Fat Chance Podcast - Bad Advice & Choir Dangers Ep.152

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

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Hello hello hello check check Mike Josh check check Mike Mike check check no they work It's just now there's some stupid gap and I'm gonna have to figure out how to do that Just start it now Have any gold Our ex wants us back, baby We're the luckiest man We've never said anything funny on this show.

We're back with Josh Smith. Hey, thanks for having me, guys. It's been about six months in the library. Yes. He has speed robberies. Smoking outside the library, West Ellis doesn't. Rapid fire? Yeah, yeah.

Recap? Josh likes liquor. Anybody doing dry January? We all have a beer in our hands. That was my joke. That was my joke. But like. Sip and say, huh, huh, huh. What was your joke?

I don't do comedy. Only what? My joke last week was in Wisconsin, dry January just means you don't, or you just have sweet wines. Or don't have sweet wines. It went over as well last week. Yeah, I'm still processing. No, no, you don't have sweet over and don't have last week yeah processing no you don't have sweet wines try January you just have dry wines oh I thought you're

trying to say like wet wines that would have been I said what wines I don't understand wine so I said what it's sweet and dry yeah yeah yeah cut that Cut that Our ex wants us back baby $15 Total recall yeah We just keep doing it over and over and over some fun and tiktok is where Where everyone runs everyone runs backwards and then they turn to see if it's how close it is to their actual run forward. Give me an example.

Can you cut this? Can you cut me running backwards? Can we do this? Pods about four minutes long. Guys, I have so much to do. to not make me cut any of it. Yeah. Please don't make me cut any of it. I already got to blur out a few things. Honestly, that makes me laugh more than anything.

And it's how annoyed I get with it. Yeah, it's because the full circle moment. It is not a full. I you get my frustration. Yeah. But like I said, there's because it's a full circle moment it is not a full I you get my frustration yeah but like I said there's got to be a point where if they pay a certain amount again $15 is not that amount correct well I also think that what if we get to do an interview with somebody that's only half us what What do you mean? Only half the cameras work. What if we do another one of those? That'd be fun. Oh yeah. But what if this time it's the

other camera that doesn't work? That's for two people in the room and because he's having flashbacks of terrible terrible memories. on moving on please so how's your guys the week did you have do anything fun no there's not shit to do in the liquor business in January so it's actually kind of nice it's like pretty intense for December and then I can sleep in and show up and make you guys want anything nope all right see right. See you later. Pretty much the exact opposite. When does it when does it pick back up in February?

I mean, if the Packers do what they need to do, it always helps business out. But after that, I mean, what's the next holiday? Valentine's Day, President's Day, wine. Abraham Abraham Lincoln's birthday called Federalist, that one sells that one day maybe? Um, yeah, I don't know, it's kind of a lull for a while. Do you sell that Snoop Dogg wine? No.

19 crimes, is that it? Yeah. That's funny, have you ever done the actual, like, at the app? He'll talk to you through the app. Really? Yeah, I haven't done that. I, when my, um, one of my best friends from high school, she got married, uh, my gift to them was a nice letter and then a bottle of Snoop Dogg wine. You'd send, you'd give them a letter? Yeah. I was supposed to

officiate their wedding and I couldn't cause I had my other best friend's wedding that I was the best man in. And so I just wrote a letter of like what I would have said in very nice words. Um, it was a very sweet moment. I made someone cry. It was cool Yeah, but like good cry happy cry not a sad cry. Oh We still like that. Yeah, it means you mean something to some way, okay? Like I'd like to think I mean a little something to you probably I probably mean more to you We then him you've never made me happy cry, but we ever made you sad cry Yeah, when you didn't show up when we're on TV you with a ball you got more time

No more time, you know the cameras would have been on me instead. Yeah I thought I watched that video and I was like I'm 65% of the way through and the only time I saw me is they zoomed in on my hands and I could tell it was me just because of my shirt and I was like this is all that I'm gonna be like I'm only going to be in this and then at the very end that sucked. Hey, you know, no shows. I smacked that ball, but I didn't make it. I mean, yeah, you kept smacking it off the wall. Yeah. The left. No, that was like three weeks ago. I was I was straightening them out a little bit. We'll get it one day. But the best thing about that, that that thing is like people reached out to me that I didn't even know.

And they're like, what is this? What is this? What is this? What are you? What are you on the news for? And I and I didn't want to like tell them whiffle ball. Also, could they not have watched the full video? I didn't put the link in. Oh, yeah, you should. I just put the headshot of local idiot gets. Yeah. So it could have been anything. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't show anyone. I know I mean I texted the link to a lot of people. You texted me like 30 minutes after he texted me. I'm like oh I've seen this. Watch it again. Thank you. So if you want to go see it figure out how to use the internet what news channel is that on CBS 58 your local news

In Wisconsin. Yeah in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Go see it spoiler. That's where we are Yes, I love this By the way some news happen that I do want to ask the viewers about Pete Davidson came out with something viewers about um Pete Davidson came out with something is he gay now no he but he did say that men should never show their feet that's a bold statement well he's he's now part of a uh he uh is like linked to a sock company and stuff like that but he says that men should never show their feet how do we feel about their feet i agree I agree campaign for yeah yeah

okay I think feet are the most disgusting part of someone's body we've gone over this a million times I have mad respect for anyone that watches us for a little twinkly toes but feet are so disgusting so disgusting they're worse than the butthole yeah what that is that's why do you know how hard it would be to get a butthole right in the chat yeah coming up here for butthole coming right here for guess what nothing's gonna be there's no context here but like or butthole. Feet or butthole. How about this? Like for feet, comment for butthole. Because I think the comments, we could mix them up a little bit.

And maybe we could get a few extra likes. Instead of making me edit left and right, we increase the engagement. This is not as possible because we're talking about buttholes right now. Here's the thing. The reason I say this, it's much easier for you to force your feet near my face

And what would be to force your asshole near my face? Whoa? again interesting the force is the weird part in that yeah, but you're like I could just Put my feet right to your face right now, and I don't like that. I don't like it If you were like I'm gonna put my ass on your face It would take you a while and there's no way I would let it happen, but you would you like it No, I would prefer I would prefer neither I'd like to take a deep Yeah, you know a man's butthole definitely you're digging a hole a butthole a butthole yeah but no buts I mean feet are around you probably more than you think I don't do you clean your butthole I would hope so how do you clean your

butthole I clean my butthole more than I clean. We need to get off. Let's finish this. Let's wipe and move on. I know a bunch of people already did. Let's not delete any of this. Start it over. Where are we at? Yeah where we click the button again. I definitely clean my butthole more than my feet. Oh I mean, that's a good point. Okay, how do you shower? What's your routine for washing your body? Do you do you actually scrub down your legs every time or do you let gravity do the work and let this over? Absolutely. Yeah, I don't think my shins do the work and let the soap run. Absolutely. I don't think my shins get enough.

I don't think my shins. My shins, the foreleg, gets no love. I think my shins. Would you go past to the feet to wash those, though? Well, growing up, my parents would say, you gotta wash your feet. You gotta wash your feet. I don't do it.

You're standing. All the soap runs down, and water's constantly hitting your feet. I feel like your feet are the cleanest part after a shower. Yeah, so why are you so afraid? I just don't like feet. I think they're ugly. I think they're ugly What do you I talked about this with Diego feet everything else on your body makes sense it looks Symmetrical it looks like it has a use Yes, I get feet look like they kind of use but feet are the equivalent of cutting like something out of a piece of paper

kind of use. But feet are the equivalent of cutting something out of a piece of paper. That's your body. That's your hands. And that scrap piece of paper that's left over, you go, I could use this for something. Those are your feet. I don't know.

But also, your penis looks like a piece of clay that someone just put on it. It's fun to play with. You know later today, all three of us will have our hands down our pants at one point. Down my pants? Yeah. Okay.

All three of us. After the cameras come off and now yokes. What podcast? All three of us in about five minutes are just going to be sitting here like this. All right. We'll leave the mics on, cameras, and we'll be good. Can you imagine, like, how long do you think it would take them? Do you think they're watching these episodes that they're allowing us to go in here?

If we were actually, like, a porn company and we just started shooting porn? How long do you think it would take someone to report to, like, Hey, I think you're baseman. Because that person then has to admit they were watching they were watching it and like hey, I was Cranking stumble upon this and this looks like your basement. That is the Isn't what is it new girl? Okay. Oh, yeah, like this is definitely where a porno Yeah, they're like, they're like I've seen this and they can't tell anyone why they know it because you can only keep five secrets Yeah, yeah, that's very fun. and also I think it's in work of

Hawks too and when they go to college they're like yeah do they have any security yeah I see one right there oh I'm literally looking at one cool cool I mean I cool realistically I think I think we could make it three weeks. Before someone says something to us. Oh, yeah, the guy that's moving to Denver in three weeks. I'm thinking about it. Good plan. I think we could make it three weeks. All right, well, I got some game questions for you guys. I'm sorry.

Is someone breaking in back there? No, they're probably doing, tapping a keg. Oh, maybe. I forgot people are working right now. Yeah. Sounds like they're shoveling. You have have questions for us is it a game? Yeah, well, so I thought since you guys are great at advice. I thought we have some since some more Advice questions that people just put on the internet which is insane to me that hey they first go to Google like all right

The internet the internet's gonna help me with this. I'm going to share my problem. Yes. We did the Reddit. Is this Reddit advice? Some of it it's Reddit. Some of it's where people can put advice and other questions they put on the internet. I bet you and I do not have similar answers. I will give you, I will rapid fire some questions first.

And then there's some ones with stories. OK. This one is, how do I tell my neighbor that I'm better at karaoke than they are? Sing louder. So they go to karaoke together regularly? They don't know. They don't know.

That's just the question that they would say. So yeah, a couple scenarios. They have to either go to karaoke together, and they just have to freaking realize man I got crushed me my neighbor Also, what if the guy who thinks he's better is just narcissistic and isn't actually better also another great scenario But like what if they've never done karaoke together never will but they're just like Yeah, all right karaoke songs. I already know what Josh is carrying. He's got a he's got a Rolodex of three. Yeah. Can I can I guess. Go for him.

Fuck me. Fuck me gently. Fuck her. Fuck her gently. Say gently again. Shut up. Gorillas. Oh, that'd be probably number four. That's what I'm like really drunk and I think I'm cool. Was that song called Grills Clint Eastwood Clint Eastwood. That's I always go. This is the only song you could rap. And then yeah. Can we do karaoke right after this? And then Erika Glacier is this hero hero yes, that's probably number where he Where he puts a little bit of an Asian accent? Yeah, which is a little fucked up Take a step back, but a little twang in there then like jumper third-eye blind okay? That's when I like I want everyone to sing along with me, so I'm not the only one Jack and be George here

Yeah, it's bad with me so I'm not the only one. Jack and B, George Hero. That's pretty weird. Yeah, it's bad. I'm less than much proud. Because in those moments, I'm like, dude, people love you. Well, any time you're doing it, you're either really good at karaoke like that one guy's neighbor, or you're drunk, and you're like, I'm just here for fun. My three?

Yeah, or two or one. Oh, wait, wait. My would be yes for him, too. OK. It's got to be country. Yeah, there's two country and then I would I could. I heard that isn't OK. Rascal flats. You won't. Life is a highway. Look, it nailed it.

Now, OK, not to rascal flats and both rascal flat. Okay, number two rascal flats both rascal flat Damn it That'd be a great one, you know people would love that You know, she's tell you you're not gonna get yeah. Yeah, so I was gonna say carry on to it before she cheats. No Toby Keith RIP whiskey girl Shania Twain and Billy Carrington cuz I'd bring My lady up and do it with me or one of my friends Connor and we do party for two

It's a it's a duet and then the third if I didn't have to do country maybe a bad day by Daniel Potter How's that one go? Cause you had a bad day. Oh, just bumming people out? Yeah. Yeah, that's like the worst karaoke song I've ever heard. That's like when it's raining on the bus and you're just looking out the window. Exactly. Exactly.

It would just be me and the bar. All right, give me my three. Oh, god. I don't know much music from the 70s, but Elton John. He'd be like, we're the corny tequila thing. Oh, tequila. Oh, I've done that for karaoke. You've got to be Elton John.

You're going to do something like indie, alternative, for sure. Radioactive. He's radioactive. I. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. I like you're like indie. No one really knows it. Radioactive. Radioactive.

Imagine Dragons. And then? Eiffel Tower or Eiffel 65, whatever that is. And then, Cool Guys in Paris, probably. No, I do Creed with Arms Wide Open. That's a good one. And I don't usually sing it's, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah And I do miss you miss you by blink 182

That's a real good one, and then I do little John get low to the windows We're going and I want you to do your rap you do that and I end it with bad day. I get the people going to the window To the wall that's the best part of that song. Yeah, really don't have to say nothing I want to do anything You know it'd be fun if by the time this pod came out we somehow all got hammered did karaoke and you could just put it In cut it quick little pop cuz he's gonna cut it in more editing more More editing. Unless we do it tomorrow night or Thursdays.

What you guys got going on this weekend? I'm in Canada. They got karaoke there? As long as you get your clip, we'll get ours. I think Canada's a lot like Footloose. Just don't allow singing. All right, here we go. Here's some more.

How do I let my friends know? What? I forgot what we were doing. Oh yeah, here's a question. How do I let my friends know that I won the lottery without them asking for money? You can't. Like, you can't just... What? No. You just don't. Yeah, you just don't. You just can't. If you don't ask for money, you don't let them know you won the lottery. Without directly telling them, you just don't you just can't if you don't ask for money You don't let them know you on the lottery without directly telling them you just buy some really nice shit That's the thing. I think you just start buying a little bit more

Yeah, get a little lavish with a couple things like If you keep buying something they might think you're dealing drugs and they might be worried about why think you just use this on me I'll take this round Yeah, bye and don't Venmo request Yeah, you can buy a few things for them back listen I want it a year ago Then just keep a tab of what you've actually paid for and be like I gave you 15 I gave you 10 and I gave you 20

Okay, also what how much might you win in the lottery? Like the whole thing the shit by a Tesla truck this should back with a bunch of fireworks a cyber truck first of all I saw someone it's like if you have that much money it's like just a big fuck you that you're like I rather just drive a garbage truck like I have that much money I just want to look dumb in a cyber truck in the back that's one thing I've seen it's a truck right you should be able to fit some shit. A lot of fireworks. Too soon. Way too soon.

All right, what's the protocol for eating nachos when someone's chip has all the cheese? First come, first serve. Yeah, I agree with you. First come, first serve. Because you can't redistribute that cheese. Because the minute you pull a fork or knife out for nachos, automatically, I don't respect you if that chip takes everything

You have tortillas everyone else I think the toughest chip would be the first chip and the last chip because like a lot of times There's like one fry or one chip left. They're like, are you finish it? No, you take the last one and people just don't do it. it. I know that's yeah. I'm excited. I'm big sauce on the side guy in nachos. Give me all the fixings on the side and the tortillas in the middle. Oh that just gave me a light bulb. Remember that one video I took of you? Alright so there we were watching football one Sunday and we got for food are we grilled or made burgers or something. He didn't want a craft single on his burger

because he didn't like fake cheese. Okay. I don't know if you knew that about it. He doesn't like it. I'm already annoyed. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And then like what he brings to the party is one of the Frito Lay's canned fucking cheese. Like where you just take the like a cat you can't kill the

shit off and he starts a common theme cuz I like fake cheese like guy doesn't like fake cheese and just me shoveling it oh yeah yeah that's been on the shelf at picket safe yeah So much preservatives. Yeah. It was bad. Yeah, so this question was about? When you talk. Oh.

Is it up now? Good Lord. Is it up now? It's been up the whole time. Your light's not on. Your thing is registering. Oh, OK. If you make me do the, you're fine. Your light's not on. Your thing is registering. Oh, OK. If you make me do the, you're fine.

Good Lord. All right, and we're back. We're starting over. The ex wants us back, baby. Thanks for having me, guys. It's been about six months. The library. What's a polite way to tell someone that their baby looks

like a potato Yeah Just start calling them like Frito lay or something out of it Right he'll grow out of this damn. He's heavy you want. You can say that a lot. Right when you go, he'll grow out of this. Yeah. You're like, damn, he's heavy. You want to hold my baby? No.

No, that's a big baby. No, I'm low carb. Low carb. How do I get out of group chat? I'm pretty sure you go to the top right, hit the three dots, scroll to the bottom, hit leave conversation, and then guess what? No one's going to text you about it because you're not in the group chat anymore. But they're going to know.

People are going to know. How many group chats are you guys in that, I mean I'm in a couple now. That are really active? They're really active and I'm not active at all, but I just kind of hear in every once in a while. I'm not an active group chatter. I've seen some good memes about that, just like the one guy in the group chat that doesn't say anything. It's like in the background. Yeah that's me.

I think fake your own death. That's the only way to get out of a group chat, do what that guy did. Yeah do that guy from Lake Mills. Why is that illegal? I'm with you dude, I'm 100% with you on this. Why is it illegal? Why can't we fake our own death? It's cuz you made someone work when they didn't have well I think I think it's also they cost a lot of money trying to search for him in the lake

But that was their decision to search for him Maybe just fine and I also think he Got a passport when he like he faked it. So I guess he got it. But like it was a legitimate passport. Yeah, but he said he lost his and actually had it. But like, you could maybe have maybe he lost it and then he got a new one. And then he had found it.

He can't go to jail for a while. There's no way. This is like a slap on the wrist. Do you think his family is going's gonna give conjugal visits? No, but that woman from Europe might do you think she's allowed back in here? You know how funny was if he got like cuz he came back He said he wasn't going to but then he did do you think he got there and was like man She's a little annoying or he got or he got catfish and it was a dude

Like you do not look like Helga Lana He got catfish and it was a dude. Like you do not look like Helga. Svetlana. That's very funny. I go the way I planned. Next. Keep it moving dude. Rapido, rapido. All right, we can go to some stories then.

This one obviously probably comes from Alabama. I have developing feelings for my cousin, and I don't know what to do about it. You ever faked your own death? First second. Yeah. That should be for everyone, is fake your own death. First second, third cousin, was it?

They don't say. I feel like it's a different thing in every scenario But he's basically saying that he's like just being he can't be honest with himself He's just feeling some type of way when she's around. I Mean feel it out of your hometown. Yeah out of your home. There's feelings that happen, but you just gotta say no I feel like you just need to find another lady that isn't your cousin. I think. And then you're like, oh, there are other fish in the sea.

There's also different ponds you could go explore. Get out of your pond. And you know? Yeah, hop to the next lily pad. Yeah, go to a different lily pad. If your cousin is, you're having feelings for your cousin, something tells me you can't get out. You can't. You don't have the means to me you can't get out. Like you can't.

Like you don't have the means. You can. Again, I go back to faking your own death. Or just shoot your shot. No. No, listen. Then he'll learn his fucking lesson. What if the cousin says yes?

What if the cousin says yes? That's a nice scenario. Doesn't he want that anyways? No I think he's not... He wants her. He's not worried about the issues with the incestualness is this person's worried about. Yeah, they might have some other issues going on.

No, the one issue is the incestualness. So my advice to you, Leroy. I know you're watching. He's definitely watching. What's his username? I don't know. OK. I tag him in this.

What's your handle? Look him up. Take a picture. Find his family tree. Figure out which cousin it probably is. I can probably look up the handle. Oh, really? Dang. I don't. And then you see a picture and you're like, all right. Which cousin it probably?

Don't and then you see a picture it's Sarah at DW And we're back baby the pot is back back. Suddenly we have camera issues. This schedule is that your cousin. Next. You know dude this one obviously is in more than one play. This one this one is obviously is someone trying to cheat the system. What happens if you cash a check a cash a mobile deposit check more than once? This just doesn't work. Yeah. They're like hypothetically speaking. I'm like oh this person's definitely like could I do that right. Could I could I do that. Hypothetically speaking either your either your bank teller is the worst bank teller on this planet. I mean it's all automated so yeah it's gonna catch it's gonna catch go for it. He said it happened and it's been two weeks and

the money has been taken back. Just be like oopsie spend it, spend it, that's the advice spend it right now was it a forty seven dollar check what was it? oops. It was like a serving shift oh great movie great Oh, yeah, yeah, what's in bed? He puts a million dollars. He buys a mansion. Yeah It's also the dollar worth way more back then I've seen that movie so many times. I thought it was so you wanted to be that kid so bad.

Why does my throat make weird gurgling noises? Why does your what? Why does my throat make weird gurgling noises? Take the dick out of your mouth. That's an easy That's an easy answer. It's so embarrassing when I'm in class my throat starts making weird noises like burps inside my throat I really can't control it. Is there any way I can help please and just like Tums drinking a lot of LaCroix a lot of carbonation Yeah, don't keep doing that maybe change your diet a lot of talk about McDonald's a lot of indigestion Doesn't have hiccups. I don't know.

Yeah, have someone scare you? Yeah. Drink pickle juice upside down. Upside down. Have someone hold your feet. Yep. Yep, that works. I hate pickles.

And then here's the last one I have. My client mom is trying to seduce me. So I'm 22. Yes. Yes. My client's mom is trying to seduce me, so I'm 22. Yes Yes, my clients mom is trying to seduce me and it's making me feel sorry for I've got a kid named Jayden and I teach him drum lessons and he's about 12 He's pretty good only been playing for the past six months The issue is with Jayaden's mom, Stacey. Stacey is about 37, and she probably was hot in her 20s.

But now it looks like she's been written hard and put away wet, whatever that means. This is getting rough. Yeah, yeah. She drives a Nissan Altima, which is a very weird thing to like. What license plate is? Every week. Your socials.

She tries to get out of the car looking so sexy. It's clear to me that Stacey has a crush on me or something. And I've been in bands for a while. And I've had groupies. And I get the feeling that Stacey has a warped sense of herself. And she thinks she can land any dude she wants. Stacey has taken it so far to not only have Jayden take lessons, now she wants lessons, while Jayden sits in the car for another hour playing video games. She goes, is this a snare drum? Over and over. She'll try things like bending over and be like, Oh, do you mean like this

with their skirt hiked up? I hate every minute of this awkwardness, but I get paid 40 bucks an hour to give Jayden lessons and $40 for his ridiculous mother. I hate myself for doing this and paying the bills. Should I say something and shut this down or just play along? Well, definitely play along. Play along. That's the easiest quick answer. You know what? OK. Stacey's 37, correct?

And if history has taught us anything, Stacey's pretty young, but you got to go after Stacey's mom. There you go. That's easy. She's got it going on. This whole thing sounds like a fantasy that he's telling himself. Yes. That's easy. She got it going on? This whole thing sounds like a fantasy that he's telling himself. Yes.

The whole thing. He first says, oh, she used to be hot back in her 20s, but then, oh, she came out of the car looking hot. Yeah, trying to look hot. Scott really wants this, but he's like, no, I don't. Yes, I do. Yeah, that's a good point. I was saying the same thing.

I think he just wants validation from someone that you know what, you should go do this. Because he's already, he's into it. He's into it. He likes the attention. He likes the attention. Otherwise, you're not putting this out there. He just is like, hey, I won't let you know

this mom's hitting on me, probably hot in her 20s. And still hot. And wants to hear three guys in a basement, New Berlin be like dude Yeah, no he wants the power he likes Yeah, I think I didn't go for it Let's be honest Stacey's mom. Life's too short to not go after not moms. Let's be honest. Stacey's a young mom? Yeah.

How old is she? Her mom's probably pretty young too. And we know. Oh, god. Go for Stacey's mom. Yeah. She's probably good too. Stacey's mom.

Did you guys play an instrument ever? Nope. Choir boy.? Nope, choir boy. I was a choir boy growing up. Oh God. I know. You do look like one. Yeah. The Appleton Boys Choir.

A lot of people are figuring themselves out. Just say choir. Yeah. For sure. You escaped. I tried teaching myself piano. I bought a $50 piano from Target and I learned that those pianos don't hold notes.

So like usually if you press down a key It'll make the noise and it kind of holds like fades out this thing was just like and stopped But I would sit in my basement at my parents house. I put my phone up and I would watch Someone else play a song I liked and I would just remember one hand at a time and I would memorize the I didn't learn music Anything like that and my dad would scream for now You do figure the fuck out or throw it away And I learned Hall of Fame by the script with just my right hand and view of Lovita Couldn't do it now impressive. I was so bad at

Instruments it's unreal like the recorder like when you played that you played the quarter no I didn't have to do that you'd have to do that oh yeah I was I was a church boy I played this gospel and him we did the record and I got asked multiple like probably day after day every time we brought the quarter they're like um Judd if you want to sing next to the To the piano while everybody else plays. I thought it was great I was special and I got to go sing turns out that I was just so bad the recorder I was messing other people up. Yeah that checks out Ever just busted out I still got it, baby When I was like, whenever I move, I think I find it. Play Hot Cross Buns. Throw it back in the...

I still got it, baby. I still got it, baby. It's like a ritual at this point. Yeah. Some snake comes out of the thing. Yeah, see, that's how iconic Hot Cross Buns is, because I never had to do it. But all my public school friends around me in my neighborhood,

I remember them getting the recorders, and I'm like, I've got to learn this fucking shit. And I'm like, OK. I'm like, I gotta learn this fucking shit. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. I'm like, this sounds terrible. This sounds so bad. I had to do choir, not choir. I had music class and we had recitals at Catholic school. And so my parents had to go do that, watch us sing.

And I remember my parents, they recorded it once and like the school got it and I remember the music I loved I love singing I'm not good at it but the teacher goes well we can hear Michael just belting it I go yeah how do you tell a kid shut up. You're bad. Dude, you sound terrible. Were you a bass, baritone? I was just the loud one. Oh, I get it. Perfect, perfect. That was it.

What were you? I was a baritone, but if we needed a bass, those are hard to come by, the bass, because the bass is a real cornerstone. What's the difference between a bass and a baritone? Bass is the lowest of the low. OK, what's a baritone? And then baritone's next step up,

and then it's tenor one and two. And then, yeah. Then the it's tenor one and two. And then, yeah. Then the girls are like soprano one and two. And they have baritones. And yeah. Gop a goo, gop a goo. Baloney. I don't know what any of that meant.

Don't need to? Yeah. I can't read music. Do you think I can? I can barely read words. I was going to say that. You read that so well for you so well I mean there was no like oh

He read this wrong and stopped and pause like it was it was pretty fluid and like half the time I was saying I wrote it time. I was like a proud dad. I was like wow No, I think like we did we did a fun bit at No, I think we did a fun bit at the Christmas show where I was having to spell words that I probably couldn't. I made him spell a bunch of Jewish words. He was Jewish and he couldn't do it. And ruin it for everyone. And to be fair, these words were very hard.

One was dreidel. You threw a lot of W's in words. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? Spell Hornica. There were a lot of W's. What was another one?

Molasses. Molasses. That one's pretty easy. M-O-L-A-S-S-E-S. Were you guys good at spelling growing up? I mean, were you good at spelling growing up? I mean, were you good at spelling? No. No, I'm not a great speller. I am great at math.

So I had a simple addition I could do in my head pretty quickly, multiplication, all that stuff, division. I was good. I, first grade, we used to do these competitions. Have I told you this? Like multiplication? We used to get in two lines each there's two first grade classes it'd be like class A versus class B and the teacher would be in the middle it'd be like if I was a teacher and you guys reach class and they'd

hold the flash card and say like three times seven whoever said 21 first moved on the other person got out and then to ever lost their line first lost and then that class went on and faced second grade my class went on to beat both second grade classes both third grade classes both fourth grade classes and then one fifth grade class and three of the times it was was me beating eight people in a row. And they're watching right now. Yeah. Where are those people?

They're probably rocket scientists. Oh, they're all way better than me. They're like doctors. And we're in a basement in West Dallas having podcasts. But I know six times four is 24. You can't take that away from me. You can't take that away. It is like a core memory.

I thought it was so cool. And looking back, I'm like, dude, you are a dork. No, that's good. That's good. I was it was so cool and looking back. I'm like dude. You are a dork Were you good at spelling No, but I remember we would do a spelling bee every year in grade school and everyone would the goal was I mean it like The top whatever performers and in your little test would go on to like the spelling bee in front of the whole school Yes, yeah, yeah Should we do something like that, too? So like you would try to get like a few right, but not too many. Right. Because you didn't want to look like a total dumbass,

but you didn't want to be really good because you didn't want to perform for everyone. Correct. And there was one year that I accidentally got a couple too many. Correct. And I was. And and legitimately, I think it was either or I had both words, mountain and Jaguar Jaguar Yeah, and I put W's in those guys We did similar like what was the um, what were the tests we took in grade school and middle school

Iowa basics remember and the WKCE tests. I remember the WKC yeah, so Catholic school did Iowa basics you guys had WKC in public schools and The Iowa basics it was like the Scantron shit, but we had something different where it was I Don't know what it was But there was like the top person in each grade like middle school like so 8th through maybe 4th grade or somebody that they put him in front of the entire grade school. And it was like 12 kids.

And we would just watch kids do trivia. I made it once. And I was like, I should not be here. I got lucky. It's like one of those things where you're just guessing. I'm like, ugh. We didn't do any of that.

But we did have FFA week. And we did watch a bunch of people chug milk Which only ended up with people puking milk, which was great And there's only one garbage can so everyone was puking into one garbage can so a bunch of people just got puked on Yeah, that's that's public school for you I had two kids in my fraternity for their talent show thing they had to do because you that's just something we had to do when You're pledging yet. We did a talent show and just weird shit they did the Buffalo wing or B dubs hot wings yeah the blazing challenge and then they were

like our well we got a chug milk so they they're like kind of throwing up wings and milk and then the next people did a smoke and chug where they basically just took the biggest rips they could of weed and then would start chugging milk. From the whole school we had. No, this is part of our fraternity. From a bunch of middle school kids. So they would just get like, they'd take huge rips and then start chugging milk and they're like us three are going to race just so you can get the highest and chug this gallon

of milk the quickest and within Five minutes. It's just it. It's not even like it's mixed with your stomach at this point It's just the same milk coming back up That is very fun, that's very drinking fair life Because I think I do have a lactose problem, but I've been in denial for a few years now So I don't buy I used to when I live with TP We'd each get a gallon of milk both of them would be gone in three days. Maybe we just drink milk like See I'm milk. I went through phases with milk that what is

What is fair? Yeah, I don't know what fair like it's like lactose free milk kind of kind of deal it's got more protein in it too so like I don't know it's expensive as shit for how much you get but I don't shit my brains out when I that's good get so yeah milk is just not my thing I never really liked her yeah this one's my fair life and someone else and someone else another blurry friend you wouldn't believe it would be. Holy fuck, Brandy. Holy shit. Yeah. The quickest Brandy.

Yeah. Shoot him. Jump. This whole episode is inside baseball. Ah, dude, it's only for us and I don't think the cameras are even on. No, not at all. But man, how far along we've been going? I don't know, because we've started and stopped a bunch of times.

So probably. It's been a 12 minutes. Probably like 40 minutes. We got a couple of minutes left. We can chit chat. I wish you had more advice. I love giving people advice, or I'd love giving my opinion on things,

because no one asked for it. No one asked for it at all. Go to Reddit advice real quick. Find the first one. How many more cousins are people trying to fuck? I can censor myself. Like what the fuck are you talking about? Isn't that kind of cool?

What? I feel like most people do it. What the are you talking about? It doesn't sound that natural, does it? I can start with the F. The bleep is kind of funnier. Yeah it What are you talking? I mean it doesn't sound yeah, I can like start with the ass leap is kind of funnier Yeah, what the belief what the are you talking about? You just stop you just don't do it With a tongue book no you gotta get that from there what are you talking about? That's pretty good That's something yes, that wasn't bad wasn't hard. He didn't get it

He goes what that I? Don't give us Say something after that I'll give you a shit is hard to do give a shit I'll give us what you're saying. Yeah shits a lot harder than fuck. I'm trying the hard words Will you come visit me in Denver absolutely we got our other buddy Brandon good friend lives out there I need to see him. Yeah, you see a guy in a wheelchair. Oh cool. I like that. We are you're like, yeah someone else I'd like to see Yeah, you in the meantime, maybe I'll see on the way through. Are you gonna miss me at all? I don't know. I don't know yet. I don't know like until it happens. I don't know

You still don't think I'm leaving day if you're in Denver and One our socks kuski has them in a storage unit Threw them away you threw them away. I found them cuz he had I still have them technically But they're in the trash can in my bathroom right now guys of what? Finally reach out to them $200 to have hundred they have been marinating in a storage unit Is for people. Can I be honest?

And can we not judge? Can I be honest? Can we not judge? Safe space. You opened them. Yeah. And I smelled them. Clip it.

Clip it. OK, did you smell them on purpose or just half of them? No, on purpose. But no, I didn't do that. I opened it. I opened it. And I went here, and I went, and I'm like, well, it at all. So one of my biggest insecurities is my nose, but I'm okay with it. No, I can't even see that two Sundays ago. What do you think I have to turn to Sundays ago? There was a kicker that kicked a kickoff and it went right and hit. I'm like, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm OK with it now. I can't even see that. Two Sundays ago. I can't. What do you think I have to turn on? Two Sundays ago, there was a kicker that kicked a kickoff,

and it went right and hit a cheerleader in the head. Do you see that? Oh, yeah. No. Was it Dallas? Dallas. One of the Dallas cheerleaders in the head. And I'm watching the game, and someone's like,

we're watching the game together. And someone's like, I think Evan goes, oh, did that cheerleader get hit? And then it zooms in on her I said the worst like I just thought I was like did she get hit in the nose She's also crying I feel bad yeah, you're an asshole yeah She probably listens oh, yeah Stephanie from the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders on the documentary or the big fan I'm surprised

Go and say what you're gonna say It's okay. Let's move on Some family family friendly content because we try and get that in every episode wrong win in every episode. Um. When? If we ever gotten in family friendly. I said we try and get that in every episode. Have I said we succeed every episode? No, we've never succeeded.

I was trying to find more Reddit things, but I was just getting people to stop. I don't even know what family friendly content would be. Let's review. I was gonna start talking about my boy choir experience again and then, I don't know, I didn't tell you anything about the last podcast, did I? So in high school I was in the choir't tell you anything about the elastic last podcast today So in high school I was in the choir I was in the boys choir like grown up like yeah, what's your 12 and you're you hit puberty and your voice dropped?

Yeah, you're out. Yeah, but in high school. Okay, nevermind Yeah, and in high school like the choir like the men's choir was notorious for being like just a bunch of fucking assholes. Like a glee club. No, not even, no, like glee club, like, glee club people are into it and they're like good at what they do. Okay. The varsity men choir in high school, that's where like you went to get a credit. So there are people that didn't want to be there at all. I just like that it's varsity men. And then there was like a letter. Yeah.

So like but the shit that I saw in high school in choir, you stuff you never want to see, honestly. That we're to say murder. Yeah. I don't know. But like we'd get on a bus to go to another arrival high school to go sing at a fucking concert. And one of the seniors would be in the back and just scream, fuck the boss. And then everyone would fuck the seat in front of it and just like, oh,

dude, dude, I know. Like, I know I'm scared. There was one time we did a trip to Chicago for a quiet for a concert whatever it was. And I didn't see it happen. OK dude this is the best. So apparently one of the seniors like this is graphic. This is not the family. Apparently he took a shit into a bag, a sit block.

I don't know what kind of bag it was. And then threw it into another kid's room and shut the door. Do you guys think that'd be funny in high school? Probably. Yeah, it's very funny. But he got caught like the night of and like sent home. Like it was like an overnight trip at a hotel or whatever. But then Monday rolls around. We all have choir.

I don't know what our but we all get in there. We all sit. Our choir director was this old lady. I forget her. I forget her name, but she was very intimidating and very scary. She walked in with her cross eyes. She sat down, looked at all of us and we all knew what was coming. Everyone just kind of like

kind of like laughing, like we know what she's about to say. And then she just scans the whole place for about a minute or two. Because the first thing she says, she goes, what do you want your legacy to be? And then she kind of giggled. Poop in a bag?

And then everyone just went, wah!. Everyone started roaring laughing out of their seat like poop in a bag like it was. I'm putting that on a T-shirt. What do you want your legacy to be poop in a bag. It was unbelievable. And that's so that's incredible. That's kind of what happened on a way to a basketball game one time. We had a player, RIP. He's no longer with us, but he pooped in the garbage bin back there and just tied the bag up

and just threw it outside the bus. Everyone's going to shit. There was a rumor at my neighbors like public middle school Whatever that there was this kid who famously I mean this is famous anyone from the Countrydale Forest Park days knows exactly what I'm talking about who I'm talking about but famously took a Soda can and like cut the top off scooped a turd his turd out of the toilet put in the microwave and microwaved it in the cafeteria

oh wow that's diabolical that's a terrorist attack yeah uh so i did a show in milton lisconsin milton lisconsin and we have a friend who is from Milton. And I texted a person. I was like, hey, what is some Milton stuff I can say for the show? You went to high school here. You know what? And they're like, well, you definitely

have to talk about how our art teacher got caught for pooping in the park. And they're like, what? Yeah, so's the art teacher kept pooping in the middle of this like park right on like the sidewalk. So much so that they were like, who keeps doing this? So, they set up a camera and it was, they found it was like the middle school art teacher. Right. Like, I can justify this is my only option is in the middle of an emergency once once.

And if it happens a second time like dude you have to drink too much more than two times. That's a choice. Cereal shitter. Yeah. Fetish. I don't know what we had. We had one of those when I worked at the Streets and Parks Department. We had a lady who would smear her feces

on the public bathroom wall. And it was to protest the Iraq War, she said. This is true. We called her the mad shitter of it. So I wanted to call her a poo bear, but that was voted out. My dad, he's got a few cop friends and one of them they used to tell stories of like going into like the jail cells and went on like the crazies and one of them was like he called himself El Diablo and

It was like every day at 7p not 7 p.m. 7 a.m He would wake everyone up because he was viciously jerking off 7 a.m. He would wake everyone up because he was viciously jerking off they just nicknamed him El Diablo and then the one I remember the most was there they were transferring someone from like cell to cell and she had like shit in her cell and so this guy my by my dad's buddy was called in and the lady was like no no and grabs her shit. And is like this, to throw it at him.

Yeah, like a monkey. And he goes, you better not. Don't fucking do it. And she's like faking it, whatever. He's like, don't. He's a pump faker. He's like, don't do it. Don't do it.

Don't do it. And she takes a step and goes like this. Don't leave your feet. Takes a step, goes like this don't leave your feet Go take step goes like this and then brings it around and took a bite of her shit Just started eating it and he's like I in that moment I would be like I don't know I don't know I'd be stunned This is taking a shitty turn This is we've said family-friendly and it just went the exact opposite You ever read the book everybody a little too excited. What you ever read the book everybody poops. Oh, yeah

Yeah, I mean isn't it just like a picture book. Yeah, everybody poops Yeah, everybody just to make to make kid feel comfortable for pooping. Oh, okay I guess I never would I'm not shy to see that was just a long about way to tell all the children out there Hey, everybody poops. It's okay. It's okay. Just don't poop in a bag. Yeah, just don't don't show us your stupid feet What is your legacy gonna? Yeah. Boomerang! Alright, let's do this. Guys! Remember!