Dungeons and Daddies - BONUS: Kingdom Dad Monster - Ep. 1 - Founding Fathers

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

Join us for a special Patreon bonus episode as we journey into the dark mysterious fantasy world of Kingdom Death Monster, a boutique settlement roleplaying miniatures game that Matt spent way too much money on. Four survivors awaken from their dreamless sleep, fight their first horrific monster, and start their first settlement in a desperate attempt to bring light to an infinite darkness. Check out the visuals for this episode here!CW: Violence, Profanity, Sexual ContentListen to all three Kingdom Dad Monster episodes on Patreon now by becoming a supporter!Check out our tour dates! The Areas Tour (ft. Taylor Swift) is coming to Saint Paul, MN, Milwaukee, WI, Chicago, IL, Indianapolis, IN , Detroit, MI, The Caverns in Pelham, TN, Atlanta, GA, New York, NY, Philadelphia, PA, and Boston, MA!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! All characters played by Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold), Will Campos (@willbcampos), Freddie Wong (@fwong), and Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Brian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, is hitting the road this summer from May 31st through June 14th. We're doing part two of our US live tour. I came up with the name for this one. It's called the Areas Tour. Dungeons and Daddies, the Areas Tour, feet Taylor Swift. We're hitting the road again. Midwest and East Coast states on sale. Tickets are available now. We're starting up in St. Paul, Minnesota. We'll go to Milwaukee, Chicago, Indianapolis, Detroit, Pelham, Tennessee, Atlanta, New York,

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Finally they did it daddy Free promo code daddy. That's oxio.oxio.ca promo code daddy at checkout Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Cozy. It's a Canadian company They design furniture made for modern living. For modern Canadians. But wait, you said there, but modern living, you said it's in Canada though. Yeah. The Canadians, Matthew, I will not stand for this. I will not stand for this. The Canadians

are far, like you look at the amount of condos going up in Toronto right now, bro. Cozy offers beautiful, customizable sofas and sectionals that are made to adapt in time. You can add stuff to it. It's modular. You can build it out. You can use it over time. Cozy, bring Canada into the 20th century. No, that's not what I'm saying. Cozy also offers a great range of coffee tables, washable rugs, wall shelving, credenzas, TV stands, and accessories. They're designed- See, a TV zone. No, no, no. When design is first, your Cozy focused on the customer experience to make sure the product is easy to assemble, elegant, and durable. They're made to adapt to their customers' needs in time, so it's like you can grow out!

If you need more furniture, you need to grow out the sectional, your space is rearranged, Cozy's got you covered. Add a couple more logs to that cabin. But also, while the whole time, that's not furniture, stunning and timeless. It's not just stuff that you put inside, they got outdoor sofas and tables as well. The table collection is called the Mistral. They got high quality, again, modular sofa. Sectionals made for outside living. Aluminum frames designed to resist saying weather and the cushions are waterproof.

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Store be so seductive if you're in the yyz go and visit their furniture store on Queen Street You don't have to do it online like the rest of the Canadians. Transform your living space today with Cozy. Visit Cozy.ca, spelled C-O-Z-E-Y.C-A. Start customizing your furniture today! You're about to hear episode one of an ongoing series we're doing on our Patreon entitled Kingdom Dad Monster, where we play Matt's copy of the cult classic survival horror board game Kingdom Death Monster.

It's like Dark Souls meets Stardew Valley with a healthy dose of cannibalism, a little settlement building, a little crunchy combat and roleplay, and a whole lot of... well, something. I mean, you'll see. If you head on over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads, you can access the visual accompaniment for this episode. Miniature painter nerds love this game because of the detailed monsters they get to paint. And Matt, of course, has painted all the monsters and minis we use.

And his deft brushwork must be seen to be believed. Episodes 2 and 3 are available now on our Patreon. If you want to keep on listening, a new episode of Kingdom Dad Monster are showing up every month on the Patreon. It's not just that, it's a whole bunch of other bonus series and extra audio and video content on there. Patreon supporters also get ad-free episodes too. And everyone talks about the cool content, nobody talks about the ad-free episodes, just saying. The Patreon has been a great place for us to experiment with different RPG systems, so

if you find yourself hankering for more, sate your appetite by supporting us directly on patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Also if you haven't heard, we're going on tour once again this summer covering the Midwest and the East Coast. Join us for Dungeons and Daddydies the areas tour feet Taylor Swift Where the season one dads once again embark on randomized shenanigans a new scenario every night No script no planning bring your seats to the full and upright position and lock and stow away your tray tables because we're flying By the seat of our pants take it some more at dungeonsanddaddies.com sit back and enjoy episode 1 of Kingdom Dad Monster

at dudgesanddads.com, sit back and enjoy episode one of Kingdom Dad Monster. Hey everybody, welcome to the first episode, maybe the only episode, this is a little bit of experimental sea of Kingdom Dad Monster, where the four boys here are going to play a board game called Kingdom Death Monster, not Kingdom Dad Monster, it's called Kingdom Death Monster. Just a little fun flavor.

We like to impart. From time to time. It was just contractual, I think we had to put dad in everything, so it was just Kingdom Dad Monster. It's a fun flavor. Just a little fun flavor. Because you don't want to guess at the time. It was just contractual. I think we have to put dad in everything. So it's just Kingdom Death Monster. It's a branding thing. It's a branding thing. For those of you who don't know, Kingdom Death Monster

is a very large, weird niche board game that started on Kickstarter, broke all these records. But the most important thing to know is that Matt Mercer loves it. That's right. The better Matt loves Kingdom Death Monster as well. Matt tested, Matt approved. Yes.

Both important Matt's in the world love it. Matt Gates also loves it weirdly. Matt. I was racing to find out that, Matt, and then you beat me to the punch. We've played this game a few times before. We love it. We're hoping that's going to be interesting to listen to.

We're hoping that's going to be so fun to listen to, it'll force us to finally complete this fucking game. Just like in Dungeons and Dragons, he's made us play Dungeons and Dragons. Exactly. But just a quick overview of the type of game it is. Hit it with the setting first. Just like in Dungeons and Dragons, he made us play Dungeons and Dragons. Exactly. But just a quick overview of the type of game it is. Hit with the setting first.

It's completely dark except for one source of light. That's right. What is the setting, Anthony? We're in a world of darkness, completely filled with horrors beyond our comprehension, except for one lantern that we have amongst the four of us. And the only thing that we can see the glimmer of the lantern, the only thing that it illuminates is an infinite floor of stone faces human faces as the entire world of Kingdom Death Monster

I'm looking at the board now there's a bunch of little fucking faces It's kind of like a weird dark fantasy It kind of reminds me a little bit of like kind of Dark Souls vibes a little bit If you combine Dark Souls with Monster Hunter with civilization, that's what you get Yes, so we are going to play kind of a civilization So we will be kind of bouncing around between characters But this civilization your only means of survival is going on the hunt of these strange dangerous So we have to leave the monsters of the nice exactly the face light the face light exactly

Leave the light and go into the dark and find our monsters to kill and consume and eat and now Matt these monsters Yes, how from a scale of 1 to 10? How freaky are they? Okay, so this is the real love of Kingdom We will definitely show pictures and stuff when we post this the first monster you fight is a lion. It's white It's a little bit weird, but the monsters like it's a Caucasian monster Monster it's pretty weird. The monster design in Kingdom Death Monster is truly unhinged. Picture Dark Souls with more fingers and hands coming out of orifices. The creatures in Dark Souls that they saw the monsters in Kingdom Death Monster would run away scared of the monsters in Kingdom Death.

You ever see nipples and been like, there should be fingers coming out of these. Fingers and teeth. The creator of Kingdom Death Monster, our Lord and Savior Adam Poots, is truly an unhinged genius and he puts his fetishes and his loves and his green... He puts his whole pootsy in there. He puts his whole Ariana sleeve out there and clearly he is aroused, scared of hands because hands will just appear on monsters coming out of their butts, coming out of their eyes, everything will be hands. It's like the Final Fantasy character designer who fucking puts buckles on everything. He's like that and then goes with fingers. Buckles?

It's also the most sexual monster design since Alien. The beauty of Alien is- It's psychosexual. It's psychosexual, but that he has the same sort of like, there's genitals on all these monsters. Not like they have genitals, but they are made out of genitals. Made out of genitals.

They are sentient penises and boobs. And we'll post pictures of these miniatures because Matt has, of course, taken to painting these miniatures. This has been an ongoing project for you because they keep coming out with expansions. There's more miniatures. It's a horny, weird game.

We've always loved it when we played it, but we've never been able to get through a campaign. The strength of it, hopefully, that will come through in this is the emergence storytelling, both in the combat but in the world building and the settlement phase. It's just throwing out a lot of trolley problems and a lot of weird decisions you make as a group. And the humor coincides with the horror.

It's the best board game I've ever played in terms of emergent storytelling. Because you're not just determining how your civilization builds equipment and stuff. You're also determining, is it okay to eat people? Is it okay to murder people that are weak? What do you do if you're dead? Yeah.

Do we bury them? Do we consume them? Or do we have food? We don't know, but like honestly the game will give you a lot of options and it has ramifications down the line. We've talked about it enough. Now, Chapter 1. Once upon a time there was a... I've been reading so many baby

books to my credit. Give me the fucking gravitas, dude! Once upon a time there was a place of carved stone faces. A man with a lantern lay sleeping, a dreamless sleep. The man knew nothing. Turn the page. One day the man woke up. He rubbed the dried ink caked over his eyes and opened them.

Around him he saw other people stirring. And beyond, a horizon of unbroken darkness. I forgot we have ink on our eyes for opened them. Around him, he saw other people stirring, and beyond, a horizon of unbroken darkness. Yeah, I forgot we have ink on our eyes for some reason. Very cool. A woman approached the man with the lantern. Her soft hand reached out to him. They had no words. They were a mystery to each other. Suddenly, a monster emerged from the darkness! Its eyes wild with hunger and attack!

Oh no! The people were no match for the monster. It tore their flesh and crushed their bones between its teeth Some it devoured hole devoured their holes overcome with terror and grief The man with the lantern collapsed to the ground cold stone noses pushed into his side there was no escape But the man did not want to die desperately grasping at the cold stone faces, he felt a crack and tore it with all and tore at it with all his might. A piece of stone

came free came. It was sharp and deadly. Whoa, this guy's got crazy eyes on this page. The man with the lantern scrambled to his feet, his weapon clenched in his fist. He took a deep breath and roared into the darkness. Somewhere in the place of stone faces, nameless men and women stand together. Women. They have nothing but a need to survive and a lantern to light their struggle. Hell yeah.

All right. That's it. That. That's right. So all we have, so now we are these four survivors that have just awakened with no words and we are on this board and there is in front of us a white lion. And the only weapon we have is a lantern in our hands and fragments of stone faces that we have that are sharpened like knives. And that's all we got. Cool. Let's kill this lion. Let's kill this knives. And that's all we got. OK.

Cool. Let's kill this lion. Let's kill this lion. I think the lion attacks first. Yeah. Anytime this game wants to do something mean or nice, it almost always chooses the mean things. Like D&D has the rule of cool.

Like whatever's coolest wins. This game, I think it's literally like whatever's meanest to the players. That's what you do. Also, to paint a picture of the board, it's like a big grid board. There's roughly 12,000 little doodads and goo gahs we got to keep track of. there's little chips and tokens.

Let's take a picture of this setup. Matt has these four big, like they look like cardboard mixing boards. They've got knobs on them. They're balsa wood boards to cut down a lot of the bookkeeping, because the game's got a lot of bookkeeping. Oh, here's the first thing we do, let's paint a picture, is that we are these survivors. We have our boards in front of us. We must give these survivors names and choose who we are. I want to be this cool girl right here. Okay, what's her name? Mama Daddy.

Mama Daddy. When you name your character, you get a survival point. Oh yeah, yeah. Instantly, like just simply having the identity of who you are gives you a bit of a will to survive. Well, what's all your names? I'm gonna be this one and they're gonna be called Beth. That's Beth's gonna time.

Kingdom Beth Monster. Kingdom Beth Monster. Oh shit, that's better. It's Kingdom Beth Monster. She said she might wanna cover like narrate and stuff. My guy. It's called Boof-O. Boof-O?

Boof-O. Three O's. Boof-O? Boof-O. Wait, B-O-O-O? B-O-O-F-O. Okay. So not three O's and F-O.

And this is my guy, Daddy Mama. D-A-D-I. I, so not three O's and F-O. And this is my guy, Daddy Mama. D-A-D-I. I feel like we got that from like we pointed, like we were learning language and I'm like, Mama. And you're like, Daddy, I'm like, Mama Daddy. Dude, no joke. I'm like, best. Me poofa, what up boys?

I'm trying to teach Andy to say Dada right now and I will literally look him straight in the eyes and go, Dada, and he goes, Mama He's just like I don't care I don't care where's mom. I'm going to spin this monster to see who makes out with it. Matt is spinning it and looking at will. Daddy mama. Okay so the monster does its first attack I will draw its AI card that's That's right. This game uses AI art Opposite of AI art. This is one insane genius constantly making everything the monster is going to lunge at you and attack And here's how it is going to damage you will is going to roll. By the way. Yeah, there's dice involved Oh, yeah

Don't worry, and I'm however crunchy you think it is when this is edited just know there's about five thousand more dice that we edited out. This is a crunchy dice game. They both are going to hit you. We met. Do I get interrupt with a reaction? Can I start anything I can do a new bird? I just to give a general idea of how the gameplay goes is that every attack you roll certain number of D tens and then if that D ten gets a certain amount,

it counts as a wound towards us players. What will be important as time goes on, where a lot of the thematic fun of this comes, is that Will is going to roll dice that have little symbols that represent parts of our bodies. That's where we put our armors, our head, our feet, and whatnot, and he can't decide, the damage goes to those parts of the body,

and as that part of the body gets more damaged, things will happen. You will lose limbs, you will throw up your stomach, you will not be able more damage, like things will happen. Like you will lose limbs. Yikes. You will throw up your stomach. You will not be able to eat anymore. Like things will happen as it goes. So this monster did two wounds on you. So now you're going to roll two dice.

My wound dice. To see where they hit. I rolled legs and body. Okay. So now two of these did one damage each. So what you're going to do is you're going to decide. I mean, this is America's each one is one damage so for your body we all came with a piece of cloth which is one damage so you can protect your body with damage

your now I'm neck oh you're this for waste it's for waste we're wearing morning cloths nevermind so both your body and your legs take light damage okay so do I check it says like these are little dials and just turn your body and your leg to L for light take some L's once you've lost all your armor You eventually then do light damage to that body part and then heavy damage If you take more than heavy damage you start getting severe wounds Which we roll on a big table and crazy stuff happens to your body. Okay now each of us can go. Ow Ow, I got bit now. Does daddy mama get to wreak his vengeance?

What do I do? Okay, so you're gonna roll dice based off of, the only weapon you have is your founding stone. And the founding stone has two speeds, that means you roll two dice. And then every seven or above will count as a hit. Okay, I roll. One in the four!

One in the four! No hits. Okay, I'm going to go next. I am going to move, what's our distance? Five. Five? One, two, three, four, five, six. I'm going to go next. I'm going to move, what's our distance? Five. Five. One, two, three, four, five, six. I'm going to do the action where I'm going to actually

throw away my founding stone as a missile. I will no longer have it because I'm going to assume that we'll get weapons later and I want to fight this until the thing quickly. And you can sling this stone from anywhere on the board. Anywhere on the board is one automatic hit then flicks a critical wound. So, boom.

I throw the stone. It's gone forever. I shall roll a hit location and I get a critical hit automatically. I hit its soft belly. And debilitating blow to the soft belly. Critical wound! Gain one random lion resource.

This is not a game for people who don't think you should kill animals. This is not a vegan game. We slowly consume all the elements of this creature. Can you sword on board game geek by vegan? Like vegan games? Do they have those? No.

I've seen guides for like, here's how to play Minecraft as a vegan, and those are kind of fun. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Gentlemen, I got a lion claw. It is a razor sharp retractable claw. We will make weapons with that later.

And because it was a critical wound, the persistent injury organ trail, the white lion's intestines hang from the wound on its gut Dragging on the floor at the start of every monster turn before draws an AI card Well 1d 10 on a result of one the monster suffers a wound So it can constantly just keep getting hurt now the way this game works that I think is really fascinating is that you have this deck That's its AI deck which decides all the moves it does when you do a wound There's no wound tracker the wound tracker is you remove an AI card.

So you're not only wounding it, you're reducing the number of actions it has, almost like the creature is getting dumber and more frantic and angrier. So as the game goes on, it has the ability to do less and less things. So. And that's this HP.

One, the deck is gone, it's dead. Yes, yes. So this creature started with eight AI cards, so once we do eight wounds, it will die. Okay. Interesting. I can go next, I'm just gonna move up. once we do eight wounds, it will die. Okay, interesting I can go next. I'm just gonna move up one two, three, four five Give me a little color when you say that so I'm going to slink like in the Duran Duran hungry like the wolf video I'm gonna get on all hands and knees because I'm a sexy character on Beth

I'm the best link up behind this creature whose butt is just like moving your hands around like talking Yeah, I'm eating sour Patch kids and doing all that classic Beth stuff. Classic Beth moves. And I'm going to get behind him and go, uh, you hate to see it. Ha ha ha ha. My move, I too will do the same thing, but less cool.

Ha ha ha. Like, more like bofa. Like bofa. No, no, boofa. Boofa. Boofadeez nuts. Boofo. Boofo.

Boofadeez nuts. First, before the creature even attacks, we will roll its dice to see if its intestines like just drag on the floor and hurt itself. It did not. It got two. He's angry, but nothing happened there. Chomp, pick a target.

Facing, it's facing you. Will is facing daddy, mama, so it's gonna attack you again. Move and attack. So it's going to roll one die. It will hit on a two plus. Hey! It missed!

It missed! Nevermind! Nevermind, two plus it would have been bad because it would have only hit your head no that seems like part of your body you need yeah oh and just if it's not clear our characters can die permanently in this game and you can lose this campaign permanently yeah you actually lose this campaign in the pro-lock directly the game is super hard and exciting at all times. It's true. It's our turn. All right, so now I get to go again.

You're right in front of me, you might as well go, yeah. I'm gonna getcha, I'm gonna getcha. Will rolls his D10, he rolls a nine and a six. So one hit. So one hit. Nice. So now you're going to. A nine and a six.

So now, this is our first actual normal attack on it. However many hits you got, I rolled that many on his hit location. Okay. And then you're going to, per hit location, you're going to roll against his toughness. So his toughness is six, and your dagger has has one so what will happen is you will roll a die You'll add one to it

And if it hits six or above it will hit those basically just so you understand the phasing of it your first role to determine If you hit yes, the next rules determine how much damage you do to what part yes So you are attacking the beasts back and there's a failure so if you do not damage it something will happen to you. Cheesy Pete's! What? So no, nothing happens. Failure, full move. So now the monster is going to sprint at you, pick you up.

What the fuck? Slam you against the wall. What? What wall? I thought it was an infinite blackness out there. What wall? And you suffer one damage. Man!

To your butt. To your butt. No, you're gonna roll a die. See where it hits you. To your butt. No, you're going to roll a die. See where it hits you. My body again. So your body is already heavy. So if you get hit in the body again, you're definitely going to like.

And it's when you get hit with a heavy attack then you get knocked prone, right? Yes, but he's already knocked prone. But he's already knocked prone. Yes. Great. So there you go, Will. Daddy, mama, no.

Yep. Daddy, mama. We're all too far away. And now I'm with this dude charging away. Yeah, and then we're a full turn from being able to do any damage to it. Well, you guys can throw your stone like I did, like a cool guy. Yeah. All right. I move five. That's it I move five. We're like we're surrounding the creature other side of the room

Yeah, you could you want throw a throw my found oh, yeah boom So that's an automatic hit from anywhere on the board and I lose this to the game box. Yep, it's gone forever And now we only fight with our fists. Clever. I feel stupid, because aren't there a bunch of stones everywhere? Can you pick up another stone? No, but this is the founding stone.

You'll get better weapons quickly. Unfortunately, this is a trap. What? The attacker is caught in the white lion's ruse and is savagely mauled. The attacker is doomed. What? You may not spend survival until his card is resolved. You can't do a dodge. Yes. Okay, so you're going to get a

basic attack against you freddy. It's not even it's not even next to it. It's gonna do a basic attack, which means it's going to move at least it's off of me. Yeah, six. Were you freddy? Oh, nice. They're all within behind it. Nice right. Oh, if you're right on his butt, it can't see you. Just two spaces behind its butt. Okay, all right. on his butt. It can't see you just two spaces behind its butt Okay, all right Freddy's attacking you based on asses seven and a two. It's on a two plus. Oh both of them Yeah, that's cool. Whatever so roll to location die Just reached into my fingers. Oh good you defend and your head here my waist and my head are targeted

So your waist you have one as a loinclothoth Yeah, so you're okay, but your head only let me ask this the loincloth Do I lose one from the loincloth? Yeah, put your belt at one and now you reduce it to zero I take one damage that is absorbed by my waist my loincloth, but then he hits your head Do you know I think it is a image would a loincloth? But think about this this way I think about you ever do that thing where you like lean forward with a cloth And it's like a curtain and then yeah stop like paintballs and BBs because it's like a little just a little bit That's why well you laugh, but this is how Japanese archers would protect themselves when fleeing about the bit of a lion's ma I imagine he swipes at you and like his claws get like stuck in the cloth for a second

You see my ding-dong, dude And then after the line sees my ding dong, it's like, gotta go for the head. He's too strong down there. Too strong. And you don't have any light damage to your head. You only have heavy damage until you're not prone. What?

It would be so great if we just died in the prologue. Such an easy campaign. Yeah. OK. No, that was even the creature's turn. No, that was Freddie's turn. That was Freddie's turn. If Freddie went last.

Yeah. OK. So that was the creature's turn. So that was the creature's turn. At the very least, it means the two of you are not active targets because you're prone. Yes, it's the creature's turn. Now it's the creature's turn. At the very least it means the two of you are not active targets because you're prone. Yes, it won't come after Matt or I.

Oh, prone attack. There it is. You any prone player. It does do that shit. Pick the closest. Is he gonna run again? Pick the closest downed survivor. God damn it!

You're kidding. Nope. Okay, I was going to attack you to plus Matt rolls. He gets a seven. That's a hit. So one damage against you freddy so that hits my body. I'm gonna take. I'm gonna take light damage to my body, but what happened after damage? God damn it dude. The white line isolates his prey full move the white line away from all the target so it literally grabbed units mouth and it's running away with you Okay, cool. Hey, did you check if it's entrails are dragging there roll that entrail? You're right as it runs away We're gonna check the entrails entrails. No the guts are you guys gotta throw your fucking shit. You gotta throw your shit I don't know if they should last time

double fucked it is it my turn there's only gonna be one trap we can choose the order well you gotta get the fuck up and I get up or do I have to fucking roll shit to fucking spend your full moves yeah right yeah I think you just spend your full moon to get up your full moon all right I will throw my thing at it. Oh, yeah, we'll Spend to sling the stone from anywhere activate this card one fucking This is you get one. Yeah, we'll throw the stone turn it. It's fuzzy groin You would hit the monster right in the ding dong. That's the actual the monster right in the ding-dong that is the actual Right in the ding-dong critical wound we gain one lion testicle from the

Persistent injury lost ding-dong your attack destroys the lion's healthy genitals The monsters live it the white lion gains plus one damage token the attacker permanently gains the priority target Will attack it until it is dead After you Hell yeah hell yeah. All right, we got a little fucking prairie oyster out of it. How does daddy mama feel about that daddy mama proud is like that dibs on the narco was good. We can kite because it has to walk to you. Yes, it does. Hell yeah. I'll go ahead and mating to zone and I'm gonna go ahead and just get

right next to will mama daddy's gonna go right next to daddy. Oh yes, the mama daddy daddy mama mecha hybrid. I might as well do the same thing because he's just gonna come straight for you. Yeah. Three, four, five. So now. And.

So now Anthony is. He might be like there so that it moves. Anthony is now next to Matt and Will. My character is far away, halfway across the board. But you can pop up and attack it because you're right next to him. I'm gonna pop up and attack it. We got a real red rover game going on.

Now you do your face, which are using unarmed combat fist and tooth. I roll two dice for that. I love that. I said to like you might eight and a six one hit. Now you gotta roll a six or above. You're attacking its ribs. My attacking is ribs. Always you do them and I will quit a crit.

Seriously? Yeah. Crit. Hell yeah. Okay. Wound. If the attacker has plus three understanding, no. You think Goofo has plus three anything, dude? No, but if your character was smarter, because we gain understanding as the game goes on, the sound of cracking ribs encourages you because you understand its ribs are breaking. And you get plus survival. Critical hit. The force of the blow breaks the white lion's ribs, weakening it. And now has minus one toughness

So now we only have to roll a five to hit it Hey the description for the lion testes on the card also just says a hefty pair of nuts This game's got a cheeky little sense Most berserk ask like art style and then everyone somehow says things like you hit him in the ding dong Which you know what I appreciate yeah, you know I mean How do you think they localized the word ding-dong? I don't know, this game is localized. So we've done three damage to it, right? Yeah.

Okay, great. Not even halfway done. Not even halfway done. Now it is the lion's turn, as we know it only will attack Will now because Will destroyed his testicles. Okay, so I pulled Enrage. What this is is actually a new stat that is going to be added to the lion.

So the lion's pissed off, makes sense. He destroyed his testicles. Now the lion gets plus one damage per monster level. So it's plus two damage now. When survivor suffers any dismembered severe injury or is killed, discard and rage. So essentially he's no longer angry if one of us is killed.

Cool, cool, cool, cool. Maul, pick target, victim of grab last round. It should be Freddy, but it's so angry at you. It's only going for you. It's going to move towards Will, but it's not going to reach Will it is just blindly angry running halfway between Freddie and the three of us about three spaces away from that group over there luckily is within distance of all of us I'll go yeah, that makes sense all right daddy mama. Just run right kaiten

You're going daddy mama's going for it.. Daddy mama raises his loincloth to taunt the lion. Ah, yeah baby! Look what I got. When Bruce Lee does the little like beckon forth thing. And then I'm just gonna run at it and beat the shit out of this thing. With your fist? Yeah.

Okay, run towards it. Will has moved to the side, to the left-hand side of the lion. Now I'm going to use tooth and f, I'm gonna fist him with tooth and nail. All right. You swung at it and missed. Swing and a miss.

Yeah, so for your stone is seven or above is a hit. Your tooth is one eight on the above. But didn't we debuff it with something? That's for when you've hit it to the wound. Oh, after it. There's hitting it and there's wounding it. There's two separate things. That is the most complicated thing about this game.

But it's plus two damage, so now every time it hits one of us it's going to instantly cause a Sophia Wren chain. Uh-oh. So our creature. Sounds like I should've run. Our creatures are gonna start getting mauled completely. Okay, I'm gonna move and swing. Matt moves in front of the lion.

I also don't have any weapon. I missed. He misses. Okay, fuck. I'll do that and hopefully hit because I still have my weapon. You got an eight, didn't you? I'm gonna get a six and a one.

Six and a one. I'm gonna attack it. You still have your weapon. I still have my weapon. So I'm gonna roll. I have to get a seven or above and I got a nine and a ten. Oh, two hits. Oh, yeah, baby. So I'm gonna roll, I have to get a seven or above, and I got a nine and a 10. And a 10! Oh, two hits!

Oh yeah, baby! You are going to attack its beast's maw and its beast's scapular deltoid. So what one do you wanna hit first? The deltoid. The deltoid, okay. The scapular deltoid. So it's minus one toughness,

and now you only have to hit a five, okay? Anthony rolling again on D10. He starts. So you hit four, you need a four or above. Is it four and above? He hits a three. He's just one D 10 or you know for above the floor and above Know what happens on a fail it's going to sprint forward how It's failure. Yeah, it's going to pick me up Do you sprinting forward and is going to pick me up?

So I can't even enter the second time knock me. No, you get to continue your other attack. In fact, I would have told you it would have ran on a failure. So I would have chosen. Yeah, yeah. And now you're going to attack its maw. We'll say you provoked an attack of operative four. You hit it.

You hit it. No critical or anything, but yes, you hit it. So he only has three health left. It dragged me away from you folks. Freddie, you're now not within distance. So right now the lion has Matt in its claws halfway across the board again. I'm gonna rejoin Anthony and Will and stand next to them.

All right, let's see what the lion's gonna do. Pick target, it's obviously going after Will. I wave my nuts at it again. It's just gonna do a basic claw attack. For two damage. For two, no. If it hits me. No, it's three damage now.

Let's see it try. Is it three damage now? It's three damage, which either way would just, yeah, it's three damage, because he's angry from it. No, it's three damage now. Let's see it try. Is it three damage now? It's three damage, which either way would just, yeah, it's three damage, because he's angry from it. Oh, because he enraged. He enraged and he ripped his nuts off. Ooh, one of them missed.

One missed, that's good. Okay, that's good. But first, actually, I didn't roll for his, yes, you're gonna get hit once let me roll for his intestines. No, Will is going to hit you for three damage. Okay. Now, wait, you do have one dodge still.

Oh, I do. A currency we have in this game is called survival, which we brought up because when we name our characters, we get one survival. Throughout the game, doing things will give us survival. Survival lets us essentially do special moves. Right now, our characters only have one special move because we are just naked babies

who are just don't even know, can't even speak yet. The one thing we can do is dodge, which is avoid all damage from one attack. So you can use that to stop you from avoid all damage from one attack. Okay. So you can use that to stop you from dying. I'm gonna do it. You're gonna do it? I'm gonna do a flip in the air and go,

ha ha, and dodge him. All right, so we'll use this one dodge. I've done a cool pirouette in the air. You know like when you dodge an ax in like a Zack Snyder movie and it flies over your head? It's like his claw just like right over my testicles. Oh yeah, it's just a claw. It's all he wants is my testicles. Oh, yeah

Single cube just It flips around dude and lands in someone's food. I'll come around the back of it do it and attack All right, let's do it. Punch him. Punch him dude. Roll your two dice rolling two dice to see if I hit a Crit and the three so I hit one Another crits. Oh, yeah a crit but just a successful hit. You're hitting the temple. Where it worships. Just shocking it in the head. In the head, head punch.

So you need a five. A five or higher. Because you don't have any bonus, right? No, no, no. Because you're not using your stone. A five or higher and I roll a one. God damn it. Uh oh.

Failure is gonna do a basic attack against you. What? Where you're behind it. Yeah. It turns around, waving its butt at will. It hits twice. So can I dodge for one of them? I'm a dodge for one of them. So the killing blow misses. So here's what you can do. You can roll to locations and then use a dodge of its head. Okay. Got it.

You should dodge on the head one. That is a head and the body. So I dodged the body. No, no dodge the head. I dodge the head. I slip the punch but then the rest of it by slipping it by putting my body in the way. So you instantly you get your light damage and heavy damage and the third one brings you all the way to severe. Uh oh. Which means it's time to roll on the injury table. So my body is gone. So is your body that was hit? Yes. Okay, severe injury. Okay, so I've been hit now severely now. So now we roll on the body table to see what your damage.

So what do I roll? Just roll 1d10 on the body table, and I've rolled a 10. That doesn't seem like the one you want to roll. No, it's the other way around. A one or a two is instant death. Oh shit. There's a one in five chance that you instantly die. This is actually the best one. Bowled over, the blow sends you sprawling, you're knocked down, that's all. You just got knocked down. You're lucky. Got them pecs, dog.

That's the best you could do. Freebie, I will attack with my dagger. Eight and a six. That is one hit. You're going to attack its straining neck. Missed. God damn it. No failure, luckily, no failure state.

So I would have stood up at the end of the turn. He did it for me. You are knocked down. At the end of the turn, he's a pop. So I can move and attack. Okay. Okay, Matt moves in. We have now all surrounded the lion on all sides.

I will also use my teeth and my fists. I didn't hit. I'm gonna hit. I got a nine. Woo! Two nines! Two nines! All right, you're going to attack the beast tricep

and the fleshy gut. Let me check the failure,, you're going to attack the beast tricep and the fleshy gut. Let me check the failure, what you're going to do. I would say you should do the tricep first. Why? Because the failure for fleshy gut swats back and can push you away. Okay, then I will attack the trie. So I just do one, die.

Hey, hit it! Bam! I give him one of these. Okay. If you hit him with this next time, he's dead. He has to be empty when you hit him. Okay. Oh, really? He has two HP left. How's that possible? Because he can't do any basic attack. Oh, I'm gonna get that gut

His toughness is oh, yeah zero you're right Hit the lion is dead. It is the lion's turn. We're going to roll to see if it dies from its own intestine That would be great. It does not I'm so close. It is going to turn and attack Will, the man who took his testicles. That's right. Bring it on, brother. You've already used your dodge. Feels like I would have sounded like Macho Man. They both hit.

The whole time. Two hits. Two hits for three. Ooh. So he's going to take one final. Snap into a Slim Jim. Daddy mama. So roll your.

Snap into daddy mama. Roll your location die to see where it's going to finish you off. Two bodies. Two bodies! Shots! Okay, roll. Well is that a good thing? Because it just goes all the other way.

No, it's perfect. You gotta roll twice on it. Oh, you gotta roll twice on the body thing. Roll 1d10. 1. Instantly! Oh no! Daddy mama is going down!

The bone fragment directly into your heart killing you instantly rip up that paper Again we don't play individual characters we play a whole Ripped up his characters to ashes dad to mom. All right. I'm gonna try to hit characters. We play a whole set of characters. Ashes to ashes, dead to mom. All right, I'm going to try and hit him in the butt. We couldn't have both. I got no hits. No hits. No hits.

We got to kill this. I missed two threes. Step aside, boys. Let it reel. You should throw your thing to do a critical wound. You can kill it at any moment. Step aside, losers. Just don't die.

Step aside, losers. I'll show you how it's done. Brave roll in here. Boof-o raises his mighty fists and rolls a one and a 10. Side just don't die step aside losers. I'll show you how it's done Boof oh raises his mighty fists and rolls a one in a ten one Okay, hit location is the flank Cats hate this monsters very upset Almost lived to the end of the fight survivors are. Collect your rewards by scavenging the monster's corpse. The survivors earn resources.

This is in addition to any resources we earn from critical wounds. Nice. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks.

Visit heartandstroke.ca. Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Fizz. Fizz, they do things differently. They're here to offer community personalized mobile plans with complete transparency because their members are at the center of their decisions. No hidden fees, no false promises, 100% online, you're free to change your plan up yourself every month as you like. If you don't like it, leave. Leave whenever you want. No grudges. Go. You love it? Stay baby. The more you stay, the less you pay.

Now that I've heard about this, feel free to share your promo code with your friends. You both get a little slice of that pie. No contracts, personalize your mobile plan as much as you want. If you have leftover data, it rolls over. Ooh, love that. How many places it's like, ah, you didn't use all your data? It's down, the data goblins have it now.

Fizz, you're rewarded just for being there. The more you stay, the more you're rewarded. You get free data, you get dollars off. You can also give your data to any Fizz member. I say you should run a marriage too. Just the longer you're in it, the more you're rewarded. You get free data, you get dollars off. You can also give your data to any Fizz member. I thought you should run a marriage too. Just the longer you're in it, the more you should reward your partner for staying with you.

I'm just saying. Try the other side. It's important. You gotta date your mobile plan. Try the other side. You gotta take your mobile plan. Check out the website, fizz.ca. Try the other side or switch to Fizz, creator's choice.

Yes. So we will draw four lion cards. Ooh, lion resource cards. Let's see what we got, gentlemen. One, two, three, four. We picked apart its cat bones, the eye, a perfectly preserved eye, the white fur, luxurious and soft to the touch,

and another cat bone, which is strong and surprisingly light. Probably make swords with that. We will also gather four basic resources. Just so everyone knows, there's so much stuff around this game that Matt has filled my entire kitchen like counter with more boxes of decks and cards and miniatures. So he's bringing over a whole deck

about the width of a large pan pizza, I would say. It is an extra large pizza box. A big Detroit style. A big Detroit style pizza box. And it's just cards immaculately categorized with little tabs in between them. Like the doing decimal. All of them sleeved beautifully.

All of them sleeved beautifully. This is a game for perverts. Yeah, it really truly is. Every kind of pervert. If you like the crunchy, I'll put it this way. Puts is so serious. So now they do have an app kind of, but he refuses to like make a companion app.

He's like, I want this all pen and paper. Like I want everything to be physical. Oh, that's going to be fucking sick okay so we got four basic resources we got a broken lantern some love juice love juice ooh we can do the balls love from the balls I like that thematically we got love juice from his balls during the settlement phase he may archive this to intimacy nominate survivors and they can consume it so we can get that super Sorry, we can get intimate Consummate it or consume it consume both your civilization has to learn how to fuck

Oh, we have love juice now so now we can actually learn how to fuck. Yes. Very good That's how you get other characters in the game. That's how you learn how to have sex soon enough You don't wait just like real I'm out until one of you guys learns how to fuck and have a baby? No, no, no, we're about to make a- We're about to find some new survivors. We're about to make a settlement. Okay. So, that was the prologue.

This says, turn the page to create our settlement. ["Settlement"] Place the settlement board in the play area, along with the gear and survivors we got. The survivors we have are called returning survivors. After the defeat of the white lion, the survivors wander the darkness drawn to a soft glow blooming in the horizon. This is the first story settlement phase and we will create a settlement that we will return to in every settlement phase.

So every time we attack and fight a monster, assuming we've survived, we will return to our settlement. We make a base! First thing we do upon this settlement is we will name it. Right now it's just the three of us, so I think we all can have a say in naming it except for Will, because he's dead. Because he's dead.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Critical roll? Critical roll? Not critical roll. What's our settlement name? No, I mean look, I know I don't get to vote, but it's like, fucking, we tore the lion's nads off, and this is

like our home pod. I think we call it the NAD pod. Shit. That's pretty good. Pretty good. Our settlement is NAD pod! Alright, we're the NAD pod. That's the last thing daddy mama says to you before he dies is That's not just didi better

I mean you die so every time we return to a settlement that has a name it gives us this ounce of hope and Belonging we gain just like listening to that pod So we all gain one if you're alive will not each of those survivors gain one Survival, so I didn't use any survival last game, so I have two survival now. Or I should say a mama daddy has two survival. So one of the things that happens in the settlement, and we'll find the best way to do this audio-ly,

every time we come back to the settlement, we will slowly begin to build the city by creating essentially storefronts based off of all the resources we got from the animals, and that's where we construct our weapons. But most importantly, is every time you come back to the settlement, there's usually what's called a story event, which is there's a big deck of cards that has a bunch of different events that happen. Sometimes a year has a specific story that you need to take, other times you just pull a random one. This being the first year

we are obviously going to pull the settlement event the first day. The first day. So we've drawn the first day settlement card. Anthony, why don't you read to us the first day. The survivors wander drawn to a blooming light in the distance. They find the serene comfort of a towering pile of lanterns and a small collection of scared people. On a deep instinctual level, they know this area is safe

and they make it their home. Roll 1D10 to determine your starting population and record the result on the back of the settlement record sheet. All right. 10! 10! Ooh! Yes!

I'm back, baby. So we have 10 unnamed survivors that we have to name and give genders to. And mouths to feed. Yep, choose and record genders and names for the unnamed survivors. Is it 10 including our three, or is it 10? It's 10 unnamed survivors, so 10 including our three.

So we have 13 people in that. Okay, so let's write the names of everybody who's alive in this town. So first we got- Rico, Chico. Well, first we got Mama Daddy. Well, let we have 13 people now. Okay, so let's write the names of everybody who's alive in this town. So first we got- Rico, Chico. Well first we got Mama Daddy. Well let's get the survivors first. Yeah, yeah, okay, hey, as someone who's dead,

how about you fucking sit down here, Will? What's your name? Oh, you're Beth. Freddie, you are- Bufo. Bufo. Hero of the hunt. Okay, so you- Write that down.

Oh, hero one? Bufo comma- Daddy Mama was the hero of the hunt. Your gender is hero of the hunt. Bufo comma, no, Bufo comma hero of the hunt. For notes, I'm just gonna put hero of the hunt. Your gender is hero of the hunt. No, boofo comma hero of the hunt. For notes, I'm just gonna put hero of the hunt. Thank you. Allen of the hunt.

And Beth and mommy daddy are female. Yes, this game only has two genders, unfortunately, but we can tweak that. Population, okay, 10, we add 10. So we need 10 names? Yeah. We can also hold off on naming them and then name them after people Let's name them after in the patreon. Let's name them after Oh patrons. Okay, so we have ten unnamed We will meet them. Well, well Wilkins one right anyone right now. Let's look at well guess what comes back and Caring wills body. Yes. Oh, no, not daddy mama. Who's the person who is looking at daddy mama's corpse? That would be

Dr. Jess. Dr. Jess. Dr. G-E-S-S? J-E-S-S. J-E-S-S. No, I think you're right. It's Dr. Jess G-E-S-S. Yeah, Matt. Okay, Dr. Jess with G and then under no, I'm going to put pronounced.

Pronounced Jess. Like Jif. Like Jif. Oh, like Jif, yeah. Dr. Jess is all man. All man. I'm gonna put pronounced pronounced Jeff Dr. Jess's all man Full man all machine and then you skip forward to the first survivors Nominate a survivor to utter the first words that would be probably I nominate myself Probably be Dr. Jess I think Hero of the hunt

Bufo gets the first word What are Bufo's first words? Here we start our shit. Hell yeah, my brother, enough. I'm so glad Bufo got to talk. Let's do it. Fuck! The nominated survivor steps forward

and gains plus one courage. So you fill that out on your paper sheet. If you get three courage points, you get to experience the bold storyline. They leave the other survivors in learning to speak to one another. They discuss their situation, realizing they must hunt to live. Add the white line to the quarry list on the settlement record sheet. Your settlement gains the language innovation. Search the innovation cards for language and place it's place up in your play area

and record it on your settlement sheet. And our language, it's Gen Z talk. Our language is no cap, uh, no cap. We speak no cap. Yeah, we speak no cap. Starting innovation language, survival limit plus one. So now we can have up to two survival. All survivors gain encourage survival actions.

So now instead of just dodging, you can encourage cause we can speak to each other. Encourage once per round of standing. That means if you're not knocked down, you can spend one survival to call out to a non-deaf survivor, because you can lose your hearing. They stand up if they're knocked down. So this is just a way to get people to stand up. You can encourage a deaf survivor,

you can give them a thumbs up or something. Well, in this game, the encourage action. We haven't invented thumbs ups yet. We haven't invented thumbs ups. How dare you? We haven't invented thumbs ups yet. How dare you come around being like, yeah, thumbs up means that, you know what I mean?

It's like in other cultures, when it's like the thumbs up means like, yeah, yeah, yeah, thumbs up means that, you know what I mean? It's like in other cultures when it's like the thumbs up means like fuck you The Italians. So we update our death count. We did indeed lose one So when things happen in the game big events you get to make some decisions Okay, we have our first death the group must decide what to do with our first survivor corpse What do we do with the body of Daddy Mama? We can either choose the first harvest, which is the settlement decides to harvest the body for resources. The settlement will gain the death principle, cannibalize.

Or we can decide to build a small monument to mark their loss. Boring! A small monument? Yeah, and then we gain graves. Graves. We're cannibalizing, cannibalize, cannibals! A small monument. Yeah, and then we gain graves graves We're cannibalizing Ever my life for absolutely eating those corpse. There's a reason the picture on the opposite page has people eating a corpse They know what you're gonna choose That's true the big there's one page that's like all the words and the text and the page the left is a big

Just a bunch of people eating this dead corpse. We have to roll a d10. Right now? Right now. Determine what we're going to do with Mama Daddy's corpse. And I, the dead body, roll a d10. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Will rolls a...

A nine. Nine. Nine, eight, a survivor. Me. No, not a survivor. Oh, Mama Daddy's going to do whatever it is to Daddy Mama's corpse. Okay. So, Mama Daddy frantically tears the corpse open and deeply drinks of its blood

They decide that for every new creature that they eat they will become stronger Daddy mama the living one gains one permanent speed. Yes. I'm faster because of you dog. Yep Thanks, what am I lives on? Be also like the attack thing. Yeah speed is how many dice I roll when I attack which is super fucking strong It's insanely strong. Seems like there are no downsides to eating corpses. No, absolutely not. That's as good as hell.

Something we also have to do is we have to choose a survivor to look into the lantern hoard and ponder the meaning of life while the next group goes out on the hunt. OK. Oh, someone's got to ponder the orb, dude. Yeah, somebody ponders the orb and is not allowed to go on the next hunt. It has to be someone who went on the last hunt.

Yeah, so I guess that probably leaves me in terms of people who've done special things. What about 30s all jacked up? Oh, hero of the hunt. You folk and would ponder the Comes back home screams, let's fuck and then stairs in an orb for two hours straight In which case I think you should make them another survivor for who he will be taking out next turn so that we will have another Haven't fucked yet, so this is just some guy named himself that son of a boo foe son of a boo foe son of a boo foe son of a son of a son of a boo foe

son of a son of a son of a S-U-N-U-V-B-O-O-F-O. Son of Boof-O. Male or female? Female. Any notes? Really mix it up. Strong.

Strong. Confident. Powerful. Can balance their work life and their personal life with no difficulty. Strong and powerful. Thank you, Matt. You're welcome. Okay, we have the death count.

We checked the milestones. We did that. Develop. Oh, but before we do that, I have added just a slight spattering of expansions because I have so many I wanted to at least see some of them. I added Gorm. Gorm is one of my favorite miniatures,

so I can't wait to paint it for this, which is just a giant baby with hippopotamus feet and has a huge mouth that looks like a fucking like angler fish and thousands of hands coming out of it is very terrifying. When we add Gorm, we must add the approaching storm. This is Matt, this is like so close to what I imagine. Like, was it the Cones of Dunsmeer or whatever? Dunsones of Dunsher. It's all about the Gorms. As the son of Bufo stands up and says, I will join the next hunt,

there's Sunly. It's not as the son, it's as son of Bufo. Yeah, thank you. And also adds the phrasing, let's fuck, because we just all assume that's just how you end sentences. Those were the first words we heard. The weather takes a turn for the worse. A light appears on the horizon. From its origin,

roiling masses of storm clouds approach the settlement, soaking everything in perpetual sheets of stale smelling rain. Sudden flash floods, burning winds and periods- I soaked the sheets in stale smelling rain last night. God, I wet my bed. Periods of strobing, lightning continuously- Be warned that this podcast may have scenes of strobing Leaving the survivors in epileptic fits you may now hunt Gorm Added to the query list on the settlement sheet so we can go out to the white lightning We're like hey, we should fight this guy some lightning. We're like, hey, we should fight this guy. Some lightning, we're like, we should now hunt Gorm. Yep. Well, we add the Gorm because we like smell it.

We add the Gorm climate to the next Lantern Year. So next Lantern Year. Global Gorming. Nominate a survivor. Beth. Make it Beth. Beth. The game plus one insanity. Great. Insanity is good in this game. Yeah, actually, what kind of a fun thing with this is that insanity is essentially so you have armor for all your parts of your body. Obviously, actually, what kind of a fun thing with this is that Insanity is essentially, so you have armor for all your parts of your body.

Obviously you can't put armor on your brain. What acts as armor on your brain is insanity. So the more insanity you have, you're actually more able to like, weather the horrors of this world. However, if you do get too much brain armor, you become truly insane, which then something happens. So, Nomad the Survivor, the game plus one insanity

and Brave the Storm. Anthony, nominated survivor, they gain plus one insanity and brave the storm. Anthony, half Beth roll a D10. Three. The survivor stands in the torrent, pulsing psychedelic lights strike them, bringing them to their knees. In a flash of morbid inspiration, the nominated survivor takes a stone to their own eyes.

Whoa! They suffer the blind severe head injury. Holy shit! Holy shit. But gain plus one permanent speed. Woo! So you're blind, but you can swing better. Like you're stronger.

Wow. That's fucking cool. I'm Zatouichi. Zatouichi dog? Yeah, you're essentially Zatouichi. Zatouji. What does blind do? And it's at both eyes.

I think so. There's two boxes. I think one for each eye. You lose one accuracy. Better to have speed than accuracy. eye you lose one accuracy better to speed than accuracy So you lose permanent accuracy so I have to roll one higher to do initially damage them Yes, didn't hit them nothing. Yeah more dice Yeah, fine if you have two blind severe injuries you do minus four permanent accuracy

Yeah, well says I'm blind so it sounds like minus four is probably what I have no no no is you have to get blind twice Okay, okay, just one eye. Just the one eye. Just the one eye. Cool. And you're like, you smelt the air and go, gorm. Let's fuck. Develop! Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Fizz.

Fizz, they do things differently. They're here to offer community personalized mobile plans with complete transparency because their members are at the center of their decisions. No hidden fees, no false promises, 100% online, you're free to change your plan up yourself every month as you like. If you don't like it, leave. Leave. Leave whenever you want. No grudges. Go. You love it? Stay, baby. The more you stay, the less you pay. Now, I've heard of it. Okay. I've heard about this. Feel free to share your promo code with your friends. You both get a little slice of that pie. No contracts. Personalize your mobile plan as much as you want. If you have leftover data, it rolls over.

How many places it's like, ah, you didn't use all your data? It's now the data goblins have it now. Fizz, you're rewarded just for being there. The more you stay, the more you're rewarded. You get free data. You get dollars off. You can also give your data now. Fizz, you're rewarded just for being there. The more you stay, the more you're rewarded. You get free data, you get dollars off. You can also give your data to any Fizz member. I say you should run a marriage too. Just the longer you're in it, the more you should reward your partner for staying with you.

I'm just saying. Try the other side. It's important. You gotta date your mobile plan. Try the other side. You gotta date your mobile plan. Check out the website, fizz.ca. Try the other side or switch to Fizz, creator's choice.

the website phys.ca. Try the other side or switch to Phys. Creator's Choice. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. During this step, the survivors spend their endeavors to craft gear and join activities. When the settlement starts out, they can build their endeavors at the lantern hoard to build new settlement locations. When endeavor is spent, reduce the endeavors by one.

If you can, spend three endeavors to build the bonesmith, organ grinder, and skinnery settlement locations. We do have three endeavors because we got them per person. So I think we should just do what they said. So we are going to build the Bonesmith. Bonesmith. Bonesmith. We will build... Not a good Doctor Who.

What? Matt Smith. Oh, Bonesmith. Wow. Who-wow. If we thought the settlement phase would be boring. And the Organ Grinder. about Bonesmith. Wow. Wow. We thought the settlement phase would be boring and the organ grinder.

So essentially the Bonesmith and the organ grinder. Well, the Bonesmith is for bones. The organ grinder is for the organs, Will. So we have us in our settlement now. We have the Bonesmith, the Skinnery and the organ grinder, which allows us to get weapons, build weapons and spend the resources we get on the hunt. We can also learn how to fuck if we want to. For useful tools. Oh, we can?

Ooh, perhaps, perhaps this episode ends. Is it time to learn the ancient ways? In a little bit of tender lovemaking. Okay, so as we've begun building the organ grinder, the skinnery, and the bonesmith, Freddie, you're saying both Bufo would like to consume the love juice? Bufo, while to consume the love juice? Bufo while staring at the orb is looking for a frothy draft His or pondering made me thirsty. Yeah, so Bufo consumes the love juice

Okay unwittingly I was saving that for later someone says from the settlement for today. I guarantee it the love juice tonight So you must nominate I guess it's only fair that who can nominate which survivor. Oh, Matt's found the page called intimacy. Nominate one. Very cute illustration on the other side, just two people cuddling. It says nominate one consenting male or female.

I think we just do just any consenting people. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Nominate one consenting survivor, Freddie. Who consents? None of us.

I'm not having bad consent. Mommy daddy would like to have Sekul, son of Bufo. Alright you two have at it. Son of Bufo? I'll tell you what to do. I drink the love juice. Check this out, I got this crazy idea! No, no Freddie, mommy daddy will consent. Bufo is doing it.

Yeah, Bufo is still changing. Bufo drank the juice and he will get the fruits of the labor. Boo foe stares mommy daddy, not interested in poofo as a person, but deciding that for need of survival. Looking at how we already lost one survivor, we only have 10 other says sure. Boo foe thinks and boo foe thinks that like the game of being like, have you seen this sick or by how it's like, it looks like I'm a real five minutes into pondering the orb and he looks at you like this All right, Freddie, I'll let you wonder and chill. I will let you roll intimacy table to see how you do

I'm rolling a d10. Yep to see how I do on the The settlement gains one population! The male and female survivors share a deep bond and gain plus 10 survival each? What? Now our max is two. We're having sex once? Have you ever had sex once?

Yeah. Yeah. For our max. For our virginity, I became bulletproof. Our max survival is only two. So we just, essentially it maxes out your survival more or less Oh man, if we had the settlement innovation bed, we gained plus one permanent strength after having sex But we don't have beds yet. We just did it on the fucking on the stone faces

Dude, no just digging my hip the first time your settlement gives birth to a new survivor gain one population Oh, I think we can name this one for what's our child's name Right three two one You know this Junior mama mama bufo jr. Italian mama bufo jr. Italian mama bufo jr. That sounds like a hey that sounds like you know I mean, it's like Mufaletta mama bufo. You know I mean. Bufo di Beppo. What about that? Bufo di Beppo! Bufo di Beppo! Bufo di Beppo!

Nickname? Bufo di Beppo. No! No! Name! Bufo di Beppo! Name! Bufo di Beppo! Okay, our child's name is Bufo di Beppo. This is how Matt named Dorothy. No! Dorothy! Alright. Now the Dorothy! All right. Now the new principle of life. Life. Let us see. Wait, do you do the fucking Lion King

with UFO De Beppo to the rest of the tribe? Well, let's see. The group must choose how we raise their young. Oh. Ooh. Without mercy, the toys are taken from the child and replaced with cold stone-faced shard. Training begins immediately. Oh, shit. With affection, the snowman taken from the child and replaced with cold stone-faced shard. Training begins immediately.

Oh shit. With affection, the snowman embraces the child with warm arms. Nurturing new life is their highest calling. BORED! Do we want to be Sparta or not Sparta? I want to be not Sparta! I think the parents get to determine it. What do you think, Matt?

Well, Bufo, honey. When I look at this baby, all I can see is you. That makes me really angry. No, we can do it with affection. With affection, I'd say. I like being affectionate cannibals. Yeah.

We're complicated people. So complicated. I say with affection. So we got protectively young. This is just being cynical, because the more they love their parents the more They'll listen to us Freddy yes roll a d10 for me. I roll a d10 to determine something

Seven another seven the children is raised by the entire settlement and endowed with a village and endowed and the wisdom of all the newborn survivor gains plus two understanding and the strategist Fighting art we are making smart children. Yes Smart warrior children. Freddie fill out the character sheet of our child. You got it This is like the birth certificate. That's what they don't tell you in Lamaze class. So yeah, that's a lot about stats Well, you gotta make your new character. Dr. Jess. Here you go, go follow Dr. Jess. They don't have anything special. Boofo the Bapo.

I just need to write Dr. Jess on this piece of paper. Yes. I've done it. And then survival of one. Survival of one. Survival of one. I'm going to call a retcon here and say that Dr. Jess is our first non-binary survivor.

OK. Let's see what we can actually make here. Boofo, hero of the hunt, allows these underlings to do whatever the fuck they're doing from these these are like tech trees Next time we can use endeavors to build like the leather worker or the weapon crafter the bullet farmer We need armor. We need weapons. We need weapons more than anything because you have no weapons Yeah, we need some webs here are the weapons we can purchase for the bonesmith and then with skinnery. Oh Oh, there's a delightful little shopping list here. Matt has sleeved a bunch of extra cards.

These are about three inches by three inches, and they are weapon-like cards. What is the fucking channel where they sell all the stuff online? QVC. QVC. So yeah, this is like QVC for fucking bone weapons. We have a lovely bone pickaxe today. Now look at the beautiful, beautiful stats on this.

It's a 1, eight plus two. There's also the bone sickle, the bone ax, the bone blade, the bone club, the bone dagger, bone darts, and the skull helm. Now, I love a skull helm, because I already have a skull, and I've always thought, what if I had an extra? You know? Yeah, yeah.

So we have three bones, So Anthony still has his- I still got my- My best still has her- My founding stone. So I feel like it would be fair for each of us. And also like Freddie and I did literally like add to the population. Bufo was in fact the hero of the hunt.

Yeah. So I think we can each get Bufo and- Say the full name. And Mama Daddy and- Sorry, sorry, say the full name. Bufo, legend of the- Hero of the hunt, thank you. My husband.

We are the most insufferable couple. Okay, we're going to spend these three bones to buy some weapons. So essentially for one bone each we can get a dagger, a blade, or a dart. You can also get an axe because you've got a lot of organs. Yeah, I'm going to buy an axe with an organ. Sorry, I'm taking it. I birthed a child. That's true, lot of organs. Oh yeah, I'm going to buy an axe with an organ. Sorry, I'm taking it. I birthed a child. I get fucking-

That's true. That's fair. Dr. Jess needs a weapon to operate with. So Dr. Jess is going to take a bone dagger. Ooh, okay. The scalpel. I'll take the bone blade. Mix it up. Mix it up.

We got three hides. If you would like to get some clothing. I think Beth gets a- Yeah, Beth gets a vest. Okay, you're going to get some clothing and I think Beth gets a... Yeah, Beth gets a vest. Okay, you're gonna get a vest? Yeah. We can do two more vests or gloves or whatever. I think we should get two headbands.

Headbands? Because they protect the head. I'll take a headband. I'll look out Boof, I'll be like, you decide. Would you like to take the headband or would you like your wife to take the headband? Oh dear, you may have the headband. I need not such trifling things for my head is full of knowledge from the orb. It is veritably burgeoning from orb-based knowledge.

I'm fucking good, dog. Okay. Dr. Jess's headband takes the form of like a surgery mask. Oh, very good. Very cool. No! The only thing here is stone faces and lanterns William. There is no humor No, I'm not. In the world of kingdom death and we discovered Jokes! Have we discovered jokes? Viruses and bacteria? Have we discovered peepees?

No, pee- wait protective- peepees? Yeah, we have discovered peepees They're called ding dogs in this world. The organ things we can also get stuff Ooh So we can get a fecal salve, which is scraping some of the poop from the monster. It is item, bomb, and stinky. Our names are whatever code words. Attributes.

Attributes, keywords, that's the word. When you depart, you gain plus one survival. And you can use an action to make it so you're not a threat, like you're putting the monster poop on you so they don't smell you. So we can use that. A potent camouflage.

Let's do that, let's do that. Let's get some shit. Or just really quick, or you can get the monster poop on you so they don't smell you. A potent camouflage. Let's do that. Let's do that. Let's get some shit. Or just really quick, or you can get the monster grease. We can either do two fecal salves or one monster grease. Monster grease gains one evasion. You can grease yourself up. Evasion is minus accuracy on the monster. I think that poop is better.

I want two poops. Two poops. We only have two. Okay, two poops. You guys spoke. You can get a poop. I'll take a poop is better. I want two poops two poops. We only have two okay two poops you guys spoke You can get a I'll take a poop Beth takes a poop as well that gets a poop in a vest what a day for Beth all right So we bought a bunch of new gear so now the settlement decides what query quarry quarry quarry I want to fuck with a gorm. I want to fight the gorm. We must fight the gorm Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query.

Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query.

Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query.

Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Query. Bufo Di Beppo's a baby, surely Bufo Di Beppo can't go. No he can go. Mama, daddy, who believes in, as we've decided, protecting the young, decides that the safest place is to be at her side.

Grabs Bufo Di Beppo and puts her on her back, like piggyback ride, and looks at her husband, I guess, and goes. He's not looking, he's looking at the orb. Not now, babe, the orb's on. Bufo. the orbs Not now babe the orbs on Legend of the hunts a hero of the hero of the hunt my dear me and your son should go consume Whatever look at your paging dr. Jess to the hunt. Dr. Jess is gonna go on the hunt as well Okay, Beth will also go. Oh, no, no epic words to sign us out of this episode. Okay so Beth goes

damn. Next time we shall fight the Gorm. Dungeons and Dice is Matt Arnold, Anthony Burch, Will Campos, Beth May, and myself Freddie Wong. Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Ashley Nicolette is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merch manager, Esther Els is our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing, and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Support independent creators like us directly and hear episode 2 and 3 of Kingdom Dad Monster and much more on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads and if you're in the US come join us this summer on our live tour Dungeons and daddies the areas to our feet Taylor Swift no Music venue will put that on the marquee, but you know and we know that's the official name of the tour We got dates and locations all up and down the East Coast and in the Midwest on our website

Dungeons and daddies calm check it out tickets available now merchant stuff is that stuff is at store.dungeonsanddais.com. Season 3, the Peachyville Horror, DM'd by the man, the myth, the legend, Wolf Campos himself, is coming at you in just two short weeks. May 7th, mark your calendars. We'll see you then. you