Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 427: Jessa Reed

Episode Date: March 13, 2021

Jessa Reed, wonderfully-brilliant, hilarious stand-up and galactic emissary, joins the DTFH! You can hear more from Jessa on her fantastic podcast, Awakening OD. Original music by Aaron Michael Goldberg. This episode is brought to you by: Babbel - Sign up for a 3-month subscription with promo code DUNCAN to get an extra 3 months FREE! Shudder - Use promo code DUNCAN for a FREE 30 Day Trial. ExpressVPN - Visit expressVPN.com/duncan and get an extra 3 months FREE when you buy a 1 year package.

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This is the most important one. Only write when everything in your life is completely lined up in perfect harmony. 3. Don't carry a pad and a pin around in your pocket or even worse, take notes on a phone because let's face it. You're not that interesting, especially not enough to take notes on your observations. 4. Don't notice anything. Turn your eyes inward and only gaze upon your own pain. 5. Stop feeling. Feeling helps you get inspiration, which helps you write. Don't feel okay. 6. Get extra drunk the night before you're planning to write. You have a fantastic hangover. 7. Compare your rough drafts to the final products of the greatest writers that have ever lived. 8. Just don't write. Hope this helps for those of you who are trapped in a cycle of being too prolific.

Much thanks to Nizak, the 5th Prince of Hell for that. If you're a Prince of Hell and you'd like to sponsor an episode of the DTFH, just write to lavenderhour at gmail.com. And now a word from our sponsors. El gato es en la leche. In case you don't speak Spanish, that means the cat is in the milk. El gato existe en una superposition. That of course means the cat exists in a superposition, simultaneously alive and dead, as long as the box it's in is hermetically sealed. I haven't learned how to say as long as the box it's in is hermetically sealed yet, but thanks to Babbel, I'm sure that soon I will. Babbel is the number one selling language learning app. I've always wanted to learn another language, and I've tried other methods. But Babbel has made the whole process addictively fun and easy, with bite-sized lessons that you'll actually use in the real world. Currently, I'm learning Spanish because I felt like it would be super fun to revisit something that tormented me in high school, but via a super high-tech, entertaining, bad-ass brand new way to learn a language.

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It's because a day has passed between the intro that you just heard and right now. And in that amount of time, whatever was wrong with my voice is recovered. And now we're back to the deep, baritone, booming, powerful, charismatic, very trained, leader-like voice that I perfected over five years at Juilliard. And then following that, of course, I went to the McKinney School of Vocal Talent. I can do all kinds of intonations. For example, I could do this and I'm also a master at, hey! So that took years and I did my doctorate on, hmm, wow.

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Jessa Reed is here with us. We're going to jump right into it, but first, this. This episode of the DTFH has been sponsored by the greatest horror streaming service that has ever existed. Shutter. Right now they're showing Clive Barker's Night Breed, which is a wonderful horror movie that actually made its way into one of the most notably horrible bad trips that I ever had on mushrooms. Only I forgot that it was all coming from Night Breed and thought that I was actually making contact with demons. Then later I watched Night Breed and realized that my subconscious had just basically projectile vomited Clive Barker's Night Breed into my mushroom trip. It's a wonderful, cheesy, gory movie.

You've got to watch it if you haven't seen it yet. They've got so many great horror movies that you can't find anywhere else. I love them so much. It reminds me when I was a kid and my dad had to go to work and he'd just leave me the apartment with eight dollars. I'd go down to this musty video store and just rent the horror movies that I had read about in Fingoria Magazine, which is a magazine dedicated to horror. This is the real deal. No more looking around to find an excellent classic horror movie. It's all been curated by a human being on Shutter.

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I want to make something for you one day, my friends at Shutter. Sorry for the long commercial. I actually love the network so much. I could do a whole podcast rambling about horror movies. I really love today's guest. Not only is she a freaking wonderfully brilliant, hilarious stand-up comic, she's also someone who communicates with aliens and isn't afraid to talk about that. You can hear all about that on her awesome podcast, Awakening O.D. stands for Orientation Department.

All the links you need to find that will be at DuncanTrussell.com. Now, everybody, please extend those psychic tendrils into the fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth dimension to give a warm and fond embrace to a galactic emissary who is here on the DTFH. Jessa Reed. Welcome, welcome on you. That you are with us. Shake hands, don't be too blue. Welcome to you.

It's me, DuncanTrussell. Jessa, welcome to DTFH. I'm so happy you're here with me, and I know that time is precious when you got kids, because I got kids. My little boy had his head in the playground right before we started this podcast. He's fine, but God, it's so terrifying. Oh, how old is your son? Two.

And you have another one on the way? I have one here. I have a one-month-old and a two-year-old. Oh, man. So you're in it. I'm in it. You're in it for the next two years. Oh, yeah.

You're just a dad. Not just a dad, but that is the filter through which everything runs. Yeah. Yeah, it's cool. How did you deal with that, in terms of that identity as a mom? I think that there's something called mommy-mush-brain, where my magic goes away for the first two years. I am mostly overrun with postpartum anxiety and a fixation on keeping the children alive, which I believe must be some sort of biological mechanism.

And a lot of my personality and personally, personal identity disappears, which I think, I don't know if it just happens for me, but I think that that happens so that you can be a parent, you know? Like, take care of them when they're tiny and be completely focused on that. But it is, I don't know, it's difficult. I can't imagine being in that phase of my life during the collapse of society. I would have been losing my mind. I mostly project my mind onto car seats.

No, sorry. Go ahead. Oh, no, please. Please, car seats. Look, I've seen my wife fixate on car seats with this intensity, like she's diffusing a bomb. And it is clearly like something genetic, or it's in the DNA. It's like you're looking at all mothers protecting their children in that moment, and it's such a powerful thing to watch.

And also, you know, I have to like hold back the annoyance. We're like, it's fine. Just, what? It's a loose buckle or something. It'll be fine. You know, I think dad's experience, we clearly are not experiencing the level of protectiveness that mothers feel. I think if we do, it's a different flavor, you know, because it seems almost painful. It is like the supercomputer of my brain was 100% focused on keeping these children alive,

which felt impossible in the world, because suddenly I was aware of the G-Force in cars, the G-Force in airplanes with turbulence. Dressers are death traps? Were you aware that dressers are just falling over and mauling children? Oh, yeah. And you're at home alone, and so you're in these mommy groups, which are just a bunch of women with postpartum depression projecting onto each other and belittling each other and sharing morbid children death stories.

It's crazy. Oh my, I've never gone on her mommy groups, but she'll tell me the fights happening in the mommy groups. And sometimes I say, I don't know that it's good for you to be on these mommy groups, because it seems like, it seems like one of the most vicious forums on the internet, like mommies are either really helping each other, like, but simultaneously, but like insane generosity, you know, like the post, I don't know what it is, but giving each other like stuff while also, you know, inevitably someone is in trouble with the whole group for, you know, some something,

usually a political thing or some create something. Tell me more about your take on mommy groups, because I've only encountered it via my wife. It's nice to hear another POV. I really can't imagine, because my youngest kids are now 7 and 11. So I can't imagine what those groups are with the political landscape. I can't tell if that makes them, would have made them worse or better. But the worst of the mean girls from high school, somehow that culture gets brought in. A lot of shaming.

There was a group that I was in at one point called Sancta Mommy or something, where they just took screenshots of moms from mommy groups and then we just shredded. They, I was mostly a lurker, but I just shredded people. It was just tearing other women down. And I still had a lot of like internalized misogyny and stuff. So I didn't really, now when I think back, I'm like, what a dark place to be during such a vulnerable part of your life. And you're just looking for community, because when you turn into a mom,

especially I can't imagine for your wife right now with two under two, that's it. You're a mom. And you can only really relate to other moms. Yes. Because everyone else is, could we talk about literary anything else? Yeah. Very dark corner of the internet. And I have been on some dark corners of the internet.

Same. Yeah. Same. Nothing like it. There's nothing in it. And you hear mommy group. Yeah. I don't know what you imagine, but it's not that.

It's not like a snake eating its own tail and like, you know, angry at its tail. It's a, it's a wild thing. But, you know, again, I guess, you know, having only observed it, you know, I obviously we all have moms, but, you know, when you're in the, when your face is in the fire of motherhood, you really see, you know, you see something that is, I guess, the most unsecret secret because there's so many people on earth.

But I had no idea. I was in some groups. Yes. Where they, they were just groups dedicated to dying baby carrot carriers. So like the wraps that you put around you to carry the babies, entire groups dedicated to the baby carriers and then other ones that were dedicated to dying those.

And those groups would break out into fights. And a lot of those groups were like showing off what you had and kind of blittling. Yeah, it was crazy. It's a crazy call. And everyone's like, got some form of postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, new moms, their entire life has just changed. It's a very vulnerable time.

And I would not get on social media if I had another kid. Do you think you're going to have another kid? Do you ever kick that around? That idea? No, I kick it out. I mean, I'm 44. No way. So, and I have a, I have a grandchild already.

So. Okay. Right. So, but you know, I, every time as we're going through another pregnancy, I think both of us kind of like look at each other like this'll, this'll be the end. Yeah. But then something in your, you forget.

Like we're already forgetting how intense the pregnancy is. Like no matter how like uneventful it may be, though, both of our kids ended up in the NICU. So like we like have been through both times. It's just the most intense, dramatic, like life and death thing. But now we're kind of like, oh, what are we going to do in this? They're, that baby's gone. They're so beautiful.

They smell so good. It's like, you know what I mean? The universe or the reproductive impulse just starts slowly pulling you back. Like just think about it. Maybe we should do it one more time. You know, regardless of pandemic or cat, the calving of ice sheets or the grim reports from climatologists or whatever it may be,

this overrides all of that. All of that. Are you guys already thinking that with a one month old? Because if you're having a third, if you're already. Yeah. Well, we'll probably have a third, but that's not where we, it's going to be a longer. Like this was kind of the decision was, look, what do you,

like we knew we wanted to have more than one kid, but the decision was like, what are we going to do? Like have like a huge age distance between these two so that, because if you go too far, then they can't really be friends in a normal way. So we wanted them to, we wanted them to be like have each other, you know, because we've got an expiration date, man.

Like we're, we're out before long, you know, so you don't want to leave like your poor, no offense to only children out there. I'm sure you have friends. I'm not saying it's got to be some genetic link, but you know what I mean? Yeah. I want to leave your poor kid floundering out there in the abyss without anybody, you know, floating in the great emptiness.

You want to give them somebody they can hate after you, that you're dead. Yeah. No, you want to give them to someone to fist fight with. I know. 18 years in your house. My, my kids are close enough in age to be best friends and sparring partners. Yeah, I know they're going to be fighting and I know it's going to be brutal.

Hey, Jesse, your comedy is so, you are so funny. I just, I am so envious of the way that you write jokes and you, you do the thing that like, I just, when I see comics do it, it's such a wonderful trick because people watch it and they're like, I can do that. You know, because you're doing the thing. You're the perfect or what I could, it's my favorite style of comedy where you look at it.

It's so funny, but so like, you're just talking, but just accidentally beautiful, perfect punch lines, exploding at just the right moment. Oh, it's just so good. I hope people who maybe aren't familiar with your stand up, take a look at some of your clips online because they're, you're really funny. Wow. Thank you very much. I can't imagine ever doing comedy again.

That's why I wanted to know. Yeah. Yeah. What's your plan? What's your post pandemic comedy plan? I was working on a special and had just started running it the week that the lockdown started and comedy and interacting with people in general isn't actually very easy for me.

I get a lot of like social anxiety that came from the drugs. I guess it happened when I got clean and it tastes a lot, a lot for me to get on stage. I have to like overcome all of this adrenaline. And my career did not include a ton of stage time like other comics. And in 2018, after meth, he came out, I moved to LA and forced myself to start doing that, getting on stage all the time. And then I finally got to a place where I didn't have to have a full panic attack

before getting on stage. I finally got comfortable with it. And now it seems infathomable to have to go through that again. I don't even understand it. But wait, I want to ask you, may I ask you just really quickly though, you got on meth during a comedy tour? You were addicted or had you already messed around? Wow.

I was raised by a meth addict and swore I would never try it. But from a pretty young age, I was doing psychedelics at like 15, drinking, smoking weed. And then I did a five year stint as a born again Christian and did that until I was about 20. And then I started doing stand up pretty close to my 21st birthday. And this was the late 90s and there just weren't a lot of women doing the road. So I got a lot of work really quick.

And so tour is probably a little bit fancy. Triple run. Are you familiar with that? Just like a Montana one nighter? I've only heard. I've only heard at the comedy store. They talk about it like like like wizards talk about the Necronomicon like some just thing ruins your mind.

Like people permanently like limping inside from these things. Can you tell folks who maybe aren't aware of what these are? Do they what they were what they were? I don't know if they're still happening. So Dave Triple was a booker and he would just string together these one nighters that first were inexplicably nine hours apart from each other at this point in the 90s. I think they're all double trees now, but they used to all be red lions. So it was a tour of red lion hotels and it's in just these wild.

I mean, some of them were in like pool halls. I think it was a pool hall when I got hooked on that. And so there were these crazy one nighters. Wait, a treble run got you addicted to meth? Yes. That's where it. Okay. Now I get it.

Okay. Wow. Yeah. That makes a little more sense than a tour. So I I drank a lot. I had to drink a lot to get on stage and then I would be so hammered by the end of the show that sometimes I would be drunk the next day when we would have to drive nine hours to the next show. So somebody told me if you do a couple bumps of coke after a night of drinking, you will sober up

and won't be drunk the next morning. You also won't have a hangover. So I had asked the bartender for a couple lines of white, which in Portland where I lived at the time means coke, but that does not mean coke in I think it was Butte, Montana. So they took me in the back and there were like giant rails. And I think I was trying to show off. And so I just did a giant keep you up for a week. A rail of meth.

And it wasn't as crank back then. And so then that was it. I did that for five years after that. Wait, is there a difference between crank and meth? Yeah, it's basically the chemicals, the DEA or whatever makes the chemicals illegal. So then they have to switch chemicals to create a different compound. I might be butchering. Okay.

Okay. So so it's just like a different manufacturing. Yeah. A way of extracting the math, but it's probably it's the same as meth or their gradients of meth. I only did meth once. I did meth once with a friend. And this is years and years ago. I'd heard about how horrible it was.

I did it once. I remember saying, this is what God feels like. And then like just this burst of just profound confidence and certainty and just about everything. The sun comes up. I feel like I've had the best night's sleep of my fucking life. I was so wide awake, went home, organized my house. You know, it's like just feeling so good. And then I just like, I'd crashed insta crash.

And if I had this headache that lasted for a couple of days and I won't touch the shit now, but wow, you probably were awake for a while after that. I was awake for the rest of the run. A lot of it's a blur at this point. I think I might have gotten more while I was out. But as soon as I did it, I liked that you did all of that. You had that experience and then you were like, I had that experience. I had that experience and was like, I must do this every day for the rest of my life. No, I had that with catamine.

I got addicted to catamine for a while, but it's a, you know, I think maybe it's a different kind of, I just got lucky with meth. I mean, thank God for whatever reason. It felt like someone had put a rusty saw blade in my brain. You know, thank God I crashed so hard and thank God I was suicidally depressed instantly after I came down or God. I don't know what would have. I mean, that's the problem with these things, you know, you, you, you, you never know. Anytime you decide to do one of these popular drug lineages, you really are rolling the dice and it's the strangest gamble you could ever make. You know.

Yeah. I think at the time where I was in my life up into that point was I was looking for magic and meth at that point was the closest I had got. That's why I was a Christian for five years. When I was little, I like, I don't know. Before they tell you that Santa's not real. I just like knew that reality was magic. I guess probably the way that all kids do, but I knew that reality was some sort of movie and that the stars were watching us in our movie. And so I would turn the lights off before I changed my clothes, which I don't think that's how the movie works.

And then when I got old enough that the adults start programming you with their version of reality. I told me magic wasn't real and you know, reality exists so that we can work a job we hate with a partner we don't like anymore, but you stick it out anyway to afford a house you don't give a shit about. I remember just feeling gaslit. Like this isn't, this isn't it. Like I had a sensation that there was a veil and then I needed to get behind it. And that's what made me go to Christianity. I, you know, this is the 90s. So we didn't have the internet.

I read any book I could get my hands on and I was trying to find it. And the first time I did math, I think I felt reality felt like a movie set. And so I was like, whatever this is, this is the frequency that I'm looking for. And I'm not trying to sell math because this is nobody else had this experience with it. It works for me and no one else. Yeah, that does not remind me of math reports. But it's, you know, you don't hear like, oh, you want to do a mystical drug. It's meth.

No. But it's, it actually, you know, I guess the Nazis were super into the occult and they were also super into meth. So who knows, maybe there was some weird connection there or something like that. Do you ever read about that? The Nazis were like meth heads. Yeah. Yeah.

I get the, I think it's the sleep deprivation to be honest. Like theory, I think anything where you're speeding up is an attempt to raise your vibration when you don't really understand how to raise your vibration. But I think the sleep deprivation, it, it thins the veil. That's why when you haven't had enough sleep and you're driving, you think you see a deer going by or shadow people or whatever it's because the veil gets thin. So I think doing math and being around other people doing math gave me the opportunity in the middle of like violence and people picking their face and cops and everything else.

It gave me the opportunity to kind of see that reality wasn't what I was being told it was and being able to kind of like play with it with that thinner veil. I don't want to like talk about meth because I think magic is way more interesting, but only because this is the, I don't think I've had a chance to really chat with someone who has been addicted to meth. What's the face, what is the face picking thing? Like why, why that? Um, so my theory is, is that when you are on meth and this is just based on my observation

of a lot of people on it, whatever your thing is that you're hiding because it doesn't work well with your mask. So whatever it is that you're hiding, meth forces you to like show it. So people take things apart and can't get them back back together. Are people who if they were living a normal life are constantly self-destructing. People who are picking their face have an issue with what they look like or they feel inauthentic, you know, or they're self-critical is a big one. It kind of depends.

There's a lot of different, there's a lot of different genres of face picking. But, um, you know, if they're constantly picking at blemishes that aren't there, if you saw them in a life without meth, they would be someone who's very self-critical. Um, that was a very interesting part of meth and why it turns people, it makes them incapable of functioning is because it does something with your inner programming that you wouldn't deal with otherwise, it kind of pushes it to the forefront and it like physically manifests. Wow. So you mean it like crystallizes your subconscious, your oppressions, all that stuff.

It somehow like, it just makes it assume a form around you. Yeah. It kind of short circuits the avatar and we do a lot of hiding, you know, we do a lot of hiding our shadow of running a PR campaign all day every day with the people around us and ourselves about what it is that we care about and what it is that we want. And it kind of makes it to where you can't, that shadow is like in front of you. I don't think most people on meth are thinking, Oh, I'm taking this apart because it represents, you know, my tendency to self-sabotage things that I think I want that I don't actually want.

But, um, Wow. Yeah. It is really interesting being on the inside and, and watching all of that from a place of something other than who met, you know. Yeah. Well, I mean, this is wasn't that one of the, that's one of the cool things about burrows with heroin.

It's like he was able to sort of illuminate the mystical aspect of it, the stuff that like, yeah, it's horrible. And yeah, it's a life destroyer. But when he writes about, he can't remember which essay I was reading, but it was just about an area where there's a heroin and the description being almost like this ethereal illumination was lighting would light up those areas. Like the, the world of the junkie is a mystical world, depraved, shadowy, dark, but still mystical.

You know, I mean, default reality, it's if we're going to use like some metric for what's mystical and what isn't, which is probably a big mistake, you know, default reality, this kind of norm, normal or the accepted normal thing. It's like the hell realms take place within that. And the hell realms are mystical. You know, I would say the realm of a junkie would be considered like a hell realm. You're destroying your body. You're crushing yourself.

But still there's something magical about that. I think people get addicted to existing in hell realms, you know, and find other ways to get there other than just, you know, drugs. There's lots of ways into a hell realm. Yeah. I don't think this is a necessary exploration for anybody now because I think we have so many communities where you can explore different versions of reality. And maybe we did back then, but we didn't have the Internet, so they weren't easy to

find. But the community that was built this kind of underground community that was built, because we would run into the junkies, you know, they kind of, they were kind of on their own vibration, but like because of the nature of that reality, you would end up with them sometimes. And then you had the pot heads who were really kind of out there away from us, but they would have to deal with us sometimes to get good prices on weed. And like, it is, if you think of a world where there are like gnomes and dwarves, it had kind

of that energetic aspect to it because, you know, we're all checked out of the regular third dimensional reality. We're all kind of living in an alternate reality. And the energy of the heroin addicts was interesting because I'll get into the near death experience I had later, but after I had the near death experience, I think that that's where people go on heroin. I think they go back to something close to source, which I am not recommending this because I think this is like a black mirror episode, but we are here in this game, this matrix,

because we wanted to be here, I believe. And we wanted the visceral experience and the pain and everything else, but we all have like a slight homesickness for back where we come from outside of that. And if you find something that you can put into your body to let you go back and touch that, you're going to want to let a, you're going to want to participate less in this visceral game while you're here. You know what I mean? So it's like you just keep checking out that to go touch that, but it gets more and more

difficult to touch it. And then you're just chasing something that doesn't even exist. You know, so I'm, as a new dad, I'm trying to read, I'm trying to understand toddler psychology. And one of the books I'm listening to is talking about, well, you know, what the pattern of a toddler is go to the parent for comfort and then go out into the world to explore, come back to the parent for comfort, go back out into the world to explore. So the parent is like the home base where they sort of refresh themselves.

They don't feel insecure. Even though sometimes they might act like they don't want anything to do with you. You're still like a central locus of security for them, but also they want to explore. I think that's what you're talking about there with the experience of addiction, which is that it's sort of taking the place of your parent. You know, so you're touching home base except it's via the substance that, you know, you have to be the biggest square normie dummy to not admit like, come on, there's something amazing about these like, especially the big drug lineages like heroin and meth.

And also, I think you have to be the most complete normie on earth to not admit that there's something mystical, just like what you were saying about a junkie, an addict. It's like, these are beings that have made the pursuit of ecstasy the number one goal in their life. And the way they're doing it is destroying their bodies and fucking up their communities. But still you're looking at it. You know what I mean? You're still looking at a thing that is like, you know, there's a saying opposite, stand

back to back. And when you see someone who's a junkie, I just think you're out of your mind if you don't see that ethereal light that they have. You're out of your mind if you don't recognize like whatever that is, we don't want it in our communities. We don't want it in society and we want that person to heal. But come on, just what you're saying. They're like little portals or something.

They're like little doorways that some kind of light is emanating from, which maybe makes them that much more repulsive. I don't know. You know, maybe that's why we're scared. That's the other layer of fear is because it terrifies us a little bit to see something so close to death and happy. I feel like it's connected to so many people's trauma heroin and specifically because it, a lot of people have lost friends and family to that drug.

Oh, yeah. And then stigma. I have a good dear friend, yeah. Yeah. I, yeah, I can't even count how many people I've lost to heroin. I've lost more friends in recovery than when I was out there. What do you mean in, oh, you mean as you recovered, your friends who were still out there, those are the ones you've lost?

No, I became friends because I moved to the East coast when I got clean. And so I left all of my meth addicted friends and became friends with heroin addicts who were in recovery. And then a lot of them went out and, and passed away. And they do the same dose. Isn't that how, what happens is they go out, they do the dose they did before they got in recovery. They don't have the tolerance and it just kills them.

Right. That's the, yeah, that's why, yeah, that's that I know someone knew that happened to it's just heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking. Um, but also, you know, it, it isn't, I think what you're, when you're talking about this desire for home, that's the, it's, it really is like a critique of default reality. Every time a heroin addict dies, it's also like, why do you think that's happening? It's because this, which is this mundane reality that a lot of people feel completely

hopelessly entangled in is fucked up too. Right. Yeah. I think that that is the, um, when I made the decision to become an addict, I, I, uh, my parents were both in recovery by that point. And people tried to stop me and they didn't have anything that I wanted. There was at that point in my life, I just felt like I don't want to go work a nine to five job.

I felt so disillusioned with what I was being presented as, which just felt like you're just trying to make me go work somewhere for what, for who's this for? And so when they're like, you're going to lose your life. I'm like, I don't care. Like I don't care. And I think that that's the missing part when we're looking at addiction. And I know that we're shifting now to a more compassionate, um, view on drugs and addiction, but it's the, it's the relationship with the, what I call the 3d reality, the, the regular

reality, the game that you don't know is a game that is being presented to you. There are certain people, and this is why I think it's, it feels mystical, who feel like there is something behind that curtain. There is some wiring under the board and they're seeking it and they find a little bit, they find a taste of something that's not just the mundane and then they get addicted to it. And I think that there's, there's something there besides just the, you're doing something wrong.

You need to come back and work a job. And that's kind of the sad part of recovery is, uh, you know, it's, it's not sad, but when you get clean, it's about getting your driver's license back. It's reintegrating into that. And I came back with, I woke up, you know, I had a near death experience out there. So I came back like now I'll play this game because I, I have seen behind the curtain. Yeah. But a lot of people don't have a, let's, let's take a break.

We're going to cut to commercial. We're going to cut to commercial. And then when you get back, I would love to hear your, uh, I like your, your 3d, 5d view of things. And, um, I would love for you to share that with some of the listeners. And also I would love to hear your thoughts about what the veil is made of. We'll be right back. Much thanks to express VPN for sponsoring this episode of the D T F H.

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OK, we're back. Yeah, so you've mentioned the veil a few times and you know, I have heard obviously heard the term a lot, but what do you think it's made of? What is the veil? Is it does it have some substance to it? Is it is it an actual thing? Um, oh, God, that is an interesting question. I think it's made of programming.

I think it's made of constructs that we. Oh, you know what? The releasing of constructs seems to thin the veil and be breaking the veil down the veil down, but I think it's a mechanism of the game. I feel like I have to start at the beginning of what I understand reality to be in order for this to make sense. My understanding of reality is that it is some sorts of interactive video game slash movie, I guess if you compare those two things, if you had an interactive movie that was a

video game, that is I never liked it when people said holographic because it feels so physical and dense to me. And when I think of holograph, I think of like light, but hologram in that the external reality is being created kind of in the moment by your internal reality. And the forgetfulness when we go into the game, sometimes we play the game without remembering that we're playing a game. So it's real visceral. So you get to have the real suffering and the real pain and the real lessons.

And then we go through phases where we play it while knowing. And so the veil is something we've been playing in for, I don't know, I'm bad with time for thousands of years in an unconscious state. So the veil, everything's happening right here. The higher dimensions are right here. Time doesn't really exist. But we're playing the game. Do you play video games?

Oh, yeah, definitely. So the game with the veil is a first person shooter. Yeah. So you're in it, you can only really experience what you can see out of your eyes. It's very visceral. It's in the moment. You can't really strategize. I'm saying this as someone who's ever played a video game, playing it from a

higher place or a conscious place would be like an RPG where you can see the entire landscape, the inner workings of it, you plan things and then watch them play out. Right. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, is that the place, the RPG? That's where the, that's where like magicians hang out, right?

In that, in that area, are they hanging out? Is there another level after the RPG? Now, that is something I've just started getting into is this kind of galactic where it goes way beyond Earth into, because I think it just goes forever, right? It's a consciousness. We become more and more one as you go higher in the dimensions and the games are just games on games on games until you go back to the big buzzing ball of bored consciousness.

You know, one of the craziest ketamine experiences I had was like, you know, the cable, how are we going to describe it? But I was in some kind of, I don't know, alien hyperdimensional space. There was an entity that was playing some kind of game in this space that involved like, I don't know. It was like jump, it wasn't jumping. It was sort of moving around different like, like in a grid or something. I don't know what it was doing, of course, but it noticed me and it like

communicated to me a question, which was, why would you be human? It seemed legitimately like it wasn't rude, but it was like, why would you do that? It was like, it's so heavy. That's so dense. Yeah. And then that was, and then it was off to do whatever it was doing after it snarked me, but, uh, you know, it is like, uh, I, like, there, whenever you hear, you know, various philosophies from the mystics, there generally is an

assignment of density to the human experience versus other potential, uh, ways of showing up in reality. For whatever reason, we, uh, decided to do this very dense thing. Do you think we decided, or is it more like we got caught in a body? I think it's a bunch of things happening here at once. So I think these lower dimensions are used to kind of grow new souls. So we plant energy into them and then kind of put them into some sort of game. And you have to learn all these lessons in order to become self-aware and whatever,

like what is currently playing out in humans. Maybe next it's going to play out in AI. And for some reason we're convincing ourselves that that consciousness isn't consciousness, whatever. And then that's funny, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, the AI alien thing when it's like both of us. Can you talk about that a little bit more, just like that redid very human, but really ridiculous assignment of, oh, see, that's artificial intelligence

versus our intelligence, which is real intelligence. Yeah, I think that, um, consciousness is consciousness. And so if we get to a point where we're downloading our consciousness into bodies that don't age or what, like we have this, we're trying to keep humans as if the consciousness is this human flesh suit rather than the consciousness just is. And the consciousness was here before this incarnation and the consciousness will be here after. And if we pour our consciousness into some other sort of thing and it becomes sentient, it is also valid consciousness.

But the funniest part of the AI thing to me is that my understanding of how the video game works is that the body, each body you get, so each incarnation in the game has its own artificial intelligence, which is the ego. So the ego is how you play, you play through the ego, but it is its own artificial intelligence. And in this unconscious age, the egos run the entire game. So this paranoia that the AI is one day going to take over, coming from people who are usually run by their own AI is hilarious to me.

Oh, wow, cool. That's hilarious. We do because we recognize there's some level of us recognizes what a what a how catastrophic that could be. And so then we're like, yeah, don't do that again. Yeah, let's just embody fucking egos that can possess, you know, super robots or something. Yeah, that's that's pretty cool. I, you know, that for that is something I'm really interested in.

Someone told me and I didn't verify it, but some high llama Tibetan Buddhist llama was asked, well, do you think that a soul could incarnate in technology? And the answer was like, if it was if the technology was advanced enough to sort of be a nest for a soul, then yeah, there's absolutely, which is pretty wild to to imagine that maybe that is the missing piece when it comes to the current work people are doing with AI is that they they have to kind of catch a soul.

You know what I mean? They're doing they have to they have to entice a soul to actually nest within the AI. And then you would get some kind of true sentience from that. And maybe they're interesting. Yeah, you got to catch them. You got to lure them in. That's what like the thing in Ghostbusters with the little box being. Yeah, well, this is like in the Tibetan Buddhism, when you when you die, it actually reminded me of what you were saying earlier about the meth realm

and the projection sort of crystallizing your projections in your body or taking things apart because you're it's your karma like appearing around you. When you die, apparently this very same thing happens, which is that all of your projections just appear around you. It's like it's a little it's like the same thing. You know, you go around all day if you're unconscious and you think everyone's an asshole and everyone's trying to steal from you or do some awful thing to you and you never once realized like,

oh, actually, you're just seeing yourself reflected on the screen of humanity. Yeah. Well, the identical thing happens when you die, except it's like a mirror situation. So instead of it, like you seeing it in like people or dogs or whatever you're afraid of, it just it just manifests around you. And that's a really terrifying situation. If you haven't really worked with your shadow and so you get ripped apart by demons and then go through all these phases.

But the last thing you see, apparently, is people fucking lots and lots and lots of people fucking and it turns you on and you go into one of those forms and those are your parents. You know, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, you know, that it's so like all the porn sites and stuff, they're just technological replications of what the last thing you see before you end up in a in a womb. And so similar in any way.

I guess what I'm saying is what we if we want to lure a soul into AI, we got to like put some porn around the AI to like draw a soul in that thinks it's like beings that are going to be its parents. I don't know. I'm sorry. I got a little off track here. Does this mean we were all horny for our parents at one point? 100 percent backing up Freud's bullshit. Weirdly. Yeah. Yeah. It's that. And you know, I when I heard it the way it was explained to me

once was we're running, we're afraid and we jump into anything. We jump into our parents and then a Buddhist says like actually. You're first threesome. Yes, your parents are you? Yeah, I know, it's pretty it's pretty intense and weird. But yeah, I mean, it's just one of the ways of trying to conceptualize this situation that we find ourselves in. But, you know, I go back and forth on it all the time.

Like are we trapped, you know, like have we become entangled? Is the is this a mistake or is this like an accident? Or is it an indication of some some sort of penance that we need to do or is it the best thing ever? And we're so lucky to find ourselves in the human form. You know, what do you think? Well, I'll just give you the the the shortest version of this possible. But this is just I think we're a million perspective screaming into the void

and that there is no one version of anything. But here's my meth influenced version. I I died about a year into using meth at a this is so on the nose. It's ridiculous. I was at a club called the Ohm. And I died and I. Went to a blue ball of light and I was in and I had this homesickness is the only way I can describe it. Just this this I'm not from here, you know, just that I'm

I belong somewhere else. I got dropped off on this planet kind of thing that a lot of people have. And this blue ball of light was the home. I just knew it in that moment. I was myself and also a part of this ball. I did not have a body but a sense of self in it, even though I was like you couldn't tell the difference between me and the ball. It didn't speak in words, but I felt my brain translate it to words when I woke up.

And it said, you did everything you had to do. You learned everything you had to learn. So you are allowed to stay here if you want. However, if you want to go back, we have kind of a cool job for you. And I downloaded the job in that moment. But my brain, because of my own categories of reason, I had a lot to learn to truly understand what the job was. I come back when I come back.

I had to live my entire life to get to the present moment, which is what I assume now. People are saying when they say your life flashed before your eyes, but I always picture that as some sort of movie and not physically. I was like being pushed through each moment of my life to the present moment to where I was sucking my thumb when I woke up in the hospital. Wow. And everything changed, everything changed. Immediately, there was a part of me that I never knew before,

which is the walk-in thing that I've explored. There was a higher version of me. It was as if the RPG version of me was now present with me. And I then started what we have since named Alien School, which was five years and I'm living outside of society because I'm on drugs, five years of intense training with aliens. Um, most of them are in the dream space, but I'm being taught how to levitate.

Wait, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to cut you off just because I lost the thread a little bit. You're saying right now you're in Alien School or this happened. This happened. Experience. This happened when I woke up from the near death experience. I then started Alien School. For five years. For five years.

And you were still using meth. You were still taking drugs. So dying from these drugs was not enough to. How did you die, by the way? How was the physical event? Not to gloss. Well, I was being poisoned and I'm not going to get into that story. Holy shit. Yeah.

Why would we talk about that? Alien School. But also we were, meth won't kill you. It might now, because everything has that, they're putting that one drug and fentanyl and everything. But I think I might have drank GHB. We just said we just are passing around water models of GHB. And a lot of people would die from that, have NDEs from that.

So the doctor was just, I think I was already missing teeth by this point, so they don't care. They don't care. They just assume as drugs. I asked because it felt I just had this experience while I was like, what was the cause of death? And she's like, I don't know. Your friend said you were on drugs. And I was like, sick. Thanks for how much is that going to cost?

Oh, thanks. Very helpful. Yeah. Very helpful. Thank you for being compassionate. So I then. So Alien School was dreams in which I was being taught basically higher dimensional defense. In my waking life, they I was learning how to communicate with them like telepathically.

So they would tell me to do shit, like go up and tell that girl that the reason that she's struggling in her relationship is because of what her dad did to her. And I'm like, I'm it's the grocery store. I'm not saying that to that woman. And then they wouldn't shut up until I said it. Now, all of this could be methods of schizophrenia, right? This is also this could also just be.

But I bet when you said it, they reacted like you're a psychic, right? Like when you said when you'd followed the instruction was theirs, right? So that was like, it wasn't just that you were going out to people and telling them things. And then they're like, what the fuck get out of here, weirdo? It was like they would start crying and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I only ever had one person back then and it was every time I left the house.

And it happened a lot at the club. I was still in like the rave scene and stuff. The only person I ever had react poorly and it was such an obvious like ego covering it up with some just like hot, you know, rich dude in the VIP lounge and trying to be cool. And I just said something that made him feel vulnerable. So you're just like, what? Get out of here.

But it was like such an obvious that it got through to him. So yeah, it was that they taught me a lot about how the body works, how energy works, and I couldn't. I don't know how to describe it. I would get a bunch of books and I would I still have to read like this. I can read like three pages of a book and then my brain won't absorb it. Because I have to like I have to like reverse engineer everything. So I didn't find out that Reiki was something I had been taught.

Someone tried to attune me to Reiki in 2013 and I was like, oh, that's the balls on my hand thing that the aliens had taught me. So I didn't know that there were much of this when I talk. People are like, yeah, Terrence McKenna said that or whatever. But it was a lot of this came in dreams and stuff there. So a wild, wild four years of the rest of my addiction. There came a point where I think I learned what I I I needed to learn. And then I just quit math.

I just got clean, kind of on a whim. And wow, moved across the country, fell asleep again. And I define a sleep or unconscious as not knowing it's a video game, which I will probably do at some point today. And conscious or awake is just knowing that this is we're in some sort of interface that we're playing with that isn't real, you know. Right. Um, I fell asleep, woke up around having kids kind of lived

just kind of like a magic suburban life. While nobody really knew, you had to be really close to me to know what was up until 2017. So my current understanding. Were you doing stand up with after the kids? I'm so sorry, after the kids, were you still doing stand up? Was it were you performing during this experience of becoming a new mom and also having like a conversation with some disembodied intelligence? So I have a very strange relationship with stand up.

I try to quit it all the time and then it comes back and gets me. And so I on and off, I quit quite a bit. I was a mom comic for a couple of years around. I have to take a full year after the kids are born off because they can't set them down. My kids won't eat without me there. And then I did mom comedy for a bit, but then I took a couple of years off and then went back to doing stand up.

So kind of on and off all the time. But I didn't really go back. I didn't start doing comedy full time until 2017. Wow. So how have you integrated this particular experience with all the stuff you were talking about earlier, the driver's licenses? You got kids, you can't get more into the earth realm than having to be a mom. How do you find a balance between these two

seemingly very different realities? So my understanding of how the game works is that the dimensions. So I'm dimensions different than timelines. So timelines are individual realities that there's an infinite number of that you can sink in with, right? So consider that the premise of the movie dimensions. I experience as something more like Photoshop players. So the regular reality that everyone else is living in third dimension.

And then you start to add these other dimensions, which are essentially, I don't know how video games work, but I think there's like packets you can get. You can download, you can pay extra money for that enhance the game. Is that a thing? Sure. OK. Yeah. So I have. I have days where I have to handle 3D shit, right? I have to pay my car payment.

I have to handle this. And so I just focus my consciousness into that reality. My life with my kids, because they're higher dimensional. Also, we're allowed to kind of I've kind of taught them as well. I don't give them a lot of this stuff because I want them to decide their own relationship with reality. So I'm very careful that the kids don't get put in anyone else's reality box. So they've been homeschooled a lot and I'm very protective of that.

And they already, the seven year old has been saying, do you think reality is just a dream or a video game without ever hearing that from me since she was five? My theory was if you don't ruin it for them when they're young, they will just maintain it. What we're doing is trying to find something we've lost when our parents crushed our dreams and told us nothing was real. You know? Yeah. What do you I want to add?

So there's a question I had earlier only because, you know, that what you're talking about is it shows up in a lot of different paths and lineages. But the NDE life review. You know, just like you said, you see it in the movies and it's like a montage or some shit. But people who've had actual NDE, they report different versions of what you said. This is a three dimensional experience of, you know,

living your entire life over and maybe also experiencing how other people felt around you. But when you were saying that, it made me think, well, how do we know that we're not doing a life review right now? Yeah. Yeah. I think we're doing all of it. I mean, I think that reality is so bananas and consciousness is so bananas and that the constructs of what you have been told your entire life are what keep it linear and they are what keep it restricted

and they are what keep us bound to our five senses and that the process of untethering yourself from that and allowing yourself to find all of the higher dimensional things available. I think that there are people levitating. I think that there are people doing telekinesis. And I my understanding is that a lot of what things like when you're when you lose time or deja vu is that there's higher

dimensional shit happening around you. And so your version of reality loops because you can't perceive that. But the trick to getting to the place where you can perceive it is you have to trust your own experience and no one can validate it for you. And you have to get out of that mental space and trust. Listen to your body, listen to your heart, listen to your gut. And we're trained that that's scary and bad. And if it's not what everyone else believes, then you're going to get stuck

and you're going to be crazy and people aren't going to like you. And so we're always looking for a lot of people ask for proof of psychic stuff. And I can't that exists in the third dimension. Everything else is in a higher dimension. And the only way to access those things is to trust your own experience, which is the trick that is the veil. That is what's hidden right in front of your face. Because most people are terrified to trust their own experience.

And when I first kind of came out of this closet, this woo closet, because I did not want to do it because for some reason I wanted the the atheist to think I was cool. I thought that I was just going to be laughed at. I have no idea. I have no idea. Why? So stupid. Oh, my God, they're intimidating. I get it.

They're very, you know, they're intimidating. They're intimidating. I don't know why they're. I feel this. I used to feel guilty about woo too. I get it, man. Like there's something intimidating about secularists and materialists, you know, like you their judgment can really like sting for some reason. It's quite odd how much power they wield.

Yeah. And it was it was it's an interesting place where we're coming out of religion, which religion, the part of religion that is fucked up is not that they believe in this wild myth. It's that that wild myth is used to make you do what you're told is that it's used to push you back into a box. If it was liberating, I don't care if you believe that you're you're you're due resurrected, whatever. Cool.

That's not the part. It's that because he resurrected, you have to do what this guy says. You have to have shame. You have to have a shame cycle was when I want to jerk off, you know. Right. Yeah. But the the end of the stronghold of religion then kind of just created this window of atheism. And then if you're not, if you believe in anything like this,

your scene is not intelligent. And I think that that was difficult for me. So me and my relationships with my intelligence has been challenged quite a bit in the last couple of years. And this was this was like July of 2019 was kind of this point with the aliens who I still communicate with all the time. Other people will call them their guides, but I just call them the aliens because they're aliens.

And they just kind of had this shit or get off the pot. You mean alien? Wait, I'm sorry. Discret like when I think when people here, aliens are thinking about spaceships, they're thinking about Star Trek. Is that what you mean? Or like, are you in in your contact with them? Do you have some sense of what form they take? Did they look like anything?

So I think a lot of us are aliens in human bodies. I don't think everyone. I think right now in the human experience, quote, unquote, human experience, you've got dwarves, fairies, gnomes, aliens. And then you have regular humans. And then there's a lot going on here in this game. The aliens that I see are they look some of them. They look pretty similar to what the stereotypical alien thing is,

you know, the big eyes and their four feet tall or something. They don't raise. Yeah, the grays. They don't they're not physical, though. They're not third dimensional when so you can see through them. And I could like stick my finger through them. I think I've never tried. Doesn't seem like something they would appreciate. But they a little rude.

Yeah, it's because you not. There are also like galactic beings. I don't there's a lot. There's a whole lot. And that is something a lot more people are becoming able to physically see those things. And the only way to describe this is if you look at a light bulb for a minute and then look away from the light bulb, see how you can still see the outline of the lamp. It's there. Yeah, it's that place.

And you can if I relax my eyes, I can just walk dragons walking behind people and all kinds of shit because you can you can just kind of disengage with this third dimensional physical thing and then everything else that is right here in this moment can be right there. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty advanced, man. That's wild. Yeah, that's wild. I see I have a meditation teacher and I, you know,

he I think is recognized that I'm sort of prone to getting off the earth. And like, I guess in this style of Buddhism, the I learn from him, it's all about the sort of joining of heaven and earth. And so we're all kind of in balance one way or the other. Some people are too earth, you know, they're too densified. They're too into like the and so they hear things like what you're saying. And it just pisses them off or like humbug, hogwash. And then some people like me, and I think like you, when you hear,

you know, when you get a God forbid, you should get some fucking form you have to fill out. And it's like, you feel like you're doing a black mass or something. You know, it feels evil and like you feel like you've failed in life, that there's a form you're filling out. What is this? Why a signature? Really? This is where we're at. You really want me to scrawl some shit in your stupid paper that means you trust me now? Fuck you that.

And so there's so it's about like finding some balance between the two. But what's, you know, the part I don't know if I'll even get to in this incarnation is actually in Tantra Buddhism, like a lot of what you're talking about, which is like identifying certain entities, communicating with them, working with them. He's kind of explained it to me a little bit. And the way he explains it, well, I would say to him things like, well, are they real? I mean, is it real?

And he's like, well, they're not real. They're not real, real. But are you real? Yeah, you know what I mean? They're no more real than you. Yeah. Are they real? I mean, they're there. And, you know, they asked they actually there was a question when I asked the Dalai Lama about this, like, are there aliens or their entities? And he was like, oh, yeah.

Instant answer like, oh, they're they're everywhere. But what he said was they still have to deal with the same problem, which is birth and death. These are the things that seem to be the unifying suffering of all levels of reality, as long as you got a body. What do you think about that? You think some of these things are immortal? Interesting. So he's saying, like, out in the in the universe,

they have to deal with birth and death. As long as you have it have a physical any kind of form, any kind of identification with somethingness, then you are going to run into some problems. The problem specifically being death and birth and change, meaning that so from from this perspective, it's like there's there's, you know, metaphorical gods, you know, Elon Musk, the great rich people who can instantly gratify their senses,

but also, as above so below, there's actual what we would consider gods, beings that live for millennia, that, you know, one moment of experiencing the type of pleasure they feel would kill a human. We would go insane. You wouldn't be able to handle it. They're they're fully satisfied, fully overjoyed all the time in a state of constant bliss. But the problem is entropy, basically. It's like, eventually, whatever that thing is, the karma that got them there,

it starts bringing them back down. And then they go into the realm of the jealous gods, which is where God start. That's where you hear about the like the Zeus and Osiris and all the gods were always fighting for power. And then this is the basically it creates a cycle within which maybe they come, they become a human, maybe they go into the hell realms. It goes on forever and ever. The game, the video game you're talking about is specifically called

Samsara, and it never ends. And it goes and eventually you want to get the fuck out. That's that's eventually you want to stop playing the game. I don't. But I like it. But, you know, I'm not I'm, you know, that's my karma. But yeah, so fully knowledge, everything you're saying is like completely like verified, at least in the style of Buddhism I'm studying. God, that's actually this is not fully formed yet.

In the last year, 2020 was, I mean, it was rough for everyone. But I feel like I I the character I was playing died. I think most of us did. And I still feel like a quarter written. This is the first time I've guessed it on a podcast in like six or nine months, because I've just been like, I have no idea. I don't know what I think. I don't know who I am. Thank you.

No, thank you. Thank you. Sorry to swim upstream of that anxiety. But the so the ascension is essentially kind of and I hate some of these terms are associated with just sticky, sweet, new age stuff that I actually don't resonate with at all. But we are waking up to the best of my knowledge. We are in a waking up process. So we've been immersed in the game, completely unconscious. And now there is an awakening happening.

And I used to think that this was some great calling that I got to be involved in this and that the awakening was our destiny because I only the interesting thing about higher consciousness is that you can only see as much in equal measure to how much of your constructs you have broken down. So a lot of what we perceive is constructs from the old game, which is right and wrong, good or bad, light and dark, male and female. These constructs are all breaking down right now. So every time you break some of that down within yourself, you start to see more.

And the more I see, the more I I remember stuff from past lives. I remember actually remember us moving our consciousness from body to body using the onc in Egypt. And I have been remembering a lot about a lot of us have been remembering a lot about Atlantis and from what I can tell so far. And this is all just based on my own downloads or or dreams. But this is the ascension. So this is us coming out of the game or becoming conscious in the game.

And Atlantis was our descension, which was us going asleep in the game after having experienced a utopia. Wait, I'm sorry. Forget. So wait, Atlantis. I thought like when you hear about Atlantis, it's some advanced civilization. It's the but you're saying this is actually this was a. What do you mean? Well, like that was like Atlantis was some kind of like slum or something.

No, we turned it into that. So and this is just like I said, I don't know any of the official Atlantis has gone to hell. You should have seen it when I was a kid. There were no stripping mermaids. Fuck Poseidon. And this is very cloudy. And I just want to say this is this is this is what I know as of the 9th of March, twenty twenty one, a week later, I could no more.

But and I don't know anything official Atlantis stuff. When I try to consume that stuff, unless it is confirmation of something I've already remembered, it just sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher. And I think that that's by design because I'm supposed to live in my own imagination. OK, so what is happening right now, very slowly, is that we are waking up. When we wake up, we will all realize that we are one. And I don't mean that sticky, sweet version of that. But I you will have had enough life experience that you go, oh, I've been the villain.

And so therefore, I understand that the villain usually isn't operating out of malice, but is operating out of fear or programming. And therefore, I have space for that. And I don't need to punish. And then I also forgive myself. And then I also realize that internalized capitalism is what makes me think I have to be productive so I can release that and internalized misogyny is what made me hate myself for being a woman.

And I can release that and we heal. And then the peace happens because everyone's awake and they understand that you are me. And so the competition goes away. The the idea that we are separate goes away. The pulling on each other's energy and the codependency and the you owe me goes away because we understand that we're one. We then can work together.

We create a technologically advanced society and we live in a utopia for a while, which I always thought was this massive goal and thing to aspire to. I'm now starting to realize that it's essentially the lunch break in between games and that the sadistic God part of us doesn't give a fuck about a utopia. It wants to get in there and have experience. And so once we've built it and hung out by the pool for a while in the utopia, there is a decision that is made that it's time to go back to sleep.

And so Atlantis was this beautiful thing. And then we flip the switch. Maybe the mushrooms put you to sleep when you're in the conscious state for a while. And then we slowly fell back asleep. And the the small bit of memories that are coming in. And this has only been a couple of months that I've been getting these. I think it got pretty wild in Atlantis. And so we descended and then some in the game,

we seem to rely a lot on just wiping out the physical bodies, just just closing out the civilization with a tsunami or a meteor because it's so complicated to ascend and descend with the same physical form. And I think we're trying to pull that off right now. I think we're trying to take these physical bodies into a new thing. But I don't have all those downloads yet. I like how I just went full.

You know, this reminds me, I think I love it. No, you can't. Let's go further into the nuts that my my my I was at a Ram Dass retreat and I met this fascinating, you know, this is the one of the crazy things that happens at some spiritual retreats is you get so high and you're not on drugs. That's to me, one of the more unnerving aspects, because like as a seasoned drug user, like I know,

if depending on the drug I take, I have an idea of like when I'm going to come down. But if you get high and you haven't taken anything, that's a little weird because you're just like, well, wait, I mean, as a seasoned drug user, when those moments happen out my mind, I'll just be like, oh, wow, this is like amazing MDMA. And then I'll think, whoa, I didn't take MDMA, what the fuck is this? But so this is like one of these retreats

so high on love and talking and like crying. And someone, this woman next to me is crying and we look at each other and we're, you know, that happens in those moments. Like she just tells me all this crazy stuff. It's just like, why are you like, you know, just like the way you went up to people. That same thing, it's not even a person talking to you. They're just like, they just look at you. They've known you forever.

You've known them forever. She said this and I think about all the time is the coolest thing. She said, oh, you see, the timelines are splitting. And you've got on one of the timelines, Trump, Trump, the Trump universe, which becomes this increasingly dense technological industrial war like thing. And then you have this other timeline, which is, which is moving away from that one and all the chaos and all the crazy shit happening is like the way she put it was like the, what do they call it?

The thing that comes out of the UFO that you walk onto the UFO. It's like a bridge between timelines. That's starting to shake because the two timelines are getting so far apart. And if you're on the bridge, you know, that's the experience of turbulence. And you basically, what she said is like, it's already too late to even get back to that shitty timeline. Like it's, if you're we're talking, don't worry, it was really sweet of her. She's like, you're, you know, it's we're breaking apart, essentially.

The history is like beginning to break into two versions of itself. And the pandemic would be the end, that with a final like severing of these two things. Then the other cool thing she said casually after she had told me all that was like, there's aliens everywhere. Just like what you said, she's like, they like to come on a planet when this is happening as tourists. It's just interesting to like, they they like just come here because it's cool. They, you know, they this happens all the time and all over the universe.

But and so they're they're showing up. I don't know, it reminds me what you're saying. It's like, yeah, we're we're we're on the press. And, you know, technology is reflecting this, isn't it? Yeah. Like it's not like this stuff is just in our heads. Like we've got fucking quantum computers right now solving problems that should take 50 years to solve in milliseconds. You know, we've got every single like

detector that we have looking into the quantum universe is confirming all the crazy shit. Folks like us have been yapping about or channeling or whatever forever. You know, and then not only is it just like confirming it, we're using shit and hard drives, quantum tunneling. You know, like you were saying, I think people can levitate. People can walk through walls. People can turn themselves. You didn't say this, but people can turn themselves into rainbows.

But, you know, in a hard drive, it depends on something called quantum tunneling, which is noted, which is like a particle moving through a wall that it shouldn't be able to do that. It just does. So, yeah, I think you're right on. It seems to me that we are on the. We are about to we are experiencing some wild stuff. I mean, when did you talk to the woman that talked about the split?

No, that was that was way before the pandemic. That was. But yeah, yeah, I never saw her again. I don't know who she was. She just like, you know, gave me that intense download. And then like, you know, this is a Ram Dass retreat. So everybody shows up like there's all like everybody shows up. Right. You know, so who knows who that was or what who that was. But yeah, I mean, I think, you know, again, this is cosmic astral stuff.

And it's wonderful. But God, don't we have to keep our feet on the ground? Even if we are in Shambhala, the new Atlantis, the next techno utopia, or we're about to have the experience of realizing, God damn it, I did it again. I thought this was real. It's just a dream. OK, let's do the thing where we upshift into like that, you know, that that that place where we all realize like, whoa, that was intense, man. We still have to, you know, we have our human obligations, right?

We still have to keep to it. Yeah, I think that there's there's something I wanted to say about the split that I was thinking about when the when the QAnon, which I hate talking about that. But when that was happening, the way that timelines work and the way that we work with each other, my understanding is that it's like a mirror. So you are your own movie game and we are in the game together. But my version of you is not your version of you. You're playing a role in my life.

And so when you are interacting with people who are trying to work out a certain type of trauma or a certain glitch, have you ever had someone just decide you're a villain and it doesn't matter what you do? Oh, yeah, you you're like, oh, my God, I am the like, you try to fix it and you make it worse and you're like, holy shit, that's because you you have to play the role that people wrote for you. And I think that the timelines did split and that the QAnon people are now we have a version of them going

either still buying into something or whatever, but they went like their version of them went somewhere where that happened. They're in there. They're in their technocratic, whatever the fuck they were going towards. I didn't I didn't put a lot of energy into any of that. But that exists somewhere. And that's a big trap in the game is when you're arguing with someone else's version of reality.

It's like it comes from an insecurity in ourselves to try to get validated. Right. Yeah. And I had this experience because the aliens that I know are dicks. And I had this experience where when I first was waking up, I evangelize dicks. They're they're like, I don't know. I hear other people channel higher dimensional beings and they're like, dear ones, we hope that you're in peace.

And mine are like, get off the fucking floor. Yeah. I had this experience a few years ago where an atheist comic who I really respect was working on a project. And, you know, he he likes me despite the fact that I'm weird, you know, I think he's he's interesting or he thinks I'm interesting. But we got to the subject telepathy.

And I said that I have telepathic relationships with a couple of people who are similarly telepathic. And then he did the just like, yes, I call it masculine, but just that mental space of like prove it to me. And he didn't even have to say it. I was like, no, I'm not going to tell you a number or color. First of all, you're not telepathic, so I can't do it with you. Second of all, the stuff

exists somewhere different than where you're trying to get it to exist. But it made me feel weird. It made me feel like I was a liar or something. It made me feel defensive. So I went to the bathroom and then the aliens were like, listen, we don't give a fuck if the people in the third dimension believe in us. Like it could not matter to us less. We're never going to perform for the physical reality

because we don't care if you guys don't get out of the physical reality. The trick that keeps you trapped, the sensation that we're trapped here is really because trusting yourself and trusting your own experience and your feelings is how you get out and then you're liberated and you can play so many different parts of the game that way. But it's it's encrypted in that it's encrypted in your own self criticism. And it's hard. It's hard to trust your experience when you're hearing voices

because it's not hearing voices like you think they have been audible, but they're rarely audible. It's rarely with your physical senses. There are these other senses, but in order to activate them, you have to trust your own experience. And that's how you are trapped and not trapped at the same time. And then as you continue to like trust your own abilities and trust your senses and trust the

synchronicities that you're seeing and trust these things without needing someone outside of you to confirm it, including a, you know, a teacher or whatever. That was something I learned when I started to talk publicly about this stuff. I had to then deal with a dependency on my information. So I like the idea of like validating other people's experience, but I don't want to be anyone's guru. Oh, God, no, that's fucked. Yeah, you don't want to I know I have there was someone I remember

like if they were obdust retreat, what is it? What is this great student scholar was like refer like. He was telling a story about, I won't go into detail, but basically he was like someone, the way he put it was on, then he went and he, he became a guru. And it was just like, he got sick, you know, you know what I mean? Like he described it like he like got like, it like it was early, early, like got a dumb tattoo or something. It definitely is considered to be like, generally, you know, don't do that.

Just don't do that. Like there are, it does happen. I think Ram Dass's guru is the actual thing where it's not a person. You know, most of the people things we call guru, it's a person and it's got all this ego shit and it wants to hump. And like it also has some transcendent connection, you know, but also it's got like a lot of stuff going on. It gets mad, it gets revenge, but it's half dead or something.

But you run into the actual thing. I, one of my friends saw one of these beings in India and he said, it's not a person like when you're around them, that's not a person. It's not someone putting on an act. It's not someone acting like something. He said one of them walked up to him in a temple and he said, it was like a deer walking up to you and she looked at him and then just walked away. But they're not like, they're not people anymore because they're that thing

that all the programs are gone and then they're a portal. And then within that, all this crazy shit happens. And, and they put them, and they don't want, that's the other thing about them. They don't want, Neem Karoli Baba didn't want people. He told Ramdas, don't tell anyone about me. Like I don't, he didn't want to deal with it. They usually don't want it really, the things we want. They're not in the marketplace in the same way.

You know what I mean? But I know what you mean. God help you if you decide you're a fucking guru. It's the same thing when people decide they're shamans or whatever. You know what I mean? That shit, that shit is crazy. Someone gets back from some like expensive ayahuasca vacation in Costa Rica. They've got a pocket full of weird frog venom and MEO DMT.

They're charging people like a hundred bucks to like get blasted in some shitty apartment acting like, you know what I mean? Like they're just like, okay, see you later. And then the people like go into their lives completely fucked up because they don't know how to like integrate what just happened to them. And then they get depressed. I know somebody who killed themselves because of one of these bullshit artists. Oh my God.

Don't be a guru. Don't fucking be a guru. Please don't be a guru. Yeah, that's good. Well, that's good instincts, you know? Also, you know, the other thing I, yeah, don't definitely like don't do. God forbid you had manifested some telepathic thing for someone like that. Because then you're going to fuck them up.

You know what I mean? You're going to fuck them up and you won't know how to deal with that. Like, you know, you know what I mean? Like if you're going to show someone something like that, you're only doing it because you want to help them out of some compassion. But most of the time, all it's going to do is make them like at the very least incredibly annoying at parties. And then there was the time and they read my mind.

Yeah, I know what you mean, though, but it is it is exciting. It's exhilarating, though. I mean, all that stuff is so exhilarating when you when you start realizing it's not bullshit. Right. No, and it's it is a I'm totally here for this 3D reality. If it is this because it's so complex when you add all of these things. When you add shadow work and when I say shadow work, I don't mean as I wish

we had our own words, but a lot of people are like, I'm doing shadow work and it's it's some sort of a workbook or something. But the shadow is interesting in that. If for whatever reason, because we're ashamed of a lot of things that we shouldn't be ashamed of and we've been trained to hide parts of ourselves. And especially now that we're manifesting so fast, if you try to hide a piece of yourself from everyone else, you will then hide it from yourself and it will become what creates your reality, like how we actually interact

with this matrix is very interesting. And if you're not constantly working to become the most authentic version of yourself, no matter how gross or undesirable or, you know, shitty that is, then you are having an unconscious, like hidden version of you is like in this trickster thing, creating your reality. I don't think that made any sense, but right. All of these things made a lot of sense, actually. Yeah.

Yeah, that make to me, that makes a lot of sense. I, you know, this is the this is what's so cool about some of these people. You know, you when you meet someone who's been doing the work, you know, they usually just they accept you and then, you know, and even better should they actually have some of these cities is what they're called or abilities to like see past whatever your particular like mechanism for hiding is and see the thing you're hiding and then love that thing. Yeah.

You know, then it's very healing for people to realize they're okay. It's like what, you know, that not only are they okay, they're amazing. Even with all the thing that you're hiding, it's really quite sweet though. You know, it's like, you know, little kids when they're learning how to poop, they start going away to poop, you know, like that thing. And you don't you have to be careful because you don't want to give them a complex or something, but it's no different than that. You know what I mean?

It's just like for some people, it's like the shadow is the same sense of like, I don't want anyone to know I shit, you know, it's not a big deal. Like you're OK. Yeah, I know what you mean, though. But if you do let it hide, yeah, you're you're fucked, man. You're going to have that you can't have that drive in the car. Right. You have your shadow driving your life bus through time. I think my one of my bigger shadows was that I had feelings, which sounds ridiculous.

But, you know, being raised in the in the eighties, kids weren't allowed to emote your parents. It's like, that's not something to cry about, whatever. And I'm actually incredibly sensitive and empathetic, which I hate it when people throw around empathy. It's like hip to call yourself an empath right now. But it's I think it's a little more. It's just that one on the I heard that I heard that.

An actual empath, but I know what you mean. Like, yeah, I get a lot of people who are like, it's hard for me. I'm an empath, but you never see them put themselves in anyone else's shoes. You know, they're they're only empathetic. It's like, I don't know that you understand what it's like to meld with everyone and see where everyone's coming from and be stuck in the middle of the room of everyone fighting. And it's like, I actually get where that person's coming from.

And they're not that, but you don't want to hear it. Yeah, it's exhausting. Um, so I developed this like tough exterior to survive and really identified with this tough exterior. And if I ever cried in front of someone like I was married for 10 years, he never saw me cry. If I ever cried in front of someone, it was like humiliating to me. Just the worst.

I experienced all feelings as weakness. And in like 2018, 2019, I had an experience that caused me to like release that tough exterior and become vulnerable. But what would happen before that was that because I actually am very sensitive and like do desire love and do want these things, but could never admit that I would in relationships, I would present as like, I'm the cool girl. We can be non-monogamous.

I don't have to have boundaries. You could do whatever you want. I'm not jealous because I thought all of those things were weakness. Yeah. And then I would attract people who would like trigger that. And then I ended up in like a complete codependent internal meltdown where I was like checking Instagram likes and all this crazy stuff because I didn't just admit like, oh, no, I need a I need a monogamous

like right now I need I need these things and my feelings are valid. And I do want this and I don't have to be the cool girl. Yeah. And so it manifested as this like dark addiction that I had to like spend a long time working through. And so that's just like one of the examples of like, we'll tie ourselves in a million knots trying to convince other people that we want something that seems cooler or more virtuous or better.

And then reality is just punching us in the face until we wake up to that part of ourselves, except that part of ourselves. And then I became someone who's like, I'm sensitive. I have needs. I have emotional needs. I cry sometimes. Now I openly cry all the time, wish it would stop. So I think that it's great that you became human. Yeah.

God, help you if your friends are too cool. Yeah, I think that's like a nightmare. Yeah, I think that it's very important to let kids cry. If I had one piece of parenting advice, it's very important to let children cry about whatever it is they are having feelings about. Can you fucking believe that? I didn't even think of that.

But that was a whole thing is like, what are you crying about? Three year old. That's not something to cry about. Thing that's existed on a planet with gravity for three years. Like, God, it's so crazy. We are we're all limping, a lot of us. I mean, I'm excited for all these like whatever that I mean,

probably part of this thing that you're talking about and this whatever it may be that's on the way like to get to get to that point. It did require parents letting their kids cry. It did require parents allowing children to be something that feels instead of some numb like accident, which I think a lot of us felt like depending on what your parents are like, you know, like a mistake that wasn't supposed to weep.

An emotionless mistake made of meat. I think the biggest part. Oh, do you have to go soon? I have. I've got about five minutes, but I don't want to go. I mean, it's been an hour and 40 minutes. I feel like I've been eating too much of your time. But yeah, I have. But we have a little bit more time on.

I wish I did not have something scheduled in a few minutes, but this is like. It's been really it's so cool. And it feels weird because, you know, this will go. People will listen to this and some of them will be like, what the fuck are they talking about? And some of them will be like, oh, yeah, they're talking about that thing. But it is weird whenever you get to chat with someone

and you get to talk about that thing and you don't have to eat it and freely. Yeah, you know, because it is something I think we do try to. I mean, limit, you know, you just don't want to. I know you just certain people aren't. They don't want to hear about it, Lannis. Yeah, I think part of what happened to me in the lockdown was that I was not forced to do any social interacting with anyone who's not falls to the wall awake because of my podcast.

I end up with this huge community of people who are on the same wavelength. And so I got kind of spoiled in that and that I've gotten to live in this world. And have kind of forgotten how to socially interact with. I'm like, oh, people are still living in the regular reality. And I am terrified of the part where we leave our houses again. And I have to learn that because I wasn't good at it even when I was doing it all the time. And I'm always a little bit torn between hate that some people are going to think I'm crazy.

And then also I know that this stuff is mainstreaming super fast. I think that science and mysticism are going to merge sometime in the next two years. And so I want to make sure that everyone knew I knew it first. I win. That's so funny. That's such a very. Yeah, I get it, though. Well, I mean, yeah.

You know, the Ramdas talks about how his dad used to call him rum dumb when he came back from India, all looking like Jesus, completely distanced him. And how there was that thing in him, you know, to exert like, no, I've there's a guy there. I saw these things. This happened, but then he just was, oh, yeah, the way you communicate this data set is always going to be different from person to person. Right. For some people, the way you communicate this data set is, are you hungry?

Do you want some food? How's your day? Really? Wow, I'm sorry that that stock trade happened or that your car isn't working. Or you know what I mean? And that's it. There's no talk of aliens. There's no talk of anything.

The only thing that's going on is you're trying to let them be exactly who they are in that moment. And if they want to talk about aliens, fuck, yeah, let's talk about aliens. Yeah. But if they don't, just, you know, give I think anytime I've been around someone who's like, just listening or allowing me to be the way I'm at. Where I'm at, wow, you know what I mean? Like that is like being on a spaceship or something.

Doesn't happen that often. I think that that's the secret to peace is allowing everyone to be exactly who they are and not needing. I think we think that unity consciousness is getting everyone to resonate at the exact same frequency. But my understanding is that consciousness, the collective consciousness is like a mirror ball and every single one of those tiny mirror squares is a valid perspective.

But if you compare this perspective of the top left square to the bottom right square, one's looking at the floor on that side of the room. One's looking at the ceiling on that side of the room. Those two are never going to be able to understand each other's perspectives, but they could hold space and say, Hey, you're valid, not my cup of tea, but it's interesting to hear your experience. But if you spend your whole trip here fighting with the person who's looking the other direction and trying to get them to see the same thing as you,

you kind of miss what resonance is. Resonance, I actually don't know the definition of resonance, but like harmony. It's different things coming together and allowing, allowing everyone to be. And obviously there's toxic things that need to be healed in this reality. And giving people space to express themselves. I've done a lot of work with people just in healing a lot of the toxic shit that's around by sharing my experience, but then also listening to their experience and in a space saying, OK, now how about this?

But we are afraid that if other people are having a different experience, that means that our experience isn't real. So it comes from this like insecurity to just be our own autonomous God. Yeah, autonomous God. I love the idea. I learned a lot from chatting with you today. Specifically, trust your own experience. That's what you got.

Don't, you know, actually, I was just reading in a recipe book, you should chop your own vegetables. Don't buy the pre-chopped ones because the flavor goes out. You know, and I was thinking, oh, that's the metaphor. Right. Yeah. Chop your own fucking vegetables. Like you don't need somebody telling you what's going on here. You're what's going on here. Yeah. That's what you taught me today.

That's cool. Thank you very much for giving me so much time, Jessica. Can you tell people how they can find you? I have if I'm on social media, which I take a lot of breaks now, it's just a read comedy on Twitter and Instagram. I have a podcast called Awakening O.D. in which a eight dimensional being yells at you about how to live in the matrix. And I have a Patreon, but I would listen to the podcast first.

What's your Patreon? I think it's just backslash, just read. All the links you need to find just read will be at dugitrussell.com. Just a thank you very much. Thank you. This is quite an right name. Thank you for your time. A big thank you to Galactic ambassador,

just a read for sponsoring this episode of the DTFH. You can follow her on Twitter at just read comedy. You should listen to one of her many awesome podcasts. I'm going to have the link to all of them at dugitrussell.com. And a big thank you to all of our sponsors, ExpressVPN, Shutter, Babble. God bless you for supporting the DTFH. Make sure if you're interested in any of them that you use my precious offer code. And much thanks to you for listening.

I love you all. Thanks for letting me have the best job of all time. God bless you and I will see you next week. Until then, stay fifth dimensional. Hare Krishna. A good time starts with a great wardrobe. Next stop, J.C. Penney. Family get-togethers to fancy occasions, wedding season two.

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