Erin is the Funny One - Alex Jones or the Onion

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

Jack “Elden Ring” Douglass and Erin “Stardew Valley” Breslin kick things off this week by popping open a bottle of Jack’s favorite wine before diving into quite the quiz…are the quotes Erin reads Alex Jones quotes, or articles from the Onion? This is going to go great! Erin is the Funny One is Sponsored by: NordVPN. Visit NordVPN.com/ERIN for a huge discount off your NordVPN plan, 1 additional month for free, and a bonus gift. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Hi. Welcome back to a new episode of Aaron is the funny one. As always, I'm Jack. Hi. Did you grow a speech impediment or something overnight? Like what happened? What just happened there? I'm just my brain's firing the one cylinder it has slowly. Yikes. So yeah. It's supply chain issues. A little bit.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're all in this together. Thank you. I like the solidarity. Yes.

How are you doing? I'm fine. I haven't seen you all day. I know we haven't even, we barely actually seen each other like all week. You see Jack film here has got himself, you know, he's got a spell of the elder scrolls or something. So close. And he tried to play it on his laptop, but unfortunately the game was just too powerful.

It's too powerful. The, the magic that was contained in the scrolls was too powerful. And so he had to, he has to play it on his, his computer, his big mega computer in the other room. I feel like a cave troll playing this game because I can't like, I can't join, you know, our 18 dogs or my lovely wife. I'm just stuck in this, this hobbit hole playing this fucking PC game that gosh darn it. It has put a spell on me. I haven't enjoyed or played a game like this in forever.

And the downside is it's all I can think of. Yeah. Now the downside is like, you know, it eats up a lot of time, a time away from my family. And so is it worth it, Jack? It is. It's 100% worth it. It's the most fun I've had in, you know, my life. Wow. Wow. Oh yeah.

But so here's the shitty thing. Yeah. Cause like each night in the evening, we both wrap up our work days. We want to unwind. Erin has to play her Elden Ring, which is called Stardew Valley. And she gets to play it on the big screen on this, on the, via the switch on the big old TV. I don't have that luxury. Okay. I got to play my Elden Ring on Steam on my PC. So I had the bright idea the other day, I thought, Hey, I have a laptop and that laptop has steam. Why I could download Elden Ring on the laptop and that way be in the same room

as my wife and three dogs. Yeah. No, we already went over this. It's like a PowerPoint. No, it's like a PowerPoint presentation. What is? Elden Ring. It like runs like a PowerPoint presentation with the slow frame rate. I thought the repeating of just facts that we've already gone over. I thought that was your PowerPoint presentation. Fuck you.

Basically. Just saying. So, so back in the hobbit whole I go. So bad news for you though. So I entered into Stardew Valley season and I call it season cause it's the season when we, we were in full on COVID season. So we were like, well, we don't, our friends were literally like, we don't really want to go out to restaurants cause we don't want to get COVID. And we were like, okay. And it was like, we didn't really necessarily want to go to the gym as much because like we didn't want to get COVID. And so then we just kind

of like kind of bunkered down until the COVID went away. But COVID season, I don't know if you heard, but COVID is cured. Oh my God, we did it. Yeah. LA County, no shit, get this. I was on the CDC website cause my, my work follows the CDC, like basically they're like, what the CDC says, that's what we're following regardless of like local regulations, right? So the CDC has this thing where they like track counties, they give you a like red, yellow, green, or whatever. I don't know. I swear to God last week, I checked on like Tuesday and we were red. And Thursday, we

were green. And I was like, one miracle. Miracles don't work like that. Alleluia. Two. It's all made up. Fuck this shit. So anyway, but nobody knows, like nobody knows what to follow or like what the protocol is. No, it's all made up. So we were the only two losers at the gym today with, with our masks on. I know we were those people. Everyone else was like, what the fuck are you doing? I felt like I was like back in middle school, like here, like, oh, my mom says they have to wear my mask. And it's like, no, cause I'm just like, let me own up. I don't want to get COVID. My body is a temple. Leave me alone. Right. It feels, I don't know. Well, and I'm sure we'll get there. It just felt

weird. I don't know, man. It definitely felt weird. Yeah. Anyway, but so COVID season is coming to an end. And thus, start of season is going to come to an end. I mean, it happened before. It also, I'm reaching a point where I'm like, all right, so I have two save files on started valley. This is titillating conversation, but bear with me. I have two save files. One, I have like a ton of cash. I've got an operation going, but here's the thing. If you know, you know, I went the Joja route. That's right. Because I didn't know any better. And now that I got a lot of flak for that too, right? Yeah. Now that I'm involved in the, the culture that is Sardu, I have since learned Joja is not the route. Joja is Bezos, right? It's

right. So I'm like, Oh shit, I got to start over. But that's like my main, I'm almost at 400 hours in that game. You do. Yeah. You do. It tells you. My other game, I have like 25 hours or something, but I'm going the community center route because that's how we're supposed to do it. But so here's the thing. I'm kind of like, I don't know. I'm working on it, but I think I am at a little bit of a like, yeah, yeah, like phasing down point and we'll pick it back up. I pick, you know, I played a bunch last year and then I picked it back up a few months later. Yeah. The seasons, it changes with the seasons. And I got the opposite problem. You're waning. Yeah. So I'm going the other, I just started.

I know you better figure your shit out. I can't, I can't stop now. You better figure your shit out. Can I just say, this is really, if I haven't told you this, I just find this to be incredible. This game Elden Ring is so hard. It's so damn hard that they hide the tutorial. Like they literally hide it away in a hole to find the tutorial. You have to jump into a pit that you think will kill you. And then once you jump in the pit, it's like, all right, press this button to jump. This button to swing your sword. What the fuck? It's amazing. It's like Jesus Christ, even the fucking tutorial can't be straightforward. Just, I'm in awe of the audacity of the game. And that's all I got to say.

Okay. So now that we've covered that, maybe I'll start like a book club with people because I'm probably going to, once I phase out a stardew, I start to just feel really guilty. Like what happens is that over time, I just end up feeling really guilty for sitting on my ass as much. So I know last year I phased into a book season. And so I'll probably phase back into that. I've picked up. You do have your seasons. You go in and out of seasons. I do. I have seasons. You can only keep my attention for so long. Your hobbies. My hobbies. Yeah. Well, that too. That's a whole different story though. But so I just read a book this weekend. And I don't know if you can call it reading

if you listen to the book. Sure. Why not? Absorbing. You absorbed a book. I absorbed a book. So I think I'm about to enter back into my, I restarted my book of the month club. I had taken a few months off. Yeah. So my book should be arriving tomorrow or the next day. Exciting. Yeah. So I don't know. If you guys want to start a book club with me, let me know. I read all the shit that's like, has a ton of marketing money behind it and like people on the internet say to read it. Very impressionable my life. A marketers dream. I know. But anyway, Jack film, please regale us with the tale of this week's wine of the week. Oh my God. I'm so excited about this week's wine of the week.

Somehow 33 episodes into our podcast, we've never come across or reviewed my absolute favorite. I might say it. I think this is my favorite wine in the world. It's a Chardonnay called story point. And it is where we live annoyingly hard to find for some reason, even though it's a California wine. Well, I think it's just a small brand. So sorry, it doesn't have Bezos money behind a Jack and you can't find it in every which way. Honey, this is why I like it. Listen to this back of the label, full bodied with bold notes of rich apple, toasted oak and vanilla. And the vanilla, I think is the boldest note of the three they listed there. I am just obsessed with this wine because it is so hard to find. So whenever

I do find it, I go nuts. Honestly, I'm like a kid in a candy store. Like when we go to like a Ralph Sirivans, what do I do when we go to the wine aisle? You immediately go look for story point. And I nine times out of 10, 99 times out of 100, I can't find it. They don't have it. But man, oh man, it's the itch that I got to scratch. It's like it's this wild goose chase. You are Indiana Jones. And it is the temple of doom. Yeah, I think that's how I think that's how it works. No, not at all. Not at all. I actually looked up story point because I was like, Oh, Jack and I have been talking about how we need vacations, but like we don't like act on it. Yeah, we just like talk about it, but we haven't done everything. We never act on it. Yeah, but I had looked up

story point because I'm like, maybe we could go to like, Oh, you didn't tell me that. Well, yeah, because I'm a great wife and it was going to be a surprise, but I found out that and a girl boss, they actually don't have vineyards. They buy grapes from other places that grow them and then they take them in and the winemaker just like makes the wine. But they didn't have anything on the website about like visiting. So I was like, Oh, I guess, I guess that's not a thing. So sorry. It's okay. Thanks for looking up. That's actually really thoughtful of you, honey. I guess I got to review this wine five out of five. This is, would you really give it a five? Like you're like, this is it to me. This is the one I want to marry. This is my golden standard.

Really? If this were a woman, you would be buried with this wine. Yeah, this is it for you. Like you're like, that's it. I found the one I don't need to look anymore. Right. Just had to take another sip and it's just, it's golden. It's, what is it? Is it the oakiness? Is it that so, not SoCal, but that California oakiness? It does have a very nice distinct taste. I'm in love with it. It's so hard to find. Like we go to a movie theater. I pick. I pick Pasadena and I'm always excited to go there because the bar there always has Story Point Chardonnay. And it's just, it's so freaking, even like the liquor stores and wine stores I go to, they just don't have it. But this freaking movie theater in Pasadena, the bar, they have it.

So it's always a big to do when I can get Aaron to come to a movie with me and make her watch the fucking, you know, Spider-Man movie or whatever. Okay. So out of 128 ratings on the Vivino app, this scored a 4.0 out of five, which is actually higher than average though. Yeah. It's usually three point something, but still says average, average price point 14.99. Once again, proving. So reasonable. So reasonable. But also proving the point that you do not need to spend a lot of money to have a wonderful experience with wine. But I'd pay 30 for it. It's that good. Honestly. Well, Story Point Chardonnay. And story, it's much easier to find the story point. What? Cav? There's a red. Oh, there is a red. I don't remember what it is.

They have that in my local liquor store, but no, you don't want to throw the red out, dump it in the sink and then chuck the bottle as hard as you can into the abyss. Get Story Point Chardonnay, children. Okay. Your taste buds will dance upon your tongue like sun children. Okay. So they offer a chard, a pinot noir and a cab. So like it could be the pinot or the cab. Okay. Yeah. But anyway, it's pretty good. I like it too. What would you give it? What's your Aaron rating? And whatever it is, it's too low. I would give it a seven and a half or an eight out of 10. Not a 10? Not a 10, but I'm not sure a 10 exists. Yeah. There is actually, you know what? Maybe there's

your 10. There's this Chardonnay called Bremer. Sure. That is pretty good too. They literally put like this chemical that whatever it is, it's like literally in butter. It's straight up butter, what you're drinking. We should find that again. It's like 50 bucks a bottle though. Yeah, we can't do it. Like that's not a cool Tuesday night. No, there's a gift for us too. I mean, that's a cool Tuesday night if you're like Bezos, but like, yeah. But I don't have an extra $50 just like willy nilly, you know, use on a Tuesday. So anyway, but Bremer is probably my 10. Okay. Bremer is delicious and nutritious.

That's all wine. But yeah, this, this is, it's very good. It's very like food tasty. So it tastes like croissants. It tastes like marshmallows. It tastes like, imagine like soft pastries. So it's not food based in that like, but it reminds me of eating delicious pastry foods. This. Yes. That's probably why I like it so much. Story point. Cause I don't need a lot of pastries, but man, oh man, maybe this evokes, maybe this evokes memories of pastries. Yeah. I'm brought into like imagery of a bakery and like very soft, fresh baked pastries when I drink this wine. Bakery would be a great name for a wine. Probably already taken. I hope not. I mean, think about all the food named wines. There's like

cake bread. Uh-huh. There's cupcake. Right. There's another cake that I can't think of. Layer cake. Layer cake. Yeah. They love putting that image in your mind, but guys, this is like, this is a French bakery where, but it's not, it's not hoity-toity French. Do you feel very welcome and at home? Like, like if you were to die and go to heaven and you're like surrounded by like just good feelings and good smells and warm woods, everything is like. Warm woods. Well, like woods as in like wood floors, wood wall, everything is, but it's like also this has great indoor sunlight. What a picture you're painting. Oh yeah. Well, and everybody's super friendly. And by the way, all the pastries are like somehow like super cheap, but like delicious

and made on site. Take me to this utopia, honey. Yeah. This is that. And that's why I give it a five out of five. So since we are now in heaven on earth, right? So we're trying to imagine like warm, cuddly, just like a feeling of like, wow, I've never felt like I've belonged anywhere more than right here right now, right? A comfort. A comfort. Well, I tried to imagine that same kind of thought process for what we're going to do today. Is that right? And when I think of comfort, I think screaming white men with bonkers ideas. Oh God. And that is why today, I can't take credit for it. Even though I'm a woman, I would love to take credit for a man's idea. That's illegal. Somebody texted into the hotline and gave me a very fun idea for a quiz

today. So this idea comes to us from Leo. Hey, Leo. And Leo texted into the hotline, which by the way can be texted in and reach that dad hug me 10. Can you call in at that hotline? You can call in. You can leave a voicemail. Leo just so happened to text in. I had spent a considerable amount of time texting some people and having funny exchanges with them. But Leo texted in that he wanted to do a quiz of Alex Jones quotes versus the onion articles. Oh my God. So brilliant, Leo. Today, because we're already in heaven, we are going to explore Alex Jones or the onion. What heaven is this? Okay. So here's the thing is that I didn't know a ton about Alex Jones. We have a friend, Eric Hofstad, aka you can find him on YouTube at comment etiquette. He is so

fucking funny. I think we mentioned him last week too about the tech crews. Sorry, I'm simping so hard for Eric right in front of you. I know, right? If I were to leave you, it would be for him. So I get it. And also same here, Bestie. No, I'm just, I'm not kidding. So anyway, he is really my only exposure to Alex Jones. And I'm pretty sure it was him that like first brought awareness of it to me at least. I think a lot of people. Yeah, I didn't even know about Alex Jones at all. Yeah. And I knew very little. All I knew is that he had a thing about Obama was turning the frogs gay. That's really the extent of which I knew about Alex Jones. And the greatest t-shirt you've ever made, Eric. Yes. And so today in creating this quiz, I learned a little bit more

about Alex Jones. I'm sorry, honey. No one should ever. The way that I've framed this is that I've taken real headlines from the onion. Okay. But I've also took Alex Jones's quotes and turned them into headlines. Oh, interesting. Okay. Okay. So what I'm going, what we're going to do today is I'm going to ask you if you can identify if the headline I'm going to read to you was from the onion or was created by me based on a quote that Alex Jones said. And then we can, I will try to locate the quote of his and I'll read it to you. I love this idea as someone who is an avid fan of Alex Jones. No. Don't go poor to my mouth. Do we need to explain who Alex Jones is? No. Okay. No. He's a conspiracist of sorts. Yeah. Yeah. And radical. Radical. And loud.

Heavily right-leaning. Loud. No, I don't even know. Like, yeah, probably, but it's, it's more than that. It is. It's so much more than that. Like, it's past the spectrum. It's, it honestly is past the spectrum. It's not even about that. Dangerously so. Anymore. Yeah. It's like, yeah. He's infamous for just spewing dangerous nonsense. But we're going to make it fun by comparing it to the onion, which is one of my favorite things. I love the onion. Honestly, I follow the onion on Twitter. I am obsessed with Clickhole. One of their many offshoots. Clickhole was brilliant. I don't know if they still do Clickhole. I hope they do. They have YouTube channels, both for the onion and Clickhole. It's satire done right. I wonder what the corporate

culture is like at the onion. Yeah. I often say, I think to be a writer at the onion or Clickhole, you have to be a genius, but it's probably really, really fun because like, I, when you read an article in the onion or Clickhole, I laugh out loud like a dummy. I was, no, I was so good. So I don't spend a ton of time on the onion. So I'm like trying to create this quiz coming up with like, I have to read about Alex Jones, but then I also have to read the onion and like, okay, what, what did they talk about? I really didn't know a ton about the onion. I just knew it was like fake or whatever. Fake news or whatever. Not harmful. But like satire. Yeah. So I was searching through the headlines. I'd type in a certain word and then I'd search through

like headlines that they had and I was, I found myself straight up laughing out loud. Like I made a mental note like, spend more time on the onion. This is hilarious. Please, please do. They had, you know what? They actually had paper copies of the onion free to take at my college, American University, right in the lobby of my dorm. You could just, whoop. Wow. In our nation's capital, they didn't want to share actual news. They just wanted to share. Oh, they have real news too, but I always took the onion. That's how I got my real news. Wow. And that's why you're so educated. That's right, honey. All right. So where do you want to begin? Do you want to, do you want a freebie? Yeah, you know what? Cause I gave you a freebie last week that you messed up.

So why don't you, just a reminder, that was TGIF. Thank God I'm Fergie. I asked you who tweeted that. You said Adele. The answer was Fergie. I would love a freebie, please. Give me a nice warm-up. Okay. Do you want the answer ahead of time? Do you want an, I'll, okay. All right. See you. We're just fine in that. Okay. All right. All right. Calm down. Stop yelling at me. Oh, this is me calm. You don't want to see me active. By the way, this story point is on point. Okay. Ready? Yeah. First question. Is this an onion headline or based on a quote from Alex Jones? Okay. Justin Bieber found to be cleverly disguised, 51 year old pedophile. I'm going to say the onion, but like if Alex Jones said that, props to you. That's the funniest,

cleverest thing you've ever said. No, that's the onion. Final answer. That is correct. That is the onion. Yeah. Got to read more of the onion too. That was from like 2010 or something, 2011. It was really genius. Yeah. Genius. Back when he was still like an actual child. Yeah. Okay. Is this an onion headline or based off of a quote by Alex Jones? Okay. New study finds nerds to be quote most dangerous and quote demographic because they quote use their brains and quote. Oh man. Okay. This is already, we're starting off hard. Quote, use their brains. New study finds nerds to be most dangerous demographic because they use their brains. I can kind of imagine Alex Jones just like screaming this

and just another like, another, you know, simp towards our friend, our mutual friend, Eric, he does a really good Alex Jones impression. I do think though, fuck, they use their brain. Those nerds are using their brains. Or is that an onion article? Christ. Let's say onion. Onion article. Final answer. No. That is a quote from Alex Jones. I'll read you the quote. Please do. Gotta watch out for nerds. They use their brains. This was a quote from 2013. I'm telling you folks, nerds are one of the most dangerous groups in this country because they end up running things, but they still hate everybody because they weren't jocks in high school. So they played little dirty games on everybody. They use their brains to hurt

people and I'm aware of them. Okay. I see you, you little rats. Oh, what a perfect way to really put a period on that sentence. It sounds like he's jealous. To me, I'm like, I, that man sounds like he's jealous of nerds because they have brains and they use them. And they're damn, you know, powers of thought. Like, oh, that was hard. That was really, really hard. God, if the rest of this quiz is as hard as that, I'm in trouble. All right. Hit me. Wimpy little pistol that angry teen brought to school just makes bullying worse. That's gotta be the onion. That has to be the onion. I can like, yeah, I can imagine the picture and it's just like one of those. It's like a little size of a derringer.

Maybe it's even like flaccid too for like real cartoonish effect. I'm going to say onion. Final answer. That is correct. Yes. Okay. How about this? Yeah. Airport security industry booming and it's all thanks to terrorists. Oh my God. I think it's Alex Jones because as a satirical line, it does make sense actually. It's a pun. I just got the pun booming. Damn it. I think it's Alex Jones. I bet he said that and he was like really proud of himself when he made that pun. I don't think this is onion grade quality, but this certainly is Alex Jones caliber. Be for Alex. Final answer. That is correct. Hey. Oh no, maybe this quiz isn't hard enough. No, I think it is though. I think it is. I have to like really do some mental gymnastics to figure shit out so.

Okay. So this one I don't have a direct quote for. I sadly was on the subreddit. Okay. Wait, there's an Alex Jones subreddit. No, there's an r slash conspiracy subreddit and they had a post that said Alex Jones was right about everything. Oh God. Okay. What are the other things he's been right about? Right. And somebody commented, he was dead right about full body skinners and airports years before we got them. So ridiculous. Yeah. Like, yeah, no shit. Like, it's better than a fucking metal detector. Yeah. Don't pat yourself on the back too hard there, bud. Okay. Study finds average US third grader reading at level of crow. Like an actual crow. Okay. Like an actual crow. As we know, crows are very smart. They can like

use sticks as tools and such and they can like identify objects and bring them back to owners. Can I read it one more time, please? Study finds average US third grader reading at level of crow. I think that's onion because of the way it's worded reading at level of crow. That's funny. I think that's onion. Why? Hold on a second. I created the fake headlines, like the headlines that why would you assume I'm not funny enough to create that? Because I'm not thinking of it as you. I'm thinking of it as Alex. But I created the Alex headlines. Yeah, but you're not funny. What the hell? Naming the podcast Aaron is the funny one was your idea. Yeah, because it was ironic. It's a funny joke because you're not funny. Should we stop the quiz

now? This is the onion and you're just salty because I'm right. Final answer. It is the onion, but I am funny enough to create that headline. Are you? Yes, jerk. Oh, do we have more story points? We listen to this. How about this? I use my teeth for that. Disturbing new study finds American fifth graders only absorbing targeted advertisements at first grade level. Okay. Yeah, that's got to be the onion too because it's because it's funny absorbing a fifth graders absorbing advertisements at a first grade level. That's really funny. I don't think I can't. Here's the thing. I can't imagine Alex Jones saying like, oh, there's fifth graders. Problem with them is they're absorbing ads in the first grade level. It's the onion.

Fuck off. Okay, ready? Thank you. All right. Let me find a better one. He's just not that clever. He's just always screaming about his pills. About his pills? Yeah. What pills? That's the thing. He's always hawking shit on the store. Oh, his own pills. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There were actually some onion headlines related to Alex Jones's pills. When worlds collide. Yes. Beautiful thing. Yes. All right. How about this one? Yeah. Lady Gaga dazzles as she captivates audiences with news of the carbon tax. Lady Gaga dazzles. All right. Now we're getting harder. Okay. Hold on. Where are the problems Lady Gaga? I'm telling you Patriot something. She's dazzling. She's Democrats. God, would that make him angry enough to like say it like? News of the carbon tax.

I'm going to say Alex Jones because I think that's something that would put like, he would rant about Lady Gaga and everything she stands for. 100%. What does she stand for, Jack? Things that he doesn't. Oh, that's super specific. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's all needs to be said, but I'll say more because I'm generous. I can imagine him getting triggered by Lady Gaga. I really can't. And I can imagine him sarcastically saying shit like, Lady Gaga. And things like the carbon tax. Like, man, these people are fucking excited because she's saying like, yeah, I think you're twisting Alex's words a lot to make this article, but it's also like very within his vein. Alex Jones, my final answer, honey, give me the point.

Just Alex Jones. Yeah, let's go. But grudgingly. Yeah, let's go. Do you have the quote there? The full quote and nothing but the quote. Let me fucking find it. So help you, Alex. God damn. By the way, there was so much that I couldn't use because the guy is constantly talking about like the Middle East and so many guns. I'm sure he has a very healthy gun. Oh, he loves the word thug. He talks about, and he says things like he's like, if I were in a, yeah, it's just like gross. It's just gross. I don't know. But that's no consideration. He gets the outrage views though. The worst kind. Oh, is that? I think that's a big part of it. Really? I mean, we're here making a quiz about it. Fair. Well, to be fair, it was Leo's idea.

Leo asked us to do it. Gosh. You're right. All right. 2011. Okay. He said, look, when you realize how fake it all is, the football, the basketball, the lady Gaga, the Justin Bieber. There's no the needed there, sir. You know, who gives you these carbon tax messages? Oh my God. So nuts. No. Yeah. The Justin Bieber. He's sounding like the Iraq such as he's sounding like the, you know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. And I'm trying to like for our listeners, what is that? It was like Miss America. No, it was like Miss USA or something. It was Mario Lopez. That's what it was. Yeah. By the way, guys, if you want, I have, oh, at least, I think it was like 15, but I have a experience with Mario Lopez. I had actually a few people

called into the hotline and they wanted to know how my experience with Frankie Muniz's dad was. Oh, they wanted the tea. They wanted the tea. There was no tea, but I told them about it. But if you guys actually want the tea on my experience with Mario Lopez. Yeah. There's a story there. There's a story there. Let us know in the hotline. What's that hotline again? How do people call in or text me? Dad hug me 10. Okay, here's one. Yeah. Creepy old man. Strong start. Creepy old man. I just thought this was really funny. Creepy old man has book filled with home phone numbers of everyone in town. That's a certified onion. Yeah, it was so funny. That's beautiful. I had to write it down. So I literally laughed out loud. Who would think of that, right? To frame a phone book

as something that it's genius. That's why the onion is just S tier genius and all their offshoots. Any onion writers listening? I know you're not, but God bless you. Please don't ever stop what you're doing. Okay. Alex Jones's primary demographic is families report says. That's gotta be Alex Jones, because if that were an onion article, it's not funny. Wait, how is that not funny? It is effing funny. Excuse me. But it's not onion funny. This is something Alex Jones would proudly tout. Alex Jones is for families report says I pulled a number of proud American patriots and they listen with the families. That's something he would say. That's not something if that were an onion article alone, it's not it's not good enough. It's not funny enough. Alex Jones final answer.

It's Alex Jones. Oh, boy. No, guys, I apologize because I don't see this as Jack's film succeeding. I see this as me failing. So I think I didn't do a good enough job. You did understand it. No, I didn't apparently understanding how onion headlines maybe were crafted or formulated if Jack can detect. Oh, it's not onion funny. So I apologize because I think I fucked up. I don't think you did because I think this is a solid quiz idea that a lot of people would want to hear and take. But you're succeeding because you're winning and we all hate it that you are winning. I love when I win because I never win on the staying show. In 2013, the quote was do you know what goes on at Skull and Bones? I have a family audience,

so I can't say it. That's funnier than anything the onion will ever print. They have sexual rituals. Some of the most ancient Egyptian rituals where they believe they are possessed by entities, basically space aliens. There's a family show. And apparently that was the quote is taken from something that's said that says John Kerry had sex in coffins hundreds of times in satanic ritual. Well, that's true. I thought everyone knew that. Still does, I think. By the way, the subreddit, guys, don't do it. Don't go on the conspiracy subreddit. It's bad. It's worse than my fat shaming post. It is horrible. Everybody's like, Alex Jones is right about everything. We all laugh about Alex Jones. And it's like, no,

it makes me so sad to hear. Yeah. So like, don't do it, guys. Don't do it. Okay. Here's what for you. New government uniforms include cool mustaches and little gold framed glasses. Um, this one's harder. See, pat yourself on the back. I'm not 100% confident in my answer. I'm leaning towards onion, but it doesn't make much sense. I probably need to see the, normally these headlines come with a picture, like a thumbnail of sorts, especially on their Twitter. And the picture adds a lot. And I'm just picturing like the groucho marks, like the Halloween disguise of like, you know, the glasses with the built in nose and mustache, you know, is, is, is that what the onion you, I'm going to say the onion, but I don't think I'm

right. Onion. You are incorrect. Yeah. Okay. That is an Alex Jones special. Please enlighten me. What's, what's, what's the special quote from our special boy? This is from 2012, by the way. All the average feds care about is dressing up in black uniforms and having mustaches and staring at people. I know your mustache is cool. You got little gold framed glasses. You scare me so bad. Ugg, you scum, scum. What's driving me crazy is that photo right there. Zoom in on that. It's one of those cops with a black uniform with a mustache. So he's scared of people. Like, let's just, let's break this down. He's scared of people with mustaches and gold rimmed glasses. I think he was probably saying it like,

you scare me so bad. I think that's probably how he was saying it. Sorry, it doesn't come, the sarcasm doesn't come across via print. Yeah. All the average feds care about is dressing up in black uniforms and having mustaches and staring at people. I know your mustache is cool. You got little gold framed glasses. Gotcha. Okay. You're right. You're right. And that, in that perspective, it's certainly sarcastic. Just real biting satire from Mr. Jones. Love that, Mr. Jones. Is that who that, is that what that counting crow song is about? Anywho, keep going. Prozac sees success as it locks in the number one spot for unnatural deaths. Shit. I think this is, this is hard. I'm going to say Alex Jones. I think this is a little too

dark for the onion. It's not. The onion gets dark, bro. But I think this one in particular is a little too dark for the onion. I think this is Alex Jones sarcastically saying some form of this quote. Like, huh? You know, number one in something, deaths. Like Norm MacDonald would. Like, when he really just punches something at the, at the end of the sentence, like, yeah, number one, number one is something, uh, death. That's something he'd say. It's very Norm. This is in fact an Alex Jones special. There we go. The quote is, this is from 2013 on the Pierce Morgan Tonight show. Oh no. Real meaning of the mind. How about Prozac? The U.S. number one cause of unnatural death is suicide now because they give people suicide mass murder pills.

What? I want to get people off pills that the insert says will make you commit suicide and kill people. I want to blame the real culprit suicide pills, mass murder pills. Oh my God. Why do we give this person a platform? Well, we are giving, we, we are part of the problem. We're part of the problem. We are huge part of the problem. But darn it, Aaron. It's a fun game to play. Is it, is it onion or Alex? It's just, it's an addicting game. This is the most dangerous game we played on the podcast for sure. Oh, it's for sure. This actually is E for explicit. This should be, this episode should be behind a paywall for sure. Absolutely. This is the riskiest I've ever felt. I actually, I don't, I had a lot of reservations about this, but I thought, you know,

if Eric can do it, then maybe we can. Listeners, I don't know. Listeners, shield your, your torches and pitchforks or just having to laugh. Is it shield or sheath? I may have meant sheath. Anywho. I don't know. All right. How about this? Yeah. Government delighted by the successful launch of Justin Bieber's career to distract from uncovering the secrets of the universe. Oh my God. What was that? Congratulations, Aaron. This is your hardest one yet. Because you lulled me in, you lulled me in with the false sense of security with the first Justin Bieber one, the warmup one. That was obvious. But now this is where it gets tricky. I'm, I'm splitting hairs here. Can I hear it one more time, please? Cause right now it could go either

way, but I want to hear it from you one more time. Government delighted by the successful launch of Justin Bieber's career to distract from uncovering the secrets of the universe. Fuck. I'm going to, I'm going to commit. I'm going to commit. I think this is Alex Jones. As we know, and as we've learned, he is a deeply conspiratorial man, loves his conspiracies. He probably is the, he's probably the chief mod of r slash conspiracy. This is something that he could have cooked up 10 years ago and saying like, I already know the deal with Justin Bieber. Yeah. What, you think it just happened? Him and that lady Gaga. They're distracting lip tarts, right?

Does he say that? Yeah. Of course. Distracting the, the, the sleepy left. He says sleepy. No, but I can imagine he does. From the truth of the universe. I, I think this is an Alex Jones original. It is in fact an Alex Jones original. That was hard. That was really hard. He went on this rant in 2011 in the same kind of spiel about Lady Gaga and the carbon tax messages where he, he was trying to say that Magellan is cooler than Justin Bieber. All the kids. And he's like talking about Magellan. He's like Magellan was super cool. And he did so much. Why do you know about more about Justin Bieber than Magellan?

Oh, like as in like they're teaching the wrong figures in schools kind of thing. Yes. Well, he was like, so he's talking about Magellan and how he died. He was killed before they got back to Portugal after he circumnavigated the entire globe and one ship. And he said, when they got back, there was only like 11 people alive out of the 200 or something crew and the entire ship was rotting down to the waterline. That's destiny. That's will. That's striving. That's being a trailblazer and explore going into space, mathematics, quantum mechanics, the secrets of the universe. It's all there. Life is fiery with its beauty. It's incredible detail tuning into it. They want to shatter your mind talking about Justin Bieber. It's pure evil.

Who's they? Who is they? Like there's no like mass conspiracy that's like, oh my God, I love it. There's always, that's the thing with conspiracy enthusiasts. There's always a thing. There's always a bigger, there's always a secret shadowy figure organization of they and they don't know how else to classify it, but it's always they're bad. We're good. We're the inquisitive minds. It's them. That's bad. Oh my God. But they never like specify who they is. Amazing. Anyways, great question. Maybe second guess myself a million times, but I got there. How about this? The secret ingredient in Pepsi is babies, experts say. Oh, shit. Is this the onion doing a silent green joke? Or is this Alex Jones doing an Alex Jones?

This is where the quiz gets hard. And this is where you should pie yourself in the back, honey. That's a great question because I annoyingly can see that's going either way. Is this Alex Jones going, they're putting babies in Pepsi? Or is this the onion's headline? Because if this were an onion headline, I would give it like a four or five out of 10. It's this isn't like top tier, but is the article better than the head? Every now and then the article is better than the headline. The headline like intrigues you. And then you read the article, it's fucking brilliant. Sometimes there is no article. Sometimes like there's, it's just a hyperlink to an article. I've done that many a time. And it's like, okay,

fine. I guess it doesn't justify a whole article or necessitate an entire article. So is this one of those instances where you click on it and the full article is much better than Pepsi has babies in it? Because I think it's a little weak for the onion. It's right on track for Mr. Jones. I'm sad to say. Confident in either choice. I gotta go with my gut. I think it's Alex Jones. What would the onion say? The secret ingredient, I feel like like love or something. I don't know. Experts say, I think this is Alex Jones. Oh, the experts. Oh, shit. You know what? You know what? The experts just throw me off. I'm going to say the onion. I'm going to say the onion because Alex Jones doesn't believe in experts. He thinks all the experts are against him. You know what?

Alex Jones says this, honey. Alex Jones would say that the experts are them. Right? And if you're with them or not with us. No, he's experts. I don't know though, because like, where else does he find his research? The research comes from the experts. I'm really, I gotta say I'm grassmin at straws, honey. I don't know what this one is. I gotta make a choice. Let's commit. Secret to Pepsi is babies. Experts say. The secret ingredient in Pepsi is babies. Experts say. It makes it spicy. Right. Experts? Let's go with the onion. Alex would never, he would never deign to a quote unquote expert. He wouldn't. He's a, he is an expert, Mr. Jones. This is the onion.

He is an expert. This is the onion. You are incorrect. No! You have to remember, I fucking, I authored these headlines. Yeah, more like, shut up. What's, what's the quote? I authored these headlines. I added the experts say because I needed to make them sound legit. That's fucked. It's not fucked. What's the Alex Jones quote for God's sake? What did that terrible man say? Okay. I'm scared to ask. This is from 2015. Okay. I'm just going to read it. It's a little intense. Okay. We'll never be perfect, but my God, we're not going to keep babies alive and harvest their organs. We're not going to sell their parts for women's cosmetics. We're not going to have Pepsi with baby flavoring in it. Oh my God. No, no, we're not. And then later on in 2016,

he claimed that selling baby parts and arresting reporters that expose that. And then he says, heat the hospitals with their bodies. Have the Pepsi taste testing systems be based on fetal tissue, all demonic systems. I have no idea what you just said there. I don't know. I don't think you have any idea what you just said. Oh, but don't worry. He ends it with that's Hillary. Now it makes sense. Okay. Now I get it. Thank you. All right. Any more brain busters? Study finds keeping a gun in the home increases chances of child becoming popular with cool kids. That's an onion baby. I know an onion article when I hear it. Tell me that's the onion. Thank God. All right. You know why? Because that's genuinely funny. Sorry, cool kids. That's great.

That's great. All right. How about this? So dark. Move over Prius. There's a new hybrid in town. Evolution be damned. We've got the latest and greatest pig human mixed breed. I think that's Alex Jones. It's a bit wordy for the onion. Evolution be damned. And this is something, yeah, he would get himself in a tizzy with a man bear pig conspiracy. And I think this is the closest thing to it. This is Alex Jones all the way. This is Alex Jones. There's apparently, but like, this is why people are like, he had some good points. He was right. I guess there was like a, I don't know. There were some things where they like made a pig human. I honestly, I didn't click because I didn't care. No, it does not sound familiar to me. Yeah. I guess he was on Jake

Paul's podcast in 2019 talking about it. They deserve each other. I will say it feels a little like Nostradamus in a way. Don't give them too much credit, honey. No, no, no. Or maybe not Nostradamus. It's like somebody who like literally throws everything. They just throw everything at the wall. To see what sticks. And then people are like, Oh, well, they were right about that. Right. It takes one for a prediction. Yeah. Like fuck, but like, you know what I mean? Uh-huh. I do. Anyway, like there are these, there are these gross. I'm not giving, I'm not saying he's like right. I'm just saying like, well, a broken clock is right twice a day. Have I ever ranted to you about the psychic twins? The one that like describes doesn't one, they like write like

whatever comes into their brain. I don't know anything about them with the exception that like on their website, like they're known as the psychic twins. What's your beef with them? Just the fact that they advertise their skills on their website by like opening with, yeah, we predicted 9-11. Like that's literally one of the things they quote unquote predicted. And it's just incredibly gross. Just like, it's so disgusting. I will say, I know you don't probably believe in psychics at all. Sure don't. But I don't not believe in psychics. And I don't know. I'm way more open minded. Would you like? No, I would. No, that's gross. Right? Like you don't say like, calling us, we predicted this national tragedy. I would

like to think that I wouldn't. You wouldn't. You and I, we have a lot of differences. I know you wouldn't do that. Thank you. That's the nicest thing you've said to me in weeks. And the last nice thing I'll ever say. All right. I have two more for you. Oh, let's go. And the end, the end button is a joke. Okay. So study finds adults over 50 should go get colonoscopy to determine whether aliens are controlling you from the inside. See, I'm not laughing out loud because like that's something Mr. Jones would say. He loves his aliens. He loves. So that's why like anything with the onion involving aliens is super, super hard for this quiz, for the purposes of this quiz. Get your colon checked. You might be inhabited by visitors of the third kind. What's

that? Blank of the third kind? It's third rock from the sun. No, no, no. Oh my God. I think it is. Encounters, that's it. Encounters of the third kind. This is Mr. Jones. Final answer. No, bitch, bitch. You the bitch. I win. I win. Yeah, it's the onion. Onion. Yes. I'm a little, no, I'm saying that like, disapprovingly. I'm a little disappointed. Well, no, we're just mostly disappointed in you. It's fine. It's fine. Okay. Are you ready? Here's your final question. Okay. But before the joke, it's kind of, no, this is the joke. Oh, this is the joke. Okay, ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Globalists. Sorry. Have me a globalist, Alex Jones. Globalist secure deal to make humans jealous, stunted, weak, back-sabbing, gibbering demons.

What's the joke? Is it Mr. Jones all the way? Yes. There's never been a more obvious. There's never been a more Alex Jones thing to say than global. Yeah, like I said, you had me a fucking globalist. Oh, that's, that's awesome. Someone get that man some help. Oh my gosh. Do you think, well, here's the thing. Yeah, do I think he's right about some things? Yeah, he has some good points. No, careful now. I'm just kidding. I know. But I'm saying like, do you think he believes what he says, or is he saying it for the outrage club? That's the thing. I don't know. On part of me thinks, so apparently from what I've read, he had a fucking like cable access TV show or something. He did. And, but yet then he goes on

rants about how people are like, get your brain out of the, you're warped by your TV. And I'm like, bro, these people are watching you on TV. What are you talking about? That's a really good point. That's literally like, I was like reading. I'm like, what? But you have a TV show. You wouldn't have an audience if you listen to what he was saying. He also often references like, look at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself, I am strong. I'm going to resist resistance is Victor. Like it was like, sorry, I don't even know this guy. But I'm like, read, like reading his like quotes. I'm just like, man, this guy is straight up unhinged. Do I think that he believes it? I think that he believes part of it. Okay. But I also think that he really knows that the more

extremist he is, the more he can monetize his niche audience. That's fair. That's also like, yeah, I think it's the same way he criticizes. And by the way, I also like, I hate rich people. So like, well, it's complicated, but I have my own thoughts on the elite and Uber wealthy. But what's interesting is that I think that he will go at extreme lengths to also not become Uber wealthy, but to be rich and powerful, which is a fascinating thing where he's criticizing it. But in the same way, I think he's like, well, I'm a micro person. So this is my, and I don't know anything about him, but like, that's my perspective is that like, he will go to all lengths to make as much money as he can by leveraging his very niche audience and

being as extremist as he can. I don't think he believes everything that he says, but I think that he knows how to play up this audience and monetize it. Yeah, I think he's very good at that. So I think that it's self serving in a way. I don't think it's like, like, I think he plays this role of like, I'm trying to educate people and I don't necessarily think that's actually, like you're not a volunteer, sir. If you actually were like, you'd be doing it for free and you're not, right? It's heavily monetized. Yeah. Anyway, am I, I can't wait to see like, are people going to attack me for these thoughts? No, they're not. No, no, like, this could be very interesting. Like, I'd be like, huh, this is a whole new thing that I've opened up for myself. Honey, I will say

this great quiz. I was thoroughly challenged. I really was. And kudos to you for making me second guess myself more times in 30 minutes. I think you're only like four that like you didn't get. Just because I got, if that, yeah, but like the ones that I got right even were like real real thinkers. I was not sure of myself until I got the okay from you. So can I tell you some of the other ones I had written down from the onion that are just like so funny. Scientists say one day dropping your phone in the toilet could charge it. That's awesome. That's to screw the onion. That's something a 4chan would do to make people drop their phones in toilets. Oh, really? Because they're always like trying to get people to put their phones and their iPhones in the microwave.

That was a whole 4chan thing. They're like, we're going to, and they did, we're going to convince people to charge their iPhone batteries by putting it in the microwave. Oh my God. And there are reports of people doing just that because they saw the 4chan. Oh my God. And then there was another one. Nancy Pelosi introduces landmark legislation to provide aid for struggling personal stock portfolio. Oh my God. That's awesome. That's awesome. I feel like you would talk about Nancy Pelosi. That would have gotten me. Yeah, to be fair, to be fair, I'm not sure I would have gotten that right. Nancy Pelosi. Yeah. Anyway, I would, if anybody knows anybody who works at the onion, I realize I'm so obsessed with like corporate culture, like jobs and stuff like that, but whatever.

If anybody knows anybody, please let me know. I would love to under, like, what's your experience like working at the onion? What's the corporate culture like? Is it a joke? Have you guys been working from home? Are you in the office? Where are you based? I'm just, is it freelance? I don't know. I'm so curious because I think these people are straight up geniuses. They're smart. They have to understand the audience. Like it's, to me, feels like a lot of perfection. Yeah. That's why I admire them so much. Like just every, their headlines are just so masterfully crafted. Honey. Yes. There's something in the winds, in the sands of time. Do you sense and hear that? No, I don't. Oh, anyways, it's horoscope time. Oh, it's still Pisces season. It's still Pisces season.

You know, I may have mentioned this a time or two. What's that? But we have a Pisces in our midst. I don't think you said that ever. In a mischip witch. At this taping, she is not doing well. Oh no. She eats too much grass and she just, then she regrets it. But today we actually, straight up, we bought her a muzzle because Jackfilm is the one that takes her out and apparently he can't control her from not eating the grass. Yeah. And it makes her sick every time and we've spent thousands of dollars on vet bills because of her eating grass. And so here we are again. Here we are. But Pisces season. You know who else is a Pisces? Who else? The hot trainer from Orange Theory. Is that right? Uh-huh. And then, you know, who else is a Pisces? A portion of our listeners.

A portion of our listeners and my mom and dad. So how about that? You don't have any Pisces in your family. I don't, but I forgot your mom and dad were both Pisces. You know, and you also have two nieces that are Pisces. I sure do have two nieces. That's right. So we kind of, we have a lot of love for the Pisces. So you better have been nice to them. Well, I merely am a vessel for the gods. But honey, I have a really humdinger of a, of a horoscope. I want you to recite, but I, I do have some gaps. If you would, could you help me fill some of these gaps, please? I sure, I sure can. Lovely. Thank you. I live to serve. That's what I like to hear. Can you be the first name of your first crush? Kyle. Kyle Hennessey. First grade.

Just, just need Kyle. Okay. And can I get a unit of time, please? Millisecond. That'll do. Can I get a profession? Brick layer. Great, honestly, great profession. They may call them masons, but I prefer brick layer. I have a great joke about brick layers if you want to hear it someday. Someday, but not today. Who is the last person you spoke with on the phone today? First name? My former boss. Just the first name? Chris. Thank you. What's a one word punishment that parents give naughty children? They don't spank them because that's wrong. They slap them across the face real hard. Knock a tooth out. Put that in there. I will. The whole thing. I won't.

What's a, what's a large vehicle? A blimp. Perfect. Can we get a, the title of a family member? So not a name, but just like a, a relation, like a family member relation. A first cousin once removed. No, twice removed. Let's make it spicy. Or should we say father's mistress? No, already wrote it down. Because that's kind of a family member. It's not. It's not familial as first cousin twice removed. Can I get a beverage? Pepsi. The one with all the babies in it? Hey, what's a derogatory name to call someone? Moron. There you go. I used that word in a work setting the other day. Like not advised people, not advised. Can I get a verb? Embarrass.

And one final verb. Dance. Perfect. Let me go through your horoscope, make sure it's all according to plan. Are you ready? I'm ready. Pisces. Pisces. Pisces. This one's, this, this one's a, well, this one's a real doozy. Oh. Folks. And once again, I'd like to borrow from the majesty of rap. Oh. To proclaim this horoscope. Another rap. Shut up and witness me. Okay. My name is Kyle and I'm here to say you're about to have a real heck of a millisecond. Your pet will get sick, but please don't fret. Just take your credit to the nearest brick layer.

You'll meet a real cutie at the gym because every Pam needs her crisp. You'll find 20 bucks lying on the street. Why that kind of luck just can't be slept. You'll love that new movie on Disney plus. Then zone out watching the magic school blimp. You'll get a call from mom asking how your day was horrible. Then she'll bring up your aunt's son. You know your first cousin twice removed. Then your doctor will call with some not great news. You drink too much. So lay off the Pepsi. You try to go to sleep, but the pills don't work. Your brain's too loud and it's being a real moron. Your smoke alarm goes off with a beep, beep, beep and you feel like crying. So you start to embarrass. That about does it for your crazy day. And remember kids, crime

doesn't dance. Wow. But it does dab and it does deep dab. We got to work on your rhyming skills, but other than that, that was a pretty sick and fat rap. You know, if you put your heart into it, it rhymed just fine. Is that right? Just like rhyme and fine. Well, that about does it for this week's episode of Aaron is the funny one. Tune in next week for a new episode and listeners, don't be hesitant. Don't be scared. Feel free to call in or text in at our hotline dad hug me 10. That's D A D H U G M E one zero dad hug me 10. Also don't ever assume that Jack film is like reading or listening to the hotline. It's always me like 99% of the time. It's me. So any Hoosers, if you do want to talk to Jack though, just like say it. So like, Hey, I have a quiz

idea. Yeah. Well, I have a quiz idea. Don't tell Aaron, please give it to Jack, whatever. And I will, I will obey. Otherwise, can't wait to hear from you all. Thank you so much for listening again and tuning in. And I can't wait to see you guys next week. Till next time, haters.