Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 508: Lama Rod Owens
Episode Date: May 20, 2022Lama Rod Owens, brilliant Buddhist teacher, best-selling author, and yoga instructor, joins the DTFH! You can learn more about Lama Rod and sign up for his email list at LamaRod.com. Check out his n...ew book, Love and Rage: The Path of Liberation through Anger, wherever you buy your books. You can also follow Lama Rod Owens on Instagram. Original music by Aaron Michael Goldberg. This episode is brought to you by: Squarespace - Use offer code: DUNCAN to save 10% on your first site. Athletic Greens - Visit AthleticGreens.com/Duncan for a FREE 1-year supply of vitamin D and 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase! Babbel - Sign up for a 3-month subscription with promo code DUNCAN to get an extra 3 months FREE!
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And now everyone, welcome to the DTFH,
the brilliant Lama Rod Owens.
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Welcome Lama Rod Owens to the DTFH.
The Lama Rod.
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Lama Rod, welcome to the DTFH.
It's really nice to meet you.
Yeah, thank you for inviting me.
Why don't we start off with a real basic question,
one that I realized I haven't asked any of my teachers,
even the teachers in the tradition that you're in.
What is crazy wisdom?
I don't think anyone really knows,
and I think we keep it ambiguous for a reason to like,
just to say anything that we do is like skillful
and in line with Dharma.
But I think it's exactly that.
I think it's a lot of things, right?
But I think when we talk about crazy wisdom,
it's just this wisdom that's so precise,
that it's so disrupting,
you know that it seems like completely out there, right?
It seems like it's out there
because we're so tied into like being stable
and permanent and predictable,
which is really not the nature of things, right?
So when someone comes along
and kind of like throws something at us that disrupts us,
it feels really aggressive and really like out there.
When in fact, it's something that's trying to get us
aligned with the reality of things.
What's in your own life,
what is an example of when someone has done that to you?
Yeah, like a really good example is when I moved
to my monastery and they told me to open up a cafe.
What?
Yeah, that's, you know, it gets, it really gets like that.
And- Ah, that's so wild, that's the last,
that is literally of all the things I expected you to say,
I couldn't have guessed that in a million years.
Open a cafe where?
In your, at the monastery or where?
Yeah, well, the monastery owned kind of a cafe property.
It wasn't being used, it was closed.
They wanted to get rid of it, you know,
and they knew that I had a background, you know,
and food service and so my teacher asked me
to head up a team of people to get it going again
so they could like get rid of it.
Right?
So I'm preparing to enter into long retreat,
three year retreat, and I'm having to run a cafe.
And of course, one of the monastics one day was like,
do you understand why this is happening?
Right?
Like, and I was like, no, absolutely not, you know?
But looking back at really, there was a lot of benefit.
I got a lot out of the experience
before kind of giving up everything and going,
you know, into silent retreats, you know,
but it was something that really helped me
to work through a lot of stuff, you know,
that I couldn't have ever imagined.
You were silent for three years?
Yep.
Three years.
For me, I'm an introvert.
So that was like a dream come true, right?
Like, you know, just put me away, close to me,
tell me to be quiet, you know, of course, yeah.
Absolutely.
Wow.
But come on, I mean, no matter how introverted you may be,
human language on a daily basis,
expressing yourself through words,
it seems like to remove that for me for 10 minutes,
I'm so yappy, but for three years seems,
I can't imagine, can you describe what I was like?
Well, and I think speech is just one way
that we're communicating with ourselves
or with others around us.
And I think that being in a situation
where you can't, you know,
have this kind of communication with others,
the attention and the energy that you invested
in maintaining external relationships
through communication actually is inverted.
Like you turn that attention and energy inside
and you begin to understand
how you have been communicating with yourself
or not ever communicating with yourself.
Oh, right.
So you have to understand that silence isn't silence, right?
Like we say silence, sometimes we think,
oh, silence is the absence of noise,
but in silence, sitting in meditation,
it is very active, your mind,
our minds are quite busy, right?
So I didn't long for interaction with others
because I had a whole bunch of drama happening
in my own mind that was sometimes quite entertaining,
other times very frustrating.
I bet, you were cloistered,
are you saying that you spent most of this time by yourself?
Was there any kind of interaction with other monastics or?
Yeah, it was a small group of us,
it was about four of us,
eventually with a caretaker who was responsible
for cooking and shopping and doing things for us
on our behalf in the outside world.
Most of our time was spent alone in our private space,
our private rooms, doing practice.
We had breaks and periods of interaction
because you're living in a cloister,
you're living in a small community,
so there are things that had to be done,
you had to do house cleaning,
you had to wash clothes, you have to eat, you know.
Some periods of the retreat,
we could actually talk to one another,
but then there were long periods
where we couldn't say a word to one another.
What is the preparation for entering
into that kind of retreat look like?
You know, in my case, I don't think I prepared at all.
Some people really, really train to prepare.
Some of that training could look like
working with the language,
this is a Tibetan tradition, so learning Tibetan,
getting proficient in some of the core practices
that you would be exploring.
Sometimes the training looks like learning how to be
in silence for long periods of time.
Ideally, you would do that training, right?
But for me, I just knew that I wanted to do it,
I knew that I had to do it, you know,
and I had to do it to save my life, really,
because I felt like I was out of control
emotionally and mentally, right?
And so my training was really simply moving
to the monastery and being in with the community,
you know, doing the basics of learning the language, right?
And just learning how to kind of shut my life down.
It's like you're just dimming your life
in the outside world down, like you're dimming a light
to be able to kind of transition
into this really radical way of being.
Being still, being silent,
being introspective, contemplative.
So, okay, I get the preparation, learning a language,
understanding the tradition,
but I mean just like the basic cell phone bills,
where you're living.
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["The Last Day of the Day"]
So, okay, I get the preparation,
learning a language, understanding the tradition,
but I mean, just like the basic cell phone bills,
where you're living.
Well, you give up all of that.
How do you do that?
I mean, do you tell your friends?
It's almost like you're preparing for your own death
or something.
Well, it is a death.
It is a dying, right?
Your old self is dying
and you're preparing to give birth to a newer self, right?
Yeah.
And then what you're speaking to is the logistics,
like the bills and the relationships
and the house and the car and the insurance and money, right?
Those are logistics that, for me, were quite simple.
It was simple for me because I didn't have anything, right?
Okay, yeah.
It is more difficult for people who are older,
more established, who do have the families
and the mortgages and the car payments.
It takes more time to wind those things down.
But as a person in my 20s coming into this situation,
I didn't have shit.
I had some clothes, I had some CDs, right?
I had a few lovers, you know?
But that was like, I gladly got rid of that, you know?
Did you break some hearts?
Did you break some hearts?
I did, well, I broke some hearts
and I disappointed a lot of people, you know?
Because as, you know, I think it's quite natural to assume
that when your friend or your family member tells you
that they're going into a three-year retreat
and they'll be shaving their heads
and wearing a burgundy dress and you can't visit at all.
You know?
That is natural to assume
that that loved one is joining a cult.
Right.
Right, you know?
100%.
And so that's what you have to kind of hold as well.
Yeah.
Like when people are coming to you and saying,
I'm really concerned that you're doing something
really dangerous and really extreme
and you have to look at them and say,
I know exactly what I'm doing and I'm gonna do this
and I'll see you in three years, you know?
Yeah.
That's no different than what someone else
in a cult would say.
I know.
And you know that, like you know that,
you know what the optics are and, right?
You know that you have to do this
because you know what it really is.
Right.
You know, it's not brainwashing, it's actually healing.
Right.
And beginning to understand who you are.
That's more of a Western problem, right?
I mean, in the East, if people say they're going
on a three-year retreat, it's a little less dramatic
probably, at least in some cultures.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, the practice of spirituality
in countries and cultures that center spiritual practice.
Like we center religious practice.
Right.
In the West, particularly in this country, it's religion.
It's dogma.
It's ritual.
It's ceremony, right?
Yeah.
But spirituality is a deeper engagement
with self, with our minds, with our bodies, right?
It is a relationship that we're developing
with the unseen world.
Right.
Right.
And energy, right?
We're getting to the essence of who we are.
So that goes beyond ritual, ceremony, a dogma.
It gets into an experience of who we are.
Right.
This is, and there's a little bit of,
I don't know what you'd call it, illiteracy
when it comes to even the difference
between those two things in the West,
adding to the cult, the feeling.
And also, we have, I don't know, there's cults everywhere,
but we have some pretty rotten examples
of what you're talking about being actually toxic
and dangerous.
Did you ever think to yourself though,
during these conversations, holy shit,
am I joining a cult?
No, not at all.
I'll tell you the truth though, on the other end of it,
I completely recognize that there were many aspects
of cults, thinking and culture
that was quite evident and present.
Like what?
You know, like the allegiance to a charismatic leader.
Yep.
Basically, right, that defines many cults, right?
Sure.
And the way that we're taught to have this kind of devotion
and unquestioning, unquestioning devotion
to this leader, right?
But isn't the idea that sometimes that you need to,
if I'm, I don't know, if I'm getting work done on my house,
I need to have a kind of trust in the person doing the work.
I don't know anything about putting up drywall.
So if I'm sitting there being like,
are you sure?
That seems weird to me, I've never done this before,
or a doctor, or a guide through a forest
or something like that.
Isn't that what Lama means, guide?
Like is an idea, like you need to have this
unquestioning trust for this process to be effective.
Well, you know, I think there's a couple of things.
I think when you talk about,
I'll start with this, this understanding of Lama.
Lama is just a Tibetan word for guru, right?
You know, but guru and Lama actually doesn't mean teacher.
Actually, it means one who's deepened in spiritual awareness
through deepening realization, right?
You know, who shares that realization,
but the first meaning is a gravitas,
like a heaviness of spiritual realization, you know?
And that's why I have to start.
Like I can't stay in this space of being a teacher.
I have to always come back to the practice of deepening,
you know, but as to the devotion, right?
Yes, trust, the heart of devotion is trusting.
Like I have to trust the guide to get me from point A to point B,
but I also have to retain a level of agency
where at any point I can say what the hell is going on.
Right, yeah.
And I think a good teacher can hold doubt and feedback
and critique and pushback, right?
And I think the best teacher can actually practice
a profound transparency and to say, you know what?
Yeah, this is what's happening.
Right, yeah.
No, see, because to me, this is where crazy wisdom
can become problematic and that if it falls
into the wrong hands, somebody could be exploiting you,
doing rotten things and say, well, look,
you just don't understand.
You see, you're so locked into your old life
that you don't realize that part of crazy wisdom
is me giving you lavender baths with a bok ag in your mouth
or whatever it may be, you know?
And then that's where it becomes really difficult to like,
I get weird, I'm weird enough to think,
you know what, I kind of can see how that would be.
Right.
That would help me.
It's real sweet because like what we're looking for
is for someone to do the work for us.
I just want to like give everything over to you
and you're going to set me free, right?
It's like, if I vote for you, you get me free, right?
Yes.
If I give you enough money, right?
You're going to get me free.
I can buy my way to heaven, right?
That'd be great.
You know, I know, wouldn't it?
Right, you know, but like no one can get us free
except for ourselves.
It's through our individual labor
with the support of communities and others around us
that we get free.
So when I'm entering into a relationship with a teacher,
I retain a level of agency, you know, self-awareness, right?
Sure.
The choice to do what I feel like I need to do
because I need to retain that agency to do my own work.
Right.
You know, and the problem is for a lot of Westerners,
we enter, we don't actually understand what devotion is.
We think devotion is someone else doing work for us.
Devotion is trusting someone to show us what the work is.
Then we go and do the work.
Right.
And it's the work that begins to direct us to what's next.
Okay.
So I don't rely on the teacher to keep telling me what to do.
Like I rely on my experience of practice,
which is deepening my clarity and care
for myself and others.
That becomes the teacher ultimately.
Okay. Yeah. That's cool.
I love that.
But hey, what does freedom mean to you?
How do you define freedom?
Yeah.
I'm actually writing about freedom right now in my book,
my next book, New Saints, coming out next year.
Freedom, you know, freedom is for me choice.
Choice, like to, and relatively,
freedom is having access to the resources that I need
to be well, safe and happy.
Yeah.
You know, ultimately, freedom is the recognition
of the illusion of the relative, you know?
Yeah. Right.
Yes.
It's moving beyond binaries.
Right.
Up and down, black and white, left and right,
and beginning to actually tune into
and develop a relationship to this inherent,
like, emptiness, space, and fundamental energy.
Fundamental energy.
I've heard it called fundamental goodness.
Yeah.
I like fundamental energy.
That's a little more neutral or something.
I don't know what goodness is really.
I don't really get that.
But you've heard that term before.
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, basic goodness, fundamental goodness.
You know, I'm very interested in the most direct
understanding of something,
the most direct definition of something.
I don't know, like when I say fundamental goodness,
then I have to define what goodness is.
Right.
You know?
But when I talk about energy, fundamental energy,
energy, right?
You know, there are different qualities of energy,
different kinds of energy.
There's energy that's aware of itself,
and we call that consciousness.
Yes.
You know?
There's energies that create energies
that bind energies that destroy or disperse, right?
I'm just trying to get to that.
Right.
And I'm trying to understand
that that's fundamentally what I am.
Right.
Yeah, I like the distinction that comes up
in Buddhism between absolute and relative reality.
And I like the, that's a very useful,
that's very liberating to me in the sense
that I am so hypnotized.
So hypnotized by relative reality in the most,
and it's terrifying when you realize
that you have become sort of, I don't know, stuck
on a kind of planet that doesn't really exist,
but you're in this gravity field of something.
Why are we in this situation in the first place?
Like, do you have any explanation for what got us here?
Well, you know, that's complex, you know?
But let me give it a try.
Thank you.
Wow!
You know, I just think that with anything,
like think, well, think of it like this.
Imagine a stream, like a stream moving through the woods,
right?
And when you look at certain streams,
you see certain, you know, obstacles
or like things like blocking the flow of the stream.
Yeah.
You know, like beavers will come and do dams
and like there'll be rocks and so forth and so on.
So think of consciousness as just the stream, right?
And then there are things that arise in the stream,
then the stream kind of gets kind of split, you know?
That is how we fall into this situation.
Our consciousness got snagged on something
and that snag was a thought.
And that thought took us out of the grand consciousness,
you know?
And then that started creating different streams of reality.
And it took us away from the larger stream
into these minor streams.
And then we started believing
that these smaller streams were, was it?
Yeah.
You know?
And what we're trying to do is get back.
We're trying to rejoin the grand larger stream,
you know, which is the grand consciousness.
It's, is this a mistake?
Is this an accident?
Is this like some kind of cosmic version
of a bird getting stuck in something in the woods?
Or is it, you know what I mean?
Is this just a mistake?
It was, yeah, it was a mistake, right?
And the mistake was intensified when we forgot
that this was all just an illusion to begin with.
Right.
We started, we started getting too curious about the snag.
Yeah.
You know, as we do in our normal lives,
how we create a whole bunch of shit out of nothing.
Yeah.
This is what's happened.
We have to unpack the shit to get back
to the experience of the illusion.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And this is suffering is basically what we're talking
about here.
This is a natural byproduct of this interrupted stream
is this what most people, varying forms of suffering.
Yeah.
Various forms of suffering, which is this thought
that there is something that is suffering
that can experience suffering.
God, it's so crazy.
It's such a wild.
It's so wild, you know, to get close to it like that.
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It's so wild, you know,
to get close to it like that.
Because you're, you know,
you're especially unaided by any psychedelics or anything.
You know, sometimes I would take just the right amount of LSD.
You know, I can get him like, oh my God, I'm not real.
But even then, you're saying an I.
But yeah, so this problem or whatever we want to call it,
this issue that we find ourselves completely entangled
and snared, wrapped up in illusion.
How does that square with the idea
that everything's perfect, crazy wisdom,
this is all part of the dharma, that's all a teaching?
You know, how does one negate the other
or how do these two possibilities coexist?
Yeah, well, I think the perfect text
that speaks to this is the heart sutra, you know,
which is the text, the sermon the Buddha gave,
you know, on an India, you know,
it's called the heart attack sutra, you know,
because when he, you know, started teaching it,
people just started like falling out and dying
and having heart attacks because it was so intense.
Do you believe that, do you believe that really happened?
Not really, but what I do believe with, you know,
when people, when beings are awakened,
they emit, they radiate a certain kind of energy
that's hard to hold and when they are really open,
you know, and just really like pouring it on,
I think it's hard to manage.
So when you have this being who's just sitting there
going like, oh yeah, you know, there's the absolutes
and there's the relative and both of them are true
and they're even truer when you have to practice them
together at the same time.
You know, that's, I can feel,
I can feel like the tension when I get close
to trying to like practice the absolutes
and the relative together at the same moment.
How do you do that?
Yeah, you know, and that's what we're trying to do.
Like we're trying, you're not negating anything.
You're just saying that both of these things are true
at the very same time in the very same moment.
And how do I live a life that incorporates
both at the same time, knowing that I can't
intellectually figure this out,
that this is only an experience and this experience
is intended to deeply disrupt me.
Which, the experience of relative reality
or the experience of trying to open up or wake up?
Well, the experience of waking up
by holding both the absolute and the relative together.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, is there a way to not hold it together though?
Isn't that kind of the problem?
Is that, I mean, isn't it some form
of crucifixion we're dealing with here?
Right?
We're kind of like, how do we get off the ride really?
You know, so, and is it that it's so weirdly,
at least initially unbearable to recognize the absolute
while being wrapped up in the gears of the relative
that we kind of burrow into the relative
just to evade that, the reality that's already there?
It could be, that's definitely possible,
but the other intent is to short circuit
that analytical mind that's always trying
to make everything make sense.
You know, because none of this makes sense.
That's what the harsh sutra is telling us.
This doesn't make sense.
This is like ridiculous.
Would you mind saying some of the heart sutra
for folks who might not be familiar with it?
Well, you know, I think the core teaching
of the heart sutra is form is emptiness.
Emptiness is form.
Form is no other than emptiness.
Emptiness is no other than form.
So what it's setting up is this kind of puzzle
or this kind of mind training that says that like,
if you're an extremist,
then you're actually not practicing the truth.
So if you're living completely in the absolute,
but you're living in the relative,
then you're not actually practicing the teaching.
Or if you're living in the relative
and with no view of the absolute,
then you're still not doing the teaching.
That when you're in the relative,
you have to understand this is also the absolute.
This just so you know, sorry to cut you off,
please continue, I apologize, that was rude.
Oh, go ahead, go ahead.
This heart sutra, by the way, my arm's going numb.
This is your fault.
This heart sutra,
I did a, forget three year retreat,
I did a weekend retreat here in Asheville, North Carolina,
years and years and years ago when I was in college,
sitting, staring at a wall,
then they start doing the heart sutra.
I wasn't prepared, I didn't even know the heart sutra existed
and they're like, you know, in that kind of monotone
no life, no death.
I left, I went to get a beer.
I'm like, I'm out of here, I can't deal with this,
it's too much and I split.
So I understand, I go back and forth on the heart attack,
but I kind of think it did happen maybe.
But then I'm like, no way that's possible.
I kind of think like, if you're that tuned into someone
and they blow your whole game up,
you could just give up your body or something.
Well, if you get the rug pulled from under you too quickly,
it's hard to maintain relationships with the ego,
because nowhere in Buddhism
are we being asked to erase anything.
You're always being asked to realize the illusion
of everything.
So when you have, this is a part of cult mentality.
Like when a cult says that like you have to erase thoughts,
you know, you have to erase the sense of self,
that's brainwashing.
Right.
But in Dharma, we're saying,
no, you're not trying to get rid of anything.
We're just trying to understand
that like all this stuff is just an illusion.
So you have choice to choose something different
than just buying in to what you think is real.
Right.
It's something maybe for some people
that sounds like bad news.
What do you mean this is all an illusion?
My mom, my dad, my kids, my body, what?
But the more you work with it,
the more you're like, oh, it's the best news ever.
What do you want to be frozen permanently
in some kind of static thing forever?
Well, it's like being in the relative
with no understanding of absolute.
It's like living your life in a coffin, you know?
And then someone comes along, flips the lid open
and you're terrified because all you know is the coffin.
All you know is this really tight space.
Because it's all about comfort and familiarity.
Like this is what I know, I know confinement.
I know the carceral state.
Yes.
Right, I get that.
Everything is defined for me.
I don't have to work, you know?
Right.
Like what I get and what I'm offered is what I take.
But when we start talking about freedom,
it's like I have to transcend comfort
and I also have to transcend discomfort, you know?
This is why I don't like the term like fundamental goodness
because we have to transcend goodness as well to get free.
All concepts have to be transcended.
My teacher said something that told me once,
I think everything might be neutral Duncan
and I really hated it.
I was like, don't say it, just don't ever say that again.
I don't want to hear that ever again.
And it's hard to hear that when you're having fun.
Like when you like love shit, like, you know?
But when you're told that like, no, actually,
like your enjoyment and pleasure is a very small,
finite thing compared to what actual liberation is.
Yeah.
You know?
Like we can't fathom it.
This is why we struggle to understand all kinds of liberation
from social liberation to ultimate liberation
because we can't fathom what it means to be free
because we've never been free.
Like, how do you, how do you even get there?
Right?
And again, it comes back to the heart suture for me.
It's just like, it's not something I can think about.
It's something that I sit and experience.
All right.
Yeah, right.
You can't think your way out of this damn coffin, huh?
Yeah.
You have to come back to this really basic sensation,
this basic awareness and knowing like this is what this is.
Like, oh yeah.
Like my, you know, my back hurts, right?
Yeah.
What is that?
And stop thinking about it, just experience it.
Yeah, right, right, right.
And the experience opens to the freedom.
Okay, okay.
So the story, right?
This is the story or add-ons as they call it
or the poison arrow.
Okay, I love that you brought this up.
I've been thinking about it quite a bit lately.
Yeah, dropping the story.
And I've been working with that when I've, you know,
it's amazing how if I do that,
I'm suddenly having the best day ever.
Or a great day or at least a day unencumbered
by whatever my particular neurosis in that moment is.
But this is what I've been worried about.
Isn't that sociopathic?
Like, if I, you know what I mean?
If I'm feeling bad because I acted out
or if I'm feeling bad because I was,
I don't know, angry or whatever.
And then I dropped that story.
And I, and successfully.
So suddenly it's like, no,
I'm just, you're in this moment in this place.
Isn't that what sociopaths do to not feel bad
about doing things that you shouldn't do?
Well, I think there's a,
you have to understand that
what we're also working with is space.
And so like, I'm not trying to drop anything.
I'm just trying to allow space to hold everything.
So I stay in relationship.
But if I feel bad, like I do, you know,
this happens all the time for me.
Like I do something stupid, really fucked up.
And I'm sitting with the guilt, the shame, whatever it is.
I'm not trying to get rid of that.
I'm just trying to suffer less.
Right.
You know, because that shame or really whatever,
the discomfort in that moment is actually teaching me
something that I need to pay attention to.
So if I try to get rid of it,
I'm losing a teaching and a lesson.
But what I'm doing is saying, like, oh,
like there's more happening than this shame or guilt
from doing something really messed up.
Right.
You know, and that's a kind of care that I offer myself
because that's going to help me really like
stay in a relationship to this discomfort, right?
Because that relationship is helping me to understand
how to be in relationship with myself
and how to be in a relationship with others.
You know.
Okay.
So basic question.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
So when in Buddhism, when they talk about the end
of suffering, they don't mean the end of discomfort.
When we talk about the end of all, absolutely
on the absolute level, it is the exhaustion of suffering.
On the relative level, when we talk about the exhaustion
of suffering, it actually means the awakening of space
and the realization that the nature of suffering
is an expression of space, emptiness, and energy.
It doesn't go away.
Wait, wait.
The expression, wait.
Can you please say that one more time?
The expression of suffering, discomfort,
is like all phenomena.
It's the same essence.
It's space, it's emptiness, it's energy, right?
But we have an ego, the sense of self
that's labeling the experience and making it
to a story that's really centering us.
This good, this bad, this, this is happening to me.
This is my suffering.
Why am I suffering?
Why am I doing this?
You know.
Okay.
Okay.
But on the relative, like we're not trying to like,
like we're not trying to like completely erase suffering
because we won't necessarily, like,
but we're just trying to understand what suffering is.
You're talking about the basic fundamental energy.
It's like, you're not gonna erase that.
That's here, that's this,
but you're putting these labels on it
that are causing all kinds of issues.
Exactly.
Well, I'm enlightened now.
Thanks, I don't need to, I'm just kidding.
I want to ask you,
I've always wondered what Buddhist,
what in general,
and I know there's many lineages of Buddhism,
but what their take is on gayness and being gay.
And so I was excited to talk to you
because you're a llama and you're gay.
And so can you, for folks listening,
what is the Buddhist stance or is there a Buddhist stance
as opposed to like fundamentalist Christianity,
their bigots, they think God doesn't like gay people
or a lot of world religions have like completely,
what's the word for it?
Somehow managed to turn being like homophobic
into an aspect of their religion.
So what's Buddhist, how does Buddhism look at it?
Yeah, well, I think you have to think about it in two ways.
I think there's cultural,
you know, Buddhist practice
and then there's ultimate Buddhist practice.
Ultimately, you know, and this is, you know,
from definitely from my perspective,
like it doesn't matter.
Yeah.
You know, this isn't, you know, a sin,
it's not, you know, a hindrance, right?
You know, because in Buddhism,
it's not what we're doing is why we're doing it.
You know, what's the intention, right?
If the intention is about love, compassion, liberation.
Yeah.
Right?
You know, that's what we're concerned with, you know?
That's the heart of Buddhadharma and ethics.
It's like, why are we doing this?
And is it aligned with liberation?
Right.
And of course, to be aligned with liberation
means that you're also centering love
and compassion and wisdom.
You know, so, but when you start talking
about any cultural practice of a spiritual path
or religion, then you're getting into these systems
that conflate spiritual practice with, you know,
the functionality of culture and civilizations, right?
You know, how gayness or queerness doesn't function
in a culture because ultimately what cultures
are interested in is reproduction.
Yeah.
You know, but also, you know,
because of the intense kinds of patriarchy, right?
That we've been really struggling with
for thousands and thousands of years, right?
Patriarchy is about rigidity.
It's about compartmentalizing.
Yeah.
You know, just saying to like, this is this
and that is that, right?
And when there's a kind of blurring of the lines, right?
That's seen as antagonistic to the culture
because it becomes unclear, it becomes ambiguous
and we can't survive an ambiguity.
Oh, right, yeah.
And it's hard for us to control other people
if there's so much ambiguity.
So if you have the power to define someone,
their identity and force them to maintain
that identification, then you can more easily control them.
Right.
Right.
And this is all we're talking about is control
and using violence to control.
Keeping things rigid and clear and straightforward.
Efficient.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, it seems like it's antithetical
to what we were just talking about
that the ambiguity that this is something
that's always frustrated me with working with my teachers.
Just there's never like my ego
or my identity really wants answers.
Or my other teacher, Tejo Munic,
who I first studied with, when I was working with her,
she was just making me clean the temple.
And finally I said, are you giving me a book or something
and meditate?
She goes, I meditate.
And she was like, well, what was the Buddha doing
when he achieved realization?
And I was like, oh, right, the practice, meditating.
There is no book, but man, we sure hate it.
There's not me, me, you don't, I do.
I don't like the ambiguity.
I feel safer if like, okay, this is my practice.
Now I'm on the path.
Now I'm off the path.
I'm playing Elden Ring till 2 a.m.
This isn't Buddhism.
What's wrong with me?
I'm a dad.
Why am I staying up so late playing video games?
Okay, I'm meditating again.
This is the path.
I don't, that where the line gets blurry
between those two things, I don't know.
It, I lose control and it bugs the shit out of me.
Yeah, I mean, that's how the ego maintains itself.
It's through this level of control and clarity.
Yeah.
You know, this is that and this is this.
Like this is me, this is you.
And I want to do everything to maintain these lines
because my ego depends on the external world
to define itself.
I don't know who I am.
If I can't figure out who you are.
And if I can't figure out who you are,
then I get thrown into a tailspin
where I get really confused and full of doubt.
And because I don't have a practice to hold that
ambiguity and doubt that I actually start reverting
to violence against myself and against others
because the ego is trying to firm itself up
by any means necessary.
Making enemies.
That's a great way to firm up.
Making enemies, making war,
forcing people to be something that they're not, you know,
because that's how I'm using that to define who I am.
I bet you have helped so many gay people,
so many people who thought that like,
you didn't even understand that there was a way
for Buddhism to work with their identity,
whatever it may be.
Well, you know, here's the thing for me.
It's like, I didn't depend on Buddhism to tell me
that I was okay.
Right.
Like I already figured that out.
Like I figured out that like being queer,
being gay was not an issue.
The real issue was the culture of the society
that I was living in that was telling me that I was wrong.
Like I already figured that out.
And so when I came into Dharma and people were like,
oh, what does Buddhism say about, you know, queerness?
I was like, I don't give a fuck what Buddhism says.
So I felt queer is quite honestly, you know,
like that's the furthest, you know,
this is what I think because I am experiencing more freedom
and fluidity than I've ever experienced in my life.
And that is because of the fundamentals of practice
that say nothing about sexuality and gender and identity.
It says awareness, wisdom, love, compassion,
you know, like the fundamentals.
Yes, and I love that.
That's a real way for me to not feel so guilty
because I think most people aren't nefarious, you know,
like if you look at why you're doing something generally,
it's not like, I wanna fuck up the world
or let me cause problems.
It's usually that within it is some kind of sloppy,
maybe sloppy, but legitimate attempt
to bring peace to yourself or people around you.
But in this lineage of Buddhism, people get confused,
I guess I do too, because there isn't there
an aspect of sexuality here, Tantra,
this like not sort of relegating the sexual energy
to some cabinet that you're not supposed to look in.
Did you study that in Retreat or have you been taught
anything about that?
Well, I think part of maybe what you're alluding to
is like Tantric sex, you know, or just like...
The masculine, feminine, energies,
merging. Well, they have nothing to do
with physical relative gender.
Like that's what we get real confused about.
Like it doesn't, because I'm a cisgender male,
it doesn't mean that like I don't have
a lot of feminine energy, you know, advice first
or what, you know, and so many things can be drawn
from that, right, different kinds of combinations.
But, you know, it's what we're again talking about
is the nature of the mind and energy, right?
And what we're trying to tap into
is that fundamental energy again, you know,
that definitely is a part of my body, right?
And all my, you know, identities that I occupy, you know,
but as I have this body and identities,
I am not this body and identities, you know,
I'm actually this energy, you know,
and that's what I'm practicing with.
Yes.
And so we can, you know, often I get questions
about tantric sex and the pairing of opposite energies.
And I say, well, you know, once you evolve
into higher levels of consciousness,
you can shape energy, you know,
to manifest in whatever ways needed
in order to experience liberation in the moment.
Right.
You know, but you can skillfully use
the pairing of opposite energies, you know,
to get somewhere, but like, you don't have to stay there.
No, I know.
I mean, gosh, no, the anima, the anima stuff,
masculine, feminine, energy, swirling,
or listen to my voice, does it sound like a dude's in me?
No, you know, I haven't once, when I call down an hotel,
there hasn't been a single time where someone has been like,
yes, Mr. Trussell, it's always, yes, Mr. Trussell,
I just gave up like fine, I don't care, what am I gonna,
I don't say, I just order wine.
That's the thing, and that's like what we have to get to,
is that like, it doesn't matter how you identify me,
as long as like, you're not getting in the way
of me getting free.
Right, or am I getting my room service?
Yeah, like, yeah.
I'm sorry, I didn't, yeah, and also,
but I like going back to your, like, why are you doing,
what's the, if someone is like talking to you,
what's, what is the reason, what's behind there,
whatever, and you know, if there's aggression there,
then I guess, you know, there is a reason
to be defensive, right?
Yeah, we have to, you know, listen,
we have to like get serious about what our ethic
in life is, like what are we actually trying
to do in this life, you know, like you have to get clear,
and my ethic is to reduce harm, right,
against myself and against others, right,
like to reduce that harm and understand
what harm and violence is, you know,
to understand the ways in which I may get in the way
of other people getting access to resources
that they need to be well happy and safe,
like that's what I'm trying to do,
and I'm trying to actually become a conduit
to channel more resources that people need into the world,
and to become more aware of the ways in which I block
people getting what they need.
How do you block people?
You don't seem like you're blocking anybody
from getting what they need.
I mean, I just think there are like many ways
that we can block people, you know, like we,
and this is, you know, it can be largely unconscious,
like sometimes like we have certain views
and perspectives that actually get in the way
of other people feeling safe and happy and free, you know?
I think about so much of the legislation that's happening,
which is a prime example of one group of people
getting in the way of other people, you know?
Like, you know, when we're passing legislation
to censor how we're defining ourselves
to legislate bodies, you know, of women and people who,
you know, can bear children, right?
You know, like you're getting in the way
of people having access to what they need
to be well and safe.
Oh, you're killing people.
I mean, this is, this is the, I'm sorry,
and I'm not, obviously these are not,
these are my opinions.
This is the Christian right.
They've been doing this for decades.
This is a long-term plan.
Our Roe v. Wade is just the beginning.
They want a theocracy.
I mean, that's, and a lot of the people right now,
there's a lot of like people out there are like,
well, it doesn't affect me or all the system.
It's like, oh, you don't, you don't get it.
You think they're stopping with that?
They're not stopping.
They've got an agenda, if you ask me,
and that agenda is to dissolve the separation
of church and state, implement Christian theocracy
in the West, and then start some ridiculous crusade.
I'm sorry, I'm just, it's, I can't believe we're watching
this, I can't believe we're watching it happen.
But yes.
Absolutely.
Yeah, I mean, and it makes sense that it's happening, right?
You know, and what we, you know, what we're having
to understand is that what's happening now
has nothing to do with freedom.
It has everything to do with control and violence, right?
Yeah.
And I believe that this will not work.
Like it's, it's working now, but like this is
what we're going to experience are people
like radically awakening and saying,
what the fuck is happening?
Right.
Like, and it's going to be a violent shove for people
when they wake up one day and say,
what happened to this right that I used to have?
And now it's gone and it's going to trigger the fuck
out of a lot of people, you know?
Yeah.
And I believe, I totally believe that's going to happen.
There's going to be a huge shift.
And yeah, we're going to have to like really struggle
to push through, but we're going to come out
on the other end going, okay, let's do something
different now because this didn't fucking work.
I really hope you're right.
I mean, I just, I, I, I'm pretty skeptic.
I'm pretty pessimistic regarding, I mean, I just,
I have a friend who explained, broke the whole thing
down to me.
I don't know if you, I used to, I went through a period
of watching these like, they're these, they're these,
we're getting a little off of Buddhism.
I hope you don't mind, but it's a podcast who cares.
So the, there's these movies.
I don't know if you've seen them.
My wife and I would watch them on a lark.
God's not dead.
Yeah.
You know, so these movies are funded by mega churches
and the money that these movies make is used to try
to pass legislation that is into lobby and influence.
And this is where, how we've gotten into this predicament
is that we're supposed to have a separation of church
and state in this country.
It also protects religious people.
You don't want the government coming into your house
and being like, you can't teach that religion to your child.
That's not the religion of the state.
You want, you want it separated.
But yeah, I don't, I'm very pessimistic about it
because I think that people, I don't think it's an accident
that this happened, right?
As we're all kind of like wobbly from the pandemic
and the, you know, it's a perfect time.
We're all just a little confused and like, huh?
I don't know, but I'm glad you think that.
I think that too, because I don't see it as this kind of
relative, I don't see it completely
as this relative social struggle.
I also see it as spiritual warfare.
And spiritual warfare is happening on multiple levels
in multiple worlds at once.
So in this world, right?
And this is in line with Buddhism, right?
You know, in this world, there's an unseen world
that's also struggling, you know?
And the unseen world, the reality itself,
the universe is an expression of, you know,
to use this term light of goodness, right?
Like it's on the side, like this, like we're not,
we don't live in this reality that's expressing violence,
but violence happens and harm happens
because like we have misunderstood the nature of things,
right?
You know, and so on in the unseen world,
and I talk about the unseen world being spirits
and, you know, these wisdom beings
who are actually working very hard, you know,
to align themselves with what's happening in this world,
right?
So my experience of all of this right now
is that there's tremendous help right now.
There's a lot of positive energy flooding
into this world right now to rebalance.
But you, the system has to break down.
You know, and this is systems theory here.
It's like the system has to collapse
for something new to happen.
You can't reform a system that never worked to begin with.
Right, right, right.
So you scrap it.
And of course that scrapping means
that a lot of people are gonna have to suffer
like we are now.
Yeah.
You know?
But when the system collapse,
then it's like we started asking, but what else now?
Because we have been really damaged and hurt
by this old system.
Yeah.
You know, yeah.
And I, thank you for reminding me of that.
I just, I get so constricted into,
I watch the news too much and I just get so.
It's hard.
It's hard.
And I have to tell people all the time, it's hard.
Like you can't keep consuming the negativity, you know?
We have to like consciously choose,
you know, what the positive that's happening, right?
And again, for me,
for me, ancestor practice is really important.
I, you know, I'm descendant of African enslaved people
and as well as indigenous communities here in the South.
And my ancestor survived slavery and genocide
in all forms of violence, right?
Yeah.
And still maintained hope and joy.
They still can maintain their connection to magic
and practice and religion and spirituality, right?
You know?
Yeah.
And I am a practitioner of liberation theology
to I believe that God is on the side
of those of us who are suffering the most
who are the victims.
Yeah.
And I think that these oppressive structures
that like we will balance out again, you know?
But things have to like, you know,
we have to just kind of break down, you know?
You don't get a resurrection without a crucifixion, right?
Exactly.
You have to die.
Yeah.
To be born again.
You know, of course mainstream Christianity, you know,
really particularly evangelical Christianity,
really just like they took that, that kind of rebirth,
you know, language, you know?
But like what I'm talking about in this sense
is that like all this shit that's not helping us
to get free actually has to die.
But because we're so identified with this shit
is going to feel like we're dying.
Ah, right, right, right, right.
It's like I don't know who I am.
Like so therefore I don't know that I am not my identity.
I'm not my beliefs, you know?
And so when those begin to be challenged,
then it feels like I, my fundamental being
is being challenged.
And you have to separate those experiences, you know?
But unfortunately before you get to that realization,
everything just has to crash.
And then you begin to say, oh, you know what?
I wasn't that belief.
I wasn't that practice.
Yeah.
Like there's something deeper.
There's a deeper experience of who I am
that I'm trying to get to.
And that's what we're moving towards is a social rebirth.
And to a deeper relationship to who we are and what we are.
What does that look like?
How do you, what does that look like in the world?
Like, how does that look?
What is that?
Or, you know, how could we expect this to show up
in the world or how is it showing up?
It's already showing up.
I think there are people who are just learning
how to be more concerned with people around them.
That's the first step.
It's like, how are people doing, you know?
Like, how can I like start actually
getting to know my neighbors and then like asking
what they need and how can I actually offer
what I have to others around me?
That basic concern is the sign, right?
You know, and then what are other signs?
You know, there are people who two years ago
had no idea what, you know, how violent
you know, certain institutions like the police are.
Right.
And now they're like, oh, police historians
and they're understanding violence.
They're understanding oppression.
They're understanding anti, you know, blackness and so forth.
Like, there's a huge group of people who are now educated
who are trying to use this knowledge
to do something different.
That is such an easy thing to forget
that a few years ago, this stuff was,
you couldn't find, you had to dig for it to find it
unless you were someone who'd been right in the face of it.
And now it's become a national conversation,
global conversation.
Yeah, this is our vocabulary now.
Right, right, right.
That's huge.
Yeah, it's huge.
It's super huge, right?
But then like, of course, it can be challenged
by all this other stuff that's happening now, you know?
And it's like you have to maintain the perspective.
Yes, there are things that are getting worse
and there are things that are getting a lot better.
Like you have, this is again, the heart sutra.
Like all this stuff is happening at once, right?
And I can't keep focusing on one thing over the other.
Right, that's it, liberation theology.
I love it, I love it.
It's so, because it's the other one,
it's so much louder, it's got costumes that are scary
and bombs in the other side, it's like people like you,
but it's somehow, I don't know,
it takes some discipline, I guess, to tune into it, you know?
Yeah, it's asking yourself what's really happening.
Like get to the root, what's really happening?
Is this person who's trying to legislate my right to be gay
or my kids' right to be gay and trans?
Like are they just evil?
Or are they just really scared?
Or are they really attached to this belief of reality?
Are they bad people?
Or are they just not aware of what they're doing?
And scared and fearful and using that fear to hide away
from allowing people to be free
because they actually don't know how to be free themselves.
Right.
I think one of the things that I,
in all this conversation around what people are doing,
again, I just think that people are just terrified
of what they don't know and understand
because it will disrupt their sense of ego
and sense of self, right?
And they think that who they think they are in this moment
is who they are, you know?
And we haven't done the practice, right?
To connect to this deeper sense
or experience of who we are, you know?
And that's what saved my life.
Like this is why I went into a three-year retreat
because I was like, I'm black, I'm queer, I'm all this stuff,
but like this can't be the totality of who I am.
Yeah.
You know, because this sucks, you know?
Living in an anti-queer, anti-black world.
You know, it's just too much.
Who am I?
Like what is the nature of me, of I, right?
Yeah.
And now I can be in the world
and not be consumed by the violence
directed towards these identity locations that I occupy.
I can be free.
Like everyone has to do this labor, you know?
Because I want to be free from my identities
that are based on suffering
as much as my identities that are based upon privilege.
Right.
I got to be free from both
this privilege and privileged identities.
Whoa.
To let those go.
Wow.
That is wild, man.
That is so wild.
And that's where this idea of crazy wisdom
becomes much, much more in focus.
It's like once you start divesting
from who you think you are or who the world
or your culture is telling you who you are,
then you excel into the space where you're not bound
by the same restrictions other people around you
are bound by.
You're not playing by the same rules anymore
because you realize there aren't any rules.
Oh, shit.
And that's freedom.
Then we get so afraid when we see people doing that
because they're reminding us that it is actually
quite possible to live beyond these regulations
but they're also reminding us of how easy
these people can be the recipient of violence
because they're living outside of the boundaries
that we force ourselves to live in.
So we get jealous and try to disrupt them.
And this is, for me personally, a personal example
is patriarchy, right?
This is like patriarchy, anyarchy, right?
But patriarchy survives because it retaliates
against anyone who blurs, who transcends the set guidelines.
You know?
Wow, blurs.
Patriarchy doesn't like the blur.
No.
You can't control the blur.
That's like you can't dominate it, you know?
And that's why patriarchy, there's this misogyny, right?
Because patriarchy views femininity as this blur,
as a fluidity, it's not there's something
that can't be controlled.
But regardless, we're going to control it anyway, you know?
We're going to figure out any way
that we can legislate, control, marginalize, oppress.
Sinister, sinister, sinister.
That's so dark.
What's even more sinister is when
we're participating in this kind of violence,
and we don't even know it, because we just
identify it as normal.
So normal that we can't even name it anymore.
Right, right, right, like born into the thing.
So yeah, it's just this is like, this is the environment.
This is what you're born into.
It just makes sense, it's the way it is.
Yeah, it's like this old story about the fish and the water.
Like the fisherman asks the fish, how's the water?
And the fish goes, what water?
Right, and that's where we are.
It's like, what patriot are you?
This is who I am.
That's the sinister part about it.
This is who I am.
But who I think I am is actually an expression of violence
and oppression towards other groups of people.
And we have to disrupt that and say, you know what?
I have to figure out who I am, and I
have to figure out my identities that are not
expressions, that are not built on the oppression of others.
You know, to me, an illustration of what you're talking about
and also an illustration of, I think, how things are getting
better, watch any comedy from the 80s.
And look at the way being gay was the worst thing.
Like it was like you just, gay kids are watching this
and with their friends, maybe they haven't come out yet
and they're thinking, my god.
I'm that that is being completely rejected in a comedy
as a form of healthy, masculine behavior.
Now that would never happen.
That's never coming out in a movie, ever.
No movie, it's not getting made.
But we have come a long way, but that's what I came up in.
I didn't come up in any kind of open.
There was no conversation about being gay,
being something that was healthy or normal or just
like anything else.
Like if I seemed slightly gay to my dad,
he would get pissed, ride a real wheel, like, you're not gay.
Are you gay?
What's?
Man, yeah, it's like, I just don't know.
I think that's one of the good things about some,
like I'm almost 50.
People coming up now, I don't think
they realize how baked in it was.
But this is why, also, I'm so optimistic
because we have so many young people who are growing up
in a context where they have access to all this information
and examples, like for me, growing up before the internet.
I didn't use the internet until I was 18 in the college.
Until then, I only had what was on TV
or what I could find a book on in the library or a magazine.
But now, young people just can pick up their phones
and have access to any information that they want.
And I think this is, of course, it can be quite negative,
but the positive part of this is that they have this information
and they can choose.
They have choices now because they see other people.
They see other ways of being, other ways of doing
and expressing themselves.
And this is why the younger generation is the generation
that's going to really free us.
And this is, again, also why I'm passing positive about this
because this is the future, like this is the wave,
like this wave of fluidity and openness and questioning
and doubting structures of violence.
That's what's coming.
And what we're experiencing now, I believe,
is the last shouts.
It's like the last bit of organizing.
Like we're going to do everything
that we can to solidify this regiment, right?
But it's not going to hold up.
Fingers crossed on that one.
Fingers crossed.
I'm not a llama, didn't spend three years in retreat,
so I'm still plagued by fear and doubt.
But I think these kinds of conversations remind me,
throw cold water on my face, and make me feel connected again.
So thank you so much for the time that you've given me
and for being so open with me.
And truly, this is a remarkable conversation.
I'm very grateful to you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Could you tell people where they can find you?
Everyone's going to want to talk to you.
Absolutely.
You can find me, my website, Llamarod.com.
You can find me on social media, Llamarod Owens,
official Llamarod official on Instagram,
Llamarod1 on Twitter.
My next book, New Saints, is coming out later next year.
Maybe we could do another podcast right before your book
comes out so we can plug it.
And also, you're doing online classes right now, I saw.
Absolutely.
Yeah, so I offer online courses.
And I also am offering some in-person retreats as well
later this year.
So all that will be on my website.
All the links will be at DuncanTrussell.com.
Llamarod, thank you so much.
Yeah, thank you.
I had a question.
That was Llamarod Owens, everybody.
All the links you need to find them
will be at DuncanTrussell.com.
A big thank you to our sacred sponsors.
And a huge thank you to you.
Thanks for listening.
Come see me live.
Subscribe to our Patreon, patreon.com,
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And I'll see you next week.
Until then, Hare Krishna.
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