Fairy Tale Fix - 12: Transportation Goldilocks

Episode Date: March 2, 2021

Finally, dragons AND fairies in one episode! Kelsey tells the wonderful tale of The Bird With Nine Heads from her newest book, Chinese Fairy Tales and Legends, while Abbie reaches for a couple of classic fairy stories in The Fairy Dance and Rent Day from A Treasury of Irish Fairy and Folk Tales.

Last stand brawl against zombies, dying of exhaustion after killing hundreds. Which is just such a badass way to go. Like, that is so fucking cool. That is exactly how I want to die. I got mauled by dolphins. That's my favorite one. Oh, I hate that. I hate that so much. I'm deeply in real life terrified of the ocean.

So that is not a badass way to die. It is not like Kelsey's, which sounds like something out of a really dramatic movie. She's just a freaking badass for 90 minutes and then she finally just collapses. But after she saved the world from a dolphin incursion, from a zombie,

from a zombie incursion. Zombies, dolphins. Dolphins are just zombies of the sea, aren't they? Instead of chicken of, no, tuna is chicken of the sea aren't they instead of chicken of no tuna is chicken of the sea it just has like it just has dolphins on the tin for some reason i'm so lost and confused anyway so i took it a third time and that time i got i don't die because i'm a mortal and i'm much better with that perfect answer yeah i thought that. I thought that was, I thought that was great. Much more realistic for Abby anyway. She is actually a mortal.

I feel like I am. I really feel like I must be. Is it possible to use the secret to make that happen? Do you think if I just concentrate on it, can I attract immortality to myself? I do not have that answer for you i'm sorry probably not that's fine it depends on what you mean by immortality i don't know my if i mean my immortal soul i don't think i have one of those as we've already established we're going to live on forever in this podcast there we go i guess that is that's a certain kind of immortality we'll just preserve it for future generations i guess until the destruction of man which yeah no but if we blast it out into space theoretically there's probably people out there who will love this

record of earthling fairy tales i'm so excited to read my story to you today. It's from a new book. Okay. And I think this might be my new favorite fairy tale book. I try not to read the fairy tales, you know, ahead of time because I like to be surprised. I like to not know what you're going to tell me. But this one, you don't have this book. I don't have that book.

So you can read all of them. And I did. I went on have that book. So you can read all of them. And I did. I went on this deep dive into these fairy tales. And it's a book called Chinese Fairy Tales and Legends. If you want to buy the book, there's a link in our show notes. It is such a good book. These stories are so good. Okay.

I am super excited. I am so excited to hear it. I actually had a hard time picking which one I was going to read to you because I actually wrote notes for a few of them. Really? Yeah. Oh, good. So now you've got like a lot to choose from. And there's one I'm really excited to read to you in the future because it totally made me think of you, but I'm not reading it just yet. Okay.

I'm going to save that one for the next couple of weeks here. So what are you reading me today? This one is called The Bird with Nine Heads. All right. That was the second one I read. Oh my God. Isn't that a great title? That's an amazing title.

I am so excited. The Bird with Nine Heads. The Bird with Nine Heads. What do you think The Bird with Nine Heads is about? Give me three predictions. Okay, we haven't done a Chinese fairy tale before, and I am unfamiliar with Chinese fairy tales outside of like one or two that I remember being read as a child. We did talk about Mulan. Yeah, we did talk about Mulan. And there are some

themes I can see just a little bit. My mom had a book of Chinese fairy tales that she read to my sister and I when we were younger. So I remember a couple of those vaguely. Since you kind of gave a hint about Mulan, I am going to predict that this story has a heavy theme of filial piety. That the protagonist is a young man from a small village. Okay. A bird with nine heads. What do I think the bird with nine heads does or represents or has?

It definitely has nine heads. I mean, aside from nine heads. Yeah. The bird with nine heads is a wish granting celestial being of some sort okay so those are my predictions love your predictions thank you and this is the bird with nine heads tell me how wrong i am you're so wrong damn it not that wrong okay long long ago there lived a king and a queen who had a daughter. One day, the daughter was walking in the garden when a powerful storm suddenly came and carried her away.

Now, the storm had come from the bird with nine heads who had stolen the princess and brought her to his cave. The king, desperate to know where his daughter had disappeared to, proclaimed throughout the land that whoever was to bring his princess back may have her for his bride. Really, dude? Is there no fairytale police? Is there like no fairytale private detective agency? No. Why is it like, marry my daughter if you find her?

If anyone can find her, you can marry her. Couldn't he just file a missing persons report? I know. You would think that the king would have some PIs or some soldiers at his disposal. Yeah.

But I guess not. Or, let's be real, as in all fairy tales, this is a girl. Are we really going to expend kingdom resources on a girl? Oh, no. Well, it sounds very classic fairy tale to me, which I love about this. And you'll see also why I love this story so much.

And you're going to love it, too. Okay. So, a young man, the protagonist. Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding. I think it's a point. Is he from a small village though? It doesn't say.

Oh, good. Okay. Then I'm just going to count that as a point for me. I think that's a point. I'm going to give that one to you. Thank you. So a young man had seen the bird carrying the princess to his cave. But the cave was in the middle of a solid rock wall.

No one could climb up it and no one can climb down to it. So as the young man was walking around the rock, another youth came along and asked him what he was doing. So the young man told him the whole story and the youth knew exactly what to do. He called together his friends and they lowered the first young man into the cave in a basket. Does that sound a little familiar? Yeah, it sure does. Getting some dwarfy feelings over here. You'll only know that if you are one of our Patreons. Sorry.

We had a special bonus episode called The Dwarfs, where something similar happened. Yep. In the cave, he saw the king's daughter sitting next to the beast, washing the wound of the bird with nine heads. For the hound of heaven had bitten off his tenth head. The wound was still bleeding. The hound of heaven? I know.

I feel like that's probably another story in this book. Yes, I want more details on that. There is none in this story. Okay, all right. But I do love that the bird did have ten heads at one point. So the princess was washing it and bandaged it the princess saw the young man and motioned for him to hide which he did when the princess was done tending to the bird's wound the bird with nine heads felt so comfortable that one after another all nine heads

fell asleep and the young man stepped forth from his hiding place and cut off his nine heads with a sword. Oh, shit. All nine? All nine. At once? Just one. I don't know. One after the other. We're really early into this story for the bird with nine heads to already be dead.

Yep. You know, actually, that's a really good point. The bird really isn't in it that much. This story is a lot like the dwarfs. It really is. There weren't a lot of dwarfs in that anyway. Yes. That's true.

So the king's daughter said, it would be best if you were hauled up first and I came after. But the young man refused and said, I will whip below here until you are safe. So the princess was not willing but she at least allowed herself to finally be persuaded and climbed up into the basket okay but before she did so she took a long pin from her hair and broke it in two halves giving the young man one and keeping the other she also divided her silk handkerchief with him and told him to take good care of both gifts so when the young men had pulled up the princess what do you know they left with her abandoning the poor young man in the cave

shocker all of his calling and pleading oh what a surprise what a poor boy poor kid at least the princess sounds clever though because i've got a funny feeling that she's got a plan for the pin and the handkerchief. She knew what was going to happen. She's pretty clever. She called it. Okay. Mm-hmm. So the young man walked around the cave and saw the bodies of a number of maidens who had all been carried off by the bird with nine heads and died there of hunger.

Yikes. Oh. That's totally horrifying. The bird didn't feed any of them? And he didn't like eat them either. So it sounds like he was capturing them to be his brides, but then, I don't know, forgetting they need food. It kind of reminds me of a very Western dragon.

Is this what happens to princesses who get captured by dragons probably yeah all right and they probably weren't princesses they were just maidens no fairy tale police yeah to look after them well it's debatable how well the police look after anyone that's a whole nother podcast got a whole other podcast to talk about that. So the young man's looking around the cave trying to, you know, find some food or find a way out. And on the wall, he sees a fish. Okay. And when the young man touches the fish, it turned into a handsome young man that thanked him for delivering him. And the two now agreed to look after each other as if they were brothers.

Aw. Just so random. Fish. Yeah, just a fish in a cave. And so I guess the young man sets off to explore more of the cave, leaving his newfound brother behind, hoping to find some source of food or water, since his sushi plans didn't work out.

That was my own joke. That was a good joke, Kelsey. I liked it. I laughed. It was an unwilling chuckle, but I did laugh. I wrote that in my notes. I was very proud of myself. Good job.

Oh, my God. You were definitely someone's dad in a previous life. Thank you. So while he's exploring the cave, he comes upon a dragon who is licking a stone. Oh, he imitated the dragon. And before long, his hunger had disappeared, which I don't know if that's because of the dragon magic or stone magic. I love that, though. Yeah, that's really cool.

Yeah. So soon he asks the dragon how to get out of the cave and the dragon motion for the young man to sit on his tail. And the youth climbed up and in a flash, he was down on the ground because the dragon had disappeared. Which is gotta love a trickster dragon. Fun fact, my favorite dragon is the Chinese dragon because they tend to be tricky like that. And this was the perfect example. Love it. I love that.

Okay. Jerk. You know, it's perfect because Chinese dragon have like the long beards and stuff. So I just imagine them as old, tricky men that are like, come sit on. Psych! Psych! Oh, I love that. The one Chinese folktale that I remember hearing as a child also involved a youth tricking a dragon into carrying him across a river.

But there was a lot of very intense negotiation first for that. He had to while his way around the dragon's doublespeak to make sure he left no loopholes for what the dragon was and was not allowed to carry him towards. Dragons are always awesome so uh the youth goes on exploring the cave and discovers a tortoise shell filled with beautiful pearls these were magic pearls throw them into the fire and the fire ceased to burn throw them into the water and the water divided letting you walk right through the youth took the pearls and kept them in his pocket how many were there does does it say? It does not say.

Okay. Like a handful, though. Okay. It's like, just scooped up the pearls. Pocketful pearls. Love it. Okay, go on.

Pretty dope. Very cool. Not long after, he came upon the seashore and flung a pearl into the sea. All at once, the waters divided

and he could see a great sea dragon. Yes! Who indeed? Yeah, right? And the youth answered, It's very specific. Okay. That was a very technical answer

young man you know he probably said it much more like like scared of the dragon like oh i found these pearls and and i i flung it into the sea and and this happened i'm sorry i'm sorry so the dragon says i love this if that is the case come into the sea with me and we will live there together and then the youth recognized him it was the dragon that had disappeared before oh okay and with him was the young man that had once been a fish and was now like a brother this was the dragon's son yes yeah always be nice to stuff you find in magic places it pays off every time always touch the magic fish always touch the magic fish but don't eat the magic fish oh so amazing okay dragon says old dragon says, since you have saved my son and become his brother, I am now your father, which is the coolest thing to have ever happened to anyone ever.

Oh, my God. That's the dream. And the dragon entertained the young man hospitably with food and wine. Best dragon dad ever. Dragon yes please i feel like the story could end here i feel like he's achieved as happily ever after to be honest i feel like this is i'm sorry what else do you want out of life i knew you would love this. God, I love that so, so much. Me too. Thank you.

Thank you for telling me this story. It's not even over and I love it. Go on. So one day his brother said to him, my father is sure to want to reward you. Accept no money nor any jewels, but only the little gourd flask over yonder. With it, you can conjure up whatever you wish. And sure enough, the old dragon asked the young man what he wanted by way of reward. And the young man said, I want no money nor any jewels.

All I want is a little gourd flask over yonder. So at first, the dragon did not wish to give it up, but at last he let him have it and the youth left the dragon's awesome undersea castle. This also is giving me some wonderful shirt vibes, which we do need to cover at some point. But I wonder if this dragon and that dragon are friends because they're just like, oh, wayward mortals.

Sometimes you just have to adopt them. I want one to adopt me. Me too. I want a cool dragon dad. As soon as he set foot on dry land again, he felt hungry. And all at once, a table appeared in front of of him covered with a fine and plentiful meal he ate and drank his fill then continued on his way after a while he felt weary and suddenly before him a donkey waiting for him to mount okay nice and after he had ridden for a while

the donkey's gait seemed too uneven for him to continue, and a wagon appeared before him. And onto that he climbed. But the wagon shook him up too much, and he thought, if only I had a litter, that would suit me better. Is he Goldilocks now? That is exactly what I wrote on here, that this guy is like the Goldilocks of transportation. Transportation Goldilocks. But he is so as soon as he even thinks that like a litter would be more comfortable which by the way i had to look it up so a litter is that like wheeless wagon that uh people pick up and carry yeah so that appears before him and you know he

seats himself inside it and it takes him all the way to the city just like levitating like there's no actual people carrying it no there no the people show up with it okay so it like comes accompanied with servants to pick it up and carry it okay all right so he just thinks thinks he wants something and it appears before that so this is a pretty dope gourd that is a very dope gourd yep absolutely good stuff good stuff good looking out from his bro okay are we now going to have a prince ali style entrance to the capital city that's definitely how i'm imagining it actually this does have very aladdin vibes doesn't it like being left in the cave and yeah getting wishes from not a genie but a dragon yeah i love this this is so much fun it's so good this is such a great story um so the bearers of the litter carried him into the city

to the king and the queen on that day the young man that had brought back the king's daughter a wedding was planned but the daughter refused to take part saying he is not the young man that had brought back the king's daughter, a wedding was planned, but the daughter refused to take part, saying, he is not the right man and my deliverer will come and bring with him half of the long pin for my hair and half of my silk handkerchief as a token. How long has it been? Did the story say, like, how long did he dwell with the dragons? It says a long time had passed and he had not appeared the rude young man pressed the king who grew impatient and said the wedding shall take place tomorrow okay and that is the very same day that the litter arrives in the litter arrives okay all right sorry if you said that already and i missed oh no it just said a long time okay great

so so the litter takes him to the king and the queen and the daughter sees the youth holding half of her self handkerchief in his hand and she is filled with joy and led him to her father there he showed his half of the long pin which fitted the other half exactly convincing the king that he was the right and true deliverer yay the false bridegroom was punished and the wedding with the true young man was celebrated and the two lived in peace and happiness

till the end of their days. The end. God damn it. That is such a great story. I love that story. Tell it again. So good. So there's actually

a couple notes I think you'll really like. So this book is great also because it gives you some background and history. Not a lot, but a little bit. Each story comes with like some notes. The bird with nine heads probably began as the nine-headed phoenix, the totem of the kingdom of Chu in central China. the totem of the kingdom of Chu in central China. But the Chu had rebelled against the Zhu dynasty during the Warring States period, and the phoenix was subsequently demonized.

So it was once the nine-headed phoenix, and then it wasn't. Okay. Interesting. And it also had this note, which I think would be good for future predictions. It said, gourd flasks often occur as magic talismans in Chinese fairy tales. Okay.

And spirits who serve their owners are often imprisoned in them. Interesting. So I haven't read anything with that in it, but maybe in the future. Maybe in the future. Okay. Yeah. I thought that was a cool little note like if it's if it's like a chinese fairy tale coming up be like i predict this has a this will have a gourd flask in it that is really interesting um also it's just interesting how

symbols change and symbols can be reappropriated to be something else, which is something that I also noticed with the stories that I'm going to tell. But we need to finish wrapping up yours first. That story is so freaking perfect. How would you fix that story? Really easily, actually. I would have them both travel back to the sea to live with the great dragon since he's now basically a prince of the sea that's true that is excellent i would have the prince and the princess go back i mean but since he married the king's daughter and i don't know how succession works or if it works

quite the same way in imperial china but doesn't that mean that he is going to be king someday i mean i feel like he's already king of the ocean. Prince of the ocean? Ocean dragon prince? I just want him to live with the dragon. Yeah, no, that's great. I'm sure they visit. You are now my son.

How great is that? But that's the only fix. Otherwise, I love this story so much. I thought it was just so much fun. And yeah, although you're right, not a lot of the nine headed bird. Yeah, that's, um, that is the only other thing is I would have I would have liked a little more background on the fight between the hound of heaven and the 10 headed bird. So I did look through the book. I don't remember seeing anything about that. But I do

want to hear more about that. Because that sounds that sounds so cool i want to know everything about that it has so many great stories would you fix it in any way just just more detail on uh the hound of heaven and just a little more nine-headed bird stuff like maybe maybe some prefaces about how like some of the other maidens he'd carried off just something i did find some really cool artwork that I'm going to post to our Instagram of the nine-headed bird. Yes, please. It doesn't quite look like a phoenix, but it looks really cool. And it was really hard to find. I found it because of another podcast that I haven't had a chance to listen to, but I definitely want to.

The Folktale Project with Dan Scholz. Oh, yeah. I haven't actually got a chance to listen to that podcast myself yet. Although by the time this comes out, I probably will. But they have a website and that's where I found the photo.

So I'll tag them when I post it. Okay. I think they're a more traditional folktale podcast where they just like read it and that's it. And they don't talk and laugh. They don't have a peanut gallery. So thank you, the Folktale Project, for posting that photo. And I'm excited to listen to it. All right.

You got one point. I got one whole point. Wow. It feels like it's been a long time since i've gotten any points so i feel really good about this i feel like i've gotten victory today yeah it definitely wasn't like about familial filial piety because i'm not no definitely not about that. But he was a young man, presumably of a peasant-ish providence. Yeah, I would assume so. Usually if he's a lord in his own right, they usually say so.

And he became the son of a dragon. Became the son of the dragon. Oh my God, what a cool title. The dream. Do you think he had that title like added to his name? Prince So-and-so, Son of the Dragon when they announce him at parties. That would be so cool. If I ever became the daughter of a dragon, I would make people call me that. Kelsey, daughter of the sea dragon. Yes. I wish they had names names no one had any names in this story which is unlike a lot

of the other stories in this book most of them have names yep that'll be fun for you to pronounce later yeah pick this one because the other few i read had a lot of names a lot of names you could have to write yourself a little pronunciation guide before you do those episodes. Perfect. Hey. Nailing it. Oh, yeah. Tell me a story.

Speaking of folk tales or mythological symbols that get reinterpreted over time within a culture and used for different purposes. I am going to be telling you two Irish fairy tales today. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You said it had fairies in it. Yes. So because it is March. It is time for fairy nonsense. And it is. And I'm going to read you I'm going to read you a bunch of Irish fairy nonsense today. A little bit of background. I am reading from this book that is called A Treasury of Irish and Fairy Folk Tales Today. This is the same book that I used for our test pilot that we recorded like two years ago. Yes. And that story you can hear on our Patreon, by the way.

Yep. It's bad quality audio, but the story, both of them are so good. The stories are excellent. We did not know what we were doing for audio recording yet, though. No. So. But we're still very funny, Anne. Yeah.

No, like our dynamic and the stories we nailed but our the quality of the audio is bad but uh but this is a wonderful book um this is really gorgeous it's hard cover it's like this dark green it's got a lot of celtic knots embossed on it and silver and gold it's it's it's one of the fancy like barnes and Noble collections that they like to put out on that like front table with that big 30% off sign all the time. And we'll put the link to the book in our show notes if you want to buy it for yourself. Absolutely. It's a really good, pretty extensive collection. There are a lot of stories in here.

It looks really nice on your bookshelf. Yeah, it has that like gold plating on the edge of the page where it's all shiny, which I love. Yeah. My, my partner said like that he, that the first time I picked it up and was reading from it,

he thought I was reading from a Bible. Cause it has the same kind of like shiny gold on the outside of it. I was like, no, I'm reading from something much more pagan and much, much better as someone who has owned many bibles in my past i would not have guessed that was a bible it's way too pretty he's used to the bibles that like you see in like a hotel room yeah those usually have like a really matte front. This one has just gorgeous gold embellishments and ornamental like drawings. Ireland and Guinness just also uses it as their logo. That's not the point of why I'm saying this. Most of the stories in here have no real attribution. They're just stories that have

been committed to paper over the years from various Irish informants, mostly in the 1840s. Since they were mostly written down in the 1800s, Ireland was very, very, very Christian by that point, and had been for several centuries, which you can just really see seeped into their fairy tales. So that's what I mean by traditions or an idea about what a supernatural or mythological thing is changing over time, being reappropriated for new societal values, new sets of morals, new mythologies coming in over time. There's a lot of different potential origins for what fairies are. The Gaelic term, by the way, for fairy people is Dini-shi. That's just fairy people in Gaelic. And there's a lot of debate

about what they are. They might be fallen angels who were not good enough to be saved nor bad enough to be lost. That might be an answer you'd get if you asked an irish person what a fairy is uh the gods of the earth the gods of pagan ireland is a possible answer in the original gaelic they were called the thua de dunan which is basically like the tribe of the gods cool in. In Gaelic, super cool. I love that. Me too. So there's a lot of different interpretations for what the origin of fairies are, what they might be,

as most things are in this world, a combination of all of those things and more. But the thing that seems to be very common is that they are capricious and inconsistent and very easily offended. You're not supposed to talk about them very much. It's actually apparently really hard to get Irish people to talk about them. You have to go spend a lot of time in Ireland and become friends with children and old people and coax the stories out them because apparently the Fair Folk get

pretty upset if you just reference them or talk about them too much. Do you think that's still true today? I honestly don't know. This book was reprinted in 2015, but I don't know. I'm getting most of this from the introduction of the book, and I don't know when that was written. So I'm not sure. I would have to go to Ireland and spend some time. I would like to imagine that they're still superstitious about like fairies. I like to think so too. That is a cool part of the tradition that you're not supposed to acknowledge them very much. The flip side of that, they're very easily offended and you're not supposed to call them anything else except the gentry or the good folk when you do refer to them.

But they can also be really helpful to you. They're very easily pleased. Like if you leave them a dish of milk out on your windowsill, then they'll make sure that you have a good harvest and that you just have a lot of good luck in general. I picked two stories that reflect these two opposite sides of fairies' natures. So I'm also going to give you a little bit of a hint for your predictions. This is the not-so-nice side of fairies, is the story that I'm going to read you for this first one. It's called The Fairy Dance. They're really short. You may make two on each story. Okay, sounds good. Bad fairies and good fairies.

I want to be a bad fairy. I want to be a bad fairy. I want to be a bad fairy. If you listen to our very first practice run for this podcast, I totally go off and talk about how I want to, I am imagining bad fairies all jamming out to Rob Zombie. Oh my God. Absolutely. We all refused, but we did make friends. They loved us, but they were like, I'm not going to do that. They thought we were funny, but they definitely did not want to do that. I mean, to be fair, and one of them did tell us, he said, it's not that I don't want to because I also like Rob Zombie, but I would get fired. Yeah, he was like, I will literally get fired. but I would get fired.

Yeah, he was like, I will literally get fired. It's not that that isn't a cool idea, but I don't want to lose my job. Which is fair. And we were like, okay, fine. Yeah. I want to guess that this story, see, it's hard when you have two. can you just tell me the name of both of them i'm the first story is called the fairy dance and then the second story is called rent day that did

nothing for me yes that helped me in zero ways did that uh did that not help i want to guess that at least one of the stories has the thing where fairies try to get you to drink the fairy wine okay there's dinosaurs no that's not my prediction there's not i'll give you that one for free i predict that the protagonist is human in one of the stories but but not both. Ooh, okay. That's a fun prediction. That's fun as hell. Okay. Please tell me a tale. The Fairy Dance.

One evening in late November, which is the month when spirits have the most power over all things, as the prettiest girl in all the island was going to the well for water, her foot slipped and she fell. It was an unlucky omen. And when she got up and looked around, it seemed to her as if she were in a strange place and all around her was changed as if by enchantment. I love it. I know. It's very cool. It's very cool. It's so exciting. But at some distance, she saw a great crowd gathered around a blazing fire and she was drawn slowly on towards them till at last she stood in the very midst of the people but they kept silence looking fixedly at her and she was afraid and tried to turn and leave them

but she could not get out of there yes exactly There is a beautiful youth, like a prince, with a red sash and a golden band on his long yellow hair. And he comes up to her and he asks her to dance. Okay. Just kidding. Say yes. Say yes. Say yes. And drink the wine.

It is a foolish thing of you, sir, to ask me to dance when there is no music that's what she says to him because it's dead silent yep she's she's a bit of a she's got some sass she's a she's a sassy irish wench okay he's like you right and he lifts his hand and waves to his people and instantly the sweetest music sounded near her and around her and the young man takes her hand and they dance and they dance till the moon and the stars went down and she feels like she's floating on air and she forgets everything in the world except the dancing the sweet low music and her beautiful partner i'm so romantic i know i know you definitely think so well oh gosh is this another vampire

no definitely not another vampire but uh okay maybe don't dance with strangers is the moral of these fairy tales definitely uh might be the moral of this one they dance until dawn as the dancing ceases her partner thanks her and invites her to supper with him and his company she's not really given an opportunity to accept his dinner invitation because the ground just opens up. Okay. So I guess this is my life now. Okay. Yeah, okay.

I'll come to dinner. It's not dangerous or coercive at all. Yeah, absolutely. So she goes down this flight of steps that's an opening in the ground and the young man who seems to be the king amongst them all, leads her down, followed by the whole company. I'm picturing Legolas, by the way. Ooh.

Like the Orlando Bloom Legolas. Not unreasonable, because he basically does wear this pretty circlet on his yellow hair. He's pretty when he runs. He is a fairy prince, basically. So that tracks. Oh, wait. Fairies and elves are different. Not really.

That's how I imagine them, though, like fairies. As like the elves from Lord of the Rings. Especially like the fair folk in Irish fairy stories. Yeah. Well, because Tolkien based the elves on fair folk. Nailed it. Yeah. No, so you're right.

Legolas is a fairy prince in pretty much every way. Tolkien just calls them elves. She goes downstairs with Legolas. And at the end of the... Now that's just how I'm imagining the rest of the story. So at the end of the stairs, they come upon a large hall, all bright and beautiful with gold and silver and lights, and the table was covered with everything good to eat, and wine was poured out in golden cups for them to drink. The fairy wine. The fairy wine. Don't drink the fairy wine. When she sat down, they all pressed her to eat the food and to drink the wine. Fairy wine. Don't drink the fairy wine. When she sat down, they all pressed her to eat the food and to drink the wine.

And she was, you know, she was pretty tired after all that dancing, Kelsey. She was pretty tired. So she wanted some sustenance. Yeah. She took the golden cup the prince handed to her and raised it to her lips to drink. She took the golden cup the prince handed to her and raised it to her lips to drink. Just then, a man passed close to her and whispered, Eat no food and drink no wine or you will never reach your home again.

Yes. Yeah. You're a homie. So she lays down the cup. She's not stupid. She refuses to drink. You know, she was temporarily overcome by how tired she was but she you know that was a good reminder for her like oh right fairies when she puts her cup down all of the fey folk just get super upset they're very angry with her and a

great noise arises and a fierce man with dark hair stands up and says whoever comes to us must drink with us and i'm imagining the other elf from lord of the rings now elrond yeah like it's a it's a it's a hugo weaving type because he has dark yeah a fierce a fierce dark-haired man absolutely yes man i wish it were her except i would do the opposite I'd just be like yep drink the wine yep fine this is fine never going home this seems great why would I uh go home and so this dark haired man Elrond seized her arm and holds the wine to her lips and it says here that she almost died of fright but at that moment a red-haired man came up and he took her by the hand and led her out of the room he tells her you're safe for right now but

you're not going to be safe here forever so take this herb and hold it in your hand until you reach home and then no one will be able to harm you and he gives her a branch of ivy. She takes it and she flees away up the stairs back up onto the top of the hill, runs off into the slowly lightning sky. And she hears footsteps behind her in pursuit. in pursuit. She finally gets home, she bars the door, she goes to bed, and a great clamor arises outside, and she hears voices crying out to her. The power we had over you is gone through the magic of the herb, but wait, when you dance again to the music of the hill, you will stay with us forevermore, and none shall hinder. So she can't dance ever again? Not to fairy music. How do you know? You just know. Never gonna dance again.

It's a... Sorry. Unless I dance with fairies. Yep. That is pretty much the deal. I think it's an Irish survival instinct as you know fairy music when you hear it. Irish survival instinct is you you know fairy music when you hear it irish survival instinct she keeps the magic branch safely and the fairies never troubled her ever again but it was long and

long before the sound of the fairy music left her ears which she had danced to that November night on the hillside with her fairy lover. The end. So romantic. I know. Oh my gosh. I know. Why didn't she stay? I would stay. That's how I would fix the story too.

I forgot we were fixing the stories for just a minute because that was so good. This is exactly my favorite kind of fairy story because it's so swept up with romance and it's so beautiful and it does sound dreamy yeah so dreamy and so fun like you just danced the night away with all of these beautiful people and then they bring you to their hall and try to persuade you to eat all of their fabulous food but usually terrible things happen to mortals who do eat the food. Anything from losing to your immortal soul or becoming a servant under the hill for the rest of your life. Nothing good happens to mortals who are captured. Yeah, it's not like you become a fairy or just get to stay there. No, no. Usually they're tricking you into it because they want something from you.

It's that fuckboy again. Yeah, fairies are big fuckboy energy. Just say no. Just say no to that fairy wine. Just don't do it. It's just like the D.A.R.E. program when we were in elementary school. Yeah. Say no to cigarettes and fairy wine.

Another way I would fix it is that the red-haired man who took her away or gave her the hint was not a fairy and she ended up marrying him. I don't know. It was just so romantic. I just,

I have all the romance vibes. It is. It sounds like a perfect like late spring night fairy tale. Absolutely. And it's definitely like to warn young people away from having too much fun.

I feel like I've been to those parties. Yeah. Where you're just swept away in the night and you're like, I don't ever want to go home. Who needs to go home? Who cares though? I'm just going to dance forever and drink forever and never have

responsibilities again. Oh, I love that story. That was so good. Fun story about the woman who collected this story for this thing. It was collected by Lady Wilde, a.k.a. Jane Wilde, a.k.a. Oscar Wilde's mother. That's very cool. Yeah, I thought that was really neat.

So she told it or collected it? She collected it. She was apparently something of a poet also. And she published a lot of anti-British, pro-Irish independence protest poetry in the 1840s. I love it. That's awesome. It's pretty awesome. Her pen name was Sparenza, which is Italian for hope.

Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. And she really loved folktales. And she worked with her husband, William, who also really loved folktales, to collect them. she worked with her husband, William, who also really loved folktales, to collect them. And she published books of them in the 1870s for sad reasons, because William died and he was pretty much bankrupt, as it turns out, at that point. So she was trying to keep her head above water financially. And then she died of bronchitis and no one let her see Oscar, her son, one last time because he was currently in prison for being gay.

Fucking 1800s bullshit still. Still. The end of her story is very upsetting, but she seemed like she was a very, very cool person. I love that whole family. I don't actually know that much about Oscar Wilde. It's been a while. I really haven't done any literary reading. I only know like a couple of his plays because my parents put them on.

There are so many hilarious, very mean sayings that he's famous for. He was a very, very pithy, like really witty guy. Very cool. Yep. And I think I got one point. You did get one point. Yes. I was so excited about the wine.

Yeah. You got one point for the fairy wine. And so the second story is Rent Day. And we'll see if you got any points there. Okay. So this story is called Rent Day, which was collected by T. Crofton Croker, who was the opposite Lady Wilde. He was doing most of his work around the 1820s. And he apparently belonged to an Anglo-Irish ascendancy class of folks.

This is from very limited readings, so take this with many grains of salt. But it sounds like a bunch of British Protestants essentially colonizing Ireland and shutting a lot of Catholic, Jewish, and other populations out of the political scene. So that's fun. And sorry, what year again? 18... 1820s. There's also some dispute over who deserves credit for collecting Tea Croft and Croker stories, because he lost a lot of his manuscript notes, and apparently heavily relied on a couple of friends to help him reconstruct them,

and then they sued him. Somebody needs to make a comedy drama series out of our 1800s... Just called 1800s tea. Please. We're going to copyright that. We're going to come up with it. I'm just kidding. I don't want to do all that work.

I just want somebody to make it so I can watch it. Yeah, because I just want to see because it was just... Basically Downton Abbey, but about 1800s authors. Yes. Yes, that is what I want. I want Downton Abbey for 1800s artists. Yes. Yes. That is what I want. I want Downton Abbey for 1800s artists. Please and thank you.

God, that sounds so good. I'll offer up Abbey's amazing services as being the narrator. The narrator. Yes, I volunteer to narrate. As we all know, I love the sound of my own voice

and I will do whatever. This is rent day. There's a guy named bill duty bill duty bill duty d-o-o-d-y and he's pretty sad duty duty yep oh man bill duty and he's sitting on a rock by the lake of killarney and he's pretty bummed out because tomorrow is rent day and his landlord swears that if he doesn't pay his rent he'll just confiscate everything that he and his family have and he'll put Bill and his wife Judy and their poor little children turned out onto the high road to starve for the never a half penny of rent have i oh that

i ever should live to see this day and he's just bemoaning his rotten luck by the lake i just want to throw out there that his wife's name is judy i didn't actually put that together when I was writing it. Judy, Judy. Jeez. Okay, guess. I've had way too much champagne for this podcast, by the way. Okay.

Should I speed things up? No, no, no, no. I just, I love that so much. Bill and Judy, Judy. So good. I love bill and judy duty you were you were laughing about roasted cock in our last episode so i feel less bad it's because we're not mature we're very mature adults we're grown-ass women with very important serious full-time jobs outside of this. So grown, so serious. Bill Doody is bemoaning his hard fate,

pouring his sorrows to the reckless waves of the most beautiful of lakes. It really seems to him that this day in May is just mocking him with how freaking gorgeous it is outside and he's about to lose everything. I've been there. I mean, the day mocking me and how beautiful it is. Yes, absolutely. When you're just in an absolutely garbage mood, your life is not going well and it's gorgeous outside. And you have to go to anthropology class. Yes. And it just feels like a big middle finger to you specifically.

Yet Bill Doody was not so desolate as he supposed. There was one listening to him he little thought of, and help was at hand from a quarter he could not have expected. What's the matter with you, my poor man? said a tall, portly-looking gentleman at the same time stepping out of a furze break. So I looked it up. A furze. Thank you. F-U-R-Z-E is apparently a very spiny and dense evergreen shrub with fragrant golden yellow flowers common throughout Western Europe. That sounds beautiful. It actually does sound really pretty. So that's what a furze is because I absolutely had no idea when I was reading this. Yeah, I was going to ask you.

Yeah, you're welcome. Anyway, so he's behind a large furze bush. He steps out from behind it. And now Bill was seated on a rock that commanded the view of a large field. Nothing in the field could be concealed from him except this furze break, which grew in a hollow near the margin of the lake. He was therefore not a little surprised at the gentleman's sudden appearance and began to question whether the personage before him belonged to this world or not. That's a really pretty way to put it. I think so too. It sounds a little ominous to me. Like, are you of this world or not? And that can really go either way. They can break either way

with fairies. He, however, soon mustered courage sufficient to tell him how his crops had failed, how some bad member had charmed away his butter, and how Tim the driver, his landlord, threatened to turn him out of the farm if he didn't pay up every penny of the rent by 12 o'clock the next day. The stranger is super sympathetic. He thinks that is a very sad story, but he says, surely if you represented the case to your landlord's agent, he wouldn't have the heart to turn you out. Bill exclaims,

ha! You've obviously never rented before. Yeah, you've obviously never dealt with landlords before. Thanks for your input, homeowner. Homeowner. Yes, exactly. Heart, your honor. Where would a landlord get a heart exclaimed bill which accurate landlords are uniformly terrible i see that your honor does not know him bill

goes on to continue explaining to the strange gentleman that his landlord has had an eye on his farm for a long time. And he'll be able to claim the farm as his own if Bill can't pay the rent. He doesn't expect any mercy at all. And the stranger is just like, oh, that won't do. Take this, my poor fellow. Take this. And he pulls a purse full of gold out of his pocket and hands it to Bill. Pay the fellow your rent, but I'll take

care. It shall do him no good. So he's a good and bad fairy. He's a very fairy person in the sense that he's going to help this person and hurt another person all with the same action, depending on his own particular sense of what's good and what's bad i feel like all fairies are chaotic neutral yes yes that is pretty accurate actually they just kind of do whatever based on whatever they feel like in the moment that's why they're my favorite so he says that he will make sure that the money does the landlord no good and that he remembers a time when things went otherwise in this country when i would have hung up such a fellow in the twinkling of an eye. These words were lost upon Bill, who was insensible to everything but the sight of the gold,

and before he could unfix his gaze and lift up his head to pour out his hundred thousand blessings, the stranger was gone. So overwhelmed with gratefulness. Yes, absolutely. blessings the stranger was gone so overwhelmed with gratefulness yes absolutely he looks around in search of his benefactor and at last he thought he saw him riding on a white horse a long way off on the lake ah so much fairy goodness right here it's just very magical this fairy doing a good turn for him and he calls him odonohue for some reason. I don't know why. But he just starts shouting, O'Donohue, O'Donohue, the good, the blessed O'Donohue. And he runs capering like a madman to show Judy Doody the

gold and to rejoice her heart with the prospect of wealth and happiness. I bet she's so happy. Judy Doody is very happy indeed. So all I can think of is that like maybe this particular fairy is well known in this area, like maybe he's sort of a regional patron spirit, because he calls him by name after he sees him riding away on the horse. O'Donoghue. The next day, Bill proceeds to the landlord's house, not sneakingly with his hat in his hand, his eyes fixed on the ground and his knees bending under him, but bold and upright, like a man conscious of his own independence. Abby had a great facial expression. Yeah, sorry. That was a very visual bit for an audio. I was gazing off into the middle distance as if I was a woman very confident of my own independence. She was really channeling that feeling just now. His landlord's agent, when he finally gets to the place where, you know, you go and you pay your rent, keeps saying, why don't you take off your hat?

Don't you know you're speaking to a magistrate? And Bill says, I know I'm not speaking to the king. And I never takes off my hat, but to them i can respect and love the eye that sees all knows i've no right either to respect or love a landlord a little sassy a little money and all that you scoundrel retorted the man in office biting his lips with rage at such an unusual and unexpected opposition. I'll teach you how to be insolent again. I have the power, remember? They're having a very big dick contest right now.

Absolutely a dick measuring contest. And I love it. Which, if you have ever been in a business meeting ever, you're very used to this. And you've definitely seen it. You've definitely watched people do this. Nobody wins. But it does go on for a long, long time.

It doesn't make any sense. Why are they even feuding right now? Oh, good. You have the money. Thank you, sir. That's just not how it works. It's very contentious.

He's not being properly obsequious. Here's this money I didn't earn. Ha ha! I am so like, it's just... He's got the blessing of O'Donoghue himself, Kelsey. He's practically a king now.

You don't have to brag about it. That's all I'm saying. Maybe just be humble and grateful. Oh, goodness. Well, what they're doing is they're having a pissing contest about whether or not he should be wearing a hat. Eye roll central. Just hand over the gold and leave. Or don't be such a bitch about like, okay, so he wore his hat to turn over his money. Like, everybody calm down. The guy is getting very upset and reminds him that he has the power. Bill says, basically,

screw you. I'm going to keep my hat on. And he keeps his head as firmly covered as if he was and reminds him that he has the power. Bill says, basically like, screw you, I'm gonna keep my hat on. And he keeps his head as firmly covered as if he was the Lord Kingsdale himself. The magistrate says, okay, whatever. Have you got the money for me? This is rent day. And if there's one penny of it wanting

or the running gale that's due, prepare to turn out before night for you shall not remain another hour in position and bill basically just like tosses some of the gold at him and goes there's your rent make sure to count it and give me a receipt oh yeah some real dick measuring trash talk right there and so the magistrate just stares askance at the gold for it was gold real guineas and not bits of dirty ragged small notes that are only fit to light one's pipe with which i guess is what bill usually pays him that's good that's something right to light your pipe you just say he pays him in weed because that's what i like to

imagine yes i mean i think he'd probably like that more so he takes the gold he counts it he hands the receipt to bill who's strutted off with it as proud as a cat of her whiskers the agent goes back to his desk and behold there is no gold coins there anymore. In the place of the gold coins is a heap of gingerbread cakes. Still good. Still good. You can eat those. That's more than what you were going to give Bill if he didn't have the money. He raved and swore, but all to no purpose.

The gold had become gingerbread cakes just marked like the guineas with the king's head. And Bill had the receipt in his pocket. So there was no use in saying anything about the affair as he would only get laughed at for his pains. From that hour, Bill Doody and Judy Doody grew rich. All his undertakings prospered. And he often blesses the day that he met with O'Donohue the great prince that lives down under the lake of Killarney absolutely beautiful thank you what would you fix about that the only thing that I would fix about that is is capitalism I would just fix

capitalism that put poor Bill Doody in this position in the first place but then there wouldn't be a story then there wouldn't be a story. Then there wouldn't be a story, but there might be other stories, you know? That's true. Less sad stories. Less stories about imminent homelessness if you can't pay the rent. And so you had to appeal to a fairy prince, you know? But the fact that there was a fairy prince there to help him get one over on his landlord is pretty dope. That's the only thing I'd fix about the story. And that story was honestly the greatest. Do you have any fixes for it? I was really distracted by Judy Duty. I love that they had names, but that was a little distracting. I was giggling like a little school girl. She should be named something else. I love the story. And I honestly can't think of any fixes.

It was great. It was really fun. I'm glad you enjoyed that. I like the first one a little bit better. Yeah, the first one is a more classic fairy tale situation. And I love that. And it was so beautifully written, like the romance of it. I also love fairy stories where you're a perfectly normal person having a perfectly normal problem. and then a fairy just shows up out of nowhere and like fixes it for you. That'd be great. That'd be very cool. I like that a lot too.

So yeah, you got one point for the two stories. Yeah, because I thought there was only gonna be a human protagonist in one. That the fairy dance was gonna be part of like some sort of pagan ritual. Which it could have been, but it didn't explicitly say. Exactly. Like if it had been like a specific festival they were celebrating, I might have given it to you. That wasn't what it was.

It was just very fun. Yeah. I love the way those fairies think. I like the way they play. Trying to kidnap humans. As they want to do. Yeah, that's going to do it for us today. Thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix.

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we would love to hear from you. The princess and the young man traveled back to the sea to live out their days in the castle of the great sea dragon. And the beautiful girl in the fairy dance decided,

ah, hell with it, and drank the fairy wine and, well, something probably it, and drank the fairy wine. And, well, something probably not nice happened to her, but it was probably interesting. Worth it. And Bill Doody never had problems because capitalism didn't exist. And they lived happily ever after. The end.