Dumb People Town - Will Forte & Zach Galifianakis - LIVE from Largo at the Coronet!

Episode Date: December 11, 2018

One hundred episodes of Dumb People Town! To celebrate the milestone Jason, Randy, and Daniel are joined by comedy heavy-hitters Will Forte & Zach Galifianakis, as well as Ted Leo of Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, at the legendary LA venue, Largo at the Coronet!In Story 1, a would-be burglar falls through a Waffle House ceiling.Story 2 is the tale of a woman who is a fan of Girl Scout Cookies, but probably not the ones you're thinking of.Story 3 brings us a truly disgusting cake.Then some Townies share stories involving crocs and alligators, and a man thirsty for paint!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Punk it down, it's Dump People Town

Ladies and gentlemen Alright everybody, to start the show off We have some music from our good friend The uberented Ted Leo! Ted Leo! Yeah. There was a resolution pending on the United Nations floor Yeah. No one walked out of that building on the 8th of May And their times soon it won't add way I got a message from my sister

She just had a kid I had to get to Copenhagen To see how she did My act cut startled a Canadian He called me a skid Thought I'd charge a Roman He'd two nationals well hit Someone is listening on my bone

When I show up on the grid Me, I'm just a loner In a world full of kids Egos and deans A year before and we were getting And getting bottled in cock On television, caucus crying About abuse in the park

I told the bartender We were all from New York Sometimes the path of least resistance Would gain you the most More than trying to map the distance Up and down the East Coast When you're in Munich making music Raise your glass and say prost

Make it easy on your host Over mountains and far away Your tribunal of my grace Of justice still dog my steps Till I see that next smiling face A little goodwill goes a mighty long way A little goodwill goes a mighty long way. A little goodwill goes a mighty long way. I finally made it up

to Sweden to see Little Dove. Some folks remembered our last meeting and bore me no grudging. From the bartender complimentary mugs. Oh, if only I could stay a while. What am I afraid of? All this psychic damage of all the years I'm made of

Tell the bartender I think I'm falling in love Tell the bartender I think I'm falling in love Tell the bartender I think I'm falling in love Tell the bartender I think I'm falling in love

Tell the bartender I think I'm falling in love Tell the bartender I think I'm falling in love Tell the bartender I think I'm falling in love. I'm falling in love. I'm falling in love. Thanks. I had two thoughts during that. One was for the first half of the song, I was like, it felt louder earlier.

And there was a problem with something. No, it was something of mine, I think. It wasn't anybody's fault, but my shabby gear. The other thought that I had when people applauded when it got louder was very uncharitable. And it was... It was... It's not a fucking jazz show. Anyway.

Are you ready, folks? Dan and Rand and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They're lacking grace and sometimes choose of life they choose will make the news. Breaking down these epic fails in Florida, there's half price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host our man Dan. Van Kirk, don't be a jerk.

Cause when the music fits A funny hits and we are gonna Take you down Stick around, make a sound, hunker down It's Dumb People Town Ted Leo, everybody. Murdering the Dumb People Town theme song. Oh, yeah.

That is one of my favorite Ted Leo songs ever. The Dumb People Town theme song. That's right. How are you guys? Hi, guys. Yes. Started off normally. Here we go. Here we go. The world you guys? Hi, guys. Yes. Started off normally. Here we go.

Here we go. The world is getting dumber. No. Oh, it's not getting dumber, apparently, to the crowd. Population. Population. Here we go. Ready?

Okay. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Dumb People Town. Population U. Yes. Yes. 100 episodes. Yes. 100 episodes. Yes.

100 episodes. 100 episodes. I, 100 episodes and Dan Van Kirk still doesn't have hair. So, whatever,

I can't believe people are still doing dumb things in this country. Yeah. You can't? Yeah. I don't know. It's amazing

that we filled 100 episodes of this show. Well, we have an amazing show for you and we want to dive into it. But of course, in every live show that we filled 100 episodes of this show. Well, we have an amazing show for you, and we want to dive into it. But of course, in every live show that we do, we always like to pay homage to our show's spirit animal. The Patronus of dumb people.

His name is Jan Flato. If you haven't seen Jan Flato... That's Jan Flato. He's a golden god. He looks like a frog with a mullet. If Michigan J-Frog just went off the wagon. Or just went on like Jerry Lewis' prednisone. That's what I thought.

That's what he would be. That's a steroid joke for that guy over there. No, we've talked about this guy, Jan Flato, as we know is the kind of guy we've mentioned before who takes all of his dick pics with Google Earth. But we like to warm each show up with just a few truisms

about Jan Flato that you may or may not know. He is our world's Chuck Norris. Jan Flato is looking for his next girlfriend on Monster.com. Getting a lot of hot entries. Jan, let's see, Jan Flato once started chanting lock her up at a baby naming ceremony.

Wait a minute. That's the smartest move. Wait a minute. Jan Flato's sleep number is 867-5309. naming ceremony. Wait a minute. Not the smartest move. Wait a minute. Janflato's sleep number is 8-6-7-5-3-0-9. I said Janflato's the only one whose waterbed

is filled with Diet Coke. Janflato's gang nickname is Goldie Crox. Janflato's gang nickname is Goldie Crocs. Jan Flato knows everyone in his local Dunkin' Donuts by their middle names. Jan Flato doesn't ask if he can sit on your motorcycle. This one is perfect for this time of year. Jan Flato plays Mannheim Steamroller in July.

Oh, nice. Jan Flato plays Mannheim Steamroller in July. Oh, nice. Jan Flato has an I voted tattoo. I got one. Jan Flato once threw a baby at a gypsy and then stole her wallet. Wait a minute.

Jan Flato's astrological sign is lung cancer. Wait, what? Hold on a second. The only hurricane Jan Flato will ever run from is hurricane child support.

It's a tough one. Jan Flato hasn't been to a doctor since the Bush administration, which is what he calls his penis and balls. The Bush administration. Jan Flato once held up a 7-Eleven with a lit menorah. That's good.

That's good. That's good right there. Jan Flato donates all of his clothes to Gap Kids. Jan Flato has driven 700 miles with his left turn signal blinking on purpose because quote, he was just giving fair warning. Jan Flato hopes that his

earring holes will never close. Jan Flato hopes that his earring holes will never close. Jan Flato once spit on someone in a Burlington Coat Factory parking lot. Jan Flato takes lemons and turns them into lemon juice. Jan Flato once kept a monocle in his pocket for nine months. Jan Flato has lost more keytars than you'll ever play. That's a good warm-up. You got anything else in there? Jan Plato once robbed a carnival and only got two medium prizes.

Then he went back the next day and traded them in for a large. Jan Plato thinks he went to Burning Man this year. He didn't. Jan Flato was represented in every season of Narcos. In high school, Jan Flato was voted most likely to get fired from the Guitar Center. There we go, Jan Flato.

Kick it off. Love you, Jan. I love you. Love you, love you. Love you like the uncle. Oh, if you're willing to go to Florida, Jan, we'll take you to a hockey game. That's not a bit. That is a fact of life.

That is true. So we have a great guest with us. We have a couple of great guests tonight. We're going to bring our first guest out for this first segment. He's someone that we know and love and have known for a long time. He's just one of the funniest people and best improvisers that we've ever... When we're just hanging out, gagging around, he's one of the best. Would you please welcome

our friend, Will Forte. Will Forte! Will Forte. Will not... Will Forte, welcome to town, sir. Thank you very much. In perhaps the least appropriate Santa hat ever, a Raiders Santa hat.

I was cold today, and I went to the Raiders game last night. And does that come with a domestic violence charge? That's not cool. Well, were you in the parking lot they call their fans parking lot scene the black hole which is what Jan Plato

calls his asshole yeah I actually was I became an honorary member of the black hole yesterday you did? yeah what ceremony?

there's actually a ceremony and I got a like a I was gonna say a plaque but it's really more a piece of paper that's awesome and a to say a plaque, but it's really more a piece of paper. That's awesome. And a hat and a shirt.

I think it's like a reverse circumcision. They give you part of your penis. They give you some foreskin on top of it. It was rejected. The skin. Just have to hold it on there and tape it on. Skin graft didn't hold. Didn't take.

A Raiders parking lot is a perfect place to really start You just have to hold it on there and tape it on. SkinGraph didn't hold. Didn't take. A Raiders parking lot is a perfect place to really start in terms of when you understand where this country is going and where the world is going. That may be one of the dumbest places in all of society. It's what Congress will become, I feel like. A Raiders parking lot. With less good cooked meat, I would say. But I will also say, and I understand what you're saying, but you're having all these

Are you going to present the other side of this right now? No, I'm just saying it's a very complex situation. Yes, absolutely. There are some crazy people in this parking lot, but then they're also nice. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're so nice. But who knows how many people they have killed?

That's right. There's a lot of nice people and dumb people, Tom. You can count how many people they killed by how many teardrop tattoos they have on their face. That will tell you how many people they've killed. Well, I'm so happy that you're here because we get great stories sent to us by our dumb boots on the ground, our D-Bogs. They send the stories in. And, Daniel, we have a story. Should we jump into one?

We do. You ready to do a story? Let's jump in. Okay. This was sent in by Shalos, which I hope is somebody who really loves... By the way, Dan, you have this story for a long time and you cannot pronounce it at all.

Yeah, I barely read these. Oh, okay. Good enough. At Brent Gebhardt. G-E-B-H-R-T. Thank you, Brent. I appreciate it. Ready for this?

I just like that people are still naming their kids Brent. Oh, me too. Cool with that. By the way, he could be 60, Rand. They could have named him that. Oh, yeah. Okay, if you had a kid and you said, everybody, we're having a boy,

and I said, what's the name? And you said, Brent. I think most people would be like, oh. Great. That's so good. Well, I'm on record as saying, there's no one in this country under 21 named Gary. Does that compute?

I'm trying to think of names. You ever meet a young Gary? Like a baby pigeon. You just never see him. They just show up 26. Something I learned from Harry and the Hendersons that's really stuck with me. Ready? A Birmingham man.

Birmingham, Michigan or Birmingham, Alabama? Please take a guess. You know what? I wasn't even listening. Either one would work. It's Alabama. It's Alabama. A Birmingham man fell through the ceiling of a Waffle House restaurant during an apparent

theft attempt on Sunday, authorities said. Okay, so that's Sunday morning from a Friday night of drinking. That's not, he didn't do that Sunday. He was up there two days? Yeah, two days. Friday?

Yes, actually, yes, I do. They're going to find me. They'll find me. I'm not even going to yell. They'll find me. These tiles are strong. I've never been to a waffle house. Have any of you been to a waffle house?

I have been to a waffle house and I was just surprised. Have you ever been to a waffle house? I've been to waffle houses but I haven't been to a waffle house. Fair enough. Houses made of waffles. You don't watch that on HGTV? Waffle House Hunters?

I went to the Lego mansion. The Lego my Eggo mansion. There, you found it. That is my favorite show on HGTV. Flip it or butter it. At Sklar Brothers. They always butter it. Flip it or fuck it.

It's like these weird... Flip it or shit on it. Tonight on HGTV. So he fell through the house. I'm going to show you guys this beautiful Waffle House. Doesn't it look like bad things happened there? It looks like every Waffle House. Is that the actual Waffle House?

It is the actual Waffle House where this took place. It looks like a place you drive to and then pay for having parked in their parking lot. It looks like where the sad guy from Home Alone eats. The shoveler guy. People eat there after they've murdered people.

And before. We gotta fuel up. I can't put his leg in the wood chipper by myself. I need a little boysenberry. You did not see the end of the movie then because he actually missed his kids and had not murdered anybody. That was what Macaulay Culkin had thought.

Yeah. You better get on board. I watched two-thirds of Home Alone and I was like, I've seen it. No, you missed out on a lot. I got it. He never sees his parents again. I got it. In your mind, the wet bandits just go

on a tear and never get caught. Randy and I have always wanted to, since that movie came out, wanted to come out with a fragrance that smelled like Macaulay Culkin and it was called Home Cologne. It's a cologne that you wear

when you're only at home. Anybody? Okay, I'll do it. At Sklar Brothers. Send us all your comments. Send your complaints to us. Also, I'm realizing this, looking at the photo now, and it'll all be posted up on the Dumb People Town Facebook page. This would be the best

Christmas card you could ever get sent. I love it. Merry Christmas. It's all going to shit. Merry Christmas. Didn't you see George Bailey running past it? Hello, you old waffle house. Hello, people who murdered people.

Okay. Where was I? Oh, you were telling me. I'm sorry to keep being optimistic, but it looks like a nice place. That's what I'm saying. Don't ever change. It's like lit up nice place. That's what I'm saying. Don't ever change.

There's a lot of nice things in Dumb People Town. People get engaged at Chipotle's. There's a lot of good things that happen in this town. It's the Raiders Santa hat of Waffle House. That's right. There's a lot of good mid-century lighting in there. I agree. Doesn't it look like an establishing shop from Fargo? That's what I said.

Oh, I missed that part. I mentioned wood chippers. Okay. The man was wearing only a shirt and underwear when he fell through the ceiling. Nobody ordered that. I mean, it's cold outside,

so did he show up in just a shirt and underwear or he took them off while he was in the seat? Dress for the Waffle House, you're going to rot. Can I ask one more question? Sure. You can ask any question. Is this taken, is this from, is this just a stock footage?

I'm not entirely sure, but I know it is. I don't know if Alabama got some early snow this year or not. It's Birmingham, Michigan. No, it's Alabama. Oh my God. There was no snow in Alabama. I'm just saying that they didn't say like, oh, somebody fell through this roof and then somebody ran down and took this picture right afterwards.

They never said it, but they included it with the article. No, when it snows like this in Birmingham, Alabama, they say two things. One, global warming. They say that. Yeah, when it snows like this in Birmingham, Alabama, they say two things. One, global warming. They say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a big question mark.

Like that, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And two, they're like, it's snowing in Alabama. Gay people got married somewhere. That's what they fucking say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, yep. A lot of great logic.

The man was wearing only a shirt and underwear when he fell from the ceiling into the, this is where I nitpick, but I'm sorry, dining room of the restaurant. No, it is not a dining room. Nor is it a restaurant. If you have unlimited napkins at your table,

it's not a restaurant. If the furniture is nailed to the ground, it's not a restaurant. I take issue with that. I'm so sorry. It's like, you go out and you take a shit in the woods, that's a restaurant. I take issue with that. I'm so sorry. You do? It's okay. It's like you go out and you take a shit in the woods. That's a toilet.

All right? I agree. It's also a Waffle House. That's right. Where are you shat in the woods? He was wearing only his underoos and his shirt when he fell from the ceiling. A real Donald Duck situation. But how many people at the Waffle House

at the time just kept eating? And yelled at him. Dave, you asshole. This is where we have it. People have eaten through violence before. Oh, yeah. Just eat. He fell into the dining room of the restaurant

at the corner of US 43 and 72 in Tuscumba. That's probably not right, and I don't care. Add that to the dumb people town walking tour. Several patrons and workers captured the bizarre incident on cell phone videos. Quote, this is somebody's uncle that's probably related to me. I can't wait to hear this guy's attitude about watching.

Quote, he was high as a kite. I just love the goddamn George Banks down there running around with his kids. He was so high. It's a Mary Poppins cut for anybody who wants it. The chief said he couldn't immediately provide the suspect's name. How not?

He just wasn't giving it up? The police chief said investigators believe the man was attempting to enter the restaurant's office through the ceiling, but accidentally fell into the dining area. So he clearly hasn't seen the breakfast club. No, not at all. I just hope he was saying lines from Die Hard while he was there. Come to the Waffle House, rob it, have a good time.

Can I ask, are you more comfortable with calling it a dining area than dining room? Or like food consumption location. I would call it a food dump. By the way, Office Through the Ceiling was one of the greatest Pink Floyd albums that was never released.

I love you, Randy. Just really experience that. We have a still image of him during the fall. It's as blurry as you would want it to be. It's... Yes! For the listener at home,

there's a lot of gems in what the audience just saw. There's a guy who's just watching it. And you know that guy was watching it. Come on, either go down or don't go. Are you in or out? We hear your ass up there. Either fall or don't fall, motherfucker.

And there's no refills on the coffee. Get down here. You better not have brought your own cup because we are not letting you fill it up. I just can hear him sigh like, I gotta clean this up. It answers the question that I had wondered about that picture. Which is? It's not snowing.

There's no snow out there. It's a different photo. By the way, Will Forte is the type of guy who would watch Back to the Future 3 and be like, I see Reeboks. I'm not an improviser as much as a detail seeker.

That's good. You're a detective. The town needs you. The town needs you. It's like narrowing in on the truth one detail at a time. Tony Logan said, quote, we think his plan was to rob the place. We don't think it was in his game plan to fall through the ceiling. Really? That is some great police work.

I got two theories on this son of a bitch. First one is wanted to rob it. Second one is did not accomplish his goal. I'd say you're right. Logan said the man took off his pants in the bathroom and used them to tie the door closed.

Is that a move? Like, does he think, you just tie it around the handle, handle won't turn? That's right. How does that work? He definitely tied around the handle, it did nothing, and he made this motion. Why are you going at that fucking time of the day? Yes. I'm very out there.

I'm going to go when it's very possible. I know that people could possibly go in there because I'm going to go when it's very possible. I know that people could possibly go in there because I'm trying to tie the door shut with my pants. Why not wait until the night when usually people go home and go to bed? If anybody knows, a lot of Waffle Houses are 24 hours. They get busy at 2 in the morning.

We had a story once of a guy who walked in a Waffle House while the cook slash cashier person slept. They slept. He went back and started making his own meal. They'll let you do that at a Waffle House while the cook slash cashier person slept. They slept. Right, and he went back and started making his own meal and he got arrested. They'll let you do that at a Waffle House. No, they won't. He got arrested.

I also want to make an apology because I just realized the name of this podcast is Dumb People Town, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like if he went at night, he would have been smarter. It's just like, my apologies to everyone.

That was a wasted time. He could have been the smartest person in dumb people's time. They said he tried to tie the door closed with his pants. Not sure how that works. Once the man fell from the ceiling, patrons tried to capture him,

but the suspect ran from the restaurant to an apparent getaway car that was driven by an accomplice. That's a lot of planning to fail that hard. If you are the number two in that relationship, you mean his stepson? Because that's who I'm imagining

that is. Rick, I don't understand why I can't get up in that goddamn roof. I'm the roof man. You're the car man. That's right. Just keep that cutlass running You hear me? You stay out here Be like baby driver

Except you listen to Travis Tritt And you are gonna get us out of here Did we ever tell you this story? What's the guy's name? What was the guy's name from in St. Louis? Keith Longinette? No Jason, name every St. Louis person

So much for twin ESP. I know. Jason and I in... Blake Shelton. In 2006. Oh, okay. Chris Ledoux. Don't give his name because...

In 2006, Jason and I, we went to St. Louis for the World Series, and we were shooting something for This Week in Baseball, and our parents were there. They were with us. Humblebrag. Thanks. And we're at the stadium before the game three

was going to be that night. And we're down by the field. And this guy, this big tall guy with a ponytail comes up to us and he's like, hey man,

I'm a huge fan of Cheap Seats. I love that show, Cheap Seats. And we were like, oh my God. That's so nice. Thank you. And we turned to our mom.

We're like, he walked away. And we were like, see mom, our show, our comedy connects with like everybody. We're like, he walked away. And we were like, see, mom, our show. Our comedy connects with everybody. Like a dummy. Like a fucking asshole.

Like a guy who does the groundskeeper at Bush Stadium. I already know who. He likes our comedy. Some racist from Missouri likes our comedy. Look at how we're crossing barriers. We cross lines and stuff. Then over the loudspeaker, they said, ladies and gentlemen, multi-platinum recording artist,

Trace Adkins. I knew it. That's Trace Adkins. I want to tell you all something right now. I love you guys. That voice goes way down there when he's talking. I don't like Jews that much, but I thought that show was good. I'm going to tell you, y'all motherfuckers,

y'all killed Jesus, but you killed on that show, too. I'll tell you what, y'all motherfuckers, y'all killed Jesus, but you killed on that show, too. I'll tell you what. Hey, man. See, mom? See? So he ends up running into a getaway car. An off-duty police sergeant was in his patrol vehicle and spotted the suspect vehicle around the time officers were dispatched to the restaurant. The sergeant chased the vehicle to neighboring Sheffield, where the suspect driver pulled into the woods

and the car got stuck. This guy can't get in or out of anything. Logan said... By the way, you glossed over the detail that it was an off-duty cop who was just in the parking lot and then catches this guy. Now, how much is that guy going to go home to his wife and be like, see, I need to be hanging out late.

Don't tell me I don't need to be hanging out late. Don't tell me I don't need to be hanging out late. Look what I just did. I figure every dude in a parking lot is either committing a crime or waiting for his ex-wife to drop off the kids. Logan said the sergeant is seeking a felony criminal mischief warrant for the man who fell from the ceiling,

which is, that's the title of the book, right? The man who fell from the ceiling, which is, that's the title of the book, right? The man who fell from the ceiling. It's unclear what charges his accused accomplice could face. Accomplice? For driving them? I don't know. Other patrons captured video after the man's falling from the ceiling.

And friends, we're going to watch that video. Oh, yeah! The man who fell Over the Ceiling is a great David Bowie song. Oh, yeah. It's a great David Bowie movie. Okay.

Now, get ready, townies. If you're at work, take that break right now. Pause it. Sync it. I'm going to leave this. And then, don't look at what I have open.

And then I'm going to go over here. Don't look at Dan's history. Okay. Now, we have audio as well. I'm going to stop a couple of times. By the way, clearly no snow on the ground right now. David, it melted, y'all motherfuckers. It melts down here, dude.

Hey, y'all, that's why I fell through the ceiling, y'all. It's those freaking beautiful lights that melt all the snow. That's right. Okay, we're going to stop a couple of times. I'll let the listener only do it so that you can Pink Floyd this. Ready? It's a normal day. Hey, y'all be quiet.

Hey, be quiet, kids. Oh! Hold on. Holy fucking shit. Okay. This is our narrator for the night. This is like... That's a woman with like three little kids.

Holy fucking shit. Hold my two-year-old. I got to get this shit. Colton, Colton, are you getting this on your iPad? Hunter, sit down. Jimberley. One thing I haven't told you yet that you're about to find out. This guy...

By the way, this to me is like a southern birth. Yeah, it is. It's like the reverse of Raising Arizona. Instead of them coming out of the gourd, they're coming down. It's like, fuck it, this is a new beginning for this guy. It was like Waffle House didn't know. It was like that show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. A baby just drops out.

I've looked at the sunny side of most stuff, but I've got to say that woman is not going to win any Steadicam awards. No, no, not at all. Not at all. I hate saying that, but not at all. And the winner for best DP in a video. Will Forte is like, she didn't white balance at all. At all.

You might not be able to catch it if you're sitting in the audience or on stage, but if you look in the left corner, you can see, believe it or not, this video was posted by Derek Jeter. What? Not that Derek Jeter. Alabama's Derek Jeter. Oh, man. He's the captain.

He's Mr. December. The other thing I want you to know before I hit play again, this guy fell out of a ceiling, but he is ready for a fight. Oh, yeah. Ready? Okay, here we go. Hit play. Don't go nowhere!

Hey! Stay right there! Now, I've stopped it again because you'll see that there's a man who just had his back to the action. He didn't know what was going on. I'm going to make another wonderful holiday reference.

He started getting pushed through that restaurant like George Bailey's kid brother right into that pond. He was trying to text on his Nokia Pebble. You ready for more? Okay, here we go. Also, I want to point out, not only does he not have pants, and I'm sure this comes Oh! Oh my God, what is happening?

Now, also, I want to point out, not only does he not have pants, and I'm sure this comes standard, no sleeves. No sleeves. No sleeves. If he had sleeves, I would have been disappointed. Right.

You could thank Larry the Cable Guy for that. Good, I will. You also see that we have three people here all wearing the same hat. Some sort of cult has taken place. Ready? He's trying to get to the door and they are yelling, block the door. Yeah, because you want that person

around you. That's like a wasp in a car and someone saying roll up all the windows Yeah Your kids are like roll up the windows I got two year olds in here keep that guy in here We're at about 27 seconds

You're going to see my personal MVP of this There is a woman who walks in To this beautiful restaurant Spoiler She has no clue What has already taken place And in an instant she decides to try and block the door from letting this

son of a bitch out this is a woman who knows her civic duty this girl is on fire just hold it he gets a chair that he doesn't know what to do with he cannot get out because of this beautiful woman right here she took him down with the door she did take him down with the door she doored him He cannot get out because of this beautiful woman right here.

She took him down with the door. She did take him down with the door. She did. It gets better. She doored him. She doored him. Now it's a lot. Holy shit, dude. Holy shit.

Now. Holy shit. If you're watching along with us, you are at, I'd say, somewhere around the 48-second mark. And you will see a doubled-over person who you think, oh, kid just minding his day. You're right. It is a small child who has jumped behind the bar at the Waffle House and is in some sort of abdominal pain or laughing. Let's say he's laughing.

You joking me right now. Dude was living in our fucking ceiling. Okay. in me right now. Dude was living in our fucking ceiling. Okay. This, I feel like,

can we please get this woman to narrate the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? There's a fucking Snoopy coming down the street. This motherfucker lives in New York. Look at how big.

I saw it to fucking Al Roker out there. Jesus, look at how big that Buzz fucking light year is. You heard it right. She thinks he lives in the ceiling. Like, for a second, she probably thought it might be God who came down.

Oh, yeah. Well, are you friended me? Okay, so. Holy shit. Dude, he was. Holy shit Dude he was Holy shit Her mind is blown Yeah The idea that there are things happening

Above the ceiling she's seen Here's my favorite part I'm just glad that you're okay Look I jumped that. They were like, no, you're perfect.

Honestly, Dan, this is like one of those videos like when you see a kid who hasn't been able to hear and then they give

them your first word. I'm like tearing up that she knows that there's a world beyond her vision. This is one of the most beautiful videos. What I love is everyone's freaking out and that she knows that there's a world beyond her vision. Like, this is one of the most beautiful videos.

What I love is everyone's freaking out, and that kid who we thought was her is not hurt at all. If you look at him right now, he's having the greatest day of his life. I jumped that. They're like, no, you're pregnant. Get back here. I'm getting pregnant. That kid is like, fuck you, dude. How the fuck did you even get up there?

She has no clue how anything works. She also is just dropping F-bombs in front of this 10-year-old kid. Like it's nobody's business. How'd he get in there? He climbs. I literally want her to be like, how do ceilings work? Was he born in there? How long has he been there? How long has he been there?

How long has he been there? She's questioning everything about her life and religion right now. Why isn't the earth flat? I mean, what are we going to do after we die? That's what I want to know. Oh, my God. Did you get him? She's been outside

just a whole group of people. That is the most random thing I've ever seen in my life. Oh my God. I got him falling. I got him falling. Well, she didn't really get him falling. That's kind of what hurts the most.

Can I say I feel bad for those workers? Because they're not able to work for so long. Oh, you think they stopped anything? They're really mad to not be sure. I'm sure there was an old guy in the corner whose wife died in 87, and he was just sitting there going, more coffee, goddammit!

I just wanted her to question everything and be like, how are we going to handle this Brett Kavanaugh imbalance on the Supreme Court? Oh. That's beautiful. That's it, boys. That is story number one. Story number one.

Amazing. I think we need another Ted Leo song. Ted, are you back there, brother? He's going to come out. Oh, he is still here. Yay, Ted Leo, everybody. Ted Leo, everybody. Let's do it. He's going to give us

another song as we go to our first break. And we'll be right back with more Dumb People Town right after this. And another guest as soon as he comes out. And then we're just going

to sit in silence while he plugs in his guitar. Hi, Ted. Hi, Ted. Hi. You good? Yeah. Could you believe that?

What's that? Did you see any of that? I did see, yes. I did. It's going to make you go to more Waffle Houses, I feel like, when you're on the road. Absolutely. They have the best vegan menu. They really do.

Yeah, they really do. Oh, my God. Have you tried the kale salad at a Waffle House? It's ridiculous. You all say kale salad, but put anything you want in there. How do they get that kale in there? How long has that tempeh been in there? I mean, I can't get a good satay in Birmingham.

Walthouse is probably great. That's appropriate. This song has a lot of food references. Perfect. That could land weird if you didn't know that ahead of time. I think so. Well, I heard last Wednesday you didn't even mention me I'd rather hearing insulting than ignoring me intentionally Don't you think it's weird, don't you see how it could hurt To drop it like it's hot and leave it lying in the dirt

And from the field to the chafing dish, I can't wait to taste dessert And all the kiddies at your table sipping vinegar from flutes You tell them it's champagne and then you charge them to believe you For the sake of what they're paying, oh I wish that it was true Cause I remember heady days when they were my friends too And if the stars are aligned then the stars will all arrive For you celebrated on his anal cuts of the cruelest kind A loop of local origin, provincial view of urban men

And I'll be the lamb slaughtered at the little smug supper club Oh all the words upon your tongue you just gave Lips of his two and all the slum and tongue you just gave lip service to And all the slumming, it was nothing more than fun to you A lot of damage I have done, but I've been damaged too And though the damage isn't done, none of it's done to you At Thursday morning brunch I just sat back amused but wounded too Oh, embarrassed as I crunched upon a carrot for an amuse-bouche

I never got your pretext for this whole rigamarole And it's insulting to the subtext when you write it out in bold Like when I caught you at my brother's wedding Or pissing in the punch bowl And all the kiddies at your table Wipe your curries on their shirts And stains will be reminders of how good it used to hurt Like a vampire's kisses or a Thanksgiving curse

Like opening up a bottle and always giving you the first And if the stars are aligned then the stars will all arrive while you serve it up in all his animal cuts Of the cruelest kind of local origin proving true of you have ever been man And I'll be the lamb slaughtered if the little smug stars are aligned then the stars will all arrive for you celebrating all these animal cuts of the cruelest kind of local origin provincial view of urban women i'll be the lamb slaughtered at the little smug supper club the little smug supper club A littleug supper club I love it. Thank you

Wait a second First thing first You guys have some You have some shows With Amy Mann Coming up here I do Saturday and Sunday

With Amy Mann That sounds like An amazing show Can you And where can people Get tickets It's sold out Okay great

Thank you very much Ted Leo Fuck all of you You can't be there No Ted Leo you'll come back For one more song We'll do that

Alright dude Ted Leo everybody Ted Leo Stick around Make a sound of you you can't be there no ted leo you'll come back for one more song we'll do that all right ted leo everybody ted leo welcome back to dumb people town uh i think we need to bring out another guest i agree let's you'll hang out we'll stay and. And let's bring out another guest. This guy, Randy and I have known him for 25 years. I'm going to give him only one credit that you guys might remember him from. He was in the TV show Apartment 2F. Which was our show.

Which was our show. That's where you probably remember him most from. Would you please welcome our good friend, Zach Galifianakis. Zach Galifianakis! Zach and Gene! Did we get your credit right? Did we get the credit right? I wasn't paying attention.

You weren't paying attention. Just like every day on the set. Okay, so, Zachy, how are you? I'm doing well, thank you. You come from North Carolina, is that correct? Yeah, why do you have to yell it? Because I don't know what a microphone does. I'm from the south.

That is Birmingham. There's no Waffle Houses in the north. Have you been to a Waffle House? Are they good? Have I been to a Waffle House? You've had to pick up your brother Greg from a Waffle House. I spent Thanksgiving at Waffle House. do a Waffle House? Yes. Of course I did. You've had to pick up your brother Greg from a Waffle House. I spent Thanksgiving at Waffle House. I love Waffle House.

I've actually cooked in a Waffle House. What? If you get drunk enough. They let you cook. Anything's possible. I have a photo of me cooking at a Waffle House in Atlanta. It was probably better than it actually was. It's good.

Have you ever eaten there? I have eaten. We've eaten at a Waffle House. Charlie Goodnight's, you walk past a Waffle House from the hotel, but I think they close it down. I always wanted to go there and I never made it in. We ate at Biscuitville, which is another spot down there. Take it on down to Biscuitville.

I used to know the kid whose parents owned Biscuitville. Did you? I'm sure he never mentioned that at a party. Exactly. I'm sure he had a lot of self-awareness. Is that their last name? Biscuitville? Yeah.

That's awesome. Doug and Sheila Biscuitville. And their little son, Gary. What are we going to do with our lives, honey? Well, there's only one thing we can do. That's right. Open a Waffle House. Open a Waffle House. That's right.

They changed their name. The real last name was not Biscuitville. They changed it for the business. Their real last name was Pancake City. But that had already been taken. I did actually grow up with the people, the Jacuzzis. Not shitting you. Are you for real? The people that, the Jacuzzis. Not shitting you.

Are you for real? The people that invented the Jacuzzi? Well, Jacuzzi brand Whirlpools was, I always thought, oh, this is just the name of a thing. But no, it's the Jacuzzi family. Nuh-uh. No.

Did they love just hanging out? Jason Jacuzzi was in my... They loved to hang out with six to eight people. They really wanted your knees to like touch when they were hanging out. But you could only hang out with them for like 30 minutes. And then you'd get a little nauseous

and need to get out. We gotta get the fuck out of there. But if you hung out with them and then went and hung out with the pools, and you got, it was cold over there. Can you imagine how many people were conceived in front of them? What did Robert Schimmel call a jacuzzi? A jacuzzi at a gym, he called it a dick cappuccino. A dick cappuccino?

Dick cappuccino. Because there was foam on the top. We don't know. May he rest in peace, Robert Schimmel. Which, by top. We don't know. May he rest in peace. May he rest in peace. Which, by the way, I've started saying may he rest in peace to people who are still alive. Because I'm a parent of small children, and you just want to give someone a good night's sleep. That's all.

Okay. Should we get into it? You want to do a story? Should we jump into another story? Zach, you want to do a story? Okay, good. All right. You guys ready for another story?

Should we do one more? All right, here we go. You guys ready for another story? Should we do one more? Here we go. The story was sent in by Catherine Tuck. Catherine Lorna. K-A-T-H-E-R-I-N-E-L-O-R-N-A. She sends in good ones.

Thank you. Catherine, thank you so much. You are a loyal member of the town. And I can tell you guys, we've got a green light. Oh! Explain it. Explain it to these people, Dan. So there is a newspaper called the TC Palm in Florida,

and a gentleman writes for them by the name of Will Greenlee. Will, we think, has to hit a certain number of words at every article, and he includes the most random facts that anyone would know. He explains to you things that you already know. We had Patton on the show. We did a Greenlee and he explained how an anchor works. An anchor, commonly found along the side of a boat, can be dropped into water

to make sure you stay in one place. So that told me that he's at 1,100 words and needs to hit 1,500. He's explained beer before. I think one time he went on a run of just delve into the back catalog of REO Speedwagon.

He told us what a dustpan was. So what happens is, in these stories, I take those facts, and then I maybe write in a couple facts myself. You have to guess who wrote that needless information. Was it Dan fucking with us, or was it Greenlee?

It's like Balderdash. Oh, it's really fun. It's like Pictionary for dumb people, yeah. Port St. Lucie. Of course it's Port St. Lucie. That was you. It was me. Zach's got a point.

Okay, let's go to Fort Lauderdale. All right. Girl Scout cookies come in some spectacular flavors, but is marijuana available in Girl Scout cookies come in some spectacular flavors. But is marijuana available in Girl Scout cookie flavor? Who is he, Ken Kratz? Is that a possibility? Evidently so, according to the information in an arrest affidavit.

Port St. Lucie Police. That'll warm you up for a Shakespeare in the Park. On October 9th, went to an address in the 300 block of Northeast Coleman Court for a narcotics complaint. Investigators met Katrina Patrick. You already know she's trouble. This is what I love.

Out the gate, they walk up. This is Katrina Patrick. Investigators met Katrina Patrick, who instantly said she, quote, knew this would happen. That's her opening line. They get out of the car. I knew it! I knew this was happening.

I wish I had heard that in the Waffle House video. I knew this. Again! From the kid? From the 10-year-old kid? I always say, you know exactly what didn't happen by whatever the first thing someone says to the cops. I did not beat the shit

out of that giraffe. Yes, you did. We haven't said a word to you yet, Glenn. I said, ma'am, what's your name? I didn't hit the kid. Yes, you did. She said, quote, she knew this would happen as her sister, quote, threatened

to call the police on her. You got a couple of gals living together and one of them is sick of Katrina's shit. Police were allowed to search the home and a shed. A shed? Can I just go back?

For a second, I thought that her name was sick of Katrina's shit. The other person's name was... I thought that her name was Sick of Katrina's shit. The other person's name was... I was like working out. Sick of Katrina's shit. She's like Samoan. Police were allowed to search the home and a shed.

A shed is a small structure commonly used for storing lawn equipment, tools, or firewood. Was that written by Greenlee or Dan or me? Now, you are our guest, gentlemen, so you can

go first, Tig, which is second, third, or fourth. Would either one of you like to say when you would like to go? Oh, so... Wait, is this like... Is it replay where if we get it right we can guess on the next one as well? No.

Are you saying we don't guess until we think it's yours? No, you guessed right now. Do you think it was Greenlee or me? I think it was Greenlee. I think that was you. That was Greenlee. I think that is 100% Will Greenlee. The person who wrote A shed is a small structureructure Commonly Used for Storing

Lawn Equipment Tools or Firewood was written by... I think we should let two people guess. Yeah, let's let two people in the audience guess. Okay, raise your hand

if you'd like to guess right here in the Santa hat. What's your name? Jennifer. Jennifer, welcome to town. What do you guess? Who do you think wrote that statement?

I guess D.B. You think Dan did. Okay, all right. Anybody else? Right at the middle there in the back there, right there, you, sir. Greenlee. Greenlee, what's your name? Dallas think Dan did? Okay. All right. Anybody else? Right at the middle there, in the back there, right there. You, sir.

Greenlee. Greenlee, what's your name? Dallas. Dallas. Welcome to town, Dallas. Let me grab one more person. Somebody up front. Go, sir.

What's your name? By the way. What is it? Todd. Todd. Hello. Greenlee. Although Todd did raise his hand like this,

which I take offense to. As Jews, that's a little offense to that. For the listener at home, he made a fist. Is that frowned upon? Not anymore. Not in this administration. It seems like it's catching on.

It was a nice run. It's totally taking off. A shed is a small structure commonly used for storing lawn equipment, tools, or firewood was written by? Daniel Van Kirk. Oh, you fooled us, Dan. Gallop won to Galifianakis.

In the shed, they reported finding a purple plastic prescription bottle with a, quote, Girl Scout cookies label on it. Always good to label the drugs that are going in the cookies. The label includes the advice do not operate heavy machinery. As you on most boxes of Thin Mints. They say the same fucking thing. We will now look at this. Anyone who thinks that's posing

as a cookie is the dumbest person I've ever met. So that's the name of the weed. Yes. It's Girl Scout cookies. We ordered some of that great Girl Scout cookie shit. And I can tell you, it's good. It is good.

It is good. Girl Scouts have sold cookies since at least 1917. Oh my god, come on. And for decades, the Scouts baked their own cookies with help from mothers and community members, according to the the Scouts baked their own cookies with help from mothers and community members, according to the Girl Scouts website.

Who thinks you need to know when Girl Scouts started selling cookies for this article to make more sense? These guys are 10-50. Me or Greenlee? Will or Zach? I'm going to go with Greenlee on that one, too. Okay, Will says Greenlee.

I agree. Okay, Zach says Greenlee. Jason? I say Greenlee. Okay. I'm going to say Greenlee. Okay that one, too. Okay, Will says Greenlee. I agree. Okay, Zach says Greenlee. Jason? I say Greenlee. Okay. I'm going to say Greenlee. Okay, we got Greenlees all around. Who else would like to play who is here at this town hall?

Gentleman right here. What's your name? Joe. Good to see you again, Joe. How are you? Welcome back to town. Joe, who wrote that? That is Greenlee.

That is Greenlee. Anybody else? You're so confident. One more, one more, one more. Greenlee. What's your name? Greenlee. Your name is Greenlee Anybody else? You're so confident One more Greenlee What's your name? Greenlee Your name is Greenlee? Whoa

Stop Greenlee is Greenlee Are you the Greenlee? Are you the Will Greenlee? Are you Will Greenlee? Because Please I wish

Okay We'll kick everybody else off the stage We'll watch you write your next story Yes I'll put you in The Hangover 4. How about that? We've already shot it. Oh, sorry.

Okay. We'll put you in on reshoots. That's fine. We've already shot those. And we've done five and six. DVD extras. I was in it. Got cut out.

That's all right. Road trip. Cut out of that too. Who cares? I do. You got it. Brody Stevens. Brody Stevens. Hang out on Wood too. Who cares? I do. You got it. Brody Stevens. Brody Stevens.

Hang out on Woodman. Okay. Take Fountain. Better than Sunset. Midori Sushi. Next to a McDonald's. All you can eat. Close the one on Hazeltine. You got it. Yes. If you don't know what I'm doing,

that's on you. Or maybe you're better off. You need to be a better comedy fan. Okay, here we go. My favorite thing is Dan's comedic device of restacking the papers every time he's... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you know I mean business.

Okay. Girl Scouts have sold cookies since 1917, and for decades, the Scouts baked their own cookies with help from mothers and community members. According to the Girl Scout Cookies website, it was written by... Will Greenlee. Yes!

And I knew it. This feels good. In 1936, the National Girl Scout Group started the process of licensing commercial bakers to make the cookies that would be sold around the country. Who said that? That is... I think...

Zach said 100% right now, so I want him to answer first. Zach, what do you think? I think that is still him, greenly. I'm going to go with you then, because I want to even up... Yeah, no, I think that's you, Dan. Dan, that's you.

That's you. Okay, let's keep it rolling. The person who said in 1936 the National Girl Scout Group started the process of licensing commercial makers to make the cookies that would be sold around the country was written by Will Greenlee.

By the 1960s the cookies came in several varieties. Wait, how far is he from what fucking happened in this story? Oh, I know. We forgot all about Katrina Patrick who knew this shit would happen. I knew it.

And you knew she like walked very fast out on her lawn. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? I hope she said I knew this shit would happen

and just got in the car. Man, we haven't even talked to you yet. It don't matter. It doesn't matter. I knew it. By the 1960s, the cookies came

in several varieties including chocolate mint, now known as thin mints, or, as I like to call them, subpar to Samoas. Nope. That is absolutely not. I will fall out of a ceiling and fist fight you over it.

Okay, fine. I hope your pants... What did you say? I hope your pants are on. Who did you say? Who? Who wrote that? Oh, who wrote that?

That was Greenlee. We voted on this, right? No, we haven't pants are on. Who did you say? Who? Who wrote that? Oh, who wrote that? That was Greenlee. We voted on this, right? No, we haven't yet. Okay. Who said this? That next piece is... By 1960s, the Girl Scout cookies came in several varieties, including chocolate mint, now known as Thin Mints. Do you think Will Greenlee has taken us now four steps away from this story?

Four steps away from this story. I do. I do. Greenlee has taken us now four steps away from this story? I do. I do. Greenlee? Zach? This is like a Bill Burbitt. He's like, how far can I dig down before I bring you back? Are they broken up in paragraphs?

Oh yeah, we have nine more. Come on, Dan, stop. I think it's still him. Okay, Jason? This goes against every principle of journalism. I just want to say that about what he's doing.

It's him. Okay. It's him. The person who wrote that? Will Greenlee. There you go. I knew it. This guy's unbelievable.

To date, girls... Did his editor die and then he's just keeping alive like Weekend at Bernie's style? That's right. And just writing whatever he wants. To date, Girl Scout cookies have not been offered in a marijuana variety. I'm just going to tell you Greenlee wrote that. Okay.

As for the Girl Scout cookies bottle, police said it contained a small amount of pot. Other bottles in the shed had labels reading Purple Punch, Z'Kittles, that's like Skittles with a Z, Z'Kittles, and Blue Kush. Purple Punch is lost on this journalist, but Z'Kittles is likely a reference to the popular candy Skittles. Delighting children and adults since 1972, like the cookies,

Skittles is not known to have any weed-related flavors. In fact, despite their varying colors, all Skittles have the same flavor. Who wrote that? Will Greenlee or Daniel Van Kirk? Zach? I think you wrote that.

There was a word that was a little bit different. Too smart for Greenlee. I'm kind of going on semantics and syntax. Will Forte? Were you this perplexed when you were at the Raiders' black hole yesterday? No. Okay, good enough. I just want to say, if it was him,

there are some issues just not like just information based grammatical it's not just bad journalism but also some bad writing that doesn't make it not by Greenlee if it is you

then I apologize in advance for criticizing your writing I'm going to say it's him I think it is you, then I apologize in advance for criticizing your writing. That's okay. I'm going to say it's him. I think it's you, Dan. I love that Zach asked us, what am I doing on this show tonight? Am I doing stand-up or are we just going to do comedy?

Am I going to do stand-up or are we just going to do comedy? One or the other. Either or. Do I come out and just be weird on stage or are you guys going to be funny? Very low-key burn from Jason Sparrow. Am I going to do my thing or is it going to be funny? And I said... That was worse.

I'm going to change mine. It's you. And it turns out we're doing none of those things I'm going to say that was Dan You tried to trick us by saying this journalist The person who went on a Skittles rant Was written by Daniel VanCamp I knew it

Film buffs may note that Blue Kush Is a reference to the 2002 Splash It starring Kate Bosworth as a hardcore surfer girl as she prepares for the big competition when she finds herself falling for a football player. The marijuana does not seem to be officially licensed product of the film.

That is fucking Greenlee. That's Greenlee all the way. It's Greenlee. It's Greenlee all the way. It's Greenlee. Zach? That's Dan. The person who thinks that Blue Kush is a reference to Blue Crush.

Is that the movie about the woman who's a one-armed surfer? No. What movie is that? Soul Survivor. That's the... And she worked at a waffle house. Is that right? What is this?

What am I... That was written by Daniel Van... All right. Zach, did you run the table? He has. You got them all right. One more time.

Here we go. Police also reported finding a variety of marijuana-related goods in other spots. Katrina Patrick was arrested on two counts of possession of more than 20 grams of marijuana and a single count of drug equipment possession and or use. We'll get out of here on this.

I'm going to ask you, how old is Katrina Patrick? The woman who lives with her sister said that she knew this shit would happen and is hiding weed in the shed. How old? This is a beautiful round of Guess the Age. Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price.

Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Late 40s. Pick an age. Mid to late 40s. Pick an age. Mid to late 40s. I'll allow it.

49. Which is mid 40s. Jason, you're going to go Tig? I'll go Tig. I'm going to say she is 37. 37. Will Forte? I'm going to say she is 37. 37. Okay. Will Forte?

I'm going to go the other way, and I'm going to say she's 56. 56. Randy Sklar? I love how that was the other way. I'm going to say 34, but a grandmother. I would like three quick townies to play with us If you want to play around and guess the age You get your hand up right now

All the way back here Gentlemen I think I can't tell though I'm sorry if I'm wrong And your name is? Hi Patrick thanks for coming There's a kid in the audience I'm so glad we've been talking about all this stuff Okay great

34 Stick it with Randy on that one right here 71 in the audience who I'm so glad we've been talking about all this stuff. Okay, great. 34. Stick it with Randy on that one right here. 71. Oh my God, is she 71? Ryan, what was your name? If you say Gary Kidd, I swear to God we're ending the show. What is it? Jordan. Thanks for coming, Jordan.

Wait, how old are you? Did you guys already talk to him? No, we haven't talked to Jordan. How old are you? 12. Get out of here. No, wait. How old are you? Did you guys already talk to him? No, we haven't talked to Jordan. How old are you? Twelve. Get out of here. No.

No. Scram. Wow. Scram. How much homework? Zach has the right to do it. Jordan, you've got to go. Jordan, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jordan.

You have to go. Are you with an adult? No, no. He just showed up. No, no, no. He is looking to meet. Okay. You're too young.

This is a bumble date. He's meeting someone here. He's on kid Tinder, guys. Let's go. Kinder is what it's called. There you go. We found it. You swipe category.

Okay, Katrina Patrick. Who knew this shit was going to happen. She knew it. Knew it. Standing on the porch, screaming, cigarette hanging out of her mouth. I'm thinking Virginia Slim 600. She definitely had the cut-off jean shorts where the pockets are showing underneath. You know what I mean?

She is. You're talking strapless shirt, not strapless bra? Oh, yes. She is. Thank you. I'm talking box of Marlboro Red in the bra. Right there. She said it on the exhale.

I knew this shit was going to happen. Blowing it out. First of all, can you say, did anybody get it exactly right? No one got it exactly right. But I will tell you this. Someone is only one year old. Oh, fuck you, Jordan.

God damn it. 72. Sorry, I just always want to say, fuck you to a child. And I can't do it to my own kids. Will thinks it's 72 now. Brian. Brian or Ryan?

Brian. Okay. It's Brian. All right. Thanks, Brian. Thanks, Brian. Thanks, Brian. This whole life.

Katrina. Katrina. Katrina? No. Katrina Patrick. Dan's sister. Hold on one second. Yeah. I mean, don't you have school tomorrow? No. Katrina Patrick, Dan's sister. Hold on one second. Yeah.

I mean, don't you have school tomorrow? No. He doesn't. He's on break already. Are you on break already, Jordan? No. In his brain. In his mind, he's already gone.

He's turned out. Do you bring your dad backstage? I'm going to talk to him tonight. Are you kidding me? Three hours ago, his dad was looked into the eyes and told, you're finally getting a night with our son. And if you want to keep having these nights, I trust you'll make a good decision.

Yeah, no, Susan. I'm putting him to bed right now. That was his cell phone call out by the snack bar. I know you're not going to take him. He's almost sleeping. If you keep talking to me on the phone, he's not going to go to sleep. The dad just texted, he's in bed.

He was like, look, just because you and I didn't work out doesn't mean I'm going to take him to a comedy club across from a strip club. I know what I'm doing, all right? If you don't believe me, just ask Brian over here. You guys, at the meet and greet, I saw Jordan playing with a pocket knife. No.

Yeah. He was just waving it around. He just looked at me and went, shh. By the way, in the little engine that could, in that book, one of the toys that's in there is like an open pocket knife. What? Yes.

They're like, here's some balls, and here's some candy, and here's a pocket knife that a child would play with. Jordan. Are you ready? Yes. Katrina Patrick is... 33 years old.

Oh! Jordan, you are one off! Jordan, you and I. I love her. One off. And we just showed a picture of Katrina who I'm assuming got her first cigarette from a substitute teacher.

I mean, to me, I would caption this picture waiting to exhale right here or waiting for Godot. She just looks pissed. She is like... Can I say I love her in Glow, the gorgeous ladies of wrestling?

Yeah. Why not? She looks like a badass. I know. All right, that is story. Story number two! Oh, yeah! All right, we're going to have these guys stay if we can.

Bring Ted Leo out to play one more song, and then we're going to take some stories from you guys. Sure. And Dan gets to play with those, because normally Dan preps these stories. He knows all the answers. But if you guys have brought a story, there will be a mic, I think, set up in the crowd over there.

Right over there. Come down. Let's welcome Ted Leo. Ted Leo. By the way, Ted Leo, as you set up, you got some shows that you're going to be doing in January and February, in the new year, if people can see them and see all those dates and come see you live. This is for people who are listening at home

at tedleo.com. Am I right? That's right. Go see him live. he is the fucking best As you know As you guys Alright, enjoy All the time you were keeping me straight I was bleeding powers In my mind it was never too late

And the days are ours And sure the waves still make spray At the old seawall. And the road leads somewhere, but it's not yet to your door. Yeah, the road leads somewhere, but it's not yet to your door. door Let's go down to the old South End where we used to meet Take me back to the basements and alleys on Warped Bridge Street Oh, but it'll only make me sadder when I can't conjure ghosts no more

And the road leads somewhere But it's not yet to your door Yeah, the road leads somewhere But it's not yet to your door guitar solo All that time you spent working away Well, you've done more than your part All the times you only wanted to say Not their slings and darts And still you couldn't let them drown in their own hate no more

And the road leads somewhere But it's not yet to your door Yeah, the road leads somewhere But it's not yet to your door And you still see people waiting Leads somewhere but it's not yet to your door And you still see people waiting For the next excuse for war Oh, oh

And the road leads somewhere But it's not yet to your door Yeah, the road leads somewhere But it's not yet to your door, yeah, the road leads somewhere, but it's not yet to your door. Yeah, the road leads somewhere, but it's not yet to your door. Ted Leo, right there, everybody! Thank you. Thanks, buddy. Stick around, make a sound, there's more at Don't People Town.

Again, TedLeo.com, come see him whenever you see him live. It occurred to me as you were playing, how come there has never been a Billy Bragg cover band called Billy Humble Bragg? Oh, yes. Literally just sing songs about the 1%. Right. All right.

Fuck all of them. That's far, bro. Especially Jordan. Jordan left at this time. We wanted to be in a Guess Who cover band called That's Who. All right, fuck you. Don't change. I'm not changing.

I'm digging in my heels even deeper. We're going to do actually one little story, all of us together, and then we're going to bring people up to do their stories. Okay, Ted, hang out. You stay for this one because he might play a little music as people track it. All right, are you ready? Yeah, yeah.

One last little story. Here we go, friends. It's quick. It's a quickie. This was sent in by Carleen McDermid at SheBeCarleen. Carleen is the official name of

stepmoms everywhere. Carleen. Oh, yeah. God damn it, Carleen. I'm giving you guys a warning now about what happens in this. If you are squeamish, I'm giving you guys a warning now about what happens in this. If you are squeamish, I'm sorry. Jordan, you're about to learn some things. This is what Zach was worried about.

Cake. This has become like a coming of age night. This is like Jordan, stand by me. Greatest movie of all time. Bo Burnham is shooting this as the sequel to 8th Grade. Oh, perfect. Cake maker Rebecca

Pilkington has designed all sorts of creations over the years, from birthday cakes to Christmas cupcakes. Her orders for your typical celebrations come thick and fast. I don't know what that means. Wow. I don't know what that means.

Jordan's here, so we're not going to make any jokes about it. Hang on. When did this become the AVN Awards? But one of her most recent bakes was for something a little different. And we think you'll agree that it's a little weird. The mom of three was asked to make a baby shower cake for a customer's sister. And she didn't just want any old cake. She wanted a cake showing

a baby being born. Oh my god. In all its glory. I've seen a baby being born. It is the greatest thing in the world. A person coming out of another person. Not great for a cake. I don't think that's a great cake choice.

Can you just cut me a piece of the labia? I just want a little of the labia. Now that we're digging into this, you can really taste the placenta. But can I ask, there's a tasteful way to do it. There is. Like if the person is wearing jeans with a stretchable area

and the baby's wearing a with a stretchable area. Yes. And the baby's wearing a nice frock. Yes. You can class it up. It's a cake. You can do whatever you want. Rebecca, 40.

Why we need the cake maker's age. Because she should know better. She should know better. She should know better than to accept that job. She's been making cakes long enough. Yeah. Who's been running her cake-o-rama business in Loughton Wigan. This is from the Manchester Evening News.

For seven years said, they came to me and said they had seen a picture of a baby's head being born and they wanted one for the baby shower. I'm going to show you guys a picture of Rebecca. It's Rebecca! Chill out! Chill out. Come on. Welcome to town, guys. This is Largo. This isn't

Dynasty typewriter. Come on. Let's go. Flip it up. Alright. Who for their business profile picture is them in a bathroom? Showing like an inch and a half of cleavage. Listen, I want my cake, but I want it from someone who's not afraid

to show a little something. Good for her. They insisted. Is this the woman that is this the person that makes the cake? This is our cake maker. This is her LinkedIn profile picture. You can have your cake and eat it too. That the cake

had poo and that it looked very realistic. I know. I know, guys. But you know what? I was forced to look at this and now you are too. Let me ask you this, Dan. Before I see it, is this the last thing I'm going to see before I die?

We can arrange it. Okay. Fair enough. I'll have my penis ready just in case you're dying. That's the last thing. Okay, good. Thank you.

Thank you. Prop your eyes open. Thank you. Appreciate that. Jordan 2. Jordan 2. Quote, I've been making cakes for the past seven years, but I've never been asked to make one like that before.

After baking a normal sponge, it took the mum of three, we've got to keep hearing about these goddamn kids, around an hour to add the butter, cream, and strawberry jam filling and decorate it. Oh, God. Time for us... You lose a lot of blood. You have more blood than you need to have as a mom.

It does create a nice moment where you don't say, let's light the candles. You're like, let's cut the cord on this kid. I think you'd make a better pie, though. That's a mic drop. Paul F. Tompkins bit. Cake or pie? Always pie. Sticking a

doll's head on top and adding more jam and chocolate sprinkles. While it might not have been everyone's cup of tea, oh shit, Rebecca said the customer was overjoyed. She said, quote, While it might not have been everyone's cup of tea Oh shit Rebecca said The customer was overjoyed She said quote

I wouldn't be happy if it was for my baby shower But for some reason Loads of people love the idea They thought it was hilarious Now She then said quote The most difficult part of the cake was the poo Believe it or not

it's so hard to make it real i am about to when i was sent this story guys she's making it i thought to myself i'm not carrying this image around by myself the rest of my life nope i gotta share this with jordan we're gonna have a real ring situation here. A 12-year-old child. Jordan, I don't know what they've taught you in sex education. Hang on one second, just in case. All right. Let's get ready. Okay. We're good.

Jordan, we're fine. Oh, Jordan is voluntarily leaving. Jordan. Okay. This is just anatomy, guys. You thought your bar mitzvahs when you become a man tonight. You will not be able to go back from this. Ready?

Oh my god. How are you feeling? I feel good. You can sit down now. There is... Will was at the ready in case Randy needed to look at something else. I'm going to let all of you guys take that in.

Jordan, that's exactly what it looks like, dude. That is exactly what it looks like. What's your favorite part, guys? Is it the nightmares you haven't had yet? What was the series on Netflix that people were like puking because it was so scary? Yeah.

This is worse. This is... Can I just ask a... Yes. Is the baby's head, is that cake material? No, no, no. Doll's head.

That's too bad. I know. Because that's nice. You were about to say that's nice work. I was going to say, well, that makes a difference. But if you just did a cake and then shoved a doll, then I don't know. She did some real design on that cake. I mean, this opens the door to make a C-section strudel.

I mean, that's... Why not? Why not? Let's keep going with it. I want a colon cake. So that is poo coming out. Well, that's not... Again, that's not real.

That's chocolate. That's chocolate. It's a ganache of some sort. If I walked into your goddamn baby shower and you have that, I will walk straight to you and say, I'm sorry, we're not friends anymore. Eat up, ladies.

Well, all these gems will be on the Facebook page. Join the Facebook community. Should we have some townies? Who brought a story? Are the microphones down there? Line up down there. Somebody has a story. Someone come. Ted's going to play a little

traveling music for you. All right, there. Somebody has a story. Ted's going to play a little traveling music for you. There we go. Oh, yes. Here we go. Beautiful. Ted Leo. Welcome to town. Hi, Kathy. Kathy is a city council member of Dumb People Town.

Thank you. She presides over stupidity. Kind of every day Every day Alright hit us So try saying this five times fast A guy wearing Crocs That's enough that's all we need to hear

That's dumb Jumped into the crocodile And ponded an alligator farm What? This happened in Florida Florida Michigan? pond at an alligator farm. What? This happened in Florida. Okay. Florida, Michigan? Michigan? The other part.

A man was arrested after allegedly breaking into a park Monday night and deciding to take a swim in the Nile crocodile enclosure. A neighbor called 911 at 6.50am the next morning to report a suspicious person wearing only his underwear crawling in a backyard near the park. Underwear and Crocs though. He's wearing Crocs. Well yeah, he's not.

He's not an idiot. He's not a dummy. I know. How many times was he like swimming in the Nile pond saying, see Karen? There's nothing here. Like, who's, there's nothing here. Like, who's Karen? All the times. All right.

So, the farm itself soon made its own 911 call to report vandalism. A pair of Crocs and a pair of shorts were floating in the crocodile pond. That is vandalism. You fucking leave your Crocs around somewhere. That is vandalism. In some cultures, that is seen as a sign of aggression. Let me just say that. A bloody trail was found heading to the top of a 20-foot tall structure

near it, and a $3,000 statue had been knocked over. When the cop called up... Who's got an alligator farm? They have an alligator farm, and they're like, let's put the expensive statue out by the alligators. Hold on, this sounds like a good idea

for a cake. statue out by the alligators. Hold on. This sounds like a good idea for a cake. Got the blood. That would be awesome. All right. When the cops located the boxer-clad man,

he claimed he had been bitten by an alligator, and we put two and two together, the police spokesperson told the Florida Times-Union. Yeah, exactly. Brandon Keith Hatfield had been charged with burglary and criminal mischief. He also allegedly damaged part of a snack bar, toppled over the fence. Well, now you've crossed the goddamn line.

Now you've really upset us. You start messing up the Wachamacallits, we're not friends. The frozen Snickers, this guy's a heathen. And signs in the park before entering the oasis on the Nile exhibit. He jumped off a five to six foot structure into about two feet of water. And I bet he dove. That is not a good

ratio. God, I wish he would have dove. Then climbed up the 20 foot structure later, which we now know had the blood trail, said the park director. In our 125-year history, this is the first time anyone has tried to go swimming with crocodiles.

Well, the breakup's not going well. See, Karen? He was allegedly in the exhibit for four hours. You guys are my friends now. You guys get me, right? Jeez. The damaged statue can only be accessed by swimming in the croc pond. Security footage shows a nine-foot-long croc lunging at Hatfield, then locking onto his left foot.

What? He was crawling through that yard. I mean, what do you mean? When he escapes to the edge of the pool, per the arrest report, he ultimately managed to fight the croc off and get away. We're not friends anymore, Gerald. Alright, so it is time to guess the age.

Here we go. How old is this guy? Here's what we know. He's got enough strength to climb a 20-foot structure. Crocodiles usually live about... We're guessing the human. The guy's age.

Not the crocodile's age. Not Gerald. Just measure his tooth and we'll find out how old he is. I'm going to guess that this man is 26 years old. Alright, 26 from Daniel. I think he is 32,

but he looks like he's 58. I'm going to stay with 56 because at some point... It will be right. 12. You hear that, Jordan? The man is 12. Because I guess that's how old you are

when you're a man to go to adult shows. You're 12. That's like your decision to be here. It's just good decision making, Jordan. I'm going to say this was like a 21st birthday present he gave himself. Ted, what do you think? I'm going right in between. I'm going to say 25.

25. All right. I'm going to have to rent a car. Townies, get your answers in. All right. You want to grab one for anybody here? Yeah, there's a woman right there. 47. Your name?

Lauren. Lauren, 47. All right, give it to us. One more? One more. I'm going to show you right here, this gentleman. 37. 37.

All right. The crock-wearing, croc-bitten dude from Florida was 23 years old. 23! Right in between us. Nicely done.

Thank you, Kathy. Thank you, Kathy. Nicely done. Any other townies? Anybody else? I think I see one. Alex. Alex, how are you, buddy? This is how good the town's getting. I'm knowing these people.

We hung with Alex. Thanks for coming to the meet and greet, Alex. Also a city council member. Hit us. Headline is, DeKalb man breaks into house, drinks paint. Drinks paint. DeKalb, 17 miles from Rochelle, Illinois, my hometown.

Spent a lot of time in DeKalb. Drinks paint is just perfect. Police said Brian M. Burke, a DeKalb man, broke into two Sycamore homes. It's B&B to you, asshole. That's right. If you're nasty. Because I'm B&B. I'm dynamite.

I'm B&B. I keep it tight. B&B. I'll hit you with my left or my right. B&B. That's what he's singing as he's drinking. Yeah. By the way,

if this isn't an ad for Benjamin Moore, I don't know what is. Right? Our paint is so good, you want to drink it. Benjamin Moore Burke broke into two Sycamore homes and drank blue acrylic paint at the second before being arrested. I knew it was blue. Oh, yeah. I'm sure. And you know, the second home, he was like, oh, sweet.

This place has paint. You're not far off. I'm thirsty. Tell me I can't be in the Blue Man Group. Tell me I can't be. I'm an understudy. Police said they got a call from a homeowner around 3 a.m. Saturday

reporting a burglar was in the house. Sycamore Police Commander Steve Cook said the residents yelled at Burke to get out and they thought he was drunk. So they were treating him like a wreck. Get out of here. Hey! Hey!

Get out of here, asshole! Get out of here! Go! Nobody wants you. I know. They never have. That's right. I just made B&B a sympathetic character. Dan changed. They never have. That's right. I just made B&B

a sympathetic character. Dan changed your mind about him in an act out. You know there was a moment where he was like, if you don't stop yelling at me, I'm going to drink this paint. They're like, yeah, whatever. What do you want, B&B? A dad? Oh, man.

Before officers arrived, Burke went to the house next door whose resident called about an intruder. He was found in that house. Police said he stole a bottle of cranberry juice from the refrigerator in the first house and that he took a bottle of blue acrylic paint and drank some at the second house.

Sounds to me like he's trying to beat a drug test. Or turn purple. It was on his face and around his lips, mouth, and nose, Cook said. What paint? Cook said Burke also took a bottle of glue, and it wasn't clear why Burke drank the paint. I have no motive, he said, adding Burke didn't need any medical treatment. What a fun weekend.

He himself said... Oh, I'm sorry. He said, I have no motive. The police commander said that he doesn't understand. He had no motive. Oh, he had a motive. He got kicked out of somebody's top eight on MySpace.

He wanted to get on Dumb People Town. That's a great story, man. Thank you very much. Wait, Alex, is that it? You guys want to play Guess the Age? Yeah, let's guess the age on this dude. All right, we'll get out of here. This is our last one.

All right, you want to guess? Go ahead, Dan. DeKalb, but he's partying in Sycamore. Dan getting deep on this guy. Well, I mean, Sycamore is where the JCPenney is. Okay, all right, fine. Get it. Upscale.

Man, I'm going to go 27 years old. I'm going to say this guy is 49. Full disclosure. Which, by the way, when it comes out of my mouth, sounds super old. I will be 47 in a month. I have a little extra knowledge. DeKalb is a college town as well.

So this could be... I want everybody on the same page. 56 has not... That's great. Every time. 56 has not been working for me. It might, though. I'm going to say... 55.

There you go. Way to change it up. Thanks for going in a different direction. What did you say? 27? Yes. 56.

Oh, this is going to fucking kill me. I hope it is 56 so badly. I know. If it's 56, we're just walking. All of us drop mics and walk. You guys, everybody leaves. Everybody drops everything and just walks out. If it's 56, we're just walking. We'll just drop, all of us drop mics and walk. You guys, everybody leaves. Everybody drops everything and just walk out. Just walk out into traffic and just end it.

If it's 56, I'm going to kill myself looking at the picture of the cake. The baby. What? Oh, what? I'm going to say this guy is 12. No, I'm going to say he's 19. 19. No, no, 19.

Am I allowed to also say 49? Yeah, say whatever you want. I'm jumping on 49. Okay, now, before we get this answer, I would like to personally thank Jason and Randy Sklar for being along with me on this ride with 100 episodes. It has been a pleasure. 100 episodes.

Thank you, Dan. Thank you. Will and Zach, thank you for sharing the stage. episodes. Thank you, Dan. Thank you. Will and Zach, thank you for sharing the stage with us. Will Arnett, Zach Galvanetti, Ted Villargo, Will Forte, Noah, our producer. And I'll tell you, we'll do this

and then Ted Leo's going to play a song and then we'll be out in the... But we're going to come back here and do a show in February. I hope all you guys come back here and join us. Come on, let's do it again. Let's get this out together. All right. Alex.

Alex. How old is the paint-drinking man with no motive? It feels like there's a lot of pressure to say 56, right? Yeah, there's a lot. You could just lie and make a lot of people happy. Don't you lie. Tell the truth. He is...

26 years old. Oh! That's fantastic. I'll take it. This has been a blast. This has been Dumb People Town. Oh shit, we gotta get back to work. Thank you guys so much. Ted Leo, play us out. We'll see you guys in the courtyard.

Thank you. Ted Leo, play us out. We'll see you guys in the courtyard. All right, thank you. You don't have to stick around. Me and Johnny sitting in the green grass I don't remember too much from that far back in the past But man, oh man, who was Jonathan a laugh in those days Apparently he was my very best friend We spent warm summer days wishing they would never end But I only know from photographs I look at every now and again

J-J-Johnny Ooh, all he left us is an apple tree Ooh, where'd he go and ooh, why'd he leave and ooh, why do I grieve? I don't ever see Jonathan no more But my life rolls on just like it did before And I only wonder what it is that I even miss him for me and Timmery holding hands I was shaking hers cause she said she was a friend There was an awkward pause and something should have began Just passed us by

But I watched her sing along with every word In the prettiest voice that I've never heard And I still see her dance, oh, wearing? Shut right there Timorous me Oh, timorous Left me with a memory Oh, I was blind And oh, now I find That I can see guitar solo Me and Judy spent a lot of our time

Just sitting in silence, driving late at night And maybe even wondering what's on each other's minds This time But I know she's not me, so I let it ride She's dwelling in a quiet space left behind Where only peace can answer why And you abide The birds must fly Thanks, everybody. Thanks everybody It's a good show