Fat Chance Podcast - Ep. 73 - Ben Hofman

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

Self proclaimed next John Mulaney... Ben Hofman is filming his first half hour comedy special, "Unexpected Turbulence," May 20th at the Story Hill Firehouse in Milwaukee, WI. Tickets to the show: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/ben-hofmans-comedy-special-taping-tickets-527273889397

So are you saying you're John Mulaney? I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. Um, clip it. I'm saying that. Um, we're just going to, I'm going to be honest with you. We're going to get views here. I told Judd this, take your shoes off, take them off. And then you're going to be honest with you. We're going to get views here. I told Judd this. Take your shoes off. Take them off. And then you're going to cut me a piece of ham, and we're going to start this podcast. Microphone, sir.

What do you mean by cut? You're going to cut me a piece of ham, and you're going to take your shoes off. You're going to show your toes to the weird people that like looking at our feet here because there's a lot of them and i think i might have just ostracized half the people that watch this but show them your feet do i have to show my feet he's six seven so he's got some digits yeah i'm six seven are you six seven no i'm six four close enough to me, 6'7". I'm like... Cut you a piece of ham?

Jesus Christ. Are you guys like ham people? Judd was the first one to do this. You'll be number two. This is a full leg of Spanish ham. I would like you to remove the towel, take the piece of fat off, put it on the towel, and you're going to cut me a piece of ham. Okay.

All right. All right. Take the fat off. This feels like hand. Is this a two-handed job? That's a real knife. That is a real knife, buddy. It is.

I'm curious to see. It still seems kind of, it's soft still, Jake. Where did you guys get this? A pig. Yeah, don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to. All right. So here's the thing. You ever had like prosciutto?

Yep. Okay. That's this. I would like you to cut nice thin slices. Yep. Okay, that's this. I would like you to cut nice, thin slices. I love that I'm making the guy with one hand do this, too.

All right. This is off to a good start. I did not expect this. It's very uncomfortable. I'm not going to make you eat it because it's... It's been left out. It's supposed to be left out. See, it's still soft though. Quick, can I see the knife real quick?

You're using the wrong side of the knife. This isn't the right side of the knife? No, you want to use this side. Wow. That clip better go viral. Look how much easier it is that you're using the right side. Now my hands are all hammy. All right, lift up. And I'm going to need you to eat this piece of ham.

I'm eating this piece of ham? Ham? If I get sick from this ham, this left out ham, this Spanish ham. Yeah, don't eat it. Don't eat it. Don't eat it. I think we should shave the top layer off first. Jake, can you do me a favor and get rid of this ham for us?

Why not? Jake, don't put a shirt on. Can you use the microphone, sir? Use the towel. Use the towel. What did I... Microphone. What did I just do that for?

You're just shocking off. Did you expect when you got here to cut a piece of Spanish ham today? I did not. You said you wanted to get vulnerable. You are one with a pig. Also, I learned kosher means blessed by rabbi. I thought it just meant no pig. Does that mean our kosher salt has been blessed?

Yep. Really? Yep. No, we got to put the fat over it. The fat preserves the... The allure. Yep. Well, not the allure it keeps it moist okay I need you to why don't you tell everyone when when you're your specials gonna be yeah the reason why we're all here I don't know what that did. Hey, guys. My special Unexpected Turbulence is going to be shooting May 20th,

Saturday, May 20th, in the Story Hill neighborhood of Milwaukee. So if you're in Milwaukee, please come check it out. The place where it's at is Story Hill Firehouse. So please come and enjoy it. I have worked really hard on it, and I think anyone can like, or I know anyone can like my comedy. All right. All right all right sit back relax my hands are still wipe them on your jeans are you if you get like messy when you eat do you ever wipe it on your

pants or you do you wipe it on your leg hair do you have enough leg hair no are you a hairy person i mean i there's so many questions i have to we have to back up a second you seem like you got like long black hairs but like not a lot of them in like patchy places back up okay but a napkin i use a napkin to to wipe my hands off you animal if you don't you use your leg hairs i'll i'll use my leg hairs when i'm out in the wilderness in which i don't go out in the wilderness because you want to know why there's no napkins okay okay okay okay summer day you're you're down by you know the lake okay you're on the beach there's there's no napkins at the beach you have a bag of potato chips and you have a few of them what do you do with your fingers do you just i found grass you're on the beach there's no grass i you've never just wiped your jake Have you ever wiped your fingers on your legs?

I thank you, Jake. I would use the water to wash my hands off to wash the drought. If this is going to be hypotheticals about washing hands the entire time, I'm going to be pissed. Why? What do you want to talk about i just i like you know at the end of every entourage episode everything works out everything works out yeah that's what i'm feeling like right now you think this is gonna work out yeah this episode or life just well the the special okay i i've uncovered a new five minute chunk that just recently came about and that's that's gonna lead off the special i'm feeling really good about it how many times have you done it or is this you're just gonna wing it no i've done it like three times now

that's not winging it that's not winging it to me no no but it's still that's very new that is very yeah are you only doing one new. Are you only doing one recording? I'm only doing one recording. I was telling everyone, well, if we sell enough tickets, maybe two. But we got to sell more tickets, guys. May 20th, Story Hill Firehouse. Please be there. That's Firehouse Subs, May 21st.

West Allis, Wisconsin. that's firehouse subs may 21st west allis wisconsin i love the club at firehouse subs have you ever had firehouse subs i'm the special the special you goddamn asshole we're here to talk about one thing and one thing only, and that's my comedy special. Ask me when I thought of the idea. Are you like hard-boiled eggs? Are you scrambled over easy, over medium? Oh, my God.

I hate podcasts that go this way. When did you decide you wanted to do this? So about two years ago, I decided or I was having a conversation with my cousin, Bob Carroll. He's on none of the socials. Love him to death. He was like, do something. He's a big personality. He's a big character.

And we somehow got onto the discussion of the future. And we somehow got onto the discussion of the future. And he said something in passing. And he didn't really point this to me, but he said, not enough people do things that they're afraid of. I would say most people don't do that they're afraid of. I would say most people don't do things they're afraid of. And when I sat down last, and that stuck in my head. And when I sat down, when was it? It had been a year and a half ago.

I sit down every December and write out my goals for the next year. Sidebar, how many times have you accomplished all the goals? I mean, it's not about accomplishing the goals to me. No, I know. i'm just genuinely curious have you ever been able to like just check them all off by the end of the year no but it's not about accomplishing a goal it's about to me it's about setting setting charting a course charting a course for the next year what do you really want to focus on and it doesn't matter if if it gets accomplished or not it to me it's that you're you're setting

you're setting your goals and one of the goals I had was uh to do something i'm afraid of in comedy and that's shoot a special and not because i'm not funny enough it's it was more because you know i don't have the following you would you'd associate with someone or i don't have the the all the followers on social media that you associate with doing something like this yeah when people think special they think netflix yeah but and then and then i i listened to tom segura talk about like putting out your own stuff and he said they're they're the gatekeepers in comedy are so much less than they used to be. Meaning that you can put out your own stuff

and be as good as people in comedy clubs doing comedy as a full-time job. It's exposure, and you have the ability to put out whatever you want. Right. It's just a tricky line because you just put out everything you've ever done. No. You want things to be good and everything to be perfect, but if you keep putting out BS, people are like, why am I going to keep watching this because right it all sucks there's a it's still a game yeah the gatekeepers

aren't what they used to be but it's just a different game is what it is yeah and so i sat down last december had a goal of doing a comedy special and then talked to talk to people close to me talked to my wife about it uh talked to judd judge my co-producer on it judd has been instrumental in you know laying out the logistics not only not only logistics of you know the the the where when how of it but also like helping with the with like brainstorming jokes and it's you know I I can't thank them enough for it um I talked to my to my parents, my parents are going to be there. My parents really haven't seen me do standup comedy. They know, they know what my jokes are about. Um, and you know, for better or for worse, I sort of use them in my act.

I think most people use their life in their act i i don't use my parents i've used my mom i've never i think i've used my dad once used my mom way more than my dad i use my girlfriend a decent amount just because most i interact with her the most yeah i don't know like i i wanted to get something in about every one of my family members and i've done that with my mom and my dad i can't find anything for my brother don't force it yeah i mean this should be hopeful i mean you know what you're going to do now right for the whole thing you have this completely planned out are you still i mean with it i mean i am still still toying with it i don't i have the general layout of it i sit down i've been sitting down since september

or not september december writing out what my half hour is going to be every week and so and that's that's morphed for what like some jokes i thought were going to be in the special aren't going to make the special like oh yeah and then you don't you have them for later do another half hour down the road yeah or just never use them again yeah not everything's meant to be used it's exactly and i think as a as a person as a comedian you grow uh into you if you stick around long enough, you grow into, uh, better jokes and going back to the entourage, like everything's going to work out. Like just probably in the last half month, like my jokes have, have gone to a new level i think you want to ask me a stupid question

don't you no i'm i'm genuinely just listening this is my face when i listen for a long time um i another are you afraid of my stupid questions i just don't want to answer them go ahead continue i another like instrumental piece of the special is i watched john mulaney's latest special baby jay and that like rewired my whole brain into stand-up comedy because he in this latest special talks about uh going through drug addiction and drug rehab and and that that's been like like the only time i've seen a comic like really tear into something that's inherently not funny like i've seen comics and don't get me wrong i think comics any comic can kill but to do it with stuff that's inherently not funny like uh like drug addiction and drug rehab and go in depth with it is it's

it's inspiring and not just in not just in the way that like he made it through the other side, but like his jokes are really well written. And, you know, I'm talking about having brain cancer and a stroke. And that is inherently not funny. But I, I, I do it right. And John Mulaney does it right too. Are you saying you're John Mulaney? I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that.

Clip it. I'm saying that. I'm not saying that. Clip it. I'm saying that. But I think, I don't know. Stand-up comedies. So what's the word? What's the opposite of objective subjective yeah you just answered your own question i did i did i'm doing this interview yeah so you just you know i'll just turn my camera off you ask the question then answer it you want to do that yeah all right

um i'll make dinner do you want some what are What are you making? I got some sweet potatoes, some Brussels sprouts. I can make some chicken. You know, a nice bro meal. Nice bro meal. Nice bro meal, yeah. Got to stay in shape. Is that, like, what you eat? Regularly.

Do you meal plan? Yes and no. Like, what do you mean meal plan? Like, or meal prep sorry uh lunch yeah yes and yes like lunch i just make a bunch of chicken for the week so that's my protein for lunch right and then i take a bunch of vegetables and yogurt okay and my breakfast is fruit and a protein shake and at dinner i just eat whatever i want essentially whatever i still have here a lot of times it's eggs i really like eggs how many eggs do you think you've eaten in a lifetime stupid question um it is a stupid question but we got some time to fill he and they want to get to know you. Eggs. Eggs with an egg? Eggs, eggs, bags, eggs.

I would say there was a period of time where I really liked eggs from like three to six and then I shut off eggs completely because- You remember being three? I don't know. I just said three as a number as a starting point okay three to six and then i i swore off eggs until about sixth grade and then scrambled eggs love a good scrambled Scrambled egg with a little bit. Here's a secret. With a little bit of milk.

Milk? Yeah, I hear people do that. And Parmesan cheese. Ooh, you're a Parmesan. Okay. Yep. I don't do the milk. I just throw some cheddar in there or some Colby Jack.

Yep. Scramble it up if I'm going to do scramble. Depends on what I'm in the mood for sometimes i like a nice over easy egg get a little runny piece of toast do you i haven't been sick of eggs in the last four years and i eat them all the time i've had thousands of eggs i think so Let's break this down. A day? Four. Four eggs a day. In peak, I was having probably 20 to 24 eggs a week.

Okay. Times 52. That's a year. That's, you know. A number. I've had a brain brain injury so i can't do it um that's like a thousand yeah four years you've had thousands of eggs that's thousands of eggs congratulations plus that time i was really into eggs from like two and a half to like six and three months i was really into eggs and then i quit till seventh grade slightly before seventh grade so around the time you that's why you're so short

yeah you i may 20 is story hill firehouse 8 p.m firehouse subs number 12 get the club it's delicious ask me this this is how it's gonna go i want you to tell me what to ask you and then i will i have i have a funny story to tell you okay uh wait hold on can you tell me a funny story okay yes i can um so this past summer um i got some good news from the doctor my tumor is actually smaller fuck yeah first time in 15 years and i was when i got the news the doctor the doctor sort of like slow played me on it she's like your tumor is looking smaller but you know i just want to compare the scans a little bit more and i'll i will call you later on today so i didn't tell anyone yeah and then when she came back and she

said hey the tumor is smaller and I I was ecstatic I I cried and then I called my mom she cried and then I told my wife and you would think, and you would think that this, I have told my wife that I still have a tumor in my brain and I did not disclose that information to her. So instead of her being incredibly emotional, actually, she is incredibly emotional, supportive. But this time she was mad at me because she thought it was gone. I didn't have a tumor.

How did you phrase it to her that she was like, yeah, it's gone? I've never said it's gone it's gone gone you said it was smaller but why does she think it was gone i'm confused right now maybe this isn't a joke i'll use in my special was this the first five minutes no no no no. This is a joke. This is a story bit. Your mom cried, you cried. How did you phrase it to your wife that she was like, I thought you said it was gone?

Okay, so I said, hey, babe, I got some good good news i got some great news from the doctor today my tumor is looking smaller and she said there's a tumor do you still have a tumor inside your body oh she always thought it was gone? Yeah. Oh. Did she think it was gone when she married you? I think this is totally on me. Yeah. Just because I'm terrible at disclosing things. Or I disclose things you don't want. I'm an open book. I disclose things you don't want. I'm an open book. I disclose things you don't want and leave out,

some would say, important details. Okay. And this was probably the most important detail I've left out with my wife so far. I'm convinced she married you thinking you had no tumor in you now. I don't want to broach the subject with her but yes i do i do think we're approaching it right now we're approaching it right now may 20th store hill firehouse 8 p.m yes um i i that's what I generally think. What else do you think she doesn't know but thinks she knows about you?

I have told this woman everything that I know to be true about myself. Except for the fact that you still have a tumor in your head. Yeah. But hey, congratulations. That is good news. It is getting smaller. Thank you. You got to feel good about that.

Thank you. I don't know why it's getting smaller who fucking cares i really wish it got smaller before before i had the stroke but um you know what can you do you'd have half the jokes i i would have five minutes well don't tell everyone what you're gonna talk about then they won't buy any tickets it's it's sort of like heavy-handed like if i don't tell like oh like this is gonna be a zany comedy you did a full 30 minutes and you didn't mention it once i'd be like all right what's up with him then? That is my funny story. It's good.

I'm glad you... I workshopped with you. I'm glad you tell your wife everything 90% of the time. 99% of the time. 99% of the time. She calls me Open Book Bunny. Open Book Bunny? Benny. Benny.

Because my name's Ben. I didn't, okay. My name's Ben, everyone. Story Hill Firehouse, 8 p.m., May 20th. Have you ever had the meatball sub at Firehouse Subs? Now you're going to make me... Irrationally mad? No, say Story Hill subs.

That's the goal. Do you have another question you want me to ask you? Are you done with comedy after this? Are you going to continue doing it? Are you going to take a break? Are you going to continue doing it? I, like... Are you going to take a break? Are you going on, like, a honeymoon? Well, I am going on my honeymoon a week after the special. There you go.

Where are you going again? Ireland. Ireland. That'll be nice. Yeah. So, and we're balling out. We're going to fancy hotels hiring a private driver because we do not want to drive on those little roads in ireland no i feel like they're all like cobblestones yeah the highways

the highways i heard heard are or as they call it the autobahn uh i don't think that's Ireland either. I'm pretty sure that's Germany. Yeah. It doesn't sound Irish at all. It does not. You know, I think there is a speed limit on the Autobahn sometimes. I saw this video the other day. It was like weird things or like culture shocks when going to Europe. Like sometimes there is a speed limit on the Autobahn.

And it's like what? Like 55. 200 miles an hour? No. I wonder how many people actually go 120 all the time on the Autobahn. It's what the left lane's for, or the right lane, because it's backwards. Are the freeways backwards then? Yeah.

That's messing with me. I was thinking about that. Yeah. So. How fast do you think you can go in a car comfortably without being like, oh, fuck, we need to slow down? Like, just on a flat, straight road? Yeah. Flat, straight road?

Yeah. I firmly believe that if you go over 80 miles an hour, you're testing fate. I keep it at 80 at all times. And the only times I've had a speeding ticket, going over 80. I've never gotten a speeding ticket. I've gotten a speeding ticket going over 80. I've never gotten a speeding ticket. I've gotten a warning. I've gotten pulled over once because I thought my car was stolen. What was that like?

It was interesting. I thought I rolled the stop sign, so I was like, oh, and the cop car pulled. It was like an intersection. It was not like it was an intersection and i turned right in the and i just kind of rolled through it and the cop followed right behind me i was like oh shit so i acted weird and i shouldn't have and i i took a right again basically back into where i was going like oh i forgot something or i was gonna go get food and turn the lights on and i pulled into a parking lot and he parked me in and he goes uh did you uh you know this car is stolen right i go no it's not like

it's not read what's your name like michael i was like it's not registered do you um and this isn't like the correct license plate or blah blah and i'm like uh this is my car it was when did you get it like six seven it was my first car ever my parents got me a car and apparently my dad dropped the registration off of the dmv and they just didn't register my car it got lost in the paperwork on the desk at the dmv they said they just found my, cause my dad went in, we had 36 hours to get it registered. Otherwise it was reported stolen. We've been fine big time. And they just like, yeah, Oh, it's on the desk here. We just missed it for six months. They missed it. That's like, I know like, but like, that's one of my nightmares is to, like, do all the paperwork and then, like, government institutions screw it up. Yeah, at the end of the day, we don't have control over much.

Yeah, we don't. If they want to take it, they'll take it. And then, like the where well that sentence probably triggered a few people like try and come and take my fucking guns so what was what did you i don't know where i was going with this was it about my car yeah what did i do i just drove home told my dad hey did we steal this car he's like no he goes apparently it's not registered and then he got irrationally mad because he did all the work and the next day it was registered like yeah

it's just stuck underneath the paperwork like how do you stuck underneath the paperwork. Stuck underneath the copier, dude. That's like something the government emails you about. I'm like, sorry, I lost it in my desk. I'll register it tomorrow. They're like, oh, we're still going to issue you a $5,000 fine for not registering your car within X amount of time. I feel like I should have gotten money back for, you know. The hassle?

The hassle. The trauma. The, you know, the time it took out of my life to do all that. Because that's what we're getting billed for by the government. Yeah. All right. What do you think of taxes? I think we're going down a slippery slope here.

All of a sudden the video ends at like minute 27. So back to your original question where are you going to take a break? Are you done with comedy? Going into this, I really had to ask myself is is this gonna be the one of the final times I'm on stage no it's not I mean I i i've i've worked six years on this this getting one getting up the courage to if you're about to tell me the podcast wasn't recording the whole time no it's recording i'm just i gotta turn it on every once in a while and i'll tell you why i'm checking my phone. Just safety of my lady right now. What's going on?

You know, and I hate to interrupt, but you know, because I'm going to respond so she feels safe. But, you know, I just heard about this. Apple AirTags. Like, people can use it to track people. Yeah. like people can use it to track people yeah and if you've been traveling on for a while for safety reasons apple will notify you like hey there's one in the area well my girlfriend just moved and did you find one on her car no but is getting the notification, I can read it. And it's, I don't know if it's real or not, if it's a glitch or something like that.

But unknown AirTag. What were the other ones? AirPods Pro found moving with you. The owner of this item can see its location but she's the owner of the she's not she's not the owner of them and so um you let me know air airpods pro found moving with you what was the other one what was the other one it's some weird stuff that I don't like

it's kind of sketchy to think someone could just put something on someone's car and then they're just tracking you because then it says where it's been and it's between her new place and her old place Jesus yeah well Jesus. Yeah. Well.

I'm going to keep talking about my comedy special. Yeah, you keep talking about the comedy. I'm going to reply to her real quick. Okay. So, what are you going to say? I thought you were going to keep talking about comedy. I'm just going to make sure she's all right because she said you're going to get paranoid with it. So I'm going to reply. I don't need to divulge personal stuff on here.

All right. Don't divulge. Hey, Story Hill Firehouse, May 20th, 8 o'clock. eight o'clock so yeah um i i really had to wrestle with is this going to be the the last time i'm on stage and you know because it's been six years and you know you you get this from doing comedy from your time. The struggle is real. Like, going to some gigs, you really don't want to go, and you show up, and you're like, this is exactly what I expected.

Oh, yeah, that's worse. Like, actually, I don't know't know what's worse going to something you think might be all right then it's a dud or like this is going to be a dud and it's definitely a dud i think the way my brain works is i say this is going to be a dud but in the in the back of my mind oh it could turn out yeah it's good turn around yeah but i think i think it's worse when you know it's going to be a dud and you show up and it's just not going at all yeah that happens it's uh it makes you it's such a weird thing because it's not really that weird but you're like oh i'm on a show this is good for me but in reality no one's there no you're getting stage time yes and you're you gotta if you can make like four people laugh you feel good and you're building confidence

at the end of the day is what you're doing but you leave there i'm like i drove an hour and a half someone paid me 40 to 50 bucks not even probably 25 because it's if you're in the beginning you're hosting so you went for five minutes you drove an hour and a half you made 10 to 25 bucks paid for your gas on the way there and back you go home you're like well that was my Friday night. And what's worse is if you bring a camera and you set up a camera, like, you feel like, oh, my God. Like, I'm not even going to watch this. I just recorded myself, and I'm not even going to watch it because there's four people in this room.

Even if there's people there, it takes a lot for me to watch myself back. I mean, it's a good set. Yeah. I'll watch myself being good. Yeah. Everyone will watch themselves being good. But there are times you give it enough time, you won't like that set. There was a few of them I've done this year i'm like oh that that went pretty well

and now i was looking at it today because i was getting some of the stuff off the sd cards for this and i was like i don't want to watch that i know exactly how it went it wasn't as good as i thought yeah your expectations just got in higher yeah and i mean with starting starting from scratch it isn't scary to me but it's just like all right now i i moved the boulder up the hill and when this is done starting back at the bottom yeah but isn't there isn't there some like excitement to that at least for me there is because i hate doing the same thing over and over and over again that's what this is right um and i have no problem doing it shows and whatnot but you get so sick and tired over and over so the creative freedom now it's gonna be stressful everything i've listened

to people like, am I going to be able to write another hour, half hour again? And then three months later, like, Oh, I got 15 minutes. Right.

Like it's, it's a time thing. It's stressful, but it's kind of nice. Like, Oh new. Cause how, how excited do you get when you have something new that you like that you're

going to go try on stage? You're kind of, you're pumped about it. Oh yeah. And then if it does well, you're like shit i have something yeah it sucks when it doesn't go well but you're like at least i tried something new and didn't do the same thing to the same people over and over and over again that's what the last probably three months has been for me but you need to do that because you're practicing for it i i know i need a different mindset but i don't i i have i have worked really hard not for me or

for it not to seem so rehearsed for me. Like the first probably three years of comedy, I recited for 15 minutes, or not of this half hour, but 15 minutes every show. And I had to learn the hard way that, you know, that material was good for you when you started. But now it's time to morph, time to grow out of that material. So that was really freeing to me to just go for it. Like the new stuff, working in the old stuff with the new stuff.

And that's where I'm at now. And guys, like an Entourage episode, it's going to work out. It's going to work out. Can I ask you dumb questions now? Do you think it's weird that I check my Apple Watch like this? What, to your nose? Are you trying to smell the time? No, because I really can't use this hand that much.

I check my messages. Oh, with your nose. With my nose. Oh, I do that all the time. I even do it with my phone. I'm like, you know what? You ever tried using your penis tip with it? Next question.

Next question. You jackass. All right, can I ask you a fun one? Yeah. Let's have some fun. Yeah, let's do it. Let's have some fun. I mean, I'm having fun. I, let's do it. Let's have some fun.

I mean, I'm having fun. I've had fun the whole time. Good. But yeah, let's have more fun. You're Mount Rushmore, not of comedy. Yeah. Okay. The aliens, they're hovering.

Okay. And they're like, we need four representatives from you. Yep. We don't know what they want, what their intentions are. Four people, you're Mount Rushmore. Who are you sending up to meet the aliens? You don't know what they want. Are they horny?

Are they hungry? Are they angry? Are they happy? Are they angry? Are they happy? This is tough. This question doesn't have enough parameters. No, it has the exact amount of parameters because your answers could be all over the place. You want to cover so many spectrums. Yeah.

I think I'd want to send one person who's the greatest in their field. And that's either Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan. Okay. Greatest basketball player, greatest golfer. You're sending both of them? No, I'm sending one or the other. Tiger Woods. I'm sending Tiger Woods.

You're sending? T Woods. T Woods. Okay. Okay, you're sending... Tiger Woods. You're sending... T-Woods. T-Woods.

Okay. Then I'm sending a person that's going to mediate. Okay. And make it a fun time. So Trump. Moving on. Okay. I'm going to send a comedian I'm going to send

I think You know what I think Burt Kreischer's The one for the job Okay He knows how to Set people at ease I feel like he would just talk to Tiger Woods He knows how to set people at ease.

I feel like he would just talk to Tiger Woods about his golf swing the whole time. There is a possibility of that. Would he go shirtless or with his shirt on? He's got to take the shirt off. Does aliens need to see how... Peak male form? Not even that. Just how barbaric we can be. Okay.

I like that. I like that. So we got Burt Kreischer, T. Woods. Can't send yourself. I'm not. I'm not going to. What? I don't know.

I'd want to go. You wouldn't want to go up there? You know, I'm good down here. I'd go. If I had the opportunity, I can send me up. All right. Okay. Sorry.

Sorry to interrupt. sorry to interrupt then then we gotta we gotta keep we gotta uh you know what we hey like welcome to the planet but please don't blow us up okay like you gotta have that you gotta have the peace um and all i can think of is politicians right now and i don't want to send a politician because i think they're too polished i think the aliens what about putin he's not that polished we'll be able to see through that um i'd send i'd probably send let's put a pin in this you can do a fictional character if you want the fictional character that's really fun um

um got all the i don't read enough to to pick a picture fictional character um you know what another athlete i'm gonna send lance armstrong because he's he's gonna be like hey guys this is this is the highs and lows of earth he also only has one tesco so he's almost an alien yeah because i imagine aliens are kind of just flat down there like a Barbie. You know, I think they're actually really hairy. You think they're hairy? I think the aliens are coming in there. They're going to be hairy. They're just like moms?

Mops. Mops. Mop head? Maybe. Some of them. What would be scarier they look like they're long hair everywhere or their entire body's like covered in like a five o'clock shadow stubble i think five o'clock yeah like they just look prickly yeah i i want none of that. I think aliens...

Have you ever seen that Airbnb commercial? I thought you were going to say, have you ever seen the alien? No. Which Airbnb commercial? The Airbnb commercial where they're like, you can be whoever you want to be inside the house, but outside the house, you got to be human. No. be inside the house but outside the house you got to be human no i don't think that's the exact messaging they were going for in that airbnb commercial but it's like all like you can let your hair down okay in our vacation rentals but for a cleanup fee of like 120 probably yeah fourth person for fourth person lance armstrong lawrence armstrong woods burke reicher um i should write these down

because i'm pretty sure what did judd say i'm sure i think he said like the sham wow guy um was one of them i think maybe no uh ryan graham it was like louis ck a jewish guy um just just a jewish guy a jewish guy um and then I would send Gary V. That's a great answer. To lead the charge? To sell Earth to the aliens. I like that. I think that's my favorite answer of yours, Gary V.

He would be great up there. Yeah. he would be great up there yeah he's like using a lot of hand gestures saying saying stuff like you know like this may look like a garage sale to you but i but i see a million fucking bucks and there's a million people down there to make connections with get gary v has to be up there. Yeah. Yeah, he's my – of your four, that's my favorite for sure. Burt Kreischer, I think, would –

you hope they're in a good mood if Burt Kreischer's going up there. Burt Kreischer you send in to, like, warm up the crowd. I don't think he's open for a while. I mean, he'll open to save the planet. Yeah, he would. But he'd try and steal the show. He would try to steal the show. He may get too drunk.

But I think he'll keep it in check for saving the planet. If aliens are the future us, do you think booze is still a thing? I think... future us do you think booze is still a thing i think i think if the aliens are future us there's another form of like how to ingest booze like a pill not not necessarily a pill but like like just at that point it's gotta be like a computer program like enter a few numbers and you're feeling a little loose yeah they cut out the like the awkward time where you're like am i drunk yeah and then it's just right to buzz yeah and then you can turn it off that would be

dangerous that'd be that'd be that's a stupid song playing in your dryer so you didn't have the laundry machine noise when you're here last time no see how long that was yeah i mean you think it ends like three times it's a symphony i would send the guy whoever made that noise in our washing machine up in hopes the aliens are angry and they killed him first because that's way too fucking long it's a it's a medley it is it's a full song it's a full song. It's a full song. Yeah. Do you have any dumb questions for me? Dumb questions. What's next for you?

Tuesday. Tuesday. Great answer. Yeah, that's it. I'm busy with work. Life is basically get up, go to work, stand up, eat, go to bed. It's been a great time.

I'm enjoying it. I want to travel a little more. Are you in Milwaukee for a long time? At least until September. That's when our lease is in. Okay. Yeah. We signed a six-month extension um this month and this month in june are busy i'm either um i think i have something every weekend

between now and the end of june i think i might have one weekend off it's like two weddings north carolina denver tough mutter um it's a lot it's a lot but it'd be a good time are you are you thinking about moving kind of i i've always thinking about it there's a lot of external factors that i always consider that have kept me here a lot but i think i'm approaching a point where i feel good about leaving it's just if i don't do it soon for at least a year or two i'm kind of missing out on that window like i'd like to do it before i'm 30 and I turned 27 this year and I want to cry. I want to pretend it's not even my birthday.

It's my birthday. Why? See, I say that, but then I also have the same mentality. I'm like, you know, there's going to be a point where hopefully one day I have kids and my birthday really won't fucking mean anything. Yeah. Like when your mom or dad turns however old they are i this sounds terrible because my i know one or both my parents listen to sometimes but they don't do any things but i i wish we did more

i that's on us sometimes but um it's just happy birthday get them their gift the flowers and you kind of it doesn't feel to seem as special as you get older. So part of me is like I don't want to turn 27. I still wish I was – I feel like I'm 23, 22. I won't go as low as 21. I was a fuckhead. You look like you're 39. 39?

That hurts The other thing that scares me Oh by the way you're a terrible son You should make your parents So happy On their birthday What did you do for your mom's birthday last year? You don't even remember

That's how unspecial it was I don't remember but but it was special. My parents usually wanted to like all... She got to hang out with my wife, which my parents like her better than me. I feel like that's most... I feel... Most parents who have sons probably like the daughter-in-law way better. Yeah, or the significant other.

Yeah, my mom is thrilled that even one of us has a girlfriend. Because she's only had boys. Yeah. Yeah, that's a big factor too. My mom, it's just me and my brother. And she was so happy. I need some estrogen in this room. Yeah.

She was so happy for me to finally have a girlfriend. Yeah. Oh, just someone that won't piss on the toilet seat. Yeah. Or someone who knows how mad I get when people piss on the toilet seat. Oh, you don't like when people piss on the toilet seat? No one likes when anyone pisses on the toilet seat. No.

But you do it on accident every once in a while, that little dribble afterwards. Yeah. Let's talk about a different subject. I want to talk about the people who leave toilet paper on the floor in my gym. How do you miss? How do you miss the toilet? Wait, what?

I'm picturing a roll of toilet paper on the floor. I'll come in in the morning. Is it a roll of toilet paper on the floor. I'll come in in the morning. Is it a roll of toilet paper? It's like just someone pulled down, ripped it off. It looks like they crumpled it and then just threw it on the ground. Oh, you're talking about paper towel. No, toilet paper.

They haven't wiped with it. Why are you using toilet paper In the bathroom In Is it next to the sink It's in my gym bathroom That doesn't answer the question Well

I don't know why they're using I don't know if they tried blowing their nose And they tried throwing it in there The trash can that missed And then just hit the floor But I'm sick of putting on gloves in the morning yeah we should change before i get mad that's yeah change it up switch it up may 20th story hill firehouse 8 p.m stop doing that i think they got they know where it is now how okay we'll end it with this because

they need to know how they can buy them where they can buy them you're just telling them where it is you're just hoping they all show up outside the building yeah uh you can buy the tickets. You can go on my Instagram page, Ben Hoffman Comedy. That is Hoffman, H-O-F-M-A-N. No double F or double N or double M. One of everything, Ben Hoffman Comedy on Instagram. A link is in my bio to the event right page uh yeah i'll put it in the fat chance one as well for you okay all right thank you yeah no website there's just we'll post links to it yeah and then let's sell some tickets i'm coming right after my show

i'm excited are they gonna let me in slightly late yeah who's running the door uh judd judd yeah oh he'll let me in yeah final question yep what are you wearing this is a question you should have asked at the beginning because this is going to be a long answer so far I have my shoes narrowed down to two, my black and white dunks, my panda dunks, high top dunks, or a wild card dunks that I'm getting tomorrow, low cut, SBs purple and blue. Interesting. Okay okay how many pants have we narrowed down we're either gonna do a lululemon light blue or a lululemon dark blue sweat pant or pant

pant okay the commission pant okay um shirt shirt that's still not a fucking clue yeah i don't i don't like doing comedy in short sleeves especially when i haven't worked out in a while all right so you're gonna do a jacket jacket crew neck i'm thinking can i can I weigh in? Yeah. Like the shoes and pants. Yep. I like the flashy shoes. Um, don't go hoodie.

Okay. I don't think hoodie. I think it takes away from your face. Yep. You're not wearing a hat. Are you? Nope. Okay.

I think crew neck, your shoes are the staple of your outfit. Cause they seem like they pop a bit, right? Right. You have simple pants. Crew neck hoodie with either something simple on the front. Or no. But no sportswear. Don't put Nike.

Don't put Under Armour. Don't put Adidas. Have it like, you know, have the sweatshirt that says go away on it. Something simple. Right. But you don't like, yeah, T-shirt, no. Do a bomber jacket. Do not do a bomber jacket. Yeah.

Not a bomber jacket guy. And no zip up. Zip up. Like that. Yeah. That's my opinion. Yeah. I mean mean i'm not doing a hoodie yeah i don't i don't i like crew neck or do the like the t-shirt button down look open yeah or you know i i do flannels i love flannels or do a flannel yeah we'll wait and see when you guys are there may 20th store hill firehouse eight o'clock

peace thank you buddy