Fairy Tale Fix - 77: You Just Have To Be Rich

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

It’s all about who you know and how much money you have (just like real life) in today’s episode! Abbie tells the Russian folk tale of The Smith and the Demon, where you really only need $200 or so handy to become young again, and Kelsey follows up with the Icelandic Christmas monster the Yule Cat - who traditionally noms on...well you’ll see.

Oh my gosh, I can hear Obi thumping his tail outside the door. Aww, he's so cute. He is so cute, but I think it's because Steven's coming upstairs. But Obi, like, he lies down outside of the closed door to the spare bedroom and just, like, waits for me to be done. Mm-hmm, yeah. He's a good boy. And Siobhan was outside right when I started and was just, meow, meow, meow. But she's,

she's gotten bored now. She got over it. Oh, hi. This is Fairytale Fix. Hello. I'm Abby. I'm Kelsey. And this is our What the Fuck Fairytale Podcast, where we take stories that you may or may not have heard, probably haven't heard, and read them to each other, and then, you know, fix them, for lack of a better word, for a modern audience. Except I always forget about the fix part.

Yeah. Not always. Not always. Well, sometimes, like, you have to talk about it. Sometimes you have to. It's like, it's right there. Yeah. The problem.

Obviously, Red Riding Hood should have had two werewolves in it yeah or wait just one werewolf i can't remember no it was uh red riding hood and her grandmother's start a family of werewolves so you start with two and then they go and they bite they but they only bite cool people and then it's a awesome pack of really cool werewolves roaming around the black forest. And they fight crime. And they fight crime. Possibly.

Fight crime or do crime? Both. Both? A little bit of both. Little a column A, little a column B. How are you doing? I'm doing great. Good. I'm having a nice couple of weeks.

October was really hell, but I seem to be having a really nice November to make up for how upsetting October was. Good. You deserve it. I did want to tell you about – I did did, I did a blend your own whiskey. Oh, fun. A couple of weekends ago or last weekend or whenever I did that. I don't know,

but there's a, the Baltimore spirits company, you know, had like, does this thing where you can like take a little workshop or the, where they'll teach you about how they make their whiskey. And then you can sample some of their different varieties and then you can make your own blend. Ooh.

And it was really, what was your blend blended with? Mine was like 30% of like their like 30 year rye. And like, so, so it's, it's all going to be like a blended rye because they specialize in rye whiskey.

Apparently Maryland rye is a thing. Oh, it's one of the they're very proud of it. It's one of it's like one of the only two like regionally protected liquor types in the US. So like there's Maryland rye and Kentucky bourbon. They should be proud then. Yeah. So they're they're very proud of themselves anyway. So so it's like 30 percent. They sort of basic three-year rye.

And then they also had some barrel-aged or barrel-finished rye that they finished in a stout barrel. And then they had something that they finished in a maple syrup barrel. Ooh. Delicious, super sweet. That's not fun. barrel oh delicious super sweet and then the fun and then i put like a little bit at the tail end just to get some spices of like they used some sort of like italian spiced liqueur barrel to finish to finish the whiskey i forgot what the i forgot what the liqueur is called it's like it starts with an F. Fry. Fry. Did you just fry?

Sorry. Oh, stop. I'm real tired today. I love that so much. It's fry. I don't even care what the actual liquor is anymore. I was going to look it up and that's not, I don't even, it's fry now. But it's got like, it's got like some basic baking spice flavors in there so that's perfect yes that's the whiskey i made for that yeah i think fry is perfection you're you're a

beautiful genius you golden haired cinnamon brained wunderkind that's me just cinnamon it's not apple sauce anymore it's just cinnamon in my head. It's all been boiled off and you're left only with the cinnamon. Exactly. How are you? So tired. I'm good, though. I can't believe it's already the holidays.

I cannot believe how fast time is flying by. It's blowing my mind i feel like last week was halloween and here for this episode it's already christmas or yeah or you know whatever you celebrate if anything yeah but it's already like yeah no that's sort of like midwinter solstice time uh-huh whatever uh i'm very excited oh i've got like a bunch of decorations i think i'm gonna decorate this weekend um you know do simmer pot something like that simmer pot yeah it's when you put like a bunch of like good smelling things into a pot and just boil it or simmer it makes your house smell good like orange slices and you can throw like a sprig of your christmas tree or um whatever in it to make it smell like pine and cranberries and cinnamon and that's really nice yeah

it's very relaxing it's like being being – it's witchy shit. Yeah. It's a nice little like – a little spell to make your house smell good. Exactly. Good vibes all around. Yeah. I'm going to try your whiskey. Are you going to send me some?

Do you have any left? Did you make like a big bottle? It's like they gave me like a a smallish bottle i forgot how many milliliters it is um but yes but it's uh i'll take a picture of it and send it to you save a shot for me i will save a shot for you yes i promise i will not drink all of it and then you or i'll just go and do it again because apparently once you do the workshop they let you come back and you can like re-blend the whiskey for like 40 dollars nice oh actually if i come if i come visit you i'll just want to do the class with you that'd

be fun we'll just take we'll just take the workshop it was it was really fun i love learning about like food manufacturing processes and like so i just learned a lot about how i just learned a lot about how they make whiskey and that was that was cool making whiskey and then doing a simmer pot sounds like a perfect day yes absolutely I'm gonna do the simmer pot thing maybe I'll make my own whiskey and just buy a bunch of different types and I'll just experiment without anybody telling me what to do. You can. And or like insisting that you use a specific kind. That's funny. No, we'll totally do that the next time you come by.

Okay. Come out. It's a plan. We're doing it. It sounds fun. Do you have any like holiday plans? For like the winter holiday? Or Christmas or whatever.

Oh, Thanksgiving. Because that's what I'm recording this episode uh we're like right at the beginning of holiday madness um yeah i was uh steven and i are gonna drive down to virginia to see um to see some friends to see chris and elizabeth and caroline and aj and nice oh yeah i saw that they were hanging out. Are they in Sacramento or is it Carolina? They're all in Virginia right now. Virginia. Okay. Neat. Yeah. But anyway, yeah, we're going to go down there for Thanksgiving. It'll be fun.

Nice. Well, I hope you have a great time. I should. I get to do all the things. I get to say all the embarrassing adult things to Lola, like where I get to say, last time I saw you in person, you were this big. Oh my gosh, you're getting so big. She is. Kids grow fast. It's ridiculous. They sprout so quickly. They start talking and having opinions and feelings and personalities. It's crazy. Are you doing anything for the winter holiday going to my parents probably yeah same thing i do every year pinky go sit on my mom's couch and let her feed me oh my god that sounds like a dream can i come over yes can i can i can celebrate the solstice with you 100 okay anytime what are you doing um gosh i'm just in such a place i would really like to leave my life

like fake my own death and just leave start somewhere new oh geez that's the place i'm in right now um i don't know if i have anything really planned probably the same thing every year you know go see everyone all all three families my family adam's two families and then and then what i'm really excited for is the week after the holiday where i don't have to work. Ooh. And I have the house. You're getting the whole week? Yeah. I get the whole week off and I'm going to like do a puzzle and lie under my heater blanket

and lie to everybody and say I'm busy. I love that. You're not lying. You are busy. Like these are your plans. I made plans to lie under my heater blanket and watch Bob's Burgers for the billionth time. It's if that's what you need to like recover from how busy this time of year

is, then those are your plans and those are legitimate. Yep. Oh, I wanted to mention, I still haven't caught Ratican's. Yes, please. Ratican update, please.

We put a new, we put two new traps up in the attic and I'll send you a video or a photo. He won't go in them. So it looks more like a feral cat trap where it's just a cage and they're not actually set yet. We wanted him to be like, get it, like go in and be comfortable and get a false sense of security. Go get used to it. Yeah. But he still won't go in it.

Like he sticks his head right inside and then immediately backs out. He's, he's so smart. Son of a bitch. Like I'm trying to save you. Please just get in there. Too clever by half for that though you're really wrecking his base of operations to plan whatever it is i don't know i don't know what we're gonna

do i mean it's really that bad if he just lives up there no i don't know yes yeah you say chewing stuff they chew yeah they chew things and they like their poop probably isn't super great to like have around like ambiently and they're just gonna breed and make more exactly like eventually he really he really like i know you joke and you say that the mouse is his wife but eventually he really will go out and find another rat and then you've got a new problem yep i think the chewing is the most like is the scariest part though because i don't know i've definitely heard some horror stories of people who's um just like various things in their house just been absolutely destroyed by yeah rats so we'll figure it out yeah i feel like um i feel like that movie

mouse hunt where the mouse is just really fucking smart with nathan lane in it have you seen that i forgot about i yeah i mean yes once like when i was a child you should re-watch it it's hilarious i think there was a mouse hunt video game that I played a lot. It has Nathan Lane and Lee Evans and Christopher Walken. Oh my God. Oh my God. Stacked cast. It's so fucking cute. Like it's one of my favorite movies.

Why does the mouse have a little chef's hat? I don't think I actually have ever seen this. You should. I highly recommend it. Yeah? It's very cute. Like it's just about a mouse that's way smarter than they are. They're trying to recommend it. Yeah? It's very cute. It's just about a mouse that's way smarter than they are. They're trying to catch it.

And they are ridiculous. I think they're trying to flip this house or something. It's like their old dead grandfather's house or uncle's house or something, and it's worth a lot, and they're trying to sell it. Anyway, it's very cute. Amazing. Okay. Oh, no. Oh, God. a lot and they're trying to sell it anyway it's very amazing okay i oh oh no oh god i'm looking at a screenshot and they're like covered in mousetraps like it's peak comedy people it does say the funniest movie of the year on the movie poster. It was very funny.

I enjoyed it. I'm so, okay. All right. It's, it's very silly. I like goofy comedies. Maybe I'll watch that.

Oh, I just hope I can catch him, release him, leave him in. I don't know. A nice wooded area. Yeah. A nice, a nice woodland where he can meet other rats.

Yeah. And have a really nice wildlife life experience. Probably just find another building. Anyway. Whatever. Anywho. That's just what's going on with me. Just tired and trying to catch a rat.

Luckily, Adam's doing all the work for that. I'm too scared to go up that high in the attic. I can't climb that high of a ladder. So he has to do it. Fair enough. Anyway. Anyway. Would you like me to read you a story?

I would love for you to read me a story i'm sorry i feel like this is not going well i feel like my brain's just no it's going it's going fine i'm just like i'm i'm feeling like i'm i'm feeling like happy and rambly okay that works uh i don't know i feel like we're doing great. And now we just get to read each other some stories. Okay, let's do it. You know what's best for like a sleepy cinnamon brain? That's exactly what I think I need to do.

I'm so excited that you're going to read me a Russian tale. Yeah. Do you know if it's in the Russian pantheon too? Oh, you know, I didn't check. Okay. I just know that it's in just know that's in the russian tales book that you bought me and uh that i really enjoyed it and that i also really liked the accompanying picture which is why i picked the story um so often a good reason to pick a story

exactly so i don't know i think you'll love it and like i just i i think that like what we do on our show is so especially perfect for this time of year specifically, you know, when it's cold outside and you do things like making your house smell good with like stuff on the stove and it's warm inside. I don't know. And then you tell each other stories about, you know, magic and people doing things and people doing things they shouldn't do probably first though i uh you know kelsey and i just wanted to uh we wanted to give chris auto a shout out on the podcast um chris you constantly delight us and send us so many lovely things and are just such a wonderful person to know and be connected with now. One of the best reasons to do the show at all. Thank you so much for our Halloween card.

Thank you. We loved it so much. It's so great. We loved it so much. And you actually sent it to us on my birthday, which is even better. It's dated 10-16. We just appreciate you so much. The card itself is also very creepy.

We'll post a photo of it. I mean, it's perfect yeah perfect halloween card it is um and it's like says like peter peter quint at the window i don't know who that is i'm assuming i'm assuming it is a ghost story of some kind uh because you mentioned them in your card which i'm also gonna have to look like i i've looked i've looked up the two authors that you mentioned and i haven't read any of their stories either so maybe we'll do one maybe we'll do one on the pod because uh yeah um apparently holidays are also a great time for ghost stories yes they really i was

actually considering maybe doing that like next episode of seeing if I can find one of those ghost stories, depending on how long they are. I'm not, I'm still not sure if they're like sort of like longer novellas or, or if they're like shorter stories. But they sound, but they sound spooky.

I love it. And great. But anyway, thank you for sending us things uh means just really really means a lot to us yeah and now we we are going to get into a story that really i just picked i picked purely because i enjoyed the vibes of the picture um it's not it's not especially wintry or festive it's just i liked it i thought the picture show me real fast i want to see does it give this yeah you know what it's fine well

no it doesn't because it the the title is pretty much the title already gives it away oh isn't that oh the smith and the demon i smith and the demon gosh have you read this one i don't think so but i've seen it a bunch and i've always wanted to hear that story oh okay well you're you you shall today uh you shall hear it well and also remember uh that movie that it wasn't Russian. It was like The Devil and the Blacksmith. Did we talk about this on the podcast already? We did. It was Aramantari. It's a

Basque fairy tale film. Oh, yeah. I bet you never watched it, huh? No. You should. Wait, wait. No. Yes, I did. I keep forgetting that I did i did in fact watch it yeah ermentari um it was a 2017 film the devil and the blacksmith it was oh it's on netflix if you have netflix it's so good it's so theater yeah are you remembering now i'm remembering i'm remembering now i'm mostly remembering the end which was so fucking cool gosh i don't know if i remember the end you know there was

like a big twist i'll cut i'll cut this out but essentially like they they end up going to hell and um yes like a giant devil i don't think you should cut it out i mean i don't think that's that much of a spoiler i i don't think so either cut it out. I don't think that's that much of a spoiler. I don't think so either since it's like demons and devils are kind of a theme. Yeah. Go watch Aramantari. It is in Basque so you will have to watch subtitles

unless you speak Basque which would be awesome. I'd be glad to know if you do. I'd do that. But it was still good. Yeah, like I loved the stylization of it it was very like guillermo del toro and in like style in the sense that it's like really it's like it was very like not cartoonish exactly but very like very like fantasy um it reminded me a lot of like pan's labyrinth kind of yes yeah. Except like funnier.

Yeah. It was very theater kid. Yeah. Yes. Theater kid coded. It's so much fun. A little campy. I definitely recommend that one.

Anyway. Yeah. So good. So good to make predictions. Yeah. Yeah. You definitely do. Yeah. This is the devil and the demon oh okay the smith and the demon it's from uh russian tales traditional stories of quests and enchantments

and this is from the chronicle books collection collection. We'll post photos of it to the gram. Yeah. Okay. Absolutely gorgeous artwork too. Yeah. I know those books are so beautiful. And I love that they get like, they just get like a different artist from the culture that the stories are

from for every. Oh, really? Yeah. So this one, this one was illustrated by Dinara mertalipova um that's fucking awesome who is uh from uzbekistan that's very cute yeah okay it is very cool well she lives in ohio now apparently but you know she was born i guess I guess she's allowed to live in Ohio.

Okay. My first prediction is that, let me see. I don't want to base it too much on a different fairy tale than I imagined, but I do imagine that the Smith and the demon make a deal. Okay. smith and the demon make a deal okay and i predict that the smith outsmarts the demon okay i mean in any fairy tale somebody's gonna outsmart the devil or the demon that's good that's gotta be and i want to go a little more outlandish and predict something totally out of pocket do something crazy i predict there's a talking cat oh yeah baby i love it please for the love of god give me a talking cat i deserve it i need i need this i'm tired i've been very stressed out

oh kelsey i'm fine it's fine it's fine i keep saying that anytime i think about something that starts sending me into a little depression i just keep going it's fine it's fine it's fine you are the dog in the burning house it's fine it's totally it's fine and it really is it's fine because you know what things okay if it's not things get bad sometimes that's just life but they're then they're gonna get better they have to right right they'll definitely they'll get better i feel i feel your pain though well i am about to um lead you into another funny timing on this um into another workplace nightmare good i need a relatable story yeah do enjoy um

oh my god is the demon his boss damn it can that be a bonus prediction i don't get any points but i'm making that um yeah you can make that prediction i think i think you will i think you will enjoy where the demon fits into this situation a lot okay that's just a bonus prediction that doesn't count yeah i also enjoyed uh where the demon fit in for oh i can't wait um we'll dissect after i'm done telling you all right let's do it once upon a time there was a smith and he had one son, a sharp, smart six-year-old boy. One day, the old man went to church, and as he stood before a picture of the last judgment, he saw a demon painted there, such a terrible one, black with horns and a tail.

Oh my, said he to himself, suppose I get just such another painted for the smithy. himself suppose i get just such another painted for the smithy so he hired an artist and ordered him to paint on the door of the smithy exactly such another demon as he had seen in the church that's fun i like this guy's taste me too i also thought that was kind of a fun choice i was kind of expecting like i i honestly from a story from a story this old, I wasn't expecting like a, oh man, that is such a sick painting. I want one just like it. As opposed to like fear of demons. Oh, that's horrible. I love it. I love it. Awesome. I want one on the door to my business. My new mascot.

He's going to go on all my marketing materials. he's gonna go on all my marketing materials oh my gosh i would actually absolutely love that for yes i mean i guess there's not really like blacksmith like local blacksmiths nowadays but that would be badass maybe there are somewhere i don't know maybe there are i mean I mean, someone's, honestly, someone's got to forge things. Mm-hmm. But I guess it's, like, done by machines in a factory. Yeah. Most of the time.

I bet it'd be, like, a local artist. I bet there is somewhere. Oh, I mean, I definitely know there are local artists that make weapons and stuff. I mean, like, a local artist that has the devil or a demon as their, like, emblem. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I bet they, honestly honestly they probably go to the renaissance fair every year it's badass so badass anyway so we hired an artist to paint pretty much

the exact same painting on his door and thenceforward the old man every time he entered the smithy always looked at the demon and said good morning fellow countryman and then he would lay the fire in the furnace and begin his work that's cute yeah it's adorable well the smith lived in good accord with the demon for some 10 years then he fell ill and died oh no i know he's already dead that's so fast i know he's already dead. That's so fast. I know. He got sick. It happens. It's medieval times or whatever.

He probably just had like a small scratch. He probably had a small scratch and he was like, I don't know, 40. So old. So terribly, terribly old his son succeeded to his place as head of the household and took the smithy into his own hands but he was not disposed to show attention to the demon as the old man had done oh well because he didn't commission the painting that was like his old dad did he's a god-fearing little little boy he should be afraid of the demon you know oh yeah that's what i meant well yeah you know he's a demon disrespecting

little punk is what he is when he went into the smithy in the morning, he never said good morrow to him. Instead of offering him a kindly word, he took the biggest hammer he had handy and thumped the demon with it three times right on the forehead, and then he would go to work. This is giving me Harold from Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. Yes, yes it is. But instead of a, you know, scarecrow, it's a painting of a demon. Yep. But like the same kind of like, ooh, you know, maybe don't don't don't don't don't abuse inanimate objects that like you have infused with like any of your energy. Mm hmm.

Huge mistake. Huge mistake. huge mistake huge mistake when one of god's holy days came round he would go to church and offer each saint a taper but he would go up to the demon and spit in his face wow i know bold it's rude rude thus three years went by he all the while favoring the evil one every morning either with a spitting or with a hammering the demon endured it and endured it and at last found it past all endurance it was too much for him that's fair totally and i feel like for a demon waiting three years to decide you're over it that remarkable patience remarkable i've had quite enough of this insolence from him thinks he

suppose i make use of a little diplomacy and play on him some sort of a trick yes do it. I'm on the demon side. Me too. He was getting hit in the face with a hammer. But he hasn't done anything. After being totally cool with his dad, he's like,

we're friends. We're friends. He says good morning to me every morning. It's all chill. I don't even need you to light a candle for me at church or anything but like just don't hit me or spit on me okay yeah i feel like that's pretty reasonable again especially coming from someone that the book is referring to as the evil one so the demon took the form of a youth and went to the smithy. Good day, uncle, says he. Good day. What should you say, uncle, to taking me as an apprentice?

At all events, I could carry fuel for you and blow the bellows. The smith liked the idea. Why shouldn't I, he replied. Two are better than one. So the demon began to learn his trade, and at the end of a month, he knew more about Smith's work than his master did himself and was able to do everything that his master couldn't do. It was a real

pleasure to look at him. There's no describing how satisfied his master was with him and how fond he got of him. Sometimes, I know. Betrayal. Betrayal. Betrayal. Sometimes the master didn't even go into the smithy at all himself, but trusted entirely to his journeyman, who had complete charge of everything. Well, it happened one day that the master was not at home, and the journeyman was

left all by himself in the smithy. Presently, he saw an old lady driving along the street in her carriage, whereupon he popped his head out of doors and began shouting, Hi, sirs! Be so good as to step in here. We've opened a new business here. We turn old folks into young ones. I love that. I know. Magic.

Magic. So, naturally, out of her carriage jumps the lady in a trice and runs into the smithy. I mean, can you blame her? Hello? The ageism? You do what? It's medieval times. She's probably like, you know.

She's 45. Right? If that. Mm-hmm. it's medieval times she's probably like she's 45 right if that ageism has been around for way too long 100% yeah so she runs in there and she says what's that you're bragging about do you mean to say it's true can you really do it

she asked the youth we haven't gotten to learn our business answered the demon Do you mean to say it's true? Can you really do it? She asked the youth. We haven't gotten to learn our business, answered the demon. If I hadn't been able to do it, I would not have invited people to try. Lies. How much does it cost? Asked the lady. Just your soul.

Just your soul. No, this demon is charging money. Okay. He's a businessman. 500 rubles to be young again. That's a steal. Steal. A steal.

You don't even have to give your soul. No. You just pay him. All you need to do is be rich. Man, that's so real so it is so real just like it is today i mean for real though is like the the way the the the best way to keep yourself young is to be rich like oh gosh oh wow um anyway times have not changed so she's like got 500 rubles on her because she just hands it over um wow must be nice i know because she's i know well then there's your money make a young woman of me

the demon took the money and he sent the ladies coachman into the village go says he and bring me here two buckets full of milk and after that he took a pair of tongs caught hold of the lady by the feet flung her into the furnace and burnt her up nothing was left of her but bare bones oh so i don't know if that treatment really works then what are you talking about it's the fastest acting anti-aging treatment on the market in the sense that it addresses the aging process by stopping it completely with death with death it's cold but you'll see when the buckets of milk were brought he emptied them into a large tub and then he collected all of the bones and flung them into the milk

and at the end of about three minutes the lady emerged from the milk, alive and young and beautiful. Magic. Magic. Amazing. Okay, I'm in. Yeah, seriously. How much do you think 500 rubles is to today's money? Oh my god, let's look it up. Rubles to dollars. It's

$5.56. Okay, but that's 500 russian rubles today is five dollars and 56 cents to the u.s dollar let's look at like how much 500 rubles is worth in like the 17th century or something. I don't know. $5.56. She paid him $5. 500 rubles in 1912 was worth $2.50. Like $250. Oh my goodness. I don't want to look into this too much. Yeah, I don't think that's going to translate.

It's just probably not going to translate. So I'm assuming 500 rubles is like a lot of money, but I guess not so much that she didn't just like have it on her in her purse. Or maybe it's suspiciously cheap, you know? Ooh, or it's suspiciously cheap. So maybe it is like, give me 200 bucks and yeah, I'll make you young again forever. Okay. Anyway, she's young and beautiful again. Well, she got into her carriage and drove home where she went straight to her husband

and he stared hard at her but didn't recognize her as his wife. I bet. What are you staring at says the lady i'm young and elegant you see and i don't want to have an old husband oh wow okay be off at once to the smithy yeah what she doesn't want a new one she just wants to get him she wants to keep her current husband. She just wants him to be also young and hot. That's so cute. Reasonable.

I don't know why I feel like that's cute. It is kind of cute. Well, because it's like she immediately runs home. She's like, oh my God, I found someone who can like make us young again. And then so basically, baby, we get to do this all over again only with money the dream the dream so she says be off at once to the

smithy and get them to make you young if you don't I won't so much as acknowledge you I love her actually queen there was no help for it to offset the lord but by that time the smith had returned home and had gone into the smithy he looked about and his journeyman wasn't to be seen. He searched and searched. He inquired and inquired.

Never a thing came of it. Not even a trace of the youth could be found. He took to his work by himself and was hammering away when at that moment up drove the Lord who walked straight into the smithy. Make a young man of me, said he. Oh, no. Are you in your right mind, Baron? How can one make a young man of me, said he. Oh, no. Are you in your right mind, Baron? How can one make a young man of you? Come now, you know all about that.

I know nothing of the kind. You lie, you scoundrel. Scoundrel. Does it say that or did you put that? It says you scoundrel. Oh, I love it. I love a good use of the word scoundrel. Absolutely.

That was perfect. Since you made my old woman young, make me young too. Otherwise, there'll be no living with her for me. Help a brother out, please. Please. help a brother out please please she will kick me out of my own house why i haven't so much as seen your good lady your journeyman saw her and that's just the same thing if he knew how to do the job surely you an hand, must have learned how to do it long ago. Come now, set to work at once.

If you don't, it will be the worst for you. I'll have you rubbed down with a birch tree towel. I'm assuming that's scratching and uncomfortable. I'm guessing it's very scratchy. The smith was compelled to try his hand at transforming the lord he held a private conversation with the coachman as to how his journeyman had set to work with the lady and what he had done to her and then he thought oh no so be it okay i'll do the same if i fall on my feet good if i don't well I must suffer all the same.

So he set to work at once, stripped the lord naked, laid hold of him by the leg with the tongs, popped him into the furnace, and began blowing the bellows. After he had burnt him to a cinder, he collected his remains, flung them into the milk, and then waited to see how soon a youthful young

lord would jump out of it he waited one hour oh no two hours nothing came of it he made a search in the tub there was nothing in it but bones and the you know the charred ones that he'd thrown into it in the beginning. Yikes. Just then, the lady sent messengers to the smithy to ask whether the lord would soon be ready. The poor smith had to reply that the lord was no more. Oh, gosh. He doesn't seem too bummed about it, though. Not alive.

You know, he did his best he did he tried he was like oh i mean if it's that easy then sure like i'll i'll toss his bones into a milk bath like oh man when the lady heard that the smith had only turned her husband into a cinder instead of making him young, she was tremendously angry, and she called together her trusty servants and ordered them to drag him to the gallows. I feel like that's fair. I feel like he could have at least waited to ask his apprentice. Right? Or insisted like, yeah, no, I guess you're gonna have to rub me down with that towel because like uh come back yeah come back tomorrow i mean this is not a case where you fake it till you make it no this is not like a you know i can teach myself this skill by Googling it sort of thing.

Exactly. So her servants ran to the smith's house, laid hold of him, tied his hands together and dragged him off to the gallows. And all of a sudden there came up with them the youngster who used to live with the smith as his journeyman, who asked him, where are they taking you, master? They're going to hang me replied the smith and straight away related all that had happened to him well uncle said the demon swear that you will never strike me with your hammer but that you will pay me the same respect your father always paid and the lord shall be alive and young too in a trice. This is the most to make a point. Just to make a point.

Like, just to ask for a little fucking respect around here. The demons are so sassy. Like, he probably could have just shown up as a scary demon and said that, but he had to do all this instead. Yes. Well, otherwise he wouldn't be a demon. Like, that's what they do. The smith began promising and swearing that he would never again lift his hammer against the

demon and that he would always pay him every attention thereupon the journeyman hastened to the smithy and shortly afterwards came back again bringing the lord with him and crying to the servants hold hold don't hang him here is master. Then they immediately untied the cords and let the Smith go free. From that time forward, the Smith gave up spitting at the demon and striking him with his hammer. The journeyman disappeared and was never seen again, but the Lord and his lady entered upon a prosperous course of life. And if they haven't died,

they're living still the end. What if they stay young forever and they really are still alive? I know. That's totally what I thought, too. That's the only fix. I mean, it's not really a fix either because it's vague. The story even kind of implies that, I don't know, they're probably still out there somewhere. That's amazing.

I love that. I never would have guessed in a million years that the demon is the one who outsmarts the Smith or like tricks the Smith. That's almost never how it happens. So that was really fun. I know. Usually they find a way to outwit the devil at his own game, but not in this one. Yeah.

I also, I don't know. Like I was debating fixing it by like, I don't know, like having, having something actually kind of gruesome happened to like the Smith at the end. But I also, I don't know. Like I was debating fixing it by like, I don't know, like having, having something actually kind of gruesome happened to like the Smith at the end. But I also, I don't know. I kind of like it that it's like the demon did all of this. Just, just like say you got to stop fucking hitting me with your hammer.

Yeah. Quit flicking me. It really hurts my feelings. Quit flicking me. You really hurts my feelings. Quit flicking me. You know, I think I would have liked it if somehow that made the Smith and the demon-like friends. And then he actually gained respect for him and started treating him like his father did. Like, and it ends with him, you know, tipping his hat and saying good morrow to him. And he like,

like a, like a more clear, like, Oh no, we're kind of friends. You know what I mean? I don't really know how they do that. Maybe after he reveals it to him,

they have a, they have a, Oh yeah. I see. You know what I mean? Yeah. That they're like, that they're like buddies now that like the Smith actually like leaves him little offerings or something.

Yeah. Because all the book says is that he stopped spitting on him. Yeah. But no. Instead, he should be like. Bare minimum. Yeah. Being like, oh, good morning.

And they're like, man, now they have a drink. And now they're friends. And then he disappears. I don't know. That's my fix. Yeah. I love that. I love that.

I think it's a great fix. I'll co-sign that one. I think that's really cute. I think that would be fun. That was such a good story, though. I love that. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I also thought it was like really, really cute, kind of charming.

I love that story. I got no points. No, you didn't. Not even on your, cause you know, it turned out that he, uh,

he was the employee. I mean, what about making a deal? I guess you could say that the deal is at the very end. You're right. Yeah. The deal, the deal is stop hitting me. Stop deal is. Stop hitting me.

Stop hitting me. Stop hitting me. It hurts my feelings. Okay. I got one point. Ha. There was a deal. One point.

There's always a deal. But I don't know. I like that it's like a. Yeah. I like that it's a workplace drama. Always. That he signs on as like his employee and then does a task better than his boss does. And then his boss tries to do it and then realizes how much he actually needs his employee.

Yeah. I know. That's so cute. It was like the opposite of what I predicted. Because the demon and the smith were kind of opposites in the, like, you know, protagonist-antagonist rule. The smith was really kind of the antagonist in this. Yeah, he was. That's such a good point.

Of course. Like, it's another reason to enjoy the story. Of course, in Russia, where all the stories are dark as fuck. Uh-huh. The demons actually are protagonist here. Just like Balayaga. And we're on his side the witch is actually the hero sort of

the anti-hero the anti-hero something yeah i love a good anti-hero me too anti-heroes are my favorite all right i just love a good story but now you should tell me your story okay okay abby oh my god have you heard of the yule cat no what is this tell me about the yule cat i am so excited okay before i tell you what the yule cat is i going to need you to give me three predictions. The Cat Talks. Wait, hold on, hold on. I gotta get this. Okay, the Cat Talks. Yeah.

Because I also want that and I feel like I deserve it. Okay. The Yule Cat. The Yule Cat. The Christmas Cat. The Christmas Cat. Or Yule Cat. The Yule Cat. The Christmas Cat. The Christmas Cat.

Or Yule Caturin. It's Icelandic. I don't know. Ooh, it's Icelandic. It's an Icelandic Christmas folklore creature. The cat is a troll in disguise. Okay. And one more prediction. It has a happy ending. Happy ending. Okay. And one more prediction. It has a happy ending.

Happy ending. Okay. I am so excited to tell you about the Yule Cat. I want to know about the Yule Cat. So this is more of a folklore creature and less of like a fairy tale. Okay. So I feel like this is something I would normally do for a bonus episode, but I was so excited to tell you about it.

I decided to go for it. I'm glad you didn't save it. I want to hear it. So, so the Yule cat or Yule Caturin is a giant cat that said to be seen around the snowy countryside of Iceland during Christmas time. Oh, and eats little children who have not received

any new clothes to wear before Christmas Eve. Oh my God. Oh no. So it eats poor kids. Yep. Poor, poor. It's a big white, it's a big cat. Not white.

I don't know if it's a white cat, but it's a, it's a big cat who shows up big cat not white i don't know if it's a white cat but it's a it's a big cat who shows up around christmas time to eat poor kids essentially i assume rich kids get new clothes all the time so i know it's class is just fuck oh my god and a giant cat. Like, it's the size of your house, which I think is amazing. I had never heard of this. And I think I randomly saw it on, like, Instagram or something, like a quick little snippet about it. And I was like, I have to know more. Yes.

Oh, my God. That would be so scary, too. Yeah yeah a giant fucking cat coming to eat you yes like because like a cat as big as a house uh-huh it's huge actually i'm gonna send you a picture real fast oh yes please please do i must so. And obviously we'll post all these pictures onto our Instagram. Oh my God. Because I look at my cat so often and like I love her. She's so cute. I'm so grateful that she is the size that she is.

Okay, this one doesn't look as big as a house, but it's still terrifying. It's still loading. Oh my god! I don't know why that's worse. It's a picture of a cat moving. It would be like the size of a car. And it's got claws in the back of a little kid. And it's dragging him toward it.

And the kid's obviously struggling. Yes. Oh my God. And it's just like, I love that it's all just like, it's just, it looks like a normal tabby cat. Like it looks like, it looks like an average tabby cat. Like a regular cat, not like a lion or, you know, a big cat. Or like a leopard or anything like that.

It's like a fat house cat that's the size of a car. That's the size of a car and has its claws like sunk into the buttocks of this child. And he's like trying to drag himself yes oh my god that's amazing isn't that so fucked up

that's so fucked up okay tell me more please oh real fast all of my sources will be in our show notes but I got my sources from Wikipedia

Icelandic folklore dot is odd feed dot net icelandic folklore.is um odd feed.net and seattle mag.com there is a million like articles and information about the the

yulek out there uh so while the folktale is referred to as ancient tradition the written accounts of yulein have only been around as recently as like the 19th century allegedly

okay uh the threat of being eaten by the Yolkat was used by farmers as an incentive for their workers to finish processing

the autumn wool before Christmas so it's not just poor it's also like a lazy so it's like if you're lazy

and don't finish your chores and don't get new clothes before Christmas. Okay. Then the Yule Cat will get you. Yule Cat's going to come eat you. Yeah. Okay. So the ones who took part in the work would be rewarded with new clothes, but the ones who did nothing would be preyed upon by the monstrous cat. Oh, my God.

That's so true. Everyone's stressed out during the holidays. So stressed out. It's like, if you don't help me with this, I will let the Yule Cat eat you. Yep. Precisely. I can always make a new child. So there is a poem that I'm going to read, and the poem is by Johan Urquhartlum in 1932,

and it was only translated into English as recently as 2015. Oh, wow. Yeah, isn't that crazy? Yeah. So I'm going to read you this poem, and then I'll tell you a little bit more about the Yule Cat. Yes, please. You all know the Yule. Oh, and it doesn't really like rhyme or anything.

I think it's because it's translated into English. But it's very fun. And also, fun fact, Bjork wrote this into a song. Of course she did. Called Yule Caturin. And you can listen to it on Spotify. I will be doing this. You all know the Yul cat, and that cat was huge indeed.

People didn't know where he came from or where he went. Like, oh, God, my joke. like it all got my job i'm glad you laughed i thought that was dumb oh my god that really hit me in the funny bone that's so fucking funny every time i read that it was it was so subtle, too. Like, just like you hummed a few bars. It took me a second. He opened his glaring eyes wide, the two of them glowing bright. It took a really brave man to look straight into them. His whiskers, sharp as bristles, his back arched up high, and the claws of his hairy paws were terrible sight. Yeah. He gave a wave of his strong tail.

He jumped and he clawed and he hissed, sometimes up in the valley, sometimes down by the shore. Oh my God. He roamed at large, hungry and evil, in the freezing Yule snow. In every home, people shuddered at his name. If one heard a pitiful meow, something evil would happen soon.

Everybody knew he hunted men, but didn't care for mice. He picked on the very poor. Yeah. That classist that no new garments got for Yule who toiled and lived in dire need. From them, he took in one fell swoop their whole Yule dinner, always eating it himself if he possibly could. Okay, well, I mean, I guess it's not great, but it's a little better than taking their children.

Yeah, yeah. A lot of accounts say that he eats their food instead of their children. Yeah. Still rude, but not like not as bad as bad yeah i don't know if they're if they're poor though like hey that's like starve or yeah oh it's always it's always the poor having a hard time being on the side of the Yule cat in this situation. Uh-huh. Even so cool, though. Hence, it was that the women at their spinning wheel sat spinning a colorful thread for a frock or a little sock.

Because you mustn't let the cat get hold of the little children, they had to get something new to wear from the grown-ups each year. And when the lights came on Yule Eve and the cat peered in, the little children stood rosy and proud, all dressed up in their new clothes. Some had gotten an apron and some had gotten shoes or something that was needed. That was all it took. For all who got something new to wear, stayed out of that pussy cat's grasp and then gave an awful hiss and went on his way. So he's like all mad. Gotta find another one. That's good. So it's like as long as you get something, like it can be a sock.

Yeah, exactly. Just something. You don't need like a whole new outfit. Exactly. Whether he still exists, I do not know, but his visit would be in vain if next time everybody got something new to wear. Now you might be thinking of helping where help is needed most. Perhaps you'll find some children that have nothing at all. Perhaps searching for those that live in a lightless world will give you a happy day and a merry, merry Yule. The end. a merry merry yule the end oh i love that so it's like it's like a nice little ending yeah go out there and do some yule charity like exactly go go help your neighbors help your neighbors finish their chores donate donate clothes donate clothes like oh my gosh i actually i also i also wanted to end the episode and go on like um i was

looking up like ethical way to donate clothing oh and it got so complicated and just talking about how you know fast fashion and over consumption that my brain actually exploded because we're like living in the good place where you can't actually do something good without it having something bad happen as well yeah yeah so that's that is kind of the horrible reality of so maybe actually just uh just donate to like the red cross or your local homeless shelter or, you know. Or, you know, it's a great option is donating new unwrapped toys to like your local toy drive. Yeah.

I loved doing that, like donating to toy drives. It's not clothes, but sometimes they'll take clothes though. So. Well, and also sometimes like if you look up, like there's a um a mutual aid group in baltimore that i follow and they they take clothes because they and then they distribute to um people who are living on the street uh along with like masks and gloves and like basic medicine basic medical supplies and stuff like that.

So like, you know, look up like safety drives and mutual aid in your city. Yeah, I definitely, I mean, I read a whole article about how like, you know, companies like Goodwill and Salvation Army who are problematic in other ways as well, but they only don't actually donate like maybe 30%. And they sell, They don't donate. They sell like maybe 30 percent of the stuff that they actually get. And then they mark it up. I also read that like Goodwill legally doesn't have to pay their staff minimum wage. They can get away with.

And so they tend to hire people from vulnerable populations that are – that just need any job at all and they can get away with paying them way less than minimum wage. It's bananas. It's literally like we're living in the good place. That's such a real concept where you try to do – you try to live your best like good life and but really you can't. You try to live your best good life, but really you can't. So anyway, look up your local thrift stores or just donate money if you can. Yeah. But the point is, using your resources to help people who have less than you is a really, it's a really good impulse,

regardless of how you're able to go about that. So, you know, do something nice for someone else this winter. Yeah, otherwise, they're gonna get eaten by the Yorikaduren. All right, so I'm gonna tell you a little bit more about this cat because there is some, there's some like deep lore so um as i mentioned some say that the cat um merely eats the food of the ones without the clothes but that's not nearly as scary as fun as like actually eating their children and the yule cat was depicted as a man-eating beast was popularized by johan's poem did i forget to say who wrote the poem no you said it you said it earlier i think did i yeah just in case again just in case uh this is a poem by johan or kodlam okay yeah i totally did i was worried for a second you're nailing it you're doing here's a poem that i wrote

and i popularized the notion of the yule cat being a man-eater um so the yule cat is also known as the cat of ogris slash troll slash christmas witch grilla yeah badass amazing i'm gonna tell you a little tiny bit about grilla yes so grilla is an ogreous troll witch who lives in the snowy mountains of iceland she is said to have 300 heads with one eye on each have hooves for feet and 13 tails. She is always mad, always hungry, and always relatable. I too am grumpy and hungry, especially in the winter. As an ogress, her favorite food is kids. And she snatches them in her large sack where she carries them home to

boil a delicious hearty kid stew she's like santa claus and then she watches children all year long and she keeps track of who's naughty but then unlike santa she comes down from her cave around christmas time to devour them oh my god that is such a cool christmas monster isn't that fucking awesome i love it so much there's so much okay there's so much deep lore it keeps going so grilla is said to have three different husbands i think she killed the first two i didn't get into the husbands because that was like a lot. She has husbands too. She has husbands. And she's also said to have some 72 troublemaking children of her own.

Fuck yes. Most notably the Yule Lads or Yola Venir. I don't know if I'm saying that right. I tried to look up how to pronounce all of these, and I heard some different ones. So if you know I'm pronouncing them wrong, please feel free to message me and let me know. But the Yule Lads are 13 sons that help Grilla hunt down naughty children and wreak havoc during the holidays. Although today they are quite commercialized, and they're more like 13 jolly santas in red garments white beards and give out toys okay well you know i guess that's nice i kind of i kind of prefer

the mischievous person right the one big horrible unhappy family uh-huh grilla is like santa claus she watches the kids all year she does she does checks it twice she's got a list um so back to the yule cat okay her her favorite pet obviously a giant cat which is the greatest cat okay her her favorite pet obviously a giant cat which is the greatest that explains why it also just looks like a pet cat uh-huh it just is yeah giant monster house cat um so as i mentioned the poem is so popular that it's actually been made into a song by bjork so i'll post a spotify link in our show notes you You just look up Jóra Katurinn and you'll find it. I listened to it. It sounds like it's actually a great wintry, like kind of medieval tavern song. Okay. At least that's what it sounded like to me.

Fun. I'm excited to listen to it. I love Bjork. Very chanty. In 2018, the capital of Iceland, Reykjavik, erected a giant sculpture of the Yule Cat in honor of this folktale. It was very controversial. Some people really love it. Some people don't. But regardless, if you like it or not, it draws a crowd. And it's like a giant nine-foot LED light sculpture.

That sounds awesome. Absolutely. Who could not like that? Maybe people who had their children eaten. I guess. I mean, it's kind of a classist folktale, so I could see that being. You know, I guess that's fair. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it is like a fix for the folktale is maybe the Yule Cat Eats Rich Kids instead. There you go. Like if you're rich and you didn't do any charity this winter. Yes, that's the fix. You get eaten.

Not if you don't have new clothes, but if you didn't donate anything or do anything for someone else. Yeah. That's the fix. Perfect. Your kids get eaten. Nailed it. I think the idea wasn't more like you don't get clothes. It was that you were like naughty and didn't do your chores though.

Yeah. That makes sense. Like when you explain it that way, like it's like, okay. Like because then it kind of lines up with other Christmas monsters. Because Christmas monsters are almost always. Yeah. You don't finish your crocheting your Christmas crafts before Christmas. If you don't do your cleaning before Christmas,

you know? Yep. So make sure to finish your chores and give gifts of new and warm clothing for Christmas, especially to those less fortunate. If not, the Yule cat is sure to catch them and eat them up. And that is, that's it on the Yule Cat.

I love that. I'm so glad you didn't, you hadn't heard of that. I've never heard of that. Thank you for telling me that. Isn't that wild? It is wild. Oh, so much fun. That's so cool.

Yeah. God, I love christmas monsters me too i think maybe we need to focus more on christmas monsters at some point maybe for our bonus episode with more because that's we we did that last year i think because we did christmas monsters for our december i remember i did the christmas spider and that was cute that was a cute story yeah the christmas spider oh my god I know oh we're like that's where tinsel comes from yeah sometimes it's just hard because like you don't find an actual story which is why I was thinking maybe this is more of a bonus episode topic but I just I thought it was so cool I couldn't couldn't wait yep I'm glad you didn't wait I love that I know that I love knowing about. And also like, thank you for, you know, doing sort of like our annual, our annual Christmas charity.

Yes. P.S.A. All right. Well, happy holidays. Happy Yule. Solstice, whatever brings your heart happiness this year. I think that's going to do it for us today. Sure. Well, I think we've done enough. We've done all we can here.

Done it all. Uh, we did it again. I'm proud of us. Me too. Thank you so much for listening to fairy tale fix. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple, or you can leave us a star review on spotify we're up to 79

nice we got we got a new one i was really excited about it i feel like i check it almost like every other day to see okay we're up to 78 oh very nice so So if you have Spotify and you haven't rated us yet, feel free to push us up to 80. Get us to 80. And if you want to get our mentioned bonus episodes, you can support us at fairytalefix.cash, which is our Patreon. You can find us on Instagram at fairytalefixpod,

where we'll post all those cool artwork we talked about. And please email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, and other Christmas Yule things. Holiday stories at info at fairytalefixedpod.com. And so everything happened with the demon and the smith the exact same way as in the story. But at the end of it, instead of just merely not spitting on him anymore, the smith actually went out of his way to say good morning, tip his hat, leave the occasional offering out, and he and the demon became buddies. And the Yorakuturin decided to stop being so classist and only eat children who don't do something good during the year. And they all lived happily ever after the end.