Erin is the Funny One - A Very Girlboss Christmas

Episode Date: August 9, 2021

This week Jack tests Erin on the Marvel Cinematic Universe but not before she pitches the ultimate Lifetime movie and recruits listeners to a toe-centric Patreon.  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Welcome back dear listeners to our seventh episode of Aaron isn't the funny one I of course am your co-host Jack Douglas and unfortunately joining me as always is my wife. Hi I'm Aaron I got swindled into another episode somehow I really have got to stop signing up for those emails you know they just you really it's a problem you can't say yes to everything especially those sketchy ones there's a reason they're in your spam folder you don't have to keep reopening your spam folder but they're there I know honey I know everything seems like a party invite especially the ones that ask for your

bank account info there is somebody in the world that is in need of my money and I'd rather give it I would rather give it to them than to keep it you're so selfless what a hero he was a prince he was in jail I need to get him out can we give it up for Aaron for being a damn hero thanks so much look at that we have a studio audience our seventh episode lucky lucky number 11 seventh heaven why would you what's 11th what it sounds like you're like when you say 11 while I know that you're referencing a movie title it does sound as though you're referring to some type of like biblical curse lucky number seven and on

the 11th day he smote the town with Sleven's yeah I love my Bible I would prefer that we keep our seventh episode on the lucky side of things boring okay chaotic evil alright someone has to be you can like keep that to yourself what should I say like yeah any great idea no it's boring you're boring lucky number seven go go go so it's our seventh episode does it feel like our seventh episode to you does it feel like more does it feel like fewer or does it feel just right you know that's actually an interesting question it does and it does not mm-hmm this is a very new venture for us oh yeah but at the same time I feel

as though we're already getting into a routine I do I do too and I like it yeah and we're having a lot of fun we actually literally at least I don't know I have no idea downloads streams whatever I have no clue and it makes it that much more fun because there's no pressure added and so I have I don't know I can't speak for you because we have never talked about this but I have had so much fun just getting creative for once this is very outside of some things that I do on a normal regular basis as somebody with a regular job in a regular kind of corporate world you don't normally get to flex your creative muscles I don't

usually get to do this I don't get to write horoscopes and I don't get to do that it's a fun little writing exercise right the whole thing is very fun planning it support like planning surprises planning like okay what could we do next so it's interesting how quickly I've already gotten into like a routine of like thinking that this is a fun exercise also I have to tell you the people that reach out to me on Twitter that like will like tweet at me or whatever and they'll either like hey it's actually funny they'll tweet at me and like say like either feedback or commentary on like stuff that we talked

about on the podcast I love that I love it so much because you're a part of it you actually get like a voice in that yeah earlier today somebody had been listening and they were like hey I heard you have a rat problem I have this literal giant dinosaur lizard thing I'll rent him to you for 50 bucks and I was like oh little did you know that the rats that live at my house caused $14,000 in car damage this past winter and my car was in the shop for two months and also I've bought harm-free cages and I've paid for the gas to drive those rats six miles away from my house to catch and release them and like you

have no idea how much money I have spent on these rats and you're gonna rent that to me for 50 bucks an hour that sounds like a damn good deal anyway wow I digress so I love interacting with people on Twitter somebody also asked me they're like do you have a bot working for you because you like every tweet that somebody mentions you in and I'm like no I just like all you feel like I am somehow interacting with somebody and saying like hey I see you I like this it made me smile thank you for tweeting at me like sorry for interacting with positive feedback sorry I'm having fun honestly though it literally feels like

I am still kind of like a noob a little on Twitter and like so I'm not savvy and I'm not used to people interacting with me on Twitter still and so I love it when people interact with me I think it's so much fun so anyway needless to say I have had a blast so far so it has felt like yes we have just begun in that this is our seventh episode single digits seven thousand bajillion that's right but here's open I also think it has felt like a lot longer because we've covered a lot of ground already in like the first month there was like a fat shaming incident like a lot happened could have I could have you know predicted that maybe

in like the second year well into the lifespan of such a podcast right sure so so it feels like you know a short period of time but at the same time I'm like wow we've really covered a lot of ground already and I've been having a ton of fun so needless to say shameless I'm not even plugging my Twitter because I don't care if you follow me shameless yeah well no I don't care if people follow me I'm not there for like clout I just like plug your Twitter baby please world know like if you want to talk about what we talked about the podcast and like I don't know have a conversation or something or just get me to like your

tweet she'll do it you'll do it buy me on Twitter two toes up the number two toes up there you go yeah yeah you are very good with the the Twitter interaction I will say I'm not that good just because like there are days where I'll have like a really long day at work and I won't go on Twitter at all or I'll want to like comment back to somebody or something and I want it to be like heartfelt but then I get all up in my head about like is that the right response so I think I totally overthink some responses a real thing and so then I'll end up like just delaying it for days weeks eternity it doesn't get done it doesn't get done

because I just then avoid like it's not even confrontation the best of us yeah it's not even like confrontation it's just like I don't want to mince words or like say something wrong so anyway I'm not that good at it basically well I think you're highly interactive so here's the thing gosh I am just I'm after all that talking I'm really enjoying this wine we're having but you have a different opinion I do so let's talk about that Jack why don't you tell us what is the wine of the week ladies and gentlemen we are currently drinking a bottle of Chardonnay not just any bottle of Chardonnay no no no stags

leap Chardonnay 2019 from Napa Valley the Napa Valley and Jack when you smell and taste this Chardonnay could you as I'm doing right now could you just give us give us your thoughts what do you what do you smell and what do you taste rich it smells oaky it smells rich as in decadent or riches in full of money it smells like I would be drinking this in a very dark oh okay very specific that setting is precisely where I can see myself drinking a Chardonnay such as this by dark restaurant you mean you can't see it all dimly lit yes okay because you do suffer from face blindness just we have no proof of that I

don't know we have no proof of that okay we do though we covered that ground talk about ground that we've covered man oh man those years ago what the hell are you talking about now let me tell you guys what I smell when I please smell and taste this wine please oh my god I've literally I would let it sit for like the last 20 minutes yeah because the first time I smelled it I was like that can't be right that can't be right the term she used was skunk it smells full on like I just shoved my head into a lawnmower it smells like soil and grass and it doesn't though at all it smells like like weird nature man smells like

like probably what it smells like in a caterpillar's chrysalis it's like wow it's not talk about specific it smells like nature and weird yeah it smells like nature and weirdness I disagree I think it smells like a really good expensive wine here's what I think our crest we've had stag sleep wine before I before I before I slander their name oh yeah yeah we got it come on you got to build them up I guess what I'm what I am of the here's my thesis for the week I think that maybe we just got a bad bottle it happens to the best of them it sure does and Jack loves the wine which just further proves my glass my

initial conclusion that Jack suffers from taste and smell blindness if I did why did I nail that wine test yes so I should have given you this one but anyway no I would I would be able to tell you it's a very fancy chardonnay served in dark restaurants but basically could you if you sign up for my patreon we will raise enough money to cut off Jack films his nose and cut off his tongue as well install a new one does not deserve them and they need to be given to a more loving and grateful home are you giving me upgrades no you don't get anything in return you're abusing them and they're useless to you so we're

gonna give them to a better home here's the deal you went in a very dark and gruesome direction with the patreon okay that's objective I thought you're going somewhere totally different it's not as fact I thought you're going along the lines of like guys if you subscribe to my patreon or if you you know if you join my patreon you'll get to you'll get to you'll get to watch and listen to me taste and judge of wines which I'm sure is the thing I'm sure they're like I'm sure there's nobody would subscribe to that they want to see us cut off your nose and tongue I disagree I think there's a ludicrous amount of money to be

made from someone like yourself doing nothing at all but recording herself tasting smelling wines I had to say it some people will get like you know something out of I have no credentials there's nothing to trust I have no this is so wrong I've said over and over again that you really do have a gift for describing notes describing tastes I can't do it I'm the fat rat and ratatouille that's like yeah it's cheese and you're Patton Oswald and you're going no don't you see when you combine you know that movies overrated I kind of agree people are like it's the best pixel no it's not I'm not agreeing with it I'm quoting

those people they think it's the best picture a lot of people are they a lot people think ratatouille is the best Pixar film have a not so cocoa like here's the deal you guys think ratatouille is the best Pixar film when there's literally a line where Remy says someone asked like where are you going because he's walking away and Remy says with luck forward that is the dumbest fucking shit and that's your favorite Pixar movie yet Ben you're wrong that's all any who long story short please make that patreon honey where you taste test wines on video dude next time I feed you will make 50 grand a

month yeah no what we're gonna do on patreon is we're gonna give you more blind taste test except I'm gonna give you toilet water okay and then I'm gonna give you Clorox nice and then I'm gonna give you the stuff that's inside of like glow sticks yeah and then I'm gonna I'm gonna give you some anthrax oh do they still have that they still make that and then I'm gonna give you some Skittles and then I'm gonna give you some curdled milk and you have to tell me if it's curdled or not I'm no stranger to that I do Irish Slammers I know all about curdling if this podcast lasts until St. Patty's Day next year why would

it not even if wood elf wants to get rid of us I'm still doing it I'm producing this shit will I will hire you I will hire you to edit our shit let me know your like wages okay I will hire you ad hoc as like what do they call that like a contractor yeah independent well you let me know all right I'm gonna hire you like if this still goes until why would it not I don't know I don't know I'm just saying like for St. Patty's Day we should forego our tradition of yeah like guineas is a drink and baileys we'll do an Irish Slammer and we'll make Irish potatoes that aren't actually Irish potatoes at all they're like a

Philadelphia delicacy where you take cream cheese and coconut and like powdered sugar and you just like roll that shit up into a ball and then you dip it in cinnamon and so it's like a little browned cream cheese coconut powdered sugar ball and I don't even know I don't even know where it came from like where did somebody say like oh this is an Irish right oh I'm for Philadelphia my grandparents they emigrated from Ireland in 18 to 47 I don't know 47 but here's some cream cheese and coconut all the Irish delicacy oh the land of iron it's it's full land of iron it's full of coconuts good love our coconuts I

love that I married an Irish wife yeah but yeah yeah that'll be the same Patty's Day special so any who that's stag sleep in conclusion sign up for my patreon and one if you are a level 11 patron we will cut off Jack films his nose and tongue and donate it to a worthy party no and also if you are a level 2 patron you will get more taste tests and smell tests and if you are a level 1 patron you will get pictures of my toenails I was just gonna say like with a name with two toes up like you kind of have to live up to that yeah feet pics are part of the job pics are the deal that's what thank you honey come on work listen I was

thinking about this the other day as a girl boss corporate working lady if I were in a Hallmark movie I'd be too busy to go see my family on Christmas you know always of course I do I know yeah but is selling my feet pics beneath me does that disgrace me at all and I thought to myself I don't think so I think that actually levels me up I'm monetizing your body my body I'm monetized and something that I don't think anybody well people could could feet shame if they wanted to oh absolutely but you know what I'm confident enough in my feet I think I've got gorgeous feet they're okay

something I've never felt validated by by you I mean feet feet I'm not gonna be like no I have good toes what wondrous my second toe is shorter than the top toe by a perfect amount and the third toe is shorter than the second toe by some would say the golden ratio yeah I have a perfect decline you have a Fibonacci sequence in tolling it is yes yes people get surgery from feet that look like mine that's such a waste and such a fucking way so all I'm saying all you're saying all I'm saying is that it would not be beneath me to sell feet pics in fact I'm very proud of my feet pics and I think it'd be rather girl boss

of me to sell feet pics let me know if you want to subscribe to my patreon and get feet pics let me know and I'll start one up maybe sort of kind of you mentioned Christmas and Hallmark and girl boss which is funny because this this year I'm making a Christmas movie called a very girl boss Christmas I was wondering if you wanted to be a part of that maybe play the lead yes okay cool that's all I just needed verbal consent we're set I actually have this I was talking to Jack about this earlier where I'm thinking that because I don't want people to comment on the size of my body but I'm like we should do promotions for

our podcast or whatever I was thinking I could start dressing in trash bags so nobody can see my body that way behind the trash they can't comment on it because it's hidden or I get one of those um you know those like Halloween costumes that have like a built-in motor oh my god inflatable yeah they're inflatable like you're like a I don't know but I'm just defaulting to like the sumo you know yeah that's a classic I was thinking that I could buy one of those and wear one of those in our promo videos that way nobody knows what my body looks like thus they can't call you fat because they're like you don't know what

they look like you don't know me you don't know me you don't know me it's kind of brilliant it's also kind of stupid it's summer right in the middle I think I could alternate between the trash bags and the inflatable motor costume costume yeah just make sure we're not recording any sound when we're using the the the costume with the fucking motor well that could be the funny part is that the motor's running the whole time it could well to well to workshop it oh you know how like when you were a kid and you put in a clothespin and a playing card on your bike yeah we could like figure out a way to put like a clothespin

in a playing card that way the motor doesn't sound like and sounds like and it makes it like cool that I don't know if it works like that I think it does I think it does all right I'll let you figure out I'm an engineer the clothes pin clay playing card angle yeah okay a girl boss Christmas a girl boss Christmas I'm so in so long as I can wear my costumes obviously can I also be the costume designer yeah of course can you wear a trash bag too do I have to oh my god that'd be so funny though if we'd like like nobody am I the love interest here's the funny part that nobody addresses the fact that we're

no I agree I agree 100% right that's my favorite kind of comedy that's literally honestly honestly I will say this I will say this honey one of my like bucket list items one of my dreams was like if I ever did like direct actual feature length films I always wanted to make a comedy that was totally played straight like it was basically like a drama or like a rom-com without the com but like the jokes were in the background or like someone was doing something weird and it was never addressed or like an extra was in the background doing something fucking weird that's never addressed and the movies

just played totally straight that's one of the things I've always wanted to do so I feel like this is a good start I also just had a great idea for a girl boss Christmas is that we make it like a nightmare before Christmas scene sort of and we just walk around like ghosts with sheets over our heads and that way they can't see our bodies then either and nobody addresses the fact there's like ghosts like in in the plot like I'm in it and you just like behave like you're like what's wrong what's wrong with this Merry Christmas it's never coming to your mobile phones oh my god holiday season imagine like here's the scene

picture this everybody yeah we're inside a warm loving glowing living room with a Christmas tree and all these holiday lights and you can feel the warmth the warmth and just love emanating from the scene I'm there and you've got a on the door and I'm dressed as a ghost and like I have like a sheet over my head with like eye holes cut out and it's just like yeah I think there's something to be said gotta be so fucking weird let's do it anyway super excited for that this will be my first acting gig can't wait to get an IMDB profile there you go yeah this is it so thank you for hiring me this is how you get verified honey guys

this is why you need to write a cover letter when applying for jobs I wrote a 10-page cover letter to Jack film here campaigning for my role as ghost Aaron on this year's upcoming Christmas holiday hit right girl boss from the big city comes home for Christmas too you gotta fight for this role you gotta fight hard oh you it was so weird when I showed up to casting and I I walk I walk into this building and I just enter this hallway and it's literally just all of these girls that look just like me wearing sheets over their heads like ghosts the casting process is so intimidating it is so yeah the auditioning

process I should say oh my god you have my exact eyes that is so weird uncanny uncanny oh my god we're like the same height almost wow this is just wild Holly weird am I right no that's why did you watch hold on did you watch today's jackass no one of the questions was what's something you say on ironically and one of the things I answered was more like Holly weird am I right literally the video that went up today guys it's finally happened it's sunk in after eight so happy years oh can you hear the smile on my face listeners I'm so happy damn it that she finally said my signature catchphrase

more like Holly weird am I right so that's stag sleep that's our wine of the week I'm sorry I slandered its name but I say we we try again we buy it from a different retailer I think it's great no it no dude that's no that should taste funky it's like not not good could disagree more no bueno dark restaurant wine so that's stag sleep that's our wine of the week we're gonna try I'm gonna do it again we're gonna do it again okay try stag sleep again we're gonna give it another try I would love to because I am convinced that something happened with this bottle and it's not right it's not okay and it deserves justice okay so

you're here we're gonna do stag sleep again I'm not sure when but we're gonna try it again before I slander its name for good in the meantime Jack's films enjoy your swamp wine because that's what it tastes like swamp wine I plan to I intend to okay donkey get out of my swamp donkey if Shrek enjoyed wine this is the wine he would like that's such an egregious he takes baths this is like straight out of the mud bath listeners she is exaggerating I'm not gross degree I'm not this is some of the finest wine I've tasted in days one time there was a skunk that lived under our house oh my god there was and at one point there was

like a creature that like scared it or something under the house and it like spewed its stuff under the house and the entire house emanated and smelled like skunk fluids like it was insane it was I've never smelled anything that like strong in my life this is worse smelling than that you have the smelling sense of a dog no I don't and also that's insulting it's not I don't I just I just don't smell it at all because you have scent blindness knows what is it what did we call it again nothing because I don't you have smell blindness then why do I know my shards from my others I already told you that I need to go back

to my lab and do more research and I will die on the hill and you didn't did you because you're late yet not yet we're on episode 7 Jack yeah we're on episode 7 we have plenty of time we have millennia to go okay universes to go we do I'm speaking of universes oh I watched a I watched a video all about black holes today that I think would have broken you just the sheer size of these ultra massive black holes are you making fun of me because I cried that one time when you were talking to me about I think I think it would make you cry again because they're just so we can't fathom how big they are and yet Jeffrey Bezos

still exists I'm convinced we already fell into a black hole I am convinced we already fell into a black hole and like it's hell and that's why people like Jeffrey Bezos yeah that's a fun take did you know I think I read okay hold on let me fact check this before I say it out loud please okay take it back I was going to say I read recently that Jeffrey Bezos was the only billionaire that was not a part of the giving pledge which is like I don't know what you would call it but it's like a pledge that these billionaires have like committed to donating yeah they've committed to donating a majority of their wealth to

causes and I read the other day that Jeffrey Bezos was the only billionaire that was not part of the giving pledge that's no longer true well so according to this it does say that there are some levels of philanthropy and we've discussed our correlation between outer space and capitalism right like this is something we discussed on the podcast you tried to humiliate me by saying that you were talking to me about space I just want to make sure there's no like what's happening right now instead of enjoying space for what it is I used it as a form of symbolism in my brain right for the evils of capitalism yeah I

just it felt very existential to me the video is crazy so I can't wait to show it to you I can't wait to see it black holes are big man so honey yes I wanted to ask you something tonight it's a bit of a quiz I've devised and less of a quiz more like a creative quiz it's more of like a series of essays here's what's gonna happen tonight because you humiliated me so last week okay you humiliated yourself for the record I was just the proctor you were the one taking the exam I'm sorry if that's if that's how you view it so be it so here's what I'm gonna do I'm going to give you the title of a

Marvel movie specifically a Marvel Cinematic Universe movie you have to give me the plot synopsis of that movie and then I'll read you the two to three sentence summary that you would see on like you know the back of the blu-ray box or whatever and we can compare and contrast your answer to the summary and by the way a good portion of these movies are movies you have seen before you don't know that but I do I was with you in the theater I've only seen like one more yeah that's not even true that's not even true well I fell asleep during the other one okay I feel like I talk about how I fall asleep during movies a lot but

I actually don't fall asleep during movies a lot I feel like it's just bad movies that I fall asleep during so anyway sure yeah yeah bad movies you fall asleep to hey hey guys she she fell asleep to the dark night yeah which is still considered the finest comic book movie ever made no I fell asleep during the dark night not once not twice but thrice who does that somebody that thinks that that movie is overhyped and overrated okay it's a wonderful film it's clout chasing your clout chasing your clout chasing just for that I'm not gonna sub to your patreon or whatever what I'm not gonna I'm not

gonna buy your toe sucking why would you buy the patreon when you get the toe picks for free damn you got me there honey are you ready honey for the MCU quiz oh I'm ready I am the readiest ready has ever readied okay do you want another sip of your skunk wine no I'll take a sip of your skunk wine then since you're all stingy about it yeah for your first question yeah of the MCU quiz I bet you I remember more than you think I do sure from the distant year of 2008 Iron Man oh I thought you were gonna hand me something no she reached from I'm reading all these from my phone she reached for my phone like let me

see that no shut up okay Iron Man Iron Man starring Robert Downey Jr. that is correct who is a national treasure and somebody that we should all worship if you say so is a spoiled man who has benefited from nepotism okay and is now the head of Stark Industries because of his manned childness this is pretty good so far he do be fucking with creating experimental shit and creates this crazy weird like iron heart thing that makes him kind of invincible so long as that iron heart thing doesn't die and then there's a bad guy and he kills the bad guy also Gwyneth Paltrow was an horrible actress oh wow okay okay I

remember more of Iron Man than you give me credit for do you remember who plays the bad guy in Iron Man the main bad guy Samuel L. Jackson is that right it is not right okay is he the good guy he is a good guy damn it okay hold on hold on let me think it's a white guy right it is a white guy was he an avatar no do I know him yes would you say he's a list or be list he's pretty a list was he in any other MCU movies no what is a jack film version of an a list celebrity oh wow okay he's an a list celebrity is he in his 40s I would say older 50s yeah 50s or so Brian Cranston I'm just gonna say it okay it's not Brian Cranston

decent guest am I in the same vein I mean give me his initials J.B. John nope Jack nope Jengelheimer okay hold on let me think about this just let me know when you're ready to give up and then I'll read you the plot synopsis Jimmy Smiths Jim no James no Jengelheimer my name Jeff Goldblum not Jeff Goldblum Jeff free Jeff just Jeff Bezos Jeff Bezos plays the bad guy you said it hey honestly I could actually see Jeffrey Bezos and Tony Stark getting in an epic robot fight because one has like enough money to be God and then the other one also has enough money to be God and like wait is Tony Stark supposed to be Jeffrey Bezos

they both go to space and shit and have like spaceships like what I can see I can see I can see Jeff Bezos like doing a shitty cameo in a Marvel movie just going hey I really dig what you do for those who don't know he has a very distinguished laugh that Aaron is obsessed with right now I'm allowed to make fun of his laugh because I also have a very distinguished laugh I'm just gonna okay it's Jeff Bridges you aren't gonna get it here is the plot summary of the first Iron Man all the way back from 2008 I hope they mentioned nepotism because we shouldn't like it needs to be included when you say

nepotism who was Tony Stark related to his dad that's right good job just want to make sure that's what nepotism is dick weed a billionaire industrialist and genius inventor Tony Stark is conducting weapons tests overseas but terrorists kidnap him to force him to build a devastating weapon instead he builds an armored suit and upends his captors returning to America Stark refines the suit and uses it to combat crime and terrorism even though technically by using the suit Tony Stark was also committing terrorism no you could argue that your synopsis wasn't terrible but it's not like he just like

whipped up the suit because he was a spoiled I actually thought he had a heart condition which is well he does it is kind of like tethered to his heart yeah I thought I thought the whole thing was that he had a heart condition that was what I remembered about it I think the the thing that he builds in his chest is partially built to like help keep shrapnel out of his heart something like that is very tied to his heart physically why did they not mention that Gwyneth Paltrow is a horrible actress she was skip that sentence she was awful in that movie oh just awful I do love Goop though next

one from 2010 Iron Man 2 okay this one I don't remember a lick about did you see it though yeah I did incredible I told I listeners I told you she's seen most of these movies I'm about like this is not an unfair quiz well I think I saw Iron Man 2 because I liked Iron Man the first one but I don't remember anything about it I'm shocked that you like the first Iron Man one that Gwyneth Paltrow wasn't in I think there was one that she wasn't in no she's in this one maybe only in the beginning I can't remember anyway okay we're once again wrong anyways we're gonna need that plots and options for

Iron Man 2 what happens who's in it Tony Stark suffers from a heart condition that is debilitating without the external medical assistance of his bionic iron heart hmm the day is saved when Robin Williams starring as Patch Adams arrives you're not even trying and he is not only a doctor but he also starred in a movie called Bicentennial Man and so he has extensive experience with bionic organs in the medical field hey if you're listening to this drink if you've ever watched Bicentennial Man starring Robin Williams in the end Iron Man is saved Robin Williams rocks and there was probably a

bad guy but it doesn't really matter because Robin Williams still rocks the and also Gwyneth Paltrow was a bad actress the end eerily on the money with that one honey let me tell you just a couple of details you missed but it's really nitpicking it's really you know it's super close here's the plot synopsis according to Rotten Tomatoes but what do they know with the world now aware that he is Iron Man billionaire inventor Tony Stark faces pressure from all sides to share his technology with the military he is reluctant to divulge the secrets of his armored suit fearing the information will fall into the wrong

hands with Pepper Potts Gwyneth Paltrow and roady roads Don Cheadle by his side Tony must forge new alliances and confront a powerful new enemy sometimes I wonder like was I that drunk watching the movie that I don't remember it or remember Don Cheadle in it or was it just that forgettable I don't know who was awfully forgettable I think Marvel was like very eager to make the sequel to their very successful Iron Man while also like kind of like mapping out the road to Avengers and beyond so they're like fuck it another sequel pump it out let's go the villain was super weak it was a dude the villain I'll use patch

Adams he's played by the guy in the wrestler what's that guy's name that that big actor Mickey Rourke yes played by Mickey Rourke and he had like these these electrical whips oh I remember that actually that was like his big thing which is hilarious to think like once you see the types of villains Iron Man and the other Avengers like face off against in future films it's kind of quaint that the big bad in this movie is electrical whip guy you know it's just it's it's it's dumb but that was the big bad I also think it's kind of fucked up that like patch Adams didn't get the credit he deserved yeah yeah I'm

reading through the summary honey and they I don't know why they failed to mention Robin Williams is like Adam I mean do you guys know anybody who is an organ transplant doctor that is also has experienced being a robot and being a robot organ transplant doctor I don't think so not even Dr. Aaron can do that shit you know you know honey you should wear a funny clown nose it would make you funnier beep beep moving on honey so far you're two for two okay from the year 2013 your next film is Iron Man 3 oh my god now I don't think you saw this one I wouldn't be able to tell you if I did that's amazing this is incredible you

probably did see it I don't know what happened in Iron Man 3 let's let's hear in Iron Man 3 yeah I saw in theaters and I don't think I could tell you Iron Man gets engaged okay that's honestly not a bad guess given like you know franchises and such okay Iron Man gets engaged but after a very tumultuous wedding planning he's jilted at the altar Iron Man's heart is broken oh no his actual robot robot heart is broken and the only way to save it is to go to Abu Dhabi with a bunch of his closest friends because there is there is patch Adams has relocated there oh right he needs to go see patch who also has

experienced being by Centennial Man to fix his heart you could say he could patch him up so Iron Man and his three closest friends go live it up in Abu Dhabi making really funny puns right and as they do he even one liners are so good yeah he runs into like his ex-lover at like oh the mart oh I hate you I just realized what you're doing it took me way too long it took me this long to realize you're making a sex in the city to joke fuck you and fuck the listeners that got it before I did technically it was a mix of both movies because she was jilted at the altar in the first movie and then they went to Abu Dhabi in the

second movie it is so they went to Abu Dhabi crammed the whole duology in there and he ran into an ex-lover and they had a kiss and he was like oh should I be doing this because I was jilted at the altar but also my ex-lover is married but what are the odds we'd meet in Abu Dhabi and did you know there's a new season of an Iron Man TV show great is it called is it called and just like that no it's called fuck pepper pots you in my life gotcha yeah that is correct so also Gwyneth Paltrow is a terrible actress stop slamming Gwyneth Paltrow for God's sake she's our guest next week she's a terrible actress she's gonna sell

us goop never have I ever watched a single Gwyneth Paltrow movie and not thought to myself wow I can tell you're acting right now like yeah that's interesting I've never honestly I've never I've never felt that way about her but I've also I guess you could say I've always been indifferent to her in film never once I've been like wow that Gwyneth Paltrow sure can act her way out of anything but I've never thought of her as a bad actress though as you so clearly if I can tell that somebody is like if I'm taken out of what I'm watching because I feel like I'm watching somebody act unless it's comedic and

supposed to be like I'm acting right now like in a I think you should leave leave yeah unless it's something like that where it's like overacting yeah supposed to be up yeah you're a bad actor you think about a TV show like Dave no that's real you can't even think about it you literally just feel like you're watching like a vlog or something if I'm watching something and I can tell you're acting it takes you out of it you have a shitty fucking British accent which she does by the way every time she tries to do a British accent I immediately I'm like how did what no stop so anyway fuck pepper pots Iron Man

3 that's the subtitle Iron Man 3 fuck pepper pot that's also the year also right and I just want to say going on with acting as a content creator you could say the same thing what you just said you can apply that same philosophy to editing usually well editing in film YouTube is different but editing in film should also be unnoticeable invisible that was what they kept teaching us in film school and it makes up like the more you think about the more it makes sense you notice when an edits weird and awkward and where there are jump cuts you point them out to me all the time at TV and film you're

like wait pause rewind yeah that was weird what happened and you know it's funny Martin Scorsese does a lot of that like often intentionally but like you'll notice that like shots don't exactly match an actor is like they're eating spaghetti in one shot and then but like when they reverse the camera though they're sipping wine and it's like wait a minute that's not what that part and Martin Scorsese like he doesn't care he's like no it's all about like the acting the storytelling but there are a lot of inconsistencies in his movies good editing should be invisible and sometimes you have to know the rules to

break them thanks Jack that was film school how much money did you pay for that degree okay any who let's Jack's like I didn't pay nothing my parents paid for it some a spoiled little nepotistic bitch yeah that's a fun word meanwhile I literally just paid off my last student loan payment like literally last month I graduated college I didn't know that you finished paying off your student loans yeah congrats thank you that's huge I graduated and you're what 23 right that's great I graduated college in 2009 I genuinely did not know you just finished paying off your student loans I did yes that's worth

celebrating drink up have some skunked wine have some skunky wine Ironman 3 here's the official plot please don't interrupt me this is all very important plagued with worry and insomnia since saving New York from destruction Tony Stark is more dependent on the suits that give him his Ironman persona so much so that every aspect of his life is affected including his relationship with Pepper Potts after a malevolent enemy known as the Mandarin Ben Kingsley reduces his personal world to rebel Tony must rely solely on instinct and ingenuity to avenge his losses and protect the people he loves runtime

two hours ten minutes it's funny Ben Kingsley like always plays the bad guy yeah what except he's Gandhi well because you are you can't do that's a whole other podcast but no he does he absolutely like yeah he frequently he frequently does what must that be like to live a life like waking up and you look in the mirror and you're like people think I'm bad probably really fun people just look at me and think I'm bad no that would be like how are you well here's the deal here's the deal with Ben Kingsley and this movie but a few things I think one first and foremost I think nothing is more fun in acting than

playing the bad guy like come on the good guy is boring playing back hamming it up and boy does he hamm it up in in this movie gotta be super fun from an acting perspective to specifically to this movie I won't spoil it for you I'm sure of you I mean like it's a what's an eight-year-old movie but there's a really cool twist and a turn leading up to the release of this movie the hype was huge all the trailers the trailers really like made him out to be like this big mysterious threat he would narrate he's like mr. stark I've been watching it's like black and white grainy footage kind of like terrorist vibes and you're like

ooh who's this Mandarin when you watch the movie and the twist happens he's Edward Snowden he's holy shit that's exactly right next movie ah Aaron yes I think you've seen this okay released in 2012 one year prior to Iron Man 3 going a little out of order here Marvel's The Avengers can tell me what happens I've never seen that movie you've never seen The Avengers no I 've seen an Avengers movie but not The Avengers I saw some Avengers movie yeah with you we'll get to that one yeah like 2015 or something we'll get to that one you never saw the original one well I would love to hear your guess onto what

The Avengers is about who's in it who's the baddie and who are the goodies name some of the Avengers that fight against the baddie and also name the baddie I actually probably know more Avengers than you think I do let's hear it should I name their characters or should I name whatever you're comfortable with you can do a mishmash if you don't know a character name the actor if you don't know the actor name the character vice versa all right Chris Evans is Captain America yes Chris Hemsworth as Thor yes Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man who is Spider-Man an Avenger don't tell me no he's not no Scarlett Johansson

Black Widow very nice very good Jeremy Renner Hawkeye very good and I should mention did you know this Scarlett Johansson's Black Widow makes her debut in Iron Man 2 something that the synopsis neglected to mention and something that I forgot to tell you I don't care about well I set you up for that okay so anyone okay how many am I missing how many are you miss oh there is at least one that I can think of big guy Hulk Mark Ruffalo there you go the Hulk very good oh and there's there's also this guy I'm covering one of my eyes listeners with my hand Blackbeard

Blackbeard the Avenger that's correct oh Samuel L. Jackson that's right I thought he was like their coach yeah he's not an Avenger no no but he is like he's like the column the coach he models the way he's their leader yeah I just wanted to like see if you knew that he was in it or like knew him what's his name his name is left eye his name is right eye his name is one eye I almost said patch Adams patch Adams oh my gosh she comes full circle oh my god you don't know his name I almost said Nick Cage that's not right it's what I know it's Nick oh my god what's his fucking name I literally have to look oh my god Nick Nick Krull

oh my god Nick a Lodian Nick at night Nick them in the bud Nick knack Patty whack Nick a doodle dandy Nick Jesus Christ Nick Fury you're so bad at this I forgot your name you need to be the expert in the room I don't know about that yeah yeah so yeah he plays Nick Fury okay did I get all them I think you did I honestly I think you got all the good guys who's the bad guy who's the baddie in the Avengers 2012 and you do know this yeah good job dude I'm a Swiftie forever okay I will never forget the season that was Tom Hiddleston and the I heart TS okay that was an epic July 4th party that we all

got to see on all the covers of magazines and Instagram sorry I'm still mad at myself for not getting Nick Fury that's that's embarrassing we're all mad at you for that do you want to try to so you know here's the here's the basis of the movie plot Loki steals the time crystal okay and tries to go back in time to stop the bubonic plague from happening well okay and it sounds like it's a good thing but it's actually a bad thing because the world population is is too much and we need to reduce the world population so Loki who is brothers with Thor which you didn't think I knew did ya did ya no I'd be disappointed if

you didn't know that did ya yeah and Loki steals the time crystal from Thor because Thor got it because he actually had sex with Black Widow and the Black Widow was the timekeeper she was the timekeeper and then he was like like it's kind of like the ring from Lord of the Rings like once you see it you're like ah that's mine oh wow you're going full nerd I love it Thor stole the time crystal after their one night stand and he ditched her and she woke up and she was like damn it not only did he like ditch me but also he took my time crystal and then he was like hey it's my time crystal and then Loki stole the time crystal from him

and he was like oh Thor is such a dumbass he's too big to have an actual brain he's gonna go back in time and stop the bubonic plague from happening because he is chaotic yes and so like like he's like I don't know bubonic plague here because what happened was that actually in his past life he died from the bubonic plague and so he was like we're gonna stop that right now these are this is a very long three sentences so he actually eradicated the world of rats and fast forward to today he still has that time crystal but there are no more rats in our backyard and okay this is wish fulfillment this is your wish fulfillment

plot summary this is what you wish would happen is what happened in the original Avengers it was so good I'm pretty sure got like a 90% like we eradicated the world of rats it was awesome you know it was awesome no more car damage I will say I'm a little disappointed at how close you are with the time crystal let me read you the plot synopsis and you're gonna you're gonna ooh ooh you're gonna scream like a night time crystal here's the official synopsis when Thor's evil brother Loki gains access to the unlimited power of the energy cube called the tesseract yeah what does it do does it make you jump time it doesn't

make you jump time it makes you teleport you can travel through time dimensions time it's basically a portal it's a time it's not a time machine that's actually a different well we'll get there it's a different what some would call infinity stone so I win I got it right Nick Fury director of shield initiates a superhero recruitment effort to defeat the unprecedented threat to earth joining fury's dream team are Iron Man Captain America the Hulk Thor the Black Widow and Hawkeye you got all the goodies you even got the baddie and you even nailed the MacGuffin which is it's not like a time crystal but it's close it's

a tesseract for all intents and purposes the same thing so what's my prize your prize is an A plus and a big kiss for me ew it's like an anti-prize cocked again all right I want to do another movie that I know you've seen because we saw it together in theaters are you ready honey this is a film we saw in theaters in the year of our Lord 2015 as you can guess it is titled marvels the Avengers age of Ultron what happens in the movie that you saw with me six years ago in theaters go wait can you remind me this is not the one no that was Thor okay I can't remind you this is cheating I

don't remember seeing well okay this is this is literally all I remember from that movie okay please bow and arrow dude lives in the middle of nowhere and we sought refuge in his house with his normal wife and I can't remember if there were normal kids or not oh oh oh and Thor magically goes back in time to like his dad or like other Greek gods or something and I remember just being like what the fuck is happening where does this come from what is that what is like I don't who are these people that's all I remember oh and the wife bow and arrow dude his wife was played by the girl from freaks and geeks Linda Cardellini who

is now also in the Netflix show dead to me that's what I remember so here's the plot of that movie hit me oh oh oh I remember also she remembers everything there was a oh crap um I also remember thinking the Black Widow had no actual powers like I was like what is your purpose here what are we doing at least the bow and arrow guy is good with the bow and arrow what are you good at speedy lady no she was a witch she's a witch good save good say it's a witch and she had a brother she had a brother who was a speedy lady did have a brother and and and and and and um um he was very oh he died he died and this is very good she

did not die she did not die in fact I feel like she switched sides or something uh-huh go on trust her it was Scarlett witch and she was played by not Ashley or Mary Kate Olson but Elizabeth Olson right who used to actually date Tom Hiddleston in real life oh I didn't know that that's now she's married to somebody else so she's off the market and they were a band of brothers those Avengers and they sought refuge in the middle of nowhere from the scarlet witch and the speedy boy and can you remember any other villains in fact there was a big bad yeah the Hulk the Hulk was a bad guy the Hulk couldn't knock out and

Hulk caused a lot of damage to not only physical damage but emotional damage that's right his friends were all very upset because like Hulk couldn't hulk it in you know what I mean I need you to I need you to hulk that shit back home get reigned it and hulk it in buddy and and and he couldn't do that and so like that's right that did happen so that happened and anything else any other villains though there's like a big villain in that movie in fact I even said his name in the title of the movie Ultron I don't remember Ultron Ultron was a robot I don't remember Ultron you don't remember the robot nope I remember Scarlet witch

because she could cast spells on people yeah she could and she would like hypnotize them and shit mm-hmm and then I remember speedy boy that's right and they were like twins they were like Russian twins or something yeah yeah I think that's they were some Eastern European Eastern European twins and Scarlett Johansson is also pretty worthless like not as worthless as Gwyneth Paltrow but she's pretty worthless she also always immediately takes me out of a movie like I always know when she's acting she has one super power though when she lands she lands she wears leather and it bends it bends when when she

wears leather yeah that's a super power it's hard to do yeah I think that was the plot I don't even want to read you the plot because you kind of nailed like everything I actually remembered more than I thought I would so fuck you I'm very impressed and fuck you too I'm not even gonna read this because you nailed basically everything the reason the team I believe if memory serves the reason the team hides away at Hawkeyes and Wife's place in the middle of nowhere isn't to get away from Scarlet witch I think it's really to get away from Ultron because they're off the grid and

Ultron hacks into like the internet he's everywhere at once so they're like let's go to the middle of nowhere in this cabin where we can like you know regroup and focus our synergy and really focus on our teamwork and friendship can we talk about how we actually need to work on the Avengers and their skills because they've got Captain America who can like fly and is like an actual freak of nature and we've got Thor who is also actual freak of nature who's like a mythological literal god like god and then we have a guy that is like Katniss from the Hunger Games I don't I don't like no I saw the Hunger Games I get it I pick the other guy like I just because that guy volunteered his tribute does not make him a superhero oh and then

we got Iron Man that's guys fucked made of like bionic fluid and shit like you want that guy on your team but then you have Black Widow what are you doing here you can ride a motorcycle she can do a backflip sometimes what could you do what what are you doing here what are you actually accomplish like I need skills I need skills help me understand what you do like I just think we could have done better it's quite the hodgepodge when it comes to the team companionship you know what we could have done what's that so we could have held a mirror in front of the Scarlet Witch when she tried to hypnotize us and then she would hypnotize herself and then we could hypnotize her I'm a deuceal scenario and then yeah and then we could have

hypnotized her to be part of the Avengers and then we actually have an actual superhero Avenger and we kick Black Widow and we're like hey Black Widow go hang out with Speedy dude dude pales in comparison well to their credit they do buy the movie's end switch sides and help the Avengers fight the evil Ultron and his age but the goal is that we need to get rid of Black Widow like well I have good news for you she definitely dies I she does not in that movie but yes Black Widow dies she dies in a movie that I won't grill you about because um you haven't seen it but wait but they just came out with the Black Widow movie oh we're gonna talk we're gonna she's like suing Disney because of this Black Widow is that why she's so pissed because she's like this is my

last payday I'm ever gonna get I mean I think that's partially like her last movie that she's supposed to be in we're gonna talk about that later in a follow-up okay for tonight um after this okay and before horoscopes okay out of the rest of these movies there are three that I know you've seen then I want to give you a choice I've seen three additional Marvel universe movies yes you have okay one of them has to be spider-man because you know I love Tom Holland in fact two of them are spider-man Tom Holland yeah and one is Thor Ragnarok I have seen that one I want to give you the choice this is because I feel like I've tortured you long enough I'll name them for you which film would you like to give the the final plot summary for Thor Ragnarok or Spider-Man Homecoming

or Spider-Man Far From Home so I saw Thor on an airplane to Hawaii I'm pretty sure they were serving me free my ties and wine that makes any movie better I don't remember a whole lot about it except for that delightful little character played by that New Zealand was it taika watiti or wait yeah um that yeah taika watiti that's all I remember from it the other two spider men movies that's grammatically correct that's what you call them um the spider man I saw at home in the comfort of my living room yes you did I would like to describe the plot of spider man homecoming I thought I thought as much because I believe you fell asleep during Spider-Man Far From Home why must you out me like that because it's fun so tell me honey what happens I don't fall asleep

during that many movies only bad well only this quiz would prove otherwise I know only Marvel movies and bad movies but really mostly Marvel movies what the hell happens in 2017's Spider-Man Homecoming so in 2017's Spider-Man Homecoming yes what happened was Tom Holland has extra Spidey senses okay and he gets this weird level of like not only like physical changes but like mental changes oh yeah he starts to be able to like sense things that don't make a ton of sense to him at the time but like he's like I know that this is real I know this is true and so he has this overwhelming energy in his head and he's like I need to be with my one true love and he shows up at my front door and he has a ring in hand and it just so happens to be the ring that I have

always dreamed of I actually what's weird about we remember this movie so different yeah it was weird is that it was like actually like manifested by me on like a Pinterest page oh wow do you make a vision board yeah I made a vision board and like he just shows up with this ring and he's like listen I know I don't know you and I know that you don't know me but you need to trust me I have Spidey senses let me show you and he does some like stuff around like the front yard he's like look see I'm like part spider it's wild but also I have ESP and I can predict the future and I get like weird vibrations inside me and I was drawn to you and I need you to be my wife he's like do you want weird vibrations in you and I was like oh my god I've been having this same dream for three

years now that this exact thing would happen of course I will what's your name again and he's like my name's Tom I'm British and I'm like oh my gosh he just gives up his secret identity just like that oh yeah oh yeah it was it it's so cool it's so cool and um and then we lived happily ever after and then the next movie the sequel we go to Abu Dhabi but like oh my god this one he doesn't I don't get jilted at the altar we right it's much better happily ever after and um I get to be with not only a man of my dreams but because literally I've been having dreams about him every day for a year three years I don't know I've been having dreams about him for years but also he is part spider I mean I guess you kind of got that part right the end they lived happily ever after I'm not even

going to bother reading the the actual plot summary because it's just it's it's not it's not nearly as fun as your lovely your lovely fantasy movie also if you guys haven't seen the Tom Holland lip sync battle oh my god you're so obsessed with this umbrella sequence please go on YouTube everyone's seen it they've all seen it look up Tom Holland lip sync battle uh singing in the rain you're welcome so the takeaway from this little segment is you fall asleep during all the good marvel movies listen a girl boss needs her rest okay that's right you know a girl boss can only spend so many hours of the day girl bossing I get that honey yes do you think it's time for my favorite recurring segment horoscopes only if I get to

hold the time crystal this time you haven't been good but because I'm a giver I will let you hold the time crystal thank you of course ladies and gents we are still in Leo season and with Leo season we are going to celebrate by reading Leo's horoscope first and foremost Leo what day is it again August 9th damn this Leo season is really dragging on anyway okay where was I oh yes Leo season ugh why'd you have to remind me I've already made it clear that I think this season is dragging on we're in the real cat days of summer now get it because Leo's a lion and a lion is a cat and usually the saying is dog days of summer well whatever I thought it was clever okay anyway where was I shit damn Leo season I get it stop harassing me already we get it it's effing Leo

season stop rubbing it in if you're not careful I'm going to call the popo on your ass and then you'll be sorry wow way to go now you've all gone and made me waste all the a lot of time talking about stuff and we didn't even have a chance to wish Anna Kendrick from pitch perfect pitch perfect two and pitch perfect three a happy birthday just for that everyone listening to this needs to watch twilight tonight in her honor or else a lion is going to escape from the closest zoo and eat you in the middle of the night like that time of rhino came out of nowhere and gobbled up James's parents in James and the giant peach I was there I saw it happen and it'll happen to you too also you can still Venmo us at Leo's our back and back for good we're to begin we're to begin with that one

wow christ almighty shit happy birthday Anna Kendrick happy birthday Anna Kendrick dedicating this podcast an all future podcast to you well no just this one it's august night all future podcast it's august night can we get Anna Kendrick on the on the show next week thank you guys that'd be great that'd be great Virgo you will receive a fateful phone call today it's from your dear aunt gummy and she just found out about tinder this conversation will be fun for a short while and your aunt gummy will crack fun jokes like which way do I swipe to make him marry me but then it will get awkward about 10 minutes in when your aunt gummy says so which way do I swipe to make him marry me and your dear aunt gummy makes this joke a third time well let's just

say the mood will shift to an indescribable sadness aunt gummy you have to let uncle bum bum go rip oh no uncle bum bum's not dead oh he's not he just left her for oh so I didn't know I didn't know which way to take it a much younger woman I the vessel did not add rip that was purely happens to work at the local grocery store so every single time oh aunt gummy has to eat how embarrassing she bumps into her past her past it's horrible that is horrible that is a hell that's a certain kind of hell I don't blame her for wanting tinder to be a mail order it's an escape yeah that's why I have a tinder I love it same same you too yes you get yeah yeah yeah Libra channel your inner girl boss Libra because the opportunity of a lifetime

is coming your way this week you will receive a random DM from someone you met one time embrace this connection because this is the opportunity of a lifetime this person will tell you how you can be a girl boss of your own company selling a miracle essential oils that are proven to cure irritable bowel syndrome dandruff leprosy hang nails halitosis scabies cast spells on your bullies body odor and the delta variant wow this is the opportunity of a lifetime all you have to do you spend a few thousand dollars per month and then recruit every person you've ever met in your entire life to also join the company you'll be out earning Jeffrey Bezos in no time wow this is an opportunity of a lifetime lucky you lucky you sounds like really sound gosh and sage business

advice so if what I'm hearing you say yeah Libra yeah going to win the lottery and then some I think they're going to win a thousand lotteries holy crap for only a few thousand dollars a month that's nothing that's a steal that is a steal I mean hey you got to spend something to make something what what yeah spend something to make something yeah spend something to make my thing what honey I told you that wine was skunked why did you keep drinking it I told you this you never listen oh my gosh what if it actually increased the alcohol percentage and that was why you went on that rant and another thing about Thanos you know he he's interesting and I'll tell you what apparently Scorpio you have a weirdly strong chemistry with whatever zodiac sign was

before this one I don't know I wasn't listening but yeah you guys should bone yeah you guys should bone you guys should bone until you have like 10 babies and then you should name them all Kyle but spelled different ways imagine how fun it will be when you introduce one of your kids is Kyle with a Q and shit ha ha ha oh wait Jeffrey Bezos left holy fuck y'all nasty also I'm kind of into the Kyle with a Q oh are you yeah especially because it's Q you know what I mean wink wink don't why would you say that wink wink why would you say that we're E for Aaron we're allowed to do whatever we want on this podcast right oh my god by the way no no no no it was a joke it was a joke slash s slash thank yeah big slash s okay it was a joke Q was bad just so imagine a cube but with a

frowny face on the inside inside Sagittarius hope you enjoyed your time in Ibiza Sagittarius because it'll be the last time you go anywhere for a long long time remember that ground pizza that you wait and then turned into a clout chasing opportunity yeah well because you are engaging in such risky behavior the government is worried you may have created a new type of novel virus and now you're on the no fly list and strict quarantine for the rest of 2021 damn hope the ad sense was worth it you know that that that damn ground pizza is haunting it really is haunting those Sagittarius idiots I think where Sagittarius really fucked up was where they used their own just like character flaws sure of being hungry it's their own downfall you could say that they used it as a clout chasing

opportunity and I think that's where I think that's where karma really nipped them in the but that uh that chick that looked the toilet seat total Sagittarius on the airplane Sagittarius hey she got her clout she got her fame but at what cost oh right COVID oh right COVID but that came after she got a bunch of other shit from the toilet right uh hey Sagittarius lay off the ground pizza not good for you for you for you Capricorn before I read this next horoscope and let me just say it is a doozy I'd like to make an announcement please my husband doesn't know this oh but yesterday I purchased a fourth dog honey thank you amazon and Jeffrey Bezos oh no she is a toy american Eskimo she weighs five pounds and she doesn't really quote bark so much as she quote screams uh-huh she

has frequent night terrors and must always be touching a human her favorite color is blue and she has an irrational fear of all furniture and anyone over 40 okay that's good she'll stay away from me in just a few years I haven't named her yet but I'm torn between gum drop and Bezos which means kisses and espanol I didn't know that just like Jeffrey Jeffrey kisses she's still in the box but I made sure to poke lots of air holes and give her loads of her favorite food string cheese anyway here's your horoscope it's time for a haircut oh cool good to know good to know thanks Capricorn I'm leaning towards Bezos oh yeah you don't like gum drop so much I like kisses and espanol I think Bezos is a beautiful name for our fourth uh five pound dog Jeffrey kisses

Jeffrey kisses Aquarius yo Aquarius I've got some bad news the test results are in and yo mama is real dumb yo mama is so dumb that when I tried to channel her horoscope she asked me if I can make it look like Kanye West and I was like wait what what do you mean and she and she said yeah you know where there's like a 3d image and it looks like the real thing and I was like OMG you idiot that's a hologram and she was like oh and remember when I said there was bad news yeah we gotta put your mom down because she was such a stupid dumb dumb at least you only got hapertines though am I right oh that's tragic that's tragic is it tragic when your horoscope is your mother's obituary dressed as

a yo mama joke that's pretty tragic that's a devastating way to find out about two things a your mom's death and b she wasn't that intelligent that's like bad news and worse news I'm so sorry out there guys but that them's the ropes them's the horoscopes at slash holograms less I I really like the what what are you doing that was awesome because I didn't know where it was going either oh good job vessel before you is a long hallway dimly lit on your left is a door marked crab on your right is a door marked not crab to enter the door on your left turn to page 124 to enter the door on your right turn to page 48 oh I love a chooser on adventure okay all right I'll think about that I'll think about I'm going toward crab as a cancer myself sure

naturally cancer the crab I think that's predictable I'm going to crab that's all I'm curious what's behind door marked not crab like what what does that mean I don't know you may never find out stupid because I'm going to crab you're going to crab final answer page 128 124 yeah okay we'll have to buy that goose bumps book when it comes out with the sparkly cover the very oh my god remember the sparkly covers of course goose bumps art is greater than goose bumps books Aries you're in for a tough one today Aries as the universe is about to make you have an unsettling encounter with Uranus ew get your mind out of the gutter Uranus the butthole not the planet as if I I never let you encounter that dumpster fire of a planet preparation H will be key this week

lovely shifting of expectations also Uranus is a stupid dumb gas planet you can't even land on it in your Bezos spaceship so who cares I know it's a dumpster fire that's what like even a literal fire if the gods who are like appreciative and grateful for all beings and planets and all that if they are saying that Uranus is a dumpster fire then they mean Uranus is a dumpster fire of a planet don't not listen to the gods yeah they know what they're talking about you're gonna ignore them ochre butthole butthole porous unlike I recommended you enter the door marked not crab on the other side you see a gathering of people wait no that's not right they're shaped like people but their skin is wriggling around like jello oh my god it suddenly hits you these aren't

people at all they're crabs wearing human suits oh my god masquerading as people one of the quote unquote humans turns to you and yells hello fellow human we are not to go back the way you came turn to page 22 to stay in the room and see how this weird crab shit plays out turn to page 580 oh I'm seeing how this shit plays out yeah I kind of want to turn to page 582 I'm going to page 580 yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah though if if this were a real goosebumps book yeah trust when I say the last page in the book is 580 and like oh the crabs then approach you and eat you and they put their pinchers in you and they suck out all your like that's how like goosebumps usually that is yeah that is like if you like approach danger yeah it always ended in like

like literally a paragraph yes it was like super short super short like oh I died and you could tell before you even read the text if it was super short you're like oh I guess I died yeah yeah those are the those are good way to cheat too if you're like because you would like yeah you'd hold your place with your fingers and you'd flip to page 580 be like oh never mind I died there jemini jemini jemini jemini we meet again which of your two faces did you bring with you today the back stabbing fat shaming side or the front stabbing fat shaming side yeah yeah we all know how your chaotic evil mind works I suggest finding a good hiding place jemini because Aries is having a tough time with their you know what and they are not happy about it so seeing your face is going

to send them over the edge I'd suggest you carry preparation H with you at all times in case you have a run in oh and make sure to report Sagittarius to the popo if you see them out and about they are under strict quarantine orders and we know that little rascal loves to bend and break the rules oh and make sure to avoid Libra at all costs because they're definitely going to try to swindle you into joining an MLM scheme oh and would you make sure to wish Anna Kendrick a happy birthday this year you forgot last year and she was pretty pissed okay that's all good luck godspeed and eat shit you two-faced fat shaming bitch a very vengeful god must have written that one about I think they used to date a jemini and

it didn't go well oh gotcha that that explains a lot I'm not sure but a friend of a friend told me that maybe there was some fat shaming involved and now that's like universally applied and that's their trait yeah I just vessel yep yeah yeah I don't know oh I ain't blaming the messenger I just vessel cancer you stay in the room to see how this weird crab shit plays out okay hello fellow human you yell back how do you do the crab people surround you murmuring approvingly in their crab language one tries to high five you but its arm being made entirely of crabs falls off tell me you are not crab without telling me you are not crab it yells before you can answer you wake up you're back in your bedroom your body cold with sweat you turn over to see aunt

gummy facing you oh uncle bum bum she coos this goose bumps book sucks what a weird note to go out on cancers I don't know what that means well I guess the good news is is that it was all the dream but also I know in my heart of hearts that my crab people their arms would not be made of crabs their arms would be actual crab arms and that's what I know in my heart of hearts and that's how I know that that's just a nightmare and and and not a dream the dream is that all crabs be united and all cancers be united at the end I just don't think you're picturing it right I think it's literally just like a human suit stuffed with crabs yeah I don't think it would be like that have you ever seen a soft shell crab its shell is so soft it's very malleable

it can mold to the human suit so I don't think it would need to be made of a bunch of crabs it would be one giant crab that is moldable to the human form I just don't see it yeah agree to disagree honey no I'm pretty sure I'm a doctor after all so I've seen this shit only in title and brain no and life no and spirit an energy and soul and song and song and song well that about wraps up our episode of Eren is the doctor funny one or whatever this cursed episode is Dr. Eren is here in in the house Dr. Eren is in the house I will not I refuse that is what this episode is called thank you all for joining us let me know if you want to subscribe to tier 77 of my patreon where we cut off jack films's nose and tongue let me know also if you're interested in my feet picks a patreon

level one for the low price of 50 dollars yeah it just very very few dollars very few dollars considering what you're getting come on guys also thank you for tuning in this week with love for you guys to join our party next week please and can't wait to hear from you guys on twitter again let us know everything no me I am the one that interacts with people you just read and keep scrolling I'm the one that at least presses the like button because I love when people interact with me thanks again guys please tune in next week we are going to have incel andy on as a guest host oh lord yeah and Klondike is going to be our celebrity guest fantastic we're going to see if we can get her yeah she just says like a game we're going to have her play heads up with incel andy

it's going to be wild tune in thank you so much for coming to our party this week this week was like a little bit of a chill hang I'd say it was like a movie night that's what I was a movie we had a movie night party we did without watching the movie but next week it's gonna get wild because we're gonna play heads up with Klondike and incel andy oh I can't wait to see how this plays out godspeed be good thanks so much till next time