Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 7 - My Rifle, My Bully, and Me

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

The Screams are reunited at last for Kelsey’s big boxing match!This episode contains violence, profanity, sexual content, violence against children, and body horror.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Kelsey Grammar is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Francis Farnsworth is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Trudy Trout is Beth May (@heybethmay)Tony Collette is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our TranscriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. My name has been changed to protect me because I'm innocent. Millard, based on the actual case files of a real crime fighter keeping his neighborhood safe. This is my aunt's house, Peachyville, Nebraska. I live here. I'm her nephew. It was Saturday. It was cold in Peachyville. I was on the day watch observing my aunt's house when I heard gunshots in the woods. Car 98 and a voice saying, I'm gonna murder you with this Nazi rifle, Shane.

Just then a call came in on the police scanner. Attention all officers, major accident reported outside of Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars. One Italian man severely injured at the scene. I was about to ride over on my bicycle when I saw a huge moth-like creature flying over me in the air. I was carrying a woman. She looked like my neighbor, Trudy Trout. She waved at me. Hello, Milton. But then I saw something much more important. My aunt. No problem. It's a gamble. You know that. You can do that, okay? She was leaving her house with a gym bag, a pair of gloves, boxing gloves.

It was time to move. Well the Dungeons and Daddies not a BDSM podcast this season Oh man. Where did that come from? I don't know. That was incredible. I'm loopy. That's loopy. Will's tired, Brett's stressed out, Annie's hungry. This is a...

This is a fuck you podcast. Leave me alone. This season, the Peachyville horror, called Cthulhu, actual play horror comedy about four everyday schmoes finding the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. I'm Freddie Wong I play fast talking used car salesman Tony punished collect This is Tony fact I was thinking of like seating in some like hospital related ones But I'm like, nah, I'll just do a weird goofy one from his past and Tony first came into town

He was looking for cash establishments that he could acquire just straight up cash in hand. And that's how he came to acquire the used car lot. But he also had the option of getting the Chinese restaurant that ended up across the street. And this reason why is one of those buildings that looks like an A-frame. You know what I'm talking about? Like you ever seen those like restaurants that just is like a triangle? Is this like what a restaurant clearly used to be a pizza hut. Yeah, yeah. So it's like there's this specific type of building

that's like these triangle restaurants and like a what a burger. Is that what you're talking about? I don't know how else to describe it. And I'm telling you, I have folks out there chime in with the socials. If you have a picture of one of these. And Tony saw this triangle restaurant, he was like, triangle restaurant. Those never do well. I'm gonna get the used car lot instead.

That's it, that's the fact. That's right. He's Tony. He hates triangles. He hates triangles. Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold and I play Kelsey Grammer, the happiest and snappiest school marm of Peachyville.

Not funny. Not uh-uh. And you know what they say, every day should be a teacher appreciation day. Aw. I mean it should be, just appreciate your teachers every day. Yeah.

A little fact about Kelsey, I feel like once again I need to do some cleanup about previous statements on the podcast. I know, this is going to be a little, this is going to be a little fact about Kelsey's love life. I don't want to be answering these questions. Spitting your triangles. Don't want to be answering these questions.

Kelsey and Tony, their night of, I won't say passion. Unbridled passion. Their night was like four years ago Last time yes The math okay, the math was 21 and like 36 which like hey Kelsey can get it, okay I'm not I'm not gonna but I'm just saying it's important. This is like after the war 36 plus 7 equals So like four years So and then also Kelsey has had,

since people are asking, Kelsey has had four other lovers other than. So that's a total of three lovers. Wait, sorry, what? So Tony's negative one lover? Anthony got it. Tony is that negative one, Tony's negative one lover,

so Kelsey has had three lovers. And also just to clarify, Kelsey considers anybody that she's gone past heavy petting as a lover. So don't think you know what she's done. Wow, okay. Well, we know she hasn't gotten to sex yet in the encyclopedia. She hasn't gotten to you.

It doesn't mean she can't write that shit off the top of her head right now. Anal starts with A. Yeah, that's true. That had nothing to do with Kelsey's fact. I was just agreeing with Anthony that anal does start with A. Hi, I'm Anthony Burch.

I play Francis Varnsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville. And my peachy fact is that Francis does not love, but also does not mind the taste of his own urine. Oh, god. Excuse me? It was not a consensual tasting. No. Shane shoved his head into a toilet

after Francis had done both number one and two in it. Oh no! And held him there until Francis thought he was gonna drown. He inhaled some pee. Anthony! We already got so much trouble for all the piss talk. Hey, don't blame me Anthony, blame Shane! Everybody's blaming the victim!

Francis is a psychopath, Francis is a school shooter! No, Shane is the bad guy here. You should all be on Francis' side. It's completely reasonable to shoot people you don't like if they make you drink your own pee. God. OK. Freddie's chiming in here.

For legal purposes, we would like to disavow that statement as an organization. Thank you. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout. Where's my little fucking thing where I fucking do it? Oh no, she's malfunctioning. Man, once she's off the teleprompter. That would be such a great voice sample

to hit right before a drop. Like where's that fucking thing where I fucking do it and then the hardest drop you can get. Trudy Trout, doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children. Fun peachyville fact about Trudy is- Lore drop, we're supposed to call it lore drop. Sorry, lore drop about Trudy is that

her favorite snack is chips. Mmm. Boo! Boo! That one really bites. Nice. That one made me floppy. I like that one. Yay.

You're my man. That's why you're my man. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. You're... So someone suggested this on Reddit. You're gonna listen to Reddit, Will? You fucking idiot!

Just this once, I'm Will Campos. Am I the asshole? So someone suggested this on Reddit. I'm Will Campos. You're gonna listen to Reddit, Will? You fucking idiot. Just this once, I'm Will Campos. I'm Will Campos, am I the asshole? Your father's keeper. Your father's keeper. What? Instead of Daddy Oadmaster, cause it's a keeper in Call of Cthulhu.

You should just be the keeper. So I'm like, am I my brother's keeper, my father's keeper? Yeah, but you have nothing to do with our fathers. I'm Will Campos and I'm in charge of this podcast. You can decide whatever you'd like. And my fact for today. You'll always be daddy-o to me, buddy.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. My fact for today is that according to a study by Manuel Velasquez, from 1720 to 2011, some 1,800 people have died boxing. Yeah, makes sense. Yeah, so the study found the box and that's telling everyone

I know what you're about to say. That's counting everyone. You're about to say, OK, fine. Well, what am I about to say? You're about to say it's safer without gloves. No, I was going to say it was apparently safer than it was in the 1920s. The number of deaths has dropped from 19 per year to eight in the 2000s. Wow. So we'll see. See if anyone drops dead from boxing tonight. Wow. year to eight in the 2000s. Wow.

So we'll see. We'll see if anyone drops dead from boxing tonight. Wow. It is safe for bare knuckle though. Yeah. Is it really? It is. Cause like once you punch once with your bare knuckles

it starts hurting. Like your body just reacts. You do more body blows. And you've got weight. You got weight on those hands. And it's easier to hug the guy. Yeah. It feels better too.

A boxing match with more hugging is what I like to say. I like it when they hug in the boxing. I like it when they hug. It reminds us, the viewers, that, hey, this is just a little fight, but these are friends. These are boys. We only get one trip on this world we call Earth. Might as well spend most of it hugging.

Might as well spend it hugging. The fucking ref must be so conflicted when he has to break those hugs up. Cough blockers. I would let them hug forever. If I was a ref, I would just hug them. I would just kind of hug them. How come the ref never gets in on the group hug?

Why don't they let the ref in? That'd be nice. Anyway, let's play Call of Cthulhu. Let's do it. So when last we left our split party, still split after all these years, Trudy was getting flown through the air by Mothman, Tony Collette had nearly died and revealed himself to be a cat that turned into a boy, party still split after all these years. Trudy was getting flown through the air by Mothman. Tony Collette had nearly died and revealed himself

to be a cat that turned into a boy. And Francis Farnsworth was training with a sniper rifle and a picture of his bully Shane. And Kelsey Grammer had just burnt a cigarette on the cheek of her former negative one lover, Tony Collette. She gave a draft to Audra what he deserved, is the way I would like to phrase it. OK, dang.

A little harsher than giving them a little white feather or whatever they're supposed to do. Overall, one will. And I believe the last thing we heard was you calling Francis and telling him, I hope your gun is loaded, as you prepared to march off to fight Dakota Johnson in order to quash your debts with the Anderson gang mob out at the old weird bunker

on the outside edge of town. So what I would like to ask both of you is, why are you rolling up to this thing? Guys, carpool? Did you come separately? Like I feel like I'm in the backseat cradling room Hilda my rifle such a threatening energy to come to a fight with. They'll never see me coming. So I'm driving you. I assume so. So you two are driving to the match. We'll say we're on our way to the match. We're about to pull up, but I figured I'd let you two check in with each other first. Francis? Yeah?

Look, I'm almost 50. 50 in two days. I don't need a birthday or anything. You're looking! Thanks a lot. I do. I do. I think Max is 45. Oh, well thanks. Thanks so much. I think it's important that as we're about to go do this violence is never the answer But Can we just leave it at that

No, it's just like I wish I could talk to somebody your kid and like I don't know if I should be You can talk to me. I'm super mature Tony's usually the only one I can really talk to I try talking to true to but you know she's you know Yeah, yeah, I mean I love her her but she's just she's a little what? I want to look do you see Trudy in the sky? Trudy in the sky No, you don't see Trudy in the sky. That was just Beth being funny. You just hear in your heart you hear in your heart Funny, but you just hear in your heart you hear in your heart Everywhere I look with his dim headlights. I have every shadow looks like Trudy. Oh, yeah, well no I mean, I don't want her to see look. I really don't want anybody to see me boxing not ashamed of boxing

I'm just I'm ashamed. I mean I kind of am I don't know I You sound pretty ashamed It's the sweet science. You gonna hug him? Maybe, but usually that's not a win. If I'm winning, maybe I'll hug to run the clock out. Yeah, so my thinking is obviously, I'm gonna get in the rafters, dark,

like wherever nobody's sitting, where the light is lowest, I'll set up my rifle and I'll wait for a signal from you and then I'll take a shot. We misunderstood. I'm afraid that something might happen. Like I just think it's good to have a gun in this situation. 100% do not think that this boxing match should involve any sort of firearm.

Please do not bring a firearm into the boxing match. I won't. Sorry, you couldn't hear that. I're I'm in the backseat. I winked. Yeah, I could hear the wink. The wink was very clear in your voice. Francis, can I can I can I say something? Please do. We'll say that you've pulled up to the old weird bunker and your engine is now idling as you watch the crowd trickle in. It looks like it's gonna be a packed house for this fight. I appreciate that you haven't talked about it yet. What you saw.

Hey, I can't be the one to judge you. I've plagiarized a little bit in my time. Oh, God, even the word. The word makes me so sad. I just have to tell you. Hey, sometimes you stand on the shoulders of giants and sometimes you stay there. Yeah. I just want you to know, it's not good to plagiarize

and it's not good to cause violence. Those are the things I'm supposed to be teaching you. And those are two things that you have done. Actively and are still doing. I know, I know, it's very difficult. I'm finding it very hard to be- Every adult is giving me such conflicting advice. I know, I know, this is why they say

don't meet your teachers outside or meet your therapist after. Don't meet your teachers. cause we're all hypocrites. All teachers are hypocrites. We just present the best version of ourselves in the hope that we can make you the best version of yourselves. And you're seeing everything. You've been underneath my bed. You're seeing all this. I feel like I'm getting to be the best version of myself.

I haven't had a bit as good a time as in the last two days, my whole life. One step towards being the best self is definitely having confidence. We'll work on how that confidence is directed soon. But I just think it's important because I don't want to give you the wrong idea. The reason it's taken me so long to make the encyclopedia is because I was plagiarizing because I got fed up and then I was so ashamed of myself

and I have it under there to remind myself all the time and it's so hard without plagiarizing, which is why I'm only on the letter C after seven years. And every day I think about how much easier it'd be if I just went down there and just open up those books and plagiarize, but I haven't done it. So I guess what I'm trying to say is. It seems like you're putting yourself in a high risk scenario. It's like an alcoholic keeping a bottle scotch by the bed.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I should probably. How about this? When you win this fight, we'll go home and we'll burn them. OK, that's perfect. Hey, Francis- You know what, we'll give them to a library. Now that I think about it, burning books- Yeah, that's good.

We pretty recently had good evidence that burning books isn't shills, so we'll donate it to a library. I'm so proud of you. I know it's not all me at all, but you've become such a good kid, and I just wanna say that after this fight, let's both agree that violence is not the answer

and plagiarism is wrong. We'll see how the fight goes. Boom, boom, boom. You hear a knock on your window. Standing right there is Sven Anderson staring down and he says, looks like you decided to show Kelsey. I'm happy to hear it. Kelsey rolls down the window and she says,

the Alpha and the Omega is never late for a fight. She's the beginning and the end of the world. That's good. Where do we park? You can park right here. Who said that? No, the guy behind, the car behind is hogging the horse. Shut up, buster.

Hey, where do we park? Somewhere else. Do not tell my husband to shut up. We're looking for parking. Shut up, lady. Hey. Oh my god. Babe, I love it when you stand up for me.

Oh my god. Oh yeah, we should park somewhere far away if you know what I mean. And the car roars off. Yeah. We're doing heavy hugging. Heavy hugging? I like it when they hug.

I've never seen anybody hugging a porno. That's so sad. Oh my god. Wait, wait, wait. Hear me out. A porno that like, the foreplay is so intense, but it's like not physical at all. It's just like a rom-com. And the, but when they hug, they cum.

So you're saying you want to see like when Harry met Sally, but you want to see P and V and C and- No, I don't want to see any of that. I just want to hug with cum. Oh, I see. Oh, god. OK. So Sven, who is wearing sunglasses now, and when he taps.

Did you get this baby's pot back into your head? And then he just like takes the glasses off and stares somehow directly at you, Francis, with like his two eye sockets. Oh, wow. Oh, man, they could have put those things back in. Probably. And then he puts his sunglasses back on.

It says, my Anderson wants a word, Kelsey. Okay, I'm not Kelsey here. If he had eyes, he'd be rolling them. My Anderson wants a word, Omega, let's go. And he opens the door, Tore is there as well, and the two of them walk you over. Well, I lean over to Francis really quick, and I just say, Francis?

Yeah. The next two hours, I'm not Kelsey, okay? Everything that happens is not Kelsey, This is the end of it. You got it, Omega. And with that, Omega shakes her head and walks out. The Anderson boys walk you over to an ice truck idling nearby. It says Anderson Ice on the side.

Now, Francis gets out too. You go, okay, you do follow her over? Armed? Yeah, Francis tries to like put the rifle back down, down the back of his shirt and into his belt loop. Actually, no, he probably go from his belt loop all the way down to his pants. So he just kind of walks with a weird limp.

So you've like hit in the gun and you're like you have a peg leg or something like that. OK, the Anderson boys see you do this, so they're not thrown by it. But when you guys get to the door of this ice truck tour, opens up the back and motions for you to step in. Kelsey, I step in. All right. He to the door of this ice truck, Tor opens up the back and motions for you to step in, Kelsey. I step in. All right, he shuts the door. Inside, it's dark, it's fucking freezing in here, and it smells terrible.

Just like rotting meat, the nastiest, like, old food left out on a hot counter all day kind of smell. And you know like how those, like, trucks have that little partition, like, into the driver's seat? Mm-hmm. In the driver's seat you see the silhouette of an old woman dressed all in black and she's wearing a black veil over her face and she's got this little cup of tea and she's sipping

it. She says, is that you Kelsey? You know it is. She slurps her tea and she says, What's nice to finally meet you, my dear. My boys have told me so much about you. Tell me a little bit about yourself. I like to know something about my fighters before they go into the match. I like to meet them. I like to understand them a little.

The moment somebody understands me, that's a weakness. I'm not giving up anything. I'm just here to fight. I respect that. The moment somebody understands me, that's a weakness. I'm not giving up anything. I'm just here to fight. I respect that. I respect strength. I respect people who know that knowledge is power. It seems like you know that knowledge is power.

Oh, I love knowledge. I love teaching. I love... Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yes.

Would you like to know a little knowledge that I have? I'm always down for some new knowledge. She kind of reaches this bony, withered old finger up so you can see it in the window and she points to a package sitting next to you. Go ahead and open that, dearie, a little gift to motivate you for tonight's fight. I know you've had some trouble with my boys. I know that a pupil of yours did quite a number on my boy Sven. I want you to see where we stand.

It's a little early for a birthday present. How big is the box? It's about like, um, size of a head. It's not the size of a head. It's like the size of a shoe box. Kelsey looks at her and then just goes ahead and opens it. When you touch it, you feel it's freezing cold. And when you open it, you feel it's freezing cold.

And when you open it, the first thing you see is this block of ice. You're looking down at it, and on top of the block of ice is a photo of Milton holding today's newspaper. It's tied up. His head is drooped down. His face is kind of covered in shadows. You can't quite fully see it, but you definitely

know that it's Milton. Ma Anderson says, like I said, knowledge is power. And I know that this young boy is quite fond of you. He came to see us today to try to help you. And I think the best way he can help you is to motivate you to do well tonight, dear. If you want him to be able to see you again, you'll fight hard and you'll win.

Go ahead and take that picture, that's a souvenir. I don't know much about you, but everything I've heard is that you're not a lady who makes mistakes. I'm not, dear. You just made one. Oh no. And I turn around and I walk away

without taking the picture. Okay, his fucking frozen eyeballs are in there, but that's fine. You don't have to look at- I'm knocking on the picture. Okay, this is fucking frozen eyeballs are in there, but that's fine. You don't have to look at it. I'm knocking on the door, hey, get me out of here. Get me out of here. Okay, Sven opens the door. I turn around and I go, oh yeah, give me a picture.

Like I'm gonna throw the fight, like, oh, fight harder. What a great, wow, you're so smart lady. Give me something to make me fight harder. What do you think I was coming here to do, not fight? You're bad at your job, you're a bad gangster, you're bad. Get her ass. This old, like, little T and all that stuff, like, what's your deal? What do you think I was coming here to do? Not fight? You're bad at your job. You're a bad gangster. You're bad. Get her ass! This whole little tea and all that stuff. Like, what's your deal? I came here to win. Now I'm just angry.

Now you just have to hope I don't do something stupid after I'm done winning because I'm going to win. If you do something- Anyways, I'm going and I turn around and walk away. Use that anger, champ. As you were walking out the door, having failed to have been intimidated by Maya Anderson, meanwhile, up in the air, Trudy Trout is soaring through the air with Mothman.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh, the ship and she's like, I'm flying, Jack. I think, wait, I think it's like, okay, so in Titanic, when they go out onto the bow of the ship and she's like, I'm flying, Jack. It's like that, but like they're not on the bow of a ship. They're in the air. So he's flying like vertically. That's so weird. He's flying vertically and he's not-

You're leaving every single part of your body. Like he's wearing a jet pack. Yeah, Mock Jesus has his arms around my waist and I say, oh my goodness, I can see all kinds of things. I can see my house from here. Just kidding, it looks like every other house. Oh, that's the odd bunker on the outside of town. Yes. And he gracefully lands.

There's like a sort of forest kind of on the edge of this bunker, and he lands in the forest discreetly so all the people outside cannot see. He sort of lights upon the ground, he points to the bunker ahead and says, there, danger, many deaths soon, Trudy stop danger. Trudy stop danger. Um, I have a question. Should I tell my friends that I'm a robot? Moth Jesus looks at you and says, Trudy wise, Trudy know best course.

Yes, of course. I must save Peachyville. I'll go do that. I march out into where people are gathering for the fight, I guess. Okay, so you're just going straight in. Is there anything else I should know? Moth Jesus puts his voice box up to his thorax and right as he's about to say something, he coughs.

He's like, Moth Jesus grows weak, must return home. Trudy stop danger, Trudy strong, Trudy wise. Trudy have the words. And he points to this book that he gave you. Oh yes, and that book is called? It has a title and a language you don't understand. You haven't looked inside yet.

Yep. The words show the way. The words show the way. Moth Jesus wish Trudy well. And then he blasts off into the sky. Bye Moth Jesus wish Trudy well, and then he blasts off into the sky. Bye Moth Jesus, I wish you well as well. And I march into the, the more people are. While that's going on,

Francis is waiting outside of this ice truck with Sven and Thor. And Francis, you hear the sound of an old 50s jalopy roll up behind you, rock music's playing, and you hear the sound of an old 50s jalopy roll up behind you, rock music's playing, and you hear the voice of Carly, who spots you and says, Francis, oh my goodness! Carly, hi! What are you doing here? You spot Carly in her 1950 XX Ford Thunderbird, along with the gang.

This is Carly's whole squad of friends that you know quite well. AOC! it's on our mind. All right. Who's the third one, Anthony? Huh? There's a two person gang. Anybody else you want to name? It's The Squad.

It's The Squad anyway. Yeah. You'd recognize their faces anywhere. There's Spooky Middleton, Beatnik Seeker of Darkness, Davis Lee Jackson, homeschooled football fanatic, Reggie Regular Pine, the Cheer Squad star, and of course, Billie Holiday, comic book nerd extraordinaire, are all hanging out in this car with her, along with Shane,

your arch rival and mortal nemesis. Carly stumbles out of the car and she rushes up to you and says, oh my gosh, the last I heard, you're on the radio. They were looking for you. What happened? Yeah, I Went through some stuff, but they couldn't hold down this wild bird this eagle They couldn't catch me Wow, that's so cool and impressive. Oh my gosh. I'm just so glad you're okay. Yeah, I'm glad you're okay. Yeah

Frankie we were all so worried about you. What'd you get in trouble for? Kissing all the pretty ladies? And that of course is the voice of Shane, your bully, who comes up and gives you a playfully, like extremely hard jab on the shoulder. What were you, being too cool for school? Is that what you were in trouble for, pal?

I mean, if you ask the British exchange students, then yeah, I was actually pretty cool. Oh yeah, the British exchange students. Ha ha, this guy's a riot. What an imagination, this dork. And he gives you a playful noogie. I'm just messing with you, pal. That was an offensive voice you did just then.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I hurt your feelings? No, I'm just saying it's irresponsible to like, to like mentally challenge people to make that voice. What voice are you talking about? These voices. Oh, is that you mean the voice that I do when I'm doing you? Oh no, oh no, I fell into my own trap. Oh, come on, Shane, give him a break.

He's been having a real, wow, everyone in this scene just has the worst voice. Just the highest, yeah, how's that falsetto doing though? Shane's just giving you a hard time. Hey, we're here to see this big fight. Are you here to watch this big fight? Yeah, I'm a big fan of the hugging. The hugging?

Come on, you gotta be here to knock people's teeth out, to knock them senseless, to be here for the blood. Ain't that right, Frankie? I know you're a natural born killer and he punches you like six more times in the stomach. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow. No, a wise woman once told me that violence is not the answer.

Is that it? But. But, but, but, but what? Did you forget? Did you forget what you're saying? Did you forget what you're thinking? Come here, I gotta whisper something to you. Oh, shit.

Okay, here we go. What are you gonna whisper to me? First, I'm gonna kill your dad. Oh! Oh! Oh! Then, you're gonna watch your mom beg for her life. Holy shit!

And then, and only then, will you finally get the sweet release of death at my hands. Anyway, Amanda, I'm so excited for this fight! Wow, yeah, that's great! Oh, I got something I'm gonna whisper in your ear now, okay? Someone the teacher once told me, okay? Is that all right with you, Frankie? Sure, I say, and I slowly start moving the rifle from my back to my front. Oh my God.

Okay, like it's like pointing down the leg of your pants, right? I assumed it would be pointing up. Pointing up? Okay. That's actually not smart. It's like pointing down the leg of your pants, right? I assumed it would be pointing up. Pointing up. OK. That's actually not smart. Yeah. That's the way you're carrying it. Yeah. And Shane whispers in your ear and says,

You're fucking nothing, little man. You talk a big game, but you got a tiny little dick and a tiny little fucking pair of balls to go with it. I'm not scared of you at all. You make me laugh. You're so fucking funny. And he licks your ear. It's kind of fine that my balls and my dick are small. Can you imagine how weird it would be if I had big balls and a small dick? balls to go with it. I'm not scared of you at all. You make me laugh. You're so fucking funny." And he licks your ear. It's kind of fine that my balls and my dick are small. Can you imagine how weird it would

be if I had big balls and a small dick? What a comeback. Got me, dude. You got me. You got me. That'd be bad. I'm just saying. Anyway, yeah, we'll see you in there, pal. We're just going to go watch the fight. We'll save a spot for you. Unless you're too scared and you'd rather watch people hug all day. No, I'm good. I think I'll sit on my own, the'll sit on my own, the cool, mysterious loner that I am. Hey Carly, why do you hang out with that guy?

Oh, Shane, he's not that bad. Just so you know him. He just said I had small balls and he licked my ear. But, I mean, you're kind of a bad boy too, aren't you, Francis? Yeah, but like in a fun way. Well, I, I mean, I don't know. I just kind of like, I just go for bad boys. What can I say? Well, maybe you'll see how bad I can be I'd be very into that. I've been trying to pit the two of you against each other this whole time. That's really healthy

Yeah, we're just three healthy amigos you me and Shane the three of us were just super well adjusted teenagers soon to be two Sorry, what was that? What? Well, so what did you say? I'll see you inside the fight, at the fight. I'll see you at the fight. Okay, I'm gonna go. Come on, Spooky and Davis and regular and Billy Holiday. Let's go. And they leave. And while all that's going on,

over at the hospital, punished Tony. After Kelsey stormed out, here's what I'm thinking. I think you were- Emergency surgery. Yeah, you were sedated on a cocktail of drugs as the doctors tried to patch you back up. I figured let's give you like a recovery roll for some HP since you did get knocked down to zero.

And health care was pretty good back then, right? Yeah, it was great. It was the best. You used to have a bunch of leeches on you. Doctor, where's my buddy Spleen McGee? Who do you think gave you the squeeze? All right what am I rolling Will? Okay so first give me a constitution check. 100. That's a that's a that's a failure. Okay it's a super die. That's it.

I don't even, doesn't even say what happens if you get that. I dream of you. Constitution. He died at the table. He died in surgery. I didn't realize you ran out of luck in real life, Freddie. Damn. Give me a D1 roll. Give me a 1D3't have one HP. A D1 roll.

Give me a 1D3 with disadvantage. Two threes. Okay, you have three HP now. And you have a major wound. You got pretty fucked up in this car accident, right? Oh yeah, I think so. Here's the question. You got shot and then you got yeeted out of the car. So was most of the damage from getting shot

or did you also like break a shillow to bones? I feel like you lost all your luck. So we'll say both your legs are in casts. Yeah, yeah, yeah the entire bottom half of my body while they were putting the cast I was like, Doctor, you're gonna leave me a spot for my dick and balls. Um, what? My dick and balls. Your what? My dick and balls.

He's just saying dick in balls, but weird. That's the way Tony used to be a cat. No one would say it. Cats pronounced dick in balls like dicky bows. Dicky bows? Dicky bows. Oh my god, wait, what if you have a course group penis like a cat? The doctors are like, we need to write this up for the medical journal. You are coming out of surgery, you're groggy, you're dazed.

You're kind of like opening your eyes a little bit and you're kind of coming back into it. You see the blurry outline of Dr. Mann having a hushed conversation with someone in the doorway. This other voice says, we got a problem, doc. Dr. Mann strikes up a cigarette and says, lay it on me. And this other guy kind of glances to you and says, are you sure it's safe here?

And Dr. Mann kind of nods to him and says, oh, him, don't worry about him. He's on enough painkillers to kill a sumo wrestler. Plus, he's got the metabolism of a feral street cat. He's going to be out for hours. Now what's the problem? Wait, cats don't have cork street penises. That's dogs.

Beth, what are you Googling over there? Stop. Beth, this is my internet you're Googling on. FBI will know, Beth. Get off my internet.'re googling on. FBI will know Beth, get off my internet. But they do have barbed penises. Get off my internet Beth. So this other voice says to Dr. Mann in a hushed whisper, I just heard from our boys over at the bunker.

The Andersons are swapping in a new fighter. Get this, a lady, an old lady. Dr. Mann, Chuck was like, you're joking. I'm not joking. Her name is Kelsey Grammer She's some kind of pugilistic school marm Word on the street. She's got a mean right hook and dr. Man completely unperturbed takes a drag-off his thing and says so what's the problem? Well, what about the ritual the book of many eyes don't say nothing about roughing up a dotty old dame and as he's talking Dr. Man as you realize he's's putting together one of those country doctor kits, and he's got this syringe full of this weird purple glowing

liquid, like one of those little syringe bottles. And he's sticking a syringe in it and kind of priming it and looking at it as he's talking. And he says, listen, stay cool. As long as Dakota Johnson wins that match, it won't matter who's in the ring. The ritual will go off without a hitch. You just gotta make sure you're out of the room when it does.

Now let's roll. We gotta fight to catch. And the two of them walk out of the room. None the wiser that you have been awake to hear this piece of information. What do you do? Wake up, Tony. Wake up, Tony.

Wake up. I will use an Italian technique to get attention back into my brain. Mm-hmm. I'm dying to hear what that is. What would that be? Let me think about that. You started saying that without knowing what it was? An Italian way to get attention? Yeah. Back into his brain.

Back into my brain. I'm hopped up. I'm in the ether right now, dog. You guys are in the regular world. I'm fighting a metaphysical battle, dude That's why he is she is like They don't have that in Italy though. Oh Here's why this I roll over and I press the call button to the nurse. Okay, my nurse comes in Is there something wrong? Mr. Collette? Oh my gosh, you're not even supposed to be awake yet Where's dr. Dr. Mann told me to tell you, a woman, to give me amphetamines.

Power me up, baby. That does sound like something Dr. Man would say. So go ahead and give me a fast talk roll. 97. Oh my God. Turns out she's a nurse of death and she smothers you with a pillow. So she says, oh you must still be

delirious, there's no way about doctor, but you know what, I'm gonna go, I don't think you're supposed to be awake yet. Phone call, no no no, phone call. I'm gonna go find Dr. Mann and tell him that you're awake, cause it sounds like something's wrong, I just, I'm leaving, I'm gonna go get him and he can come back and see you. Okay?

All right, all right, bye. And so she leaves. Bye, I look around for a wheelchair. Hey, Freddie, give me a luck roll. Oh wait, that's right. Oh, there's no wheelchair in the room. All right. You have full control of your upper body.

What about crutches? What about crutches? Sure, there's crutches in the room. Okay. Well, I'm going to acquire- But they're across the room. Okay. Oh, man.

The first thing I'm gonna do is I'm going to flop to the ground and crawl over. Okay. Just like Kill Bill. Yeah, you flop to the ground and you take your catheter bag down with you. Oh, medical tape this to my... where my bladder usually is, alright. What? Okay, and then give me a strength roll to crawl across the ground to these crutches. Strength of 70, rolling below that with a 15.

Okay, great. They think that's a hard success. That's a hard success. All right, so you easily, from all of your time spent army crawling in D'Warr, you crawl over to these crutches and grab them. I want to stumble out into the hallway and look left, look right, and sort of get a situation report of the hallway and look left, look right, and sort of get a situation report of the hallway. What are we looking at in terms of patients, in terms of traffic flow, et cetera, et cetera?

Okay. Hallway is pretty empty. Down at the end of the hallway, you see that nurse talking to Dr. Mann, and she has not pointed at you yet. You have probably about three seconds to do something. Is there another room across the way? Sure. Yeah. It's a hallway of different rooms, right? Mm-hmm. And how dense is the... Okay, in that room it's like, yeah man, I'm just a truck driver, but this guy came out of nowhere. I fucking got a concussion and my thorax is messed up. I sure wish I could beat the shit out of that guy. Yeah, you roll into that guy's room.

How heavy is the traffic in the hallway hallway? No, there's no one else In this room, is there a wheelchair? Yes, because the truck driver is paralyzed from the waist He's like asleep. He was just talking Beth was just talking as him Beth if I can see the guy that did this what hey the dr. Men come in here Oh, no, sorry, man, I haven't seen him. Oh, well he told me we're requisitioning this and I plop in the wheelchair. I have Dr. Wommet.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, we're requisitioning the wheelchair here. They're giving you a better one. A better one? Yes. Yeah, I hope that guy that hit me is gonna be paying for it. Hell yeah.

I heard he will be and I plop in the wheelchair. Suddenly a knockout dame walks in and says excuse me I haven't heard anything about a new wheelchair for my patient. Oh You must be dr. Woman indeed. I am for you. I just came back from not being able to operate on my son What dr. Man didn't tell you dr. Man is the one in charge here He tells me I need this wheelchair. Give me another fast talk roll. Fast talk I got 55 so I'm trying to beat under a 55. 75!

Now you can push your roll and re-roll it, but there will be dire consequences if you fail. No, I'm not re-rolling that. Sir, you're going- But I want a wheelchair! I want one! I want one real bad! Look at my legs! Look at my legs! Please, please, please, please! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, at my legs, please. Please, please, please. Please, please, please, please. Let's just get you back to your bed, okay? And then she calls out to the hallway and says,

can I get two orderlies in room 301 for an emotionally unstable patient? All right, two orderlies are now closing in from one way. Dr. Mann has now spotted you from the other side of the hallway. And now inside the room, the truck driver's beginning to recognize you, Beth. What kind of car do you drive, man? I don't drive a car at all. Ha, ha, what?

He's no man at all. No driving a car? What, are you a passenger princess? Hold on, wait, wait. Is there a fire alarm I can pull? Sure, yeah, there's a fire alarm. Oh, well, OK. I put my crutch down, like, I'll just pull this. Hey, that guy just pulled the fire alarm I can pull? Sure, yeah, there's a fire alarm. Oh, well, okay, I put my crunch down, like, I'll just pull this!

Hey, that guy just pulled the fire alarm. Tell everybody it was false alarm. Good luck hearing that over the sound of the fucking fire alarm! You know? Okay, there's now a fire alarm going off. There are people coming out of their rooms confused. The truck driver saw you do this, and is now getting up to confront you. I can't get up! I can't get up because of you! You didn't see shit, bitch! Now I'm gonna break the fire sprinkler above me!

Okay, great! It is now pouring water into this room. I'm gonna make a run for it! There's the hallway, there's also a window. How many stories up are we? You're like on the second story, I'd say. You have 3HP. 3HP, we're not doing that. No, I'm gonna, I'm gonna just go back to bed.

Just go to sleep, probably. If we get the other three members of the party together, that's a win still. Does this buy me a little bit of ability to like roll out of there? Because now, I assume all the patients are coming out of their rooms. Okay, so this is very good. I assume there's water everywhere, flowing all over the place. People are wet. There's chaos. There's pandemonium happening here. There is water spraying in the room that you are wet. There's chaos. There's pandemonium happening here.

There is water spraying in the room that you are in. You bought yourself a couple more seconds of confusion because like now there's people between the orderlies and Dr. Mann and you. So now you basically got the two of them at the far end of the hallway, like confused patients and nurses in between and then you're in the middle.

Straight ahead of you is a flight of stairs. I'm going to... And I will let you use your drive auto skill to handle the stairs in this wheelchair. Oh, let me check where my drive auto is. It's not that good. It's 40 out of 100. Do I take the roll?

40%? Kelsey needs you, Freddy. She doesn't. I'm gonna... She's fine. She's fine. She's fine. She's totally fine. She's got a powerful robot and a psycho kid on her side. She's fine. She's totally fine.

She's got a powerful robot and a psycho kid on her side. She's good. Now let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. I want to be able to go down the stairs, but I'm not going to go down recklessly. I'm going to try and like with the wheelchairs balance my way down. And it feels like there's a little bit of a tight road walk here because on one hand, if I go recklessly, I feel like I'm more likely to wreck. But if I go too slow,'re gonna get caught but I don't want to go super super fast so I want to kind of like try and split the difference here. Give me a um. Oh and as I'm rolling I'm like someone help me help me get down these stairs roll me good

lad over there good lad. Here's what we're gonna do give me a strength roll to maintain control of the wheelchair while you're going down. Seventy, I guess 72. I fail. Do you want to push your roll? I have no luck! You don't need luck to push your roll. There's buying points with luck. You can also push a roll.

You reroll it. And if you fail... Yes! I push the roll! I'm sure nothing bad could happen in a fucking stairwell on your goddamn wheelchair. 67! I barely make it! Nice. Okay, great. So now you are slowly going down, but Dr. Mann will catch up to you along with the orderlies, unless you can convince someone to push you down these stairs.

Are there anybody under the age of 20 around here? Oh my god, a volunteer! Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. You, medical intern medical medical volunteer child, oh what is it? I already do a car remember the car rented you you got lucky in it Didn't you or even if you didn't help me push me down these stairs? Why should I because I'm doing this for school credit. Here's some school credit What about the credit you'll have at school when you roll in with a brand new Ford Edsel? SHINY!

At the lot! You want a car? You want a car, kid? It's yours! Just get me out of here! How do I know? You're good for it! It's me!

It's me! Do you not recognize me? It's me, Tony, from Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars! You got the keys on you, do you? It's at the lot! Just take me to the lot! You can have any car in the lot. Just take me to the lot. You could have any car in the lot You know me I've been in I've I put flyers up all around your school with my face on it

Everyone knows me in this town. Hey, you remember Kelsey grammar. I know Kelsey Kelsey your teacher I know Kelsey. She was my teacher. Yeah You're the one who give my sister a cum-encrusted car that she couldn't get lucky in. That's her problem! You, you, you will get lucky all the time in your brand new car, and I'll throw in a deep clean, free! Feels like that's a fast talk role. That's okay. I love that deep clean is free when the car is free.

Free car, I'll throw in a deep sleep for free too. What a deal. Well, normally you'd have to pay for the deep clean. Freddie, what is your credit rating? Wait, mine or Tony's? Tony's he has it on his character sheet. Nine. Nine? Yeah.

Means your poor as shit. Well, I got my lot of my lot of my working capital is tied up in investments. A lot of those war bonds aren't maturing. Not too liquid on ya, bruv. And the war bonds, the government gave me the option to roll over the World War II war bonds into the next war for a bonus. Here's what we're gonna do. Extra bonus points.

They had double XP weekends on war bonds. You understand? They said Korea's coming around. They said, listen, we got all your war bonds here fighting Hitler, Mussolini, and Hirohito. But guess what? You could take these war bonds and get double. Double, you hear me?

So when those mature, which only mature when we win the war, right? Is that how it works? Our war bonds, imagine if war bonds paid out if you won. If you won the war, you get more money. Anyways, in a way, right? Here's what we're going to do. First thing we're going to do for the purposes of luck rolls, you have one point of luck. So give me a luck roll to see if this kid recognizes you.

So you're literally asking me to roll one out of one hundred. If you roll one out of one hundred, you will have advantage on your persuade roll to get this kid to help you out. Just because I think it's way more fun than this way from now on. For the one time I have to do the luck roll, here's what I'm going to do. It's no different. I'm just going to say a number and if I hit that number, I get it. Oh, that's fun.

I like that. Yeah, yeah. If you can call your number. Yes, that's much better. That's what it is. You can call your shot. You have no luck, but if you call the number, you get it. Yes, exactly.

That's very good. Call a number and then roll it. All right. 27. 17. That was 10. Damn, damn. Close. Give me just a straight ahead persuade roll. Three.

Nice. Opa, all right. Hey, you got yourself a deal, mate. Okay, so he wheels you out onto the street. From there is a hop, skip, and a jump to your car lot. Ah, it's over there, just across the street, kitty corner. Just outside the gate, enter Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars.

The young cockney boy puts the brakes down on the wheelchair. It goes now We'll be seeing about those keys to afford Fiesta. They're not on me man. Look at me. Look at me I'm in my hospital. I'm in my skivvies. I'm in my skivvies Fred get out here Fred. I'll do Fred What's up, mr. Collette? Oh gosh. I was so worried about you, I'm really scared. Have you met Cockney Joe? Hey, Cockney Joe, what's up? It's good to see you again. Howdy, you do, my name's Cockney Joe.

Not much to look at, nothing quash. I love that song that you do do. What's going on, Mr. Collette? Cockney Joe gets one car, but I get one car too. Okay, it's your lot. I'll take that one. Of the lot, which one do you point to? The Forge Fiesta. No, that is Tony's nickname for the Edsel. He calls it the Forge Fiesta. This one's called the Fiesta. Because of the parties you'll have inside. You know what

I mean? I feel like the Forge Fiesta's a really shitty car that nobody bought and then you try to spruce it up by painting it like a party and you're like, that's the Fiesta. That's a special deal, that's the party vehicle. The center console is a chip and dip. Regardless, you give him the keys to the... It's a what? A chip and dip.

He should probably remove that dip, it's been in there for quite a while. I wouldn't trust the dip if I were you. I'd like you to clean out the guacamole in the come please. Guacamole. Just think about that story where you have to separate the salt of the pepper. The fable where the guys totally separate the salt from the pepper.

Are you talking about that story? No, what are you talking about? You know that story? No! That's what we were talking about! No! What are you talking about? We have to separate the salt from the pepper. What? I don't know what to say. From the pepper? Is it impossible to ask?

Matt, you keep saying Matt, but none of us know what you mean. Stop thinking! I have to separate the gom from the guac of all that you mean. That doesn't explain what the story is, Matt! What the story is? Matt, I just googled separate salt and pepper fable. the come from the guac of all that doesn't explain what the story is mad what's the story man i just googled separate salt and pepper fable yeah it's like let's say it's in the same book if you say one more time it's the story i heard it's like at the same range it's like you know

putting one grain of rice on a chessboard it keeps doubling i feel like it's the same book Rice on a chessboard it keeps doubling I'm telling you right now. I'm googling. I cannot find any reference to this Or two people have to separate salt and pepper Swear to God. I swear. This is a true story if not, dude good idea for a sword. Ah, fuck. Somebody's gonna find it. Somebody's gonna find it. Somebody's gonna find it. I just swore it as a punishment. Somebody's told that to separate.

Anyway, where were we? I don't fucking know. Freddie, I'm sorry, sorry. Do you want one? I just wanted to point out that I was like, alright, well, if I could query just very quickly some sort of centralized, large language model of all open source text, which would be chatgbt, is there a fable where someone has to separate salt and pepper? While there isn't a well known fable specifically about separating salt and pepper, the concept of separating mixed substances does appear in various folks tales and stories But do chat GBT wouldn't even bullshit

Confusing it with Achilles and his lovers ashes being coming Sounds sounds just like salt pepper Sounds just like salt and pepper to me. All right, so Cockney Joe gets his guacamole and cum covered fiesta and speeds off into the night. How are you getting over there? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yes, I'm going to get over there by getting in the car. We're going to get to that one side. Here's how I know, Matt, what you're saying is complete bullshit. The idea of like both salt and pepper on the table is definitely, while not modern modern, more

modern than when folktales would be. You know what I mean? It's not like in the Bible they were like, yes, when you sat down and Jesus passed the pepper by the two shakers, and they're like, oh, it's clumpy. They're like, ah, we haven't found rice yet. Marco Polo hasn't gone to China. One classic story that involves separating salt and peppers, often used used in educational contexts is to demonstrate problem solving and scientific thinking. Maybe I just went to a good school.

Here's a simple version of the story. The clever student and the salt pepper mix up. In a small village school, the science teacher, Mr. Thompson, this is all just AI. But the idea is to separate salt and pepper only using what you have in their school bags. And then some clever student comes up with some alternate If you've heard the story heard this, please text me so I know it's not a dream of mine Freddy's you get into the car your feet are broken. How are you getting there? Okay, I want Fred to load my wheelchair into the back. Okay, and chauffeur me over to the fight. Great

All right, you speed off you get to the fight Kelsey just as you are stepping out of this ice truck you see Francis turn to you Trudy emerge from the woods and Tony Collette. Whoa stumble out of this car with Fred Dale his Tony Collette, stumble out of this car with Fred Dale, his lackey, who loads him up into a wheelchair and pushes him up to you. Everyone is now together. My job as DM is done. Talk amongst yourselves.

My friends! Oh, what happened to you? Thank you, Trudy. I was hoping someone would bring this up. Look at me. Oh my goodness. Hi, Tony. Well, it just tears a mother's heart up to see you in this state.

Yeah, I remember the mother's hearts were torn up. Friends. By their children not coming home. Friends. From the war. Don't listen to her, friends. Wow. Truly. Yes.

Frances. Yeah. Even you, Kelsey. It's so good to see you. Oh wow. I've been a bad, I've been a terrible man. My life has been wasted. Yeah, I can see that.

Are we on a slope? No, you're not, I'm sorry. No, it's a parking lot. It's a parking lot. Well, I have important news. Oh yes, you go first. I think I might be in love. Oh, I knew it, I would hope so.

I've found Jesus. love. Oh, I knew it. I would hope so. I have found Jesus. Oh. Yes. Oh, no. Yes, and he has told me. I broadly encourage this. Well done. He has told me that I must.

Oh, no, you speak to the man. Yes. He has told me that I must save Peachyville. It's my task. But ours to share, really. I've already accepted it as my personal savior, so you can skip me. Oh, of course. You're in. You're in on the battle.

Yes, we must save. Pichiville is in danger. I have this book here. And I don't know how to read it because I don't know how to read. But, um, Trudy, I could teach you. You could? Well, yeah, of course. Um, there's something else you should know about me. OK. This isn't easy to say. Yes. Well, it's OK if you're not Catholic.

No, no, it's a I am. I'm not even really human. Hmm. OK. I'm glad you're OK with it. I mean, yeah, that's I don't know. Right now, you might be suffering it. Well, I mean. Well, go on. I mean. Yeah, I don't know. Right now you might be suffering from a little something scientists call hysteria.

Oh, yes. What do you mean by that? Maybe, but no, I don't think so. I actually think I'm thinking clearer now than I ever have. And it's because of Moth Jesus. He saved me and now I must save this town. We must save this town. And so-

Trudy, when you say you're not human- I'm a robot, of course. Can you breathe it? Yeah, what do you mean? Sure, yes. Do you see this button on the side of my head? Oh shit, I forgot about this. Oh, I look, is there one?

It looks like a mole. Yeah, it looks like a mole. Well, maybe we shouldn't do it where everybody can see it. Okay, come behind my car. That's what a lot of the kids been doing. All right, go ahead and just press that button. Oh no, all about that.

Press the button. Okay, so the top of Trudy's head. What the he's doing? Oh, it's up and you see her brain connected to a bunch of wires. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh, does it look interesting? Press it again! Okay. Press it again! Yeah, go and press it again! Oh stop talking while I'm looking at

your brain. Hey! Don't talk to me like that! Oh sorry you're right sorry sorry Trudy I'm just this is a lot. I'm sorry I'm a new woman you know? Oh it's just you're talking your mouth is talking but your head is open it's just. Yes my head is open for the very first time. What happens if somebody touches the brain? I don't know. Oh god't wanna do it. Oh God, don't do it. I don't wanna do it. Ugh, he throws up. Not on the brain, right? No, no, not on the brain.

Okay, everyone give me a sanity roll. Oh my God. Everyone, not you, Trudy, you're taking this very well, but I think everyone else seeing this definitely qualifies as a sanity roll. Guys, I think I might have made up that song Pepper's story. 56, I pass.

You pass, okay. 27, I pass. 35,, okay. 27, I pass. 35, under 40 for sanity, so I passed. You all passed. Well, I hope this doesn't change the way that you think about me, because when I found out, I felt so alone, more alone than I had ever felt in my entire life, and I even wondered

how long I've been alive, and I had so many questions about all sorts of things, and then I felt found and seen by Moth Jesus and all I could think about was getting back to my friends. Oh thanks Rudy. You're still my friends right? Of course. Uh yeah. Francis, God I want to kill Tucker so bad. Oh yeah wait a second what the fuck's going on with Tucker? Does he know? Who cares? I don't, I don't. Did Tucker do this to you? I think Tucker is responsible for the whole thing. Francis takes out a piece of paper from his back pocket and adds the name Tucker to a list

and then folds it back up and puts it in his back pocket. Kelsey, see that list? Yeah. Okay. But I think I'm part of the whole. You see, I don't think I would even exist without Tucker and so I'm in some ways indebted to him, but I just wish that he loved me

the way that he said he did. Okay. But the book, the book is important. And so is the fight, I guess, if that's something you want to do. No, I have to, I mean, I think I have to, oh, that reminds me. I've got some great ways to cheat at boxing. Oh, I don't need to cheat. That's okay.

Oh, hold on. Yes. Kelsey, Kelsey, I've't need to cheat. That's okay. Oh, hold on, yes, Kelsey. Kelsey, I've overheard something. Everybody just ignore Tony. Wait, no, no, this is important. Everyone, you want to hear this? I had this hospital, I heard my doctor, my doctor, doctor man. He said, what did he say again?

Uh. Pfft. You don't remember what your doctor said? Who can remember, when those guys, the white coats start talking, my brain goes blank, baby Give me a no roll to remember what he said Freddy Maybe I'll be nice to you no role. Here's what I know Kelsey 45 out 60 I remember

My short-term memory is still okay He said that as long as Dakota Johnson wins the match, it won't matter who's in the ring, the ritual will go off without a hitch. Just make sure you're out of the room when it does. There's all kinds of crazy shit going around on this fight, you can tell, can't you? All kinds of crazy things. First we saw that bat monster, now Trudy.

Okay. You're a robot. He's not a monster, he's a friend. Okay, sure. Even more than a friend maybe. Well, you met the monster, sorry, you met the thing we saw? Yes, he saved me.

He put me back together. He was nice? He was so nice. Okay. I get a bad rating for the baseball bat. If Trudy says he's nice, then he's probably nice, even as a robot. Well, let's hold off on that because I clearly don't have the best judgment.

Your judgment is usually pretty strong when it's not about Tucker and I think there's something going on with Tucker and I mean, you're a robot, so I can't help it. I don't know a lot about robots or ever gone there, but like, somebody had to maybe... Yeah, it's R, right? Yeah. That's farther than you are in your... Yeah. I plagiarized it once.

Oh my goodness. I know, Iiarized it once. Oh my goodness. I know, I'm a bad person. I'm just telling everybody now. And while we are doing our confessions, let me just. Tony, Tony, Tony. Let me just. Hey, there's something you could do if you wanna do something decent for once in your entire life.

You wanna do something? Oh wow. Yes, please, please. Call my sister and let them know that somebody took Milton and then also probably call the police and let them know that the fight here is run by Ma Anderson and they took a young kid. But Dr. Mann was in on it. Okay, I didn't tell you to call the doctor, you idiot. I told you to call the police. How do you know the cops are in on it too? I don't know.

I meant to tell you guys when I was escaping through the woods after the drive-in, I saw Mushy Callahan, the town librarian, the guy who runs BetSpy, all wearing masks and talking about going into a mine to do like weird culty stuff. So this may go all the way to the top, I don't know. Oh, wow. Who can we trust? Does the name Zuzaal mean anything to you? Isn't that what that guy said before he burned himself?

He did. Oh, yes. I don't remember. At that point, you hear Sven and Tor walking back around. They're like, all right, Kelsey, it's time. Stop lollygagging around back here. I've never lollygagged in my life, don't you worry. And then I look at the three of you and I say,

I'm gonna fight, I'm gonna try to drag it on as long as I can, Milton's in trouble, so maybe while they're distracted, she's gonna be watching me try to find out where Milton is, there's a picture of him, like in that little spot I went, the little room I was in, Francis. Francis puts a hand on your shoulder and goes,

I'm not gonna do that. Yeah, that would mean we would miss the fight. And we just found each other again. Okay, well, no, I'm not saying so you can be here. I will do it. I will do it, Kelsey. If that's what it takes. I'll do anything to regain the valor I've stolen

from our boys overseas. Kelsey, the signal is putting both of your hands on top of your head like they're barriers. That's the signal. For what? Oh, Francis, it's incredibly important you do not shoot Dakota that I'm fighting. They just said as long as Dakota does, if Dakota wins, then the bad ritual happens. Yeah. So if Dakota's dead, then it doesn't happen.

Like if you're down on the ground and you know you're fucked up and it's down for the count. But I can't know. But you're hitting him in the head. You, then it doesn't happen. Like if you're down on the ground and you know you're fucked up and it's down for the count, but you're dead. You don't shoot somebody, Francis. Uh, I'm pretty sure I can. No, I know you can, but you don't. Not this box, it's just a boxer. You don't shoot them.

I'll shoot the wound. Don't shoot them. I won't. I don't think anybody should be shooting anybody, but should you find yourself in a precarious position, it's easy to disguise hitting the back of their head by grabbing them, like a hug, but you can hit them. And it's illegal, yes, but it's sneaky. Rabbit punch, baby.

I'm gonna whisper to Trudy, because I'm gonna get ready, I'm gonna whisper to Trudy, he's like, don't let Francis shoot him. I'm assuming you're strong if you're made of metal. I guess I haven't thought about that. Yeah, okay. And then I'm gonna open up my trunk, I'm gonna put on my outfit,

which is the cloak I got from when I graduated with a master's. Oh wow. Why are you wearing wrestling outfits? I'm not wearing them. Those are just like that little robe you wear when you prefer you go in. And then I have the happy and the sad drama masks

and I put them on either side of my head And I have the graduation cap and then I'm gonna start walking out Bitch and set up. Are you sure you don't need a cut? Straight to you with my smiley face I say nothing and then just turn my head to the frowny face All right, well actually Kelsey, you are going to need a team on your side in there. Every boxer when they go into a match has a cut man, a coach, and an assistant coach. Oh great, okay you three. Yeah, Francis, you're going to be right there on the bench. I'm the assistant coach from the Rafters.

Oh. What you do with your team is up to you, but can I assume that these three are your team? Yep. Yes. All right. Well, then let's go on in. Tor leads you into the bunker, kind of go down a flight of steps and you emerge into this massive concrete room.

There's like a big vaulted ceiling. It's a packed house in here. There's kind of lights shining down on a boxing ring, dead center in the middle of the room. To the left, you see one door that's being guarded by two guys that appears to be where Dakota Johnson and his team are getting ready. Because on the right, there's a door open for you to enter and get ready.

There's also a bookie stand where people are placing bets. And when they see you walk in, like all of this consternation and murmuring starts happening when they realize like, wait a second, is he going up against like an old lady? Like what's going on here? I want to be clear because I was gonna say when I came out on the ring, but I'll do it here. I'll say if people can see me approaching is I am walking with a walker and very and I'm being really slow and like, slow and like, and I'm walking. Okay. In that case, there is a bum rush to the, you see the bookie frantically flipping odd signs over and there's a rush for people

to pull their bets and place new bets. There's always some people being like, she always does this. Don't fall for it. Like, ah, you don't know what you're talking about, buddy. Cassie, who should I bet on? I look at him and I say you should bet on Dakota. Okay, okay, okay. Good tip from the killer.

Fucking asshole, lose all this money. Putting all my soda trick tips on you Kelsey. Good idea Francis. And then over in the far corner of the room you see just like a big pile of like old boxes of like old like sort of like pre-war equipment and stuff like that. Can you guys give me a spot hidden check? Oh, Matt, it's your time to shine. Ooh, I got a 16, which is under 25.

24, which is just under the 25. I got a 15. I missed, it's hard to see in the masks. Oh, that's a good point. That's not gonna help you in the boxing match, I don't think. Who says I keep them on? Oh, I guess that's just your walk on.

You guys notice one of the boxes is cracked open, only one seems to be open at the top. I check it out. Francis, I guess that's just your walk on. You guys notice one of the boxes is cracked open. Only one seems to be open at the top. Check it out. Francis, as you approach, you hear someone say, Francis, Francis, over here. It's me, BB. Come here. Oh, hi, BB. I've been stuck in this box like all day. This place is a death trap. It's crawling with the Bisons. I've been all over them since yesterday. I've been trying to figure out where their secret base is. I think it's here. The Bisons? The Bison Cult, the people who kidnapped me, the Order of Bisons.

Oh, I didn't know that's what they're called. Yeah, that's their name. They got like a whole cool bad guy thing going on. Oh, okay. Well, you should probably leave. I know, I just, look, it's vitally important that you hear what I have to say, okay? All right, spill.

Come in closer. Okay. I've been studying these guys. There's something going on. It all seems to be going around this match something's gonna happen with Dakota Johnson Do you are you aware of this? Am I telling you old information? Uh-huh. Oh, I've been in here for no reason Is that what you're saying? I've just been stuck in this stupid box. I mean you weren't around us. So that was a plus Oh, okay. Well, why is that a plus? What's going on? You okay? You're just judgy. I'm Judd

What the Okay, well, you know if you don't need my help Francis then never mind and she closes the box and then you just hear like stifled sobs What BB was gonna do Crate baby, baby. Don't listen to that. I take it back. I take it back That's great. Bebe. Bebe, don't listen to that asshole. I take it back, I take it back. I was just fucking with you.

Oh, I was really mean. I know. I just, you're so much smarter than me and so much better at me than everything and you're so young and I got jealous. I don't like it when you just kind of take, I was thinking you did something mean and then you're trying to do a compliment,

but it sounded like you were pretty mean. I mean, I'm doing the compliment because that's where the meanness came from. Doesn't excuse it. Bebe, I have some big news. Oh yeah, you must be so fucked up. Always. Okay, touch this see some fucked up? Always. Okay, touch this mole.

She immediately pokes your mole and sees your brain and goes, Oh my God, what? Yep, that's my brain. What? Yep. Give me a luck roll, Beth. I'm trying to be in 40. Shit, I failed really bad.

Okay, what'd you get? I got a 91. Okay, what'd you get? I got a 91. Okay, someone saw you basically. We don't know who, but someone saw you. We hear someone go, oh my God, and then they start running somewhere. Some people don't believe that women have a brain unless they can see it. Bebe's like, look, I'm sure there's a really, really interesting story behind what's going on with you right now. I'm going to not look at your brain because it's freaking me out.

But here, and she hands you guys a set of schematics for the bunker. I dug these up when I was doing research on this place. It might help you out. Oh, yes, it will. Oh. Uh, maybe, how is it gonna help? I gotta fight. That's the only thing that's happening. Yeah, I just look.

All I know is that something bad's going on, and you might need to make a quick exit. And I'm pretty sure under the ring, there might be a hatch in the floor or something like that I saw people coming in and out from under there more people were coming out of there then we're coming in do you know what I mean? Oh okay. Yeah so just be careful okay? Okay. I'm gonna stay here and keep notes I'm gonna start taking notes. Bebe you want to do some investigating that could be helpful? Yeah what need? My Anderson took Milton somewhere. Can you?

Creepy Milton? Yeah, yeah, but you know, he doesn't deserve to die even though he's got strong feelings for me. So if you could just find him. Find Milton. Yes. You got it. Okay. And I don't know, I'm gonna get out of here

without getting caught there. Let's just pick her up out of the box. Like it's fine, you're already here. We'll just say you're part of the team. Okay, I'll go find Milton. Okay. She gives you guys a thumbs up and check in with me about this side quest

in like an episode or two. Okay. And then she runs away. What do you guys wanna do? Frances is gonna look at the blueprints and try to find somewhere that would be the ideal sniper spot. Yeah, you can see that there's like a scaffolding

with lights. You can tell from the schematics that over in the corner of the bunker, there is like a maintenance ladder that goes up to the scaffolding. I'll see you after the fight. And I head away toward that ladder. Oh gosh. Give me a stealth roll to get up there. Sure. See if I beat a 90. 88.

Uh, okay. Francis seems to have plans. Well, now what's he doing? He just made it so that now I have to win. Otherwise a young boy's soul is going to be destroyed. And with that, the lights dim and you hear an announcer say, ladies and gentlemen. Get some jumping jacks in quickly, Kenzie. Do some jumping jacks. I don't tell you how to sell cars.

Okay, I'm just looking at every one. Welcome one and all to the battle in the bunker. Holy shit. That's pretty good. So pump up music starts playing. Yeah. What's Dakota's sound? So Dakota comes out. What's Dakota's sound?

I thought that. Nothing. I'm just like, that's just silly. Like what if somebody comes out and it's just like a choir of orgasms? Like what is like, what is the worst sound you could come out to? I don't know I think about that, you know when pigs orgasm it lasts for up to 30 minutes. I did not There is in fact a string quartet I don't feel that special what God a string quartet strikes up and plays a pomp and circumstance. Yes, that's what I was thinking.

She goes out to the graduation thing. No, that's what Dakota goes out to. Oh shit. Yeah. Damn. She stole your intro song. I go out to a Vitamin C. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Do we have enough advance time that we can get Maxon to do a 50s version of Vitamin C? Of Best Friends Forever.

As we go on. All right, so these dueling graduation songs are playing as the announcer says, Coming all the way from South Dakota, it's Dakota Johnson. And the crowd goes fucking crazy. I'm gonna spot hit it, I'm gonna spot hit it and I wanna find everything about her

as I'm watching her walk. What do I learn about her? Just like the Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes movies. First of all, you find out that Dakota Johnson's a man. Give me a spot hit and see if he's hiding anything. Yeah, I got 35.50, so yes, I passed. He is not walking in with anything other than his trunks, his gloves,

and a whole bunch of weird, what look like tattoos on his body Okay, and I'm gonna roll psychology Okay, do I see any like limbs like this? They seem overly confident like roll as your psychology roll I feel bad. He's just a stone-faced wall as you guys walk up weighing in at 300 pounds It's Dakota Johnson and Over here in the graduation outfit and weird costume. It's the Johnson and over here in the graduation outfit and weird costume It's the alpha and the omega weighing in

And I still he walk while coughing oh Yes, okay, one second. Hey young man, I look at Dakota. Can you help me in the ring, please? Oh, you look at Dakota? Yeah, oh sorry, young man, can you help me in the ring, please? Dakota Johnson, now that you're up closer,

give me one more psychology roll with advantage. A six. He looks glassy-eyed. He's just staring at you, vacant-eyed. No grandma charm. No grandma charm. No grandma charm. He's just looking like whatever walks into this ring, he's gonna pummel and that's it.

It's just a one-track mind right now. I'm in the game, dude. Something seems wrong with him. Well, yeah, I still ask him. I say, help me, help me up, young man. He just looks at you and just starts pounding his fucking gloves together, like over and over again.

Looks like somebody can't wait to punch an old lady. I look out back at the crowd and I slowly climb in. Well, is there a ref? There is a ref. Okay, can I roll, like, I'm trying to determine if the ref might have any biases that I need to be aware of. Oh, that's interesting. That feels like a psychology roll.

Okay, ooh, I pass. I got 31 and my score is 40. He definitely like he put a little more stank on Dakota Johnson when he said Dakota Johnson than when he said Kelsey Graham. Interesting. I want to see a fair fight. This play sucks. They have the ref do the announcing. Yeah, they can't afford the high operation. Worry! underground boxing match. We can't afford an announcer. In fact, that's my day job, is I'm an announcer, and I only do repping on the side. So you're not even experienced in what you're doing. I'm not that experienced, and I'm not that good at my job.

Let's get ready to rumble. That's trademarked. Not yet! I slowly walk in with my walker and coffin, walk up straight to him. I just look at him through my mask Mm-hmm. What does he do? He just looks at you and I know he just breathes heavily. Mm-hmm He's winded go for body shots Hit him in the kidneys Kelsey and I look at the crowd left and right and I go looks like this guy's got

One more lesson before he can graduate. And I move my little tassel from one thing to the next. And I throw the hat up in the air and I rip off my mask and I throw the walker into the crowd. Ow! Describe your outfit underneath. What are you actually wearing to box in? Oh, just my normal clothes.

Just your miss Frizzle ass clothes? Yep, just my miss Frizzle ass close. And I turn around and I have a little spry on my step and I start like boxing the air and I go, all right. Let's do this. I feel like, give me like a, how is there no performance skill? There's intimidate.

What would be the skill for like working the crowd? That's what I'm trying to figure out here. Charm? Oh, charm. Yeah, give me a charm roll on the crowd. Oh, 22. Out of what? And my charm is 25. Oh wow, okay., yeah, give me a charm roll on the crowd. Oh, 22. Out of what? And my charm is 25.

Oh, wow, okay, so yeah, they like, again, they're not happy to see you come out here, but they're starting to warm to you. They're starting to feel like, it's gonna be a shame when this charming old lady gets her brains bashed in by this professional boxer. So you guys go up face to face, and the ref gets up next to the two of you and says,

all right, I want this to be a good, clean fight. We're going by standard homebrew fight rules. Three rounds. And then I'm going to just explain this as opposed to doing any character voice, because it's going to be a little bit of a, here's how I want to do this. It's going to be a three round fight.

Each round consists of three opposed melee attacks. If you get hit three times in a row, you get knocked down. You have to make a constitution saving throw. Six total hits across the match, you get knocked down. I'll go into the rules later as they come up, but basically that's how we're going to do this. Between rounds, your team is going to have some opportunities to help you out that I'm going to explain as we go.

We'll start with our pre-round warmup. Who is the cut man? Who's got the highest first aid skill? I have a 45 first aid. Okay. I have a 30, so you're probably better at it. Oh, man, this must be devastating for you because you're a huge Cut Man fan.

Nobody loves Cut Man more than Freddie. Cut Man! Maybe Dr. Wiley. Nobody loves Cut Man more than Freddie. Me and Dr. Wiley, exactly. And then that Freddie would make you her coach. I like to massage her shoulders. I do not let him massage my shoulders.

That's my job! I look at Tony. I say, Tony, Tony if you want to help look me in the eyes Yes, and tell me how many boys died on D day Tony give me a no roll give me a no roll. I have an 80. I have no idea Okay, so Kelsey's now just whisper weak You know how advantage on one roll. Ooh. Trudy, is there anything you would like to do

to physically warm up Kelsey before this match? I like kind of crack her neck in a pleasant way. And then I lean in and I whisper, you gotta lace him. You gotta strike him with the laces of your gloves. And that'll cut him on his face. And then you hit the cut and then you go for it and you keep attacking. I like the sight of you Trudy.

Kick his ass! Oh so when I get all homicidal it's weird. You say that to nobody, you're just up in raptors. Give me a first aid roll. First aid roll. Failed. I got 78. The rage you felt at what Tony said is cancelled out by how painfully

Trudy with a robot strength cracked your neck. So you're back to zero. Yeah, that felt great Trudy. Thanks so much. Ding ding! Round one begins! Dakota Johnson advances towards you lumbering. He's like not even raising his gloves yet. He's just walking towards you in a straight line. What's your not even raising his gloves in. He's just walking towards you in a straight line.

What's your deck score? 60. His is 40. So you're gonna get to take the first sword. Nice. I'm gonna raise up my hand and be like, oh, sorry, the bell just rang one sec. And then the moment I start coughing,

I turn and I punch him. Okay, great. He is going to punch back. Okay. So give me a fighting brawl roll. Hell yeah. That is, what is that called? What's the terminology?

What's the one fifth of my brawl? That is a critical success. Yeah, I got 12. Extreme success. I got 12 and I have 60 on fighting brawl, so that is a critical success. Okay, fantastic. He rolled a 69, which is a normal success.

So you are going to clobber him straight in the face. And because you got an extreme success, which is a normal success. So you are going to clobber him straight in the face. And because you got an extreme success, you both knock him down and wound him. Nice. Hell yeah. So that means he's gonna have to make a constitution saving roll.

Man, if you're like Brad Pitt in Snash and it just takes this one. Nice. Tell me how this works, because the moment he falls, I'm gonna go fucking dammy the dog on him, and I'm just going to leap on top of him and start punching his head over and over again.

Illegal blows from you Kelsey, from you Kelsey. So he succeeded his constitution role, so he is gonna be able to stagger back to his feet, but he is definitely like, what the hell just happened? And because you punched him so hard, that does mean you are gonna wound him as well, which means he's gonna have a disadvantage dice. Now, we're gonna say this was a nice targeted hit. Yeah. Yeah, where do you most want to fuck right in the eye?

Right in the eye right in the eye. Okay. So yeah, he's got this big busted swollen eyes Yeah, I want to get that blood dripping down. Oh shit. What's going on? So he's gonna have for the rest of the round disadvantage on his dodge rolls because it's gonna be tougher to see you coming Nice, but now it's his turn. He's gonna be tougher to see you coming. Nice. But now it's his turn. He's gonna take a swing at you. So it's the same thing like I roll against him, like he rolled against me. Yeah, so he's enraged and he's just going for,

he just wants a nice clean kill shot on you. So he's gonna do a fighting brawl roll on you. Here's what we'll say. If you punch back, we'll do an opposed roll and whoever has a better success will get the hit. If you succeed in a dodge for the purposes of this fight, what it'll mean is that you have advantage on your next role, so it's like kind of a trade-off Okay, so that's what that'll be that that'll be the trade-off. Okay, so he swings at me. He's taking a swing at you

I'm going to You know what? No, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna dodge yet. I'm gonna swing back. Okay, just trading blows That's a 22 of my 60 so a good good success, not a crit like the 12. So you got a hard success. I got a hard success. And then he got, so he rolled a... I had such a shitty roll before, but I'm fucking, God damn Kelsey, that's right.

Good job, Tony, things were angry. Yeah, baby. He actually only rolled a regular success. So you get another nice clean jab off on him. He's been hit twice now, and he's starting to stack around. He's like, what the hell is going on in this fight? And he's getting fucking pissed. It is now your turn again in the initiative order.

Yeah, I'm gonna swing at him. And this is the third punch of the round. This is the end of round one. At 79. So I miss, I miss. So you miss and he- I have too much to use my luck on. I'm not gonna do it.

What if you push it for a combo? A one, two, if you push it. Can I push it? Yeah, you can push it if you want, but- Mm-hmm one, two, if you push it. Can I push it? Yeah, you can push it if you want, but... It's bad. It's extra bad, but I can use luck. Still, even on a push dice, right? No, you can't use luck on a pushed roll.

I just thought it'd be fun to have a combo. I know. I wanna... I don't wanna give it up. What do you think, Beth? I think you gotta push it. Here's what it is. If a skill roll role fails, players the option to push or spend, but not both.

I push him. OK, what are you trying to get under 60? All right. Freddie, come here. What did you get? What did I get? 59, my boy. So I succeeded. OK, he got a 14 out of 75.

Yeah, I don't fail. You don't fail, but you get knocked down because a critical strike knocks you down. So you get knocked down and you've been wounded. So now you're going to make a Constitution 60. And every time you get knocked down, it's going to be a harder roll the next time you get back up. So right now it's just a regular roll. Okay, that's a 58 and my Constitution 60. Okay, so you barely stagger back up, but you have now have a cracked rib

from where he punched you, which means you have a penalty to constitution rolls. And as you slam into the ground, the crowd goes wild. You're staggering back to your feet. It seems like the 10 counts going, but you get saved by the bell at the last buck and second. And now we're bricked for the round. So this is the first round,

I got two hits and he got one, right? Yes, he got, yes. So, so far so good for old Kelsey. And it's first round, I got two hits and he got one, right? Yes, he got, yes. So, so far, so good for old Kelsey. And it's first to six or three in a single round? Six is a TKO. OK. He staggers back over to his corner. His cut man, Dr. Man, is fixing up his eye to help him out,

so he's going to have that dexterity disadvantage removed. What would your team like to do? You have a chance to inspire and you have a chance to heal. I'll use my x-ray vision because I'm a robot to know that you have a cracked rib. Just add it to the pile, I guess. Can you do anything to it? Well, yeah, let me just kind of push it. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, your first aid, Beth? 30? 45. 45, okay, okay.

Don't hurt me again. No, you luck. That's a lot of luck for you. Oh no, push it, push it, Beth. I got a 64. Push it. I'm gonna push it. Oh, push it.

Oh boy. Yes, I got a six. Yes, yes. You're hurting me. I don't know, I'm like, you're like, I can't do it anymore. I'm like, just do it, Trudy. I can take the pain, just push it. OK.

OK. Somehow you feel the worst pain you've ever felt as these two jagged bones are just mushing up against each other. But somehow she kind of clicks it back into place. And you think, at least for now, you're OK. I've done a lot of puzzles. I want to, I get the sense that Kelsey's not happy with me,

so I want to slink. Really? I want to slink over quietly to the other corner and sort of get a sense of what's going on. Snoop a little bit. Oh, wow. Oh, okay, interesting. Okay, give me a stealth roll to get over there first.

61. Okay, what's your stealth skill? 20. Okay, so as you're going over there, the assistant coach to Dakota Johnson, Dakota Fanning, is like, not so fast, buddy. You get back over to your corner, and he pushes you in your wheelchair back over there.

Hey, hey, hey! Does Dr. Mann see me? Dr. Mann does see you, and he's like, hey, fuck you, Dr. Mann! Fuck you, Tony Collette! Fuck you, Dr. Mann! Fuck you! Tony Collette! Fuck you! Fuck this guy! This guy's the worst doctor! Mmm, I don't like you anymore, Tony.

We're done. And I'm looking around, where the fuck is Francis? I look up to Francis. Yes, speaking up. Okay, Francis, what would you like to do from the rafters? So Francis had his rifle trained on the ring the entire time, was following center mass of Dakota the entire time, just in case. But because you punched him twice and he only punched you once, he's now scanning

the crowd for Shane. Oh my God. Just in case. Give me a luck roll. Actually, give me a... You said luck. Okay. 21 out of 85. Okay. You spot Shane sitting with the gang and Carly. Getting a handy. And in what?

Getting a handy. Getting a handy. He's just drained like a whole big like. He's just drained. He's like, I don't know man. He's just drained, he's just pooped. No, he's just like had a whole big like soda and he's starting to look antsy like he was just trying to figure out where the bathroom is, but he can't quite see see it But he looks like he's about to stand up and go take a pee

Hmm for this next round you can choose to keep your eye on the ring or you can choose to keep your eye on Shane I'm gonna go to the bathroom and get one of the stalls And I recognize Shane shoes when he comes in okay fantastic Give me a stealth roll to get down and into the bathroom. It's a 28 out of 90. All right, sounds good. So Kelsey, you get your ribs stitched up, you see Tony wheel over and get shooed away. Just as he's coming back over, you hear the bell ring again and it's time for round two. Get on out there and show them. I sprint straight at him and swing. Okay, you're gonna sprint straight at him and swing. The moment the bell rings, just run. You know what, this time just to make it a little more interesting, give me a dexterity roll. Okay, 27 of 60.

So he is going to roll his dexterity. He got a 27 out of 40, so yes, you both sprinted at each other, and you're able to get to him right before he does for the first punch of the round. So what are you gonna do? I'm gonna just punch him. Give me that melee brawl.

I'm not lying, dude. Check this guy, guy's a 26 60 under half the fucking best I have ever had 26 26 Got an 11 out of 75. Okay, which I believe is under 1 5th, right 11 out of 75 Yeah, okay. So you got a hard success, but he got an extreme success But if I spend 14 luck, he got the maximum amount in terms of he got an extreme success. Oh, you're the initiator. No, you'll win that punch. Yeah. If you spend 14 luck, you'll go down to 12,

and that will give you an extreme success. Or you can push the roll. And the punishment of getting hit is? You're going to get knocked down, and you're going to get wounded again. I'm going to drop 14 luck. So I go down to 43 luck. OK.

And I hit him hard. Okay, boom! All right, so that's an extreme success, which as we said, means that he's gonna get knocked down once again. And he's got a roll constitution. He's gonna have to make a difficult constitution saving throw.

Now I was gonna say this, each fighter gets one heroic knockdown flashback. I was gonna give you this same thing too, which is basically to automatically succeed one knockdown roll to get back up at some point in the fight. Oh, to get back up? Yeah.

Cause it's never going down. Dakota Johnson flashes back to the time she taught those kids CPR. Oh man. I got three hits. Roll that Constitution, what happens to Dakota Johnson? Dakota Johnson got another 11, so he bounces right back up too.

But he does get wounded one more time. Where would you like to wound Cody Johnson? Oh no, I punched the same eye. The same, like, the same he's got this, yeah, those stitches explode wide open. Yeah, so the cut man who cut his swelling is now gonna have to cut it again because he has his eye now bleeding profusely.

And he once again has disadvantage on his doctorals. Nice. Okay, so now it is his turn. He's gonna just, again, straight up punch you straight in the fucking face. What would you like to do? I'm gonna just punch back. I mean 60 is my best 49 of 60 49 out of 60. That is a

Success he got a regular success too. So he gets a fucking clean solid hit off Okay, it's now three total hits to two in the match and it's back to you for the final punch of the round I'm punching in 58 just barely normal success. Oh, he failed. Yes! So you get another fucking brutal hit on him and his bell is rung, he's staggering around and then the bell rings and we're back to each other ring for the next part of the

Kazza, you're doing so good. Oh, you are doing wonderfully. Oh, thank you. Can't lie, it's hurting. Don't know about this third round. Usually I get them done in two. The third one's a tough one. What do you want us to do? Oh, put rocks in your gloves.

No, no, we don't cheat. We don't cheat. Do you understand, Tony? But if you had to cheat, you could. I mean, I don't need to. Wait, speaking of cheating, I look up, I don't see Francis in the rafters. I don't know if that's good or bad.

I'm just gonna put some ice on the back of your neck. Okay. You go get him, tiger. Are you trying to like get her relaxed for this match but give her the ice cube on the back of your neck. Okay. You go get him, tiger. Are you trying to like get her relaxed for this match but give her the ice cube on the back of her neck? Like what's that about? It just seemed like the right thing to do. Give me a first aid roll.

All right. And Matt, you haven't even spent any of your advantage yet. I'm proud of you. You've been racking up advantage for all this stuff they've been doing. What, how many advantages do I have? Well, you had one from before the match and then you got one from her again in the middle.

You have three advantages. Save it for the end. I pass. Use your survival points. Yeah, use it for the last round, baby. I pass. You pass. Okay, so yes, you have now three advantage points

coming into this round. Trudy, how are you feeling about being a robot? Hmm, it's complicated. Okay. Or maybe it's very, very simple. Well, I just want you to know, whatever happens here, you got a friend in me, okay? Oh, Kelsey, that means the world to me.

Okay. Wish me luck. Good luck. I means the world to me. Okay. Wish me luck. Good luck. I want to ask Fred Dale. Fred. Yes, Mr. Yes. Yes, Mr. Colette. He's been pushing him around in the wheelchair. Oh, that's right. They haven't clocked you. Go sneak over to the other side of the corner

and see what the hell is going on over there. Okay. Fred is going to sneak over to the other side. Fred is going to do a stealth roll. Use your natural shiftiness and anonymity. Oh, Fred got a sneak over to the other side. Fred is gonna do a stealth roll. Use your natural shiftiness and anonymity. Oh, Fred got a 22, so he succeeded. So Fred creeps over there. Fred, report back to me everything you hear. So you see Fred over there, but you don't see what Fred sees,

because I guess you're over on your side. Whatever, I'll get back to him. He'll come back to me. Ding ding! But right as we ding, we jump. I won! Right before we saw that that we jump into the bathroom Francis you are hiding in the stall you hear the door swing open and you see two high top sneakers that you know to be the sneakers of Shane Silva you see the sneakers walk up to the urinal and You hear a stream begin. Okay. I'm going to quietly open the stall door and come out with my rifle raised. Oh my god, okay

Give me a stealth roll gotta beat a 90 Ten okay, you are as silent as the fucking tomb as you could like shot over his shoulder And there's no audio and just the fucking door opens Silent in here yes, you walk up straight behind him You have the gun aimed at the back of his head, and he has no idea you're back there. Will, I love you, but I'm sorry to say that this is the most scared I've been in the entire podcast.

Wow. So I feel like Francis has thought about this moment for a while. He hesitates with the barrel of a rifle pointed against the back of Shane's head. That would be just too easy. That would be too quick. He wouldn't feel the humiliation that Francis has felt all these years. So instead, he lowers the gun down to Shane's right knee cap, the back of his knee, and then he pulls the trigger. Okay, before you pull the trigger, give me a luck roll.

It's a 44 out of 85. God damn itit he fucking rigged this character up so good. Alright what is your firearms roll? It's 25 but because I trained for so long you said I had three uses of advantage. Yes okay so yes you have an advantage dice if you would like to do this but yes go ahead and give me a firearms roll. 12. Okay so you pull the trigger and give me a 2d6 plus four roll. That's a 10. You just killed him, man. It'll be fine. All right.

There's a deafening sound in this small tiled room and you blow his leg clean off and he collapses to the ground, hits his head in his own piss on the fucking urinal on the way down, is now clutching his bloody face and screaming bloody murder at you. I'm gonna grab Francis. This is not me. Francis is gonna... I don't know who's driving the car!

Francis is gonna grab Shane by the scruff of his neck and shove his face into the urinal so he starts sort of drinking in his own urine because he hasn't flushed yet. Yeah, that happens. Okay, great. Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Damn, doing it silent too. You, great. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Damn, doing it silent too. You know, this guy's fucking got some things to work out. Yeah, Francis says fucking nothing the entire time.

Oh, God. And then he, uh, is it enough to lose a leg? Well, you could steal the leg so that he can't put it back on. What the hell? I don't know if I want to be found with that evidence in my hands. Oh yeah, does everybody hear this gunshot?

Absolutely. So yes, you've hear this gunshot? Absolutely. So, yes, you've just fired a rifle indoors. So, um... I think Kelsey and Trudy look at each other like, oh no! Yeah, no! 100%. There's also only one door out of here. I just realized he hasn't even seen me.

I came in from behind and then he saw piss. So he doesn't even know who just did this to him. That's true. So I'm going to- We'll say you have one action that you can do before someone's gonna run in this door and check on what happened. I feel like as I walk out the door,

I just shove the rifle back into my pants like I had it before. Okay, if you walk out the door, someone's gonna see that you walked out the door. What if you hid in the bathroom again and it was like, hey, I was just in your pool. I heard a guy! I heard a guy!

I heard a guy came in and came out. And he threw his rifle in the other stall. They're definitely going to search the bathroom if I stay in, so there's no point. So I might as well. I just put my head down and I fucking walk out as quickly as I can with my hand covering my face. Okay.

I try to pass into the crowd. Presumably there's still some people in the lobby or whatever. Okay, yes. People are still turning around. They heard this noise. Are you carrying the rifle? It's in my pants. Okay.

You're peg leg walking like a pirate. Give me a hard stealth roll is what we'll call that. Just slip out of here unnoticed. Cause a lot of people are turning and looking at you. Okay, so my stealth is 90. Agent 47. And I got a 98. Oh no, oh no.

The crowd is deafening, but people in the back of the room can for sure hear this gunshot. So people have heard the gun go off. They turn around and see you walking out of the bathroom. The gun is still sticking out of your pants. Ironically, it's a Kar-90. We'll say that I'm rolling a D20.

15 people saw you. And roll another D20. Six of them run at you. At me? Yeah, to stop you. They're like somebody just like, what, hey, that guy's got a gun. And so six people are now charging at you to grab you.

Is there enough people in the crowd that I could like just run into the crowd and sort of just, cause I'm shorter than most people, like could I just disappear into the crowd? Francis, give me another hard stealth role to try to slip into the crowd. And we'll say you lose them,

but they know that you're in the crowd, but they're looking for you. Okay. So my stealth is a 90, I got a 74. So you have slipped into the crowd and we'll say you lose them, but they know that you're in the crowd, but they're looking for you. Okay, so my solve is a 90, I got a 74. So you have slipped into the crowd and they're frantically searching for you, they didn't get a great look at you, but you are evading them for now. And you hear off in the distance

the muffled, agonized screams of Shane as the doors now swung open and people are rushing and intending to him and someone's holding up his blown off leg and throwing up. Is Carly hearing it? Does she come by? Does she, you know?

Let's give Carly a listen roll. Oh yeah, she heard it. She's over there. She's screaming and clutching at Shane. Be like, oh my God, who did this to you? This is like the subject of like a country song or something. Dude, this is just like Challenger's Bro. Yeah.

Like in Leg Injury. Is this like- The love triangle? Yeah. Meanwhile, back in the ring. Let's do one more opposed dexterity roll. Yeah. Like a leg injury. The love triangle. Yeah. Meanwhile, back in the ring. Let's do one more opposed dexterity roll. Give me a dex roll. 25.

You got a 15. Okay. I think that Ty, he had the lower roll. So yes, he gets the first punch. Okay. You're punching too? Well yeah, I'm just gonna punch back. And I got three advantages.

Okay, great. So give me your roll. No, I don't even use that advantage. I got a 12, so that's a crit. I have 60. Okay, so he's gonna get knocked down again. Good God. This is his fifth time getting knocked down.

Which means I automatically win half nine. I'm just saying best half nine. This is his fifth hit. He's going to make a- He's so gonna stop this, man. Yeah, he's almost on the fire. And I'm punching the same eye. He fails his constitution roll.

He got a 65 and he needed a hard success, which would have been way lower. But he is going to use his one heroic flashback to get back up. And he does think back to when his mother was in the Amazon rainforest doing research on boxers. And she was like, I want to train my son to be the ultimate boxer.

But then she died in childbirth. And it was very confusing for him. And he just basically- By the guy who stole her spiders. And he says, hope the boxers were worth it, mom. And he just basically. By the guy who stole her spiders. And he says, hope the boxers were worth it, mom. And he gets back up. And he's been dreaming that he's gonna die from an old lady.

Yes, and he's been like. I have to find her. And he realizes it's you, and he's not gonna go down without a fight. So. Next time he punches you, how are you poisoning me? Yeah. No.

We said he got the first hit. Yeah, so I'm punching. So now it's your turn. Do I have to call advantage before I roll? Is that how it works? Yes. Okay, I'm going to do advantage on this. I have three, right?

Yes, you have three. He has one advantage dice that he may be using. Time to blow those dice, Matt. So you're going to use it now? He's going to dodge, and he's going to use an advantage dice on his dodge. I'm going to do an attack with one advantage then, then and I'm gonna save the last two for the last one That's a 33. Let's see if I get lower a 23. Okay He got with his two advantages an 85

So and his dodge is not very good right as you connect with him Mm-hmm. I wanted to check cuz you're about to to knock him the fuck out. This huge burly dude, and you just fucking clock him right across the face. And as he's sailing through the air, Fred Dale comes back over to Tony and whispers like, Mr. Colette, Mr. Colette, I got something really important to tell you. Well, speak up, man.

Well, you told me to go over there and look at what's going on? Yes, correct. Well, I saw that doctor jabbing the guy in the ring with like a big weird syringe full of purple liquid. Holy shit. I don't know what that's all about but like I he said something about like for when you win and he stabbed him with it and plunged it in. Well I don't know what exactly I can do with that information other than levy a charge of illegal doping to the relevant agencies. Okay well I just

wanted to let you know that that's what happened. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Matt, describe to me how you knock out Dakota Johnson. I feel like then since I was such a big success, I feel like on that second one, like the last that I just did, he was pretty woozy and he was having that like flashback. I could see that he's kind of out of it. And then I feel like this is how I imagine it is that he looked up and he can't help but see like a teacherly face Hold out my hand like I'm giving him a diploma He went huh, he just like reached out to grab it and then I just saw him in the face

Okay, so it's like a big raging bull slow-mo moment. He goes flying back He slams into the ground and for just a second He's just out like a fucking light. And the crowd goes fucking ape shit. Because nobody bet on you. They all lost money, except for like one guy in the corner. It's like, eh, actually Tony. Tony bet on you. Yeah, Tony bet.

So Tony, how much did you bet? Francis also bet on him. Francis, all right. So we'll deal with that later. But yes, the crowd goes absolutely wild. You look over to the corner and you see that Dr. Man and the other members of his team, his coach and his assistant coach are all really freaked out. They're like, this wasn't supposed to

happen. They're getting really nervous. And the referee comes up to you again, a little thrown, but he grabs your arm and says, our winner by technical knockout. It's the alpha and the Omega. Yeah, I say, Hey everybody, thanks so much. I know this is gonna seem hypocritical, because I just did it, but I'm beginning to think that violence is wrong, and this sort of boxing's wrong, and this is the last time I'm doing it, and the Apple Omega's retired.

I'm done. I'm ashamed of myself. Give me a spot. Ah, me too, me too. Give me a spot hidden, as you are saying all this. A 27. What's that over there? That's my 20s.

So as you are saying this,. 27. What's that over there? That's my 20s. So as you are saying this, something odd catches your eye, which is you see like about 15 guys disperse through this crowd booking for the exit. They're sprinting to get out of here. Okay. And just as you notice that, you realize that Dakota Johnson

is like flopping around on the ground. He's like shaking like he's having a seizure. Oh my God. I'm gonna call for ground. He's like shaking like he's having a seizure I'm gonna call for medicine back medical medical doctor man his doctor Yeah is also running for his life and As you look at him you can see that the tattoos on his body are starting to glow You see them almost twisting and writhing like something's boiling inside of him something's churning and rising in his throat He's like looking around he's thrashing his open, and he locks eyes with you for one second,

and he says, Help! And then his head explodes in a mass of tentacles, as this black, formless thing crawls out of his body, like a snake molting its skin. And it's like nothing you've ever seen before. Its shape is constantly twisting and churning. It's about the size of an alligator, but it seems to be growing and growing. And it lets out this wild noise.

And then it grabs the ref and swallows him whole. I am the broken sky All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary In a world that lies twisted in my mind and now I'm gone Hey, I know Europe is about to go on vacation, but Germany, we still got tickets available. Check out dungeonsanddags.com slash live for tickets to our upcoming European tour in October. We just got back from a group record weekend where we recorded Matt Arnold as our game master for Dad Hammer 40K, an adventure in the Warhammer 40K universe. No spoilers of course, but in my professional opinion this one's a good one. Extremely funny, extremely goofy, but most importantly extremely grimdark. This will be the

fifth bonus mini-series that will be available for digital download. You can see all the other series as well as the two tie-in albums for season one and season two on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Everything available for seven bucks 50 cents or You can save some money by just supporting us on patreon at the $5 tier there You will get all the miniseries for the price of your membership including this one the upcoming dad hammer 40k And that's not all you'll also get access to hours and hours of bonus video and audio content If you got some summer travel you got road trip coming up fill the vast hours with our voices as the road stretches before you.

Support us on Patreon, patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold, is Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch, is Frances Farnsworth, Will Campos is our DM, Beth May is Trudy Trout, myself, Freddie Wong is Tony Collette. Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller, Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Ashton Nicolette is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager, Estelle is our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing, and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. You have heard our podcast is supported by Patreon.

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Merch and more at DungeonsandDaddies.com. Live show tickets for the UK and EU and Germany, especially at DungeonsandDaddies.com slash live. Our next episode is coming at you August 13th. We will see you then. Too far, too far away But I'll stay today All that I can see is a hole in the stars Smiling in my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay today It's so much more sinister because he's chewing food. Yeah. You know what?

No, Francis is sitting there. He bought a hot corn dog on his way to the restroom. He's chewing on that waiting. Oh, eating a corn dog in the bathroom? I don't like that. Oh, God, dude. I don't like that. I don't like that.

I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that.