Dungeons and Daddies - BONUS: DADHAMMER 40,000

Episode Date: October 22, 2024

This is Part One of DADHAMMER 40,000 – a new Patreon bonus mini series where Matt has used the Warhammer 40,000 Wrath and Glory system to guide us through the cruelest and bloodiest world imaginable.It begins one fateful morning on the remote dwarf planet Navis IV where we meet four lowly cogs in the Imperium of Man machine when a powerful unexpected visitor -- an Inquisitor relentlessly pursuing a dangerous traitor -- turns all of their lives inside out.The Peachyville Horror will return November 5th!Hear our other bonus miniseries and the final two parts of DADHAMMER 40,000 (releasing soon!) on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!God Emperor DM is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Nordstrom Rack is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Tylerius Andromedus is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Vitamix Blender is Beth May (@heybethmay)Jucious Lucious is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Series Music by Maxton Waller and Travis ReavesBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our TranscriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Hey there, we have just returned from our Whirlwind European Tour. Thank you to everyone who came out to support us in Ireland, the UK, Germany, Belgium and the Netherlands. We had an incredible time. The cosplay at the shows were amazing and the European energy was approximately twice the voltage of America.

And that's an electricity joke. While we recover from the tour, we have for you this week episode 1 of a mini-series that's been in the works for a while now, Dad Hammer 40K, a Matt Arnold DM series set in the Warhammer universe. This, like Mountains of Dadness and Sons and Sons ability, is the latest mini-series we do as bonus content on our Patreon, so if this tickles your fancy, part two and three will be available later on our Patreon. These mini-series are a chance for us to experiment with different game systems and formats.

We've done four of them already, so check them out as well as hours of audio and video bonus content on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Please enjoy, we'll be back to season three in two weeks with a new episode on November 5th. We'll see you then. For more than a hundred centuries, the Emperor has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Earth. Back to season three in two weeks with a new episode on November 5th. We'll see you then. For more than a hundred centuries, the emperor has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Earth. He is the master of mankind by the will of the gods and master of millions of worlds.

He is the master of mankind by the will of the gods and master of the million of war. You should keep all this in and then keep stopping the music. But we'll get a good voice actor to do it. For more than a hundred centuries, the Emperor has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Earth. He is the master of mankind by the will of the gods, and master of the million worlds by the might of inexhaustible armies. He is a rotting carcass, writing invisibly with power from the Dark Age of technology. He is the carrion lord of the Imperium, to whom a thousand souls are sacrificed every day, and for whom blood is drunk and flesh eaten.

To be a person in such times is to be one amongst untold trillions. It is to live in the cruelest and most bloody regime imaginable. This is a tale of these times. If you wish to take part in this adventure, prepare yourself now. Forget the power of technology, science, and common humanity. Forget the promise of progress and understanding for there is

no peace amongst the stars. Only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of thirsty gods. The universe is a big place and whatever happens you will not be missed. This is DAD HAMMER 40K. Dad Hammer 40K. Dad Hammer 40K. Dad Hammer 40K. Dad Hammer 40K. Dad, ha, ha. Welcome to the first episode of Dad Hammer 40K. This is a three episode mini series featuring new characters,

a new world, a new ruleset, and a new DM. Me, Matt Arnold. A new DM? A new DM, me. DMing in the new? The claim player of Daryl Wilson and many other people on PCs. How you all doing?

Now it feels like you're looking at your dick here. It feels kind of weird, honestly. Matt's got a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step and a bulge in his pants right now. Wow. This is exciting to play. Okay, well guys.

Matt is fully man spread as he's recording this, by the way. Fully torqued. I've never seen two legs spread farther apart than Matt Arnold has them right now. Wow, okay, well speaking of that new stance, we are also using a new system. Nice!

Wow! That's why he's the best. We are using the new, well newer Warhammer system developed by Cubicle 7 Games. It's called Wrath and Glory. I'll try to explain the rules as they come up. The primary thing for those of you who are used to Dungeons and Dragons is to realize that we do not have

any d20s, no d8s, no d10s, no 12s, no fours. Those foul, heretical shapes of dice. We use only d6s in this, and your skills and everything require you to roll a certain number of d6s. One side for each son of the emperor? Oh, William. Oh, William, you really show your whole ass in there. There are 20 sons, but only 18.

But two we do not discuss. Two sons. No, there's not. One for each of the six bravest sons. They're all brave. Oh William. They're all very brave. All the ones who are loyal were brave.

Truly six of them must be the bravest. Oh William, if you had read, as Matt has has all 50 family books of the speech of terror, there are 64 65 horse heresy books again, you know, it's not gonna be the most rules heavy, but more or less we'll be rolling a bunch of d sixes rather than one of another dice. And otherwise they should more or less play the same as what we normally do, which is these guys will, I'm sure just just fuck around, and every once in a while, I'll make them roll dice, and they will live or die. ["Deadly Home from Deadly"]

Let us begin with your lot in life. It is truly, utterly pathetic, even by the wretched standards of the Imperium of mankind. You do not live beneath the holy shadow of the Imperial Palace on Terra, nor do you fight with honor on the front lines of the Sabbath Crusade. Well crap. You don't even reside in one of the billions of Hive cities scattered across the vast expanse of the Imperium. No, you and my friends live on a solitary outpost with a hundred other damned souls

on the remote dwarf planet Navus IV, and your entire life's purpose is to pick bloodberries. Bloodberry plants are twisted, weed-like brambles that cover every inch of your planet in a thick three-foot carpet of thorns. If you push your way through the dense thicket, fighting past the razor-sharp thorns and enduring the acid they secrete, you begin the grueling task of harvesting the crimson berries wedged within the fibrous stems. It would seem madness to endure the sweat and blood required to harvest these foul-smelling berries if it were not for the fact that they provide the exact hue of red needed for the

sacred capes of the Minotaurs, one of the fiercest Space Marine chapters. Here's what I mean, they don't have like synthetic dyes. They need the exact color of the blood berries, and so you harvest them. For failing to meet the Imperial provided quota would mean certain death. And you made this up? I made this up. This is really good.

Oh, thank you. Wow. No, I do, I mean it. Okay. Fortunately, these berries also provide just enough nutrition to keep you all alive. Necessary considering there's nothing else on this desolate planet and the Imperium delivers

your rations once every few years. Rations, Matt. They're rations in the Imperium, Freddy. Unfortunately, the berries are also mildly poisonous. Not enough to kill you, but enough to make vomiting a daily ritual for the citizens of Navus 4. Though, it is less severe now as the chemical process was discovered a few years ago to neutralize the poison. As a side effect, however, the berries become a potent diuretic. That's right, spewing your guts from your mouth or your butt

is the only choice the God Emperor has provided you on Navus 4. So basically we work and eat at a TGI Friday. Yes. Exactly. So you're saying the toilet paper budget is huge here. Or wherever you vomit, it's a mess in there. And they say the God Emperor doesn't give with both hands.

Doesn't give with both hands. Now, welcome to a normal day on Navus 4. You all woke up at 4.30 in the morning as required by the screeching cries. How many hours a day are day on Navis 4. Y'all woke up at 4.30 in the morning as required by the screeching cries. How many hours a day are there on Navis 4? There are 24. 24, what quantity is this? 29.

29. Yeah, and only five hours of darkness. Oh no. Don't ask how that works. It just does. There's only five hours of darkness and 24 hours of day. So we work a 24 hour shift.

You work a 25 hour shift. You work a 25 hour shift. You sleep three hours a day and you have one hour to eat. Naeve is four. But you're all used to it. Yep, that's right. But we get up at four a.m. because we're on that grind set. No, because there's other...

Yeah, do we have any side hustles? Yes, prefect or sigma grind set is actually here. Enough. Stop chattering. Enough. So out across the muddy excuse for a town square, there's a single metallic administrative building. It's very different from all the other buildings because unlike it being covered in trash and whatnot, it is clad in an ornate gold engravings giving honor to the Imperium and the Emperor. The voice came from a feeble old man covered in wires.

He looks like a half robot. He's got a big cloak on. This feeble old man who stands in the front entrance is the sole Imperial administrator on the planet, the Prefector. You know him though, as Slop. Slop? Yes, yes, my name is very funny.

You always laugh at my name, Slop. Are we in like a village? Like what's our... All of you in the village gather around in the center of the town like you're supposed to at 4 30 in the morning. The town is already awake and everyone runs to the center of town like you do every morning Because that's where you're given instructions by Slop. However, Slop being the master delegator and lazy bureaucrat He is depends on the local governor to give those instructions and deal with such matters in the morning.

So Slop looks at said governor. Nordstrom Rack. Nordstrom Rack. Okay, and Will, this is actually Will's idea, so all the credit to you for this wonderful naming convention, but why don't you present the fact god with a fact? That's right, in Dad Hammer, our facts,

our facts presented to the fact god. Fact for the fact god about Nordstrom rack is that she? Loves the God Emperor of mankind nice, dude And she's ready to make her way through the administratum and move her way up the ranks right now She's governor of Navis for she's thinking maybe she could be governor of a slightly less shitty planet like maybe Naveus for If she puts enough boot to ass on the fucking slouchy parasites that are not doing a good enough job. All hail prefector Slop. It's such a wonderful wonderful privilege to get to wake up again and serve the emperor through you,

administration prefector Slop. May we all love and serve the Emperor. Yes, thank you Nordstrom. Governor Nordstrom, now I believe- There is no need to thank me! I serve the Emperor in all ways. It is I who should be thanking you. Thank you. Fucking kiss-ass. You're welcome. But only thank the Emperor. Never thank me ever again for anything. Nordstrom, what is this duty you wish to perform? Oh, that's right! Nordstrom Rack, who is in sort of the usual dingy, berry-stained, mud-soaked garb of her peers, has added like two little Imperial epaulettes that I received from the slain corpse of the previous

governor to denote my official title. And I turned everyone in the village as I opened up a little gunny sack that has a homemade flog in it. It's a sort of a cat of nine tails made out of the thorny bushes of the blood berries and I say fellow menials of the Imperium it is I your new governor Nordstrom Rack you all know me hi I know all of you hi hello hi how's everyone doing? I yawn. What a great can we give it just before we get started, three cheers for the emperor. Hip hip hooray!

Hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hooray! Hip hip hooray! In the last time I'm looking at the prefect, you'd be like, hooray! We have a saying in the administratum. Yes. If there is a problem that comes along, you must whip it.

Which is why we shall now begin the flogging. Vitamix, will you please bring forth the prisoner? Yes, yes. Slop is going to wave over the single security guard that's hiding in the crowd right now. I believe the security guard is played by Beth May. Beth, why don't you introduce your security guard? Vitamix Blender. Oh, shit.

Or Vitamix, as we Yanks would call him. Victimix Blender. Oh shit. Or Vitamix, as we Yanks would call him. Vitimix Blender. Vitimix works security. Pretty tough guy. But my fact for the fact, God, is that in the grim darkness of the future, there is only war. But Vitimix is looking for love.

Oh. Okay, there's people looking for love, I like that. Okay, I like Vitimix. I'm gonna let Vitamix live Hold on wait a minute. Vitamix considered loving the Emperor with every fiber of his being. Yeah, that's who you met. Yeah Like sexually sexually indeed. Okay, Beth Why don't you tell us what Vitamix is doing now that he's been waved over by Nordstrom Rack? You see a sturdy frame of a man

Looking at the scene in front of him, but also talking to himself mysteriously, but also looking towards Northsome Rack in a exchanging glances sort of way, but talking to himself like, okay, okay, right, okay, okay. So I was thinking that you and me, we could, um, we could hunt blood berries together. And I was, I was thinking like we, I could, I could be your security, but forever. Vitamix. Yes, yes, sir. Bring the fucking prisoner. Of course, of course. The governor. Um, uh, you there. Juiciest Lucius. Okay, Juiciest Lucius is

obviously played by Freddie Wong. Freddie Wong. Do you give me a quick fact for the fact? God for Juiciest Juiciest Lucius is a bit of an inventor and what Juiciest Lucius is figured out is a new form of air conditioning as the handyman on the planet. He fixes all the haves and make sure all the machines are running and in his spare time tinkers with parts and has stumbled upon a method. I was thinking Matt, what happened was he discovered

an asteroid impact and from the ore, it was a substance that was a cooling substance. So he's like, I think I've got a new way to do air conditioning. So it's like an asteroid of free on. Oh, we'll find out. Okay, we'll find out. Okay. Oh, we'll find out. Okay. Well, the fact God accepts your fact, Freddy.

So, Slop is irritated and annoyed this is taking so long. Yes, okay. He snaps his finger. Vitamix, just bring the prisoner. Here you see before you a man who has failed his duty. Juiciest Lucius, tell now to all the way in which you failed as handyman of this village and this galaxy. Juiciest goes up to the mic, taps it.

Over and have 413B. I used a type Charlie spanner wrench, which caused a toilet overflow. What I should have done- Can't do that, Mike. Was use a type omega. Boo. So sorry once again, Ms. Hammersham, for the toilet overflow again, sorry. And as he's doing this, I feel like Vitamix and I are sort of affixing him

to the post in the middle of town. Yeah, yeah, yeah, my arms are going up. And Nordstrom's hand brushes past Vitamix's and he's like, oh. Oh, hello Vitamix, how are you doing? Ah. Speechless at the awesome ceremony of power of our duties. Let us begin the 30, my God, you, what is that?

So as you, Nordstrom Rack, are about to lash Juicius Lucius, Slop pauses for a second. Something has caught his eye. Across the muddy town square, wedged between some desperate looking workers, there appears to be, is that a space marine? No, it can't be. But it looks like one.

Anthony, what is this space marine in the crowd? Tylelius Anduomatus. You can call me Tylo. Sorry to call you. You called what? Tylo. My name is Tylo. Tylo. Tyler, but he says it with a weird voice. I'm like I'm like nine years old. And when I grow up, I'm going to be one of the adeptus astaltes, a space marine. The fact for the fact, God, for Tyler is that he is not aware

that you can't grow up to be a space marine. Space marines are genetically engineered by a bunch of. Yeah, from the jump to be like three times the size of normal humans and have twice as many organs and all that kind of shit. Tyler believes that if he just works hard, if it bleeds hard enough that he will eventually become a member of the ultramarines, his favorite adapt as a star, he's a basic base, a basic base. You like the blues.

And for those of you don't know know, Space Marines are the most powerful soldiers in the Imperium. As Anthony said, you can't just become one. You're mutilated and grown at birth to become one. They're eight foot tall mutant super soldiers in big armor. Slap is not seeing an eight foot tall super soldier. What is Slap seeing? So what he sees is a young boy, nine years old,

four feet on a good day. And he is wearing, made out of cardboard, a surprisingly accurate set of Adeptus Astarte's Space Marine armor. Huge pauldrons on his shoulders, big old boots. He was doing pushups when Slop called him out. He goes, oh, this is my powwow, obviously. I have not seen such blasphemy. Oh, no. Blasphemy whale.

Show me the heli-tick. Seen such blasphemy. Oh no, well long Vitamix bring the child. He shall also receive 30 lashings Come here child. Come to me. All right Here I come. Okay, you walk up to him. Yeah, he stares and he goes even a fabrication of such armor It's only for those who serve the emperor. By do so, Dampol. You shall receive thirty lashes, and despite your age, it will be a full thirty. And if you do not live, he makes a sign up to the emperor, it will be only in the service of the emperor that you die.

A fitting punishment, Prefector! So, uh, Tilarius leans in and he goes, not only am I going to survive, I'm not going to make a peep because I'm a space marine, baby. Slop smiles for the first time in 30 years. He goes, not the space brain perhaps, but perhaps there will be a way for you to serve the emperor. Today is the first day of your life, child. And he said, I'm nine. I'm this many. for today is the first day of your life, child.

And he said- I'm nine, I'm this many. Yeah. I meant, today, go to, get tied up, please. We are out of rope though, so young boy, Tyler, if you could just go ahead and just hug the post. Just hold it. Yeah, I'm not going any well.

Give me a wolf. I turn to the crowd and I say, In the words of the administratum, to know one's place is the greatest comfort. To excel within it is the greatest solace and a master's contentment is the greatest reward. You see two people who hear who have forgotten that wisest of lessons, young boy.

Did you write that? No, I- Did you write those words? I said them just now and I memorized them. I know. I know you did. You just have such a way with words. But go ahead.

Oh, thank the Emperor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the Emperor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, him. Right, so let's proceed, shall we? Yeah. And now it is my great honor and privilege to as the foremost member of this community administer a punishment to inspire the rest of you. Cause I think all of us together,

we can get those blood-bury numbers up. The Emperor's gift, the great tithe is coming. And I think this quarter, this season will be our best season yet. Right on. Yes. All right, yes, you can choose who would you like to whip first? Yeah, the child so much darker than I thought it was going to be in my head. You're the one who came up with this

logging thing. You're the one who came up with it and not only that came up with the weapon that you're using dudes as an R R. This will be this will be a good way for us to show how combat works. So what we're gonna do, you can choose who would you like to whip first Nordstrom has been talking up a big This will be a good way for us to show how combat works. So what we're going to do, you can choose who would you like to whip first? Nordstrom has been talking up a big game to herself. She was out practicing. Oh, she's a girl.

Yeah. Oh, shit. She's been out practicing. Whoa, Anthony. Damn, dog. Hey, you don't want to cut that. I thought it was a cool gay relationship between Vitamix and Nordstrom.

Damn, you turned brown. Now we look like this fucking conservative ones. She was out practicing on a tree all last night. She's been really, really just like ready to impress everybody, Now we pull the shit out of the conservative ones. She was out practicing on a tree all last night. She's been really, really just like ready to impress everybody, but she realizes she actually has to do this thing now where her hands have started shaking. Ah, pre factor.

Yes. Which should I switch? Which one? Which would have pleased the emperor most for me to start with? The emperor is pleased if you do his will. But what is his will? I'm waiting. Yes, I think you should tire yourself on the child. She's gonna stand in front of both of them

and then just close her eyes and just rear back and swing. All right, so what we're gonna do is I'm gonna. Ow! Since you're. Okay, if you're close to that. The god in blue protected me. We will do that, we will find. Since you've been mixed as close, I will, because you're too much of, we will do that. We will find since Vitamix is close,

I will because you're too much of a coward to choose who to swing. One and a two is the child, a three and a four is Lucius, Juicius, and a five and a six is Vitamix. That's a three. All right, so Freddie, it looks like Juicius, Lucius will be receiving the painful end of this whip. Oh yeah baby. So why don't you go ahead and do a combat roll? Dang dude, it's like a tutorial in a video game dude. Yep.

Before you whip, make sure you crouch over this small gap and jump over this fallen log. Well, here's your chance. You make sure you invert your controls based on what you're whipping. You know what I mean? Do I invert now or now? Alright, so for combat, you're just gonna roll a weapon skill. So what's your weapon skill? So my weapon skill is one and my ionize is two, so I have three dice. So you roll three dice. Ionize initiative.

One of them has to be my rage dice. Okay, so let us explain. As Will does the first piece of combat by whipping in unarmed man. So the way combat or really any skill check works in Wrath and Glory is that you will roll a certain number of dice, all D6s, in order to achieve a certain number of successes. So you may be rolling hoping to get, say, like three successes.

You gain one success if the die lands on a four or five, and if it lands on a six, good for you, it's a double success. So obviously, the more dice you get to roll, the more likely you are to get more successes, but that's not it. Of the dice you roll, one dice is always a special die, the wrath die. Some of my dice I gave you are from the Cowboy Bebop RPG so I believe you have Ein, the Corgi as the number 6. For you lucky few, when you roll a Corgi you will get a success. So anyways, you always include one wrath die in your roll and that wrath

die, while it counts as a normal success and what not, it also essentially will decide if your roll has a critical failure or critical success. So the wrath die rolls a one, no matter what else the roll is, I will add a complication, it'll be a failure. But if it gets a six, whether or not the roll failed or succeeded, it's a special success, but I'll explain what happens when the wrath die gets a six

when it actually happens. But you are rolling against Freddy, what is your resilience? My resilience against Freddie. What is your resilience? My resilience is three. What is your defense? One. One. So Will, you simply have to get above one success to hit him.

I got two threes and a two. You missed. You just missed with the whip. I did have my eyes closed. So I feel like I should have disadvantage as well if there's anything like that, but. So I missed. So this feels like you don't need one half of it So I look at you and is waiting for another whipped apple

There's 30 lashes I'm gonna be like ah yes, and that's what it sounds like when I use it Okay So scary, yeah Roll once more Okay, okay everyone's watching That didn't count as one Everyone's watching you

That counted as one, that count Okay, alright, I got watching. That didn't count as one. Everyone's watching you. That counted as one. Okay, all right, I got a two, a two, and a five. Okay, you successfully hit Lucius on the pull. Will, what is the damage of your whip? It says two star plus one ED. Two damage plus one extra dice. So roll one dice. I rolled a four.

A four, oh, okay. So you did. So I did six damage to him. What the fuck? No, no, no, four is one dice. I rolled a four. A four. Oh, okay. So you did. So I did six damage to him. What the fuck? No, no, no, four is one success. Okay. Three damage. Freddy, what is your resilience?

My resilience is three. Okay. You take a hit, and every success is a point of damage. I see, I see. Yeah. So you whip Freddy, there's a loud crack,

nobody in the crowd even winces, nobody cares about this at all. Do I wince? That's up to you. Well, no, but what happens with resilience three? Does that you don't get a wound doesn't mean it didn't hurt. What is what is Lucius to does he cry out and rage? I don't see the next time your toilet backs up. I'm doing shit one now the child

and now and now as governor, I have given the ceremonial first whip and now I turn over to our honorable security officer to continue. And you feel a big strong hand wrap around yours and grab the whip. I'd be honored to whip this child. Should you do the thing like when you're teaching a girl how to golf where you put her arms around her? You whip like this. Yeah. Oh, you're trembling, Governor. Just from zeal for the emperor.

Slough stares straight into the eyes of Tyler. How does Tyler respond when we about get whipped? Tyler looks him dead in the eyes. Whoever's got the whole thing to whip, Tyler just goes, I'm waiting. Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. Adeptus astaltes, feel'm waiting. Oh, okay. Um, yeah, sure. Depth of systaltis, feel no feel.

To feel feel would be the insult. Weapons kill, I have seven total values. What? One, two, three, four, five. I'm so glad Will is such a pussy. As you raise your hand back to whip the child. Muscles rippling. You feel a big gust of wind there is a siren

There is clearly multiple ships flying above they're circling around looking for a landing spot Slop looks up in sky goes. Oh No, oh no this can't be good Vitamix looks up to the sky this fuck they found me They found me and run. Yeah. Yeah. Fight, fight, fight, fight. Tilarius turns around and looks at Slop and goes,

told you. Slop says, stay still everyone, stay still. This landing craft is hovering over the entire town and it begins to land very close to you, Tyler. The wind is pushing you back as this ship is coming down. Along the ship's adamantium armor, you can see an insignia of the letter I emblazoned in a fiery scarlet with a skull in the center

And you know this symbol is the Inquisition. Yes, exactly for most people you seem happy with it Most people would never want to see this symbol. No, I'm psyched Probably here to tell me what I already know that I'm a space marine For most people seeing it means you'll never see anything again for as you said Tyler It is the Inquisitorial Rosette. And you know that inside that ship is one of the most dangerous beings in the entire universe, an Inquisitor.

Tyler Aries immediately goes to his knees. Oh, very good. Juiciest Lusius takes the cue and does the same. Nordstrom is going to pose right next to the Prefector. And I just kind of like spit polish my epaulettes and try to straighten my hair and just like tidy up my dirty rags. And I say, the Inquisitors are here. Is this about my request to be transferred to a bigger planet? and I just kind of like spit polish my epaulettes and try to straighten my hair and just like tidy up my dirty rags.

I say, the Inquisitors are here. Is this about my request to be transferred to a bigger planet? Are we standing near blood berries? There's blood berries everywhere. Okay. The only place there's not blood berries is like the very center of town where you've patted down

and taken out all the blood berries. Oh, okay. So Vitamix looks down, grabs a bunch of blood berries and like smashes them on his face to make his face like bloody and like he doesn't look like himself anymore. Okay, very good. Are you war paint?

Like you war paint the reds? The docking bay of the ship slowly opens and out steps a tall, handsome, glorious inquisitor of our Lord Emperor. He is six feet eight. Half of his face is a metal skull perched upon his shoulder shoulder is a robot crow. Following him is a little floating skull, a servitor for any of you who may know.

You've probably heard of them. It is circling around and buzzing in his ear. Around him are four scions of inquisitors. He has a retinue? A retinue of inquisitors. And he steps out very slowly. Who is in charge here? That would be the prefector, Mr. Slop.

Prefector Slop, he's in charge. And I'm the governor of Navis IV and I would love to welcome you to our lovely little planet. Slop walks up to the inquisitor, he goes, dear inquisitor, and he bows his head. Ah, Slop, I see this is where you ended up. Yes. Everybody, it's Matt's first scene

doing a scene with himself. Yay. Yes, sir. What is it you need from us? I'm here to defeat Heresy, Slop. I have been pursuing for many years a most dangerous traitor who yields the power beyond your reckoning.

Okay, but what does that have to do with us? Shut up, Slop. Unfortunately for me, he seems he has crash-landed on this very planet. I believe there is a man we have been chasing who landed on this planet just last night. I believe he may be in this very town, and if not, I believe some of your citizens may have seen him. It is of the utmost importance to the emperor,

to the Imperium, and to the safety of all mankind that we find this individual immediately. So Inquisitor! Yes, child. I saw somebody I didn't recognize last night. Me too, me too, me too. But I saw it first. Oh, you both saw it. Yes, I saw it the most. I saw something I didn't recognize last night. Me too, me too, me too. But I saw it first. Oh, you both saw it.

I saw it the most. I saw something as well. Oh, three of you saw something. Did anyone else? I don't see shit. I'll know who you're looking for. He. If there's somebody new here, I'll know.

Come here. He points at you and does this. He flicks. And then I see how handsome he is. And I wipe some of the blood berry off my neck. As you're wiping the blood berry, from the very pull of his finger, you realize that you're levitating

an inch above the ground and you fling straight to him. Oh my God. You're now eye to eye. This guy knows how to use his fingers, you know what I mean? It is a come hither motion after all. Yeah. You're now eye to eye with him. He goes, did you see someone?

Well, yeah, yeah, okay, I'm sorry, so. Oh, well, I was going to ask these people one by one, if anybody, usually people lie when the inquisitor comes and asks us anything, but very up forth, so. No, no. We're an honest, hardworking town. With salt of the oath. We're salt of the earth. We're salt of the earth.

We make blood berries here, as I'm sure you already know. Yes. And in fact, I think actually our production numbers are being up even higher this year. We've got a lot of new hands out in the fields. New security, just saying. New security, kind of cuts it up. We've got a new security agent.

He snaps his fingers and all your mouths go shut, like the Matrix. he looks at slop keep everybody in a line when I'm done interviewing these four I will continue to interview everybody and if anybody tries to run shoot them if anybody tries to go inside shoot them if anybody disagrees with anything you say or makes a single move that you don't like slob just shoot them anyways Very good as slob starts moving he sees somebody sneeze and snot takes a gun out and shoots a person in the head You watch this person fall to the ground their brain splattered and the Nope

enough. That's why we go get all the humans. He wasn't funny. He was not funny. He was not funny. He was not funny. Yes, it was an ironic thing. It's no big deal. I certainly didn't think that his slacker attitude was very funny. And just way too much racial stuff. It's a grimdark world, but you have to be a wasist. Yes. The Inquisitor, with all your mouths still sewn shut, does a little motion with his hands and he all levitate a foot off the ground and he leads you into Slop's whatever house into the slop and you saying this is the only metal building in the village yes it is the closed building is about the size of the room we were recording it about 20 office what an honor yes there's about 20 by 20 is mostly empty except for the little scribe table that slop has which

is just full of endless documents there's a bunch of little skulls with pens, like ticking and tagging and writing. Like merch, like convention merch. All these skull pens. No, no, they're little servitors. They're autoscribed. Yeah, they're autoscribed. They're writing stuff.

As we're scrolling by here, as we're zooming by, I would like to see, like I want to sneak a peek at this paperwork. Just these mounds of paperwork. And specifically, I'm looking to see if there's anything about the request I filed to have Slotbright a letter of recommendation for me to be an Administratum Rec.

So that I can get off this godforsaken rock. You know what, I'll just let you see that. Okay. Yeah, I mean, it's just out there in the open. I do have Administratum Records as an Inquisitorial Sage bonus, so I get plus one to a test. Ooh, okay, tell you what, tell you what.

This will be our first test, let's roll a test. In general, the way this works is that, again, as I said, a four and a five is a pass and a six is two passes. The standard test in Wrath and Glory is a three. Me as the Holy Father can decide to add difficulty to a test by increasing the number. I'm going to say that what you're trying to do

is pretty much a standard test. So I have two investigation and three intelligence, which is five, and then I get plus one, because I'm looking at administrative records. Oh shit. Okay. Six dice, one six. That's it.

I got one six, a three, two ones. Oh my God. Wow. You actually failed that. So that six counts as two success and you got no other successes. So you got two out of three. What you see-

I like to spend a glory point. No. No way. So the group we saw, let's talk about glory points for everybody who's listening. two out of three. What you see. I like to spend a glory point. No. No. That's a group resource. Let's talk about glory points for everybody who's listening. A glory point is a shared resource that you can get a variety of ways,

including the Holy Father simply giving it to them. Think of it as like a group shared inspiration. Can I use a wrath point? Yes, you can use a wrath point to roll once more. To roll once more or do I get to just like that? You can re-roll failures. You can re-roll failure, so yes. If we get negative glory points,

are we in a glory war? Oh! Oh! Wrath point is essentially just the individual's inspiration. Everybody gets two wrath points for the entire game, unless I provide others. OK. But we didn't have any.

You really want to burn one of them. I'm going to go ahead and burn a wrath point. OK. Really? Let me see it. OK, this time I got four or five and a six. So you're four or five and a six, so four successes. Yeah.

Now was your Rath die a one or a six? No, it's a two. So you got four successes, so that's a success. So I'll say that what you see, what Slot was just writing, what he's filling out was, you said you sent him a recommendation. I was hoping that he'd write me a letter of recommendation. He did.

He did. He did write a letter of recommendation. He is recommending administratum. He did write, he did write a letter of recommendation. He is recommending that you be executed as soon as possible. He would like, he would like a new person unless you can tell that he does not believe that you will increase the quota of blood berries. Okay. But if you did, there is a slim chance you may survive, but if not you're almost certainly going to be killed on the next flight of rations that comes in.

Now you're almost certainly going to be killed on the next flight of rations that comes in. I'm winning him over. Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by AG1. Wow. Matt, you got the pack. What was in it? They provide you a nice bottle that's easy to mix in. And they have this nice little like metal container so you can put it in the fridge because after you open it, you got to keep it refrigerated. Because it's full of such good fresh shit, it's got to be refrigerated.

That's how you know it's good. It's not just a bunch of preserves in there It's the real stuff so I put that in there. I mix it up I've actually been doing every morning for the last you know two mornings, so that's a good. It's good You know two times. It's not pattern yet, but it's going dude. Look I got the UAV. I don't have the helicopter yet, but it's a streak I got my a Guys are he's gonna help me do the ghost drink by getting more kills Yeah in 60 seconds Matt gets his daily dose of vitamins minerals pre and probiotics I got my AG1 streak. See where the guys are. The UAV is going to help me do the kill streak by getting more kills. In 60 seconds, Matt gets his daily dose of vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics, adaptogens,

and more to support your digestion and keep you regular, dog. 97% of participants felt digestion improved after 90 days. Want to know my little secret? This is genuine. This is true. Don't look at me like I'm not going to say something good for the staff. I'm giving you something good right here. Mix it halfway with a little bit of vanilla almond milk.

Goes down smooth, delicious. Honestly, it's good, like it tastes good. Like I'm like, even if it wasn't healthy, I'm like, hey, that's a pretty delicious treat. Enjoy it. Convinced me. AG1 is made from bioavailable ingredients that work with your body.

It's a powder form, easy to access, nutrient dense ingredients in the formula. Just one daily scoop provides whole body benefits like gut, immune, and stress support. You know, support your gut, dog. Help your body digest. Start with AG1 and notice the difference for yourself. You know what they say about gut health,

that's where good butt health starts. It's true. Where's the lie? It starts in the gut, goes to the butt. You get healthy gut, healthy butt. Start with AG1 and notice. Happy wife, happy life, healthy gut, how do you feel about it, but start with a g1 I know the life healthy gut honey building so start with a g1 and those the different happy, but What start with a g1 and notice the difference for yourself?

It's a great first step to investing in your health And that's why we're excited to be partnering with them try a g1 and get a free bottle of vitamin D3k to I thought this was leet speak vitamin 3k to X 3k to I thought this was Leet speak vitamin 3k to X now d3k to and five free AG one travel packs with your first purchase at drink AG one comm slash Dungeons and Daddy's all one word I bring those travel packs on tour that's a $48 them up that's a $48 value for free if you go to drink AG one comm slash Dungeons and Daddy's check it out so here's what we're. You're going to get interrogated by an Inquisitor. What?

Okay. The four of you are placed on the other side of the table. You're more than happy to crack jokes. You can mess around with an Inquisitor. I will say that. I will play the Inquisitor as an Inquisitor. And I should clarify another set of rules in this game. You are all what are called Tier 1. The way the game balances itself, because if you know anything about Warhammer, you'll know that you have lowly humans, but you also have things the equivalent of gods.

So in this game, if you want to play gods, if you want to play space marines, you will play a Tier 4 game. You guys are Tier 1. Inquisitor is a Tier 3. So that's essentially three entire tiers up. One swing from him will probably kill you instantly, and I do not have a plan to reroll characters. Would you say that all of these represent the tears of the kingdom? God! Do I get a wrath point back from my little joke? No, I will.

No, I will. Yes, I'll give you a wrath point. Yeah! The emperor giveth any take of that. Maybe laugh, you get a wrath point. The grim, dark, and future's only puns. So, here's what's gonna happen. And I want to tell the audience what I did.

I, last night, went to each and every one of you. And I quickly, out of nowhere, told you what happened. You had each given me a reason why your character was out late at night. And then I described that off in Horizon, you saw some sort of falling ship or asteroid. And then a few minutes later, a strange man came running up to you.

You each had a slightly different experience. He said some words to you. I gave you some different details, all sorts of little things that this man did before running off in some direction. And I thought it'd be fun to essentially have the same experience of if that did just happen to you. So you either remembered it or you didn't. It's been almost 24 hours and we saw twisters. Yep. If you feel it.

So he needs as much information as possible. And as every good Inquisitor, he does not simply believe your words. So he will be using an old ancient piece of Imperium technology to make sure that what he is getting is accurate and that you are not lying, which are two slightly different things. He's just going to over tell him the truth or not.

He's a psycher. He may be able to see even what you do not lying, which are two slightly different things. He's just going to know if we're telling the truth or not. He's a psycher. He may be able to see even what you do not remember. Oh no. But it's important to know whether or not you are telling the truth, because he needs to know if you're also loyal. Does he know about our past? Depending on how deep into the brain

he may know more about your past. Okay. Matthew, we want to start rolling up a new character. I have an ancient piece of Imperium technology. Holy shit. And I'm going to ask you each a question so why I had time with this? Is it a lie detector?

What is? Oh no! What? Oh no, Matt! What the frick is that? Matt has pulled out some sort of ghoulish children's game. Oh no. Oh my god.

It's not a children's game. It's a technology from the Imperium. It is, I believe it's called pie in the face. I forget what it's called. You're going gonna put your chin on this little chin rest and then there's a hand Attached to a little simple mechanism. I'm going to spray the hand with truth serum, but it's shaving it's shaving cream No, because I wasn't sure some people had dairy No, it's not Close your eyes.

We do this. I don't lie. What happened is I will ask you questions. The Inquisitor cannot know if you're lying or simply don't remember. How does he know how to get his job? When I ask you a question,

you're saying the fucking Inquisitor could read our minds, but you can't over telling the truth or not. You can see what we said, but he can't tell if we're telling the truth or not. He can see what we said, but he can't tell. William, don't you understand, Governor? Yeah, why does he need to ask us anything? He's testing our resolve and our love of the Emperor. You get one free turn on this machine, Freddy.

Thank you so much. What'll happen is, when I ask you a question, if you get it wrong, you will turn this. So there's a knob on the side. There's a knob on the side. Eventually Eventually it's completely random after a certain number of turrets. This hand will fling parcel into your face and you will take one wound instantly. Okay, you understand? Yeah, we get it. Okay, the inquisitor puts this ancient contraption down. What's its imperial

name? What's it called? He looks at you and says to say the name would be to drive you mad. Now that's some more hammer. How do you think you lost? Yeah, you mad is so for you all. I don't believe so much. I don't believe about a fist size, like a big, big size dollop. This is like a what Bugs Bunny shaves a guy level of.

I don't ask you to do anything that I did to myself. Last night I was in the bathroom and after I jorked it, I tested the machine out on myself multiple times and realized that you need quite a bit because shaving cream is very sticky. So when this little thing slowly moves up, it doesn't really throw it at all. So it needs to be a lot so at least

it touches your little noses. He unzips all your lips and he puts the machine in front of you, Nordstrom. Now go ahead and put your face in the. Load your chin up, bro. And Mr. Inquisitor, I just want to say it's a real honor to be inquisitor, to be interrogated I just uh, I don't know if I've seen anyone but are you seeing anyone?

What? Just I- Oh, no Don't be nervous, there's no reason to be nervous, we are all- I'm just, I'm not nervous, I'm excited to serve the Emperor in any capacity I can So go ahead and ask your questions I can smell the fucking shaving cream from here. It's that barbersol dog, that Jurassic Park Dinandri special dude.

Well, Matt did say he jorked it, so there is DNA on that. Dino DNA. Bingo. We'll start simple. He puts two fingers to your skull, and you can sense that he is inside your brain. OK. Two and the think.

Two and the think. Two in the think. Two in the think. Now, you said you saw a man last night. Yes. Did he run to you? He ran past me. Past you. Simple question. Was he a military man?

I don't know. You don't know. He had a Laz pistol. No, he had a symbol. There was a symbol on his uniform. So yes, maybe he was a military man. I can draw off a memory. That's amazing.

Okay. Pass it over to the child. Hey me wit, what would you like to know? I remember everything. You remember everything. Good, you have no problem. What color was the badge? I'm colorblind.

Turn the dial. Fuck you. I told you the color. Hand it to the next. All right. We're starting simple. Yes. You. Yes. I've already been lashed today. Was he carrying anything?

He showed me a badge and looked like a green fidget spinner. The logo looked like a fidget spinner. I can do what? Turn the dial once. Oh, my God. All of you. He's looking into your brain. He's like a rectangular case. He was carrying a rectangular case.

Oh, yeah. Now I see him running. Which direction did he run away from you? He ran left west. He ran westward. You remember? Do you ran westward? Very good, Freddie. Hand it to Beth, please. Oh, fuck. Oh, wow. My head's so small it fits right in. I... What? He looks at Vitamix. Worry not. You're... ooh. You have served the emperor before. He's sensing something in your past.

But that's not my... Well, yeah, with my words and my thoughts, I'm always serving the emperor. Okay. This man, I see him, he's saying something to you. What did he... He didn't say anything. He said something to you. He stares? He didn't, he didn't say anything. He said something to you.

He stares at you and he speaks these words. Do you remember what he said? If you could feel it. If you could feel it. If you could feel it. If you could feel it. If you could feel it. If you could feel it.

If you could feel it. If you could feel it. If you could feel it. Your memory's getting clearer and clearer and he begins mouthing the words of the man you saw and he said, Aksha comes first. Oh yes, yes. So now turn it.

Oh wait, it's too slick. Aksha comes first. That's two for flinching. Aksha comes first. Hand it back to Will please. Aksha comes first. That's very selfish of Aksha. Yeah. Hi, it's me Will, please. Axel comes first. That's very selfish of Axel. Hi, it's me again.

Yes. You, Governor, should be most concerned. This is a man, I cannot say much, but this is a man who has taken something dangerous and brutal and it could spell death to millions, if not billions. And we do not know why he came here. And again. Do you think perhaps the person who caught this said rogue could maybe secure a small advancement, a small position for herself and say the administratum?

Anybody who helps the emperor will be put in a place for them to help the emperor even more. So yes, that is very possible. Mm. It looks. Nordstrom is feeling like that's not much of a promise. That's, he looks and he says. That's a middle management dodge if I've ever heard one, I know

how to dodge middle management because I am middle management, sir. He spoke to you to think I can't. What words did he speak to you said something about numbers? He said something about six and nine. It was six and nine are the numbers and seven two and three or not. Oh yes, he ran off he said numbers, but when he looked you in the eyes, what did he say before that? He said He said he said turn the dial Shanzack Shanzack comes before the name. Aksha comes first and Shanzek before the name. Why

would he tell these things to you four? Is there something you're not telling me, Anthony? Ah, little warrior. Are you scared, child? The Adeptus Astaltis don't know, Phil, so... They do not. Excellent. I ask you the same question, for it is clear that this man spoke to the four of you. What did he say? He mentioned something like noeg or noegle. When you say the word nerg, the Inquisitor flinches.

Nerg. Nerg is first in all things, he said. Thank you, child, for your honesty. Anthony doesn't have to turn it. Ooh. Okay. Teachers. It's obviously gonna get free. Yeah.

You, what is your name again? Juiciest Lucius, soon to be the greatest inventor in all the land. Yeah baby. Yeah baby. Juiciest Lucius baby, one of the, that's it, that's awesome powers now. Juiciest, Lucius, baby. One of these awesome powers. Now it's Juiciest, Lucius.

That's called through the invention. It's going to really fuck things up. Anyway. Yes. Ask your questions. So he spoke to you as well. Yeah, baby. Tell me what did he say? He said glad, glad, gladden, gladius, gladius, gladius something. that gladius something he's in the

radius turn the dial no he flinches gladiant god damn it vague gladiant vague yeah whatever man you're the one with the machine he takes a step back and looks at the four scions in the room. He makes a little symbol and they run off outside. And he looks at them. He goes, how do you four know my name? Gladiant Vague.

Gladiant Vague, Akshok goes first, Shensik before his name, and Nerg is first in all things, but second in this. Are you sure none of you are lying to me? I have a question. Do we still have to keep our faces in the thing or are we done with that? It seems like you got whatever message you need.

Beth, hand. Who's Beth, Inquisitor? Vitamix. Hand our dear governor the machine. Oh, fuck. One simple question. Yes. Inquisitor.

Did he give you anything? Did he give me anything? Yes. No, he gave me a smile. You lie. Oh no. Turn the dial. I didn't turn the dial.

He didn't give me anything. Stand up and check your back pocket. Oh! Oh! Has Matt snuck something in? Check your back pocket? Check really deep

Oh no! Pull down hand it to me! What the fuck Matt? Excuse me? No! No! Will has pulled out, handed to me. What the fuck, man? Excuse me? No, no, full stop, full stop. That's my butt. Did you give it to Cherish?

No, I slipped it in. When I slipped it in, we went down to an order. You just straight up reverse pickpocketed his ass? Matt reverse picked up his ass awareness. Will, and you're not flying over here. Garbage ass awareness. Am I, am I getting picked up? Yes, yes. What?

Hand me it. He looks at your brain, yes indeed, he remembers, he looks straight at you. He ran to you, he ran to you from the east, he ran up to you and he looked at you, straight in the eyes, and he said, Shanzak, Shanzak before his name. And he slipped this in your pocket.

When the Inquisitor is seeing this, the vision's getting difficult and he's seeing you nodding in return. He's seeing you nodding and accepting it. And he looks at it, he gasps, and it is the eight pointed symbol of chaos. And he stares at the four of you and he goes, a message, he gave you all a message.

You must discover the message. Tell me the message now. Tell me the message now. And he pulls a gun out. He goes, tell me the message. What is the message? So this was a little word game. So I'll just go.

Yeah. I'll say them out loud and you guys just got to tell me the solution. Okay. Okay. Otherwise, I'll shoot you. I'll shoot you. How about that? You have two minutes.

Go ahead and write these down and try to figure out the puzzle. Are we done with the shaving cream? Yes. None of you got shaving cream. Matt deserves one. Matt deserves one click for pickpocketing my butt. He stumbles from seeing the symbol. His hand grasps the machine wildly.

Matt's going for it. Two. That wasn't that big of a deal. It was kind of anticlimactic. It's better that you guys were all stressed out. Hold on a second. Ow, my eyes, it burns. When did you pickpocket me?

When you went to go get the order. Oh, then you came downstairs? Yeah When he went to the holy ordo These are the four messages you received. Okay. Aksha comes first. Does it matter how that's spelled? No, that's just you know spelled the best you can cuz you're gonna say it. Gladent varg follows the words Gladent varg? Or Vog. Sorry, that's his name Gladden Varg follows the words gladden to Varg or Vogue. Sorry. That's his name Shansik before his name and nerd nerd is first in all things but second in my game Forgive me nerd second in no things but this forgive me. I'll give you two minutes. Okay

What was all the numbers you told me a bunch of numbers? Those are something else you said a lot of things I also just wanted to make it harder for you guys remember So you didn't mess that up. It was two things that you meant to say at the end. Yes Action nerd shan sick gladden vogg the moment to say Out loud action nerd shan sick gladden fog gladden vogg's eyes go wide and he stares at you and Puzzle I just want it. I'm just doing a puzzle. I'm a fool. What have I done? What have I done?

You see his little servitor skull starts circling around. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. That's what they sound like cannot be made out of. Master, master, master, what's happening? Looks at you goes, no, that trap. He knew too much. He knew I was coming.

The Inquisitor shudders violently and then goes completely still at first It looks like his skin is just covered in goosebumps But then you realize those goosebumps are spreading along his clothing and his armor everywhere and worse They just keep rising and flaking off chunks of his body begin to slough off him like the ash at the end of a cigarette Well, that's not a perfect analogy because cigarettes don't have blood And so as he begins to stumble about blood oozes out of every new hole and scrape as he decomposes in front of you.

He looks almost like a bloody body on fire, but you can't see the flames. Is he OK? No, he's really not OK. His eyes begin to come out. He starts swinging wildly, and he's trying to touch each of you. Everything he touches, you see.

In fact, why don't you each give me, just do a straight agility roll. One dice. One dice? Yep, same. Two dice. I'll give you. If it's one dice, it straight agility roll. One dice. One dice? Yep, same. Two dice. I'll give you, huh? If it's one dice, it has to be the wrath die.

I'll give you each an extra die because he's on the other side of the table. My wrath die and my regular die were both three. I rolled two ones, including the wrath die. I rolled no successes and a one on the wrath die. I got a five and a four. A five and a four. Five on my wrath die. Here's what will happen.

So you three are not getting out of the way. He is stumbling towards you with your agility. You've shifted away from him. You can run away or you can try to help your three friends. Friends is a stretch. Your three friends and governor, you can choose to not help your three compatriots in this. Friends is still stretch.

Consider that if you're losing some of us, it'll be on your close. No, we have to go back to the Bloodberry production. I can't lose three workers. Absolutely not. You have two workers and a child is a future worker. I'm a local. So yes, I'm going to help them. Okay. What are you going to do?

I'm going to- He's trying to climb over the table. I flip the table to attack them. I'm going to whip him. Okay. Yeah. To get his attention. You want to whip to distract him? Do you want whip to hurt or do you want to like tackle him over something?

Or like just pull him off the table? Tangle him up. Yeah, I'm trying to tangle him up. Okay. Yeah. So they have this thing called like narrative combat rather than like even though you're using your weapon. It's like a cutscene. It's not really combat.

It's like trying to do something. I'll say you can roll cunning. I can roll cunning. Yeah, you're trying to do something cunning because rather than just like hitting him or something, you're trying to tangle him up. Okay. Yes. So you're not doing any damage, but you're trying to do something cunning because rather than just like hitting him or something, you're trying to tinkle him up. Okay, yes. So you're not doing any damage, but you're choosing to just stop him.

Okay, so that's three dice. A six, a five, and a two. Oh, okay. You just passed. Okay. Just grab what happens. So I panic and I grab my governor's flog and I swing it at him.

And it just kind of like goes over his shoulder but then circles around his back and seals around itself. So I've got him sort of like from behind with this whip. Okay. I'm now just like, oh no, what did I do? E.D. he's tangled up and he turns to look at you and the whip that you're holding begins to decay also. Do you want to let go of it?

Yeah. He tries to lunge but before he can even lunge his legs give out like pudding and he just drops to the floor and he slowly begins melting. The servitor begins circling around him. So, so what do you do? So, so what do we do? So what do we do? And he looks at the servitor and he goes, I am the new person who's in charge of you, servitor, because I am the

next most powerful member of the administratum in this room. And I would like to roll persuasion on the servitor. Okay. So for those who don't know, a servitor is essentially just a person, oftentimes a criminal, but sometimes if it's a servitor that's working for the Inquisitor, they might have actually been another Inquisitor. They might have been a really important person for the Imperium, so important,

and in love with the Emperor so much that even when they die, they don't want to just simply pass away. They allow their consciousness and their brain to be put into a skull to act like a little computer for all of eternity Which means that their only purpose in life is to do exactly the orders that they have been granted By the Inquisitor that are working towards so it's going to be a very difficult role

I'm gonna use my leadership skill. Okay, okay, because I'm Pauline rank. I'm saying that your master's been incapacitated and so now I am in charge I got a six a five am in charge. Okay. Okay, that was a one on the wrap top. Oh no. I got a six, a five, and a four. Okay, that's good actually. And a one. You want him to follow you? Yes. Okay. I'm also low key just trying to talk over the other guy

so he can't say I don't. I understand, I understand. I'll put it this way. The moment there is the fallatating to the warp seen on a planet such as this, the idea of Exterminatus, which I will say that you know exactly what this is, Governor Nordstromrack. You have heard of legends and you know exactly what this is, Governor North

Samarack. You have heard of legends and you know that this is the worst thing that could happen to a planet. Exterminatus means that they have decided that it is not worth fixing what is on the planet. They have simply decided to destroy it completely. And you can tell as he's screaming, as our poor Inquisitor is melting and screaming, exterminatus, exterminatus, exterminatus, the servitor school has definitely already passed that message on. And even if they had't, it wouldn't have mattered, because at this point, the scions have probably passed it on.

It is leaping out of your hands as it is. But the servitor skull, he looks at his inquisitor, he goes, oh no, oh no, who do I serve now? He looks at you, he goes, well, I'm yours now. And he circles around you. And he circles around you. And he looks- Oh, hello there.

What's your name? I have no name. So nothing happened from the critical wrath fail? Oh, I mean, I felt like the fact that the message is still going out is enough of a failure. Okay, hello Mr. Skull. Yes. That's what we'll call you Mr. Skull.

What does, just for everyone here, what was it that he said? What did your former boss say? What was that? And why did solving the riddle make him melt? It seems that you have said there was a spell of an ancient god and you killed him. Oh,

oh, well, that's tell him to erase that whole could you maybe delete that from your memory? I will do whatever you wish of me. Yes, let's delete that. Okay. Okay. Well, how did he melt? The foul tint of the work. Since you said the. Let's delete that. Okay. Okay. Well, how did he melt? The foul tint of the wood. Since you said the word Nurgis, probably the fact that there is a tint of the wood.

Oh, can you delete us saying Nurgis too? And also delete me asking you to delete this stuff. Yes, it is all done. Okay, what's all done? I do not know. Whatever you asked me to do, I did. Delete that we asked you to do anything. We didn't ask you to do anything.

Whatever you asked me to do, I did. You gotta delete that too. That's too, keep going, keep going. Keep going back. Before we delete everything this thing ever knows, can you tell us anything about where this Inquisitor was before he came here to Navisfold? We were on Navis one.

We were chasing an Imperial Guardsman because he had an ancient weapon of the Nergal God. We do not know why he came here, but he is here now. And ma'am, he looks at you. Since you are mine and I am yours, I must let you know that Exterminatus will be coming soon. They are about two days away. A ship will be arriving in at earliest two days and they will destroy this entire planet. But what if the bloodberry harvest? What are the quota? That is nothing compared to the possibility.

Extomenal sounds like a very wise course of action. Vitamix logs eyes with Nordstrom is like, two days, huh? It's a long time, but it's also so short. You're right, we must make every moment count, Vitamix. Yes, exactly. That's what I was... Exactly what I think. We should devote every moment towards using our bodies in full service and satisfaction of the Emperor's will. And we should save our planet because one of the

blood berries, right? Right, right. Yeah, yeah, save the planet. And I was thinking, I was thinking like... Yes? Me and you, um, I was wondering what we are to each other, like, isn't it? As it were. Oh, Vitamix. We're just two humble souls spinning on a rock. Meeting. And, you know, I think about Mr. Skull getting his memories deleted. Do we hear him saying that?

In this sentence. Do what the voice says. And I was thinking, no matter what happens, I hope that never happens to me because then I wouldn't remember meeting you. Oh, that's- And serving the Emperor or whatever. Whatever, delete that last bit. Delete him saying the whatever part.

Delete me saying, delete all the whatever part. Ma'am, may I speak out of turn and provide a piece of advice? Sure. Yeah, sure. When I'm no longer serving you, I promise I would delete everything that has ever happened You do not to keep asking me to delete from now on Protocol the moment you die. I would delete everything the moment. I am no longer in your service I would delete anything and maybe if someone else asks you anything the moment anyone asks me anything

I will not say unless you give me explicit instructions to do so Already be dead. So it's like, We'll work on this later. You hear the ships flying up outside. Clearly the Scions have fled as well. The Servitor's Skull hovers over to you, Northstone. May I speak at a turn one more time? Yes, of course.

You know, we're all equals here. So just speak your mind. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Only in the sense that we are nothing but grains of sand compared to the Almighty Emperor. Of course, that's what I mean. It appears that this planet will be destroyed in two days. Now, since I serve you, I do not wish for that to happen, but I wish most that the Fowl Taint of the Warp is destroyed in all things. There are no ships on this planet, unless of course the guardsmen

must have come here somehow. But I do believe while the Inquisitors are not exactly forgiving, they do reward those who help the Emperor. Perhaps if you can retrieve the item we were retrieving. The weapon of Nurgle? The weapon of Nurgle. I promise at the very least you will be killed quickly. Perhaps you will live. Perhaps you can become like me. Oh, what a delightful twist of fate that would be. A servant, a slave, or the emperor of all kind.

But perhaps you will even get a promotion. This is how I become a Space Marine. It's happening. Are you not a Space Marine? He hovers over to you. I mean, on the inside I am, but I haven't been blessed yet by the Depthus Mechanicus. Yes, yes, and you when he looks over to you, Lucius. Yes, I have so many things to bring to the universe. I could improve the lives of all the citizens

under the great emperor. And also, also, Nordstrom is pretty rad because the Inquisitor didn't come up with the plan to delete the memories like we have, you see. We're very smart. So you'll tell us everything, right? Yes. He should have given me that protocol.

I will tell you all of his secrets. Oh, oh, oh. Please do. Oh. He loved Laksa. Laksa is the sign that you saw, the pretty one, to the left, with the four tentacles. He was in love with her. Every time he thought about it, he would flagellate himself.

He would hit his head over and over again until he bled. That is why he has a metal skull, for loving is wrong unless it is the love of the emperor. So wise. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Had he had any fracases with the warp previously? Oh, with the warp? With the warp, yeah. The warp is where all the Xenos are, right? The warp is where...

Oh, Bethany. So the warp... Don't bait us into mansplaining Warhammer to you, Bethany. I tried in earnest to learn Warhammer, and I'm like, this is too hard. I'll give you the summary. Beth, I'll say this. What you said is probably a pretty accurate thing

somebody on this planet would say. Because one, even knowing of the warp is pretty much heretical. Heresy. It's heresy at this point, it's heretical. You probably just, at the very least, think that the warp is maybe something equivalent to hell. It is something where bad things come from.

But yes, in Warhammer lore, I mean, the warp is essentially just like the other realm where all the Nergal and the Chaos Gods reside. It's mostly demons in there. Mostly demons, it's also- It's also, we go through this realm to like do faster than light space travel.

Yeah, so like imagine Star Wars when they go like hyperspace, but when they did that, they went to hell for a while. So you just need to fly through hell. Hell is real and wide, that's why there are Inquisitors, because hell is real. Yes. Oh my God, Matt, can I tell you something really quick? Yes, of course.

Okay, so I- Holy father. Holy father. Holy father. I read Zenos. Oh yeah, great. But then I read it and I was like, well, where's Zenos?

And then- And then I didn't find out until I was watching that video that you sent that explained the world. Or no, I actually looked up this video of my own accord, actually. Wow. Yes, I did. Apparently- Now that YouTube channel just had a siren because they found out a woman was video of my own accord, actually. Yes, I did. And apparently- Now that YouTube channel just had a siren

because they found out a woman was watching the video. Apparently. And I found out that Zenos refers to aliens. Yeah. So that's what, you know. So there are three types of heresy in Warhammer. There is Zenos, which is the alien type of heretical disease and hatred.

We hate aliens because I don't, again, let's be clear, the world of Warhammer is a very jingoistic, horrible, fascist state that we live in. So there's- And we support it by playing this game, obviously. Yeah, yeah, but we support it. We say we wish this was what life was like. I condone the philosophies of the Imperial.

I completely, 100% condone everything in Warhammer. Yeah, yeah. And there's Malleus, which is demons, and then Hereticus, which is just heretical humans. Hell is very real. And it's the feeling of no pillow of a person upon which to rest my soul. Just being alone in the universe. Maybe I am the Xenos.

Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! I told you to delete that again. Says, bam, all of you, I must remind you, I promise I would delete everything you ever tell me at any point. If you tell me, if you die, if somebody else asks me a question, it is all deleted. I like to set the servitor into incognito mode. He has a lot of gifts to buy. Sir, if you simply want to watch porn, you can just let me know.

Oh my God, we could use this VPN for a different planet. We'll be able to get all the streaming from the other planets. Everyone is governor. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we should save our planet and find this ship and find this powerful weapon and advance all of our personal ambitions. Excellent. You've decided you would like to go and try to find where this Imperial Guard went. Yes. And real quick, I would also like to find that note that said I should be executed and grab that and crumple it up discreetly. The moment you think of the servitor hears your thoughts and you see it run over to the machine and it picks up the paper in his mouth and goes

nom nom nom nom nom. Mr. Skull, I think this is gonna be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. What the fuck? Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Would you like to step outside? I would, yes. Carefully. What are you gonna do out there? We wanna peek outside and like not just rush outside. Tylaria struts confidently through the door. Okay. An eight year old in power armor comes out

and then three adult heads peek Scooby Doo light outside the door. How many people has Perfector Slop shot at this point? The moment you try to open the door, something's blocking it a little bit. Would you like to peek through Anthony or would you like to kind of push through? We have to push this door open.

Right, I'm really strong so if you don't mind. Would you like to peek through Anthony or would you like to kind of push through? We have to push this door open. Right. I'm really strong, so if you don't mind. Let me roll. Athletics. While Vitamix Blender is doing that, is there a window I could peek through? No, there's a complete windowless room. Does the servitor have like x-ray vision or anything? No, they usually don't.

We could open it up enough of a crack that the servitor could poke its head out and then come back in. So I got three passing, and I got the corgi on my corgi die. The corgi on Beth's wrath die is a successful success. So that means Beth pass her strength check of three, and then you have a whole extra six. So we can talk about the idea of exalted die.

So essentially the idea of this, if you do such a good success, you get enough successes that you can literally remove a six from your roll and still succeed. You can take that six and becomes a magical little piece of currency you can use. You can shift it. It's called shifting in the game.

Now you can shift it to give the whole team a glory point. That's pretty much the only thing you could do here. You can use it to enhance. Or you can use it as a romance point to make Nordstrom fall a little bit in love with Vitamix Blendon. If you do want that as a thing. After seeing how you interacted with your little robot,

I'm on to bigger and better things. Surely not everybody on this planet is dead. Tylo sees this and pats you on the knee and says there's a lot of other fish in this thing. Somewhere deep in her soul, Nordstrom Rack realizes she fumbled the bag. So you kick the door down. You hear a loud snap, like a bunch of firewood cracking

and the door swings open and then tumbling down the stairs is Sloth, who seems as if the brambles and the blood berries have just grown through him, around him. The entire town, all of a sudden all the brambles are about four feet taller. They're inside everybody. Blood berries are-

You've gotten so big. My billions. My invention, my workers. All the brambles are about four feet taller. They're inside everybody. Blood berries are- You got them so big. My parents. Yeah. My invention. My workers. They're all completely frozen still, but you can feel them.

They're breathing. They're going, Ooh. Mother, father. Do you want to go see your mother and father? Yeah. You run over to them and- Oh wait, but is this still dangerous out here?

I mean, I don't give a shit. Well, he ran and nothing happened, so no. I follow in his footsteps. Okay, carefully. Very small steps because it's a child's footsteps. You look at your parents, you can see, what are your parents' names again?

Divinius and Olivia, I think. Divinius and Olivia? Yeah. Were they loving to each other? Oh, Carolinus was her name, sorry. Carolinus and Divinius. And yes, they loved each other as much as is allowed. Okay, so you see them shaking hands.

Oh my God, my parents were having sex. What did you walk in on? And you see them, they're looking into each other's eyes, hands outstretched with a very casual shake. You can't tell where the blood berries begin and where their bodies end. Like their skin literally is like kind of oozing along the branches itself, but they're breathing. They're breathing. When you look at them, you can see that

even though their eyes don't move at all left to right, it does feel like suddenly your mom's eyes snap to you. It doesn't actually move, but you can feel that she's looking at you now and she's breathing. Mother, father, the foul taint of the warp has come to Navus fall. But do not worry, for your most brave soldier, I, Tilerius Andromedus, will eradicate the foul taint of the warp from this planet. Or Exterminatus will kill all of us. Either way, it's a win-win because in the eyes of the Emperor, the warp will be pushed back one inch, and that will be enough for us to have died in the Emperor's Sovas. I kneel before Divinius and Carolinius and I say, fear not, Divinius and Carolinius, you are good workers and in honor of the example you set for this community, I shall mother

the boy. I shall look after him as a mother to a son. I think I'm good. I shall guide him and mold him into a true servant of the emperor in your name and honor. I think I'm fine. You are fine. You are a fine son and I'm proud of you. Oh no. Vitamix looks around like,

oh, is there anybody that isn't frozen on this planet? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Juiciest Lucius runs into his hab and grabs his little invention that he's been working on and squirrels it away in a little synth leather, little nap sack., syntho leather.

Oh good. It's safe. What have my assistant Cedar Sinai? Oh yeah, that's right. The assistant vice governor, my intern that we said I have. You see, do you want to go check your office? Yes. I go check the photocopier. You see, you see copies in warhammer. Cedar is frozen. Embracing the chaos. Cedar is frozen in place, of course,

connected to the rambles. And you see something there at the printing machine. The printa. The printer. The printa. The printa. And you see, you see that there are big. Xerotichus.

Xerotichus. You see the eroticus and in their hands, you could tell what it was clearly a freshly eroticus, the your oxen, erotic, but yeah pamphlet that they had just a xerox. There's some blood and berry juice dripping down a big tell that something was just the rocks co lady to the last a true servant. Open the thing well first, I gently and tenderly shut Cedars-Sinai eyes just like this and then I yeah, I'm gonna look up what's being Xeroxed It's a list of all the things you've been doing wrong. It's It's a whole compilation of why they would be a better

You can see that his eyes are looking at you to I just close those eyes. I they pop open I close the scared. He dropped his dice. Okay, you jump scared will so hard dude governor. It seems wise that we should arm ourselves from the settlement armory. I guess the armory. What manner of weapons do we have in the settlement armory? Whatever you guys gave yourselves is what you have because there's no reason for weapons. I didn't give myself one because I'm a kid. Yeah, I have a las pistol. I have a laser gun. Yeah, it makes sense because your

security, I guess you stole one or something. I was working on it. I was working on tweaking it. There'd be no reason. Here's what here's a broken las gun. I love that. I was literally about to say that every soul. I should have a chance that it like just blows up. I like that. Yeah, I like that. And you have your whip. Oh no, you lost your whip. I did lose my whip, but I do have the governor's last.

Anthony, would you like a weapon? Tilerius would love a weapon. Did the Inquisitor have any loot on him? Ooh, yeah, when he melted, the gun could have fallen off before it melted. Yes, yes, we'll say that. Do you have an Inquisitor pistol? Yes, he was quickly fumbling for his pistol

and it fell off of him before he started decaying everything. I raise, I probably gave you all too much information. fumbling for his pistol and it fell off of him before he started decaying everything. I realize I probably gave you all too much information the night before and it served its purpose. I did also hide where the Imperial soldier ran off to. Oh, the West, the West. Yeah. You know what? It was the West. No, you, you didn't get the message. Wait, hold on. There was like a number aspect of this puzzle. No, you did get the message. Wait, hold on. There was like a number aspect of this puzzle. Six, six, eight, more will come of something like that. I mean, there's nothing for a number now. Let's say don't work. It's like an escape room

when you get a lock and it has four numbers. You gotta find a year somewhere. I know this will start with one nine, so we don't know where this guy land freddy's character. So I pray to the God Emperor to tell us I dropped to my knees and I say God Emperor, Holy Father, guide your peons, your mere peons to find and hunt down this heritage who crashed on our world so that we may better serve you. Juiciest, Lucius comes back in with his knapsack is like remember, I said that he ran West. Thank you, God Emperor. Why is it all things you sent us a messenger? The schoolull, what's his name, Mr. Skull?

Mr. Skull. Mr. Skull says- Great improv, Will, did a good job on that one. Mr. Skull says, luckily, before Gladden to Vague was killed, his memories were downloaded into mine. So I listened to the four- Are you Gladden Vague? No.

But his memories inhabit yours. Yeah, I have many memories for many people, many things, many computers. Not for long. What? You're gonna delete them. I'm gonna fuck those memories right out of your skull. You're gonna delete them. Yes, again, as I've said many times, I promise I will delete all these memories, not just your memories, all the- in fact, I promise, when you are done with this mission, I will fly myself into a sun. No, how about you just delete all your memories after you came to Navus Foll?

Yes, okay, yes. Because it feels like there's a lot of useful stuff otherwise that the Imperial could benefit from. This is why you are the wise one, he says, looking at you. I praised him well. I'm practically a space marine already, oh, I can taste it. I have seen the visions that Gladden Vague saw of the Imperial Guard approaching you and

After some clever puzzle solving myself. I decided He has ran off to the west. Do you want to look westward? Well, let's hold so real quick question in this settlement Yes, like I have to assume there's like a golf card or something Like how are we picking these right? Like are we just by hand and sacks or is there a vehicle of any kind on here? Yeah, we'll be yeah you have like hover carts more or less the governor mobile and the governor mobile. I fixed up the governor mobile. I just changed the oil on that thing. Yeah, okay, just gave it a tune up.

You guys got her cards and I say the average amount of people that go into an area to harvest is four. So you got a little hover carts that perfectly carry four people. Nice. Just fine. Let's take the Governor Mobile. The big transparent box on the back that the governor uses to wave at people. Yeah, we're going to use the Governor Mobile. Use the Governor Mobile.

Now question. Yes. So we saw him going to the west. Yes. Which direction was he coming from? The south. Again, the clever puzzle I solved in my own head is that each cave view, he came from the south to the east and then somebody was in the town?

But actually from the town that came west and if you figured out the four different like Believe so hard in us Three puzzles because I was very curious how much you all will remember, but you don't need Oh, yeah, no, it was a fucking human studies experiment. That's what Matt Matt remember, but you don't need. Oh yeah, no, it was a fucking human studies experiment. That's what Matt was doing. I got with a tried and true dm method, which is the dance puppets dance. He's a real adeptus mechanic is at heart. There you go. So you're all in this governor vehicle, but I'm trying to figure out which way we should go because he ran to the west. Mr Skoll

says yes, look yonder. Mr Skoll looks to the west and you've seen this site pretty often but off in the west Giant columns of flames suddenly shoot out. Oh, he's over there that are about a mile away There's about seven to eight. I mean, I don't know why I was saying seven days or eight Seven nine, whatever you guys want There's eight giant circular fissures on this planet and every couple, it's kind of sporadic, but once a day, every couple days, like all summer's out month,

big fiery columns suddenly shoot out into the atmosphere. Real box buster. Real box buster. So you see giant flames shoot off into the sky towards the west. Oh yeah, the flames, the sky flames. Yeah, what about? In one of your visions, I believe it was Vitam the flames, the sky flames. Yeah. What about in one of your visions?

I believe it was vital mixes or perhaps yours. You don't run. Fine. Let me check. Yeah. It's kind of hard to remember things on a, sorry, I pre-deleted those. I'm being very cautious. Memories from your recycling bin. I could not retrieve memories. They would be the purpose of deleting them. But don't they go into like a recycling bin? And then you empty trash. Yeah, empty trash. And then they're like, are you sure? You fool know much about my workings.

In your vision, he ran west towards giant columns of flames. Okay. But what direction did he run from? What direction was he? Why does that matter? He's going west. Maybe his ship is somewhere else. Do you know what I mean? Oh, he did come in, but maybe he's he run from what direction was he? He did come in but maybe he's going back to his ship he came from the east wait wait Are you trying to get to a ship to escape? Oh? Me yes me you the governor. Are you trying to?

Cowardice in this moment where the ample looks on us with hope and determination I should have with you first my son. Are you gonna fall to in our time of need? Well, I am I want to get off Immediately Tyler is going to lunge Blenders ankles and he's gonna try to tackle the vitamins blended to the ground. You're not trying to damage It's just trying to tackle. Yeah. Just do an athletics then. Beth, you roll an athletics as well. All right. A child versus a security agent.

I mean, I don't know what their stats are. Two successes. I also got two successes. Oh shit. Your move, game master. No, Daya doesn't indeed go to Anthony. So yes, do I need to describe what little Cheeky little bastard.

Tyler does to Minivix. Tyler spends almost all of his free time practicing martial arts moves that he made up for himself, that he like assumed space marines would use. So you see him basically like kick out with one of his armored cardboard bearing feet, and he gets you right in the back of your knee. Or actually he jumps and does it with both feet at the same time.

He kicks out both of your knees from underneath you. So you collapse backward towards him, and he has his legs down near your shoulders and then like Tries to grip your neck in between his two legs and he says you will repent for what you have done. Apologize to the Emperor Good man, maybe you will be forgiven that is not up to me. Okay, and I pick you up Now we now we keep him in the glass cage? We use our words. Cawdous.

Everywhere I turn is Cawdous. Hey, hey, Tyra. Yes? I'm with you. These heretics, they're gonna get us killed. My main man. My dog. My steed.

Well, I don't know about that. I could write Piggyback on you. You and I, we need to forge an alliance against these potential heretics. Because hear me out, when we get off this planet with my invention, yes, we're going to be very wealthy and powerful indeed. True wealth. I'm just saying, I'm just saying that, you know, when you're older, you'll wish you would love more than the Emperor.

True wealth, yes, you're right, true wealth does lie in the service of the Emperor. But consider getting the attention of the Emperor with wealth. I am surrounded by two eggs of society. You will be exalted, Tyler. It's just, you know, all the other stuff, you just kind of phase away and then you really focus on what's important. Tyler Neils and praise to the God Emperor for guidance. Right. Well, youth.

Yeah, put them in the glass cage. I will be meditating on my combat strategies while you cowards drive us closer. That's really good. And we're all proud of the way you're growing up. We're going west, correct? It's up to you, leader. We shall go west. And hot wire the car.

Although I do feel like there's probably something interesting east. I'm just going to put that out there if that's where he's running from. We are following the Hewetic. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Are you traveling west? Are you going to start driving towards the big old fiery things

that I said were there? Oh, governor, governor. Those were to the west, right? Yeah, to the west. You're flying with this little hover thing westward. I really wanna go east, oh well. I mean, you can go east. You're the leader.

We're gonna do a quick jaunt east just for a little bit. Oh my god. Just to see if there's anything cool over there because that's where he was running from. Okay, that's fine. So maybe there's intelligence that way as well, that's all I'm saying. We go east. Do you guys wanna vote?

I would like to go west. West. Vitamix, we've had such history, you and I. Yeah, we have, we've had such history, you and I. Yeah, we have. We have a fair bit. And I don't know, I'm still going to bed alone. I want to go west. Three to one.

Very well. Even though this is not a democracy, democracy does not exist in the Imperium. I guess we'll go west. And then I decided to go west. I have decided we will go west. Very, very wise. Your little hover vehicle, the governor machine, is what the people- The governor mobile.

The governor. The governor mobile, that is you have- The govher craft. The govher craft. The govher craft. Oh, wow. Very good. Very good, govher craft.

That sounds like a wrath point to me, that's what that sounds like. Okay, you get a wrath point. Yay. Wrath point is just for you? Yay. Okay, speeding along on the govher craft Wrath Point is just for you? Yay. Okay. Speeding along on the Gover craft,

Brambles ricocheting across the... Brambles is a good name for a dog. That is a good name for a dog. Across the windshields, you get closer and closer to the first of the giant circular fissures in the ground. It is now essentially just dirt and rock. There's no Brambles left because again, the heat has burned them off.

Okay. You see footprints and they get to the edge of the fissure. Whoa, is the fissure currently blasting or is it? I've been going to say the fires. They usually last for like a few seconds at most, like maybe a minute and they've stopped blasting. And is it like a pit on the other side? Like what is on the other side of the fissure? It is just a giant circular hole. It looks like is there any way

and is it random? Yeah, we'd like to investigate. Is it random when they blast? Yes. Oh no. So you look and you see the footsteps again. Nobody usually comes around these they go to the edge and then they seem like the footsteps just go down like as if the person was just walking straight down the side of this hole. Are the footsteps big? They're how big you like them to be Beth. Do you want the man to have big feet? They're size 13 American shoes. Oh, okay,

wow, that's interesting. He's packing. I have size thirteen. I'm not back. It's a lie. We're in a hovercraft as we've established. Yeah. What happens when you just drive a hovercraft over a pit? It would fall over, crash hover because they're pushing air against the ground. So the moment the ground is gone, they're going to continue to fall like a cool Star Trek repulsor lift thing. No, it's pretty old technology. They have any rope to any rope, any rope so we could climb down. Roads right there.

Well, maybe there's a winch on this thing. Oh, wait, we could just grab some brambles and tie it. And then you all hold reverse. What if we send Mr. Skull down first? Just take a look. Mr. Skull down. Mr. Skull, could you go down there if we send Mr Skull down first? Just take a look. Mr Skull down there. Mr Skull, could you go down there and look and see what's down there? Yes, he can. So Skull, Matt can delete Mr Skull from the very easily.

Now I'm not gonna get rid of Mr Skull. No, wait a second. What kind of technology is in Mr Skull that he can float around? Like, will he just fall like a rock? That's a good question. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on! I mean, assuming it's like, how do servitors float? Yeah, I don't know how far can they fly?

I don't know, that's a good question. Maybe we just all hold onto him and he lowers us down. Oh, he definitely can't hold you. Oh, do you see like little thrusters anti-grav? Yeah, I think they can fly. Tell you what, Mr. Skull will hover over the pit and look down and he says, "'It is very dark.

The footprints continue down the side of the wall. Something feels, and you see him kind of like moving. Like almost getting pulled. Yeah, the skull is almost like getting pulled towards the sides of the wall a little bit. Oh, Mr. Skull, maybe you should come back now. And he pulls up, he goes, it's odd in there. Gravity is odd.

Yeah, there is anti-gravity. They do have anti-gravity. Gravity is odd in there. Gravity's odd in there. Interesting. Well, okay, I throw a rock down the pit. Okay. When you throw the rock,

the trajectory is normal as it's hovering over the pit. And as it starts dropping in the pit, suddenly it's as if gravity is going towards the wall and the rock goes sideways and hits the wall of the pit. And then the rest of the pit. So what we gotta do is we gotta drive very fast. We gotta walk down it or drive. We can drive, we just have to go fast enough

that the back doesn't get hit by the lip when the gravity changes. I say we put the gov of craft into gear and we just step aside and see what happens. No one in it, slowly over the edge. And then if it goes and then we can get back in it. But until then, right? That's a great idea. Okay, are we gonna get back in it? Well, if we just run after it because then that

means gravity works that will be going down the wall by the right. Okay, I guess we should probably like progressively use heavier things. It'd be very stupid to be like, here we go. Tyler starts running. Yeah, I feel very calm. You're running. Yeah, Tyler just starts running. Wait, Tyler, I start running after Tyler. Okay, do you go You're running? Yeah, Tyler just starts running. Wait, Tyler, no. I start running after Tyler. OK, do you go over the edge? Yeah.

You do go over the edge, but you don't feel going over the edge. You're running and you just turn 90 degrees. And as you're running, you just suddenly are running in a giant tunnel. Indeed, it seems like the moment you get over the edge, gravity is shifting downwards as if the edges of this tunnel is now pulling you down. It says fellow sylvans of the of this tunnel is now, you know, pulling you down fellow servants of the appeal.

Okay. And again, the government, the hovercraft down, okay. You're going to drive through the tunnel. Yeah. I jumped back in the cover graph. Do you want to drive quickly or slowly? Oh, we don't have much time until the file comes out again. Yeah. It feels like quickly I turn on the headlights. Okay. There's no headlights on the cover graph, but there are on mr. Schole and he has two giant eyes. He goes, ah, light. Can we make him the hood ornament on the cover graph?

So you start driving down this tunnel. It is burnt rock, almost a perfect cylinder. You're driving straight down it. And then all of a sudden there's just like- You know what's a perfect cylinder? What? My dick. Perfect.

Wow. Up ahead. It's like 13 shoes. It just ends What? My dick. Perfect, wow. Up ahead. It's like 13 shoes. It just ends completely flat. Yeah. Like a perfect cylinder. Up ahead, almost a straight line.

Your dick is huge, but it ends in perfect plastic. He's gonna eat the whole of your life. He has a huge dick. End circumcision now. It's a perfect cylinder of rock, and up in the distance you can see the lights are suddenly reflecting. It looks like there's a straight line, and all of a sudden there's a metal, and it looks like there's a perfect cylinder of rock and up in the distance you can see the lights are suddenly reflecting it looks like there's a straight line and all of a sudden there's metal and it looks like this a little cone going towards a smaller

point. Waze guns out gentlemen. Oh Mr. Skull could you go check that out please? Yes of course. So you're saying that as we're going towards it it becomes like it converges into a little point. Yes. Tyler's gonna go out with the server. Vitamix put the hand on Tyler shoulder is like Tyler Um, I know you're really enthusiastic But I'm the security guy I know that I got other priorities. Just said you wanted to leave the planet. Yeah on the ship Yeah, I said it but um, I just your coward and a hewittick and the gimbal will deal with you in time

Just say behind me alright alright alright alright Alright, I see Vitamix is a nice masculine role model for you young man And you blew it but but but no not my dad now following this my dad is back in Navis Beacon sucking blambos through his jaw because you idiots couldn't stop the, quit the, oh my dad. And he ran and Tyler burst into tears. Oh Tyler.

Oh no. Nordstrom, Nordstrom. And he immediately tries to shake it off and go, no, the mission, the mission must take priority. Okay, so you're running into the cylinder? Yeah, a long time ago. In the back, I go to Nordstrom. Nordstrom appears you've lost all your friends,

but I have an investment, but I have a bit of what I like to call an investment opportunity. Why don't you try my personal air conditioning device? Your what? My personal air conditioning device. My back. Have you been doing this like on company time? No, no.

This is on my. This is one of the three hours when we're sleeping. You're supposed to be sleeping so that you can get up and harvest blood berries. Oh, that's why the quota's been low. Very well, I guess I'll keep. You don't have time for your damn hobbies, man. I guess I'll keep my personal conditioning device to myself, Jesus Christ.

Who was that? Jesus Christ, who's that? Are you all of your brain? Are all of you running towards the cylinder? Yep. Okay, the cylinder seems to be converging, almost like it's a funnel. So you start climbing. You reach the tip towards the cylinder? Yep. OK, the cylinder seems to be converging, almost like it's a funnel. So you start climbing.

You reach the tip of the cylinder. Yes, you start climbing up the tip of the cylinder. You get to the little hole where there's a funnel. Do you want to crawl through it? How big is it? Big enough that you can crawl. Is it like a servitor skull-sized hole? Yeah, servitor skull can go through it.

I mean, it's big enough for you to crawl through it. Could you take a peek on the other side for us? Tyler's going to go with him because I was just so you know if the file goes off again, it's gonna incinerate everybody who's not in this hole. Oh, very well. Let's go. I as governor, I say we all go through the hole now. I'm just so understand is it still in the hole funneled down and we're actually crawling down into the earth. Yeah, but I mean, well,

sucking us to the side. I mean, well, you're sideways. But the gravity's sucking us to the side. You got it, got it. I mean, you're going closer and closer to the center of this rock. Dude, this is what the Paul Giamatti movie sideways was about. Pfft. You start crawling through this hole. It's just enough for a single file one at a time.

What's the order that you're all going in? Tyloius first. I'm second. I'll be going. After you. After you, I insist. And then after you. I know the governor is always first in, last out.

Fucking asshole, I go in. As you're crawling, you begin to smell like something's beginning to burn, and you hear almost like a lighter beginning to light up. To your right, there's a little opening, almost like another cylinder is connecting to this one, the little T-section, the ventilation shaft that you're climbing in, and you see a service hatch,

and it says, engine service hatch, to the right, and you see a service hatch, and it says engine service hatch to the right, and you hear the snapping of a fire again. Which direction is it coming from? To the right. To the right, it's coming from the service hatch? The service hatch is to the right, and if you look straight down, you begin to see a little bright light,

like fires about to come. This is one of those Elden Ring fire tunnel things where you gotta jump to the side so that you don't get zorched by the wall of flames. So do you wanna get into the service hatch before the fire comes? Yes. The servitor walks up and goes,

ah, yes, the service hatch, it has a passcode. It was a passcode that you all heard pieces of flame. So do you want to get into the service hatch before the fire comes? Yes. The servitor walks up and goes, ah, yes, the service hatch. It has a passcode. There was a passcode that you all heard pieces of previously. I will now solve the puzzle myself. Mm. Wait, no, no, no. We can do it. We can do it.

Six and nine and seven, two, three. Mine is all between seven and three. All between seven and three. Mine was just 63. I'm pretty sure mine was six, seven, eight, and then something comes after. I had a six and a nine, and then something about seven and three.

We're not gonna be able to solve this. Just read the things, yes! Okay, yeah, let's solve the puzzle then. Beth, you heard he was running into the field to the east, and he was mumbling 63, six and three. Freddie, you heard all is between seven and three. Will, you heard they all have numbers six to nine. This might only be for Warhammer nerds, that one you heard they all have numbers six to nine. This might only

be for warhammer nerds that one, but they all have one, but one of them has two. They have seven and three. They all have numbers six to nine. They all have one. Anthony's glue is seven nine eight, but what comes and three, seven, nine, eight. They all have numbers six through two minutes before we burn between seven and three. So that means the last stage is probably a three. So it feels like it's different numbers. It's like a combination. Is it combination?

Eight, six, three. Yes. Sorry. It's before the nerdy stuff. So there's four chaos gods and they all have sacred numbers, nine, eight, seven, six, but then Nergal has two numbers, seven and three. Oh great. Oh my god.

Is Slynessh six and nine? No, Slynessh is just six. Which one's 420? None of them. What? Okay, the service hatch opens. I'm taking everybody. Anthony, Tyler, you slip in and now in

order I'm going to increase the difficulty because you know begin to see fire coming towards this tube at any point Anthony be such as you get a D close the door if you want but people you leave behind a hundred percent to die so I give you that power. Give me that power. Oh my god. Tilarius looks back at this band of brigands and cowards and heretics and he says,

the Emperor has given me a gift this day. And he closes the house. No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! I don't know how to give that to Andy. So here's what happens as you close the door, you look around and you see you are in the maintenance shaft and it is some sort of engine room to some starship. You are in some sort of starship. Okay. You three, I'll give you a few moments to-

Toy Story moment, we all hug each other. You guys are so funny. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm starship. Okay. You three, I'll give you a few moments to... Toy Story moment, we all hug each other.

He touched the face. I'm going to say it now. When I said you blew it, it was really me. I didn't notice until right now that nothing matters except love. Do you want to make out? Yes! We make out.

The server desk goal's looking at you, he's like, you do have the code. You can try to open the door. And be stronger than this child. Who was behind? Who was behind? You were?

Okay, do you remember the code? Seven, nine, eight, six, three. This is like hiking on Everest. It's your choice. So now the two of them have to hope that you indeed open this door. Yeah. I can fucking do it. So Tyler's got his back up against the door. You're trying to reprogram it. Do you want to try to convince Tyler slash

Anthony to let you in? I realize I'm in love. Yes, we the Emperor. I realize that nobody matters except for the Emperor. I love that I can't ever see him. I love long distance relationships and I was thinking that I would devote my life to him. There is a persuasion skill. Well, I have better strength than persuasion. I'll let Beth roll. Beth gets a chance to roll. So I'll roll my strength as well. have a better strength than persuasion. I will let Beth roll. Beth gets a chance to roll.

So I'll roll my strength as well. You're rolling your strength as well. Beth, you have three wrath points. What did you get? I got no successes. Oh. I got three successes in a core game. Wow.

Shit. Sorry, guess the podcast can't be funny. Shit. Shit. Okay, Vitamix pushes the door open. Hilarious, he's come in and goes, oh, the god empor must have chosen you to be spelled. Close the door behind you.

And hold it tight. I close the door. What? We just made out. OK. It was such an unsatisfying kiss that you're like, I do love the emperor now more than anything. It was your rum spring from the emperor.

Yeah. You and Nordstrom, I'll let you each roll a strength check. You two roll a strength check. Wait, did you really close the door? Yeah. You two now roll a strength check against you two. Yep. All right, Vinny fix.

It's like we're combining them, right? I got three successes and a corgi. I got one success. We cancel each other out, one success. You need to roll better than three successes. And a critical on the wrath die. Oh shit. I have one strength point.

Okay, so it's not possible, right? I have two wrath points. You could burn them, you could burn them, dude. No, there's nothing you can't beat them. What about the servitor? Servitor's in here with in here with me so you too got a one on my dice roll so yeah Vitamix and Tyler push the service hatch closed and here listening to the struggles of your I guess just to compatriots behind. I'm not listening, I'm talking. I'm like, yes, you lead me on. I'm going to fix, I'm going to fix.

I will cut to you guys' second. The serval's call goes, oh, well, you two are quite ruthless, the emperor does. Wait, did the servitor make it through? Yeah, he was in front. Yeah, he was in front. I was right behind him. Mr. Skull, open the door.

I am not strong enough to open the door. There's nothing I can do. Blow yourself up and kill them. Mr. Skull, I have good news. Was right behind him I am NOT strong enough to open the door Kill them mr. Skull I have good news Blow yourself up and kill them it can't do that it can start trying to kill us I can't really kill you're telling me these fucking Imperium got they don't have a self-destruct mechanism Hey, yes, they're final. You know I want that I want to blow the door up so that I can get through. It does not have any way to blow up a door. It is just a skull with little thrusters and little scribes and pens and shit. I can't blow the door.

I can write you a poem real quick. What it can't do... You can ask us some recipes. Okay, Mr. Skull does hear you. So this is what happens. This is the timing. This is what happens. Mr. Skoll, having come into this room, is just kind of flying around and analyzing everything.

He's kind of freaking out a little bit. And you hear him muttering something about Space Hulk. A Space Hulk? A ship? This whole planet? We're in a ship? But when he hears your command, Nordstrom, he is going to kind of snap out of it,

turn really sharply and look right at you two, Vitamex and Taylor. And he's indeed going to listen to you, Will, and he's going to fly straight at them, trying to, I don't know, attack them or hit them with a skull or whatever it is. You have a very small chance of it hurting one of them. You can go ahead and try to swat it away if you want. I have my backup against the door. I'll just take out my last pistol and shoot at it.

Okay. Ballistics plus agility, I believe. Oh bro. Three successes. I'm going to roll my weapon skill, which I get seven dice. And I also got three successes. So Mr Skull, the exposition piece as well. You've discarded Mr Skull, can I get some head? And then you realize that Vitamix might not be a good person. You succeeded so well that you shoot Mr. Skull in the head

that causes him to spin off course and he is sliced in half by, what do you have Beth? Do you have a gun also? I actually use my knife. Okay, yeah, you slice Mr. Skull in half and his last words are deleted and it dies. Beth, do you have a gun also? I actually use my knife. Okay, yeah, you sliced Mr. Skull in half. No, no. And his last words are deleted. And it dies.

We're inside the tube with you two now. Okay, to shoot their gun and swing their knife, they took their hands off the door. No, my back's up against it. I'm bracing myself with my feet. Your back's up against it, but you're not pushing against it. Yeah, I am. I have my feet braced.

You could hold the door closed with your feet. Okay, well Beth can't swing a knife without taking a step forward. After it was flying at me, I just skewered it, man. All right. I just fucking skewered it. I'm gonna give you each one desperate last move to do. I personally, as Holy Father, DM, friend,

and fellow player have absolutely no idea what you could do to make you not die as much as I wish it could. I am hoping you two can think of something that can convince you. I mean, we could just do another strength check. I'm going to run to the hovermobile and activate my personal air conditioning unit, which is, I will note now, revealing to all of you, that asteroid, bro,

that asteroid carried foul warp crystals. At least you're gonna die slightly temperate. And I'm activating my thing. I'm like, invention, don't fill me mouth. Like they say in Lots of Weed and Billionaire, is that your final answer? That is what you've chosen to do. Okay, Will.

So, Frase ran off to the government raft. The government raft. And you see light is flowing through the tunnel and yes, the fire is coming towards you. Betrayed by her son, and the only man she ever loved, Nordstromrack realizes that only an act of true faith can save her.

Oh, okay. So she decides to walk into the flames and count on the grace of the Holy Father, the God Emperor himself to spare her. This is what the Adeptus Serortus do and it works for them sometimes. Yep, it does. Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.

The flames come, an engine turns on. These engines are like 10 times Apollo engines. Like these are, you guys were walking through something that is just a mile long. You don't roll anything. You walk towards the flames and tell me your last words. So, Nordstromrack shuts her eyes and walks towards the heat and says,

love the emperor for he is the salvation of mankind. Obey his words where he will lead you into the light of the future. Heed his wisdom where he will protect you from evil. Whis will lead you into the light of the future heat his wisdom for he will protect you from evil whispers Your God No, there's just nothing It's very hard to see depth that's why you got swings open the door

That's why you can't sit on a train track. Vita makes swings open the doors like, beautiful roads. All right, all right. Tylarious dives out of the way. The door that's about to get engulfed in flame. Do you do that? What if I do? OK.

One second, so fine. This is the hardest we've ever made it for the DM, and this is Matt's second time ever DMing. Freddie. Yeah. You're on the cover. I'm running. This is the hardest we've ever made it for the DM and this is Matt's second time ever DMing Yeah Freddy Yeah Um You're on the cover I'm running on my invention

Don't film me now Explain to me what you're doing So I'm just getting into the cover craft and juicing it back the way we came While I'm activating and turning this air conditioner device I have on my belt To full power, Matt. 100%. In fact, I even pry up the knob and I manually pull it even farther than it passed 100%

and it's vibrating with the dark. It's vibrating, it's working, it's feeling cool in there. And it's vibrating with the dark energy of the warp, Matt. The warp. Because there are warp crystals in there and I go, yeah. Yeah, so it's feeling cool Invention don't fail me now

If the fellow citizens of Navus can see, what they do see is giant columns of fire shooting out into the sky, which you now recognize as the fuel exhaust of a giant, giant spaceship. Beth, you said that you opened the door. Look, I heard beautiful words. I thought there was love for me. I'm sorry, Matt.

Is it fucking illegal to fucking fall in love? No, here's what I'm gonna do. I was just thinking that maybe somebody would fucking care about me. No, it's not illegal. No cop is pulling you over. Nobody's stopping you from happening. But fire doesn't have... Fire doesn't have most. Fire doesn't care about your feelings. Somebody in the universe would give a solitary fuck about me.

So what happens is... This is the Warhammer universe. I'm going to let... The difference is gonna be this is I'm going to let Anthony roll an agility test. Okay. You obviously are not because you open the door. Anthony roll an agility test. I mean, I because you open the door. Anthony, roll an agility test. I mean, I didn't open the door and still like dodge. And there's no safety mechanism that doesn't allow the door to be open. There really should be.

I said that. Do I roll athletics? I would have said yes, but then I clearly explain that that's what I would have done. But then Beth decided that she still wanted to open the door and I don't want to tell her no. So she decided to open the door. Okay, so I'm athletics. Yeah, It's a corgi and a six. So four successes and a critical wrath success.

Okay, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to roll damage to both of you. Okay. Because fired. I mean, it's just a small little, uh, damage. Don't worry. Roll fire damage. What is each of yours resilience? Five. Five? Five. And how many wounds do you have? Max wounds is six for me. Oh, max wounds three.

I'm a sensitive soul. I'm rolling 10 dice. Jesus. Matt's disappointed, that means we lived. Yeah, so what happens is you open the door and you screw over your words to Nordstrom. Come back, comestrom. Come back. Come back.

Oh no. So you say come back and and flames, flames burst into your little small maintenance chamber and it fills the entire room and you both get flashburned, because it's just, and it's in and out. You both take two wounds. Lock, you stand up, and you find yourself alone. Blimey, why did that happen? (*laughing*)

Behind you, you see the hatch that you shut on your friends has fused. The lens is kind of on your friends has fused and melted shut. There is no way back. The lights around you flicker. In front of you, a large metallic door slides open and shut, damaged from the blast. Blood is smeared along the handle, clearly from the guardsman that you were searching for. But before he left the room, he spent some of his blood painting the same symbol he showed

you, the same symbol that somebody slipped into Northam's pocket. The eight-pointed star in honor of chaos, a sin against the Emperor and a sign of certain death to all those who see it. I... I was gale-ed. Daddy Hammer by Daddy Hammer by Daddy Hammer by Daddy Hammer by Daddy Hammer by Daddy Hammer Dad Hammer is Matt Arnold as our God Emperor DM, Anthony Burch as Tilerius Andromedus, Will Campos as Northstrom Rack, Beth May as Vitamix Blendar, and myself Freddie Wong as Juiciest Lucius. Theme song by Max and Waller, Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Ashley Nicolette is our community manager, Courtney

Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager, Estrellis is our lead editor and Travis Reeves provides additional editing. The rest of this series will be on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads where you can find the other mini series we've done, some of which obliquely tie into the main feed storyline, others of which are just, well I don't know how I would describe the Star Wars one, Gungans and Daddies, all that jizz. Other than, let's just say, it lives up to the title. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads, thanks for listening, thanks for supporting us, and

season 3 will continue November 5th. We will see you then. I'm so Eisenhorny. You're such a Horus heresy. She's siege on my terrap. Until I... Who up? I'm the one who's going to be the one to die. I'm the one who's going to die. I'm the one who's going to die. I'm the one who's going to die. I'm the one whony. You're such a Horus heresy. She siege on my Tarot. Eyes in

their horn. She eyes in my horn until I Xenos. Come for the come good.