Erin is the Funny One - Ernie is the Funny One

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

Jack quizzes Erin on her US Presidents and pitches an Alf reboot. Erin starts the Coalition of Mario and gives advice to listeners heading off to college this fall. Also, If Dogs Could Talk! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Welcome back dear listeners to another episode of Aaron is the funny one I of course am your co-host Jack Douglas joining me as always. Well not as always because I'm actually new here. Aaron wasn't feeling very funny this week so I am standing in her place my name is Ernie Burslin and I am here as the guest co-host this week and I am so happy to be here. I didn't know we were doing those already. Alright our first guest co-host. Hey when nature calls. Welcome Ernie. Thank you Burslin. Jackfilm. What are your expectations of this podcast today Ernie? Actually the bar is set pretty low. I don't have a whole

lot of expectations for you. Aaron did leave me a note that laid out some of the things that I should expect and there was only one thing and that was don't expect a lot so. Aaron nailed that by the way. She is right on the money there. She usually is. Well Ernie good to have you. Thank you. Now I have a few things I want to discuss today with you but first as always I think we should discuss the wine we're having as we have yet another new bottle of wine. You know I did hear that this was the thing that you guys did. The wine of the week. Yes the wine of the week and let me tell you Ernie about this wine of the week. This

week we have a lovely Pino gris. I think it's just gris. I think it's French. I'm terrible at this. So like the way that the T is silent and Pino the S I think is I think you only pronounce the S if it's followed by another word. Oh that's interesting. French does that where they put S on like the end of words but like you only pronounce the S if it's then followed by another word I think like like Les Miserables. Oh my god yes. But like you'd say Les Miserables like whatever I don't like whatever. You would pronounce the S if it were followed by another word I think. So this is simply Pino gris. Pino gris. Well it's delightful. It's just a

white wine for those who are curious. It is white. It's a 2020 Pino gris again. Great year. Well. And Jack, Jackfield how much does a Pino gris from 2020 from Jay Vineyards and winery? How much does that uh how much would that put it put it how much how much what. Let me save you. My god let me throw you a lifeboat. You want to throw me a lifeboat? A whole boat yeah. A raft's not going to cut it. Let me throw you a lifesaver here hun. This bottle will set you back quite a bit. This is one of our pricier bottles dear listeners. I think this will set you back a cool 13 Washington's. I think is Washington on the one dollar bill? Oh my god wow yeah. Is he? Who'd you think? I don't

know. I guess I never paid attention. I don't know. Well like it makes sense because like Washington is like the first so like the number one. Yeah. But also like Washington is like the first so you'd think he'd be on like a more important one like 100. Pop quiz hot shot. Who's on the penny? Lincoln. Who's on the nickel? Dude I haven't held change in like two years. I literally haven't used actual cash in a year and a half. I can't even think Benjamin Franklin what what am I is it right? It's not right. Okay I'm just gonna is it Thomas Jefferson? I believe the correct answer is Thomas Jefferson. Wait do you even you don't even know. I'm double checking but I'm pretty sure it's Thomas Jefferson on the nickel. Who's on the dime? Who's on the dime? There's no

way to know. There's no way to know. Nobody will ever be able to know who's on the dime. I don't know. I think it's Washington again. Is Washington on the dime? It's not Washington. Wait who's on the nickel? Did we ever confirm? Who did you say was on the nickel? Which one? Uh Jefferson. Jefferson it's correct. Okay okay wait okay dime. There's a person on the dime? There is a person on the dime and to be fair I James Madison would not have gotten it right. It's not James Madison. Someone a bit more recent than Madison. Kennedy. Same century. For real? Yes. The dime. Little earlier than Kennedy but same century. FDR. FDR? No way. Yeah. Dude I would never no no never have I ever known that that side face now that you're showing me a picture of what a dime is I had no

idea that that was FDR. Honestly I didn't know. Aaron would know. Don't you dare don't you dare you're gonna fall you're gonna fall back to that throughout this episode aren't you? Who's on the quarter? Ben Franklin. Wait close. Do you even know you don't even know? Yes I do. Is it Thomas Jefferson again? No he's not on two different coins. He's a big one. Everyone knows this one. Washington? Washington. No see this is what I mean. They have duplicates. They've got duplicates and it's confusing. We need a broader diversification of our historical leaders on currency okay. That's why you got me all tripped up because I'm just I'm trying to diversify. Oh look at you being so progressive. Yeah I'm trying to think about your ledge you know your real ledge. I'm just

trying to think about how we could be doing it better. Who's on the five dollar bill? Thomas Jefferson. Okay I'll cut you there. I'm sorry. I wonder how many listeners are just fuming right now. Honestly is this stuff people know? Susan B Anthony I have no idea. Sadie Hawkins. She's on the five dollar bill. Sadie Hawkins. Ruth Bader Ginsburg I don't know. She's on the 20 yeah. QE2. QE2. She's on the 50 actually. Okay. They just moved her. She deserves it. All right so why did the week? Oh I just blacked out for a second. Jay Vineyards and Winery. They have a lovely Pinot Gris. Where is it from Jack? It's from Jay Vineyards and Winery. It's from California. It's from California. Allegedly. One of the top 50 states in our nation. We're hitting at the bottom 50

right now actually. If you think about it you know what I mean? I ain't touching that one. Anywho it's a lovely wine. It was even though this is my episode this week my selfish wife changed the wine but I picked it because I wanted to stop blocking but that's fine. It's Jay Vineyards and Winery. I picked it just for you. Oh because of the Jay? Because of the Jay. Shit that's actually really thoughtful. Thanks sweetheart. Gosh. I'm sorry Ernie. Wow pearls before swine I guess. Listen I know I'm married to my wife Erin but Ernie. Yes. Do you want to go out sometime? Maybe. Okay we'll talk later. Gross. This is gross. So that's wine of the week. Yay. Hold on I'm stalling to get to the next segment. So here's the deal. I have stuff planned for this podcast. Before we

get to the meat of the podcast I have more podcast reviews. Oh my gosh wait really? Yes. More people. Did my dad leave a review? My dad told me he was going to try to figure out how to leave a review and so now every time we record I literally think to myself what is my dad going to think about what I'm saying right now? Sure that's got to be a fun voice in your head. It is it's cool it's super cool. Very chill. But my dad is an android user. I will not do that. But like he's a fellow android user. He obviously can't leave written reviews on Apple podcast. But he said he was going to try to figure it out. Okay well I applaud that gumption but I have reviews that. So wait are they not for my dad? Well we'll find out maybe.

Okay. In no order these are reviews left by people on Apple podcast for our podcast. Erin is the funny one. Love that. Five stars. Great yes. Had my attention from the get-go. Entertaining from both Erin and her weird cousin. Oh that's great thank you. Shit. Thank you monkey man 38. Lovingly written. Monkey man 38. Thank you so much. My weird cousin needed more hobbies and I promise that his I promise his mom that I would try to get him more involved in like activities and stuff and here we are. So thank you for listening. My mom your aunt. That's right. Because of cousins. That's right exactly. Five stars. Very good. These two girl bosses are awesome. Okay not sure how I feel about that just because once again. You don't want to

be a girl boss. Well there's nothing wrong with being a girl boss. Hell no I'm one allegedly. But like I'm gonna try to gate keep you from taking credit for being a girl boss because you're not a girl boss. Well don't do that. I feel like you're trying to invalidate the wage gap. Okay. Listener she's trying to take away my girl boss card. I'm trying to gate keep it. Okay. I don't know if you get a girl boss card. I'm not sure you're deserving of the girl boss card. I will say you girl bosses love to gaslight and gate keep so that's very on par with you. You know I did see a tiktok today about a gate keeping girl boss. You did you showed me it today. All right next up next review. Oh this is good. Five stars written by Golden Girls official.

Yes. Subject this is your fault. This podcast is rated explicit so mom won't let me listen. Not cool Johnson a zero out of 10. But you already gave us the five stars so we're gonna take those stars. Thank you very much. I once again yeah we talk about super explicit things here. But that doesn't mean we should be rated explicit you know. It's just not fair sometimes. Like why can't I talk about super explicit things without being rated explicit. It's a good point. Gosh. This podcast is rated E for this. Aaron no Ernie. It's rated E for Ernie. For Ernie. Damn it. Wait it's rated E for Ernie body. Ew. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody liked that pun. Everybody loved it. There's the crowds. They're cheering right now. There are no crowds. There is

no cheering. That's deafening how loud they're clapping right now. I will not be lied to on my podcast. Next review. Five stars. Great podcast but very horny. I like this show but the girl host did a princess toadstool voice which is my kink. So instead of getting a listen to cool people give advice I just got indescribably horny. This is what you can't say the H word. This is why this is why we're rated E for Ernie. No it's because of the disgusting subject matter that you keep bringing up. You're always like let's go back to our sex positive chat. Stop. Stop saying the S word. Stop it. That's you. Stop it. You're saying the S word and the H word. Get your filth off of my show. God my prude ass is like shriveled up right now. Okay. You're making it worse.

Next up. Five stars. Subject. Honka honka awoo ga. What are they learn that from? Tips fedora. Now this is a stellar podcast from a lady. Oh my god. What have you done to the audience? Can I just say I fucking love any of that neck beard shit. I love that. I eat it up. It's hilarious to me still. More more more. Spoken like a real male wife. That's right. Hell yeah. Is male wife the new neck beard? Is that what we're saying? Maybe. I'm down for that. I don't subscribe to it but whatever. Five stars. This podcast has helped me blossom from a girl boss into a woman CEO. Oh I love that. You've made it out of middle management. That's every woman's dream. Congratulations. Now you get to delegate every single piece of work that you do and you

don't actually have to do any work at all. You have already paid your dues and now you get paid to sit there and just read Reddit and Twitter and Facebook all day long for many dollars more than any of your delegates work for. Congratulations but guess what honey be careful. You're still making at least 10% less than the the the guy that's doing it so. Honey be careful. You almost fell off your soapbox there. It's slippery sometimes. Yeah. Okay. Where's the one star reviews? They're coming. They're coming. I want to read some one star reviews. We have a few. Tell me that they say never mind. We have a few. Five stars. Who is Erin and why is she supposed to be funny? That's a really good question. I'm with you dude. I know. She couldn't even show up to work today.

Like she called in sick. She's only been here a month. Like what the hell. Pathetic. I'm not even sure she's all that funny you know. I never thought so. No I don't think anybody did but no. The word is overrated. Yeah overrated. That's for sure. It's for sure. Next up. Five stars. Far better than waterboarding. Thank you. I've never been waterboarded. No. But like I'm going to take that as a compliment because I don't know if you should like. I think that's a very low bar even for us. It sounds better than that so that's good. You know what you're right. Let's take the compliment. Yeah. A few more reviews. Oh here we go. Five stars. Really like your show but offended. Very offended by Erin's pronunciation of Mario in episode three. Excuse you. 13 minutes 38 seconds

otherwise great show. No excuse you. How do you say it? How do you say it? Okay okay I have a story to tell. It's a me who? Okay Mario. Nope. Yes. All right so first off I'm originally from Philadelphia and like the lat fucking matters. It does because get this. I think it's a northeast thing and it's not unilateral across the board. However two years ago I was in Miami with a girlfriend of mine and we went out to dinner and our waiter's name was Mario and he was from New Jersey and he came up to us and he introduced herself as our waiter and he said hi my name is Mario. I'm gonna be your waiter tonight and I was like excuse me I'm sorry I don't mean to make this weird but how did you just say your name? What did you say your name was? And he was like my name is Mario and I was like

you know it's funny. Everybody always gets on my case but how I say Mario. Where are you from? He's like oh I'm from New Jersey and I was like oh my gosh I'm from Philadelphia. I say Mario. He's like yeah I say Mario it's my name. That's how my name is pronounced. And so here we go. Also let's go back to the Nintendo commercial with Kim Katrall who plays Samantha in Sex and the City and she tried to do like this weird sexy Nintendo commercial where she literally says in the commercial paid by Nintendo. Sure. Mario she says Mario in the commercial thus Nintendo did not have a problem with how Mario was pronounced and this soapbox is not that fucking slippery okay. Mario can be pronounced Mario the way I'm pronouncing it or the wrong way that you guys are all pronouncing it

but it's not illegitimate just because I say Mario and I've met a Mario in real life that also pronounces it Mario and it's his name and it's Mario and Nintendo literally paid an actress to be a commercial person for them and she pronounced it Mario and that is my proof. Thank you. Good day sir. A couple of things. One. Yes. I'm very happy to say that like none of your opinions matter because you're Ernie and not Aaron so that's cool. Two. Every goddamn time when you boot up Super Mario 64 for the Nintendo 64 what does the game greet you with? I'll tell you. No. Hold on. No. Hold on. No. It's the voice actor saying. No. It's a me. Mario. See you hear Mario and I hear Mario. Don't don't make it. So it's like do you

hear brainstorm or do you hear green needle okay. It's not the same thing. It's not the same thing. You say Mario and I'm like no I hear Mario. He says Mario. You're taking accounts from a dude from Jersey and a sex in the city actress instead of like actual Italians. Dude from Jersey. His name was Mario. Okay. So I think he knows how to pronounce his own name. You know who else probably does. It's his name. Stop trying to take things that are theirs out of their hands and tell them how they're pronouncing their own names. You know who else. It's like how many times have people not known how to spell Aaron and it's like oh if I just took their advice on how to spell my own name maybe you know come on. I'm trusting the voice

actor who's played him for like 30 years. That's just me. Anywho. Well why would Nintendo pay an actress and then let the commercial air if they weren't okay with the pronunciation of Mario. Why Jack. Why. Why. Why. Why. Do you think Mr. Do you think that like Clorox or whoever the fuck owns Mr. Clean. Would they let an actor go on and be like Mr. Clea. No they wouldn't. They wouldn't. They wouldn't let them mispronounce the name if it weren't the way it's pronounced. They're allowing for multiple pronunciations of Mario. You know it's funny. I had a show planned today but excuse me. Well I don't think we'll have time. Okay whoever you and whoever this reviewer is need to be more open minded about how some people just say different words

differently. Okay. Okay. I am going to make the executive decision to move on. We'll circle back to this later. I have a few just a couple more reviews for example five stars horrid permanently blind and deaf from watching Jack's films so I hope I pressed no stars. You know what's weird. I hate to tell you you didn't. Oh yeah no you didn't but thanks for the five stars. I'm semi grateful you're blind and deaf because you accidentally pressed the five stars but also you can relate with this person because you also suffer from face blindness. That I do. And the test results from last week were inconclusive on the the taste blindness. They weren't inclusive. They were proven. Well okay. I have great taste. You can't take one study

and assume that it's universal. You can't in this case. No. No. No. I nail that quiz. No. I'm gonna. No. I can't wait to feed you a bunch of vegetables and see if you can determine which vegetables are which. So insulting. I know my vegetables. No. I'm a big old green vegetable boy. I bet you I could feed you a banana and you would be like is this an avocado. That is so insulting. I am the world's number one fan of bananas. So to assume otherwise hurts me Ernie. No. I know you don't know me like my wife does but still hurtful. I'm gonna get another review for you. Here you go. Three out of five stars. Very disappointing. Three. Yeah. Here's why. Says Mario instead of Mario. Stop it. Stop it. I've already proven my point here. Get fucked.

Okay. I need a coalition. Guys. Guys. Guys. We have to rise up. If you say Mario like I say Mario we need to band together here and we need to make sure move to an island. No. We need to make sure that there is aware there is awareness. Hell. Oh my gosh. If you know a Mario that pronounces his name Mario because I don't I wish I know I met him. I met him. He's in Miami. He was trolling you baby. He's in Miami. Okay. I met him lying and we need to find all the Marios and we need to find the people that say Mario and no people that call themselves Mario that are named Mario and we need to do something about this. We need to raise awareness and let everybody know that it's okay and it's right and it's just as appropriate as the other

pronunciation which shall not be named. I forgot to mention this reviewer's name is Talking Dog Lover. Why would you give us three stars because you know that we're going to invest in if dogs could talk. We're working on the prototype right now. It's a lot of lab research being done right now. Honey, I have two more reviews for you. Okay. Five stars. Very fun. Very good. Yes. Erin is the funny one but Jack is the silly one. They're like Garfield and Odie or whoever the funny one on the show Alphas and Alph. Fuck. That hurts. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That hurts so good. Dude, Alphas like from the night like the 80s. 80s. Like Alphas old. Yeah, I'm actually curious about like the demo. Like that's kind of cool. Not a lot of zoomers are familiar with Alph and

honestly growing up is good. Never watched a single episode of Alph. Shut up. I get his thing like he eats cats. He talks like this. He's an alien. But I know more about the woes behind the scenes of the whole puppetry thing. Apparently all the actors fucking hated the layout of the show because they kept like falling into these potholes because the puppeteer was in the floorboards. But I never watched. I've never watched a single episode of Alph. You've never seen Alph. Never ever. What? Putting a finger down. I have like a very clear memory of there being a scene with Alph popping out through a kitchen window into like the driveway or something. Did you watch on Nick at Night? Was it a Nick at Night show? No, it was it was on as a kid. It was

I used to watch a lot of Nick at Night. I was a weird little kid. I know I was a weird little kid. I used to like love. Oh my God. I was obsessed with I Love Lucy. Oh, yeah. See, I've watched more I Love Lucy than Alph. Yeah, I loved I Love Lucy Bewitched. Same. I Dream of Genie. Yep. Um, yeah, I was like into all of those like, but no, Alph. Alph was like. You watched the Incindication, I guess? Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I guess it was like it definitely wasn't like a Nick at Night thing. I was like little, but yeah. Can't relate. But Alph, can we get an Alph? That'd be so funny. What did? What does that mean? Can we get an Alph? Like a puppet? No, like a little alien that comes and lives with us. We have three aliens that live with us.

Cats and like, but like this one talks back. We're still working on the prototype for like the if dogs could talk. I do hate cats. So like we could. Apparently that's like a thing people like are using. I hate cats is like a personality type or something. Oh, I don't mean to do that because like, I know that can that's quickly a pitfall. It's like a shit. Now I'm like in the same people that like use office quotes or yeah, you know, horoscopes or people who don't like something that's a personality. No, no, no. I don't mean to do that. I just, I just love horoscopes though. That's true. Oh no, fuck. What have I done? Shit. Schrodinger's cat something. I have one last review. The cat was eaten by Alph. Schrodinger's cat. That's the whole riddle

is that Alph was around and it's like, we know the cat is dead because the cat's more like Schrodinger sandwich. I can't do the Alph voice. We need Brock on here. Brock do the Alph voice. I can't. Oh, we should have Brock on here. You actually can. You can do it very well. I'm no surprise there. Final review. Five stars. Subject. I'm in love with Aaron. Body. I'm in love with Aaron. Oh, I thought you were saying like body, like Aaron's body, like they could be. They could be. I'm looking for. I just mean the body of text. What's the username? The username is Brell A. Did they leave their phone number? They did. They did? Yeah. And their social security number and their credit card. Did they leave their address or email? All of

the above. Yeah. Oh, all right. All right. We're going to wrap this up soon, right? Yeah. Okay. I just want to make sure. Yeah. Thanks, bro. I'll be in touch. So those are our podcast reviews. Thank you very much, everyone, for your reviews. If you want to leave your review, leave it on Apple podcasts. That's where we see them. If your name is Mario and you pronounce like Mario, please, please, please leave a review. Let me know or tweet at me. I'm at the number two toes up on Twitter. Two toes up. We need to connect. Yes. All three of you that say Mario like that. There's like an alien. That's how Alf would say it. Idiots. All right. Honey. Alf is such a niche. It really is very, it's very niche. It's very small,

but I love it. I love it. Let's make Alf the next running gag. We should bring Alf back. We should create a poll. We're bringing him back. I love it. I want him as a live-in roommate. Let's do it. Let's hire a fucking puppeteer. Wait, no, he's a real alien. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to destroy the illusion. He's a real alien. You're killing this for me. We'll buy a lot of cats. We'll have a little cat farm so that Alf can be sustained. And there you go. Honey. Yes. It is time to move on. Okay. To the meat of today's podcast. Oh. This is something we've long been teasing pretty much since the advent of this podcast. Oh. It's time to move on to a little segment I call If Dogs Could Talk. It's happening. That was a real Lucille blue thing.

It's Jean Parmesan. No. That's pretty much, you just fucking Jean Parmesan does. Yes. It is time for If Dogs Could Talk. No, really? If Dogs Could Talk. So here's how the segment's going to go. I'm going to give you a scenario, a common scenario with dogs. You have to tell me if they could talk. What would they say? And then I'll tell you if you're right or wrong. Sound good? Wait, is it like any dog or is it like our dogs? Any dog. No, it's much more fun if it's more applicable to dogs in general. Okay. Okay. If dogs could talk, what would they say when they look at you while they poop? Now you have infinite time to guess. I will tell you if you're correct or incorrect.

And I'll also weigh in. I think that if dogs could talk, if dogs could talk, they would say while they poop, man, this would be so much cooler if I didn't have to use my front hand so that I could watch TikTok videos. That's what they would say. You think they get bored when they poop? I think they get bored when they poop. But why do they look at you? Are they trying to tell us that? It's the same way we look at our phones when they poop. They just have to look at something. They have to look at something and it has to be like moving and like entertaining in some way. Yeah. I kind of love that. Yeah, I went to six years of veterinary school. So I...

Wow. Well, the things I don't know about you are... It was a veterinary hypnosis psychology school. Sounds expensive. Yeah. I can read minds of animals. I can read their minds. And... I hope you make a TikTok about that very thing. Oh, I have a whole TikTok account all about it. You know what that sounds like? That sounds like the kind of thing that you stitch with. Tell me something that nobody believes. You know, like that kind of bullshit? We've seen that. I bring this up because Aaron and I have seen like TikToks where it's like the opening is like, tell me something that makes you sound crazy, but you know it's true or like that nobody believes you, but you know it's real. And then people like go off the deep end saying like,

I know other people's thoughts. I know what they're... And it's like, shut the fuck up. Like, absolutely not. I first off had no idea that you actually paid attention when I showed TikTok. Sure I do. I have to. I mean, I do... I hope you know, I do enjoy them sometimes. Sometimes TikTok is hella cringe or it's just people free-booting. It's people like literally pointing up with a very like smug, like, can you believe this look on their face? While they like play someone else's video. Hate that. So lazy. TikTok right now is the wild west of online media. And hopefully, you know, the corporations reign it in and maybe things get a bit more regulated, but right now you can just... Oh, they absolutely will. Because this is what people

did on YouTube too. And then they kind of cracked down on free-booting for the most part on YouTube. The same thing is going to happen at TikTok. Anywho, I digress. I'm talking about Alph. I'm talking about how we're going to get an Alph family. Wait, do you think Alph used to look at his people? He's not his parents, but do you think Alph used to look at... That's the funniest image. He's making like some fucking wisecrack while he does it, because like in that voice. Middle man. Like something like that. Like he needs an audience. He needs an audience because he's a comedian at heart, so he has to like play to someone. Every single person listening to this are like, who the fuck is Alph? Oh, I hope so. That'd be amazing.

Imagine like ET with a longer... Like if we just took ET's face and we elongated it with a nose, that's Alph. Not at all. What a horrible description. What? You just did ET and Alph a huge disservice with that. How? How? Describe Alph, please. How? He's like a furry ant-eater looking guy with like a pig snout. Yeah, you elongate ET's face. Don't stop. They're both brown. Is ET furry? No. Does Alph have a long ass neck? No, because every time you elongate ET's nose, his neck shrinks. Oh, well, he didn't say that, Ernie. So like if you pull on the nose, the neck goes shorter, shorter, shorter, shorter. So you just like, you trade the neck for the nose? God, if only we had more wine.

Okay. All right. So before I tell you if you're right or wrong, let me say that I think scientifically the reason dogs... Scientologically. Don't. Absolutely not. Yes. Don't use dianetics. I see fatins in your future. Disgusting. Don't. Are you an OT8, you idiot? Scientifically, I think the consensus is dogs actually do look at you while they poop for protection. They want you to look at their surroundings so that they feel protected while they're at their most vulnerable state pooping. Which is without TikToks. Like they're right. They're without their paws browsed TikTok, commenting hateful things about their appearance. Like dogs do or would do if they could. You know what I'm saying? Oh, that's my kink,

just like leaving the nastiest comments on TikTok. Same. Okay. So honey, your answer is incorrect. The correct answer is this is what dogs would say. If dogs could talk, here's what they would say while they look at you when they poop. Why are you staring at me? Kind of cringe, not going to lie. Oh. That's what they would say. I would just turn it back on them. Why are you staring at me? Kind of cringe, not going to lie. No, because they're checking to make sure you're not looking. They have to look at you to know that you're not looking at them. Think about it. I didn't start looking until they looked at me. No, no, they're in the right. You're in the wrong. No. You yield to them, not vice versa. No. I would trade every dog that I have for an elf,

every single one. Three elfs, I'm in. Let's go. Blast for me. Yeah, I'm in. I do not consent to this. I do. We would no longer have a rat problem in the backyard probably. Oh, rats, more like appetizers. I fucking sound like Snagglepost. Stage left, even. I'm elf. That's what he would say. Hey, let's reboot. Hey, what elf? I've never seen an episode of elf, and yet you seem to be an expert on elf. We need to reboot. I will reboot elf without having watched a single episode. I think we need more of that. We need people to reboot shows that they've never seen a single episode of. I think that's the future. I think that's the way that's the American way. I want to do that. That's the

future I want for my kids. Fuck it. I'm rebooting elf. I'll be like, this is what I think elf should an iPad. What is this? Can I download cats on it and eat them? Like, I got it. I got elf. I, I've nailed elf. Oh my God. It took me 10 seconds. I've never seen an episode. I can't cry. Okay. Well, back to, if Tux could talk. Honey. Yes. This is serious. All right. Okay. If Tux could talk, what would they say when they first see you when you come home from work?

So obviously, they're barking, their energy's up. If they could speak your language, what would they actually be saying to you when you come home from work? Okay. So we're going to go back to pre pandemic times P A N D E M I C. Why are we spelling it out? Because we can't say it because we're E for Aaron. If we're going back to when I was going out of the house to go to work, they would say, How dare you steal that car? I am absolutely disgusted. Your father's now facing inquiries work and it's entirely your fault. Listeners, a little explanation, a little context here. Aaron is weirdly obsessed

and knowledgeable about and of the second Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets. She knows that film front to back better than anyone else, probably better than the actors in it. It's really weird. She can quote that movie from start to finish. And that's what that was from in case you're like, wait, what is she doing? Which is so weird because it's the worst Harry Potter movie of the eight. Stop it. It's not good. You're not good. How dare you steal that car? I am absolutely disgusted. God damn it. Three is good. No, three was the worst. Five and six are good. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Three was a jarring experience. Eight is good. No, a vast differential that we were not prepared for between one.

Oh, you're using words like differential. And then three were that the style was different. The campus was different. It was all wrong. I don't know if they tried to distract us by like, maybe you won't notice. It's a different Dumbledore. If we just change everything else. Oh, you mean the good Dumbledore? Oh, stop it. Don't you dare. You know that the character Dumbledore that was written about in the books is way more accurate to the Richard Harris character that may he rest past after the second movie. You know that it's way more accurate. And don't you even get me started. The actor brought his own taste to it. He did not read the books and I respect that. That means that's like me showing up to work and just like talking about

like nonsense all day and being like, you know what? It's not the same. It's not the same. It's the same. It's like, hey, you don't service the book. You service the script. No, no, no, no, you have to stay true to both storylines. That's not a responsibility. It's not a requirement. Oh, oh, so you're telling me that if I go to work, I don't actually have to like prepare for it. I just like show I can just like show apples and oranges. Not the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. Some film adaptations exceed the book. For example, that's on them. It's like literally 75% of 12 year olds have read that book and you couldn't bother to pick up the book and just read a 200 page fantasy novel. Really? You couldn't even be bothered to read that book.

Study for the mother test by reading the mother book. Are you kidding me and literature are two entirely different mediums. The second Dumbledore actor wanted to service the film medium. He's a stage actor. Doesn't matter. He should have at least done his homework to at least know. Okay, so this is what I'm being written for the homework if it's required. Okay, if I'm getting paid millions of dollars to do something, I'm just going to do the bare minimum. Is that is that what capitalism has turned into? He didn't do the bare minimum. He acted the shit out of those movies too much so too much so so much so that he didn't even stay true to the motherfucking character. I knew right away. I was like, I hated the third movie and every movie thereafter. I was like, I

still haven't seen all the Harry Potter movies because I was so insulted by how what they had done with the the story itself. Listen, God rest his soul. The first Dumbledore was too sleepy for my taste. The second Dumbledore brought in much needed life and energy listen to the part. Listen, listen, Dumbledore isn't sleepy because he's the most magical man you've ever met. Okay, he is not sleepy. He is calm. He is confident in his calmness. He doesn't need to be ostentatious or anything bigger than what he is because he is already so sure of his talents and who he is. He has this underlying quiet confidence that he doesn't need to be this. He doesn't need to be that because he's not that. He knows he's the baddest motherfucking all the land. He doesn't need to go

out of his way to be anything other than what he is. Okay, we don't need a big, bold, loud yelling Dumbledore to be Dumbledore. That's what makes Dumbledore the badass that he is is that he could sit quiet in the corner and he's gonna fuck you up all day every day. That's what makes him so motherfucking magical. So if dogs could talk, when you first come home from work, what would they say? What was your answer? All I remember is just you screaming about the wrong Dumbledore for 10 minutes. How dare you steal my car. That's right. I was stealing the car. Right, right, right. Thank you. Oh my God. I totally forgot about that. Yes, it was about how angry they would be for stealing the car. Right. Okay. Yes. Let me tell you how right or wrong you are. You are incorrect.

The correct answer. The thing that dogs would say when you come home from work is, Hey, do you see that huge shit I took earlier? Pretty cool. Of course I saw it. You were staring right at me. We were making eye contact the entire time. Remember? Yeah, but did you see it? You told me it was cringe that we were making eye contact, but now you want me to have looked at it? Oh, that was years ago. What the fuck? Make up your mind. Oh, come on. You know dogs are fickle. They're high energy. This is rigged. This is rigged. I got another question for you. I want a recount. Hey, honey. What? Yes. If dogs could talk, what would they say when they bark at noises outside? When they think it's the mailman or a

squirrel? Like when they're inside the house and they're barking at noises from outside the house or home or wherever. What would they say? What are they saying? Hey, hey, hey, you. Hey, you. Come here. Come here. I think I want to be your friend, but I also might bite you, but come here. I won't be able to tell it to you. Come here. Come here. I'm picturing Sunday right now. I think Sunday literally doesn't know, do I want to be your friend or do I want to bite you? Yeah. I think she wants to do both, but she doesn't know because she's a confused little pup. She's very confused. She's a fucking Sagittarius. What do you expect? Listeners, our middle dog Sunday is easily the dumbest of our three dogs. I know I sound like a weird dog person when I say they have different personalities.

They really do though. I don't know how else to say it. Sunday is dumb as a brick. She's a personality disorder. She has a few. She can't help it. But I like that answer. That's a good answer. So your answer is a mix of both. Like come here. I want to be your friend. Also, I don't know if I like you or trust you. I need you to come here close or I need you to approach me. I think I want to bite you, but also might want to be your friend, but also want to bite you. But also, I want to be your friend, but I think I'll bite you first and then we might be friends, but I have to bite you first. Figure it out. Honey. Yes. You are correct. Really? That's the correct answer. That's the correct answer. Furbatum. Is that what the prototype said? That's

what the ALF prototype said. That's right. Oh my gosh. Wow. Don't be your friend as long as you're a big meaty cat. What's Tinder? Is that where all the cats are? So let me log on. I can't wait for the reboot of ALF. It's going to just take television by storm. It's not going to be cringe at all. It's going to be so cool. It's still going to be a puppet. It's still going to look like a show from 1980, whatever, but he's just going to make really cool iPad and Tinder references. If you don't know ALF, you will not like this episode. Oh honey, they tuned out half an hour ago. All right. One last question. I got one final dog question for you and our listeners and feel free to chime in listeners. Honestly,

if you want to tweet your answers to any of our questions from the show, feel free to tweet them at us with the hashtag EITFO. Standing for Aaron is the funny one. I don't really go on Instagram anymore, but I am active on TikTok and I am active on Twitter, more active on TikTok than I am Twitter for sure. Well, feel free to do the same thing on TikTok. If you want to do the same thing on TikTok, just include the hashtag EITFO. Yes, please. We're serving up a lot of hot takes and questions here. Speaking of questions, I have one more dog question for you, Aaron. Yes. If dogs could talk, what would they say when they sniff other dogs on a walk or in a park while they're sniffing each other's butts and heads and all that stuff? They would say,

do you know the name of Justin Bieber's wife? Fuck you. By the way, Jack. Yes. Do you know the name of Justin Bieber's wife? I do. What is it? Baldwin. What's her first name? It's not important. It is Olivia Baldwin. It's not Olivia. Olivia Rodrigo Baldwin. I am impressed. You know, Olivia Rodrigo. Oh, well, you know, she's, yeah. Hailey Bieber. Hailey Bieber. Thank you. That's what I was going to say. Yeah, I thought you were. I love Hailey Bieber. Yeah, who doesn't? Big fan. Big fan. And she couldn't be married to a better guy. Exactly. Honey. Yes. Once again, you are correct. Oh my gosh. I knew every dog loved Despacito. I knew it. I knew it. Oh, I always forget that Bieber has like a solo on like the regular. What? Of course. It's not the

international Despacito. It's the American Despacito. Yeah. Like, you know the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven? Yeah. Of course. The soundtrack to that is Justin Bieber's Baby. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that makes sense. That's the only song on the soundtrack. That makes chronological sense, since it definitely came around the same time. Yeah. So it just makes sense that all dogs are now just huge fans of anything Justin Bieber. And that's why they have to test each other like, are you a real dog or are you a fake dog? I'm going to ask you, do you even know who he's married to? And if you don't, then you're not even a real dog. That dog's going to hell. It's a litmus test. That dog's not going to heaven. That dog's going to hell. So you know what my favorite part of

All Dogs Go to Heaven is? That movie, the classic animated Don Bluth movie. The part where you go to hell because you didn't know he was married to Haley Bieber? No. It's up there though. My favorite part is when Alf says, you know what my heaven is? It's a field full of cats. Stop. Stop. What I call a smorgasbord. Alf is not a dog. Alf is an elf. It's a good scene. You can YouTube it. I think Alf actually stands for something, doesn't it? Isn't that the whole point of Alf? It's like ALF? Yes. Alien life force? Freak life. No, I think it's Al loves felines. I think that's what ALF stands for. Oh. Alf loves felines. Yeah. Yeah. Alien loving felines. So I think we've beaten that joke to the ground. No. That's fine though. But I still want an elf. Can we get one?

We can get an elf. We'll talk after the podcast. We'll get an elf. Okay. I know a guy. Okay. There's something else I want to do for this podcast. We don't have a hotline set up yet, but I still want to dole out some life advice for our listeners who have questions for us about their lives. Are you ready to dole out some wisdom, some knowledge, some advice to our listeners in need, honey? I am ready so long as everybody is ready to accept my pronunciation of Mario. Well, it looks like we're going to have to move on to the next segment. That's on you. Okay. That's on you. I tried to help. I tried to impart my wisdom. It's me. Mario. Nope. Yes. Yes. Yes. Then I guess you never played the classic N64 game and that's sad. That really saddens me. Hello.

How many minutes did I spend trying to run up an endless staircase thinking that eventually maybe it would come to an end? You need 70 stars, honey. Okay. You didn't have enough. Okay. Embarrassing. I have wasted many a minute of my life trying to do that. Although there is obviously if you backwards long jump and just mash that A button, you can get to the top of those stairs with only 50 stars, but that's okay. I wouldn't expect you to know that. Listen, we have questions from listeners. Melody Williams writes, I don't like alcohol. It feels all tingly and numbing on my tongue. How do I get over it and enjoy the booze with my college acquaintances? I actually spent a very long portion of my college career not drinking because I also did not

enjoy drinking. I didn't like how it made me feel. I didn't like feeling like I was out of control. Yeah, that's real. There was a really long portion of my college career. I didn't really drink at all. I was kind of a square, if you will. No one's used that term in 40 years. Yeah. I would say one. Jack will be the first to tell you. Jack, what was that Facebook group that you were part of? I don't need a drink to have fun. That's right. Unironically, by the way, not as a joke. I was very proud. What was your first screen name? What was that? Uncorrupted 630. Yeah, because you're uncorrupted. Whoops. Needless to say, first and foremost, if it doesn't feel right to you, then don't do it because you don't need to do it.

It is purely optional. A lot of times, very bad for people. If you don't like it, don't because it's just not worth it. Honestly, don't get peer pressured into it if you feel uncomfortable doing it because it's very much a peer pressure thing. Yeah, it can be. It can be. I remember, actually, it's funny. I remember one time, there was like, I was at a friend's house in college and the cops ended up coming. They breathalyzed everybody and I told them I haven't had a sip of alcohol at all. They were like, yeah, sure, breathe into this. I breathed and it was 0, 0, 0, 0, whatever. I literally looked at them and I was like, see. And then as I was skipping away, I tripped.

It was one of those things. Idiot. Every single time, I feel like an ounce of confidence, something embarrassing. Yeah, karma comes back. Ways are heavy hand on you. But anyway, there is a lot of pressure that comes with drinking that is unwarranted and I get it. It's so real because people will try to get you into their web of like, come on, you're not drinking, whatever. Into their comfort zone. If exactly, it says more about them than it does you. It doesn't make it any less real. But what I would say is that if you're not comfortable drinking and you don't enjoy drinking, please don't do it. Stick to your values. Stick to what you want. And if drinking alcohol is not

one of those things, then don't do it. I will also share the first time I drank wine in college, I literally spat it back out. I was like, this is disgusting. Imagine that. I know. I don't know what happened. But one day, the next time I had wine, I was like, this is delicious. So at some point, I had acquired a taste for it. But it's not for everybody. And honestly, it's not that big of a deal. If people make it that big of a deal, then like, fuck them because you don't need a drink to have fun. Thank you. Way to bring it home. You really don't. I will say this. For the longest time, I detested the taste of beer. And beer was the big drink

on my campus growing up. All freshman year of college, I didn't have a sip of any alcohol. Mainly because I didn't like the taste of it, genuinely. And it wasn't until a house party in the summer after my freshman year of college that I had my first beer and I absolutely hated it. It's gross. That shit's gross. I had to choke it down and I almost threw up the single beer, which is in hindsight, very funny to say out loud, but that's the truth of it. If you give me a beer, like a Miller light or something like now, I'd be like, yeah, no, I'm good. This is disgusting. Oh, I'll take your Miller light then,

because that sounds delightful. But I'll say this, in college, so the following year, I was like, I want to like beer. This is real. I really wanted to like beer. So I learned about Smirnoff ice. Yeah, exactly. The sprites of alcoholic beverages, really. If you have more than three, don't talk to me. Yeah, good luck to your belly. Yeah, yeah, but that was the only way I could choke down any alcoholic beverages, my sophomore year of college, a Smirnoff ice. Sometimes, oh, I remember this very clearly, sometimes I would chase a beer, just a regular beer. I'm not talking like a stout or porter IPA or anything, just a regular beer. I would have to chase it with a Smirnoff ice, chase it.

Because I was like, these are so fruity and light and refreshing and sweet. And only 250 calories. Right. When you're 19 years old, you don't give a shit about calories. Your metabolism is doing all the heavy lifting for you, or at least it was for me back then. And long story short, Smirnoff ice, I think somehow helped me graduate, quote unquote, to beer. But that's just my story. Is it for everyone? Absolutely not. But that's my story. You've barely graduated. How dare you? You have. Come on. I love beer. Yeah, sure. Can be a nice cold one. Because we have our fridge is just full of beer right now, chock full of beer. I'll say this. I will say this. I don't want to day drink unless it is beer.

Ew. What do you mean? Ew. Day drinking with something heavier than beer? That's ew. Day drinking in general. Well, you don't do it often. You only do it on special occasions and such. It's fun with beer. Okay. I'll take your word for it. New question from T dimensionist on Twitter. What is the best cheap alcohol? Pino Gris from 2020 in California. $13 a bottle. Honestly, it's not bad. Yellowtail. I'm going to say yellowtail straight up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Franzi is not bad. Get some, some of that boxed wine that like that black box and that I dabble in the boxed wines every now and then if you have people over because more. Oh, that's the best for house parties or gatherings.

It's more economical that way. And it's just as delicious. Like what is a box of wines? Don't they equate that to like, yeah, four bottles. That's ridiculous. Absolutely. Of course, you get a box of wine rather than four bottles. Yeah, every time. That's the economical solution. I'm trying to think what else? What's the best cheap alcohol? Honestly, my answer, final answer, boxed wine. No, boxed wine, bang for your buck. I don't think you can beat that. We were just reminiscing on cheap vodka. Yes. And Jack was telling the story about how, what, what video was it for, Jack? Your grammar sucks 21. For your grammar sucks 21. Just about 10 years old now. Jack took some cheap vodka. Sky vodka. And was actually taking shots.

Shots. It was, for those who are curious, it was a marshmallow vodka, I believe, I want to say. The gimmick was every time I broke character or laughed, went off script, I had to stop what I was doing and rip a shot of vodka, which in hindsight, terrible idea. Absolutely a horrid, abysmal, abhorrent idea. You know, what's more horrible is that it was only in hindsight. Like, how did you not know that that would go horribly? Because when you're in your early 20s, you're invincible. No, no, no, everybody knows, no, everybody knows there is a, oh my God, I can't even imagine. I can't even imagine. So then, sorry, Jack tells me, he goes, that was like a year or two before I met you. And I'm like, wait, I hope that was more than a year or two

before I met you. Because like, so a year or two before I met you, you were dumb enough to take actual shots every time you flubbed something in a year, oh my God. Got all this talk is just getting me so nostalgic. Honey, do you mind if I make a quick liquor run real quick? I think they have Skye on sale. The answer to, and they got that marshmallow flavor. The answer to your question, T dimensionist. That's right. Is that Skye Marshmallow Vodka is not the answer. It's the one I get. Honestly, if you want to party, start slow, go slowly. Wow, it's boring. It is a, it's like when you dye your hair, they're like, before you dye your hair, do a patch test to see if you like have an allergic reaction.

Oh, that's it. I didn't know this. Yeah, because nobody ever actually does it. The same way nobody actually ever tests their limits for alcohol. Test your motherfucking limits, okay? Test with a group of friends. Here's what, yeah, with alcohol, you test with a group of friends because I was fortunate enough, like the night I had my first beer, I was surrounded. I was in some dude's parents' basement. I was surrounded by friends that we all knew each other. It wasn't any strangers or anything. And I choked down my first beer. It was disgusting, but I was in the company of friends. It was like a safety net. So if you're going to test your limits, do it with people that know you. Also, do it safely. Of course. Very safely. Also, unlike allergy tests,

not everybody has an allergy to hair dye, but everybody can't handle liquor. Literally, it can kill everybody. So- That's a good point. It's a very good point. Test and check, but go slowly. Work it slowly. And also, if you're not comfortable at any point, then don't. Just don't. At all. Don't. Just stop. Stop. Don't. And don't take a shot every time you mess up on camera. No. Oh my God. No. No. No shots. That was dumb. Don't do shots. Shots are bad. Shots are bad for you. Made for a great video. They're bad for you. You don't want to do them. Don't do them. They're bad for you. I have a new life advice question. AJ Fields on Twitter writes, I just graduated

high school and I'm starting college in the fall. While I'm excited, I don't know how to transition from high school world to college world. Do you have any tips? And I wanted a spring board off this with another question. What were some of the biggest differences that you noticed and spotted from high school versus college? You mean besides the fact that everything that I loved was gone? Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah, I did not transition well from high school to college. I didn't want to go to college because I didn't get into the college that I wanted to get into and I didn't really like want to go to college, but I felt like I was supposed to go to college and I also didn't have any skills or nor did I want to work. So I was kind of, I don't want to

say forced, but I was, I had no other options other than to go to college. I wasn't good at the transition. I had a boyfriend. He went to school in New York. I was in Philadelphia. I spent half of my weekends up in New York with him. He spent half of his weekends down in Philly with me. I didn't make a whole lot of friends at first. So my best advice to you is to do exactly the opposite of what I did. So lean in, make friends, join clubs, join shit, try to make friends, try to embrace it. Even if you're not happy, try to make the best of the situation. Do everything that I did not. That is the best advice I can give you because I- No strings. Don't be dating I didn't enjoy college until I was a senior and it was tough for me. So don't do what I did.

It's just insane. We have such different college experiences because you, I had a bunch of friends in high school. Yes. I was part of activities in high school. All of my friends were so excited to go to college and I was not- Because you were mispopular in high school. I wouldn't say that, but I would just say I had a very fun, good high school experience. I remember coming home from college my first semester, after the first semester, and everybody's like, oh, I have this friend. I have this friend. I felt so pressured to be like, yeah, college is so fun. I fucking hated it. I like, it was not fun for me. I was like, not having a good time. But you had no friends in high school and you were a big loser. Giant. No, that doesn't do it justice. I was in marching

bands. You played the French horn for God's sakes. I played the French fucking horn. Not a popular instrument, like those damn Trumpeters. But honestly, guys, yeah, we have, you and I have polar opposite experiences in high school and college. I was so excited to go to college. I hated high school. I was anti-social, did not have a lot of friends. You were anti-social? I didn't know how to be social. I didn't know how to date. I didn't know how to interact with people. I was awkward as fuck in high school. I just, you know, and I wasn't in a lot of extracurricular activities. I was in a few, but like, didn't matter. College, the word that I associate with my college experience more than anything else, freedom. Wow. Absolute total freedom. So we should blame

Donna and Dave for your horrible high school experience. Is that right? Is that what it's that what you're doing right now? I would never. How dare you? Hey, you said it, not me. Freedom. No, the freedom wasn't that my parents were tyrants. Absolutely not. The freedom was the whole dorm experience. It's a different, it was the first time I ever lived by myself ever. It's just a different dynamic. And then all of a sudden you're kind of thrust into this new experience. You have to find out real quick what to do and who you're doing it with. Having access to people and friends that were always, always that freshman year was magical. They were always down to go out, do something like, Hey, here's something that's happening, you know, 20 minutes from here.

Let's all catch the Metro and go. And it was awesome. It was truly this eye-opening experience I never had access to in high school. Uber who? Yeah. Yeah. What Uber? Exactly. Well, and that's the thing. I went to college in DC and no one had cars. Everyone just relied on the Metro transportation and it was fine. It was reliant. It got the job done. And it just opened all of these doors for me. College was just this mind blowing, eye-opening experience. So what advice would you give to somebody entering into college? How do they make it a good experience? Very similar to what you were just saying, leaning in to opportunities that come to you. This is where you do want to join clubs, extracurricular activities, saying yes to shit,

saying yes to your friends, saying yes to professors that say like, because that was another thing too. Like we had professors saying like, Hey, you guys want to check out this weird thing that's happening? You know, it's obviously not required. It's totally optional. It's nothing to do with the curriculum, but you want to check out the school thing happening here? Hell yeah. And it just opens up these doors. So leaning in really is the key term, the takeaway. That's my biggest nugget of knowledge and wisdom. I can drop upon listeners who might also be making that transition from high school to college. And this is my experience too. I know that your mileage may vary. I really enjoyed the dorm life and I understand that not all college experiences

include that dorm life experience, but mine did. And that's what I kind of associate that with freedom, independence. It helped me become an adult. Before hand, I was just an awkward teenager. College really shaped and molded me to become an awkward adult. In hindsight, I set you up for that very well. So way to spike that volleyball, honey. Yeah. Well, that was fun. So yeah, we have very differing experiences. We did. One of us ended up successful. The other TBD. Oh, baby. I'm sorry. Should I not have insulted you to your face? Baby, you don't think you're successful? That's so sad. Excuse you. I have business cards. Okay. Woman CEO. I'm the epitome of a girl boss.

I have a new question for the both of us, but I'll let you tackle this first. Mothmut writes, how do I get my motivation back after COVID? Dude, if you honestly, let me know. I was telling Jack today, I was explaining to him what I'm feeling. That's why I included it. Jack literally says, so you have senioritis and I'm like, I have senioritis, except here's the thing. There's no end game. I don't get a graduation. I don't get a break. I don't know. You tell me, is this a thing? Is there a collective of us that not only say Mario, but also don't have motivation after COVID? What do we do? What am I supposed to do? Those are two entirely separate circles. No, I think it's Mario motivation. I think this is the

same thing. Don't coin the phrase Mario motivation. So ugly. I don't know. I am literally experiencing the exact same thing. I don't know how it happened, but it happened. I don't know how to get rid of it now. I mean, you and the rest of the world, because this Pandora altered all of our minds, all of our expectations, and I was just talking to you about it earlier today, how it's just altered the way we think and what we prioritize. It's why we're seeing this great resignation, as TikTok calls it. They do call it that. I'm not sure the numbers are there yet. I am interested in seeing what happens there. Sure, as am I, but I will say it's caused a lot of people to rethink their lives, rethink their priorities, their careers and job paths and their

wants and needs. Are you mansplaining the great resignation to me right now? 100% because that's what we do, baby. You're mansplaining to everybody right now what everybody already knows, in that we're all reconsidering our lives. Thank you for explaining that to us, though, Jack. Anytime, baby. Anytime. Really appreciate that. By the way, I'm pretty sure your explanation just made the editor reconsider editing this podcast. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, but we're in this together and I'm happy to help figure this out with you. I have a suggestion because mansplaining is all I do. G Fuel. G Fuel. Is it G Fuel? Who doesn't love G Fuel? G Fuel. Hashtag sponsored. That one is sponsored, ladies and gents. Shut the

fuck up. Getting motivation back after COVID. Okay. I think what helps is setting goals or at least dates for things to look forward to. Maybe that's like a vacation. That's it. Everybody just needs to look forward to vacation so that they can look forward to not working. No, that's one example. That's one example. I will say putting things on a calendar, two things you look forward to, whether that's a vacation, whether it's a special event, whether it's a party that you yourself are throwing. Sometimes you have to make your own events on the calendar. I think that helps you get your motivation back. That's what motivates me. Sometimes all I have going for me is an event on my calendar happening later that

week and I swear to God, this is 100% real. Sometimes the only thing motivating me to work and to do stuff is like one meeting that I have late in the week. This is so real. You look forward to meetings. That's how bleak this has become. You're like, I can't wait for that meeting. Meanwhile, my boss rescheduled my meeting for this afternoon. I was like, oh, thank the Lord. Yes. Yeah, it sounds dumb. It sounds very silly, but I'll tell you, these are meetings for things that I am really, really looking forward to making and being a part of. I can't wait for that meeting this week. I swear. Honey, I told you. This is what I was looking forward to last week. Okay. So also if Jack film could talk, he's like, what works for me is I

try to remember what college was like. And then I think maybe I'll have a dream about it. And so every night I look forward to maybe dreaming about college and it gives me something to look forward to because I get to look forward to my past. What a bully. What a bully. No, my genuine advice is just putting stuff on a calendar. That's all. That's all I've got. So Sage, that was awesome. Kudos. Aaron. Is it that time? It is that time. What time is it? It's time for horoscopes. Horoscopes. And we've entered a new season Jack film. What season is it? The one after cancer. That's right. I don't know what it is. Leo. Thank you. Leo the lion. Ah, yes. Ah, Leo the lion. Be lion like a Leo. Lion. Leo. Leo. Leo. It's Leo season bitches and this lion ain't going out like no lamb. Oh, no, no, no, no,

no, no, not this lion. No way, no way, no how. Nope, no, definitely not. Absolutely, positively not, never, never, ever, never have I ever, never have I ever gone out like a lamb. Never, never, ever, not even once. Well, maybe that one time, just kidding, never, never is short for not ever. Do you know that? Doubt it, suck it, turds. That's awesome. That's a great way to start off the Leo season. Hey, those, those Leos, they ain't going out like lambs. They're not, they're not. That was extremely aggressive so much. Just so you know, guys, a lot of caps lock in that one. It's like all caps lock. Hey, I don't write it. They write it. Yeah, I know. I'm just the medium. You're the medium, you're the vessel. I don't say you to the caps lock, the gods, the stars, the

ethos, the astros. They just, yes. Hey, what's after Leo? Virgo, Virgo, Virgo. Times cruel, ever creeping hand lies heavy on you. Death looms closer as no one can truly escape it. The hourglass pours on without emotion, without prejudice, without stopping. Each grain of sand is a moment, a memory, an instant gone forever, tumbling down into the always growing mountain of lost moments. This is time you can never get back. Download Raid Shadow Legends today on iOS or Android and get 5,000 free tokens. Whoa, that's a good deal. Wow. Thanks, honey. But it only applies if you're a Virgo. Right.

And you have to enter your birth date on the website the same way you have to enter your birth date if you try to enter like a porn website or a liquor website. They were just talking about that here. So, you know, just like enter in a Virgo birthday and you should have it applied to you. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Libra. Ah, Libra. Luck is on your side today, Libra. As today, you will receive three fortuitous phone calls from wise men who want to talk to you about your car's extended warranty. Each wise man's offer will be better than the last. Wow. Provide each man with all the information they request and the most generous offer will fall

into your lap. Life's funny like that sometimes. Definitely don't check your credit report for at least three years. Otherwise, the luck will turn on you and you will go straight to hell. Okay. That's all. Thanks for listening. Oh, wow. Oh my. Libra's, I hope you listened. Libra, you are in for some good luck. Oh my gosh. You better just don't check your credit for three years. No, you can't. Oh my gosh. It would undo all the good luck. You know what it's like? It's like Schrodinger's cat. If you look at it, it dies or whatever. Yeah. Exactly. Or like Alf. Just or eats it. Right. Ate it. Right. You know, if you look at your credit port, one of the wise men will eat your cat. I don't know. I don't make the rules. That's just how it is.

Those rascally wise men. I remember my Bible, Bible, Bible. Scorpio. Your dog will talk. Nice. But it will get very old very quickly. Oh no. It will repeat. What? What? No. Continue, vessel. It will. It will repeatedly scream your name. Yes. Somehow it knows your full legal name. The only way to make it stop is to hold it upside down like a furby for 30 seconds. Is that a thing? Did you have to use to hold them upside down? Yeah. That's a real thing. Yeah. Whatever is that? Oh, yeah. Those poor gremlins. Ignore its cries and begging. This is good for the

dog. After 30 seconds, your dog should return to factory settings. Whew. That was close. Give it a treat and laugh it off. Mondays. Am I right? Damn. Oh my God. I didn't know that about furbies. Yeah. Can we get some more furbies? I think they're back. Honestly, they made the news like literally five, six years ago because they were back and they had like LED screens for eyeballs. But you said that they're back, but that was five or six years ago. I know. They were back from the previous hiatus, which was the late 90s. Can we get some? We could. We can figure it out. Yeah. We can probably get the old school ones. Do they eat cats? I don't know if they make alfurbies yet. Could they get rid of the rats in the backyard?

I don't know if they make alfurbies yet. I still want furbies. I hope nobody holds me upside down so I eat more cats. Sagittarius. Sagittarius, you sick son of a bitch. I told you not to eat that pizza after it fell on the ground. Ew. And now you have to get a bunch of dental work. Ew. Because you ate the pebbles that stuck to the pizza. Ew. And you also have rabies. Ew. And warts. Ew. And COVID. Ew. Jesus Lord, when will you listen? Never. Maybe this is your payback for fat shaming people on the internet. You know what? Serves you right then, I guess. I hope your insurance company denies the claim. So there. Sagittarius, it sounds like a whole truckload of karma just came beeping your way.

Sagittarius. You know what you did. I think you need to do better, man. Honestly, I have no sympathy for Sagittarius today. Sorry. Same. Not sorry. Same. Capricorn. Oh no, bad news. Your favorite artist is about to become hell of cringe. Put them in the trash. Throw out everything you own by them. Oh no, it's too late. The cringe is spreading. The cringe has spread to you. Now you have to have SEX with someone in the next 24 hours to pass it on. Just like that horror movie. Shit. What was that one called? It's coming? Ew. Ew. Guys, do better. The gods need to do better. Yeah, I think it was called It's Coming. Oh, God. Great movie. Oh, super scary too. I had to cover my ears and eyes whenever the bad guy

appeared on screen, but Jack was super brave and kept saying, don't worry, babe, it's just a movie, lol. Hey ladies, get yourself a man. Fuck you. Get yourself a man who watches horror films on full volume. I'm sorry, what was the question? You're disgusting. Listen, I don't know what gods you were talking to today, but they were not the gods I was talking to today, okay? I don't know what I write or transcribe. I just, I merely listen to the interstellar muses. Aquarius. Key in to your sneaky, devious nature, Aquarius. Take time each day to stalk your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend on Instagram and make sure to tend to your soul by tweeting out some failed, passive-aggressive quotes and radiate that energy into the world. Unexpected people are likely to appear out of

nowhere, so don't be surprised when a former lover who died 20 years ago comes knocking on the door. Oh no. Does this mean you can see ghosts? Oh shit, pretty cool. Think about how much money you can make by monetizing this. Move over, ghost hunters. Aquarius is in the house. Fuck, maybe you don't even have to actually see the ghosts. You could just use your social media stalking skills to research people ahead of time and then just convince people that you can see their dead relatives and shit. Wow. Man, you're smart. Way cool, Aquarius. Did Aquarius just like find an infinite money loop, like money-generating loop? Aquarius is everything we want to be, I think. Did Aquarius just like win capitalism? They did. That kind of sucks. They did. But also

like good for them. They took advantage. They did. Of everybody while at the same time providing comfort. You know what I mean? You know what? You can't fault them for that, can you? You can't. I'm not going to. It's like Amazon. They took advantage of everybody at the same time while providing comfort. That's how they win. That's how they win. Thank you, Aquarius. Is Jeffrey Bezos an Aquarius? Jeffrey Bezos is a Capricorn. That is why he is so power hungry, is because he is at the bottom latitude, uh, tropic thingy because he is at the bottom. So he's like, I'm going to show them. And so now he has to build a dick-shaped space shuttle. It makes no sense, right? Even though we still don't know how eels fucking reproduce. But let's go to fucking

outer space in a dick-shaped space shuttle. Why would I pay you $12.50 an hour when I can pay you $12 an hour and go to space? What? That's why he's a billionaire and you're not. You're just not bitter and jealous. Jesus. Pisces. When you try to fire up Netflix tonight, it will ask you for your password again. So annoying. It really is though. Oh, that two-factor authentication. Oh my God. So nice. Anyway, but here's a cool trick my cousin taught me. Enter BeazelbubLives, uh, capital B, capital L as your password, and you'll unlock dark Netflix. It's everything on Netflix plus all the bad stuff. Cool. I'm talking real bad, like eight chance stuff. Ew, this sounds horrible.

Why am I paying $15 a month for eight Chan? Jesus. My cousin's so cool. That's it. Remember that password shit? I don't want to watch that dark stuff. Hold on. Hold on. I think Jack is channeling the bad gods. No. Because eight Chan is bad shit, guys. You don't want that shit. It is, but- That shit's bad shit. No bueno. No bueno. I am just telegraphing what the gods prescribe unto me. Aries. Today is your day to shine, Aries. So give it your all. If you want those platform shoes with the little goldfish in them, you go get them, honey. You worked your ass off spoon-feeding grass-fed hand-ground horse meat into the mouths of the mangy little mutts that Jack film calls dogs for what feels like decades now. So you deserve it. Wait, shit. I just realized

Jack film feeds his dogs horse meat. What the fuck is that? Does Jack film hate horses? I knew he was weirdly against horse girls. Guilty. But I didn't know he was talking about girl horses. Shit. Let's get beat on his ass. I know they've had an open investigation on him for years now. Fuck you. Let's hope they finally nab him this time. Nice work, Aries. What the fuck? Hey, Aries, nice work. You're doing the Lord's work. I didn't like any of that. I didn't like it either. Nobody did. Why are you antagonizing me? Why are you feeding your dog's horse meat? Why did you- Why did you fucking expose me to the world? Dude, I didn't make you feed your dog's horse meat. They like it. Why are they grass-fed hand-ground? That's gross. So our dogs can grow.

That's gross. To be healthy dogs. It's gross. That shit's gross. That shit's gross. You really put me on the spot there. I didn't like that. That was too much. I'm sorry. I just- I channeled and that's what came through. You didn't channel shit. I channeled and that's what came through. And I'm really hurt by that. You can make it up to me by reading this next horse. Taurus. Your dog will talk again. God. But it will talk in this super obnoxious baby voice like all the time. It'll say shit like, ooh, I'm a little stinker and wait for you to laugh. It'll be cute for about 10 seconds and then you will want to kill it. But try not to instead hold it upside down like a Furby for 30 seconds. This should work. My cousin told me to do this.

What's a horoscope? I think there was a nugget of wisdom there. I don't know. I kind of tuned out. I mean, now I know that if we hold dogs upside down for 30 seconds that they return to their factory settings. Yeah. That was my takeaway too when I wrote these down. Who knew? Like Buzz Lightyear. I would hate for somebody to take this out of context and like think that it- right? No one will. Only the smartest people listen to Aaron is the flim flam funny one. Gemini. Your two-faced side is showing Gemini and the rest of the zodiac isn't pleased. You can't go around town girl bossing by day and male wifeing by night. It just doesn't work like that. If you want to simp, let's talk otherwise. Get out of town besties.

There's so much more. Go gatekeep some other gas lighter as far as we care. And don't expect a like and a comment on your TikTok video because we know you stole that audio and didn't get proper credit. Just like a Gemini would. Honestly, classic fucking Gemini. Nobody free boots like a fucking Gemini. I've said it before and I'll say it again. God. Honey, I don't know like what inspiration you got from that one. Like who inspired you to write that down, but they are fucking right. The moon, the sun, the gravitational pull of the satellites. Khaleesi, it was all of it. Khaleesi. Spoilers. RIP Khaleesi. All right, we have one final one and you know it better than most. Cancer. Our beloved laid to rest most recently, cancer.

You know, Jack, I don't think I will today. I'd rather spend my airtime discussing something I've been dying to say for quite a while now. Celebrity gossip is trivial and unimportant. And I'd personally like to apologize to you, Jack, for making you take that disgusting quiz. I farted out a few weeks ago. That's okay. Nobody actually needs to know who Gigi Hadid is or who Sean Mendez is dating or how many children got adopted by a power couple. Excuse you. Only three of them were adopted. The other three were, but I digress, but I digress. Going off script. The only celebrity gossip this gal cares about is when the heck the Dave Matthews band is going back on tour, by the way. It's now. I actually know people who are going

to the Chicago show in two weeks. Just kidding, babe. I'm just kidding. I already booked us tickets to see them live at Maryweather Post Pavilion in your old hometown of Columbia, Maryland, August 21st. What? To celebrate, let's go karaoke all of his albums in chronological order. Oh honey, I thought you would never. I hate you. Oh, you know what? I'm a little bummed you didn't, for whatever reason, read the Cancer Horsescope, but you know what? This is so much better. You wasted a message from the gods, okay? Thank you so much for getting me tickets to see Dave Matthews band at Maryweather Post Pavilion in Columbia, Maryland this August. You don't know how happy you've made me. Just because Cancer Season is now technically

seasonally over, does not mean that when the gods give you messages that you can shun them, okay? How dare you? Honey, you're the one that went off script. I don't know why. You've done this before too. It's really weird. This is bullshit. Maybe try again next week. And that's our podcast, ladies and gentlemen. What a way to celebrate the end of Cancer Season. I hope that that Leo the Lion comes in like a lion and rips your fucking face off. Okay? Because how dare you disgrace Cancer Season and the end of it in that way and in that manner? Ernie, I've tolerated you tonight, but I think I'd like my wife back for next week. Thank you. I tried my best. That's a shame, because it wasn't that good. Well, I didn't, you know.

Listeners, thanks so much for giving us a chance. We'll be back next week. Thank you so much for tuning in to our podcast this week. Thank you for allowing me to guest host. We will see who is in my chair next week. In the meantime, Godspeed, be good, and don't shun the gods if they're giving you messages. My goodness. Okay? Listen, always, channel, medium, and vessel.