Dumb People Town - Tony Sam - Love Boys

Episode Date: April 1, 2022

This week Tony Sam comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. This week's story is a dramatic attempt to recover someone's snow blower.Try HEADSPACE at HEADSPACE.COM/DPT and get one month FREE of their entire mindfulness library.Head to FAHERTYBRAND.com/DPT and use code DPT at checkout to snag 20% off ALL your new spring staples.

Skypains, out of here. Hey guys, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Sam. Tony. Anthony, Tony, Sam. Hello, good to know you. Hello, how are you? Fantastic to see you. Hell of a good time. Good to have you. Chicago guy, LA friend. How are you? Long time friend. I'm pretty good, you know. I don't know. You know, I was just thinking about your guys' bowling alley birthday party. Oh, that was a good time. Do you know that? That was like three weeks.

That was three weeks before we met. So that was pre-VK? Was that our 40th birthday party? Yeah, it was your 40th. Pre-VK. What was the name of that town? That was Montrose. Montrose.

It's a beautiful little up kind of near, it's like up Pasadena Way, Eagle Rock, that sort of way. But it's just north of Eagle Rock. But it was a really lovely little two-lane, four-lane bowling alley. It was really cool. Fun times? Fun times? We wrecked the place. We rocked it.

Just destroyed it. Ruined it. Anyway, you just did a fantastic little bit for us in our show, our new show that's The Nosebleeds. You were fantastic. When anyone calls me to be an awkward masturbating man, I rise up to the challenge.

I thought you were saying they call you while you're being that. When anybody calls me while I'm already being an awkward masturbating man. Guys, can I get back to you? I'm in the middle of this. Just let me finish. Can I finish? Can I finish? You were amazing. If you want to watch him, he'll be on the nosebleeds.

And he was great. Here's the thing, Tony. The world is getting dumber. Lay it down for me. I'm going to lay it way down for you. The world's getting dumber. The world's getting dumber, and we need to do it. And we have to document it and make fun of the dumb.

And Dan gets stories. So our fans send us stories, and Dan's got one right now. Let's jump into it. Ready? Yeah. Sent in by first, Liz, or third. That's what she changed her name to, but her handle's still the same, at Liz Haggerty. The gentleman, Liz Haggerty.

I know. I appreciate it. I love her. Regular contributor. Regular contributor. And anybody can be that, Kirk. All you have to do is hashtag dumb people down, at Daniel Van Kirk, on Twitter. Include those two things in your link.

So Liz Haggerty sends a lot of stuff, and so does Carlene McDermott. She be Carlene. She be Carlene. Jake Crony. In my brain, I think they're friends. I think that they're friends. Jake Crony. Late Night Nachos is another one.

These guys are all friends. In cahoots. Right. They work in a little bullpen. They work in the dumb bullpen. I think they would like each other. They have weekly meetings. Yeah, they sit down like TMZ.

What do you got this week for me? That's right. And their father, Cecina, she does too. Father, Cecina. Okay, let's do it. All right, all right. Okay, ready? As I take a dramatic sip of tea.

Take a big sip of tea. Motorist busted for plowing truck into car carrying snowblower thieves. Wait, the car was carrying snowblower thieves? Yes, and so a truck plowed into it. Why is he arrested? Who? The truck. So who got arrested? I have so many questions already.

Wait, that's what the person said. They just said a headline. They're just people that steal things? They're what's being transported? Motorist busted for plowing truck into car carrying snowblower thieves. So a guy was like, that car's full of carrying snowblower thieves. So a guy was like,

that car's full of fucking snowblower thieves. I'm going to plow into that. So he saw them for what they were. Right. Snowblower thieves. You know what it's kind of like? And I swear to God, I didn't think of this until just now. Anybody who ever thinks we play in any of this, I barely remember these stories. The scene in The Jerk

when he's like, you regular... This guy was like, these goddamn snowblower thieves. I'm going to get them. They're up to something. Someone's letting these snowblower thieves into our country. That snowblower. I don't care where they come from.

That snowblower that's sticking out the back of that car. I'm not going to let this kind of behavior be normalized. Listen, I know snowblowers are supposed to take snow and throw it all over the place, but that one looks hot. A Wisconsin man. Of course. I hope there's somebody up damn near Eagle River.

Take a breath, David. Take a breath, David. Who's a news fella who does the news for the local radios. Take a breath, David. It's a radio fella who does the news for the local radios. Take a breath, David. It's a radio half-phone by the church and the college. And he does the news. And all the news he gives, he's very professional, but he is pissed off. We don't care about his news.

A Wisconsin man. That's a little quivering. A Wisconsin man. Man. It's almost got two syllables. Two syllables. Man. Man.

It's almost got two syllables. A Wisconsin man is facing a felony charge after using his truck to T-bone a vehicle carrying two people who had just stolen a snowblower from his family's garage. So he was willing to risk vehicular manslaughter for T-boning them. I mean, did you miss the Wisconsin part? They took his snowblower. I got this. Not sacrilege. Not today. He's having his own Wisconsin version of falling down. Not on my

watch. He stopped at Mars Cheese Castle. The Mouse House exit 132. I watched a scene from Falling Down the other day. How? You're scrolling? It was the one where he walks onto the golf course with guns. I forgot that part. I remember from falling down the other day. How? You're scrolling? Maybe it was on... No, no. It was the one where he walks onto the golf course with like guns.

I forgot that part. I remember the fast food part. And the guy has a heart attack. Isn't the fast food one where he wants breakfast and they're not serving it anymore? Right, right. This is also like at the time, we were like, wow, so edgy.

Now we're like, oh, just another like angry white male. So you're the hero? Toxic masculinity. You're the hero? Okay. I'm sorry, are we talking're the hero? Toxic masculinity. You're the hero? Okay. I'm sorry, are we talking about the Joker? Yeah. There we go.

It's not the Joker. So you're right. It's not the Joker. It's just Joker. Great perspective from Tony Sam. This guy's willing to risk vehicular manslaughter to plow in and make his point. According to Caps, Corey Sanderson. Perfect Wisconsin.

Corey Sanderson. Corey Sand name. Corey Sanderson. Corey Sanderson. Wrestled in high school. Yes. Sanderson landscaping. Not worth McCheese. No. Not worth.

Corey Sanderson, right? Someone in his family owns a furniture business. That's right. Guaranteed. Come down to Sanderson's. We got love boys and happy. What are the chats? Love boys.

Love seats. Lazy boys and love seats. Lazy Love Boys and Happy. What are the chants? Love Seats. Lazy Boys and Love Seats. Lazy Boys and Love Seats. I got a nephew. He moved out to the West Coast. He's into them Love Boys. We don't talk to him anymore. We've got Off-Brand Lazy Boys and Off-Brand Love Seats.

We've got Love Boys and Lazy Seats. Love Boy, ask for it by name. Everybody's working for the weekend. Love boy. Last Saturday, lightning struck my uncle, and that's why we're going to take that opportunity to give you and slash prices on these love boys. In 2001, the Taliban attacked our freedom.

That's why we're declaring a war on high prices. That's a real commercial, right? That was us doing an impression of Brooke Dubman from Carol House Furniture. A tornado ripped through the showroom and now all that damaged stuff can be yours. According to

cops, Corey Sanderson intentionally plowed into the driver's side of a getaway car as it turned onto a street a few blocks from his Madison residence. Madison. How many times do you think this guy was like, you done messed with the

wrong people? The vehicle's occupants, a man and a woman, suffered serious but non-life-threatening injuries. But it was serious. You don't take a snowblower. And were transported late Monday night to a local hospital. non-life-threatening injuries. But it was here. You don't take a snowblower. That's the state capitol. And were transported late Monday night to a local hospital, investigators say. Sanderson told Madison Police Department officers that he, quote, saw two people steal a Briggs and Stratton snowblower from his garage.

He had to give the name. And began following them in his truck. What if it was just a regular Toro? No. Now you let them take it. Goddamn Briggs? No, the goddamn Briggs and Stratton. The Briggs and Stratton? Oh, jeez. B-N-S.

I want to find out how much a Briggs and Stratton. You don't have to, because I'm about to ask you. The snowblower is valued at how much money? I want to say $1,299. $1,299 for a Briggs and Stratton. That's a B and S. Come on. Did a B and99 for a Briggs and Stratton. That's a B&S. Come on. Did a B&E on a B&S?

A B&S. The hell you keep taking my snowball. I'll kill your ass. Who's the closest without going over? No, we can go over. It's just a pin, babe. You said $1,299. I'm going to say $879.

$879. $879. Dude, I think these things are expensive. I think it's like $2,900. No, you're crazy. Am I crazy? Am I crazy? I was with you, and then you kicked that back.

I don't know. It's a BNS. It's a BNS, Tony. What are you talking about? In one breath, Tony goes, yeah, these things are expensive. That's crazy. How dare you? It's like $2,900.

You went across the line. You tiptoed it, and then you kicked it. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll find out how much it's worth. Plus, eventually, you're going to get to see this guy who takes matters into his own vehicle. I'm on the edge of my life. We'll be right back. And when we come back, we'll hear about everything we have going on, everything Tony has going on.

And we'll have more fun right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more at Old People Town. this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. If you want to follow Tony

Sam on social media, how can they... Where can they get those pizza pics? Alright, it's really long, so just get a pen right now. Start writing it up. It's at T-O-E-K-N-E-E-S-A-M. At Toe Knee Sam. Easy to remember.

Not T-O-E. T-O. Or is it T-O-E? T-O-E. Now look what you've done. You've thrown a monkey wrench in the hole. T-O-E-K-N-E-E. I double-dipped.

Tell your brother to be Toe Knee Sam. Toe Knee Sam. This is Toe Knee Sam. Your toe, your knee, and a Sam. There you go. All right. Follow him. He's great.

See him live. Yeah. What do you got going on? You still doing your monthly show? Yeah, we got our monthly show at the Hollywood Improv. The world famous Hollywood Improv. I loved it. 414 is the next one.

I loved it when we did it. I love it when we do anything. Yeah. It was like a month ago. Right. So much fun. Yeah. It's a great show.

It's a great show. Character. We're back. Fun stuff. I love it. I love. Character. We're back. Fun stuff. I love it. I love it too. We're back. Daniel, you got shows coming up?

I'm on tour, so I don't know exactly when this drops. I imagine it's actually coming up. But I'm going to be in, where am I? East Coast? New York, Albany, Worcester, Boston, Philadelphia for a couple nights, and then Moon Tower. We're doing a live Dump People Tower. Live Dump People Tower. I'll be doing a whole bunch of sets and a live Pen Pals there, plus doing a show that Ryan Sickler and I Moon Tower. We're doing a live Dump People Tower. Live Dump People Tower. I'll be doing a whole bunch of sets and a live

Pen Pals there plus doing a show that Ryan Sickler and I developed together. It's the living wake of Chris Redd. Great idea. You know how a roast

is like 90% biting and 10% I really love this person? Invert that. There you go. So it's comedy and fun and love and stories

and stuff like that with Chris Redd. Let's say all the things we wish we'd say to people while they're here. It's like a boast. Yeah. Yeah, it's a boast.

And so that's happening at Moon Tower. And then right after that, I will be in Asheville, Atlanta, Savannah, Mobile, Alabama. And New Orleans and San Antonio. But everything is up at DanielVanKirk.com, plus a whole bunch of digital stuff I do, which is super, super fun. I can't wait for Moon Tower. It's going to be a blast. Oh, my gosh. We'll be in Seattle on the 14th and 15th of May

at the Crocodile. I love it. We've got dates we'll have for our fall stuff, and then, of course, we're busily working on the nosebleeds, which will be out. We're editing that over the course of the next several weeks. I cannot wait to present this show for you guys.

You can get it on UFC Fight Pass. For people who, everywhere we go, when we go to a town, the one thing we get over and over is people are like, when are you bringing back cheap seats? Well, we're doing it. It's called The Nosebleeds. It's so funny. And it's going to be out on Fight Pass UFC. We'll tell you guys how to get it. It's really, really funny. It's a great thing.

And a lot of it is due to the jokes I wrote. Yeah, but it was great. Those are getting cut. No, those are all... I know, I know. Dan gave Andy Richter one of the best ad lib. Yeah, and you have to watch the show to see it. See what it is. Just the Jon Hamm thing alone, people should tune in.

Jon Hamm made a acting decision in the middle of a bit that he was doing that I'm still laughing about. I did not tell him to do it. How much money did we think a Briggs and Stratton. He said $1,299. I said $879 raised to $2,900. Well, I have it here that the big Briggs and Stratton that this guy was willing and did try to kill a couple people over was $559. Oh, I said it.

They've gotten cheaper. They're like printers. I mean, I thought there was a supply chain issue that drove prices up. No, there isn't. How about me? I thought there was a supply chain issue that drove prices up. No, there isn't. Oh, okay. How about me? I thought it was unbelievable. You're insane.

You can get as mad as you want about a snowblower being stolen. 500 bucks is a lot. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you meant two. You should not. I thought you meant two. You should not be running people off the road over one, and no matter what you do, she ain't coming back.

She ain't coming back. You talking about the snowblower or his ex wife? Okay. He reportedly admitted intentionally T-boning the other vehicle. Yeah, I did it. She ain't coming back. You talking about the snowblower or his ex-wife? He reportedly admitted intentionally t-boning the other vehicle. Yeah, I did it! I did it damn right! You're damn right! Prompting cop to arrest him on felony

reckless endangerment charges, which is great because they have to go I wasn't going to do it. I thought it was funny at first and then my wife gave me a look and then I went out there and I t-boned the guy. The cops will be like, yeah, we're going to go arrest them, but also idiot, we have to go arrest you too. Can I tell you, I really relate to this guy because when I first moved to LA, I had a scooter stolen.

Yeah, a scooter. I ride one still. What was it, $2,900? No, no. Pre-Vespa. It was a Honda Ruckus. You want to get in a scruffle with me? A kerfuffle?

I'll get your Honda Ruckus and get over here. Stole it midday. Wow. I went looking for it. I'm sure you did. I drove around and I saw someone on a Honda Ruckus and I followed, you better believe I followed him for miles into a convenience store. And then what happened?

And I went in to approach him and then I got scared. That's right. And I just let it go. I said, well, the universe wants it. But wait, when he parked, you went and expected, and you thought it still might have been yours? I looked all over it, and I thought I saw a scratch that looked familiar. I mean, now it's psychosomatic.

I put that scratch there. But I was like, do I confront this guy in a convenience store? So that's why these things need license plates. Your little- Well, I had one. Or chips. You just didn't remember what it was? Or this guy took it off?

No, there was no plate on it. That's right. He took it off. So it was yours. I think so, but I was too scared. You should have caused a ruckus. Why didn't you call the cops? I was rageful until the moment of truth came.

And then I just was like, have it! And then you found out how close you wanted to get to that fire. That's right. I was like, it's warm, but I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Nothing wrong with that. I'm a T-bone.

So this guy took it one step further. I'm also in like Downey, California. I got to drive home for like five hours. I'm in Monrovia. Thank you. So they arrest him on reckless endangerment charge. A police spokesperson said there is probable cause to arrest the theft suspects for burglary. A snowblower was found in the trunk of the car that was involved.

Completely smashed. Yeah, exactly. Now that's broken. Now screw that. I went driver's door. I stayed to the front. In a police interview, Sanderson said his home, quote, was involved in another recent burglary. So this is building up.

An apparent reference to an incident he detailed in a February 5th Facebook post. Yeah, let it out. Sanderson told friends that, quote, some ass clown broke. They put that in. In the paper. Yes. In the paper. Yes, this is courtesy.

Print it. Print it. Some ass clown. He said it. Print it. Probably in the report. Yeah. Told friends, or maybe that's from his Facebook post.

I'm guessing that's from his Facebook post. Sanderson told friends that, quote, some ass clown broke into his family's garage and stole his father's Briggs and Stratton snowblower. It's his dad's. Sanderson added that he was monitoring online marketplaces and asked, quote, if you see anything being sold, let me know, or just share it with others. Okay. Share it with others. Okay. Share it with others.

That's so fake. I'm going to show you guys a picture of this guy. I know we know the retail price, but what's the black market value of Briggs & Stratton? I don't know. Do we have that number? Let's check the law offices of Briggs & Stratton. Guys. They blow.

I'm going to show you them. I can't wait until this gets revealed for everybody on our social media. Jay? Oh, my God. Wow. Holy beard-o. How old do you think Corey Sanderson is with his upside-down Batman mask hanging off of his face? If I said six.

That's like Wolverine. That's like down on his luck Wolverine. Is that on purpose or just lazy? I just think it needs a wash. And also, he's so surprised. It looks like someone took his beard and just moved it a little bit. Right. Under that, it's not hair.

Those are like projectiles coming off his face. He has weapon hair. Yeah, that's right. He has weapon hair. He's got Wolverine beard. I'd say that. It looks like if you walked up to one of your children, right, and you saw this, you'd go, what are you drawing? Well, a guy.

Yeah, you want to draw me? You know what's also jarring? How almost clean cut his haircut is in contrast. Also how wide open his eyes are. Yeah, I was going to say. You get met with those eyeballs. He looks surprised to me taking a photo of him. He's very thin.

His beard alone tells you that he's a blacksmith at a Ren Faire. His eyes tell me he's just had plastic surgery and he's a 65-year-old woman. His weight tells me that he's cold even in his winter jacket. He is a nut. His cheekbones tell me that he's a lonely man.

To be quiet. He could have been a model. I can't get over this ugly ass. It looks like his goatee exploded. Doesn't it? It looks like someone shot a bullet through his goatee. He looks like he's in Mumford and Son. This is the wind from the gun.

He looks like Mumford and Son's cousin. He looks like Son. He looks like Son. Son's friend. He's Mumford and son-in-law. Okay. How old do you think Corey Sanderson is? Let me get a good look again.

I mean, the beard's deceptive. I'm going to cover it up and look at those eyes. Yes. Look deep into those eyes. That guy is 29 years old. Okay. Jay, what do you think? Jason?

34. 34. I mean, it's a lot of beer. I think it could be anywhere from 46 to like 20. I think he's 41. You do? I think he's 29, 99. Okay.

99. All right, run it back. 20, 41, 34. Jason says 34. Yep. 29. 29. Okay.

Love when you go for a Walter Payton. All right, ready? Sweetness. One of you is exactly right. So now we get to play the game. Who do you think is exactly right? Is it you? Do you think it's you?

You're sticking with yourself? Yeah, I feel good about my choice. I'm actually going to switch mine to Tony's. Okay. From 41 to Tony's. Do we get $500 cash? No, you get a Biggs & Stratton. You get a B&S.

Yes. Briggs & Stratton. Today's podcast brought to you by Briggs & Stratton. It's the biggest. Do you guys, by the way, know the last time it snowed in LA? No. Do you know? No.

The last time it snowed? In LA? It was recently. No. When? It's like 1986. Really? In Burbank.

Really? That counts. I thought it snowed 1986. Really? In Burbank. Really? That counts. I thought it snowed in Pasadena. It did. It might have been up in the hills, but I'm talking about closer. Down on the flats. All right. Okay.

All right. Ready? Yeah. Corey. Sanderson. Sanderson. Pissed off. Avenging his dad.

T-boned it. Got to T-bone it. T-bone their ass over a goddamn BNS. Is 29 years old. Yeah! I tell you that beard, it's deceptive, but I knew that he had young eyes. He had young, sad eyes. Goodbye, everybody.

Thank you. Walk-off call to Sam. I love Sam. Being a winner. T-O-E-K-N-E-E-S-A-M. No, S-A-M. Don't add letters. Tony Sham.

No, Daniel. He's going to T-bone you when we get out of here. There you go. That's a show, you guys. That's a Friday show. What a fun romp with our good friend. Do you understand why we love Tony Sham? Do you understand why we love this guy?

It was so clear to us. I don't know why people are fighting us on it. What a big win. Have a great week. This is going to make it. I'm telling you, you're going to go into the weekend feeling great about this, and we are going to go into the weekend feeling great about it. You guys, we love you so much.

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