Fat Chance Podcast - All Time Amazon Reviews Ep.128

Episode Date: July 18, 2024

Michael tries his hand at TEMU Roulette. Judd can't get enough of these Amazon reviews. Jack and the Misses are on a honeymoon. We think... SPONSORED BY: Booze Better Supplements: Use the link below to start drinking better and recovering faster! https://www.supplementsolutions.us/?ref=67FwapSjNHdTKo PATREON!!!! patreon.com/fatchancestudios CHECK OUT THE NEW FAT CHANCE SHORTS CHANNEL!!! @FatChanceShorts https://youtube.com/@FatChanceShorts?si=wCjiBc0ddHEYk_bs Get your Chewzie TODAY! @TheChewzie https://www.thechewzie.com Check Out The Crew: Michael Cuske - @michaelcuske on everything Judd Reminger - @juddremingerscomedy7298 @juddreminger on all other socials Jack Cerasoli - @jackthedragon1 or @jack_c_comedy Diego Avila - @trashpimp (photography)

you wonder how they wipe you wonder like i got hair on my ass but i'm not worried that i'm gonna be catching strays um later in the day because you didn't get it all off it doesn't you don't he's got an ass full of hair that you think every time he shits he's got a shampoo afterwards We have a dentist tonight. Imagine. Imagine you. They just jackseize you. I wonder how it went, and I'm bleeding all over the basement. Because he's not going to be back until after this is done.

But also, you'll be at the dentist like this time. I don't like this. Be smarter than the machine. I don't like this. Be smarter than the machine. There it is. It's supposed to be tiny. You can't have a big one.

That is the world's shittiest model of a... It's a multi-tool. It is. It's also a screwdriver. It's barely a tool. Oh, my. It's barely a screwdriver. This might as well be an Ikea tool you just put on your key chain. It probably could build some Ikea furniture.

Listen, it opened your beer. What more do you want it to do? It hurt my fingy-wingies. All right. You're sensitive hands. Get it over here. You feel like we're far away. Yeah, as we should be.

Oh. Well, we might as well just talk about it we broke into jack's house we did break into jack's house we've missed jack's wedding we've broken into his house like we really want to be a part of jack's life but he's making it really fucking hard he makes it so hard for one for us to figure out the code, which is. Oh, my God. So I won't discuss like where they put the keys. We don't need to. But also, we have to figure out the number. And we've tried a lot of numbers.

We tried. Well, we're going to have to figure out how to silence some shit here. Yeah. Is that your phone? Or is that your computer? It's my computer. It's a nightmare when i have that going because it's connected to my phone yeah and also my phone goes off then my computer goes off i'm like oh

this is i've never heard anyone keep their computer that loud before what the hell does every single device you have just goes off you're full of devices and i just take it takes you one text message i am i am exactly what apple message and you're just bing, bing, bing, bing. I am. I am exactly what Apple wants. Yeah, you're the target customer. I'm exactly what Apple wants. They're just like, hey, I want when one thing goes off, your body vibrates. That's what we sell is just a massage devices. Yeah.

You're going to get like an iPhone belt or something. I want the least amount of devices possible now. When Apple gets you a t-shirt, you're going to wear it. Because they're sponsoring us. No, I took my Apple. So I was at the bachelor party this past weekend. Yes. And I took my Apple watch off because we're going in and out of the lake.

I just don't need it. I'm not going to talk to anyone. I already told the lady. I'm going to be MIA for a little bit. Then I just forgot to put it on Monday, Tuesday, and for my workout. So none of my workouts counted. But it was very freeing because I noticed how much, like, I noticed just secondhand nature.

I was like, I went to get on the treadmill, and I just went like this, and I touched my wrist, and I go, oh, I'm not i'm not wearing it i'm like oh i'm attached to this thing yeah and it felt so good and like tuesday i was like you know what no one's gonna even know i worked out this is great because i share it with some people oh i hated myself in that moment i'm like i'm sharing that i went on a walk well the thing is so i don't have um any wrist thing on me like i don't have any tracker or anything i used to and i the things i would want it to track is like baseball and running and like all these things that like so or basketball or anything i play it which would which is like is where it would break

like i had it oh yeah it would just break off my wrist. I'm like, well, this isn't good. Also, my big thing was I didn't want a big screen on my wrist. I don't have big wrists. I don't have a big wrist either, and I don't mind it. The worst is when you take it off, and you're like, well, I've been in the sun a lot because you just have that watch tan line because you wear it for everything.

If I had a normal watch, I'm not wearing that golfing. But it's an active watch. I'm like, oh, I'm going to wear this golf. They have a bunch of active things, though. I mean, I do when I run or I work out, I have the liners in my shorts that just hold my phone. Can't do that. Can't do that?

No, I like those liners for, like, everyday use. But if I'm running, I want the least amount on me as possible. You think that's heavy? Yeah. Well, no. If I had my phone's a fucking brick. It's the 10th, and so putting this in my pocket, I feel like it slows me down.

Which way is more, you or your iPhone? Yeah, I think it's my iPhone. I'm going to start running in circles because I'm going to start leaning to the left. That's why I got hip problems. That's fair. I don't like things in my pockets. I honestly hate having things in my pockets so much. When the Neuralink is a thing, I'm putting it in my head.

So I don't have to. You're going to try that? I'm not going gonna try it i also i also think it's for like people with disabilities well i'll be in line with people they'll be like i want to want to feel my legs again they're like i don't like things in my pockets and be like you know what you're a perfect candidate apple's they're gonna lose a lot of money but yeah but you're gonna have just but thing is, I like how connected it is. Like, I can't just go...

It is nice when I'm working on my computer and you text me about something or Rachel texts me and I can just quickly... True. I have it on my computer as well. That's so nice. It's so nice. And I realize how much I miss my watch

for just knowing people are communicating with me because, again, I don't like when things beep like that. I'm like, oh, shit, got to turn it off. So my phone, always on silent mode, always on silent mode. But my watch is on like the little vibrate mode. So if you call me or someone texts me, like, oh, cool, I don't need to look at my phone. I like that. If I'm not wearing it, which I wasn't last night, I had four missed FaceTime calls from my girlfriend.

She goes, what the fuck? I go, sorry, wasn't wearing my notification device. I love nowadays that if someone doesn't get back to you, you know that they are definitely just ignoring you. Ignoring you, yeah, you can't. Everyone has their phone with them. So if someone doesn't message you, they're ignoring you, okay? They're ignoring you um i would say nine

times out of ten they're definitely ignoring you there are a few people i think i'm one of them but like if you know you're if you're a very busy person and you see text messages like i will i'll read a message and then i will mark it as unread as a reminder to go back and do it yes and then all of a sudden you just forget that you have to text him back. Like I texted my buddy the other day cause I sent him some stickers and he texted me. I texted him 36 hours ago. He texted me back today and he goes, dude, sorry, I forgot.

I'll check tomorrow when I get back from work. And I'm like, okay, cool. Like not ignoring me. Just like it was a meaningless text kind of thing. I, I do the thing of, I skim a lot of messages. If it's a longer message, I'll skim it. What's a long message? I don't know.

A couple sentences. Not a lot. I'm a bad reader, so it's just like, shit, I'll just skim this one. Yeah. Are you a double texter? When you text, are you doing it each thought as a different message, or are you putting all of them in one? I mix it up.

I like the multiple messages until it gets past three, and I'm like, all right, just wait until they ask about it again, then you can bring it back up. Yeah. But if it's past three, and it looks like you're in a fight with your girlfriend and you're texting your buddy you got to cut it off you got to cut it off also you don't need to reply to every message rachel got me on this one because i wasn't a

person who would like like or heart or the emphasize messages or dislike that's a game changer yeah that is a game changer she'd be like like, oh, I'm making dinner tonight or I'm making enchiladas and then the next one will be like, so tomorrow we're going to do this. I don't need to respond to the enchilada message. I can just acknowledge that I saw it, hit like, move right on to the plans. The like thing is great for business or for like the comedy sides when I'm like booking somebody. Just know they saw it.

Yes. And I can know that they acknowledge it. So then I don't have to worry if like, you know, I give them the show time, give them that. And I don't give them anything that they need to,

they don't need anything to respond to it, but they can just say like it so that they know that they saw it, you know? Yeah. It's great. Yeah. It's kind of like in comic world,

acknowledge the fucking light so I know, you know, to get off. Yeah, it just doesn't matter. We had a show Friday, and there was a person I was like, I'm not going to name names, but they ran the light, the first comedian, the first comedian ran the light,

which was a tough way to start it. We had enough time that we could wiggle with it. But I'm like, all right, not everyone can run the light. Let's just. Yeah, it's hard to set that precedent. Like, oh, we didn't really make a big deal out of the first person. And if there's someone that has a tendency to do it. Yeah.

One of the last couple of shows I was on, there was a kid. It was his, I think, second show ever or first show ever. And he just didn't understand what the light was like he was one of those like comedians like hey you're you're kind of your personality's so funny we know you'll do well in this room so he got booked and he killed it but I showed him the light and he looked at me he goes and then no flash photography he just kept going and then I like gave him the light again he goes what and I'm like do you know what this means he goes i have no clue what you're doing right now like you got to get off stage two minutes ago and then it was just like a whole thing

i don't know if you know who it is oh that's good i probably maybe i have a, but it's probably wrong. And we're back. Are you a big product? Do you buy a lot of products like Amazon Prime Day? Yeah. No. I'm a big, ooh, it's Amazon Prime Day. Let's see what the deals are. Fantasize about buying a bunch of things because it's on sale,

and then never buy any of it. How much shit is in your cart? Probably four things right now. Oh, you put it in your cart? I'm like, oh, I'm a big I'll save it for later kind of guy. I'm like, you know what? If I really want it, then I'll get it. That's the kind of person.

I struggle. I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to get it to get it. I did it this week, though. I tried out Timu for the first time. I just like, you know what? I'm just going to get it to get it. I did it this week, though. I tried out Teemu for the first time. I just want to see what happens. If it's legit, I know most of it's not going to be legit. You just got to buy the right stuff, I think.

It's like when Wish was a thing. You've seen it. I remember when I saw you at the Packer game, you had the Jordan Love jersey on know the jordan love jersey on and i was like oh i like that i'm gonna get one because you got off that yeah i got it off uh chinese yeah yeah so like you just need to know what to expect and like don't really buy electronics kind of thing so i was like when you get onto timu right away they're like you get 300 it says in the disclaimer like don't worry about the spin

you're going to get the best one every time and so like it got to a point it's like if you buy three things from this list of and it's a million things um they're going to give you 300 in coupons you don't know what the coupons are but i'm like it's so enticing and everything's like anywhere from two to fifteen dollars and so i'm going through it and i put like three things in my car i'm like it's twenty dollars i'm gonna get three hundred dollars back and then i'm like do i really need a motion censored light for my bathroom no um however i was like because i i saw people could buy like golf bags on there yeah i'm like you could do a golf you can't really fuck that up too much and like maybe there's a cool one so i went back on and they're like all right here's you get three free things

and i was like okay and i just put it on i said free i was like all right now you get like 30 dollars back on something and so i was like i'm gonna get some cheap stuff and then i'm gonna buy something for 30 or try it out yeah so i bought a pin that says like, put them up motherfuckers. And it's a duck with two pistols. It's a pin like a. Yeah. I'm going to put it somewhere in here. I bought a knife sharpener for my girlfriend because she does not have sharp knives.

And I'm like, you know what? At least two stones together is better than nothing. Yeah. And then I bought athletic shorts and those are my free items. And I'm sorry I'm going on a rant. And then I bought athletic shorts, and those were my free items. And I'm sorry I'm going on a rant. And then I was like, you know what? I always wanted to try one of these out. And then I bought a drone.

You escalated to drone real quick. It says it was a $250 drone that I bought for $30. A Timo drone. Yep. Wow. It gets in the three products that I first mentioned get in tomorrow. The drone gets in, I think, next Monday. If it gets through customs.

I don't know. No, the drone said it was at a local warehouse, so it's going to get there quicker. I was like, all right. They have policies. I did all my research. It's a legitimate website, and it's encrypted. It's just the quality of the product sucks because I was worried. Stop saying encrypted, and then you can say it's a legitimate website

and then say, oh, it's also encrypted. No, encrypted is a good thing. When you put your financials in, it's secure. So when you – here's a fun fact for people. If you're on a website and you're looking to buy something, let's say you click on a sketchy Instagram ad, all right, and you go to checkout and you're in the part where you put in your numbers. If it says HTTP, don't buy it.

If it says HTTPS, it is safe. The S actually means secured. So it's like a legitimately secure website. So if it says just, if there's no S at the end of HTTP, don't buy it. But, I mean, I did it like I was still freaking out. I'm like, all right. So I put, it's delivered to my address, my phone numbers, my work landline. Um, I'm pretty sure I said I was a female or something.

I'm like, I am all over the place. It's good when they ask you what you are. And it's funny. It's like, they know, like they, they make a lot of money off selling your information. Like they they make a lot of money off selling your information. So they literally said, be aware of scam texts or emails that say, hey, USPS cannot deliver your package. Please put in your new information. And I got two of them today. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. You'll never get that email that FedEx is here.

You know. Oh, never. i not once i got it and i clicked on the lick once and i was like this doesn't seem right yeah they'll get so many people scammed are you a review guy do i look at the reviews or do i give a review that's two different things give a review fuck no have you given a review i've only given one review in my life and I got a guy fired. Jesus. Yes. Well, the game today is Amazon Reviews. Oh, yes. So, basically,

there's so many crazy products in Amazon. There's so many awesome reviews and people actually taking it seriously. But I'm going to give you a review and then you have to give me what product it's for. Okay. Okay? So I'm going to try and not give away the product. Okay.

Are these going to be products I kind of know? Yes and no. But also, the review might help you figure out what it is. But, all right. Life is hard for us big heads are you like me are you a size eight hat size you can't find a fitted hat and this makes you feel bad about yourself my melon is 24.8 inches i was stoked about this because the advertisement size led me to believe that I could wear it. I opened up the package and put it on. Rip.

It isn't for me. I'm out $20 due to my genetics from my mother's side. Ugh. What do you think the product is? This is either a replica medieval helmet or a Spider-Man mask. Ooh, you are so close. It is a Batman mask. Is that Jack?

Isn't that... That could be anyone's dad. That could be anyone's dad. For sure. Also, I love that it's just the kind of guy that's like, you know what my biggest complaint in life is?

Is that my head's too big. You know that he was. But like also really interested in dressing up as Batman. Like that better be a Halloween costume. And then so mad that he's willing to write a review. Yeah. Okay. All right.

All right. I was close. I'm giving myself no points, but I'm giving myself brownie points You were very close Firstly, assemble for this product Was frustrating in endeavor The cushions provided Were incredibly thin The attachment metal frame

Was flimsy at best When you tried to use the product It ripped apart And was unable to withstand slight pressure the slippery metal frame only adds discomfort and danger and the cushions immediately slid off the the device is a serious concern when attempting attempting to use it, it would collapse 100% securely locked. It's poorly made, and unfortunately, my son phoned out this firsthand. What is it?

A metal device with cushions? Is this like a DIY porta potty? No, it's not. Do I port-a-potty? No, it's not. It's a metal swing, and the person took a picture of the sun when they fell off it. Oh, my God. My favorite thing is someone under this review put, you know, you can write if this was helpful or not put, I like how you just took the picture instead of helping them.

So if you couldn't see it very well in the video, it is a combination of what should be a nice leisurely, like the stand itself looks like, oh, I'd put this in my backyard with a wooden bench and me and the missus at the age of 75 can swing on it overlooking a pond full of ducks but the chair itself looks like a playground for a prison yeah it looks like a prison bench blue that chips off real easily and you see the metal underneath all right okay all right um this one i'm going to give away what alright okay alright this one I'm going to give away what it is

but you have to tell me the kind of it okay buy this book or don't I don't care anymore it used to be that I got home from work and the only thing that I wanted to do is put in my mouth a cold barrel of my grandfather's

shotgun. But then I discovered, then I discovered chicken Teresini and now there are two things that I want to put in my mouth. What is this book? This is a Martha Stewart cookbook. Rachel Ray cookbook. This is Snoop Doggg's cookbook this is sony allison's microwave for one cookbook microwave for one dude we could make our own cookbook whoa okay wait go for, and then I'll tell you something. I don't know if it's embarrassing or not, but go ahead. Did you make a cookbook? I tried.

You tried to make a cookbook? But, like, not really. Oh, no. You can't take stuff back. No, but, like, I'll explain, but, like, what were you going to say? I was going to say we should make a Fat Chance cookbook. We could, but so I wanted to make – it's kind of along the lines of what we probably would do, but you know how people have, have like the four dummies books?

Like when I got really into cooking over the pandemic, I was like – and I was – I just got back from Miami. And I'm like I'm looking for a job. And I was like I need to go not apply for jobs all the time. So I'm like, you know, it would be fun like starting to like – and it was teaching me to write bits. But like write like a cookbook for dummies because you look at the one of my biggest pet peeves and you look for a recipe online is that it's a fucking blog say i want to know how to make chicken pot pie i do not care that your dead uncle loved it in the fall before the 49ers played the dolphins it's like no one

gives a shit okay that he sat on the couch every year in the same spot tell me how many frozen peas i need to put in this fucking pot pie okay that's it and you just like you go to recipe and just do this yeah i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it but in these recipes are also like these fucking hardos i was like you need a dutch oven or you need like this contraption this contraption it's like no one has the Dutch oven or you need like this contraption or this contraption. It's like no one has the ingredients. So it was more like a translation. So I was like, what is a Dutch oven?

I'm like, it's a pot with a lid. Just that's all it means. So it was like a translation for dummies kind of cookbook. And then put in our own jokes. Like we could do it. It'd be fun. I have a whole list somewhere. We could make a lot of stuff.

I mean, my mac and cheese we could make. The cup of mac and cheese we could make. Oh, we definitely could. We could make a lot of stuff. I mean, my mac and cheese we could make. A cup of mac and cheese we could make. Oh, we definitely could. We could make a lot of fun things. There's a lot of things we should be doing. We need time and help. But we ain't saving me. All right.

Continue. Next one. The next review is, my mime class went ape crazy over this stuff. Comments range from... Two. Never seen people so excited. What is the product?

My mind class? Mime class. Your mime class. And people went... Oh. This has got to be... Got to be like fart spray or a set of flaming bowling pins. It's a lot easier than that.

Is it like face paint? It's white face paint. Oh, it's white face. Usually if someone goes like this, it's not whiteface. That was a funny one. All right. Another review. Unfortunately, I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest,

but this shirt is very useful in colder weather. What is the shirt? Oh, until you said colder weather, I was going to say this guy has a tuxedo t-shirt tattooed to his chest, which would have been incredible. Would have been amazing. Which would have been an incredible tattoo. But it's good for, this shirt is good for colder weather. It's just a t-shirt.

It's just a t-shirt. It's good for colder weather. I don't know, is it a Chewbacca t-shirt. It's just a t-shirt? It's good for colder weather? I don't know. Is it a Chewbacca t-shirt? Ooh. No, it is three wolves howling at the moon. He has a t-shirt.

Yeah, isn't that wild? I love that. I will send any one of our listeners $50 if they tattoo a tuxedo t-shirt onto their chest. It won't nearly pay for the tattoo, but it's a fun little gimmick and a nice reward. Also, if you have any Fat Chance tattoos, I know we have one out there. We have one of them. We can get more. Congrats on your bachelorette party, by the way. Do you say congrats for a bachelorette party?

Yeah, I don't know. No, you don't. Guess what? Good job of partying. Good job of partying. Good job partying. No. She has her wedding on the same day as the other guy that I'm best man for and I'm

supposed to be the minister. Minister of defense? Yeah, I was supposed to be the officiant for her wedding. She had her bachelorette party the same day he had his bachelorette party. They just can't fucking figure out how to switch it up. Not that I was going to go to the bachelorette party the same day he had his bachelorette party. They just can't fucking figure out how to switch it up. Not that I was going to go to the bachelorette party, but... Congratulations.

This is a long one, but it's a wild one. If you receive any package containing this, discard it immediately. Do not open. Keep it away from small children and the elderly. It will not only erase all your hard drives, but it away from small children and the elderly.

It will not only erase all your hard drives, but it also deletes anything on a disk within 20 feet of your computer. I had stripped all my credit cards and reprogrammed anything that had ATM access. It screwed up my VCR and my CD player. It recalibrated my fridge. And no longer have all my ice cream is all melting. It's almost like my dog meows and my cat barks now. This is terrible, is dangerous, and terrified to behold. It's rather interesting shade of white as well.

It's a rather interesting shade of white as well. Remove all tags from this product. It's very serious. Many have been infected by this type of product. Do not buy. What do you think it is? It was all over the place first i would say it's those like magnetic rocks you could buy yeah just do whatever and then it's white and i'm going more towards lava lamp but keep away from children and the elderly yeah white um it could just be

people um and it has like a weird white texture, like look to it. Am I going to know what this is? Is it just glue? Oh, it's just milk. It's whole milk. That is a review for whole milk. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to give kids whole milk. That's like right when they're done with the tit milk.

This is fun. I like this. All right. This next one is. Did you write that review for milk? I did not write that. I love milk. I think that was just some person who doesn't like they're trying to stay away from milk.

Okay. All right. All right. Big on. This next product. I don't know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn't work. I'm still going to get abducted by aliens on a regular basis.

One star. Oh, this has to be a tinfoil hat. Or like, it's just tinfoil. It's got to be tinfoil. It is a UFO detector. Wait, let me see this. Why does it look like a fucked up lava lamp? Yeah, it's basically what it is.

It has lights and a sticker on it. It looks like someone put, like, the solar system in three little curves and put, like like cop lights underneath it and that's i don't know if this is scam or if mine is broken but if it doesn't work i'm still getting abducted by ufos on a regular basis you know what i love is like i'm still getting a oh he still is getting yeah yeah by ufos i don't know if this is a scam or it's broken jesus all right uh one star there are no wolves in this movie I don't know if this is a scam or it's broken. Jesus. All right. One star.

There are no wolves in this movie. Wolf of Wall Street? This is a Wolf of Wall Street review. Nailed that one. Received this as a gift for my 18th birthday. Wish I had known what it was because as soon as I touched it, I grew a mustache, became a Navy SEAL, my mom fainted, and my dad laughed and handed me a beer.

I was born a girl. Minus two stars because my breasts were really nice. What is the product? Is it a blow-up doll? A vagina? I was a girl and then I grew a mustache. Is it a dildo? What's going on?

Is it just a cup of coffee? It is Wagner's 1,699 Swiss Army Knife. It has everything you need to be a man. This is the most manly thing in the world. Okay, when you did this, how did you find these, by the way? Did you Reddit these? Did you just go through and just look up weird Amazon reviews? I'm not going to give away what I did. If you made it up, great.

But if that's a legitimate product out there, and you know, we're buying it. We're going to go buy that for Prime Day. Or I'll find it on Timu for $2.99. Do you think you'd get a bottle open with this? Probably not. I'd probably slice my fucking hand open. At least I'm swearing. Alright, this next product,

title, Saved My Marriage. It's that Swiss Army knife. Yeah. What can I say about this product that already hasn't been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone? This is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the blank. It's one of those chores that no one wants to do. You know, the old, I spent the entire day rearing our children.

Maybe you can pitch in a little bit and cut these blank. And, of course, you think I haven't the energy to slave over these damn blanks? I worked 12-hour shift and came home to this? These are the things that destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our six-year-old in the bedroom reenacting our blank fight that we had with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. Thank God I found this product. Our marriage has never been healthier and we've incorporated it into our lovemaking. Thank you this product. Our marriage has never been healthier, and we've incorporated it into our lovemaking. Thank you, product.

So they were upset someone had to cut the grass. Ooh. Is that it? You didn't cut the grass? Did they hire, like, a Mexican to do it? I don't think you can get that on Amazon. They had to cut the cheese. Is it, like...

You're getting warmer. Is it they cut the bread? They had cut cut the cheese. Is it like... You're getting warmer. Is it they cut the bread? They had to cut the kids off? Is it like insulated pants? Because they were smelling so much in the bedroom? You ready? Yeah.

It is the 571B banana slicer. I had to cut the fucking bananas. Yeah. Oh my god. You know those pesky bananas that you have to slice? God forbid I get home

after a 12 hour shift and I got a slice of fruit that you can break apart easier than any other fruit on this planet. You can cut it

with your hands. This one's probably my favorite. That's worse than I hate the avocado slicers. Where it's like, here, it'll help you get the pit out, and then it's just all the lines right there. Same with the watermelon one. Just cut the fruit. Yeah, they're just trying to make your life simpler.

I went pretty dark with hiring a Mexican to cut the lawn, didn't I? Maybe. Okay. All right. This one just said good product, okay? Oh, so this is a rave review. Got five stars, good product. It said, makes my farts sound louder.

The hair must have acted as an interlocking silencer. Give it a big thumbs up, five out of five. Oh, this has got to be like a Gooch trimmer or like Manscaped. Is it a nose hair trimmer and they just put it down there? You're so close. Is it hot wax and duct tape? No. It's Veet Men Hair Removal Gel.

It's like Nair. Yeah. Veet. We're going to Veet that hair right out of your ass. Veet, hire us for your next promo campaign. We'll veet the hair right off Jack's head. We'll veet our buttholes. I'll veet my butthole.

Yeah, I'll veet my butthole. I got a... I saw one of the hairiest buttholes of my life at the bachelor party. Let's be honest. You've seen your buddy's asses before. You've seen him. You've seen him. He had a lot of hair on his ass.

And you know when it's going, it just got really dark as it went closer. I'm like, oh, that sucks. You wonder how they wipe. You wonder, like, I got hair on my ass, but I'm not worried that I'm going to be catching strays later in the day because you didn't get it all off. He's got an ass full of hair that you think every time he shits, he's got to shampoo afterwards.

Moving on. We'll sit in that one. We'll sit in that. Anyways, welcome back, everyone. Hi, Mama Kuski. She ain't watching. Oh, damn it. Hey, Buzz.

What's up? Oh, Buzz, yeah. You got a hairy ass? Buzz is a girl, right? Buzz is definitely an old grandma. No, she's a young grandma. On a day over 29. Yeah, okay, Kuski.

Keeping your pants. All right, this one says, Just don't unless you want to gift someone you hate. Okay? Oh, man, words cannot describe what happened to me after I ate these. Oh, man, words cannot describe what happened to me after I ate these. If you have someone that you cannot tolerate and sugar is this substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, run.

First of all, for taste, I would rate these five out of five. So good, soft, tasteful, chewy. Like the sugar variety, I would rate these five out of five. So good. Soft. Tasteful. Chewy. Like the sugar variety, I was a happy camper. But this is when it gets turning. Oh, this is like a two-parter? Oh, yeah. This is a long one. This is one of those texts you skim?

This is a ride. This is a ride. But, and I should say but, not long after eating all hell break loose i had i'd gas like i've never experienced before cramps sweating bloating beyond my worst nightmares i've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that almost skipped in the park. And that was almost a skip in the park to what was inside of me. Then came farts. Heaven. These were the worst triumphant things from demons of hell that I've ever experienced.

It was like a rotting corpse of ten thousands vomit. I couldn't stand being in the same room as my own odors. But wait, there's more. What came next is felt someone like a funnel from Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincter was screaming. I've never felt my delicate starfish was gaping projectile vomit, fish was gaping projectile vomit toxic toxic waste 100 liquid flammable napalm it's actually a little bit humorous just beyond anything i could possibly imagine and it went on for hours i violently was it it violated when it was over which I think it might still be the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2015.

I've had five pounds of these delicate, the product, so I bought five pounds of it. So so my friend i told my friend what happened and thinking i had some type of sensitivity to the sugar substitute in spite my warnings of graphic detail she took her chances to take them off my hands silly woman all the same for her i got a phone call while she was on the toilet because she ended up having sleep there and told me she really wished she listened and started crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were over-exaggerating, so she took him to work and since said 99% of the bag has been eaten. She works at a construction company and there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, lots of people who generally limit access to toilet on a given day. I can't imagine where these poor men and women have pooped that day. I keep imagining the people on the roof crossing their legs and deciding to just jump off then take the ladder.

In order for these, if you ordered these, best of luck. Please don't post a video review of anything after the shocks. There's warnings or disclaimers that are not

posted and I'm not a moron. Also, I don't get why so many people have rated these five stars. I'm a woman, and when it comes, I'm not afraid of poop, but please heed my warning. What is this product? Not a clue. This is either a laxative, Pepto-Bismol chews, or Flintstone gummies. Mmm. The last one's the closest. These are the sugar-free

gummy bears from Harbro. Wow. You can get them in a five-pound bag. And these guys are just shitting their bricks? Just terrible. Do you know what it was? Someone got fired from Haribo and was like, you know what? My last final act, I'm putting a little Miralax in the mixture for these gummies. That's what that is.

That's insane that everyone that touches them just instantly. That or it's another made-up story. So on that one, there's millions and millions of comments about this shit. And they do it as pranks now. You know? Really? They prank people with them. They're like, oh.

I wonder what's in it. It's probably something that they put in a laxative. It's whatever the sugar substitute is, probably. Miralax. Probably. Yeah. It's just terrible. Yeah.

Well, I got one right. But i think i was close on a few yeah it's also like hard to tell what they are very hard to tell yeah that was a good one i like that one jack would have liked that one yeah there's a lot of just fun reviews that you can just look up reviews are fun there was something i was going to bring up on the review scale oh so i went and i did a little uh open mic yesterday at a pop or whatever it is yeah uh the gay bar across from steinies yeah didn't know it was a gay bar when i walked in okay um but that's besides the point i i got there i got there a little early so i could sign up and then i walked in i realized there's no one here. I'm not,

I don't want to sit in a bar. I'll just go sit in my car and sell my phone. So I sat in my car for like 15 minutes and at seven Oh three, I got out of my car and I was like, you know what? The mic has started. I didn't see a lot of people go in. I'm going to go in. I'll put my name a little bit on the list. People are warmed up. I'm good to go. I walked out at 7.20. I got in my car, drove two blocks down the road, and I see a little receipt flapping in the window. I got a parking ticket for $125 three minutes after I got out of my car, which means some little prick in Milwaukee. $100.

$125. Here are my thoughts. I'm going to look again. Whichever little prick was waiting in the parking lot to give me this ticket. Okay. Don't like you. That's a very crappy thing to do. Also, I've never seen this kind of ticket before.

And I'm a little worried. worried not worried but it's fake because it had on there's usually when you get a ticket you can correct me it says like if you want to dispute this you can call here here here there is no that like hey if you want to see pictures of your car go here and then there's a qr code to take you to the payment and said if you pay within the first 15 days, you get a discount and it brings it all the way down to $45. Real incentive to, it's an $80 incentive. Yeah. Which is so smart. If this is a scam, and I think it is,

they threatened to send me to collections. I don't know how they're going to do that. is a scam and i think it is they threatened to send me to collections i don't know how they're going to do that um but if i was um you know big ticket or whatever it is i'm definitely making every parking ticket a hundred dollars and if you pay it in the first week it's only 30 that you're going to get so many more parking tickets paid over the like threat of having to pay more yeah well usually if you give them from the city, it's usually, like, if you don't pay, it just goes up. Well, they're like, it's secure parking.

They're like, it was event parking. I go, no, it's not. Like, I walked in, there were no signs. I can see there were signs that were turned around, put away in the lot that they would use for event parking in event of an event, but they were all turned around, whatever.

Everyone was parked in there. And then I had a ticket. I was like, interesting. So I don't think I'm going to pay it. Okay. What is, do you think it's going to show up in your record? I don't really give a shit. I don't care.

I really don't. It's just, it's one ticket i get parking tickets a lot i'm i'm on that i'm on that i just park why is parking so hard why are we making it so hard i don't know i i seriously hate how like by going downtown they they have like put bags over parking meters. Why? It's also so confusing. The signs tell you one thing. The bags tell you another. Your buddy in the passenger seat is telling you a third.

You're like, I don't know what to do. The amount of times the parking laws have kept me from even doing what I wanted to do. Like if I knew about that sign because everywhere else was full. Yeah. Like for the most part, I would be be like i'm just not doing stand-up tonight like i'm not gonna pay 15 go talking to mike for four dollars like that's ridiculous i'm like i'm just not doing stand-up then yeah you're probably gonna get more business if you have free parking i get in the city you can't always have a parking lot but seriously go fuck yourself. That was very funny.

Also, I see a lot of people with Teslas. And I saw someone have a Tesla and they don't have a garage. Well, they definitely then go park it. I'm like, that's wild. Tesla, no garage, like to charge it? Yeah. There are a lot of parking structures. I don't think Milwaukee has a lot right now but um the few times i've gone i go to denver like once or twice a year

um most of their parking structures now all have the electronic reserve parking stations i think they're starting to put it in my old um apartment building um so that you kind of get primo parking which is really nice garage but parking garage where they just parked on the street you saw it yeah maybe they just had a good enough charge that's fair but still that's very funny to me that stuff scares me like that's the one thing i don't like about it's not the only thing i don't like about the electric car thing but um like you let's say you're going on a road trip with your tesla and it's like oh you're saving on gas it's like yeah but you know when you go get gas in your normal car because you're running low

on a road trip you're like hey we gotta get gas and then you're back on the road in 10 minutes it's not the case that they're like hey we gotta go gas we're adding 45 minutes to this you gotta be such a good planner for that so you know hey, we're getting lunch here, and it happens to be where... Yeah, you've got to plan very well on those trips. I'm not that person. I'm not a planner like that. That's what Rachel's for. Like, hey, find where the Tesla hotspots are and if there's any good food.

Because I'm a big efficiency person if i'm like hey this is a four hour drive this better not take longer than four and a half with stops have you seen a cyber truck yet i've seen two now in the world and they were within four days of each other it's a sight to see it is it's something yeah it just looks like a two-year-old drawing a truck. It's very funny. Who was that with? Like, oh, it's a Cybertruck. The guy in the passenger seat was like, why do they call it a truck? We're like, I don't know.

That's a very good point. It's a good point. Very good point. It's a very good point. I guess we can do some promotion. Booze better, be better. Did you take some booze better this weekend? Yes, and people are swearing by it as well. Uh, booze better, be better. Did you take some booze better this weekend? Yes.

And people are swearing by it as well. I gave it to the groom to be, and he's like, dude, I didn't think he got that hung over. And I was like, Hey, I have this booze better stuff. And everyone was asking about it. They're like, why is it better? And I, I went through the list of things that we've gone over a million times. And, um, he's like, I'm like,

I'll split one with you. Cause I only had like two left. And he goes, okay. And the next morning he goes, I don't know what's in that shit, but you're giving it to me tonight too. And then he fell asleep before me.

And he's like, dude, I'm a little off today. I go, he didn't have the booze better. Sure. Gave it to him the last day. And he's like,

yeah, this is great. I gave it to another, I gave another guy just like a quarter of the packet. he goes i feel pretty good this morning like no the whole either we're all superheroes or booze better saved a few of our asses because i woke up each morning i was like this is great yeah i'm feeling pretty good a little groggy but that's just because you went to bed at two and you're waking up at 6 37 kind of thing. Yeah. Booze better. Booze better.

We have our golf outing. August 24th. Deer track. We are filling up on spots. We actually don't have that many left, which is great. We're going to run down a few sponsors right now. It just says a big thank you. Paradise Builders and Jake Gilbertson Exteriors,

thank you once again for being sponsors. Both championship-level sponsors. They are day ones for us when it comes to the Fat Chance Classic. Hashtag day one. The Milwaukee Improv has just joined us, and I believe they're going to be our third championship sponsor. They will be sponsoring our heckle hole, which is gonna be great um there is wisconsin you know um a lovely very funny local wisconsin brand um selling all sorts of stuff out of wisconsin he does the fit patrol

um brock cookers all that stuff he's um fridge bricks very nice guy he will be there he'll set up a tent he says he has a few surprises for the hole. If you do want to sponsor a hole, by the way, before I finish them, you can make this hole whatever you want. We have a few holes that are designated for special contests and competitions. Other than that, you can do whatever you want. If you want to bring super soakers and soak all the participants,

do it at your own risk, but go for it. I don't care. You can play Fruit Sale by the Wiggles on repeat for four hours. That could be your hole, and I'm all for it. Yeah, it's going to be a blast. August 24th, get your team in, come out, Oconomowoc, Wisconsin. It's going to be a blast. I'm excited.

Do you have anything else? Do we miss anything else? We're missing besides Jack. Yeah, we decided we put a camera on Judd's alter ego, but for Jack's privacy, we had to turn it off. We said too many things that were unspeakable. He had a horrible accident, and there's a picture of him right there, but we don't want to show it to you.

He actually lost both his feet, so he's not going to be wearing socks anymore, which might just kill us. But, I mean, they're really cutting us off at the feet. Well, your sock purgators will be back with another episode next week. What song do we end this with? Dude, I don't know. The normal one because it's going to save me time

because this is coming out literally tomorrow. I'm not going to give you more time to edit. Peace.