Fairy Tale Fix - 93: Pretty = Good

Episode Date: September 17, 2024

New episode, same fairy tale nonsense about physical, traditional beauty being the most important thing about a femme presenting person. NOT ON ABBIE AND KELSEY’S WATCH! Hear how they fix the Eswatini legend of Nya-Nya Bulembu and the Portuguese tale of The Ugly Princess in this episode, and remember: your looks are the least interesting thing about you.

Hello, and welcome to Fairy Tale. Thanks. I forgot. Are we just starting to talk? Are we introducing the show? We're just starting now. Yeah, we're actually not really bothering with an intro anymore until later, but we could do it now.

I mean, oh my gosh. Okay. So how are you? Should I just start telling you about my week or do you want me to... Just tell me about your week. Tell me everything about you. Tell me what you saw, what you heard, what you ate, what you thought. So I've noticed I feel like I've been giving myself...

I've inadvertently been giving myself emotional whiplash and I didn't realize it. And I feel like that's part of the reason I've been so burnt out. Oh, okay. Say more. But, so I decided to, I noticed because I decided to listen to an audiobook on Spotify, which guess what? If you have Spotify Premium, you do get access to audiobooks, but you only get 10 hours. Which no audiobook is only 10 hours.

Fuck, and they don't tell you that straight up. They're just like, oh, this book is included in premium, which I love Spotify. I love the business model. It's helped me find so many great musical, like new music. But I got really excited when they started adding audiobooks on, but 10 hours for every 30 days is completely ridiculous.

Like you cannot finish a book in 10 hours. No. Like, almost- Maybe if you're listening at double speed, but who does that? Yeah, that'd be really hard. For a book, anyway. I usually do listen at like, I usually do like 1.2 or 3 speed, I think. Oh, OK. But still, most books are far over 10 hours.

Anyway, so I started listening to the Diary of Anne Frank and I was listening to- That's an intense choice. Wow. Okay. I hadn't read it in a really long time and I was really interested. I was like, you know, and it's on audiobook. That's so interesting. So I decided to give it a try. And the woman who's reading her voice or reading the book

is really cute. She's got gives it like a little transatlantic, like old timey kind of accent, which I thought was an interesting choice. Yeah. And then so I got interested and started listening to like podcasts about it. But then, as you know, I started watching the goofiest, silliest show I possibly could have, Girls 5 Ever. Yeah. I have been waiting for you to tell me more about Girls 5 Ever and why you were so obsessed with it. I have been telling you all week that you need to watch it. It's so damn funny. And then I started watching Mastermind on, I think that one's on Netflix and it's about, I think your name's Anne Burgess.

Okay. It's probably Burgess, but she was one of the OG serial killer profilers, like psychological profilers. Anyway. Oh, fun. Okay. I've just been like, and I noticed I keep flip-flopping back and forth between like the darkest thing I can think of and the silliest thing I can think of. So anyway, I recommend all of those things, but maybe, I guess it's good to flip-flop, but I don't know, I feel like I have emotional whiplash and I've been very tired this week. Yeah, I mean, everybody's different with how they like to do things. Personally, I like to have balance if I'm engaging with something that is super dark and then also especially if I'm engaging with something that's super dark that actually happened.

I think it's good to balance it out with something else so that you're not just really admiring yourself and the worst things that have happened to people. I don't know, your mileage may vary. Maybe you are tuckering yourself out by really stretching your full emotional range. It feels like it. I don't know. I was just like, wow. I noticed the other day when I was watching Girls by Beva and I was like, wow, this is

just really, there's a lot happening in my brain right now. And I feel like maybe I'm, what's the word, dissociating a little bit? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would make sense. Especially since your work is also so involved and really intense and super busy. And then as in your free time, you were consuming something that you're just consuming very, very heavy topics. Yeah. But anyway, I highly recommend Girls 5 Eva. Uh-huh.

Okay. I feel like you would really like it. It's pretty funny. It's really, really silly. What's the premise? Give me the... It's about this pop group, this girl pop group, Girls 5 Eva, that was popular and had a one-hit wonder in the late 90s, early 2000s.

They're all in their 40s now and they all get the band back together, essentially. Yes. Okay. It has Sara Bareilles, Busy Phillips, and a couple other people that I don't know their names so I have that top in my head. I'm sold. That already sounds amazing. It's really funny.

I feel like you'd love it. I'm into it. I will check it out once Interview with the Vampire Season 2 releases its toxic chokehold on me. Ooh. Ooh. I haven't even started that. And I'm not sure why. You should watch it. That's the...

I think you described it as bloodier and gayer than True Blood. Yes. Yep. Like it's way more gruesome. It's way gayer. The feelings are feelings-ing. I'm on it. I gotta watch it. Yes. Yep. It's way more gruesome. It's way gayer. The feelings are feelings-ing. I'm on it.

I got to watch it. I love it. I'm in the vampire. Like the movie? Yes. Yeah. Like the general story. Yeah.

Well, and this is also like, it's a really fun take on it in the sense that the movie or the book still happened. Because the entire point of the frame story is that Louis the vampire is being interviewed by a human reporter in 2024 or 2023 or whenever, meets up with Louis again, like 40 years after they had their initial interview. And then Louis tells him the story again, and there are a lot of changes. There were a lot of discrepancies.

He's a very unreliable narrator, so he did not tell the reporter the real story. Now, he's telling him the real story. I see that Louis getting a lot of facts wrong. Yeah, just because he's a mess. Yeah, fair enough. He's a fucking mess. I really like how the show explores unreliable narrators. You just kind of see pretty, like you see the same plot beats, but played out in a very different way.

Yeah. It's great. Highly recommend. Um, do we want to get into our stories? Yeah, are you going to tell me a tale? I'm going to tell you a tale. Hell yeah. Do it. I'm ready to tell you a tale. Hell yeah, do it. I'm ready. I'm so ready.

That way, you just get to kick back, let me tell you a story, and then I get to do the same. And we don't have to think anymore. No more coming up with conversation topics. That is OK. I also just, as ever, I just mostly, I just like hanging out with you. I don't care if it's interesting to anybody but me. There you go. I know. Sometimes I get way too in my head about it. We've had some banger

episodes recently and I think I've been thinking about how I'm like, dang, I hope we can keep up the fire. Keep up those fire intros. Right? Oh my gosh. Anyway. But people come for the stories. I read the story weeks ago and so now I'm trying to refresh myself with the background,

like on the background info. I know sometimes you're too prepared. Yeah. And then you're like, wait, what was it even about? And how much do I actually care about relaying all of this information? I love it when I get a story and a history lesson. I always think that's good. Oh, good.

Okay. In fact, sometimes I will read, oh, here's the quick little history lesson. I didn't know this because I didn't really like look up too much backstory, but the Rose Elf has a whole ass opera. Excuse me? Yeah, the Rose Elf, somebody, they made an opera based on the Rose Elf, which I love. Oh shit, okay. Isn't that cool?

That's crazy cool. I love it. That's exciting. I know. Every now and then I get information about a story we did a while back and I wish I could like insert it in because it's so cool. But now we're several episodes down the line and the Rose Elf is so far away. It's so far away. We have so many episodes in between then, but it's fine.

It's too late, but you can tell people about... We can always do addendums. Yeah. Like five episodes later. Oh, hey, remember? It's too late, but you can tell people about, you can, we can always do addendums. Yeah, like five episodes later. Oh, hey, remember. Totally. Oh, but remember the Rose Elf? There's a whole ass opera. That's so cool. That is really cool.

And like, honestly, that story is perfect for an opera because it is so fucking like dramatic and there's death. Yeah. There's forbidden love and death. I wanna know how they portray the Rose elf because the Rose elf is so tiny. I hope they don't like cut the Rose elf out. I mean, I don't know how they could.

It's such an important. Yeah. I'm wondering about the Rose elf. Right. It's called the Rose elf. Mm-hmm. Anyway. Well, maybe like, I'm just wondering, yeah, what kind of stage tricks. Yeah, I bet it's cool.

They would use to do that. OK, all right. All right, I'm ready. I'm ready. Are you ready? I'm so ready. What are you telling me? OK, so I am going to read to you today, once again,

from Monsterous Tales, Stories of Strange Creatures and Fearsome Beasts from Around the World. Such a good book. Make sure to check out our show notes or DM us if you wanna link. It's gorgeously illustrated and has the best tales in it. The pictures are so beautiful. The story I'm reading you today is the one

that I was going to tell you for the Man Whale episode. But I don't know, it just didn't feel like quite the vibe. But it's the vibe today because I think it's a really cool story. So the story is called Nyanya Bulembu or the Moss Green Princess. And this is a tale from the Swazi or Swati people from Eswatini in South Africa. Okay. Will you say that first name again? Nyanya. Nyanya Bulembu.

So N-Y-A dash N-Y-A space B-U-L-E-M-B-U. Or the moss green princess. I'm thankful for that. I feel like that gives me more information to make my hands. It does. Also, one final hint. It is from the section of the book. It's from the same section as the man whale over water, underwater. Oh, okay. Over water, underwater. I got hints. I don't know if that's going to help me, but. I don't think it will. But go for it. You get the city.

The Moss Green Princess. I predict that the Moss Green Princess saves someone. I predict that… Maybe I should predict that she kills someone. That sounds spooky. No, I'm going to keep it. She saves someone and there's a time warp. A time warp? Yeah. Like, you know how in some of the stories, they'll go to like another world and they

come back and it's like 100 years later. Okay. All right. Yeah. So like a time jump of some kind like time is played with. Yeah. Okay. Okay. It's a stretch, but I, like time is played with. Yeah. Okay. It's a stretch, but I feel like that'd be cool.

And I predict, hold on. The moss green princess. You said it was spooky. Somebody dies. Wait, yeah. Cool. Can I make an addendum to my first prediction and say the princess tries to save someone? Sure. Okay. I don't think it's going to happen, but I'm excited. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. So background a little bit just because I thought that this was really interesting.

We're gonna get into a little geography corner. With who? So this story is from, I don't know if this is Africa's smallest country or not, but it is certainly a contender depending. This is a story that comes from the sovereign kingdom of Eswatini, which is inhabited by a group of people who are like the larger group is like the Bantu,

but this particular subgroup is the Swazi people. Eswatini is basically inside South Africa, except it shares one border with Mozambique. It's down on pretty much the southern tip of Africa, and it's up in the northeast corner of South Africa. It's just just this tiny, this tiny little, tiny little kingdom up there. So yeah, it's two borders are, it's completely landlocked. Its two borders are Mozambique and South Africa. And this is one of their stories. I guess it wasn't very long. Wasn't a very long intro. I just thought that, I just didn't know that Espetini was a place. So now we all know. Yep. So there was once a little princess named Kittala, the prettiest and nicest child you could possibly find. She was her mother's one delight and her father

was a very great king indeed. But for all that, many little girls were far happier than she, for her father hated her mother and did everything he could to show how much he despised her and her child." Oh, geez. Yeah. It's a little dark. Yeah. Probably a little relatable too for some people. Yep. Probably pretty, probably a little relatable. So he did not allow Kittela so much as one necklace of beads and her little cloak was shabby and poor. He had another daughter,

Mappindane, whose mother was his favorite queen. He loved her dearly and delighted in her beauty and pretty ways for she was also a charming child. But so much did he dislike Kittela that he was quite annoyed to see that she was pretty and also likely to be admired. Weird. Yeah, super weird. Weird adults being jealous of kids. Yeah, you're being... It's not a good look. These are not creating good feelings. At last, he decided to humiliate her and her mother forever by dressing her in the skin of the Nyanya-Bulembu so that everyone might be frightened of her and no prince would ever love her.

So the Nyanya-Bulembu is a strange beast who lives in the water. He has long teeth and claws and his skin is covered with bright green moss. No one has anything to do with him who could help it and his very name means the despised one covered with moss. I love it. Yeah, I love it. Sounds awesome. The king thus hoped that his little girl would be taken for the monster himself and would be hated by all as much as he himself disliked her. You will see, however, that he would have done much better to be kind to

his little daughter, for the Nyanya Bulambu is a fairy beast and it is not wise to meddle with him." A fairy beast. Cool. I know. I love this story. I think the story is so fun. One day, the king called his chief counselors and his people together and told them of his intentions. The little princess Kidala, he said, is to be dressed in the skin of the Nyanyabulembu. Fetch me an animal which is young, with regular teeth, long claws, and a perfect skin well covered with green moss.

So the king also gave orders for plenty of green mealy bread to be made with which to entice the animal out of the water. And a party of hunters then went out together and came down to the river. They followed its course till they came to a deep pool where the water was quite black. And the huntsman stood round in a ring and sang the song of the Nyanya-Bulambu. Nyanya-Bulambu, Nyanya-Bulmbu, come out of the water and eat me. The king has sent for the great Nyonya-Bulembu, come and let us see you, laugh and show us your teeth." And out came a huge old monster with only two or three teeth left and no moss on

his skin at all. Aw, he's old. He's old. He's like, yeah, okay. No, said the huntsman at once, we don't want you. I know it sounds rude, even though their plan is to catch one of these animals and skin it. It's actually great for this old man, Nyanyah Bulimbu. That's true. That they leave him alone. They journeyed on again in a great storm of wind and rain. When it had passed away and the sun shone once more, they found themselves at a second big pool, which was blue as the sky. And here they stopped and sang the song of the bulimbu once more. And out came a vicious looking creature, but with

little moss on his coat and only one tooth that was three feet long. Wow. It's like a sword. Yeah. It's a big tooth. It's a big tooth. I want to see Robin Jacques illustrate these monsters. Yes, I would love to see the Robin Jacques interpretation interpretation of what the Nyanya Balambu looks like. Like please and thank you.

I absolutely need that. You'd probably absolutely do it dirty the same way you do it. His goofy monsters. I love it. Yeah. Well, I mean, he was illustrating for children. I think he was trying to make them look silly and kind of sweet. Yeah, and not scary, but I kind of love that.

Me too. It's precious. No shade on Robin Shock. Yes. Yeah. Some shade for how he does dragon stories. I was just going to say, I was like, oh, maybe just a little. Maybe a little bit because you could make them look cool without making them look scary, but whatever. Yeah. I digress. Okay. So the huntsmen don't want that one either and they travel on again until they come into a third pool which was bright green and round it grew the most beautiful fringe of green moss and the water itself was vivid green like the grass and spring. Once more, the huntsman sang the magic song and out came a nice green bulimbu, beautifully covered with moss and showing all his long white teeth. They set

the big pieces of mealy bread out for him and he came out to eat and they caught him alive. And then they traveled like the wind to the king's crawl. Crawl is just the word for a village. They traveled like the wind to the king's crawl and as they drew near home, they sang, have all your asagais ready, the nyanya bulimbu is coming. Asagai is like a long spear type weapon. Aw, poor guy. He seems like it's easy enough to catch him. I know. All they really had to do was offer him some food and he just crawled right out onto the grass. Seems kind of silly. Okay. So all the men on the crawl seized their assigais and hurried to the gate by which

the bulimbu must enter. They stood in line in front of the entrance, and as the green monster rushed upon them, he fell on their spears and died. Then they took the body to the hut of the despised queen and began to prepare the skin for use. First, they cut the body open, and to their great surprise, out came the most lovely beadwork. There were necklaces, bracelets, and girdles of every color and pattern, the most lovely little embroidered bags, and the most beautifully woven mats. He was eating little princesses. I guess so. And just like storing all of their jewelry inside. And just like storing all of their jewelry inside. Nothing that a king's daughter could want was missing and everything was of the finest

workmanship. It seemed as if the supply would never come to an end for the more beads they pulled out, the more appeared till there were enough to last the princess her whole life long. Wow. I know. Special. Mm-hmm. But the moment they began to remove the skin, no more appeared. They stripped the bulimbu most carefully, preserving the nails and all the teeth, and when the skin was quite complete, they wrapped the little princess in it. And the instant it touched her, it fitted as if it was a part of her. Indeed, she could

not get it off again, for it was the skin of a fairy beast, as the old king knew well. You could no longer see that she was a little girl at all. She looked just like a hideous green monster. Oh. Aww. Aww. But also, ooh. Yeah, I know. Kind of cool. Kitala and her mother cried most bitterly at this undeserved disgrace, but the chief

counselor could only say, it's the king's order. It's your bastard father, husband. Yeah. Your dad sucks. What do you want me to say? Fairytale dads. Fairytale dad. Yeah, it's just a prime example.

That's what I should have predicted. Classic fairy-tale dad. You should have predicted classic fairy-tale dad. The two little princesses were never allowed to play with the other children. They sat by themselves every day in the middle of the huts near the cattle crawl. The one in her green skin with the long white teeth and the other in the prettiest beads imaginable and a lovely little cloak of leopard skin. Good for you.

Yeah. The finest the king could procure. This is the part that's kind of sad though. The two little girls were great friends and as they played and ate their food, hundreds of little birds came every day and picked up the fragments. Oh. So they're also like, these are just, it's Disney princess vibes. Absolutely. The animals just come to them.

I love that they're friends. They don't care about their dad's weird beef. Exactly. Exactly. So that's one of the reasons I like the story is that their dad's weird behavior is not passed on to the children. Yeah. Usually the fairy tale sister that the parent likes is super mean. Right. Yeah, exactly. And they get all the fine clothes, they get all the nice jewelry, they get all the good food. Then they're super mean to their less favorite sibling, but Mappendane and Kiddala are besties. Besties. Oh, so cute. I love it. I love that for them. That's girlhood. It is girlhood. You're girls, girls.

You don't see that very often. Yes. They're both there. You don't, which I really like. Except for mermaids. Which you did say this was kind of a, well, under water over water. Yeah. So it's a little bit of a mermaid story in a sense. Mermonster story. Yeah. Mermonster, water-monster girl. I'm literally imagining the Robin Jacques sea dragon with the big bubbly eyeballs and like... Yeah, the one from the three mermaids.

Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. A sea serpent. Yeah. I'm kind of picturing more of like an alligator. Oh, yeah. Type thing, like something a little more like lizardy, I suppose, but with like moss fur. I love that.

I don't know, but like with big snapping jaws. Definitely. So many years passed by and the girls grew into womanhood. Mopindane was now very lovely and was a joy to behold as she sat in the sun, but poor Kittala was still clothed in her hideous green skin and looked the same as ever. The feast of the first fruits was now at hand. The king's wise men had been absent a month traveling to the coast to fetch water from the great sea, for no other may be used for the potion which cleanses the land from all evil." If you do this every year, how come you haven't cleansed your terrible king yet who sucks and takes out not liking one of his wives on the children.

I know. That's so weird. It's weird behavior. Asshole behavior, evil behavior, sprinkle some seawater on him. Dump a whole bucket just to be safe. Just to be safe. Cleanse the rot. They set their calabashes in the sand at low tide, and when they are filled by the magical power of the ocean, they return home joyfully. Every day they were expected, and when at last they arrived, the king gave orders that all preparations should be made.

The day before the feast, everyone went out to gather the first fruits in the fields, and no one remained in the crawl but one old queen to watch over the two princesses. The two girls sat in their usual place, and the birds flew around them as they ate and picked up all they could. Suddenly, a flock of rock pigeons swooped down upon them and in a moment they had seized the beautiful princess and carried her away but the green monster they left alone. Bye. Goodbye.

Like. Oh, that's funny. Oh, is the princess going to try to save someone maybe? Just a bunch of pigeons are like, oh, shiny. She is wearing a lot of jewelry. That's fun. The old queen looked up and shrieked, there goes the lovely princess. There goes the king's favorite child. Even she knows it. Yeah. I mean, everybody knows. The other girl's right there though. I know. But I think she already knows too because her dad gave her a monster as a cloak and not like a leopard or something. What an asshole. She called all the people from the fields and sent them after the pigeons. But the birds rose high

in the air and then headed straight north. They carried Mopindane far away to a new country and placed her in the crawl of a very great king. There she stayed till the king saw her and made her his wife. And there she lived in great happiness." Oh, great. Yeah. So she's fine. Okay. But she could never send a message home for no one had even heard of the name of her people or knew the way through the thick forests which lay between them. Oh, wow. So she's just been yoinked right out of the story and like set down somewhere else. Dang.

All right. I thought the other girl was going to like save her. I mean, stay tuned for my fix for this story. Yeah, but your fix doesn't give me any points. No, it doesn't. But I do like that the story is very careful to let us know that Mappendane is very happy and she had a great life. Don't worry about her.

Good for her. And, you know, aside from missing her sister, it sounds like everyone else in their entire village fucking sucks. Yeah, that's fair. So maybe she's having a great time. So her father and mother never knew of her good fortune, quote unquote, of being kidnapped. Good. Her father doesn't deserve anything.

He doesn't deserve information. Her father and mother never knew of her good fortune and always believed that the birds had eaten her. That's dark. Super dark. You could be nice to your other kid now. He's only got one lip, right? Of course not.

He still fucking hates this kid. He has problems. Yeah. He's evil. He needs to get eaten by birds or the really, really old nyanyabu-lumbu. Yeah, yeah. Someone push him in the really dark black pool with the old one. Yeah, it's a good meal. Yeah. Poor Kiddela and her green skin was worse off than ever for the bereaved queen

was very jealous and angry. Oh, the queen's mad. Yeah, exactly. And as she was all-powerful, Kiddala was no longer allowed to live as a princess but was set to do all sorts of degrading work. At last the king said to her, You are no good at all. You must go and scare birds.

You're so ugly that every bird who sees you will fly away at once. Okay. Okay. Maybe I'll get kidnapped and they'll take me to the same place they took Mopindani. Yeah, seriously. From that day on, the princess was no longer called Kidla, but Nyan Nyan Bulimbu. She often said to her mother, how hard my life is, why was I born to all this? But her mother always remembered the Bulimbu's magic gifts and said, do not despair, all will come right presently.

No. Yeah. So at least she still has her mom. Mm-hmm. Your mom seems okay. I feel like she could be doing more, but whatever. Yeah, but you know, we just don't know the situation. If you're the king's least favorite concubine. Least favorite? It's funny.

Yeah. You could just leave her alone. Right. You could just leave her alone. Right. You could just not have her. Anyway. But depending on how they do that kind of thing, that also might mean that she has to die. Yeah. Anywho. And so it did. For the first time, the princess went to the fields. She met a

fairy in the shape of a very old man. I love that. Me too. He took pity on her and gave her a stick saying, when you come to the fields, just wave this and call aloud. All the birds will fall down dead at once. When you go, I know. She could have used that information before. Right? You should have given her the stick when her sister got kidnapped. When you go bathing, take the stick with you into the water. It will give you your true shape again. But remember, never to let go of it or your power will depart.

Kiddala took the stick and found it quite as powerful as the fairy declared. She had no trouble with the birds, but kept the crops in safety as easily as possible. And every day in the hot, still afternoon when all creatures are asleep, she went down to the river. And as her foot touched the water, the green skin floated away and hundreds of pretty girls came to play with her at her call. Whoa. I know.

The ones that the Nyanyablamboo murdered and ate. Maybe. And like it's all of their jewelry that she now has back at her mother's house. I'm just saying. Mm-hmm. That's spooky. Yeah, like just hundreds of pretty girls

are just suddenly there. But also they came to play with her, huh? Gay. I hope. Definitely. She stood in the water and sang, Nyanya Bulembu, Nyanya Bulembbu, here I am. I was dressed like a monster, but I am like any girl. And today they fed me with the dogs." And then she called for food and instantly a feast appeared and she and all the fairies ate and laughed together. But when she came out of the river, her green skin reappeared and she was once more Nyanya Bulimbu. Seems like maybe you just live in the new fairy land. Right, just live in the ponds

with all of your new fairy friends. Yeah. So I kind of like that it's a bit of a, it's like a, it is a bit of a mermaid story in the sense that like, returning to the water gives her her true shape. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's true. Back? Yeah. But it's also a reverse splash.

Okay. So the other little boys and girls who were also scaring birds were dreadfully afraid of the monster and they never went near her. They never asked her to join them in the afternoons when they played together in the water, but they often wondered what she looked like when she bathed by herself in a lonely pool. And one day they went down to sea. They often wondered, huh? They wondered all the time. Of course they did. I wonder what that monster looks like naked. So they decide to spy on her when she's bathing one day. That's great. Yeah, it's awesome. This town's

really full of the stand up people. Yeah. The crème de the crumb. When a beautiful girl appeared instead of the ugly monster, they were so astonished that they ran straight home and told the whole story to the princess's mother. The despised queen was very pleased, but she told the children not to say a word to anyone, so the masquerade princess continued to scare the birds. Some months later, a great prince, of course princess continued to scare the birds. Some months later, a great prince, of course, came to visit the king. He was young and handsome, but he was noted above all for his wisdom and good judgment. His father had sent him to seek a bride, and she was to be the most beautiful woman he could find.

What else is there? What else is there? What else? And everyone was anxious to see the girl chosen by so wise a prince. Because that's wisdom is being able to tell who the hottest one is. Yeah. Well, they're probably like, there's no really any hot princess. What's he going to do? The young man traveled far and wide but found no maiden whom he could love. They are all too uggo for him. At last, he came to the crawl in which lived the moss green princess. He went straight to the king and asked him if he had any daughters. You got any hot daughters? You got any hot girls around here? Nope. Keep moving.

Yeah, basically. Yes, said the king, but I have only one. You shall see her with pleasure. Let the prince see the monster, said Mopindane's mother with a bitter laugh. So the prince was taken to the fields where Kiddala was busy scaring birds. I'm just imagining her out there like, you know. Doing like a scarecrow. Yeah, waving a broom around like. Yeah. Well, she's got her stick, so she's waving her stick around.

Oh, now to me, it's that scene from Monty Python where the sorcerer Tim is just casting fire, pointing his staff and then, brrr. When he got there, the little boys and girls who were at work came to him and said, Do you want to see Nyonya Balembu? She's bathing just now. We'll take you to the pool she always visits. Oh, you want to see this monster naked? She's actually pretty hot. Pretty hot monster, actually. She's sexy. Maybe they're secretly on her side. Now that they know she's pretty. Yeah.

Sure. Now that we have the important part. They're like, oh, she's actually pretty hot. Yeah. As it happens. As it were. As it were. Which means she's good because pretty equals good.

Always. Always. Definitely. Okay, so they take the prince and they placed him where he could see the moss green princess enter the water without being seen by her. And when he first saw the green monster appear, he held his breath with horror and thought some trick had been played upon him. But directly, this hideous creature touched the water, the green skin fell away, and there stood the loveliest maiden he had ever beheld. She's so beautiful now, you fool. You fool. It was a curse.

So he obviously instantly fell in love with her and vowed to make her his wife no matter what spell might have fallen on her. Barf. Okay. Yeah, I've got to fix. He watched her all afternoon playing with the fairies in the cool green shadows and longed to join them, but did not dare. Sorry. He heard Kiddela sing the story of her life as one does. Oh my God. She had like a perfect Disney princess song.

She sang her I want song. Yep. Good for her. Yeah. Then he went straight back to the crawl and asked to see the king. Yeah. Then he went straight back to the crawl and asked to see the king. I will marry your monster, he said. Aww. The king was surprised beyond measure, but he consented. He's like, all right. All right. Please take her off my hands. And all preparations were made for the wedding. The wonderful presents the green monster had

brought years before were now gathered together and made a royal outfit for the young princess. The prince returned to his father and sent a present of 100 cows to the king to show in what consideration he held the bride and also a fine head of cattle for her mother. Great. Yay. Happy ending for the rich people. Everybody's, everything's coming up, that one guy. Yeah, great. Great. We'd love to see it, I guess. No, we don't.

Then he waited for the moss green princess to come to him for the marriage always takes place in the bridegroom's home. All his people waited too and great expectation for the prince was known to have chosen the most beautiful girl he could find. Oh my God. They wanna see her.

They're gonna be like, oh man, she's so ugly. And then, yeah, this is like very 10 things I hate about you-ish. Like, oh, but then she put her hair down, took her ponytail out and her glasses off and now she's hot. She's hot now, yeah. She's all that.

Oh, thank you. You're right. Got to get your 90s rom-com straight. Well, was she's all that 90s or? It was 90s. Yeah, I think so. Late 90s. Late 90s.

Yeah. Anyway, not important. Their horror was great when they saw a strange green monster arrive with long white teeth and claws, attended by four bridesmaids. Cool. What, said they? Is this the peerless beauty chosen by so wise a prince? How can he marry such a monster? What if he's just a monster fucker? Oh, I would, I mean, okay, second fix for the story is he thinks that the monster is hot as hell. We've got another fix. What if he just genuinely thought she was super hot as a monster? Yeah. He's like, that's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

Ever seen. He's like, oh, baby. Yes. The story has potential. It does. Like, it's got the bones of a great story, but it needs our help to become better. 100%. That's why we do this. It is why we do this. To fix these culturally important historical folk tales. 100% because they need fixing, and we're here to help.

Oh, geez. No one from Eswatini come for us, please. Or do, I'd be curious to know. That'd be great, actually. Fight us. Please, fight us about it. We love you. Yeah. Thank you for the story. That's a good story. Okay. So, the poor princess sat at the door of the chief hut, trembling lest she should be refused admittance and the prince repent of so bad a bargain. But he kept faith with her in spite of her green skin or because of it and received her

kindly. She was taken to a beautiful hut and the very next day was fixed for the wedding. Fixed for the wedding? Very early in the morning. Yeah. The next day was set as the wedding day. God, and now I'm imagining an alligator, human, wearing a wedding dress. I mean, in my mind, it's like a white Western culture. Right. It's like a wester—it's like a poofy white dress. It's very silly in my head. But I also want Robin Jacques to illustrate. That is funny.

Okay. So very early in the morning, the princess and her maids went down to a deep pool in the river to bathe. The sun had barely risen and the air was fresh and cool. Nyonya Bulambu took the stick in her hand and stepped into the water. And as she touched it, the green skin fell away. But instead of floating on the water, it flew straight up into the air and was carried many miles till it fell down right at the door of her mother's hut. Then the despised queen knew that all was well and her daughter was happy at last. I think it should have landed at the father's feet. Should have landed on top of him.

Yes. Then he should have been the green monster now. Yeah. Oh my God. Third fix. Third fix. Just choose your own adventure. Yes, definitely.

So the princess came out of the water in her true form, no longer Nyanya Bulimbu, but Kiddala, the king's daughter. She returned to the crawl with her bridesmaids, all in their wedding array, and was met by the women who were to be her friends in her new home, for they were to take her to the prince. Great was their joy and astonishment when they saw so lovely a princess and not a scary, horrible green monster. They declared that such beauty had never been seen among them before and praised the wisdom of the prince who had chosen her.

Good job. Good job. Good job finding the hottest. She's hot. Yeah. The marriage ceremony took place and the princess lived among them ever after in much happiness and honor. The fame of her beauty was such that people came from south east and west to see so lovely a woman, but definitely not north because that would mean that Mopindane had probably heard that she was okay. Oh yeah. Oh, oh, oh, you'd have been so happy for her. She would have been. Girl's girl. But the old king was well punished for while he often heard of the happiness of Nyanya Balimbu, he never saw his favorite daughter again and always believed her dad to the end. Really? That was the suitable

punishment for him? That's the punishment. Is that like the girl that he was nice to. Well, great story. Couple fixes. Many. Just a couple fixes. I think, obviously, I think Kitala should have went and saved her sister. That would have been very fun. Yep. Maybe that's how she found the prince or how the prince found her.

Yeah. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. So I really love, because now at first I was just going to dismiss the prince or how the prince found her? Yeah, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup. So I really love, cause like now at first I was just gonna like dismiss the prince and just be like, okay, this whole second half of the story never happened. But now that we mentioned that maybe he's just a monster fucker. Yeah.

And he thinks that like she's really hot. He thinks he's hot both ways. As a green skinned monster. Yeah. So now, yes, I like the idea that she sets out to find, to rescue her sister. And yeah, she encounters the prince on the way and then they journey together and they fall in love, even though she's in her monster suit because he kind of thinks that's pretty, he thinks that's pretty hot.

Yeah, he's into it. And then she uses her teeth and claws somehow to to rescue her sister or to do a welfare check on her or whatever. A welfare check. Just to make sure she's actually happy and it's not just the story gaslighting us. Yes. My what big teeth you have. What's your opinion about whether or not she remains a green skinned monster or her skin is taken off at their wedding

and then turns her father into a monster. I like that. I like the idea that she likes her monster skin too, that she embraces it. I don't know, I just love the idea of a little punk goth princess being like, yeah, I'm a fucking monster bitch. And just like, hmm, maybe she keeps the skin.

Yeah, maybe she keeps the skin. And I still think we should throw the old king into the old Nyanyabu limbo swamp. Oh, great. Okay. That's a meal. Yeah. Um, he gets, he gets tossed into. Okay. That's his punishment. And then he gets a meal. Yeah. He gets tossed into... Yeah. He'll swallow. Or a wed. What happened to the old man fairy?

He's never mentioned again. Yeah. He gives Kiddala a stick and then he leaves forever. Just causes him chaos. I like him. Yeah. He's just there. He's like,'s just like, I'm your fairy godmother. Here's a stick that only kind of half does what you want. Don't let go. She could beat her father with a stick. Oh my God. Hilarious. And that turned him into a Nanny Ab Balambu. Very funny.

I like that. Maybe his wife that he's been so horrible to gets the stick. Instead of Kitala's skin come flying away from her, her skin falls off in such a way that she can use it again and the stick flies out of her hand and lands at her mother's door and then her mother can go whack her husband with it until he turns into a monster. There you go. I like that too. I think that's fun. Yep. It just needed a little tweaking. It did.

A little tweaking. Just a little, but it's a good tweaking. A little tweaking. Just a little, but it's a good one though. I really enjoy the story. I think it's like— Yeah, me too. Oh, and the art is of course— Yeah, let me see. Gorgeous. So it's a picture of Kiddela in the water with her green skin coming off. Pretty.

Yeah, it's really gorgeous. Did you get any points? She didn't try to save anybody. That's my fix. There was no time warp and nobody died. Dang, nope, I got zero. I know, I'm sorry. I didn't even get a points for her sister dying. Nope, because she's fine according to the story.

She's fine. Don't even worry about it. Don't ask questions. Don't even worry about it. I guess the Nyonya Bulembu died. Oh, that's true. I do get one point. I can't bet.

One point. Yeah, because Nyonya Bulembu is a fairy creature. He's the main monster. Yeah, he'sonya Balembu is a fairy creature. He's the main monster. Yeah, he's a named character. Yes. Okay. Woohoo. And also, the Nyonya Balembu's death is what's able to make sure that Kittala has a dowry

and all of her jewelry and nice clothes. No, they had to kill the poor creature. That was great. as like a dowry and all of her jewelry and nice clothes. No, they had to kill the poor creature. That was great. I love that. Thank you for telling me that wonderful story. I'm glad you enjoyed that. Thanks again for this book.

It's got a lot of really good, it's like it's got a lot of great stories in it. I have enjoyed every single one so far. Yeah, I love that book so much. I love that whole series. Like they're just so beautifully illustrated and they pick out great tales. Yeah, absolutely.

Which actually reminds me, I thought, no, I gave you the Russian one. Yes, I have the Russian one and I have the Indian one. Yeah, you need to read more from the Russian tales because I feel like they did a good job at taking those tales and rewriting them so they're a little more. Yeah. So they're a little, yeah. Yep. Yep. So there's more. Yeah. Just a little more. Just a little more well written.

Agreed. Because the regular Pantheon ones and the thick book are often, they're a little nothing. So as I was listening to your story, I decided which one I was going to read. Oh, okay. Intriguing. So, my coworker is actually going to Portugal for her honeymoon in September. Oh, okay. And my uncle, my great uncle was actually 100% Portuguese.

Oh. So, I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and I don't know if we've read any Portuguese fairy tales. Not specifically. No, I don't know if we've read any Portuguese fairy tales. Not specifically. No, I don't think we have. Yeah, and if we have- That does not sound familiar. I don't remember.

So, I am going to read to you today, The Ugly Princess. Oh, I love this as a theme. Now we are on theme. We're on theme. We're on theme. And a quick little geography corner in case you don't know where Portugal is. It is right next to Spain. It's on the coast. It's right-

Of Europe, yes? Yes, yes. It's right next to Spain and above Morocco. Okay. So is it still like, does it still have coastline on the Mediterranean? Yeah, lots and lots of coastline. So if you look it up, it's kind of, it's right below France and above Morocco. So it's got a lot of coastline on it. Okay. Cool. Okay. Cool.

Okay. Yeah. You give me… Oh, right. Yeah. Go ahead and just give me three predictions for the ugly princess. I'm just going to let the story I just read influence me completely. There's a curse.

There's a curse. She becomes traditionally pretty by the end. Okay. One more. You know, there's a word that just keeps screaming itself out in my brain and I'm just going to give into it. Frog. There's a frog. Frog. I love it. There should be a frog in every fairy tale. I think so. That should be, oh, and a mouse. We don't get enough fairy tale mice. Oh, we'll have to look into it. In every fairy tale, when we rewrite them for our choose your own adventure,

fixed stories, we need to include a mouse or a frog. We'll insert mice and frogs somewhere. Somewhere. Toads for sure. Toads for sure. Toads are an important motif of our show. It doesn't have to be like, I know Veronica was saying we needed to do an episode and title it Toad Talk.

Toad Talk. Which there is a Brothers Grimm tale called Tales About Toads that we haven't read yet. Okay, so we'll do that and then we'll find a Toad story from a different ethnicity. Yeah. So we'll have a Toad day. A Toad episode. That could be a good October 1st one. Or a good bonus episode.

Yeah. Toads the episode. Welcome to my Toad talk. Okay, anyway, I'm sorry. Okay. I'm going to read this story. Tell me the story. The Ugly Princess.

Oh, and I also want to preface this by saying, I think I said this before on the podcast, but your looks are the least interesting thing about you. There's so much more to you and I very much dislike all this, like you are good so you look good. Like I just, I hate that fairy tale rhetoric and it really gets me and I feel like the story is obviously a little problematic as well. So I'm just gonna throw that out there. Yeah. Well, this is partially why we're here to fix the fairy tales for a modern audience because like, like, yeah, there's a lot of this in fairy tales where it's like your, you know, goodness and like traditional beauty are synonymous.

And like Western cultural white beauty is so like, it's just ingrained in us as Americans, at least you and I, and that I just, I don't know. Absolutely. Yeah, I think as Americans, it's a fair thing to say. I think that's very true. I think regardless of whether or not we realize that it's still there, even if you're actively trying to think yourself out of it. Yep. I worry about my looks constantly, and it's exhausting. I don't care for it. So anyway. Nope, especially when it's like, your body is just your vessel through which you move through the world.

And it can just be a neutral thing. And you are lovely. Yep, you are. Oh, anywho. That's it. Tell me a story about a pretty girl who turns into an ugly girl who turns back into a pretty girl probably. The Ugly Princess by Charles Sellers. Oh, and I got this on fairytails.com. Amazing

website. I will post the link in our show now. I love this website. Although they do have a lot of ads. This isn't a sponsored post, so I'm allowed to have critiques. There were so many clock ups. I had a hard time reading this last night. Anyway. Do better, fairy tales. And then we'll sponsor you for real.

Wait, you have to, never mind. Anyway, okay. There was once a king who had an only daughter. Strong start. And she was- There was once- Once, and she was so very ugly and deformed that, which I also hate that word. When she rode through the streets of Alcantara, and I'm sorry if I'm saying that wrong,

the children ran away thinking she was a witch. Wow. So, she ugly, I guess. She ugly. Her father, however, thought her the most lovely creature in his kingdom. And as all the courtiers agreed with him, and the court-pote was always singing her praises, and the princess had been led to believe that what most ladies like to believe. And as she was expecting a prince from a distant country

who was coming expressly to marry her, she had ordered many rich dresses which only made her look uglier." Okay, but everybody tells her she's so cute all the time that she just like, she has inner, like she knows she's cute. Like she has embraced the idea that she's actually very adorable. Yeah, 100%. And I love the king. I think she's the most beautiful creature. That's precious. Isn't that so? Opposite of a fairy tale dad. 100%. And I love the king. I think she's the most beautiful creature. That's precious. Isn't that so opposite of a fairy tale dad? Absolutely. He is not a classic fairy tale dad. He's very supportive. He's all like,

this is my child and thus she is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened ever. So sweet. I love it so much. I love that. And so I love that she has like, she is a really, she's a hot personality. Yes, she does. And she's like, no, like, no, I'm hot. You can't like. Yeah, she's like, obviously, everyone's always singing me praises and telling me how pretty I am. Why would they lie? And I believe it. Why would they lie? Okay, I love that. I love that for her.

Good for her, healthy self-esteem. Hell yes, get it girl. The city of Anglaterra, sorry, Alcantara. I'm gonna hold on. Is this a real city? Can you tell I didn't do any research? I'm the worst person. It is a real city.

Or it looks like it's kind of a neighborhood by Lisbon or in Lisbon. Oh, okay. Oh, Lisbon's a district. We're learning stuff. Keep all of it in. I'm sorry, everyone. I wasn't really that prepared. Absolutely. We're learning today. I want to learn how to say it too. I read these stories and I assume I'll just be able to pronounce it. Like I have so much faith in myself and then we get there and I'm like, oh no. Like wait, how do you say that? Yeah. Alcontra.

The city of Alcontra. Well, it doesn't look hard to pronounce and then like I said, I tried it and... And it's just like when it actually comes, because reading it, you're like, yeah, sure. And then as soon as you try to say it, it's like, that doesn't sound quite right. Yeah, okay. If this were a really well-produced podcast, I would have read it out loud already in practice to myself. Yeah, but this is our after work weekend hobby.

So, the city of Alcantara was ready to receive Prince Allenbam, who was going to espouse the princess Altamira. And Altamira is our ugly princess. Oh, I love her name. Altamira is pretty. I know. Isn't that beautiful? Wait, hold on.

Altamira is pretty though. Yeah, Altamira. That was right. Okay. Okay, cool. Crowds thronged the streets, martial music was heard everywhere, and in the public square a splendid throne had been erected for the king, Princess Altamira and Prince Alenbaum. Around the throne were formed large bodies of well-equipped cavalry, dark-visaged warriors,

clad in white and gold and mounted on superb Arab steeds. Ooh, sounds fun. Every time. Every time there's like a kingly parade, that's what I picture. Absolutely. Behind the king on his left side stood the royal barber with his retinue of apprentices and on his right side was seen Nabo the headsman, a black man of gigantic stature with his implement with his implement of office and axe over his shoulder.

Oh, okay. Love a headsman. Me too. Honestly, that's a shape we haven't really seen before. I'm just hoping. I feel like this is a different story than I read last night. I'm going to keep going though. Go, go. I'm sure this is great. Okay. Seated on the steps of the throne were a number of musicians and below these a guard of honor

composed of foot soldiers dressed in short vests called algebas and wide lower garments with their alhavahs or quivers full of bright arrows. Totally got this. Okay. Yeah. No, I love it. Great description. From the throne. Yeah, it's just, it's nice. It's setting the scene. From the throne, the king could see the splendid bridge on six pillars built by Trajan along which a brilliant calvacald was proceeding which is like it's like it's like just a giant parade calvacad is like a like a parade a formal procession okay great prince and it was proceeding namely the procession formed formed by Prince Allenbaum and his retainers. As soon as the prince, after saluting the king, beheld the princess, he turned pale,

for he had never seen anyone so ugly. And however much he might have desired to keep up an appearance of courtesy to the princess before her father's subjects, he could not kiss her as she expected him to, nor could he be persuaded to occupy the chair reserved for him beside the princess. Oh, get over it. Uh-huh, boo. Boo.

Your mercy, said he, addressing the king. Must excuse my insufferable bashfulness, but the fact that this Princess Altamira is so transcendingly beautiful and so dazzling to behold that I can never expect to look upon her face again and live. The King and the Princess were highly flattered, but as Prince Allenbaum continued to abdurate in his professions of bashfulness, they commenced to feel somewhat vexed. And at last the king said in a loud voice, Oh God, Prince Allenbaum, we fully appreciate the motive that prompts your conduct.

But the fact is the Princess Altamira is present to be wedded to you. And as a Christian king, on the first of my line, I desire to lead to the altar my only daughter, Princess Altamira, and her affianced husband, Prince Allenbaum. It cannot be," said the prince. Suck it up! Like, what's wrong? Seriously?

She's a princess. She's a princess! I would rather marry someone less beautiful, Sir King. Forgive me if I annoy you, but I will not be wedded to such beauty." The King was now incensed beyond measure, but the Princess, and the Princess his daughter, thinking to spite Prince Alambom, said, "'With your permission, Royal Father, since I am too beautiful for a Prince, I will be married to the most learned man in your kingdom, Bernardo, the Royal Barber.'"

"'And that you shall,' said the king. But on turning around to speak to the barber, he found that this most learned man in his kingdom was all of a tremble as if dancing to the music of St. Vitus, which is so specific. Very specific. Also, the most learned man in your kingdom was the barber. Okay. Yeah. I mean, honestly, I'm into that. Barbers know a lot. Yeah, absolutely. What has possessed thee, Cateph? asked the king. Here is not thou the honor that is to be conferred on thee? My royal master, muttered the poor, frightened man of learning and lather. I can

no more avail myself of the honor which you could confer on me that the Archbishop of Villa Franca would. His grace is bound to celibacy and I am already married. It's like coming up with all these excuses. He's just lying. Now the barber had on many occasions rendered himself obnoxious to Sanchez, the royal cobbler,

who seeing as the king's perplexity and a chance of avenging past insults exclaims, Oh, I love it. Okay, go on. Royal master, it would be the most acceptable to your subjects that so much beauty should be wedded to so much learning. Our good friend Bernardo, it is true, married. But since he has been in attendance at the palace, he has so fallen in love with the Princess Altamira that he no longer notices his wife. Therefore, it may please your mercy to dissolve the first marriage and announce this new one

with her Highness your daughter." This is fucked up. I'm just realizing how Shakespearean this all sounds too. Very, very Shakespearean, absolutely. Okay. Harangue is a lengthy and aggressive speech. The barber, I didn't know that. You probably know all this.

You're so learned. I'm very learned. Much like our friend the barber. I'm confused though about why the barber knows so much. The barber at this harangue became so infuriated that he rushed blindly at the cobbler and with his razor would have severed his head from the rest of his body, but that he was prevented by the guard who held him down. Executioner, do your work, cried the baffled king. I was just about to say, there's a headsman right here. Uh-huh. And at one blow, the head of the unfortunate barber rolled on the ground.

Oh my gosh, his poor wife. Oof. His poor wife. I don't know. I feel like he was lying about being married. No, but the cobbler said he was married. Oh, no. Wait, hold on. I thought that was I thought that was I think I have to call him an outright liar. I think the barber was saying Bernardo like no, she should bury Bernardo. Oh, okay. Who is the cobbler? Which one is the cobbler? Ah, I see. What is a cobbler? They do shoes.

You're so smart and beautiful. I'm very learned. I was like, it's a peach cobbler. That's what I think when you say cobbler. Okay, yeah. So, no, it was the barber who was like, this guy, he's married, but that's fine. Okay. Anyway.

Amazing. Okay. And Prince Album is still there. I mean, it's still there. It's still there. It's still there. It's still there. It's still there.

It's still there. It's still there. It's still there. It's still there. It's still there. It's married, but he's fine. Okay, anyway. Amazing, okay. And Prince Alabam is still there, like. Just happy he's off the hook. Prince Alenbaum seeing this and fearing that more mischief might ensue,

proposed to the king that 100 knights should be chosen and that these should fight for the hand of the lovely Princess Altamira. I myself will enter the lists, said the prince, and the survival will be rewarded by marrying your daughter." You know, he just said he couldn't. It's fine. Are you saying you'd rather die? I think so, to be honest. Damn. Okay. That is a good idea, said the king. And calling together 99 of his best knights, he bade them

fight valiantly for their reward was very precious. Oh, and he loves his daughter so much. Yeah. Fifty knights mounted on beautiful chargers placed themselves on one side and were opposed by forty-nine equally well-mounted knights and Princess Alenbaum. And at the word of command given by the king, they advanced at headlong speed against each other. But much to the astonishment of the spectators, no knight was unhorsed. Rather, it did seem that

each knight did his utmost to get run through by his opponent. At it, they went again and again, but with the same result, for no man was hurt, although seeming to court death." So they're just like faking their own deaths. Wow. We will alter the order of things, exclaimed the king. The knight who is first wounded shall be the one to marry the princess. This was no sooner said than the night seemed to be possessed of a blind

fury, and at the first charge nearly every night was unhorsed and everyone wounded, while the confusion and noise were awful. They were all accusing each other of being the first wounded, so that in utter despair the king declared his daughter should be married to the church, enter a convent, and thus hide her transcendent beauty." So he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, my daughter's way too beautiful, you guys are. I'll want her obviously. Obviously.

Send her to the church. She can't go to anybody. No, no. She's so hot, she needs to be hidden in a church. Yep. I feel like this is so mean, but it's still good. This is soup. I mean, it's hilarious though. It's still a really funny story. It's just the reasons for it are very fucked up. Which is why I wanted to give the preface. I hate that.

But it's very Monty Python. Very Monty Python. Honestly, I really was thinking about it. It really is very Shakespearean. Not only the language, but it's a very Shakespearean comedy, like farce. Yeah. No, father, exclaimed the ugly princess. I will get a husband. I love her. No, I will not be marrying the church. Thank you very much. Thank you. No, Father. No, thank you.

I will get a husband and if in all the states of Spain, no one be found worthy enough to be my husband, I will leave Spain forever. There is a country where the day never dawns and night is eternal. Tither I will go for in the dark as all cats are gray, so are all degrees of beauty brought to one common level. I now know that it is just as unfortunate to be too beautiful as it is to be very ugly." Which is so wise. Very wise of her and honestly not untrue.

I love that for her. Me too. Also, I love that her self-confidence is not shaken. She still believes that she is so gorgeous and I love that. And she's ready to find someone who is worthy of her love and I love that for her. Absolutely. Me too. Having delivered herself of the speech, Princess Altamira bade the king her father goodbye

and was on the point of leaving the royal presence when a handsome figure, Felisberto, the blind fiddler was seen to approach. Princess, now I wanna give him an accent, I bet he's super hot too. And he's a fiddler, he's a musician, come on. Absolutely, hot musician. Come on. Absolutely. Hot musician. Go, Princess. Princess exclaimed blind Philospirito. To Spain, nothing is denied. You speak of proceeding

to the north where the day never dawns in search of a husband. You need but look at me to behold one to whom night and day extreme ugliness and transcendent beauty are alike. And since all are so bashful that they will not marry you, allow me, fair princess, to offer you my services as a husband. In my world, handsome is that handsome does." The king was so pleased with the blind fiddler's speech that he immediately made him a grandee of Spain and acknowledged him as a son-in-law elect. The end. Wow, okay.

So I really love the ending of handsome is that handsome does. Yeah, and it's like, it's all the same. Like it's all the same to me. Like I want to get like, he might be the first person that actually like gets to know her. Yep, and that's really my fix for the story is that I wish it were a little bit longer

and like maybe the fiddler was like there to begin with and they like were already friends or flirting, just like a little bit according, you know? Oh yes, a little, give us some romance. Yeah. Just instead of him being like, but I love that he ended up kind of like hearing the speech and gaining the confidence to come up to the king at all and being like, I don't know, it's cute.

I think that is cute. And then also I love that the king is like a not typical fairy tale dad where he is like, oh my gosh, I love my baby. She is the prettiest, bestest girl in the entire world. Yeah, oh, so sweet. And that she says, no, I'm gonna get married. Him, I'll marry him. And he says, as you wish, I'll get him for you.

As you wish. Yeah. Yes, marry the barber, excellent idea. Yeah, so cute. Yeah. Like making the fiddler a prince just because he likes his daughter. the barber, excellent idea. Yeah, so cute. Like making the fiddler a prince just because he likes his daughter. And that means he likes him. Yeah, and also, he's not looking for a prince specifically.

He's going through a list. He just wants his daughter to be happy, it seems like. Which is really sweet. That's another fix is that Altamira needs a little bit. through a list. He just wants his daughter to be happy, it seems like. Yeah. Which is really sweet. That's another fix is that Altamira needs a little bit... She does have some agency. I like that she says she's not going to go to the church and that she'll go where it's always night so people can handle it. But a little more agency throughout the story might be fun. Again, it's just a really short story.

It's a really short one. I don't know. I disagree. It sounds like she has plenty of agency in the sense that she's trying to choose for herself and refusing what other people are choosing for her and declaring like, no, no, no, no, I'm not doing that. Yeah. I mean, in the beginning, when he's like, the barber, the knights, he's kind of just running through and she doesn't say anything until the end. Oh, that's fair. That's fair. Yeah. But yeah, just kind of, just a little more, I want to hear a little more from Altamira. Same. But otherwise, I thought it was like a cute story and just kind of fun.

Very silly. Like it was really fun. I also thought it's hilarious that like somebody dies. Yeah. He just loses his head. So he just absolutely dies over being, because they decided to be an asshole. Mm-hmm. I mean, you were talking to the king, so. Yeah. What were you thinking there, bud? Kind of in a funny way, I don't know, just the idea of his head just, I don't know.

In real life, that's really traumatic. The way the story wrote it, it's very comedy. Very hilarious. Yeah, I loved it. Monty Python, Shakespearean-esque. Yeah, I loved it. Monty Python, Shakespearean-esque. Yeah, yeah. It sounded like slapstick for a lot of it. Yeah, which I enjoyed.

Me too. I also just like, yeah, again, just don't love the premise, but I do like that she finds someone who likes her at the end. But yeah, I think the best fix for it is totally like more of a courtship. Yeah, just a little more from Princess and the Fiddler. Yeah, I don't know. I kind of want to invent a punishment for all the shallow people, but their punishment

is to be shallow and to see the world that way. Yeah, it's not sad. Yeah, it's sad for them. Yeah, and maybe an ending for Prince Ellenbom would be kind of funny. Yeah. Like someone pushes him in the river or something. He ends up having to marry someone

who thinks he's really ugly. Ooh, that's fun. Yeah, he gets denied. He goes off to find the most beautiful princess Oh, that's fun. Yeah, he gets denied. He goes off to find the most beautiful princess and all of them deny him. Okay, that's the fix. He tries. Yes, perfect.

That's excellent. I love it. Because it's always, I don't know, like, yeah, you know, I was going to launch off into a thing that I'm gonna not say because it's also kind of shallow and petty and mean. So. Oh, it's hard. I also understand looks are important to people

and I wouldn't wanna like, you know, be with someone I wasn't attracted to. Yeah, there's something to be proud of that. But I love the handsome is as handsome does and it's all the same to him. He's so sweet. I think it's beautiful. Yeah.

And he's a musician. I've got a thing for musicians, I guess. You and everybody else. Well, I'm actually married too. I meant because I'm married to music. That too, but yeah, musicians are hot. Very specifically. I guess that's a thing, whatever.

Was there a curse? Seems like she was cursed, but there wasn't. Nope, she's perfectly healthy. You got zero points this time. She did not become traditionally pretty. I thought that was a great. Otherwise, any other fairy tale, 100%, that's what would have happened. It literally happened in the one I read. Yeah, and every other fairy tale ever. Yeah.

And sadly, there was no frog with her. There was no frog, which I think that's the fix. Yeah. The biggest fix is that the fiddler has a pet frog. Yes. Yes. That sits on his fiddle as he plays. Cute.

And then croaks, like those croaky little songs. In time? Yeah. Croaks on key. Oh, so cute. Please. Aw, like you know how they have that. I like to talk to people like everyone else is on my same FYP page on TikTok, but there's

like a guy in Paris with an accordion and his cat sits on the accordion while he plays. That's so adorable. That's what I'm imagining for this frog in the fiddler. It's so cute. How does the cat balance? I will send you some videos because it's so cute. How does the cat balance? I will send you some videos because it's really cute. Ooh, maybe I'll post them to our stories when this episode comes out too. I think you should because I want to see.

It's really cute. I think the cat will go on his shoulders, but he'll also walk on top of the accordion. It's just really cute. Oh, okay. Yes, I must see that. But yeah, no points for me. But I'm okay with it because I like, I think the story was excellent. It went great. Yeah, that was fun. That was a good episode. We did it.

We did it. So that's going to do it for us today. Thank you all so much for listening to Fairy Tale Fix. Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. It helps our little indie podcast a ton when you rate the show on Apple and Spotify, or leave a short review on Apple would also be wonderful. It can even just be like, you know, saying two thumbs way, way up. It doesn't even have to be long. You can just go in there and leave a little review. This encourages the almighty algorithm to actually recommend our show to other people. If you want to support us even more and get bonus episode stickers and other fun content,

you can check out our Patreon at patreon.com slash fairy tale fix pod. You can find us on Instagram and Facebook and sometimes TikTok if we fucking feel like it at fairy tale fix pod. Yep. We post fairy tale art clips in the show, important updates and other cool stuff and we appreciate everybody who listens. Thank you. Thank you so much. Kittela, once Mapandane gets abducted, immediately goes off on an adventure to rescue her sister. She journeys through many kingdoms on her journey north until she finally hears tell of a beautiful princess that was kidnapped by birds and is now in a northern village.

Along the way, she meets the handsome prince while he's on his journey to find the hottest bride possible. Proving that he is in fact actually a really wise man, he decides that he thinks that this person is incredibly beautiful inside and out because he's kind of a monster fucker like that. Mm-hmm. And decides to assist her on her quest because that's more important than just trying to find Fahadis. ["BOTH LAUGHING"] Way more important.

So together, they go to a welfare check on Mopindane, who is in fact actually very happy, but now she and her sister know where each other are and they can send each other letters and stuff. And Kittela and the prince get married and her skin comes off because she can still use it whenever she wants because there's lots of reasons why you might want to be a green skinned monster. In the bedroom. In the bedroom. Exactly. Her stick flies up into the air and lands in front of her mother's house and then her mother takes it and she beats the shit out of her shitty dad who is

then turned into a Nyanya Balembu himself and he never finds out what happened to Mapindane and so he's just ugly and miserable for the rest of his life at the end. God, that was the best mix we've had so far, I feel like. So detailed. Certainly the most detailed. And the ugly princess has little side conversations with the fiddler and they have a little courting and it's really sexy and they both already dig each other. He already thinks she's hot even though he can't see. Maybe she's got a really beautiful voice.

Yeah, because baby looks don't matter. Oh, and she sings and he plays the fiddle along with the frog who sits on the fiddle and croaks in tune. Family band. Oh my God. And then they take the show on the road. Yes. And Prince Alan Bond goes on his quest to find the most beautiful princess to wed,

and they all deny him. And he dies alone and sad because he's such a shallow jerk. Or maybe he learns a lesson. I don't know. I feel like that's so mean. He learns to appreciate the beauty in himself and others and learns to be, you know, a happy and fulfilled single person. And maybe goes to therapy. Maybe get some therapy. Yeah, actually, you should really examine that in some stuff. And they all lived happily ever after the