Dumb People Town - Trae Crowder & Drew Morgan - Flip or Flop House

Episode Date: July 19, 2022

This week Trae Crowder & Drew Morgan come to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a terrible discovery returning from vacation. The second story is about an extraordinary act. The final story is about an unexploded bomb.

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population well read-read great Crowder drew Morgan what's up dance oh good to be back well where we belong it is kind of where you belong like no you sweet sweet intelligent gentleman I'm so happy you both almost like we both are on parallel freeways that once in a while merged together yeah and we deal with the same idiocy that lives around us yeah all you can do man you know i don't know if you guys know this

about me i used to be a criminal defense lawyer i want to be dumb people to towns criminal defense oh yeah it's the only place i would be a prosecutor in the world you're welcome you're maybe like the only person who has a law degree who's ever done this show. Yeah, definitely where I live, I'm the only person who's ever done a law degree. That's a great way to start. So I'm going to ask you to put on your legal hat, something that you didn't. And you know Jay and I got into law school but never went. We chose not to go. So we didn't even commit as much as you did.

You actually became a lawyer. Yeah, dumb. That was dumb. Dumb people tell me. That was wasted time. Wasted time. You could have been doing what you guys now do, which is so amazing. We'll get into all that stuff and what you guys have going on later and what Daniel has going on and us too.

But first, we've got dumb stories. Let's jump right in. Ready? Yes. Here we go. Maryland residents return from dream vacation to find nightmare at home. You just got back. I mean, I just got back, but I had someone staying at our house.

You did? Yeah. You had a watcher? We had a watcher. But like that is your favorite. What in your first thought before we even know what it is? Where did your gut go, Trey? Yeah, Trey, what do you think?

Wino in the attic. Wino in the attic. One of my favorite Conway Turey songs. Survey says, you know. Wino in the attic. Yeah. Wino in the attic. Her jeans are a ton of no. Her lover in the attic. One of my favorite Conway Twitty songs. Survey says, you know. Wino in the attic. Yeah. Wino in the attic and a lover in my pants. That's right.

That's a Conway Twitty lyric. A lover in my pants. Conway Twitty songs, I realized this a few years ago as I was like, I'm going to listen as an adult because it was just always on when I was a kid. I see the want to in your eyes. You know that era of like even like the Stones where it's like, let's spend the night together. Like they were saying things without saying things. Conway Twitty said, like wasn't saying things while saying the most specific things.

Like he would sing songs like, I'd like to touch you there. Oh, yeah. And it would be so specific, like when you feel a man's hand. We've talked about it before on our show about how Conway Twitty was singing to ants and mammals and stuff, getting them all hot and bothered. Very effective. Women would curl. He was literally singing about the curlers in her hair.

Number one. But then he would talk about- Just drink this and lie back down. And then he also- He would have stuff like, she became a woman today, which is just about a guy taking a young woman's virginity. She was only 14. Stop. Everybody

stop. Someone should have taken him away in cuffs right there. All his B-sides were A-felonies. Thank you. That's a great joke. That is a great joke. Okay, this was sent in by Brittany Unbothered at cool underscore D-E-S-T-A-T

Cool. First time I think Brittany Unbothered has sent in. Thank you. Thank you very much. Okay. Two roommates. I want you to imagine this having got, because you were gone, what, three weeks? Two and a half weeks I was gone. So like coming back, you're excited to come back home.

You hope nothing is wrong, but then you walk in and then I have no idea what this is. Well, I know in the attic is probably what is going on here. Two roommates return to their Greenbelt, Maryland apartment after a week. Apartment. So there are other people around. Right. This isn't a standalone home, Drew. After a week-long vacation earlier this month, found nearly all their belongings gone and two strangers sleeping in one of their beds.

Yep. It's a modern-day Goldilocks. I mean, that's close. It's my house now. Yeah, yeah. You're close. It's a modern day Goldilocks. I mean, that's close. It's my house now. Yeah, yeah, you're close. It's in the ballpark. We don't know how drunk this person is yet or anything. There's no addict in it.

Did I tell you guys the story about when I worked at this place? One of my first jobs out of college, I worked at a place called Jack's, which was Jewish alcoholics, chemically dependent persons, and significant others. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's a supplement. Out of college? Right out of college was my first job. so you're in new york i'm in new york i need a day job so we can do stand up at night jacks and it stands for jewish alcoholics chemically

dependent persons and significant others how did you get this job my cousin had the job and before me and she's like i'm leaving to go to law school. Do you want this job? And we just needed something to pay our rent. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm not an audible learner. And I know you've said it twice. I still do. Jewish alcoholics, chemically dependent persons and their

significant others. Trey got it. How do you get? Drew got it? They're not counting the D, are they? No, the D's out. And the O. Like Django. It's like Jack. It's Jack.

Jack. J-C-S. Chemically dependent persons. I swear to God. Chemically dependents. I swear to God. You guys could offer me $1,000 right now, and I could not repeat to you what the title of the job is.

It's a bit of a... It doesn't match. Jewish alcoholic dependent person. It's an bit of a... It doesn't match. Jewish alcoholic dependent... Chemically dependent person. ...person. No, Dan. Is it experiencing? No.

I swear to God, I know this feels like a bit... Jewish alcoholic chemically dependent... ...persons and their significant other. That's a DP even in there. Jack D. P. So. Jack D. P. So. Jack D. P. So. That's way better. Is it? Yes. Jack D.iso. Jack DePiso. Jack DePiso. That's way better.

Is it? Yes. Jack DePiso. So I'm working at this place, and one of the people who's in recovery was like, Hey, man, do you want to go see a fish concert with me up in Rhode Island? And I was like, yes, I would love to. That's a great list to go for a recovery. I know.

I was about to say, that doesn't seem like the best idea. Crossing every line possible. No, no, no. We should not. We're allowed to hang with these people. We're not like their therapist. Because you guys are the significant others in this scenario. So I like this guy.

And so I said yes. OK. I went up to the concert. Some other friends I ran into while I was there. They're like, before I connected with I was there they're like here before I connected with this other guy they're like here smoke this and I like a dummy smoked

pot before I met up with this dude I've always wondered this about people who go yeah sure I've never been there I was 23 22 years old so was I I still was always too scared I was dumb and it was way too strong and so then I found the guy and I was out of my mind and trying to hold it together because I didn't. Sober guy.

Which, by the way, is great for the Phish concert. Also great to bring that guy. Well, I wondered if that guy, like, if, you know, the first time somebody goes to a Phish concert after getting sober, if he was just standing there like, this isn't, like, as good. This isn't good. This music sucks. Just looking at everybody. Everybody's an idiot. Is this how it always sounded?

Everyone sucks. I, I, well, I went to see Tenacious D. This is a side, side story. And like everyone in the crowd was going so crazy.

And for one second, I looked over at the security guard who 100% did not understand who they were, what they were doing and what they were singing about. And he's just, arms were folded. And I'm like, he killed the mood. He basically killed the mood for me. So this guy was still digging the concert, and he's like, man, I'm really jonesing to yous.

And I'm like, don't. I'm like now trying to talk this guy off the ledge, and I'm not qualified. Yeah, well, you're soaring. And you're flying. I'm flying out of my head. So we go to stay at our friend's, who are still going to Brown University. We go to stay at her house because it's like over a winter break or something.

And so me and this guy, because I was like, I don't think it's safe for us to drive back to New York City. We go and stay. You're like, I don't think it's safe for me to do anything because I'm fucking high right now. I'm so high right now. Why are we eating two pizzas? You have one for yourself. I'll take two. No.

So we go to this girl's house, and it's a house where like seven women live in this big house. It's at Brown. And I'm like, wherever you want to sleep. He's like, I don't feel comfortable sleeping in the – he's a bearded, long-bearded dude. And he's like, I don't feel comfortable sleeping in a room. I'm like, all right, then sleep on the couch. I'm going to sleep up in this person's room. No one's at the house.

What I didn't know was that one of the women who lived in the house decided to come back early, did not know that this person had said that we could stay at the house. Oh my God. It's this story. This poor guy is laying on the couch. She comes in at like eight in the morning and we've been out late from the concert before. She starts screaming that there's a homeless man, there's a man in the house, and I have to run downstairs and be like, no, no, no, no.

And she's like, who the fuck are you? And I'm like, this is my friend. And she's like, I don't know who you are. So I had to like break down who we were, and it 100% traumatized this poor guy. Oh, yeah, the poor guy. Who invited me to this thing another version of that that i'm aware of that's only worth telling because of the name of the perpetrator was we're tennessee vols fans we had a quarterback once who did something very similar

to that except he was so drunk he went to his old apartment yes and and went into it and then the people found him there and again and the quarterback's name was one Mr. Jim Bob Cooter. Yeah. Jim Bob Cooter. Jim Bob Cooter. Coach for the Detroit Lions. Yeah, James Robert Vagina. James Robert Vagina.

His first name. And then she had some incredible accusations against him at one point. Yeah, you know. He's just cooting around. He had a couple. Yeah. Just cooting. Just cooting. Cooter. Anyway, Dan, sorry. He had a couple. Yeah. Just cootin'. Just cootin'.

Cooter. Anyway, Dan, sorry to take such a sidetrack. This is what happened in this story. Right. So they're on a week-long vacation. They come back to find two strangers sleeping in their beds and all their stuff gone. Green Belt City Police said they're investigating the incident and have released pictures of the suspected squatters from videos the roommates recorded upon their return home.

How did they know they were gone? The first sign something was wrong was videos the roommates recorded upon their return home. How did they know they were gone? The first sign something was wrong was when the roommates returned to their apartment in the 9300. Do we need to be giving out their current address? Stop giving out the address. Every squatter is going to know where to go. And notice some damage to the front door. That turnaround. If you get to your house.

9-1. Yeah. Whenever I walk back to my house, I'm just going to get my phone out. 9-1. And as soon as I see something out of the ordinary, 1. They noticed some damage to the front doors at Hannah Glasgow with the Green City Police Department. Which I didn't love her Netflix special. I mean, I know they're calling it comedy.

People loved it. People loved it. Hannah Glasgow. And then. Hannah Glasgow is what Hannah Gadsby registers in all of her hotels at. She's so big right now. She's just huge. And I'm not saying it's not funny.

I'm just saying it probably wasn't for me. And then they walked into her apartment and the apartment was completely empty. That's when one of the roommates pulled out a phone and started recording. When they had left their vacation on March 28th, the apartment was fully furnished, but when they returned, practically everything was gone. The closets were cleared out, and even the cabinet doors in the kitchen were missing.

Who's selling the most efficient squatters of all time? Ever. They're doing a gut. They're doing a full gut job. It takes me three weeks to move when I know where I'm going. Right. Like, I have a place to put my stuff, and it takes me a month. Can I tell you

we're about to replace a couple things in our upstairs bathroom. The thought of cleaning out the drawers. Just the drawers of the vanity is stressing me out now and it's going to happen in a couple weeks.

I'm going to link this to something. Maybe it's easier when it's not your stuff, though. Maybe they literally set it on fire in the woods. No emotional attachment. You can make choices. You don't care about this stack of newspapers. That's it. So I go back to the notion of dad who goes out to get cigarettes and never comes back to his family again.

That guy, for that moment, my first thought is like, so you got to go buy a whole new wardrobe? Right. You start from scratch? Yeah. All your shits back at your house? Where's your golf clubs? Like, what are you taking with you?

Well, you can't leave it all behind if you take some of it with you. That's right. To face the purpose. Right. Right. You've got the little Johnny Appleseed sack. What did he say? The sack on the stick.

A stick? A bandana? A bandana. How much stuff can you stick? A bandana? A bandana. How much stuff can you put in the bandana? Not much. Not much. Yeah, he doesn't know people that need some reinforcement. But then that's my thing.

Like in the community, they're like, I could use some doors. You see this in like- You got a bead on some doors? In art? Like a roof out of doors or something? Were they copper doors? No, hold on. Yeah, right.

Hold on. You see this in like jewelry he, like, when art gets stolen. You can steal it, but can you move it? Right. So my thing is, like, so you're a squatter, but you've got a cabinet door guy. Yeah, right. So you don't have anything in your own life, but if you need to sell off, fence some cabinetry, that guy is in your rotation? Here's what I'm speculating.

They normally squat in some large squatter's facility. Sure. A warehouse. A warehouse down at Big Squatter. Yeah, the warehouses with multiple squatters. Sure. It won't be found. Yeah.

That's where they're normally at. They found this gold mine of a place. They're telling the rest of their buddies about it, whatever. And one of them at some point is like, you know, I'm building my fort, my squatting thing over here in this corner. You know what I could really use? Are there like some loose doors or doors you could get out of there and bring to me?

And the guy's like, sure. Of course. That is the most logical explanation. I know. Because literally, I just don't know. to me and the guys like sure of course that is the most logical i know because literally i just don't know the only person i could think of would be your wife if i was like so we need to move some doors well if i here's the question if i told you that i knew someone who said this phrase i got a beat on some doors how much you trust that guy right not not at all probably met at jack's quarters though yeah

they got a code amongst themselves i would imagine well you guys are also like applying the logic to it and i get why it's part of the fun here but uh it's like you ever been to like a real real like drug addicts situation there's not a lot like somebody ripped them cabinets off because they were talking to them that's what happened yeah It became a shut up or I'll rip your doors off. In one of the bedrooms, they found a man and a woman sleeping in one of the beds, which was the only furniture remaining. They were smart. Yeah.

Practical. The strange couple woke up when residents called out, Hey, what are you doing here? Where's my stuff? Sounds like a title of a great HGTV show. Hey, what are you doing here? Where's my stuff? Sounds like a title of a great HGTV show. Hey, what are you doing here? Where's my stuff? That sounds like an MTV show.

Right after Next and between Silent Library. I want to be you. Give me your face. I'm 16 and I'm pregnant. Sure. If Ashton Kutcher's career hadn't worked out, Dude, Where's My Stuff was the sequel. Oh, for sure.

I could totally see HGTV making a show, taking some young couple and then introducing some squatters into their home. You have to replace all your stuff. So, no, the choice on that show is I would call it flip or flop house. Flip or flop house. There you go. Where you either go and you have to either change the –

either you get the squatters somewhere else where they can live and you re-renovate your own house or you decide to sell the house. Or skunk is your new roommate. Skunk is your new roommate. Isn't there a surgery you can have where they transplant all your shit, like a poop transplant?

Yeah, there is a poop transplant. That's basically what they're doing. Get all their shit out and put new shit in there. The man told the roommates, of the man and woman who were in the bed, this is so flatly calm, he told them they had taken their belongings.

Then he and the woman started packing up their things. It's like the end of weird science. The guy who took the shit? We have taken your belongings. It's like the end of weird Science. The guy who took the shit? We have taken your stuff. It's like the end of Weird Science. Sorry, you have a beautiful home. When they're just quietly leaving after causing so much chaos. They're like, oh, that was your stuff?

We took all that. It's Cheech and Chong. Oh, shit, dude. Well, hon, let's pack up and go. Well, they're here. We knew this day would come. And that's like when you're at a baseball game. Which also makes them the nicest squatters. It's like when you're at a baseball game sitting in seats that aren't yours,

and then the real people show up. 100%. Oh, so sorry. We tried. We're going to go squat in the air. That's exactly what it's like, but it's your memory. It's your house. It's your whole life.

And then I'm always trying to make a joke. I'm like, made it warm for you. I just did this this summer at Wrigley. I kind of liked this guy. It wasn't my stuff. I took it. I was in Asheville recently with some friends, and they were telling us that their neighbors had that

because there's a lot of vacation home situations in Asheville. Sure, yes. And they're telling us this story. They're like, yeah, it was kind of these young punk kids, and Asheville used to be like a very train hopper town. And I was talking to my wife later. It's like, we don't own a home. We're millennials. We can't afford any of this stuff in Asheville used to be like a very train hopper town. And I was talking to my wife later. You know, it's like, we don't own a home. We're millennials.

We can't afford any of this stuff in Asheville. There was a part of us that was like, we were kind of pulling for the squatters. Let's do it. Come on, underdogs. At first, they were very calm. This is according to the police department. She said the man even showed the roommates how he had broken the locks on the front door to gain entry, which is kind of like, I don't need to know.

You did it. Come here. I'll show you how I got in here. know. You did it. Like, well, come here. I'll show you how I got in here. That's hot-dogging. That's high-stepping at your own 20. That's like, OJ, if I did it, my arm would have been like, all right. He's showing one of the people that live there that? Is he, like, trying to help them out in the future or something?

It's like, listen, here's your problem right here. Like an Uncle Three beers in. He's like, come here. I'm going to show you. Get over here. That's the type of crazy you don't know how to deal with. You walk in, you're like, get my gun or whatever. Get me a weapon.

And then this dude's just like, come here, let me show you what your problem is. That's scarier than anything he could have said. Because they're just so common logical. Eventually, the interaction quote got a little bit more aggressive. Of course. Glasgow said the man and the woman took off. The value of the roommate's missing property was estimated at more than how much money? I would have given the total, Dan, if I was there.

Yes, you would have, Brandon. You know I'm so bad like that. How much do you think they sold? How much do you think? They cleaned these people off. They got to decide? All their stuff. That's a good question.

This is according to the roommates? To the insurance. It just said it was missing property was estimated at more than how much money? I would tell the insurance 15K. I was going to yeah I was thinking 15 maybe 20,000.

We're talking about an apartment right? If you go much higher the insurance is going to be like no. If you go much lower you're an idiot. Rip off the insurance

company. He said 15 so I guess I'll say 20. Okay. I'll say 25. I think they're jacking it up. Jason? Randy?

I think like 33,000 dollars. 33,000. And they made it jacking it up. Jason, Randy? I think like $33,000. $33,000. And they made it a weird number to be like, I say $3,300. Okay. The total estimated value of how much? We're talking cabinet doors, yo.

With the supply chain issues going on right now. Stolen and missing property is $49,000. Yes! They went for it. They're not getting it. They're not getting it. They're going to get $800. But if you go that high and they go, we'll give you half, you go, okay.

That's good. Maybe. You go so outrageous. Well, the insurance guy is like, you're making me come there with this number, so I'm taking you to the cleaner's house. This is a two-bedroom apartment in Greenbelt, Maryland. I don't know anything about Greenbelt. I don't either. Maybe that's like, you know,

fancy-ass Maryland, but it's still a two-bedroom apartment. Maybe I'm just too white trash, but it's like, do they have fucking paintings and shit in there? I don't know. Flat-screen TV. What is that? Were they saying the stuff or the

total, like, are we counting damage, too? It says the value of the roommate's missing property is estimated at $49,000? Were they saying the stuff or the total? Like, are we counting damage, too? It says the value of the roommate's missing property. Oh, wow. It's estimated at $49,000. In addition, full trash bags were left behind and trash was smeared on the walls. It's just so devastating to come home from what was probably a really nice vacation, be excited to sleep in your own bed. You know that feeling, right?

I do. Well, we all do, but you just did it. And then, just to be totally rocked, not only with the fact that someone's been in your space, but they've taken everything. Damaged it. A police officer recommended residents build a relationship with neighbors and let them know you're going out of town. Right, you're in an apartment. So if you hear anybody trying to make some noise. Anyone's coming in and out of our doors, they shouldn't be.

If you see a guy breaking into my apartment, that's not supposed to happen. If you see a trail of all my shit going out the front door. Or just your cabinet doors. We're not remodeling. Hey, we's not supposed to happen. If you see a trail of all my shit going out the front door. Or just your cabinet doors. We're not remodeling. We're not taking cabinet doors off. If you see a couple carrying cabinet doors out of my house, maybe that's not supposed to happen. So literally, this is how much

their neighbors hate them, these people. Because they didn't say anything. Nothing. I would say it to a... If I saw something weird happening, even with a neighbor, I'd hate it. And there's no way they were the only two people coming in and out. No way. No way. For a week to gut a whole place?

They were telling fucking Dirty Mike and all them about not dirty Mike. Everybody's dead in here. Free Dirty Mike. Dirty Mike's doing good. His significant others are at Jacked episode. Or Jacked episode. Jacked episode. Hey, they're recovering, all right?

That's story number one. Story number one. Doubt in the books. I definitely think, to me, the craziest part about that story was the part where after they showed up for what seemed like 10 to 15 minutes, the people stuck around and walked them through the process. Let me show you what we were doing over here. Let me tell you how this went down. That's act three of the HGTV show. How'd you do it?

How'd you do it? Put your hand over her eyes I want to show her the bedroom This is the reveal This is the reveal Move that garbage truck You're going to love the trash on the walls That's a whole new touch

You don't even need to do wallpaper That's a look Alright guys, that is the first story When we come back we're going to find out what Drew and Trey have going on. We're going to tell you what we have going on. Daniel, too, where you can catch him live. All that stuff coming up right after this. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Before we get into what these guys are doing, Randy and I have a huge announcement. This is as big as an announcement as we've been probably made you're pregnant i yes your brother and i are getting a divorce no uh we this is such a huge deal for us probably the biggest announcement we've made since doing this podcast uh for 15 years people have been asking

us when are you bringing back your show cheap seats that was our show that we did on espn classic years ago forever we've said we're trying, we're trying, we don't know, we're trying. Well, we're doing it. We're bringing it back. It is going to be called The Nosebleeds. We've been talking about it all summer, but it is finally going to be available for your consumption. And the first episode is going to be dropped on YouTube on July 30th,

Saturday, July 30th. On UFC's official YouTube page. Here's the deal. If this first episode does well and gets lots of positive comments, this is where you guys come in. We will get a chance to do another season. We only made six. We'd love to make a ton more.

Dan worked on it. Can I say something as a person who worked on it? Yes. This is one of the worst. No. No! Dan. Yes.

This is one of the worst. No. No! Dan! Look, I happen to be a fan of mixed martial arts and Brazilian jiu-jitsu and all that stuff, right? Some people might be like, wow, I don't know if I really like that sport. Well, do you like comedy? Because you guys are taking those things and making it funny.

How many of you thought before whatever episode of Cheat Seats that you saw or finally got to see on YouTube in recent years, how many of you thought that you loved roller skate weightlifting? None of you. But you didn't need to because you had Jason and Randy making jokes about it. Yeah. So this is the same thing. If you want to add some more comedy in your life,

you want to have something really fun that you can watch, just put on, make a ham sandwich and enjoy an afternoon, sign up for Fight Pass, watch this very first episode. It's free, right? First on YouTube. And again, this is where you guys come in. Just literally, if you watch it a bunch of times, afternoon sign up for five pass watch this very first episode it's free right free on youtube and again this is where you guys come in just literally if you watch it a bunch of times and share it like it tell your friends like speaking of ham john ham is in it you got a family you got nine

devices in your house make them all make each device watch at one time turn them on and check back in with it later but like rob corddry's in the first episode there's so much great stuff in this we're so proud of it. We love it. And this is really your chance to help us out. So we ask you guys to watch The Nosebleeds. It comes out on July 30th. You're helping them out. Yeah.

And, you know, there's jokes. Look, there's jokes for everyone. There's a moment where two fighters are too close to the ropes and it's dangerous. And so they reposition them in the center of the ring. And the announcer's like, they're moving them to the middle. And we're like, just like Bill Maher. So I think there's something for everyone in this. And we managed.

The last thing I'll say is, Dan, you are a fan, a deep fan of all this stuff. We managed to do it without like. Disparaging. Yeah, without being disrespectful. It was like fun. More importantly, you managed to do it and make it funny. That's it. So if you're an MMA fan, it's totally in your wheelhouse.

If you're not an MMA fan, I'm going to say it's also totally in your wheelhouse. That's what I'm saying. It's just a concept. Roller skating, weightlifting. You didn't know that that was going to make you laugh one day while you ate some chips. There you go. There it is. Now it is.

Again, Nosebleeds on UFC's official YouTube page on July 30th. Daniel, what do we have going on with you? Dates should be dropping soon. Excuse me. Go to DanielVanKirk.com. I know I'm going to be headlining the Blue Whale Comedy Festival. That's a Friday night in Tulsa. I believe that is the 25th of 26th, 26th, I think, whatever that Friday is. But go to danielvankirk.com and then I'll have some other dates around there too, looking at like Fayetteville, Oklahoma City,

Dallas. So by the time this rolls around, like in the next week or so, all that stuff should be up. And then I'm also going to be headlining in Honolulu. I know, Dumb People Town. Let's go to the island. I will be out there. That is going to be September 8th, 9th, and 10th. And other dates are coming up soon as well. DanielVanKirk.com. And also live Dumb People Town happening in Nashville, Tennessee at the Hutton Hotel on October 13th. The next night in Chicago. The next night in Chicago.

We're getting the venue ready for that. And then on Sunday night, October 16th, live at the Bell House with Andrew Dismukes from SNL. Saturday Night Live. Yep. And Nashville, by the way, has Dusty Slay, our friend Dusty Slay, who we love. And Steve Pultz, who is a great singer-songwriter from Nashville, wrote songs for Jewel. Just funny and a good dude. He's going to be doing music. And Cutworms is doing music for our show.

Unreal. All right, boys, what's going on? How can people find you and see you guys live and consume all of your stuff? Yeah, so we have a podcast together, the Well-Read Podcast. Amazing podcast. Check that out also on star burns um and i'm touring right now you go to trey crowder.com it's t-r-a-e it's the white trash version of the spelling t-r-a-e crowder.com i'm in been in new england the midwest you know going to upstate new York, Connecticut, Nebraska, Arkansas, Kansas City, a bunch of places coming up.

Me and him will be back on the road together, too, later in the fall. So, yeah, for me, basically, you just look me up by my name on any tradecrowder.com or any social media page, you can find all my stuff. I'm constantly putting out internet videos and all sorts of things. So that's the best way to find me. Drew. Yeah, I will be in Denver July 28th and Boulder July 31st. I got a lot of other dates coming up.

Those are the two specific ones I can remember. I know I'm going to be in Bristol, Atlanta, Athens. Go to drewmorgancomedy.com for the dates. Oh, I'm going to be in San Luis Obispo on August 4th. I've never played this room. It's a brewery. It's a great city, though. I san luis obispo on august 4th i've never played this room it's a brewery it's a great city though great city great um and then you can follow me at drew morg comedy uh you know on all the socials and then like he said well read will be back on tour in the fall love it well yeah one last thing they've been out for a minute but we've also got some uh comedy

central sketches you can find on their youtube page. Great. Well-read. Check those out. Type in well-read Comedy Central and it'll pop up. Last I checked, it was the most successful non, we'll call it prestige, sketches they've ever done. Key and Peele and Chappelle are still crushing us. Of course. But as far as people who've never had a show on Comedy Central. Digital only. Digital only.

We're one of, but you know, five. It's still good to be in first place. Still good to be in first place. We're those other four. We'll check it out. And we will have a special drop in, you know, maybe sometime next year. At some point. I love it, Will.

Love it. So I think what people love about you guys, if I can put myself in that category because I'm a fan, is that you guys give lots of people hope that there are people in parts of the country that we may be on some levels, if you live on the coast, if you live in a blue state, write off a little bit and go, I don't know. What's the story over there? What's going on? You are proof that there are people who are working hard and thinking hard about ways to be thoughtful and I think connect with people. And then I'll add on top of that, super funny.

So all those things come together, and that's why I love your podcast. That's why people should go see you guys do live comedy and all that stuff, and that's why we love having you on the show. I agree. Let's jump into another show. Ready? This was sent in by Matthew. You made the vipers over there. Truth.

No one's ever told me I gave them hope before. Easy and truthful. You know what? As a former lawyer, I love that you said no one's ever told you I gave them hope before. Easy and truthful. You know what? As a former lawyer, I love that you said no one's ever told you that you gave them hope before. They always knew the deal. You made it clear to them. I was honest from the jump. I was like, yo, you didn't do it?

For real? You need a new lawyer then, dude. I thought you did. Yeah. I prefer my clients to be guilty. That's house money. That's right. This was sent in by Matthew Friedman at NotYourAverageMatt.

It's NotYourAVGMATT. Thanks, Matt. Thank you, Matt. I think first time sending in. If you guys want to be like these two, and even our third in a little bit, at DanielVanKirk, hashtag DumpPeopleTown on Twitter, send me your stories. Here we go. Let's do it.

Magistrate finds defendant's axe extraordinary. Axe? We're in Australia. Yeah. We're not in America right now with the magistrate. Hang on. Are we talking about A-C-T-S or A-X-E? Sweet axe, man.

Sweet axe. That's the whole story. Wait, why does the defendant have an axe? See the axe on that judge in there? That's not an X. That's an X. Said the magistrate in court. We're used to boomerangs here.

I've never seen an X. Nice X. Nice X. ACTS. ACTS. Speaking of Xs, I'm still amazed that with the popularity of X throwing in alcohol establishments, I have yet to get an axe bar dumb people town story. Oh, like someone threw an axe in someone's kneecap?

I did see one TikTok once where most of them are not double-bladed, and this person was doing a double-bladed one and put it into their own back. Oh, my God. And I remember somebody wrote in the comments, like, axe bar owner here, this is why you don't double blade. I love it. I've only ever been to one, and I went with Josh Wolf. He did an actual thing the other day.

All that tracks. Love it. Like, last Saturday, I loved Josh, too. And that place, for some reason, no booze and double bladed. Maybe that's the mixture. You know what I mean? It's like strip clubs. You're going to have both.

It's like strip clubs. Exactly. You can't have both. It's like only topless if there's beer, full nudity, no alcohol. By the way, a topless axe throwing place? You just gave away a million dollar idea. Look, have a drink and have a double mastectomy. We can do all that here.

Cut her off. Literally. Literally. A South Australian magistrate is awestruck by the decision of two defendants while being pursued by police. I love it. Joshua James Childs, JJC. JJC, if you're nasty.

Which does sound like some sort of Jewish organization to help people. JJC does have Joshes and alcoholics. Joshua James Childs was sentenced in the Mount Gambier, I tried, magistrate's court on Monday charged with aggravated escape in a police pursuit in 2021 as well as assault in 2020. So I like that they got him in for one and then they're like, hey, we still got this thing for 2020. Can I say as an attorney, I'm so glad the United States doesn't aggravate escapes. Yeah.

Like that's a new one from aggravated escape. Aggravated escape. Yeah. Like if you managed to pull off the sort of walk off, put on a baseball cap and a hoodie version, that's a new one from aggravated escape. Aggravated escape. Yeah. Like, if you manage to pull off the sort of walk-off, put on a baseball cap and a hoodie version, that's regular escape. Are you talking about, like, if you're fucking busting through walls and sliding over car hoods, that's aggravated escape. You're talking about a Jason Bourne into the crowd moment versus a, I'm going to tip over some trash cans. Exactly. That's aggravated escape.

I like that in America. We're like, look, if you get away, good for you. We're going to charge you, but we're not going to put levels to it. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to ask you, Drew. Yes? How many times would you sit down with somebody and go, look, what we got here is just your average criminal mischief?

When did you know criminal mischief is always a misdemeanor? Yes. Yes. Okay. So as long as anything under felony. There's a certain element of fun in criminal mischief. Well, it's one of those statutes I mean look

If you want to know My honest opinion about it It's one of those statutes Where it's like Hey We wanted to arrest this guy For something For something

Yep And so we wrote this law Where if So the cop can be like You know what Fuck that guy Wow Criminal mischief

What is Is that like Where you paint a dick On a bank or something That would probably be vandalism Okay It usually has more to do with like in the process of an escape i knocked over some trash cans it's not technically

illegal to knock over trash cans but it is if you're running from a cop while screaming fuck the police right and they'll just throw another account on there well that's the other thing yeah they overcharge so that you'll take a plea to the things you did do right right well we'll get rid of the criminal mischief oh you mean the one that shouldn't even be there? Yeah, the one that you guys just made up. You'd be great at it, man. You could be great at it. I feel like you've learned so much. Especially the way you said it, too.

That's how you got to talk to those DAs. Oh, you mean the one that shouldn't be there? So here's the thing. Dan, I feel like law school is three years. It's super hard, Drew. You know. It's the reason why we didn't go. Just like stand-up.

Just like stand-up. Dan, I feel like through 10 years of doing this podcast, you've earned a degree in dumb law. Or you should be like year three. Like just starting year three. Sure. Dumb law. Dumb law would be another great show on HGTV.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. Okay, here's what happened. Childs, that's Joshua James. JJ, you know it's JJ. JJ Childs. JJ Childs. JJ Childs. JJC.

Was sentenced to more than nine months of home detention for the two incidents, including the high-speed police chase. And when he came home, someone had stolen all of his... You can also translate that into, in America, we would put this person in jail. Yes. While the charges were related to two separate incidents, Childs was cumulatively sentenced. But here's what happened. This is from the magistrate. Quote, I have never in my time as a magistrate heard that whilst somebody was engaged in a police pursuit, they also engaged in sexual intercourse.

Wow. You never saw that. There was a Charlie Sheen movie in the 90s where he did that. Well, there's that movie Crash, the original Crash. Did they give him nine months so he'd be off of it when the child was born? Thank you very much. There's 100% a 90s Charlie Sheen movie where the climax of it is him having sex with a woman while they're running from the cops down a highway. So the climax of the movie was his climax.

Was him climaxing. Are you sure that's not a documentary about that? Yeah, they were just following him around. That was just 2005 in charge of cheating, baby. He wasn't working that year. But the movie Crash was people who

their sexual kink was having sex while getting into it. Right, right, yeah. Did not win the Academy Award. Different cash. Yeah. So here's what happened.

She says, I've never in my life or he or she, I don't know, Kula, Kula Casia vellos i love it i tried a couple s's there's a v-e-l-o-s in there the court heard how police attempted to stop jj twice while he was speeding along the princess highway princess highway mario kart track jj twice is a good nickname for this guy also Also, JJ Twice sounds like a 1990s, they toured with Tony, Tony, Tony.

For sure. Or DC Talk. They're also very pro-Christian. Don't even get me started on DC Talk. And he got his nickname twice from his sexual prowess. That's right, JJ Twice. So nice, you want it twice. Don't you know we're heaven bound?

What is with you? Damn, I know that's it. I'll take you up. No. Jesus freak all the way. I love JJ twice. It's like Jesus, Jesus two times. Because he came back.

Yeah. JJ twice. That's why I said all their albums are like 66 is their number. He's speeding along the Princess Highway, which I said just sounds like a Mario Kart track to me, in September 2021 with a female passenger also in the vehicle. The court heard that JJ evaded police before officers spotted the car a third time.

He got away twice. JJ twice. Yeah. JJ twice. Living up to his name. So then they deployed road spikes, puncturing three of the vehicle's tires. That's not going to stop him. JJ continued to evade police, driving while the rubber from his tires began delaminating from the vehicle.

I've never heard it put that way in my life. It means just like falling off. Of course, I know. You can puncture his tires. I've never heard of delaminating tires. You can puncture his tires. You can puncture his rubber. He ain't stopping.

I was about to say, how was the other rubber doing? That's right. Punctured. You think that was in the car? No. That was JJ two times, baby. First of all, he don't wear rubbers, but second the car? No. Hell no. Not with JJ. Two times, baby. First of all, he don't wear rubbers.

But second of all. JJ, hell no. Yeah. When it comes to rubbers. She like, they're into that. JJ not once. Not ever. This is a couple.

Like, they're still together. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She's not leaving him. Oh, for sure. Yeah. She let him while they were running from the cops. While they were running from the police.

Right. So then they start delaminating their tires. He continued driving on metal rims, gouging the cops. Right. So then they start delaminating their tires. He continued driving on metal rims gouging the road surface. A second set of road spikes were deployed deflating the last of the vehicle's tires. Wow. JJ continued to evade police. And continued to have sex. During her sentencing remarks, Magistrate Casiavellos said what happened next was, quote, extraordinary.

Wait. What? We're not there yet? No. They haven't answered it. It's all was, quote, extraordinary. Wait, what? We're not there yet? No. They haven't answered it. It's all just a pre-amp. Yeah, this is just Australia. Four-play.

Yeah, four-play. You got to get those rubbers off or you're going to start having sex. Yeah. With all the tires, they also keep spelling it T-Y-R-E-S. I do that. I never knew that. It's Australia. That's one of those things.

With all tires punctured, police witnessed the vehicle's female passenger climb over and straddle Childs while driving how many miles per hour? How fast do you guys think that they were going when they started having sex? This is converted to miles per hour. I converted it. I converted it. So I already converted it. How many miles per hour?

Remember, this is their third time being chased by police. They have no rubber on their wheels. It's all rims. It's a total rim job. JJ twice, total rim job. Total rim job. That's the sequel. She climbs over on top of him.

They start fucking wild being chased. How fast are they going? Is this the kind of car? I'm thinking Taurus. Mitsubishi Eclipse. Right. They got different names over there, which is always wild. Sure, yeah.

You recognize the car, but you don't know the name. 50? 50? 50 miles per hour. I don't know how much tires, you know... Or the lack thereof slow you down. But we got this number from the police. Right.

Sure. And they were mad at this guy, but also in love with him. Of course. This is the best day of their job. There's a certain level of respect. Again, this is Drew's legal mind. Yeah. He knows the process.

So, Trey, you said 50? Yeah. I'm over there. I'm going, Your Honor, now I know it says 105, but let's be honest. Without a rubber? Who's doing 105 without a rubber? Thank you. So he's trying to knock it down.

I think it says 105, and I think they were doing about 70. Okay. Wow. I think, Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say like 65. Okay. I'm going to say 80. 80?

Mm-hmm. The miles per hour that they were traveling while having sex on no wheels, just rims, is 31 miles per hour. Cruiser. Cruiser. Sunday drive. Sunday drive. You're right. You're right. Just think miles. The Cruiser. Sunday Drive. You're right. Sunday Drive sex. Blocking the driver's view, the female began moving

up in an up and down motion, appearing to engage in sexual intercourse. JJ was sentenced to seven months imprisonment to be served by way of home detention. We'll get out of here on this. How old is Joshua Jamesua james twice jj twice so this is a i believe they call these people bogans right familiar with bogan that's an australian redneck is how i understand that's why i'm familiar so i'm hearing this i'm picturing bogan bogans like rednecks. Look older than they are.

They got some road miles on them, you know. Yeah, without tires. Road hard and hung up wet, as they say. Sure. So I've been picturing a 45-year-old dude or older in my head this whole time, but I'll say he's 32. 32. 32.

All right. I'm going to go 37. The reason why is you still got to have that young Dumb testosterone But to get to this point Where this is what you need To get your rocks off Yeah You've had to try a lot Yeah because

At what point Do you think they were like Hey Do you still It might be a while Before we get to have sex again Like what is the conversation In the car

Oh no I think Dude clearly She couldn't even handle it anymore. She's just getting so hot and bothered by how fucking, how rad JJ two times is. Sure. She's 21. She's 21. He's 30, or you said 37?

I said 37. God, you're so right. I'm going to say 49. 49. Yeah, I want him to be like 58. Yeah. I want 58. Is that what you're going for?

Yeah, I'm going for 58. End of story two. Joshua James Childs is 28 years old. Oh! Okay. Yeah, all right. Hey, again. I love it.

Pretty good batting average. You're doing great today. Yeah, but you guys know, like, I saw a picture of Kenny Stabler yesterday when he played with the Saints. I saw that too. He was 60. He was 38 years old. He looked like a 65-year-old man, dude.

Like full gray, long hair, ragged as hell. He looked like fucking Waylon Jennings. Like late era Waylon Jennings. Late era Waylon Jennings. Sparky Anderson, when he coached the Big Red Machine, looked like he was 65 years old and he was like 39. It's like when you find out James Gandolfini was 36 in the pilot of Sopranos. Or you see

the cast of Cheers in season one. Yeah, Norm. Norm was like 35. It's crazy. Cliff Clavin, 36. Yeah, it's just insane. You're like, he was 58 the entire time. Alright, there you go. Alright, so that's story two. Dan, give us a little tease of story three and then for our Patreon

fans, Drew has a great story. We saw him the other night as we were doing stand-up. He's got a great story. Story three kind of fits also with you being. People traveling overseas try to bring back the worst souvenir. Okay, great. I love this because I just came back, and we'll talk about that. But this is, we love this show.

We love these guys. Come back and do a quick story. And for our Patreon fans, got a great story from Drew. Don't quit. We'll see you next time. Stick around. Make a sound. For more Dumb People Town. come back and do a quick story and for our Patreon fans got a great story from Drew don't go anywhere stick around make it sound for more Dumb People Town

alright Daniel take us home buddy okay you ready this was sent in by Susan Helsdingen at ding then a three

in place of an E Helsdingen R12 if you told me that was the name of the new Danzig album I would be like or like the ACDC with their now third singer

ready for the headline American tourists try to board plane with unexploded bomb no Dan didn't you say when you went to the

there were like mines at the flea market or like grenades boy my cousin Kenny my brother Matt bought a grenade. Everybody's cousin Kenny bought a grenade. Sure. You're not going to bring an already exploded bomb.

It's just practical. You're going to need it to be unexploded. Who wants it first? Is it one of those cartoon bombs that look like a bowling ball with a wick? With a wick on top, yeah. Oh, wow. It hasn't exploded yet. Or like a bowling ball with a wick. With a wick on top, yeah. Oh, wow. It hasn't exploded yet. Or sticks of dynamite with the curly things.

When you say brought it on a plane, did they check that? Or did they try to get that through GSA? Bad idea. Picking up an old unexploded bomb. Worst idea. Deciding to keep an unexploded bomb as a souvenir. Well, it had less than three ounces of liquid in it. The absolute worst idea.

This is all written. This isn't me. Transporting an old, unexploded bomb to the airport in your luggage and attempting to bring it on a plane.

No. I'm tired of all these motherfucking bombs on this motherfucker. We all are. A chaotic scene unfolded at Israel's, how do you say it,

Ben Gurion Airport. We've been there. I thought so, but I wanted to be sure. By the way, in Tel Aviv. Can I tell you, Ben Gurion Airport and the Israeli security, you think security is tight in the United States.

Al, the questions Al asked you before you get on the plane, they're like, why are you going to Israel? I went in 2000, and I'm like, I'm going to visit. Who are you going with? I'm going with my girlfriend. They're like, where's this relationship going? You're like, wow. Jesus.

Sure. We don't want to break up deep questions why can't you commit i'm like well there's some story and then it was a huge deal chaotic scene uh unfolded in the airport in tel aviv on thursday afternoon after an american family believe it or not attempted to pass through security with an unexploded ordinance in their suitcase they're american it's their second Second Amendment rights. Wait, hold on. These Americans, they traveled to Israel, found a bomb,

and were like, let's take that back. You know who loved that? Papa. He loves old war shit. I just feel good to be done with my Christmas shopping. I'm already done. It's my favorite Matt Damon movie, We Bought a Bomb. We Brought a Bomb.

We Brought a Bomb. That's right. We brought a bomb. According to the Israel Airports Authority. Worst airport ever to do this. Try and pull this off. You could pull this shit off in Frankfurt, but not, you know. The tourists approached airport security and asked about the shell as they deposited their luggage, sparting a panicked effort. What's your unexploded bomb policy? Whoa, we got one.

You read on the internet. I just have a bomb in my Do I have to check this through or can I carry it? We told you. I'm clear. I'm TSA pre-check and clear. So can I just walk through with this? It's like the guy who tries to rob a bank and is like, I didn't say I was going to use a gun.

I just let the teller know I also had a gun with me. It's like the guy who tries to rob a bank. He's like, I didn't say I was going to use a gun. I just let the teller know I also had a gun with me. Like, we told you we had a bomb. I said I have a gun. It's not on my person. It's back at my house. All I said was I have a gun.

Right. And Drew's like, I can use that. I can use that in defense. Yeah, I'm trying to figure out how to defend all these people. Your show should be called Fun People.

These people rule. They're amazing. Stealing cabinets, bringing bombs. I know. It fits in the seat in front of me. That's right. So they have all this.

This sparked a panicked effort to evacuate the departure hall. Video shared on social media captured the frantic scene with some passengers fleeing the area while others sought shelter wherever they could find it. At least one man was injured while fleeing and later taken to the hospital. The Times of Israel reports that this is how this guy got injured. And look, if you're in an airport, if you're anywhere, and you're running from anything that's scaring you, I don't want anybody to get hurt.

But this 32-year-old man climbed onto the luggage conveyor belt, ran on top of it, and fell down. That's right. I think he saw an opportunity to finally do something he always wanted to do. Like a giant treadmill. Yes. Look at me. Luggage conveyor belt fails to me.

I would watch that show nonstop. That feels like something that would be on spot. No, on airplane when the people are coming off on the luggage thing and their feet go up when they hit the bottom. The family found the bomb during a visit to the Golan Heights, an area that remains littered with landmines, barbed wire, and unexploded bombs, minus at least one. The Israel Airports Authority told CNN the family was allowed to board their flight after an interrogation

and that the incident is, quote, currently under operational investigation. The tourists were not allowed to bring the bomb home with them. Did they not arrest them or anything? They were like, no. Please get them out of this country. Which is stupid. But also, I bet that dude was later sitting on the plane

talking to the stranger next to him. He's like, you believe they wouldn't let me bring my fucking bomb? I know. He's mad about it. They took my bomb. I was going to check it. I had this sweet bomb. I was open about it.

I was going to put it on airplane mode. The bomb? That's a good idea. That's a show, friends. Put your bombs in airplane mode. Guys, thank you so much for joining us. The Well Read. We got two-thirds of the Well Read dudes here.

Trey Crowder, Drew Morgan. Follow these guys. Check out their podcast. Watch them do stand-up live. Check out The Nosebleeds on July 30th and watch and review it on the UFC's YouTube page. Watch Daniel Watch them do stand-up live. Check out The Nosebleeds on July 30th and watch and review it on the UFC's YouTube page. Watch Daniel go do his stand-up. And oh shit, guys, we've got to get back to work.

Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb People Town. Star Bands Audio. A podcast network.