Dumb People Town - Wendi Starling & Megan Rice - 'Yotes Be Schemin'

Episode Date: September 28, 2018

 This week, Wendi Starling and Megan Rice of Starburns Audio's Jammerz join the guys to discuss a story about some extremely confrontational raccoons. 

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population jammers. We have the jammers podcast in here, and we are so excited, Megan. And Wendy. And Wendy.

And Wendy. And Megan. Hi, guys. How are you guys? We're so good. Everything's great. We're fine. Are we allowed to admit that you guys do it coast to coast, or are we supposed to keep

that a secret? I mean, it is a serious secret, but we'll allow it. This is an exclusive. This is a Dumb People Town exclusive. Guys, we're scooping. We're scooping. You guys do a podcast that is fantastic. You but we'll allow it. This is an exclusive. This is a Dumb People Town exclusive. Guys, we're scooping. We're scooping. You guys do a podcast that is fantastic. You were telling us about it.

We love it. And also the idea that you guys, one of you is in New York, Wendy. And Megan, you're here in Los Angeles. You guys are best friends. But you do a podcast. We have you both in the same room. So that's kind of a joy. Yeah.

Tell our listeners what they can expect when they listen, because they're going to come directly from this and straight to a Jammer's app. They're going to just start subscribing to Jammer's app. They're going to jam on over to a Jammer's app. What are they going to expect? Man, it gets real crazy over there. We basically just... Does shit get real? It's like the real world.

Is shit about to get real at any moment? Shit gets real real. It's constantly getting realer. Almost too real. But you constantly getting realer. Oh, okay. Almost too real. Okay. But you guys set challenges for each other and then

And our listeners. And your listeners. That's most important that they participate. And then you like a week of no drinking or a week of trying to make a good decision

for her. Doing yoga. Tell us your dreams. Yeah, that was the last one. People really liked that. We kept a dream journal because I went to and go back and listen to it

but I went to a psychic and found out that in my most recent past life, I was a Chinese hooker demon and she's still in me. Chinese hooker demon still in you? Yeah. So that was a whole thing and it still is a thing because I don't have my crystals on me. What? Or in you. How dare you?

Oh, they're inside of my body. Yeah, that's the safest place for them at all times. You got some crystals up in you, girl? You know it. You got some crystals up in you, girl? Yeah, they expand when of my body. Yeah, that's the safest place for them at all times. You got some crystals up in you, girl? You know it. You got some crystals up in you, girl? Yeah, they expand when they come out. They're little dinosaurs. Oh, you guys. That's so fun.

Well, I'm sure you guys are aware of this, as you have evidence across the whole country. The world's getting dumber. The world is getting dumber. We are trying to fight the stupidity with comedy, and there's only one way to do it, and that's to break down ridiculous true crime stories that Dan gets sent to him. None of us have heard. Sometimes they're not a crime. They're just dumb. Sometimes it's just dumb behavior.

Some of these people get engaged in a Chipotle. That's romantic. That's modern romance. These guys dig that. Can I get extra sour cream and you for the rest of my life? Dan stole the hot sauce. Yes, in a heartbeat. You kidding me? Paying for that guacamole?

Come on. Oh, my God. That's beautiful. No cilantro, though. Please, no cilantro. Danny, do you have a story? Yeah, yeah, we do. Let's do it.

You ready? Let's get it. We have these ladies here. Let's get into one. Okay. Raccoons bust into Toronto woman's home and get confrontational. Okay.

Okay. Have you come face to face with her? There are no raccoons in... Thank you for pronouncing it correctly, by the way. Raccoons. I just want to get that clear first off. There are no raccoons. Thank you for pronouncing it correctly, by the way. Raccoons. I just want to get that clear first off. There are no raccoons in New York City. We lived in New York City.

They just don't exist. Wait, raccoons? Raccoons. Raccoons. Raccoons. Raccoons. I heard like scratching outside of my house. And I put my son to sleep and he was asleep and I heard scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch,

scratch. And I looked up out the shade, and I saw some things moving. I took the flashlight on my cell phone and shined it out the window. Five raccoons. Raccoons? Climbing up a tree, scratching on a tree. Turned and looked at me like, what do you want, bitch? Like, they didn't move.

Yeah. They weren't scared by me lighting a thing. They're going to be confrontational. They have personalities. Well, city raccoons are cool. Well, they're eating all the chemicals and all the food. So they're like, they're eating all the drugs. They're eating all the drugs we're shitting out of our bodies.

Maybe they've got Chinese demon hookers inside of them. Oh, they for sure do. And some crystals. But city raccoons, some of them have gone keto. Like, there's some keto raccoons who are like, I want the fat. I don't want the sugar. Right. Well, and especially if they're going to be committing crimes, what happens when you do

that? You get your photo taken. Jay, they think you're paparazzi. Yeah, Jay, they do think I was paparazzi. They think you're trying to blow up their spot. Here's the deal. I saw a raccoon outside my house. He said, are you gramming this?

I was like, what? What do you mean you should have? He said, just make sure you get my handle right. I'm like, I might story it. And then he gave me another look. Why not on the handle right. I'm like, I might story it. And then he gave me another look. Why not on the main page? I'm like, I don't know. Let's go over here in front of this pink wall if you're going to take it.

It's the Paul Smith wall. Get on it. Can I see it, please? No, they just look like their sweaters don't fit. They just look like their skin is just way too big. They look like every raccoon looks like they borrowed their boyfriend's sweater. You know what I mean? That's why they're on the keto diet. Stuff like that. You're body shaming

raccoons. I'm not body shaming. I'm just like get a sweater that fits. You think raccoons don't listen to this and have feelings? It's fashion shaming. It's just as bad as body shaming. Get a sweater that fits. And it's called athleisure. It's a style. Leisure. Every time I think of raccoons, I think of that fits. And it's called athleisure. It's a style. Okay, I get that.

Leisure. Every time I think of raccoons, I think of that, what would you call it, F story from The Great Outdoors, the movie with John Candy, where there's like a whole storyline of these raccoons. Oh, that's right. And I'm always imagining either the writer or they had some producer who was like, had to shoehorn this in. Had a vendetta against raccoons. And I was like, yeah, ween.

I understand we got to get down to 83 minutes, but we cannot lose this raccoon. And the studio's like, this has nothing to do with the rest of the script. It has nothing to do with anything. So we got to lose it, man. We got to cut it. And every night they cut to it.

And there's like a whole storyline about these raccoons commentating on the people living in the cabin. So I think that was a function of, hey, there was a gopher in Caddyshack. Let's do that version here. Could be a little bit of that.

A little fallout. A little caddy fallout. I was thinking maybe that's the story that needs to be told. Yes. The sequel should be just them and fall in pair.

That's the one they don't want you to know, Megan. What happened to this lady? This was sent in by Catherine Tuck at Catherine Lorna. K-A-T-H-E-R-I-N-E-L-O-R-N-A. Cat Tuck.

She sends a lot of stuff in to us. We love her. Thank you, Catherine. Thank you. It was a night like any other night. Who is writing this? I hate this. Thank you.

I absolutely hate this. It's like the beginning of the Haggadah in Passover. Is this a sexy novel? Yeah, I was going to say, is this from Playboy? Is this Fifty Shades of Grey? I feel like this is the poem. Danielle Steele wrote this. There it is. And my grandma will read it. Playboy? Is this Fifty Shades of Grey? I feel like this is the poem. Danielle Steele wrote this. That, there it is.

And my grandma will read it. Was Dakota Fanning in Fifty Shades of Grey? Am I wrong to say that? No, it was Melanie Griffith's daughter, right? Yeah, Dakota Johnson. Yeah, it was Dakota Fanning. Oh, no, no. That's a very different film that you have to buy on the dark web.

She's like a nine-year-old. That is Man on Fire. Why is this shot with just a cell phone? I think much sexier. Both title could have worked for either one. Man on Fire could have been Fifty Shades. Fifty Shades could have been that Denzel flick. This man is on fire.

That's how it goes. Okay. It was a night like any other when raccoons made their move. As though they'd been plotting. As though raccoons are like the raccoons in Great Outdoors. They're like, you know what we're doing tomorrow? They don't care. They just go where opportunity is. Hold on. Full stop. Maybe these are the

same raccoons from Great Outdoors. They live in Hollywood. They got their big break. Screwed it all up. Now they're doing whatever these raccoons are doing. Okay. I will say this. Coyotes. They are... You and your animal pronunciations.

I love it. I love it. I feel like kinship right now. Thank you. Coyotes. Just call them You and your animal pronunciations. I love it. I love it. I feel a kinship right now. Thank you. Coyotes. Just call them yotes while you're at it. Yotes. I'm also fine with that. They do plan ambush attacks.

Yotes be scheming. Yotes be scheming. Straight scheming. Yotes are trifling. I'll tell you guys about the time I was in Hawaii and I swam with a dolphin. Oh, you did? I swam with a dolphin. Were you kicking him with a dolphin? Well, then I watched the COVID. I will neveram with a dolphin. Oh, you did? I swam with a dolphin. Were you kicking him with the dolphin?

Well, then I watched the COVID. I will never swim with a dolphin again. Hey, listen. Don't swim with the dolphins. But I'm saying yotes be scheming because you'll see a yote pretending to have a leg injury and you follow it around the corner and there are seven, a pack of yotes ready to pounce. He doesn't really have a leg. All right.

So these raccoons planned their attack and they came into this woman's house. Toronto resident Jenny, you're going to have to help me here, S-E-R-W-Y-L-O. Sir, Sir Wylo? Sir Willow. Sir Willow? Sir Willow. I don't know. That's a beautiful name.

Sounds like a fairy. Sir Willow. She had enjoyed a quiet evening at home Tuesday. She was about to grant someone three wishes. And had gone to bed when she was startled awake by noises coming from her kitchen. Do you guys go investigate or do you call right away? Okay, can I? I have a raccoon.

You go 9-1 and then go down there? I have a raccoon story in my life. Okay. My wife and I, when we were just dating and her parents had a house out in Long Island and it was off season, so it wasn't the summertime and people weren't out there and they weren't in the house because parents were down in Florida living in their Florida house. So no one's in the house for a long time

just except for a caretaker. We come in and we find like a bunch of paw prints. They had come down the chimney and we were like, okay, down the chimney. We looked everywhere. There were no raccoons.

None. We check everything. The entire, like all the food that was in the kitchen had been rummaged through. So they had definitely, the raccoons had planned it and done their thing and gone through it. Raccoons. We looked everywhere and we were like, okay, no raccoons here. We looked everywhere.

We go to sleep. I do not like, no raccoons here. We looked everywhere. We go to sleep. I do not like this. No, thank you. We wake up the next morning and there is fresh raccoon shit in the sink. That wasn't there the night before. So we're like, the raccoons were in the house while we were sleeping. I'm bored. I thought you were going to say in the bed. I'm like not excited about this anymore.

So I put on my wife's sweater. No, but it was, we were like scared shitless because we're like, I can't believe they were, we checked everywhere and they were gone and then they were there. And then the guy who came over, who was kind of like the caretaker, I imagine. He was like, there aren't raccoons anymore. There was a raccoon that lived here, but he died 200 years ago. Happy Halloween! You've always been here, Mr. Sklar.

So I imagine that his wife was... It's like a photo of Randy from 1918 next to a raccoon. I imagine that his wife was killed by raccoons, and in the horror movie of the raccoon, he's the first one to die. Of course. He's the first one to go. I thought you were going to say,

he's the one shitting in the sink. And he can shit tiny raccoon shit. Alright, so she hears noises coming from her kitchen. The culprit? Three raccoons had broken through her window screen. The target? This person is way into this.

This is like a treatment more than a story. Would that be great? I'm going to pose a question and then I'm going to... Am I posing questions? Yes, I am. Am I posing questions? Yes, I am. Am I answering questions? Yes, I am. You'll find out. We're being tricked into pitching this woman's movie.

It literally is written like a Brody Stevens sentence. You got it. The culprit, three raccoons. The target, her bed. Yes. You got it. I've seen a raccoon on Hazeltine. Followed it down to Ventura.

Rolled on over to Moorpark. Stood in line at Marie Callender's. You got it. Big party of raccoons. All right, here we go. Leaping into action with a broom. Jenny. Broom.

Made enough of a commotion that two of the bandits decided the goods weren't worth it. It's not lay with the bandits because they're wearing bandits because they look like they have banders around. It is raccoonist. It's very raccoonist. It is very raccoonist. But the third raccoon simply stared at her from behind her toaster oven, defiantly gnawing on her English muffins. That's right. That son of a bitch.

There is a picture of this raccoon Looking at her like What motherfucker You like that I want to see this picture Thank you I've seen these eyes Dan I've seen these eyes He's treating this toaster oven Like a chaise lounge

Wait should you not Look at this picture Might you flash back It's a trigger for me But I know that it's coming Let's go Or like the little caption Will be like

I ate so much bread You ready for this Oh buddy He's so cute He looks like he loves The English muffin so much He's like it's my toaster So much bread. You ready for this? Oh, buddy! Look at him! He looks like he loves the English muffin so much. He's like, it's my toaster oven now. I know, he's like, how much for this toaster oven? It's a real good one.

It toasts the shit out of the muffin. But I love it. Oh, I love this. I love him. See, that's what happened. He's probably been on keto, like all these other Hollywood raccoons, and he's just so hungry. Cheat day. It's a cheat day.

This is from Jenny. Quote, he was like, I'm eating here. Get out of here. I don't think he was like that, Jenny. I think he was very definitely said that. He wasn't like anything. He said it. He stood tall and said that.

I would have loved it if Jenny was like, he was like, excuse me. And I was like, okay. And he was like, oh, yeah. And I was like, okay. And he was like, oh, God. I was like, what? Eventually. Jenny has this whole discussion. Oh, there was a back and forth. There was definitely a back and forth.

He was like, uh-uh. And I was like, mm-hmm. Well, there must have been because they literally write eventually. Like, how long? Were you standing there? Talking to the raccoon. He's like, get the fuck out of this kitchen.

He probably had a lot to say. That's where you take the broom and you just push the toaster into the wall. No. No. That was a cute little guy. Eventually, Sir Wilo, who might have rabies and try to kill you, eventually Sir Wilo called 311, hoping the city would be able to give her some advice.

That's so Canada. They told her to try and find a 24-hour wildlife removal company. She couldn't get through to any. So they passed it off, and then she had no options. A wildlife removal company? In Canada, that's definitely a busy service. Yeah, I'm surprised she couldn't find one. They were all busy.

There's a moose in my bathtub. I thought you were going to say boots. Well, it stole my boots. There's a moose in my boot. There's a moose in my boot. There's a moose in my boot. That's what are you talking about? We just displaced six elk. Yeah, they were all the way up in our attic.

They were up in an attic and then we took it out. Sir Wilo said, that's Jenny, quote, I was growling at him and hissing at him, trying to scare him out, but he wasn't having any of it. How long was she growling at him? We're going to get there. Yeah. Occasionally, he would grab the broom handle she was pointing at him and yank it really hard. He's like, you get this fucking shit out of my face. Yeah.

You want to fucking put a broom in my face? Here, give it to me. Uh-oh. Like, he's grabbing it and pulling it from her. She's like, Mike, I'm taking you. You know what? I'm taking your fucking eagle shmuffins, this toaster oven, and that goddamn broom if you put it in my face one more time. This to me is like a comedy sketch now.

Yeah. It's like, here, here. At what point do you, you know, people do this with their dogs and cats all the time. Do you start treating their raccoon like a person and be like, come on, man. Well, but that's the thing. Already. She already had a back and forth. She had a back and forth.

And she, this is where she screwed up because didn't she say earlier in her letter, right, that the raccoon was like, hey, I'm eating this. So if he's already speaking English, why is she speaking raccoon? That's an excellent point. He's speaking English. Well, he was offended. I know that for sure. He was offended. Because he was like, oh, because I'm a raccoon, you assume I only speak raccoon? Right, exactly. She starts hissing and it's like, bitch.

Finally, after he had eaten literally all the bread in her house, he moved on to some oat wheat. Or wheat. Yeah, banana nut. Home-pried buttered wheat. Remember home-pried buttered wheat?

Yes. Hell yeah. Finally, after he had eaten literally all the bread in her house, the last holdout, that's him, got up and calmly walked back through her window, which she quickly locked. I'm going to ask you guys. To me, the walkout, and you know it was on his hind legs. Yep. You know it was on his hind legs.

Oh, yeah. He's like, I see you, motherfucker. If he didn't turn around and look at her and point at his little raccoon eyes and then point back at her, that's a bitch raccoon. That's right. Or he did like the Malcolm X-like to the side.

He turns up to the side to the side have any of you watched Succession have any of you watched Succession oh my god oh well that there's just a line that is perfect

for this that show is flawless I've never seen a trailer for a show I couldn't be less interested in and then watched and was like

this is phenomenal yes I saw the trailer and I was kind of like oh I get it it's so good. It's rich people. Well, that's me too. I'm like, I'm a foreign kid from Rochelle.

Me identifying with these characters on any level is not going to happen. It's the second you meet the son and you're like, the pressure that are on these kids is unbelievable. It's so good. I just, yeah, I love the idea of the raccoon just walking out and being like, okay. All right. No, I see. Just like slowly looking back. I came here to do two things.

Eat all your bread and kick some ass. Looks like all the bread's gone. So I'll take this toaster oven. Like he probably gave her the look like I'll be back. I'm going to ask you guys. Yes. How long do you think this standoff lasted? I love this so much.

From the moment she walked in, saw four of them, three left, one said, I'll go when I'm ready. Was it three and then two left? I think it was three and then two left. Oh, maybe. Two left. So two bitched out. And I like that the one guy stayed because the other two left, they're like, we're going to get in trouble. And this guy was like, these idiots, there's still bread left.

What are you doing, guys? He's like, I'm calling her English bluffing. Sklar Brothers. On Twitter to complain about that joke. I also loved it, though. Okay, so I'm going to ask you. You are our guests, Wendy and Megan. You can decide, each of you, do you want to go first?

Tig, which is second? Third? Fourth? How long do you think, in our little guessing game? You guys can go at any rate. Do you want to hear our guesses? It's up to you. I don't care. I'll go second.

Okay. How long do I think the standoff went? All the bread? Yes. All the bread. All the bread and all the missing. Yelling. Calling 3-1-1. The yanking away. The broom game. I love the broom game.

You play with your niece all the time. But doesn't it on some level sound like a late in his career Michael Jackson video? Yeah. Like just a raccoon playing with a broom and it is a really well choreographed dance. Ooh, he doing moves. And then the other two that ran away keep sneaking in the window and doing the little They're watching. Jealous.

Yeah, exactly. That and also hide the broom does sound like a terrible game that your uncle tries to play with you. Yes. Uh-uh. No. Okay. I'm going to guess five and a half hours.

What? Five and a half hours. That's a long time. I don't know how much bread she has. That's a crazy standoff. That's a long standoff. I love that that's your point. We don't know how much bread she has.

No, because it's Canada. She probably has a lot of bread. They're not idiots like us who are like gluten, keto bullshit. They need to keep warm. It's the United States in the 70s. A lot of wide open spaces, tons of white people. Tons of white bread.

Tons of white bread. Yeah, and I imagine he's eating it slowly, like real, just looking at her. He was at the end. For sure at the end, he was taking his fucking sweet time finishing the bread. He would fully swallow.

Picking it out of his teeth with each bite. Eat another bite. He definitely did that one where he just, you know, like corn on the cob, like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. On a piece of bread. What's your guess, Megan?

Going in that pig spot. This was a morning, right? She came out in the morning? Over the night. Oh, it was the middle of the night. Middle of the night. I'm going to say... I'm going to say...

You said five and a half hours. She said five and a half hours. I look... When I eat bread, if I'm having a cheat day, and I'm still operating under that assumption. I'm operating under that too. It's over until you leave.

Especially nighttime eating is the best. I don't know, maybe she had the Hawaiian's King Rolls. If she had those, then I understand. Then you can mash it up. It's so good. Now that I even think about the King's Hawaiian Rolls factor. Sweet Hawaiian Kings

rules. I'm going to say a solid hour. An hour. Randy or Jason? It's a 45 minute standoff. 45 minutes. That's a long time to stand off with a raccoon. Well, he's done it. He knows. I'm going to say an hour and a half. An hour and a half. Yep. Okay.

Townies, wherever you are, get your answers in right now. Yell in that cubicle or scream in your car. Just yell at your earbuds. Or look at a random kid and yell this answer at them. Here we go. I just love that at some point when thousands of people are listening to this, they'll just shout, two hours. Just a period of time. Anywhere.

On a subway in New York. Yes. On a subway in New York. Jenny Sirwilos standoff with a lone raccoon who wasn't leaving until he got that goddamn good carb feeling lasted over

half an hour. Oh! I knew it. I knew it. I was almost going to say a half an hour. Aren't we all right? Over a half an hour. He the way, aren't we all right? Technically. Over a half an hour. Over a half an hour for all of us.

Yeah. Thank you. But he's closest. We all win. Yay. That was fun. Thank you, Megan. That didn't stop them.

So after she gets them all out, that didn't stop the group from spending the next two hours scratching to get back in. Hell yeah. That's what they do. They scratch. But you know who it wasn't? It wasn't him. He went out there and told them about all that good ass bread and they were like, we

should go back in. We should go back in. We should really go back in. Just start scratching. But who sleeps with their windows open like that? Canadians. Canadians are like, no one's coming in here. Isn't it cold?

Sometimes. Right now, it's okay. I've heard it's cold up there. It is cold up there, but right now. Hopefully my locks hold. It's raccoon season. Said Sir Wilo. The experience was hilarious, she said, if also a little scary.

Hilarious? It was the most Toronto thing to ever happen to me. That is not the most Toronto thing that ever happened. The most Toronto thing would be if they sat down and you ate with them. Or if they came to your house and you started a sketch group with them. That's the most Toronto thing. Or if they decided to go out on the lake and you just played pick-up hockey. Or if they made a less expensive film look like a New York City film.

Or if they just dipped maple syrup in snow look like a New York City film. Yeah. Or if they just dipped maple syrup in snow. Yes. That's the most Toronto thing ever. Right. She said she had to

clean up everything. Or if they never won the Stanley Cup. Or if they never talked about their feelings but drank like a 48 pack of Labatt's. That's the most

Toronto thing ever. She has to clean everything up and then a guy named Bruce Hawkins comes in and we're going to get out of here on this. He gives a few steps on what to do if raccoons ever come into your house. Thanks, Bruce. I'm sure he

mansplained it to her. To deal with home-invading raccoons. Jason, make sure you listen to this. Step one, secure the perimeter. If you think you know where the animals get in, check to see if the entrance is in use, the city says, by sprinkling flour and looking for footprints. How about you just cover up that fucking hole in your mouth? Is this paranormal activity, by the way?

Like a ghost is going to fucking walk in the flowers? I'm dusting for footprints. Is this advice part of the free healthcare system? You guys, it's free. Here's our advice. Not close your doors. So this is how you can track them. Put powder in the open area. You know how they're coming to eat your bread? Take all the ingredients

to make the bread. And spread it separately so they can make Take all the ingredients to make the bread. And sprinkle it everywhere. So they can make their own kind. What if it wasn't Bruce Huggins? What if it was Bruce McCullough? And he's like, this guy, these raccoons, all the time, they came in,

these raccoons smoked. Now imagine that someone's telling you to do these things to where you live. Step two, make your home unlivable by hanging ammonia-soaked rags, blasting the radio, and filling your house with bright lights. That's not real. That's not a real tip. That is 100% real. Look, I'm Bruce

Hawkins. I don't take any crap from any of those raccoons. Mike, suck this, go buy a raccoon! He's like, you want to live in the house? You want to live in the house? You've got to make it unlivable. That's the only way to do it in Canada. What's going on, Dave? You've got to make it unlivable. You've got to make it unlivable. That's the only way to do it in Canada. What's going on, Dave?

That's the most Canadian thing I've ever heard. You've got bright lights coming out of your house. We've got a raccoon problem. I talked to Bruce. Hey, lean down. You're walking right through those ammonia rags. Step three, check that the bandits are really gone. No shit.

Yeah. Don't close off openings before conducting a thorough search unless you're fond of the smell of dead raccoons in your walls. Who wouldn't be like, well, I don't know if they're in or they're out, but just close it up. Close it up. Step four. Prevent reentry. Block holes with sheet metal. This is in your own home.

Repair siding. Cover air vents. So there goes that AC. Yep. Or heat. Cap chimneys. Trim overhang tree branches. And removed unused TV towers

This is We break this down He's describing how to make your home a bomb You're just like Shut off all the opening Bright lights Ammonia rags Let no fresh air

He's turning your house into a rave No this is the most Canadian thing ever now Because it's instead of Fucking killing the record Which no one has said yet No one's done that. That's not been a tip. No.

It's just ruin your own home you live in. And your life. To not be a bother. You don't want to be a bother to the raccoons. This is dumb people town. A final tip.

Leave behind ammonia or bleach to discourage the raccoons in their search for another opening back into their old den. And of course this all assumes that the offender

isn't staring you in the face defiantly eating your English muffins. Bread. Yes. Then you get the you in the face, defiantly eating your English muffin bread. Yes. Jenny Swirl said, I eat your English muffin. Quote, I'm going to go bleach my apartment now. And that is a million percent. Is that not what you call your asshole?

I mean, we just read it, but I hope she did say that and then gave a little wink. Time to go bleach the apartmented, bleed into the apartment. It accommodates three, in case anyone's wondering. She kicked out her hip. That's our mini-story, guys. You guys! She kicked out her hip. She kicked out her hip.

Hand on it. I love it. All right, everybody. You heard them. You now love them. Go check out Jammers. A fantastic podcast. And if you came to our show because of them, hang around in town for a while.

Come on. Yeah, stay here forever. Wendy, Megan, you guys have an open invite. Next time you're back together on the West Coast, please come and do the show again. We would love to. This was a blast. It was super fun. Thank you, guys.

Thank you. Oh, shit. We've got to get back to work. It's a good show.