Fairy Tale Fix - 8: The Episode of Men Who Suck

Episode Date: January 5, 2021

Abbie tells the lesser known but very exciting Brothers Grimm tale The Iron Stove, while Kelsey is super excited to debut The Lost Sister from her newest folktale book, Tales of East Africa. We’re sorry to say it (are we though?) but this is the episode of men who suck.

It's our first episode of the new year. Oh my goodness. God, hopefully a much, much calmer new year abby happy new year kelsey oh my gosh happy 2021 let's hope that this year is just buckets and buckets better than 2020 for all of us like dreams for this year we get a vaccine it's distributed I can hug you in person and not sad Zoom hugs over the phone. I can finally fly out to Baltimore like I was supposed to. Last year. Maybe we could even go to New York like we had planned.

Oh my gosh. And we were also, I don't know if you remember, but we were also planning on going to all of the crab restaurants in Baltimore. Like every single one I had mapped out our crab restaurant route. Yeah. Cause I didn't have any crab last time I came to Baltimore and that was just sad. It was a missed opportunity. It was. Cause that's,

we were very busy, but we went and we did a lot of other stuff, but it is, I think it actually is some kind of capital offense to come to maryland and not have crab i know right i felt bad about it so i gotta i gotta make up for it and have just so much crab when my parents came to visit me two summers ago they came to visit me at work and they met my boss and she asked like what we were planning to do while they were in town and we hadn't really made any formal plans and she was all like you will eat crab and you will drink natty bow if

you're going to visit baltimore these are the two baltimore things that you could do i didn't do either of them you didn't do either of those things so in your defense natty bow is a light beer like any other light beer. You know, we did go to the Guinness Brewery. Yeah, we went to the Guinness Brewery and had much better beer. I'm a big fan of Guinness. Me too. Looks like you're actually drinking one right now.

I am. I am having a Guinness Blonde while we record. It's brewed right here in Baltimore. And it is pretty delicious. Yeah, I was really surprised when we went to the Guinness Brewery how many different types of beer they had. Because you know, whenever I think Guinness, I just think the stout. So they do a lot of experimental beers. They had this really beautiful beer garden. Yeah, it was fun. Maybe 2021 is the year we can all go back to the beautiful beer garden yes we can pack all of our dreams for two years worth yeah into this year since we got about 10 years worth of bad news packed into 2020 yep so what are uh what are your guys's hopes and dreams for 2021 you should let us know is there a fairy

tale you want to hear in 2021 oh yes please let us know what you want us to cover also do we do new year's resolutions we're gonna do that i don't i want to hear what other people's are yeah yeah let us know what your resolutions are i don't have any because i mean i i'm just kind of congratulating myself on surviving 2020 and if that's how you feel you know you feel bad you don't have resolutions you shouldn't feel bad because 2020 was fucked up yeah we're uh we're still stuck inside amid a global pandemic. So I feel like a good goal for 2021 is just continuing to make it. I do want to. It's not really a resolution, but I do want to get out more.

Just out of my house. And like in nature, not necessarily around people, but just getting fresh air and not lying on the couch being depressed. Those are that's a big dream it's a beautiful wish yeah yeah i like it find some nature put put my hands in a like stream feel some running water that sounds weird but that's what i want no I love it that's so good feel some natural body of water on my body that's a great that's a great New Year's resolution. What about you? I want to do something with the postage stamp that I call a front yard. I did nothing with it all last year because by the time I realized I needed to do something with it, it was too late. It was April.

And all of the weeds had already like, nah, reared their heads. And it was all I could do all summer to keep them weed whacked down to a length that didn't embarrass me in front of my neighbors. Do you have room to plant flowers or something? Yeah, I want to do that this year. I want to do it. I want I want to I want to completely like I want to completely get all the weeds out of there. I want to kind of turn it over. And I was kind of thinking about scattering wildflower seeds. Totally. Which you're supposed to do sort of mid-March-ish for this climate.

Yeah. Is what they recommend. I've got these seed packets. So you're ready. I am ready. I realized what I wanted to do in April of last year after it was too late to do it. If I want to do this, I have to start mid-March right as the weather's turning and as the ground is warming up, but before it thaws enough where

the weeds start coming in. And so then you get these seed packets that already have a bunch of the wildflowers that already naturally occur in the northeast. And I lay them out, I sprinkle them out over my worked earth. And then they'll grow with the first of this heavy spring rains, and they'll choke out all of the weeds. And I'll have a beautiful carpet of wildflowers. And this is my plan. it that's a great plan and it's also really like good for bees and stuff exactly plant planting wildflowers is really good for the environment yeah see it would be helping yeah exactly but nature flowers that's that's excellent hey you should also try like a tomato plant or something just buy one that's already sprouted and throw it in the ground and watch it. That's what I do. I do have a little vegetable box in my back patio. Yeah,

just buy like one tomato and throw it in. Yeah, because that was my other thing. It's like I'm planning on trying to grow things this year. That's a good idea. So they sell tomato plants that are already sprouted. I don't have to do one by myself yeah yeah starting them from seed is really difficult well i don't know if it's really difficult all their gardeners here are like kludging their pearls at me saying that but if you have a black thumb like i do um yeah i always just buy like a starter sprout from i usually go to a local nursery, but they also have them like Home Depot and Lowe's and stuff. And you just plant it in the ground. And then I just kind of set it up for automatic watering every day. And then I don't look at it again until later.

Okay. So it's not, I don't usually have like a perfect tomato plant, but I get some tomatoes and it's exciting. You get some tomatoes. That is good. I like, okay, cool. Or, you know, the squirrels also come eat my tomatoes, but it's very good. Well, that's the other thing. So I live in Baltimore City and my house backs up to an alley and it's currently unfenced, my little back plot. So I need to get it fenced to somewhat reduce the chances that rats and raccoons will make off with all of my potential tomatoes. I want to grow peppers and onions.

I've done onions a couple of times and they just don't get very big, but they're still really fun. And then you like have to cure them. So you like take them out and leave them in the sun for a couple of days. And they get like that crispy edge. I've done peppers, but I'd never have any luck with it. They always are really, really tiny and really thin and they don't taste very good. But I mean, maybe you'll have better luck. Maybe. I also have a black thumb, so we will see.

Do you have rabbits in Baltimore? Not in the city that I've ever seen. Okay, because last time I came to visit you, you were a little bit outside the city and there were rabbits everywhere. Yeah. I was living in one of the suburbs and yes, there were rabbits everywhere. As a Californian, it was just like magical to see these little bunny rabbits. They were so cute. I think that was the best spring of my life. Just in terms of enjoying the weather and all of the nature that I saw, not necessarily it had the

happiest events, but I finally understood that scene in Bambi where they talk about everything being Twitterpated. Because there were just like rabbits and birds and deer everywhere, all over the place. And they were all over everybody's front and backyards all the way through the Baltimore suburbs. Because the woods are just strung out in between everybody's homes. And so it's just home to explode overnight, along with like all of these flowers and trees. And it was really cool. That's nice. And then a gopher broke our fence, and that was less cool.

Was that the like really fat gopher? That was the really fat gopher. I really wanted to see, but I never got to, I don't think. Oh, you didn't see him? I don't think so. That's cute, though. Bastard who lived underneath the shed. Wildlife is so much fun. Yeah, well, if you grow vegetables, you'll definitely get more wildlife. We'll see if I ever bump into rabbits. I would like to see rabbits again. I see a lot of rats. Rats. They're fine. They're just rats. Rats don't really scare me or freak me out at all.

They're just small kittens. The only rats I've ever seen in Northern California was like giant sewer rats when they happen to like come out. They're just terrifying. I can't imagine. And I've only seen it like a couple times in my life. Actually, you know, I think both times they were probably dead. They were like as big as a cat. And I was horrified.

City rats and sewer rats are, they're very large and they're very aggressive isn't quite the right word. They're very unabashed, I guess. They're very upfront about their presence in your life and going through your garbage. Oh, man. So, yeah. But that was a long way of listing my New Year's resolution. That's okay. I think it was important that we talked about it.

Yeah. And I think that's great. Growing something is really cool. Yeah. That's a great resolution. Both of our sort of resolutions are nature-based. I like it. I like that your resolution is to plunge your hands into a stream. Yeah.

Just to be outside more often, really. Because when COVID first hit last year, it was like I was just depressed for a really long time and just laid on my couch all day i really didn't like get out i was just kind of sad i guess and pouty try to be more optimistic and less pouty that's good because we've got at least another six months of this so yeah that's a good point probably more but probably more best not to speculate be kind uh wear a mask this ride's not over and hang in there yeah we're all gonna be okay at least we're all miserable together yeah it's a time of great collective sadness and bread baking and sad gardening attempts you know what you can do you can you can listen to fairy tale fix and tell all your friends about us help your friends find the show yep you know what'll cheer

up your friends out of their quarantine depression this podcast yeah two silly friends telling each other wild tales which do you have a tale for me today? Speaking of which, so this is the first one that we're going to be reading out of the first edition book of the Brothers Grimm. Oh, it's so beautiful. We gave away in November to Patreon subscribers. Yeah, it is gorgeous. Follow us on Instagram and Twitter and all that.

We'll let you know when we're doing a giveaway. We're thinking we're going to do these book giveaways twice a year. So if that's something that interests you, keep an eye on our social media. This book is gorgeous. It's got some really beautiful illustrations. The pages feel like smooth and kind of thick and creamy. And the book smells great. And it's the complete first edition of The Brothers Grimm.

The first edition. Does that mean that those are the first versions of the fairy tales? Yeah. So this is the first time that it's been fully translated into English. But this is the first edition of the original fairy tale collection that they published. So that means it might be a little bit different than the, you know, Barnes and Noble version I have. Yeah, these are the ones that were published before they cleaned them up a little bit for children. These books were the stories that were mostly told during long afternoons of weaving or some other tedious household task that German women would do. And these are the stories that they would tell each other to pass the time for the most part.

That's so cool. I'm so excited to read them side by side and see how they differ. For some of them, because most of the ones in here I had never heard of before. Oh, okay. So most of these didn't actually make it to our common cultural understanding.

There's a lot of weird ones in here. So, and then there's also some that are kind of highly problematic that I will never, ever read on the podcast. If you won this book from us last November, enjoy, I guess. I don't know. I might end up reading one of them. I've read them. But when I say problematic, I mean there's some racist shit in here.

I've read them, but when I say problematic, I mean there's some racist shit in here. That's definitely in a... There's a few in A Choice of Magic that they say some things and it's like, whoa. Whoa. This is old and, yeah, problematic. If I do read it, I will be cleaning a lot of it up in a way that the Brothers Grimm probably never would have thought about. But that's a different story. Anyway, so the story that I'm telling you today is called The Iron Stove.

So give me your predictions for The Iron Stove. I already want to predict that it falls in love with a snowman. I mean, you can do that if you want to. Oh, that was such a good fairy tale. I'm still not over it. Oh, the iron stove. Yeah, it was so good. The only hint that I feel compelled to give you, it is a longer one.

So think epic. I'm going to predict that the iron stove has a king and a queen in it. I want to guess that the iron stove isn't a character, but it's an important piece of the story. I kind of want to predict that somebody's going to make a confession to the iron stove. Okay. Because I've seen that a lot in these fairy tales. That's happened in at least two Grimm's fairy tales that we've read so far. I don't think that's right, but I'm going to make the prediction anyway,

that somebody makes a confession to the iron stove. Okay. Oh, or that somebody dies in it. There's so many options and my last prediction is that somebody uses the iron stove to bake something no i don't like that i like the confession one better me too this is so this is so hard Bake something. No, I don't like that. I like the confession one better. Me too. This is so hard. Okay.

Are those your three predictions? Yeah, sure. Let's do it. I want to hear this. They're a king and a queen. There's a king and a queen in it. The iron stove is not a character in and of itself. Correct. And someone confesses something to the iron stove.

Yes. Okay. This one starts in one of my favorite ways, which is, in the days when wishing still helped. Before 2020? Before 2020, when wishing still got results of any kind an old witch cast a spell over a prince so that he had to sit in a big iron stove in the forest he spent many years there and nobody was able to rescue him. One day, a princess got lost in that forest, like you do, and couldn't find her way back to her father's kingdom. And she wandered about the

woods for nine days and finally came to the iron stove. And as she stood in front of it, she heard a voice from inside that asked, where do you come from? And where are you going? Is her name Cotton Eye Joe? Oh my God, that's why that sounded familiar where'd you come from where did you go yeah there's just a i like how there's just a big giant iron stove in the woods there's a big iron stove in the woods and a prince that a witch cursed just sitting in it no context on the witch or the curse just that well the prince got cursed no reason but don't worry about it

will we find out why she cursed him don't worry about it okay i love how the princess is just wandering through the woods like like princesses are able to get lost in the woods because they go wandering in them unattended, I guess. They do constantly. Sounds fake. I don't believe it. But okay. Aren't we all just lost in the woods? Yes.

Okay, fine. This is a metaphorical forest. And it's because she's lost to herself. But there is a literal iron stove there with a prince in it. The stove caught an eye-joser and asks her where she's going and where she came from. And she's a little taken aback to be addressed by a stove, but she says that she lost the way to her father's kingdom and she's trying to get back home. And the stove says, hey, I'll help you get home again quickly if you promise to do what I ask. My father is a greater king than yours.

And I want to marry you. And she's like, huh, I don't know what I'm going to do with a stove for a husband. But, uh, sure. I thought he just lived in the stove he's stuck inside the stove but he can't leave the stove okay this is a great curse yeah i know it's just kudos to this i don't even know if she used magic I think she just locked him inside a giant stove. She wasn't really a witch. I think it was just some lady. No, it was the witch from Hansel and Gretel.

Oh, you know, maybe she was just practicing her craft and she had really refined it by the time Hansel and Gretel got to her. Yeah, she had to get rid of this stove because she got a prince caught in it and she couldn't get him out either. Yeah, and she said she couldn't, and it was too big to really get a good fire going. So she just couldn't eat this one. We haven't even finished the first page of the story.

So I'm going to keep going. I'm so sorry. This is great. So she's thinking, dear Lord, what shall I do with an iron stove? But she really wants to go home. So she says yes. And so he gives her an escort to take her home

again. I don't know from whence the escort comes and the book does not explain. But apparently the iron stove is not unattended. The princess is, but the iron stove with the prince in it apparently has people that he can send with her to escort her home. Excellent. people that he can send with her to escort her home. Excellent. Yes. He wants her to come back with a knife and to scrape a hole in the iron of the stove to set him free. When she gets back, there's a great rejoicing. The king was really worried about her. He embraces her and kisses her, but he notices that she seems like really down about something. And she tells him that, about something and she tells him that so i was lost in the forest came across an iron stove and it helped me get home but i did have to promise that i would marry it

i think the king's not happy no in fact the text says the old king was so horrified by this that he almost fainted. Sounds about right. For she was his only daughter. And so they decide in their infinite wisdom to make the village miller's daughter do it. Again, as you do. Kind of a reverse from like, you know, the frog princess where she's playing with a golden ball and the frog gives the golden ball back to her. I have to do that one.

People think they know that fairy tale and the original is way different. It's really crazy. Oh, good. I'm excited to listen to it. I think I only know like the kids version of that story. Oh my gosh. I might have to do that one next week in that case. I love the frog prince.

At least in the kid story story the princess's father makes her keep her promise to the critter that she agreed to marry in exchange for a favor this king not so much he's like no you're not marrying stove not my daughter i don't care if you promise to marry the stove not my daughter i'm gonna make the miller give up his kid all right and so they give the miller's daughter a knife and they tell her to go into the woods and scrape away at the iron stove and she scrapes away at it for 24 hours and can't make even the slightest dent in it and at daybreak the iron stove calls out it seems to me that it's dawn outside and this girl who probably just wants to go home gets caught

immediately probably on purpose because she says yeah i think i hear the clattering of my father's mill and the iron stove says ah so you're the miller's daughter get out of here at once and tell them to send a king's daughter rude yeah and she's all like yeah absolutely no problem sorry to bother you and she goes back i didn't want to marry a stove anyway especially not a rude classist one wasn't a fan yeah exactly classist snotty snotty prince she goes home she relays the story. The king's daughter starts weeping. The king is fainting all over the place again. This king is so dramatic. The king is so dramatic. He's just, ugh, about it.

But fortunately, they have an entire village full of beautiful single girls to throw at the stove. So this time, they send the swineherd's daughter, who was even more beautiful than the miller's daughter. And the swineherd's daughter apparently said, yeah, I'll do it, but you have to pay me. I like her. I like her hustle. I like this hustle from the swineherd's daughter. I like it a lot. So they say, yes, if you do this, we will pay you. And so she goes into the forest. And she also scrapes for 24 hours at the big old iron stove, and couldn't make a single dent. And so again, at daybreak, the voice cries out that it seems to me to be dawn

outside. And she replies, I think I hear my father blowing his horn, because it's all the same to her, she got her money. and this time the stove replies so you're a swineherd's daughter get out of here at once and have them send the king's daughter tell her that bad things will happen to her the way i promised if and if she doesn't come the whole kingdom will collapse and be demolished and not one stone will be left standing that's pretty serious stuff that's pretty serious stuff it's beginning to become clear to me why the witch cursed this prince the text never does explicitly say it but i think that we can infer from how much of a

douche nozzle he seems to be that it was because he was being a giant douche nozzle yep agreed i think this switch did a great job. Honestly, I think she did the world a great service by locking this guy in a giant iron can. Anyway, so after delivering all of his threats and being a classist asshole, the king's daughter finally realizes there's nothing she can do. She has to keep her promise. So she takes leave of her father, puts a knife in her pocket, and goes to the iron stove in the forest. And when she gets there, she starts

scraping, and the iron gives way immediately. Because apparently, you know, if you're a princess... She's got magic princess powers. She's got magic princess powers, and that's just how it works. Magic! Magic! magic magic she finally manages to scrape a small hole and when she looks inside she sees a handsome prince glimmering atop golden jewels sitting in the stove so he's sitting on a tiny dragon's hoard worth of golden jewels and her heart is just swept away because now that she knows that he's a handsome human man and not a stove she's

much more into this so both of these awful classist people deserve each other yes that is absolutely what you're hearing she continues her scraping until she can make a hole large enough for him to crawl through and he says you are mine and i am yours you're my bride and have set me free and she's pretty stoked about this. And so she asks, yeah, before we go off and do prince and princess things together, I want to go say goodbye to my father. And he tells her, yeah, I guess you can do that. But you're not allowed to say more than three words to him.

And then you have to come right back. What the hell? Because he sucks. What is this guy's problem? don't know but i hate him and she goes absolutely not a problem i see i have no problem with the way you're talking to me i will do that right now what are the three words you wish she had said to her dad rescue me father or smell you later it's just so ridiculous i hate how like she's like yeah fine whatever stove is dude

dude and then she waves and then she leaves what does she actually say um she actually says a lot more than three words oh yep she's a rule breaker yeah she's a rule she's a low rule breaker i or i don't know because she sucks too so i think it's just that she's careless. It doesn't understand the rules of this fairy tale thing. And as soon as she says the fourth word, the stove vanishes immediately and was carried far away over glass mountains and sharp swords. With the prince in it? The prince is still in it, but he had been released. So he's not stuck in it anymore.

Okay. Is what it says. So she doesn't know that any of this has happened and so she says goodbye to her father and she takes some money and she goes back into the forest to look for the iron stove which is not to be found and she wanders in the woods for nine days another nine days because she'd already been wandering in the woods for nine days at the start of the story and so finally she's out of food and she's at her wits end and she thinks that she's probably just going to die out here but she happens upon a little cottage is it the witch i wish what it is

it's a tiny little cottage and when she looks through the window, she sees nothing but small fat toads who are sitting at a nicely covered table with wine and a roast and with silver plates and cups. And she summons her courage and she knocks on the door. And one of the toads replies, maiden, maiden, green and small, hop to it, hop toad, and don't you fall. Hop toad's dog, hop back and forth and quick to up and goes to the door and opens it. And then they ask the Cotton Eye Joe thing, where have you come from? Where are you going? And she tells them her story. And the oldest toad says, Maiden, maiden, green and small, hop to hop to it hop toad and don't you fall hop toad's dog hop back and forth and do it sprightly fetch me the box as quick as can be you don't really find out what's in the box until the next morning because they go and they get the

box and they have their cute little rhymey session and then they say never you mind about the box and they sit her down and feed her and then send her to bed. In the morning, they give her three needles from the box. And then they give her an additional three needles and three nuts. It just says nuts. I thought a specific kind of nut. It's not a specific kind of nut. They give her three nuts and a plow wheel. Somehow she's supposed to carry all of this. I feel like I'm just staring at you. This is very, you are. This is very strange. This took a turn. I know. I wasn't expecting at all. That's why I told you this is a long one and it's full of nonsense. I'm still at

the toads live in this cottage. Really? We're like two rhymes and a like six needles past that yeah okay and and nuts yes she got they give her needles nuts and a plow wheel and tell her that this will help her over the glass mountain and over the three sharp swords and across the lake and on to uh find her beloved okay and yeah they're helpful toads that's nice yeah super helpful thanks random toads i found in the woods who had glass mountain climbing needles she sets out and she uses the three needles she uses sorry the six needles i don't know why the toads gave her the needles separately like three of them came from the box and then three of them were just like regular needles that they just gave her. I don't know if they're significant at all. But anyway, she uses the needles to scale the glass mountain by putting like three behind her and three ahead and thus she's able to scale the glass. And then I want to see a picture of this me too there's another fairy tale called princess on a glass hill that the prince rescues her in a similar fashion where there is an illustration

so we'll have to do that fairy tale at some point then we can show off the illustration okay she scales the glass mountains and then she comes to the three sharp swords, which I guess are very large swords that cannot be otherwise gone around. And so she sits on the plow wheel and rolls across them to safety. And then she gets to a great lake. And when she crosses the lake, she asks for employment at the great palace that's on the other side of it as a kitchen wench. She's really going all out for this jerk. That's because she likes the looks of him for some reason. Anyway, so she gets herself hired as a kitchen maid.

Meanwhile, the prince already has a new boo. No, shut up. I know. He's the worst. He's the worst he's the worst yeah he is sucks he's a terrible person so he's already got he already has a new bride and the book says that this is because he thought that the other princess is dead i don't know why would he think she was dead why he would think that anyway but he thinks she's dead according to the book and so he gets at this other woman and it's at this point that

since there are now like two unnamed women i am going to give them each a name because i'm yeah i'm over this so the princess i won the princess a the one that's coming over the glass mountain and across the sharp swords and across the lake who's kind of sucks that is Eleanor and then I'm going to name uh the other one Liesel because I watched the sound of music the other day and that's I know it's not technically Germany I believe it's Austria but whatever the those are the names that i'm i'm going with for that anyway so the princess now mary is now married to liesel he's married yeah because the book says his bride at the very least they're affianced so eleanor goes to work in the kitchen and after the day's work is done the first

day that she gets there she's hungry so she takes one of the nuts out of her pocket and cracks it open to eat the seed. And instead of a seed on the inside is a beautiful royal dress. It is supremely gorgeous. It is so gorgeous, in fact, that Liesel wants it immediately. And so she goes down to the kitchen to ask if the kitchen wench will sell it to her, proclaiming that it is indeed, it's too fine for a serving girl, don't you think? And Eleanor says that- A little shade. It's a lot of shade. I don't like anyone in this story except for the king. Yeah, the dramatic king that's fainting all the time he's fainting all over the place and i love it i like the toads i wasn't expecting them to be helpful and i like the witch

anyway that's true the witch is my favorite character and she's not even in this story but she definitely knew it would dick when she saw one the serving girl eleanor replies she doesn't want to sell the dress but she will trade the dress in exchange for passing the night in the prince's bedchamber does eleanor know that liesl is married to her yes okay okay yes she absolutely knows that okay but she sucks they both suck yeah she's happy to be a homewrecker uh Liesel is not a huge fan of this but apparently this dress is that pretty that she's like you know what fine whatever go for it she tells the prince that silly kitchen maid wants to sleep in your room and what he says to her if you don't mind neither do i play uh

this prince is a player he's such a player but also in kind of like that passive way of not even having any agency in it. He's just letting everybody else sort of arrange things for him. And he's like, I mean, I guess I'll sleep with her if you're okay with it. I just hate this guy. Anyway, so Liesl gives him a glass of wine with a sleeping potion in it because oh, yeah, you'll spend the night in his room and you'll be sleeping and so when the kitchen maid gets up to the chamber to sleep he is so soundly out of it that she can't possibly wake him which makes her weep the entire night and say i rescued you from the wild forest in the iron stove i searched for you and went across a glass mountain,

three sharp swords and a great lake until I found you. And now you won't listen to me. So leave. Yeah, right. God, he sucks. Go away. Call it like bullet dodged. Yeah, bullet dodged. Yeah, no, he won't even stay awake dodge. Yeah, bullet dodge.

Yeah, no, he won't even stay awake now. Get out of here. To be fair, he was drugged. He was drugged. Drugged by his wife. That's fair. See, nobody's acting well in this story. They're all just awful.

Nobody's on their gone good behavior this is like the perfect fairy tale soap opera it really is it's it does feel like the plot of a telenovela a little bit just it's so over the top now if only the prince has a twin brother yes an evil twin brother. Sounds like he is the evil twin brother. Where's the good prince? Probably not locked in an iron stove. He's probably somewhere else, like madly happy with whoever else because he did not get cursed. So the servants outside the bedroom door hear

Eleanor weeping the entire night about now he won't even wake up for her after she did all the stuff for him. And they tell their master about it the next day. But he has no follow up questions because then the story just moves on. So when Eleanor finally, you know, she, you know, she woke up the next morning, she did all the the day's tasks and she bites open the second nut and another dress, even more beautiful than the first one comes out. And Liesel wants to buy that one too. But all Eleanor wants in exchange is to once again,

pass the night in the Prince's bedchamber. So basically it all repeats again. Prince takes sleeping drugs. He falls asleep. Eleanor gets up to the room, weeps over his body, and begs him to wake up. But he won't because he's drugged. And the servants once again hear all of this going on. And so they tell the prince about it again the next morning.

And this time, he thinks it's interesting for some reason. I guess he wasn't listening the first morning but this morning he doesn't sound like the type that would listen to servants I think he finally was like wait what I heard my name you said my name I wasn't listening I am you were talking about this woman last time and I just had no interest at all. But you said I was handsome. And so this time he's wise to it because he actually listened to his servants. So when Eleanor bites open the third nut and a third yet more gorgeous gown comes out of it that again, Liesel wants to buy. Eleanor trades it for another night in the prince's room. But this time, the prince does not drink the sleeping potion. And so when she goes up to his room, she's already lamenting as she opens the door, according to the book.

He jumps up out of bed and says, you are the true bride. You are mine and I am yours. And that very night, he gets into a carriage and they steal all of Liesel's dresses that she traded for letting Eleanor spend the night with her husband. She traded those fair and square. Fair and square. A deal's a deal. So now she doesn't have a husband or dresses? Yes, exactly. These people suck.

They're trash. They're all such trash. they're all such trash they're all such trash so they steal away in the middle of the night and when they come to the great lake they sail across it when they come to the three sharp swords they sat down upon the plow wheel and when they come to the glass mountain they scale it using the needles and at last they arrive at the old cottage. But when they enter, it becomes a large castle. Hooray! Hooray! And the toads were released from a magic spell and turned out to be princes and princesses too.

And they were all very happy. And then they had a wedding and the prince and princess remained in the castle, which was larger than the castle that the princess had originally lived in. And then finally, as the last bit, our favorite character, the king, pitched such a huge fit about being left alone in his apparently smaller castle that they traveled to him and brought him back to their castle and now they had two kingdoms and they lived a happily married life the end well at least the king had a happy ending too yes i'm really i'm most happy for him wow that was terrible thank you for telling me that terrible story. You're welcome. I had never ever heard that story before. Amazing. That was so good. I know. They're all so terrible.

They're all awful. They deserve each other. At least in most fairy tales, you are given some reason to like the protagonist. Yeah. Not in this one. I guess she's brave and persistent, I suppose, would be. She did track him down. But no one else behaves well this entire story. story. So my fix for it is that the witch had put a stronger

curse on that stove and that he would remain there to this day. Yep. The end. The end. That like the story was one of those one paragraph long stories where like once upon a time a princess came upon an old stove

that spoke to her in a snotty manner and she was like, fuck you, stove. And then she asked one of the guards standing next to the stoves. Apparently the stove was well attended. Hi, can you point me the way out of the woods? And that guard, not being a douche nozzle, and also since the prince can't see him, would point in the right direction. And off she would go back to her father's castle where they would leave the poor miller's daughter and the poor swineherd's daughter unbolested at least the swineherd's

daughter got some money she did get some money that's true go swineherd's daughter yeah like making that dough and then bouncing it's getting out of here that's my fix for this story i like that fix very much thank you i also want to know why the witch cursed him outside of just general extrapolation from the fact that he seems like a jerk yeah he seems like and also the fact that he would just marry a woman and then leave her because his ex came along yes i mean it sounds like they're both well i mean she was awful too because she was drugging her husband yeah like she was drugging him and she was also trading nights with him for um pretty clothes pimping out her husband for pretty dresses i guess if both of you are into that,

there are worse reasons. And then, yeah, she didn't even get the clothes in the end because her husband runs off with his ex and takes her pretty clothes that she got fair and square. So the moral of that is... What's the moral of that story, kids? The moral of the story is the straights are not okay. Perfect. Oh, my gosh. That's the moral of that story kids the moral of the story is the straights are not okay perfect oh my gosh that's the moral

i still love the dramatic king though me too i love him so much i'm happy that at least he got his happy ending he did he got a bigger castle and his daughter back yes because parents love their children for some reason even when they suck yeah so he seems like a good dad so how many points did i get well there was a king but no queen i think that there is an argument to be made that the iron stove itself was not a character the character of the prince was trapped in the iron stove yeah i think you get that point one and a half points for kelsey yeah one and a half i don't know if we're doing half points probably not we're not doing half points fine i think we're tied by the way if you go to fairytalefixpod.com, you can see our scoreboard on the website. Although I think it desperately needs to be updated.

I'm very excited about this story because it is from this book. It's new. It's called Tales of East Africa, Folktales from kenya uganda and tanzania i love the cover yeah it's a gorgeous book um and it'll be in our show notes if you want to purchase this book it's really freaking gorgeous and the so far the stories are really fun so i'm excited this one is called the story of the lost sister and it is told by the old woman nagutu and it's from kenya it's cool because they give you the sources of these folktales like they tell you the original people that told them even if it doesn't really like make total sense to us a traditional tale

that people from kenya would understand okay and so it's told by the N'Gutu people or by? By the old woman N'Gutu. I think that's her name. Okay. So there's an old woman named N'Gutu and she tells this story. Yeah. So they had the name of like the informants for each story. I love that.

Okay. Yeah. That seems really cool. The very beginning, not of the story, but of the book has a really pretty quote that says if this story is good the goodness belongs to all if it is bad the badness only belongs to him who told it from george w bateman or hamdani i'm probably going to pronounce these names totally wrong and i definitely want you to tell me i tried looking up how to pronounce these names and it didn't, I couldn't find anything. So let me know.

Okay. All right. That's exciting. Oh yeah. And it's called the story of the lost sister. So give me your predictions. I know exactly one Kenyan folk tale so far. So I'm going to say that there is going to be a trickster animal involved.

The sister got lost. It's fun watching you struggle. Yeah. Revenge. I feel like a butterfly pinned to the thing that you pin bugs to that I forget. Under the gaze of Kelsey's enjoyment. Magnifying glass. I'm like.

Magnifying glass. Okay. There's a trickster animal involved. The sister in question got lost because she ran into the forest after getting into a fight with her other sister because that is what would make me get lost okay and my third prediction one of the animals that she encounters in the forest is a king in disguise that's a very specific prediction but i that's from one of the other african folktales that i know but i like it there actually is a whole section of

this book called tricksters yeah yeah yeah but probably not the one that this comes from so now i'm regretting my okay tell me tell me about the lost sister and why she got lost and what happened to her and whether or not she marries a handsome King who is also a snake. Will do. And also, like I said, these names, I'm probably going to pronounce them wrong.

So please forgive me. And then let me know how to actually pronounce them. Once upon a time, there was a brother and a sister who lived together. Their mother had died and left behind many goats. And the brother looked after the goats during the day. Once upon a time, there was a brother and a sister who lived together. Their mother had died and left behind many goats, and the brother looked after the goats during the day, but in the evening, he left home to visit his many friends, and he was very beautiful. The sister was named Washura, and her brother, Wamwea. One day, when the brother returned, Washura told him that two men had came by the other day

and said that if you go away and leave me, they will carry me off. And her brother said, you talk nonsense. No, she's not. Oh, no. And Washura replies, I am speaking the truth. But when they take me, I will bear with me a gourd full of sap, which is like fat.

And along the path, I will let it drop so you can follow my trail. full of sap, which is like fat. And along the path, I will let it drop so you can follow my trail. Well, what do you know? When Wamwe brings the goats home that night, Washra makes him a great feast. Uh-huh. And he still leaves to hang out with his buddies.

Oh, my gosh. Okay, he's a terrible brother. I should have amended my prediction to say that her sibling does something terrible to her. That's how she gets lost. But go on. Right. Brothers and sisters. That sounds right.

But I also like that the book describes him as he was very beautiful. And so that's probably why he has a lot of equally beautiful friends. And so he and his like hot friends just wander around at nighttime. So the next morning he comes home to find the homestead empty and lo and behold his sister was telling the truth yeah but you feel pretty bad right about now while we're believe women believe women so his brothers see the brothers see the track where drop by drop his sister let the sap fall and i love that she knew her brother well enough that she told him her plan to like find her. She's like, I'm gonna do this because you're gonna go off.

I know that you're not gonna listen to me. So this is the plan B. Yep. Okay, so at least she's smart. Yes, she's very smart. So he's the beauty and she's the brains in this family relationship. Seems like it.

So the brother follows the trail through the hills and he hears the sister's cries across like the opposite hill. Follow after where you see the trail. And the following day, the sap begins to take root and spring up into little plants. But the brother still didn't see his sister. After traveling for a while, Wamwea returns home to tend to the herd. So I guess he like has to go back and make sure the goats are fed and everything.

Yeah, probably. So he takes them out to feed them, but he sees that no one has prepared food for him when he returns that night. Oh, poor Wamwea. Oh no, your sister's not there to see you. Oh, I guess maybe you should have listened to her when she said that she was afraid that men were going to carry her off. Yeah, really. So if he prepares the food, there is no one to care for

the herd. So he slew a goat and ate it. And when he was finished, he slew yet another and so on and so on each night until the goats were gone. Sorry, I'm sorry. Okay. So I understand goats mean a lot in herding communities. You do have to go home and tend the goats. I totally get that. Like that that is your survival pattern. You know, so I get it. You had to call up the search to go home and care for the herd. But instead of going back out and continuing to look for your kidnapped sister, you just start killing your goats. Yeah. Is this the episode of Men Who Suck? I think it is. Oh my gosh, can that be the title of this episode? Yes. Dustin, that's the episode title. The episode of men who suck.

This part really confused me a little bit because they're talking about how he's killing all the goats until they're gone. And then he starts killing off the oxen one by one to eat. And that lasts him for months and years for the flock was large. Although they didn't mention the oxen before. And he eats them one by one at last until they're all gone. And then he thought of his sister. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It lasts him years. And so instead of learning to cook, he just keeps killing them off and eating them. He's too busy partying it up with his hot friends at night to learn to cook, I guess. Okay.

So after months and years, he finally remembered his sister. Continue. And I also wrote down, really dude really now now you're thinking about your sister well i killed off all the oxen what am i gonna do now i guess i'm gonna starve to death so by then the plants that had sprung from the sap grew into into tall trees which marked the way his sister had gone so the brother finally makes the long journey for one month and a half.

And at the end of the trail, he comes to a stream. I mean, she's dead now. This poor woman. By the stream, there are two children getting water. And Wamwea asks the youngest, give me some water. Well, he doesn't ask him. He just says, give me some water in your gourd. But the child refuses.

Is he related to Fanny? I hope so. Give me some water in your gourd. But the child refuses. And the elder child says, give the stranger a drink. For our mother said, if you ever see a stranger coming by the way of the trees, he is my brother. Yeah. Okay.

Well, I can definitely see where this is going. So this is like years later. It's been years. Like not just one year. She's got kids that can talk. And can like go fetch water by themselves. Oh, nice of you to make an appearance. I'm fine, by the way.

She's moved on. She's got things going on. Okay, tell me what the things that she's got going on. So her kids and her brother go up to the homestead where Washura comes out. And he knew her at once, but she did not know him, for he was not dressed as before with oshra and fat. And I think it's ochre. Ochre.

Is how you say it. He was like painted with ochre and fat. Yes, that must be it. So she doesn't recognize him. Plus it's been literal years. She has two kids now. Oh, I forgot all about you because you were worthless to me. I told you somebody was going to kidnap me and you did not listen.

So he came into her hut and she gave him food, but not in a good vessel, but in a pot's herd. And he slept in the hut, but on the floor, not on the bed. So the next day, Wamwea went out with the children to drive away the birds from the crops. And he threw a stone and would say, fly away, little bird, as Washara flew away and never came back anymore. And another bird would come and the brother would throw another stone and say the same words again. And this happened the next day and the next for a whole month. Wait, what would he say? He would say, fly away, little bird, as Washura flew away and never came back anymore.

So now he's blaming Washura for not coming home and... Oh, just wait. Like, helping him get his shit together. Oh, just wait. It gets better. Oh, my God. Okay, keep going. So the kids and some strangers notice this and they're, you know, wondering, why does

he say the name Washura? The children went to tell their mother and she came out and waited among the grass and listened to his words and said surely this is my brother she went back to the house and sent for a young man to fetch one way to come for her but when the young man did her brother refused i have dwelt in the abode of my sister and she has given me no cup for my food but a pot's herd what is a pot's herd so i just googled it we're learning together guys a broken piece of ceramic material especially one found on an archaeological site oh so she essentially gave him like some garbage to eat off okay so she gets so she gives him a broken plate and makes him sleep on the floor i

love it it's what he deserves. Right? Okay. So he didn't bother listening to her in the first place. And now he's all mad that she didn't recognize him. He's so salty. But Washura doesn't recognize him, which makes me like, is this how you treat strangers? I mean, she let him into her house and fed him.

That's true. That's true. She let him sleep there. She is giving him a lot of charity. Yeah, and she has kids. She's a nice lady. And she has a husband that kidnapped her. Does she? That's probably, I think it's the implication.

I think that's a cultural thing though, so. Yeah. I also want to be sensitive to this story because it's definitely from a culture that is not um mine there are a lot of cultures that was definitely part of their culture at some point like there's but they still have symbolic kidnappings of the bride during weddings today yeah which i think is really funny anyway keep going washara then asks the young man to take 10 goats to bid her brother to come to her but her brother still refused so washara said take 10 oxen and give him to my So Washura said, So Washura sent 10 cows and again 10 cows and still her brother refused.

So salty. Also, she's rich. She has so many cows. Right? Washura tells her husband how she found her brother and how he would not be reconciled to her. Her husband is then like, send him more beasts to appease him. Like, her husband's all for it. So I actually don't hate him very much. He's like, yeah, just send him as many beasts as he needs.

We've got plenty because we're loaded. Yeah, apparently. So after Wamoya had finally received 40 cows along with the goats and oxen that he'd already received, he finally relented and came to the house of his sister. His sister killed a goat, took the fat and dressed him, put the fat on his shoulders and said, I did not know you for you were not adorned as before. So after her brother had been reconciled to his sister, he decided that eight wives should be given to him.

So the husband of Washura... Did he? He decided eight wives should just be given to him, did he? Yep, that's what he decided. So the husband of Washura bought eight girls, some for 30 goats and some for 40. Other relations all came and built eight huts for the wives near

Washura. So the brother and his wives dwelt near the homestead of his sister. The end. Are you fucking kidding me? I thought it was so good. I love that story. I thought Wamwea sucks, but... Yeah.

I don't like Wamwea. So I'm pretty sure the moral of this story is that anybody can be bought at the right price. I'll take 40 oxen, cowsen cows and goats and plus eight women then i will speak to you again like our husband's just like yep it's done absolutely if he needs 10 more cows they're bros now send them over i like that they are reunited and end up living near each other i think that's really sweet. I think, yeah, that is definitely cute. But he was so helpless without her.

Uh-huh. So was the beginning of the story more of like a, hey, brother? Maybe it wasn't so much that she was afraid. It was just like, hey, little hey bro, I'm getting married tomorrow, which means I'm going to leave. Yeah. Come with me so you don't starve to death. You're helpless without me, but I know you're not going to be here. So I will leave you a trail so that when eventually you figure it out, you can find me. And she was smart enough to tell him about the trail and tell him, like, and use sap, the fact that it, like, grew into trees.

She's so smart yeah an eternal trail trail for her helpless brother to follow and teach your kids yeah if some guy comes this way it's my bro it's my brother give him give him some water and bring him up bring him here you know what to be fair from what i know about womoya I think he needs eight wives to take care of him he's exactly that he needs eight women working in tandem to keep him alive I do I love that story that story was so good and so full of twists and turns I know I was really excited when I was reading it I was was like, what's going to happen? Oh, my goodness. I really enjoyed that. I was not expecting the ending, but I do like it.

Like, I really, I like the ending. I like that, that as usual, his sister is just kind of, is just like, okay, I'll give you 10 more goats. Will you talk to me now? Uh-huh. I love her. That was, oh boy, wow. Okay, that story. So my fix.

Yes, what is your fix? Outside of Wamwea learning to cook for himself. Yeah, I think really that Wamwea had so many friends. Maybe he could have gotten someone to watch after his herd while he went to go find his sister. Or maybe his friends could have helped look. And then maybe he could have brought her back and she could have married a friend that watched over the herd or like. Yeah. But I don't know.

I enjoyed it as is. It was pretty funny. It was still adorable and hilarious as is. But yeah, but it's if you've got so many friends. Why can't one of them watch the herd while you go and like rescue your sister? I like your fix. Why don't you like learn to cook? Learn to cook. Also, if he was traveling for a month and a half to find her, was he just not eating during that time?

Maybe he made a bunch of jerky in the intervening like seven years yeah i mean she had two kids she had two kids that were like walking and talking and fetching water from the stream and rolling their eyes that their weird dirty uncle would finally come by weird uncle i love that story that was great thank you thank you for telling me that story. That was great. Thank you. Thank you for telling me that story. I'm excited to read more from this.

Yeah, that was not from the tricksters section of this book. That was from Lost and Found. I got nothing. I got no points. Nope. You were close with the sibling. I was. I was. I was just a wrong type of sibling and i guess i

didn't really get in a fight yeah not really a fight but it doesn't seem like washura gets in fights she seems extremely practical and easygoing i bet wamwaya gets in a bunch of fights with all of his hot friends. I love that they talk about how beautiful he is at the beginning. He's really, really beautiful. So hopefully that means that the eight women that he married at the end weren't mad. Yeah. I'm sure they're all very happy.

He's pretty hot. He's pretty hot. And we each got our own hut. So good. So good good that was great i hope everyone has a really happy new year yeah yep happy new year as we said at the beginning of the episode hang in there 2021 is our year it's gonna be it's gonna it's for real this time people for reals it's gonna be our year thank you once again so much for listening to Fairytale Fix. If you enjoy our show, please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple or Stitcher. It's a big part of how we get out there and help other people to find us.

If you want to support us, you can get extra episodes, merch, books, and other bonus content by signing up at fairytalefix.cash for about what you pay for a latte a month. You can find us on Twitter and Instagram at fairytalefixpod. And please email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, other things like that at info at fairytalefixpod.com. So Eleanor, after the prince kept sassing her over and over, decided, you know what? Never mind. And decided to turn around and leave him anyway, because what can a stove even really do to destroy a kingdom? And Wamwea asked one of his many hot friends to watch after his herd while he went to find and save his sister much, much sooner than years later. He brings Washura back and she marries the friend that watched over the herd. And they lived happily ever after.