Fairy Tale Fix - 33: Cheery Holiday Feels

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

Kelsey and Abbie get into the holiday spirit the only way they know how – with some sad, existentially dreadful tales written by a couple of sad Victorian bisexual boys. Kelsey reads Hans Christian Andersen’s The Steadfast Tin Soldier, while Abbie opts for Oscar Wilde’s The Happy Prince.

Also, was Hans Christian Erikson, I kept calling him a sad Victorian boy. Was he a Victorian boy or an Edwardian boy? He was a Danish boy. 1837 to 1901. Yeah, so he was a Victorian boy. Okay, cool. A Victorian man. He was a sad Victorian boy. This is Fairytale Fix.

Yes, that's the name of this podcast. Yep. I'm Kelsey. And I'm Abby. And we've decided that we should probably have been introducing each other or ourselves this entire time, maybe. Abby, we've been doing this for a little over a year now, which is really exciting. Yeah, we do professionally do this. Unbelievably, people do pay us to do this podcast. Yeah. So if this is your first time listening to Fairytale Fix, welcome. Welcome.

This is the podcast where Abby and I tell each other fairy tales and talk about them in between. And we're basically like the peanut gallery for fairy tales. These are the things that go through our brains while we're reading these fairy tales. Would we say we're the peanut gallery? I mean, isn't that like, well, no, no, no, we're right. We are the peanut gallery. We're the people who sit in the cheap seats at the circus and yell at the performers and throw peanuts at them and tell them how they could definitely be doing it better.

That's exactly what we do here. And that is what we do here. It's really fun. I enjoy it very much. Me too. We take fairy tales and then we fix them. That's the the premise if you've never tuned in before most times sometimes we forget to fix them or they don't need it yeah you know actually so many fairy tales i've been reading lately i feel like don't really need that much of a fix like they're they're so good they're just great already um a surprising amount of them when we started this podcast we thought that that was not going to be the case, that most of them are going to need fixing. And I think it's ending up shaking out

to be about half and half. Okay, but here's the thing. I think a lot of our fixes, I think we don't fix them because they're already so fucked up. And usually our fixes to make it worse. Yeah, we want the maiden to become a witch or nope that's making it better that's definitely making it better we the in in some cases though like when we were we were we did um lu bobo a few weeks ago and our fix was we wanted to we wanted it to be more murdery than it already was so So was that a fix? Debatable. Have you ever watched a Disney movie? Would that have made the story more fun for us? Yes.

Well, and I think that's it. Like this podcast really came from the idea that we used to watch like these Disney films or fairy tale films. And we would just laugh and be like, well, they obviously should have ended it this way. And we did that constantly. So we decided just to do it with some microphones instead. Yeah. laugh and be like well they obviously should have ended it this way and we did that constantly so we decided just to do it with some microphones instead yeah we were already having these conversations good times um so this is a bit again i hate to bring i hate to bring it up

and i hate to beat a dead horse uh and it also is from a patreon episode where also lots of horses are dead and no other other stuff go go check out our patreon episodes they are buck wild but um i was so okay so last night i was having dinner with Chris and Elizabeth, who are a couple of our friends. And we're on this kick right now where we're watching bad vampire movies. We just finished the Twilight Quartet, the Twilight Saga. You mean really bad vampire movies? Really bad vampire movies. I got excited for a moment. No.

No, not like bad as in campy but still horror. Just bad vampire movies. So the series we're on right now is Blade. Oh, awesome. Which I have never seen. Oh, okay. Have you seen Blade? Yeah.

It's been ages. Okay. Well, I have seen the first one as of now. We'll do two and three at some TBD date, and then we'll probably move on to Underworld. Nice. Yeah, that's another good one. Another great bad vampire flick. It's a good bad vampire movie.

It's a good bad vampire movie. I enjoy Underworld very much, but it is by no stretch of the imagination a great film. Anyway, so we were watching blade and i the entire time especially toward the end i was thinking about roland the the story and why and how we're very upset that it's called roland at all and i was having the exact same feeling watching blade wondering why is this movie called Blade? This movie should be called Karen. Karen, it does fucking everything in this movie. That doesn't sound as cool. That's all. It does not sound as cool, but I'm pretty sure we could give Karen a cool superhero nickname. Karen deserved a better name. Karen deserved a better name. And this movie deserved to be named after her because- Not that Karen's not a great name.

It has been somewhat, it's not a great name anymore. Yeah. You know, I just, Blade is just so much cooler. Yeah, no, Blade's a really cool name. I like it. It's great. It's just that Blade, the character, does fuck all for most of the movie. Wesley Snipes just saunters around in his trench coat and he looks great. He's got great tattoos. He says stuff that is not actually that cool. All of his one-liners are hilariously bad. skating uphill in in a sense in like a context that it made absolutely no sense for him to be saying that at all but but but karen the the lady in it um comes up with the final way that he defeats the big bad at the end she rescues herself from a a pit with a vicious uh like an ex-boyfriend that was turned into a vampire and then tries to eat her she beats him to death with a femur that just happens to be lying around and then uses the femur to claw her

way out of a pit spoiler alert sorry spoiler alerts for blade if you haven't seen blade but anyway she's super smart she does everything and she's the only reason that blade is able to do fuck all at the end of the movie so the movie should have been called karen or they should have given karen a cool superhero name and it should have been called that yeah that is my that is my rant and my fix for blade well now i need to watch i need to re-watch blade because it has been ages since i've seen that like you showed. It was really fun. Just such a long time. It was a super fun watch, but I just could not believe how Karen was doing literally everything the entire movie long. And yet this was not a movie about her. I hate that. It really was.

I hate that. It was a bunch of blustery dudes who were just fumbling the ball all over the place. And then one competent woman. That sounds like every fairy tale we've read. Yes, it really does sound like every fairy tale we've read on this show. Oh, I have so many feelings about it. I'm really excited to see Blade 2. I'm told that Karen continues to be super duper smart by not appearing in it. Oh, you know, I have, I don't know if I've seen Blade 2 or 3.

I think I've only seen the first one. If I weren't on such a holiday movie kick right now, I might have to do that tonight. Did you know they made a Princess Switch 3? Yes, I know. I do that tonight. Did you know they made a Princess Switch 3? Yes, I know. I did see that. I saw a preview for that. Why? I don't know, but what a time to be alive.

I actually, I thought the Princess Switch was actually really funny. Like, it's such a bad, like, Hallmark Christmas movie, but it just, it made me laugh because it's so cheesy and so bad. And obviously, my favorite Christmas movie, Gremlins. Gotta watch that. Yes, absolutely. I haven't watched that one yet. Gotta make sure you squeeze that in before the end of the year. So many good movies.

What's your favorite holiday movie? Tweet at us at FairytaleFixPod. I want to know. Please let us know. We need – well, I need a list of holiday movies that I should look into because I don't actually have any. Holiday movies and bad vampire movies. I immediately thought Underworld. Yes. I actually really love that series. So good. Me too. I adore it.

I think it's, I think under, I think the Underworld franchise is so much fun and it makes absolutely no sense at all. But, I wish they had made more. Yes. I wish they had made more Van Helsing movies.

They, oh yeah. Speaking of another excellent Kate Beckinsale film. God, she's so hot in that movie. She's so fucking beautiful. Looks good in tight leather pants. Who plays Dracula

in that? I don't remember his name, but he was a sexual awakening for me. Yeah, he was amazing. Richard Roxburgh. I actually don't know who that is i have no i don't know if i've seen him in anything else ever but he was so fabulously over the top in that movie and hugh jackman's in it it's honestly it's great i you know highly recommend oh you know what okay here's why I was having a hard time finding the people in it I guess are they they're making a new Van Helsing there's a Van Helsing 2021

oh maybe it's the there's a tv series that's what I was looking at wait okay is it based off of the same is it is it set in sort of the same like very heightened reality comic booky style world? I don't know. But it looks really interesting. It's been going on since 2016. So this is news to me. You know what sucks? I just found a series. Okay. It's called Ghosted. okay it's called ghosted i'm so sad like they just added it to hulu not that long ago or maybe it was always there and i didn't know it but it was called ghosted and it has craig robinson and adam scott and they like are working for the government for like paranormal ghost stuff and it was so cute oh my god i watched the entire season. It was in 2017. So it obviously got canceled.

There's only one season and I was really sad about it, but it's been really like fun to watch. I don't know. That's what I've been doing. That's what you've been doing. That's a great use of your time. I need to watch this. Absolutely.

I love Craig Robinson so much. Yeah. And they're so cute together. Like I absolutely love them oh the whole cast is just amazing so yeah i haven't so i have the i'm on the last episode i'm gonna watch that probably later today dear lord i'm so sad because it's probably gonna end on cliffhanger and there's never gonna be any any resolution and it makes me so sad it's fun to watch i did that all weekend basically nice you made good choices then maybe i should actually get out and like walk around and do

something but no absolutely not it's it's winter time now um exactly it gets dark at like why go outside and it's so cold oh my gosh like i don't remember it being this cold this early in winter tell me tell me how cold it is how cold is it healthy it's so cold oh yeah it's probably not as cold as maryland how cold is it in chico california it's cold for me I don't like the cold, which is weird because I'm Danish. Neither do I. Well, I don't think Danish people necessarily like the cold. No, but they do live in it constantly. So they've developed defense mechanisms for it. Exactly. Speaking of great Danish people. This is an excellent segue. Are you telling me a Hans Christian Andersen story today?

Absolutely. It is Christmas time. It's time for sad Victorian bisexual boys. So I am reading a story from our favorite bisexual disaster, Hans Christian Andersen, and the story, I promise you,

does not disappoint. I don't know if it really counts as a Christmas story, but I am counting it as one. Because I liked it and I'll give you reasons as we go through the story. I don't want to give any spoilers. Excellent. But I chose The Steadfast Tin Soldier. Okay. Oh, I'm so excited.

I love sad Hans Christian Andersen winter stories. Me too. And this one, I promise, does not disappoint. It's so good. Yes. There's also a Hallmark cartoon, like a 20-minute cartoon based off of it. And Tim Curry does a couple of voices. And I watched that yesterday.

So I'll send you the link okay it's on youtube it's a really blurry and like terrible quality but it was really fun to watch it took me back i'm sure i've seen it before okay so my predictions are for the small tin soldier what was it the steadfast tin soldier the steadfast tin soldier. Okay. What do I want to predict about how much just existential ennui and pangs of disappointed hopes are going to be? Just how much existential dread do you think is in this? How much is the fear of death and one's own insignificance interwoven into this Hans Christian Andersen Christmas story? You know there's some.

It's not zero. It has to be some. It's not going to be zero. That man got sad in the winter. Oh, man. Okay, so you say that this is not a Christmas story, right? It's not a Christmas story, but I feel like it could be. Okay.

If I changed one word in the story, it could totally be a Christmas story. Okay. So you did give me a small spoiler because you asked me if I thought that stories about toys counted. So I don't think it's right for me to guess that the Steadfast Tin Soldier is a toy. That's very noble of you to not guess that. I am an upstanding person. I forgot that I said that. Yep, you definitely, I'm trying to be on the up and up here.

Okay, so the Steadfast Tin Soldier was given as a Christmas gift to a child, but the story does not take place during Christmas. Okay. Um, the steadfast tin soldier sacrifices its wellbeing in some way for the child. By the end of the story, a cat tries to eat the toy. I can't try to see the toy jet.

That's just a wild, that's just a wild, a wild guess, a wild swing that's just a wild, a wild guess, a wild swing that I'm taking on that one, but it is something I'd like to see. I like it. And that sounds fun. I'm just,

I am integrating toy story a little bit into it and replacing like Sid's dog with a cat. But honestly, this story is like the OG toy story. I am almost after reading it. I'm almost convinced that toy story was originally going to be like a steadfast tin soldier retelling and they just made it like modern toys. Not that that's like the whole story exactly,

but it's definitely got inspiration from this it has to has to have yeah absolutely i'm very excited to find out how oh my god i'm what i almost want to retract my third one to the the steadfast tin soldier will in some way become a metaphor for hca's sexual repression well you know what There's no real way to prove that, but you're probably right. And plus, you already made your prediction, so. I already made a prediction, so I'm not going to lie to that. But I would not be surprised if there was just like some element of sexual frustration gets weaved into the story somehow.

That's your bonus prediction? That's my bonus prediction. That's a very good prediction. Although I will say there's probably no way to actually prove that. Yeah. I just, he, he was just as very sexually frustrated man.

So that's just. He definitely was. Oh, I love this story so much. I'm so excited to tell you. Tell me the story. There were once five and 20 tin soldiers. They were all brothers born at the same old tin spoon,

which like that would have to be a gigantic spoon to get 25 tin soldiers. They were all brothers born at the same old tin spoon, which, like, that would have to be a gigantic spoon to get 25 tin soldiers out of. Yeah. So I'm imagining

them being very tiny. They shouldered their muskets and looked straight ahead of them, splendid in their uniforms, all red and blue. The very first thing

in the world that they heard was, tin soldiers! A small boy shouted it and clapped his hand as the lid was lifted off their box on his birthday. Yes. Or I could say like Christmas and then that would be a Christmas story.

It would be a Christmas story now. He immediately set them up on the table. All of the soldiers looked exactly alike except for one. He looked a little different as he had been cast last of all. The tin was short, so he only had one leg. But there he stood as steady on one leg as any of the other soldiers on there too. But just you see, he'll be the remarkable one. It's so HCA already.

I just love it. I love it so much. Okay, keep going. Tell me more. On the table with the soldiers were many other playthings and one that no eye could miss was a marvelous castle of cardboard. It had little windows through which you could look right inside it. And in front of the castle were miniature trees around a little mirror supposed to represent a lake. The wax swans that swam on its surface were reflected in the mirror. All of this was very

pretty, but prettiest of all was the little lady who stood in the open doorway of the castle. Though she was a paper doll, she wore a dress of the fluffiest gauze. A tiny blue ribbon went over her shoulder for a scarf, and in the middle of it shone a spangle that was as big as her face.

The little lady held up both of her arms as a ballet dancer does and one leg was lifted so high behind her that the tin soldier couldn't see it at all and he supposed she must have only one leg as he did oh it's a love story oh no this isn't going the way I thought it would at all. It's most certainly going to end in tragedy. It's not going to end well. That would be a wife for me, he thought. But maybe she's too grand. She lives in a castle. I only have a box with 24 roommates to share it. That's a lot of roommates. See, I think I should have kept my sexual repression.

Well, guess it was a little late. I had already written out your prediction. That's fair. It's fine. It's fine. I just should have. I should have been your first prediction. It should have. All have it should have been your first prediction it should have all right keep going so he wanted to try to make her acquaintance still as stiff as when he stood at attention he laid down on the table behind a snuff box where he could admire the dainty little dancer who kept standing on one leg without ever losing her balance when the evening came the other tin soldiers were put away in their box,

and the people of the house went to bed. Now the toys began to play among themselves at visits and battles and at giving balls. The tin soldiers rattled about in their box, for they wanted to play too, but they could not get the lid open. The nutcracker turned somersaults, and the slate pencil squeaked out jokes on the slate the toys made such a noise that they woke up the canary bird who made them a speech all in verse the only one i know and it doesn't give the speech which makes me really sad it's too bad i would like to hear that speech no one's gonna let the tin soldiers out of their box no not yet anyway the only two who stayed still were the tin soldiers out of their box? No. Not yet, anyway.

The only two who stayed still were the tin soldier and the little dancer. Without ever swerving from the tip of one toe, she held out her arms to him, and the tin soldier was just as steadfast on his one leg. Not once did he take his eyes off of her. Already in love. It's so cute. But not going for it. Like, not moving towards each other at all they're both they're nervous yeah i guess they're just entranced i don't know

then the clock struck 12 and a clack up popped the lid of the snuff box but there was no stuff in it no out bounced a little black bogey a a jack-in-the-box. Oh. Okay. I hate that. I don't like jack-in-the-boxes. Yeah, they're super creepy. They're super creepy. That is the voice of Tim Curry in the cartoon version.

Oh, of course it is. Yes. How could it be otherwise? That's the only possible character. Uh-huh. And he even has like an evil song. It pretty great yes tin soldier he said will you please keep your eyes to yourself the tin soldier pretended not to hear the jack-in-the-box said just you wait till tomorrow oh see jack-in-the-boxes are bad.

They're bad. They're never good. They're always creepy and intimidating. But when morning came and the children got up, the soldier was set on the window ledge. And whether the jack-in-the-box did it or there was a gust of wind, all of a sudden the window flew open and the soldier pitched out headlong from the third floor.

He fell at breathtaking speed and landed cap first with his bayonet buried between the paving stones and his one leg stuck straight in the air. The housemaid and little boy ran down to look for them and they nearly stepped

on the tin soldier. They walked right past him without seeing him. If the soldier had only cried out, here I am, they would surely have found him.

But he thought it contemptible to raise an uproar while he was wearing his uniform. No. Oh, no. Yeah. He takes his he takes him being a soldier very, very seriously. He is representing no one, no one with that uniform.

But he takes it very, very seriously. He's an upright sort of fellow. All right. Yep. Okay. He's an upright sort of fellow. All right. Yep. Okay. He's an upright sort of fellow. I like that. Soon it began to rain.

The drops fell faster and faster until they came down by the bucket full. As soon as the rain let up, along came two young rapscallions. Yes. I like it. The best kind. I love rapscallions. Hi, look, one of them said. There's a tin soldier.

Let's send him sailing. They made a boat out of newspaper and put the tin soldier in the middle of it. And away he went down the gutter with the two young rapscallions running beside him and clapping their hands. Hi, heavens, how the waves splashed and how fast the water ran down the gutter. Don't forget that it had just been raining by the bucket full. Thanks, HVA. Thank you. I had not forgotten, but the reminder is still good.

It's them some choppy seas. I get it. The paper boat pitched and tossed and sometimes whirled about so rapidly that it made the soldier's head spin. But he stood as steady as ever. Never once flinching, he kept his eyes front and carried his gun shoulder high. Suddenly, the boat rushed under a

long plank where the gutter was boarded over. It was as dark as the soldier's own box. Where can I be going? The soldier wondered. Nowhere good, man. This must be that jack-in-the-box revenge. Ah, if only I had the little lady with me. It could be twice as dark here for all that I would care.

I mean, don't wish that on her, though. I know. Also, was it really the jack-in-the-box? I don't think so. Was it? Or was it just bad luck? How would the jack-in-the-box have orchestrated this is my question. Like, how?

How would this have been him? With pure evil. Evil force. Evil telekinetic force. Out popped a great water rat who lived under the gutter plank. So actually, as I was reading this, this made me think of the Nutcracker quite a bit. Weren't there evil rats in that? I think I got those confused.

I have never actually seen the Nutcracker. Oh, okay. I don't know. Well, next year we'll have to do the Nutcracker. Yes, let's do that. Because it is really great. Like, it's awesome. I know that there is like a ballet and some sugarplum fairies and like a girl receives

a nutcracker as a toy. But I think those are the only things that I know about it. Yeah, it reminds me of this story a lot. But, you know, I haven't actually seen like the ballet. I think I'm remembering like the cartoon I watched as a kid. Probably. But it has like a king rat or something. Anyway, I digress.

Anyway. Okay. Have you a passport, said the rat. Hand it over. The soldier kept quiet and held his musket tighter. Ahn rushed the boat and the rat came right after it, gnashing his teeth and called to the sticks and straws. Halt him. Stop him!

He didn't pay his toll! He hasn't shown his passport! But the current ran stronger and stronger and the tin soldier could only see daylight ahead where the board ended. But he also heard a roar that would frighten the bravest of us. Hold on.

Right at the end of the gutter plank, the water poured into the great canal. It was as dangerous to him as a waterfall would be to us. Oh, dear. This is some adventuring for this poor tin soldier. Absolutely. Poor tin soldier. He was so near it, he could not possibly stop.

The boat plunged into the whirlpool. The poor tin soldier stood as staunch as he could, but no one can say that he so much blinked an eye thrice and again the boat spun around and it filled up to the top and was bound to sink the water was up to his neck and still the boat went down deeper deeper deeper and the paper got soft and limp and the water rushed over his head and he thought of the pretty little dancer whom he'd never see again. And in his ears rang an old, old song. Farewell, farewell, oh warrior brave. Nobody can from death be saved.

Oh my God. This took a turn. Oh, just wait. It gets worse. Just misfortune after misfortune. Of course it does. Of course it gets worse. Oh yeah.

Classic Hans Christian Andersen. And now the paper boat broke beneath him and the soldier sank right through. And just at that moment, he was swallowed by an enormous fish. Yay. Okay. That's exciting. My, how dark it was inside that fish. It was darker than under the gutter plank and it was so cramped, but the tin soldier was still staunch. He lay there full length, soldier fashion with musket to shoulder. Then the fish flopped and floundered in a most unaccountable way.

Finally, it was perfectly still. And after a while, something struck through him like a flash of lightning. The tin soldier saw daylight again and he heard his voice say, The tin soldier. The fish had been caught, carried to market, bought, and brought to a kitchen where the cook cut him open with her big knife. Amazing.

Amazing. Such an adventure. What a crazy journey this is. Ain't that just the way sometimes? Mm-hmm. She picked the soldier up bodily between her two fingers and carried him off upstairs. Everyone wanted to see this remarkable traveler who had traveled about in a fish's stomach. I mean, fish swallow garbage all the time.

Like, why is this news? Fish don't need more plastic in there throw it away or i guess 10 in their stomach you know maybe it wasn't as common so everyone wanted to see him they were super excited to see this tin soldier that had traveled through the fish's body but the tin soldier took no pride in it they put him on the table and lo and behold what curious things that happened in this world. There he was, back in the same room as before. Oh, that's crazy.

He saw the same children, the same toys were on the table, and they were the same fine castle with the pretty little dancer. Oh, okay. Now it makes more sense why she was like, oh, my God. Tin soldier. Oh, hey, this thing. So impressive. i noticed she didn't rinse him off first i mean yeah that's true gross gross but yay okay so he's back in the room with kids and the pretty little dancer yep she's still balanced on one leg with the other raised high. She too was steadfast. That touched the soldiers so deeply that he would have cried ten tears. Only soldiers never cry. Oh my God. He looked at her and she looked at him and never a word was said. Just as things were going so nicely for him, one of the little boys snatched up the tin soldier and threw him into the stove

for no reason at all. I love this. It says, that jack-in-the-box in the snuff box must have put him up to it. How? I think this guy

is just blaming the jack-in-the-box on all of his bad luck but literally all he did was like not shake a fist at him and be like you'll be sorry oh my god oh god kids are so mean and like destructive don. It gets, it gets better or worse. Oh, okay. That's the most Hans Christian Anderson ending of all time. I'm so excited.

Okay. Please keep going. The 10 soldiers stood there dressed in flames. He felt a terrible heat, but whether it was from the flames or from his love, he didn't know. He lost all of his splendid colors, maybe from his hard journey, maybe from grief.

Nobody can say. He looked at that little lady and she looked at him and he felt himself melting. But still he stood steadfast with his musket held trim on his shoulder. Then the door blew open. A puff of wind struck the dancer she flew like a sylph straight into the fire with the soldier blazed up in a flash and was gone oh my god the tin soldier melted all in a lump the next day when a servant took up the ashes she found him in the shape of a little tin heart. But of the pretty dancer, nothing was left except her spangle, and it was burned

as black as coal. The end. Oh my God! Why? Why does he do this? Classic Hans Christian Andersen. Oh, my gosh. Every time.

Merry Christmas, Abby. My gift to you. Every single story is about how you can't have what you want. And then you die. And then you die. And then you die. Or somebody dies. Yeah. That's every single HCA story.

Oh, my God. I'm dying. That was so, like... You know, he had a really hard time around the holidays, I think. He did. Well, okay, that wasn't really a Christmas story, but, you know. No. No, but it was a toy, which...

So it could have been a Christmas story if the child had received it for its birthday. Yeah, see, I don't know. I'm going to count it. I'm going to count it. It was about a toy. I counted it as a Christmas story. It gave me some really cheery holiday feels. Oh, my God.

I never – I did not think that the dancer was just going to get blown into the fire. It just happens in like one sentence too, which is great. And then she died too. Because life is pain and death comes for us all and you can't have anything you want. So suck it up. Now you have to watch the cartoon and see if it ends the same. I hope not someone really needs to i mean it's it's one of the things that i don't mind about the little

mermaid the movie because the little mermaid the story also ends with you can't have what everything you want and death comes for us all. Mm-hmm. Yeah, man. Oscar Shanderson was just like in a place. He was in a place perpetually, permanently. The Six Swans might actually be his happiest story somehow. Yeah. The Wild Swans.

Yeah, because he- The Wild Swans. Sorry, yeah. I don't think anyone dies in that. No. I don't think anyone dies in that no i don't think so several people are almost killed but then they do end up living happily ever after in that one so i think it was the only one where he allowed all the protagonists to live and have what they want even even if it is in a somewhat bittersweet manner for her last brother. Which I don't know. Having a swan wing, that might be pretty cool to like.

You need two hands for too many things. One wing is not useful. There are lots of people with only one hand out there. Yeah, that's fair. You know, if you are a listener and you only have one hand would you also like a wing would you prefer a wing or would you prefer like a prosthetic hand oh yeah that's yeah yeah they make those but that would be so cool to have the wing you know it's one big conversation and only one arm like you can't fly with just one wing.

I'm just saying, if you only have one arm anyway, maybe a wing would be a real conversation starter. I'd rather have a hook. That's at least something I can do something with a hook. You can fan your friends.

Keep them cool. That's true. I just love the imagery imagery i just think the artwork is really cool do you have any fixes oh gosh no i really don't i thought that was amazing like it's it's so perfectly hca that i love it in every way it's it's one of those things where i don't even really mind that the dancer is just sort of this far-off creature that never gets spoken to because that's almost kind of the point is to have that sort of longing there.

And that's also how Hans Christian Andersen felt about most women. Oh, yeah. So do you think it was a sexually repressed kind of metaphor? No, I don't think so because because the the snow but the one that i'm thinking of the most the snowman was explicit and how much the snowman wanted to be very intimate with the stove yes but could not i was very sexually charged i love every second of the story. This one,

this one, not so much. This one was more about, I think longing in a different, in a different way. Oh, I thought it was cute. He like was melting,

but he was like, I don't know if it's heat from the flames or heat from my love. A lot of yearning. I guess that. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. It was, it was wonderful. I guess that, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. It was wonderful. I really very much enjoyed it.

Me too. As usual, just a really like charming, whimsical, very sad story from our favorite depressed Victorian boy. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas Merry Christmas everyone I am also going to be reading you a story by a Victorian bisexual yay I'm so excited I I recently picked up a you know a book called the Happy Prince and Other Stories by Oscar Wilde. He wrote these for his children for the most part, but also they were also published for other people to read to theirs. And Oscar Wilde was an extremely, extremely interesting man, also a known bisexual. interesting man, also a, you know, a known bisexual. He had a wife, Constance Lloyd,

and several male lovers, I believe, over the course of his life before he was actually eventually imprisoned for committing homosexual acts, quote unquote. His life was fairly hard, especially toward the end. But instead of reacting to it the way Hans Christian Andersen did with existential sadness, Oscar Wilde was more of a biting wit sort of guy. He is probably best known. I think most people would recognize him as being the author of the play, The Importance of Being Earnest. And then he also wrote a pretty famous novel, The Picture of Dorian Gray. and then he also wrote a pretty famous novel the picture of dorian gray and then also just has so many excellent quotes that i come back to again and again as as actual uh inspiration for myself including sort of one of the more of the more popular ones but that's but one that i've always loved is be yourself everyone else has already taken and i think those are great watch words to live by thank you oscar

wilde you were a genius and kind of mean and uh also incredible just an incredible person so um i'm going to be reading you the happy prince today and it's kind of a, it's a bit of a departure from what we usually read, especially considering Hans Christian Andersen style stuff in the sense that this is, this is actually kind of a pretty heartfelt story with a message that he actually was trying to impart to children. I'm actually kind of excited to read it and see, see what you think. The Happy Prince. The Happy Prince. Okay. Give me three predictions for the happy prince. I'm going to predict that the prince isn't happy at all, at least at first. Okay. I like it. Excellent. I am going to predict that in order to become happy, the prince has to be himself, which is difficult.

Because he's odd somehow, I guess. Sure. Does that make sense? Yes. He's an odd prince. He's an odd prince. I'm just basically going off with what you were just talking about. Uh-huh.

And I also want to predict that somebody dies. Okay. In the story. The happy prince is not happy. The happy prince is an odd prince. And someone dies. Yeah. And I mean, that's what I want for my Christmas story. Excellent. This one's also

not strictly a Christmas story, but, but a good chunk of it does take place in winter, which is why, which is why I chose it. And I think it has a nice, um, it has a nice holiday message. Yay. I love it. Whatever, whatever winter, uh uh festival tradition you practice it's a nice it's a nice wintertime message i can't wait i'm here for it okay here we go high above the city on a tall column stood the statue of the happy prince he was gilded all over with thin leaves of fine gold for eyes he had two bright sapphires and a large red ruby glowed on his sword hilt he was very much admired indeed he's as beautiful as a weather vane remarked one of the town counselors who wished to gain a reputation for having artistic tastes i love that even here oscar wilde is still he can't he can't resist just introducing a little

bit of social commentary oh of course we're making fun of everyone else that was his style only not quite so useful he added fearing lest people should think him unpractical i mean it was not. Why can't you be like the happy Prince asked a sensible mother of her little boy who was crying for the moon. The happy Prince never dreams of crying for anything. I'm glad there is someone in the world who was quite happy and muttered a disappointed man. As he gazed at the wonderful statue,

he looks just like an angel said the charity charity children as they came out of the cathedral in their bright scarlet cloaks and their clean white pinafores. So this is like a brand new statue. Yes, it's a beautiful, like gleaming brand new statue that's hovering over the city. So everyone just admires the statue, thinks he looks super happy and just projects whatever they feel about art and or happiness onto this statue. One night there flew over the city a little swallow. His friends had gone away to Egypt six weeks before, but he had stayed behind for he was in love with the most beautiful reed. with the most beautiful reed.

Aww! He had met her early in the spring as he was flying down the river after a big yellow moth and had been so attracted by her slender waist that he had stopped to talk to her. Okay. Shall I love you?

said the swallow who liked to come to the point at once and the reed made him a low bow. So he flew round and round her touching the water with his wings and making silver ripples. This was his courtship and it lasted all through the summer.

Also imagining like a bird with a slender waist. It's really odd. I think there's a little illustration here. It's a reed as in like a river reed, like an actual plant next to the water. Oh, I was imagining that was a different type of bird. No, he's very attracted to a reed, like a singular stalk of river reed. I was imagining it was a bird. Down by the water.

Thank you. Your way makes more sense. Well, I was like, just a bird with a slender waist sounds really odd looking. Okay, the reed makes much more sense. It is a ridiculous attachment, Twitter the other swallows. She has no money and far too many relations. She has no money. and far too many relations. She has no money. And far too many relatives.

Oh my gosh, that's hilarious. And indeed, the river was quite full of reeds. And then when the autumn came, they all flew away. The swallows, not the reeds. Yeah. Thanks. You're welcome. That would have been really impressive.

I mean, syntactically, it did kind of sound like the reeds were the ones that flew away. So after they had gone, he felt lonely and began to tire of his lady love. She has no conversation, he said. And I am afraid that she is a coquette for she is always flirting with the wind. And certainly whenever the wind blew blew the reed made the most graceful curtsies i admit that she is domestic he continued but i love traveling and my wife consequently should love traveling also will you come away with me he said finally to her but the reed shook her head she was so attached to her home physically because she is rooted to the ground.

It's definitely some star-crossed lovers. It definitely is. You have been trifling with me, he cried. I am off to the pyramids. Goodbye. And he flew away. Aw. I know.

All day long he flew and at nighttime he arrived arrived at the city where shall i put up he said i hope this town has made preparations then he saw the statue on the tall column i'll sit there he cried it is a fine position with plenty of fresh air so he alighted just between the feet of the happy prince and he is very pleased with his golden bedroom and he is just uh preparing to go to sleep and putting his head under his wing and right then a large drop of water falls on him what a curious thing he cried there is not a single cloud in the sky the stars are quite clear and bright and yet it is raining the climate in the north of europe is dreadful and then he waxes on about his ex-girlfriend for a

little while thinking about how much she used to like the rain but that was really selfish of her to like the rain so much why how is that selfish i don't know i think he sounds like a bit of a prick but yeah it sounds like all the problems like kind of within i think it's one of those like i think you're the common denominator here my guy moments so another drop falls on him and he gets pretty pissed he says what is the use of a statue if it cannot keep the rain off i'll look for a chimney instead and he determined to fly away but before he had opened his wings a third drop fell and he looked up and saw oh what did he see the eyes of the happy prince were filled with tears and tears were running down his golden cheeks his face was so beautiful in the moonlight that the little swallow was filled with pity. Who were you?

He said. I am the happy prince. Why are you weeping then? Asked the swallow. You have quite drenched me. Why indeed? When I was alive and had a human heart, I did not know what tears were, for I lived in the palace of sans Susi where sorrow is not allowed to enter in the daytime. I played with my companions in the garden and in the evening.

I led the dance in the great hall round the garden around a very lofty wall, but I never cared to ask what lay beyond it. Everything about me was so beautiful and my courtiers called me the happy prince and happy. Indeed, I was if pleasure be happiness so i lived and so i died and now that i am dead they have set me here up high so i can see all the ugliness and all the misery of my city and though my heart is made of lead i cannot choose but weep it sounds it also sounds a lot like social commentary. It's very like it's yes. Everything Oscar Wilde did ever was social commentary. Well, I love it, though.

Yeah. The man was very full of social commentary. It was irrepressible. The swallow was really surprised because he thought the statue was made of solid gold, but he was too polite to make any personal remarks out loud. The statue continues its story. Far away in a little street, there is a poor house. One of the windows is open and through it I can see a woman seated at a table. Her face is thin and worn and she has coarse red hands all pricked by needles, for she

is a seamstress. She's embroidering passion flowers on a satin gown for the loveliest of the queen's maids of honor to wear at the next court ball in a bed in the corner of the room her little boy is lying ill he has a fever and is asking for oranges his mother has nothing to get him but river water so he is crying swallow swallow little swallow will you not bring her the ruby out of my sword hilt my feet are fastened to this pedestal and i cannot move oh that's so sweet it's really sweet and that's actually this book is beautifully illustrated um there's a picture of the woman with her ill child i'm waited for in egypt said the swallow my friends are flying up and down the nile and talking to

the large lotus flowers soon they will go to sleep in the tomb of the great king the king is there himself in his painted coffin wrapped in yellow linen and embalmed with spices. Round his neck is a chain of pale green jade and his hands are like withered leaves. Swallow, swallow, little swallow, said the prince. Will you not stay with me for one night and be my messenger? The boy is so thirsty and the mother so sad. I don't think I like boys, answered the swallow. Last summer when I was staying on the river, there were two rude boys, the Miller's sons, who were always throwing stones at me. They never hit me, of course.

We swallows fly far too well for that. And besides, I come of a family famous for its agility. But still, it was a mark of disrespect. A mark of disrespect. That's so good. And true. I like the swallows. And true. Absolutely.

The swallows are like, I don't know. What's in it for me? I don't know. What's in it for me? I don't know. I think I think kids suck. I'm not. I'm not into it. But the happy prince looked so sad that the little swallow was sorry. It's very cold here, he said, but I will stay with you one night and be your messenger. Thank you, little swallow, said the prince. So the swallow picked out the great ruby from the prince's sword and flew away with it in its beak over the roofs of the town he passed by the cathedral tower where the white marble angels were sculptured he passed by the palace and heard the sound of

dancing a beautiful girl came out on the balcony with her lover how wonderful the stars are he said to her and how wonderful is the power of love nice i love this story everybody seems i don't know just very poetic it's it's a very poetic story yeah yeah everyone everyone is full of poetry in this story i hope my dress will be ready in time for the state ball she answered i have ordered passion flowers to be embroidered on it but the seamstresses are so lazy oh no bitch bitch if only she knew classist bitch at last he came to the poor house and looked in the boy was tossing feverishly on his bed and his mother had fallen asleep she was so tired in he hopped and laid the great ruby on the table beside the woman's thimble. Then he flew gently round the bed,

fanning the boy's forehead with his wings. How cool I feel, said the boy. I must be getting better. And he sank into a delicious slumber. Then the swallow flew back to the happy prince and told what he had done. It's curious, he remarked, but I feel quite warm now, although it is so cold. That's because you have done a good action, said the prince, and the little swallow began to think, and then he fell asleep.

Thinking always made him sleepy. Yeah, same, actually. Very relatable. It's very exhausting doing thinking. And being nice to people. Oh, so tiring. That's extra exhausting. Especially when they're, you know, not always kind to you.

Throwing rocks at you and whatnot. Exactly. You know, it's having to learn compassion for people that don't necessarily like really think too much about you. Tiring stuff. When day broke, he flew down to the river and had a bath. What a remarkable phenomenon, said the professor of ornithology as he was passing over the bridge, a swallow in winter.

And he wrote a long letter about it to the local newspaper. Oh my gosh. I love that that's the like hot goss in the town. That's the hot goss. Well, I mean, it is like it's a bird professor. Yeah. You know, bird people, bird experts, they love birds. I know because I'm sort of a little bit of a bird person.

Are you a bird person? Are you a secret bird person? And I didn't know that. You know, it's one of those things where I do love to go bird watching and I like joining the like nature groups around town that go bird watching. And I feel like I'm definitely going to get hardcore into it someday. I just don't have the energy for it now. Right now. That makes sense though. I've got too many hobbies.

Yeah. But yeah, I love birds. You just like nature in general. Like you're an animals person. I think if especially wildlife, you just go bananas about it. Yeah. I could see that being a big deal in the bird watching community. In the bird watching community. Oh, I love it.

Okay. So he wrote a long letter about it to the local newspaper and everyone quoted it. It was so full of many words that they could not understand. But they all quoted it to sound smart. It says that in the book? No, that's just my interpretation. Tonight I go to Egypt, said the swallow, and he was in high spirits of the prospect he visited all the public monuments and sat a long time on top of the church steeple wherever he went the

sparrows chirruped and said to each other what a distinguished stranger so he enjoyed himself very much when the moon rose he flew back to the happy prince have you any commissions for egypt he cried i am just starting swallow swallow little swallow said the prince will you not stay with me one night longer i am waited for in egypt answered the swallow tomorrow my friends will fly up to the second cataract the river house crouches there among the bulrushes and on the great granite house sits the god memnon all night long he watches the stars and when the morning star shines he utters one cry of joy and then he is silent at noon the yellow lions come down to the water's edge to drink they have eyes like green barrels and their roar is

louder than the roar of the cataract now it just sounds like oscar wilde is trying to boast about are you trying to brag about how much are you trying to brag about how you went to egypt one time and it was a real transformative experience for you that's what it sounds like well the entire time he's describing that mummy i just couldn't this is kind of a sidebar but i just couldn't help but just be reminded of the reason that oscar wilde probably had seen a mummy was because England went to Egypt, raided all the tombs and stole all the mummies and carted them back to the British Museum and still have not given a good chunk of the stuff that they stole back.

Oof. The British Museum is a big house filled with a bunch of stolen treasure from everyone else's country. And that's probably why Oscar Wilde had even seen a mummy in the first place or even knew what they were. But that's a conversation for another time. In the meantime, he asks the swallow once again to stay because far across the city, I see a young man in a Garrett. He's leaning over a desk covered with papers and in a Tumblr by his side, there is a bunch of withered violence. His hair is Brown and crisp and his lips are red as a pomegranate. And he has large and dreamy eyes.

He's trying to finish a play for the director of theater, but he is too cold to write anymore. There's no fire in the great and the hunger has made him faint. I will wait with you one night longer said swallow who really had a good heart shall i take one other ruby alas i have no ruby now said the prince my eyes are all i have left they're made of rare sapphires which were brought out of india a thousand years ago well more speaking of was it a thousand years ago oscar or was it like you know last week considering during this time period they were actively occupying india

speaking of stolen treasures speaking of stolen treasures um the sapphires are from india very troublesome and problematic but he wants to do something nice with them now. I guess pluck out one of them and take it to him. He will sell it to the jeweler and buy firewood and finish his play. Dear Prince said the swallow. I cannot do that. And he began to weep. Swallow,

swallow, little swallow said the Prince do as I command you. So the swallow plucked out the prince's eye and flew away to the student's garret it was easy enough to get in as there was a hole in the roof and through this he darted and came into the room the young man had his head buried in his hands so he did not hear the flutter of the bird's wings and when he looked up he found the beautiful sapphire lying on the withered violets i am am beginning to be appreciated, he cried. This is from some great admirer.

Now I can finish my play. And he looked quite happy. Aw. Hooray. Good for him. And he can finish his play. It definitely seems like a de-escalation from the situation with the seamstress with the sick son.

Yeah. I mean, they're both important they are both important so the next day the swallow flew down to the harbor and he sat on the mast of a large vessel and watched the sailors hauling big chests out of the hold with ropes uh heave ahoy they shouted as the chest came up i'm going to egypt cried the swallow but nobody minded and when the moon rose you flew back to the happy prince i am come to put you goodbye he cried swallow swallow little swallow said the prince will you not stay with me one night longer it's winter answered the swallow and the chill snow will soon be here in egypt the sun is warm on the green palm trees and the crocodiles lie in the mud

and look lazily at them my companions are building a nest in the temple of balbek whoever that is i don't think i don't know if that's an actual place and the pink and white doves are watching them and cooing to each other dear prince i must leave you but i will never forget you and next spring i will bring you back to beautiful jewels in the place of those you have given away. The ruby shall be redder than a red rose and the sapphire should be blue as the great sea. Aw, he's making friends with the happy prince and it's just very touching. It's very sweet. He loves it.

I like that, you know, he wants to help other people, but also wants to bring stuff back for the happy prince yeah you know but also wants to wants to do what swallows do which is my great which is my great south for the winter yep in the square below said the happy prince there stands a little match girl she has let her matches fall in the gutter and they are all spoiled her father will beat her if she does not bring home some money and she is crying she has no shoes or stockings and her little head is bare pluck out my other eye and give it to her and her father will not beat her jeez jeez is that the little match girl from hans christian anderson i do wonder if it's a reference um since hans christian anderson like predated oscar wilde by quite a bit um i'm yeah i wonder if that's a reference i will stay with you one night longer said the swallow

but i cannot pluck out your eye you would be quite blind then swallow swallow little swallow said the prince do as i command you so he plucked out the prince's other eye and darted down with it he swooped past the match girl and slipped the jewel into the palm of her hand what a lovely bit of glass cried the little girl and she ran home laughing and the swallow goes back to the prince and says you are blind now he said so I will stay with you always. Oh, no little swallow said the poor Prince. You must go away to Egypt. I will stay with you always said the swallow. And he slept at the Prince's feet. It's very,

it's very sweet. Super touching. All the next day, he sat on the Prince's shoulder and told him stories of what he had seen in strange lands. He told them of the red ibises who stand in long rows on the banks of the Nile and catch goldfish in their beaks, of the sphinx who is as old as the world itself

and lives in the desert and knows everything, of the merchants who walk slowly by the side of their camels and carry amber beads in their hands, of the king of the mountains of the moon who is black as ebony and worships a large crystal, of the great green snake that sleeps in a palm tree and has 20 priests to feed it with honey cakes. And of the pygmies who sail over a big lake on large flat leaves and are always at war with the butterflies.

So for our listeners, pygmies is basically like a type of super cute tiny monkey. Yeah, they're really adorable. Definitely look them up right now. And they're obviously constantly at war with the butterflies, apparently. That makes sense. Yeah, they're about the same size. So dear little swallow said the prince, you tell me of marvelous things, but more marvelous than anything is the suffering of men and women.

There is no mystery so great as misery. Fly over my city, little swallow, and tell me what you see there. So the swallow flew over the great city and saw the rich making merry in their beautiful houses while the beggars were sitting at the gates. He flew into dark lanes and saw the white faces of starving children looking out listlessly at the black streets. And under the archway of a a bridge two little boys were lying in one another's arms to try and keep themselves warm how hungry we are they said you must not lie here shouted the watchman and they wandered out into the rain then he flew back and told the prince what he had seen i am covered with fine gold said the prince you must take it off leaf by leaf and give it to my poor the living always thinking that gold can make them happy this is like the cutest little like superhero team up ever

i know it's super adorable but also like i i actually i don't know i do think that it is uh i'm still very relevant as social commentary like i'm i'm thinking in particular of like um you know people who are unhoused still not being allowed to lie down or really rest anywhere or try to seek shelter. They're told to move it along. The lack of distribution of wealth. Yeah. Absolutely. It's still relevant.

You know, there's princesses complaining about, you know, people not making their clothes fast enough. You know, while the rest of this is happening out here. It's great. It's totally not still happening. This isn't relevant. Anyway, okay. So, leaf after leaf of the fine gold the swallow picked off till the happy prince looked quite dull and gray. Leaf after leaf of the fine gold

he brought to the poor and the children's faces grew rosier and they laughed and played games in the street. We have bread now, they cried. Woohoo. Good for them. Yeah. Then the snow came and after the snow came the frost. The streets looked as if they were made of silver.

They were so bright and glistening. Long icicles like crystal daggers hung down from the eaves of the houses everybody went about in furs and the little boys wore scarlet caps and skated on the ice the poor little swallow grew colder and colder but he would not leave the prince he loved him too well he picked up crumbs outside the baker's door when the baker was not looking and tried to keep himself warm by flapping his wings but at last he knew that he was going to die. He had just enough strength to fly up to the prince's shoulder once more. Goodbye, dear prince, he murmured. Will you let me kiss your hand?

I am glad that you are going to Egypt at last, little swallow, said the prince. You must have stayed too long here, but you must kiss me on the lips, for I love you. I know. It is not to Egypt that I'm going, said the swallow. stayed too long here, but you must kiss me on the lips for I love you. Oh, I know. It is not to Egypt that I'm going, said the swallow. I am going to the house of death. Death is the brother of sleep.

Is he not? And he kissed the happy prince on the lips and fell down dead at his feet. At that moment, a curious crack sounded inside the statue as if something had broken. The fact is that the leaden heart had snapped right in two. It certainly was a dreadfully hard frost. Early the next morning, the mayor was walking in the square below in company with the town councillors, and as they passed the column, he looked up at the statue. Dear me, how shabby the happy prince looks, he said.

How shabby indeed, cried the town councill shabby indeed cried the town counselors who always agreed with the mayor and they went up to look at it the ruby has fallen out of his sword his eyes are gone and he is golden no longer said the mayor in fact he is little better than a beggar little better than a beggar said the town counselors and here is actually a dead bird at his feet continued the mayor we really must issue a proclamation that birds are not to be allowed to die here and the town clerk made a note of the suggestion okay like i don't know how you're gonna enforce that one but it seems like a but you know the point is is that he's making an awful lot of fuss about

things he has no control over. Uh-huh. Instead of attending to the things that he might actually be able to help with. Oh, yeah. So they pulled down the statue of the happy prince as he is no longer beautiful. He is no longer useful, said the art professor at the university. Wow. Yeah.

Then they melted the statue in a furnace and the mayor held a meeting of the corporation to decide what was to be done with the metal we must have another statue of course he said and it shall be a statue of myself what a brilliant idea such a genius of myself said each of the town councillors, and they quarreled. When I last heard of them, they were quarreling still. What a strange

thing, said the overseer of the workmen at the foundry. This broken lead heart will not melt in the furnace. We must throw it away. So they threw it on a dust heap where the dead swallow was also lying. Now, you know, here's where the story takes a completely different direction. Oh. Bring me the two most precious things in the city, said God to one of his angels,

and the angel brought him the leaden heart and the dead bird. You have rightly chosen, said God, for in my garden of paradise, this little bird shall sing forevermore and in my city of gold the happy prince shall praise me the end perfect ending that wasn't a like sharp turn at all no um yeah sad victorian boys sad victorian boys sad victorian boys um one kind of with a more personal uh existential ennui and fear of death um and then another with a lot of just sort of our society really blows energy yep um and he decided to write children's stories for his kids, based on the knowledge that our society really blows. And you know, still does. We inherited a lot of this. I feel like that was a perfect Christmas story. I thank you. I was actually

just about to say I think it is a perfect Christmas story because I think it, it sort of at the very least reminds, reminds me of the things that we're supposed to do and the things that we're supposed to actually embody at this time of year, which is caring about the people around us and not just being completely consumed by appearances, by shiny objects. So that's why I really wanted to read this one since this episode comes out on December 21st. We are getting closer to Christmas. We are in sort of the midst of other wintertime celebrations around this time. As they usually say, worshiping at the altar of consumerism. this time. So as they usually say, worshiping at the altar of consumerism. Yeah. And we are all like, it's a time when we all in this, in our, in our society worship at the altar of consumerism, like, as you say, like, that's a perfect way to put it. So I also just wanted,

I wanted to read the story not to get too preachy or anything, but remind people like, go do something else to donate to a homeless shelter. Maybe look up a mutual aid group in your city and see what you can do for people that are sleeping on the streets when it's so fucking cold out here. Just Google mutual aid, my city. Be patient with people. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. And then, yeah, be patient with people. Try to be a little kind. And it spreads. It does. It does. a little kind and it spreads it does it does yep be nice to like the uh service workers who are working extra hard this season because everywhere is short-staffed and there's all these like

shipping issues uh just just try to just be nice out there. Okay. Yep. That's a great story. That was really beautiful. Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's kind of sad and it's a little heavy handed with the point, but I do like it. My only fix for it is I would like to get rid of the 18th century Victorian racism. Yeah, there's a little anti-Semitism. There was some anti-Semitism in here.

Also, just kind of some weird, I think, exotification of Egypt from the perspective of an 18th century Victorian bisexual boy. I would change that. If one could go back in time and tell Oscar Wilde to do better, he is long dead though, so that's not likely. I mean, you know, with all things considered,

I do think Oscar Wilde did pretty great. That was a pretty great story. It had a good message. Yeah, absolutely. Minus some stereotyping in there. Well, I don't think I had a good message yeah absolutely minus some stereotyping in there well i don't think i had a fix i thought i really liked it i thought it was good maybe i would change the ending was a little abrupt for me personally but that's a whole different thing i do think it was a wonderful story and i liked it the way it was i I really liked the change in heart with the swallow.

Oh my god. Stories about devotion get me every time. Like, oh, so good. Genuinely made me sad. I choked up a little bit when I was describing how the swallow dies. I know. I was worried about that when as you were like telling

the story, I was like, oh, the bird's gonna die. Yeah. And that was sad, even though I did get that point. You did get the point. I think I got two points because he was a sad prince. It was a very sad prince. He was not happy. And somebody died. In fact, the prince died and the bird died. Two people died.

The bird was very sad. died and the bird died. Two people died. The bird was very sad. Yeah, I know. But they went on to their eternal reward, which isn't the only reason you should do nice things for other people. But if that is a reason that you do things for other people, do

keep that in mind. By the way, I can't believe I forgot to talk about this. Dustin and I got Abby a really fun Christmas holiday present. The best Christmas present I've ever gotten. And it was really fun. How'd you like it? I don't have it with me at the moment, but it is the best thing I've ever gotten. So like,

for those of you who listen to our podcast fairly religiously, you know that Ruth Manning Sanders, we read her stories a lot, likes to call chickens are a frequent feature of her stories. And instead of calling them roosters like a normal person, she always calls them cocks. And I cannot. I cannot. Like because it's always someone's eating the cock or some or the cock is coming out of the ground which is just fucking hilarious or the cock is sprouting wings yeah flapping its big wings so funny um and kelsey and dustin got me and this was definitely dustin's idea dustin is brilliant dustin is fucking hilarious sent a picture of

this calendar to me and was like i need to get this for abby yeah um and it's a calendar called big cocks and it's it's it's it's all roosters it's a calendar of roosters in a variety of poses and places but the calendar is called big cocks amazing i'm so happy it's the best present i've ever gotten i definitely took a picture of myself laughing at it um and i will religiously use it all all 2022 long thank you very much kelsey and Dustin, for the best present I have ever received. So glad you liked it. And so glad Dustin found that. Just genius. Thank you, Dustin.

You're a brilliant man. Very dedicated. Yeah, Dustin has literally had to cut out like 10 minutes of Abby and I like cry laughing over. Because I cannot. Because of the word cock. It's just a good one. Just makes us giggle because we're five. Okay, that's going to do it for us today. Thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix.

If you do enjoy the show, please make sure to subscribe and leave us a review on apple or stitcher or wherever you can leave reviews if you love the show and want to support us you can get extra episodes merch books and other cool bonus content at our patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash and you can find us on twitter and instagram at fairytalefixpod please email us your favorite fairy tales folklore nursery, nursery rhymes, and just anything you want to let us know about,

send it over to us. Favorite Christmas movies. Yeah, favorite Christmas movies. Favorite vampire movies. The favorite bad vampire movies. Yeah, specifically. And that's at info at FairytaleFixPod.com. We love to hear from you.

And happy holidays. Yes, happy holidays. What a beautiful time to be alive. We hope you enjoyed these existentially dreadful, sad, semi-holiday stories. And I do not have a fix for mine. The Happy Prince was rewritten someday to take out some of the weird Victorian racism. And they all lived happily ever after.

The end.