Fake Doctors, Real Friends with Zach and Donald - 2023: My Controversy Noted with Pete Holmes

Episode Date: October 17, 2023

On this week's episode, we're joined by stand-up comedian, creator of Crashing, and host of the podcast, You Made it Weird, Pete Holmes. He discusses his career in comedy, including following Dave Chappell, watching Aziz Ansari take off, and the advice he received from Jim Gaffigan.  You can check out Pete's new special I'm Not for Everybody on Netflix coming October 24th. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Yo. Hey. Everybody on time today, though, huh? Yes, sir. I raced off of FaceTime with Krista Miller, who called me solely to tell me how much she loved our Andy Ramage episode. Yay! Nice.

She said it was incredible and informative. I wonder if you guys have heard any good vibrations from it, but people really liked it. At least anecdotally, my friend liked it. It's been very positive out there. People are really loving it. I would like to see if you guys take the challenge let us know how it goes i was a little inspired i went out for my birthday and was like you know what i'm

gonna do some of these non-alcoholic drinks and just see what that's not and they were fun and delicious and i didn't miss drinking so you know might might pick up the challenge may do it yeah give it a try like you i i guarantee you uh the only thing I can tell you is you might listen to that and go, oh, interesting, not for me. But if you just do a month, just as an experiment, I guarantee you, you will feel good on day 30. Nice. That's a nice little recap of our last couple of episodes right there. Yes. And vaginas.

Vaginas was popular, right, Joelle? Vaginas was very right joelle vaginas was very popular as always historically very popular historically very popular did you get any good feedback about vaginas joelle uh only that it was hilarious uh people spitting up drinks having to pull over in their car that's where the people were very uh really very much yeah i was like i had to pull over so that I could see because I was laughing so hard. I love that. These are your reviews, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes. Please let us know what you like. Donald and I aren't on Twitter and we barely read Instagram anymore, so we need feedback. So give it to Joelle and Dale, who are on every social media and let them know right yeah we're here for it donald i've been building you the land rover defender uh lego structure you gave me it's amazing it's coming along for your birthday yes for those of you don't know it's 18 plus it's very hard i forgot that legos had age had age, it's 18 plus. It's very hard. I forgot that Legos had age restrictions.

It's Lego. It's Lego. Don't get him started. Lego sets. Pardon me, that Lego sets had age restrictions. You know,

I was trying to brag to my assistant that it was kind of hard and he goes, well, it says on the box 18 plus and I'm like, 18 plus?

I mean, it's tricky, but I feel like a 15 year old could handle that. 18 plus felt a little bit extreme like i think i don't think there was any reason why a 15 year olds couldn't but then you ran into your first roadblock and you were like i've run into so many roadblocks and you know what's funny you know what's funny i don't know if you do this with lego singular but you get to a certain point where you look and you realize you fucked something up but it's such a fucking ordeal to take it apart and you just go fuck it there's this olivia

rodrigo's new song where she goes fuck it it's fine and i keep thinking when i notice a fuck up that i go fuck it it's fine little things you wouldn't no one's gonna notice daniel do you have any news you want to? Oh, yeah. Daniel, tell the audience. It has been a minute since I've seen you guys, and since then, I did get married. Wow. That was great.

Look at that. Did you consummate the marriage, Daniel? Oh, my God. Oh, my word. The gentleman doesn't tell. All right. All right. Here we go.

We'll just infer. It was a Palm Springs hotel, and it was very lovely. I'll say that. How many people were invited again 23 well 21 since it was 23 total people including stephanie do you find it odd that donald and joelle and i were not invited me personally no me me personally no he says it was really lovely um i was it was uh at palm springs traditionally very hot weather and as the weekend approach we noticed that the weather was dropping and we thought great it won't be boiling hot and then the miracle that it was it rained for the exact 20 minutes of our ceremony which a lot of people

kept saying i hear it's good luck yeah that's what they say when they make you feel better that means you say that bingo so it rained it rained during our wedding yeah well it's good but we built tents we were prepared they frantically built tents the day before in my backyard wow wow well thankfully it was just a little rain yes yes sir next time put in for the tent bud yeah and also next time next time invite donald and us you know i'll let you guys know you know next next marriage I'll let you guys know. Next marriage, I'll let you guys know. I read some funny thing online where some guy, it was the woman's second marriage,

and one of the brothers was like, here we are again. Or something like that. It was like, welcome back, everyone, or something like that. Which, if you have the balls to do it, someone's second marriage is amazing. I highly recommend it. That's good.

Welcome back, everyone. That's funny. That is very funny. You got to have the right person who's not going to be offended by it, though. Truly. All right. Well, in our continuing series on trying to make you laugh and entertain you without talking about the television show Scrubs, we have... What is that?

Wait, hold up. What is that that you just said? That was a show that you're not allowed to talk about yet, but I can mention because I'm in the Writers Guild that was written and directed in the aughts. Is that what we call them? Mm-hmm. In the aughts. It was an aughts arts. It was an arts show. It was an arts

show. A comedian that I really like and think is so funny and is very wise and not only is he hilarious, but he's also I think a deep thinker and says wise things. His name is Pete Holmes and we are lucky enough to have him on the show. Is he here? Daniel?

He's here and we already prepped him for audio. So he's good to go. Bring in. Wait, hold up. What? Five, six, seven, eight. Stories about a show we made. About a bunch of docs and nurses.

And a janitor who loved to hate. I said he's got stories that we all should know. So gather round to hear our. Gather round to hear our. Scrubs Rewatch Show with Zach. Ladies and gentlemen, go ahead, Donald. Give it up for Pete Hall! That's your thunderous applause. That's your Oprah intro, Pete Holmes. I really appreciate it. I wasn't ready at all.

Your team warned me many times that you guys talk a lot. That was number one. And that you're often late. We're only eight minutes in we you're such a fancy guest that we only went eight minutes of of banter because we didn't want to leave a fancy stand-up comedian a beloved america's beloved stand-up pete a fancy boy a fancy boy well i appreciate it but you uh you jumped right in in the middle of um backpack browsing so i'm not quite ready why are you in the market for a backpack, Pete Holmes?

You know, man, do you find that there's just seasons? There's just like, you just like think something happens and you're just like, your zest, your zest is up. Does your zest ever shoot up? What does that mean? Like you want to go camping? You're yearning your zeal zach take any movie you've made and the character you play the opposite of how the protagonist

so that mopey sort of airstream trailer kind of like if they woke up and was like i feel the opposite i have zeal and zest and I'm going to go to a Tony Robbins event and I'm going to buy a backpack. That's how I feel today. Well, I got to tell you something. I went into REI in Burbank, which if you've never been there, is a magical place. And it's really the man that I would like to be one day, but I am not. But have you been in there, Donald? It's incredible. Yeah, they got one out here in Tarzana. All right, listen, I've never been in an REI so big and i'm not a very campy kind of guy i want to be i want to be the guy

that knows how to to make a fire and cook on an open flame and camping and in my kayak but you walk into rei pete holmes why real quick why go on i just got back on. They got backpacks. They got backpacks. Yeah, yeah. You should go look at a backpack. Fuck going online, Pete Holmes. You should go into the REI in Burbank. Yeah, I was proud of that. It's just magical and huge.

And there's just camping gear and cool things. It's so big, you need the gear to survive the storm. Okay, we're doing bits. Donald, it's nice to meet you. We've never met. It's nice to meet you, too. Never met. Pete, it's nice to meet you. We've never met. It's nice to meet you too. Never met. Pete, that's Joel, our producer,

and Daniel, our engineer editor. Yeah, he has a robot voice. He will edit out anything you say that you think is horrible and stupid and should not have been said. You can just say, cut that, Daniel. When I made fun of Zach's character choices in his films,

would you actually copy that and paste it so I say it twice? Whatever you need. We adopted two things you taught me on our show, Pete Holmes. And one is speed agree. Is that right? Yeah, speed agree. And scandal noted. I said it today.

I said it today. I just did my own podcast. And I was talking about how Louis addressed Louis C.K. Scandal noted., scandal noted. Scandal noted. You have to say that just to sort of, you know, I'm reading an interesting book called The Coddling of the American Mind. Have you heard of that? No, we're not well read here.

You just jump right to it. Ask us if we watch Below Deck. Some of us do. Below Deck. What is that about? watch below deck some of us do go ahead below deck what is that about that's a reality show pete that follows the crew of a fancy yacht and their struggles uh having to wait on the very rich patrons whilst also going out and partying and getting shit-faced and hooking up themselves i don't watch the show i don't know doesn't watch it but he watches a soca

so i'm not allowed to talk about no but see Pete this is something you need to know that based on your background Donald you don't watch that show you roll your own cigars and like practice archery you look that's a very fancy room Donald has a very posh house audience Donald is in his new I bought a home someone lived in it

before and they had a very who was it Aragorn son of Arathorn? Yeah, because it had a very Lord of the Rings-esque... Pete, I want to start at the beginning, because that's a very good place to start. We've never had a fancy stand-up comedian on our show. We've had funny people, but no one who's a stand-up. And I wondered if you could tell the audience a little bit about that.

Because our audience aren't necessarily people, aren't necessarily people in entertainment. So they might not know how the hell did he become a stand-up? Now, Pete was in a show that was very, very good called Crashing. If you haven't watched it, I'm allowed to tell you as a writer-director that it was written and directed very well.

But not as an actor. No, that's what we were trying to say. Donald is a SAG member, not allowed to talk about any acting performances, but as a WGA and DGA member, I can tell you that crashing was very, very well done. Yeah.

Oh, thank you. And it all, it's, it, it, it sort of told the story, but can you tell our ends a little bit how you got started and,

and how you ended up being a, a standup, um, in your life? Yeah, that's a good question. The answer would be, you know, I started in like 2001-ish, around there. So I've been doing it 22 years. My God.

You just watch me stare into the middle distance and I start crying. 22 years. But just that 2001 was 22 years ago, man. That feels like it was like five years ago. Like 1980 feels like 22 years ago to me. Right? I'm so with you. But you know, at that time in 2000, 2001,

if you wanted to get into comedy, there was improv, which I did. And then there was standup. And that was around the time when, I'm trying to think like Cosby Scandal Noted um Seinfeld um there were there were people that were getting tv shows so like when you would look and you'd go how did um I'm trying to think of a stand-up like Raymond everybody loves Raymond or Raymond is a good one but also SNL people I was one of those people that

wanted to be on SNL when I was in high school that was one of like a standout moment was i was in the car of my friend oliver and kirsta i mean that's how important this was and i was making them laugh so hard and it was either kirsta or oliver but they said you should be on snl and i was like oh whoa you know what i mean like these these things our words are like so powerful and that moment in high school when everybody's so awkward and pimply and strange that, that somebody took the time to like encourage me in that way. And I remember that validating my little nighttime, you know, I'd fall asleep pretending I was doing the good nights, you know, behind me. Would you imagine yourself? behind me and art of dicaprio would you imagine yourself i did and i still have that dream i don't have that dream you know like in my life it's not like on my goals to necessarily do that but i still catch myself i'll wake up and i'm a little embarrassed i'm like i had the dream i had the

dream i had when i was 15 years old that i'm behind you know some some actor waving at the good nights so you were like even as a as a, I was like, how do you do it? I was asking the question you're asking. And I was like, you'd find people like, I'm trying to think, Jay Moore, David Spade. There were people that got from stand-up onto SNL. Right. And then I started doing that, mimicking that,

and we can get into that. And then really what I got into first, though, was improv because I read a book, the Second City book that was like, they broke it down like this. Chris Farley was the funniest guy in Madison, Wisconsin. He went down to Chicago. He did Second City.

Second City gets scouted like a athletic, like a baseball scout. They go and they watch the show and they recruit people and that was true and it is still kind of true how how it happened so I was like okay that's what I'll do so I had been doing stand-up in Boston probably like maybe 10 times not a ton uh including some self-produced shows i did at my college the first time i did stand-up i did an hour of stand-up i just didn't know any better i didn't know well that's generous dude it was probably six minutes of stand-up i listen that i smeared dread to have to do stand-up because i look we had a fantasy football uh league and if you lost you had to do five minutes at like the laugh factory the one

of the dudes really exact yeah he was an ep and he was like i'll fucking figure it out and we'll and we'll make it happen do you know how hard i tried to win that fucking league just so i didn't have to do five minutes dude you did a fucking hour your first time out you are the bravest individual on the planet i really appreciate that and that's a very creative punishment because if you don't want to do it stand up is like the worst thing i can imagine having to do but because i wanted to do it and i stacked it with my friends it's a nightmare now i would never want to perform for my friends and my family strangers are so much better but like i did it and it wasn't good is what i'm trying to stress but you know i you know i broke the seal and off we went so I did

it like maybe 10 times but then I read this book called truth and comedy and I was like oh improv is where it's at because it's collaborative it's it's a lot like you know what we're doing now as actors it's like you're on a set it's social you're you're engaging with a scene partner and it just felt so much I'm not putting it down, but it felt safer, to be honest. I would love that. By the way, neither have I done professionally ever. I think I would love to do improv. When I go see it. You mean train as an improv? Yeah.

You've done improv before. Of course. I do improv when I'm acting and I make up jokes as we shoot. But I've never done a sketch comedy improv land. And when I go see it, it's obviously hit or miss. Sometimes you'll see something that's the funniest fucking thing ever. You can't believe it. And other times you're like, oh my God, this is so cringe.

But that's kind of part of the roll of the dice of the thing. Yeah, it's fun. That can be fun too. Right. But I always feel like I would love that. I would love to do improv. because it's it's it's beautiful and i really became like a evangelist for how pure improv is and how sort of dirty stand-up was because truth and comedy kind of makes that case that traveling uh that i'm sorry that comedians

stand-up comedians are a little bit like traveling salesmen. It puts them down. It's like they take their wares and their sad little rental cars and they go to clubs and it's pathetic. They don't say that, but they're kind of implying. Whereas improv is you and five, six, seven, eight other people. You're listening to each other. You're building it together. You're co-creating it. And then you throw it away. It very it's almost like andy warhol it's like it would have belonged in the 60s with like a spinning like hypnotic shape in the background and everyone's wearing white and smoking cigarettes like it's cool it's experimental it's alive but i do want to say that it is safer again that doesn't mean it's bad but there was a my part

of my draw to it was because I was scared to do standup. And that's not really a good reason to not do standup. And I watched a lot of people doing improv where, you know, and I'm not breaking any new ground here. People have pointed this out before. A lot of improv teams are, are, uh, big white guys with beards and it's a beer drinking club. You know what I mean? It's like, it like it's it i'm not i i still think it can be great at times but i was always like very like when i had an improv team i wanted to perform all the time right i was like what the fuck are we doing i think that would be my problem too and you perform like once a month if you're like mad disciplined and if you're a house team at io or something in chicago you go up once a week

and i'm like this is fucking stupid like it's not but it is it's like as a stand-up you can go up three times a night five times a night six i believe the record is 13 times a night you did i think steve burn did that he did 13 sets in new york and it's like, I don't do that. But when I was starting, I would do that. I would do a lot of reps. And it's like, I think it was Chappelle or I think it was Chappelle that was like, look, if you have a guy in Boise, Iowa that's doing like a set a month

and then you have some dude in Manhattan that's going up five times a week, who's gonna get better? Like you can feel it in New York. You're like, I'm better than i was at seven o'clock today but you gotta put in those you gotta put in those reps though you can't you can't with improv that was my my problem right you are now scheduling 10 people with jobs with lives a lot of them with families a lot of them that some of them were just kind of

doing it because it's fucking great and it's fun and it's art in itself but i've always had kind of like a not it's not grotesque but i've had like i want to do show business i want to write shows i want to write movies i want to act i want to do this and i want to do it by getting really good at stand-up and always do stand-up first and foremost but like and and for itself but i was like i gotta go we gotta fucking go guys let's go and and it's hard to do that when you got to call three of three other guys and two of them are in kyle let's take a break we'll be right back after these fine words hi i'm martha stewart and we're back with a new season of my podcast. This season will be even more revealing and more personal, with more entrepreneurs, more trailblazers, more live events, more Martha, and more questions from you.

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Fabulous shows. to come to your show who are your friends your family and they need to pay a cover and like buy a two drink minimum and that's and that's how you kind of get up in the beginning is that still the case that's what it was back in like the early 2000s when i had people that were trying to do this yeah yeah like my one of my roommates when i first moved out here he was in the stand-up and stuff like that he would try and get on it it. I forget what the spot was, but it was like, because I smoked way too much weed back then, and still do. Wait, nothing's changed. Nothing's changed. Wait a second. It's the same shit.

That looks like a great sweatshirt to smoke weed in. Is that your Mickey Mouse sweatshirt? No, it's not the Mickey Mouse sweatshirt. He knows about the Mickey Mouse sweatshirt. He's a listener! Is it? It's not. Okay. I saw him bomb quite a bit and i saw him you know have a few nights where he did really well and i used to sit there and be like dude i don't know why you're putting yourself through this and it was the same

show every night and he was like if i could just get this right if this comes out right oh my god you know what i mean i have a lot of thoughts about that first of all stand-up comedy is a never-ending uh parade of humiliations and embarrassments it does seem to be a really really really hard attract that's why some people are like oh i tried it and then i stopped should i get back into it i'm like if it didn't get its hook in you, why would you, why would you run through a, like a sea, like a Navy seal obstacle course when on the other side of it is some dude says you can do his show once a month, unless you really want it. You know what I mean? So the other thing I feel very strongly about that I just think is really important. And it's a through line in a

lot of the people that i know that were successful in stand-up leave your fucking friends out of it leave your get the fuck out i didn't invite my fucking friends to come watch me when i'm new i don't invite my friends now you know what i'm saying it's like get why would i want you to watch me rearrange my chocolate paneled living room you know what i mean it's like it's stupid it's private it's between me and the audience it's not a social experiment it's not something i want you i want your support i'm in this to be fucking batman and have you ever seen batman on a gargoyle he didn't bring his friend caleb to watch him learn how to fight crime fucking beat it this isn't about you i hope you never see me fuck off i'm doing this because it's

a compulsion and it's a passion and and it's embarrassing it's embarrassing like zach came and saw me and it's a great show i'm at at a point in my career, people can come and see me now. But for the first 10 years, you know, I worked at Bennigan's on the South side of Chicago. A lot of people didn't even know I was a comedian. That's the right way to do it. Just in the same way people don't know Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Beat it. You have nothing to do with it. But how do you get up? Here's my question. How do you get up? Because to me, that racket that I sort of was exposed to was the, you know, by the way, they're going up at like 530, you know.

The reason that they were getting up is because. They brought friends. Those are called bringers. Yeah. Tell the audience what a bringer is. I can't. I want you to educate. I can't.

I'm just kidding. We're teaching the audience about the tracks. One of them is being a bringer go ahead well i never did bringers and i don't encourage people to do bringers i think bringers are for the tourists they're i there are exceptions to this there are great comics that did bringers but a lot of people that do bringers are just trying to pay it meaning like if i get five friends to buy five tickets so that's already 50 bucks now, two drinks, and that's probably 20 bucks each. I'm not here to do math, but you know, the club's making a lot of money giving you five

minutes on a special show on a Monday night at six o'clock. At 5.30, yeah. And you bring these- So that's a racket for the clubs. It's like a pyramid scheme, basically. And like, it's also, I would say it's impossible to do well i i've been doing it like i said 22 23 years if you put me up at a six o'clock bringer unless all i did was make fun of how horrible the show was which isn't kind there's no way to do well you can't go up in that show and be like you know the funny thing about sand like get out nobody wants to be there they're hostages. It's not an audience.

By the way, it's horrible. I've been to bringers. I never knew there was a term. I've been to bringers that are so cringe. And you're there trying to be supportive of your friend. But you still have to listen to 20 other people who are at this bringer. I'm telling you, it's like if aliens are watching us, they're watching bringer shows going like, look at what they do.

I've been to a lot of bringers. You've been to bringers? I never knew there was a term called bringers. Okay, so look, and I didn't know it was called bringers either. First of all, so when I was growing up, my parents worked at, were a part of a theater company called the National Black Theater. It was in Harlem. And for two seasons, Uptown Comedy Club shot its show at the theater. So I got to see a lot of very young comedians, African-American comedians, Maceo, Dougie Doug, Tracy Morgan, a lot of these cats perform and stuff like that. And so on nights when they weren't shooting stuff like that, there would be comedy night and they would set it up just like it was on television and people would come on stage.

And those were the nights where that shit would be empty as fuck. You know what I mean? Like nobody would ever. That was like an open mic night? Yeah, it was. Well, yeah, that's what it would be. But you wouldn't know it, but fucking Dougieoug would host it or freaking flex would be on stage this is back then right and i just remember like the ones that did bring their friends in you know what i mean better yeah

they got the laughs they got that's what i mean it's it's ridiculous so to jump no bringers i'm not saying nobody's done a bringer and done okay i'm just saying that was my policy i was like this is embarrassing this is growing pains let's just do this as privately as possible otherwise you're going to exhaust your friend group they're going to stop coming i was exhausted fast because i yes once you go to two or three bringers you you're like, how do I never do this again? It's not a renewable resource. It's not a renewable resource. And even if it is, you're exploiting your friends.

It's horrible. So what you want to do, and when I was in Chicago and when I was in New York, is I would do open mics, which are a different kind of death. But it's a different agreement. In New York, the comic had to pay. had to buy two drinks uh or two items so i got you know this is a time when money is very tight i'm buying a coke i'd buy two cokes and you get to go out for two cokes yeah but you also have to sign up which means you might be going on 30th you know what i mean there's nothing good about i have a question you want to hear the bullshit wait hold up you want to hear the bullshit i used to have to pay for fucking drinks i'm a little kid and i'm paying

for sodas and shit at this fucking comedy club and if i couldn't pay they would kick me the fuck they would kick me out buy two cokes and this is at my parents theater and shit but the funny thing is they put them right in front of you because you're like all right you have to you you have this agreement where you have to buy two drinks, right? So even if you're not drinking alcohol, you're drinking Diet Coke, they just put two Diet Cokes in front of you. Well, yeah. No, that is how you could spot a comic at one of these things because you had two glasses of Coke in front of you that no one wanted. And it was also at a time when like, you know, that's probably in New York in 2004.

I mean, two Cokes was probably still about eight bucks. And you're just sort of like, I don't have eight bucks. Like, this sucks. Wait, so Pete, I have a question for you. When I walk down McDougal, for those of you who don't know, McDougal, what is it? Street Boulevard? What is it? I think it's street.

In Manhattan is not only the place where I think you would say the top comedy club in Manhattan is, the Comedy Cellar. Yep. But also there's a few other clubs. And when you walk down that street, and by the way, a lot of Pete's show, Crashing, takes place on that street. And I remember seeing you guys shooting there. There's guys and gals pamphleting. Yeah. Now, are they also comics trying to get up?

Is that another racket? what's that bracket? Yeah, yeah, and that is what I did. So I love, this is such a generous line of questioning. I just really appreciate your curiosity. Well, we want to educate our audience on the life of a stand-up comedian. Well, I appreciate anyone listening. It's very nice.

We've done vaginas and we've done penises. We've done alcohol. Now we've done horses. We did horses. Now we're done horses. We did horses. Now we're doing stand-up comedians. Well, okay. Oh, so that's called barking. And so what I did when I was in New York,

and when I got to New York, I'd been doing stand-up for three years, but I felt like I was starting over. And I think we could talk about that for a while, but that was important. I didn't walk in going like, I'm from Chicago and you will respect me. You just assume you're starting over.

And that was a good attitude. I don't remember who explained that to me. Probably somebody told me that. And I just, I went in head low, you know, and then I did the open mics. But like I said, you're looking at eight bucks a throw plus subway, all that stuff. And they sucked. They sucked. I'm not saying I sucked.

I did suck. I wasn't that bad. Three years in, I wasn't that bad. But these shows, performing for other comedians, looking at their notes, waiting for their turn to go on, again, it's an unwinnable situation. The only times I remember killing at open mics was I had an opener where I'd go, look at what we're doing. And everyone would laugh because that was the only angle. It's like, no, your audience. It's like, look, what is this? That's funny. That's a funny route. It's like, you know, the audience's other comics, like make fun of the process. You can, but I'm, I'm not even trying. There's no mark again again i don't want to sound like a like a capitalist

like swine or anything but i wasn't getting in it to learn how to kill it in open mic like it was fun to do every once in a while but i was like i want to run bits i want to work out material and it wasn't happening that's what i was asking you were you at the level where you were able to run your bits and work out your material and try and get your set complete. You could do bits at an open mic, but like if someone kind of was like, like that was a standing ovation, you know? And really, and this is, again, we could talk about the theory of getting through open mics. The mantra at that point is don't quit.

It's like, it's like, it's going to suck. There's a line in Crashing where Marina Franklin says to me, she says, if it sucks, that's how you know you're doing it right. And that is absolutely true of the beginning of standup. And you have to frame it and re-narrativize it as something romantic, as a lineage, as a rite of passage, because it's not going to in itself reward you. But when I would see, like dimitri martin was like i barked at the boston comedy club i was like i'm gonna bark at the boston comic club like that's what i'm gonna do jim gaffigan was like go to the boston comedy club and ask them how and what they were saying essentially was there's a dumpster fire over there that you can at least uh find a couple tuna cans and discarded paper boxes that you can lay on it's gonna suck

jim gavigan said to me this is 20 years ago he goes you're gonna think i'm insane but you need to go to a place that will like fold you into it and let you let you in and the places that are gonna let essentially just a wandering you know new comedian in aren't going to be great places. So the place that I got in was the Boston. It's not there anymore. We rebuilt it for Crashing, which was a real trip, but was on West 3rd and basically West 3rd and McDougal. So it was like a block and a half from where I wanted to be. And my corner was McDougal and third. So I was standing, watching my heroes. And when I say heroes, I don't mean names you know. I just mean any dude that was working the cellar was my hero. But that's good to say, but we should also tell

the audience who doesn't know that the top comedians, stand-ups in the world, if they're going to make a surprise and show up somewhere they go to the cellar so you'll see you know you can be in there and all of a sudden you know chapelle's going on or seinfeld's going on they they just show up and surprise the audience and that's the trip is that that chapelle would also come to this boston because the boston would let him do three hours because it sucks and you want to hear something crazy this is when Chappelle's show is on so I'm barking so I literally just went to the Boston Comedy Club I met the manager his name was Dustin somebody had

told me go to the Boston ask for Dustin I met Dustin who's a great guy and I said like I just told him what I've been telling you I I'm from Chicago. I've been doing it three years. I'm just looking for a home club. And the moments in my life that hinged on some human kindness are insane. And we could spend the rest of the podcast talking about those kindness hinge moments. And this was one of them because he could have just said, get the fuck out of here. What he said wasn't the best news, but he was was like if you stand on that corner for four hours i'll give you four minutes you know what i mean a lot of people would be like that sounds like abuse

but i was like i got my headphones yeah i'm gonna stand out there uh they didn't track it some clubs track it like you write your name on it and they they count how many people come in with a flyer with your name on it they They weren't doing that. You just had to do it, which felt a little Old Testament in a good way. In the way it's like, you want to marry my daughter, work in the fields for seven years. Like it felt familiar. It does feel, and it feels like Fight Club.

You want to come in for Project Mayhem, stand on the porch for three days. So I was like, okay, we come from a species that values people proving that they really want something asleep on the on the steps of the temple before you out you come in on karate yeah that's what it felt like so i was like okay and i that was like i felt like that was my first break was that dustin was like i'll let you bark and i went out i was pretty good at it meaning i i i just kind of you know i've cut corners in my life when i was a waiter i would cut corners i was kind of, you know, I've cut corners in my life. When I was a waiter, I would cut corners. I was kind of lazy and stuff.

But with this, I was like dead serious. So I was like handing out flyers, going for it. What was your line that would get people to- Great life comedy. I just said great life comedy. You guys look, that's all I said. Because there's so many people, it's got to be quick. Great life comedy tonight, great life comedy. Right, but there's also a lot of people,

when you walk down McDougal, there's a lot of people doing this to get you to the different clubs yeah it's kind of like the red light district in amsterdam it's very instead of prostitutes it's guys like pete it's the it's the fucking well i don't want to say that now say it it's the trenches yo it's the fucking trenches. Yeah, it is. You know what it is? It's like the gym, too. It's just like this. I like the kung fu thing. It's like, go sleep in the rain. Go sleep in a ditch and prove it.

And I actually, I'm one of those old people now that I'm like, this is good. You shouldn't get famous on TikTok right away and not be very good. I'm not thinking about anybody in particular. And just get catapulted into fame you should lower yourself it's fucking indiana jones only the penitent man will pass and you got to get on your knees and fucking get fucking humiliated what is the root of humiliated is humble it's also the same root as human it's also the same root as soil it's like get low and and that's what bill burr told me i was very lucky that the first people that I opened for- You got some really fucking really cool dudes

giving you advice right away. Jim Gaffigan and Bill Burr used to come through Chicago and my friend Dan Kaufman hooked me up and got me opening for them. We didn't, those weren't like huge names at the point. They were to me, but not to the world. And Bill Burr said, he was the one that said go to the Boston Comedy Club.

And he said, keep your head down. Don't be a dick. You'll get in. I still have that email. I've looked at it, not recently, but I have checked that I got that wording right. And that's what it was. So keep your head down

and like kind of keep your mouth shut. You know, people are going to make fun of you. People are going to tease you, but like just let the craft speak for itself. Just get better. And the tip that I think you were steering me towards that was that like, I have a stack of flyers and you'd have to like take a flyer out, snap and put it in front of somebody. And if they don't take it, which most people don't put it back in the stack. So you snap it again. You don't just leave it out there like a fish lure. You need the movement and some sort of razzle dazzle. So you snap it again. You don't just leave it out there like a fish lure.

You need the movement and some sort of razzle dazzle. You're also very tall. What are you, six what? Six, six, yeah. So six, six helps. You're going to get it. People are going to look at you. Yeah.

And you know what else helped is like, I'm an effusive person. I'm a communicator. This doesn't always work. Meaning I would tell Dustin how much it meant to me like even after a night sometimes the show was canceled often the show was canceled you bark for four hours you come back no one's there you just go home oh my god but i was so humiliating and humbling but if you keep doing it you know what i mean by old testament it's like you must really love my wife

or my daughter you You can marry her. Yeah, I'm going to stick with the Miyagi analogy. You fucking learn to wax on, wax off. Yeah. But like, I also was very clear. I'm not a tourist, meaning I'm not just doing this to have fun. I didn't lose in my fantasy football thing. Like, I want this.

I want to do this. And thank you for the opportunity. Now that sweetness didn't always work. I remember there was a club in Boston that I was trying to get up and I, I would, he told me, he was like, we'll get you up another time this month.

And I used to call just every day, just calling and the dude fine. I'd get the machine. I'd leave him like the seventh message. This coked up club owner picks up the phone. He's like, this isn't how it fucking works. I call you.

Like he like chewed me out. So I couldn't just be like the borderline Mormon sweet level. You know what I mean? Like I was so doe-eyed and kind, I'd like to think, but gentle and happy to be here. Almost like Jack McBrayer or Buddy the Elf. You know what I mean? And that did,

yeah, it did work with Dustin in the sense that he knew I meant it and he's a true comic and he respected the part of me that wanted to be a true comic. And then the trip was, I was going to say when Chappelle would drop by, we'd go out on the street again. It might be 10 o'clock at night. The terrible show is already going. There's like seven people in the house.

I'm waiting to go on. And then they go, Chappelle's here. He's so fucking, is there anyone cooler? He's walking in. I can remember it. And he's smoking. And Dustin would say, go back out. And we would go back.

Of course we'd go back out. Then all we go back out. Of course we'd go back out. Then all we had to say was, Dave Chappelle's in here, and the place would be full in like 15 minutes. Wow. But here's the worst part. Go back out. I can picture all the comedians who thought they were going to go on are now running out with their flyers.

It became bad news. Chappelle, Chappelle, Chappelle, Chappelle. But it probably means you're not going to go on. No, it was a mixed bag. At first, it was awesome. And I'd say this to Dave. It's a mixed bag. At first, it was awesome. And I'd say this to Dave. It's not shit talk. At first, it was awesome.

And then after a while, that just meant, here's what's going to happen. 150 people are going to pack out the club. He's going to go on. He's going to go on for two hours, maybe. And by that, I mean, he's not, and he can do whatever he wants but he's not necessarily doing material he's fucking around which is his right i say you see the hierarchy there is like

a respect pyramid of stand-up and we take that seriously so that was fine i would watch it and i learned a lot about what it's like to develop material really raw just literally asking somebody like what's your favorite breakfast cereal? And riffing on Cinnamon Toast Crunch for five minutes. But it wasn't, he wasn't doing, you know, his special. There was nothing prepared. No, I've seen this, by the way. I've seen this at the cellar.

Cheerios! No, I've literally seen this by the way. Hey man! Cheerios! I've been in the cellar When Oh my god Chappelle's here Chappelle And everyone gets excited Yeah

And then He starts smoking And There isn't even What seems like The seed of an idea It's just It's just him smoking

And he just like Starts shooting the shit With an audience member And Because he's who he is He's earned the right Yeah To do that.

But if you're in the audience, you're like, when's he going to start telling a joke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's a certain kind of writing you can only do on the high wire. Like you want to be in front of the crowd. Like I write, and then I go on stage, and it just juices it up. You just like being in front of an audience. You like the thrill of the laugh and all that stuff.

So I get it. He's going up, and he's an empath. I bet he's absorbing that energy and it's inspiring him. But he's also like a cool ass dude that's very calm. So he doesn't mind just sitting there and smoking if that's what happens for a couple of minutes. So then the best case scenario would be he doesn't do too long.

He says, thank you. Good night. And then I, he didn't talk like that. He'd get up and say, shit. Damn, he was on one that night. Yeah, right. Hey, man. He'd get off.

And then the Barkers, as we were known, because no one has left. And no one wants to go next. So now everyone wanted to go next. Now Chappelle went up. no one wants to go next. So now everyone wanted to go next. Now Chappelle went up. No one wants to go next. So the number of times that I went on stage and my opener, if you want to call it that, was please don't leave.

Please don't leave. Dave Chappelle was great. I know, please don't leave. And everyone would leave. But guys, I'm 44. And as I tell this story, i have a huge smile on my face it was essential it was essential it was like that's why i told you when people say i did stand up once or twice i took a 10-year break should i do it again i'm like no you either know

this is your shit even when you suck but you still have those dreams literally in my case literally dreaming about it dreaming about hanging out with zach and donald on a podcast fucking dream country you know my first spec script was scrubs by the way i didn't know this shit was fucking in me you know what i mean so like you gotta you gotta take the win and the win was this sucks and i'm not quitting i know that sounds like a little like a refrigerator magnet but i was like i'm proud that i went into manhattan a place that used to it's at that time it was scary to me unsettling people are mean comics are mean people would say right to your face i don't like you like fucking weird shit and i stood there holding my empty porridge bowl and just like

smiled like the fucking buddha and just waited my turn and then me and the barkers would talk shit of course we hated everybody is it a young man's game that That's a good question. I mean, I was 25, but Demetri Martin was in law school. He was in his second year of law school and he quit. That's fucking courage and certainty and skill. Like he recognized his skill. So he didn't start until he was already out of college and two years into law school. But Tim Allen is always the

example i like sometimes people go is it too late for me to start and whatever age they are i go tim allen was in jail when he was your age you know what i mean like meaning it if it's in you you know what i mean like there can be a later break it's just in fact the older you get you know i think the funnier you get and you can especially these days you can cram conversation like this cram content i was just talking to somebody on my pod today i was like i used to go to the library and get like prior vhs's and stuff and like you know you'd have to take this in Boston, take the subway into Tower Records just to look to see if they had a comedy section. They didn't. You just go home.

But now, if somebody was starting in their 30s or even their 40s, I wouldn't roll my eyes at that. And Roseanne. There are a lot of people, I think, especially now, I wouldn't think. This DuPeng shit, though, I i don't know it's an ego question some people have egos that they're that they can detach from themselves a little bit more easily and because i was young and didn't have as much of an ego like dude i was on an airplane i had

a first class ticket on a flight they moved me to another flight my seat wasn't first class and i got on the plane i was not rude about it but there were empty seats in first class and i'm like can i have one of these and they were like no and i was like and i was so shocked that they said no i didn't do anything rude but i was like dude i couldn't do it now you know what i mean like i wouldn't go and be like i just barked for four hours and they're like show's canceled i'd be like well i'm not coming tomorrow this isn't working but to that i knew dudes that came to new york and weren't willing to eat shit and they are not doing comedy anymore and that's okay i don't say that and spit out their name from my mouth or anything i'm just saying there

were two people that in the scenes that i came up with that didn't make it one was people that weren't willing to eat shit eat a shit sandwich and that's within reason i'm not talking about taking abuse from club owners or other comics i'm saying within reason the parameters that we've kind of been discussing the other dudes that didn't make it and women that didn't make it were the shit talkers like if all you did was complain about what other people were getting and how fast they were getting because here i am handing out flyers as these unsorry shows up on the scene dude is instant from my perspective instantly in rolling stone on the hot list you know what i mean or something like that and you're like dude's 20 years old if if you let that jealousy uh permeate you and get in your bones i call it comedy cancer you're done

you're fucking done. You keep your head down, Bilber. Keep your head down. Don't be a dick. Like, just, you can't look at your neighbor's paper.

And that's why you don't invite your friends. I don't give a fuck what my friends think. I know I suck. It's my time to suck. Let me do it privately. Let me do it alone. Let's take a break. We'll be right back after these fine words. live events, or Martha, and more questions from you. I'm talking to my cosmetic dermatologist,

Dr. Dan Belkin, about the secrets behind my skincare. Walter Isaacson, about the geniuses who change the world. Encore Jane, about creating a billion-dollar startup. Dr. Elisa Pressman, about the five basic strategies to help parents raise good humans. Florence Fabrikant about the authenticity in the world of food writing. Be sure to tune in to season two of the Martha Stewart podcast. Listen and subscribe to the Martha Stewart podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you've been following the news, you know that from health care access to safe schools, LGBTQ plus rights are under attack. And it's about time queer and trans youth get the microphone and tell their stories in their own words.

trans youth get the microphone and tell their stories in their own words. I'm Raquel Willis. Join me on my new podcast, Queer Chronicles, a show where LGBTQ plus folks tell their own stories in their own words. This season, teens will share all about growing up in political battleground states. I wish I could feel more comfortable in my own body here, but that's just not the case. And follow along as they discover what queer and trans liberation means to them. This isn't running away from yourself. It's running into who you want to grow into. Listen to Queer Chronicles on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your most fabulous shows. Truck stop brothels run by a web of ex-cons.

A Commonwealth attorney wasted on whiskey and power. Protection exchanged for cash and flesh. This is Hooker Game, Cr and libertines in the South, and I am your host, Dr. Lindsay Byron. Three years ago, I came across a gold mine of news clippings detailing a scandal that rocked my small southern hometown. As I flipped through each page, this forgotten story came back to life. I was told that it was just supposed to be a massage parlor. The big shot in Dan Wolf's barker.

He beats me continuously. If you print anything that you hear in that grand jury, you will be put in jail. I never gave any massages. Listen to Hooker Gay, Criminals and Libertines in the South on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Let me ask you this. It used to be the old prayer was that you would get a sitcom, right? So nowadays—

Isn't that still the same? Well, it's a show i'm sure but nobody's getting into stand-up really just to make everybody laugh for the rest of their life they want to fucking turn that shit into fucking of course of course some some do some do really there are there are purists yeah for sure there's a great story hannibal burris i don't think he'd mind me telling this but like he used to go into meetings with networks and he'd just be like, I just want to get good at standup. Like he'd be completely honest with them. They're like, yeah, but do you have any pitches? And he's like, I want to get good at standup because he knew the order. He was like, you're not going to, we're not going to do this now. I'm glad we're, we know each other. I'm extrapolating.

I just remember Hannibal was one of those dudes that was like, I just want to be one of the greats, you know? So, but yeah. My question is, how do you now make a living at it? Because I know you've had, you have a successful tour. You have an upcoming Netflix show, which we should plug. What's it called? 1024. It'll be out 1024. It's called I Am Not For Everyone. I Am Not For Everyone. I Am Not For Everyone on Netflix. I've seen this show, by the way, with Bill Lawrence. Bill and I went to one of the last times you were sort of doing it for an audience at Largo in Los Angeles before you went to shoot it, I believe, right? And I'm not just saying this because he's here. Bill and I belly laughed for an hour and a half. How long did you, did it end up being 90 minutes?

No, I cut some stuff. It's funny that night I was like, that night I was like, I said to you, oh, I'm sure you're going to cut it down to an hour. Right. And, uh, and you were like, no, no, I think I'm going to leave it long. Um, but even, even the 90 minutes we belly laughed the whole time. It was so fucking funny. I promise you, uh, you audience if you're listening and you're a fan of donald and i you will laugh at pete's special it's so smart and funny and i like i like comedy that does not only make me laugh but makes me think and your hour certainly does that oh thanks man but i wanted to say my question is how i've gone to the cellar and seen so many brilliant comedians that's where you go when you want to see the best in town.

And I don't, they aren't necessarily household names. They aren't necessarily people you'd recognize. How do these people make a living? Do they, do they tour? Do they, there's, do they tour at different levels? Are they hoping for a special? What is the 2023 way that a standup comedian makes a living? Again, a generous question. generous question we we we cover

this a little bit on crashing but the answer is is more than what we showed on the show there's different markets right so there are there are still to this day people in new york what i was smiling during your question that there are people that i want to go like what what are how are you doing like i do like i don't know i want to go like, what, what are, how are you doing? Like I do, like, I don't know. I want to go like, what is, what's your strategy? Like, what do you live?

How do you live in Manhattan? Well, you can take it up from the bottom, right? There are some dudes that do so many sets in the city that that's what they, that's what they do. Like that. And I'm sure they tour some,

but like, you know, if you do, cause the, the fat black pussy cat is right around the corner from the cellar. You can go back and forth between those two clubs. I've done it. And go up eight times a night.

That's in your show, by the way. I just want to say a funny little connection here. Jessica Kersen, who we should have on, Donald, is my stepsister. And she is a very accomplished, hilarious stand-up comedian. She did it a unique way also where she got she was already out there but she got on through a reality television show yeah and that was her that was her introduction that started her up she was on one of those what was it the comedian um competition she was on that yeah but also um but i just wanted to say

that one of the great things about pete show Crashing is he had all the real people playing themselves. So all the go-to, not all, but a lot of the go-to standups in this circuit are in the show, including my sepsis, Sir Jessica Curson, who's in a very funny episode where Pete and she are running back and forth between these two clubs. So I just had to digress and tell that story.

And then we go, she does another one where we go to North Carolina. She was in the only episode where we flew somewhere to shoot it and she's just she's sweet as pie i love her to death yeah um i'm not just saying that like i have like a special she's someone you don't want to follow because she every time i see her that's why i'm most often that i'm in the cellar is because jessica's going up and i'm gonna see her and i'm gonna see some other comics yeah and every comic will tell me and they're not just saying this because she's my stepsister like you can't follow her because she's so funny and she's so outrageous donald have you ever seen her do her thing yes i have

she told me once she didn't like a crowd at the cellar and she did the rest of her set with her back her back to them which i was like that's fucking dope she does this sort of inner monologue thing where she'll she'll be performing and if and if something bombs she goes upstage to the wall and turns around into the mic she does like an inner monologue like don't listen to them jessica you're doing just great this is very hard you know i'm not selling it well but she has this sort of great. She's letting them into every element of the experience. So anyway, the answer is there's city spots. And then the first break for a lot of people in my,

I'll just speak for myself. My first sort of foray into touring was colleges. And especially when you're in your twenties, colleges are incredible. And there's things called NACA musicians do it as well. It's a national association of college acts or something like that. You go to a NACA. It's in a hotel. We did an episode about it on Crashing. If people are curious, I'm very proud of the NACA episode. I got a college agent. Forgive me. I can't exactly remember how, but somebody, probably a VHS tape that I sent and then they submit that VHS tape into NACA's on your behalf. You have to pay, it's like 300 bucks just to submit again at a time when

you don't have 300 bucks. And then if you get in, it's a really big deal. I often didn't get in. I eventually finally got one. I went and you perform at like 11 in the morning. And who's there is all the people from our colleges that ran the student activities council. So everybody's shirt says SAC or CAB. They're all called SAC or CAB. What do you mean SAC or CAB? Student activities council or council of campus activities board. Are they students? Yeah, they're students. So they're students who've been tasked with booking the acts for this college that year. Yeah, but let's be real.

These aren't the hippest students. These are the kids that wanted to run the yearbook, basically. They have a lot of power, though. They do have a lot of power. And that's what's so funny about it is you're kissing your – my future, my rent, and my livelihood is now tied to my ability to not only perform well, but also hobnob in the lobby of a Hyatt Regency with some eight, 19 year old girl who still has braces. And she's deciding whether or not they want to spend the $1,100 to have me

come into the upper peninsula of Michigan and do a show at noon. You know what I mean? So it's a very, I'm telling you, it's a never ending parade of humiliations guys it's never ending it doesn't end i'm still doing it so you do the set and then you have to go in the lobby and be like so michelle what did you think no i love your glasses it's worse you stand at a booth you after your no. After your set, you stand.

It's your, my agency was called Auburn Moon. I would stand at the Auburn Moon booth and watch people walk by. So I did two NACAs, one where I did very well, one where I didn't. That's so cringe. One where you didn't do well, and you have to stand at the booth trying to hand out your merch because college kids love free stuff. So you're trying to give them T-shirts or trying to give them a water bottle or something like that, or a carabiner that says PeteHolmes.com on it.

And then you see them, let's say you didn't kill that day. No, yeah, that's what I'm saying. And so you see them gathering around the booth of the guy who killed and they're all trying to get his carabiner. They're over at Aziz's booth. Getting the Aziz carabiner. Yeah. Well, dude, I don't know if aziz ever did that i think aziz blew up real fast and kind of pole vaulted that but when i did it the first time and i knew it was a big deal it was like i was more nervous more jacked up for it than like

my first late night or anything it was like it really felt like no one will ever know. You know what I mean? It's not going to be on TV, but if I do this, it'll fill my calendar. Like it'll fill out my whole year. And when I said $1,100, that wasn't random. Like I would say the average, I don't, not even mid-level, low level, but headlining, early comedian, especially if you're clean, which I was clean at the time, you'd make about a grand unless they clumped them together. Now you're doing it for like, you get paid more.

If you're clean, you book more. If you're clean. Cause they don't want a lot of colleges don't want a dirty talk. Absolutely not. In fact, you, once you book the gig and you get this a whole,

I could write a book on how to do colleges, but once you get there, you can ask. And can I say, fuck, really a book on how to do colleges, but once you get there, you can ask and say, fuck, really? I have a really good cock joke. Do you guys not want it? Yeah.

And it's the same with, you know, I do corporate gigs now too. And they're always like, you book it because you can do an hour squeaky clean. And I can, and I do, and I like it.

But sometimes you get there. Last one I did was for like liquor salesman. I'm like, these guys want to, and these men and women would like to hear about this sex story or whatever it is they're gonna like it this sex joke so anyway there's a section in your new stand-up um i'm not for everyone is that what it's called yeah i am not for everyone i am not for everyone where it's not dirty necessarily but you speak in a very funny way about uh sexuality right is that the way to put it and um i i just thought it was so funny and interesting and but it would that be considered

but would that section be considered all rated yeah everything in my new special with few exceptions would be too edgy for a NACA. But the great thing is, is because I was raised religious, I, I fuck NACA. I thought I was going to go to hell if I was a naughty boy. So I was way ahead of the curve. Right. This is something that's in crashing and we haven't touched on. And we can, we can just touch on it briefly. One thing that's interesting about your story is that you grew up quite

religious, correct? And then so part of the story of Crashing is not only is it Pete's story, he's a young, wide-eyed stand-up coming to town, but your character and you grew up very religious. Yeah. And it really is sort of like a, I don't want to say thrown into the wolf's den, but it had a little flavor of that, more because of how sheltered I was. And Nate Bargatze was there at the same time as me, and he and I bonded a lot over just like,

we're a far way from the church life, which was very sweet and nice. I'm not saying anything bad about it. Now everybody's doing everything that you could think, drugs, drinking drinking and there's a lot of like but you're still a religious man are you not i'm a spirit yeah it's a spirit deeply spiritual person and that and that informs it you know that we're changing gears a little bit but it's like i think there's a big difference between dirty and ugly my comedy is very dirty but it's

not ugly and i think you can do clean comedy that's very ugly i i think what you should really pick up on thanks don is like the undercurrent like what values what attitudes and perspectives are you championing and if you don't say fuck it doesn't matter did you just say a man should be able to hit a woman did you kind of like let's really reduce what you just said isn't that what you just said and this could be a clean comic and then i go up and i say like the joke you're referencing i think is you know kinsey approved it's very interesting about this the spectrum of sexuality and it's dirty i'm talking about jerking off and sex and all this stuff but like underneath it i'm saying we're all in this together.

It's a sexuality strange and it's unifying. Like my goal is for it to be unifying. You never punched down in your, and your kind. And there's a, there's a kindness to your company. You're saying some outrageous, funny things,

but you're not taking a aim at anybody in a mean way. I appreciate that. If I do take a cheap shot or punch down, even if it's briefly, it's because that's true to our experience, that everybody has a mind that occasionally thinks something that you don't approve of. And I think that's valuable to talk about as well. Meaning like this, I say this all the time, but the sweetest nun, the most gentle woman in the world sometimes is stirring her coffee and she's like, I don't know why, but I don't like whatever. You know what I mean?

I'm not, I won't say it, but like. Oh, I wanted you to go there and just see what came out of you. Well, the example I usually give is I'll be on a plane or something. I'm like, I don't know why, but I hate the back of this guy's head. Like I fucking hate the shape and fucking this dumb hair. Like I fucking hate the shape and fucking this dumb hair. So one of the unifying things you can do, and I know I'm having my cake and eat it too,

but if I do make a joke that's cheeky or a little bit wicked, it's because I'm trying to demonstrate shamelessly and innocently that all of us know how lonely it is to be stuck in these fucking outdated biological spaceships that because of the wiring and the pattern recognition and the judging and the labeling and the consumerism and everything that all the impetus that we're constantly being flooded in your brain it's like a fucking washing machine filled with marbles and shit's flying out sometimes. And it's lonely and isolating and honestly encouraging of dark and weird thoughts to not say, hey, sometimes I have a thought like this and it's fucking weird. And if I can use my platform to make people feel less shame, that's great. And sometimes it might be at the expense of whatever, like some joke that you're

not, ooh, that you're not supposed to say that. okay and and here we are and here we are you're also not supposed to think that you're not supposed to feel that you're not supposed to do that but we do i have a joke in my new hour about uh taking my daughter on a carousel even though my friend like couldn't find his daughter and i could have helped him look for his daughter but it's a whole story i'm not proud of that story he they found her she's fine i can't find my daughter okay i'm gonna go that's exactly the joke but that to me using a high status position loud voice i'm talking let's go back to being bonobos babies you know what i mean loud voice i'm up high and i'm in the light. So that's an alpha position. And to use it instead of championing myself and telling you all my virtues and all my gloriousness, like a dictator and how

ineffable I am instead being vulnerable enough to be like, I, I should have not gotten on the carousel. That's more valuable because people are like, you know what, dude? In this flawed, imperfect thing, sometimes I do that. And if you can laugh at me and then still quietly be like, I've done stuff like that, then that's a service as well. Well, that's the best comedy, right?

What is gained if I get up and just tell you how fucking great I am and how perfect I am? And you know what I hate? Most comedy is just going up on stage and saying, isn't food great? Isn't sex great? Isn't winning great? Isn't, isn't, that's it.

Isn't money great? It sucks. I remember back in the day, it was always, there was some women that would come on stage. A lot of women. Where my big women at? That shit used to be like the first motherfucking, oh my God. Pete, do you ever open with that? Where my big women at?

Have you tried that? You know what I hear constantly is who's drinking. Who's drinking? You guys partying? Yeah, and then you're into drinking. But that is also... Look, I have respect for anyone doing comedy, so I'm not going to broad stroke dismiss anyone.

But if I go on stage and do a bit about how great alcohol is in a club where everyone's drinking nothing has happened people who already liked alcohol like alcohol if i can go on stage and make them and it doesn't have to be alcohol but just kind of like take the other side for fun and get people to laugh at not even something that challenges them, but like something a little bit more interesting than just like, isn't, aren't orgasms great? Isn't dopamine great? Isn't, you know, or, or a story where you go and I say, get the fuck out of here, clown. And everyone cheers for me. Right. Well, I thought you did that in spades with the run you do on sexuality and the Kinsey scale. I thought it was really funny and interesting and certainly not something I've seen anyone talk about in a comedy set.

I thought that was really unique. Thanks, man. I really appreciate it. Let's take a break. We'll be right back after these fine words. Hi, I'm Martha Stewart, and we're back with a new season of my podcast. This season will be even more revealing and more personal with more entrepreneurs, more trailblazers, more live events, more Martha, and more questions from you. I'm talking to my cosmetic dermatologist, Dr. Dan Belkin, about the secrets behind my skincare.

Walter Isaacson, about the geniuses who change the world. Encore Jane, about creating a billion-dollar startup. Dr. Elisa Pressman, about the five basic strategies to help parents raise good humans. Florence Fabricant, about the authenticity in the world of food writing. Be sure to tune in to season two of the Martha Stewart podcast. Listen and subscribe to the Martha Stewart podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. iHeart podcast update this week on your free iHeartRadio app.

In retrospect, revisit pop culture moments from the 80s and 90s I Heart Radio. Best of both worlds. A discussion on work-life balance, career development, parenting, time management, productivity, and making time for fun. Hear these podcasts and more on your free iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. I used to have so many men. How this beguiling woman in her 50s. She looked like a million bucks. With zero qualifications. She had a Harvard plaque. Tricks her way past a wall of lawyers and agents.

She's got all of these Maseratis and Bentleys all in the driveway. Is it like a mansion? Yes, it's a mansion. That this queen of the con uses to scam some of the biggest names in professional sports out of untold fortunes. About six million. Approximately $11 million. Nearly $10 million was all gone. Employing whatever means necessary to bleed her victims dry.

She would probably have sex with one of her clients. Hide your money in your old rich man because she is on the prowl. Listen to Queen of the Con, Season 5, The Athlete Whisperer, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What do your parents, are they alive? What do they think of your comedy? I imagine they're religious still. You know what's really really really weird is that my parent my mom was more was very religious and that was i wrote in my book that my brother and

my dad had sports and me and my mom had jesus and that was like our interest we knew the stats you know all the stats all the teams but like as my mom's gotten older and i've gotten older as well that's how it works i've gotten way more spiritual and my mom's gotten a little bit less interested in that stuff which which is not you know she's 82 and that's not uh my favorite only i've said before i'm like i wish it would be if my mom would be like comfortable and feel held in the world and be religious in a way that i don't share all of those beliefs but like felt secure in the universe i that's my hope for her and that's why now i push it on her a little bit so the tables have turned but my to answer where i think you were going my parents don't really know i i think they don't really know what to make of of me to this do they watch

it do they what will they watch this new special yeah the last one that came out i think they watched it with some church friends and then they just called me and they're like we were so humiliated and i'm like you you see this is full circle man because me saying don't bring your friends is me also saying don't bring your family no it's not about them and and what i always say to my mom with all love and to my dad as well as i go it's not for you and any artist that's making something with what will my parents think isn't giving me all of themselves and i'm here you know i don't want to you know blow my own horn what is it blow it blow it toot it but i i want to like mind deep i want to share humiliations i want to share vulnerable feelings i want to make fun of

my parents you know what i mean like i i spent a lot of my life being like yes sir and and this is your show and i'm just you know i'm one of the one of your crew you know what i mean like i'm and it's like that's fucking over man i i was just talking sorry to interrupt you but that kind of informs the title i'm not for everyone you're saying i'm not for mom and dad no i'm gonna be vulnerable i'm gonna do my thing i'm definitely not for everyone if it's for everyone it sucks yeah for everyone it sucks amen say it loud for the people in back that's really true and dude you see that in your films for sure you know what i mean my films are not for everyone but no but gosh for the people that respond to them it's such a it's the reason

you make them what they say that's why we're in this we're not in you know scrubs was not for everyone you know we're here doing a scrubs podcast and and and all the people listening obviously loved the show but the show was never a runaway hit every season we were like are we coming back and that happened for nine years i I told this to Bill. I was like, that show, I know I said this to you, Zach. Zach's done the pod three times, and I'm sure we've talked about the episode where JD is wondering how he'll die. He looks at you, Donald, and you're eating a sandwich,

and he's like, heart failure. You know what I mean? And he looks at him, and then he looks at his own reflection and goes, I don't know, stress? I have the chills as I'm telling you this. I saw that stuff and I was like, that's what you're supposed to do with a platform. And again, we watch some popcorn shows. We watch things that are for, we're not, you know what I mean? We don't have to put down other things. I'm just saying there's a special place. I was just talking to a comedian where I was like, the money is for the discomfort of dealing with the people that might be like,

why did you make that joke about me? But it's my fucking job. It's my job to risk it. That's really what the money is for. You know, BB King used to say, I do the shows for free. They pay me to travel.

I do the shows for free. They pay me to deal. I do the shows for free. They pay me to deal with the draining feeling. I was just in Salt Lake City. I did four shows. I come back to the hotel. And I've been, you know, making fun of my family, making fun of myself, sharing, like I said, that story about the carousel. And I'm just sort of like, you feel what my wife and I call everybody calls a vulnerability hangover you feel hollow and tender i was just re-watching phantom thread when he does his show

and then he gets the next day it just cuts to him in bed i don't want to make it too dramatic here but i'm like that's what the money is for it's for this feeling of like oh my god i just showed my realness to a lot of people yeah i'm not a hundred percent a voyeur part of me likes being seen and celebrated but a lot of you goes like i just really that was real i think i felt first of all i love that expression of vulnerability hangover i think i felt that every time i release a film, I feel that. I feel like, oh my God, you rip yourself open. And then, and then of course you're, you're judged positively or negatively. And then, and then people's watching or they don't. And then there's, then there's just quiet and you feel a vulnerability hangover. Yeah. And you feel empty and you feel tender and you, and you feel just, my wife is so good at it, but there is like a rebuilding process and that's a whole other podcast,

but like getting your balance, right. Getting your family, right. Having interests outside of this. There's a lot of people in our town, you know, we never talk about comedy or anything.

And it's really good for my spirit. Yeah, I was about to say, how does that work? Like, doesn't everyone, when it's your profession and you're around your peers, do you guys talk about jokes all the time? Are you on? Is this, you know what I mean? I wouldn't call it on.

You would love it. That's my answer. It's the best. Hanging with comedians, especially if they're like-minded comedians, there's still some ball breakers that aren't my favorites but if i'm hanging out with mike brabiglia or i was just hanging out eddie f did my podcast today it's heaven because they especially guys my age men and women my age they've been through a lot of the same stuff so you said trenches earlier but a, like, you're bonded by having shared this experience. And a lot of us, we were doing it alone. And now we all get to get together and be like, that was some shit. Right. And like, and, and support each other. And you do, you know, I have it with you guys right now, but it's nice to be able to just go. It's not weird. If I tell you I'm working on a bit about this and just kind of say it and then they kick it back to you. I love that with you.

When I do Pete's show, by the way, if you're interested, I've done, like you said, I've done Pete's show three times and you can check it out. It's called You Made It Weird, right? In Zach's defense, we don't say the name of the show a lot on the show. Yeah, you don't. There's no reason you should really know it. I've done it three times. I should be definitive in knowing that. No, I'm saying you shouldn't.

Every time you've done it, I haven't been like, welcome to You Made It Weird. I'm sitting here with Zach Bratt. It never comes up on the show. The reason I keep doing it, honestly, Pete, and I hope we graduate to being real friends in real life, but I just love coming and laughing with you. I think we have-

You love coming and laughing. I love coming. Yeah, you do. In that order, too. The release laughter. I love laughing with you. We have a very similar sense of humor. On the last time I did it, Donald,

we brought up Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, and spent the bulk of the episode just purely probably poorly quoting glenn gary glenn ross i would put it to mammoth himself that it was excellent i mean that movie all all my comedian friends or most of them are obsessed with that movie and it goes all the way up to seinfeld he's not my friend but like i know a lot of comedians that love that movie because it talks about the brutality of of selling your wares of like salesmen that have to use their personalities to like kind of get ahead so of course comedians

would relate well they must have loved our episode pete because that's mostly what we talked about yeah joe de rose and i text each other exclusively in glengarry quotes yeah i've i've exhausted the only gifts available on imessage to you i believe I believe. There's only a couple. There's always been closing. You have to go into Safari. Go into Safari. Yeah, will you help me find better Glen Ross gifts? Yeah. Pete, thank you so much for coming on.

I Am Not For Everyone is on Netflix on October 24th. That's right. Not a question mark, an exclamation point. Yeah. And audience, I'm telling you, I saw this live with Bill Lawrence. And I remember it was a holiday, right, Pete? It was Labor Day or Memorial Day? Yeah, it was a month. One of those days. And we were both kind of tired. And we said, let's go. It's Pete. He's

hilarious. It'll be great. And we went and I genuinely laughed my butt off. It's so funny and so smart. And I encourage you all to check it out thanks man donald say something nice about pete donald you're welcome anytime you salty yeah donald come do a go come on dodge in the pod are you willing to talk about are you willing to talk about star wars where are you on star wars because that's donald's favorite thing to talk about yeah he knows bill he knows bill burr he was in star wars that's how i found out who bill burr was actually because he was in the mandalorian right because he was on the mandalorian i was like who is this guy pete could you fill an hour with donald um talking about here are the key i had no clue that i had been watching him

like on the chapelle show back in the day and all oh yeah that racial draft yeah if you can do marvel star wars stop motion animation as a focus uh sports basketball if you could fill an hour with that donald will crush your podcast uh bag of dicks no i'm not gonna we're not gonna go into that um pete holmes we love you the special is called i am not for everyone yeah but pete in my mind you're for me you're definitely for me bro and that's what we've learned thank you definitely for me bro this is really really cool you are fucking batman dude you are thank you oh yeah the batman series is on youtube now we're dropping every thursday by the time this comes out they might all be out but we're firing everybody on the why didn't you

ask donald or me to be a character in that fucking thing if we thought thought Donald would do it, I'd leave you out of it. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. You invited your funny friends, but I never got the email. You'd be great. Who could I have played? We still have a lot of people to fire.

We need a Riddler. We could do Riddler. We want to do Poison Ivy, Commissioner Gordon. Who could Donald be? I could be any one of those people. You could be Gordon. Yeah, you could be modern Gordon. But Matt McCarthy is our Gordon. Who could Donald be? I could be any one of those people. Yeah, you could be Gordon. Yeah, you could be modern Gordon. But Matt McCarthy is our Gordon. Oh, you already got a Gordon. Sorry. Who can Donald be?

That's a great Gordon. The newest Gordon. I don't know, but the Batman just dropped. You're good at impressions. You do a nice... You don't do impressions on stage, but you are pretty good at impressions. They come out sometimes, and it devolved from good to pretty good. Do you want to give us a quick Al Pacino, and then we have to go, Pete?

Okay. I want to say thank you so much for having me on this podcast. It's been wonderful to sit with my friend, Zach Braff and Donald Faison. Faison. Al, it's Faison. Faison. No, no. Al Donald Faison. Faison. Faison. Faison. I've been to New Orleans.

It's Faison. How's your skin, son? I like my AIDS to be presentable. I have gum in my mouth. I should have taken it out. It's a little bit better without the gum. Al, we usually end the show by counting 5, 6, 7, 8. Would you count us out 5, 6, 7, 8 as Al Pacino?

Hell yeah. A 5, 6, 7. Here's some stories about a show we made. About a bunch of docs and nurses and a janitor who loved me. I said here's a story that we all should know. Hi, friends. I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Boyce. And we're here to introduce you to The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast that's guaranteed to light up your day.

Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more. We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions,

big and small, we'll talk through it together. Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Raquel Willis. Join me on my new podcast, Queer Chronicles, a show where LGBTQ plus folks tell their own stories in their own words. This season, teens will share all about growing up in political battleground states. We will always exist and we will definitely not let them take away our joy, no matter how hard they try. Listen to Queer Chronicles on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your most fabulous shows. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and I'm the host of the On Purpose podcast. And I had the opportunity to talk to one of Hollywood's major icons, Michael B. Jordan. In our conversation, Michael shares the highs, the lows, and everything in between, offering a genuine glimpse into his world. The closest to getting what you want is always the hardest. People give up right before they get what they've always wanted to get. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.