golden sprinkler. There you go. Court documents. No, I encourage my daughter is swimming, and then she has to pee. I encourage her to pee in the grass, standing up. Because look, I don't want her to pee in the pool. But then the other day in the house, she said, can I go in the yard and pee? Do they not pee in the pool?

No. You're teaching your kid to go out and you have to let your daughter out to pee. Go pee by the rat. Go pee by the dead rat. Go out by the rat. How old? She's three. Three and a half.

Hey, look. At least she's not doing it in her pants. I guess it's a good idea at that age to encourage. Put it out in the grass. She'll be able to camp, that's for sure. That's for sure. She could work in the grass. According to police reports, as I said, one individual urinated on the property. Court documents filed Monday

allege some of the women stripped naked on the family porch. Awesome. These women are whatever they were promised, they're coming to that house to get it. They're cool uninhibited yeah this this deputies conducted surveillance in march and witnessed two women expose their breasts on the lighted porch turn the light off yeah do the i mean unless we'll leave the light on for you do you think though that's part of the call like when you get to the porch pull those titties out yes let me make sure i can see through the window

this is how hard this case was to crack they finally called the cops cops watched their house two women show up take their tits out deputies interviewed the women and discovered that and discovered a number that traced back to the neighbor next door neighbor douglas goldsberry oh douglas goldsberry you've done it again you're right a neighbor yep investigator said goldsberry admitted he've done it again! You're right. A neighbor. Investigators said Goldsberry admitted he was soliciting the prostitutes through a website. He told deputies he would discuss sexual acts for money

and promise additional money if the girls would strip on the porch. Tom, you're exactly right. I am Douglas Goldsberry. But is Goldsberry's thing watching from afar on a porch like that? He gets what he wants? Maybe that's what a Goldsberry's thing watching from afar on a port like that? He gets what he wants?

Maybe that's what a Goldsberry is. I think he's getting such a rush from this man. He is getting all of it. He feels the order, the search. Yes. He can get people to do stuff. It's from square one. It's from talking to them, discussing sexual acts, saying that there's like, I'm going

to take, and then they get excited about the money. And then he gets to see his plan in action exactly and especially the titties coming out you damn near wrote the next sentence of this article goldsberry who lives in the same elkhorn neighborhood as the family would watch from a window and sometimes take photographs of the women of course you're welcome to dumb people town tom if he doesn't get a little bit of the women. Of course. That's his trophy. Welcome to Dumb People Town, Tom. Those are his trophies, man. If he doesn't get a little bit of the window pane in the photo, it's not working. That's right. Because it could be anywhere. You need

to know that he's going through a window. You know, like serial killers keep the little panty or the necklace. That's his moment. What is his next step? It's hard to be surprised by anyone. Sorry. It's hard to be surprised anymore anyone any i'm sorry it's hard to be surprised anymore sometimes with what people do said douglas county attorney don clean wait this is douglas

goldsberry he lives in douglas county yes he does feel like he is god this is my county it's my county namesake it's my county this one's a bit surprising goldsberry admitted he would regularly meet escorts at hotel rooms he's facing charges of one count of pandering, one count of soliciting a prostitute. How only one? And ten counts of disturbing the peace. This is minor. This is a moment where he's like, And Jacques Wilson could get him.

Yes, justice! He is up to his elbows in escorts. He's meeting him at a hotel. He's ordering him for the house over there. I love that, too. He's meeting them at hotels He's ordering them From the house over there I love that too He's like Online

He's like When you get to that porch Maybe the thrill Maybe the thrill is that He sometimes meets them In hotels right And that's when he can But maybe he's like

I can't have them At my house But there's just a thrill In that they're across the street That's right They're close It's like they're close They're in the hood They're in the hood And fuck that family He doesn the street. That's right. So he's bad. It's like they're close, right? They're in the hood.

They're in the hood. And fuck that family. He doesn't have to pay for it. Right. So there's that. So he doesn't have to. Skips out on him. Which is like Tom said, that's on the company for keep sending these women to an address

that no one ever pays. Nobody ever pays. But imagine if you're the Corey Feldman in Burbs of this neighborhood and you're just walking your dog or whatever and telling your friends like, oh shit, watch this. This girl's about to go up to this house. I would never want this to stop.

This is hilarious. The best. By the way, the reason this went on for years is that every dude in the hood didn't let it stop. We don't need to call

this one in. It'll work itself out. If my neighbor was doing that, I would be in heaven. Honey, you gotta stop this right now. It will, let's get our noses

out of other people's Wait, you're walking the dog again? You're walking the dog again. The dog was walked five minutes ago. Dog needs a lot of exercise. Dog getting fat. If any of us lived in this neighborhood, that'd be 20 minutes of an album. Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Just living in that neighborhood. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. You want the dog to get hip dysplasia because he's carrying extra weight. Oh, I realize that i'll just sit here i'll sit here and let him die dog from hip dysplasia or i can walk the dog oh that's crazy wow i love it man incredible that's that's that's first of all resourcefulness that's utility this guy has earned his name goldsberry he gets a Goldsberry star Douglas Goldsberry from Douglas County

in Elkhorn, Nebraska you have made it into Dumb People Town alright we come back one quick story and then a very special voicemail Tom Segura is with us

Dan Van Kirk Dumb People Town stay with us stick around make it sound for more Dumb People Town Hi, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town.

We're here. We're here. We're psyched to have you. Join the Facebook page, as we mentioned. Hey, listen to this show. Rate it and review it on iTunes. That always helps us bounce up the list. If you're looking at the top, you will also find Tom Segura's great podcast with his wife called Your Mom's House.

And it is always in the top, like bouncing around the top 50. It's there, man. It's there. Keep subscribed to that because if you like this, you will definitely like that podcast as well. It's super fun. Dan, you got one more story for us? This was sent in by Nate D at Nate D 80. N-A-T-E-D 80.

Sounds like a guy who owns a pizza place that's also an arcade that also has escorts. Nate D 80. Nate D 80. Oh, man. You had me till the third one, and then you really had me. Yeah. Great. Then you wrote me.

Rock River. Actually, I'm sorry. I even said it wrong rocky river rocky river ohio oh snap police in suburban cleveland state we're i'm gonna read this to you guys and then we're gonna talk about the conversation this guy had with either his legally separated wife or himself police in suburban cleveland say a half-naked man intentionally crashed his car into a closed convenience store to get beer injuring himself and a store employee first of all if you're closed that employee should have gone home don't load her around don't which

half i think he's naked from the waist down oh he has to be half naked only his pants and half naked means pants are off because shirtless is you're not wearing a shirt. His shirt. Boxers? No. Completely nude. Free balling it. Just put a t-shirt.

Yes. Donald Duck in it. A big Johnson t-shirt. What did you say? Donald Duck in it, right? Donald Duck in it. Yeah, exactly. Remember when the Cubs wanted a mascot?

We talked about this. And their mascot didn't have pants, but he had shoes that were laced up. High tops. That's the part that made it weird. If you had laces tied up and your dick is out. Yeah, gotta be pants. You're spending the wrong time on the wrong top. I want this guy to just be wearing a big Johnson Fire Department t-shirt.

It says, find them hot, leave them wet. And swimming shoes. He slid those on real quick. No, river shoes. Those that allow you to walk on rocks and stuff like that. This is Rocky River, man. You gotta put your Rocky River shoes on.

Can he have the straps? The Velcro straps? He can have Velcro straps over it. Socks. Skeletons. And the FBI t-shirt, the female body inspector. I'll switch it up. We know that for sure. For sure. For sure. And a Guy Fieri visor.

So he crashes into sunglasses. But imagine if he drove purposefully, drove into a closed convenience store to get beer. How drunk are you to be that desperate for it, to come up with a plan right to go through because you're not like two beers in yeah about 10 beers how dickish are your friends that didn't believe you'd go get some beer i'll fucking do it i'll do it no yeah we're closed it's closed don't go you fuck you want to talk some you want no no we're talking anything it's closed yeah we're just telling you we don't need beer dude he's not gonna go it's closed fuck the, we're just telling you it's closed. We don't need beer. Dude, he's not going to go. It's closed. Fuck the three of y'all right now. No, no, no, no.

I told you you could drink some of my beer. Watch this shit. Where is it going? Where is it going? I'm going to go get it. No, no, no, no. You need to put some pants on for Christ's sake. Yeah, put pants on.

Put on shit. And guess what? I'm going to drive right through the fucking front door. Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. I looked it up. They're closed. No. They're closed.

Three of y'all are pussies. No. What? No, no, no, no. No, we're not pussies. We don't need to take it here. Where are we going to drink? Where are we going to drink?

We are not going to drink. We're going to drink some of his beer. We don't need to get it. He's not going to go. Eight minutes. No, he's not going. I bet you in eight minutes I'll crash through that fucking door. I'm going to take that bet.

I'll get beer. I'll be back here in eight minutes. I'll take that bet too. There's no way in hell. There's no way in hell. Just let him go. He's not going to go. All right.

What are you going to do? Crash through the door with no pants on. Bet. Bet. Bet. Eight. Eight. What's eight times three? I have no idea. Y'all owe me that. The best too is you know that this conversation

continued even when you're alone in the car. 100%. Tell me. I can't. Gonna tell me. Gonna tell't. Gonna tell me. I'm gonna have $24 in about six minutes. This beer gonna pay for itself. Gonna tell me. Why is it $8? Rocky River police

say the driver was wearing nothing from the waist down. Amazing. We know dumb people town. We know dumb people behavior when he crashed through the store early sunday and and then guys this is my favorite part he crashes through the store then tells the worker he needs beer yeah beer man from the window yeah and you know it's

a crank it's a crank it's a crank and he's abusive like hey pussy, pussy. Get up. Get up, motherfucker. Let's go. I need beer. I need beer. Y'all got insurance, right? Let me have like, you know, that thing. He's treating it like a drive-thru. Yeah, let me have a Michelob. You got Rolling Rock?

No. You got ice house? I feel like beating my stepkids. You got ice house? Load it up. Load it up. I'll take a 24-pack ice house. Pops the trunk for him. Load it up. Load it up. I'll take a 24-pack ice house. Pops the trunk for him.

Load it up. Load it up. You load it up, bitch. I'm going to tip your ass. Throw a bag of ice in there. Throw a bag of ice. Hey, you ain't going to get a tip. I'll tell you that right now.

The whole time he's doing this, his nuts are out. Nuts are out. Just hang free in the breeze. In the breeze. Here's what I love. Ready? Ready? Police say that when they arrived, the man barricaded himself inside a beer cooler and

told the police to shoot him. We're at way more beers. We're at way more beers than we thought. No, it's not 10 beers. He's like into a party ball. You know he's pressing his balls up against the front of the thing. Shoot him, motherfuckers. Shoot it.

Freezing. This is freezing. He started drinking just after 10. Friday? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like... It's Sunday. He's into a whole party ball.

10 a.m., I'm saying. He's just like, morning, morning, all... Yeah, it's like he's hit waves of recovery, but then... Just every interaction that he has with anybody

is, oh, we're doing this. There was a point where he quietly looked around the room with a weird little face and then goes, I think I drunk myself sober. Yeah. No, you didn't.

Guys, I think I'm sober. I think I'm sober. And then he's like, you ever put a straw in the tip of your dick and see if you can drink from it? I'm like, what? No, no. And they're like, no, he's not sober. No, he's not.

Anytime someone theorizes that they drank themselves sober, that is the theory of a really drunk person. If I pee into another man's penis, is that gay? No. No, it's just incredibly accurate. You guys, may I ask you guys a question? Are they touching? No. May I ask you guys a question?

You ever just look at your legs and say, I hate pants. There they go. There they go. I hate pants. Oh, my God. Breakaway sweats. so he's standing behind one of the glass doors saying shoot me shoot me uh uh there had to be a physical fight before he left the house oh yeah oh there was one he definitely took someone's car that wasn't his

own that's not his car that's not his car for sure his girlfriend marybeth like tried to stop him twice and as he's like he was using this is older car, so he's put the key in the door, you know, to open it. Like, it's not a fucking. Yeah, it's not a. He definitely had to take the club off first. Right. It's in his driveway. As that person ran out, I was like, get off my fucking car, man.

He jumped in his car and begged someone to blow so that he could pull away. Someone come fucking blow on this so I can go get beer. It won't start unless someone can blow so that he could pull away someone come fucking blow on this it won't start unless someone can blow it put some fucking pants on fuck you and then one last punch he asked the cops to shoot him they decided to go with a stun gun the cops were like okay here

stay still for a second the driver was taken to a hospital as was the store employee who suffered leg and chest injuries that weren't considered critical the driver has been charged with impaired driving so he drives in police say this the worker was fortunate that the deli counter was between him and the car preventing serious injuries for the worker so he drove in hit the counter that the guy's standing behind that guy's laid out and he starts yelling at him to get beer. Yep. To get out on this, I ask you guys, how old is the driver who went for search of beer without pants? Tom, you want to go first or last?

31. 31 years old from Tom Segura. This guy's 26. 26. I think he's 22. 22. I think he's young. That's the work of a young, dumb dude.

Rocky River Police say the driver, who we named Kyle at some point, is 45 years old. Two for three, Tom Segura. Wow. Wow. 45. 45. That's how old we are. I've been doing this for a minute, man.

Which means two of those fights happened with his kids. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Jesus. Stepkids. Did you say stepkids? I would say one in the presence of a with his kids. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one in the presence of a grandkid. Oh, yeah. You know that was one in the presence. Toddler in a pack and play that has not been on that thing for hours.

On one of those activity centers that just kind of rotates around. Sitting in his own shit for like three hours. And his kids are like, you really think we all need to see your dick again? I told you I don't like pants you're in my house so either take yours off or leave all right certainly don't say anything about me doing what i want to do in my house i am taking the car out and going to the convenience store that thing is not open it is now it's about to be open it should be because only a 45 year-year-old would at least be like, I don't care if someone sees me naked.

You know what I mean? At 22, you might be like. You'd care. By the way, another great bit on your album. What's that? The old. Oh, the old people. Old people being just super confident with their bodies.

After being arrested. It doesn't care what size. They don't. They really don't. They really don't. Jock Wilson's phone rang that night after he was arrested. Doesn't care what size. They don't. They really don't. They really don't. Jack Wilson's phone rang that night after he was arrested. Well, it's funny because we thought it was going to be a voicemail.

So I have a voicemail. We actually have a phone call from the Manitowoc County Prison. Is it the state lockup? I don't even know if it's the state lockup. Manitowoc County, I think. State lockup where they're holding Stephen Avery and making a murder. I wonder when the second season of making a murder is.

They're really holding it out. It's got to be coming soon. It's got to be coming soon because there's going to be some Brendan Dassey getting out stuff. Almost a year and a half. Right? Don't make us wait so much. I mean, come on.

What are you, The Sopranos? Come on. I have such a conflicted thing of wanting a second season of that show to come out. It's like, Game of Thrones is fake. I want that shit to come out because I love that it's so fantastic so good but like that album by the way the one of the bonus tracks is about making a murder oh because i'm just obsessed with it fantastic okay great well then i'm very excited because we have uh steven avery on the line right now calling into the show he had a question about representation yeah exactly So let's see if we can't get him on the line right now.

Hello, Steven. Steven, are you there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, who's this? Who's this?

It's the Sklar brothers. Oh, hey. Hey, guys. How are you? We're good, man. How are you doing in there? Oh, I'm good. Don't get strange on me.

We're not getting strange on you. You are. You guys always call me up. You get strange. No, no one's getting strange. Nobody talked to Jody. She's getting strange. You guys always call me up. You get strange. No one's getting strange. Nobody talked to Jodi. She's still drinking. What is a seven-letter word for a toy that spins?

Dreidel? Dreidel? All right, I'll look it up. Yeah. Go ahead and look that up. I didn't realize you were doing work and stuff there. It's not work. Boyd, so season two of Making a Murder is going to be coming out.

Yeah. We have with us Tom Segura, who's such a fan of Making a Murderer, one of the bonus tracks. Big fan. Huge fan. One of the bonus tracks on his album is about Making a Murderer. You guys know lots of lawyers, right? We do know lots of lawyers. In fact, we just

literally just talked about one of the great lawyers. He got a guy off, right? That's what I mean. I'm up against Ken over here. Jacques Wilson. talked about one of the great... He got a guy off, right? You heard that. I'm up against Ken over here. Jacques Wilson. You don't want Ken Kratz to represent you, although he said he may represent you.

At this point, I'll take it. You'll take it if you want. Those other guys didn't do nothing for me. They really didn't do nothing. Did you do anything? No, I didn't do nothing. You didn't do nothing. Everybody tries to say I do. The only thing I ever did was get Jody another beer.

You also threw a cat into a fire. Over a fire. To be fair, that was a bet with the cat. That was not a bet with the cat. Come on. It's not a bet with the cat. I lost the bet to the cat. Okay.

That was the cat won the bet. The cat did not win a bet to go into a fire. No, the cat's bet was that if it won, it got to get thrown over a fire, and I missed. No winning a bet is being thrown over an open flame. I signed a waiver. The cat and I signed a waiver. The cat did not sign a waiver.

It sounds very probable. Hold on a second. Jacques Wilson. Jacques Wilson is with us right now. He's the lawyer who got the guy. He might be open to representing you. I don't know. First of all, I have to say it's an absolute pleasure to speak with you.

I think that your cat waiver sounds not only probable, but I would encourage others to sign documents with their feline friends. Thanks. They got me locked up in here. I feel like it ain't right. I feel like I shouldn't be in there. to sign documents with their feline friends. Oh, thanks, you know. They got me locked up in here, you know. I feel like it ain't right. I feel like I shouldn't be in there, you know. Just from the few moments I've been speaking with you, I can tell you, I can sense it ain't right.

Oh, thanks, you know. Are you sensing there's injustice happening right now? Great injustice is coming through the phone lines. I agree with that, too. I agree with it, too, you know. What is a four-letter word for something you swim in? It's a pond. Could you tell me why you're locked up currently? Well, okay, here's what happened, right?

I let these guys, they come hang out at my thing. They say they want to look around. Then all of a sudden, you know, they try to say I did something I didn't do. And then they want me to take all the money from me. I didn't do it, you know. The old, I didn't do it, but you made it seem like I did. Yeah, like that, you know. You think I should come up with something better?

That sounds like injustice to me. That's a great injustice. That's a great injustice. And I actually remember a case of equal injustice in which we got somebody out who's just like you. Who was that? Who was that? What'd they do? That was, I believe his name was Kevin Queens.

Kevin Queens. I remember the case of Kevin Queens. He was the king of Queens. The king of Queens. No. Yeah, that was how they wrote it in the paper. Don't get strange. You get strange now Nah

Nah Why don't you come down here And get me out Cause you know We got Ken Kranz He's asking people If aliens did it And then they said

No aliens didn't do it I said why not Could it possibly Aliens did it And then they locked me up In here you know Big secret Open secret

Aliens do a lot more Shit that they're not Supposed to do And they don't get Blamed for it enough Well let's start Blaming for this I don't to do, and they don't get blamed for it enough. Well, let's start blaming them for this. I don't want to do it. I didn't do nothing. We know you think you didn't do anything,

but sometimes it doesn't matter what happened. It's more about what the defense is. So if you were defending this guy, no matter what the facts are, what would you say to a judge and jury? What do you have in your defense fund, first of all? Well, right now, I don't got much, you know. I got Park Place from Monopoly on McDonald's. And if I get the other one, if I get Boardwalk, I'll have a boat there.

And that'll be a lot of money to help me out. Enough said. I think he just agreed to take the case. Well, that's be a lot of money to help me out enough said i think he just agreed to take the case well that's a certain style of defense oh okay that i would present for you enough said enough said defense enough said so don't say anymore do you ever hear the story about the construction worker and the squirrel oh i'm fascinated to hear this one. It's too long. Basically, basically, it's just that

you can't take shit from nobody. And that's what I would tell the jury. Okay. And in that story, I don't know if it's the squirrel taking shit from the construction worker or the construction worker taking shit from the squirrel. I'm done taking shit. Actually, no one's defended him quite like that.

I'm trying to find a three-letter word that you hear things with. Your ear. That's an E-A-R. That's an ear. It doesn't fit, though, because I think the one I have going down is wrong. Hold on. What's something you ride with loops? That's a 12-letter word.

12-letter word? You ride with loops. It has to start with an R if here's your answer. Why not? Railroad. Let me see if that fits. All right, look. I think he's charging by the hour, so we're wasting his time.

That's fine. I told you already. I could only pay a Monopoly piece from McDonald's. I understand that. I don't want Stephen's getting upset. Let's let him go. All right. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for at least. Steven, not guilty. You're not guilty.

I'm going to help you get out. Thanks. I will get another more. Sounds good. Wow. Steve, you got to get off, Steve. Okay. All right. Goodbye, buddy. Yeah. Nope. You got to go.

Okay, then. Bye, Steve. Steven, goodbye. Okay, then. All right. Bye, Steve. Yeah. No. Stephen, goodbye. Yeah. No. Goodbye, Stephen. Bye.

All right. Wow, Dan. Oh, my goodness. Holy Christ. Man, that was a fun show today. Yeah, great show today. I loved it. Tom Segura. You can follow him on Twitter.

You can pick up the album, which is really the Netflix special. If you've seen that Netflix special. Give it five stars and listen to his great podcast as well. Give that five stars as well. Your mom's house. Such a fun show. I'm so happy to have you on, dude. Thank you for having us.

This was a really fun time. We'll have you back. Always good to see you guys. Tom, we hung out at JFL and then we ended up in the airport watching the Olympics together in French. Do you remember that? We had no clue what was happening. We just sat there eating horrible food.

Were we hungover? Yeah. Probably. Yeah, JFL. From that. Were we hungover? Yeah. Probably. JFL. From that to here, we've made it, guys. Thank you, Dumb People Townies. Join the Facebook page. Let's try and beat the dumbness with comedy.

That's how we do it here. Let's get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum