Dungeons and Daddies - PWP (Pops Without Plot) ft. Neil Newbon

Episode Date: December 31, 2024

The Dads grapple with their greatest challenge yet: fan fiction. Featuring Neil Newbon and Amanda Schuckman.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Co-DM (Tatty Roper, et al.) is Amanda Schuckman (@eruditechick)Henry Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Darryl Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Ron Stampler is Beth May (@heybethmay)Glenn Close is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Very special thanks to Neil Newbon as Jeremy Pissbottom!Theme song is by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Fizz. Fizz? The concept of fizziness? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mobile plans. 100% online. Is this Fizz the ambitious yordle from League of Legends? No.

Stop. Sorry, amphibious. I don't know if he's ambitious. Anthony, you used to write for League of Legends. Is he ambitious? Yeah, he's amphibious, not ambitious. He just likes to hang out. I wrote stories about Fizz.

I really did. Fizz offers community personalized mobile plans with complete transparency because their members are at the center of their decisions, which means no hidden fees, no false promises. Fizz is 100% online. I'm sorry, I can't get over Anthony saying like a guy at a bar who's like recalling his grizzled ward. He's like, I wrote stories for Fizz. Yeah, I really did. I wrote for Fizz. Here's some things that they do. Unused data, it transfers over to the next month. That's right. You don't worry about it. Don't worry about sucking up all that data month at a time.

And you're rewarded just by being there. The more you stay, the more you're rewarded, earn free data and dollars off. You can give your data to any Fizz member. When you subscribe using our promo code, you get 10 gigs plus 25 bucks. That promo code is FizzC, F-I-Z-Z, letter C. Learn more by checking out the website, fizz.ca. Hello, this is Esther, here to wish you a happy new year. To celebrate the end of 2024, we've prepared a one-shot

with a very special guest, who will be particularly exciting for those computer game nerds out there. Stay after the credits for a preview of Dad Hammer episode 2, now available to all patrons. Without further ado. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome, welcome faithful listener to Dungeons and Daddy's Not a BDSM podcast. This time it is a podcast that takes place in an unclear part of the season one chronology. That's right, the season one dads are back, but they're not alone.

You gave me a really clear timeline though. I did give you a clear timeline. of the season one chronology. That's right, the season one dads are back, but they're not alone. Yay! Well, you gave me a really clear timeline though. I did give you a clear timeline. It's after BDSM, but before we found Grant. Yes, their kids are not with you, but Payden is, and you have- And I've experienced things. Pleasured yourself.

Great. I don't remember that, but yes. The timeline is AD is after Dennis, and BCEDSM is after the BDSM. Ah. Between those two periods. The second one coming. Holy shit!

Well that asshole who just was funnier than all of us is our guest. He's one of our two guests. Our first guest you know and love already is Amanda Schuchman. Amanda is co-DMing our adventure today. Say hi Amanda. Hello everybody. You don't have to do anything he tells you to do, Amanda. When he was like, say hi Amanda, that rubbed me the wrong way. I should have just been like, don't tell me have to do anything. He tells you to do Amanda. Oh, he was like say hi Amanda that rubbed me the wrong way

Don't tell me what to do but our other guest other guests that makes it sound like you're secondary Is Neil Newbon acclaimed spike award-winning voice actor Award-winning voice actor spike award But yes, if you've ever played Baldur's Gate 3 you have heard his actually if you've ever played a video game you have heard Neil's voice he's in town and we asked him if he wanted to do a one-shot with us And he said lots of cool celebrities here at Dungeons and Dragons You just trying to manifest being Matt Mercer. We are doing a little adventure together.

Yay. Yay. Beth, did you say you had, I think we're all gonna do dad facts that we're gonna do better. No we're not. No we're not. We're gonna do dad facts, let's do it.

Let's go, blind, go. So fun fact about Ron, Neil, I'm so sorry, what's the character you play in Baldur's Gate 3? It is a small character by the name of Astarion, who's a pale-out vampire, kind of thirsty trap thing. Fun fact about Ron is he's Astarion this dick. Pfft. Okay, no more death facts.

Not gonna get any better than that. Oh no. Okay. Four dads, one crunchy munchy, one rock and roll, one jock and Ron, are walking through the forest with their

boy ward, Payden, when they come across an abandoned shack. Payden? Don't just run in there. Uh, I've already had that baby. No. Payton has sprinted into the doorway of the shack. No, it might be haunted.

Well, you gotta let kids grow up some day. Jesus. He has his long go. Let the boy examine the shack. It's what he wants. So Payton walks out and he looks like uncharacteristically down and he goes, Uh oh.

It's kinda sad. But who is Peyton? What's wrong? It's kinda sad in there. You don't like what you saw in there? It's sad. It's a little sad. We should cut that. Well, I don't like being sad, man. Yeah, but you looked happy going in and you look sad coming out, baby.

There's somebody in there who probably needs help. Ah, okay. What would you do then? And not the stabbing guy, so I'm not useful here. Henry kneels next to Peyton and says and says paid in are you the sad little? boy in there No, you little bitch. There's somebody else I don't paid in we've talked about using gendered words like that to be mean to me. It could be

Did you had inside yeah Yeah Okay, so inside I love this scene You're that audible poser like should we fuck him? Should we fuck him? I was like yeah we should leave and Neil sits here and watches us do a different adventure for 90 minutes So inside you see a Hell we got a splinter God damn it

Ron sit down It's better now. Damn. We need you going, Anthony. You're really bringing out your best shipper again. So inside, you see a young boy sitting amongst a small mountain of pages of doodles and handwritten words and journal stuff. And it seems like he's playing with two wooden dolls

and sort of smashing them together. What does this character look like, Neil? So, this is Jeremy Pithbottom, the Effort Silent, who is a young, oily boy. He's quite slight, he's not particularly well built in any particular direction. He's about 12-13 years old. He's sitting in what looks to be nice clothes now turned into rags. His feet are very dirty, he hasn't got any shoes on. And he is currently smashing the crap out of one wooden toy to another, going, I'm the

strongest! And smashing like this. And then puts it down and just sort of stops. And just sits there and looks at these two toys. He's got a lot of pimples in places that you'd be quite surprised to find pimples. Everybody stand back. This boy is doing art therapy. I know what happened.

Paden, but just because he said he's the strongest doesn't mean he's the strongest. He's like four years older than me. He's like six feet taller than I am. How can I match up to that? I put my arm out for like a punch. Give me a punch. Yeah.

I don't want people to say yeah but I punch them All right Peyton I'm significantly older than you and you never get distressed by how cool and powerful I am Okay So you guys gonna deal with this kid Excuse me creative youth Yeah young boy Fun creative youth Hello, four travelers be we

With our young ward here And we were wondering if we could enter the magic circle of your art therapy and speak with you for a minute So the young boy turns stands up looks very shocked to see basically four adults and a small child approaching a matter fucking nowhere And just immediately start screaming. Oh Throwing the toys at you No, this is a quick adventure let's go Do you have parents what's your name? Live excuse me young boy, what's your name?

Paper that he's been writing on and tries to read it go ahead and roll perception or investigation Professional Dungeons and Dragons podcaster Beth May Will have phones Okay with an 11 you can see that you were reading what appears to be a fictional story Seemingly written by this child. You can't quite make out the particular characters that it's referencing But you can tell a short story when you see one. This fiction is opaque and unreadable Prank! Prank!

Prank! Let's take a beat here. Let's take a beat here. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I took a couple classes and I... That's fine. But we just walked into this kid's house. I tried talking to him and you read his stuff.

And we should take turns talking on him. You're right, Daryl. Henry turns into a cute therapy dog. And then walks up to Jeremy. Jeremy's continued his dream as he sees you turn into a dog. Henry looks at you as a dog and speaks in a human voice and says, it's alright, young boy. I'm a therapy dog now. We can help you. He goes, okay. And just sort of sits down. After a moment of looking around,

he just does this to your snout and just puts his hand out A little Henry sniffs the young boy snout and just sort of Your snout will so the small dog encroaches on this child sticks his face in his face What do you smell well, what do I smell Anthony tears? Young boy, do you have to tell us your name? That's fine. We can leave, or if you need help, we would love to help. I mean, we-

It's kind of what we do. It's what we do. I know we're four adults, but we got K with us, and he seems safe with us. So like, I promise you- Yeah, I'm totally safe. I promise you. He says, sharpening his knife.

Whatever you need, we'll help, but if you want to be left alone, we'll leave you alone. So Jeremy like stops, looks at you, looks at the knife, we'll leave you alone So Jeremy like stops looks at you looks at the knife looks back to you. He's fine Lock the knife with my body The line of sight Jeremy relaxes at that side. I just sort of looks he goes doesn't have object permanence And he just looks he goes um,, well, I'd like to play. Oh, you like football? No.

Oh, okay. Oh, but I'd like to play the thing. And he just points at the little cartoon thing that he's been making, a little comic book. He goes, I'd like to play the game. Oh, the game. I lean over to Ron, I'm like, hey, I really don't think we should be here.

I think we're like one person showing up away from going to prison. Ron leans over to Daryl and is like, hey, I just lost the game. What? You hear a rumbling. We just got here by accident! You hear rumbling and say, don't worry friends, you're not going to prison, this is a little family mission.

And you see your old friend Scam likely. Scam, I'm sorry. It got close. He peers out of the ground and he says, You may or may not notice that this child has no parents currently. We did notice. We saw that, Scam. scam so what are you gonna? Do about that that is not

I'm just saying I thought maybe you'd see it your heart would go out to him But apparently you're only thinking about going to jail We just don't know the situation. So the situation is Jeremy do you want to tell him? I can tell him. Yeah, Jeremy can tell us. Joey do you know Scam? I thought he was a figment of my imagination. He's real. That's a good point. I don't know. What if I am not real? That'd be fucked up. Well Scam and I play games sometimes. Not weird ones! Not weird ones! Not anything that you could possibly be thrown in jail for. Okay.

But we do play games. Okay. And he got a really fun game that I like to play quite a lot. Okay. Would you like to play with us? Okay, sure. I would love to hear the rules. I do love games.

Firstly, it should be pointed out, my parents have been absent for some time. Oh, I'm sorry, bud. That's okay. You get used to it in isolation and solitude. But this is a really fun game you get to play with, and he sort of hesitates and looks at all of you like one by one into the eyes. Friends. Oh, yeah.

The four of us are friends with each other. Yeah, we're friends. And playing games is one of the best ways to make friends. Well, yeah. Or like if you're alone a lot, you can play games with yourself. So it sounds like that's what, what's your name? Jeremy.

Jeremy. I'm Daryl. He's been doing, I'm, I almost lied about my name, but I'm not going to do that. I wouldn't even know what to say anyway. My name is actually Ron. It's not, that's not a lie. It's Ron.

Yeah. And I, Jeremy, am not a lie. It's Ron. Yeah. And I, Jeremy, am not a talking dog, but a man. And I turned back into Henry. And my name is Henry Oak. And I'm Glenn Close, leader of this group. You're cool. Everyone's quiet on that. There's nobody on any comments on that.

Okay, I'm bored now. So the thing is, Jeremy loves to write fan fiction. You may have seen a lot of these little stories around. Jeremy inserts himself into fun little tales of other franchises and stories he's heard before. Yes, self-insert's also my nickname. The thing about Jeremy is that he likes to escape into these stories, and I thought,

what a wonderful thing to do with you all. What if you all escaped into a story? What if you all escaped into this story right now? And Scam snaps his fingers and the pages on the ground begin to float and then whirl around you like a tornado. Oh no! And they run through the door. Like the page master. No don't run until make it worth, just stay where you are.

Is there a little theme song that plays? Is get a fuckload of paper cut under your face. Eyes up! Is there a little theme song that plays? Yeah. And a one and a two and a three. Why would you point at me? No! Why would you do that? Your vision blurs as the pages completely obscure your eyes.

When the screaming winds die down, the pages flutter to the ground. And you find yourself. It really does feel like there should have been a theme song sung by Beth. I just, I do really feel like that would go great there. So you're writing a story that's really cool. It's a fanfic way you're writing in school

and you're going home now. You don't have to go to school anymore because you're a Norfin and your parents are poor but you're writing all day and you're writing all night and you get the feeling things might be alright hey it's pretty good an orphan can't have poor parents oh damn anyway the papers dropped out and you find yourself in what looks to be a coffee shop. A quasi modern Starbucks-esque coffee shop.

And you as you look down you see you're all in aprons and you were behind the counter. Oh, well, I'm gonna make something for myself. Is Jeremy here? Jeremy? Jeremy is here. And Jeremy is also in an apron and his apron says manager Jeremy if we look at ourselves, are we covered in like really cool tattoos and do we have glasses that are we cute? Yes Look different. No, you're still yourselves. Just like Portlandified I have ponytail now. Wait, Jeremy. Have you done this before? Have you transported like this? Is this normal? Yeah, many times this is how I actually get by in the day of horrible isolation and loneliness Oh Jeremy golly gee whiz like why are you in this horrible situation? Like why don't you know you could break out?

Hey, hey, don't act like you're too full. I'm not saying I just I'm just expressing concern That there's a boy a sad boy in the woods transporting to worlds of whimsy And of all the worlds that he could choose, he's picking Starbucks, so. And I am worried about his corporate coffee taste, frankly, but we'll put that aside for a second. And I just wanna like, there's gotta be some way we can help you out.

Like, do you wanna be here? Yeah, you play the game. That's how you help out. You gotta play it. And he seems pretty cool with what he's doing. I've got to say. I think we just play the game, and then if you really sniff out something wrong

Let's get into it This kid just wants to play with the phone rings on the counter Henry picks it up Okay, so the way that this works is yeah, that's me. Oh, yeah The way that this is gonna work is Jeremy loves to spend time in these little fantasy worlds But I think it's happening to the detriment of his actual, like, real life. Oh, my God, that's exactly what I've been saying, Scam. Yeah, I was hoping that you could, like,

help him through some of his fan fictions, and then maybe at the end of it, he wouldn't want to stay in them so much anymore. Scam, I just want to say, you and I don't always see eye to eye, but I just think this is great, what you're doing for this young lad. Well, now I don't want to do it! Hey, Scam? Scam? Hey, it's Ron. So does that mean we have to-

Hold on, Scam. I'm gonna put Ron on. He wants the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's- Hi. One, do you want anything? We're working at Starbucks right now. No, I'm good. Okay. Does that mean that we have to make the fan fictions worse? Uh, no. I think it means you have to like, well, actually, yes. Not that I think about it, yes. But the way I was planning to do it was that there's like a special totem in each of these fan fictions that once you get it you get to move on to the next fan fiction,

and once you get to the end of the last one, you exit for good and come back to the real world. Okay, that sounds great, yeah, let's do that. It's about fucking it up, maybe. I think, Scam, I think we'll fuck it up plenty on our road. Don't you worry about that scam? Hey, what's the question? Yeah. Hey scam. I'm going to put Darryl on the line. You could just put me on speaker. It's a wall phone. There's no speaker option. It's a really long cord though. Hold on. Yeah. Hey scams. Darryl. Hi. I just want to know what, what's the best case Jeremy gets out of this? Like best case scenario like where does he go?

if he like I feel like he's done with this So the best case scenario, he's still alone in the shack. Is that correct? And I trust that I already care about Jeremy. He seems like a sweet kid. I just don't trust you. So I wanna know when I'm done playing this game,

which is Jeremy's game, but it feels a little bit like your game. Where does Jeremy go afterwards? I was trying to get Jeremy to go to the orphanage in the nearby town. Oh. Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

Scam? What? Tell me a little bit more about the orphanage. He's in a good one. That's like a modicum of forced labor. Like a frisson of forced labor, but otherwise it's pretty chill. That's pretty good for this area, right? Daryl, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

Yeah, what's up, Ron? Something you don't know yet, but you can have a pretty fucked up backstory and still end up a pretty cool guy Okay, all right well yeah, that sounds good Jeremy That's does seem like a good orphanage would be better than this weird crying cave. Yes, that's good Okay, I'm down Of course of course Henry by scam

The phone rings again. Yeah, hello, so just so you know there's a health inspector coming today Oh, and you want to get an A ranking because that's the totem to get to the next area. What fan what? What is this fan fiction? Should we ask Jeremy? Is this something we'll find out if we play along? I'll have Taddy explain coffee shop A used to you real quick. Tati, Tati come here. I'm sorry, who is this? Tati Roper, Scam Likely's running mate. Oh, Tati Roper. Raced to the White House. I love that that episode's canon now.

Yeah, that's great, welcome to hell. Also a 12 year old boy that I'm very excited to do in front of Naomi Voss. I don't judge if that helps. Pops up out of a potted plant in the corner. He, despite the modern setting, is still dressed as a Victorian urchin and says, oh god. Yeah, that's right. Do you understand?

I've literally never seen a man embarrass me in my life. If it helps, I can always leave the room. No, you have to be here for this. Hey, speak up, we can't hear you. Speak up. Hey, what's up? Terry Parson is like, do you call for Tattie Roebucket? Here I am.

Wow, you're here too, OK? Yeah, apparently I am today. Just here helping out. Oh, wait. And he tweaks his page boy cap and turns into the modern Portland version of himself, which is exactly the fucking same. All right.

Yes. This here's a coffee shop, A-U. Oh, explain. A-U stands for alternate universe. Oh, like Marvel. OK. Is this a fan fiction thing? Yeah, it's like a fan fiction thing.

So we're at a coffee shop, A-U. Yeah, you're the dad, but instead of being on your normal adventure, here you are on this fine coffee shop. We're doing fan fiction of ourselves? Yeah, when you look at the cup, you see that dad, but instead of being on your normal adventure, here you are on this fine coffee shop. So we're doing fan fiction of ourselves? Yeah, when you look at the cup, you see that the name of the coffee place is Odyssey Beans, and it's got a little picture of the van on the cup. Wow.

Guys... Oh wow! This is a universe where Honda doesn't own the trademark for Odyssey? My God! Guys, I think we're gonna make this AU gold. Wait, in this AU, can Carol be happy? Anybody? Wait! Wait, I can't hear Carole be happy? Anybody?

Wait, I can't hear you over the laughter! Thank you. I don't know who William is, that was Henry that said that. Henry said that really funny joke. Jeremy, you're our manager. He's got two clipboards in his hands. Yes, I am, and quite frankly we need to have a staff meeting, I feel. Well, you're in charge, so...

By the way, I don't think I haven't noticed you on the phone that's a lot of break time I'm so sorry about I think if you read the rules which are very clearly fine boasted over the car But you only allowed five minutes of fun time. Wow, what a little Nazi Paid in well, what's up? You can learn from this kid Places all right. Yeah, Jeremy, we're here. He's gonna go in the end of my fucking fist. What?

It's his special day. We're here for Jeremy, alright? Why are you talking about Jeremy or Neil? I'm gonna pose. Okay, fine, whatever. I'll follow your lead. Oh no, we follow his lead. Yes, I'll follow your lead, you're following his lead. Guys, stop beating. Yeah, what do we do?

Stop beating. Okay, all right. All right, first thing is we have to divide all the jobs of the work. I'd like you to treat this like a casual back and forth. Just tell me what it is you think you're good at and we'll find a job for you before the customers and we start opening the shop and getting into it.

Oh, I consider myself something of a bean sommelier. I can feed that, I can feed that. I smell like one that's well-oven. You know, I think if this is an AU, I think being really into beans would go well with my original thing of being a vegan guy. So maybe people can ask me about beans in the story. Maybe I name the fun roasts of our comp.

Like a bean sommelier. Are we a roastery and And do you know what I mean? Like do we roast our own beans and then like we have zany bean names? Yo these beans suck! Yeah we're gonna roast them like that! That's it! Like the roast in the beans! Great and um you the man with the very impressive sword. Ah yes thank you thank you. I tend to be on the customer facing side of things. I'm a real people person. I'm more than happy to take the drive-through orders. Well of course I was thinking you could be like the fun guy in the coffee shop that plays the music, like on open mic night. I'm sorry. Hey, I'm not your fucking monkey.

I want to talk to the people, get a sense of what kind of drinks they're ordering. I think I'd be pretty good at that. And picking the playlist. Playlists are very important for coffee shop vibes. You guys know this. Yeah. Yeah. Hi, I'm Ron. Let's see, my strengths. I think, you know, kind of a wild horse in that, you know, it's like, oh, he doesn't know the rules. He just hands you a mop. And last but by no means least. Oh, hi, yeah, I'm Darrell.

Just want to say I'm really happy to be here on the first day of work. I will do my best. Honestly, my worst attribute is I just want to please you. I just want to say I'm really happy to be here on the first day of work. I will do my best. Honestly, my worst attribute is I just want to please you. I just want to do a really good job today. My point of view is that it seems like it's really important that the health inspector's coming, so I'd love to just clean this place,

make sure there's no violations. That's my job. And I'll just help Ron clean, but whatever you want. Jeremy, manager. Jeremy sidles over to you a little bit, takes you for a minute and goes, you've got great potential. Oh, thanks. I think you've got management potential

Shocked Ron you learn a little something for me Ron I mean sorry Henry leans over to Tati Roper the now Portland ish cockney street urchin and Hey, daddy. Yeah, so you see you know a lot about these a use right? Yeah, so the now Portlandish cockney street urchin and say, hey daddy, so you say, you know a lot about these AUs, right? So what's like the deal with a coffee shop AU? Is there like sexy drama or do you like two people in the coffee shop like each other?

Like what is like a nine to five? Do people just do like a gritty workplace procedural or like the Sailor Moon girls all work at a coffee shop or like what is it? Yeah, sort of all of the above but mostly yeah, you know, eventually someone's gotta fuck or What's the point? You hear a ding ding ding ding as the bell rings as somebody enters and you see that it is David Boreanus the sheriff Oh what?

Well I'm the Odyssey son, home of the the crazy bean Wow Stupid, stupid Oh yeah, stupid Home of the the crazy bean Home of the crazy bean water what do you want David leans up against the counter and says I want something That no one has ever drunk before Oh Ron it wasn't a question Raising his hand because I got a bucket of mop water right here man Somebody's probably drunk that before but not this mop water my dude now with crazy beans

Infused with crazy beans this mop water was infused with crazy beans in my own apathy, okay Why don't you roll persuasion? Gee, 20. That's me. Professional. Dungeons and Dragons. 20. Roll a dice. You don't have an app yet? Best out of the app was $2 and I was like, no thank you.

I got a 12. Okay. So the trolley goes, uh, yeah, I guess that'll do. But as you bring Malop over to squeeze it out into his glass You make that be a large or a venti or a medium venti You know what the fucking venti means 20 ounces Yeah, this is huge as you bring them up over it sloshes disgusting brown liquid all over the counter the floor

Sitting here with like paper towels right like a fucking cat wearing a pounce alright today, but we're on his leaves Customer he takes a sip and he goes I've definitely never had something like this before he puts one dollar in the tip jar He just tipped us. I don't think you paid us Who's on the counter? Yeah. Who's on the counter? That was me. Oh, you're on the counter? I'll be the first to say that I forgot to collect payment for the mop water.

Look at it a different way. We got rid of some mop water for free. That's fair. From across the room, just hear this very loud. As he starts, Jeremy starts writing something scribbling on the clipboard in front of him and just shakes his head very slightly moves off But guys, I don't know that might be a good thing. Yeah Fantasy for Jeremy Jeremy's a sad little youth in a shack

Like maybe his dream is to boss people around in a coffee shop in this case for doing a good job Yeah, maybe he wished like he had a team that wasn't good And then like his inspiration like made them better. That would be my story I would tell. I mean, like a coach, you know? I talk to Daddy, and I think one of us has to have sex with somebody. I think I will. I just am waiting for a cute regular to come in,

and we can flirt gently. As you say that, the ding-a-ling, the door opens again, and Erin O'Neil, the local county health inspector, I will! that the ding-a-ling the door opens again and Erin O'Neill the local county health inspector And under Erin's arm is a clipboard and attached to the back of the clipboard is some sort of glowing That's that's fine. I it doesn't need to be open for me to inspect you. Yes, it does Is anyone here open for inspection and I kick Ron in the shin? Yeah Does anybody here? Remember their wife Here open for inspection and I kick Ron in the shin Anybody here remember their wife

It's my job to come in I agree it's probably not gonna work I see that there's disgusting mop water all over the floor and all over the counter I see that there's disgusting mop water all over the floor and all over the counter Yeah you do come in here like it's your job. What can I get you? You can get me a tour of the facilities so I can give you a rating I don't think you're gonna be getting this she says pulling up a couple pictures from a clipbook and revealing the glowing magically infused a rating on the back of her sheet. Ron if you play your cards out she might come in here. If I play my cards right you might come in here I'm in here no and I can hear you know in the other sense of the term hey I have to clarify wait she revealed a

page I had like the rating on it yeah she, roll side of A. Imagine if that's how it worked in real life, dog. I got 18. Okay you take the fucking A. Alright, immediately the second your hand touches the A, the entire coffee AU begins to get sucked into the page. As it happens you're a great job. Darren would you say that you're inspired by your manager to do well for the franchise? I mean, I think, I don't know. I'm just playing the game. They said, get an A, I got the A. That was good, right?

Yeah, and I didn't have to do anything against my marriage. Yeah, but you should remember the thoughts that you had. Okay. Just hang in there, Ron. We haven't been gone that long. We'll get home. The coffee shop begins to dissolve around you and is replaced with a field of white.

And that white resolves itself into ice beneath your feet. And around you, you see a bunch of small black dots that begin to resolve themselves into chairs. And you look up and you see a very large black cube with flashing images on each side of it. And as you look down, you see a very large black cube with like flashing images on each side of it And as you look down you see lines beginning to appear on the ice long sticks Peer in your hands you almost slip as iron blades come out of the bottom of your shoes And you find yourself in a hockey a you

Real quick in the coffee a you and in the hockey a you Ron actually doesn't have a wife I don't think his name was Greg. It is now. I don't even know. It was Goofo Mboofo, I believe. Goofo Mboofo. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.

I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.

I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I don't think his name was Greg. It is now. It wasn't his name. I don't even know.

I just said it. It was Goofo Meboo, I believe. Or something like that. I don't know who Greg Proops is, but I like Greg Proops. Yeah. You know who Greg is? Chris the guy from Blue Slides? He's got blue lines anyway.

Oh, that's right. I got glasses. He's also got two heads. Yeah. That's what I'm crazy. Welcome, welcome, one and all, to the final of the Super Lou hockey tournament the winner The winner will take on this beautiful cup and you see a glowing

Magical cup up here on the screen above you but first they're gonna have to win this game on the left side of the ice Yeah! From my perspective, the team on the left is... First, they have to win this game! My left, your right, half of your right! Look at soccer! This team has to win this game! Imagine soccer with more stuff! And fighting!

Less players, but more fighting! On my left, some of your rights. Yeah? We see the daddies! And you look down and you're wearing like Mighty Ducks jerseys, but they've got like, I don't know, picture Payton's head or something. Or, it's a Pet Boys thing. You're wearing like Pet Boys sponsored jerseys. Do we get sponsored by the Pet Boys? That's delightful. It's like the one you get in an episode. Although that's technically, that's later, who cares? And on the other team, we have the undefeated,

the reigning and defending champions, the Super Hoolockers. We also named the tournament after them. And as you look over, you see, fucking rigged, you see a bunch of all men, almost all white men, I think. Yeah, they're all white men in hockey gear. You see what appears to be two brothers who have weirdly sexual tension with each other. You see- I just recognize them.

Is that what I want that? I'm not into Winsest. That is the first term. Winsest? Yeah, Winsest. You see two detectives who also weirdly kind of have sexual tension with each other. Is this from Elementary? No. No.

This is Sherlock. This is Sherlock. You see Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman. But Elementary is a version of Sherlock. Yeah, basically. Because they made Watson a woman? Yeah. Okay.

And you also see what appears to be a time traveling twink with a long brown coat. But is it like David Tennant or is it like... Okay, okay. You see David Tennant, the brothers from Supernatural and Sherlock and Watson. Because Super Who-lock is an AU thing. Well, that's not AU. It's a fandom that is probably the strongest and worst fandom since Homestuck. Yeah.

Oh God. Hey, Jeremy. Jeremy! Where. Oh God. Hey Jeremy. Jeremy! Where's Jeremy? Where's Jeremy? Where's Jeremy? Jeremy is in the middle. He's got a referee's outfit on.

Oh! A referee? A ref? And he's sort of taking his helmet off and he's just like spreading looking around. He just spits, but he can't spit on the outside. He's like... And he just sort of wipes his mouth. Alright then, let's have it.

Captains to the center please. Oh, um, who wants to be captain? I will be captain. I will be the captain. Captain... Damn dude, Clint. He came up with crazy beans, alright? Who knows what he's got up for here?

AU Hockey Henry has a huge beard, of course. And he's missing like six teeth and he's got like a cool he's already bruised and he's like hey it's me Crazy Bean. Sherlock Holmes skates out to the middle of the rink and in a perfect Benedict Cumberbatch voice says the following. God damn it. Crazy, is it? Well, looking you over quickly I can deduce the following things. One, you've never played this game before.

You're not very good on ice skates. That beard has been recently but fully grown somehow implying some sort of magic at work and you seem to be under your fierce stare and grimace, terrified, which you should be. Ron looks to the crowd, they're never gonna get together. I'm telling you! I'm telling you! I'm telling you!

I'm telling you! In the background, Watson's like, they're not gonna make you happy! The kiss cam at this hockey even just went away. I was like, what the fuck? Crazy Bean has just been slowly skating closer and closer to Benedict Cumberbatch's moist lips this entire time. He's like, well let me tell you something, Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock Holmes,

you think that we're enemies, but will be something different by the time this AU is over, my friend, and I can deduce that you're secretly in love with me by the way that you skated over here, and that's fine by me because I respect myself but I don't respect you yet. Roll intimidation with disadvantage. Oh well that's a two so that didn't go very well. Benedict is not intimidated by your attempt at reverse reading him. He smiffs. Raph is it five for fighting or five for fucking? He looks at you like very perplexed

and a little kind of weirded out and freaked out. He goes, no, I forgot you were a kid. I'm so sorry. Yeah, I'm so sorry. Oh, actually, I want to call a time out real quick. Can we do a huddle? Can we do a huddle before the game starts? We haven't started the game yet.

Just a real quick huddle. Fine, time out. Fine. Guys, I'm worried about Jeremy. Like, this is too tight. Are you? You were just trying to? Well, I'm just trying to get the people what they want,

Darryl. OK. My point is, like, Tati Roper, like, normally, I'm just trying to get the people what they want Darryl My point is like daddy robert like normally like when someone writes one of these a use right like they make themselves like the cool Character at the center of the action but like both times now it's been like yeah, he's been on the sidelines Yeah, I know is like I gotta say I actually agree with you I'm a little bit concerned not all of that He's not making himself a main character in his own story by that he's fucking writing fanfiction But I think I think we need to find a way to make the referee the main character of this AU. And I think by doing that we're gonna turn this AU into gold.

Are you gonna do it once every round or are you gonna find a way to... It's a rule of twos too apparently it's not funny There are all there. I just feel like fanfiction is so often a sexual outlet for marginalized communities, and it's kind of hard to like Extrapolate the kind of sexiness from it, so it's like Sexual feelings are anti I just thought maybe if a kid were to be in a marginalized community, having sexual feelings, they're anti. I can't follow you. No, I'm just saying that it's a challenge that we're dealing with. It's a challenge that we're trying to make a 13-year-old the main character of a fan patient. This hockey-hey-who is on thin ice. I want to roll Insight to see if I can get inspiration for that.

If Jeremy wants to play in the game. Go ahead, roll insight. While this is happening, Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock keeps making eye contact with Henry and fondling the end of his scarf. I believe I'm minus one insight, so 17. While he's doing that, Henry looks at Benedict Cumberbatch and fondles the end of his beard. Jeremy, do you secretly want to be playing in this?

What is it that Darrell sees when he looks into your soul? You absolutely see the fact that not only does he want to play, he also wants to play in one of the striking positions, but he also, you can tell there's like a sense of aura around him that he knows because his dad keeps telling him that when poor his dad fucked off, that he's just not strong enough to do it. He's just not good enough to do it.

He desperately wants to play, but he thinks, well, at least referee, I get to be a part of the game. So Darryl looks at Henry and like winks at him. He goes, all right, Henry, I guess I'll take striker position, and then he leaps in the air and then lands to break his own leg. Like to fake break or do I really break it?

No, he's trying to break it. He's like, well this is fake, all this is all fake now, right? It's probably still gonna hurt. No, Darryl, we're still real. I already left in midair, I can't change my mind. Okay, roll dexterity with disadvantage because you're trying to hurt yourself.

Or acrobatics, I guess. A nine and a sixteen. Yeah, it's definitely gonna do it. You land, your ankle rolls, there's a loud snap as some fucking bone in your foot fucks up. I'm so sorry! You're gonna need to strike her because I have abnormally small feet for my size.

It'll have to be a smaller person. I'm sorry, Daryl. I thought this was hockey. I thought you fucking manned that shit. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I'm sorry, I can't. The only thing I feel capable of doing right now in this much pain is being a ref. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I'm sorry to ruin the game. We're really going to find a striker. There's just calamities going on. Jeremy sort of skates up and goes shh and stops right at you, spraying you with a bit of ice.

He goes, what's the problem? Why aren't you a player? I broke my leg and this team doesn't have a striker and the only thing I can do is being a ref. But that can't work out because you're a ref and you're not a striker and I guess this game's just ruined because I'm so clumsy. You see Jeremy looking down at your ankle. But the game has to play. Somebody have to play this because you can't just not play. Oops, my skates fell off. I'm only another pair of shoes. If I'm another pair of feet, I could go in these shoes. Henry's flipping through the rules of the hockey game and says,

According to the book, there's no rule that says a ref can't join one of the teams that be the striker, as long as they're a boy, pure of heart and brave of spirit. And I look at the dog, and I look at Jeremy. There's a dog waiting in the penalty box. With Christopher Eggleston. Oh, Jeremy, I don't want, oh, you probably love rugby. I'm sorry, I wouldn't want to force you to do that, but oh, if somebody could be, if you could be the striker, I guess then my friends could still play hockey.

Jeremy sort of looks around at all of you, looks at your eyes and looks at Ron. Yeah, we live for hockey. He goes, all right, Ron, I'll do it for you. For him? He just gently pats, he goes, shh, and then just takes off your boot and puts it on. Pull the skates off of Daryl's broken breath. And then puts it on and then just goes, okay, you gotta be the referee,

so you have to like, here's the whiffle. Oh great. Guys, you're gonna win. So. Henry turns back to Benedict Humberbatch and says, so what do you say, Sherlock, are you? And then he flips the puck in the air, down the puck. Oh.

Oh, God. I blew it, I'm sorry. I take away that inspiration I gave you earlier. And then he flips the puck in the air down the puck I'm sorry I take away that inspiration I gave you earlier Toss the buck to Jeremy I go I don't know how to play hockey you start Yeah, get to the captain now man Ron skates up to who's the actor that plays Watson Yeah, and Ron's like you're the hot one Knows that you're the actually hot one. I don't know why people thought that Sherlock was the hot one Your team is down two players down thought that Sherlock was the hot one. Offside. He's not as bad. All right, we're on power play as offside. All right, go. Your team is down, two players down.

God damn it, I'm gonna break up this penalty box. So Jeremy's getting something good. Okay, time out ref, time out. Yeah, we got it. Okay. Do as many as you want. What is the game gonna start? What is this?

So who's actually left on the team? It's Henry and Ron, right? It's Glen and Payton. That's it? Oh, fuck it. So he calls in, Guys, guys, come over. Listen, we've got to get our shit together.

What's going on? What are you doing? Listen, let's go for a power move. Glen, you're going to take the puck up the park up Tati You're gonna go wide. I'm gonna distract the ref with my no, you know what fuck that you distract the ref I'm gonna go for a club Tati go wide pass it to me almost just just win this game. All right, very easy very easy I got do I do paid it? Here's how we're gonna distract the ref take out you start driving the Zamboni immediately Roll it on by the time you say that, he's already gone. I'll beat him. He's disappeared into the, uh, wherever the Zamboni lives, I guess.

The rest of the team is just sort of watching this happen, like, all right. This is great. They're all warmed up, and now they're all cooled down, and we'll be able to beat them. Let's go. Quack. Quack. Quack.

Quack. Hey, I know this. Quack. Quack. So we create the Flying the flying V formation was it three guys? you need three points for a V! do you want to talk tactics? oh yeah yeah yeah good idea now that we actually do have a time out let's have a time out and let's actually do it for real

I should be out of the penalty box right now oh no here's what we do roll stealth and then it'll be like Ron's out of the penalty box Yeah, but it would happen while Anthony didn't notice and then I'll be out of the penalty box But you'd have to roll back. Oh you roll the 20 crazy Wow Okay 12 and I'm the ref you gotta be the 12 What'd he get? I hit four.

Ron, Ron, Ron! It's only like 10 seconds left in the penalty. Just chill. Oh, sorry, I should've rolled with advantage. Beat the man, he's pizza! Oh, you're right. You can roll with advantage. A one?

A one! Only like five seconds left, you're fine. Ron, just wait, just wait. What? The penalty is done. What's going on? We waited out the penalty, dude. So you just wait, just wait. What? Penalty's done. What's going on? We waited out the penalty, dude. Yeah.

So you were a lowercase V. Yes. Oh, by the way, you know, Henry's not there. Henry's disappeared. You don't know where Henry is. You're lying. Huh? I mean, without you, it's a lie.

You have a lowercase L, dude. It's a backslash. Jeremy's like, let's get for me. Shepard does it, and Henry's like, I think they don't need me. No, I'm out of the penalty box. It's two kids. I'm out of the penalty box. Yeah, Ron left the penalty box. Backslash While you're gone that was the two minutes of Rod in the penalty box and runs out of the time the other team scored four Hey, then you gotta be the goalkeeper you gotta stop the puck from going in I'm so small The post goes everywhere except for my body body He's driving the Zamboni remember. Oh, that's why there's no one in goal shit Put the Zamboni in front of the goal. They'll never score. That's allowed

Okay, we hard cut you 45 minutes later And you're winning by 30 points because the Zamboni is blocking your goal. That's not dramatic It's gotta be like we're down by one and there's three seconds left Can you make that happen ref sure yeah? Yeah, it's quit as close the golden buck falls down on and it's like Daryl Daryl crawls out to the center, and he holds up a golden puck and he looks at both teams like now I know The good team is up by how many points? Both teams like now I know The good team is up by how many points?

50 50 points and you though team of that everyone's have sex with is down by 50 points But this puck here is worth 51 points. So you do the math And I crawl back play ball The zamboni is out of the way everybody's back on the ice. This is a proper final round of hockey. What do you do? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do the hidden But I'm actually gonna give it to Jeremy. Okay, so you're gonna pass it. No, I'm gonna do the hidden pug trick. Where I'm doing all these like, I'm like, just like, Okay, roll deception.

Can I assist? Can I roll stealth? Yes, you can roll stealth. So Jeremy's gonna sort of go parallel on the other side. What's with these fucked up rolls? And just escape with you, like giving you winking and nodding. Me the first time I was at a vegan bakery. You're at an eight. That was funny, I got that.

But I got like plus 11 or something like that. You do, you have a very big plus, so that's fine. So you managed to discreetly pass the puck to Jeremy. Jeremy, what are you gonna do with it? You're just gonna power straight forward. Jeremy doesn't know that I have it. The doctor is standing in front of you. A beautiful twink blocks your passage. What do you do?

I'm gonna check dr. Who into the fucking board. Yeah, okay, I roll another time Okay, so you're pretty much open Jeremy, what would you like to do? I want to charge straight to the goal. Who's in front of me for me of the team? Who's still left? Sherlock Watson and Dean and Sam Winchester. I think both Dean and Sam Winchester are making out curiously in the water. Yeah, they're wincesting right in front of the goal. And they're both hurt. And they're both trying to patch each other up. And it's like why is it sexy? I don't know. They start, like as you get closer you can see that they're not actually making out but they both have tears in their eyes and Dean is like, we just gotta block this one goal

Sammy. We just gotta block this one goal. And Sam's like, Dean, I don't know man. I'm gonna find mom's demon. I have a question about Wincest. Oh no. Okay. Is it okay?

No, this is not really a question. This is a very naive question and I'm sorry. But I've always wondered this and I've never done my own research. Really? Do the WinCest stories all start with them finding out they're adopted? Do you know what I mean?

I don't know. I've never... It feels like that would defeat the purpose of WinCest. I can weigh in on this. The purpose of Winses. I can weigh in on this. Okay. No. That's true. Okay then, so like, I'll just do the question. That would just be two normal people having sex.

Which would not- Where's the point of that? Yeah, that's the end of the gap. What the hell, Will? Why does one of them- Do you watch porn and you're like, I don't think this girl's really his stepmother. Yeah, Will does the-

But no, but you're mad like, the stepbrother thing is like they're not related, do you know what I mean? That's why it's not Wincess. Wincess does such a powerful force in the fandom that there is fully one third of two seasons of Supernatural dedicated to dealing with it. I'm not kidding. It is a subplot on the show that they know it exists and they hate it.

So, wow. I regret that I know this. Welcome to Hell. How are you going to deal with the homoerotic brothers in front of you? So, I was thinking tactically, so I might just pull out a gun. There you go. He's beginning to believe you. It's your fantasy, it's your fiction, yeah.

But it's not a gun that kills them, it just sort of like... It makes them adopted. It makes them adopted. So he pulls the gun at one of them and goes, read this. And he pulls it and it fires and it's a deed. And it turns out very clearly that the lines, that's sort of where their parents are from,

where their hometown was, that they're clearly, it's okay if they want to fuck. It's just, And you know what's like the inverse of that? We're all so attracted to each other. It kind of ruins it. It's kind of like the inverse of that Icelandic're all sexually attracted to each other. Yeah, I was really. I kind of ruined it. It's got like the inverse of that Icelandic app that they all have to use. Yeah. Okay, so roll.

What was that roll, Anthony? Rollins. Persuasion. Persuasion. Persuasion. That's not gonna go well. That is a 16, actually. Okay.

That's cool. They look at the deed and then they slowly look up to each other and then they embrace their hands and they just skate off the ice together. And as they do that, I'm gonna line up a Power Shot and just fucking smash it. Wait, right before he does that, in the stands, you see Henry has dressed up like Jeremy's father. Oh no!

Oh my God! How do you know what he looks like? I ask, scam likely, what his dad looks like. Like this! Okay, so then I dressed up like that and Henry's there like you're not strong enough Jeremy you Fucking gamble well, so this is gonna be the one that puts it over right do what I mean roll intimidation But you want to fail I got a seven oh you did fail your words have a lot of spite behind them

But they do not actually affect Jeremy. Jeremy finds a bravery within himself as he shoots the puck. Go ahead and give me a ranged attack roll, please, Jeremy. Oh, God help us. That is not good. That's not good at all. Ron wants to inspire Jeremy. Okay. Yeah. How? By dressing up as his mom and skating off to the side and be like, Jeremy. We're so proud of you. I

Got a four initially, but if I get inspiration, I'm willing to roll again. Yeah, thank you very much a 13. Oh wait, wait, it's okay cuz in hockey if you miss it'll just come back around to you That's kind of the problem with hockey. You ever realize that? It works because in hockey, you miss 99% of the net. You miss 100%. You miss, you miss, you miss. Goal! The golden puck hits the back of the net.

And the good team wins by one Close match a Golden trophy descends from the sky seemingly just hovering like the fucking trophy cups from Mario Kart 64 And it lands in the center of the ice this belongs to Stanley. Where is he? So in the stands you see Henry as Jeremy's father going no I bet all my money against my son There goes I haven't felt this good since I went to an orphanage Before you broke your leg. Ah, Glenn skates up. Ref, it's time to name the MVP of the match. Yeah, it's like Overwatch.

Just like an Overwatch. We show the play of the game. The MVP of the match is only one person who with a single goal made 51 points, which is more than double the entire points of the match. And that goes to Jeremy. So you can see Jeremy looking around and sort of raises up his little stick and goes up to Ron and hugs Ron. Ron!

We should put him on our shoulders! And just stands there. You see, right in the corner of his eye He just he looks so happy, but he also sort of like look is looking around in the stands for somebody who's no longer there and he looks a little confused and looks around and Then he sees are you still his dad? Yeah, he's been his father being hauled away by two loan sharks But you see him sort of like dismissed that and he's still looking around for somebody that's just not there And then he's sort of like stick comes down and he just holds the trophy up and goes. Oh no, we did it So as you touch the trophy the ice dissolves underneath you and you find yourself falling falling falling and

Just to be clear Darrell's leg is still for sure, bro You feel yourself falling and then you feel yourself land on hard ground. Ah! Oh! Oh! I was thinking that too! Everybody simply separate Darryl.

Darryl, you did this, man. I didn't think, you said it was fake. You said you didn't have a wife anymore. Yeah, I don't! What is this? What's happening? Okay, my legs are broken. Okay. Okay, so, you landed. You're laying on both of them? Yeah, I don't! What is this? What's happening? Okay, my legs are broken. Okay. Okay, so as you land...

You land on both of them? Yeah, I landed on one leg. You guys had two legs to land on. I had one! One leg's a double leg. You broke the other leg. It's fine, I'll make it through. It's not real like you said. You have two legs to... So both of your legs are broken. over the sound of your own screams you hear music being played on Mandolins and other stringed instruments. Oh, no, it's the arcade fire a you

All right number by like All around you you see booth set up you see long strings with like ribbons on them, decorations, and more than that you see actually something that's pretty familiar to you. You see humans and elves, orcs and tieflings and tieflings. And you feel like to some extent you're back in the Forgotten Realm. No. Henry literally just by like touching the ground and tasting is like we're in a Renfair AU.

No. That's it right? No. No! That would have been cool. I don't think so Henry. No, I know. We're in a Renfair AU.

Okay guys, so here's, Polyamory is the name of the game, okay? We're all here, we're all groovy, we're here to eat turkey legs and just have a good time, okay? You're gonna find the guy who does the weird glass blowing. That's your it As all of you are getting to your feet you see a pair of well manicured too soon You see an extremely well-dressed pair of legs approach you

You're looking up. I'm doing like a fucking legs go all the way up. I wish I had though It's a it's a muppet babies. Ayu is the mom for muppet babies you see a very attractive man walking toward you with very pale skin and bright white hair and Amanda what what does he say or do? Oh? I uh I uh He's so shy oh my my god he's so shy. He makes him so much hotter.

He doesn't want to smell me. Even though we're in chemistry class together. He looks like he wants to eat you. He sort of glances you all over, more or less dismissively, and lingers over Daryl. Hi. And goes, darling, are you going to use all that blood?

What? Oh, God. That's so much. Well, this just took an interesting turn. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Fizz. Fizz.

The concept of fizziness? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, mobile plans. 100% online. Is this Fizz the ambitious yordle from League of Legends? No, stop. Sorry, amphibious. I don't know if he's ambitious. Anthony, you used to write for League of Legends.

Is he ambitious? Yeah, he's amphibious, not ambitious. He just likes to hang out. I wrote stories about Fizz. I really did. Fizz offers community personalized mobile plans with complete transparency because their members are at the center of their decisions, which means no hidden fees, no false promises.

Fizz is 100% online. I'm sorry, I can't get over Anthony saying, like, a guy at a bar who's, like, recalling his grizzled ward. He's like, I wrote stories for Fizz. Yeah, I really did. I wrote for Fizz. Here's some things that they do. Unused data, it transfers over to the next month. That's right. You don't worry about it. Don't worry about sucking up all that data month at a time. And you're rewarded just by being there. The more you stay, the more you're rewarded. Earn free data and dollars off.

You can give your data to any Fizz member. When you subscribe using our promo code, you get 10 gigs plus 25 bucks. That promo code is fizz C F-I-Z-Z letter C learn more by checking out the website fizz.ca Are you a vampire? What? Why would you ask me? You didn't say like are you okay? Well, I can see you're not okay. Both of your legs are broken. I would love to use this blood, but it's pretty bad once it leaves the body. So you can have it.

It's alright, Daryl. This is one of the guys at the red fair. Why are you confused? I'm answering the question you asked me. Hi there. Which way to the turkey legs? What? Do they take apple pay at this fair? You're deranged. I like that.

So you hear carnival barkers all around you. You can tell that you were in the city of Baldur's Gate during a festival. You were in the circus? Literally kill me. Yeah, we were in the circus. We were in the circus. With lots of other people around as well. A ton of other people.

All of them will be voiced by you. If we're near Baldur's Gate, where's Balto? And you see a stage where a couple of minstrels are playing songs and then they come off and An NPC who's like pretty well designed considering how many of them there are in the game But like not so designed you feel like he's got a quest associated with him walks up onto the stage Very very thin needle to thread there. Walks up onto the stage and says so everybody knows the Baldur's Gate talent show, the third annual one, is happening right now. And if you can come up and if you're the most entertaining

people in the city, in the fair, in the circus, we will give you this. And we'll be- That got very granular. Yeah, we will make a statue out of you. And he gestures at a big hunk of rock with a guy with a chisel next to it, like waiting, like feraleral waiting to carve into it with This hammer and chisel. Jeremy do you want that statue? Yes

That's good. That makes sense. Just so I understand guys Is this like an AU where we're all in something that's much better and more successful than the thing that we are Henry you could turn into a bear and then and then Man oh Oh, Henry, you could turn into a bear and then... And then what? And then what, Ron? Oh, man. Oh, man. Jimmy, you were gonna say something about the statue that you wanted. Yeah, the thing is about the statue is that you have to be really good at the talent show,

which means you have to be in front of people to do a thing and I've never been able to do it because you have it's really people watching you. Oh, and by the way, the judge for the talent show is our friend, Asterion the vampire and he gestures at the white man. I want to hear more from this vampire. I bet he wants to talk a lot right now. I'd like to hear more from this vampire.

Asterion, hi, I have a lot of questions about the talent show. This is my hell. We don't know the rules. Yeah, could you explain the rules? Could you say it in that funny and very specific way that you say but don't tell us where the adults Jeremy hear this kid He wants to hear the rules from you if you can just make eye contact Will it help great will it help if I hold your hand with you Why are you saying it? That'd be great! Will it help if I hold your hand? Yeah these are all wonderful suggestions and I'm so happy that we're doing them!

Astarian says, Oh good, idiots and children, my favorite. Come here, little boy, child. They're holding hands. He's too young to hold hands, right? I'm barely holding a finger. Why is it sticky? It looks like you're holding space for the lyrics of Fine Grab.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy now.

I hope you're happy. We're in queer media, so. Yeah, that's true. Go up on the stage. Do something fabulous. Don't let me get bored. So Jeremy takes his hand, like looks at the hand and sort of looks at all of you.

And just sort of goes up there and stands there and goes Here's my act. And he sort of looks around and he's got these like different balls that suddenly appear out of nowhere. And they're different colors. And he puts the balls in one hand and he takes a handkerchief. And then he does this and goes boop. It's an audio medium, my friend. Oh, that's right. Another thing is I got too comfortable. That's what happened.

I was like, this is great. This is fantastic. I just showed them. Four little balls that appear. He puts them in his hand, takes like a red handkerchief, drapes it across his hand, and just poof, and they just disappear from his hand. And Glenn's in the crowd. Whoa!

I am waved at right, dude, juicing the crowd. Holy fucking shit! What the fuck, those balls were there! Witchcraft, burn him! Okay, roll performance. He's sweating quite a lot, which is sort of an art imitation. I thought you were gonna press up because he's nervous! Yeah, I thought he was gonna juggle.

That is a six. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Anthony, I have a question. Can I lend bardic inspiration in the sense that I was shouting, Holy fucking shit, what the fuck just happened? That sounds like bardic inspiration to me, yeah. Alright, so I'm gonna roll again. I mean, that's not how bard Bartek inspiration me. Yeah, all right Roll again, I mean that's not how bargains. Yeah sure go ahead And he's like I thought Anthony and he's like whatever

Six plus So you got a natural 20 Freddy cool doesn't mean anything you were He say that one for later Like I want to bank it I want you to bank it Put that one in your pocket like the fucking villager from Animal Crossing and Smash Put that roll in the fridge So you rolled what Jeremy? Initially a six With plus three I guess

Do you have Matt's suggestion? Oh no no no here's what I do You know that fireworks spell that I have Behind him Right? But then behind him. Right? In front of the stage. But then behind him, a sick fireworks show goes off. Okay. Silently.

Okay. So in this world, quiet, where everyone has magic, they saw a guy make a couple balls disappear and then a silent parade of fireworks behind him. That's what you think impressed them. But the fireworks like those Chinese drone shows, you have time now. Yes. It's very slow moving, but it's like a guy. You know what I'm saying? Have you seen these drones?

Yes I have. But like all the people around you are still being like, yeah, it's a can trick. Yeah, and they're barely impressive now, and we don't have magic. How does the Starion react to seeing this? It could not look more bored and slightly creeped out. And also sort of like, obviously attention is being drawn away is still sort of just like eyeing Darryl where he has been left by his friends to bleed out helplessly on the ground, which is like much more appealing than whatever the fuck else is happening.

Darryl, you're winning them over. What you're doing, man. Drive him, Darryl. Drive. Bribe him, Daryl. Bribe him with your blood, Daryl. Oh, whoever wins, hey, hey you, Asterian? Yeah, look at me, Asterian. Don't look at him. Look at him, look at you.

Look at me. I don't really know how these things work, but if there's anything I could do to sweep the pot. I got a glass right in my blood. And I got like glass over my blood. I'm like. As you say that living is like a squirt from your familiar heart. It's like, look, I can just leave me enough to live.

I'll close my eyes. Just take what you want. Daryl, it's okay. Maybe we'll have like a Grey's Anatomy AU or a House M.D. AU. Just hang on, buddy. I am, I'm gonna remember. I'm closing my eyes. I know this isn't real

We're gonna come out of this. It's just somebody's bad. It's not real. That's a great idea Darryl Jeremy Maybe your talent could be writing fan fiction extemporaneously on this stage You know, but people can read I don't know if they want people to read it or not. That's fair. Laughter Some talents aren't made for talent shows. It's not the fault of the talent. Henry would like to talk to Skam likely again real quickly. I grab a phone. He's behind you.

Skam! Woo, hello! Hey, it doesn't seem like it's going very well You can drain me dry just no no no I mean like this is all going great But I mean it also it felt like at the end of the last a you Jeremy like he was looking for someone you know is there anyone else that like he misses Do you know anything about like his whole deal? It just seems like he's still kind of sad so I just don't want him to win this one, too And then still be sad like so like what's that little extra thing?

We're missing do you know what I mean? I think it's his mom I got Ron was there as his mom last time and like yeah But Ron is not the best at dressing up like Ron looks like Ron Hey scam scam what oh nice legs thanks is his mama like Are we gonna find the mom? the picture Research this poor poor boy. Yes, his parents abandoned him told him they would be back with With with fantasy cigarettes both of them abandoned him because they couldn't support mom and dad. Yes, both of them sucked

Yes, okay, which is why it's okay that he goes to an orphanage cool they couldn't support. Mom and dad. Yes. Both of them sucked. Yes. Okay. Which is why it's okay that he goes to an orphanage. Cool. Who in this world do you just call to bring a kid to an orphanage? You want him to take it against his will. I'm not saying against his will. Oh, fine, we'll figure it, just hang up.

I can't. I'm right behind you. You're behind me? Why aren't you talking on the phone? I don't know. Oh, hey scam. Hey, what's up? Not much. So you think this vampire can bite you or what? No, I think that- Yeah, I like where this was going by the way. I think that we should adapt Jeremy and re-record all of season one with you. We record all of season one with you. What if we killed me and then Jeremy did my voice

and acted like me for the rest of the show so it's still canonical and you call me Pavem but I'm actually Jeremy. During this entire conversation, as Darien has knelt down and has like three like really nice goblets and now a canteen that he's just holding up next to the artery. Yes, Darien, it's called improv.

We're masters, Eddie. It's called improv Guys I have I have one thought on how to get Jeremy to an orphanage On how Jeremy could really he could win this thing, okay? It's only if Jeremy is like okay with doing this when he's not at work But maybe a starion is really into impressions Jeremy could do an impression of a starion do I mean and that seems like something that like I don't know the audience would be Good idea, but he's definitely have to roll performance and that will determine how good the impression is. Maybe, maybe, maybe, Scam, you can be the new judge

and you close your eyes and you try to tell which one is a starian or something like that. Do you know what I mean? Just impress a starian, I like that. Does Jeremy think this is an okay plan? Jeremy is not sure who a starian is, but is up for it. The judge. Well, it's the vampire you're talking to. The vampire, the vampire.

Oh, this guy. Oh yeah, sure. He's sucking Darryl dry right now, god damn it. Yeah, Jeremy, hey, it's me, Henry. We haven't had a lot of time to talk on the adventure other than when I was a dog earlier But like that was honestly that was pretty freaky. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean to scare you that's sort of a therapy thing We do in our world happens in orphanages Sorry what? Freaking something that doesn't happen in orphanages. I was just sorry. I was just grocery stores in LA. He's my service dog!

It's okay that he's not on a leash. I think one way to win this- this judge seems like if you just like made fun of him in his own voice or something like that, that seems like it would go really well. Do you think you can do that? Can you be mean? You don't seem like a mean kid, but like maybe you got a lot of anger bottled up over like what happened with no offense your parents And like you could just kind of unload that on him or something like that. I think I could try that okay Yeah, but okay, and he seems like this little tiny little tear in his eye when he mentioned parents Oh, and he just sort of sits like I

I think I could do that You know what Henry taps you on like in the chest is like use that Yeah, okay, so go ahead and roll performance all right well, it's like a really fucked up version of a backwards audition The scam know that in general kids don't choose to go to orphanages It's a thing that like the state does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happens? It's not like, maybe the rules are different in this world. Gerald, who's got two broken legs and she shut the fuck up? You. I mean, I don't have a wife.

Maybe orphanage is here. I know. And my legs are going to be fine after this. Yeah, because I told you, I will write a House MD fanfic so good. It will fix you write-up. Jeremy, what did you get for your roll? I got 13. You see sort of Jeremy sort of flexing his shoulders, sort of like, flopping his hair and just generally being kind of like a bit of a thirst trap.

And just sort of standing there and thumbs up to Henry. I rolled a 13. I have no idea what that means. I'm going to roll a d20. And if I roll higher than you, you have to do a bad Asterian. Okay. Excellent. My worst, okay, good.

I rolled a 19. Right. We don't want that. Oh God. Okay, so this is how my career ends. Excellent. Come to Dungeons and Daddies, it'll be fun. It's just too much. So he comes to thegeons and Daddies, it would be fun.

So he comes to the centre and goes, ahem, hello? Glass of water? Oh yeah. No, I'll get it. You stay there. He takes it from my coach, acting coach. Hello darling, careful. I bite. And then just after that, just puts his hands to the sides

and opens up his head and just looks at the audience and looks at Henry and just winks. Beautiful, just like we rehearsed it. Well, the nice thing is that Astarian's been like straight pounding human blood, like fresh hot human blood. So canonically, he's wasted. So this is the funniest thing he's ever seen in his life and he fucking loves it.

And doesn't even take the chalice away from his mouth so he can't speak but is like. Glint fireworks now. Waving his hand for like a thumbs up. Second round of fire. Like yes 100%. The man with the chisel. They're fucking chrome dude.

The man with the chisel looks at Asterion and sees Asterion waving him forward as if to say this kid wins and Chisels a statue of a starion. Sorry. Sorry. Chisels that you have Jeremy Oh my god, no, I didn't win the town. Did you see who was in the crowd? It's a town scouts about orphanage When you say who's in the crowd Jeremy immediately sort of like looks forward goes is she is she and he just looks around In the role of a lifetime is now playing a star is mother Or performance

I'm playing Jeremy's mother. Role deception or performance. No, I'm playing Jeremy's mother. I was already, I was already. You did a bad job, Ryan. You did a bad job. I didn't believe you. That's not true. It is I, your mother.

No, it is I. So you look, Jeremy looks at these two mothers. Jeremy, we are your mothers. No, I'm the true mother. I said sexual attention. Yes, fellow mother, we are not related, are we? No, we are not related. We are not related.

We are not related. We are not related. We are not related. We are not related. We are not related. We are not related. We are not related. We are not related. We are not related. We are not related. We are not related. We are not related. No, I'm the true mother. Did I say sexual attention? Oh yeah, dude!

Yes, fellow mother, we are not related, are we? We are related! Hayden goes, ehhh! And runs up and touches the statue before you can kiss each other. And as he does, the world of Baldur's Gate falls away and is replaced with darkness. And you find yourselves in the room of an inn But fairly fantasy ass kind of in again and not unfamiliar to you and you come to a horrible realization Which is that broken? Well your legs are definitely so great you realize Given the number of you and given the number of beds

One of you is gonna have to share beds with another person for the night. I can just leave on the floor guys. I can't really We're not doing that to Darrell. He's got two broken legs. We should all say one bad You all stay in one bed The next just to be clear two kids get the other Kids aren't one bed not the kids each have their own beds It's because I'm one bad not the kids each have their own beds Okay, the dads all wake up mmm each of you, please give me a Constitution roll oh No, I got a one

Okay, wait a minute chicken dinner 12 plus one. I also got a one will oh no oh no 13 when you wake, you notice two things. Specifically, two bulging things. What? You see that Ron and Henry appear to have gotten pregnant. How did this happen? And you see within their bellies, something is glowing. the baby itself is the totem that will allow you to escape This fanfic and you can feel suddenly there's two splooshes and stereos as your waters break. Oh my god

This is, this is so- Where's the birth plan? Who has the birth plan? It's been a while I'm dilating Henry's bra I can't talk to this wife, she's mid Sherriby, what the fuck I'm dilating Wait, I can't talk to this wife, she's mid Jeremy, what the fuck Jeremy, are you like, Jeremy waddles over? Are you like the doctor in this one? What's going on?

Jeremy saw his hands are open like, aye I wrote this one myself, this is a scam like the original, sorry Oh gosh, we need to find that one guy that got us both pregnant Yeah, where is he? You put this baby in me and you're gonna get out oh Glenn Ron what? Run Henry. You're both adults are in the same situation that you two should just figure it out You just help each other Ron Henry, you're both adults are in the same situation that you two should just figure it out No, no pregnant mom huddle Jeremy this is only for pregnant moms and our coven of male outbursts.

So you have to step outside for a second. We have something very important to talk about. So if you could just like do like a fan fiction thing and think about fan fiction. Or just, okay, okay guys, he's out of the room. Ron and I need to die in childbirth. Oh. And then we're gonna give birth to the kids. And you're gonna show that it's okay and cool when kids go to orphanages. Because you're gonna take the kids to an orphanage and that's how

Jeremy's can learn that orphanages are cool. Okay. Oh, so like no, no, the kids are born. Then you die. Yes, we're going to die. No, the kids get born. Okay. Wait, I thought this was an A. U. Not America. Um, okay. I don't know how we make that happen. You're the doctor. You're the, you're the doctor with two broken legs. I'm the doctor. You think it's just going to automatically happen. Like I'm such a bad doctor that when I deliver the baby, you will die. I got it. Darrell is very simple. Okay. This is very important. All right. Don't kill us for real. No, no, no. I got to make it look like we're dead. Okay. Very easy. Both of you, pull.

Oh no, I did it backwards. It's coming out of my mouth now. That must kill the mother. Yes. You shoved it out on your own baby. Aw man. I look out the door, I go Jeremy is not going to grade it there

Um... Yeah I know this isn't for kids Um, I'll update you in a second Oh wait, I've got an idea Oh, wait a second, Ron's got an idea I'll be right back, Jeremy Should I just stand here Should I just stand here

Just stand there Jeremy Cause we're doing it all together Should I just stand here? Should I just stand here? He just stands there with Jeremy He's just working with it all into him It's just our time to go Ron covers himself in the blood from Daryl's legs And then walks out He's like, hey, I'm the baby I'm the baby I was just born

And my mom's dead But that's fine It's fine though, it's even cool I was just born and my mom's dead It's fine though, it's even cool. I'm gonna go to her orphanage now. Roll deception. Please God Glen as the doctor goes damn, that's the coolest child I've ever met. I got it's wealth Why don't you roll opposed insight Jeremy? Sure thing. I got a 16 That's Ron baby. That's Ron, baby. That is Ron covered in fake blood. Well, real blood. So Jeremy just takes her home and goes,

Ron, you did a bad thing. You're right. Tati is sort of like, Oh, hi, Tati. Ron, go back in there. You're right, I gotta go give birth. Yes, yes. It's a whole thing.

You always want here Henry just... Aaaaaaah! Teddy closes the door, so now it's just Jeremy, Teddy and Payton, right? Yeah. All the kids. I don't feel weird. Yeah, this is sort of not where I thought myself was gonna go. Not at all, no. I was quite looking forward to more ice hockey, to be honest. Hahaha!

That's okay, I mean, I guess it's their playtime, so. No, you know what? Hey, hey, Payden, what on three of us, we've got sticks, it's weird out, that's why they didn't have enough rooms, we had to share beds or whatever. Let's go play hockey outside, or these guys push babies out of belly buttons or whatever, fuck. Payden? Yeah. You got a parent, right? Now, you got a one? I think I do not know that yet, but probably yes. Somewhere out there waiting for you?

Somewhere out there I have a dad. So I'm a pan dimensional being so I sort of know a lot of things. How you do it? I mean, so right now you've got no parents at all? That's true. I'm living footloose and fancy free. Well, sort of. I feel better with an authority figure in my life.

Like the kind that work at orphanages. Meanwhile you hear the back row, what do you mean there's no epidurals in the kitchen? I need ice chips! I'm working on my breathing, I'm trying to do it! Glenn on his phone, Alright just keep on going! So you hear the clacking sounds of the three kids outside playing hockey and seemingly having a very good time as Jeremy for the first time is hanging out with two kids of his own age

And then you guys are giving birth Both your old constitution So both of the babies get stuck Oh no. Both of you roll constitution. Oh no. I got a nine. I got an 11. Oh. Make a wish. Nice. So both of the babies get stuck, and a werewolf has to come in and bite them free. Well that's fine. That's not covered by my HMO.

It's actually a Twilight fanfare. Oh, Ron. What? But that happens in Twilight. Ron, enter the werewolves here. Hey. Anybody got a stuck, baby? Okay, I will bond with it a second it comes out

Don't do anything till 18 right no not at all The werewolf doula helps deliver your baby. Hey, that was my job. You were on your phone and look at how well I did. Oh my God, this beautiful baby. It's glowing. I've always, it's glowing. It has a weird CGI face.

The one thing that I could never truly share with Mercedes, my wife, was the experience of childbirth. And now I've experienced it. Now you know everything that a woman knows. Now I know everything a woman knows. Wow, the power of fan fiction really is wonderful. I think that's what I have learned today, is that maybe I should write some M. Preg fan fiction when I get home.

As you say that, the world around you melts again, and you find yourselves back in the shack where you originally met Jeremy. And Scam likely appears out of the floorboards and goes, Well, I hope you all learned something very important today. I did, Scam. I learned what it is to experience what every birthing parent goes through. And it was wonderful and magical and incredibly painful. And there's a hole in my body now where it came out, so... I mean that

hole was already there it's much bigger now yeah can I get a husband stitch see Jeremy these two these two mothers sucked Jeremy how was your time there because you weren't with us most of the time. So you see Jeremy, but he's actually kind of his back's to you and he's not really taking you in. Instead what he's doing is he's actually making a very small picture. And you can tell that it's a picture like a stick figure almost, like kind of almost babyish. But it's clearly that of a woman. And she's just there alone.

And he just looks at it and goes, I can never see her. I try to, but she's never in... She's never there. Your mom? Yeah, get his ass. Boom! And then he sort of goes, yeah, Ron. It's the reason that my dad left.

I was never strong enough. She got trapped. And I tried to go for help. It's the reason that my dad left. I was never strong enough She got trapped and I tried to go for help but it wasn't strong enough because the She got crushed by this tree in I guess I was wrong about why the whole evening situation I apologize for telling you the wrong thing guys, and she looks at the scam lightly goes scam. You've helped Hell yeah, I think it's time to move on with my life, and I think you're right. I probably should go to be off Jesus you're right this kid is a doubter Jeremy there's nothing that provides more a vibrant

environment for writing Than a really sad fucked up thing provides more a vibrant environment for writing than a really sad, fucked up thing. That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing, Jeremy. You're welcome, bro. Yeah, Jeremy, that was beautiful, Jeremy. I feel, I'm glad you got where you are.

I feel like we didn't do much. I feel like we might have, but it seems like you came out the other side pretty good. You know, Jeremy, I think the only A you need is one of these. A, you are a cool kid. These are looks at Henry so smiles, thumbs up. He looks over at Peyton and also Tassie.

And he just goes, you know what? I had a really good time today. Hey, me too man. Oh, the kids helped. That was a lot of fun. We didn't have to do anything. No, I've got no parents so you know. Yeah, if anything, this whole adventure taught me that you don't really need adults around

to have a good time, so. Except for the adults that... At the orphanage. Run the orphanage. But there's a bunch of kids at the orphanage. You need kids your own age to hang out with. So you know, the orphanage has that. Let's go together.

I'll stay with you. I'll abandon these guys and stay with you permanently. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'll abandon these guys and stay with you permanently. Payton, you don't need to go. I called them a long time ago. I think I hear them outside. Yeah, the orphanage people come,

and they grab Jeremy. Oh my god! And they go, you have no say in this! And they drag him back to Waterdeep. Thank you so much for listening to our special. Thank you so much to Amanda Schuchman and Neil Newbon for showing up and doing this stupid, stupid thing with us. And thank you for listening.

Merry Christmas. This was a Christmas episode. All this happened during Christmas, by the way. Thank you for listening to this one shot. Your DM was Anthony Burch. Daryl Wilson was played by Matt Arnold, Henry Oak was played by Will Campos, Ron Stampler was played by Beth May, Glenn Close was played by Freddie Wong. A very special thanks to Neil Newbon who played Jeremy Pithbottom.

Pithbottom? Pithbottom? And Amanda Schuchman who played Tati Roper, Sherlock Holmes, and the one and only Astarian. Our theme song, Alright, was composed by Maxton Waller, Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Ashley Nicolette is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager, Esther Ellis, Hey That's Me, is our lead editor, and Travis Reeves provides additional editing. Did you know that Dad Hammer, episode episode two dropped this week for patrons?

Have a little preview. Whoa. Whoa, hold on. This guy doesn't look this. You don't look how old are you? You did shit. I just many, he says, holding up nine. I can't count. You're going to have to say they did. I'm sure it is. What number?

I'm nine going on 10. Nine nine. And I have my own almost. Where are your muscles? I've already killed two hewitticks today. My muscles. I'm building up them. I'm there. You can't kick you over. Oh, I've fallen in my back like a turtle for just $5 a month. You can get this mini series and many others as well as our aftershows, bonus one shots, videos, so much stuff it would probably take you all of 2025 to get through.

And with that, here's to 2025. The Peachyville Horror will be returning in January. I've not conferred with Anthony at all about what was great. Oh my god, I love that you call him Anthony.