Fat Chance Podcast - Ep. 71 - Ryan Graham

Episode Date: March 23, 2023

Ryan is Milwaukee based comedian who got his start in Iowa; where he is known for his captivating bar reviews that are sure to keep him banned from the premises. Also, check out his dog's Facebook Butter Graham

This is going to be a bad clip. All right. Asians. Black. Jewish. Yeah, I would consider that a race. Or whatever. So we've...

And I don't know. We were like all running around. They banned us from the hotel. They're like, yeah, don't ever come back here. Because we were just playing hide and go seek tag the entire time. I checked out. You're're baiting eighth graders though well they're just like your your organization can never come back here it's like the whole team was staying in one hotel and uh yeah we we snuck into mark and jim cyrus's mom's room

and uh drank some of her uh mike's hard lemonade that was the first time i ever drank and then afterwards had a uh sleepover with all those guys at my house and we were stealing we probably stole a grand total of like five miller lights and we were like sharing them and we were mixing them with mountain dew because we call them mountain jews which was like, doesn't make any sense. That makes no sense. I love it. And, yeah, we were drinking Mountain Dew mixed with Miller Lite and, like, doing trick shots, playing pool and shit. It was a good time. I mean, eighth grade, a beer and a half, you probably feel that a little bit.

Oh, it was like that's the dragon that you're always chasing. Exactly. It's that first eighth grade beer. Your first eighth grade Mountain Dew and Miller Lite. You should give that a try. Jack and I tried when we were at Maddie's on Tuesday. Did you end up trying it? What's that?

We put an entire packet of liquid IV into a Coors Light. Yeah, I did see that, but I didn't try it. It was arguably better than when you mix it with water. I'm surprised they haven't done some shit like that. Yeah, it's beer, like it's got electrolytes like i'm surprised that that's not a product i am too like for adult leagues yeah like softball leagues or fucking like day drinking playing golf or whatever you're like out in the sun it'd be perfect i mean i told jack i was like i don't know if we needed to put the whole packet into one beer we probably could have tossed it into the pitcher because he tossed it in and it was like a science fair volcano it just fucking

erupted um that stuff's kind of gross the liquid ivs yeah i think it's chalky it doesn't taste great yeah no but with the beer i i thought it tasted better than when it was with water. It's weird how long it took them to realize that people should try to be hydrated. Like that Gatorade just now is coming out with like Pedialyte version of Gatorade. I saw that. It's like electrolyte. Their whole thing is Gatorade's supposed to be full of electrolytes, and now they're making an electrolyte version of Gatorade. Yeah.

Well, because normal Gatorade is just like 36 grams of sugar. It's not a great source of electrolytes at all. It's like drinking a high C from McDonald's or something. It's not. I can't drink regular Gatorade anymore. I think it's too sugary. I like the Gatorade Zeros. They actually taste like refreshing.

They're doing something for you. That's something that happens as you get older. You like lose your ability to like handle sugar. Oh, yeah. Like if you had a pixie stick right now,

you'd probably be like, this is fucking disgusting. This is disgusting. Yeah. There's a little part of you that likes it, but I think it's the nostalgia part of you that likes it.

But sugar is the only reason I get hung over. Really? Yeah. I could, I mean, you give me 50 beers yeah i'm not gonna feel great the next day but if i'm drinking like rum and cokes or shit like that i'm gonna have gut rot like i'll feel disgusting i'll have a headache my stomach i want to throw up worst case scenario if i'm just drinking beer vodka soda i'll be tired yeah or like cheap wine that's like wine

kills me absolutely kills me but it's a fun drunk yeah i've had a lot of a lot of slap in the bag type of nights in college where'd you go do that i went to loris in dubuque are you from Iowa no but my I think I'm the 17th person in my family to go to that school so like my dad went his dad went his dad before him went I have like a bunch of cousins that went are you happy you went um yeah I mean I met my wife it was uh I think it was, like, I have a lot of friends in Dubuque. It wasn't a great, like, party time at all. I mean, it's like those small schools, the cops have nothing better to do than, like, we got busted. And bust people? Yeah, we got busted at a party one time.

There was, like, the cops made everyone leave. They ID'd everybody. I was 21 at the time and then they like staked out the block because there was still like 12 people in the basement that didn't have ids and they had like six fucking whatever mics hard between all of them and they like lined up the cop cars around the block like you definitely got nothing better to do waited for a warrant yeah we were just heckling them the entire time like from another balcony are you where are you from then i grew up in chicago okay so that's what i was gonna say

or well suburbs of chicago people in chicago get mad if you've fucking what was your area code like what is your phone number where you like rockford um no the reason i say this and i was gonna bring this up, whether or not I saw you at the gas station before we came here, it's probably the most Midwest thing I've seen. If you were from Wisconsin, I would have checked out completely. But I texted you, do you mind if I come here a few minutes early? And you hadn't replied yet.

I didn't even see that. I was just going to sit in my car until I could show up probably around at the quick trip around the corner. Yeah. Until I was like, oh, 555 is acceptable to show up. And then you showed up because you're like, I don't know if he's going to get enough beer for this. Yeah. That's a real alcoholic move now that I think about it.

You can't. If you're going to tell someone I'm going to bring beer to something that's going to be longer than 30 minutes in the Midwest, you can't bring less than eight. Yeah. Six is, if one person drinks faster than the other, like you said, you'll have four, I'll be at two or something like that. But that doesn't give you the option for there to be more. I think 12 is like the perfect, you can leave it there too.

Yeah, I'm just, I don't trust myself. I'm just too much of an alcoholic where like the i just drink way faster than everybody and for the most part i'm able to like keep my shit together like i did a show with uh at two beers club in janesville at the comedy cabin and like it was two shows i think we got there at i don't know four started drinking at four and just had like at least a beer or two an hour yeah until the late show which started at like 10 so i don't know how many fucking beers i had a beer an hour is not terrible if you're doing two an hour yeah you're gonna be feeling it by the late one yeah i i probably had like 20 beers

that day i was pretty good at holding my stuff for sure in college like i had buddies be like i don't know how you do it i'm not a big person at all yeah but i i'm pretty good at handling my stuff it depends on the day if i'm a quick drinker or not like i'm already halfway through this one so i think this is gonna be a pretty quick day i've kind of been like i did nothing today before. Before this, I got out of bed. I went to the couch, played video games, watched some March Madness, made some food. And I'm like, I'm itching to drink, which is not good. How long have you been doing comedy now? Just over a year.

Yeah. That's what starts to happen. Yeah. Well, I went to, I'm from here. I didn't drink in college, but the started. At all? No, sorry, not college, in high school. Oh, okay. I drank like a fish in college. the started at all no sorry not college in high school i drank like a fish in college i went to udw madison and so that was definitely a party school so that i stopped

drinking heavily though right afterwards which was good for me but kind of the comedy thing you're right does kick it back into gear but dude i see mark vegas's tits starting to come in and shit i see military mark like cory strike right because i i don't know i'm fucking insane and so i quit comedy a lot and i just like won't show up for like six months and then i'll come back and cory strikes got like a beer belly and it's like yeah it takes you don't see it when you're there every day but yeah you take that big of a gap like where the like, when the fuck did this happen? Damn, all these people got fat. Yeah, it's just from being in bars every night.

Yeah. That's what happened to me. Fuck it, I get free drinks. Why not have one or two or something like that? What helps me is my job revolves around fitness. I work out all day, so I kind of can counterbalance it a little i used to do that with uh fedex like delivering packages and shit would just be you're on your feet all day pretty much taking like at least 10 000 steps a day lifting shit you know so i could eat like shit

and drink and it was no big deal and then the minute you stop or you work behind a desk yeah the two like writing jobs that i've had i've gained 20 30 pounds just because i'm not doing shit it's quick i noticed when i went to college and you just stopped playing sports in high school yeah like your metabolism goes to shit you're not moving as much and i quick i think i had like a grace period a freshman year but even then i started to get like real doughy and then i i think i had like a grace period of freshman year but even then i started to get like real doughy and then i i mean i look like the michelin tireman junior year yeah it's uh when you do nothing and then just drink all night when most your calories are consumed after 8 p.m you're gonna start putting on weight right yeah all of a sudden you can't order.

Like I would play NBA 2K at my friend Tyler's house, and we would order like we would get the Domino's two medium pizzas for $7.99, eat one pizza each, and then split a 30-pack of Bush Light. I don't care who you are. That's not going to be good for you. That used to be the – and that we would just stay up till like four in the morning just getting hammered when was this uh this is like after college like he stayed in dubuque i stayed in dubuque so how long did you stay in dubuque for how old are you by the way i'm 29 okay how long did i stay in dubuque well i moved there in 2011, and I was there until 2020.

So nine years. It's fucking too long. That's a long time. It's too long. Decently small town. Yeah, there's like 60,000 people there, I think. I mean, it's as isolated as like Sheboygan. Yeah.

There's just nothing else around it. And then. How close is like downtown? Everything's like an hour and a half away from Dubuque. What's the Milwaukee equivalent in Iowa? There isn't one. Is Dubuque it? No.

I mean, Des Moines is our biggest city. And I think there's 280,000. How far away is that from Dubuque? Des Moines is in the middle of nowhere. So, like, that's a three and a half hour drive. Oh, so, yeah, you're just in. Yeah, Des Moines is pretty close to, like, Nebraska. So it's, like, way the fuck out there.

Yeah, and there's a ton of shit there, too. so it's like way the fuck out there's a ton of shit there too but yeah in they call it like eastern iowa which encompasses like iowa city cedar rapids like muscatine the quad cities dubuque everything everything there is like an hour and a half away from each other so we got down to penguins and cedar rapids a lot we like did iowa city um quad cities a lot even madison's and only an hour and a half away from uh dubuque is it really yeah i never went to it's right right on the border of where iowa illinois and uh wisconsin meets it's like right with those oh really state's kiss is uh dubuque yeah well chef's kiss city yeah i never made it to iowa when i was at madison i made it to nebraska nebraska's campus was fun all my buddy there to nebraska no we drove

well then you've been through iowa i'm gonna guess yeah probably but i never stopped and hung out there yeah i mean unless you teleported i'm pretty sure you had to get through iowa at some point unless you went like around no i've never just like went there to go hang out i don't think i knew anyone that went to iowa yeah it's a fun time i mean the the tailgates and like iowa city and stuff is fun where is the university of iowa iowa city iowa. And then Cedar Rapids is about 30 minutes away from Iowa City, so it's kind of like two cities that intermingle a lot in terms of just shit to do, you know. It'd be like living here and going to the city, you know.

That's not bad. It's like you'll do it once, twice a month. Yeah, this drive isn't terrible at all. It was like 25 minutes to get here. Yeah. But it's not bad. I mean, in milwaukee is more than like 20 minutes away from anything else no and i i'm glad most of our like sporting events are downtown like the only thing you got to travel for here is a packer game but that's those are so infrequent that it feels like a trip is worth it to get up there.

That's got to be fun. Have you ever been? No. Really? I've been to the stadium before because we were going to Door County. I was like, well, it's right there. Let's just go to the front door and see if they let us in. Yeah, they were doing tours and stuff.

When it's the offseason, you can just go up there. I think it was during COVID, so they weren't playing at the time. They let us go on the field and stuff. Not on the field, but into the stadium. Lambeau's fun. I think it would be fun to get a group of the comics to go. It's relatively cheap if you get a bus. It's like doing the road you know yeah

it's a journey it's always an adventure but get on a bus that's the best way to do it is if you get tickets at all don't drive up there hop on a bus that takes you up there for like 50 bucks they usually have booze on the bus for you or you bring your own. And depending on how nice of a bus you get, they have, like, food catered for you. Just get the cheap one. Bring your own shit. Take you up. You get there, like, two and a half, three hours before the game. So you can tailgate or go to the bars.

Go into the game. Remember, two quarters of it. Dip out a little early. Get on the bus. They take you home. You're good to go. Sober up on that bus ride, just take a nap. It's so fucking fun.

I went to, I met Brandon Wine at one. Like that's how you guys met? No. Brandon Wine's my coworker now. Oh, yeah, you told me that. That'd be funny if that's how you guys met. Just at a Packer game. What do you do? do oh i'm a comedian

in milwaukee i'm like no way oh shit you guys have both been doing comedy for a year you've never seen each other like do you actually come around all right so what are your impressions of comedy what would what did you think going in like what what did you think it was going to be like versus what it was actually like that's a good question my the literally the first thought i had sounded so arrogant uh but i'll say it anyways it's a lot easier to get booked than i thought um my first thought was pretty similar it was like wow a lot of these people really aren't that funny like when i that was not here it was in uh iowa back in like 2015 when i went up to penguins for the first time i was like yeah they're like confident but their jokes aren't funny yeah was kind of the the vibe that i got from a lot of the older comics and then in the years later like year three year four i started to get better and they were the same

and then it was like this weird thing where you like start you at first like everyone is this like hero like oh my god yeah they they're like in the scene i'm not really in the scene and they're like you know sooner or later they're just like oh it's just yeah steve it's like this person you look up to and then like three years later you're like damn that guy sucks like i don't know why everyone like wanted him to like me but oh no i've been there it's the booking thing i don't know when i when i first started i didn't come around i wasn't like consistently coming around um i was like everyone was on these shows like oh they're on this show they're on that show i'm like i thought the venues booked these people i didn't know it was just everyone in here picking their friends to be on a show yeah um so it's kind of kind of just like getting into the group

and then waiting your turn yeah that's that's the hardest thing and i see a lot of like new people that you know maybe they've been doing it for two months or three months that are like trying to get into that yeah i remember how that felt it's just so embarrassing i didn't talk to anyone yeah i would go to that's kind of the move though like just to be like not annoying well the best way i described it is um like you ever go to your friend's school like in college you went to go visit their campus and they have their college friends there yeah like you're friends with your friend but you can't just be like what's up guys we're all best friends now they're like we don't fucking like you can't

just assume you're part of it just because you're visiting now like you kind of have to like do something we're like oh he actually is kind of cool it's literally just i don't know it's like you've been there enough times people have seen you people have hung out with you and then one older comic i've literally seen this happen with like drew where like drew will be like oh this guy's annoying yeah and then like at one point he'll just be like nah he's all right and then it's like he's in like yeah you know it does take one older person'll just be like, nah, he's all right. And then it's like, he's in like, you know, it does take one older person and they're like, Oh, maybe we should start putting them on a show.

Yeah. Which was weird. Cause when I moved here, it was during the pandemic and like, I already knew AJ, you know, for, cause he started in Iowa. I think he was like three or four years in when I started and I had done some shows with him. I talked to him about coming out here i had done shows with like drew and gary before um i was hanging out with drew like during the pandemic because we were the only two people like fucking republican enough to not give a fuck about about the pandemic i feel you so we were just going to bars and getting hammered so that was

like i kind of had an in right away which is weird which is nice but you gotta take it if you have it and it helped that i had been doing stand-up for four years and i like had done clubs and shit and i knew how to do you know i knew how to like write jokes yeah you weren't a brand new person who just like happened to be friends with aj and they're like, oh, we have to like this kid. Yeah. Yeah, it's a little bit. I noticed it was whether people like to admit it or not. It's true.

It's clicky, and everything's clicky. And so there's like, I got in, and I remember it was when there were three comedians. Basically, it was 2v1. And one guy would go up and just be like fuck this person fuck this person and then start saying jokes

and I'm like oh shit wait where was this? this was this happened at Bremen this happened at oh

remember the mic after Bremen for a while are you talking about like people going up and like saying offensive shit and then a comic would go up after them and like fucking make fun of them or whatever no like there was just a fight between these three comics and they've all been on the podcast before so i won't say their names but they know who they are but it was like i didn't know that and i had two of them on the podcast because they were the first two people to actually like talk to me.

I was like, hey, I do this. Do you want to come on and do it? And it was like pulling teeth with these individuals. And during the podcast, they're both like, yeah, this guy fucking sucks. In the first like five minutes, I'm like, what the fuck am I getting into? I feel like I'm in high school again. Yeah. first like five minutes i'm like what the fuck am i getting into i feel like i'm in high school again yeah yeah if you didn't know that coming in and then you're like oh the way these people communicate it's like they're fucking thank you it's like they're in high school it is it's you you want the upperclassmen to like you yeah um it's like joining a sport you hope you're the freshman that's like

already on varsity right away with your talents yeah but if you're not you just hope they like you because you're cool yeah it's a it's a very that i remember feeling embarrassed about that like talking like telling other young comics being like i'm embarrassed that i want these people to like me like it's just such a gross feeling that that disappeared for me pretty quickly i wanted them to like me enough where i felt welcome at the bar after that i was just like yeah yeah you seem like you kind of just don't give a fuck i don't i really don't like i i've gone through waves where there have been people like oh i think we're gonna be i wouldn even say friends, but like we could be cordial or I enjoy talking to you.

And then that kind of like dissipates like anyone else, like people come and go. But I don't really hate anyone by any means, but I'm also not bending over backwards to be like, do you like me now? Yeah. It's I care too much about what I'm doing rather than if someone else likes what i'm doing i was definitely the opposite of you for the first like two years but it was kind of weird in iowa because it was like what age did you start 22 i yeah i started like basically at 25 yeah so you kind of like maybe have a little bit more maturity at that age then sort of knew who you were at that point yeah i was such a mess at that point when i started comedy i

was like you're just graduating college too you don't know what you want to do yeah and like i had this whole idea of who i was and it was all just bullshit like hey hi jesus you dumbass what are you doing man? What would you like? Oh she's eating a can Well she's not afraid of cans anymore That's good She's drinking beer

She drank Like I spilled a little Does she like beer? No No I dipped my mustache In Abby's beer Which is kind of gross

In like the foam Because I poured it shittily. And then went down and had her lick the beer out of my mustache. And she was like... Well, that's a good thing. Sneezed a couple times. My buddy Chad's dogs, both of them, love beer. Really? Yeah.

The Bobby's sitting sitting here they'll just lick it foams up a little on top i mean they drink a whole beer you let them which i don't think it's that bad for a dog is it it's not like chocolate no it's not like chocolate but it'll like if they did it every day they gotta have like diarrhea they would have liver failure probably um what the liver is like on a dog i forgot what i was talking about uh just being you know who you were just being insecure and like you know i i used to write a lot of shit online and that's kind of a weird place to be in because you create this like online ego what do you mean write a lot of shit online um like i had

a blog when i was in college that That was like how I got into. I thought you meant like Twitter troll. No, no, no, no. It was like I was like in college I was like I'm going to be a writer. So I'm going to have a blog and I'm going to just like use this to throw out ideas. There was a lot of like sports shit or like just funny like rants about things. Yeah. It was like kind of how I figured out how to like write comedy i guess that's what this podcast is for me yeah this was how i got into doing it

like i wanted to do it but i'm like i gotta get used to talking to people first so let's start in the garage and put it on the internet and then go in front of actual people well i was like terrified in in high school and even when i started college like i was just so fucking introverted i didn't want to talk to anybody and i would just drink all the time and i had like no earthly idea of what the fuck i wanted to do and then i like started writing well the only i started becoming a writer because the only class that i got not like a c minus or lower in was writing so my first semester i was just fucking drunk all the time i wasn't doing any homework at all

i think i had like a 1.75 gpa after my first semester and the only class i got a b in was critical writing so then i was like well i guess i should just do that otherwise i'm going to get kicked out so i and then i started writing for the newspaper and they were like impressed they're like oh man this is like really good i can't believe it's your first article and i was like okay i'll you know be a writer yeah i'll just like be a writer i guess and then i started doing the blog and that then it was like weird because people would come up to me and be like oh dude i read your article or like i saw your thing in the newspaper that is a small town yeah it would happen in in at like uh at loris just like random people would walk up to me and like give me compliments and shit it was always it's still i don't like compliments i

don't know if you're i can't i don't know how to handle them yeah i don't i still feel like i have to give one back yeah or i have to do a little like like, funny thing for them. Exactly. You know, repay their... The worst is someone's like, anything about your looks or, like, what you're wearing. You're like, hey, I like that shirt. I feel like I have to say something about what they're wearing then, too. And if I don't, like, I just... I'm like, hey, thanks. I fucking hate yours. Reagan, we were standing outside smoking a cigarette, and Reagan was like, hey, I really

like your shoes. And I was like, oh, thanks. My mom bought them for me. She's like like how have you ever had sex with a woman what the fuck yeah i think past the age actually past the age of 18 if you ever say your mom's done anything for you well yeah instant panty dropper but But what the fuck were we talking about? Writing articles. Yeah, so, like, that's how I kind of got into it. But then, like, I don't know.

I had a few things go, like, viral in, like, Dubuque where I, like, write a funny thing about, like, a bar in Dubuque about how, like, shitty it was or whatever. I do, like, a bar review and just trash the place. So you're doing reviews for anyone was doing them really yeah i mean i like had a blog back when that was something that you could actually get traffic to from facebook now if you post like an article it's gonna get you know five views because i want you to pay for why anyone writes if i have you ever look up a recipe online?

Oh, yeah. It's just cancer. And then it's just fucking just articles. It's like, my husband likes this on sunny days at the cabin up north. Like, I don't fucking care. Just give me the nine ingredients that I need. Yeah, they start you off with a history lesson about apple pie. Like, apple pie was first founded in 1905 by and then i found my son

fucking it in the closet one day just so here's the recipe he likes it people just scroll past it they won't even realize the first time i've ever made an apple pie i fucking shoved it in my ass no one just scrolls by like yeah whatever tell me the recipes i want the nine ingredients what temperature do i need to bake this at that's it but you were so you were just trashing bars well yeah i mean in retrospect that's kind of what it was like because i had written for two years and never had an article get more than like 60 views or something you know people would share it and like two people would comment or something and then i wrote this one where i just did like a review of a bar that i go to a lot or that i used to go to a lot because now i'm banned because of the article yeah uh so it was

it was just a fucking you know shithole like college bar and i wrote like a funny thing about it and it went like i woke up and it was just like 17 000 views i was like what the fuck so like everybody in dubuque that was the age to go to a bar read that article basically so then like i got this fucking huge ego it was like really embarrassing and like people would again like recognize me or like mention me in conversation like i was getting my hair cut one time and the guy's like oh you're a writer yeah there's this other writer guy who like wrote this article about jen rickies it was so funny did you go to that bar that weekend no but i went to another bar that the same guy owned and he recognized me and then he like confronted me at the bar and like you know it was just

whatever he was pissed off i understand why um and i was such a like smug little fucking shit about it aren't we all at the age of 19 yeah and i i wrote like another thing afterwards like you know fuck this guy fuck this guy and like i'll write whatever the fuck i want you fucking redneck whatever i just like i just was like mean and like in in retrospect like that's when i was like okay you got to be careful with like the ego thing because that can really like run away from you and then all of a sudden you're like making a fucking complete asshole out of yourself on the internet downplay anything good that happens to you yeah i mean usually like if someone tells me oh good set

it's like yeah you're like yeah that's right most of the time i'm like yeah i know like i don't say that yeah but it's like i know what happened i know what went well what didn't go well i don't need like the approval of other people i guess at this point i've been doing it long enough where i just don't like i i can oh fuck god damn it how much oh not too much. Just a little bit. Are you wet, though? Oh, I'm very wet.

Clip it. Clip it. Not going to lie, that's how long I've been doing this, is that's the first thought I have. Like, that might work. I hate that thought process. Because I started this because I wanted the confidence to do stand up and I was like this is fun worst case scenario this doesn't

do well I enjoy these conversations and I can look back on them will I maybe if I'm dying but now it's like because I've gotten some success from this it's like oh what's going to work on here what's going to fit into that algorithm

perfectly and I'm like oh that's gonna work on here what's gonna fit into that algorithm perfectly and i'm like oh that could be a sound one day yeah i know what you mean it's like uh it takes the fun out of it it feels like you have to just yeah you turn it into a business and it just becomes and you're really like all comics it's just like a big narcissism competition it's like who can just be the most insufferable person and that's who gets famous the people that are on tiktok every fucking day making shit like doing doing a million videos and doing sketches and blah blah blah and then like they're they have enough followers so they get booked on, like, small comedy clubs. Like, I have multiple friends that book small comedy clubs, and they'll just be like, yeah, I don't know.

He has the fucking followers. They sell the tickets. He sold out a random, like, Sunday afternoon show, and he was terrible. No jokes. He had no idea what he was doing but then he did his weird tiktok impressions at the end and they all loved it and you know and like that's becoming the that's the new norm that's becoming like the shortcut for comics i guess yeah i don't like um i i saw i was listening to fro podcast um, but there were veteran comics who had been doing it for 20, 30 years.

They're like, I'm so sick of hearing the people, he's got 600,000 followers on Vine. Please welcome John Smith. And we're like, that means nothing. Oh, boy, hello. Hello, Bubber. Can I say something? Oh, very nice. Okay. Very nice. Can I say something? Oh, very nice.

Okay. Very nice. Hey. You want some beer? No beer. Please stay away from the cameras. Honestly, the dog's going to get us some views, so. Are you stuck? Go get some food.

Mom's got treats. Oh, her treats yeah um yeah i mean it's like whatever i don't really care i'm not actively trying to get booked at stand-up right now i'm just trying to like do it for a year and not like hate my life because i think i was doing a lot of that shit too like always had a podcast always had something else going on was always stressing out about like career shit and it just got to the point where like you have this imagined like fantasy version of what your life is going to be like once you figure it out and you're like famous or whatever and it's just if you hold on to that you're just going to compare your life to that every single day oh every time and you're like i'm not i'm not there yet and then

two months go by i'm not there yet two you know a year goes by like i'm not there yet either that's the thing yeah and you just drive yourself insane because even if you do get there you're like oh i'm not where i actually could be now yeah every time i've gotten to any sort of mountaintop in comedy it's just been like oh more yeah this is like not as fun as i thought it would be or not as like that's my dog humping upstairs um no i this with this when i started this i was like i need to do this every week And it was like almost homework for a bit after I exhausted all my friends to come on. To the point where I was like, I was doing solo ones in my mom's garage. Dude, I've been there.

And they're terrible. I got to the new year and I did an episode I didn't have. I'm like, I'll just do a recap of all my favorite moments because I have everything clipped. So I don't have to do an episode i didn't have i'm like you know i'll just do a recap of all my favorite moments because i have everything clipped so i don't have to do an episode and then like why am i doing this fight because people you start doing these episodes with people you can't talk to and it's pulling teeth i fucking hate it and you're like i'm looking at some like are we at even 30 minutes yet and i'm like you know i'm just gonna do this with people i want to talk to i find funny i find interesting and if i'm in the mood to do it like would i like it to be every week yes but i don't have the pull yet where i can go be like hey let's get this guy on and he's interesting every

week well also it's not a business for you yet. It's not. Theoretically, yes, I have made money off this. It is not enough for me to call it a business. It's not enough to warrant that type of time investment, which I would do the same thing. I did. So I'm like fucking bipolar.

I don't know if you've heard that. No, no, I haven't heard that. But so this is like back in dubuque even um i would get into these manic periods where i would literally do a podcast every single day and it would be like a solo podcast of me just talking for 20 minutes and that's why i so actively try to not give a shit about comedy now because i know that if i do give a shit i run the risk of just letting back into that like my ego get out of control or my fucking like desire to whatever the fuck like this sort of like manic like takeover shit that happens and i'm like i know that i'm like i will write bits because i was doing that even when i quit i would just i get an idea and

i like work it out i'm like oh that's funny so like i know i'm gonna do that i know that the only thing that's gonna make me quit comedy is if it becomes like that where i'm just like obsessing about it and it's just too much and i like burn myself out so as long as i don't burn myself out and i'm writing bits like i can do comedy forever and it'll just be like a fun thing that i do and there won't be these weird expectations the expectations kill like they're the worst fucking part but sometimes i think expectations they are a driving force like i i expect to do good every time I go on stage, and so you try and perform well. Well, yeah, I mean, that just goes away.

The pride of, like, I'm going to be the funniest guy. Oh, I don't think. I'm going to have the line that fucking kills the room. Like, that never goes away. But, yeah, the whole, like, marketing side of things and... I fucking hate it. I can't be the guy that posts on TikTok every... I'll pay someone to do it.

Someone wants to do it here, go for it. I want nothing to... That's the other part, though, that we don't see is a lot of those people aren't doing... We see all the work we'd have to do to edit this or something like that. Yeah. They're not doing that. Who's not? Anyone that's putting stuff out every day.

Oh, yeah. That's actually making money. They got someone else editing and doing all that shit for them. It should be nice. not doing that who's not anyone that's like putting stuff out every day oh yeah actually like making money others like they got someone else editing and doing all that shit for them the uh be nice the red light is blinking on that camera does that mean it shut off or does that no i think you're the probably 50th person it means it's recording okay thank god what sucks it looks like oh no it paused or something no i so i worry every time i do this like we almost started this without these on we did start this without the cameras yeah you're gonna have to like slow fade like a title card into this we'll do a slideshow of us making pictures for the thumbnail before um but there have been multiple times where i i have these

like uh stand mics that would clip to this. One broke, so I don't use them anymore. But they have a front and back to them. I have probably done four episodes where I had the back facing the guest or me. So the whole episode I sound like this. Well, you would sound like this the whole time. I have two cameras on and the other one's not. I had a camera shut off i had

someone's dog actually run through once and uh take the power cord out from one of the cameras and the camera just shuts off so it not only does it stop recording but that 20 minute like section it chunks into it gets corrupted um which happened i recorded uh rachel max special I recorded Rachel Mack's special with my cameras, and someone unplugged it right when it ended. And so the last 20 minutes of day one on the main camera, gone. God damn. Yeah. I was like, fuck.

I felt so bad. But I'm like, well, she still doesn't have it for me. I have everything edited. I'm like, you guys need to get me something to put it on for you. Yeah. That's like, I have everything edited. I'm like, you guys need to get me something to put it on for you. Yeah. That's cool, man. Everybody's doing their own specials. I think that's good because otherwise you just end up being, like,

the same comic for 15 years and you never, like, you know. It's a good way to get yourself to, like, all right, time to start doing some new shit. Do I think everyone needs to be putting out specials no um there is a few people i've seen put some stuff out that i'm like you know i think you know exactly what i'm talking about i'm like people have sent me uh some links in the past yeah like what'd you just call this? This is a montage. This is not a special. Yeah, or it's like, I don't even know who the fucking guy is. Or it's like, this is just you doing 20 minutes to close out a show.

It's not. Just because you write special in the title doesn't mean it's special by any means. AJ's definitely was. That was cool to see his looks really good that's aj's stuff that he's been doing for years that has all polished up that you know that's like a normal headlining set for him yes you know like he actually has experience as a headline yeah which is i think it probably should be a prerequisite for having a special. Exactly. But the people that I've seen put out specials

that don't really have experience even doing guest spots. Not Brandon Wine, though. He's got all the guest spots in the world. I love that they start chanting guest spot at Laughing Tap now when he goes on. Oh, that's so funny i didn't realize that was the thing until i really started like getting to know him drew is just insane man he's you can't get on that man's bad side no and i've always been on his good side i don't know why if you're on his bad side like good fucking luck like he we were yeah we were tight when i first came in so it was like it was good

you're also funny though so that helps yeah i think he just he gets on people man especially brandon wine because he just doesn't he can get under your if you don't have some thick skin he will it's just his demeanor and he doesn't even say anything that mean it's just the way he says it that you're like fuck am i a piece of shit yeah yeah i've never really taken anything he says too seriously or taking it i don't understand half the shit he says because half is like marvel universe oh yeah basketball he starts talking about marvel i tune out every like when i get to laughing tap and him and Greg start. Shit's gay, man. What?

That was just for Drew. Yeah. Send that clip to him. When I get there, they say. What, are you playing with dolls, dude? What the hell? Do you want to say anything else? Someone just clip this next five minutes.

Just rip on him. No, that's it. He's playing with dolls? Yeah, he's playing with dolls. He's got a lot of dolls at his house. I don't know if you've ever been there. He's got a lot of action figures. Oh, he would know if you've ever been there oh a lot of action figures oh he would call them action figures yeah what's his biggest one i think they're like priceless memorabilia to him that's the thing i think if people would get an inside look at drew compared to what they see at uh yeah i've been in his apartment a bunch

of times i mean it's like a lot of dolls dolls? It's a lot of Marvel action figures. There's a lot of dishes piled up, a lot of alcohol that he doesn't drink, which is kind of weird. He really has... He's like... He's ready for a party. He's kind of an alcoholic,

but he's also not because he can not drink with a fridge full of beer. He'll just have... He'll be like, yeah, I don't know. I've never seen him drunk. I've never seen him drunk. Well, he's another one who can just drink, and it's like... Handle it?

Yeah, he can handle his shit. He'll have a fridge full of beer and just be like, yeah, it's from, I don't know, a couple weeks ago we had a party. I don't drink at home, so I don't drink. I'm like, dude, that shit would be gone. I'm like that. We have a beer fridge uh at our apartment um it's basically empty right now but is it you and brandon wine

me and brandon wine yeah andrew flaggy actually you met and fell in love with the backers game and now you live together yeah um we just do guest spots together we're looking for a third so drew if you want to come i got got a few shelves for all those dolls um but yeah i don't drink during the i won't drink by myself that's well that's where you and i disagree disagree i've drank by myself once in my life and i know exactly when it was um and what sucked it's not what sucked. It was so relaxing and so enjoyable. Yeah. I woke up,

I go, never again. What the fuck? Shut the fuck up. Seriously, don't, come on, don't be a pussy drink by yourself.

The first one always goes by fast. The second one is going by real slow. Dude, I had fucking, oh, I got to ask you something i finished your thought but nine beers yesterday and i think my wife was only awake for like five of them so it's more than 50 so you're good that's it's a lot it's becoming excessive for sure what were you gonna say um you do you have an iphone yeah um do you get i don't know how to turn i probably could easily turn it off but do you get the notifications from like apple news spotlight show up every

once in a while um no okay so i do i don't know why. I have an iPhone fucking 7, though. I have a 10, I think. Do you know they're at 14, though? So I woke up this morning, and there was an article. Where's my fucking phone? It says, couple. I'll just paraphrase. It says, couple tried to adopt two of each race. People aren't happy. There's a couple tried to adopt two of each race. People aren't happy.

There's a couple out there trying to Noah's Ark races of kids. What's your take on that? Because how many tries? How many races do you think they got before someone's like, what the fuck are you doing? How do you even go into an adoption place and be like, yeah, I was really hoping for a Vietnamese if you got one of those in the back. Like a Vietnamese or a – Your wife's like, no, honey, we got that at home.

Vietnamese or like South American, something like that. Just give me one of those. No blacks, no white. Not that I'm against that. I already have two. Yeah. What are they gonna do what are you trying to do was that is that like someone's because you know i don't know if that's actually

good intentioned at all um maybe they like move to a compound in like the middle of fucking oregon or something are they like doomsday prep and they have all of the kids like systematically fuck each other and then well you know once they're up age i'm not trying to be once they're all 18 and consenting to fucking their their brother and sister then they all like intermingle and have kids and then that later generation has kids and they like work it out to get to the final race of like this is every race mixed together yeah how many it just looks like like looks like pit bull someone do the numbers how many races are there and if we did this little

compound thing how many generations would it take for us to have for us to create our master race to create the child you can't even say that's offensive because that is literally saying we want equal representation of every single race everyone to be like 0.6 percent of yeah 0.685 repeating or whatever the fucking fraction would be percent of that person it like every single race would be represented but not like would you include this edible is kicking in a little bit. I don't know what I'm talking about. Would you – so would every race have to be – like do you include half too? So if you had – we got two pure whites, two pure blacks. But like what if we have – Holy fuck.

We're in Waukesha. Come on, baby. Keep it going. Does everyone have to be like pure, 100% to start? Or are we including like, oh, he's white, she's black. I would say yes. He's Mexican, he's half. I would say yes only because it would make the math easier.

Yes. You wouldn't have to factor in all these other things. Is she crying at the top of the stairs the dog i think she is i love the the name though butter yeah i had a cat we named it booger well we named it arrow because we had bow and arrow okay um we're republican too don't worry um but we called it it was in honor of the indians that's we honor them with sports team names and pet names that's it we named our golden retriever cherokee after the jeep yeah oh man why butter though um literally we were laying in bed

we were looking at the picture of the dog and i said what should we name it and my wife's like i don't know butter and then we both laughed and i was like okay that's it that's perfect that's perfect yeah rather than overthinking it yeah it would have ended up being something stupid like petunia or whatever okay what's the most common dog names like lola and um not low is lola a common dog name excuse me i feel like lola is a common name for like a pit bull yeah that the owner swears is not violent but it's actually pretty killed two kids from our compound ruining up our mathematics then we gotta go if you kill two of the kids

then we gotta go find two more fucking kids. And then they're going to be behind in the program. And then when we give you our results, you'll be like, yeah, but there's an asterisk by it because fucking, they're not going to be, they're not the same.

They're not going to be programmed into believing our bullshit. That's the craziest thing. It's like how people in cults can just be convinced to do anything. And they'll be like, well, he just told me to do it, and I did it. Every single cult documentary, you know, things got... Dude, they're creepy as fuck, for one. You know, they just kept yelling at me, and so I let them fuck me in the ass. And that's like, all right.

And now he has 17 wives. I'm just such a nonconformist that the second somebody tries to do a power move over me, if it's a boss or something, I'm just like, fuck this place forever. Oh, yeah. Don't fucking... I'm not afraid of you. I'll go fucking drive a truck again for a living. I don't give a shit.

That's... I can't... Any sort of weird dogmatic shit, that's i i can't any sort of weird dogmatic shit that's honestly i agree with most of like the left's opinions but they just fucking they just annoy me so much with the dogmatic shit where it makes me feel like i'm in catholic school again where it's like you have to be this and you're not pure enough to be one of us and actually you're like pretty problematic and it's like you have to be this and you're not pure enough to be one of us and actually you're like pretty problematic and it's like fuck you. I know that whole game. Like I grew up Catholic.

I'm not – I just don't want someone to – I don't want to care what someone else thinks of me because then I give them power over me to like – you know. See, I'm like that boat with trends. Like fidget spinners, i fucking hated fidget spinners what the fuck like i i refuse to get into anything that's just like all of a sudden oh we're all doing this right now out of nowhere but everyone's doing like i'm talking about politics and religion i refuse yeah fidget spinners i well i'm the most elementary adult i I think. I don't care about politics, religion. I mean, I care enough.

Like, I would like the world to be a better place, but I won't argue politics, religions with people just because you know you're not going to change anyone's mind. Yeah, I have, like, things... I got that from my mom. She's like, my dad used to argue with everyone. I used to do that, too, back when I was, like, 22. And then i got like

after that whole thing happened i started writing for another uh company and then i got like really into politics and that's when it got like really embarrassing the shit i was writing because i didn't know what the fuck i was talking about i was just that's the other thing i don't know what i'm talking about so i'm not gonna be like i have a strong opinion in this and someone comes back with facts and be like well i don't know where you fucking got those so that's what happened to me like um i was basically just regurgitating shit i heard online or whatever and then um no original thought yeah it was it was like basically velcro or did i just rip this no it's fine it's velcro um it's a cheap chinese couch you said it like it's definitely not velcro like what let's pretend it's velcro the the cushioned velcros to the thing hello hello pubbers

um but yeah i it wasn't even like regurgitating it or it was to an extent but it was like um it was like i had a gut feeling about something, and then let me... It's like the Bill Burr thing of like, let me go to imright.com. Butter, you're very nice, but that is not... Hey. Hey. Would you like to be in the podcast?

Butter. Wife. I see it. I'm trying to hear it. Can you lay down? Can you lay down? Can you lay down? Can you lay down? Can you lay down? Lay down.

Good girl. Sit. Sit down. Lay down. I'll let you chew my hat. Go hump upstairs again. But yeah, I think it was more of like, I'm a fucking narcissist and I think I'm right, so I have this opinion and then let me go online and look up things that agree with my opinion and then use those things as facts to like

back up what my what i think how the world should be like i used to do a lot of that shit too and it was like now i kind of i don't know my approach is like can you can you not? What is she chewing on? I'm really on a roll here saying some very interesting things that I'm sure everyone is really interested in. And you're ruining the show. What is that? It's a ball. I'm hesitant to throw it.

If you throw it once, she's going to come back 500 times. I'm going to grab the full one so you don't spill it. Hey, can you sit your butt? Sit down. Sit butt. Sit butt. See, it sounds bad when you're knocking over beer bottles. It sounds bad when I'm burping into the mic.

If you sit here, people will watch you and then you'll be fine. We're really just a disgusting family. Not you. You're great great he's talking about you go get her let's put it if i actually edited this i put a timer so when she would come back but um yeah I think I realized like oh again I'm just a fucking weird narcissist who's if I don't ever check myself I'm just gonna go off and say this crazy shit and like start fights with people and like then I look at it look back at it in retrospect and I'm like horrified so I'm like okay okay, I can't do that. So let me just, I guess, have opinions and then try as hard as I can to not ever talk about them. You'd be a bar fight person, wouldn't you, if you just let yourself go?

No, I would just be like a smarmy fucking douchebag. The guy who sits at the end of the bar and is like, fuck that guy. Yeah, yeah. I just would be. Is it normal for girl dogs to hump? It's normal for her. That's her daily routine. Hump.

That's hump and crab. That's hump and crab? Yeah. She was going at it there for a second. Is that normal, though? I don't know. She does it quite a bit. She might be a lesbian maybe there have been dogs that have been uh interested in her and she's really not really like male dogs they try to hump her and shit and she's just like

okay like she might be a lesbian is that a thing can animals be i know monkeys can be gay i think yeah but are there ever any lesbian monkeys are there gay penguins or is that just from a tv show i saw that might be from parks and rec there's probably gay penguins there's probably gay i know there's gay dolphins there's gay whales how do we find that out how do we find any of that shit out? If you're gay, the place to do it is in the ocean. That's where no one can see. No one but the aliens.

I'm convinced the aliens are in the water, not in the sky. Hey, can you not? Your dog is in his water bottle. Butter! No! Hey. We don't bite guests in our house. Butter! No! Hey! We don't bite guests in our house. That is not nice. No.

Hey! Sorry. You're good. Sit. R.I.P. headphone users. Sit. Sit. You want a treat?

Hey. Sit. Mom's got treats. what is your take on abortion she looked very concerned about it i don't know what her take was but yeah it's like there's shit i believe but it's like does it fucking matter you know like why why do i need to be the guy like i'm fucking retarded why do i need to be the guy that's like going on facebook and telling everyone my opinions they're just gonna it's like i don't i don't need to just be another fucking voice in the

choir of people bitching about everything i feel that i don't post for people who want to do well in this industry um i don't think either one of us post at all um do you post shit at all besides i see your dog stuff on facebook now um i have actively tried not to post anything or try to get booked or like try like send emails or clips or anything like so you don't want to be booked no i'll get booked if someone books me i'll do the show but i'm not like you're not like reaching out and be like hey i'm looking for a spot not really because um i don't know when i quit i probably had like 25 ish minutes of stuff and i really didn't like it um i really don't want to keep doing it but now every time i get booked i have to do like

15 minutes of old shit that i know works or it sort of works but i just you're sick but you're not buying into it yeah i just don't really want to like do it anymore so there's like been two bits that i've retired over the last like two three weeks where I did it it got like a nasty not a nasty response but like alright it's time for this bit to be done type of response and I just don't I want to like start

from zero and just build back with like new shit that I wrote this year at least you brought a solution this time as to your biting he just wants to play tug of war we might have to wrap this up so we can play with you you just wink at me bite not the microphone

see this is why my only social media is just a facebook for my dog because she's hilarious and it's a very positive way to interface with the world she she's aggressive with it like oh yeah biting the head would that be like equivalent pulling hair what she's doing yeah she's got a dark side to her she's definitely a power lesbian yeah she's what do you got man no but it's like i just post uh pictures and videos of my dog and then the same like eight people comment it's like a lady who was our realtor my wife's mom her sister my aunt my mom those are the people that comment. All people that are worried about you are looking for future business when you want to move out of here.

Wait, what? I said it's all people who are looking out for you and the future business. Yeah. Hi. Hello. You want to come sit by me? Okay. Come sit right here.

Come over right here. Come on. come on, well, what do you want, you want to eat this, butter, you should, you should sign us out for this one, I usually have a final question I ask, I stopped doing that a while ago, I'm trying to think of the ones I used to ask people, I asked you about Noah's Ark of Children, which was good. I would genuinely like to know the numbers on that one. I think we have to start with how many races are there.

If you had to guess, how many races are there? Are we going just the main ones? This is going to be a bad clip. All right. Asians, black. Jewish. Yeah, I would consider that a race. This is in order, too, by the way. I don't even remember the order.

Do we do every denomination of Asian? Do we do like one Japanese, one Chinese, one Vietnam, one Korean, one person from i don't know any other places oh the philippines oh no was that off or did she just unplug it you just unplugged it okay that's all right it's perfect timing oh boy well so there's only you said there was only one race that's what you're saying while we were gone There will be once our... What do you think it looks like? Whose genes take over? Pitbull?

Yeah. You think Pitbull is like... Final question. You're sending one person as our ambassador to the alien. Besides the child we get out of our compound. Who are you sending? It would either look like Pitbull or it would look like the avatar the last airbender it would just be some like bald like vaguely no but like specifically on

this planet now who are you sending to the aliens to like to the aliens um to be like hey don't kill us yet well i don't know it depends on what kind of aliens they are like are they do they are they cool if they're cool i would send like louis because then he would go up there and be like listen i get you know what's going on it's it's a mess but like we're mostly we're fine we're good people he would like be able to explain it in a funny way um I mean, what if they're fucking, like, they're just assholes? They just want to destroy us. Then you, like, send Vladimir Putin because you're like, this motherfucker's not, like, he's our scariest, meanest,

like, lionist motherfucker that we got. Like, he'll just do whatever he's got to do. So we have we have putin or louis that's who you're sending that's our mount rushmore people right there on vladimir putin or louis ck are the two people that i was depending on the temperament of the aliens because you gotta oh i mean what if they're like super horny aliens send lisa ann send yes and whatever the the hottest all right you get one more of our mount rushmore we have vladimir putin lisa ann send yeah send whatever the the hottest all right you get one more of our mount rushmore we have vladimir putin lisa ann well let me louis ck who's our fourth mount rushmore

of people we'd send to the aliens i don't think it should be lisa and i think it should be that chick from like if it's my mount rushmore i get to choose the chick i think it's that chick from the uh the queen's gambit do you know who i'm talking about no i never watched it is it um she's yeah she's in uh she's in the peaky blinders that like anna whatever the i don't know whatever very yeah um so it's either her because she's she could seduce them or um i don't know, what's the other vibe? They're either here to fuck us. Kill us.

They're here to kill us. They're just, like, cool. They're just here. Curious. What the fuck? I think that's it. Fuck us, cool, kill us. Or they want to experiment on us. Okay, what if they just want to, like, strike, kill us. They want to experiment on us.

Okay, what if they just want to strike deals with us? Then we've got to send someone Jewish up there. We've got to send, I don't know, some better-call-Saul type of dude up there to just like, no, no, no, listen, okay, all right, I'll talk on behalf of my clients down there yeah so just a jewish guy that one chick from the queen's gambit vladimir putin or louis ck are the four people that i would send to the moon or to the aliens that's perfect let's

wrap it up all right thank you good night everybody god damn bad right okay yeah that that door right there perfect not that door that's the garage but that door