Erin is the Funny One - Doctor Erin Medicine Woman

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

Dr. Erin shares the results from her breakthrough discovery on Jackfilms’ face blindness. Jack pitches the producers on being buried alive and Erin gives her hot take on Maui. Also everyone gets honorary degrees! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Welcome back, dear listeners, to yet another episode of Aaron is the funny one. I'm your co-host, Jack Douglas, joining me as always, my wife. Well, not as always. I haven't been here the last few weeks. That's true. We had a rather eventful... We had a few guest hosts in the middle of all of this, but I'm back. I'm well rested. Great. Yes, I'm ready to get to it. Thank you for having me. I'm very excited to be here. You know, it's always a treat when you're here. We got to get you on the show more.

Do we? I kind of like having a lot of, like, paid time off. Like, I get paid to be here. Once we reach past the eight hour mark, I make time and a half. And then after 10 hours, I make two times what my usual hourly rate is. So... Wow. I mean, but I really enjoy, like, getting a lot of paid time off. So I get paid to not be here. It's actually quite nice. I think that's the American dream. I think it is, too.

If not the international one. I think they're doing it more internationally. From what I see on TikTok, Svalbard is the shit. And they get, like, 5,000 days off. I'm not even sure they make people work in Svalbard, which is why... Yeah, which is why when I have my do-over, like, my life do-over, I'm going to Svalbard. What do you mean your life do-over? Like, I get to redo it all. When?

When not. When, not, not, whenever, whenever, whenever I feel like it. That sounded like the beginning of a poem. When not. When not. Like, when comma, not. Kind of like how this, like, you know how the sentence, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, is, like, grammatically correct, because buffalo can be a noun, a verb, an adjective, a verb, etc. Are you, like, flexing on us right now? 100%.

Really strange that, like, the grammar king is here to impart wisdom on the folks about buffalo. I'm not just flexing, I'm man-flex-planing, which is the coolest form. Oh. A little hybrid there. I guess the good news is that you're not gatekeeping this knowledge from us, so that's good, I guess. Though it's very male life of you, to male...

Thank you. Male-splain. Male-splain. Guys, normalize male-splaining. We have a great show, I think. I actually don't know, because I'm not running it. Wait, but I'm not running it. Who's running the show?

Oh, no. Which one do I shoot? Can we get the ghost back? The ghost was actually pretty good at running the show. Yeah, all right. We'll get Ernie back. Wait, Ernie and the ghost are the same person? I don't fucking know.

The lore's too complex, we're only six episodes in. But somehow, somewhere, there will be a fan fiction of the Ernie and the ghost, and how it all ties back, okay? Somebody that needs to write an extra credit essay can write a fan fiction about how it all ties back together. And all I ask is that you also include Klondike in the storyline. That's all I'm going to say. What do you call it?

You get like three, you get, it's for credit. It's for school credit. I forget, I've been so far removed from school for so long. Wait, what? It's extra credit. No, but I mean like credits towards your curriculum. Your, what? Like a class credit?

Like a class credit, exactly. Well, no, you don't, no, that's like a big deal. Credits, that's, this is extra credit like points on a test. No, I think we should, well, that's not a big deal. We should have class credit. No, college credits are a big deal. That's three credits is like a semester long class. That's right.

That's like a few hours a week. That means listeners get to skip the whole season if they get enough credits. Oh my God. Wow. Honestly though, you know what? Oh, and in the adult world, some occupations require people to get continuing education credits to like remain licensed and we could offer continuing education credits. I don't know how, but we could talk to somebody about that.

Well, I think we're going to go a little bit into that today. We are? Yeah, absolutely. Oh, well, we're all going to get our doctorate degrees today. Yeah, our doctorates? Yeah, we're going to get our doctorates. How? Tell me how it seems so easy.

Well, today, you know how like when you go to the eye doctor, they like test your vision and like how well you can see. And you stare at the little weather balloon in the bubble. Yeah. What? No, you look at the picture of the balloon in the distance. No, I've never had that eye taste. Oh, you don't, that's right.

You don't go to the good doctor. Oh, that's right. I can actually see with my eyeballs. Jesus. So today, we are going. Today, we are going to put it to the test because I will not, I will not let this die. She will not. In fact, I am going to be the one that dies on this hill.

I know that you are face blind. You've been saying this for years. Okay. And it hurts every time. It stings a little more every time. I know that you're face blind. Not. And today, we are going to prove it.

Okay. And just for the listeners out there who may not know, can you explain what face blindness is, Ernie? You don't recognize anybody ever. That's about it. People that you know, you don't recognize. People that you have seen in movies, you don't recognize. This is a gross exaggeration. I want you guys to know.

Hey, Jack, when you went to a wedding a few weekends ago, did you or did you not mistake the groom who you've known for a decade now? That's unfair. Did you mistake the groom's brother for the groom? Did you go up to the groom's brother and say, oh my gosh, congratulations. Because you thought he was the groom. To be fair, they look remarkably alike. And they sound remarkably alike.

And their mannerisms, you guessed it, remarkably alike. Now. So sue me. Okay. We're going to put it to the test today. I'm excited to take your cute little quiz. Yes. But before we do that.

You're so awkward. We nearly forgot our weekly segment. It's wine testing. Shut the fuck up. It's wine tasting. Shut the fuck up. But before we get into the blind face test. I was way better.

Before we get into the face blindness test, what we're going to do is we're going to celebrate this week's wine of the week. Jack film, take it away. What wine are we drinking this week? Oh, we have a special blend tonight. We are drinking a Sauvignon Blanc. My personal favorite of the white wines. All the wines.

It is a Chateau Sté-Michel. What is it, Jack? What is it? You heard me. A Chateau Sté-Michel. Stay. Stay. Yes, STE.

I have a feeling that the STE isn't supposed to be stay. I have a feeling you don't know what you're talking about. I mean, I don't know, but I have a feeling. I actually think that it's like sweet Chateau-Michel. Sweet berry wine. Yeah. I don't think it's supposed to be in the middle of it. I think it's above it for a reason.

Well, I'm going to call it Chateau Sté-Michel. And let me tell you listeners, let me describe the taste of this wine because this is something I'm very good at. Jack, Jack, wait. What year is it? It's 2018. Oh, it's 2018. That was a good year.

We got married that year. April of 2018 was our wedding month. Klondike was born that year. Wow, you actually had to think about that. No, I'm just like, you're very wrong. Of course not. We literally just celebrated her eighth birthday. None of our dogs were born that year.

No, of course they weren't. Wow, you like, I wish you guys had seen his face. No, no, no. He literally was doing the calculus in his mind. He was like, no calculus was I doing in my mind. I looked off and confused because I was like, this isn't funny. It's a bad joke. You're a bad joke.

This wine tastes like lemons and melons. And melons, what kind of melons? Watermelon or cantaloupe? Because nobody likes cantaloupe. It tastes a bit like watermelon sugar. No, it tastes like a Sauvignon Blanc should. It's sweet. It's light.

It's not too heavy. But it's very, very good. I would give it five bottles out of five. This is one of the better Sauvignon Blancs I've had in recent memory. What say you, wife? What say you? So this Sauvignon Blanc is on the tartar side.

I was going to say that. It did make my cheeks pinch just a tad. You've spoke of this before. And it sat on the front of my tongue. I will say I made a little bit of a face when I took my first sip. Well, that's fine. I'll have your cup.

Like a lemon sucker punch to the mouth. Just a teat. It's like a imagine, like a little teensy, tiny, like Icelandic gnome. Is that what they are? Are they elves? What is in that Netflix movie? I think gnome.

Are they gnomes or they elves? You know what, they are elves. They're elves. They're elves? They're pretty sure it's elves. They're teeny tiny. They're like two inches, three inches big. And imagine one of them when it punched you.

Its fists were covered in lemon juice and a little bit of like lemon flavored lemonade powder. And it was just punching your tongue a little bit. And that's what it tastes like. Wow, honey. Yeah. I've never not related to anything harder. I'm going to have to say that's a dead wrong comparison.

You're usually spot on. A teeny tiny little Icelandic elf. Just getting a little bit. It's not even angry at you. It's just like, it's in a like a kickboxing class. And it just wants to get its, just wants to, you know, work out its arms a little bit. And it's just following the instructors.

Yeah. And its fists just happen to be covered in like lemonade flavored Kool-Aid and. That's what this wine tastes like. And that's what this wine tastes like. And that, that's it. This concludes wine of the week. Oh, I do love those Icelandic elves.

Who doesn't? They honestly, that movie on Netflix, Eurovision. Wow. Waiter, remember I was struggling. Yeah. I was really struggling. That Netflix movie Eurovision was, it was a precious gem. And the Icelandic elves, I'm not going to give anything away.

They play a part. But they play a part. They play a role. And they make the movie. If I do say so myself. Yeah, it's a highlight for sure. It is a highlight. Maybe want to get an Icelandic elf.

And actually I'm adding it to my Christmas wish list. In addition to an elf, which I, I've been waiting a week. I have yet to have elf as a roommate. So. They take a while to ship. So. I mean, they are coming from outer space. Yep.

Somebody, by the way, somebody tweeted at me that they were like, what on earth is an elf? I've been searching the internet for an elf. And why does elf like cats? Right. No, no, no, it makes sense. Like on paper, it is an insane person's story. Like on paper, it makes absolutely no sense.

Somehow, somehow they pitched that to a, you know, board of executive producers and they greenlit the thing. And the pitch was. What do you mean? Like why, why is it so hard to believe he's, he's amazing. Given the opportunity, I would kick you out in a heartbeat and have an elf come live with me. Oh, I know you would.

You know, there's not enough room in this house for the both of you. And so I choose elf all day, every day, every month of the year, every year of the decade, every decade of the century, every century of the millennium, every millennium of the universe. Listen, I'm just picturing like the young, you know, twinkle-eyed guy that pitched the idea of elf to these grizzled middle-aged dudes.

You're assuming a lot about the father of elf. You're assuming a lot. But can you imagine, he like burst in the door and he's like, all right guys, you know how E.T. is the hottest thing in the world right now? Okay, cuter, furrier E.T. But get this, his diet is cats. And then the guys just like stand up and applaud and they're like,

how many seasons? No, no, no, no. Honestly, it's silence followed by a. Yeah, absolutely. He got slow-clapped. 100%. They're like, sir, you just broke television with that idea. Yeah.

How many dollars would you like? Well, that's, I've been literally like, how many dollars would you like? I would like to buy one elf, please. I would like one elf to come live with me. I wonder if the elf plushie, you know, if that exists, was a popular toy. Are you kidding?

They must have been, right? They must have like printed money with those. Yeah. It was the tickle me Elmo of the 80s. Ooh, sure, sure. Okay, okay. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. We had a show today, didn't we?

Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Well, oh yeah, we have to test your face blindness. This is very important. This test is going to not only get me my doctorate degree. I thought you were going to say, so I'm going to get me canceled. Well, maybe, but also it's going to get me my doctorate degree because it's the basis of my thesis.

Is that right? Yes. But it's going to get every single person who is listening and observing the study that is Jack's film's face blindness and honorary doctorate degree as well. So is that how it works? I don't know if that's accurate. Guys, my entire livelihood and reputation

depends on the outcome of this study. It is extremely important that my findings and hypotheses are correct. And what is your hypothesis slash thesis that simply I am face blind? You are face blind. Sick, sick, sick, sick. Okay, I am so excited for this exam and study because so much of my life depends on it.

I haven't taken an exam since my driver's exam for the state of California like 10 years ago. What I will say is I need your permission up front that this exam could potentially be quite embarrassing for you and could possibly impact some relationships that you have. Oh, Christ. Well, I can't say no now or too far gone. I accept and consent to all embarrassment that may befall me.

Okay. Also, as a disclaimer, I am not responsible for exposing you as a face blindness person. Okay? That I don't consent to. I think some level of responsibility has to fall on you. You know what? You're right.

I am the new Ronan Farrow. I am the newest investigative journalist. Well, can we make that comparison? I am here to unveil the secrets that lie beneath. You're just like Ronan Farrow. Yeah, that's why I just said that. I know. I'm just that's why I'm stating it again.

Jackville. Ernie. Are you ready for the exam of the century? Clearly. Are you ready for the exam of the millennium? Christ. What's after millennium? Are you ready?

You don't know. For the exam? I don't know. Of the universe? No, that's not. It's the only thing I know after millennium, okay? Try like Eon era. Calm down.

What are you, a crossword puzzle? Hell yeah. Holy. Five letters. Are you ready? Yes. Let's begin. Now, Jack, for this exam, I have selected 15 individuals ranging from people in your life

that you know personally and people that I know for a fact that you've seen at the very least on a TV screen, if not a movie screen. I'm going to hurt a lot of feelings tonight. That are celebrities. Hey, maybe this will go like the wine tasting where I nailed it. Remember that quiz? You tried to stump me and I nailed every single one. Much sheer befuddlement.

Okay, so before we begin, I guess I would just like to request that if you pass this exam the same way that you passed the wine tasting exam. You'll chug a warm smear off ice? Done. I agree. My request is that you stop acting so stupid when you pretend like you don't actually know people or know things or anything like that. So either way, you're saying this is lose-lose.

Either way, I get exposed. One way I get exposed is someone with face blindness or if I pass this evil quiz of yours, then I expose myself as an apparent liar and a lazy liar. Yeah, lazy. Lazy is the best way to put it. Understood. Okay, great. I love lose-lose scenarios.

I'll find a way to win. I always do. Okay, because you're such a gracious and willing participant in my thesis, doctorate study, I'm going to give you the choice. I have to call you doctor now. Not yet. This is the exam that will lead to my- The world's not ready for doctor air.

Oh, the world is ready. The world's not ready. Okay, Jack, film, do you want to start out with somebody easy or somebody hard? Easy, please. Let's wade into these waters. Let's warm me up at least. Jack, who is this? That is my sister.

I won't say her name so that I don't doctor, but that is my sister. You asked, how low are your expectations of me? One time I asked you your cousin's name and you literally couldn't tell me your cousin's name. I have a lot of cousins. Pretty low. By the way, I have more cousins and I know all their damn names. I'm really scared for this.

All right. Okay, Jack. One for 15. Are you ready for the next face blindness question? 15 is so many. Yeah. Who is this? Hold on, I know this guy.

That is a Russian hacker, right? Crazy Russian hacker. Crazy Russian hacker. Sorry, I forgot the crazy. That's crazy Russian hacker. Why do you know that? Because we've spoken with him before at Playlist and VidCon. Do you actually remember what he looks like from Playlist and VidCon or do you

remember what he looks like because you've seen viral videos of his? Honestly, the former. No way. No way. No way. I don't believe that. No, sure. I don't.

No offense to him. I don't watch his videos, but I know what he looks like because we've met and spoken several times, many times at conventions such as Playlist Live and VidCon. Both are kind of like YouTuber online video conventions. And I think I bumped into him at a YouTuber rewind years ago. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah. Oh, he was like actually little background on Crazy Russian Hacker.

Yeah, he's cool as hell. Yeah. In 2013, I went to my first playlist. That was it. Jack and I had just started dating. Jack went off and ditched me like he always does at like stupid YouTuber parties. And I'm left. I just get so excited.

I'm left to fend for myself and I come across this guy and he befriended me and he didn't care that I wasn't a YouTuber. And by the way, a lot of times, YouTubers are there because they want to like, you know, network with people that. But then there's snobs about it too. Yeah. Well, they want to network with people that are like can only help advance their careers. So a lot of time, a plebe like myself, it's not interesting to people.

Crazy Russian Hacker was happy to befriend me and we had a wonderful conversation. I'm not even sure if he remembers it, but I remember it. I'll bet he does. I'll bet he does. And I have a very fond memory of all the times I've met Crazy Russian Hacker. So I can't believe that you remember this. Two for 15. So far, so good.

Oh God. All right, Jack film. Are you ready for the next one? Mm-hmm. Jack film, who is this? Listeners, she's showing me a picture of Mr. Worldwide slash Pitbull. Like I wouldn't fucking know Pitbull, the singer of the greatest remix of Africa by Toto ever recorded.

I can't believe you know this. I'm insulted. I can't believe you know who that is. He's Mr. Worldwide. Do you know how many times he has traveled the globe in search of riches or whatever? Okay, fine. I'm doing a harder one. Jack, who is this?

Oh, I know who that is. This is the brother of my college roommate and one of my all-time best friends, Darren. I'm so disappointed that you know this. I was literally like, oh, there's no way. Jack doesn't even remember the names of my best friends that he has met so many times. That's a lie. You don't know. You don't know their names.

I was actually going to use all of my friends and then I thought, well, I would hate for them to hate you the next time they saw you. It'd be so awkward because you wouldn't know a single one of them. Can I just say next time at VidCon or whenever if someone ever gets offended that I don't remember them or their name or their face, it's not you, it's me. Okay, Jack, are you ready? Yes. Who is this?

Okay, I think that's Margot Robbie. What the fuck? All right, okay. This makes me so mad. Well, I hesitated because there's another actress. Samara Weaving, yes. They look identical. They look identical.

They don't look alike. Who's that? They look identical. Is that, don't tell me, is that Cruella? Is that Emma Stone? Who's that? We're doing a speed round. She's angry now.

Now I'm mad. Now she's mad. Now I'm really mad. Oh, I know her. I know her. Is that Giannina from Love Is Blind? Giardia? That's Giardia from Love Is Blind.

I fucking hate you so much. Her name is Giannina and she is from the show Love Is Blind on Netflix. Jack's films, loves dating shows that happen to appear on Netflix. Yes, you do. Did you or did you not watch the entirety of Love Is Blind? I watched it. I watched all of it. Did I love it?

Did you watch After the Altar? Well, we're only a couple episodes deep in that, but yeah. Uh-huh, yeah. Okay, Jack, I have an extra embarrassing one for you, okay? Are you ready? No. Are you ready to ruin some relationships? No.

This is cruel. Who is that? Aaron really wants to ruin some relationships because I am blanking very hard. You don't know who this is, do you? I'm getting there. I'm so glad. That's not Abby.

Oh my. Abby is my best friend slash college roommate slash after college roommate. The answer is no, that's not Abby. I've never met this person in my life. Okay, okay, that's funny. Remember when I told you guys like four seconds ago that Jack Films didn't know any of what my friends look like, even though he's met them multiple times?

He literally just like, I just showed him a picture of somebody and he's like, is that Abby? No, that's not Abby. Hold on. No, don't touch it. I'm not, I'm pulling it closer to my face. Okay. I swear I'm not going to cheat.

What he's doing right now is he's trying to see if there's any clues in the background. He's trying to see if he can place where they are in the background to maybe be able to place who this person is. I can't wait for you to get canceled by somebody. I don't. I can't wait. Oh yes, I'm so excited. Oh, hello doctorate, you are so close.

You are so close. Are you happy? I hope you're happy. I am. I am so happy. Damaging relationships but getting your fucking doctorate. I can't wait guys, guys. You are all about to have and earn your honorary doctorate degrees.

They're licking the stamps on the envelopes right now. Oh wait, wait, wait, wait. They're going to be mailed to your homes. No, never mind. It's happening guys. We are going to do it. Any hints or clues or no? I'll give you a hint.

I would love one. But if I give you the hint, I get a doctorate. Everybody that's listening gets an honorary doctorate. You lose. Sure. All right. We were at this wedding. In Baltimore.

It was. Or DC. It was in Maryland. Is this my cousin? You think that that's your cousin? Have you met all your cousins? Timeout. Okay, hold on.

Is that my cousin? You tell me. Hold on. No, this is someone else. This is someone else. This is the girl whose wedding we went to in Maryland. This is the girl whose wedding we went to in Maryland. Who's that?

After. The day after we went to my cousin's wedding. Oh my God, you just further proved your face blindness. That was one of my high school best friends, Sammy, who the woman that I'm showing Jack a photo of is a very light-haired blonde. Sammy is very much so a brunette. Very much so. So the answer is no, no.

Tell me, just tell me. Just rip the band-aid off. Jack, this is a photo of your fucking sister-in-law. Let me show you the whole photo that's not cropped. Jack, who's holding the arm of the girl that I showed you a picture of? Okay. Yep. Okay.

Jack. It me. I'm so glad you can send it ahead of time. I'm so glad. And now we all get doctorate degrees because you suffer from face blindness. I win. To be fair. I win.

Oh my gosh, I win. How are you going to try to defend yourself? You literally asked me, is this my cousin? I have met this person a total number of like three times in my life. Doesn't matter. She's your sister-in-law. My life. Doesn't matter.

Jack, who is walking her down the aisle right now? Okay, shut up. Jack, who is walking her down the aisle in that photo? Me, but listen. I know most of my in-laws. Most of them, all like three that you have. Holy shit. Wow.

Wow. Okay, guys. Well, I want to continue the game anyway, even though Jack was an epic fail that he doesn't even know his own family members. Okay. That was a mulligan. That one didn't count. Keep going.

Okay, I also love that you know Giannina from Love is Blind, but not your own family. That's all. Because I've seen her more. And Mr. Worldwide. I didn't even know Mr. Worldwide. I just like Googled a photo of it. Well, that's embarrassing to admit, honey.

I mean, everyone knows Mr. Worldwide. All right, Jack. Who is this? Oh my God. Oh my God. She is literally showing me a picture of someone in full on dolphin makeup and mask from the Netflix original series, Sexy Beast.

Guys, do you remember when he tried to say that he doesn't love Netflix dating shows? Yet he knows every single character from Netflix's Sexy Beast? Fuck you. It's not like I know. No, don't even. I know all the characters. No, she's literally showing me the fucking dolphin person. Do you not know the dolphin?

Do you not know the show, Jack? I mean, there's a blow hole in the middle of her forehead. That's a dolphin. Uh-huh. Unbelievable. Uh-huh. Okay. It's not even like a person.

I mean, it's a person. You know what I mean? Next, Jack. I think this is hell. Who is this? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my.

Oh my God. I love this. You're not going to have any friends left. Oh, I love this. Poor family. That's Zeke. Oh my God. No, I'm just kidding.

All right, this gentleman's name, this person, this guy. Yeah, huh? Got a beard. All right, can I just say, were we at this person's wedding? No, they're not married. Wow. Wow. Guys, note to self, don't be friends with JackFilm.

He won't know who you are. Actually, maybe we should be more empathetic or sympathetic to JackFilm because what he suffers from. There are dozens of us. How dare you make light of my plight? I'm so sorry. You're not even sorry. No, not really.

That is Billiam, Billiam Bowtie. That is Billiam. You are correct. Can I get a clue? Yes, he came to our wedding. Oh my God. See a friend of yours? Um, yeah.

Is he a coworker? Oh my God. No, family? No, not family. Oh my God. My family? Oh my God. This is sad.

Do you remember Daniel Carter? Oh, fuck. Wow. It's Daniel Carter's bow. I was worried that you didn't even remember Daniel. Just like based on, you know, whatever you're dealing with inside of your brain. I want to apologize to both of them.

Yeah. I am so sorry. Yeah, you're a real dick. I'm sorry. Your face blindness is dickiness. To be fair, it has been a minute. Okay. Are you ready?

Damn it. You're a dick. I'm just forgetful. No, you're not. No, you have face blindness. Okay, Jack. That too. Are you ready?

No. Who is this? Okay, hold on. It kind of looks like a cousin. It does kind of look like your cousin. A cousin, Mike. It kind of looks like your cousin, Mike. Is that not my final answer?

That is, I don't, you tell me. Is that your final answer? Yeah, it's my final answer. He's like, I'm, yeah. He looks different with, he's got a haircut. He looks a little different. But like, I'm doing the thing where I'm like, I'm just selecting the face with like my fingers.

That's my cousin, Mike. That's your final answer? Yeah. You're sure? Yeah. That is Brock Baker's brother. I hate this quiz. So I would like to apologize to two parties.

My lovely cousin, Mike. I am so sorry, but if you ever see the picture, I think you'd understand. No, no. And yes. And to Brock's brother. I am so sorry. That is-

We did meet once at trivia. That's from trivia, isn't it? Guys, yeah, that is, yes, that's from trivia. Unbelievable. All of the pictures I'm showing you, you are literally in these photos. I just have cropped them. That's really cool, babe.

That's really fucking cool. Wow. What a cool, what a cool, what a cool game. Hashtag Jacksfilms is over party. All right. So we previously, like a second ago, have talked about how Jack went to a wedding of a friend and mistakenly went up to the groom's brother,

congratulating him on his wedding, even though- This was like weeks ago, by the way. Yeah, it was like literally like three weeks ago. Yeah. Jack could not tell that the groom's brother was actually not the groom, even though Jack is very, you know, has known the groom for literally a decade. And the funny thing is, if I can just add this quick side note, I know you're getting somewhere with this,

but I just want to add in like when I came into the ceremony, I saw the brother thinking it was the groom. I said congratulations and hugged him. And he very graciously said, thanks man, I gained a sister today, or I'm gaining a sister today. And I was very confused for about five full long uncomfortable seconds. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Oh God. Oh Jesus. That's not the groom at all, is it? He was very cool about it. What a recovery for him, for him to say like, thanks man, I gained a sister. What a smart, cool fucking thing to say. Meanwhile, I'm like, have it, have it, have it, have it, have it, have it, have it.

Okay, I'm sorry, you were going somewhere with this. Jack, I have in front of me here a photo of one of the sleepers. Okay. Because the groom was Jared's sleeper. I also have a picture of his brother. I'm going to show you one of these photos. It's either the groom or his brother. I think I can do this.

I think I can, I think I got this. You have to tell me which one it is. Sure. Is this the groom or the brother? Okay, so it's funny. Okay, this is really infuriating because listeners, I can tell that this is a picture from the Renaissance fair, which that's something that I personally have frequented for a decade now, more or less,

last couple of years, not so much. This is a good stalling tactic. I remember this day, both sleepers were in tow. I'm going to say that's the brother. Are you sure? Yeah, that's the brother, I'm positive. That's the brother. Yeah.

At least you got it right this time, I guess. Okay. There we go. Who is this? That's not a sleeper at all. That's Nev. Oh my God, you literally don't know your own family members, but you know Nev from Catfish.

Well, who doesn't know Nev from Catfish? Oh my God. Wow. He invented cat fishing. Wow. Okay. Do you know the fish that was actually named after his show? A lot of people don't know that.

Who is this? I think, I think that is a former bachelorette Tammy Tim Tams. No, what's her name? The Southern, the Southern one, the Southern Belle. Oh, what's your name? Am I right? Is it a bachelorette?

Remember when you tried to say that you don't like dating shows? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even though you've now named somebody from Sexy Beast, Love is Blind and the Bachelorette? And Catfish. And Catfish. Is that a dating show? Kind of.

Yeah. I think it's the dating show. No, I don't know. They go on dates and they're often disappointed. This is, I know her name, I know her name, I know her name, I know her name, I know her name, I know her name, her name. It's fucking Hanna B, okay. Okay, I wouldn't have gotten Hanna.

Who's that? What? Hold on, hold on, hold on. This one, that's why I started doing the speed round, because I'm like, oh, you're going to know them all now. Is that Orlando Bloom? It's Orlando Bloom. Thank God.

I haven't seen him in a while. Who's that? Oh, well, that's John Mayer. Who's that? Oh, man, I know I know this face. This is a speed round? Yeah, this is the last one. This is actually the last photo.

This is the last photo, really? This is the last photo for you. Is this person from a dating show? No. This is person of celebrity. Why else would I, oh no, there's somebody you know. Yeah, there's celebrity. Yeah, yeah, okay.

Is this my cousin or my in-law or Jared's brother? Um, this is, this is the cruelest test. This is what this is. I have lost all friends and probably some family now, so that's cool. I haven't seen my family since 2019, so. That's not an excuse. That's not an excuse, okay?

Who is this? Can you give me a, this is a girl. Who is this girl? Can you give me a hint? She has blonde hair. Stop it. Stop it, I need a hint. She wrote a book and I read it.

Tina Fey. No, she wrote a book and you read it. Yes. Is that Jessica Simpson? It's Jessica Simpson. Wow, I can't believe you don't know her right off the bat. Well, it's her profile. But to be fair, you don't know your cousins or your in-laws

and you think Brock Baker's brother is your cousin and like. In that picture, they looked remarkably like. Not really, no, not at all actually. I'm going to just trace out the faces and then overlay them on top of each other in Photoshop and then lower the opacity and you tell me. Guys, we did it. We proved that Jack suffers from face blindness.

He doesn't even know his own family members and. Wendy Williams would have a heyday with this. I'm having a heyday with this. That was the longest hour of my fucking life. To be fair, it wasn't a full hour. Yeah, that's why that was the longest hour of my life. I lost years just now. That was awful.

Well, thank you for playing along. Thank you for earning me my doctorate. Thank you for finally, because you embarrassed me a few weeks ago by knowing the actual wines. Okay, you embarrassed me. God, remember that? That was a good day. People, I lost credibility after that test.

You sure did. Okay, people were starting to think like, Aaron. Would have hated to have been your shoes. I think she might be just, you know, maybe she's, her perception is inaccurate. But I have a burning desire to be believed and trusted. That's true and very unhealthy. Well, goddamn, I wasn't going to let this opportunity

continue to snowball. And that is why I had to hold the face blindness test today. So at least we know that you are indeed face blind and that you don't know a single one of my friends. I'm really glad you didn't ask like names of my cousins. Oh my God. No, I wouldn't embarrass you like that.

That would be cruel. I'm just really bad with names and faces. Do you don't even have that many cousins? Like you have a lot of cousins, but dude. We have dozens of cousins. I have dozens of cousins. I know all of their names. Good for you.

Do you want a cookie? Like shit. And I know all their children's names. And yeah. I really don't know. I got a lot of cookies. And that's why I got fat shamed on the internet. Okay.

That's right. That's exactly right. No. Yeah. Thank you for not going into cousins and children of my cousins. That would have been a train wreck. Yeah. You're welcome.

Starring Amy Poehler. Amy Schumer. Fuck. What? Who? What just happened? I tried to make a joke. I said, I said something was a train wreck.

And then I waited a bit and I said starring Amy Schumer. No, you said Amy Poehler. All right. I said Amy Poehler thinking it was Amy Schumer. Oh. See, I'm just, I'm digging a hole. I'm digging myself a hole. And should we bury you alive now?

Like what should we do? Do it like David Blaine style. Yeah, bury me alive except I don't like come out in a few days. Okay. Cool. That's fine. What else? Can you sponsor the burying me alive segment?

Okay. Now it is a necessity that you refer to me as Dr. Aaron. Yes. I refuse. I earned my doctorate. You didn't earn a goddamn thing. That was literally how the entire, I literally was like, listen, this is going to earn me my doctorate degree if I win the exam.

Doctor of these. And you were the subject of my thesis and my thesis proved to be true. Thus I am now a doctor. Thus you must refer to me as Dr. Aaron. That's who I am. I'm Dr. Aaron now and will forever be referred to as Dr. Aaron. Because I was the one to diagnose you with face blindness. How about secretary?

Is that better? No. Doctor. Doctor. Miss? Miss. I am a girl, girl doctor, boss doctor. Miss Aaron?

Doctor. Oh, how about Miss Aaron? Like a, like what a kindergartner would call a teacher. Oh, Miss Aaron. First off, it'd be miss, but it's also. I know, but they don't fucking know that. Doctor. Doctor.

Stop malewifing whatever the fuck you're doing. It's. I'm never not malewifing. Yeah, I know. It's very. And male-splating. No, it's very apparent and it's very annoying. I got a male-splain while you're on.

I am Dr. Aaron. Dr. Aaron here. Thank you all for coming to my very doctor podcast. Oh God. Do we have to turn? Do we have to change the name of this podcast? Dr. Aaron is the funny one? Oh no.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I'll think about it. That's a good title for this podcast. Dr. Aaron is the funny or just Dr. Aaron. What? Oh, that would be cute.

So you know how last episode was Ernie is the funny one? Yes. And then this episode is Dr. Aaron is the funny one. What if like that's the theme? Every title is just like a different play on Aaron is the funny one. No, because then it's just more pressure for me to like change identities every time. Well, kind of like I'm kind of going on. Here we go again, people.

I'm going on the friends. More pressure from malewifes to women being like, what if you changed your identity every single episode, but the onus is on you to figure out what the identity is. Well, I'm trying to relate to TV shows. I'm trying to relate to like TV shows and series and episodes where the title is the same with a little caveat like the one where, you know what I mean? Except I'm the one that has to figure out what the identity is.

I guess you're the variant. Well, no, we can mix it up. Aaron is like, it doesn't have to be the name that changes. It could be the action or the adjective. Aaron is the doctor like one. Well, I guess I'm just going to say just like I told you when we first started dating, I guess I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment yet. Wow.

You did say that. Damn. So Dr. Ernie here. Thank you all for joining me on my doctorate. Doctorie, very doctor. I hate Dr. Aaron is the funny one. Podcasts. Worst podcast on the planet.

I think we need to change the name to Doctorie Doctor Doctor podcast where we talk about doctorie doctor things. You'd be the worst. You'd be the worst doctor. The worst. Starring Dr. Aaron. Aaron is the doctor one more like it. That's right.

Someone walks in your office and says, I have this pain behind my doctor's office. You mean? Fuck you. They walk into my doctor's office. Someone walks into your doctor's office and they're like, I got this pain behind my right eye. What do you do? What do you tell him? You're the doctor.

What do you do? What's your big action? Have you tried Advil? Shit, that's good. Damn, she's good. All right, I'll get you next time. Not sponsored. Can you imagine this podcast sponsored by Advil?

Honestly, I take more Advil than any other human being on the planet. It's true. You down that shit like placebo. Well, I probably shouldn't say this because it's like, but I take four at a time. I'm like, bad. That's not bad. Blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, gobbling up on the Advil.

Listeners, she's doing the best hand to mouth motion ever. Just shoveling these Advil pills in her mouth. It was great. She should have been there. Always in pain. Okay. You are always in pain. It's okay.

You're a doctor. I have period cramps. I ate too much pizza. Oh, yeah. For like an hour before we recorded, she just kept saying, I ate too much pizza. I'm like, boy, oh, boy, do I sure feel bad for you. How will we make it through the night? The woes of Dr. Aaron.

I would say no regrets, but I do regret it. So whoops. All right. Jack film. Yes. Shall we move on to our next segment? Yes. A few weeks ago, we had a segment called that don't impress me much.

You may recall. I do. It was right around the time of the July 4th holiday. And here's the thing is that I thought of another thing that was kind of in the same vein as that don't impress me much. But here's the problem is that not only does this thing not impress me that much. But I genuinely hate this thing. It gets you angry.

It gets me angry. That's so weird. So few things get you angry. It might grind my gears, if you will. I will. And so I don't want to repeat that don't impress me much because it's not just that I'm slightly irritated and unimpressed by this thing. It's more.

It's that this thing made me literally cry tears of fatigue and it made me literally just want to go home. Yes, it did. It did. That's how much I don't like this thing. And so instead of that don't impress me much this week, I would like to talk about something that has been weighing on my soul for the last three years. Bill it, babe.

I would like to talk about a hot take that I have. Hot take. I hate the island of Maui. The whole island. The entire island. All of it. Well, let's get into it. I hate Maui.

Not only do I feel this way about Maui. I want to be very clear because this might seem like crazy talk. Like what the, what? Who hates Hawaii? Maui is like, Maui's amazing. Maui is luscious and pure and well whatever. That's what we were told. But not only do I hate Maui, but Maui hates me.

That's fair. Okay. That's fair to say. It is somehow mutual hatred. I don't know how it got my name. I don't know how it got my number. I don't know how it knew I was coming, but it found out and it got mad. And it was like, nah, we ain't doing it.

So let's back up. Yes. The year is 2018. It is June. My wife and I had finished the first half of our lovely, lovely honeymoon. We had spent over a week in incredible Bora Bora in the French Polynesian Islands.

I can't believe you know where Bora Bora is. That's really impressive. So condescending. It's so impressive. I mean, to be fair, when we booked the trip, you thought Bora Bora was an island in Hawaii. So. I also didn't know Maui.

So. We had just come back from what I can only describe as literal paradise in Bora Bora. Could not have been better. Could not have gone better. It was picturesque. It looked like a computer. The Maldives. It looked like the Maldives.

I was going to say it looked like a computer background. The Windows computer background. That's how we chose it. It is kind of how we chose it. We didn't want to go all the way to the Maldives. So we went to Bora Bora instead and it was basically the same. It did us just fine. So we did that.

And then my dumb ass, when we were planning our honeymoon, I thought, well, we should go to Hawaii too. Because my dumb ass grew up on like, and this is, I think this is literally like why I chose Hawaii. And this really sucks to admit almost as much as that quiz you made me take. Like, you know, three years ago. Uh-huh. That's how it feels.

And like every American sitcom, there's always an episode where they all go to Hawaii. You mean like the Brady Bunch? Brady Bunch. And I feel like modern. And a very Brady sequel and like Full House. That's what I'm thinking. Like more like Full House, maybe Family Matters, like shit like that.

Like other shows, like there's always like a Hawaii episode. I would have rather gone to Disney World. Don't. I know. That's the other thing I was going to say. They also, they always have a Disney World show or they always have a Disney episode, right? But I think I had just grown up on this, dare I say it,

this very American dream of vacationing in Hawaii for lack of a better term. And I said, honey, let's also for our honeymoon. Yeah, we'll do Bora Bora. Let's also go to Hawaii. So that was my bad. And my bad was thinking that I had to listen to you. And that if Jack wants to go to Hawaii, then like,

I want to do Bora Bora. Jack wants to do Hawaii. We'll do both. That was my bad. My bad was listening to Jack film. You did listen though. He didn't even know where Maui was. So part of the blame is yours.

But well, yeah, my bad is, you know, trusting you. Silly girl. Silly, silly, silly. So let me like set the stage a little bit. Maui is a fan favorite. I heard from numerous people that if this is your first time going to Hawaii, you should go to Maui. Maui is the most luscious.

There's waterfalls and there's nature. And there's also like good places to eat. Like whatever it was, people were all about Maui. They were like, if this is your first time going to Hawaii, go to Maui. So we go to Maui and there were a number of things that were hyped up beyond belief. One day I was super, super excited to go see turtles.

That was what everybody was all about Hawaii about. Like you're going to go see turtles, turtles, turtles, turtles, turtles, turtles. You're a turtle. I'm a turtle. You're going to see turtles. So we signed up for this snorkeling trip that promised to take us to what they called Turtle Town.

And did they get us there, honey? Well, they took us to what they called Turtle Town, but was there a turtle in sight? Not a one. Not a one. There was not a one turtle in sight, nor was there like literally any fish. Like maybe like a sardine or an anchovy, whatever.

But there were no fish to be seen. It was empty of the fish. And Turtle Town, I guess they got COVID first because they were on lockdown, man. There were no turtles. Damn. In 2018? Damn.

There were no turtles in Turtle Town. You heard it here first. COVID spread first in Turtle Town. You know what there was a lot of there? Angrily kicking tourists. Because that was the thing I remember. More than the lack of fish and turtles was just how everyone's little snorkel fins

were on top of each other, on top of me. It was just a miserable experience. Turtle Town was no good. That's probably why there were no turtles because it was just filled with the- Right. Hundreds and hundreds of tourists just kicking and screaming. Yeah.

Turtle seeking tourists in Turtle Town. Turtle seeking tourists in Turtle Town. There's a long tongue twister. And it just, it didn't work out. So Turtle Town was a bust. Then we go back to the hotel after Turtle Town and our hotel was very hip and cool. And you couldn't get a spot even at the pool.

So many people at the cool pool after Turtle Town. What else sucked in Maui? Okay. Then they told me, they, the people, the people that hype Maui up like, whoa, they told me that I would be able to see a crazy amount of stars. Yes.

If we went to the top of Haleakala, which is the tallest mountain on Maui. And we were both so excited like, yeah. Were you excited? Yeah. Cause we couldn't even like, we saw some stars in Bora Bora, the previous leg of our honeymoon. Oh, but it was like a moon, there was moon light pollution.

The moon light, the moon was too bright. It was. The moon totally was too bright. There was moon light pollution in Bora Bora. But like- We were ready. Like let me just say it, by the time we went to Maui, we were ready to see some shit.

Honestly, we wanted to see the Milky Way. And this tour hyped it up hard. Right. We go up to the top of Haleakala. It's, I want to say 13,000 feet in altitude. And they brought what they said was the strongest telescope on Maui with them to see the stars. And they had pictures of like planets and stars.

It was like incredible. And I was hype. Looks pretty great. I was, so what happens is you arrive at like, I don't know, whatever time, like maybe like five PM or something. And you meet the group at the bottom of Haleakala. And then you drive up an hour. And at some point they stopped maybe at like 10,000 feet or so.

They provided winter gear because it was so cold up there that they gave you like snow jackets and snow pants and all that. June, just so it is. Yeah, it was in the 80s, if not maybe 90 during the day. And it got cold in that dang mountain. But like, yeah, the altitude was pretty cold. So you finally get up to the top of the mountain when it's sunset. And we get up to the top of the mountain

after literally like over two hours of like- It's a trek. Doing an excursion and just sitting in like a van full of strangers like silently like, can't wait to see these stars. And we get up to the top and it is thick gray. You can't see the sun. Let alone stars for the sunset. So our tour guide or whatever is like checking tour maps and stuff like-

Or you know, whatever they call it, weather maps and stuff like that. Trying to figure out like, oh, it's supposed to clear. It's not. So we wait up there like maybe an hour and a half. The sun has very clearly set at some point. And you can't see anything like the clouds are so thick. And she was like, well, I could send you guys a PowerPoint of pictures of what it should look like.

That's real. Just incredible. That was when I knew after Total Town and after the hotel and after the stargazing or lack thereof, that was when I knew. Maui, you're out to get me. And then it got worse. So just a little bit. Here's the thing is that I do want to provide some perspective.

It's not like anybody died. It's not like I understand that this is not horrible. It's not like, I mean, the turtles did cause COVID. And I think we should unveil that. We need to stop gatekeeping that information. The turtles got COVID in Turtle Town before anybody else knew about it. But Maui is like, it's an innocent hatred. It's not.

I understand what I'm saying. I never got that PowerPoint, by the way. She never even sent me the PowerPoint. That's true. She never, like, she never sent me that PowerPoint. Would have loved to have seen those stars even in a fucking PowerPoint. Even in a highly compressed JPEG, just would have loved to have seen what we missed. She also said she was going to give us a 50% return.

Oh, that never happened. But we never got that. But also, I never requested it because she's a small business owner, whatever. But that was expensive. It was like 200 bucks a person to go up there and see nothing. So any Hoosers. And then there was the Rotahana. The fucking road to Hanna.

Everybody hyped. Everyone. Mother fucking road to Hanna. So hard. Everybody hypes it up. They do warn you. They say you're not going to have any cell service. And it is a full and I mean full.

Like we're not talking like six hours. We're talking like eight, 10, 12 hour trip. Block off those hours if you're ever doing the road to Hanna. Off the entire day. Where to start? We downloaded this app. We paid money for an app. Yes.

Which no one does anymore. It's somehow like connected to the GPS that even without cell service, it was able to detect our location. In hindsight, that was kind of cool. Yeah. So basically along the way on the road to Hanna, it would like ping right. On your right or whatever like based on your location. Yeah.

They would be able to describe certain things to you of like here is like a eucalyptus farm thing. I don't fucking know. There were farms. There were a lot of gardens. Gardens. Gardens. Yeah. Or there were like, there were a lot of beaches.

A lot of volcanic rock beaches. Black sand beaches. Red sand beaches. All that jazz. Oh, there was also probably another fucking turtle town on the road to Hanna. It was a goddamn turtle town. Okay. So the road to Hanna also is very treacherous in that it is extremely windy, very like natural.

So like you literally like can't go faster than like 20 miles per hour at the most. Like and that's like speeding. I would say on average, you're probably going like 10 to 15 to maybe 20 in like a good area. But like power walking speed. Yeah. That's why it takes so long because it's super windy and it's scary and it's very natural. Oh, there's also like they hyped up all the waterfalls. They did.

Oh, I forgot about the waterfalls. Oh my God, the fucking waterfalls. Okay. Right. This is the road to Hanna is the bane of my existence. Okay. The road to Hanna haunts my thoughts to this day. So Jack film and I after turtle town and after what felt like disappointment after

disappointment and I felt like the island was actually angry at me even though I hadn't stolen any rocks from it. That's right. You didn't pull over any bunch. I had stolen a single rock from it. We were quite good about that. I don't know why it was so mad at me. It didn't matter.

The gods had cursed us. The gods were mad at me for some reason. Well, I literally the morning that we were going to leave for the road to Hanna. I sat up and I stared at the wall. I am not kidding for no less than like 30 minutes because I knew my stupid spoiled dumb ass needed an attitude adjustment and she needed an attitude adjustment like yesterday. It's your dang honeymoon, babe. But I was like, all right, I'm going to get it together.

Yeah. This is going to be good. Lean it. We're going to have fun. Right. We're going to have a good time. We're going to see some great shit. It's the road to Hanna.

We are going on the fucking road to Hanna. And so we went and so we went. Let me tell you a little bit about the road to Hanna. We're still on that damn road. Do you want to pull over and see that waterfall that's on the side of the road? Well, good luck because there's 10 cars behind you. All the parking spots off on the side of the road are taken up. Every time, every time, all of them.

And there's nowhere to park. There's nowhere to stop. You can't see those waterfalls. I hope you get a good look when you're going five miles an hour as you drive by. Get the cameras ready. Because you're not going to be able to stop on the side of the road. Next, you know that eucalyptus garden and the eucalyptus rainbow trees that they're really hyping up in the garden?

I have seen more nature in Pennsylvania than I saw in that eucalyptus rainbow garden. It's true though. It is very hyped up. It was a field of grass and trees. Yep. Yep. I remember walking through saying like, oh, wait, is this what they were talking about? It was a field of grass and trees.

That's it. It was grass and trees. But it's a famous field of grass and trees. Do you think Maui is going to further curse me because of me spiting it right now? Yeah, they might. It might. On the airwaves? It's this bad juju you're leaving, bad energy, bad vibes.

You know what? Maybe next episode, we should say a prayer to Maui and ask for forgiveness. A Maui and prayer. I'm for it. Did Maui curse me with COVID? Like, I didn't get COVID, but like the experience. Listeners, let us know in the comments below if Maui cursed my wife. You're going to hear your Maui thoughts.

I didn't steal any rocks. We didn't. We were very good at that. I didn't steal any rocks. I don't understand. And then along the road, just to add. By the way, there's also no food. There's no food.

That's not true. Well, there was that one stop on the way back there. I think on the way back, I was going to say, I was going to say, hey, silver lining, babe. We got a sick ass shot glass out of that Road to Hana trip. It's still on my collection shelf. I don't even remember that. I think I was like seeing red. Oh, I think so too.

That like I, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. So the Road to Hana app that we had purchased, they had like five like ding stops. They were like must see. Right. So they were like the little like, these are the waterfalls. And then they have the like, oh, these are like the three bears or something. Right. There was like little bear, mama bear and big bear or whatever.

Right. It was like, they had five ding stops. So like these are the must see attractions that you need to get out of your car and see. I'll never forget. So one was that fucking eucalyptus garden thing that I was like, uh, literally, I've seen, it was grass. It was grass. I don't get it.

What is happening? I literally feel like gaslit. Yeah. Stop girl bossing gaslighting. They fucking girl bossed you before or gaslit you before it was a fucking thing. So the next stop was right after that damn eucalyptus garden thing. It was literally like five minutes on the road and it was some like, I forget what they called it, but it was some like, oh, this is where you'll see the bright blue sea crash upon the black

volcanic rocks. And it's so magical to see the crashing of the ocean on the rocks and the contrasting colors. And we stopped. We didn't even get out of the car. And I was like, it looks like anything that you'd see. Like in Jersey to be, I don't know. Like looks like Jersey, Santa Monica, I don't know. But it's different because it's Hawaii.

Like, honest, I was like, uh, okay. I'm not going to get out of my car for this because I'm confused as to what they're trying to say. So then we go to the black sand beach. Here we go. This was the turning point literally and figuratively for me. This was another ding spot about, I would say like maybe three quarters of the way to Hannah itself. Like, so you're like almost there.

We've been in the car at this point for like four or five hours. That's right. Yeah. And we have finally arrived at the black sand beach for anybody who's never seen black sand. Let me just tell you this. It's not sand. It is black, but it's not sand. It has the texture of dirt.

Okay. It is more like, or rocks. So it's either rocks or dirt. It's more like gravel and soil as opposed to like sand that you're probably thinking of. In my head, prior to this, I think of like that magnetic sand that they sell at like Brookstone or whatever. Like it's like, and it's black and it's like cool and it's like, oh, that's like, it's like luxurious almost.

You have this image of like luxurious sand. It is not that. It's dirt. It is dirt or rocks. I remember the more soil like textures of it. It is dirt and rocks. Okay. So we go to the first off.

It takes us literally over 20 minutes to get a parking spot. Oh my God. That's right. At the black sand beach. Oh, that was awful. Because it was packed. This place is Disney world of the road to Hannah. You remember so much more than I do.

But it's all tracks. This I'm scarred. I'm scarred. So after selling our first three born children to, you know, a family for their parking spot, we finally park and this place is a tourist hot spot, which we already knew. But not only not only was worse, it was worse. It was worse than you could have expected. They sold this thing is like, it is amazing.

There are black sand beaches and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You've never seen anything like it. Yes. There were people that literally had brought boogie boards to the black sand beach and were treating this thing like it was the fucking Jersey Shore. Yeah. There was no nature. There's nothing special about it.

There was no because they were people that were just like literally trying to like just like lay on the beach as though it was like a regular fucking beach. It looked like Ocean City. It looked like Ocean City. You know what I mean? There was no landmark here. People were treating it as though we could have been throwing our beer cans in the ocean. Like who gives a shit?

We're all just lounging around and playing on the beach. And like I don't even know how to describe like where I was with like in my mind. I was just like every single thing that we've done on this island feels like a tourist trap. Everything was disappointment. No the entire island. The entire thing. Well there was one thing that we did that was actually quite fun. The magic show.

But that was a tourist trap but it was meant to be a tourist trap. Oh I loved it. That was the best day. So the entire island is disguised as a natural landmark but the entire thing is a tourist trap. It's devious. If I knew it was like I that's why I'm like I'd rather go to Disney World because at least that knows it's a tourist trap. You know what you're getting.

It's not this there's no disguise. I'm not being told. They're not trying to be something else. Yes it is a tourist trap. Road to Hanna you are trapped. So I literally tears in my eyes. We couldn't even finish it. We couldn't even finish the road to Hanna.

I tell Jack I say if you have to go to the bathroom go to the bathroom now. I'm not stopping on the way home. We are driving straight back to the hotel. There's no stops. I'm done with the road to Hanna. We didn't even get to Hanna and I said I'm done here. I'm done. I'm done.

This whole island hates me and it's a tourist trap trying to disguise itself as a natural landmark. Which sucks because I hear that there's like a pot of gold at the end of the road to Hanna. That's we never got to see it which I don't think I don't think I missed anything. I don't think you did either baby. No I guess it's the bad time to tell you that. Surprise I got us one way tickets to Maui. This is also like in addition to the just the inconvenience factor of like if you wanted to drink any alcohol at all you need ubers everywhere but nothing is close to anything.

So like make sure to like bring a big budget for an uber because you're gonna have to uber everywhere. Side note did we uber anywhere on Maui? We ubered everywhere on Maui. We did okay. The only thing that we did we drove to Turtle Town or like the boat to Turtle Town. Right. And we drove to the road to Hanna.

Road to Hanna yeah we weren't we weren't drinking that obvi. Anywho long story short recommend Maui it's beautiful it's if you want to be one with nature you can't do much better than Maui. I will say the best thing we did on Maui was this magic show. That we went to in Lahaina. It was like about an hour plus maybe away from where. Yeah it was a trek. We stayed down in I don't remember the southwest side of the island.

Wailea we stayed in Wailea. Good one. But Lahaina which is on the northwest side there is this place and I think it's pretty famous because I found it on all the tourist website stuff but it's a magic show and experience. They have dinner and cocktails and stuff like that. It was so fun. It was it was the only yeah it was the only cool good thing. About Maui so if you're going to go to Maui if you're dragged there by somebody or something

go to that magic show if you like magic. If you like magic who doesn't like magic you don't like magic you don't have a soul. If you don't like magic you don't like fun. Right agreed agreed if you're too cool for magic you can just shit the fuck up. Yeah this was such a cool experience because it was close up magic right in front of us so we happened to be in the front row of this show. I think because you know it was our honeymoon I think somehow like you know we had told them or like they had the info that it was our honeymoon.

The close-up magic was insane. At some point they made Aaron's engagement ring appear in a walnut. I don't know how they did it. I don't know I have no idea to this day how they did it. Like they cracked it open and everything and there's her fucking ring it was so cool. It was it was cool. I love it and I obsessed over like magic like I obsessed over anything you know magic trick related I watched pen and tellers fool us I grew up watching David Copperfield David Blaine

Lance Burton all of these name dropping but I did back when hey remember when like magic had specials on television in the 90s and ohs I watched all of them of course you did like I know how to like I palm cards you know how to like you know bottom deal whatever all that shit bragging double lift I know this shit I did not know how the close-up magician in Hawaii made my wife's engagement ring appear in a walnut but he did and I was mind blown and we bought a DVD we bought the DVD the guy was selling his own DVDs for like 20 bucks a pop or something I was like you were so you were so polite like you did I liked the guy I thought he did a great job he did an amazing job so I was gonna of course

support his small business we should watch it one of these days we did watch it remember it was good it was cooler being in person if you go to Maui if you're dragged it doesn't be yeah yeah honestly yeah in person magic is hard to beat go to this magic shop thingy magic experience it was awesome in Lahaina L-A-H-A-I-N-A Lahaina um there will be a quiz later yeah it's on the northwest side of the island but also more than a actually you know what this is even a hot take guys this is not a hot take this is a PSA hmm this is a public service announcement what a shift this is a public service announcement to be aware that Maui is overrated and these are the things that they don't tell you about Maui there are no turtles in Turtletown do not be fooled

no matter how many times they tell you just this is our warning all right be warned that's what a PSA is for you go to Maui you can go to Maui just be warned say we didn't warn you yeah I warned you also if you want to actually see like nature and stuff like you could also go to Pennsylvania that's fine too you don't need to take like three planes to get to like a place for nature that's all that's all apparently the lush environments of Pennsylvania rivaled out of Maui I'm not dude I'm just saying Jersey I've you know what I've seen nature in Jersey too I'll bet you have they don't have black sand but they've got rocks just like Maui does and they've got rocks just like Maui does okay and the Maui water that turquoise water they were like claiming to have I don't

remember it that way I sure don't remember it that way I remember it being like not brown but I don't remember the black and turquoise contrast we saw our turquoise and it sure as shit wasn't a Maui no no no no it wasn't I will say this like a year and a half later we went to Hawaii again except this time we went to Honolulu and I gotta tell you I had a blast in Honolulu go figure Honolulu there was no magic in Honolulu that we saw so anyway do not be fooled by what they try to sell you about Maui just go to Honolulu we're gonna hear so many complaints from people saying you think Honolulu is better than Maui Honolulu is the tourist trap I don't give a shit yeah we get it hey we know no but Honolulu doesn't disguise itself that's true anything

other than like hey that's very true you want a Sephora we've got a Sephora bam we spent way too long in that Sephora but we went there it was awesome honestly that was like a great trip Honolulu was awesome I got a manicure I got a pedicure it was great it was awesome sell the Backstreet Boys sell the Backstreet Boys we had a good time in Honolulu I had the best time I had to go back are you kidding I'd go back I'd go back in like four seconds yeah they had like amazing like coconut cream cake they did remember yeah I do oh it was amazing all right we'll be back yeah Honolulu was the best skip Maui I mean or don't but no no skip it that's the whole point also if you're there just like tell Maui that like I am sorry for whatever I did to it I don't

know what I did something but it's you piss off the Maui guys it's mad at me all right everybody it is time you don't mean I do I do mean I do mean it is Leo season but it's Leo season but it's Leo season and we do need to celebrate on their behalf horoscope remember that time you like didn't know like anybody that was like in your life at all by photos like you like literally couldn't place them oh honey that show was weeks ago it must suck to have face blindness it's so embarrassing there are dozens what it what an embarrassing condition to have someday this footage will be used to cancel you Leo this Leo is back again that's right we're back and we're backer than ever you hear that zodiac

we are the backest anyone's ever been and we're ready to back that thing up back in our day we used to get backed but now we are back and back we are backstreet boys are gonna wish they were as back as we are then mo us at Leo's are back and back for good we accept crypto too that's very progressive why do you think they're against the backstreet boys I gotta say feuding with the backstreet boys that's bold that's bold that's hard that's bold it has to be for clout because he was more clout than the backstreet boys name one you can't can't you no I can't in sync is disbanded JT won't even answer their calls JT won't even yeah he's way too cool for in sync damn Leo all right I'll pay Paul you guys wow you seem like a good crowd Leo's back be warned your next uber driver

will ask you deeply personal questions been there like how much did your pants cost and do you remember your first funeral and how many bowel movements have you had this month who keeps track of months and can I play you my latest song it's kind of fire and here's a picture my daughter do you think she's hot and check out this new song I've been working on it's a fusion of techno and louder techno and I noticed you didn't answer me when I asked you about my hot daughter is something wrong it's weird because like I'm not a Virgo uh-huh but like I feel like that happens to me the deeply personal questions in a new all the time sure like how many times has somebody asked me how much my pants cost I literally lost count I know it's wild wild wild wild

Libra Libra Libra Pobreba Banana Fanta Pobreba thank you for joining us today we are delighted that you are here in fact we got you a gift that gift is the gift a gab you won't be able to stop speaking today Libra in fact you're gonna spill every secret you know not just your own secrets but your closest compadres as well you're gonna tell your uncle Lionel that you know he steals the ketchup packets from iHop you're gonna tell Tommy from stat class that his roommate has been secretly sabotaging him by putting nair in his shampoo and you're finally going to tell your dad that mom has been cheating on him since you were in the fourth grade wow way to go Libra way to tear apart every relationship you've ever had at least you get two Christmases now solid ending

way to stick the landing there sounds like Libra's got it made man I've always wanted two Christmases not the expense of like my parents you know divorcing but like what does sound kind of cool Christmas is my favorite one Scorpio do not read today's Garfield it's weirdly on the nose and will make you cry okay here it is Garfield is snarling down a vat of lasagna just going to then John's girlfriend yeah he has a girlfriend now and has had one since 2006 enters the room and sobs there's no third panel for whatever reason this comic really hits a nerve with you oh god you're crying now aren't you what a little bitch Garfield's not even funny i'm more of a dunesbury guy oh wow wow what a snob who's a dunesbury guy is it dunesbury the

one where they dress up like medieval characters no that's heck are the horrible dunesbury is like one of those comic strips that has way too many words in it like it gets way too talking it's like brah you're a comic strip very political is that i'm sorry are you crying right now fuck you no i'm a dunesbury guy not garfield guy shit shut the fuck up you don't even know Sagittarius why do you continue to torture us with your existence last week it was the god awful pizza incident this week you're going around bragging about it you even made a youtube video titled eight pizza off the ground and now i'm toothless and dying what in the clout chasing is that i guess it worked though because you're gonna get an invitation to join leo on a yacht

in a visa this week oh just remember to get your parents permission and don't forget to pack your dentures i just like the pizza incident i'm so happy for Sagittarius like that's such a big leap you know what i mean leo like how many people get invited to leo's i can count them on one hand yacht and by the way i'm not talking about leo i'm talking about leo yeah no i hear i know i know leo um don't tell me headphones dino bones no no no people born between the months of july oh leo leo's leo i'm not talking about leo i'm talking about leo my bad how embarrassing that's so exciting like to hang out with leo's during leo season nonetheless that's better honestly i want to be on that yacht i'm pretty sure he was born between july and august uh dumb question for

listeners who don't know where's a visa again i totally know can you just like a light narrow listeners you don't know where a visa is i don't know i totally do it's just our listeners where's a visa again spain like it's an island off there you go listeners you're welcome so i love a visa capricorn before i read this next horoscope jack uh can i just admit a personal truth to you go ahead i'm kind of obsessed with the hit tv show rick and morty wow i know for years you've been trying to get me to watch it i have and i've always stubbornly refused like a true jackass but it's time i let you in on a little secret oh i've been binging it over the last week watching no fewer than five episodes a day i'm so proud and you know what i can feel myself

getting smarter that's awesome my iq is off the charts i understand complex scientific principles now and even dabble in string theory no shit and it's time i offer you a formal apology jack oh babe i'm sorry i never gave this wonderful show a chance sorry jack just tried to grab my hand i did and i slapped him away what a classic fool i was from this day on i vow to watch every new episode with you and then watch it again to make sure we can get all the fun science references okay back to the horoscope you will get a tummy ache oh that's a cool horoscope but baby you didn't have to like sneak in that whole apology shit i mean i graciously accept but if you want to watch rick and morty with me nothing would make me happier you know it has been years you have

been very like a mule stubborn so stubborn but look if that's something you want to do with me um then i say we start tonight and we just go into the the rick and morty uh i'm much too tired tonight to do that we'll have to do it another time another time a rain check then but speaking of belly aches or tummy aches yes i want you to read the next horoscope aquarius your mama's your mama's so big that astronomers think there's gonna be a meteor shower tonight but actually

your mom is just really gassy and when we fart little microscopic pieces of poop come out with it and the meteors are actually just those little pieces of poop but your mom is so big that they are the size of meteors see doesn't doesn't feel good to be fat shamed does it hope you hope you learned your lesson and that your mom finds yourself some pep though or something oh my god i love the explanation in the middle and then in the middle of it again there were like two explanations of it that was awesome that was great that was a really cool multifaceted uh your mama be fat joke that was great if the gods if the gods could just only write uh your mama

jokes for the rest of those zodiacs that would be fucking cool that's it i don't care about emotional intelligence i just want every horoscope to begin with your mama's so fat and then go on a tangent explaining the fucking joke that was incredible honey treat joseph go to your local coffee shop and get a fun flavorful drink because you deserve it life's been tough lately so take this opportunity to reward yourself and have a solo coffee date but be warned the barista will ask you deeply personal questions like how many zits is too many zits who did you vote for in the last four elections can you guess your age and blood type and when is the hardest you've ever cried and here's a picture of my daughter if you had to

rate her from one to ten with ten being too hot to handle and one being a steaming pile of ugly what would you rate her i think she's a comfortable seven but i want to hear your take watch out pisces that barista be invasive dude damn they have to watch out they really do everybody is like being like maybe it's like because of like after covid everybody's just like weird you know sure no one knows how to talk anymore so they're asking these invasive asked questions like what's your pants size you know and yeah and is my daughter hot is my daughter hot can you rate my daughter one out of ten yeah i hear that all the time it's like dude i don't want to rate your daughter want to rate your wife right at least that's acceptable husband anyone son not your

yeah like anybody daughter aries a big bill is coming your way aries and it's time to pay the piper to make matters even worse this bill has a penchant for those delicious uncrustables not sponsored and nobody is going to believe you i'm so sorry better luck next week what a lovely reference what a what a callback to that uncrustables loving bill bill murray a big bill is coming your way aries that was oh i missed that i miss oh my god that went over my head completely a big bill yeah a big bill is coming your way now i got it god damn it that insatiable murray oh i'm so mad i thought you got me pretty good i did not see that coming i love i love the ones

that i can't see coming good job gods in the sky hey we we are vessels we are vessels we we don't know we don't know we don't do the telling we don't know what we're saying we just do the wrestling yeah okay all right they tell us we the messengers don't hate the messenger hate the game they tell we vessel okay your horoscope a real good horoscope and this one's juicy all right yep reading your horoscope it's a big one a big horoscope a real good one got your horoscope right here man oh man this horoscope's nuts you're gonna hear it and go wow here's your horoscope your horoscope of the week your big bad horoscope it's just man it's a good one can i tell you about this horoscope you are gonna love it this

horoscope it's got just what you need i'm jealous this isn't my horoscope what a good one so here it is here's your horoscope all aboard the horoscope train next stop horoscope town population your horoscope this one's a doozy i hope you're sitting down open wide for your horoscope oh i just dropped it okay i picked it back up okay here it is you will feel bloaty hey cool wow god i was on pins and needles that whole time i'm glad they know glad those toruses out there no you kind of stalled a little bit there i don't know why i did that but no it works all right six six six six gemini glad to see you've gotten your head out of your ass gemini because we've got work to do leo is making threats against the

backstreet boys and they must be stopped shit the backstreet boys is the only good thing left in this world and i got concert tickets for june 2022 that was already postponed once and i won't let it be delayed again did you know that at every show nick carter throws his soft sweat rag and half drunken water bottle into the crowd for screaming fans to catch so that they can absorb his bodily fluids yum yum i must be one of the lucky ones that gets to soak up his fluids next time shit is about to go down in leo season if it's the last thing we do guys this is not a declaration of war we need to band together we need to infiltrate leo season we need to get to the bottom of what they are trying to attempt i don't like it i won't stand for it because all that

shit about nick carter is totally true yeah it's only we having been to multiple shows in the pit yeah i don't know how the gods knew that but like i don't either that's why we've seen it first hand first hand where he throws his sweaty ass sweat rag this is real by the way into the crowd and he'll drink like half of a bottle of water and then throw that into the crowd too so that people it's a nick carter staple dude in covid times no less it is uh it's like honoring the crowd with his bodily fluids and um we we can't stop it we need to infiltrate sabotage leo season we need to sabotage leo season yeah i don't really give a shit what else they're trying to attempt all i care is that they do not stop the backstreet boys from performing at the hollywood bowl in

june of 2022 cancer love is finally coming your way throw out that stack of porno mags log off the pornhub premium cancel your only fan subscriptions unsubscribe from those twitch cam girls deflate your blow up dolls return your mail order brides throw your vibrators down the disposal this is why we are e for for ernie no not for ernie how long you're going off script delete the good stuff from your hard drives oh shit wait i'm sorry wrong zodiac sign shit yeah love is actually not coming your way for a while um retrieve that stack of porno mags uh signed back into your pornhub premium renew your only fan subscriptions resubscribe to those twitch cam girls inflate your blow

up dolls reorder your mail order brides carefully pull out your vibrators from the disposal reinstall the good stuff to your hard drives carry on cancers with all of that shit cancer is gonna have a good month i'm just saying honestly that was a good month good year i would say crisis no nay nay good month oh god good year good good decade decade good century that's right good millennium good universe i learned i i picked up on you there you go cancer's in for a good time guys and that's that that's what i just threw my phone to the ground our teleprompter i don't know why because you're a cancer what are you mad at you're gonna have a good universe i already threw out my porno mags though you can retrieve them we just we just no that's what the gods told us no

they're long gone you're long gone damn damn well that's our show thank you so much for joining us for our sace episode that's right of uh dr erin is the funny one um how about erin is the how about erin is the doctor one i love that erin is the doctor one thank you so much for joining us for our sixth episode of erin is the doctor one it was such a blast hanging out i am now a doctor you are all honorary doctorates it was amazing i can't wait to update my resume and my credentials and get paid more as a result and and and we got to finally prove that jack's films has face blindness this is a breakthrough discovery and finally we are respected individuals in our industry yeah everyone but me i respected so much our reputation stands another day thank you so much

for joining next week we are going to prove that dr erin is evil evil i'll conduct that test until next time everyone also dr erin now has the ability to beep beep beep beep beep beep beep she can actually hear dogs thoughts so whoa not only is it if dogs could talk yeah it's if dogs could thought oh so stay tuned we are coming back i'm in with if dogs could thought next week thank you so much for joining us if you know how to pronounce the st e in like shut toe stay no stay shut toe Michelle please tell us no it's if you know how please inform us please i am most active on twitter uh you can reach out to me at two toes up that's the number two toes up toes that are on our feet up as in the direction i read most of my mentions

at least a few times a week very much appreciated can't wait to hang out again and we're gonna get that hotline soon because i want to figure it out i want to hear from you guys same we're gonna figure that out have a great week be good godspeed and we'll talk to you next week till next time guys