Dumb People Town - Zach Martina - I Am Jack's Failed Robbery

Episode Date: January 18, 2019

Comedian Zach Martina joins the guys to discuss the tale of a bank robber who is nabbed during a cab ride to the liquor store!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you.

Population Martina. Hey guys. Zach Martina. How are you, buddy? I am so great. I feel like I'm at home. Can I tell you that your last name always throws me for a little bit of a, it sounds like your family was coming to Ellis Island. Someone was like, what's your last name?

Your forefathers or your ancestors or whenever that happened, I guess it'd be like older relatives, said Martinez. And they were hearing Martinez, and they're like, hang on a second, and they were talking to someone else, and then they forgot, and then they just kind of cut it off. That is so wild. That's the story my grandfather tells every Christmas.

That's exactly how it happened. Is that how it happened? That's exactly how it happened. I mean, he wasn't there. Halfway through that lie, I believe. That's the story. We retell that story every Christmas it changes a little bit every year

it's the Christmas miracle but it does allow us to call you Zach Martina and Evra Tolova which is something that I've always wanted to call you

and I'm so happy that it finally happens is that an ace? did I just serve an ace right here? I mean I would say like a king of diamonds but I think it was pretty good

I was talking about a tennis ace whatever and he was riffing in the other direction I love it here's the great story about Zach before we get into our story,

our one story this week, is that Randy and I went to Ann Arbor, Michigan, and there was a bit of a communication breakdown between us and the club. It happens. We thought we couldn't bring a feature. First we thought we could bring a feature, then we never heard back as to whether or not we could, so we assumed we couldn't. We show up to the club.

We sit down 10 minutes before the show in Ann Arbor. We're very excited for the show. The guy who runs the club said, so who's your feature? Where's your feature? And we're like, you're kidding, right? You tell us. We'll call him. What if one of you guys hosts, the other one features, and then you both come out to headline?

That's a good idea. No repeat material. That's a good idea. I come out to headline. There's a good idea. No repeat material. There's a good idea. I'm a cartoon character. That's a good idea. Say, hey, mucinics! Hey, a mucus in your stomach. Hey, I'm a lie. I'm a lie. Wasn't that our old bit?

That was an old bit. Hey, a mucus in your stomach. Oh! And so we said, we don't have a feature, because we thought we were, he's like, I thought you were bringing Nate. We were like, uh said we don't have a feature because we thought we were he's like I thought you were

bringing Nate we were like we didn't know we never heard back so we could he's like well there's a guy out in the bar

and I was like is this the beginning of oh yeah this guy in the bar is getting his confidence up just drinking this is how

Star is Born started I know there's a guy out in the bar this is called the Sklar is Born I did my entire set in French the first time they were with me too you really really flipped it Sklar is born started. I know! There's a guy out in the bar. This is called the Sklar is born. I did my entire set in French the first time they were listening to it.

You're really, really smart. You're just on stage. In the shallow lobes. That's been my time. Those are my stories. Yeah,

I came up before the movie. They stole those bits that time. Why did they do that? Why did they do that? And now you can't do them anymore. So he, they said he's a huge fan of yours and he's a great comic and he can open up for you.

And we're like, can he do 30 minutes? Because we didn't know. And she's like, yeah, he's going to headline here. And so we're like, all right, let's... Because there is no host. No. This is the definition. No, there usually is a host.

Usually is a host. So this is the definition of rolling the dice. We're putting like hosting and featuring on someone we don't know. And he was fantastic. And we loved him. So good, and the whole weekend we were just writing bits and writing on his bits, and it just was a blast. The bit I love, I'm gonna make him do this little bit, just

a little piece of it. So the bit was, the bit that we fell in love over. The original bit was, so I lost my dog, and the crowd goes, aww. I found him. Yeah! Great. dog. And the crowd goes, aw. I found him. Yay. Great.

Mangled on the side of the road. Aw. I know. I tried to swerve. Aw. Yay. And so that was the original bit. I tried to swerve, right?

I know I tried to swerve. But then. And it turned to like three minutes. We're like, can you keep going? You can keep going. So now there's this whole bit about the dog having bit a kid and I did what I had to do. But the kid was actually the last name of the postal worker he bit. And he delivered chocolate, but also artisanal soap.

Like there's this. It just keeps turning the audience. Precisely obscured. The crowd is very confused when it's over. I love it. And that's the way we want to put them in. Because the world, maybe they're confused. Maybe they're just dumb. The world is getting dumber. We know this.

And the only way to fight back is comedy. Daniel, let's get into a story. We've got Zach Martina here. Welcome, sir. Thank you for having me, fellas. This was sent in to me by using hashtag Dumb People Town and at me, at Daniel Van Kirk. Do both of those things.

By Let's Not Do N at yeah, no, let's not. This is great. This person is like, yeah, let's not do names. That Twitter handle makes me think that this is about them. Yeah, right. Yes. To me, I feel like they want to do names. Yeah.

Badly. Let's do names. Livingston, which I don't know. Ron? I guess. I don't know. This takes place in Ron Livingston. It's in New Jersey.

It's a movie called Inner Space. Oh, why don't they remake Inner Space? With Martin Short? Yeah, and Dennis Quaid. Yeah, that's a good one. They should do it with Randy Quaid, and he's like on the run. Yeah, I mean, it's a documentary. I bet Randy Quaid thinks there's a little

man injected inside of him right now. Or the Harvey Weinstein story in her space. That's a great one. At Daniel Van Curve. That'll get an R rating for sure. Okay, a local man is in custody after reportedly walking into First National Bank's downtown

location at 11.36 a.m. I'm so proud that finally we have a story where they don't say about. They know what time it happened, and they're telling us. At approximately 11.36. They went to the security camera footage. We have it. It's there. Let's timestamp this.

Walked in at 11.36 a.m. Monday and passed a note to a teller demanding money. Now. It's old school, man. For most people robbing a bank, this would be the most exciting part of their day, right? Yeah. The journey that this man's about to go on and the people he brings in. I can't wait. It's like a Coen Brothers movie.

There's a cast of characters. Thomas. Stuart. Thomas Stuart. Please tell me. Holcomb. What did you want? What did you want? I wanted a third first name Michael

Thomas Stewart Johns Thomas Stewart Jeffrey Have you ever met a first name Johns? No I know there's been a Wells Wells Fargo Johns Hopkins. Yeah, but that's a university.

Johns. Two people's last names. Ruth's Chris. See, there you go again. Ruth's Chris. That's her name. Ruth's Chris. There was a Golden Globe Ruth's Chris joke.

I know. There was a Golden Globe Ruth's Chris joke. Thomas Stuart Holcomb of Livingston. Yeah. The great thing is when we don't, when we don't even know the city and we don't know the state, we can always rely on townies to tell us exactly. That's in New Jersey.

So wait, my town. He's from the town where he's robbing the thing. So people probably know him. Sure. We take from the people we love the most. It does sound like a small town. Yeah. He probably watched half of the town and didn't realize.

Even they drove across the river. Even they left their confines. That's the bridge in Boston. He gets to the middle. Well, that's all I need to see. I got it. Shut down. He just watches Ham's part where he goes, I'll tell you who it is.

It's not fucking a wrong crew. That's who they are. My favorite part of the town. That and when Affleck asked Renner to borrow a car and help him do something, he can never ask him about it again. We're going to hurt some people. It's a great scene. Okay. Thomas Stuart Holcomb, TSH.

T-shish, if you're nasty. T-sh. Of Livingston, was being booked into the Polk County Jail at press time after attempting what was described as a unique getaway. Oh, boy.

I love it. Like, do you wonder right now if a horse is involved? Unicycle. Unicycle juggling. I'm hoping Teen Wolf surfing. I'm on top of the car. I'm on top. Go, go.

Styles, make it happen. Fucking loved Styles. I would love to have seen him try and go away with like fly away with a bunch of balloons. Yeah, that's good too. End of Mary Poppins Returns. What do you think Stiles is doing right now? And if any townie is like, I know Livingston. I don't know Stiles. Teen Wolf, get on board.

Teen Wolf, get on board. It's classic. What do you think Stiles is up to? I don't know. But the guy who played Pee-wee's, you know, Francis in Pee-wee's Big Adventure. Laurence Fishburne. Oh, yeah, that guy? Yeah.

Yeah, Francis. He played on the basketball team. And he was. You're right. They passed him off, A, as a basketballWee's Big Adventure. He played on the basketball team. You're right! They passed him off, A, as a basketball player. He's so sweaty. They passed him off, A, as a basketball player. And B, as a high school kid. He was more believable as a tiny child in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.

That's right. Teen Wolf, Court McCown. Oh, yeah. Court McCown and Teen Wolf. Teen Wolf, they didn't clear the... I'm sorry, are you calling it Woof? Teen Wolf. I thought you called it Teen Wolf.

Teen Wolf. Woof. Yeah, about a very adorable canine. It's got a year bowl. About a teenage woofer. Teen Wolf. People don't know. They didn't clear the whole frame.

And in the final, when they win the championship, someone scrolls across the audience cheering the fans. Someone takes their dick out and starts helicoptering it. No. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. It's still in the cut.

Is it a ghost dick? Like three men and a baby. Yeah, three men and a baby. You see the shotgun. You see the shotgun leaning against the window and then it's a ghost kid with no face. It's not even that. It's a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson, I think. No, it's not. It's a cardboard cutout.

It has a bowl cut. No. It's a cardboard cutout of the kid who died in the apartment. Come on. Plain milk's fine. Go ahead. Officers were gathering for a pre-holiday lunch. I mean, come on.

Pre-holiday. Guys, we got our holiday lunch. It's Arbor Day. We got our pre-holiday lunch. Who's bringing to the pre-holiday lunch? Right. Officers were gathering for a pre- I'll bring the Hawaiian rolls.

Okay, the both. God dang, I love those rolls. Both. They're sweet and chewy. I'll bring the Hawaiian rolls. Okay, the both. God damn, I love those. The both. They're sweet and chewy. I'll tell you what, nobody better interrupt this lunch. I've been looking forward to it all year long. It's our pre-holiday lunch. Listen to Ferguson.

You know what I do? I take those Hawaiian rolls and put a little ham and a little green bean casserole. What I do. I have to have seven of them. What I do is I put the barbecue sauce on it first. Hey, I'm a Hawaiian roll. I like to get it a little hard. I like to crunch it a little bit.

Really? And soft in the middle. I know what he's talking about. These guys. I'm Josh Anamire's mom. Soft in the middle, Josh. Officers were gathering for a pre-holiday lunch meeting at the department and were able to respond quickly to the bank, which was located less than 300 feet away from the police

station. If you're going to rob any bank- That's not the one. That's not the one. And you're from this town. That should not be a shock to you. I didn't know it was there. I didn't know.

The suspect fled on foot with some witnesses reporting he headed west when he left the bank. That's the other thing. Don't rob in a town where everybody says where you are. And probably went to school with you. Jeff's going over there. What's his name? I forget his name. Oh, you're talking about Tommy? He should be called Thomas now. Don't rob in that town. Every time Tommy

would talk to us on High Call, we'd just be like, Let's get out of here. Go rob a bank, Tommy. The suspect played on foot. People said he headed west. Quote, we didn't know if he had a vehicle nearby, so we also sent units to other banks

in the city, says Officer Parrish. I love that they thought he had more of a plan than that. This guy is a dummy. He's going to hit more banks on foot or just more banks in one time. Rochelle only has I thought he had more of a plan than that. This guy is a dummy. Let's not give him too much credit. He's going to hit more banks on foot or just more banks in one time. Rochelle only has three banks. A bank robbing 5K, though, Dan.

A bank robbing 5K. That would be really cool. I'd sign up for that. Do you get a medal? Does everybody get a medal? Yes. Bank security cameras captured detailed photos of the suspect, and moments after LPD posted

the photo online, a jailer identified Holcomb. That's how you know you're lying. A jailer? Tell me! He's like, oh, yeah, TSA? A jailer? Who he later identified Holcomb, who has been booked into Polk County Jail at least four times this year.

Oh, okay. For the record, I got this in November, so it's not like he's crushing 2019. No, but I knew. New year, new you. That's what I was hoping. New year, new you. Where it was. After leaving the bank, the suspect turned south into the shopping center located across the street

from the bank. Never again. Gotta give this guy an exit strategy. So far, he has robbed a bank in a town, 300 feet from the cops, took off running in front of witnesses, and then decided to go into a shopping center. Because he had the money to spend. Close yourself off. You're right.

You're actually right. He went straight to Tape World. Burning a hole in his canvas bag. We got your scotch, we got your batteries, we got your masking. Oh, that kind of tape world? I would say like audio tapes. But I like tape world. I thought you meant worms.

We got duct tape. What do you need? What do you need? They should do it all. Ticket tape. Double-sided. Workers at a home health agency contacted police and said he had shed clothing in the parking lot. Now, if he's across the street.

Right. So he's made a triangle here because I imagine we've got the bank and across the street is the parking lot. Now, if he's across the street, so he's made a triangle here, because I imagine we've got the bank, and across the street is the shopping center, and then over there is the mall. There's the police station. If he has gone across the street, and he's changing clothes,

these people couldn't know that he just robbed a bank. They're just calling the cops. So now you've decided to rob a bank and do something else suspicious. That's what people call the cops on, changing clothes. He's getting charged with bank robbery and streaking and public indecency. Yes.

He's like, there aren't enough things on this crap sheet. Clothes littering. As investigators collected evidence and spoke to witnesses there, they received additional information that the man, that would be Thomas Stuart Holcomb,

they had additional information that the man had been in the subway sandwich shop on South Washington where he caught a cab. So he goes, now he goes into the shopping center, changes his clothes in the parking lot, then goes into a Subway restaurant. What if his order was the same order as my youngest daughter?

You ready for this next time? Have you ever taken your kids to Subway and then watched them order? Manny believes you'll learn new things. They order something that you've never seen them eat in their entire life. Like I'll have a tuna with spinach and lettuce on top of it and put some Italian dressing. I'm like, who the fuck? What the fuck? Who are you?

Are you about to rob a bank? Can you lay a little bit extra of that tuna juice on there too? I like it soft. I didn like, who the fuck? What the fuck? Who are you? Are you about to rob a bank? Can you lay a little bit extra of that tuna juice on there too? What? I like it soft. I didn't even know you ate tuna. Who are you? Do you want a wall?

What is happening? Yeah, I thought I didn't even know you anymore. No, we're not going to give. It's going to be a combination of fencing and censors. Anyway, go ahead. So the guy goes into Subway

and then gets a cab, right? I did not embellish this. This is the next sentence. This is insane. sensors. So the guy goes into Subway and then gets a cab, right? I did not embellish this. This is the next sentence. This is insane. Subway sandwich artist, Terry King. No, no, no. Dan, you wrote that. And the reporter's like, I'm just going to write that you work at Subway. I'll give you the quote if you give me the credit

I do. Thank you. You just write an employee at the sandwich said one eyewitness. I do. Thank you. You just write an employee at the sandwich purveyor. Said one eyewitness. Nope. I'm sorry. Would you call Michelangelo just an employee of the Sistine Chapel?

He was an artist. That's like, ma'am, I could, actually. He was an artist. He was a contract artist. He had a 1099. He was an artist. The first 1099 on record. I'm just going to need to know your social, Michelangelo.

It's like 01. Yeah, 01. 006. There's five other people. It was a long-ass line. He bitched about that line. Subway sandwich artist Terry King said, which is the perfect name. Terry King.

Terry King. You had one of them Terry King specials. No, no. Listen, you can only get that in Livingston. Listen, you give Terry King a look, he going to give you extra meatball. He going to give you extra meatball. I picked up female Terry. That's what I love about Terry.

Everybody can choose their own adventure on who it is. It's like the Baldergash or whatever that thing is. Yeah, Bandersnatch. Bandersnatch. A little pro tip for everybody. I'm not going to tell you why that thing is. Yeah, Bandersnatch. A little pro tip for everybody. I'm not going to tell you why, but if you're watching Bandersnatch, pick up the family photo twice. That's all I'm going to tell you. That's all I'm going to tell you.

That's such a good tip. That's all I'm going to tell you. Bandersnatch. All I'm going to tell you, pick up the family photo twice. Do you want me to Bandersnatch it twice? Yeah. It's going to take up some of my time in Los Angeles now. You know it is.

I don't need this stuff. It's worth it. Pick snatch it twice? Yeah. It's going to take up some of my time in Los Angeles now. You know it is. I don't need this song. It's worth it. Pick it up twice. Okay. Subway sandwich artist Terry King said, Hocum, ordered. Ready for this? What does a man who just shed his clothes in a parking lot...

I'm going to go with my oldest daughter's order. A whopper. Sir, we do not serve those here. We do not, sir. What if I told you I had a vault's worth of money? I'll make a waffle. You make me a falafel, motherfucker. It's a matter of principle, sir. I'm an artist, okay?

You can't tell me. I'll take a leader. I'm sorry, would you ask Michelangelo to sculpt a cola? I don't have leaders. Okay, Subway sandwich artist Terry King said Holcomb ordered a dozen cookies and a chicken bacon ranch sandwich. Dude.

I don't know, Thomas, but that is on brand. That is a great. Chicken bacon ranch is, I'm developing respect for him. That's a meal worthy of celebration. He's proud of something he just did. 12 cookies. It's time to cut loose. Really quick.

I have to sidestep here to ask. Did you really get dominoes at that birthday party? Yeah. 100%. It was the first time we've recorded since you posted that Instagram. People should go back and check out that Sklar Brothers Instagram because you held up some artisanal pizza and you could tell in the comments, you literally

that was a litmus test for who's a fan. Who's a fan of the show because a lot of people were like pizza pizza pizza pizza pizza and we're like no. Then everyone's like dominoes dominoes dominoes dominoes. You listen to the podcast. It's all in the presentation. Jay went to a kid's birthday party one time. Oh, I know.

And you know. Yeah. Logic was the first comment. And he was like, Domino's, Jigga? I was like, yeah. And you know what? There is something. And I have a newfound respect for Domino's.

The cheese-filled bread. Okay, stop, stop, stop. Let's take a break and then we'll finish up this story and you can find out what the hell Thomas did. After making this order. After making this order. Because the journey's not over. Journey's not over.

We have a little more with Zach Martino right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Domino's in people town. All right, Dan, welcome back. All right. Okay, ready?

Yes. So he orders a chicken bacon ranch sandwich and washes it down with a dozen cookies. Then he asked if there was a cab company nearby.

Great idea. By the way, the cab company doesn't have to always be so nearby. Yeah. It's almost like when a guy shouts into a microphone. Yes.

Like, the microphone is going to amplify your voice. Right. Cab companies have cars so they can drive to you even from small distances. The microphone is a tool. But he needed to make a quick getaway. I get that. He couldn't be waiting. Yeah, that's true.

All right. Terry says, we told him yes, and our manager Googled their phone number. About five minutes later, he left. So for as bad as he is about picking location to rob banks, he's found the nicest Subway restaurant in the country. They're angling for a five-star Yelp. They want people coming in. They help him find a cab. So now they're aiding and abetting.

They're very kind. They open the door for him. They're just the kindest people in the world. Terry King says he behaved pretty much like any other customer, but he did appear to be high. Right. So pretty much like any other customer. I was going to say he was shaking and nervous. Oh, really?

You appear to be high? 12 chocolate chip cookies, please. I checked the hunt. What did I order? Go ahead. Hit it. Before the chicken bacon ranch. Yeah, cookies first and then ranch.

I'm like, who are you, my children? It's a cookie tizer. I feel like Thomas walked in, placed his order as he did without breaking stride on his way to the bathroom. Yeah, exactly. I want 12 cookies and a chicken baked ranch. Did not break stride. Right to the bathroom. Just a post bank rob and dump.

Took off another layer of clothes. And he didn't even say, I want. He just walked. He was like, 12 cookies and a chicken baked ranch. Right, right. I like to think this is his Subway though, too. Like, they just knew that, oh, hey, there's Tom. We know we gotta get him. As the door closes, Terry's like,

toast it! Toast it. Do one toast and one not. I checked the $100 bill he paid with because we've been getting a lot of fake bills lately. I love that that's happening now in Subway.

You guys did the Subway scam? Yeah, you print out a $100 bill and then you order 12 cookies and get the fart out of it. They don't know what money's about. 12 cookies and a footlong or 20 footlong. Just get them all. He was really nervous when I was looking closely at the bill, which can only mean that Thomas is dumb

in one of two ways. He's either so dumb that he thinks the bill he just got from a bank would be fake. Not possible. Or he's even more dumb than that, and he thinks that by looking at this $100 bill, they're going to be able to tell he just got robbed. Or he's paying with

a paint-soaked bill. The bomb went off. Ignore that, though. You gotta look around the ink. Yeah, it's 100. Sergeant. Great name. Let's hear it. Sergeant Ronnie Bogani.

I would call him Ronnie Bogani. Is it? Ronnie Bogani? B-O-G-A-N-Y. Yeah, Ronnie Bogani. Hey, look, I don't want all this Ronnie Bogani going on over here. Tommy Holcomb, Ronnie Bogani, best friends in high school, had a bit of a falling apart, and this is the reunion.

Ronnie Bogani was named halfway through Banana Fofana. Banana Fana Fofana. Someone was singing that while the doctor was asking. Ronnie, Ronnie Bogani, Banana Fana Fofana. It really is it. The dad's like, oh, I like that. I like that very much. Wait a minute, Ronnie, Ronnie.

Wait, we've already got the Boganee. But doctor, your last name is Smith. I like Boganee. I was going to name him David. Sir, I don't think this is a good idea. Sir, please call me Donnie. Donnie, Donnie, Boganee, banana, banana, Boganee. Sergeant Ronnie Boganee.

I know. That might make it into our TV show. Ronnie Bogani. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- to Indian Springs. A cab company dispatcher contacted the driver and told him to remain on US 190. By that time, so now the cab driver's driving. He's this guy's getaway from the subway after changing his clothes in the parking lot. How do they tell him? It can't be over a radio, right? I know. It's got to be a cell phone. Maybe, but the guy's not going to know, hey, this has got to be confidential. They call the cab driver,

you got your oversized Bluetooth in? Oh, of course. Your 1997 oversized Bluetooth? You got that in? Contact driver told him to remain on 190. By that time, cab driver Kevin Brown said he could see a patrol vehicle behind him. He followed directions from LPD

not to pull over until the officers activated the red and blue lights. Which means for a while, Thomas sat in his car with a cop car behind him without even knowing it. Well, he's finishing up that meal. Exactly. He's got a lot of cookies to get to. 12 cookies.

You know what I was saying as I was watching NFL football, like playoff football? Cab drivers, Uber drivers, Lyft drivers should be like good NFL referees. You just hardly know they're there. Yes. You just want to be like, were they even in that? Yes. Anytime you notice them at all, that means something's wrong. Yep.

So this guy's trying to just blend in with the car, knowing what he knows, and that's a lot of pressure on this cab driver. And that's a lot of pressure on this cab driver. Well, by this time, Brown, that's Kevin, I believe, said they were headed back toward Livingston after his passenger had balked at the high prices at the liquor store they visited in the Midway community. So, which means he got in the cab, then went to a liquor store. He has hundreds of dollars. At least hundreds of dollars. And was like, I'm not paying that for Canadian Club. What kind of liquor are you washing down at Chicken Bacon Ranch?. And was like, I'm not paying that for Canadian Club. What kind of liquor are you washing down

at Chicken Bacon Ranch and it was like a rum chata? You give me a Canadian Club and ginger ale. Okay. I love a good rum chata. Bombay Sapphire. Yeah.

Maybe a Grey Goose. It feels like Jaeger. Yeah, or Mad Dog 2020. Mad Dog. How much is your Everclear fuck? I'll make that at home in the tub.

You got Boone's Farm. When the cab reached Tom Cummings Road, Bogani activated emergency lights and the driver stepped out of the cab. I hope at that point, Thomas Holcomb was like, what? Is Tom Cummings another character

or is that the name of the road? Oh, that's interesting. Yep. Meet you on Tom Cummings. C-U-M-M-I-N-G-S if you're nasty. Are you Cummings? Holcomb was taken into custody without incident and is being charged with aggravated robbery, first degree felony

according to a statement by detentive detective Leon Middleton. Leon Middleton. I know. Another one. I know. Leon Middleton. I want a copy of the Livingston phone book. Just to go through. Livingston characters are unbelievable. Leon Middleton and Ronnie Begani, I mean, that is just a great one-two punch. Middleton and Begani could be the new Rizzoli and Isles.

We always say that. Oh, Rizzoli and Isles is the new Middleton and Begani. Middleton and Begani sounds like an Ellis Island Rizzoli and Isles. They just came over. They just came back. Also, we have other great combos in this story. King and Cummings. King and Cummings.

The Cummings and Kings. The Cummings of Kings.ings. King and Cummings. The Cummings and Kings. The Cummings of Kings. That's Game of Thrones Season 6. The Cummings of Kings. An undisclosed amount of cash was recovered from the suspect when he was taken into custody. No weapon was located. King said an investigator took video from their store security system as well as the $100 bill. I'm going to show you a picture.

Please try to keep your reactions to less than three minutes because we've already gone long. But if you've ever wondered what happened to Guy Fieri's brother, here we go. This is Mr. Holcomb. Oh my god. How old is Thomas Stuart Holcomb? fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is

gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. You are our guest, Zach. You can go first, Tig, or third. I'm gonna go Tig. Okay. Jason? Alright, Jason or Randy? Jason? Well, you know, in Cheap Seats, there was an old joke we made when a guy's

hair was blonde and his beard was dark. We said, does the carpet match the drapes? And I would answer, Jay, the drapes don't match the drapes. One drape is one color. This guy's 24 years old. 24? Go ahead.

I'm going with 36 because that hair, his whole crime, it makes it seem like he's trying to feel something, trying to feel a certain youth. I'm saying 36. He's got a full head of hair. I think he's 29. 29? Yep. Okay. So Randy says? 29, there's no gray in his beard and his hair is a full

thick head of hair that he has hydroperoxide or whatever he's No, that's natural. Whatever products he's put in, if like I put it. He really loves Fight Club. He loves Fight Club. That's his favorite movie. That's Sunning.

I am Jack's failed robbery. If I put that in my hair, all my hair would fall out. You're right. If I put that in my hair, I would have less hair than you, Dan. What did you say, 29? 29, 36. I'm going 36. Zach says 36.

Jay says 24. 24? One of you. One of you is- All three of you are not exactly right. I'm going 36. Zach says 36. Jay says 24. 24? One of you. One of you is, all three of you are not exactly right. Ah, damn it. Tonys, get your answers in right now. Before we do that, any quick plugs? How can people find you, see you, listen to your stuff?

Find me on Instagram at Zach.Martina. My album's on iTunes and Spotify. It's called Skunk Man. And I'll be in Jacksonville January 22nd with Chad Daniels. Oh, a long trip. Hey, going on tour with Chad. Yeah, he's great on this show, too. Jackson I'll be in Jacksonville January 22nd with Chad Daniels. Hey, going on tour with Chad. He's great on this show too. Jacksonville on the 22nd of January, Charlotte on the 23rd, and Raleigh the 24th through the 26th. Awesome.

Great tour. If you're in those areas, please go check him out. You'll love Chad Daniels and you will love Zach Martina. Sklar Brothers. What do we got? We're going to be in Portland the first weekend, February 7th, 8th, and 9th at Helium. Very excited to do those shows. We're going to be in Portland the first weekend, February 7th, 8th, and 9th at Helium. Very excited to do those shows. We're going to be doing a synagogue show in Denver on the 23rd.

And then another one in St. Louis for the women's. When's the 23rd? January? Oh, February. Oh, no. We are doing, I don't know when this is dropping. This is going to drop a week from this Friday. So that would be like the 18th.

Okay. So get into the 17th. We are doing a great... The Rec Room. The Rec Room in Huntington Beach. We're doing a headlining set here in Southern California on Saturday night,

January 26th, I think it is. Okay, yep. And it's going to be so awesome and so much fun and we cannot wait to do this show. So if you're in Southern California and you want to come see us, it's Huntington Beach. It's called The Rec Room.

Check us out. I checked out that room last Sunday too and my buddy works there. It's super fun. You guys are going to have a blast. I can't wait. Let's sell it out. Get your answers in right now. Before you do, I will tell you, I'm going to be January 22nd. I will be bringing my tour to Las Vegas, Nevada at The Dive. Go to danielvankirk.com, January 22nd

in Las Vegas and keep an eye out for dates when you go to danVanKirk.com because I'm coming to a lot more places as well. It's the Together Tour. Dummy. Okay. Thomas Stewart Holcomb. The man who changed in a parking lot, robbed a bank next to a police station,

went to a liquor store with hundreds of dollars. Ordered from Subway, got a cab. Got caught by a cab that was given to him by a Subway after eating a dozen cookies and a bacon ranch whatever sandwich. I kind of love them. By the way, cabbie turns you in. Uber, Lyft, harder to get in touch with. So if you're robbing a bank, let's use it.

How understanding was that cab driver in that he let him eat in the car? Yeah, of course. Already he's like a nice guy. I will also say when you get to the Facebook page, he does kind of look like a Jake Busey character. Uh-huh. Here we go. He is 34 years old. Oh, wow.

Zach Martina. He pays a lot of attention to that appearance. Walks in and walks it off. I love it. Follow Zach Martina. Zach.Martina on Instagram. It's a great way to do it. Follow us on Instagram.

Follow Dan on Instagram. We're at Squad Brothers. He's Daniel Van Kirk. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. On your down. It's Dumb People Town. Don't you come Stick around Make a sound

On your down It's Dumb People Town