Fairy Tale Fix - 95: They Weren’t NOT Hot

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

Well, we've finally wandered through the forest enough to run into the same witch twice. After Abbie starts to read the same story Kelsey read last episode, she turns to a cold reading of Esben and the Witch by our favorite fairy tale queen Ruth Manning-Sanders. Then, Kelsey follows it up with a short story called Tripple-Trapple from one of the newest RMS releases, A Book of Devils and Demons.

Do you hate your wine? This wine is awful. Oh, no. It's not because it's a bad wine. It's because it's like two days old. Okay. Oh, so it's been open for two days. Yes.

It was just in my fridge and I was like, it's probably fine. It's just a cupcake Pinot Grigio, which I usually very much enjoy. But after a couple of days, I'm still going to drink it. Right. We might have to release our minute of silence clip for this episode because Kelsey and I were like, we're doing our usual thing, which is like we chair dance during the minute of silence and we were both sipping our wine. Every time Kelsey sipped hers, she made a face.

Abby has a very modest amount of wine in her glass and I filled mine to the top. Okay, but our wine glasses are different shapes. This is a cool glass, right? It's a gorgeous glass, yeah. Kelsey is actually drinking out of a very fun looking, more old fashioned dinner wine glass. I don't know. I got it at World Market. I would call it a goblet. It's a crystal? No. It's really thick glass, which is what I liked about it because I can put it in my dishwasher.

There you go. I keep breaking wine glasses because the thin ones are prettier, I will say. Love a nice thin wine glass. They're very sexy, but this is sturdy and it's kind of fairy wine-esque. It is very, very wine-esque. It's totally a goblet. It's a beautiful glass goblet. It kind of reminds me of the wine glasses that my mom puts out, but for New Year's Eve, when we're having a fancy dinner, she'll put out wine glasses like that. Yeah, that's classy. It's very classy.

So you look and your nails right now are so pretty. So you like, you just look very witchy. I love it. Check out this cool ring. Shout out Caroline. Lola picked this out for me, I guess. Lola picked that out for you? For my birthday, yeah. That's so cool.

Isn't that so cool? That is so cool. I've designated this as my protection ring to protect my energy. So I'm wearing it a lot lately. So thank you, Lola and Caroline. You're both so cool. Oh, that's adorable.

I'm jealous. Anyway. I want to pick out a ring for me, Caroline. I mean, speaking of, happy fucking birthday. Thank you. This is my birthday episode. This is your birthday episode. Happy birthday to me. Technically, it comes on the 15th. See your birthdays tomorrow. Tell the people, what are you going to be doing for your birthday? Well, currently, I mean, not currently because we're recording this in September, but at this moment, when the episode drops and it hits your ear holes, I will be in jolly old London. It's going to rock. So exciting. Do you know what you're going to be doing on that day? Oh, On my actual birthday, like what I'm doing tomorrow?

Yeah. The only thing we really have planned is what my family always does for my birthday, which is we go get Indian food because I love Indian food and I'll be in London, which has the best Indian food outside of India. That is my biggest regret of being in London and not eating Indian food outside of India. That is like my biggest regret of being in London and not eating Indian food. Oh, that's crazy that you didn't have any while you were there because it's like, it's outside of India, London has the best for terrible reasons involving colonialism, but the food is still absolute fire. It's just a good excuse to go back then.

Just like I still haven't had soft shell crab in Baltimore. You're going to have to come back to Maryland. Yep. Soon, hopefully. Because that's a crime, apparently. I don't like crab. It's why we didn't do it when you were here before. Oh, that's right.

See, and that's probably why I didn't have any of it because Adam doesn't like it. Yeah. Yep. You were traveling with people that like that stuff. Yeah. any Indian food because Adam doesn't like it. Yeah. Yep. You were traveling with people that like that stuff. Yeah. And we were only in London for a little bit. We spent most of our time in Paris, so it was not something that I really cared about.

Anyway, so yeah, happy birthday. Thank you. I'll be eating delicious Indian food tomorrow. We might go see a play. I don't know exactly what day we're going to do it, but we're going to go see Coriolanus at the National. Oh, okay. So a Shakespeare history play that I haven't seen. So- Of course.

That'll be fun. That'll be so fun. We're going to get some culture. And I think I'm going to plan as a birthday treat to myself, a day trip to Bath. Oh, Bath was so beautiful. Yeah, I remember you said it was your favorite part of the trip. It was.

Of your trip to England. So I'm going to do that as my birthday treat. We were watching football on the telly in the puppy. Nice. It was so good. And it was, yeah, that was a great trip. I loved that area. I wish I could go with you.

Why is the teleportation one of my superpowers? I don't know. Or the technological advancement that science has been focusing on. We don't need AI. No, because then everyone could do it. I just want me to be able to do it. I promise I would only use it for very selfish reasons. I don't want anybody else to be able to teleport.

That's not true. Okay, what if I can teleport other people of my choosing? Yes, there you go. There you go. But then Kelsey, I'd like, I swear, you would have to set some very firm boundaries. I would only tell a very, very, I wouldn't even tell people.

I would just be like, hey, do you wanna do this? And then I would teleport you and then you would know. And then I'd be like, if you tell anyone, I'll kill you. Right, but then I would text you and say like, hey, traffic is really terrible right now. Can you just teleport to me and then teleport me to work real quick? Just real quick. It'll take two seconds. You know what? For you, absolutely. Yeah, you'd do that for me? For you, absolutely.

Aw, you love me. Yeah, definitely. Every day. That would be … Oh my gosh. That would be… Oh my gosh. I would be like, but we also have to get coffee first. Easy. There's coffee at my job. Yep. There's coffee.

Is it good coffee? It's an… Oh yeah, yeah, of course it is. I work for the markets, so there's an actual cafe at my job so we can… I was literally imagining you at a shitty corporate job for some reason. You could have either very nice coffee from the market or you can have the shitty Keurig coffee from my office. Yeah. That's what I was picturing for some reason. The market portion of your job didn't

come to my brain at all. No, that's hilarious. I like that better. That's what you'd get. And I was like- To come to me directly to my office. And I was also imagining you sitting at your office having a cup of shitty coffee working while I stand behind you watching you work. And I have a shitty cup of coffee and I'm like, why am I doing this?

I don't know why. I forgot how fun your job is. Yeah, my job is fun now. That was weird. Anyway. No, that's funnier though if I imagine I teleport you to a corporate office and you can have a shitty cup of coffee with me at my desk before you. You're having a meeting with your boss and I'm just sitting there in the background like

sipping my coffee. Loudly sipping out of one of the paper cups from the... No. I don't have time for that. I got to teleport to, I don't know. That would be great. London for Indian food. You know what?

I think I've talked about how we like we did like the Cinderella wishes. No, not Cinderella. Sleeping Beauty wishes. Sorry, I had cylinder with Cinderella on the brain, I guess, for some reason. For some reason. We haven't been talking about it or anything. Boop.

But. Beep. Yeah. You forgot to bleep that one. One of the last names. So everyone in the whole world messaged us to let us kindly know that we missed one of the last names. We said, don't add us.

We said, don't add us about it. I missed one, whatever. He's never going to listen to the podcast. I feel like you mostly said really nice things about him anyway. No, we totally did. Except for the part where you victim blamed him for getting hit by a car. Whatever. He was a high schooler. I'm sure it was his fault. It probably was.

Like I said, until you convinced me otherwise, it was your fault. Anyway, so I changed my Cinderella wishes. I don't remember. Anyway, so I changed my Cinderella wishes. I don't remember. Fuck, sleeping beauty wishes. You're sleeping beauty wishes. I don't remember what they were, but I feel like it was to just be ready every day. But now I just want to be able to teleport.

OK. I mean, I think that's honestly, I think that's way better than just being ready. Yeah. Because then you can take the time to get ready because you can be at work like that. Exactly. I do hate getting ready though.

I hate it every day. It does. Every day I wake up and I go, ugh. It doesn't even take that long. I just don't like it. But at the same time, I know what you mean. My getting ready routine is very simple and I still resent doing it because it's basically, I get up and I shower and I put on my moisturizer and some mascara and I'm done.

The whole process takes 15 minutes, but I still hate doing it. Maybe it's just like the waking up part and being tired that makes, like I associate with getting ready, you know? Yeah, it's the grogginess. Yeah. I just don't like being sleepy. Yeah. Anyway, I have some important news. Okay.

Good news, right? I have some important, very important news. Okay. Good news, right? I have some important, very important news. Did you see that Mav's Media is releasing eight different Ruth Manning Sanders books? Yes, I did. I did. I did. And then. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I screamed at the one that you're about to talk about. Okay, so they are releasing eight books. Everybody go over to Mabs underscore media. It's M-A-B-S underscore media. And they're coming out with eight Ruth Manning Sanders books.

The first one is a book of charms and changelings, a book of sorcerers and spells, a book of cats and creatures, which I'm really stoked for because I actually have an old version of this book, but it is falling apart and I get scared to open it because all the pages are like… Yeah. So you want to keep one for sort of like the archive and then one that you can actually play with. Yeah, like read from.

Yeah. And then a book of Spooks Inspectors, which I had never heard of and the artwork for that is wild. Have you seen it? No. Here, I'm going to send you the link to their Instagram page real fast so you can look at it. And there's a skeleton.

Oh my God. Oh, I love the Spooks Inspector's one. That is a weird little owl, but it's like a little, it's an owl man with arms. In like scales maybe? We got to read that story. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, that rules.

Okay, but do go on. Number five is a book of giants. Six is a book of wizards, which is very cool. I don't feel like we get enough wizards. We don't. A book of magic animals. And number eight, a choice of magic. Ah!

Which I honestly did not think was gonna happen. And when they posted that, I lost my absolute fucking mind. I'm so excited. I'm going to buy each and every one of these. Every single one because they've all got great stories, but a choice of magic. We've talked about it on the podcast all the time. Those are a selection from every one of the Ruth Banting Sanders collections. If you're going to buy only one, buy that one. You should buy every single one to be clear because they've all got great stories. But A Choice of Magic is the crème de la crème, the best stories across the board from each collection. I love it so much. It's my favorite book. I agree

with Kelsey. My old library copy is something I would save if there was a fire. Yep. Absolutely. So exciting. I probably have already done a giveaway at this point, but I bought a bunch of Ruth Manning Sanders books. I want to do a giveaway. Please, I don't know, go and follow Mab's media, review them on Amazon or bookshop.org, five stars only please. And I don't know, throw any love you can at like their way. Cause they are, I'm just doing, doing the Lord's work. Absolutely. Or the devil's work.

I don't know. Both. Divine work of some kind is what they're doing. Exactly. I'm so excited. Please bless us everyone. Amen. I'm so stoked.

Very excited. Also speaking of books, books that we love, we got a book from one of our listeners named Mai. Oh, oh, okay. It's called The King's Equal. And I know this is- What is it? So it's like, it's called, it's a trophy picture book. It's just a book called The King's Equal.

And Mai actually wrote like a little message about it that I'm going to read to you. And also Mai, sorry this has taken so long and I feel like you sent this ages ago. We really appreciate it. I'm just bad at remembering stuff. So I really appreciate it. I'm so excited to read it. We're definitely going to talk about it on the podcast once we actually both go through it. But Mai said, back in elementary school, my teacher read The King's Equal in class to promote the upcoming Scholastic Magazine fundraiser. Amazing memories. Yes. Oh, flashback. The best.

Mai says, I scrounged up enough money to purchase the book as I loved it so much. I still have the book to this day, a little worse for wear from the repeated readings. Love it. I hope you find it as satisfying as I did. It is a little long for the podcast, so feel free to enjoy it how you see fit. And then my also goes on to like, okay, I feel like I talked about this a little bit, but she also has a really interesting point. She said, I think you would find this interesting. I'm half Norwegian and my Norwegian family has a bit of a reputation of reading fairy tales. Ooh, okay. I fucking love you and your family, Mae.

While I can't claim to be a folklore expert or verify the certainty of this, I can give one possible explanation as why Nordic fairy tales are so violent with horses. Yes, oh, finally. Mae, I love you. I know this is sick. I love this. This is so good. Horses were a valuable asset prior to vehicles. To sacrifice a horse was a big deal. Some would sacrifice a horse as payment to cast or break a spell. All magic comes with a price. If one were to curse their neighbor, the horse's head would be mounted on a post and turn the direction of the residence of the cursed. In fairy tales, and this is my unverified opinion, says Mai, the chopping of

the head is the cultural significance of breaking the curse. When the horse begs us of the protagonist, as shocking as it sounds, it is much more shocking to the people from which the stories came. It makes the stories that much more impactful. That's such a good point. That's a a good point. That's a great explanation. Like, damn. Okay. I know you said you weren't an expert in folklore, but are you sure?

Because that makes so much sense. That sounds very plausible. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Sorry that took so long. We got this book like a while ago, but thank you so much. And I'm so excited to read it. And I'm going to read it and then I'm going to send it to

Abby so she can read it. Oh my God. I'm so excited to read it. Like especially, like I also have such a love for the Scholastic Book Fair. I discovered a lot of like childhood favorites that way. So just, I don't know, just like a great blast in the past that like this, that way. Just a great blast in the past that this book fair was so great for so many kids. Do you remember your favorite book fair book? I have two. Tommy. One of them is a book called The Snowfilly. The Snowfilly. Oh, so that's a horse, right? Obviously, it's a horse book. Right. Obviously, it's a horse book. Cute.

It's a book about a wild horse in Australia. I remember it as kind of a harrowing survival novel for this horse. It had an entire structure for the herd. She had a horse boyfriend who led their herd or whatever. I was obsessed with this book. I honestly, looking back on it, I think it might have been a little old for me. Those are always fun. Because it was just kind of depressing and sort of like a lot as far as the details of like the horrors a horse might go through trying to survive a snowstorm or a being picked up by people. Anyway, that sounds exactly like something, especially with a horse boyfriend. I feel like, man, I would have loved that as a kid. Right? I wish we had been friends

in elementary school. I know. I think we would have been great friends in elementary school. I think so. What was the other one? The other one, Scholastic Book Fair was how I discovered Animorphs. Oh, hell yes. Which I have never shut up about and I will never shut up about. Everybody should read it. God, you know, I kind of want to grab some of those books and read them. Just like… If you are interested, there is a link on the interwebs.

I will send it, they are all uploaded for free because the author is also hella cool because they've been out of print for a while. And so the author gave her consent to have all of them uploaded for free to this website so they can continue to be enjoyed. So I will send you that link if you want. I might have to read a couple. I don't know. I also like buying books and, I don't know,

supporting the authors as much as possible. I know, but Animorphs is unfortunately out of print. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah. It would be difficult to find them. You'd have to eBay a lot of it probably. Okay. Good point. Yeah. Man, those are choice. They're so good. So many books. I saw, I think, and it was also horse related.

The one that I picked is, I still have it. Hang on. I love that you still have it. I still have it. The one that I chose was the one of Cassie turning into a horse on the cover. Of course. Of course, of course. It's a girl becoming a horse on the cover of this. I must read it. I had no idea. It was about an alien invasion. Dude, that was my dream as a child. I was also a little bit of a horse girl. I don't really talk about it that much because I didn't have a horse, but I wanted to be a horse. I wanted

to be able to turn into a horse. That was my dream. Absolutely. 12 year old. To be like so fast and beautiful and powerful and. That movie Spirit. That was like. Oh yeah. Speaking of horse boyfriends. That horse was hot. That horse had no business being that hot. That horse was hot. That horse had no business being that hot. Oh, that's so good. I love that so much. Yeah, we would have been great friends in elementary school.

We probably would have been too nervous to talk about what we... You know what I mean? We'd been like, oh, you're not going to think that's cool. 100%. I was deeply ashamed to discuss the things that I actually thought were interesting or fun or cool until I was at least 17. Maybe you and I became close friends at the right time. That's probably true. My favorite scholastic book was, it was this book called One Small Fish. I don't know if I've talked about it on the podcast.

It's really just like a picture book, but it's so cute because it's like this girl looks at an aquarium and sees a fish and then she's just, I think she's just daydreaming because her whole classroom fills up with water and it starts becoming an ocean. It's just like really poetic descriptions of all these different schools of fish and what she sees. And then it's like at the end of the school day or whatever it's about the classroom. The water like leaves the classroom and all the fish like go home and then at the very last line is like but one small fish follows me home and it's like like that's her imagination and it's so cute. I was obsessed with that book. So that was, yeah. So cute.

That's so cute. I love that. I don't own it. I think I actually just checked it out like a million times. Oh, okay. Yeah. So I don't think I like bought it at the School Elastic Book Fair.

I don't remember buying a lot of books. I remember checking them out of the library a lot and doing the same ones over. Valid, yeah. My elementary school teacher librarian actually gifted me another book that I read a ton called Silverwing. It's about a bat. I loved that book. Yeah. She gifted it to me because they were getting rid of a bunch of old books. So she was like, here, you can have it. I remember you loved this one. I have that one. Oh, that's sweet.

Oh, that's good. I'm glad you still have that one. Another gift from someone who just saw you as a kid. Yeah. Anyway, today, I am reading from this incredible book, and I am reading The Twins and the Snarling Witch. Holy shit, that sounds amazing. It is amazing. You will enjoy it. Yes, it's good. It is a Russian fairy tale because you were telling me I needed to do more Russian fairy tales. Kelsey, I made a boo-boo. I still love that though. What?

I really only skimmed this. I'm confessing it right now. This is exactly the same story you told last week. Is it? Wait, what story did I tell? It was like a young girl though, right? I don't think she had… This is just a variation on it. That's why I thought it was different, but I'm actually looking at it now.

I really only skimmed it. I was like, this looks fun. And then… That's now. I really only skimmed it. I was like, this looks fun. That's okay. I totally understand. Well, good, because now my predictions, I get a do-over. Now you got a random read, a different story. I've got a random read, something else. Anyway, it's exactly the same story. I'm so sorry. Now I'm afraid. You know what? We're going to start getting to that point in the podcast where we accidentally read

a couple things that we've read before. Also, a lot of them do have the same kind of motifs. They do. Not a big deal. The story right behind this one is called Esben and the Witch. I'm for it. Let's do it. Let's do it. We'll see what happens. All right. Why don't you make some predictions since you're random reading?

This is a good witch. A good witch. That is a hot take. Hot take. Hot, spicy take. Poisoned food. Poisoned food. Ooh, poisoned food. Wait, where is this from? What's the region?

That's very important. Oh, it's a Danish story. Ooh, okay. Damsel. All right, there's a damsel. My predictions are that the witch wants to eat Esben. Nice. I'm going to roll it over.

My prediction is that the witch is hot. I don't think she's good, but I think she's hot. Okay, great. Love it. I mean, in fairy tales, hotness equals goodness, but. That's true. Well, not always. The witch maidens.

In this book, there are a few. That's fair. They were pretty hot. Never mind. I take back what I said. This book has a couple hot witches in it. All right. Fair enough. God, do you remember that one with the like, the witches on the lake? I think that's in this book. Ugh, that story was so fucking good. It was so good until it wasn't, until the very end.

The witch wants to eat Espen. The witch is hot. And lastly, I predict that there's a cat. I love it. I love a cat. Okay. Espen and the witch. Once upon a time, there was a man who had 12 sons. 11 of these sons were big, lusty lads, but the 12th, whose name was Esben, was only a little fellow. The 11 elder brothers despised Esben and thought nothing of him. It is rude. That's the opposite of the 12 swans. It is. You got to protect him.

Espen's a little sweet baby angel. I know, but no, he is at the bottom of this hierarchy. All right. That means he's going to be awesome. He's the hero. He, obviously. It's in the title. I mean, we did already know that, but still. he's going to be awesome. He's the hero. He obviously, it's in the title.

We did already know that, but still. It was only Esben's mother who had a soft corner for him in her heart. So Esben mostly stayed at home and helped his mother while his 11 brothers worked with their father in the fields. I really wish the mother was the witch. The mom, the mother was the witch. Oh, possible fix. Hold that thought. Okay. Now when these 11 sons were grown to be men, they went to their father and said, naturally,

the thing that they all say, father, give us each a horse and a sum of money. It is time for us to go out into the world. Mm-hmm. Yup. Oh, no, my son said their father, I am growing old. Stay with me that my last years on earth may be free from trouble. All right. Which, honestly, fair.

Yeah, that's a fair request. Yeah. Can at least one of you? My body's breaking down. But no, they would go. They plagued and plagued their father until in the end, he had to agree. So they each got from him a fine white horse and a sum of money and off they went. For 12 of them or 12 of them? 11. 11 of them. 11 of them, right. The 12th son, the shrimp, stays home and helps his mom. When they had gone, Esben said, Father, give me also a horse and a sum of money

that I may go out into the world like my brothers. You are a little fool, said his father. I will give you neither horse nor money, but if I could have kept your brothers at home and sent you away, it would have been better for me in my old age. Okay, no more sympathy for him. No, yeah.

Fuck you. Maybe those 11 brothers, I don't know, they also hate Espen. Yeah. But you know what, they probably got it from their dad. Exactly. It's toxic masculinity. Exactly, it's toxic masculinity. He doesn't like his shrimpy son

and he passed it on to all of his other Yep. strapping lusty lads. Yeah. Lusty lads. I hate that. Okay. Well, well, said Espen, I think you will soon be rid of me then. Yeah. Bye. Fuck you. Since he couldn't get a horse, he went off into the woods and looked among the trees till he found a branch to his liking. And when he had found a branch to his liking, he cut it down and chopped it and chipped it into the semblance of a horse, leaving four strong twigs for its four legs,

a knobby end for its head, and a thin end for its tail. Oh my god. Is this a magic horse? This is already a better magic horse story than the straw horse. Yeah. No, no, sorry. The straw horse is great. The straw horse is amazing. The one where the magic horse was like it was actually a magic cow that they made out of reeds or whatever. I can't remember the story. Oh my gosh. I'm getting really stoked. This is exciting. Okay. So this is great. Next, he peeled off the bark and polished the wood till it shone more whitely than his brother's horses. Having done all that, he got a stride it and sang out, fly quick, my little stick, carry me into the world.

It sounds to me like Esben is the witch. I fucking love that if that's true. It's Esben and the witch, they're the same person. It's like a fight club situation. Please, I hope that's what it is. How fucking good would that be? That'd be amazing. And the stick kicked up the four strong twigs that were its four legs and galloped away with him after his brothers. Awesome.

Awesome. The 11 brothers had been riding along all day and toward nightfall, they came to a great forest. They rode on through the forest and now it was growing dark. So seeing a house among the trees, they went to it and knocked at the door. Here's our witch. Out came a frightful old woman. Give her time.

The story's not over. Mumbling with her lips and peering with her eyes like you do. The old woman was a witch, but the brothers didn't know it. Why should 11 lusty young men be afraid of one old woman, however ugly? Why should they? I really hate saying lusty so much. I know. I love that too.

That makes them sound really hot. I don't know. Honestly, they're probably pretty hot. They asked if they might lodge there for the night and she said, yes, and left them in. She's like, hell yeah. Okay. Hell yeah. I'm old.

I'm not dead. Plot twist. The witch had 13 daughters. Oh, sh- Are you sure of this? Sure what? I don't know. This is like the beginning of a porno. Sure what? I don't know. This is like the beginning of a porno. Right? Oh my God, I hope all of her daughters are witches and they kill them all. I mean.

Me too. Okay, sorry. I just realized this is a physical medium. Oh, sorry, audio medium. I'm crossing my fingers, listeners. You can't see me. I'm also hoping that they're all witches. No, they're all

witches. No, they're all going to be like, see this from this witch. Anyway. I hope not. Boring. The witch had 13 daughters and though they were not pretty, they were also not so very ugly. I don't know what that means. Honestly, I think that was from the brothers' perspective and their assholes. They're mid. They're just mid. They're mid. I don't know what that means. Honestly, I think that was from the brothers' perspective and their assholes. So.

They're mid. They're just mid. They're mid. I think the brothers are also just dicks. They're like, I guess they're okay. They're all right. They're probably gorgeous. And after they had slept, they went to bed in a great room,

which had 24 beds in it, 11 for the brothers, and 13 for the witch's daughters. Why does she have such a big house if she's a witch in the middle of the woods? Maybe it's bigger on the inside than it looks. I like that. It's a magic. That's perfect. Always good.

Now all this time, Espen's little stick had been carrying him along after his brothers, and it brought him to the door of the witch's house. And there Esben dismounted, leaned his stick against the doorpost, and crept quietly into the house. He went upstairs without anyone seeing him and hid himself under one of the beds. And there he waited until midnight. Okay, creeper. Right? Yes, I know. By this time, his 11 brothers and the witch's 13 daughters were all sleeping soundly and Esben took the night caps.

The night caps? They're all wearing night caps. Esben took the night caps off his brother's heads and the night caps off 11 of the witch's daughters. And he put the brother's night caps on the daughter's and the daughter's night caps on the brother's. Oh, that's a prank. That what, I mean.

Prank Sinatra over here. Prank Sinatra over here, episode title, Contenter. Are they that different looking? Why are they all wearing night caps? I'm imagining they're all wearing the same dorky night caps. Yeah. His brothers have lice and he's trying to give it to the witch's daughters. Are they going to wake up? I don't understand what's going on at all. Okay, predictions.

What do we think is going to happen to them because of the nightcap switching? They're going to be mad or they're going to be like, I wouldn't wear a woman's cap. I don't know. That's the first thing that's popped into my mind. I think it's a body swap. It's a body switch. Like their minds switch? Yeah. Because Espen's a body swap. It's a body switch. Oh, like their minds switch? Yeah. Because Esben's a witch. Esben is the witch. Esben's the witch.

Oh my God. Yeah. And he's hot, so Kelsey gets a point. Okay. I don't know. He's not a lusty lad. Yeah, but he sounds cute. He does sound cute. So then he hides under the bed again after he does his great prank. Oh, it's such a good prank. By and by, in came the witch treading softly as a cat. Oh my God, now I know what's going to happen. There we go.

All right, I'm stoked. Oh my God, this is fucked up. And she had an axe in her hand. Yeah, she did. Hell yeah. No. This is fucked up. She had an axe in her hand. Hell yeah. No. Ah. It was so dark that with her bleary old eyes, she couldn't see a thing.

But she went feeling among the sleepers. When she felt a man's nightcap, so it is different, she chopped off the head that wore it. No. I know, this is so fucked up. So it came about that she chopped off the heads of 11 of her daughters. When the 11th head was off, she crept out again, treading softly as a cat and was well pleased with herself. Hey, softly as a cat, not an actual cat, but I appreciate the imagery. That's fucked up. That's fucked up.

Wow. Okay. Well, you know what? Esben's not hot anymore because he saved his brother's lives at the expense of these 11 women who had done nothing to him and his brothers were fucking awful. And his brothers hate him? Yeah. Wow. Esben's not hot anymore or cute. I don't like him. This is a sexist story. I hope he dies.

He won't. He's our hero. I don't love this. I've got some fixes already. The witch went to her bed and snored. As soon as Esben heard the witch snoring, he wakened his brothers and they rose up in a terrified haste, escaped from the house, took their horses and rode off. Did they thank Esben for the essential murder that he committed? No. They forgot to do that. It literally says they forgot to do that. Oh my God. So Espen waited until the sound of their galloping horses dwindled and then he got a stride, his little stick and sang out, fly quick, my little stick, carry me after my 11 brothers. You're welcome.

Yeah. Oh my God. I don't know. Has been some murderer now. Well, I mean, which was technically, but. Okay. The witch was, he just, but he had a hand in directing who the murder victims are going to be, which means he sucks instead of preventing the murders altogether. Yeah. Like you couldn't have just, I don't know, maybe he's like taking the axe or, I mean, she's an old lady. You should have stolen her axe or something. Then they all could have escaped together anyway.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Anyway, so 11 girls are dead because Saspin sucks. They weren't hot, but they weren't not hot, and so they didn't deserve to die. They were not hot. They were average. They were just some average girls. They weren't even witches. This is problematic as hell.

Yes, it is. The stick kicks up the four twigs that were its four legs and galloped away with him along the road his brothers had taken. In the morning, the brothers crossed a river and arrived at a king's palace. They asked if they could be taken into service. Yes, they could if they were content to be stablemen. Otherwise, the king had no use for them. It's true. So, stablemen they became to look after all the king's horses. Later in the morning came Esben riding on his little stick. He too asked to be taken into service at the palace, but no one had any use for him. He

was but a little fool, they told him. He's going to murder you. I know. Don't fucking mess with Esben. Don't mess with Esben. However, the cook took pity on him and gave him some food. He did little jobs for the cook and the cook was amused by his comical ways and went on giving him food. So he was able to stay on at the palace and as to his bed, any old corner would do for that. Okay, I'm starting to feel bad for Espen again. I'm scared of Espen. Yeah.

Fair enough. To be frank. Yeah. Now, there was a knight at the palace called Sir Red who flattered the king and had won his favor. But he was a bad, cruel man. And except for the king, everyone hated him. Yeah, he was a bad, bad man. He's a bad, he's a very bad. The king just loves.

He's a baddie. Nevertheless, Sir Red, being the king's favorite, gave himself heirs. When he strutted about the palace or out onto the grounds, he expected everyone he met to stand at attention for him. And since Esben's 11 brothers saw no reason why they should do this, Sir Red was furious and determined to ruin them. All right. Because they're assholes. And that's a double-edged sword because sometimes it's really funny when assholes meet each other. Yes, for sure. Everyone's a fucking asshole in this movie. Battle of the assholes. Sorry. Battle of the assholes.

Asshole battle royale. So one day, Sir Red went to the king and said, Those new stablemen of yours are cleverer than you think. I overheard them talking this morning and they said that if they chose, they could get you a wonderful dove which is all covered with gold and silver feathers. One feather gold, the next feather silver, the next gold, the next silver and so on. But they did not choose to go on such an errand, they said, and would not unless they were threatened with death. This is a little complicated, so red. Yeah, this is. Yeah. You could have said they think you're

stupid and ugly and boring, and then the king probably would have killed them. Yeah, that's true. But again, prank Sinatra over here, setting them sent on an impossible quest. Just got to, I don't know. It's so complicated. It's much. It's too complicated. This prank is a little much. The other prank was a simple nightcap switcheroo. It wasn't enough. Sir Red is extra. And ended in the death of 11 women. Of 11 women. We'll see what happens this time. Oh my gosh. It couldn't be worse. The king said, I would like to possess such a bird, Sir Red said. Then send for your stableman. The king said for the brothers and said, I

hear you have been boasting that you can get me a dove with feathers of gold and feathers of silver. I love mixed metals. That's very trendy. I love mixed metals. Very trendy. The brothers were astonished. All 11 of them declared that they had never said any such thing, nor did they believe that such a bird existed. The king said, take your choice. I will give you three days. Bring me the bird or lose your heads. Freaking kings. Right? Just my way or the highway all the time. Absolutely. I own you and your lives and I can take them if you can't bring me an impossible

thing. This is like all toxic masculinity. It is. I don't love it. Toxic masculinity, the story. There was only one witch and she's out of the story already. I know. She's already gone.

Where is she? I hope she comes. She better come back because otherwise I'm going to be just as annoyed with this as I was with the story in Book of Magic Horses, where it was actually a magic cow. Unless they explicitly state, Espen is the witch. How do you make a horse out of sticks? I think Espen's the witch. I don't know. We'll see what else he does in this story. Anyway, the brothers have missed the obvious solution to their problem, which is to just leave and

never come back. They go back to their work lamenting bitterly, and Esben finds them weeping and wailing and says, What's the matter now? Little fools, said they. What good in telling you, you can't help us. Oh, you don't know, said Espen. I helped you before. So in the end, they told him how within three days they must get the king a dove with feathers of gold and feathers of silver or lose their heads. So lose our heads we shall, they wailed, for there is no such bird in all the world. Oh, you don't know that, said Espen. Give me a bag of peas and perhaps I can help you. Because he's a witch.

Because he's a witch. Peas, peas, peas, they cried. What good are peas to doomed men? Go away, little fool, and leave us to our misery. But Espen wouldn't go away, and at last the brothers gave him a bag of peas to get rid of him. He takes the bag of peas and he rid of him. He takes the bag of peas and he gets a striatus white stick and he's saying out, fly quick, my little

stick, carry me across the stream. Oh, the witch is back. Yes. Or did the witch ever leave? There's the question because Espen is the witch. Straight away, the stick carried him across the river and into the witch's courtyard. For Espen, with sharp eyes, never missed anything, and he noticed that the witch indeed had a dove with alternate gold and silver feathers. That's really lucky. That's lucky. Unfortunately, you cut off 11 of her daughter's heads or made her do it anyway. She's not going to be happy about that. No.

Now he shook the peas out of the bag onto the flagstones of the courtyard and down fluttered the dove to pick them up. Esben had at once caught the dove, put it in the bag and was astride his stick again before the witch caught sight of him. But just as he was galloping his stick out of the courtyard,

the witch saw him and came running and shouted after him, is that you Esben? Yes. Yes. It's even like the words even are kind of like elongated the yes. That's amazing. Is it you that has taken my dove?

Yes. Was it you that made me kill my eleven daughters? Yes. Little cheeky bastard. Are you coming again? That may be, said Espen. Then you'll catch it, shouted the witch. The stick carried Espen and the dove back to the king's palace.

The brothers took the dove to the king. The king was overjoyed to have such a beautiful bird, and in return, he gave the brothers both silver and gold. But they never thought of thanking Esben for what he had done for them. Oh, fuck them. They suck. Fuck them, yeah. Sir Red was furious. His prank didn't work. His silly little, I'm going to get you murdered prank. Boys will be boys. Boys will be boys because boys take things too far. He went to the king and said, so your stablemen have brought you the dove, but that after all is not the best they can do. I heard them boasting they could, if they were so minded,

get hold of a boar with tusks of gold and alternate gold and silver bristles. Wow. The king said, I should like to possess such a marvelous boar. I bet. The witch doesn't have that exact boar. Like.

Doesn't she though? God damn it. Doesn't she though probably? I don't know. That's so convenient. I feel like Red specifically knows that these things exist. That's funny. Maybe he's like, I hate the witch and I hate these guys. I don't care who kills who. Oh, you know what? That could be a potential fix for the story is like inventing a backstory for Red where like maybe he's the witch's son. Oh, I love that.

Like, and he genuinely thinks that the witch is going to win. So he's like, oh, yeah, go to my grandma. I've heard that there's this thing. Mm-hmm. She'll kill them. So essentially, basically the exact same thing happens. The king summons the brothers. He says, I would like that boar. And the brothers say, what the fuck?

We've never heard of such a thing. And the king says, liar, bring me the boar or die. The king needs to chill out. No, he won't. He doesn't have to do shit, Kelsey. He's rich and the king. That doesn't mean he doesn't need to chill out. He should chill out. He should. I feel like Red, the witch, all the sons and Esben need to eat the king.

Ooh, that's a funny fix. Feed the king to the witch. Eats the rich. That a funny fix. Feed the king to the witch. Eat the rich. That's my fix. Oh, amazing. Okay, yes, I love it. That's my fix too until we like, so far at this point in the story, it's someone should eat the king.

Mm-hmm, yeah. So the brothers lament, they sat in the stable among the king's horses wailing and beating their breasts and then Esben came, wailing and beating their breasts. And then Esben came to them. Their lusty breasts. Their lusty breasts. Sorry. Esben comes, he asks, what's the matter?

They say, oh, what's the use of telling a little fool like you, you can't help us, even though you've helped us twice before. I want to smack all of these men so badly. And Espen. Espen needs a good smack too. Stop saving them. Quit letting your love for your family rule your life. You know what?

Even for family, love is earned and they have not earned your love. Facts. Facts. Oh, facts. No printer. Oh my God. Okay. Sorry.

I don't know if that's even right, but I love that. I fucking love that saying. Okay. Esben tells them to give me a sack of malt and perhaps I can help you. And they fetch him a sack of malt. He takes a sack, gets a stride, his little white stick and sings out, fly quick my little stick, carry me across the stream. For he had noticed that the witch possessed such a boar as the king asked for. Of course she does because she's amazing.

Off galloped the stick over the river and into the witch's courtyard. There Esben emptied the malt out of the bag. Then came the boar with tusks of gold and alternate gold silver bristles. The boar was snuffling at the malt, but Esben quickly drew the sack over him and tied it tight. He was astride his stick again with the sack in his arms before the witch caught sight of him. But as the stick was galloping out of the courtyard, she came running and shouted, Is that you, Esben? Yes. I love your witch voice. Thank you. Me too. Makes me adore her even more. I know, she's the best. Poor lady. Is it you that has taken my pretty more? Yes.

Was it you that took my dove? Yes. Was it you that made me kill my 11 daughters? Yes. It's all exclamation points. Yeah. Yeah, at least he's not a liar. It's all exclamation points. Yeah. At least he's not a liar. He's smug about it too. Oh, yeah. He's actually kind of proud of himself because every single man in this story fucking sucks. Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Are you coming back again? That may be, said Espen. Then you'll catch it, said the witch. God, I wanted to have a, I wanted to eat husband so badly.

Me too. Ugh, she'll get him in the end. And the king. And all of them. And all the brothers. I don't really hate Red. No. I don't really understand why everybody hates him. I guess maybe he's like... I guess he's like, I think he sounds like he's kind of annoying. Yeah. Maybe he's just really I guess he's like, I think he sounds like he's kind of annoying. Yeah. Maybe he's just really good at his job.

Maybe he's just really good at his job and everybody's like mad at him for that. Maybe. Just saying. I like the idea that maybe Red is trying to feed all of these people to his mother. That'd be so good. That's still my fix so far. Okay. So, the stick carried Esben and the boar back to the king's

palace. The brothers took the boar to the king. They again forgot to thank Esben for what he had done for them. The king is pretty stoked about his gold and silver boar. He promotes the brothers from stablemen to equaries. I don't know what that means. I don't either. Footmen maybe. No idea. Clothed them in fine garments and heaped gold and silver on them. I'm going to Google equary really quick. An officer of the British royal household who attends or assists members of the royal family. Okay. Historically, it was a senior attendant with responsibilities for the horses of

a person of rank. So yeah, I guess like a footman, like it's still horse related, but it's more important horse related work. Sir Red is not stoked. He does not like this. He went to the king and said, what those 11 brothers have done for you is nothing to what they could do. I heard them boasting. What? Just for what they could do. What they could do. They're nothing. Very cute. I heard them boasting that if they were so minded, they could get you a lamp that shines over seven kingdoms. Why would you even want that? Why would you even want that? I understand the other two items.

Yeah. But everything the light touches. Oh, maybe that's it. If he can light it, it's his. This is King Mufasa in human form. I am now envisioning James Earl Jones in a crown. RIP. James Earl Jones would never be this awful king.

You know what? Fair enough. I take that back, except for the RIP James Earl Jones. Yeah, no, you're right. He would never be this king. He would never. He's an actual king. Yeah. Thank you. Yes. Okay. So the same thing kind of repeats itself. King summons the brothers. He wants the lamp that shines over all seven kingdoms. The brothers are like, what the fuck even is that? We've never heard of such a thing. Why would anyone even want that?

Why would anyone even want that? The king says, I want it because I want it and I'm the king, and you'll get it or I'll kill you. They're like, fuck. Espen comes to them while they're all crying in the stable and they say, you're a fucking idiot. We hate you. You can't help us even though you've helped us three times already. Esben says, I've helped you three times already. You might as well tell me what the problem was. They do. He asks for a bushel of salt. They fetch him a bushel of salt. He takes the salt, gets a stride his white stick and sang out, quick, my little stick, carry me across the stream. Fork, you noticed that the witch had a lamp that shone over seven meters.

Yep, of course she does. She's got it all. She should be king. She should be king. That's Red's plan. Yes. That's such a good fix to the story. Oh boy. Okay, so here's my other question. If the lamp shines over seven kingdoms, is this not one of the seven that can see the lamplight or whatever? I do not. I have no idea.

This is the weirdest magical item I think we've had in a story. And useless. We should do a poll for most useless magical item. Some of them have been really cool and some of them have been just like, why would you want this? Why would you want that? What good does that do? Regardless, the witch has this thing. Yup. Esben's dick takes him over the river and into the witch's courtyard. The witch and

her two remaining daughters were in bed. Aw. I know. Aw. Grieving probably. Definitely. Esben got on the roof of the house and climbed down the chimney. He searched everywhere for the lamp, but it was one of the witch's greatest treasures. Somehow. She had it hidden away and Esben couldn't find it, So he thought, I must wait till daylight. If it's a lamp that shines over seven kingdoms, wouldn't it be easier to find in the dark? Yeah, but it's not on. You got to. That's probably true. You have to turn it on. You got to clap and turn it on.

You have to say, I do believe in fairies. So he crept into the baking oven. Oh, okay. That's promising. Which was still warm intending to sleep there. That's a terrible place to sleep, Espen. I don't even like you. And I'm like, get out of there. Damn, dude. He was nearly asleep when he heard the witch calling to one of her daughters, I have a powerful hunger on me. Get up lazy bones and make me some porridge. She's mean to her kids too. I mean, she's a witch.

That's true. I guess so. The daughter got out of bed, fit the fire and hung a pot filled with water over it. Doesn't sound lazy to me, but… No, she sounds industrious and like she knows what to do. Don't put any salt in the porridge, shouted the witch. I won't, said the daughter. She went out into the larder to fetch meal to make the porridge and Esben slipped out of the oven and emptied the whole bushel of salt into the pot. Then he got back in the oven.

The daughter came back, put the meal in the pot, cooked the porridge, and carried it up to the witch. The witch tasted it and screamed, You stupid wench! Didn't I say no salt? This muck is as salty as the sea. Go and make me some more. I thought you said extra salt. Yeah, right. There is no more water in the house, said the daughter. Give me the lamp that shines over seven kingdoms to light me for I must go to the well.

Why would you need that to go to the well? I know. Like light a candle, whatever. She's a lazy bones as we've heard. Okay, why would you need to take it? You could just turn it on, leave it where it is. Right, it shines over seven kingdoms or whatever. Yeah. Take it said the witch, and she told the daughter

where she had hidden the lamp, but have a care of it, she said, or you'll catch it. Or you'll catch it. I love that. Me too. So, the daughter took the lamp that shone over seven kingdoms, lit it, and went out to the well, and Esben slipped out of the oven after her. When the daughter got to the well, she set the lamp down on a stone and stooped over the well to draw up a bucketful.

Esben gave her a push from behind. She tumbled headfirst into the well. Esben seized the lamp, made off with it, and got astride his little white stick. Did he just murder another woman? She's not dead. The witch heard her daughter screaming and struggling in the well. Oh. She's not dead though.

Attempted murder. Attempted murder. Another crime laid at Espen's feet. Fucking Espen. Yes, seriously. For what? For what exactly? To help assholes get rich, I guess.

The witch sees Espen galloping away with the lamp that shone over Seven Kingdoms and she shouted after him, hey, is it you again, Espen galloping away with the lamp that shone over Seven Kingdoms and she shouted after him, Hey, is it you again, Espen? Yes. Was it you that took my dove? Yes. And was it you that stole my pretty boar? Yes. And was it you that made me kill my 11 daughters?

Yes. Now you have taken my lamp and pushed my 12th daughter into the well. Yes. Are you coming back again? That may be," said Espen. Then you'll catch it. Then you'll catch. Will he though? Will he? I don't think he will. She pats a lot of people with catching it and they never do. Anyway, here's a picture. No, it's still too blurry. I can't really. Well, it's essentially it's Espen on a broom or on his little stick. It doesn't look like a horse. It looks like a stick. It's a stick. It looks like a stick for sure. It's got like little twigs that could be legs. Interesting. Like a broom almost. It looks more like a broom than a legs. Interesting, but it's not.

Broom almost. It looks more like a broom than a stick. So Espen's the witch. Espen is definitely the witch. He's even flying away on a broom. He's the witch. Anyway, the Espen took the lamp to his brothers. The brothers took it to the king.

The king was stoked. The lamp lit up his whole kingdom and six other kingdoms as well. Yay, I guess. Hooray. I think the sun can do that just fine, but all right. Maybe it's like, you know, arcane electricity. Maybe by lit they mean it like keeps your house illuminated across all six kingdoms. I don't know. Which means when the king goes to bed, six kingdoms go to bed. He loaded the brothers with gifts and honors

and Esmond didn't get so much as a word of thanks from them. It was Sir Red who had to stand at attention now when the brothers walked past him with their noses in the air. He was eaten up with jealousy. He couldn't sleep for scheming for how to avenge himself. He's big pissed. Yeah, he's big pissed. One day he went to the king and said, All that the brothers have done is nothing to what they can do. They're boasting now that they know of a coverlet hung with golden bells. And this coverlet is so made that if anyone touches it, the bells give out a ring that can be heard over eight kingdoms.

Yay, again. Why would you want that? Maybe that might be more useless than lighting. I think it is. The electricity thing is kind of neat. That's like that's a neat idea. Just bells, I guess, and you get everybody's attention. From like a blanket too. It's like, so if I'm trying to sleep, the bells won't stop ringing so loudly they can hear it eight kingdoms away. Yeah, I don't think that's a good. I don't want that. Of course the king's gonna want it.

I don't think that's a good... Of course the king's gonna want it. And he does. Yeah, he does. He wants it all. He wants that. The brothers don't know where it is. They don't think it exists. The king thinks,

ah, they've gotten me every other piece of things. They've gotten me everything else I've ever asked for. They totally know where it is. Get it or I'll kill you. The brothers wail about it, Espen asks what's wrong. They say, you suck. You can't even keep yourself in clothes. How could you possibly help us? He's like, I've helped you a bunch at this point. Yeah, come on. They tell him about the coverlet. Esben thought that to get that coverlet would be the very

worst errand he had ever set out on for the coverlet was on the witch's bed. However, he could not do worse than fail. So he got his trident, his white stick and sang out, fly quick, my little stick, carry me across the stream. Is this the last item? I hope so. I kind of hope so too. The stick galloped with him across the river and into the witch's courtyard. It's nighttime. Espen gets on the roof, climbed down the chimney, and crept into the room where the witch was

sleeping, but the coverlets spread over her. But as soon as he touched the coverlets, the bells gave out a ring that could be heard over eight kingdoms, and the witch bounded up wide awake and caught Espen by the leg. Nice. Yes. Good. Yeah, Get him. Esben kicked and struggled. The witch held onto his leg and balled to her 13th daughter. Come and help me. Is the 12th daughter still

in the well? No, they got her out. Come on. I hope so. The daughter ran in and they both held Esben fast between them. They took him and they locked him up in a dark room. Excellent. Yeah, lock him up. Now we will fatten him up, said the witch, and when he is fat enough, we'll eat him. Yes. I get a point. The witch wants to eat Esben.

You get a point for Kelsey. Yes. Good job. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Everyone in the story is so greedy. Except the witch who just wants to live her life with her 13 daughters. Yeah, with her property, which, you know. Right. It's already hers. It's the 13th daughter's task to carry food for Esben, or the 12th daughter was ill in bed from

the fright and the dousing she had got when Esben pushed her into the well. Poor baby. Poor baby. She's sick. I would be terrified of him too. Yeah. The 13th daughter fed Esben on cream and nut kernels. She was kept busy cracking the nuts for him.

I am breaking every tooth in my head for you, she said, but I don't mind. You're a brave little fellow and I have come to like you. Why? He murdered your sisters. I know. Ugh, it's going to... I'm now afraid this is going to be a she's going to rescue him and they're going to get married or something. Yep.

Then you don't want me to be cooked and eaten, said Esben. No, I do not, said she, but what can I do? But that's the way it goes. I don't care enough to actually rescue at this point. One day, the witch bade this 13th daughter to chop off one of Esben's fingers and bring it to her that she might see whether he was fattening. Classic. The daughter came to – Classic stuff. It's a classic witch move. The daughter came to Esben and said,

I don't want to chop off your finger. So Esben told her to take an iron nail and wrap a bit of silk around it and take that to the witch who, like all witches, was dim-sighted. Witches have bad eyesight. That's funny. Witches have bad eyesight. All witches have bad eyesight. I feel like that stereotyping has been- Stereotyping is probably sexist because Espen is a male witch. Does Espen have bad eyesight? Interesting.

How does he know that? No. He's been sharp-eyed enough to pick out every single bit of prettiness that the witch has around her house. Yep. Takes one to know one. Also, are her daughters not witches? They definitely are.

I think this is all witch on witch crime. The witch bit on the nail and said, ugh, skinny little beggar. Fatten them up, girl. Fatten them up. The daughter took Esben more and more food. Some of it he ate, but most she ate. Oh no, I'm really hoping this isn't going to turn into Esben kicks her into the oven or something. He probably will. He's an asshole. He had all of her sisters killed anyway. Oh no. And Esben got weary of sitting in the dark having nothing to do but eat and he said,

let's make an end of it. He bade the daughter bring him some fat and a piece of skin and he rolled the fat up in the skin in the shape of a finger and said, take that to your mother. The witch bit on the false finger. Ha! She cried. Now he is fat. So fat one cannot feel a bone in him.

He is ready to be roasted. I feel like fingers aren't a good way to know if somebody is fat. No. I feel like that's the least reliable way. Yeah. I don't know. I don't see how that works. I don't either. I mean, you know, who might have judged witches in their methods? Best not to question. Now it happened that this was the very first time when all the witches sailed off on their

broomsticks for their yearly gathering on a hill called the Hill of Meeting. I love that. That's a great tidbit. Give me more of that. That's a great tidbit. Thank you. More witch culture, please. If any one of the witches missed this gathering, she was sorely

punished by the others, so the witch had to go. Before she went, she said to her 13th daughter, heat the oven and have Esben ready roasted by the time I come back. See that he is neither overdone nor underdone. If you don't cook him nicely, you'll catch it. You'll catch it. I love that. And she got on her broomstick and off she flew. The daughter went sniffling and snuffling to Esben and said, oh, what a pity. What a pity. Now I've got to roast you. Man. Esben said, if you have to roast me, you have to. Let's get it over. Oh, no. He's totally going to roast her. He's totally going to kick her into the oven.

He's terrible. I hate him. I hate him too. I mean, the witch is gone. Why can't they all escape? Anyway, it's fine. It's a good question. But also, I don't think she cares about him that much because she's like, well. Well, got to roast you. Sorry. I'm going to roast you alive now. It's a pity, but I'm going to. It's also not that much of a pity because you're the reason my sisters are dead. Or maybe her sister's sucked, just like his brother's suck. Who knows? Families are complicated. Families are complicated. Okay. So the 13th daughter let Esben out of the dark room and when they were both outside

the room, Esben said, oh, I've left my hat in there. I won't be roasted without my hat on my head. You go in and get it for me. And the 13th daughter went back into the dark room and Esben, of course, locks her in the room and he leaves her there. And he ran up to the witch's bedroom, seized the coverlet and fled with it into the courtyard where his little stick was propped against the wall. And he got to stride it and he sang out, "'Fly quick, my little stick, carry me to the king's palace.'"

I can't believe the 13th daughter is that stupid. Yep. Maybe she just really didn't want to roast him alive. And she's like, yeah, okay. No, I like that better that she knew. and she's like, yeah, okay. No, I like that better that she knew and she's like, well, all right. She's like, fair enough. I don't really want to roast you, so I'll pretend that I'm this dumb. So the coverlet, as soon as Espen touches it, it gives out a ring that can be heard

over eight kingdoms, including the Hill of Meeting. Yep. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. The witch hears it and comes flying back home on her broomstick. Her 13th daughter was banging on the locked door of the dark room and shouting, let me out. But the witch paid no attention to her. She saw Esben galloping out of the courtyard on his little stick and she came rushing after him shouting, is that you again Esben? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And took my dove. Yes. And my pretty boar. Yes. And pushed my 12th daughter into the well and took my lamp. Yes. And now locked my 13th daughter into the dark room and stolen my coverlet. Yes. And are you coming back again? No, never again.

No, he's done. He's done. He's taken everything she has that's worth taking. That's worth taking. Weirdly, when she heard that, the witch became so furious that she burst into a million pieces of flint. Oh my God. Just... The flint strewed the country far and wide, as you can see to this day. Oh my God.

The Flint strewed the country far and wide as you can see to this day. Nice. I love that. That's fun. Origin story for why there's just, I guess, a bunch of Flint just on the ground in Denmark. Cool. Cool. I love that she just gets so mad.

Yeah. When she hears he's not coming back. Yeah, that was her last time to get her revenge. I guess so. She screwed it up. She screwed it up. She should have, if he was gonna catch it, she should have made sure he caught it earlier. Yeah.

When Esben got back to the King's palace, he found his brothers in a bad way. They'd all been thrown in prison and were going to have their heads cut off the very next morning because they still hadn't produced the coverlet. But Esben gave the coverlet to the king. The king touched the coverlet and it gave a ring that could be heard over eight kingdoms. Woo. Woo. He was happy as could be thinking of how jealous the seven kings of the seven other kingdoms must be feeling. I actually love that for him.

It's funny. Look what I have. Ding, ding, ding. Neater, neater, neater. So, he let the other brothers out of prison and they at last remembered to thank Esben for all he had done for them. Oh, hey. Nice.

At last. At last. Better late than never, I guess. Esben told the king the whole story and the king ordered Sir Red to be whipped and driven out of the country. Why? Why? You have so many fabulous items because Sir Red told you about them.

Yeah. I mean, I guess I understand like, you know, he was trying to get them killed or whatever, but yeah, he's the reason you got all those things. Yeah, you're welcome. Even if it was shitty. But you clearly don't care about shitty behavior because you're willing to lop people's heads off for not bringing you stuff. Red told you about the stuff.

Red deserves a dukedom for telling you about the stuff. Yeah, he's the one that made it happen actually. Yeah, actually. But it is the brothers who get dukedoms, apparently, according to the story. He offers dukedoms to all 12 of the brothers. But the brothers whispered among themselves and said, truly with such a king, it is dukedom's today, but like is not, it'll be heads off tomorrow.

And they told the king they'd rather go home. You know what? That's the first smart thing they've done. Yeah, absolutely. Geez. The king, who was chuckling with delight over his dove, his boar, his lamp, and his coverlet, said, Let everyone do as he pleases, and he gave the brothers as much gold and silver as they could carry to take home with them.

Quick, get out. Whatever, go away. So they mounted their fine white horses and Esben followed after them on his little white stick and they all rode back to their parents. When the father saw his 12 sons coming, he wept for joy. He had never expected to see them again. The brothers now could not make enough of Esben. They told their father how he had five times saved their lives. The father said, So the fool of the family has turned out the best man of you after all. And the mother said, didn't I always know it? And they rejoiced and

held Esben in great esteem ever after. The end." Well, at least that was a nice ending for Esben. I guess. Truly the real witch in that story was Esben. Yeah, I like, 100%. Also, I was really expecting the stick to turn into an actual beautiful white mare or something. I know. But that's what makes us a witch story and not a magic horse story. Fair. Is that he essentially had a broomstick. Yeah. So it was not a good witch. No. Was there any? There was no poison food, just regular food. Was there a damsel? Were the Eleven Brothers the damsels?

I want to count it, yeah. All right, you got one point then. They were the damsels in distress this entire story. They really were. And then I got a point for the witch wants to eat Esben. And I'm going to say the witch wasn't hot because Esben wasn't hot and the other witch wasn't hot. Yep. None of the witches were hot.

And there was no cat. But there was a slight mention of a cat, which made me happy. It's not a point. She was quiet as a cat. But I feel like that's still a win in my heart. It's a win in spirit. It's a win in my heart. Yeah, if not in fact.

Oh, that was a long one. How do they wanna fix that one? Like what's your ultimate fix for this story? Cause man, that was a long story that I actually hated most of. Yeah, I think it would have been, Because man, that was a long story that I actually hated most of. Yeah. I think it would have been, I love the idea of Red being in cahoots with the witch. Me too.

And maybe that's why if the story ends in the same way, that's why the king sends him off or whatever. Sends him away. Okay. you know, sends him off or whatever. Sends him away, okay. But also I kinda want the witch to be successful in eating the king a little bit. Ooh, okay, all right, here's the fix. I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

This entire time. Well, like, cause like, why would Red want everyone to steal things from his mom if he was actually in cahoots with the witch. Because he was just, he wasn't, he didn't actually think that they would be successful in stealing the items. Maybe like he's trying to keep his mom well fed. Yeah. So maybe like one brother dies, no wait, this has been like he's coming back. I don't know. That was a long, that was a, I feel like there's a good fix, but it feels complicated in my head. You know, like.

It does feel, it feels, it feels very complicated. It's too many brothers. Okay, you know what? It's too many brothers, too many daughters. How about that? How about we fix it to just two older brothers and two older daughters. Maybe but all of those groups kind of came as a unit. Yeah. So it wasn't like they took up a lot of space in the story necessarily. Okay, here's my fix.

Esben doesn't rescue his brothers. They do get their heads lopped off by the witch at the very beginning of the story. Esben, with his burgeoning magical powers, becomes the witch's apprentice. That's the perfect fix. Then he ultimately gets with one of her daughters or whatever. All 13 of them. All 13 of them. All 13 of them. All 13 of them. What if at the very beginning he's thinking about switching the nightcaps and then he decides not to because he wants to be a witch?

Yes. Okay, there it is. That's the fix. He sees the witch doing a cool spell or whatever. And he's like, you know what? This is the life for me and my brothers suck. I'm going to stay here with these mildly attractive girls and their witchy mother. Mildly, these mids. These incredibly mid girls.

That's the fix and then the rest of the story doesn't happen. That's a hilarious fix. Sir Red comes home to visit every once in a while. Oh, and Esmond marries him. There we go. There it is. So it's also gay. That's perfect. I love it. Yeah, that was like a messy story. That was like a couple different fairy tale tropes that we've seen all in one. Yeah. I feel like maybe there was just a little too much going on in that one. There was too much happening. There were too many magic items. It really should have stuck to the rule of threes.

Yeah. I don't know. Espen just wasn't likable, in my opinion. He just seemed like he had issues and that he was trying too hard. He was trying too hard to get the approval of people who blow. Yeah, exactly. He's clearly clever and a witch and the best of all of them. He should just let them all die and then realize his full potential. He should have his self-respect era.

Yep. I keep wanting to call him Ivan. I feel like Espen is the Danish Ivan. Espen is probably the John of Denmark. Yeah, but he just needs to have some self-respect and stop trying to impress people that don't give a shit about him. Yep. And become a witch's apprentice. Hell yes. I love it.

Okay. Well, that story was fucking long. It was. I'm like, do we have time for mine or should we skip it? Whatever. It's pretty short. I say we just go for it. You know what?

I think our listeners would want a second story. Let's do it. Yeah. It'll just be a longer story. It's a long episode. It's fine. Plus, it's a Ruth Manning Sanders kind of Saturday and guess what? I got a book of devils and demons. Fuck yeah. I love October.

Happy Halloween everybody. I am super excited. I didn't know this book existed before and I'm really excited to have it. You can find the link for it in our show notes or just search Ruth Manning Sanders on Amazon or bookshop.org or wherever you get your books. The story I'm reading today is called Triple Trapple. There are three demons. Three demons. Okay. Strong start.

It's a literal Halloween story. A literal Halloween story. All right, give me one more. Somebody makes a deal. Somebody makes a deal. All right, without further ado. Adieu. I love saying that.

Triple trouble. Once upon a time, there was a merry little devil, and he changed himself into a big black pot with three legs and set himself by the side of the road. OK. I love it so far. I know. What an interesting thing to do.

By and by, a poor man comes walking along. The man had been out looking for work, but he hadn't found any. So he sees the pot and thinks, well, that's something anyway. And he picks it up and carries it home to his wife. Did you find any work? Says she. No, says he. I called at a rich man's grand house and he set the dogs on me.

Oh, the wicked wretch. Oh, fuck, cries she. Yeah, fuck that guy. But coming home, I found a pot. Poo, a pot, says she, and nothing to put in it. Maybe there'll be something to put in it by and by, says the man. He sets the pot on the shelf and he goes out to look for work again and the wife tidies up the kitchen.

So as she was clattering about with the broom, the pot up and spoke, now I triple-trapple off. Huh? Where will you triple-trapple to? Says she. She's just like, oh. Okay. Okay.

Where you going? To the house of the rich man who sets his dogs on the poor, says the pot. Oh, I'm excited. That sounds amazing so far. And it jumps off the shelf and away with it, triple-trapple, triple-trapple on its three iron legs until it comes to the rich man's grand house. And there it triple-trapples into the kitchen. Aha, thinks the cook. There's a grand pot to make the porridge in.

So she makes the porridge in the pot and when the porridge is well cooked, the pot says, now I triple trapple off again. And the cook says, where will you triple trapple to? I triple trapple. I love how everyone in this story is just taking it in stride. Yeah. That the pot talks. I love that too.

That's one of my favorite things about this story is nobody is freaking out. They're just like, oh, where are you going? Where are you triple-traveling off to? I also like that the pot announces that it's triple-traveling off somewhere. This devil is very cute. Very cute. Very adorable. The cutest.

Yeah. So fun. I triple-traveled to the poor man with the porridge, says the pot, and it triple-traveled off. I fucking love that this devil is like, set the dogs on you. I'm stealing food then. I'll feed you. I think this would make a great claymation personally. Yes.

I love this. The poor man had come home again. No, he hadn't found any work and his wife was crying. But when she saw the pot full of porridge, she wasn't crying anymore, but laughing. So the man and his wife had a good meal of porridge and the man cleaned the pot, put it back on the shelf and went out. All quiet in the kitchen for a while and the pot says, now I triple-travel off. Where will you triple-travel to this time? Says the wife.

Back to the rich man's grand house, says the pot and it triple-travels away. Yeah, go get more food. So it comes to the rich man's grand house and into the dairy with it. And there was the dairymaid churning butter. Aha, thinks she. There is a fine big pot to put the butter in, and she filled the pot with butter. And when it was full of butter to the brim, the pot said, now I triple-trapple off. Now I triple-trapple off. Now I triple-trapple off.

Where will you triple-trapple to? asked the Jerry maid. To the poor man with the butter, says the pot, and away with it, triple-trapple, triple-trapple into the poor man's kitchen. The poor man hadn't come home, but the wife was in the kitchen baking bread. She saw the pot full of butter and danced for joy. Some will eat and the rest will sell, cried she. And she took the butter out of the pot, washed the pot and put it on the shelf. Oh, I love that the pot brought them something that she can like that she can also sell too, so that they can get like a little cash flow. This devil doesn't seem like a devil.

I am wondering with how benevolent it is. I'm wondering if this is one of those stories that started out with a good spirit or a good fairy or an elf or something. Is doing something helpful for this couple? And then when Christianity made those big adaptations, it becomes the devil in the story. Maybe. Maybe, but then wouldn't it have been an angel or something? Maybe. Maybe. The pot stood quiet on the shelf for a little while.

It was thinking. Then it said, now I triple-trapple off again. Bless me, says the wife. Where will you triple-trapple to? Back to the rich man's grand house, says the pot. Yeah. And it jumps off the shelf away with it, triple-trapple, triple-trapple on its three iron legs. So cute. I love that it triple-trapples.

I know. The imagery is just cute. I really want to see an animated short of this. Oh, me too, for sure. It comes to the rich man's grand house and triple-trapples into the pantry, and there's the butler washing the silver. Oh-ho, thinks the butler. There's a fine pot to wash the silver spoons in.

Hey. Put the silver spoons into the pot. So when all the spoons were in the pot, the pot said, now I triple-trapple off again. Hey, said the butler, you mustn't do that. He made a snatch at the pot. He's the first one that's like, holy shit. He's the first one that's actually tried to stop it. Get back over here.

The pot triple-trappled between the butler's feet, so the butler tumbled down and bruised his head. Good. Yes, excellent. I mean, the butler's going to get in trouble. Okay, I guess I don't. I guess misplacing the silver is probably going to get him in more trouble than like a missing pot of porridge or a missing pot of butter. But by the time he picked himself up again, the pot had triple-trappled off. So the pot comes triple-trappled, triple-trappled into the poor man's kitchen. The poor man and his wife were spreading butter on their bread. And when they saw the silver spoons,

they clapped their hands, took the spoons out of the pot, put the pot back on the shelf. The pot was tired and had little snooze and it woke up with a jerk and said, now I triple travel off again. Where will you triple travel to this time, says the poor man. I triple travel back to the rich man's grand house. I'm just going to steal every single thing that guy owns. I'll take that and I'll take that. And I'll take this and I'll take just like a continued escalation of shit. I'm excited to see what the pot's going to come back with next because silver spoons

is already like pricey. Oh yeah. Now the pot's just going straight to the source and away with it. Delightful. Triple-travel to the rich man's grand house into a room where the rich man was counting his money. Ha, says the rich man. Here's a fine pot to put my gold in.

Yes. And he fills the pot brimful with gold coins. Now I triple-travel, says the pot, and off with it. Out of the rich man's house and along the road, triple-travel, triple-travel. The rich man didn't have anything to say about the pot triple-traveling away? Oh, he's got plenty to say. The rich man, well, I think he's probably a little astonished. Probably.

He's the first one though. He runs after it. The rich man runs after it, but can he catch it? Not me. No. Yeah. The faster he runs, the faster goes the pot on its three iron legs. Triple, travel, triple, travel. So they went, went, went. The rich man running, the pot triple, trapling till the rich man had any breath left in him and sank down on the grass verge by the roadside. And when he caught his breath again, the pot had vanished.

Ooh. Then the pot comes triple-trapple, triple-trapple into the poor man's kitchen. The poor man had been out and sold the silver spoons for a hamper of food. And now he was unpacking the hamper. Aha, Sissy, here's our pot come back. What have you brought this time?

Says the wife. But when they looked in the pot and saw that it was brim full of gold pieces. Oh my, didn't they hop and skip and jump for joy? Now we're rich, rich, rich! Cried they. And they took out the gold, hid it under a stone on the hearth and put the pot back on the shelf. The pot stood on the shelf for a long, long time.

It was thinking. Then it jumped out the shelf and said, now I triple-travel off again. No need to do that, my pot, said the man. We've got everything we want. Aw. I know, isn't that so? So they also have restraint and they're satisfied.

They're not fucking greedy fucks. Yep. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. All the same, I triple-trapple, says the pot. I'm a devil. Yeah. I do what I want. Where will you triple-trapple to, says the wife? Back to the grand house of the rich man who sets his dogs on the poor, says the pot.

And off with it. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. I keep fucking with him. Triple-trapple, triple-trapple. The rich man was sitting by his fish pond catching carp. He had already caught a great many and they were lying on the bank. Along comes the pot, triple-trapple, triple-trapple.

Ho! and they were lying on the bank. Along comes the pot, triple-trapple, triple-trapple. Ho, thinks the rich man, that wretched pot again, but I'll get even with it this time. So he calls out loud, ha, here's a fine pot to carry my fish home in. And he stoops over the pot and makes as if to fill it with fish, but really he's filling it with mud.

Does he deceive the pot? Not he, in my word, that pot's angry. It begins to swell. It begins to grow. Yes! It swells wider and wider. It grows higher, higher, higher. And as the rich man is leaning over it,

he's lifted high off his feet and hangs there clinging to the rim of the pot with both hands. Help, help, help, cried the rich man kicking and scrabbling. But the pot gives a jerk and down goes the rich man's head into the pot. Down go his arms, down go his body. Now only his legs are sticking out. And kick those legs as they will into the pot they must go for the pot swells up around them. So there's the rich man head down inside the pot and buried in mud.

Now I triple-travel says the pot. And from inside the pot comes the rich man's voice all mumbled up with mud. Where will you triple-travel to? To hell says the pot comes the rich man's voice all mumbled up with mud. Where will you triple travel to? To hell, says the pot. Yeah, it does. And it triple travels off and neither rich man nor pot was ever seen again.

Oh my God, that story was so good. Isn't that so good? Eat the rich, Abby. Eat them. Take them to hell. And hell is in all caps. To hell. I love it.

Fuck. That is so cool. I screamed when I read that and I was like, Abby's gonna love this story. Abby loves that story. And there's, he's trying to catch his gold. Oh my God, I love that. That pot looks so cute and happy. I am picturing like a kind of like Tim Burton esque claymation movie for this,

or short, I guess. Although I don't really love Tim Burton right now. But that kind of style, you know where it's like, I'm imagining the pot with spindlier legs. Like I kind of want it to be a little creepier. Yeah, something like just a little creepy cute. Yeah, where it's like- Creepy cutesy style.

Kind of spider walking off. Yeah, where it's like- Creepy cutesy style. Kind of spider walking off. Yeah, which is like the kind of the classic like nightmare for Christmas. I think that would be really funny. I know, wasn't that perfect? Zero fixes for me. I loved that. Zero fixes, no notes. That was flawless.

Everything I wanted. I got no points, but I'm happy about it because that was better than I ever could have imagined. I know, isn't that so fun? This random devil is just like, just over here is like this bullshit happening and he's like, you know what? I'm going to steal from rich fuckers today. You just gave me the great idea. Something kind of good to do. I like that the pot sits up on the shelf thinking.

I like to think that that takes time over weeks or whatever. Yeah, it's like a couple of weeks of the pot and kind of waiting to see if... I think it's also, I like the idea that maybe the devil was waiting to see if these people needed anything else. Yeah. So it's kind of waiting and seeing, thinking. And then they're apparently fine. They apparently don't need anything. And so the devil is just like, great. Well, I'm going to go back to hell and I've got an idea for a companion. I like the idea that maybe he was going for something else originally.

Like he was just going to keep stealing from the man. Yeah. For fun. And then he just got pissed. He's like, oh, you're trying to trick me. You're going to trick me. And then it gets huge. You're trying to trick me. I know. I love that it gets huge. To hell. And then it triplepled truffles to hell. So good. That was an amazing story. It's one of my new favorites. I know.

It's incredible. I'm so glad you read that to me. Thank you. I knew you would love it as soon as I read that part. I literally screamed out loud and scared Adam and probably my cat. I was so stoked. Please everybody go check out Mab's Media and buy Ruth Manning Sanders books. And they're just so cute.

Look at this on my shelf. It's a really just a cute, pretty book at the same time. Go to Mab Media. This would be a good book. And the stories are like short enough that it'd be good to like be like, it's like your, you know, like your bathroom book. Or like, you know what I mean? Yes, it's perfect.

It's a perfect bathroom book. Everybody needs a bathroom book. I am so stoked that this one exists. I had no idea that there was a book of devils and demons. I think that's the best. It's amazing. I know, I know, amazing. Perfect.

The best. Yeah. Okay, gosh, I honestly don't think there's a better note to end on, so we're ending it. Thank you so much for listening to Fairy Tale Fix. Please remember to rate, review, subscribe. It helps our little indie podcast a ton when you rate the show on Apple, Spotify, wherever they will let you rate us.

Five stars only, please. That was a five-star story. And so we deserve five stars for that. Thank you. This encourages the almighty algorithm to recommend our show to other people so that they can also hear five-star stories. If you want to support us even more, you can get bonus episode stickers, other fun content by checking out our Patreon at patreon.com slash fairy tale fix pod. And you can find us on Instagram and Facebook, sometimes TikTok at fairy tale fix pod. We post fairy tale art, clips from the show, important updates and other cool stuff. And we love you and thank

you again for listening. And so Esben let his brothers die because what have they done for him lately? He instead became a witch's apprentice and stayed with the witch for many years, learning her spells and enjoying his time being friends with the totally average looking girls. He and Sir Red fell in love with each other because Sir Red was the witch's son and came back and visited every so often. And it was great. Oh my God. I love that so much. And yeah, the little black pot, devil, triple-trappled off to hell and that story was 100% perfect zero fixes. And they all lived. All lived. Happily ever after.