Dumb People Town - Tony Hinchcliffe - Shark Vomit Jesus Birth

Episode Date: December 19, 2017

This week, Tony Hinchcliffe (Kill Tony, One Shot) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, a theft of holiday decorations involving a shark, a T-Rex, and the zoo. Story #2 brings us a Ferrari thief who ain't got gas mone...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, jerk, don't be a jerk. That's when the music gets the funny hits and we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, come here Downey's Dumb People Town. Hey Townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you.

Population Hinchcliffe. Yes. That's what it's about. We bring in a sniper. A guy who we, first of all, we've done this podcast Kill Tony. It is fantastic. If you haven't listened to it, it is in many ways like it feels like a good companion to this podcast

because it is regular people who don't have a lot of experience doing one minute of stand up and then Tony and a group of comedians. We of stand-up and then tony and a group of comedians we try and unpack their lives like who are these people like through the window that is the one minute of their stand-up we then dig into do we do that right do we get it kind of right no you're absolutely right insane characters we meet every single week insane characters the coolest part about it is to see it live because it is done live every time and it's just so

spontaneous and random it's fun for me we've been because it is done live every time. And it's just so spontaneous and random. It's fun for me. We've been doing it almost five years every week out of the comedy store. And last night we pulled a lady out of the bucket that is a vegan hippie that uses her own menstrual blood to do the gardening. She mixes her period blood. I bet her plants are ridiculous. Right. Little shop of whores.

Just like those plants will. But there's one point in the month where you just don't want to garden. You just don't want to get out there and do it. And there's one time of the month where you don't want to visit her garden. Yeah, because it's an angry garden. Yeah. Angry garden, is that a band? No, it was actually Savage Garden is a band.

Sound Garden. Sound Garden is a band, and then Wicked Garden was a Stone Top Pilots song. True. Kindergarten. Kindergarten is where our kids go. Dan, how are you? How are your kids? They haven't found me yet.

Okay, that's a good thing. It's positive. Perfect. What we do on this show, as we all know, and as basically... Hopefully some new Kill Tony fans who are joining this show right now are going to find out. We know that the world is getting dumber. As we sit here, the four of us in the circle that we're in, the world is... Even though Todd Glass wants to argue against that.

And we'll get to that in a future episode, but we already recorded it, so we're bending time right now. But I will say this. The world is getting dumber as we speak, and our only way to fight back is through comedy. You know that. Yeah. You know that. The only way to fight back.

And so we have our dumb ears on the ground. They're the best. Our Dumb People Town fans. The Facebook page is phenomenal. They find stories out in the wilderness. They bring them back to us dan has the stories we have not seen them tony you have not seen them either i don't know what's so the three of the four of us try and break it down in the best way we know how which is try to understand what were the 10 decisions that led to all the behavior that's there beautiful we guess the age we guess the

bail we guess all that stuff and i bet we have to this. What led to this. What happened the day before. When did this altercation actually start? Right. When did the drinking start? We try and figure it out. Based on when the person was arrested, you can really sort of backdate it. Or if it's like a work fight, like a workplace fight, then you know that there's been weeks of people being like, really like it if you stop saying that to me, man.

Stop saying that to me, man. If you could, that'd be great. And then more like, one more time, dude. Say it one more time. Say it one more time. Say it one more time. And here we go.

That's the smoking break fight. Yeah, exactly. All right, Dan, well, kick us off with something, please. This was sent in by Larissa at the girl on the wall, but she spelled girl G-R-L.

There's no I in girl. Surprise shouldn't go with Larissa explains it all right that would work yeah you know tie a little switch

Jay's knowledge of children my sweet Larissa Jay's knowledge of tweener female shows yeah Gary Roy Moore-esque yes

oh well okay Safety Harbor Florida of course it's Florida by the way Safety Harbor Florida nothing safe about it

I know it's a lie in the name. There's a lie in it. Have you performed in Florida? Yes. Where? It's scary as shit. Yeah, it's scum. It's just disgusting.

Come on. It's like if all the humans were like that one bug guy from Men in Black, the guy that's like a bug underneath his skin, that's what all the people there are like. So you had great shows. I had fun. Insane people love me. They kind of do.

You open up to them. You open up a thing with insane people, like a dialogue, and that's how we get there. So again, let's try and understand what's happening. Bug guy. Bug guy. Vincent D'Onofrio, I think. Oh, yeah. Or Charlize Theron.

I'm not sure. I think it was Vincent D'Onofrio. Do you think Charlize Theron is in every movie? Well, according to some people, I do. You actually thought it was called Game of Thrones. And you thought it was a story about her family. I'd watch that Bravo show. Game of Thrones?

Yes. It'd be phenomenal. A Grinch. It is the holidays. I wanted to find us a fun- Here we go. ... themed story. Okay.

Safety Harbor, Florida. Safety. The Grinch story Safety Harbor, Florida The Grinch Safety Harbor, Florida There's the news talk A Grinch who tried to steal Christmas Was busted That's not really even a full That's not a well structured

A Grinch who tried to steal Christmas Was busted A Safety Harbor man is accused of stealing Christmas decorations from one yard and then... Putting them up in his own yard. Putting them up in his own yard. Oh, man. That's something a lot of people, I think, want to do, but then you don't act on that. You'd have to go outside of your neighborhood.

You'd have to have ho-ho-hos in different area codes. That's right. There you go. There you go. There you go. You can't just steal from around the corner. You need to steal things that you can consume

or unload. This is exactly. But you don't steal something and then display it. This is exactly like those two people who murdered that pregnant woman

and then took the baby outside of her and left her in like a plastic thing by the river so that they could raise the baby as her own. Which also happened

in Safety Harbor, Florida. Thank you. Probably did. So I mean, on level of severity, this is the exact same thing. Right. Do you think also, too, I just imagine this guy doing this with his kid, and the kid being like Russ from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, where he's constantly like, I don't know about this, Dad.

Shut up and grab the lights! Shut up, Russ. Yeah. What's there to not get? We're taking them from their house. We're putting them in front of our house. People are going to think we bought them. Like, in one night?

Like, all in one night we got these things? It says their name on the reindeer. Good talk, son. Go to bed, Russ. You want a beer? Okay. Cindy Meyer and her family have been putting inflatables up in their safety harbor yard for years.

They're kind of asking. I mean, I don't want to blame, like, look what she's wearing. She's asking for it. But inflatables in your eyes. They're kind of asking. I mean, I don't want to blame like, look what she's wearing. She's asking for it. But inflatables in your eyes. That's very lame. Blaming the inflatable victim on this. It's very stealable. Neither one of the scholars do inflatables then? No. At all? No. In Youngstown, Ohio, where you grew up,

would there be inflatables? No, that would be pointless. They would get shot and there would be holes in them. By the Youngstown Mafia, of which your father was a part of. May or may not be a part of. It could Youngstown Mafia of which your father was a part of. May or may not be a part of. It could be the Italian Mafia that would shoot them

but I would guess on the gangs. Gang Mafia, yeah. Gang warfare. It's a good pellet gun game. It's like shooting inflatables on a lawn. Right.

Which is really a phrase about how easy it is to shoot things. Quote. Super easy. Cindy Meyer says, quote, we've been doing this

for a long time. We've lived here for a few years and every year Why is she being so vague about how long they've been doing this for a long time. We've lived here for a few years. And every year. Why is she being so vague about how long they've been there? More and more. When you say four years, if you've lived there for four years. I think she's full of hot air like her inflatables.

I hope that when she said to the police officer, we've lived here a few years or the reporter, they said, oh, so you don't get it yet. Like you don't understand. Stick around. Hang around and you'll see. We thought it was going to be a safe harbor. It's a family tradition. The Meyer family looks forward to every year. They like to run out here, hug the inflatables, and give them high fives.

I mean, it's a big deal to them. This article does not say at all who she is referring to. I hope it's her trained Labrador. Who is they? I think they is the to. I hope it's her trained Labrador. Who is they? I think they is the neighborhood. She blows up these things with their mouths.

The whole family. Just exhausting day. Annual day. It's an inflatable blow up day. Put them on the lawn and wait for people to come by and high five them. Or steal them or high five them. Wow. So Safety Harbor is a safe harbor for fugitives. That's what it is.

Ready for this name? Police say that one man did not have a jolly soul and stopped by to try and steal the Myers Christmas. That man's name is Michael Fitzgerald. Not Fitzgerald. Wow. I feel like someone stole the D off his last name, and it's just payback all the time. He ain't got that good D, you know what I mean? I feel like this is a lazy person at Ellis Island.

It is. Close enough, man. What's your name? Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald. I got it. I just wrote down Fitzgerald. Michael Fitzgerald. And you know how many times he's

gotten his starbucks cup wrong oh yeah fitzgerald no it's gerald no not me fitzgerald do people leave off the e on hingecliff yeah yeah it's silent that's silent so but everyone but a d is not so silent now well it is in this case because it's not there. Michael Fitzgerald. Let me put it to you this way. Nobody ever writes Hinchcliffe. Well, and also this. When you think about it, the D represents his dad. No offense, Dan. That's fine.

I'm guessing that his Ds neither were there. Neither Ds were around. Are you saying this because I abandoned that boy? Mm-hmm. I am. He's accused of stealing. Ready for these Christmas decorations? Yeah.

A nine-foot shark, a T-Rex, and a penguin beach. By the way, you're asking for it. Yeah. You don't deserve. If you're trying to put that out for a Christmas decoration. Hang on a second. Hang on. I mean, we're Jews, so we don't know a lot about Christmas.

When the Christmas penguin comes, help me out with this. Both you guys. They spread frankincense. He gives out the frankincense. To the sharks. To the sharks who then vomit it back up in the manger and that's how Jesus was born. Is that right?

Jesus was born into shark throw up, right? And then everyone's like, they hold up the shark throw up and the baby and they're like, this is our Lord. And there was a penguin on the beach in the background. What if there's three townies who listen to this show that are like, this is where they cross the line? This is sweet. They were with us for like labia being made into necklaces.

They were with us for everything. But you guys did a shark vomit Jesus birth. And they were like, I'm up. A shark vomited Jesus birth after the penguins were. And you didn't even include the T-Rex. Well, the T-Rex is just there watching over it. He brought the frankincense. I'm going to show you guys a picture of this stuff.

Of the shark. You tell me what this has to do with Christmas. Okay. This will be on the Facebook page. Whoa. It's a shark with a Halloween jack-o'-lantern on the bottom of it. And what looks like a car behind it. Eating a man.

Or an elf, it almost seems like, right? The shark's eating an elf? I love that you think just because it's green pants. It could be a golfer. It is Florida. But then look at, they put a Christmas hat on the fin. That's aftermarket. Yeah.

That's an aftermarket hat. Right. An aftermarket Santa hat on the dorsal fin of a shark it's like don't know subaru come with a spoiler right i'm gonna say this if i'm walking by and i think to myself i'm gonna steal i'm gonna steal and i see them doing this i'd be like they don't even care yeah or i or me stealing this is doing a favor to chris like maybe he's not saying like i'm gonna take what's here so I can ruin their Christmas. Sometimes you have to.

I'm going to do this to save Christmas. And by the way, sometimes you have to take things away to make Christmas better for everybody. We've strayed, is what he's saying to this woman. Maybe there's some things we're not noticing that make that more Christmassy. Like? Like, maybe there's, like, a Santa hat on the dinosaur's feet signifying Santa what? Claws. There you go.

Santa Claus. There we go. And maybe the, yep. See what I'm saying there? The dinosaur has a scarf and a hat. Also possibly after market. You know the way dinosaurs oftentimes got cold necks and that a lot of people don't realize that had there been more scarves, maybe they wouldn't be extinct.

They would have survived. They also could be... Their tiny little T-Rex hands could not knit the scarves in the way that you need to. They couldn't come together in the way that you need to. Who else doesn't have hands that could do that? Penguins. Penguins. And sharks.

Sharks. Sharks. Thank you. It all comes together. There it is. Things without hands on your front lawn. Quote, men without hands. The Grinch came and actually tried to steal our Christmas decorations.

I don't think tried is... No, the guy took it. He took them. He did it. And on Saturday, my children were very upset. The jack-o'-lantern, by the way,

makes this, you don't have now a claim that these are Christmas decorations. You don't have a Santa's leg and a shark's mouth to stand on in this argument.

On Saturday, my children were very upset and they insisted that we go back to the Lowry Park Zoo, which I hope is named after Mike Lowry from Bad Boys. I went to school with a Mike Lowry.

Really? He has a zoo. He bought a zoo. He has a great steak rub as well. Oh, Lowry's seasoning salt and pepper. Put those on french fries. Those on french fries are damn good. I know.

Lowry's Park Zoo. The kids wanted to go back to the zoo to see Santa for a second time and specifically ask him to help get Mommy's shark inflatable back for Christmas. Well, they could wait until he's done at work and then goes back to his one-bedroom condo and they can ask him. Just ask him there. I don't know, kid. Whatever your mom wants.

That's just... This don't know, kid. Whatever your mom wants. That's just, this family's creepy, man. By the way, is that where you, as Jews, we didn't do this, but is that where you go to see Santa at the zoo?

I mean, they probably do like a winter nights thing with the animals. I mean, you keep doing this we're Jewish thing. I'm sorry.

We only have a couple holidays. That's right. All right, so let us do whatever crazy shit we want. We want sharks. We want T-Rexes. That's right. All right, so let us do whatever crazy shit we want. We want sharks. We want T-Rexes. Let it be.

I don't ever associate Santa with the zoo. Who's ever like, hey, man, you want to go to the zoo? Why? To see Santa? No one has ever said that. But let me riddle me this. If you went to an exhibit and it was Santa throwing his own feces at another Santa, you would watch that. Of course I would.

You would go to the zoo to see that. Find out who's been naughtier nights. Yes. I'd watch that at Exhibit's house. Yeah. And I would, while he was pimping my car. A good Samaritan let the Meyer family know that they saw the missing inflatables at a home on Shore Drive three miles away. Three miles away. Three miles away.

Not far enough. Not far enough. Like you said, you got to have ho-ho-ho's in different areas. You got to send that to your baby's mom across town. Three miles. Imagine that guy, too. Hey, come out here. Look what I got.

I can tell you where your inflatables are. Training for a half mare. Don't worry about that. Inflatables are. Training for a half mare. Don't worry about that. This summer, Eminem, in a story of Safety Harbor, Florida, called Three Mile. You only get one shot.

Do not miss your chance to blow up your inflatables. It's a short. It's a three. I'm giving you credit. Meyer said that Fitzgerald, quote, did finally admit to police that he was just drunk and it was a stupid idea. Which makes me hope he was sitting in his driveway when they pulled up. Sitting in his driveway just talking

to his knee. I'm going to tell you guys first off, it's just a dumb drunk idea. I know what you're here for. Actually, he's the guy who aggressively tells them to cuff him. You know what i mean or he said ah it's just drunk and then he started to trail off like with everything in his life it is like he's realizing the bad idea was to himself that uh that inflatable ghost with the santa hat

on it that one's mine by the way there is no you're like, there is no inflatable ghost out there. Oh, shit. I got the, I got the tuna, the raptor, and the, what was that, a donkey. Okay,

that's a T-Rex. Hold the trunk. We three kings here, man. I got the three kings right here, man. The three things that Christmas can't,

you can't have Christmas without, a T-Rex, a shark. I love that he calls it a T-Rex dude I got the fucking coolest

Christmas decorations last night dude I drank so much eggnog dude I got the T-Rex I hope that he was like out there just setting them up

like it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas everyone's shopping by the way shopping I told you I texted you

I heard I was at a friend's house I told you I texted you I heard I was at a friend's house who was playing Christmas music and I heard whoop-de-doo so whoop-de-doo and dick-a-ree-duck yeah just the worst

Christmas lyrics I was like I can't I just kept thinking of you being like how is this a Christmas song I have no idea whoop-de-doo

and dick-a-ree-duck Christmas songs are fucking crazy they are crazy I started I was on a drive where was I going? Riverside the other day or somewhere weird for a gig.

And on all the playlists on iTunes, it said Christmas playlist. So you're like, let me fire this shit up on the way down. Yeah, tis the season. Here we are. Same way. And it's creepy. All right, the first one on the top of the iTunes playlist was Mariah Carey's hit, All I Want for Christmas. Which is basically, if you listen to it,

she's trying to bone Santa Claus. She's trying to get laid. I don't want a lot for Christmas. There's only one thing I need. One thing you need. She doesn't say one person. She said, give it to me, Santa. She's looking for that D at the end of Fitzgerald. That Fitzgerald D.

The missing D from Fitzgerald. Wow. So yeah, that's what that song's about. She wants to be all up in that North Pole, you know. And the she wants to get some of that coal in her stocking. And the idea of the idea of her. I don't know what that means. She wants some of that Comet and Cupid.

You know what I'm saying? The idea that like she probably took it a little too far like the scene in Precious. Yeah. The scene in Precious where she was nominated for the... Basically, did she win the Oscar that year? No. She did not.

Mariah Carey? She did not. She was up for it. No, the other girl. She was up for it. The other girl from Soul Plane. She would have changed her name to Oscar winning. No, the woman who won was...

We would know it from her name. Who was the one who won from Soul Plane? Soul Plane. Oh, yeah. She won for Soul Plane? Soul Plane? Oh, yeah. She won for Soul Plane. Not Moesha. Is that Lunel? Not Moana, not Moesha.

Tiffany Haddish? No. It's the woman from... I know who you're talking... The woman, she didn't... Leslie. She did not shave her legs for the Oscars. Octavia Spencer.

No! No. Monique. Monique. Thank you! I know. Have you ever worked with Monique? I think we just named three of Tyler Perry's cast, by the way. No, I haven't met Monique Thank you I know Have you ever worked with Monique? I think we just named three of Tyler Perry's cast

No I haven't met Monique Monique is great in that And Octavia Spencer is great in everything Everything Everything Hidden figures Let's go back to this Last night police returned the inflatables

I hope they did it in the middle of the night And didn't even let the kids know That would have been the greatest thing Returned in the middle of the night Look this is all The last three days were all a dream We asked Santa and he brought them back Cindy Meyer said Christmas is not. Turn in the middle of the night. Look, this is all the last three days we're all going to do. We asked Santa and he brought them back. Cindy Meyer said Christmas is not about decorations in the yard or the tree.

It's about family. I would beg to differ since she wanted these decorations back more than anything. Yeah, if it's about family, then who gives a shit about your dumb decorations? By the way, who's your family? And if you're going to call someone the Grinch, you can't just do the first half of the movie. The second half of the movie is that he puts everything back. Right. Redemption. So if he didn't put it back, you can't really call someone the Grinch, you can't just do the first half of the movie. The second half of the movie is that he puts everything back. Redemption. So if he didn't put it back, you can't really call him the Grinch.

Right. Fitzgerald admitted to police it was a drunken mistake. They wrote it twice, which makes me hope he kept saying it over and over. It was a mistake. It was a mistake. It was a drunken mistake. I was a mistake. Wait, what?

What? Did you say I was a mistake? I don't have a D at the end of my name. It was a mistake. What if the Grinch himself- You know they got it wrong when they booked him, too. Now imagine the Grinch that movie if the Grinch was drunk. Oh, yeah.

That's a much different movie. Now you're kind of understanding everything, what he's doing, what he's feeling. He's on top of a mountain yelling at his dog. There you are. This guy's a Buffalo Bills fan. Was arrested and charged with grand theft. He's since bonded out of the Pinellas County Jail. Is that grand theft?

That's grand theft. I'm going to ask you guys. We have two fun quiz questions. First one up. The inflatables were valued at how much money? Coming to you with an overview to find out how much damage did they do? Tony Hinchcliffe. You can either go first, last.

We're all going to guess. Me, you, and Jay. Or in the second slot, which we call the TIG slot. Because she said she wanted to go second. She wanted to go between. She wanted to go between you guys. You want to go first, second, or TIG? Oh, interesting.

I'm going to go first. Okay. How much money were the three inflatables valued at? T-Rex, shark, penguin island. I'm going to say $1,500. Okay. $1,500. Randy or Jay?

Wow. That's a lot. I'm going to say $600. $600 from Randy Sklar. $380. $380. Okay. Guess along at home.

We're going to play one more quick quiz after this one, but I can tell you now, the inflatables of the shark, which was definitely a Halloween decoration. $1,200. Penguin and T-Rex. What'd you say, Tony? $1,200. Okay. I originally said $1,500, but I'm lowering it.

We're valued at $450. Oh! I said $600. You're the closest. $70 off. $70 off. Nicely done. See, I was tricked because it said grand. I're the closest. 70 off. Nicely done. See, I was tricked because it said grand theft.

It's not even a grand. The Grand Canyon is grand. That's not grand theft. 100 grand is more grand. Thank you. The candy bar is grand. That is more grand than that. Grand theft blotto.

Plato. Grand explore. Last question is this. Here we go. You can go first, Tig, or third. How old is Michael Fitzgerald? If your fun leaves marks in life, living hard you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right?

Guess the age. See, now we know what we know about him, okay? Right, right. He's old enough to like have a place to go. To steal inflatables in the middle of the night. And a place to go. He has his own house. He has a place to go and a driveway to sit in, I'm assuming, crying.

I'm going to go first again. Okay. I think I went a little bit too high on my last one, so maybe I'm overcompensating, but I'm thinking 22. What? 22 years old. Got that Florida house. I can see him being that.

Just old enough to drink, but lonely. Yeah. I think he's 61. Randy says 61. I just, to me, see a guy. Old man Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald feels like an older name. I'll give you that.

Just a guy who has a lawnmower, but it doesn't work. Right. Okay. I hear you on that, but i i not just trying to split the difference for the sake of parody uh or for the sake of uh of variety i'm gonna say he's 41 years old 41 years old good guess it feels solid 41 feels right to 41 60 if he's older or it could be younger either way he committed this crime hoping that he would get the interaction with a family and then have a family right yeah this was his get the interaction with a family and then have a family.

This was his way to interact with a family and have a Christmas. But I will say I could see him at every age that we all just said. Yeah, I have an image. As soon as you said 22, that wasn't what I was thinking. I see the 22-year-old Michael Fitzgerald. I'm going to tell you right now. I'm about to tell you his age. And the only thing more shocking when you hear his age

is going to be what he looks like. Which, by the way, is on the Facebook page. Join it, for Christ's sake. If you want to see it, go to the Facebook page. Don't people town on Facebook. You'll get to see all these photos and play along at home. Get your answers in now, because Michael Fitzgerald. No.

The Grinch. He's an old man. He's Michael Fitzgerald. No. The Grinch. He's an old man. Who tried to steal Christmas. No. Is 30 years old. Whoa! And look at him. He is a male model.

He's a good looking guy. What a tough guy, huh? What the fuck are you doing getting drunk? I don't have any sympathy for you anymore. Is that what you were picturing at all? No. It's like the Conor McGregor of inflatables. Look at him.

Kind of looks like Wes Welker. He could bartend in West Hollywood. He's that good looking. Absolutely. He could work at Abercrombie. Look at that jawline. Yeah, man. This week I banged four tens and stole some inflatables off of Bill's lawn. That's it, right? I mean, he's like the kind of guy who makes

Gronk subconscious on a dance floor. That's it. Right? I mean, he's like the kind of guy who makes Gronk subconscious on a dance floor. Do you think he deflated the things completely? Hell no, brah. Carried them straight up. Air filled. Air filled, straight down.

Strapped them to the roof. Stop me. Just stop me. Anybody stop me. I want a female cop to stop me. I can't wait Can I just say this? From looking at that guy,

I'm glad he stole inflatables instead of raping a woman. He does seem a little date rapey. Maybe he raped the inflatable. Who knows? All I'm saying is that Jack O'Lantern did not have any real holes in it. Yeah. Until.

The dinosaur did, though. Man, girl, your pussy extinct! Yay! That's not even nice to say to a dinosaur. The dinosaur did, though. Man, girl, your pussy extinct. He has great hair. That's not even nice to say to a dinosaur. I mean, it's true, and it is 100% true. It is extinct. But still, you don't want to say that.

That's story one. Story one, down in the books. That's how we do. All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, story two, what are we looking at in story two? Oh, a guy who committed a big crime with no follow-through. There we go. I love it.

That's part of Dumb People Town is like the lack of pre-planning. We're Tony Hinchcliffe. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. i want to also shout out this is going all throughout

december you you are in a challenge with jeremiah watkins the hilarious jeremiah watkins who can gain the most weight now you're doing it in a way to actually be a healthy person so you're exercising and doing it the right way you You're drinking tons of protein shakes. What are you doing? Yep. Protein shakes, lots of carbs at night, fat in the morning,

protein, protein. And he is just trying to get fat. He's married. He's done. He's actually, he's like, I don't have to actually look good for anything.

He's actually trying to get fat. So you're still single. No, I'm married. I just got married. Married a month ago. You got married? Yeah,

I got married. Congrats. You're off the market too. Holy crap. We're both just giving up. What does your husband think about you doing this? He's very proud of me. It's actually Jeremiah.

We married each other. He's been very quiet about it. He's been very quiet about it. What does your wife... And you guys are trying to get pregnant. What does your wife think about you doing this challenge? My wife loves it. She loves it. We are truly concerned for Jeremiah's health.

Like we, he's put 15 pounds on. This is like, and Jeremiah is, what you know about Jeremiah Watkins, if you know or don't know him, he's a part of the roast battle.

Part of the all Negro wave. Part of the all Negro wave. Part of Kill Tony. Part of Kill Tony. He plays the saxophone in the band. That's another part of the show. By the way,

another great part, a hilarious component to Kill Tony. He is a part of three of my favorite shows. Like the Roast Battle, Kill Tony, and Goddamn Comedy Jam. And so are you. I've seen you in all three. Yep.

Careless Whisper. Oh, yeah. At Moon Tower. At Moon Tower. Holy shit. One of the hardest songs to possibly sing. It is. There was a point where I was like, he can't get up this ladder.

Someone help him up. And then you know what? You couldn't. It's really hard when it's late at night and you've been drinking and hanging out all day.

So your wife is mad. Okay. She's not mad but concerned about Jeremiah's well-being. Concerned for Jeremiah. We're watching his Instagram and his stories and stuff

and it's just insane. He's like, just, I thought what you were going to say was Jeremiah will do anything to make people laugh. Absolutely true, but he's physical.

He's physical and committed to everything. You watch him do a comedy bit, he gets one. I've never seen commitment like that. So he's going to throw that commitment into that. The episode before yesterday, a week ago on Kill Tony, he ate throughout the episode. The band's characters were built around his weight gain challenge. Oh my God.

And at the end of the episode, on the air, live on the main stage of the historical comedy store, he threw up. Of course. The crowd goes crazy. I mean, he's just projectile vomiting. Rick Kozik from Jackass had just given him a birthday cake after he'd eaten chicken and bread and pizza and cereal and ice cream. He's going to hurt himself. It's getting weird. Our buddy Rob McElhenney from It's Always Sunny,

he gained 60 pounds, I believe, for the show. And he told us, like, it's just, you know, you got to eat donuts.

He was like, by the way, it was super easy. He was like, I thought it was going to be hard. It was way fucking easier than I thought it would be. But he's older than Jeremiah.

Jeremiah is only 27, 28? No, he's like 29. 29. How old are you? 33. Okay. So you guys are younger.

You can bounce back. I think Rob was like closer to 40 when he was doing it. That's crazy. So that's a little crazier and more... Like, you guys can still

do this crazy challenge for a month and not develop adult onset diabetes. Like, seven years later, then I... When you say you guys, you just mean Jeremiah

because he's actually getting in great shape. Oh, yeah. Jeremiah woke up yesterday and his face was in great shape. Oh, yeah, you're getting in great shape. Jeremiah woke up yesterday, and his face was swollen. Yeah. Like, swollen. Like, his eyes were swollen, and he looked like somebody put salt on him before he went to bed.

It's like supersized. It's like he went to bed. It's like a month ago, he was young Haley Joel Osment, and now he's like today Haley Joel Osment. And even in supersized, he was eating McDonald's, which, yeah, is horrible for you, but Jeremiah is eating stuff that has like a ton of preservatives in it. Yeah, that's bad. You understand that all the things that aren't actual natural things for you to eat are going to mess with your system and kill you and kill you.

And what's the wager? Well, if I win, he has to shave his hair on stage during Kill Tony. Oh, my God. Which is insane because his hair is the golden goose. I don't know if you're going to win. So you have to put on more weight than he puts on. You're not going to put on more weight. And if he wins, which is more than likely going to happen,

he gets to host Kill Tony, and I have to sit with the band and play a character with them. That will be so fun for you. Both fun. Both great stunts. You should play Joe Piscopo because you could eventually Because you are getting ripped.

Tune in to Kill Tony and check his Instagram. If you haven't checked the podcast out or if you haven't seen it live, is it on the website to be able to see where you can Totally. It streams live at DeathSquad.tv

and you can see it at the Comedy Store and we're going to be traveling it around. That's what I'm saying. I saw it live at Moon Tower last year, and it was one of my favorite. First of all, crazy that that guy got up and pushed Jeremiah. That was insane. On mushrooms.

Well, the idea... I mean, had you been working out like then, you probably could have handled it. You probably could have kicked his ass. I would have done. I would have jumped over Big Jay Oakerson. Big Jay Oakerson, which is a big jump, by the way. By the way, Big Jay did not make a move

to do anything to try and help. At the end, he did. He did at the end, but at first he was like, let's see how this plays out. But the idea that

everybody who shows up to your show, and this is what I kind of love about, and we're starting to do with live Dumb People Town hall meetings, is that you get an opportunity

to potentially, so people show up at the show with more angst than normally showing up to a show. Because their name could get pulled out of the bowl and then boom, you're up there. So at a moment's notice, you could be up in front of everybody doing your thing. So there is a level of nerves. There's an energy that buzzes through the crowd of that show that is amazing.

It's like I went to a show and an open mic broke out. And it is in the most beautiful way. But I actually also think about the show that one of the reasons why I love it is that I do think you and we certainly try to, when we come on the show, try to make the comedians better. Yeah. Give good advice. Yeah. It's a big part of it. I feel like sometimes we'll talk to people and we'll be like, in my mind, when they walk off the stage, I'm like, they don't even realize we just saved them nine months.

Yeah. Nine months of doing that same stupid thing that they just did. We just said, cut that out and focus on this. And we just saved you nine months. And you have to factor in the listeners that do comedy all around the world, the young bucks that take the same lessons from that thing. I have a joke that's kind of like that. Maybe I lessons from that thing I have a joke that's kind of like that maybe I should cut that

or wait I start with a true story about something from my life and a cool observation and then I go off into some weird thing

that has nothing to do with it why did I leave the truth I had the truth right there and it was killing then I go into

this other thing I mean that's what I feel like we come back sometimes if you want to find something good you got to get out of safety harbor, you know. Get a little dangerous. A great way to come back to it, Dan.

What do we have for a second story? This was sent in by Clinton Lawrence at Clinton790. He, like everybody on these shows, just hashtags Dumb People Town at Daniel Van Kirk. That's how I find the stories. Clinton did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. Oh, Clinton Lawrence?

Lawrence did. No, he definitely did not. Depends what your definition of Lawrence is. 790. Santa Ana, California. A Southern California man suspected of stealing a Ferrari was arrested after asking for gas money. This is what I'm talking about. If you're going to steal a Ferrari.

So there's two parts to any theft. There are two parts to the crime. There's the crime, and then you also have to have an equally hatched plan for the getaway. Like, I don't think that Billy the Kid, because he's a kid. You know, you think about Billy the Kid. Was he like six? No, Billy the Kid was probably like, what, 13, 14, maybe? When he first shot that guy? Was he eight? kid because he's a kid you know you think about billy the kid like most kids no billy the kid was probably like what 13 14 maybe when he first shot that guy was he eight yeah i think it was

like all right so i have like kids i have kids that are 10 12 years old like i think about them like my daughter was just i was just on the phone with her she was walking from the junior high school over to the high school and her friend didn't have a phone and it was like the world was coming to an end because her friend was on the other side of the school she had no way to get in touch with her and then she's got to go this way and she was going to walk and now she can't walk so i had to like from here organize someone to come pick her up and take her to the thing she was like i'm walking there this afternoon but didn't understand all the things you needed to do to pull that off i think billy the key had thought thought because he was a kid that i'm just going to rob one bank and this is what i'm going to do to pull that off. I think Billy the Key thought, because he was a kid, that I'm just going to rob one bank

and this is what I'm going to do. And then didn't realize that that's the life of crime. Once you're on the run, you're fucked. He didn't get that. And then he probably had a miserable life after that. Or a badass life. I don't know. This guy steals a Ferrari

and doesn't have money for gas. First of all, it's got to be premium, right? You got to get premium, yes. Yes. You can't put a regular in a Ferrari. I'm not even going to make a joke. Yeah, you got to have a regular in a Ferrari. The thought of putting unleaded in a Ferrari is just frightening to me.

Yeah. But who's like... But he probably would. This fucking guy stole a Ferrari without gas money. If you're going to steal for the life you want, be able to back it up once you have it. He didn't think it through. Santa Ana police arrested... He only thought of the theft. Israel Perez Rangel on November 1st.

He pleaded guilty. Fucking Jew. Not Jewish. Not guilty of car theft. Wow. I'm going to show you guys a picture of him. Not guilty of car theft. I'm going to show you guys a picture of him.

They say that here is an undated photo that we could find of Israel Perez. Is it a picture of him with the 1967 borders? It's weirder. It's him after freshly being beaten up by somebody. Wow. This isn't even related to this story. What happened in that picture? He just got beat up for trying to steal a Lamborghini. They never have really found peace in Israel.

They never. Rangel. In Israel. Rangel. Israel. Perez. Rangel. Perez.

Perez Rangel. Authorities say the 458, or is it 458, Spider, was brought into Costa Mesa Service Center and stolen in October after a worker left the key on the passenger seat. Oh. Yeah. So somebody who works at this place. Here's our other dumb person who's like. I just love the guy who drops it off.

He's like, you guys take good care of it? Yeah, man. We got it, man. We got you, man. What are you talking about, man? We got it, man. Relax, bro. Relax, man.

We got it. We got you, bro. Here's the craziest part of this story. Steals a Ferrari, right? Yeah, bro. Relax, man. We got it. We got you, bro. Here's the craziest part of this story. Steals a Ferrari, right? Yeah, sure. No money for gas. Makes you feel like, oh, this guy just impulse. Doesn't even think.

No. Right. Listen to this. Security video showed a man, which is Israel Perez. Israel. Rangel. In a Ferrari jacket, walking onto the lot and taking it. Yeah.

He's like, I got the jacket. What more do I need? So he was like, if I get this jacket, they're going to think I own a Ferrari. Right. But why not have money for gas? Because only dicks who own Ferraris get a Ferrari jacket. Okay. But the guy, describe for me now, Tony, the guy who has a Ferrari jacket, but no Ferrari.

Who is he? The guy with the Ferrari jacket that doesn't have the Ferrari. I mean, wow. Usually an Uber driver or something like that. Like an Uber X driver. Camry or Corolla or something like that. And it's like, is your other car a Ferrari? No.

But I'm telling you guys, he also has a keychain. A Ferrari keychain. Just a number of spritzes. How many spritzes of cologne does that guy put on? Ferrari jacket, no Ferrari. Between passengers riding in his Uber. 24. There you go. how many spritzes of cologne does that guy put on between between passengers riding in a zoo 24 straight spritzes

according to this article Israel Perez Rangel Perez Rangel puts 23 spritzes of cologne that's not true why would they document that Santa Ana police corporal Anthony Bertanga said officers subsequently responded to a report of a Ferrari driving erratically and stopped at an intersection,

probably because he doesn't know how to drive it, and to another call that the driver was asking for gas money. Where? The exotic car was spotted at a gas station where the driver ran off and was found arrested later behind bushes near a Holiday Inn. Did you steal that Ferrari? No, but I did hide out next to a Holiday Inn. Part of me wants it not.

Not a Hilton. Not at the Spritz Carlton. Not a Holodome. Do you remember Holodomes? I do remember Holodomes and it was all about the ping pong. Spritz Carlton. Are you laughing at Spritz Carlton. Do you remember hollow domes? I do remember hollow domes and it was all about the ping pong. Spritz Carlton. Are you laughing at Spritz Carlton? Spritz Carlton is fantastic. It's at Tony Hinchcliffe.

If you want to send any complaints. The Los Angeles Times says the car was trashed with emblems torn from the body, cracked fins, and a destroyed gearbox. Why steal this car and then ruin it? Cracked fins? This sounds like the inflatable shark. Exactly. We're back to that. story i'm gonna ask you guys how much was the ferrari valued at that he stole oh my god i'm gonna give you a hint okay no don't give any hints okay let's just

straight up do it you guys give a guess what position would you like to enter this contest in tony i'm gonna go number one again okay i. He's feeling it. I like it like this. He's feeling it. I'm just going to stay in this zone. It's a 458 Spyder Ferrari. What year? It doesn't say, but I'm going to assume it's very new. Okay. I'm going to go with $170,000.

$170,000. You know, I'm not going to take my Ferrari to the dealership that will always take care of me. I'm going to run to this other place over here in Santa Clara. It's like a specialty care center. Yeah, I'll just let them take care of it. What's the worst that could happen? What did you say, $176,000?

$170,000 flat. $170,000 flat. I think it's $120,000. $120,000. Because it has depreciated a little bit. Okay, all right. Jason Sklar. $240,000.

$240,000. $240,000. $240,000K. I'm going to tell you guys right now, there are people listening to this quiz shaking their heads. At us? Yes. Why?

Because the estimated value of a 458 Spyder Ferrari is $300,000. What? See, I knew. I was on the way. I was on the road to find out. Okay, that tells you that we're all just comics working. Yeah,000. What? See, I knew. I was on the way. I was on the road to find out. Okay, that tells you that we're all just comics working together. Like Joe Rogan knows how much a Ferrari 450 is. How much for the jacket?

That's what the guy said before he stole it. $300,000 for the jacket. The Daily Times said insurers paid the owner who used the money to buy a 2018 Lamborghini Huracan. So he made out well on this deal, but he switched from Ferrari to Lamborghini. That's story number two, guys. Oh, my God. We'll have story number three. It involves an animal in a liquor store.

I love it. All the ingredients for a great moment. I imagine that most of the animals that come around at night are slightly drunk yeah I saw a couple of squirrels

going up a fence the other day and I was like one of them is wasted yeah on what I don't know just ground wine cough syrup

scissor maybe we don't know alright let's we'll get to that story right after the break we got Tony Hinchcliffe with us

Tony Hinchcliffe with us we'll beinchcliffe with us. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town Rap. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. You do know that your name is dangerously close to the Andy Kaufman character, Tony Clifton. Yes. Another famous comedian.

What if this is the character that Bob Zmuda is now trying to portray is Tony Hinchcliffe? And he's building a career, a solid comedy career, a great comedy career of a young comedian, only to in the end reveal that it is in fact Bob Zmuda. Have you guys seen the jim carey documentary jim and andy yeah it's unbelievable i want to see it i really do i have yet to see it what did you think of it unbelievable yeah i loved it too dude it's real i feel like it's the first time we've really gotten insight into jim carey like do you think that that's the role that really sent him off on this whole thing i think there's i think

he didn't talk about you know making a ton of money and all that stuff like i would have loved to have seen him talk more about like what he was really going through through that period of having to make decisions on what to work on but other than that to see how insane he was and how i think another thing of interesting about that documentary is that it's i i felt an implication that he thought he was going to win oscars and stuff and that's what the documentary that he decided to shoot was actually going to be about. It was about him being in character and being so methodical and everything. And we find out, you know, years and years and years later that it just wasn't that way. It wasn't looked at.

The crazy thing was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That, I felt like he deserved Oscar. The crazy thing about that is- That's such an unbelievable movie. He hated that movie. No, his life was actually in that place. So again, he didn't really have to go anywhere else. So it was more of the same.

He was just as true to that character because that's what he felt like. I rewatched that movie recently. That movie holds up. First of all, David Cross, unbelievable in it. And the other thing about it that was great about that movie is you saw that when the vision of the director is stronger than the star itself

and he has to adhere to what Michelle Gondry is doing. Michelle Gondry is like, this is how you have to be. I want you to basically, you, Jim Carrey, the most animated actor, comedy actor of our time.

I'm going to make you throw every single line away. Every single fucking line. You got to eat it and you got to throw it away. And you can't put it on my favorite. I mean, it was essentially the same performance he gave in Ace Ventura. But I mean, other than that, it was, you know. It was a little Ace Ventura-y. Tony will back me up on this.

There's guys, there's parts. So when that movie came out, he was still like the majestic, the masked, I'm a dumbass, like all of these. Then you watch him be interviewed around that time by Oprah Winfrey, and you're like, wow, you are so fucking fake. He thought he was being this thing he was supposed to be, and you can see the difference. But there's parts in that where he's as Tony Clifton. They're like, hey, will you tell Jim something? He's like, no.

I'm not going to tell Jim. He's a coward. He's a coward. He wants everybody to like him. He's a piece of shit I'm not going to tell Jim. He's a coward. He's a coward. He wants everybody to like him. He's a piece of shit who just wants people to like him. He's not trying to do anything real in his life. And he was saying all these things about himself. Things that he probably thinks about himself, but as a different character. And he hadn't dealt with any of that yet.

Oh, my God. And the director had to talk to sometimes Tony or Andy or Jim and talk about the other people. Yeah. And one time he was like, he begged Clifton to like have Jim call him because he couldn't talk. Jim was never around. And so then he called, Jim called him that night as himself and was like, hey, Tony said that you wanted to talk to me.

And he's like, yeah, you know, I just, it's so hard right now. It's so hard. And then he goes, well, do you want me? Jim said to him, this is in the documentary, he he goes well do you want me jim said to him this is in the documentary he goes well you could fire them you could fire andy and tony because i could probably do a good impression of them if you want me to come do the role yeah and the director's like no we don't have to fire them i just wanted to talk to jim crazy. He says it's sort of fun to work with him. I sort of like it.

Do you feel like you would ever have broken and been like, okay, look, it's me. I realize I've gone too far. Yes. Dude, there's parts where you're like, how do you not finally be like, okay, I'm sorry. But he just keeps going. I think because he, look, I got to give him.

He's on a whole different level. Right. He's on another level. And I think, you you know the crazy thing is that that's he wasn't being Jim Carrey in that instance he was trying to be

as Andy Kaufman no he thinks he he still thinks he was Andy Kaufman yes yeah Andy Kaufman took over his body

and flew through him and sometimes maybe that's what you need to give the performance that he gave I actually thought he did a really good performance another crazy thing

you'll see in this documentary is a lot of Andy's family and agents and managers and stuff hanging out with Jim like totally just treating him like it is Andy. Yeah, Andy's dad.

Right. Well, they're getting joy out of they're not trying to make Jim happy. They're using it for themselves like really treating him like

So there is something to that. I will say this and then we'll move on to this last story because our buddy Gar Rynest do you know the batting stance guy? Have you ever seen him? He's phenomenal. He can do every batting stance in the last 50 years.

It's like the greatest. Oh, I love that. Go watch his, and I recommend to everybody who's listening to this, go watch his performance on Letterman. You can find it very easily. He makes Dave laugh so hard. He does all the idiosyncrasies that the batters do and just makes it really funny.

And every single thing that he does interprets it as a joke. Right. It's unbelievable. So he over-exaggerates, but in just the best way and nails it. So he was doing something down in, I want to say, North Carolina. And it was like a corporate gig. The way we would do a corporate gig, he was doing it. And there were some ex-ball players and stuff there.

And he, at a certain point, just opens it up to the audience and says, Who do you want to see? Who do you want to see? If you shout it out, I'll do it. And someone, at a certain point, just opens it up to the audience and says, who do you want to see? I'll do, if you shout it out, I'll do it. And someone said, Willie Stargell. He's like,

all right, I don't do a great Willie Stargell, but you know, and he starts doing like a pops Willie Stargell thing. And he does the famous home run where he jumps up in the air. And he of course nailed it. But in his own brain, he's like,

that's not the best one that I do. And a woman comes running down from the back of the room. A beautiful woman. Beautiful black woman in like her early 50s. Comes running down from the back of the room, holds up her phone and says, do it again, do it again, and records him doing it. And he's like, okay.

And he does it again and she leaves. And then after the show, people are coming up to him after the show and he's like sees this woman he said i no one's ever done that to me i gotta tell you that uh that is amazing that that impression resonated with you so much she came up to him and gave him the biggest hug and and would not let go he was like longer than family members have hugged me. And he's a very loving person. And she said, that was my husband. Wow. She said, for the time that you were just screwing around and doing him up there, in the moments up there, I felt like I was watching him again.

I felt like he was back to life because he had died. Unbelievable. So I can understand. Talk about angels in the outfield. Story gave me the willies. Start there, Jules. Story gave me the willies. Stargazers. Folks. All right.

So I can understand why that is what it is. Thank you, Tony, for making light of that beautiful story. Thank you for undercutting it. All right. We've got one more story. Let's get to it. Here we go. Sent in by Chris Raggard.

Tony's got to leave. He's got to work out again. At Chris Raggard. R-A-G-G-A-R-D. Yeah. Okaloosa Island? Okaloosa? Okaloosa? Maybe.

You know what I guarantee? You know what I love about Dumb People Town? They always tell me how to say it right. There you go. Okaloosa. I think it's Okaloosa. To me, that sounds... And I mean that sincerely. I have no idea.

Okaloosa. Okaloosa. We're going back to back on words. Might be in terms of like eye stuff. Oculusa. And an opossum. Did you guys know that the correct term for possum is opossum? Yeah.

Opossum. Yeah. I had heard that before. Well, we just don't, generally, we don't care. No. It's like the D in Fitzgerald. You're playing a game of an opossum. Right.

Nobody does that, right? No. It's just possum. Yeah. I always thought it was possum. Me too. Playing possum. An opossum that snuck into a liquor store

and apparently helped itself to a few drinks the day after Thanksgiving. Damn. But I think all those animals are a little fucked up. No, man. Being with family is hard. Hearing about this one, I think it's pronounced opossum.

Oh, opossum. What'd you do this? It's a companion show to BoJack Horseman. Opossum. An opossum snuck into a liquor store and apparently helped itself

to a few drinks the day after Thanksgiving. Jason, I loved what you said. Thanksgiving is hard. You know, you see family. It brings up a lot of stuff. It's like when I see someone doing comedy and they're not good at it, I'm never like, you're bad. I'm like, comedy's hard. You see family, it brings up a lot of stuff. When I see someone doing comedy and they're not good at it, I'm never like, you're bad.

I'm like, comedy's hard. Comedy's hard. Look at it from that perspective. It's hard. Thanksgiving's hard. Thanksgiving's hard, man. Michelle Pettis, a wildlife technician. I thought that was the name of the opossum.

The opossum. Michelle Pettis. A wildlife technician at the refuge said the juvenile female opossum was brought in by a Fort Wayne Beach police officer on November 24th. I mean, the toughest part of the story is that she was pregnant. Help me figure out this place. He said... Baby, opossum babies having opossum babies.

Drink it while having them. That is a problem in that community. The police officer said, a Cash's Liquor Store employee at the AJ's on the Bayou location. What are they doing down here? it's like eight different store names cash's liquor store employee at the aj's on the bayou location that is this has got to be in new orleans aj's on the bayou florida it's got to be like a shopping center yeah and then this liquor store is in the shopping center it's a a Cash's Liquor Store inside AJ's on the Bayou shopping center. One of the only places where opossums really get their groove on. Right, get their liquor.

Cash's Liquor Store only accepts Apple Pay. Yep. Just heads up. That's not true. I can't wait to see people go to this. By the way, for all of our- If you have the courage to go to this place, take a picture. If you can handle opossums drinking opossum is drinking in your face.

I love that it's a young female just getting drunk. More like ho-possum. Yeah! That dirty, rotten rodent. The possum broke in and an empty bottle of alcohol was found laying next to it the next morning after Thanksgiving. Like most people. I'm going to say possum. I don't like opossum.

I'm saying possum. A worker there found the possum up on the shelf next to a cracked bottle of liquor with nothing in it, Pettis said. Assuming the possum drank it all, he brought her to us and we looked her over and she definitely wasn't fully acting normal. I hope that means these cops gave this possum a sobriety test.

Oh, hell yes. Can you follow my finger? Walk the line. Walk on two legs. Not on four. On two legs. Not taking this four-leg shit. Pettis said the opossum appeared disoriented.

Can you, like, that would be like, not on your, stop. Get up. Get up. Get up. Pettis. Sir. Stop singing. Sir.

Stop singing. Ma'am. Stop singing. Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am. singing ma'am ma'am ma'am you assholes ma'am just do the alphabet starting with do you know what i had to do yesterday ma'am all night i was at that marshall's trying to find a sweater ma'am ma'am you're a sweater fits if the sweater fits you must acquit you don't even talk to me with rhymes pettis said the possum appeared disoriented was

excessively salivating and and appeared to be pale. That is also the way we've described so many people on Stories and Dumb People. That was me on Thanksgiving. How do they know what possums normally act like and look like?

This could be like regular behavior post-Thanksgiving. I don't know. Did they say the type of liquor? Whiskey, I believe. Yeah, I feel like that's what I read.

It wasn't in this one but i heard it somewhere else how did it get the bottle open like it knocked it well okay we'll knock it in all right okay pettis said the drunken possum was a first for her she added that the possum quote was fairly large that's why be rude and was curious as to how she was able to break into the liquor store she said the possum did not appear to have a hangover. Why? How do you know that? How do you know that? He has to tell you if he has a hangover.

It's a she, and she probably never said shh to anybody. Right. Cash Moore, who owns the liquor store. What? Cash Moore's liquor store would have been better than Cash's liquor store. Cash Moore is a better name than Cash Levy. Right. And that's a great name.

Said the possum had gotten into a bottle of bourbon. There it was. Okay. Moore added that as far as he knew, she was 21 years old. We don't need your jokes, sir. That is a terrible joke. Say it. Say it, Jay. Comedy's hard. I said comedy's hard. I was going to say that's what Roy Moore said. Rejector ID. Exactly what Roy Moore said. Cashmore, the greatest Moore

we've met. As far as I know, Cashmore is the Roy Moore of caches. Alright, fine. She came in from the outside and was up in the rafters and when she came through, she knocked a bottle of liquor off the shelf, Moore said. When she got down on the floor, she drank the whole damn bottle. He's pissed about it. Yeah, just like your Aunt Linda. Yeah.

They could have added that at the end of that sentence. She knocked it on the floor and drank the whole damn bottle. Are we saying that the possum's dumb or Cash Moore's dumb? No, sometimes things also just happen

in Dumb People Town. A possum getting drunk the day after Thanksgiving is a Dumb People Town occurrence. It is, but I do think he's a little bit dumb for trying to be funny about it.

Right. Like he's being... Yeah, I was a 21-year-old. I think he was 21. No, that's not funny. Well, he was of age. It was a she. It-old. I think it was 21. No, that's not funny. Well, he was of age. Where was she? It was, you know, these ladies and their bourbon.

Sir, that isn't even appropriate to say on any level. She didn't even bother to shave her legs. She doesn't need to for you, sir. Also, that's an animal. It wouldn't matter if that was a human, sir. She's pale. She didn't even wake up when I was banging her. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You know what? Let's talk to you more if you're going to say things like that. Man, no more of that cashmere. Agreed. Agreed.

Not in dumb people's town. One could almost say that opossum mount cashmere. Oh. What? Tony. More added... Tony Hinchcliffe. Is there editing?

No, no. It's all in. It's all in. More added that, quoteinchcliffe. Is there editing? Nope. It's all in. It's all in. More added that, quote, it was the first time in my life he had a possum break into his store and drink his alcohol and that it was pretty unusual. Yeah. Yeah. Which means he's great against other things.

Pretty unusual? This would be the story that you... If it's the first time it's happened in your life, it is remarkably unusual. This is the craziest thing I've ever seen. Quote, we'll get out of here on this from Cashmore. But it just goes to show that even the animals are impressed with cashes.

No, it proves that anyone could come steal from you. So he's trying to make a commercial out of it. Right. He's trying to make this about his... Even wildlife wants to

come to my shitty liquor store. I know. He's just making it about himself. Yeah. Cashmore. He's a lot of third person from Cashmore,

I feel like. It's like when Trump sees like blacks for Trump people in the audience. That's what Cashmore's doing. He's like, opossums for cash. Let's build on this.

Let's build on it. Let's build a whole campaign around it. No, you paid that guy to sit there. He's not there for you. And they stole your liquor. Right.

So how about opossums? I think you have a horrible security system. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Are you promoting the fact that your place is easy to break into? Yep. That's essentially what you're promoting. Criminals can't

keep their hands off of Cashmore's Liquor at AJ's by the Bayou at Okalosa. In Okalosa, Florida. Too many locations. Enough with the laughter. Come through the rafters at Cash's.

There it is. We have a huge security breach. Cash, no one was laughing. I don't understand why you would bring that up. If you're small and tiny, get off your hiney and come on down to Cash. Do you want to drink like you're awesome then be an opossum i mean tony you need to be you need to get into some sort of copywriting are you filled with dirty rashes then get your liquor at cash are you a dirty opossum whore well meet my friend cash more okay well my name's cash more uh

friend cashmore okay well my name's cashmore uh wow that's it look at that got into the animal kingdom's dumbness yeah we started out with an inflatable shark and ended with a drunk possum i can't believe that we're done and that the opossum was 21 keep shooting it he is just a sniper all right well before we get out of here speaking of drinking and getting drunk and not really... I imagine this guy probably has gotten drunk with an opossum or two. Probably. Like, he's definitely somebody... Or he's played one in a movie. Or fed...

Yeah, didn't he play... Was Rango an opossum? No, Rango was a gecko. It's a lizard. All right, whatever. It's a lizard. All right. A new sport with a gentleman who is trying to get a league off the ground.

I don't know if this is a direction he should go in, given the problems he's had. Yes. But he, with him, anything is possible. He's a $20 million man, as far as movies are concerned. Johnny Depp. Captain Jack Sparrow. Johnny Depp, welcome.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I was just sitting outside wondering when I was going to come in. Oh, you're in. You're in, man. You're totally in. We didn't want to make you wait at all. Now, you have an idea for a whole new sport.

Absolutely. You feel like might revolutionize. Well, it's the same sport all. Now, you have an idea for a whole new sport. Absolutely. You feel like might revolutionize. Well, it's the same sport with a different twist on it. But might revolutionize the world of sports. Yeah, it is lingerie hockey. Wait, hold on a second. That, I don't want to, you know, poke a hole in already what seems like. No, I want to hear it.

Let's hear it. Lingerie hockey is basically the same thing as hockey with lingerie. Yeah. But what you would want to do is get the women involved in- Of course it'd be with the hockey. It'd be a female hockey team and they're all wearing lingerie. Because women can do the same things as men. Yeah, but the lingerie doesn't, you feel like, does that make them-

Well, nobody would watch it if you didn't put them in lingerie. I don't know about that. A lot of people would watch women's hockey. U.S. women's hockey team is pretty good. Well, this is my idea, guys. Right. Sorry. I'm going to take the would watch women's hockey. U.S. women's hockey team is pretty big. Well, this is my idea, guys. Right. Sorry. I'm going to take the full lead on this one.

But I was thinking that maybe instead of hockey pucks, we play with bottles of wine. What? And we walk around with gold and maybe have a sales ship in the middle. It feels like you're just rehashing Pirates of the Caribbean. I know that was a big success for you The new one's coming out later But I'm not talking about that now What I'm talking about is a new sport For women

Women in lingerie Women are equals I think when you put them in lingerie And have them play hockey Which is why people would want to see it It might be why some people would want to see it But it does undercut your statement that women are equals.

Sure, but name the three top things in America right now. Lingerie. No. Hockey. Pirates of the Caribbean. I don't know if hockey and lingerie are the number...

Maybe in Canada. He might be right in Canada, but I don't know about... But I don't know about... In America, it's a stated fact. It says right there on CNN, America's wine, hockey, lingerie. I don't know what CNN you're looking at, but I do wish you luck. CNN Go.

CNN Go is not a thing. It is on Apple TV. Okay. Well, thanks for coming by. I wish you all the luck. I wish you all the luck. I wish you would watch the sport. We will. I think if you're able to get it off and running, lingerie you all the luck. I wish you all the luck. I wish you would watch the sport. We will.

I think, you know, if you're able to get it off and running, lingerie football went out there against all odds. And it actually worked. But you're actually proposing lingerie hockey, but proposing that they play no hockey, that they just walk around in lingerie with bottles of wine. Around the spaceship. Oh, not spaceship.

Now you're getting me all confused. See, now we got them all confused. I ran just walking around with bottles of wine and gold is absurd, but on a spaceship, now it makes sense. No, he's talking about a pirate ship.

Well, I'll do a spaceship if you guys watch it. All right, there you go. Johnny Depp, dude, thank you for joining us. I don't trust Johnny Depp. I'm not a fan. I agree.

I'm on board with all the people who are mad. He constantly sounds like he's burping. Or that he won't open his mouth up. Yeah. Johnny Depp. I'm not a fan. I agree. I'm on board with all the people who are mad. He constantly sounds like he's burping. Or that he won't open his mouth up. Yep. Johnny Depp has stopped opening his mouth to a full capacity. I don't trust anyone who can't open their mouth to a full capacity. Yeah, sure.

I didn't trust Springsteen for a while when he couldn't do it. Remember when Bruce Springsteen couldn't open his mouth? Yep. I mean, Kanye, when he sang Through the Wire. Yeah. You know, that's how the lead singer of Chicago started singing like that, was he got beat up when he was younger, and they wired his jaw shut, and they kept him shut.

Peter Cetera? Yeah. Wow. So he started digging deep, hitting higher notes. Wow. Yeah. There you go. A fun fact from Tony Hinchcliffe.

Yes. Dude, you were awesome. Thank you for doing this show. Speaking of Chicago, I'm going to be performing there in the middle of January there we go are you really Zany's yes Rosemount

which I love and I'm going to be in Philly the last weekend of Philly at Helium where can people find all of your dates all of my dates are TonyHinchcliffe.com and

I'm going absolutely everywhere this year so I love it man and we're bringing Kill Tony on the road check him out and check that out where it's live. And I'm hoping

it's going to be at Moon Tower again and maybe we can get you guys on and I can play with you guys. We will most definitely come do it

if you need people on the panel and we will definitely have you come join us on the old ping pong and yes, let's make that happen. Guys,

get your tickets for the live Dumb People Town which will be at Sketch Fest in San Francisco on Sunday the 21st. We're doing a headline set at Café du Nord, I believe, the night before.

But come check that out. It's going to be at 1 p.m. We're going to try and sell that thing out at Cobb's Comedy Club. It's going to be a blast. And then in New York. In February. In February. I think that show is selling out, and we will add a second one.

We haven't announced who it will be yet, but I believe that show is selling out at the Bell House on February 25th. That's a Sunday night in New York. We're doing it there and then, of course, at Moon Tower

and beyond. We have good things coming up. So, guys, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.