Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 16 - The Fall of the House of Tucker

Starting point is 00:00:00 New year, new me. Season is here and honestly, we're already over it. Enter Felix, the healthcare company helping Canadians take a different approach to weight loss this year. Weight loss is more than just diet and exercise. It can be about tackling genetics, hormones, metabolism. Felix gets it. They connect you with licensed healthcare practitioners

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Starting point is 00:01:46 Controls your water no no no no but my internet went down and I was like all day I really messed my day up there's no water in my whole building right now because they're doing repairs not messing me up even remotely that's crazy how far we've come as human beings because you imagine going back in time to cavemen times of being like you'll have access to infinite water except when you don't and they'll be like what Don't really mess them up. No, no, but you can play fortnight, but you can't play for tonight Oh, no term contracts locked in prices and when you want to go

Starting point is 00:02:14 Zero bucks they even cover the cost of shipping the equipment back So, you know, it's easy because they don't have term contracts six day risk-free satisfaction guarantee Try them out for 60 days. If you don't like them as much as we think you will, you got all your money back. That's it. That's it. Argue with that. If only relationships work that way. Hey coverage across. Paying for relationships Anthony? Well, sometimes, sometimes I don't. Oxio covers most of Canada available in Quebec, Ontario, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Alberta and BC with service in both English and French. It's French. It's in French.

Starting point is 00:02:46 Visit auxcio.ca for internet from a provider that won't ever raise your prices like ever and use the promo code at checkout, Daddy, D-A-D-D-Y, to get your first month free. Our city is on fire and we are going to include a link to the LAFD emergency fund in our show notes, as well as a link to the Los Angeles Mutual Aid Network providing resources to all those impacted by the fires. We love you LA, please hang in there. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Content warnings can be found from the world above.

Starting point is 00:03:49 Beelake, the Ghostman. Kelsey, the Wise. Trud, singer of songs. And Francois, their vengeful boy king. Seeking our treasures, they promised salvation, yet wrought destruction. they promised salvation, yet wrought destruction. Now in Yeti vision, see the sensational story of those that walked with these outer gods and vanished without a trace. Starring Ethel Fuzzyfoot as Amy Adams, the lovely linguist who spoke for our species,

Starting point is 00:04:19 and George Slimeburger as Jeremy Renner, the strapping swamp man whose heart was hers. If only the humans had a word for the way you make me feel, Amy Adams. They do, my darling. They call it love. Also featuring, Harold H. Harryhand as the war mongering Powers Booth, and newcomer Junior Sweetfer as hot shot hover jock Glenn Powell. Do you really trust these wrinkly little weirdos, General? As much as I trust you alone with my daughter, Captain, now shut up and fly. See now the story of their bravery, their love,

Starting point is 00:04:57 and the tragic price they paid to save us from... the humans. Now blink at the abominable drive-in off when they go away. Happy New Year and welcome to Dungeons & Daddies, still not a BDSM podcast. This season, the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu, actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. Freddie, I'm looking at your screen. Did you write it down? Yeah, of course.

Starting point is 00:05:40 I had to. New year, new Freddie. We already made fun of him for writing it down. No, he didn't write it. We made fun for not writing it down. But now he's done it. I just forget the reasons we make fun of him. And that's why bullying works.

Starting point is 00:05:51 Yeah. He wrote that down too, weird. Weird. I've written everything down. You see, I've seen into the future. There's also just like, I see written down a list of our names. So my name is, hold on, let me just check.

Starting point is 00:06:02 Freddie Wong. I play slow talking handyman, Blake Lively. Slow talking? Were you like smart thinker before or something like that? You could be a smart thinker and a slow talker. That's actually a good comment. It was like a deep thinker. I think smart thinking.

Starting point is 00:06:14 Okay, slow talking. By the way, a little Freddie fact. Freddie Wong is now an accomplished audio book narrator. That's right. Yeah. Okay. I've narrated an audio book, my dad's book, Swimming to Freedom is now an accomplished audio book narrator. That's right. Yeah, okay. I've narrated an audio book, my dad's book, Swimming to Freedom is now available on Audible. How many days? How many days?

Starting point is 00:06:30 Yeah, I'm sure I could be an audio book narrator if my dad wrote a book too. Yeah, well, tell your dad to write a book. I was like, dad, you need to write this down because I need to be on Audible. What is it when it's nepotism, but you still beat your brother who is an actor for the role of your dad's audiobook? now

Starting point is 00:06:49 Dang dang winning Eldest son eldest son privilege wait Freddy. I have to know did you do it like a little crazy I forget where it is there's one sentence that I read like a Psychopath like in the middle of the book. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait.

Starting point is 00:07:08 I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait.

Starting point is 00:07:16 I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait.

Starting point is 00:07:24 I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can say for most. This swim sure is hard, my dad said. Yes, we're swimming to freedom. Available on Audible. I play Blake Lively, the handyman. Not in your dad's book. Not in the dad's book, in this podcast. Is that your dad's beef with Justin Bell donning? This week's Blake fact, speaking of shots, doesn't like getting shots. He had to get them, obviously, as a round of shots when he joined the US military

Starting point is 00:07:47 And ironically survived all of World War two without getting shot. That's how much Shots good no because he doesn't like shots. Yes, so we got what he wanted. That's not ironic, but what if they are you deep thinking? Just saying well, okay, mr. English teacher over here. Excuse me, Mr. Strunk and White. Can you tell me if this is a commonplace? I know, Atlantis. Why don't you tell everybody we're fucking ironic music again? Good to know that we got the same energy coming in in the new year. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold and I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school mom. And you know what she always says? A headache is just your head aching for some new knowledge

Starting point is 00:08:29 Go read a book library is nature's aspirin, you know No migraines in any libraries ever little peachy feck little Lord drop for Kelsey is I thought about time. I don't want any groans that we talk about sense and Kelsey's favorite sense is 19 cents because that's how much a cheeseburger costs at McDonald's Once she gets the 19 in her hands Roll up with two dives be like give me a penny back Dime that nickel and four betties. It's time to go to McKinney's. What is that, 19th? Did you ever roll up with two dives

Starting point is 00:09:08 and be like, give me a penny back? Oh. Keep the change. I actually know. Keep the change, mister. I did way too much research on sales tax in the 1950s to figure out if it would be exactly $0.19. I still don't exactly know, because it's only 3% tax

Starting point is 00:09:19 back then. But I don't know if it applied to food. And 3% tax on $0.19 is like $0.19.54, which I don't know if they round up So I'm sticking with my fact if there's any historians out there saying that would be 20 cents. That's fine What the fuck are you doing? Hi, I'm Anthony Bertrand play Francis Barnes worth a kid with a gun forget my friends fact I also have a thing to plug if you listen to our patreon you may have listened to us do a special called your new

Starting point is 00:09:41 Best friends about a drum bunch of drunk girls at a bar The guy came up with a system Z for gun Vergun, has a podcast that's either out or coming out or something. It's called The Malachite Wastes, M-A-L-A-C-H-I-T-E. And it's like a cozy D&D thing about like a fantasy city. But just like my episode is about like an otter that runs a bakery. Like it's just cute stuff. Oh, I love that. It's just a quaint, cute little deity podcast. Yeah, it's just a little cozy.

Starting point is 00:10:03 Are there episodes without you? Every other episode is without me Okay, thankfully. Yes, they're more listenable. Francis's fact is that he is the first person ever to be diagnosed autistic The day that he got diagnosed was the happiest day of Shane Silva's life all the autism slur tech that we hear today That came from Shane he came up with every slur, every like the hand movements, the noises, every joke. That's all Shane. Hear that clicky clacky? That's us.

Starting point is 00:10:30 That's all of us researching. Yeah, I'm going to do some research. He will. It's the three sets of three sets of three pounds. Three pounds. An independent panel of fact checkers. An entire team of fact checkers at the ready here! That's all we heard was no way you wanted to touch that word in a riff and all of us quickly researching it. That's responsible podcasting, ladies and gentlemen. I wrote out my whole fact because I don't want to... yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:00 If you write what you're gonna say in your podcast, are you essentially just doing an audiobook though? You're essentially just giving a good I'm essentially just doing a quirky audiobook for part of this You think our glass is just like hey guys. I'm just gonna go off the top Real quick Just gonna freestyle real quick. Okay, I play Trudy Trout. I grew up gay, sorry. My name is Ira and I'm here to say my relationship with my dog is weird in a major way. So my name is Beth May and I play Trudy Trout who's a robot and a mother of one beautiful child, doting wife, homemaker. Now that Trudy's single, she's been thinking about creating

Starting point is 00:11:46 the first dating application for high-speed communication and real-time data transfer. She's calling it a firewire. Terrible. Oh, yeah. Speaking of hot things, our city is on fire, and we're going to include a link to the LAFD Wildfire Emergency Fund in our show notes.

Starting point is 00:12:07 I'm Will Campos. I am your Daddy-O master. Hey, Daddy-O. I don't like how far away you are from me now. We're in our new room. We're all spread out. Our city's on fire, but we're here to record a spooky podcast.

Starting point is 00:12:18 And I have a spooky fact for you today. Oh, no. Everyone knows that the brain, the head, can survive a couple of seconds after it gets cut off with the body Wait, depending on your definition of survive, but go ahead. Yeah, so everybody knows that everybody knows It's commonly known by everyone who got told this morbid fact in second grade that when you get your head cut off You're still conscious for like you see your head roll around All those French aristocrats. Yeah, they could still try to move their mouths and shit

Starting point is 00:12:42 Did you know how long the body can survive without a head? Whoa, what a twist zero in the French Revolution It was observed that people who had been beheaded their hearts would continue to beat for almost an hour past the beheading What that makes sense? Yeah, that's creepy. That's your file So just pumping blood out while you think about those That's your fact today. So just pumping blood out of that copy. While you think about those severed heads of those French aristocrats and their hearts pumping

Starting point is 00:13:07 and thumping, get ready for a pulse-bounding dive into the macabre world of Peachyville as we begin our new episode. ["SWAMP THING"] Where we last left off, you guys escaped Bigfoot land, and you emerged onto the streets and bid farewell to Two spooky Bigfoots at a swamp thing. They just ran off, huh? They just kind of ran off under the subway Is that how the legend of Bigfoot started? Why Matthew? Did we start Bigfoot?

Starting point is 00:13:36 Perhaps that's just the way That's a real Doctor Who type shit. Yeah right there like we do an episode in Bigfoot land And then they're like whoa and that's here that that was my plan all love it love it as you were stealing Marbles the cat from his owner marbles the eight-year-old boy you heard a gunshot and a scream and looked up at the Second story window of Trudy's house and saw poor Timmy pounding on the glass Screaming for help and he saw Tucker emerge behind him and plunge a syringe into his neck Oh, I don't like that and then I think Trudy said something about wanting to go check that out and they saw Tucker emerge behind him and plunge a syringe into his neck. Oh, I don't like that.

Starting point is 00:14:06 And then I think Trudy said something about wanting to go check that out, but you guys do whatever you want. Open world. Open world? Open world. Do whatever you want. I mean, it feels like that's the thing to do. Maybe we should run around outside in the street and get some random encounters. No, I... No, no. We're going into my house. Yeah, I'm running with Trudy.

Starting point is 00:14:22 Into the house. Door swings open, then you see Grizzly seen in front of you. Not of Grizzly, but you see Doodles, the family Cocker Spaniel, I believe is what we just had in Doodles was. Doodles, the family Cocker Spaniel, is barking his poor little head off at the body of new Trudy, which lies slumped on the ground, a huge hole blown into it.

Starting point is 00:14:41 It's a mesh of wires and brains and blood and circuitry sparking, the body's still twitching a little bit on the ground. And that is all you see. There seems to have been some sort of struggle down here. You see a shell casing on the ground by her head and you can hear footsteps. Is the hole in her head? The hole is in her head, yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:58 Okay. Is most of her head. Oh, Trudy, do you want me to fix your robot? What? Well, you're a robot. You can fix this? I'm a handyman. I have a, let's see here.

Starting point is 00:15:06 Well, I mean, I don't want, I mean. Tucker's upstairs. Yes, yes, we need to get upstairs. Okay, so you hear footsteps. As you look up the stairs, you see Tucker around the stairs and come down and he stops kind of surprised to see you all. He's like, oh, hello.

Starting point is 00:15:24 Where's Timmy? Thank you, Beth. He's holding Timmy. He has Timmy, hello? I, um... Where's Timmy? Thank you, Beth. He's holding Timmy. He has Timmy, fireman carried, like he's got his arms draped around his shoulders and he's carrying him behind him. Like a cardigan sweater. Draped behind him like a cardigan sweater, yes.

Starting point is 00:15:34 And Timmy seems to be slumped over, unconscious. Stop wearing that kid like a scarf. Wow, I really didn't think I would see you again. What did you do to him? He's going to be fine. He's going to be okay. I don't believe that for one second. Trudy, why are you here? Did you forget your purse or something? Who do you do to him? He's going to be fine. He's going to be okay. I don't believe that for one second! Trudy, why are you here? Did you forget your purse or something?

Starting point is 00:15:48 Who do you think I am? Do you think I'm like that robot right there? I think you're like my wife who ran off and abandoned her family and abandoned her son, so I don't understand why you're here. And he presses a button on his watch and he says, Look, I've just tripped. The silent alarm, the Bisons, I mean, Project Heartland knows I'm in distress, they're gonna be on their way. Normally, I would try to stop you guys and kill you- You in distress? You've never been in distress in your entire life!

Starting point is 00:16:12 You've always been look after and catered to, and there was always somebody willing to rub your feet at night, and give you lunch, and heat it up, and everything. I don't think you would last one day without one of these robot... You've made slaves. You've made people that you control. You made... You wouldn't last a day without them. Are you done?

Starting point is 00:16:32 Tucker's above us on the stairs, right? Yes. While he's talking and both hands are held around Timmy, Kelsey is going to sprint up the stairs. Okay, you're just gonna go straight for him? Yeah. As you sprint up the stairs, you hear the stretching of skin and the snapping of flesh and the grinding expansion

Starting point is 00:16:49 of robotic metal joints behind you. And the rest of you see Doodles, the family Cocker Spaniel, twist and contort as a metal skeleton seems to extend its frame and stretch and rip its skin as it turns into a sort of hideous mutant robot dog. And it growls and bears sparking electric fangs and its eyes roll back in its head and glow red. And we'll start combat! Do I get the first move in the combat since he was talking and I sprint up the stairs?

Starting point is 00:17:15 You know what? Yes, we'll say that. The dog will go second and then we will do our combat order. Can you guys read off your deck scores for me? 60. 25. 60. 75. Oh wow, Blake's a speedy boy. Yes, I've optimized him.

Starting point is 00:17:27 Slow talking, but fast moving. Because my prior character was weak and easily killable. But we're starting with Kelsey. A staircase, even horizontally, is less than 10 yards. And it looks like movement for one turn is 10 to 20 yards in Call of Cthulhu, depending on terrains. I feel like on the low end, 10 yards.

Starting point is 00:17:44 Point being is like, I feel like I get to the top of the staircase in my turn. Okay, yeah. I'm assuming he has a gun. I want to get him down before he can pull a gun on us or whatever. Then I say, you will speak to Trudy with respect. I am essentially going to run and grab him by the waist

Starting point is 00:17:57 and then just pull backwards and just. You're gonna suplex him down the stairs? I'm just gonna send all three of us down the stairs. That rules. So you're all gonna go down the stairs in a heap. Kelsey will be on the bottom, kind of sliding down, like a toboggan is the goal. Oh, like in Home Alone? Like she's the toboggan? That'll be a fighting maneuver.

Starting point is 00:18:15 He's gonna try to dodge by scooting back up the stairs. And we'll say he does that with a penalty dice as well, because he's got Timmy on his back. I got a 48. You got a 48? What's your skill? 60. So you passed. He failed his dodge. Okay got 48. You got a 48. What's your skill 60? So you passed? Okay? He failed his dodge. Okay, great describe to me what you do I essentially head to his waist I grab him like a big old belt I just pull back and just like gravity do the rest will say since Timmy's on his back Timmy won't take damage from this

Starting point is 00:18:37 I saw the whole Timmy would take damage. Well, I guess kiss It's are you gonna tumble down the stairs is that the idea? I don't know how is it. What does gravity do? Defying gravity. This is enough going on that you're gonna topple down the stairs and roll comically to the bottom of the stairs. It's like, does he like let go of Timmy? No, he's not letting go of Timmy.

Starting point is 00:18:56 Oh no. So all three of you, we will say, are gonna take. Can I take the most damage, because I'm on the bottom? You're breaking their fall. I'm trying to think of how much this would hurt. It would hurt a lot. It's a lot. All right, here's what I did.

Starting point is 00:19:07 Yeah, you just don't want to. All right, this is a genius move for, by the way, other keepers who are trying to decide how much damage something might be in a sort of chaotic situation like this. I rolled a D10 to determine the number of the dice I'm gonna roll to do your damage. And I got a six, so we're gonna roll a D6 for your damage.

Starting point is 00:19:22 Why don't you roll it? Oh, okay, I like that. I got a one! You got a one! Nice.6 for your damage. Why don't you roll it? Oh, okay. I like that. I got... a one! You got a one! Nice! Yes! Okay, you know what? Since you guys are bouncing around, we'll have everyone do that. Tucker rolled a d2.

Starting point is 00:19:31 Okay. And, uh, Timmy rolled a d2, so... Nice. Nice. Tucker takes one damage, and Timmy takes two damage. Okay. So then, yeah, you slam to the bottom of the stairs. Well done.

Starting point is 00:19:41 I'm still holding on to his waist. So you're trying to grapple him. Now you can talk to your wife! Or not wife, I'm sorry Judy. Oh you know here's the other thing we'll do, we'll give Tucker a luck roll to see if his grip on Timmy breaks. It does. So yes actually as he slams on the ground Timmy's arms kind of spring free, but he's still basically unconscious lying on top of his dad. Love it. Our surprise round is going to be you and then Doodles. Okay. Who is going to attack you. Okay.

Starting point is 00:20:06 Doodles is going to lunge at you and bite. Doodles, leave it. Leave it. Yeah, wait, wait, yeah. You can do that on your turn, but he's gonna go sicko mode right now. Doodles is just lunging at you. What do you wanna do?

Starting point is 00:20:18 Do you wanna dodge? You wanna fight back? What are you trying to do? So I'm holding onto him. We both fell down. I don't know exactly how he landed. I'm trying to hide behind Tucker, like underneath Tucker. I see. We'll call that a dodge. We'll call how he landed. I'm trying to hide behind Tucker, underneath Tucker. I see.

Starting point is 00:20:25 We'll call that a dodge. We'll call that a dodge. So give me a dodge roll. So my dodge is a 32. I failed. Doodles' teeth sink into your shoulder, let's say. He normally never does this. I swear.

Starting point is 00:20:36 Why isn't he on a leash? So doodles' teeth sink into your shoulder. And it's kind of like how dogs, their jaws can kind of hinge on something and just not let go. He's in there and so it's gonna be a straight in here It's gonna be a strength Guys, you know how dogs jaws hinge on things. That's what's happening here. Oh, no, we're gonna roll 1d8 for your damage Oh, man. Oh, man, I think the stair fall didn't hurt too bad. I have 11 HP for so you have 7 HP now And then you hear some sort of like electric engine

Starting point is 00:21:07 building up inside of him, and you get the impression. He's got chainsaw teeth. He's preparing to administer a zap of electricity to you on his next turn. As you're doing that, you guys really just charged in here. Give everybody, give me a spot hidden roll. You walked into the wrong room. Matt, do yours with a penalty, because you

Starting point is 00:21:24 got a dog in your face. Oh, wow. What was the penalty? You reroll the 10? I got a seven. You got a seven? I got a 19, so I pass. Good.

Starting point is 00:21:32 Eight. I also pass. Hella good. Wait, I failed. Bad spot in. I'm distracted. The only thing I spot is a dog biting me. OK, so in that case, the rest of you see quite easily,

Starting point is 00:21:43 Lil Tuck, who was hanging from the ceiling fan, dropped down in an attempt to be stealthy, but you all managed to catch him, because he's just a little kid. And he sort of does a little blade pose as he slams onto the ground behind all of you. Do you think he invented the blade pose in the 1950s? I think Blade invented the blade pose, Freddy.

Starting point is 00:22:00 No, no, no, no, no. But I'm saying this child might be the first one to do it. So Lil Tuck's the other robot kid, the other one turning into a spider. Tiffany is his sister who turned into a spider. Lil Tuck is the third of her 2.5 beautiful children who lands behind you and looks straight at you, Trudy, and says, mommy's been very bad.

Starting point is 00:22:18 Mommy's been very bad. And as he says that, his head starts to spin around, and then it pops off of his body. That's just like wicked when the goat says bad. Yeah like something tells me someone's daughter has been watching wicked a lot with her father over the Christmas break and someone's been seeing wicked maybe a few times. Real wicky wicks. So you see basically his head pops off like a champagne cork revealing like a metallic

Starting point is 00:22:44 snake body. like a tin man The human head of a six-year-old boy on a robot snake body pop out of his torso and lunge straight at let's say Francis because Francis is the only one holding a gun make sense threat assessment And he's also gonna try to take a big chomp out of you with what is with the biting? Yeah with the binding he's a biter. You know some kids. It's a hard habit to break. It's a behavioral thing Francis What are you gonna try to do you're gonna try to fight back? You're gonna try to dodge What do you want to do? I think I'm gonna dodge because in these close quarters I don't know if I trust my ability to use a long-range weapon like a rifle interesting okay excellent tactical awareness

Starting point is 00:23:21 I got a four All right, he definitely does not beat that. So he goes sailing right past you and slams into the wall. But you see him already rearing up to slither back into combat on his next turn. Stop slithering, ew. Blake, it's your turn. Kelsey, hold Tucker so I can curb stomp him.

Starting point is 00:23:39 I want to Tucker get rid of the dog. Curb stomp me. I want to curb stomp Tucker. His head. I'm going to kick his head. My foot I want curb stop Tucker his head Kick his head my foot his head down into the stand Okay, I want his head the edge of a stair my foot applied force as strong as possible Basic physics okay, so his head is currently on top of Kelsey's head Use it boxing dodge

Starting point is 00:24:08 top of Kelsey's head. Kelsey, use a boxing dodge. Kelsey, you boxing your boxer. I'm like moving my head like that. Perfect! She has now exhibited head movement. Now Tucker's head is ready to be crunched under my steel toed boots. Okay, you want to kick him in the head. With a steel toed workman's boots. Good addition of those boots. It's gonna hurt, Will. I know you're trying to weasel your way out of it. I'm not trying to weasel my way out of anything. It's gonna hurt. Here's what we'll say. It's a regular attack. If you fail, you are going to kick Kelsey.

Starting point is 00:24:31 Or the dog. Dog's head's right there too, right? How's this, how's this, how's this? If I fail, 80% chance of hitting Kelsey. 20% chance of kicking the dog. I'll allow that, that's fine. We'll do that. All right, all right, all right, all right.

Starting point is 00:24:42 I like to stack my parlay's baby It's like that scene in uncut gems when he's like He's gonna try to bite my toes nice try idiot. He's gonna try to dodge as well He's gonna try to do a dodge We'll give him a penalty because he's all tied up but basically he's gonna try to roll to the side so that she takes The hit instead of him and 10% chance that they are heads clock. No 68 out of 60 on the brawl. Should I spend eight luck guys? Yeah, you should Okay, yeah, do it. I burned some luck to get a 60. All right, so you clock him straight in the head Can you just sorry? Can you tell me quick?

Starting point is 00:25:18 Ain't that a kick in the head? Roll your damage 1d3 plus 1d4 is 5 total damage. 5 total damage. OK, so with that, he has now taken 6 damage. As you kick him in the head, you feel a shimmering force field kind of explode. What the fuck? You kind of explode. And you realize there's a chain on his neck,

Starting point is 00:25:40 and he's been wearing this amulet of protection, and it's now taken its full barrier damage. His J.O. Crystal got over her shoulder baby. His J.O. Crystal bursts and starts to smoke on his chest. Taking one, not too many. No, I wish I hadn't seen that picture of Bette Davis.

Starting point is 00:25:55 Bette Davis, alright, fair enough. Oh Blake goes, a J.O. Crystal, I remember seeing this on the battlefield. That's unfortunate. Wow. It was a powerful Nazi artifact. Hitler was working on all manner of the occult. And I know that the Wehrmacht had J.O. crystals and it allowed them to absorb battle damage. You see, we've perfected a new technique known as nine fap November

Starting point is 00:26:30 Shit that's good. Who doodles has a choice to make. Does doodles shock Kelsey or go for this new guy? Go for the new guy. Sounds like the computational algorithm needs to roll a dice. Sounds like. Is doodles protective of his master or petty? Matt makes a good point.

Starting point is 00:26:43 Seeing his master imperiled, Doodles is going to switch to a new target. Matt's sitting here being like, hey, hey, hey, manipulation. I'm getting hurt. I don't want you to get hurt, but I'm getting hurt, all right? I'm pretty hurt. I'm pretty hurt. Doodles is going to take a bite at your leg, Freddy.

Starting point is 00:26:55 I'd like to see this little Matt try. I'm going to counter attack. I'm going to kick in the direction of this lunging ball-shaped object. OK, so you're going to fight back. So give me a melee combat roll. 27, a super success. You got a super success, okay.

Starting point is 00:27:09 Doodles also got a super success. In the case of a draw, the initiator of the attack wins. So Doodles is going to chomp into your teeth once again. Into my teeth? Into your teeth? What the fuck, dude? That's gross! That's pretty gnarly. That's insane, dude!

Starting point is 00:27:23 What kind of sick and twisted DM are you? You know, I like that. Doodles fucking goes and straight bites into your jaw. Oh man. And is hanging from your jaw now as it's once again sunk its teeth in. Do I have something in my face? What side? Left side?

Starting point is 00:27:37 Oh my god! Somehow that only does one damage to you though, because you've got a strong Scandinavian jawline. Because I have a strong power- okay, listen up. Hey, everyone, everyone doing fan art, listen up real close. My strong, powerful, male jawline has

Starting point is 00:27:52 repelling properties, not to the opposite sex, but to dogs. So yes, you have a dog hanging from your face, and you now, like Kelsey, hear the telltale sign of an electric weapon charging up. That'll bring us to Kelsey, who's once again your turn. Kelsey and the dog got a surprise round. Okay, okay, okay.

Starting point is 00:28:07 So now we're doing a regular full round. Kelsey, seeing that Trudy feels like she hasn't had a turn yet wants to hold her turn. Until Trudy does something. Francis, it's your turn. Okay, is Tucker close to me? I feel like he is because he got thrown down the stairs and I'm at the bottom of the stairs, right?

Starting point is 00:28:23 Tucker is currently still on top of Kelsey at the bottom of the thrown down the stairs I'm at the bottom of the stairs Is turnly still on top of Kelsey at the bottom of the stairs and I am also at the bottom of the stairs You are wherever you want to be baby. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the stairs Not the first time a student's dad has been on top of Kelsey at the bottom of stairs. You know what I mean? so first of all with him Yeah. What did I use to promise you? History of violence. No, no, history of violence.

Starting point is 00:28:46 Thomas Crown Affair. Thomas Crown Affair. Thomas Crown Affair, they fuck on the staircase. They also do that in the history of violence. History of violence, yeah. Oh yeah, that's right. They're not a good place to fuck. Depends on the pitch of the stairs.

Starting point is 00:28:59 Francis, what do you want to do? I would like to drop to one knee and because Tucker's on the ground I assume it works like D&D where it's like oh, he's prone or whatever So I have some sort of advantage against shooting him because he's down I'm going to kneel put my rifle up against his head Cock it up a little bit so that the bullet doesn't go directly into Kelsey said and pull the trigger Okay, oh my god. Timmy is still on top of Tucker just so you know That's fine. A Kar98 bullet is going to pass through him and hit Timmy. No, I'm shooting horizontal

Starting point is 00:29:30 I'm like, okay, so you're trying to you're trying to it's only an angle. Yeah, I'm doing it I'm doing like this. Here's the thing you saw the JFK analysis things and they had like the lines and Yeah, pruder film and then he's trying to make that line go away from the other heads if that makes sense I see cuz he's like in a little sandwich. Yeah The first time Kelsey's been in a sandwich at the bottom of staircase, you know what I mean? The only thing I can imagine worse than staircase access three-way staircase Complicated by hand holds I got 15 which is a super success Tucker is gonna try to dodge Here's what with normal you cannot dodge a bullet

Starting point is 00:30:02 But because you're at point plank range for our purposes you're gonna treat a dodge is like a melee It's gonna jump leave duck his head out of the way diving for cover type maneuver So he's gonna try to roll off of Kelsey and get out of the way of this bullet Okay, he got a good success. So just go ahead and roll your damage. I guess all right and this character We just need his key right yeah, we can find oh even better than I was gonna let Judy talk. Seems like that would have, yeah, you know, Trudy gets a little, seems like he'd be autistically better if, you know, Trudy had to kill him. I don't even want to talk to Chugger, I want to talk to Timmy. Oh, okay. Sorry, I gotta see how much,

Starting point is 00:30:32 did we agree that it was like a rifle? How about we try to find evidence that somebody has survived a bullet to the head from that guy? Instead of trying to figure out how much damage this does, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it was like a rifle? How about we try to find evidence that somebody has survived a bullet to the head from that guy? Instead of trying to figure out how much damage this does, how many dice it rolls, how about we just do a quick little Google search for how many people survived?

Starting point is 00:30:55 I bet more than you'd think. Yeah, but probably a lot less overall percentage-wise. Yeah. Has anyone ever survived a point-blank rifle shot to the side of the head? 2D6 plus 4. 2D6 plus 4 2d6 plus 4 Let me see what Chad GBC has to say as well. It doesn't have a single example. Just says yeah probably Fucking thank you And just so we're all on the same page nothing up my sleeve Tucker at present has

Starting point is 00:31:23 Just so we're all on the same page, nothing up my sleeve, Tucker at present has 14 HP. Oh, you could end him right now, baby. Give me them box cars, dog. We got a splatter effect. No, I got an 11. Ooh. So he's got three of the health left. That's like another kick in the face.

Starting point is 00:31:37 That's just one normal kick from my boots. When you raise your gun and level it at Tuck's head, you feel something weird. You feel a hot breath on the back of your neck. Guys, I think I just got my first erection. And you also smell a faint perfume in the air. ["The Last Supper"] looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you.

Starting point is 00:32:10 We know how life goes, new father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push, find your power. Peloton, visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. But what does happen to his head?

Starting point is 00:32:35 That's what I'm trying to- How does that work? How does this explain? That's exactly, exactly right. Like, is he drinking from a straw right now? Like, what's happening? So you're at the side of his head. Yeah, I think basically- He's not fighting, right? What I would say is that you've at the side of his head. Yeah, I think basically what I would say

Starting point is 00:32:47 is that you've blown the front of his face off. Oh my god. I took his face off. I think probably you stuck it on his head, like in his temple, and then he moved at the last second, and now you're at the bridge of his nose and into his eye. He's lost his eyes and his nose, I will say, from this shot. Yeah, well, that's a good start.

Starting point is 00:33:06 And one of his sinuses. So those, those sinus issues that have been plaguing him for years. Say goodbye. Oh, everyone give me a constitution role. Yeah, the second amendment motherfucker. Right to bear arms. That's where I'll give you the role right now. It's number two, a well regulated militia being necessary for the secure...

Starting point is 00:33:27 You know what I'm saying? That's what that Francis II's Constitutional rule right here, baby! I failed. Okay, you failed. I... Good success. Good success. I failed. You failed.

Starting point is 00:33:36 I got 70, but I got 87. Okay, yes, well... But don't get a little bit of help, I've seen things. You didn't, you got 80. So this is not our sanity role, Which we will do in our second the Constitution role is to see if any of you are fucking deafened by being point blank with a car 98 goes off inside a room fucking students yapping all day Really Kelsey yeah, the one closest to the action of the gun going off manages to plug your ears at the last second

Starting point is 00:34:02 All right, the rest of you are deafened for two rounds That's fine. And now everybody give me a sanity roll 63 passed pass pass fail fail That's fail What's like bad is there crit bad? 98 not crit bad What is a what is technically a fumble. 96 plus is a fun bowl. Oh no.

Starting point is 00:34:32 Because you fumbled your roll. And does this make sense? You're point blank range with a man who just got his face blown off. You take max sanity loss. Which we're gonna say is a 1d6 in this. So you're gonna lose 6 sanity. Which means you're also gonna be temporarily insane, Matthew. Oh no. The blood rage! So you're gonna lose six sanity which means you are also gonna be temporarily insane Matthew 38 sanity because you lose that sanity right no no so here we've been doing this wrong. Oh what what there's temporary insanity loss Oh and permanent so you lose six, but you do not lose six max sanity. This is

Starting point is 00:35:02 Okay, hey, what else are we getting wrong? Don't answer that you're listening don't just shut the fuck Reach out. No, I want to know I want to get a fucking running circles around me. I need a fucking advantage I go fuck yourself at daddy's.com All right, not to be fair if you emailed go fuck yourself at daddy's Actually, no, to be fair, if you emailed gofuckyourselfatdaddies.com, you're probably gonna get a response. You might get something back! You better be careful with that one. Okay, Trudy, give me a 1D6 roll. This does make sense, since you were the closest and this guy was your husband. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:34 Notice how Will's already speaking about him in the past tense. Pfft. Pfft. Two. I don't even care. Wow, dang. Ice cold. Alright, so two sanity loss for you., Matt Let's go ahead and see what happens to Matthew. Oh wait in this system because the 1920s Okay, oh give me an intelligence role 37 so you succeeded. Yes, so that's bad. Yeah, you want to fail you want to not understand what just happened So you do understand what just happened? Can I roll again?

Starting point is 00:36:16 Because Matt didn't understand what just happened But Kelsey unfortunately smart roll a d10 now Three that means you are gonna have a bout of madness for the next three rounds But Kelsey unfortunately passed. Roll a D10 now. Three. That means you are gonna have a bout of madness for the next three rounds. So what do you feel like? What crazy Kelsey like? So yes, you've just seen the most shocking,

Starting point is 00:36:35 gruesome thing you've ever seen straight in your face. Tucker is screeching like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, You can hear like blood choking on him like there's aigu mixed with snot mixed with blood smeared all over your face For the next three rounds. What is the one thing Kelsey can think of that she wants to go do? Do this so I think you can just be to run away Matt was that you getting into character? I think what's happened is... Chewing things, eh? This is a wrench I didn't see thrown into my works.

Starting point is 00:37:11 When they got the uniform from her brother from the war, it was fucked up all over the collar and stuff. They never said exactly what happened to him. She doesn't do something to him. I think she's always kind of kept that down. She knew her brother died in the war, but seeing this for the first time, I think all she can imagine is, this is what happened to her brother's face. I think she sees her brother died in the war, but seeing this for the first time, I think all she can imagine is this is what happened

Starting point is 00:37:25 to her brother's face. I think she sees her brother's head exploding. So in terms of what she wants to do. She wants to... Wait, what? What? What, Beth? So she wants to do her brother?

Starting point is 00:37:35 No! Get him, Beth. I think all she wants to do is cry and think about her brother. And just to be clear, the US military, someone was just packing up this casket be like yo this fucked up Hey, you think is be cool to send to his sister His belongings yeah, there's like a bunch of blood on it. It's just like it's been in war clearly yeah

Starting point is 00:37:57 I love that so you basically are gonna go catatonic and just break down on this spot What she wants to do she wants to talk to her brother which is impossible Mumbling she's just like mumbling his name or something. What is his name? John John John, so she's Done and she's crying Kelsey's gone into shock on the ground. It's now Tucker's turn. Oh, hey Francis Good shot. Thank you Tucker is going to get up and stumble around for a second as he's clutching at his face Tucker's also gonna have to make a sanity roll Dude, this is the worst possible sanity roll because as a child right you're tormented with the possibility that someone else could come and take Your nose right and now

Starting point is 00:38:36 Now his hand going up to where his face is all of a sudden the worst nightmare Since you were an infant have come true. What kind of bonus dice might that be? Yeah, I mean this is basically an extreme sanity roll to keep your wits about you after you've gotten your face blown off She fails he's feeling in his face for a second. He screams in pain and he's writhing around He doesn't know what's going on He just starts going berserk and he's going to grab the 357 Magnum Which he had tucked in his back pocket and he's just gonna start firing blindly In a panic around him. That makes sense. Everybody give me a luck roll. Is his hands all slippery because it's bloody though

Starting point is 00:39:12 It's not gonna be a good shot, but I want to know if he's aiming at any one of you. Luckily He's not aiming at me. Okay. My luck is 79. I rolled a 44. Okay, you passed. Trudy failed. Yepy failed was a fumble again Fails a fail unless it's a fumble so is my feels just as bad as best fail This is about big the number is it's just a fail If you had fumbled he would have shot you without having to do any other rolling. Definitely he's aiming at you when he fires the gun. Beth failed too! Huh? You did 95?

Starting point is 00:39:52 You liner? It's just a fail! It's just a fail! They're all the same! It's just a fail. I play by the rules. Super success, super success, super disperse success, fumble and fail. Beth got the same, we both failed.

Starting point is 00:40:00 And then he'd flip a coin to see where the gun's going. I think you're right. I think you're right. Super success and super disperse success, fumble and fail. We have Beth got the same, we both failed. And he just flipped a coin to see where the gun's going. I think you're succumbing to some black and white thinking. All right, Beth, call it, high or low? Low. Oh, he's shot Kelsey.

Starting point is 00:40:17 Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. And now she's hearing more gunfire. So yes, his gun goes off. All right, we're gonna give him just a straight attack roll. And then if he hits you, he hits you. He got an 82.

Starting point is 00:40:30 That's a bad. That's bad. Yay. A bullet whizzes right past your ear and sticks into the ground next to you. But not that close. You're even more convinced that you're holding the mangled body of your brother at Guadalcanal

Starting point is 00:40:41 where he was killed. Dang, Pacific. He died on the best map of Pfft in 1942 Hahahaha Hahahaha Hahahaha Yeah, he died when somebody put a bunch of Prox 70 mines under a jeep and launched it across the island

Starting point is 00:40:56 Just the fucking best map in a video game, dude Hahahaha It must suck if your grandma died in literally the Pfft best map of best map of a video game. We were talking about that the other day, how crazy it is to be like, I'm sitting here playing Hellenit.

Starting point is 00:41:11 What's your favorite Normandy level? No, that's crazy, that's crazy, right? I know. That's crazy because the idea that like the amphibious assault of Normandy was like a horrific day for so many people, but for us, I'm so psyched when that map comes up in the World War II game. I'm like, yeah, dude! The Vadech and Norman, that's gonna be sick!

Starting point is 00:41:28 Could you imagine talking- You know you're dodging bullets, baby. Could you imagine talking to a World War II vet and being like, that place where you saw guys blown apart the worst day of your life is the best day of my gaming session. And it's not even worth bringing Proxmines in that level. It's not even worth it, dude.

Starting point is 00:41:40 I'm gonna go prone in the shallows and snipe a German head. And it's like, was this what it was like? Why didn't you just go prone and snipe Germans, grandpa? All right. I'm sorry. Trudy, it is your turn. Yay. Okay, so Trudy looks at the unconscious Timmy and the faceless Tucker and the absolutely

Starting point is 00:42:00 out of it Kelsey. And she realizes it's all a little bit above her pay grade. So, she pulls out the spell book that she has. Oh, I think Kelsey has it, but we'll say you're holding it for Kelsey. I thought I had it because it was in my thing. One free spell. But you have a... Never mind, I pull out my deck of cards.

Starting point is 00:42:18 The deck of cards, yeah. And I draw one. Okay, so give me a sanity roll. Okay. Truly, we're kind of winning the fight. We shot the main bad guy. Well, I just didn't know what to do. Also as far as you're concerned She's just pulling a card out. That's true. Trudy now is not the time for a Yeah, I got a I got a 14 you got a 14

Starting point is 00:42:40 Okay, great So you pass you're able to withstand the evil auras of this thing as you draw a card out of it. So remind everybody this was the deck that Moth Jesus gave her that was written by a madman centuries ago that has 666 strange cards with eerie omens on them. It's a thick deck. It's a thick deck, dude. Ah, but very thin cards. Extreme wafer thin cards. How freaky. The tasteful thinness of it. It's basically like a tarot deck. It's like you draw a card and there's a prophecy of the future being relayed to you and the meaning of these cards.

Starting point is 00:43:10 So what you see in the card, Trudy, is a beautiful young woman looking in a mirror, brushing her hair. In the reflection of the mirror, not her reflection but behind her, there's the rotting skeleton of another young woman and it's kind of like a grizzly memento mori kind of thing. And the card says death in the mirror. Okay. I'm looking at the mirror.

Starting point is 00:43:32 Um. Give me a spot hidden roll. And we'll say with advantage because of the card. Thanks for the advantage. Yeah, okay, okay, I got a 14 again. Okay, so in the hallway mirror, you catch in your eye a Figure rising behind you it is your figure but with an exploded head

Starting point is 00:43:52 Reaching out to wrap its hands around your throat and what you realize is that the robotic body of new truity has risen from the Grave it is coming to grab you. That's too bad So normally that would be an ambush, but because you drew the deck, we'll say the deck was your action, but you can use a move action or you can do whatever to get out of its way or whatever you want to do now. I'm gonna try to scurry around her, so like dodge her. I want to pull out one of her wires

Starting point is 00:44:16 and dip it in Tucker's blood and cause a short circuit and also electrocute Tucker. That's gonna be a multi-move. Yeah. Why don't we say you can get behind her now, and then we can take it from there to figure it out. Give me a stealth role to sneak behind her without her hearing you. She can't see you right now,

Starting point is 00:44:34 because her head's been blown up, but she has her other senses. Oh, fuck, all right, I fail. In that case, as you are trying to creep around behind her, you see her sort of exploded head and her body, you sort of twist and lock back on you. It's now her turn, so she is going to lunge at you. She's gonna try to grab you and pin you against the wall.

Starting point is 00:44:53 Do you wanna dodge? Do you wanna fight back? I'm gonna fight back. Okay, great. Is her head like near me? Yeah, she's coming straight at you, and yeah, it's like her head is split open and kind of hanging on your side.

Starting point is 00:45:01 Oh, I thought her head was removed from her. No, no, no, no, no, no, it's like it's just blown up, but still attached to her body. I'm just gonna try to disconnect her head from her body. You're just gonna try to wrench it off? Yeah. Okay, great. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:12 We'll do a fighting brawl and then a strength roll to see if you can pull the head off. 80. I'm gonna push my roll. Ooh, I like that. Push the roll. 89. Okay, she also failed her attack.

Starting point is 00:45:23 So she basically is able to grab you and clutch you, but she isn't able to hold onto you. Meanwhile, you go for her head, but as you wrap your fingers around her neck, she's sparking like crazy and her head is scalding hot from all of these sort of electric circuit fire going on in there. So you're gonna burn your hands when you do that.

Starting point is 00:45:41 I should have brought my oven mitts. We'll call it a 1D4 damage. Two. Great, oh, and then as you are doing that, you feel a psychic presence emanating from beneath you, deep down in like the area of the basement. It's a familiar feeling. You realize it's the brain of the original Trudy,

Starting point is 00:46:00 trapped in that jar down there, who you remember psychically linked with you. And she sounds far away, like she's trying to make a connection to you. She's trying to tell you something, but you can only hear one part of what she's saying as this wave of anxiety because she knows that Timmy's in trouble up there. She's hearing gunshots and screaming and she's feeling out for you. She's reaching out to you and you hear her say, call her, call her color.

Starting point is 00:46:23 Got to add some color. Add some color, add some color, call her, who knows what she's saying. Back to the top of the turn order, it's Little Tuck. Little Tuck is going to lunge at Francis again, having missed his quarry last time. He's gonna slither up to you and try to take a bite out of your leg, Francis. Sounds good to me.

Starting point is 00:46:39 What do you wanna do in respond? I'd like to dodge again, please. Give me a roll. 13. Yeah, you effortlessly dodges this writhing snake robot boy snaps at your feet It is now Blake's turn now. Here's the question Can I fling this dog with the hopes that it'll latch on like how tight is it locked in?

Starting point is 00:46:55 Give me a strength roll to break free of the dog 91 75 okay, so no you're not able to unless you want to burn a lot of luck You're not able to wrench free. I don't know I could push this. So no, you're not able to, unless you want to burn a lot of luck, you're not able to wrench free-view dog. I don't know if I can push this roll. Yes, you can. What are you gonna do that's more hardcore to get this thing off of there? So the first thing I do is I flex my jaw, and it doesn't work. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:14 Clearly. So then the next thing I'm gonna do is I'm gonna use my hands to remove this animal from my jaw. What a genius Fucking ape figuring out how to use his hands for the first time I have thumbs and they look they're opposite of each other wait this means I can grab things Seven oh wow Super duper success fucking I should be using my hands more often As a plumber as a plumber. How are you locksmithing? You just kick the door down

Starting point is 00:47:51 I'm just saying my first instinct was wrong. It was to flex my beautiful jaw line Yeah, that's very described to me how you rip him off of your my fingers interweave between the teeth of the dog Freddie it's just beautiful that you evolved from fast-talking jaw man Tony Collette into a finger man. Slow-moving finger man. Yes, a deep-thinking finger man. Deep-thinking finger man. Deep-fingering thinking man.

Starting point is 00:48:18 Deep-fingering thinking man. Ladies, would you either have a deep-thinking finger man or a deep-f fingering thinking man? I choose the bear. And I want to pry its jaws back like an alligator. I guess it's very difficult to do that, but not for me. Okay so yes. Yes. Hahaha. Blake Lively, no stranger to ripping a dog's jaw open, pulls this dog off of him.

Starting point is 00:48:50 I wanna throw it at Tucker. Yeah, great. You can do that, but you can't move. No, no, no. I'm throwing this electrical bomb. Okay, throw it at Tucker then. Give me a throw roll. What do you have for throw? Careful, watch out for Timmy. 20% on throw. Alright, fucking do it.

Starting point is 00:49:02 I'm gonna throw it hard though. Okay. Just to be clear great So even though failures like it's kind of a success Hey, Matt, what's the fun for? Okay, so that's okay 99 Oh Great. Okay. All right Freddie Matt higher low

Starting point is 00:49:20 Okay, all right. Oh no. Freddie, Matt, high or low? Wait, what, what, what? Matt, why me? What happened to me? High or low, high or low? High, low. Okay.

Starting point is 00:49:29 Why am I involved? I'm just sad about my brother, what's happening? What happened to me? You're the closest one to him. So I was gonna say he either fucks this up in a way that hurts him or it fucks up in a way that hurts you. And luckily I rolled a one,

Starting point is 00:49:40 so it's gonna fuck it up in a way that hurts Freddie. Oh, okay. So. Because I'm very hurt. Here's what we'll say Freddie to throw the dog You do like one of those like discus spins said you want to throw it really hard But then we throw it you spin so hard that you actually slam the dog into the newel post on the side of the fucking stairs And his jaw now slams shut again on your arm. So give me a 1d6 damage

Starting point is 00:50:03 Fucking hell five. All right, so that's five Jesus. How much health do you have left? I'm currently at 13 I'm down like eight okay damn all right It's now it's almost half my health and just a single combat damn damn damn this system really pulls no punches, huh shit So dude, it's ain't like season one and two Golly Boy boy new year new system okay doodles boy that smarts This ain't like season one and two! Golly! Boy, oh boy, new year, new system! Okay, Doodles is- Boy, that's smart!

Starting point is 00:50:29 Pfft! Doodles is gonna electrocute you now. What? Doodles is turning and he's back on your arm. You see blue sparks zip off of his body and feel the- Oh, I held my turn and I never did it, huh? Huh? Yeah, too bad. Um, me-

Starting point is 00:50:41 John, John, John! Okay, there. Um... Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Okay, there. The surge of electricity blasts through his body, through his teeth, into the flesh of your arm. We're gonna roll a 1d8.

Starting point is 00:50:54 That's a 6. What? Oh my god. I've already taken damage off of him. Yeah, but now it's just, that was on your turn. That was on your turn. It's now Drew's turn. Jesus fucking Christ!

Starting point is 00:51:03 It's not gonna take damage on your own turn, Yeah, the bad guys turn happens you still take damage What the fuck is this system? Give me a new character sheet give me a Constitution saving throw Constitution 74 all burn for luck to get to a 70 okay good otherwise you would have passed out for 1d6 rounds, okay? So that puts me down at to health you're at. Jesus. Maybe hold off on the fan art guys Maybe you don't have to worry about that. Hey, put down the prismacolors Jesus you might not by the time this is done. Good Lord We're getting really hurt after we already blew guys head off like I feel like we're having a hard time with this combat We're eating a lot. We gotta get out of here guys. Hey real quick real quick. What's your max HP? 14

Starting point is 00:51:41 Okay, so yeah, you do not fall unconscious. Hey real quick player huddle player huddle I said we just grab Timmy and get the fuck out of here What's your max HP? 14. Okay, so yeah, you do not fall unconscious. Hey, real quick, player huddle, player huddle. I said we just grab Timmy and get the fuck out of here. Yeah, Timmy doesn't sound a lot like my brother John, and that's all I'm interested in. That's fair. And player cuddle. You said player cuddle.

Starting point is 00:51:55 Player cuddle. Oh my god. If Timmy and player cuddle, Will's not invited. Oh. Freddie. So, Kelsey. Stop it. Stop tickling me, Freddie. See, now people think we're cuddling. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:06 We'll see under the mine going on. My hand's between these two pillows. As sparks shoot out of Blake's hand and he rides around but manages to hold onto consciousness, you see the lights flicker. And for a second you think it has something to do with the electricity. I'm like, that doesn't make sense. The dock's not plugged into the wall. It's a pretty high level understanding of the power grid.

Starting point is 00:52:14 Well, you guys are all very smart, so you realize that can't be it. And then you realize that you're not going to be able to do anything with the power grid. You're going to have to use the power grid. You're going to have to use the power grid. You're going to have to use the power grid. You're going to have to use the power grid. You're going to have to use the power grid.

Starting point is 00:52:22 You're going to have to use the power grid. You're going to have to use the power grid. You're going to have to use the power grid. You're going to have to use the power grid. You're going to have to use the power grid. You're going to have to use the power grid. You're going to have to use the power grid. flicker and for a second you think it has something to do with the electricity Mike that doesn't make sense the dogs not plugged into the wall it's a pretty high-level understanding of the power grid well regard you guys are all very smart so you realize that can't be it and then all of a sudden the lights explode and you see standing outside the window a sunburned man in a dark suit staring at you with watery eyes and he looks looks straight at you, Trudy, and you hear him say, wake up, little sister!

Starting point is 00:52:51 You feel it chill down your spine, and as you're grappling with this exploded version of yourself, out of the corner of your eye, you see this figure you remember from original Trudy's memories, you see the the fifth sister who you'll remember is this repressed part of your subconscious the part of you that wants to stay With Tucker that regrets running away and regrets changing your life There's the part of you that showed up and that stopped Trudy from originally being able to leave this sort of Monstrous part of her that she's got bottled up inside and she's had to suppress to escape.

Starting point is 00:53:25 You see this hideous version of yourself covered in oily makeup with a dirty cocktail dress and jagged fingernails poking out of dishwashing gloves and she locks eyes with you and she starts walking towards you as you're scuffling in this melee. The rest of you do not see this. You see Rolla Schwett, but you do not see

Starting point is 00:53:44 this other person walking towards Trudy. However, Kelsey, in that moment, you sense from Zuzel inside you pure fucking terror and seeing Relish Wedd. Just this absolute utter dread at seeing the emissary of the powers that be. Ah! Was that? That's Kelsey screaming.

Starting point is 00:54:04 No, that's a crow outside. Oh. Ha ha ha. As you see this figure, who just mysteriously emissary of the powers that be. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH Zuzel goes, ahhh! And then you feel, this is weird, you feel him grab your mind, like not your brain, but your mind. And he pulls your mind back. And all of a sudden, you find yourself getting yanked through space and time. That's mine, that's my favorite part of me, give it back. Reality stretches and warps around you in this way that's completely incomprehensible to you.

Starting point is 00:54:41 It's like you're turning at a right angle to time itself. Give me a sanity roll. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, me a sanity roll. What's the doctor thing going? What am I doing? Wait wait. Nothing happened. I failed. Okay give me a 1d6 for this. Oh 1d6 I got a 1. Okay you got one okay so you're already flipping your legs. Yeah I'm already flipping my legs. You feel yourself get pulled through space and time. And when you open your eyes, you are sitting at your kitchen table back in Florida is where you lived before you moved to Peachyville, right? Yes.

Starting point is 00:55:13 You're sitting at your kitchen table, and you hear the voice of John, your brother. And John is sitting in his brand spanking new officer's uniform, playfully teasing you at the kitchen table as he reads your favorite book, which I think was the Velveteen Rabbit we said last time. Yeah, I felt like that as a kid. Oh man, that's so sad.

Starting point is 00:55:32 And he's reading your book out loud to you, which was your memory of the thing when you said last time. That was my favorite book when I was a kid, John, okay? I'm a Christian man. I know, I know. Well, you're still a kid to me, okay? You're still my kid sister, so listen up. Let's see what kind of trouble this rabbit got into. And for a second, you're still a kid to me, okay? You're still my kid sister, so listen up.

Starting point is 00:55:45 Let's see what kind of trouble this rabbit got into. And for a second, you're not quite sure if you've just fully snapped and you're just reliving some delusional memory, but then you hear Zuzel speak to you in your mind. He says, remain calm. I've brought you back in time just for a moment to hide from the powers that be and their emissary.

Starting point is 00:56:04 You can't go, John. You can't go. What are you talking about, sis? You die. And I grab John and I just start hugging him. Like, you can't go to war. You can't go to... Well, sis, I got to.

Starting point is 00:56:12 I got drafted. That's how it works. I gotta go fight. What are you talking about? There's places we can go. You can't. Mom, dad, you can't let him go. Now, honey, I know this is painful for you.

Starting point is 00:56:22 Your mom says you can't. Oh, God, I was gonna say nobody's fucking leaving. Nobody's fucking leaving. This is... I don't think you had a gun on you. Nobody's leaving. Can you prove me then? Do a constitution roll.

Starting point is 00:56:34 Second amendment, mother... Honey, I know it's scary, but John has got to go do his patriotic duty. We're all very proud of him, okay? So yeah, sister, just don't worry. I'm gonna be fine. It's gonna be okay. The war's gonna be over before Christmas and I'll be back home giving you the business

Starting point is 00:56:47 and making fun of you and you know, you'll be giving me hell and I'll be just like it was. Don't worry about it. It's all gonna be a waste. There's so much more you can, you're not gonna be able to give anything. You're gone. Kelsey, you know your brother died on September 17th

Starting point is 00:57:01 when his platoon got slaughtered in an ambush at Edson's Ridge on Guadalcanal. Mm-hmm when general van See or be to control points on the battlefield map You're trying to give Kelsey some fun with you. No, no, no, no. I'm playing, I'm playing. John was in the middle of capping C or B. Two control points on the battlefield map. Death Count doesn't win the fucking game. It's tickets, god damn it! It's tickets! Okay, sorry, sorry. So yes, you know that on September 17th,

Starting point is 00:57:37 this platoon got slaughtered and ambushed at Edzard's Ridge on Guadalcanal when his commanding officer, General Van de Grift, ordered the 1st Marine Regiment to pursue retreating Japanese forces. You can convey all that to your brother if you want to in this moment before you go. Yeah, I try to. I say, you don't understand, I'm not crazy. This is, I'm not me.

Starting point is 00:57:53 This is me from a long time ago. I know this. You, September 17th, you were forced to attack retreating Japanese. They were already retreating. But they sent you in there anyways and you fell into an ambush. And after that, I,

Starting point is 00:58:03 Hey, hey, hey! No, I'm the one that has to go to your school and I tell all your students and and I can't and I break down In front of them and mom dad you don't understand. That's how it happens. This is not something I'm fearing This is something that happens we can stop it because I know it happens. We will leave you right there You're gonna leave him in a time conundrum dude. And there'll be a thing called Bitcoin. And you got to, you got to hold, you got to hold. People will say it's crazy, but it's going to hit a hundred thousand. It's going to hit a hundred thousand.

Starting point is 00:58:31 Diamond hands, my brother. Don't buy that pizza with it. Okay. We will come back to that on your turn, Matt. It is Francis's turn. Okay. You got a snake boy biting at your feet. Tucker is still flailing around with his 357. Trudy is being accosted by a headless version of herself.

Starting point is 00:58:47 And there's still a robot dog shocking the absolute bejesus out of Blake right now. I think I'm grabbing the kid and running. You're gonna grab Timmy? Great, give me a strength check. Three. I am hot tonight. He's rolling hot, baby!

Starting point is 00:59:03 I am hot tonight! Hey, hey, sorry, hold on, Anthony, hold on. Hello? Is this the Bellagio? Hold the tables at the craft table! I am hot too nice. He's rolling hot baby! I am hot too nice. Hold on Anthony, hold on. Hello? Is this the Bellagio? Hold the tables at the crowd table! We're coming over right now baby! You do one of those cool action roles where the firemen like scoop up the guy by rolling over him. Yes! God I've always wanted to do that! And now you've got Timmy over your shoulders. I'll say your movement is halved now. But you can go ahead and start moving towards the door.

Starting point is 00:59:25 It'll probably take you two rounds to get clear of the house. That's what I'm doing. Nice. All right, Timmy's in play. It is now Tucker's turn. We'll give him a disadvantaged listen role to see if he can hear you making a break for it with his son.

Starting point is 00:59:38 Tucker does not hear you running away with his son, so he is going to stumble towards where he thinks his son was. And he staggers over there and grabs at the floor and realizes that he's not there. And you hear him go, Teddy! Teddy! Ah! Oh God! He's just sort of flailing around, blood is spraying everywhere, as he is trying to get a sense of what happened to his son.

Starting point is 01:00:00 Where did you take him, you bitch?! It's now Trudy's turn. You hear once more the psychic presence of the original Trudy below you, and you hear her reaching out to you, and it seems like she's able to expand her voice and get a little closer to you, and you hear her repeat what she says, and she says, COLLAR BONE! COLLAR BONE! Collar bone?

Starting point is 01:00:22 Collar bone! Collar bone, what does that mean? What does that mean that mean? What um Trudy? I can't say anything You don't know I don't know you know any of this is going on Blake if I were to say collarbone to you Do you have a good understanding of where the moles are on your body? I think Freddie you mean Yes, I press the mole on my collarbone, okay You understand? Yes, I pressed the mole on my collarbone. Okay. You shit yourself.

Starting point is 01:00:46 Got him. God damn it. You feel it's like this part of you has opened up like an antenna, like a receiver, like some sort of psychic receivers opened in you and you feel this connection with original Trudy below you get much, much stronger. All of a sudden her voice is coming crystal clear

Starting point is 01:01:01 and she says, not yours, hers! Huh, okay. And you get the sense that she is pointing to the headless version of Trudy that is trying to strangle you. I take out my long manicured sharp nails and I shove them into the mole and other Trudy's collarbone. Sick.

Starting point is 01:01:19 As you do that, you feel this psychic rush as the original Trudy, her presence sort of blasts through you and flows into the broken wreck of this new version of Trudy and sort of takes control of it. And you realize that now she's established a link with this robotic husk and the original Trudy is now piloting this headless robot body. And she's gonna go next, but we'll let you do one more thing.

Starting point is 01:01:44 I will say also, Kelsey is just sort of standing catatonic in the middle of the room, her eyes are kind of glazed over. Alright, I go to Kelsey. I try to pick her up. Okay. Off the floor. Give me a strength roll. She's a robot, she's strong, right? I am pretty strong.

Starting point is 01:01:57 I think you should use whatever your strength roll is. I pass. Okay, great. You describe to me how you're carrying her. I pick up Kelsey and Hoist her over my shoulders like a big rack of meat Like a big Flintstones rib. Yeah, the first time kills has been called big rack of meat You know what I mean, and I follow Francis and Timmy terrific It is now original Trudy's turn in new Trudy's robot body. She is going to go for Tucker

Starting point is 01:02:22 It's kind of like at the end of the Killer when they're both blind and they're trying to find each other. Oh, the saddest thing that's ever happened. Oh, sick. She passed. Probably because she hears Tucker's voice screaming the name of his son. She's able to find him and find his voice in all of that. And she's going to stagger towards him.

Starting point is 01:02:41 Her arms outstretched. Tucker cannot see her. So she's going to make an attack on Tucker as well. We'll say the first thing she wants to do is get a handle on him. Her arms outstretched. Tucker cannot see her, so she's gonna make an attack on Tucker as well. We'll say the first thing she wants to do is get a handle on him, so she's gonna make a fighting maneuver against Tucker, and then he is going to dodge, and he is just able to dodge out of her way. He steps aside right as she staggers past him. It is now the Fifth Sister's turn. So as you are stumbling towards the door, it takes you right past the Fifth Sister, who sees you fleeing the house.

Starting point is 01:03:08 She looks at you and says, we're not leaving. You're never leaving again. We have to stay. We have to fix it. We have to take them all back. We have to fix this family, Trudy. Where are you going? And she is going to try to stop you from leaving by grabbing at your legs.

Starting point is 01:03:22 She dives at your legs to try to keep you in place. Give me, what do you wanna do? Do you wanna dodge? You're trying to fight back. What's your plan? I'm trying to dodge. Okay, give me a dodge with a penalty dice because you're carrying Kelsey.

Starting point is 01:03:32 Okay. I got a 78. Push it. She rolled a six. So she is going- Yikes. You feel her fingernails sort of sink into your shins. She's just able to just dig in

Starting point is 01:03:44 and all of a sudden it's like your legs have just stopped. It goes beyond the physical. She's got some sort of psychic hold. Like these are almost her legs too, as she grabs on and holds on tight. She says, you're not going anywhere. You're not going anywhere, you're not going anywhere, you're not going anywhere, we're not going anywhere!

Starting point is 01:03:57 It is Little Tuck's turn. Little Tuck's gonna take another bite of Francis. I am going to dodge again. Give me a roll. Ooh, 88, not good. Not good All right, he got a 26. So he is going to bite you as he bites you. You see that his teeth have little syringes in them Cool. Oh no. So you feel these needles sink into your leg. You're gonna take six damage. All right, I have two left. God. Okay, you have eight health. Mm-hmm. He's a kid have eight health He's a shrimpy boy. Give me a constitution saving throw. This will be a hard constitution saving throw

Starting point is 01:04:30 15 I passed thankfully. Oh, okay. Great. That is extremely good for you. Oh, so I don't have an injury or whatever that would oh No, he's like a snake He bites you and then tries to inject you with venom Oh your constitution saving throw you feel this like sort of hot liquid coursing into your leg But you're able to stave off its effects fantastic by flexing your quads by flexing your powerful calves Blake It's your turn. All right, so dog is still on me. I was like, uh shit dog You're the first person to ever use that as like a slang in America Yeah, I just want to do the exact same thing I did last time. You're just gonna wrench them off? I'm gonna wrench them off and throw them at Tucker.

Starting point is 01:05:08 Okay, great. Give me a strength roll. 74 out of 75. Barely. Baby! You pop them off once again. Shit, dog. Are you gonna throw? Eat this! And I'm gonna throw it at Tucker. Give me a throw roll. My throw was so shitty. Hold on, let me think about this. I don't wanna do this thing. Let me see how I can weasel out of the fact that I built- No, here's the matter of theasel I'm not gonna throw it. How close is Tucker? Can I place it? No, he's throw range You can't place it on him. Can I use my move action? Sure, you can move up to him if you want to move up to him and hit him with the dog

Starting point is 01:05:34 I'll let you do that. I want to move up to him and then place the dog on him Oh like to get him to bite Tucker. Yeah. Yeah, cuz it's like once I've wrenched the jaws open I like this. It's like it's like a chip clip. Yes, you know wrench the jaws open. The jaws are like, it's like a chip clip. Yes. You know? Like, it's the chip clip hungers for another bag of chips to keep sealed.

Starting point is 01:05:51 Roll Tucker up into a little... Yeah, I got to roll Tucker up into a little... Oh, yo, this is very good, because originally I would be like, well, he knows the side of his master's face, but you blew his face off. That's true. So, yes, you can use him like a chip clip

Starting point is 01:06:02 to stick on a Tucker, if you would like to do that. That is very fun. That's gonna be a melee attack Tucker does hear you coming though So he is going to his senses are wait wait, but was he deafened by the blast true true true true check it check it dog Run it back run them dice back dog. Was he deafened like we were so actually yes No, he does not hear you coming. So that means you're gonna basically get to do this to him Yes, well crown this as him doing nothing, which means you slam the dog. I'd like to clamp this dog around his balls. Okay, the dog is straining to bite so it's already spring-loaded. I'm gonna clamp this around the protuberance around his groin. Wow.

Starting point is 01:06:36 AKA his balls. You managed to stick the dog on him and it's holding tight onto him? His balls. His balls. All right, you're gonna have to do a hard roll to target his balls Well, I was quite flaccid at the moment. No, I won't target this ball Crest falling Freddy I'm just gonna clamp it onto the most available part of his body. It's his ball, which might be his balls Okay, great DM's choice. He has like three health left So we are gonna have him do his d6 of damage kill him Oh, he got a one so that's sing sing to his master's leg and Tucker screams out in tone

Starting point is 01:07:15 So mission accomplished the dog is now on his leg it is now doodles his turn Tucker feels this bite knows what's happening We'll let him say Because it is like his dog, but his voice is fucked up. We're gonna give him an intimidate role. Oh my god, this is just like an Air Bud when the clown guy has the newspaper, and he's just like, with the newspaper, and Air Bud's like, I don't wanna go to that guy.

Starting point is 01:07:37 So there. So Tucker fumbled his intimidate role. Yeah, and Air Bud goes to the little boy. That's what happens in Air Bud. The dog is not convinced. If anything, he flubbed it so hard he thinks this is someone trying to impersonate his master. So he's all the more like, we'll never listen to anything he says. So he's gonna roll his electrocution.

Starting point is 01:07:55 Okay, so he got a six. Yeah, baby! Man's best friend. So, yes. And as Kelsey always says, if you fry your your friend that will be the end of him Did nobody learn how to spell friend that way? No Fry your friend that will be the end of him. Okay Electricity arcs through Tucker's entire body flails around

Starting point is 01:08:16 Let's give us one more luck roll to see if the things easier for him. Maybe He's definitely for him maybe. No, no, no, no, no. This is not to make things easier. He's definitely going to go unconscious, but we will say that as he's fling around, his finger curls around that trigger of that 357 Magnum one more time. So everybody give me a luck roll. Even Kelsey? Even Kelsey. I got a one. Hey.

Starting point is 01:08:36 A one? A one. I got a one out of a hundred. Okay, great. Well, definitely doesn't hit you. I failed. We'll say your super luck means it also doesn't hit Hirsch because she's carrying you. And I bought Bitcoin. And I bought Bitcoin.

Starting point is 01:08:49 But unluckily you decided to sell one it was $30! You bought a pizza with it. Francis what'd you get? I got a 19 so I succeeded. Okay. I got four I succeeded. Wow Okay, can you roll a luck for new Trudy for Trudy Prime? Neo Trudy Neo Trudy Neo Trudy succeeds Okay great 34 So this gun just goes off into the air Our skylight!

Starting point is 01:09:12 Did they have skylights back then? What about the solarium? Does that roll luck? No, the solarium There's ficus! The ficus fails its luck roll and gets one right in the pot Man, that was dry as shit anyway Drag that fic Ficus. Get his ass.

Starting point is 01:09:28 Oh my god. Dry ass. Ficus sitting there. So that was Tucker's turn, and then yes, Tucker crumples into a heap on the ground. He's now dying and unconscious. Trudy, it is your turn. Trudy, I'm sorry I've killed your husband. Huh.

Starting point is 01:09:40 That's okay. If anything, I get credit for that. I'm just throwing that out there. Ah, but I have finished the blow. He's dying, not dead yet. I'll put that out there. Ah, but I have finished the blow. He's dying, not dead yet. I'll put that out there. Hold on, hold on. You can finish him off.

Starting point is 01:09:48 He's still here. Who wants to do the last rites? The Fifth Sister is digging her hands into your legs and you find yourself unable to move. I would like to try to talk to the Fifth Sister. Okay, great. Go for it. My friend Kelsey, her favorite book is The Velveteen Rabbit. And in the book, it says, real isn't how you're made,

Starting point is 01:10:06 it's something that happens to you. And I think that family is the same way. And I think we can't fix this family, the one that you wanna fix. I think that family is just who you want to be around the table with and who you're not afraid of. If we can't fix this, then I've failed. If we're not a mother and we're not a wife, then what are we?

Starting point is 01:10:28 What are we? We're human. We're people. We're women. We're, you know. Women be women. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:37 Women can be women. And they don't have to be anything. Give me a, I feel psychology is not bad. What do you, what's? Psychology seems, yeah, fine. Okay, wait, give me a bonus die on that, because that's good. Okay. If I tie it, does it... Yes.

Starting point is 01:10:50 Okay. Tie! Goes to the runner. Yay. I tied it 40. New Trudy looks at you for a second and is kind of taken aback by what you just said. Her grip loosens. And you could step out of it if you wanted to. Trudy, if you define yourself by the people around you, what's left? What's left? So just let go. And Trudy steps out. Okay, she lets go.

Starting point is 01:11:10 I'm going to kill my husband, new me. Season is here and honestly, we're already over it. Enter Felix, the healthcare company helping Canadians take a different approach to weight loss this year. Weight loss is more than just diet and exercise. It can be about tackling genetics, hormones, metabolism. Felix gets it. They connect you with licensed healthcare practitioners online who'll create a personalized

Starting point is 01:11:47 treatment plan that pairs your healthy lifestyle with a little help and a little extra support. Start your visit today at felix.ca. That's F-E-L-I-X dot C-A. Great. So you walk over to Tucker. He's on the ground. This dog has finished electrocuting him. New Trudy is staggering around next to you.

Starting point is 01:12:10 He's unconscious with blood spurting out of his face, but he is still technically alive. He will die if you don't do anything or you could do something if you want. No, that's okay, honey. I'll tell you about my day. I got to hang around with my friends and I did a little shopping, taught some Sasquatches how to talk and we invented Bitcoin. So that's what I did. But the best part of my day was not having to see you anymore. Goodbye. part of my day was not having to see you anymore. Goodbye." Her hand slides tenderly over his neck,

Starting point is 01:12:48 like it has so many times before for an evening peck on the lips, but this time the pointed nails so smooth and red puncture his carotid artery and he bleeds out and she doesn't even stay to watch it happen. You gripped it and ripped it. Grip it. Fuck it. And then left it. It is now New Trudy's turn. New Trudy kind of senses that this has happened because she can feel your presence and she just stops. You see her sort of torso turned towards you and she just reaches a hand out to help you up to your feet. I take the hand. And she lifts you up and then she just hugs you. And you can feel her mind reach out to you and say, thank you.

Starting point is 01:13:31 And now it is going to be the Fifth Sister's turn, but at seeing all of this happen, she just vanishes back into your subconscious, which brings us up. Whoop, I'm out. I'm out. Everybody, never mind. We're cool, right?

Starting point is 01:13:43 I'm good. I'm out. That'll bring us back to Little cool, right? I'm good. I'm out. That'll bring us back to Little Tuck who sees you slit his throat and now Little Tuck's gonna come straight for you and make an attack roll on you. I'm gonna dodge. Okay, give me a dodge roll. I failed. He hit, so he is going to latch onto you.

Starting point is 01:13:59 Okay, so he does nine damage to you. What? I am out of hit points. I'm at zero. You're unconscious? I'm unconscious. I drop down too, I guess. Okay.

Starting point is 01:14:13 Oh, shit. All right, so you crumble to the ground. Well, actually, no, Neutrity is holding you mid-hug. So you do not fall over, but you are unconscious. Unconscious. And technically dying? Blake, it's your turn. We could take her to the Bigfoots and have their Bigfoot doctors

Starting point is 01:14:31 You didn't Amy Adams stopped the flooding when she crashed into the pilot by the time we get there's been like a billion years Yes, but regardless technology will be so advanced. You're right. Let's go back This podcast has the chance to do the funniest Freddy what do you want to do a little battle report truities house? We have one unconscious real truity We have one still conscious fucked up truity. Yes, but the new truly headless robot truity is endless robot truities good Could there be part swaps to fix old truity Don't know yet Blake Lively's thing about ambiguous situation ambiguous ambiguous Kelsey catatonic. Yeah, I'm in my own dream land trying to Go to still Francis

Starting point is 01:15:16 On the way out with with the kid with the kid mission accomplished their Interesting thought here question. What if I puppeteer the body of this Tucker and I say, you listen to me young man. You let go of your mother right now. Given my, given, just kind of what, what might that be? What might that look like, DM? You sound just like him, so.

Starting point is 01:15:39 What on your character sheet would you like to roll for that? Let's start there. So you're saying you want to go over to Tucker, sit him up, and then have him say, like, listen to me, knock it off? Yeah, and I would roll law. I want to take the little yippie dog and reposition him over Tucker's heart so that the electrical shock from this little robot will kick his heart up into gear

Starting point is 01:16:06 and cause him to flail about. Well, no, it won't save him. God. He's already dead. That would be so unfortunate if it saved him. No, he's dead. Yeah. He's dead.

Starting point is 01:16:15 What the fuck? What are you doing? What are you doing? No, listen, he's bleeding out. He's got no heart. Fucking hear me. But as we established in our opening, a body's heart can keep pumping well

Starting point is 01:16:23 after the It's pumping it all in the wrong places. I don't think a body's heart can keep pumping efforts Exsanguinated that's true, but that's where the robot dog with the electricity comes I'm trying to make the body flail around to make it look like he's still alive listen I know this man this man. This man is a selfish inventor. Any chance of being saved by his own inventions? He's gonna program that in. If Little Tuck thinks that Tuckers BPM is still going, but he's in danger of dying, that he will stop fighting and go try to save his life. Yeah, try to make moves. All right. There's a long shot, Freddy, but I'm gonna let you try it.

Starting point is 01:17:03 First thing we need to do. Unclamp this little doggy. Give me a strength roll to unclamp the dog a little doggy open up for me Thank you 33 out of a very strong 75. It's easier the third time Now you are going to have to give me a mechanical repair role to affix this to his heart in such a way that it will Send coursing electricity through his nervous system. What is your mechanical repair? 35. Oh my god, that's right. That's your plumbing score.

Starting point is 01:17:29 I need to very carefully target it into the nipple. 47. Okay, so- Now I could burn, or I could push. If you push, you don't get to burn more luck, or you can burn your luck to do the roll. And I have 44 luck, and I would need to burn... That's a lot of luck. 12 is a lot of luck.

Starting point is 01:17:45 I wouldn't do it. You might want to, especially for this cock and maybe plan. I'm burning it. All right. I'm burning this luck. So I've clamped it artfully onto the nipple and I give the doggy a little butt pat and I go go fight. Oh, go. Here's what we'll say is that normally the dog bites on someone and doesn't let go until Tucker gives them an off command, but because Tucker is dead and can't give the off command,

Starting point is 01:18:11 he will continue doing this. Yes, excellent. So Tucker starts flailing around and sure enough his heart starts beating very fast and blood is just spurting out of the hole that Trudy made in his neck. Ah, this is more horrific a sight than I had initially anticipated. Oh my goodness. This reminds me of a toilet I once fixed. Why?

Starting point is 01:18:32 Well, you know, the spewing and coming out in the wrong way. Oh no. I clamped something the wrong way. Child, child, your father needs you. Oh, okay, great. I love that. Give me a persuade role with advantage. I have 10% persuade.

Starting point is 01:18:46 You have 10% persuade? Holy shit. I persuade with my fists. Oh, even better. I start beating up the dad. I start beating up the corpse. So now the kid will be like, oh no, my dad's getting beat up by this really buff guy with a great chin line. In that case, give me an intimidate. Can't I just do a brawl role? No, because you're trying to convince him of something.

Starting point is 01:19:06 Okay, I'll intimidate. I'll intimidate. Child! Child! Ooh, super success! Super success! Nice. Super fucking success, baby! God damn right. God damn right. Clank Lively's coming to his own this episode.

Starting point is 01:19:17 Child, bear witness to me beating the shit out of your dad. Okay, so in that case... We're really holding space with that and witnessing that. Lil Tuck notices you doing that, thought that Tucker had died because his heart stopped beating and then realized, oh my gosh, no, he's still alive. But before he can administer first aid to Tucker, of course, he has to remove the threat that is now pummeling his father. So he is going to attack you on his next turn. Kelsey, you go back into the past for a split second. Relish Wet has vanished from the future, which means Zuzele is now free to yank you back to your

Starting point is 01:19:49 body in the present. So as you are holding your brother, tears streaming down your face, you blink and you're back in your body. Now you said your brother, when he died, that you got his like personal effects. What's something that was in those personal effects that you've always carried with you since? Um, I'm trying to remember now that, because the timeline's all weird, because I forget if it was, he was a teacher and it was supposed to be,

Starting point is 01:20:10 that's why World War I is too far away. That's why it originally was World War I. Oh, is it World War I? Because he went when he was like 18, because she's older. Oh, did we change it to World War II? Well, he said, and then we started making fun of Guadalcanal.

Starting point is 01:20:22 So yeah, I'm okay with Guadalcanal. Yeah, because the idea is like Kelsey is in her mid-50s, her older brother is like 60. So World War I was like, he was 18, and he had just started a teaching job. We'll change it to Verdun, or something like that. Yes, yes. All right, that's my bad.

Starting point is 01:20:35 That's my bad. No, that's okay. I was gonna say, I didn't wanna know, but my own lore. So yes, he had... What? I just worried that you would make it something weird. What do you think? Could be your copy of the Velveteen Rabbit. Did you give it to him?

Starting point is 01:20:54 I was going to say it's a big old copy of the Velveteen Rabbit. He's not going to carry the big old copy of the Velveteen Rabbit in the war. A huge leather bound copy of the Velveteen Rabbit. Signed original print. Signed by the Rabbit man. By the Rabbit? Little paw prints on the front? You bring that to fight the Kaiser? I think I signed original print signed by the rabbit man Popprints on the front you bring you that to fight the Kaiser I don't think so here we go Kelsey gave him a bracelet and he had promised he would put a little token in every place he visited in Europe on that

Starting point is 01:21:15 Bracelet so you know like a little collecting thing it was her bracelet that when they would go on vacation She would add a little token to it and she gave it to her brother So you know bring it back to me. Yeah, good luck charm andm. And also, like, wherever you go, like, get something. Okay. And it was in his effects. And it did have, you know, like a, you know. And you've just, like, worn it on your wrist ever since? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:31 Okay, it's not there anymore. So, anyway. Oh! Kelsey is very confused. Does she feel like something's different? No, you don't. You're just confused. So, you wake up on the ground.

Starting point is 01:21:39 You see Trudy. Get the gun. Get the gun. Did we win? What's happening? Help. Help. I'm single-handedly holding off Robot Child, We're through the get the gun do we win what's happening help help? I'm single-handedly holding off robot child

Starting point is 01:21:53 But robot child is going to fuck me up, and I have a to health so any assistance, please I punch robot child in the head okay? He's still stuck on tree. I rolled my fighting brawl great, and I got 23 which is a good success, okay? He missed so go ahead and roll damage. She's so strong actually. Oh yeah five. You got five great. I'm back for a fist. Ka-pow! So you feel a little crunch as your fist sinks into this thing and the force of your blow knocks it clean off of Trudy and it flies across the room again and smashes into the wall. It's still got a little life left in it. It's kind of writhing around it days

Starting point is 01:22:25 and it starts inching its way back towards you again. But it's gonna have to make a move before it gets back to you. You did homeschool, but now you got schooled at home. Ha ha ha! That's what she says. Fuck. Beautiful. Holy shit.

Starting point is 01:22:37 So glad your brother's alive now. Holy shit. Holy shit. Ha ha ha. Francis, it's your turn. I keep running with the kid. Because we said it took me two rounds to basically get out of the house with the kid. Yes, great.

Starting point is 01:22:49 He has a name, Anthony. What's his name again? Timmy. I always confuse it with the other one. Tuck. Tuck. Yeah, Tucker, Timmy. A lot of T's.

Starting point is 01:22:57 You make it to the door, and when you open the door, you remember when Tucker said right before you guys were charging him that he tripped a silent alarm? Yeah, I was hoping you forgot. So you see three Pontiacs roll up to the front door of the house. And you see six guys in bison masks. Of a queue? Climb out of, yeah, one of them's probably pretty cute.

Starting point is 01:23:18 It's a little hard to tell under the bison mask, unless you're into that kind of thing. And they were able to park at no problem wearing big masks. Wow. Actually, no, yes, you're right. You see six guys in robes pull up They strapped their masks on and pull out guns and clubs and knives and all manner of weapon and they are now charging towards the front door The house and they invade the house, they surround it, just leave it back.

Starting point is 01:23:47 Yeah, okay. I'm just gonna leave it back. I'm gonna slam that door shut, lock it, and then start heading towards the back. Okay, as you turn around, boom! You see the basement door fly open. And you see three guys in lab coats from the research lab. What are you guys doing down there? They tripped us out on the lab, they're coming up! That's the, remember it goes down into the lab, that's the entrance the research lab. What are you guys doing down there? They tripped a silent alarm.

Starting point is 01:24:05 They're coming up. That's the, remember it goes down into the lab. That's the entrance to the lab. Oh, I know. They stumble out and they also have weapons of plenty in their hand and you find yourselves in a pincer movement trapped and they won't be able to go at the top of the next turn. Oh, man. Wait, so I mean back as we have now.

Starting point is 01:24:22 Trudy, it is your turn. I'm dead. Oh, you're dead. That's right. You're unconscious. And then it's New Trudy's turn. New Trudy sees. Nudy. Nudy.

Starting point is 01:24:33 No. Or not nudy, Trudy Prime in New Trudy. There's so many Trudys, there's too many Trudys. Robot Trudy hears this bang and hears people coming up from the back door. It sort of clocks what's going on. And she backs up for a second, putting her arms out protectively.

Starting point is 01:24:47 And then you notice as the forces of evil close in all around you, you notice a moth land on New Trudy's fingertip. And she seems to notice it too. And she's confused for a second. And then you see a terror in reality, like a line just unzip in front of you in 3D space, and then circle open into a portal.

Starting point is 01:25:11 And the Avengers come out. On your right, Cap! And you hear, on your right. And you see a big, hunky, sexy moth standing on the other side of this portal. Wait, wait, a moth man? A moth man! Frantically, for you to enter this portal.

Starting point is 01:25:31 For you to enter this portal. You had me and moth man! And he says, Trudy friends, come with me! And he motions for you all to run in. You all have one round before Little Tuck gets up to you and the guys bust down the doors and close in on you. what would you like to do? Is there anything rounded near me anything round anything round the size of a tennis ball near me in this house anywhere anything? I'm gonna use a DM the option to tell me if there's something round the size of a tennis ball anywhere near me

Starting point is 01:25:55 Oh, there's a dog There's a snow globe. I grab a snow globe, but I hide it from my hand and I go I hide it from my hand and I go, ha, looks like he's under the wrong group. And I mime the idea of pulling a grenade and then I throw the snow globe kind of near everybody and then I grab it and leap into the portal. Give me a luck roll. Just give me a little extra time, you know?

Starting point is 01:26:16 Mm-hmm. You know, don't want them shooting at my boys when they're running. I mean, bad luck roll. Okay, the snow globe shatters on the ground and a bunch of My child you will live forever as long as you don't But he was too sick

Starting point is 01:26:46 And the nurse was like I think he's trying put that snow globe up on the on his on his shelf He's like no no, it's precious. He's trying to hold on to that. I'm pretty sure he's trying not to let go of it No, it's his and he dropped Dude if only the nurse put it back on the shelf he could live forever Man, what a movie. Dude, Rosebud was the name of his sled, but it was also the name of his first love and his daughter. Crazy.

Starting point is 01:27:11 And his wife's clitoris. You guys have heard that, right? What? Sorry? All right, not to work blue, but William Randolph Hearst, he would call his wife's clitoris Rosebud. And then, Joseph Wankiewicz. I never thought I would use something of Randolph Hearst

Starting point is 01:27:27 but it's like I'm using that move. Sorry, what? Ah! Wait, you think that the move is whispering rosebud against the clitoris and then? Ah! Yeah, Wood Randolph Hearst noted pleasure of women. Hey Beth, hey Beth, do you have a castle?

Starting point is 01:27:43 Hearst knows what's up, he has a castle. Hey Beth, Beth, do you have a castle? First of all, what's up? He has a castle! Beth, do you have swimming pool tours for your castle? Beth, do you have an indoor outdoor pool? Beth, do you have a large pool called the Neptune Pool? It sounds like he's got a big castle for somebody that doesn't have any games. That's what you're saying? Rose, but... You just throw this thing and then you jump into the portal?

Starting point is 01:28:04 Yes, I'm still jump into the portal? Yes, I'm jumping into the portal tree. On the way there I want to hit Tucker. You want to hit him? I hit him. Alright, you hit him. I need to make sure that I cannot bring him back all kinds of- I want to take his head!

Starting point is 01:28:16 I want to take his head! Do I have a turn to grab a kitchen knife and saw his head off? You can do that, but you will not be able to get out of the portal. You have to go to the kitchen, find kitchen knife come back unless you have one on you Quick player huddle if will wants Tucker to come back alive. Yeah, it's gonna have you taking his head I just think told us he's dead if he wants to come back. He's coming back He's not like. He's like damn Took his head

Starting point is 01:28:57 Quick come quick player cuddle though. Yeah, what's up Rose, but Okay fine I also go through the portal as you all bound through the portal past Mothman, Trudy, in your daze as you're dying, you are able to see one last thing before the lights go out. Not dead, but in your haze before you pass out. You look back through the portal, and you see original Trudy standing there in this wrecked, headless robot body,

Starting point is 01:29:19 this scene of carnage all around her, this dog biting the twitching corpse of her dead husband and the slithering head snake of her son writhing towards her and armed men bursting down both doors as they close in on her. And she looks at you and you feel this sense of determination in her voice as she reaches out to you and says, tell him that I loved him. And she presses a mole straight in the center of her chest. You hear a beep begin in this body, and she turns and walks towards the Bisons as they close in all around her.

Starting point is 01:29:56 And you hear this beep, beep, beep, beep. And right as the portal closes, this massive explosion detonates and rips through the entire house and blows the Trout household to smithereens. I am the broken sky All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary In a world that lies Twisted in my mind And now I'm gone All that I can see is a hole in the star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars We're back into the swing of things for 2025, kicking off a crazy start to the year here

Starting point is 01:31:21 in Los Angeles. We are all okay with regards to the wildfires. We had some power outages here and there, air quality issues, but we went through nothing compared to what a lot of other folks went through. Folks, we could use some help right now, so check out the show notes for links to organizations you can contribute to for the wildfires.

Starting point is 01:31:36 Dungeons and Dives is Matt Arnold, that's Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch, that's Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos is our DM, Beth May is Trudy Traub, myself, Freddie Wong is Blake Lively. Our theme song is A Holdin' Stars by Max and Waller, Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Ashley Nicolette is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager, Esther Ellis is our lead editor, and Travis Reeves

Starting point is 01:31:54 provides additional editing. This show is supported by a Patreon consisting of individuals like Greg Noble, Davin Daccio, Noah Collier, Nathaniel Barker, Val Powell, The Hentai Body pillow, Robert Johnston, Cass If you'd like to support this show directly and receive hours of bonus audio and video content in return, you can do so at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads, where starting at five dollars a month, you get the entire backlog of bonus one shots, miniseries, and live show videos that we put up. A new Kingdom Dad monster coming out very soon, and the conclusion of our Warhammer miniseries, Dad Hammer, is right after that. Also, get access to an ad-free feed. You can access through whatever podcast app you're using currently. That's at patreon.com slash

Starting point is 01:32:43 Dungeons and Dads. Check out out my audiobook read of my dad's book Swimming to freedom my escape from China and the cultural revolution Available now on audible and for the people curious about the feature film that Matt and I wrote and directed we're all gonna die We're looking at the last weekend in January so very soon to do some screenings around the country stay tuned for that Support us directly on patreon at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads merchants. Merch and more at DungeonsandDaddies.com. Next episode coming out January 28th. We'll see you then. Too far, too far away But I'll stay today All that I can see is a hole in the stars Smiling in my dreams and making them scars

Starting point is 01:33:52 Too far, too far away But I'll stay today Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Kelsey what is a what? farting bad that was me far scraping something scraping something for sure

Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 16 - The Fall of the House of Tucker

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