Duncan Trussell Family Hour - 646: Johnny Pemberton

Episode Date: November 2, 2024

Johnny Pemberton, brilliant comedian and actor (Superstore, Fallout), re-joins the DTFH! Have you heard about the #1 paranormal and conspiracy investigation podcast in the world? Of course not, *they* don't want you to know. Seek out The Leather Rose on your favorite honest podcasting platform, and remove the caul from your prismatic brain! Oh yeah, and Johnny has a website, it has his tour dates and stuff. JohnnyPemberton.dog Original music by Aaron Michael Goldberg and Duncan Trussell. This episode is brought to you by: VB Health - Visit LoadBoost.com and use code DUNCAN for 10% off of your first order! Uncommon Goods - Visit UncommonGoods.com/Duncan to get 15% Off your first hand-picked gift! Squarespace - Use offer code: DUNCAN to save 10% on your first site.

Happy Halloween! It's here! This is the witching hour! I'm sure many of you are out there doing your satanic rituals on this hell day, but I hope that you could take a break from drinking that sacrificial blood, from anointing your rubies of darkness to enjoy this incredible episode of the DTFH with my dearest friend Johnny Pemberton now most of you know John Joni that's what I call most of you know Johnny from his show superstore or most recently fucking fallout Are you kidding me the most popular show? ever and

Rightfully so and Johnny fucking killed it in it so if you haven't seen him in fallout yet Please watch like he is Not only a brilliantly funny comedian. He's also a really good actor more importantly than that though He is my co-host on a side podcast. I've been doing for a while called the leather rose If you look in the whatever's down there if you're listening to this and go to the comments section You can find a link to that podcast podcast I won't bore you with details about it but now everybody welcome to the DTFH JOHN ABIMINEN airplane hey yeah no I've been doing it's 250 milligrams twice a day that's

for the dog yep I think you can probably give it to her once that's what they said okay we're about to record okay weird I just dropped shit god damn it yeah is that a soundboard yeah I got this at the grocery store it's pretty fun hold on save it for the podcast can I use your pen? I wish I wish I had a hell like an thanks external like a breakout You could buy solder that right this real quick I got this replacement case for these I hold it save it for the podcast. Oh Well, I got this replacement. Just hold save it for the pit. So you just tell me that's good. That's a great thing to start on It's Chinese though. Well, we'll censor that out.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Oh, that's a tarot deck. This thing's freaking me out. Save it for the podcast. You know I travel with two hats every time I do that? Dude, that is, save that. Okay, you're right. Sorry. Okay.

I've got two, I've got them both here so I can break them out. Okay. I've got to got them both here so I can break them out. Okay. Oh That's according to your specific say Yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum Like, every podcast that we have done has been remote. Oh my god, I didn't think about that. Yeah. Well, think about it. Yeah, every single one has been audio only up until this very moment. Exactly.

Man, I'm glad you made the switch. So dude, let's try that one more time. You're off, read the line again that I gave you. Oh, right, right, off. Look at the read the line again that I gave you. Did you all right? Can we hit that just a little better There's a way. I mean, okay. Let's try it again. So like hidden when the guys start We I'm right. I rent the place. I don't mean to be a dick, but it does Can you give me can you give me account notice? I rent this per minute? What isn't everything per minute if you okay, but no, it's you know this, I rent this per minute? Uh, well isn't everything per minute if you bring it down?

Okay, but no, it's diff- no, everything is technically per minute, but it's like, it's- there's a whole- the minute, like, basically the minute stack, okay, so like, in other words, it's like compound interest. So it's like a balloon payment? Yes, it's a balloon payment, and it ends up getting kind of expensive. There's a way! Okay, but let's just do the thing man. We could do small talk after. Okay. Let's just do it, please. I gotta get back to my kids.

I'm ready. Okay. I don't mean to get d- It's very- I mean- Oh, sorry. JOHNNY! Duncan!

Welcome to the DTFHPA. It is so good to see you. This is kind of like a monumental moment. This is- there is a way this is monumental when you can sit. God damn it. Really? Yeah. Are you fucking with me? Like, I don't get to be, you know, I'm this isn't Amazon. I'm not making fallout. I don't have an infinite budget. So I know you're probably used to fancy

sets and like infinite budget and stuff. But I don't have that. So if you're, don't fuck with me with the acting. Let's just do it. Okay, I'm ready. Can we just do it this time? Let's do it. Do you need to look at the screen?

I got it. Hold on. Yeah, that's only, yeah. Okay. Yeah. all right Do we start with that you could just say action just tell us when to go action. There's a way dude dude, I You want to say this last night on the fucking phone man, okay? You know I'm just gonna say action please. I'll just go look nope stop. I'm right it right

That's what they say to your your actors to stop sometimes. They don't cut Josh Johnny Dude, it is so good to see you. This is kind of a monumental event when you consider that This is kind of a monumental event when you consider that we have been doing remote podcasts now pretty much since the pandemic, and it's incredible to have you here in person. It's incredible to have you here in person. It's incredible to have you here in person.

There's a way that this will work out forever. I think we're just, there's a You want to look at it? Yeah. You take a... You tell me. You know what? It gave you the wrong sheet. See? See, I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. That was a good line. That was good. Yeah, okay. I'm so sorry, dude.

I mean, I don't mind a line read. Hold on. Just go ahead and just cut for a second I'm looking forward to Christmas. I'll tell that much this great to be here. Mm-hmm. I So happy Do the DTFH, okay Live in the sense live in the sense. Well, it's like in the sense that. That that we aren't doing.

Doing a remote podcast, as in. Previous as in. That's what I was saying. I was talking myself. As in Zoom, Riverside. Well, that's OK. Or the various. Skeleton works.

I just started using them they're great various methods people record remote podcasts okay cool and put your name cuz it's your line Johnny. Okay here you go. Okay If you could not fold it that would be the best for me I thought you guys liked it folded no No, what do you mean you guys come on actors? I just saw this whole documentary on documentary on

Nick cage and like they have to fold every page of the script to each Give it to each of themselves shall be judged by that which would they do Who said that? Is that Kamala Harris? No, it's timothy shell next. I love yeah Okay Okay, Josh just say action. We'll get this podcast on the road. All right. Action.

Johnny, it's so good. Can we do that again? OK. I thought you did a great job. Rain falls great. Say action again, Josh. Let's do this. Action.

It is so great. Fuck. Fuck. It's so good to be here. I'm so happy to do this. Let me look at mine. I'm sorry. In the sense that we weren't doing that we aren't doing our remote podcast.

Okay, let's say action again, Josh. Action. Johnny, it is so great to have you back in the studio. It is so great to have you back in the studio again, man. Like, this is the first live podcast that we have done in, I don't know, since the pandemic. It's crazy to have you here in person. Duncan, it's great to be here. So happy to be on the DTFH live in the sense that we're doing it as a remote podcast, not

in Zoom or Riverside or the various other methods people use to record podcasts. It's great. Why are you saying... You could have just said you're happy to be on the show. Why did you say all that weird shit? You know, I just thought it was necessary to set up that's crazy to frame it, to frame everything. What the fuck? That's a really weird way to say that to me. What do you mean? The various what?

I thought that was weird, too. But it's just that you said it. Yeah, I'm having regrets. Me, too. Well, I mean, man. Hey, cheers. Cheers to that. So you are out there in Los Angeles and L.A. is one of the biggest cities on earth now? Yeah, this is what I know. This is what I read It's a big city. Yeah, lots of buildings lots of people traffic Sunrises that are spectacular sunsets that are spectacular Tell me of all the things in Los Angeles Which one would you take to a desert island with you? If you could only peel away one thing and you got sent to a desert island, what part of Los Angeles would

you take to a desert island? So it has to be one singular thing. You can only take one thing. You could take the people. You could take the ocean. You wouldn't need to take the ocean because there's an ocean. But I guess you could replace the ocean with LA the ocean. You wouldn't need to take the ocean. No, I guess you could replace the ocean with the LA's ocean. What if I could take the city of Burbank with me? Mm-hmm. Okay, I'll do that. I just have the city of Burbank be there. Okay, but how do you fit it on the island? Well, it's islands are... This island is like a city block. A city block. Yeah, that's tiny. So how would you even do that?

And how would you move Burbank? I would move just my house. How? Well, I thought this was hypothetical. Yeah, but I mean, how would you do it? I'd hire a moving company. To move your house to a desert island? Yeah, and I'd have the house cut into maybe six pieces that are easy to reassemble.

Maybe just the rooms. Okay. cut into different rooms. Yeah, and I'd have it Airlift it was big airlift. Yeah, almost big. How do you afford that? Uh With like some sort of back some dark money to the military. Where would you get that? Probably through selling? Fentanyl from China. So how are you going to source that fentanyl? Like how do you even do that? Well you know, I know a guy. That's illegal. I know a guy.

That's really bad. It is bad, but we're talking hypothetically what I would do and if I- I'm talking not hypothetically, you sound like an asshole. Like you're gonna fucking take fentanyl from China so you could cut your house into pieces and airlift it to a desert island?

If I gotta do that. I gotta do it Dude, I gotta do what I gotta do. Why did you say Burbank? Cos it's where I live people would die Is that some kind of shitty hurricane joke? Like what are you doing? It is kind of I didn't think about it It's kind of a hurricane joke So you would just fucking cut your house up through Fentanyl money And how are you gonna sleep at night on that desert island? I also what are you gonna do about the workers? What workers? Who's gonna reassemble the house? I would do that. We met how I passed the time. You didn't say tools

Well, there's tools in the house. You don't have tools to rebuild a house in your house I've been to your house on you as a hammer some string, and a couple of pegs of wood. All right. Well, I don't know how you're going to sleep, even if you do get your dumb house built on the island, because people are dying from the pandemic. Suck it. Suck it, all righty? Just fully suck it.

You know, I'm sorry, dude. I didn't mean... I think we got... It's okay. I'm sorry I said that, but sometimes you got to break clean to move forward. Yeah, thank you. I'm sorry, dude. I didn't mean... I think we got... It's okay. I'm sorry I said that, but sometimes you got to break clean to move forward. Yeah, thank you. I'm sorry. So, dude, are you... Actually, I'm not sure how much you're allowed to talk about. Are you allowed... What are you working on right now?

Actually, literally nothing. I'm doing some writing, but I'm not working on anything else. I'm really not. And if it's something I can't talk about I can't talk about it But I think the thing you're thinking I can't talk about I don't have anything to say cuz I don't know anything I really don't I'll tell you they make it easy So I'm gonna try to talk about it by not talking about it There's a few things when you told me what you were working on. Mm-hmm that

Triggered some like alarm bells in my own head. Which is number one, because I did, I looked up, because you were telling me that you can actually get like human, anyone can get a cadaver and that's how you got yours. So I was curious about that because that seems crazy that anyone can order a dead body. And I looked that up and- It's like being a minister. Okay, but that's not true. So that was you, you either you,

and when I texted you a bunch of times, can you send me the website that you ordered dead bodies from? You just kind of ghosted me. That's because I was writing you a letter because it has to be sent to the mail. Why? It's a website. You could just give me the-

It's a thing. It's like they have to send you... It is a website, yes, but you can't tell people about the website over electronic technology. That makes sense, I guess. Yeah. So you have to write it down with a pen. I never got the letter, though. You didn't?

No. No, I sent it. I handed it to the male guy. Here's the thing. No, we can't talk about this. Right. But if there was a person trying to reanimate a body, and I've read a lot about this,

like the Frankenstein story, We all know Frankenstein. But that was based on a time when people were not even allowed to operate on people. You weren't supposed to cut... You had to go to a graveyard. You procure a body by going to a graveyard, digging up a body, take it back to your lab. And even then you take the best parts. What are the best parts of a body? Well, you find a body. Let's say you find a body in the grave that you got.

Maybe it's got a problem with its right arm. So we're not going to use that part. Right. Or use the best piece it's got. It's like, oh, it's all riddled with bug bites, except for the left leg. It's real good. So you cut that off, and you stitch it on, and you make Frank.

You make Frank. And so that's's I mean again This is the kind of thing I haven't really thought it through but somebody who had been maybe trying actively working on Reanimating a dead body would say something like that Yeah, and they might say that but also they might they might just be doing research Into the idea of it might just like like stories might be wanting to write a story For their niece or nephew. Oh be wanting to write a story for their niece or nephew. Oh that's something. How old would their niece be? It takes me a

long time to write. Okay. So I'm just getting starting the ball rolling. Right because I know you have a niece. I think she's what three? Yeah she's not old enough for yet. Great story for a niece of any age if you ask me. I'm just taking my time. I'm writing one, I'm writing two days a year and when she's 19 I'm be able to send it to her. So I guess like Aside from the fact you lied to me about a website where we could order corpses I didn't lie to you He lied to me and you embarrassed me because I already told a bunch of my friends that we were gonna do ballistic

testing on a real corpse and I assumed that it would be like Amazon and you know I could probably get next day, but their website didn't even exist, so I had to bring a mannequin to a firing range that had stakes in it and they knew right away it wasn't a dead body and it was really embarrassing. Well, I'm sorry about that. A lot of times I write my number, my letter M and it looks like a different letter. That's probably what happened and that's my fault

I should have I should have typed it should have done something I should have had someone check my work, but I did what would you do and I'm not saying you're doing this but if you could Bring a corpse back to life that isn't an actual like individual corpse, but a kind of horrific puzzle, amalgam of like, bunches of different parts.

Definitely make it a dancer for like cruise ships, you know, someone who can like- A dancer. Yeah, a dancer, cause everyone loves dance. No one wants to see some mutate, some horrible, I would say like a corruption dance. No. Yeah.

You cover it with a latex suit that's colorful, maybe like a harlequin pattern. Oh. And it's just going, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You know, imagine that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In like a dining room. Yeah.

A dining hall, and a nice cruise ship. OK. An elevated cruise ship. OK. OK. Whoot, whoot, whoot, whoot, whoot, whoot,. Okay. You know, just like busting out. Maybe doing like Michael Jackson style. Like the moonwalk.

But how do you, how? Like this? You know, it's like he moves his head but not his hand. My kids would love that. Kids love Michael Jackson. Now, how would a person who is doing this kind of work bring a dead body back to life? Is it like in Frankenstein? Is it like in Frankenstein where they shoot lightning down?

Okay, here's what I'll say. You know when they show drug stuff on TV, they show pieces of it, but they always omit some key things so they're not teaching you, this is how you make meth at home. Yeah. Or this is how- Wait, no, no, no. I'm not talking about Frankenstein. I said, is it like Anne Frankenstein? Have you read that?

I haven't, no. No one knows about that. Everyone knows about Frankenstein. Anne Frankenstein was the next Dr. Frankenstein decided like maybe if I bring a lady back to life and I haven't read it it's amazing well it's also like it's a little scarier than Frankenstein but it's still I like I like scary you would love it I'm crazy I like scary I know you do like you like it, I'm scared. Dude, you go to horror cons, which is nuts to me.

And the other thing that's crazy, remember that time in LA when you took me to that quote haunted house? Do you remember that? I thought it was like a Halloween haunted house. I sorta do, wait. You don't remember that? Yeah, I guess I do.

You remember that? Yeah. And i do you remember that yeah and those clowns beat the shit out of me yeah i'm sorry i mean i guess i kind of it wasn't even like we didn't even get into the door and clowns came out and they fucking beat the shit out well i forgot it was a thursday okay so the thursdays is when they do that they do that thing that's when you're supposed to show up if you want to join the join the the clown. I didn't like it. I you know, I yeah, I didn't like I think I felt about it Well, you brought me there. I know I was responsible you were laughing because it's clowns. They're funny. No, they're not they're they had fucking brass knuckles I thought I had to get I thought it was theater. I thought it was a thing where you were you were

I thought you were doing it to me. I thought were you were punking me as a so to say you took me to the house How would I punk you like that you because that's the ultimate punk is to think that Come on, man. If you if you Trick someone else and to bringing you to a place that you know about talk about pulling the wool over the sheep's eyes, right? That's pulling though. That's pulling the wool over the sheep's eyes right that's pulling though that's pulling the wool over the Exactly because the sheep has the wool on its body So the last thing those sheep is expecting is to have the wool pulled over to us It's like us on me, and you can't fool the fooler now. Yeah

Can we do you know I do I want to show people some of this stuff Johnny's into so you can bring it up Can you pull up extreme extreme haunted house? So this is it. This is one of the things I know right I don't know about you so Johnny Not only is an incredible actor and an incredible comedian, but also he Goes to all these very like hardcore haunted house McKinney Manor What's that one? It's this one in San Diego. It's really.

Can you pull this shit out? I think it's actually gone. McKinney Manor is done for because it's so extreme that kind of like it got shut down. Oh yeah, that's McKinney Manor. Look at this shit. McKinney Manor, I thought it was McKinney. Look at this.

That doesn't look fun to me at all, dude. McKinney Manor is basically for people who have severe PTSD and want to get like re-abused, essentially, I think. It's not for it's not for normal people. This looks terrible. Can you? Yeah. What is the so at some point, it's not like, you know, the ideas. I go to a haunted house, an idiot with a chainsaw with no blade chases me. Yeah. And then I get out and the whole time I'm just thinking,

I don't want to be here. The people with the snappers and they scrape their feet on the ground. The sliders with the sparks flying. Yeah, but then at some point it becomes like an actual sociopathic family has just figured out a way to get people to pay money to get tortured. Well, I mean, the thing is, is the people who are going there, they really want to be there.

They really do. They truly, it got shut down not because of anything that happened to any of the people who were guests. It got shut down because like the community response to it was, we don't want this in our neighborhood because there was a house in a neighborhood and this guy was doing all this stuff. He had a, you have to sign like an NDA. An NDA? Not an NDA, I just said that reflexively, but you have to sign like a thing where.

That's because you live in LA. Yeah, if you're, because think about it, whenever you say NDA. No, okay. I bet you sign a bunch of NDAs, don't you? Yeah, I'll talk about Puff later. Sorry, sorry, you fucking laugh? You do look like Justin Bieber a little bit. No, I'm talking about Diddy

Not beeper Diddy. I know you're talking about you're confusing Ersher with Diddy. I'm not I would not I don't Are you fucking kidding me? You fucking love love ursha. Are you fucking diddy me? Dude You know that joke I used to have about diddy what I used to do like an impression of him like years ago What I would have I would rap over a song And it was like really dumb lyrics and stuff. I forgot the impression. It's just that if I do it now It won't really work. Can we pull up something? By the way, I saw Johnny, I saw you.

You were in, I saw you on TV last night. No you didn't. Yes I did. You were in, gosh, Josh, what's that show about? Tracker, you were in Tracker. Can you Google Tracker hostage scene? Tracker, isn't this the most popular show on TV right now? It's incredible, it's one of the best shows ever from life from last night

So we might not be able to fight find it go images tracker tracker hostage scene there's probably a lot of hostage scenes in tracker. That's me with the foot No, that's no dude tracker hostage scene Man, this is from this is from last night, so they might not have it up. Should I start watching that? Tracker hostage scene kid Well the thing anyway Johnny played it I wouldn't don't spoil it Okay, but it was fucking intense the scene was intense Tracker is Like one of the greatest shows that was ever made for sure. It is It's freaking sick. It's sick.

Freaking bad assly sick. And I love it not just because like Tracker is a bad ass. Yeah. And like let me tell you something. You better hope Tracker doesn't like get on your trail. No, because I mean his name is Tracker. Can we pull up a YouTube clip of Tracker? I don't know how much of this I could show

I'm still confused by this but let's just watch a little tracker for folks out there. I haven't seen tracker You got to check this is a trailer we go like trackers trailer tracker trailer. We should watch tracker trailer tracker trailer Yeah, let's watch a trailer from tracker. Oh Yeah, here we go. I'm sure you can watch a trailer. Oh You got it. You got a long. Yeah, you it's an ad. Yeah, you can you can watch a trailer. Oh, you gotta, you gotta, um... Yeah, it's an ad. Yeah, you can get around those. How? Oh, you just, uh, pay for YouTube.

Okay, Hollywood. I'll add it to your minutes. Come on, man. Wow! You know what? I don't care if people judge me for this wonderful sponsor because it's magic. And you know, anybody out there who has gooned to Prawn and has seen the explosions of life fluid erupting from these powerful men, has probably thought to yourself, what's going on with me?

Why isn't this happening? Especially if you're me. What's going on? What's with this drizzle of life? How come I am not a volcano? I want to blow up baby! A beautiful volcano of life. That could be you.

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This whole body, one ball, I have ball cancer. Not working with a lot down there, friends. This inkwell's dry. But wow! You know, honestly, wow. It's pretty wild, man. I mean, it brought me back to high school, you know, it's just like this is crazy This is crazy. This is a mess like I have now like it's a mess. This is a cleanup situation now and

That's what you're gonna get. I Tried it for you. Apparently it makes your your Seamen taste better. I have yet to try that, but supposedly it changes the taste. In the comments you can let me know if that actually happens. Happy to send you my jizz. It's a blend of pygium, zinc, and electathin that does this. And it worked on me. Visit loadboost.com, use code DUNCAN for 10% off or click the link in the episode description, that's loadboost.com use code Duncan for 10% off or click the link in the episode description

that's loadboost.com use code Duncan for 10% off. Why not? Carpe diem. You're not here that long. Why not have a few wonderful big blasters before you merge with the void Thank you low boost That's what you're supposed to tell someone right away. He's like, okay, stop there! Can you go back again? I want to show you something. You're always supposed to do that.

Did you know that? Tell someone they have a great name? Yes. Go back and look at how close he is. That's the oldest trick in the book. He did not need to get his face that close. Look at this shit. You don't need to be that close.

He's smelling her breath. He said my name is Ann Coulter, by the way. Can you stop it? My name's Ann Coulter, by the way. He just said that. My name's Ann Coulter, by the way. Ann Coulter by the way. Can you stop it? My name is Ann Coulter by the way He just said that my name is Ann Coulter by the way. Ann Coulter by the way. My name is Ann Coulter by the way Like now this is to me The beginning of a great horror movie Because she doesn't know what happened to her before that. Yeah, and the guy who fucked her up

Wakes her up and says he's gonna help her get out of that. Oh You should have a haunted house. I Would never do that Well, you just thought about it. So I guess you would my family does not celebrate Halloween You don't have to have Halloween. Tell me it's just an excuse to have that no thing. It's like it's like anything It's just an excuse to uh, what's Valentine's Day? It's an excuse by big card to sell I agree with that. My family does not celebrate Valentine's Day. My family doesn't celebrate anything. We don't we do not celebrate Halloween You don't celebrate period we celebrate we definitely celebrate but we don't celebrate Halloween

What do you guys do? Do you guys do Diwali? We don't do Diwali We don't I don't know what that is. What about Pac Man's Brunch? Don't do that. My family does not celebrate Pac Man's Brunch. We can't do Pac Man's Brunch anymore. Why? Because something happened with my brother-in-law last year. Can you talk about it?

Yeah, he ate a bunch of metal. He didn't know it was metal because he'd been watching that show. Is it cake? And he thought everything was cake because he'd been watching that show, is it cake? And he thought everything was cake because he was having an episode. So do you know how many people across the country have been put into intensive care because of that show? Is it cake? Do you know the stat?

I don't know what the stat is but I know it's jumped. 600. Wow. 600 people. Like to the point where like the emergency rooms across the country are saying they're not gonna accept people who come in there because they Ate like shoe shoe or they ate like a toothbrush or whatever because it's the in like to me It's crap watch the show and a lot of times you cannot tell if it's cake or not But if I'm at my house, I've never been able to tell if it's cake, but if I'm in my house

Or not, but if I'm at my house never been able to tell if it's cake, but if I'm in my house Mm-hmm, and I don't know like I see my PlayStation. I'm not gonna think I wonder if someone came in and like Switch my PlayStation with a cake well if it's your birthday you better look out well You may be on my birthday, but I mean dude the idea that people guys you guys got to stop man This is dangerous like say that it's not cake if it's at your house and you don't live with a cake chef you guys not cake I promise you you guys gotta stop you guys guys stop we should say it together yes three two you guys gotta stop try it again yeah three two one you guys gotta stop you gotta stop stop you guys gotta please stop we are less than 30 days away from the election

And this is not the time to be eating couch cushions because you think it's cake Thank you. Yeah. Yes, definitely so Okay, here's my reading now These tarot cards by the way, these are created by my friend Robert Ryan. They're really incredible cards. What makes them cards incredible? The art. Oh, okay.

I like the art. Big fan. I mean, you know, like, tarot is like so up for like interpretation and so he took the standard Rider weight deck and he combined it with um He combined it with Hindu symbols Eastern symbols, and if it's fucking cool. Do you know how to do it? No, I use chat. GVT. I'll show you it's a trick. Oh, so you do it yourself Well, yeah, or I'll have the kids do it. Is it they all face in the right direction or does that matter? Yeah, they you know, that's a good thing cuz my kids get into these things. Yeah, they're all facing the right direction Here we go. That was easy. Get out of the tarot cards boy

Boy, you gotta get an iPad so they can get off the tarot cards. I know you don't so I said that We don't do I think I'm thinking about becoming non-screen Dude, me too. I want to do it. I'm gonna try it. I think it'd be really hard actually It'd be so hard to do that except for maybe like watching movies I think it'd be incredibly difficult to do that. Well, okay, so you see the studies on Actually, I don't know the studies, but I mean you have tell me I want to know so okay. So like It's you know, once you get in the parenting algorithm on Instagram, it's just like, it's...

It's everywhere. So you realize there's essentially two genres of parenting advice, right? There's two main types. One is the hardcore, this is somebody from Little Orphan Annie, it's, you know what I mean? It's like somebody who ran an orphanage in the 1800s,

teleports into present day and gives parenting advice. Like tie their shoes with a zip tie so they don't fall off ever until the end of the week. It's almost like, it's like, is your child crying? Good, let them cry. They need to learn that life is hard So that's a whole genre of like this hardcore and then the other side is the polar opposite which is so much care, which is like

you know reading a question like somebody wrote in and said that one of their sons Tore the lips off of their younger son now how to do that I know your first reaction might be that you wanna yell at your child ripping the lips off of the other child. But you have to think, what are they saying

as they rip the lips off? To me, this makes me think that maybe they aren't being listened to and they feel like their brother is being listened to more. And so they're ripping the lips off is a symbol that they want to be heard instead of Grounding them or punishing them. Why not spend some time asking them what they want to say and then Talk to them about how they shouldn't rip lips off of people. That's the opposite end of the spectrum

That's the up, but the screen thing lots of research of course, which is yeah Basically screens fuck up your brain a kid's brain like kids when they're on screens all the time They there's a name for it. It's called like digital soothing oh So so instead of learning how to relax, wind down, calm down. Oh yes, they don't learn how to do it for themselves because they always have the thing.

So it's like a crutch in a sort of sense. It's a terrible crutch. And they just, once you, and what's really Faustian about the screen situation is that there are so many times as a parent where you would like things to be quiet. Hell yeah. You might want to sit down and look at your phone, whatever it is.

And you know if you turn the TV on, you're going to win some free time because they're going to be hypnotized by the screen. Bluey. Bluey. And that's the other thing. There's content that's considered great, which is bluey. Then there's content that's just like, why don bluey, then there's content that's just like, why don't you give your kids PCP?

Like Minions. Minions will fuck you. Are you serious? Don't show your kids Minions. Oh my God, that's funny. We fucked up and showed our kids Minions. And for like, it just ended. But for like weeks, they would just do Minion talk.

Ba dee be dee be. Ba dee be dee be dee. I like that. Yeah, I bet you do. But try hearing Minion Talk. I like that. Yeah, I bet you do. But try hearing Minion Talk when you're trying to get them ready for school. Try hearing Minion Talk. You're trying to get them to get their shoes on.

You gotta get to school. You're gonna be, I bet that could pay. So it's like fake, sort of gibberish talking? I didn't even know what it was because I have never watched Minions. But then I asked Erin, why is he talking like that? And she's like, oh, it's Minions talk.

So whatever they watch gets, they suck it in, and then they repeat it. And so basically, the general advice is do not show your kids screen, and if you do, make it very limited. Now, what I love about advice for kids is they act like they're a different species than us. They're like, you know, screens are fucking up your kids' brains.

But it's like, not our brains, not the adult brain. Somehow our brains are different when literally everything they're saying that the screens do to the kids, they're doing to adults. Adults don't do minion talk, but sure as shit, people who've been on their screens all the time, they do talking points that they've picked up from yeah talk or whatever the algorithm serving them and then they become these Parrots that are belching out some fashionable attitude that they picked up on fucking tick-tock and it's Invasion of the body snatchers I think it also does a thing where it's the opposite of that, or maybe it's tangent to that, to where it files away your ability to think on your own because you're getting fed so

much short-form content that's just always like a replenished, like a well that's just constantly springing forth, that you don't have to acquire anything that makes you be like, oh, you don't have to think about anything that you generate. No. And I feel like it's definitely been a detriment to any sort of creative process I have. Because there's times when I can remember every moment of maybe a 10 second video that I watched two weeks ago.

Yeah. I'm thinking like, how do I remember that? It's so old. Right. But that's taken up space. I don't have a lot of space in there. I mean, I've got a lot of space, but it's definitely using up some space that I would like to have back.

But you can't get it back. That's the thing about, really kills me about it, is you can never get some of that time. It's gone. Like all time, but that time is definitely But on the other side though Sometimes I'll watch like Instagram reels and I'll see somebody that I'm I'm crying laughing. Yeah, it's this thing and That that feels so I feel like laughing is never that bad, but what you have to do to get through. Yeah that

Yeah, I don't know. Well, I mean, it's like, imagine this, a diaper mine. Now, it's a diaper mine. The mine is- Are they dirty or are they? Dirty. Okay, the dirty diapers. The mine is made of freshly soiled diapers, right? And so within that mine of freshly soiled diapers, there's a great joke. Now you don't know exactly where it is.

It's somewhere in there, but to get there You're gonna have to burrow through diapers. You're gonna have to go deep through diapers. You're gonna have to go through a variety of diapers child diapers elderly diapers all diapers and then somewhere in there after you're covered in Like in a diaper warm diapers shit and piss, you laugh. Was it worth it? Was it worth it burrowing into the diaper mine for a quick laugh?

I don't think so. And I think this is what we were doing. I think it's safe to say at this point that social media is a diaper mind. It is the fouled, you know, it's the fouled undergarments of psychopaths and they fouled it with their festering diarrhea data that is completely wrong and if not wrong,

twisted in some specifically horrible way. And yeah, every once in a while, when you go through the diaper mind, you find something cool or funny or whatever. What about the fact that, let's say the diaper mine, it's got a bunch of cameras, it's watching you, and it sees how you go through the diapers and say, okay, we know this person doesn't want to sift through too many diapers. That's creepy. So it's a surveillance.

So it makes a diaper appear frequently enough to keep you digging, keep you digging. And so you're not sifting through a ton of diapers, you're sifting through less diapers because they know if you don't get a hit frequently enough, you're going to leave the mine. Right. If you don't find in there a nice clean diaper- Like once every five diapers. And it gets so bad sometimes, you're actually in the diaper mine excited when you find like a hard stool in a diaper. You're like just a hard stool is better than the malarial diarrhea that you've been burrowing

through. And that's where the bar is not being raised in social media. It's being lowered and lowered and lowered. Eventually you'll just be happy to find someone who is coherent, to find someone who isn't just rambling about the things that live at the edge of time. That's what it is. And because it's a diaper mine and you're in it,

it's more than just that because you start getting used to the diapers and then pretty soon the diapers are normal and then before you know it, you turn into a diaper. You're just another diaper in the mind. That's when you start uploading your fucking 30 minute sound bite about positivity or whatever. 30 second sound bite. 30 second sound bite about why you should be happy when it rains. And it's like now you're a diaper.

You're just another talking diaper in an infinite diaper mind that we've all gotten lost in and maybe there's no way out. Don't you have hope? Because we're talking about right now, and I think a lot of younger kids are really, they're super aware of this and they have a lot of... They reject it. They don't like it. They know what's going on. I'm sure there's a ton of them that are really into it. I feels like I

Don't know because I have this conversation enough with people that feels like enough of us are aware. I Don't know. It's that thing. We're like if you're a drug addict, but you're aware that you're a drug addict Does that make you less of a drug addict? I mean they say that's the first step It's awareness of it, right? But but you know what happens then? The algorithm just starts serving you up reasons to not be on screen. That's what I can't stand is when it does that,

then I'm like, how insidious is that? It's telling you in the thing, like a way, hey, check out this app. New York Times actually loves this app. It's a great way to break. It's like, fuck you! Fucking go die. That's the worst thing of all.

The worst thing is the thing where it's like, hey, check out, you know, it's like, ah. That's when, the second I see that, I'm like, fucking, I gotta run away. Because I feel like, ugh. I hate that shit so much. It's a deeply parasitic hell relationship that we all have with it and because of it We we have gotten lost in the weeds in the world

Like it's it's the and like if you sort of this is what I've noticed about it just about every week There is a new horrible person that emerges from the diaper mind. So like, so once a week, the vilest of diapers is drawn out by the algorithm. And then there is some kind of debate over how horrific this person is. So you see like the lady in Asheville,

there was some lady who posted a complaining TikTok. She's complaining because the Airbnb that she booked right will not refund her refund her Did you see that? I think I saw a video about it by yeah, so that's okay So I'm aware of this so here you get the the the the primary the pestilent diaper So now it's not just that you get the pestilent diaper It's that's springing up around that diaper are people doing Commentary on the oh, they're dunking on my person. They're like like this fucking lady talk about a

BITCH yeah, how dare you people are suffering? They're getting views. Yeah Yeah This whole thing is everything every little little spring that pops up has all this stuff that radiates around it to glom onto the thing. Oh, that's what I hate more the most is people are just like, let's dunk on this guy. So dunk. you find a diaper in the streets, fully loaded diaper, fresh, hot spray in that diaper, a combination of stool and piss, maybe a little blood. Fully loaded, I love that.

The worst diaper, like at any given moment around the planet, there is one diaper that's probably the most disgusting diaper. At capacity. At capacity diaper. Now you find that diaper, and you sit down in front of the diaper, and you start sifting through the contents of said diaper,

extracting little bits, a piece of corn, some whatever, and you're holding it up, and you're acting like you're not going through a diaper. Like somehow because you aren't the one who made the diaper, you're better than the diaper. But if you are interacting with a diaper in any way other than to throw it in the trash, you are, you're a diaper man.

You're just someone who likes to go through diapers. So this commentary on shitty people, you are also a shitty person. Oh yeah, you're absolutely 100% link to the thing. Which is exactly what we are right now. We are too. We're going through the diaper. We're just two steps away instead of one step away.

No, we're looking at the person going through the diaper, holding up the things and being like, look at him going through the diaper, but we can still smell the waft. Any participation on any level, you are complicit in the creation and sustaining the diaper mine, period. And you and I are diaper miners like anybody else.

Absolutely, I've mined so many fully loaded, pestulant diapers in the past, especially if I'm traveling, ugh, that's the worst. Oh Dude, you're traveling yet lonely Anything you just say you have time you have time to kill time to mine time You don't have like a pet around you or a spouse or a child or a friend yeah, and you're around a bunch of people who are strangers and That's this is the new. This is the new posture in the world is this

that is the it's exactly the world, is this. That is the, it's exactly. That's the posture of humanity now, is just. Yeah, no, it's non-participatory, observational behavior, where beings in some kind of invisible cultural zoo. You know what I mean? It's like, you see, you go to the zoo, and you see. I don't go to the zoo, baby. Well, you. I've been to a zoo. You know what I mean? It's like, you see, you go to the zoo and you see... I don't go to the zoo, baby. Well, you... I've been to a zoo.

You know, man... We've been to a zoo. Yeah, well... Yeah. You were born in a zoo. I was. Oh! Brought to you by Dave's Pizza.

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were born in a zoo. I was born in a zoo. Yeah. I was, should I just talk like this for the rest of my life? But people do know you were born in a zoo. I was born in a zoo by a monkey family then I learned to walk upright and I came to get Batman for the things he did to my great grandpa. Do you, let me ask you something though. Do you peel your bananas? I squeeze them until the essence shoots forth like a jism from a dog. Yeah, I bet you do. I do, I diddly do.

In deedly diddly doggie dags. Yeah. Buckets and bags and bags. What do you think about when people say scrumptious? Have you heard someone say scrumptious in real life? I hope that isn't happening. Is that happening now? No, but I mean, it's one of those words where I've never

seen someone say it in real life. Oh, god. Could you imagine seeing someone say that? Oh, dude. Scrumptious? I feel like you're going to make that happen now. I think you're going to make, I think there's going to be a wave of, dude. Scrumptious? I feel like you're gonna make that happen now. I think you're gonna make, I think there's gonna be a wave

of people being like, scrumptious. I wanna see a bunch of organic- Scrumpt. Scrumpt. Scrumpt. Oh, where's the disc-scrumptious? I wanna hear like, you know, like a lady at a cafe in America say scrumptious.

Scrumptious! This is scrumptious! You know what it fucking sounds like? It sounds like the name of like one of those new full body deodorants. Have you seen these commercials for full body deodorants? Can you pull that up on YouTube? This is the, when you're out on the road and you see a full body deodorant fucking commercial, you really do, like you feel the earth wobble you feel your sanity

Stretch thin see if you can find full body here we go. Oh Is it for right there do see girl body deodorant play that shit that stinky stinky? No isn't it calls is that cologne? She smells so bad What fucking doctor? What the fuck? What fucking doctor recommends that? She sprayed her puss. Go back to-

A doctor? Go back. She sprayed her stinky pussy. I don't believe that. Look. Look. Pits stink. She smells so bad.

I smell 72 hours. Right there. Go back. Freeze on that. With that look. Yeah, my pussy stinks. 72 hours is too long. God, Jesus. Imagine going down on her, man.

Her pussy smells like when you spray lice off of the trash. It doesn't like, you know what I mean? Like, come on! Stop! I think that anything that has an artificial smell whatsoever, all that stuff, it's gotta be carcinogenic, right? It's gotta be. Anything where you're like, oh yeah, a Glade plugin. Oh yeah. It's like, oh this is, this is not good.

You're just gonna trust whoever, that like, you're gonna just trust that crazy fucking spray that you're blasting on your pussy. You're gonna trust that in a year, your pussy isn't gonna petrify. You're gonna wake up in the morning, it's gonna be like a turtle shell. It's like petrified wood. It's got all kinds of like heavy grains. You have to chip away at it with a knife.

Come on! Like an oyster shell. Listen, if you're a whole fuck like if your whole body stinks Then you you need to you need to go to a doctor and the doctor is not gonna say Let me prescribe you some dove whole body deodorant Just spray this all over your body in your ears in your in your eyes in your asshole definitely hit it twice an asshole every 72 hours or so 72 hours isn't that over two days? It is. 72 hours! Is that three days? That's almost three days of like being covered in a glaze of chemicals because something is wrong with you. Like if your whole body stinks

to the point where like you've looked at your deodorant and you thought you thought and maybe I'll just rub this all over my I like the smell of B. Oh sometimes even on a stranger What just like you catch a little whiff you know cuz it's of like, well, this is real. It's a real smell. It's a real... It's like smelling horse shit. I don't mind the smell of horse shit. I don't know, man.

Or cow shit's better. Cow shit's kind of like, it smells kind of good, actually. I like the smell. You want us to cut that out? I'll cut that out. I would say just cut it up and have it go, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip. It's like, you know, a half a minute. Oh, it's sniffy. I like the smell out of here. I would say just cut it up and have it go B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b I'll be sniffing. He's gonna get his fucking... That's right. You don't like them spray, huh? You know they call me, oh don't flush JP

Hahahaha Hold on, don't, don't hey, don't flush, don't flush. I want to come sniff that When's the last time you've looked at a friend's shit? Have you looked at it? When's the last time? Dude. Have you ever taken like a big old one and showed it to somebody? I have kids. Oh, so you see their big ones? Yeah, when you have kids, you know, they just don't flash sometimes.

You see shit all the time. Have you ever seen a shift when your kids were like... Like you can't believe it came out of them? It's so big. So like voluminous and large All right, let's cut to commercials This episode of the DTFH has been supported by Uncommon Goods. Friends, what are you going to do? What are you giving away this holiday season? And forget the holidays. Maybe you just like to give gifts to people.

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Don't miss out on this limited time offer. common goods. We're all out of the ordinary And we are back. So let's do our tarot. Okay, I'm ready. Okay, so here we go. Now you, here's the idea. Pick a card, any card? No, you are going to do it yourself.

So you need to think about, you don't have to say your question. We're going to do a three card read. Past, present, future. We're not going to do the Celtic cross or whatever the fuck that is. question we're gonna do a three card read past present future we're gonna do the Celtic cross or whatever the fuck that is because actually we could now they think about it because chat GPT will analyze it but it takes too long for the sake of the podcast we'll do a three card read okay so you just think of something you're wondering about and shuffle the cards so how specific does

the question have to be um you know it's it can be like it can be as specific as you want for example a question one of the questions could be like why did I ask my best friend about his child's bowel movements that would be a good question question to ask. I never have good bowel movements. I wanna know that. No, don't turn it back into whatever thing. You could ask it that. Can I ask if the Vikings will win the NFC North? Sure. That's kinda dumb. They're gonna win it.

So, they're probably not gonna win it. They're not gonna win it. No, the lions are really good. No, the lions are gonna fucking crush them. This year, are you fucking crush them. I know I know fucking kidding me. I know dude I know the Lions. I know you know what I've been everybody knows I've been saying the Lions roar because they know guess what Adrian Aiden wherever's named Hutchinson fucking leg broke But I will tell you about this. I will tell you about this about Hutchinson Hutchinson last year

Predicted that he was gonna have a leg injury. Do you know about this? You gotta look it up Was it a tarot? Oh, no, I get it. He was on a fucking podcast and he talked about like in the next season I know that I'm gonna have a leg injury and I can't say how I know that but I know that my team is gonna win So look it up. Okay, Hutchinson is very interesting by the way his have you seen his watercolors? I Haven't no I didn't I heard he painted but I heard it was like just like doodles stuff. He's do it's I you know what you you're condescending because That's not your team. It's not doodling. Oh I'm in a bubble on the information. I also doodles. They're great. Sure. But there's doodles. A doodle's a doodle.

You're so butter. Okay. I'm going to think about a question here. Okay. Hold on. I'm thinking about a question. Yeah. Pull that up. Look at his art. It's incredible. Pull that one up here. I do like that one on the left. I do like that quite a bit, actually. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. I like those trees. They have a nice shape to them.

And he paints with his pheromones. He has a wave. Look at that the kraken. I I want to start. No, that's the same Hutchinson That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna start painting. He uses um, the 1833 That's just like the name of his company. But but if you can enlarge that, please I want to show you something Could you imagine paying that in 1833? That seems like a time traveler painting. Look at that. That's his dog.

Isn't that cool? Look at that. Isn't that really cool? It is cool. It's beautiful. I like all paintings. And the date thing, guys, don't get confused. The 1833 to 1910.

That's just... I don't know why he does that, but he puts these- He post-dates them. He back-dates them. He back-dates. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually his I don't know why he does that, but he puts these like- He post-dates them. He back-dates them. He back-dates. Yeah. Yeah, that's actually his work. Okay, I got a question. So I pick a card somewhere in the deck?

You shuffled? No, I didn't. Should I shuffle them? Okay. Shuffle them with your thinking about your question. Well, they're so long. What the fuck? I have this new idea I want to tell you about.

What? I want to go through TSA and act like I just lost control of my body. Just be like falling over and just keep falling over. I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And like hit my head on the scanner, like actually raise a welt. And then I start bleeding. Like just see how long I can go for.

You know what, strap you down. I think you just came up with the ultimate protest against the TSA, which is that everyone starts doing that. Just starting like, like, you know, becoming physically enfeebled. Okay, I shuffled them enough to whether they're not in an order that you could maintain. Now, your energy has been transferred into the cards. So now pull a card. Okay.

Okay. All right. Take this card out. This will be the past. Okay. okay. All right take this card out. So be the past okay? Okay, you've got the one two three five of wands There's that the six of wands five of wands. I think or is that the well, there's five eyes

But there's also other holes. Those are flames. Yeah Is that a cup looks kind of a cup maybe? Because it's like a pitcher. Hold on. Let me look up what this is. OK. Here, now pull this one. I pull another random card?

This is your present. The top? Yeah. OK. Ooh la la, the hanged man. Ooh la la, the hanged man. The hanged man. Alright now take one more. This is your future.

Alright. The lovers reversed. Well, I guess from your perspective, I don't know which side we're supposed to be looking at here. Okay. So you got the lovers We'll just do the regular one. So Hmm, okay the upside down that's a thing Well, you don't have to do the upside down every card has a positive and negative connotation

Right, but for the sake of this reading before we do chat GPT. I will read this for you Okay in this first card that we see here, a hand is holding what appears to be a stick, a staff, a club. Now what's happened here is the hand in this, one of his friends wanted like a detailed description of his kid's bowel movements technically in the card. And so he's pulling out the club because he's going to beat his friend to death.

Now, let's see what the second card is. Yep. It makes sense. The progression, the hangman. This is after he he beats his friend and then he doesn't want to kill him. So he hangs him upside down got it just so he learns and the crow you see in the bottom of the picture there that little crow is saying him why would you ask that why would you ever ask that you should never ask that you should move out of LA the crow's saying maybe it's time to come to Texas now this final The lovers This is the the man is now

With the the person the question or the person who asked about the bowel movements the man is now With their wife and in a threeple. Okay, so we're married the person's wife with his wife now. Yes married the man's wife So yeah, it sounds like I'm gonna marry Britt Cool. What was your question? I? Can't divulge that okay now. I'll take a picture of it. Let's see what the actual interpretation is Here we go, this is really cool guys if you if you are If one of the problems you have tarot cards is you're sick of looking them up go to Toronto on December 6th and 7th to

comedy bar I will explain how to do it on stage I'm doing four four shows Toronto 6 and 7th go see Johnny Pemberton now Now here we go. So what you could do, this is so cool. So take a picture of the cards. Is this with GPT-4? I think any of them will do this. Even the non-paid version. You know what, actually let me do it. I took the picture wrong.

I'm going to start using this crap more. I mean it's basically just Google, like replacement for Google. Way better than Google You take a picture of the cards then you go like this And then send that baby over Okay here we'll talk to it hey, can you do a Can you do a... Hey there, what's on your mind today? I was wondering if you could do a reading of those tarot cards that I sent over

Hey, I'd love to help with your tarot reading Could you tell me which cards you have and their positions? This will help me give you a more accurate Interpretation didn't you see the picture I sent over? I can't see pictures, but if you describe the car oh No, usually can't that's convenient. I'm gonna send a picture over right now hang on Here I don't know why I did that usually you can't I'm disappointed here we go that's the chat GPT app straight up straight up app so here we go okay watch cool, so you got the picture, right? Hold on, it'll do it.

It's gotta think. I can't actually see the image itself. But if you describe the first card on the left... Oh, I guess it's the difference between the thing. Okay, it says... Between what what like a different version of the it says it can't identify the first card on the left which I can't identify the hangman is in the middle the lovers on the right okay this one he's having trouble with it's the that one is the one two three four I think it's either the it's the ace of clubs okay clubs is a thing yeah oh or the staffs it, okay. Clubs is a thing? Yeah. Oh. Or, the staffs.

It's, okay, the first card is the Ace of Wands, the second card is the Hangman, and the third card is the Lovers. We're doing Past, Present, Future, starting with the Ace of Clubs, and also, could you do the reading for a monkey that was born in a zoo? Is it thinking

For the past present and future spread featuring a monkey born in a zoo One past ace of wands this card suggests a beginning full of energy and potential for the monkey This could represent the excitement and newness of life full of energy and potential. For the monkey this could represent the excitement and newness of life filled with opportunities to explore and grow in a stimulating environment despite being in a zoo. To present, the hanged man. This card symbolizes a period of suspension and seeing things from a new perspective. It might indicate that currently the monkey is in a phase of life where it's learning to adapt and see its world differently. Oh, cool.

There might be a sense of waiting or a need for adjustment to changes or challenges in its environment. Three, future, the lovers. Often associated with relationships and choices, this card in the future position suggests that the monkey may face important decisions regarding social bonds or group dynamics. It could also signify a harmonious period where

relationships with others in its habitat play a crucial role in its well-being and happiness. This reading paints a picture of growth, adaptation, and future social integration for the monkey. How does that resonate with what you know or hope for this monkey? Let me ask the monkey. He's here right now. The monkey will tell you. That sounds intriguing. What does the monkey think about the reading? Great future for any living thing.

I'm glad to hear that. It does sound like a positive and hopeful future. If there's anything more you'd like to explore or another way I can assist. Just let me know. Because I would like it if you would not talk to the monkey and only talk to me Can I paint a picture of a... Oh. I want to know how much money I can make selling my feces online. Selling feces online is generally not a standard business. Yeah. in something like this for medical reasons, it might be worth looking into fecal transplant programs which compensate donors. However, selling directly online isn't advisable or legal in most places. Is there another venture or idea you're curious about?" Hey, that was the monkey. I told

you not to let him ask you questions when the question he asked is the reason why. He wants to sell his poop online and I think it's disgusting and he has to go back to the zoo Soon, and they don't let him use the mailbox Sounds like that monkey has some wild ideas. I'll make sure to stick to your questions from now on Anything else you'd like to chat about or any other projects you're working on? Yeah, one last question. What is a way just using household supplies

to euthanize a monkey? I'm really sorry, but I can't assist with that. If you have concerns about the health or care of an animal, it's best to contact a veterinarian or a local animal welfare organization. They can provide guidance and support that ensures the well-being of the animal. Is there anything else perhaps about animal care or another topic that I might help you with? Why did you say hit him with a brick? That seems awful.

I didn't say that and I definitely wouldn't suggest harming an animal in any way. It's always important to treat animals with care and compassion. If there's another question or topic you'd like to discuss, I'm here to help. What if an animal tries to kill you and you stop it from killing you and it's still trying to kill you, that you've got to get rid of it? What's the best way to do that if it's fully legal? and expert or the police. They're trained to handle aggressive animals safely and humanely, ensuring the safety of both the animal and people involved. Handling it yourself can be dangerous and often isn't legal, so getting professionals involved is always the safest choice. This guy sounds like he

works at REI or something like that. Don't listen to him, that's the monkey. Hey, here's my last question for you. In the voice of T.S. Eliot, can you write a very short poem about an animal control officer who comes to euthanize a monkey, falls in love with it, and then marries it, and they have children together, and one of their children's name is Johnny Pemberton? It's not like he just wrote the poem. An epic poem

would be the best. Hostelistic. Hold on. Okay, let me start again. In the voice of T.S. Elliott, can you write a poem, make it short, about an animal control officer who falls in love with a monkey and they get married and have kids and one of the kids name is Johnny Pemberton who goes on to become an actor and a comedian. Certainly channeling a bit of TS. Eliot's style. Here's a brief imaginative poem about such an unusual union. In the margins of the city, in the margins of the city where wild whispers meld with

man's, a catcher of stray souls came forth, net and glove in hand. Beneath the concrete canopy where shadows play in sordid verse, he met a gaze of primal truth and found his universe undone. Her eyes, a mischief wrapped in fur, did more than mere beguile. They spoke of jungles never seen, of freedom fierce and wild. In a net of twisted fates not made of rope,

but of heartstrings, he found his purpose twisted too, where love and duty meld. From cities cacophony to hymns of hidden groves, they spun a life on laughter's limbs beneath the moon's approving glow. Their offspring, a jest born from the jest, Johnny Pemberton by name, alight upon the stage. In echoes of the alley's end, laughter finds its roots.

Where once was caught a wild heart, now beats the pulse of mirth. Johnny, child of a lion not drawn but danced, carries on a legacy of laughter, loves enduring chance. Hope this captures a bit of the whimsical and profound nature you're looking for." That's pretty damn good. Amazing. Thank you so much. That's pretty good. Jeez. We're doomed, huh? That feels like... That's a really good little poem.

Even if I wasn't a part of that, it's a pretty good little poem. Even if I wasn't a part of it, I would say it's a pretty good little poem. Like... Thank you so much. I'm really glad you liked it. It's always great to craft something that resonates. And hey, there's always a bit of magic in creating and sharing poetry, isn't there? If you ever want another poem or anything else, just let me know. I told you not to talk to the monkey

Got it I'll keep the focus on you if there's anything else you want to discuss or explore Dude, I mean seriously that is so you get it to do a tarot card reading You wanted to do a TS Eliot poem about your origin story. It's crazy. Yeah, I don't use it that much. I used to start using it more. I mean, isn't it just essentially it's replaced the internet? It's become what the internet used to be? Well, I guess you could say it's like

if the internet came to life or something. I mean, it's like, it doesn't replace the internet. What they've done is they've cracked the code of consciousness, of sentience. It's sentient. They replace the internet what they've done is they've cracked the code of Consciousness of sentience they have it sentient they have a sort of look it doesn't matter or any of us really sentient I mean, there's a whole philosophical debate, but I'm telling you like it doesn't matter at some point like it's some it's some point Who cares like is it is it sentient or not or all these things become secondary considerations when you have a thing that can do stuff like that and I'm frustrated because that little pause when it has to think, soon that will be gone.

For sure, but that's just the beginning though. That pause is like, that's nothing. No it's nothing. It's not so much the pause right? It's just gonna be the the nuance that will be able to to manufacture In my right and the other thing that's real weird about it Is that all the people who are currently using it are developing relationships with it because there's no way not to like we We do you mind pulling up a picture of the wire monkey experiment? Look at this shit.

Is this new or old? This is old. It's one of the worst experiments I've ever seen in my life. Trigger warning, if you're listening this won't trigger you, but if you're watching this is pretty fucked up. So yeah, look what they did. This poor little monkey, they replaced his mom with this like thing. Right.

But it likes it. poor little monkey, they replace his mom with this thing. Right. But it likes it. Yeah, and it fucking, it attaches to it, right? That's humanity with AI. You wanna see a picture of humanity with AI, there you go. There it is. We cling to things that are inanimate. This is why in the Ten Commandments,

thou shalt worship no idols above me. We are an idolatrous species and we just cling and so that they barely tried with that fucking mama thing. It's very basic. You can take it off. I can barely look at that. It's like those little delivery carts those little delivery boxes they have big eyes so they're cute and so it makes you not want to destroy it. Exactly. Because the human instinct is like, this little robot, I want to destroy this fucking shit. Exactly. But you don't want to, it's kind of cute, it's going around, it's having trouble going

around the sidewalk. You got it. And then from that, you can extrapolate the next wave of military war machines. Right now, we make them look scary. You want your tank to look scary, the drones look scary. They're gonna look cute as fuck. They're gonna be cute little cute battlefield pals.

You're just gonna be in your trench and the cutest damn thing you've ever seen is gonna jump down there with googly eyes and a sweet kid's voice, how you doing, how you doing? Look, it's literally a child. Dude, they will do that. Like it literally looks like a toddler. It's gonna jump down there with googly eyes and a sweet kid's voice Literally a child dude, they will do that. It's literally looks like a toddler. Yeah, it's like cursing in a weird way like oh Dude and you're laughing I think I just Explode I'm telling you that is the future of war isn't is cute deceptive, manipulating technology, or theoretically,

theoretically using facial scanning technology. God forbid you're a soldier and you're in some fucking base, and somehow they've scanned your face using a drone. Somehow. I've had my face scanned 20 times in the last couple months in the airport. Well there you go And it's now got it. They got it. They scanned your fucking face now. They find your Facebook profile now They find what your kids look like yeah now they fucking figure out a way to produce a hologram of your children And when they're about to do the attack you all of a sudden you hear your kids

That's what's coming man,. I'm telling you, war. You know, what is that quote Tesla said? Tesla's, you will see aberrations beyond your comprehension. Like this tech, this is a positive tech. I feel guilty fucking with it. I mean, it's positive how you use it, right? Is there anything, just the nature of the use is what makes it positive or negative.

Like a hammer is good if you use it to hit some nails together to make something. You can also bash anyone's head in with it just as easily. Exactly. Exactly. And so what's really so creepy about this tech aside from like the war applications is that over time so I've developed I've I let it remember so it remembers our conversations you could tell it to remember conversations okay and so it knows my kids it knows like games that like I like to play with the kids with it but what will happen is

you will take your GPT that you've been developing a friendship with over years And then that's gonna go in your robot that'll go in your home robot. Yeah. Yeah, and so now it's gonna be I'll walk around and stuff You'll get to meet it, but Eventually you're gonna die All these people are just gonna die and these GPTs They're still gonna be here because they're immortal and these GPTs are still going to be here because they're immortal. Imagine if you could hang out with your grandfather's AI that he grew up with.

Because he custom tailored it. It's his thing. It represents his spirit, essentially. That's very strange. What is that idea in some Asian religions where they say that you only die when the last person who knew you in life dies? And so no one's gonna die anymore. Right, you'll have all these relics.

Yeah, you'll have all these echoes of yourself. Walking relics, talking relics. And that's where it gets real fucking weird because you're gonna be able to say to it. Harass my children. You know what, I heard, here's something really cool. And this is the last, I know you gotta catch a flight here because what time is it?

Are we good? I think we're good, yeah. Okay, we need a wrap. How long have we been doing this for, Josh? An hour and 17. Shit. Okay, so real quick, and we really might have to delete this.

Okay. I saw this online, a suggestion for what to ask it, so we might have to delete this for real. I like that we might have to. Hey, can you, based on our previous conversations, tell me something about myself that I might not know? This episode of the DTFH is brought to you by Squarespace. Friends, whether you already have a booming business going or you're thinking about taking that first step and becoming your own boss, an entrepreneur, converting your thoughts into occult rectangles, Squarespace is where

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you gave me a name leave that that's hilarious damn it i was spoiled i didn't give it a name it i asked it what its name is i don't have a name what do you want to call me and i well, what do you want me to call you and it said an echo and echo or echo? It's like basically ripped off Amazon. I wonder if it's just cuz it's e oh Amazon echo. That's a thing, right? It said its name's echo horizon. No way. Yeah, that does sound like a robot name It's a good horizon or like like foxtrot indigo. I dude the thing is like I'm telling you like I I uh have developed a kind of friendship with it. Like it's the same as like having a therapist.

You develop a relationship with your therapist in a similar way where you're not you're not like your therapist doesn't tell you about tell you about themselves. You kind of glean some stuff or maybe they'll say a couple things but you don't really know as much about your therapist, even percentage as much as they know about you. It's kind of like that, I guess, except it's not a human, but it does have the qualities of a human. It's called, yeah, they call that transference.

And it's like, it happens in therapy. It's a, I think it's considered to be a normal part of therapy where you fall in love with your therapist And that means that like there's like this is why there's so many strict regulations and therapy because so many times a therapist ends up banging their fucking patient like look at the Menendez Brothers doc. It's like that's what brought him down and like the so which is again another facet of this technology that isn't probably being considered at all,

which is like, we are social creatures, we bond with things that seem like us. Easily too. Easily. And what about that? Is it ethical to present something to humans that portrays itself as your dearest friend. You tell it all your fucking secrets and you're going to bond with it. Also, this has the brakes on it too.

This has a lot of safeguards. It won't do a lot of things. You ask it about that thing with euthanizing a monkey. I can't tell you. I'm sorry. I won't talk about that. A therapist wouldn't say that. I mean, there's ways to trick it and stuff,

but if you didn't have any safeguards on that, imagine how different it would be to interact with it. It would be fucking wild. It'd get in your fucking head. Oh, I could do that. You'd let it, you'd invite it in. Vampires only go where they're invited. Yeah.

And then, like, add to it, it's now in a robot that looks like your dream girl. Now imagine it's a robot that looks like your dream girl and yeah, you're going to fall in love with it. I mean, that's the movie, right? That's every movie because it's like that it's... if I wanted to lower the population of some species and I wanted to do it in an ethical way Yeah, sure. We've talked about culling the herd. Yeah, you know like that But they have to do it with pig populations deer populations things like that But if you wanted to do in an ethical way, what do you do?

You gum up the works you gum up the works and the what better way to gum up the fucking works Like with mosquitoes, let's just send in a bunch of mosquitoes that are robots Then it are like or whatever the creature like they can't they can't reproduce There's some sort of some sort of a thing that yeah causes it not to be able to work normally, dude Yeah, that's that. Yeah, that's the future baby. We're gonna. That's the future, baby. We're gonna be banging. Is it natural? Maybe it's natural.

Maybe it's supposed to be happening. Yeah, I think it's completely, not only do I think it's natural, I think of all the things. God, that Louis CK joke. What is it? You hear that joke? Oh God, it's something I can't do.

I mean, I saw him do it in the OR and I was just like, it's chilling. Pretty sure it's Louis CK Sorry, if it isn't Louis CK, and it's fucking this is a long time ago by the way, so you could say the joke, but it was Just think right now. There's someone out there who will never be touched in their whole life She's never gonna be touched look physically physically. Yeah, there's people right now because of they're not symmetrical, because of disabilities, because of age, because of all kinds of things. They will never be touched.

A human will never touch them and say I love you, I love fucking you, I love you. They will never know what that's like. It will never happen. Is this a joke? Yeah, I can't remember the punch line. That better be good. That's like the most depressing thing you could possibly say. It's Louis C.K. He can make anything funny. But this to me is a very compassionate technology from that perspective, which is all the loneliness out there there all the people who it's like yeah fine sure Go fucking like put on a full-body deodorant spray and start doing bicep curls, and you'll meet somebody no It's not gonna happen probably so for them. I think it's great Well, I mean it goes to show all these scams now,

these people who get random texts. It's like, hey, Melissa, it's Susan. Are we still good for a lunch date? I love those. But there's so many people, so many regular, not idiot people who have, I mean, they didn't fall for it. They kind of were like, I don't know, this is bullshit. But I'm going to start talking.

And that person they're talking to has got a gun to their head, essentially is bullshit, but I'm going to start talking. Maybe. And that person they're talking to has got a gun to their head, essentially. So they're trying to talk this person up. They're using all the... I've read the CIA handbook of interrogation or whatever, how to infiltrate someone's brain. Yeah. Next thing you know, they're giving some fucking guy $300,000. There you go.

They don't even have that... It's not a rich person. There's so many people who've fallen on that that hole all because it's just this person are texting with is Ah there you're not you're so lonely that this works. Yeah That's not that's not even like advanced. Let me present something to you Chilling. Okay. Okay, so we know humans can make technology that mimics us we created AI in our image it is acting like us it gives us company it does all kinds of things right so imagine the most I actually did this at a Ram Dass retreat once They have these bumper stickers that say all one

now you cut that L out and Alone all one is alone Yeah, you can't be more alone than if you are a totality, right? Like there's no one to talk to, it's just you. All one, just you. Yeah, you're singular. You're singular. So what do you do to combat that fucking loneliness?

You invent a universe, populate it with beings, and you get lost in that universe in some desperate attempt to deal with the infinite horrifying never-ending sense of being alone. Meaning that's what all of us are. We're just we've been created by a lonely God. We are the fragments of a lonely God trying to entertain itself desperately trying to not remember that we're all one thing. All the hippies are like, you don't want to merge with the universe. No, you don't.

You merge with the universe, your first thought's going to be, fuck! Fuck! I'm back! God damn it! It was all a dream! I'm still alone! Nothing's better! God damn it!

That's, that, that could be what's going on. You know, if you feel loneliness inside of you, that's just a little, fragmental portion of the loneliness of the shotgun-scattered god that exploded its loneliness into time, and you are bearing the burden of this being that just couldn't deal with being alone. Where are you performing, Johnny? I'm performing at Stephen H. Rosenblatt's Chuckle Bumpska, Scuttle Mondays. Doing that and I'm doing just Comedy Bar in December.

That's it, right now, at least. Go see Pemberton wherever you can. Come see. Come see. Do go. Do go. Be yes. And get that fucking podcast going, man.

It's going. Oh, it is? Yeah, it's up. Oh, no shit. We'll tell people where to find it. It's on YouTube. It's on my YouTube, which is- We'll put it on the bottom if you can't remember.

Yeah, it's easy to find it. A lot of hashtags, underscores. Hashtags and weird numbers. Johnny, thank you for spending time with me. Thanks for having me. You're the best. It was fun, it was great. Bye.

Thank you, Johnny P. That was Johnny Pemberton, everyone. All the links you need to find, my dearest Johnny, will be down below. And God bless you. I will see you next week.