Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.35 - Sam Walsh

Episode Date: November 4, 2021

Took a trip to Arizona to get Sam Walsh back on the show. We figured with Halloween, it was only appropriate to dress as what made our last episode so entertaining. This is by far the hardest I have laughed on an episode in a long time. Highly encourage you to check out the YouTube version as well!

Howdy I'm not. Couldn't take you seriously. It was just dongs out. We have embodied the last episode. Dude. You know how hard it is to blur this out? This thing, it's going to take up the whole fucking screen. Dude, I'm wondering if you could ride a bike on that thing. I could. Dude, I could literally.

Do you think you could? No, no, like, how would you ride a bike with that thing? Oh, I would just steer with this. Look, ma, no. Like, how would you ride a bike with that thing? Oh, I would just steer with this. Look, ma. No hands. Oh, no. I. Oh, good Lord. Welcome back.

To the Dumb and Dumber show. Holy. Dude, this is. No, we literally are embodying the two things that made our episode last time so great. That's true. Your jail story and my Mondo Dong. I gotta stop

moving it because blurring it out is gonna be so hard. Dude, you have not stopped playing with that thing for like 20 minutes. I mean, come on. If you were like... She was saying if Abby said, would you come back? If she came back as a guy, she would play with her dick and then want to know what it feels like. I'd be like, I don't have a dick this big.

And so it's kind of nice to be like, oh, holy shit. We were saying I could not have a dick this big. There's no way. This would be just, you couldn't do anything. You'd need special pants. Oh. She was saying, like, this is too big for – and there's going to be some girl that's like, nope, that's perfect. She's like, that would hurt to get dicked down by.

It's like that episode of New Girl. He's like, all right, Jess, how big is Nick's man? All right. Tell me when. Tell me when. Tell me when. Oh, my. Oh, my.

Jesus. That's what you're wearing right now. Oh, yeah. I me when. Tell me when. Oh, my. Oh, my. Jesus. That's what you're wearing right now. Oh, yeah. I'm going to start over. There's no way. I am Nick Miller's cock. We got to turn this music down. How did this get so loud?

You know what's funny about your costume? I'm supposed to have a trench coat. Let me explain. I am Frank the Flasher. The trench coat is just a little much right now. So now I'm just to have a trench coat. Let me explain. I am Frank the Flasher. The trench coat is just a little much right now. So now I'm just fucking butt-ass naked. But so I just walk around.

So it's Frank the Flasher, the Me Too movement. You pick. You know what's super funny about your costume is like you got it like last week. And I love how that was like one of the last costumes available. Oh, yeah. Like you definitely know that frank the flasher was definitely not the top purchase of the 2021 halloween actually there were there weren't many this was like one of two left there but i didn't see them at any other stores probably because you can't sell this at party city but dude that costume is the costume that you put behind like 10 000 like princess yeah costumes so no one finds it but like you kind of have and you found it

yeah yeah you found it i saw it and i didn't buy it at first actually and i went back the next day like you know what this would be funny as fuck okay so it was there for two days two days you went there saw i went there left i went there this past tuesday or wednesday so and i went to like a bunch of stores couldn't find anything i'd liked but i was like this was in my mind i mean the dick was that big i didn't let me preface it i didn't see the dick on the picture of the costume it was just censored out and i was like you know that'll be hysterical so i went back and bought it on Thursday, literally the day before I came here. And so it said it fits people up to 6 feet 200 pounds. I'm not 6 feet or 200 pounds.

And I'm like, I got to try this on. Fits almost like a glove. And I didn't realize. Like when I bought the costume, the picture has it censored out. So it was just like Frank the Flasher. And I thought either the whole thing is, like, you flash and it says censored here. I didn't think there, or it was like a drawn-out penis or something like that. When I opened this up in the makeshift changing room porta-potties at Halloween Express in Wisconsin,

and this thing fell out, did I was like how the fuck did they get this in the bag scary a little bit I laughed so fucking hard that the lady who was like monitor like monitoring the changing rooms started laughing with me she goes I was waiting for you to find out I was like dude it just fell i'm like oh my god and then right then and there i was like i'm buying this like i didn't care if it was like this was twice the size i would have just cut the penis off and just sewed it onto something else and just been frank the flasher see if it wasn't if it didn't have that sensor sign i was gonna say like did the package have like uh like to size chart where it was, like, true to size on there for you?

You're like, oh, no, man, that's too big. That's too big. Got any smaller ones? I'm trying to go more as me. Like, I go, hello. You guys can come through the cameras. It's okay. Yeah.

If I had the other mics, I'd set them up for you guys. Do you like my costume? Oh, my God. I just realized that. Don't look, Kayla. Really? Because it's usually the first thing that comes into the room. Don't look.

It's so nice to meet you like this. It is. My name's Michael. I'm Kayla. Nice to meet you. This is Kevin. I don't know. This is Frank, actually.

I'm Frank the Flasher. I have a trench coat. Don't worry. Is that what you're going with? You're going to name This is Frank, actually. I'm Frank the Flasher. I have a trench coat. Don't worry. Is that what you're going with? You're going to name your dick Frank? Yeah. Well, the costume said Frank the Flasher, so I think I've got to name him Frank. I feel like you have to name your dick something like...

Rocket. Rocket? This is a fucking rocket. I mean, it looks like the pubes are kind of like... Like, no one's just like, yeah, this is Frank. Frank. This is Frank. This is Frank.

Yeah. Basically can extend a Frank. This is Frank. Yeah. Basically can extend a handshake with that thing. You best believe I'm going to make people shake this. It is upside down, though. Like, can you tell by the shape of the head? Like, they sewed it on upside down. By the way, we're in Phoenix, Arizona right now. Michael doesn't know a single soul.

Who wants to take a bet that he definitely won't be asking people to grab his wiener? He doesn't know anyone here. Abby, do you want to grab my wiener? I also think it's funny because I always said I had a micropenis in college. Always. So this is just, you know, the ying to my yang. You know this is Halloween, right? Not opposite day.

Yeah, I know. But, dude, this is a scary costume. Imagine. Imagine if that thing was hard. Do you think this is supposed to be like a depiction of a hard penis? You know what's funny about this costume too? I was just on TikTok the other day. And I saw this guy's costume where it had just like that, like that but it had like a lever so it comes out like a button

yeah so it go like up and down up and down and this guy's costume i have no idea what he was i just like i think he's just a mechanical we see atlas that was his costume yeah dude oh well um is that your actual we went over this that's your actual prison number or your jail number oh yeah your jail number? Oh yeah. Your booking number. This is my booking number. How many, how many numbers is it?

Cause maybe you have more, more people getting arrested in a orange County in Florida than there are in Madison. Corey had like six numbers. You got like eight, 12 or something like that. Well, Florida man, what are you going to do? Never go back again. Um, so I will go back to this. How would you describe to a girl what sex feels like for you

can you repeat the question so like how would you describe the sensation your frank gets when you have sex to a girl like how would you describe that like so people understand yeah so like the girls want to know what it feels like like what coming feels like we're gonna know I don't know it's hard to even ask the question cuz I don't even know how to describe it it's like pre-workout you know he gets little like shakes and you kind of like tingling in your body that's what it feels like but like better you're not of like tingling in your body, that's what it feels like. But like better. You're not itchy.

Pre-workout, you get itchy. Yeah, I really hope you're not itchy down there. If you're scratching down there, something is wrong. This is going to be great. We should just end this now. I think we've done great for the last eight minutes. We have 52 minutes to talk about penis jokes. I think that's all we're going to talk about.

Lead on, brother. Did you come up with any stories you want to tell? No. Not that I know of. Should we just go right into the questionnaire? Might as well

instead of editing. Yeah, if we continue to talk, something might pop up. It always does. Oh, this is going to be great. So I'm going to ask you a bunch of questions now on your ideal woman. Who's your ideal person?

I asked Abby these. And so when I ask you these, you have to think this is for her, not you. Okay? Whoa. So I'm going to ask you a bunch of either or questions to help you figure out who your ideal lady is. Okay? Are you getting into horoscopes? No.

Is that what you're doing? No, no, no, no, no. Not even close. It sounds something like that. Are you going to tell me my moon next? What does that mean? Like my moon? You don't know my moon?

Is that a book? I'm a fool. Okay. I have no idea Who was the girl When we worked at Ultra That was She brought the book And was telling us

All our signs That's what I'm saying That shit freaked me out That's I don't like that We were reading it And I was like The book was this big

Everything was like Very close It was like Super close to what I was No it was so vague All of them were So vague I was like I do that Today's hor No it was so vague All of them were so vague Today's horoscope is you're gonna have a day

Thank you That means nothing to me Okay I have 6% on my phone So we're gonna do this quickly Alright Try and answer these as quickly as possible Don't think about them This is gonna be tough for me right now

Don't Give me like a Like, don't think about them. No, I, like, no. This is going to be tough for me right now. Don't, yeah. Don't give me like a, oh, this, but a little bit of that. Just either or, okay? Okay. It's just like fire, fire, spit fire questions. Just spit fire. There's a lot of them. I will skip over some of them.

Actually, fuck it. Let's do them all. We got an hour to kill, right? Ready? How many questions are there? There's a lot. Oh my goodness. We're gonna find... These are your...

This is to find... This only benefits you. This is to find your ideal person. Okay. Ready? Blonde or brunette? Blonde. Taller or shorter than you? Shorter. Makes more or less money? More. Smarter or dumber than you? Damn, these are horrible. I don't want them to be smarter or dumber than you damn these are horrible i don't want them to be smarter or dumber than me i'm like right in the middle they're smarter than me wasn't that one of the

rules i said don't give me right in the middle do you want her to be smarter or dumber yeah smarter okay so it's smarter from a small town or a big town? Small. Country or city? City. Axe? Or, yeah, Axe, more country. Sorry, I'm fucking up already. Go out or stay in? He's going to do this after all. I like balance, okay?

It's good balance. But if you had to pick one. I know. Do I get fat if I drink a lot? No. All right, go out. Okay. Ass or tits? Tits. Do I get fat if I drink a lot? No Ass or tits? Tits White collar or blue collar?

White Tattoos or no tattoos? None Traveler or homebody? Homebody Foreign or domestic? Foreign would be sick I said the same thing Frugal or generous with their money

uh generous what's their music preference give me two genres country and classic rock there we go uh west coast east coast midwest oh you know that's a tough one i don't really know a lot east coast girls so i can't like i don't really know a lot of East Coast girls, so I can't like – I don't really know what they're like. Midwest, nicest people in the world. More or less athletic than you? And I will specify a sport. Are they better or worse than golf?

At you. Worse. Worse. Okay, only child or large family? Large family. More or less social than you? Less. Alcohol or weed?

Go with weed. PC than you? Less. Alcohol or weed? Go with weed. PC or Mac? Mac. Reality TV or sitcoms? Sitcoms. Comedy or romance? Comedy. Favorite holiday?

I hate holidays. You just asked what are the holidays under your breath? I said I hate holidays. I don't suck. Fourth of July. Okay. More or less horny than you more really or be sick I would be scared if someone was more horny man beer seltzer beer vodka tequila tequila Vegas your cherry bomb what yeah that's the right answer that's the only one that has a wrong answer cherry bombs are the worst thing on this planet uh kids or no kids kids rooftop or hole in the wall i'm sorry what rooftop or hole in the wall bar for a bar yeah a hole in

the wall uh tells the waiter shuts up and eats it shuts up and eats it funnier or not than you no not i'm fucking hilarious older impossible older or younger uh damn i gotta think about that we're older okay ah dogs your? I panicked. Doesn't matter. Dogs. This is a fictional person. You're putting way too much thought. He's like, he's a cat.

Like, after this, she isn't going to appear. And you're not. Like, you don't know. I know, but, like, I feel like if I'm going to get these wrong, Mrs. Doubtfire is going to pop up. And, like, that's what I meant. Ten girls in back who are like, oh, this one, they leave. And then when you're done with this, she pops out. I'm like, all right, Sam, here's the next bit. Hit on her.

The night is young. Okay. Dogs or cats? Dogs. Books or movies? Movies. Salty or sweet? I don't read.

Sweet. Cooks or cleans? Cleans. Pancakes, waffles. That's trap, right? I think it is. Waffles. See, I think that's the one that's going to trigger the most.

I can't believe you like fucking waffles. Coffee or tea? I panicked again. He has panicked over older, younger, and pancake waffles. So you want a MILF who likes waffles right now. I'm just imagining stepbrothers. He's like, chocolate chips in my pancakes. But I'm also thinking about Donkey where he's like, I'm making waffles.

So I went with donkey. So you went stepbrothers and a donkey. Okay. Cooks or cleans? I already asked that one. Famous or nobody? Nobody. Do you guys share your money

or do you have your own money? Keep it separate. I would share. Soft smile smile big smile like does that mean like i can see her like doesn't like you never see her teeth like she's always just or like those are both horrible horrible situations don't imagine me when you're thinking of your ideal person. Although I'm checking a lot of these boxes. We'll go big. We'll go big. We'll go big.

Religious, not religious. Doesn't matter, no. Conservative or liberal? Conservative. Favorite season? Fall. High voice or aspy voice? High voice.

God damn. Type A or type B? Like their blood type? Their personality type, you donut. Like, are they like free, outgoing, whatever? I don't know what that means. Or are they like very strict on a regimen? Their blood type?

He's like oh negative What's your dream girl Oh negative or be positive like what the fuck For personalities, yeah, never heard that before like do you want like someone who's like Your manager Or do you want a best friend Not best friend That's a bad way to put it Or do you want We'll go with that one Like someone who's a liability Let's put it this way

Would you rather date Someone like you Or Like a manager Like someone who's gonna Keep your life together Or constantly put it at risk Oh man

I lean both ways i'm gonna go you'd be like split in half no no it's like sometimes it's like so we're gonna go if you would like type o like sometimes like that's nice but if they go out that's fine too like why do i have to pick one well it's not that they don't go out it's just like if they went if type a went out it'd be like we're going here here here i'm having one drink at each one it's not that they don't go out. It's just like if type A went out, it'd be like, we're going here, here, here. I'm having one drink at each one. It's the same drink every fucking time. Only talks to the same three people.

She has much of a liability as I am. No. Type A would be like. We'll do that one. Yeah. Abby asked me these. And before I even answer, she goes, you need type A. Small wedding, big wedding.

I still don't know what that is. Big. Okay. Big to go home. I'm not talking about Michael's winner. Are they more afraid of deep space or deep ocean? I get that question completely. Okay.

Yeah, I would say. That one he gets, but blood type or personality type. Deep sea, dude. The sea's freaky. It's so freaky. Naughty or nice in the bedroom? Naughty. That one he gets, but blood type or personality type. Deep sea, dude. The sea's freaky. It's so freaky. Naughty or nice in the bedroom? Naughty.

DC or Marvel? Marvel. If they were to dress up as a character from Marvel, who would you want them to dress up as? Ooh. Mm. character from marvel who would you want to dress up as oh thank you for the dead space sorry there's a lot of characters i don't know i was probably black widow okay um were you friends first or was it like a Happened chance meeting Friends first Are they a true fan of their sports team

Or do they join yours Oh join mine For sure How do they describe a cheese curd How do they I mean it's got a squeak Most people from Wisconsin say fried. No, no, no, no.

They're all fried. They're fried cheese curds. But to know what a good one is, the cheese has a squeak. I don't think you're getting it, but that works. High or low body count? Are they experienced and better or not? So if they're high, they're experienced, but if but they're low it's like a dead fish i understand what that means i don't know i i'm gonna explain everything after a few of your laps and judgments

or i would say high is high is fine yeah that's fine um look at you not being you know i don't do i'm fine okay um but i'm i'm the i'm the one that some of these are like some of these are for like asking girls but like beards or no beards? Beards. I've had a beard since I was 12, so. This is for your ideal person. You'd like her to have a beard? Oh.

I thought you were asking me if they like beards or if they don't like beards. No. It's usually, yeah, well, I could ask that. That has to be the question. It's not if I want a chick with a beard. Well, if I'm asking a girl, I'd be like, beard or no beard? Yeah. But I'm asking you the same way.

Do you want her to, maybe she's like free the nipple. Is that a freaky question? Like, is that a freak, like, do I want pubes or not pubes? Maybe you're into furries. Strip clean, please. Brazilian wax. You're 15 minutes from home. Like from a bar, bar close. Are you walking or are you taking an uber like what is she suggesting she's like we should just walk save her money or uber

i'm a walker they never like to walk okay uh spicy or mild food spicy i know the answer to this one uh mexican or as Asian takeout? Mexican. Absolutely. Beach or mountains? Mountains. Pale or tan? Tan. Daddy's girl or not? Not.

And finally, are they better looking than you? Ooh. Yeah. They definitely are. Told you. Play up. No guy will ever say, I hope she's uglier than me. No guy ever.

Every guy... Some people just settle, dude. No, every guy reaches, every girl settles, or is right in line with where she's at. A girl can't reach because a guy will never settle. I suppose. I don't know it sucks for the girls but you know what it's great for us i know it's like you and me though like everyone always is like those two last i've never seen them get married yeah no that's like i guess i guess no one's settling what was the game we played in high school? True Colors. True Colors.

That was called? Dude, we should do that on here once. That'd be fun. I hated that game so fucking much. You got picked for every single thing. Most likely to go to prison. To jail first. You actually fulfilled that one.

I fulfilled that one. And Michael did not win that one. I won that one. I, what did we, Taylor Bond had the greatest quote for that game. We had played it every fucking graduation party, and someone suggested at his house, and he just goes, oh, you mean the Michael and Sam are asshole game? Oh, yeah.

I thought you were talking about something else. No, what is it? Do you remember New Year's when that, like, we played that game? You got to speak up a bit. Do you remember New Year's in Taylor Schell's basement? I remember it, yeah. to speak up a bit do you remember new year's in taylor shell's basement um i remember yeah it was quite jesse threw up all over the wall bro i just remember remember they tried to play that game with us and we were just like we're not playing we're not playing and we played and i don't know what it was um will not repeat oh my god i know exactly what you're talking about i will not repeat what

it was said i'll repeat it No don't say it But it was I've never laughed harder in my entire life I'm gonna repeat it I was crying It's so fucking funny You can't use names though I'm not gonna use the names

Okay Cause we didn't ask any We all had the same answer Like after Okay So they asked this question like I don't even think it was true colors It was just like

They post questions and everyone puts your answer in the thing. The phone one? No, no, no. Marco. No, I think we were playing. We're playing. Are we talking about the same? Are you talking about Stinkiest?

Yes. Yes. So Marco, it was Marco's turn to ask the questions. And I won't use Marco's last name. And Marco, because they did a – before that, the girls asked, who do you think has the biggest dick in here? And so we're like, oh, this is just going to kill every guy's confidence. We all put down Sal, I think.

We did. He's got that, like, special strength. He's like, yo, what the fuck, guys? Why'd you vote for me? So Marco's like, I'll get the girls back. And goes, all right, who do you think has the stinkiest snatch? We weren't allowed to answer it, apparently, because it would hurt someone's feelings. But I think we all met up afterwards.

Like, who would you say? I think it was unanimous. Yeah. Easily. We're all like, yeah. For sure. Yeah. Uh-huh. met up afterwards like who would you who would you say i think it was unanimous yeah easily well like yeah for sure yeah we were crying laughing though i wish we would answer that one just really hurt someone someone else's feelings for once besides ours what else we get voted for jail last get married we were last get married and first get divorced yeah we won both of those. Yeah. I don't know how that, like, it was either, like, you won one and I won the other, or it was, like, vice versa. Or it was tied.

Or, yeah, tied. But, you know what, you win some, you lose some. They're not wrong. I hope on the divorce thing. At the time, I was hoping they would be wrong. I can see last get married for one of us for sure i'm at the point with every time one of our friends gets engaged we'll text you like are you even like remotely close to this i'm like i can't even fathom the idea of having a girlfriend kids you're like wow i'm at the point where if I wanted to get engaged, my mental being or where I'm at maturity-wise,

I feel like I would need to ask for my parents' permission still. Like, hey, mom, can I do this? She would probably say no, too. She's like, no, you are not ready. She said the other day, none of us are ready to be married or have kids well it's so funny you say that too because like i keep calling my mom because we're having thanksgiving here this year and so i keep calling my mom and i'm like yeah well we're gonna like uh configure the seats like this and she was like well why can't we like uh just have you guys

there and i was like we're not having a kid table. She's like, it's not a kid table. I was like, mom, if it's everyone over the age of 40 at one table and everyone under the age of 20 of 30 at another table, you're basically telling me this is the kid's table. Oh, for sure. But that table would probably be more fun. Although your family is pretty fun to talk with until they start talking about

like how we disappoint them but like do we tell your parents i'm here no no like you called your mom today i'm like we're saying like there's no way yeah i didn't tell him that he even mentions i'm here you know what i like to avoid having heart attacks by my parents at all costs so it's either mostly a lie or we stretch the truth oh yeah well we stretched we were talking to they still don't know we're going on that we added what another three months of not knowing about miami yeah i don't think they're ever gonna find out we were baffled still like how do you not you not know? Maybe at, like, my wedding or, like, let's get down the road a little bit more. Can I talk at your wedding when we're, like, 52?

Yeah, of course. I'll do, like, a bit or something like that. I'll be in a wheelchair. You'll be on crutches. To be honest, I don't think I'd make it to 52. You've got to do more cardio, then. Someone in college said It might have been Heilman

We were drunk and we were like You think you'll live long And he goes I give Kuski to 52 I'm like that's pretty specific Like I'm halfway there It's like just getting past 50 And you're like Feeling great

Maybe he'll fulfill it too He'll just like fucking kill me at 52. Huh? I told you. He's got his own plan. I mean, I don't know. Who did I have this? I had this conversation with somebody the other day and I was just like, what, like

what age? Or like, they're like, was it, was it you? Like 103, your grandma? Yeah. 103. I'm like, fuck that. Do you want to live that long? No, absolutely not. Really? But like, I've actually. grandma yeah a hundred and three i'm like fuck that do you want to live that long no absolutely

not really but like i've actually see that's what does that mean though like my skin's grown a tag um yeah if i'm a vegetable not a fucking chance like kill me at 60 if i'm a vegetable like i've told my parents if i can't, if I'm ever in a coma. If I can fully function anywhere between 85 and 90, I've had my time. I think our, like, our standards will diminish as you get older for functioning. I think I could say, like, if I could interact still with my grandchildren, then I'm okay with it. I feel like I'm going in the 80s. Wave goodbye to grandpa. Maybe he'll

see you or look. We don't know. I don't even know if he knows you. Then yeah, that's a little too far. Kill me. I've started making a list on my phone. I have so many lists on my phone. Of warning signs of when to let me go. I've started making a list on my phone. I have so many lists on my phone, but of

like warning signs of like when to let me go like Like if you oh yeah, like if you you ever see someone in public be like if I'm ever like that just Pull the plug. Oh, yeah at the gym. There's a guy who comes in jeans every day Oh By the way, you're only allowed to wear jeans to the gym if you just got off your 4 a.m. to 3 p.m. construction job and you have no time to get there. Like, you put in some serious man hours

or it looks like you've been wearing these pants for a week because you're 90 and if you take them off, you might die. But this guy comes to the gym and I swear to God, he looks at his legs to walk. Like, he goes, all right, left, then right. He does three laps and bounces. I'm like, if it ever looks like I have to tell my legs to move, I mean, if I'm mentally there, give me a wheelchair.

But, like, I guarantee you, if I'm mentally there, give me a wheelchair. But, like, I guarantee you if I'm going, like, gone. You want to hear the other one? If someone pushes me around, it might be time to, like, reconsider what's going on. I would abuse being in a wheelchair. Just, like, act like you're just super old. And then when they leave, you're just like, God damn, my back. It might hurt. Oh, okay.

Um, Ooh, I should ask him to ask you for a friend questions too. Right. Um, Oh, here's the other one. I once I was trying to, you know, I tried writing a book, um, like a, a cooking book for dummies. So I would go to, uh, during the lockdown, I i would like i'd find cooking books around the house and i think we overdo um cooking blogs and books like i don't care that your boyfriend loves this in the fall don't give me the whole rundown before you tell me how to make like chocolate chip cookies like i don't just give me the recipe so or like they'd have the most insane like utensils like you need like a forkinator

3000 to do this and like translation just get a big fork like so like or dutch oven most people don't know what that is just pot with lid um so i was gonna make like a cooking book for dummies kind of thing but i would go to barnes and nobles sometime to find other cookbooks, and there was this lady who was sitting across from me, and she had her glasses down on her nose and reading her phone. But to read her phone, I physically watched her head go up and down. So that's another one. If I have to move my head to read my phone, gone. Like she was like top top of the phone bar and it

was like it wasn't like I hated it it bothered me like you need to go like you're not contributing at all you're a Barnes and Nobles trying to read your phone crease the surplus how like is it, like, you go to a bookstore and then you just sit on your phone? Like, what's the point of the book? It's calming. What, your phone or the bookstore? No, just the bookstore. It's quiet.

I think the bookstore stresses me out. Too many books, Michael? Like, imagine actually reading one of those. Like, oh, damn it. 2,000 pages. pages gotta go down like i uh ma'am do you have any 200 page sections uh i'd like to take a look at those where's the pictures in under 50 i was trying to find clifford the big red dog books you know they're making a movie for that i saw that yeah and buzz i do i gotta find the list of of what to do. Pull the plug list.

I gotta rename it. I don't know, man. Arthritis is a big one for me. If I get arthritis, I might just call it. Say that again? Just call it. It's arthritis, not arthritis. Yeah, man.

Bye-bye. Tell you what. My edible is kicking in right now because i i'm crying oh oh fuck okay so my mouth is a little dry folks sorry about that now here's the perfect time to uh oh i forgot i have a massive cock. I want to tell the audience. Let me get under the hood here. By the way, my testicles have pubic hair as well, but I don't have a ball sack. It's just two loose testes with hair growing on them. So if your nuts look like this, I'm just letting you know that's wrong. Just letting you know.

Let me see. That's wrong. And go to the doctor. Yo, one is, like, it's dropped a lot more. You might want to get that checked out, dude. I heard that must be cancerous bro check that out Michael stop worrying about it it's not real I gotta take a break.

Oh, yeah. Okay, so I'm gonna ask you some questions. Told you this would be a good one. Told you. I'm gonna ask you some questions. I can't do it. Yeah. Uh-huh.

All right, here we go. Serious time. Oh, let me wipe the fucking tears out of my eyes. Okay, so these questions are called asking for a friend. So things I think we should know the answers to, but we really don't, and you're kind of afraid to ask it because it's like you asking what type A and type B meant and thinking it's blood type. Probably is too. So we'll give you a spectrum.

Okay, hit me. First one, where give you a spectrum. Okay. Hit me. First one. Where do you naturally find a hamster? What? Like, where do you find one in the wild? Because if I'm being honest with you, I think Petco just makes them. What the fuck? I thought this was a friend question.

No, no, no. It's called asking for a friend because it's questions that you feel like you shouldn't know the answers to, but no one does. That was what you started with? We could have started a lot slower than that one as an example. I think that's the most tame one I got. What? What are these other ones? Oh, my God.

This is more like a. I thought they were from, like, Africa. But, like, or a goldfish. Like, I don't know. I've a... I thought they were from Africa. Or a goldfish. I've never gone fishing in my neighbor's backyard. I've been like, oh, I caught a goldfish. Well, I think they're saltwater, aren't they? No, they're not saltwater because I fill my fish's tank at home with the sink water. That's saltwater.

That's actually a great question. Okay. I think Petco makes them. Goldfish? That and hamsters. Also, are hamsters and gerbil the same thing, or are they a little different? I think I knew the answer to this. I think one is like smaller.

So that's one end of the spectrum. One's smaller, isn't it? I think one's a lot smaller than a guinea pig or something like that. Do you have a guinea pig? No. That's not close. That's not even close. I've seen those in his backyard.

We know where those come from. Do you have a guinea pig? Not a bunny. Thank you for contributing. Okay. Okay. Okay, so that's one end of the spectrum. The other one is it's more sexual. So you ever watch a porn and you've seen a girl suck off a dildo?

No. Yes, you have. And sometimes it turns them on or turns the guy and have you ever heard of a guy eating out a pocket pussy like why do girls do that guys don't like how many girls have walked like if like you started eating out a pocket pussy your girl like yeah i really want you to fuck me now you'd be like get the fuck out of my house you freak wait at least did you use it first okay moving on um i mean no have you ever seen a gas station get refilled yes no i honestly have i swear i have in palm springs like a couple weeks ago i saw like the gas are, like, pumping down below. Yeah. Really? Okay. When you give a colorblind person those glasses, how do they know what color they're seeing?

Like, they've never seen red before. Like, how do they put them on? Like, that's red? Like, no, bitch. You've never seen that before. You've seen gray and green your entire fucking life i think it comes with like a little like a key so there's a key there's like a chart inside so you can see like a little circle and underneath green i hate that that's a good answer this is a good answer right yeah thank you um when they

made the first clock i didn't know what time it was like what if it's not 6 30 right i think they from the sun yeah but they just picked a minute i don't know i think it's off like the mayans or something like that they used to use the sun like sundials and stuff yeah but i think they just went off of that yeah but like when did we like introduce minutes then like they weren't like oh it's 622 when they looked up at the sun. Yeah, they used to be like, oh, looks like it's about to be nightfall. And it's like six hours away. Okay, we'll do this. Better set up camp.

Actually, this is for you guys. What did you guys drink before White Claws? I was just thinking about this. What did girls drink at house parties before... Shots. It took fat poles from Fleshman's. It was just Fleshman's and cheap beer. Yeah.

Yeah, cheap beer, shots, just rip shots. It's now just... I genuinely was thinking about that. I'm like, what did you drink? What did they drink before? Like, just shots. You know what's funny about that is I used like, what did you drink? What did they drink before? You know, what's funny about that is I used to see people like drink those things. And I was like, I was like, what a pussy, dude.

I need more drinks. Like what? I was like, what an absolute pussy. Like you're not drinking beer. Like, what the fuck is your deal? And then like, I gained like 40 pounds from beer. Oh my God. That might be a good time to switch. Yeah. I hate looking back at pictures of me.

Like, I'm happy with what I've done. But looking – there's a video that Connor sent me a long time ago of us at Country Thunder. Like, the infamous Country Thunder. Like, that one when I went to jail and you and I slept outside. Wait, you went to jail? i say jail yeah oh i meant the hospital um oh yeah uh and then you and i slept outside on like that big chair around um oh yeah so there's a picture of me shirtless just dumping a beer on my head, and I look sad and defeated. Dude, that's an oddish. It looked like if I ran, it would really hurt.

Didn't you guys come later, too? No, we came right on time. You came with me? Yeah. Yeah. My dick is bigger than this whole bottle. It's almost twice the size. I'm checking it out, bro.

Relax. You could see it over the chair. I can. Um, you know, it hurts. Where was I going with that? Poke someone's eye out.

Um, Oh yeah. You want more of those questions by the way? Hit me. Um, no fucking answer. What's the anal equivalent for a gay guy? The what?

The anal equivalent for a gay guy. Like, let me explain what's off limits, but like not really off limits, and you're afraid to ask for it, but you want to ask for it, and you hope you like it when you do ask for it, and they finally say yes because you know if you don't like it, they're just going to yell at you, but they also secretly want you to not like it so they don't have to do it again.

What's that for a gay guy? For political reasons, I'm not going to answer this question for political reasons is it like a liberal thing no i don't know you don't know the answer i just i don't want to i don't want to be on the cancel culture for that answer or a answer it's just that question giant penis costume we got canceled eight minutes into this no one's even seeing this part of the episode Hey man I'm just saying I don't know I don't wanna know

You wanna know? You wanna know the answer? I genuinely wanna know the answer Look it up Someone go look it up The anal equivalent for a gay guy Do you think that's just like Like if I google what's the definition of

It's just gonna pop up on google It's probably like their ear hole You know that's That's literally what I thought because it's like the first other hole um yeah nasal is like that's like the last thing you do nasal yeah i think your nose hole might be bigger than your ear hole maybe honestly i don't really want to find out don't care okay last one kind of serious why do we call pickles pickles we pickle so many other things pickled onions but a pickle is just is a pickled cucumber was that the first thing we pickled? So it just got the title pickle?

Or why does cucumbers get this special treatment? I have no idea. But what you just said sounded like that nursery rhyme. It's like Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. I'm glad this is where your head's at right now. You said like eight peas in a row. I've been talking a lot. I feel like I haven't shut up yet. I mean, you're doing great um i honestly i don't know the answer to that as well okay do you have any questions for me

um i don't know i'm trying to think of a fun story do you have any fun stories about us two yeah i'm sure there's oh we told the ultimate story already you going to jail do we do any other fun things together you and i are pretty good at taking pretty mundane tasks and turning it into like something your parents worry about well like i have one specific in mind but i think we might have mentioned it last time yeah we did the chairs we got asked to what sand chairs and stain them and we turned it into like a semi party in your garage till 3 a.m yeah remember hey remember when i fell down lambo field oh i can tell this one this is great dude that hurts so bad. It was like 18. That's the first time I ever saw you wasted, wasted. Yeah, I don't think I've ever like gotten like that wasted, wasted, like a blackout, but I'm still like able to get home.

Yeah. But I've never been like dizzy. Not to like, I hate talking about like how much we drank, like we sound like douchebags, but it was pretty concerning that in the two-hour bus ride up there, you and I put down I think a fifth of Jack Fire and like an 18-pack of beers. And then we had stuff waiting for us when we got there. We felt fine. It wasn't until right before we went in the game that all of a sudden it's just me my brother and his friend we're like where's sam like we'll leave some parts of this out um unless you want

to tell it yeah no we're good um and sam was too fucked up but a little drunk still on the bus and you come in i don't know a few songs into it sam tries to record the entire concert i mean the and at first he's like feeling it i think he's sobered up he's like what's up let's do this you're trying to buy my 17 year old brother at the time probably a beer um and this guy so you're into it you're recording it and you slowly just start to slump and then you're sitting down and i end up going behind you because i'm sick of you leaning on me and these two moms behind me like he's having the time of his life i'm like it looks like he's asleep so you got to the point where it's me behind us, my brother and his friend,

and you are sitting like this, head down, phone up like this. Still trying to record. But it's like upside down too. So you went from like here to here gradually. I'm pretty sure I threw up though. I'm still doing it. Yeah, this is my favorite part of this. But you threw up I'm still doing it I was like So yeah This is my favorite part Still trying to record

But you threw up You're recording And at one point You dropped your phone There was a video On your phone For a while Of

Kenny Chesney Phone It landed up And like out of a movie My brother and his friend Just go Right over the top That's right

You then stood up And fell down Ten flights of bleachers. Yeah, that hurts so bad. Actually, no, you fell down before that. You got there. Why did I think you calmed down? You went right down the bleachers. Yeah, I think, yeah.

Well, no, I think it was. I don't think you were in this bleachers for more than two minutes. No, because I think I was like, oh, like, who needs a beer? Who needs a beer? And so I was like, I'll get them. And I, like, went out, took, like, one step, and I stepped too far and just, like, down. Yeah, I think that was it. I'm going to check how long we've been doing this because I don't want to edit anything longer than.

Fuck. Look at me bent over with this just. Edit that part out. This is going to be the biggest blurred out spot yeah dude get your mugshot back on did you have it on at all no dude i can't show the public that i'll post your picture if you don't put it on just like flash it on there quick so i don't see that that would take editing i don't know how to do. I do the bare minimum for this. Sorry, folks. Yeah, I don't care about anyone. I'm running out of questions for you.

And we just told your story in about two minutes. I thought that'd take way longer. What story? The falling out of bleachers, dude. Where are you right now? I mean, yeah, I mean, like, a little spacey-spacey. Oh, yeah, dude do fucking gonzo i think that little laughing fit i had was like over the hump and now i'm okay i just feel comfortable right now that's good for you i don't want to get up no i could get up it's halloween yeah we sound so you. The whole time.

I'm nervous. What time do people get here? Like 9. Oh, Jesus Christ. What time is it? Only 645. It feels like midnight, dude. It feels so late.

We can end this soon. Did I ask you what you wanted to do before your next birthday? Last time. That's coming up, too. What? Oh, this is good. Did I ask you what you wanted to do before your next birthday? Last time? That's coming up too. What? Oh, this is good. Did you do it yet? And also, what was your answer?

No, I don't think you asked me that one. I thought you asked me what I want to accomplish. Yeah. What do you want to accomplish for your next birthday? Oh, you said you want a home. Yeah. Look at you now. Look at this fucking place.

I can't see anything. We'll give you a tour later. We probably won't. But nice it's not his but it's nice it's yours i feel feel great now started the new job since the last episode so i mean i love it oh i got a cool thing that happened the other day is um we're gonna start getting to like athletes and so beat you to it okay whatever but a d1 and a d2 lacrosse player beat that i'm sorry i don't watch that sport i watch it's a little rapey i watch normal sports thanks for coming yeah it's it's hard saying like you're a fan of lacrosse because it's also like yes i just know the water dogs from part of my take that's it that's the only name i can well everyone when you think of people say lacrosse half people who

like don't know or like oh duke lacrosse like listen we don't all rape women wow hey i just said we don't know it's just the duke team fuck duke i agree with you um there goes that audience i think i'm every episode i just kind of like pick one group. I'm like, I hope you never listen to this. Cut that. Cut that, please. What? Fuck Duke?

No, yeah. Anyway. Or the, yeah. It's cool. We're going into athletes and running events. It's tough right now just because I'm kind of building it on my own, like we said. But we're going to get there. We've got a pickleball tournament next month and then another charity tournament in December.

And then hopefully 2022 is a lot more. Question. Are there professional pickleball players? Yeah. There are? Is that a real sport? Yeah, dude. So the PPA, it's Professional Pickleball Association.

Yeah, dude. They have them all over. They have masters, all this stuff. Why are you fucking... That was the worst dad joke I think I've ever had on here. I feel like I'm just going to see you in a corner later. Oh, I'm so worried. I'm just going to casually be stroking you.

I feel like you're going to be mid-conversation with somebody. Honestly, just stroking your wiener for no reason at all. I'm touching myself but not touching myself. Also, I was stroking it earlier while you were getting your tattoos. Dude, this would take – you would get tired jerking off. That's a long distance to go. If you had this, are you more like I'll just shake it at the bottom or i'll shake it at top see i'm not concerned about that i'm concerned about everyday life like i'm just

concerned about like playing basketball like if i like back down some dude theoretically you should run faster it's a third fucking leg i mean it's not hitting you could post them real well no one's gonna stop that tripod i guess i'm saying they're just gonna let you pass like immediately or like like cyclists. You can't be a cyclist. You can't ride a bike. You can steer a bike. That would hurt.

That would hurt so bad. Like what else? You need special pants. UFC? Not a chance. You see how tight their pants are? Dude, you couldn't get a cup big enough. One kick.

That wouldn't stop your legs. One kick, you're out. Yeah, one kick, you're out. Did you wear a cup in sports? I never wore a cup in sports. I never wore a cup in sports. Never wore one. I can't believe I didn't wear one cup in sports? I never wore a cup in sports. I never wore a cup in sports. Never wore one. I can't believe I didn't wear one lacrosse.

I never got hit in the nuts, though. Never. And neither did I. Never got hit in the nuts. Oh, back to the deck. Are you more of a would you just shake it on top or the bottom? Or would you go middle? Or are you going to take the full?

Are you going to be tired in about 30 seconds? I think you're just sticking to the top. I think so, too. What's the point of going like? What's the point of staying at the bottom? Yeah. If you stick to the bottom, you're weird. Staring at you when you're trying to figure out what I would do.

Do you want me to put it up so you can see it better? No, I'm good. This blur spot just gets, like, bigger and bigger. I had something else I was going to ask you. I got to get away from my penis. I keep looking at it. I'm looking at the pubes, and I'm getting itchy. This is horrible podcasting because whoever listens to this on Spotify is going to hear this part and be like what the fuck is going on oh yeah you're

missing out if you're just listening to this you have to watch this one dude it hits my knees when i walk how do you pee in that thing dude can you pee out of it i should just poke a hole can you get between the nutsack because I could spread them. Oh, my God, dude. How sensitive do you think your nuts would be if you didn't have a ballsack? Like the slightest touch, you'd be like. Or like, I never wish this upon anyone, obviously,

but like what does one nut feel like? Danny Bartles? Well, he's got two. He's got a prosthetic. I think. That just fascinates me. Having one testicle? Or none? Would the test... If you had one testicle,

would it stay to the right or the left? Or do you think it would like gradually go to the middle? I would hope mine would gradually go to the middle. Also, would your nut sack form to that one? Like a Cyclops? Or would it just look baggy? I think it would form. I don't know.

Some alien shit. What if one nut... I want to know, but I also don't want someone to send me a picture of their ball sack with one nut in it. This is what this means. Thanks, guys. I'm subtly asking for nudes from dudes. What's it like getting a dick pic?

We are off the rails. Is it something you actually want to receive? Really? Depends? I think it would be no. What does it depend on? This is the most awkward conversation I've ever been a part of. So kids.

Have you ever asked for a dick pic? What Halloween candy do you like? King size Snickers. This is embrace the bait embrace the bait right now five top halloween candies go um they have to be in order no okay reese's peanut butter cups twix heath bar um yeah that'll throw you for a loop. Wow. I know. I saw you apparently like Almond Joy's now. No, no. Fucking racist. I'm going to that. I'm going to that.

Keep going. Okay. Heath, Twix, Reese's, Kit Kat. Okay. I don't... Skittles. Not Swedish Fish? No.

Because Swedish Fish, I oddly think, tastes better when they come in a giant bag versus that little bag. I always think the little ones in the little bag are, like, stale. They're, like, hard? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I agree with you on that. Like, the movie ones are not trash. Yeah, I think I'd have to go something sweet and say Skittles. No, Starburst.

Starburst over Skittles. Starburst. What color? Pink or yellow. That's a good solid choice. So, I was a pink and red guy yeah yeah anyway okay so going off of that so that that post i was like baffled by this so work with my buddy and last night he posts like the goat and it was reese's peterborough cups yeah and then i was like okay i, okay, I agree with that. Completely agree with that.

And then the next one was Baby Goat, and it was Almond Joy. And I'm like, you're a serial killer. I was like, you are a serial killer. And so I reposted. I was like, now I know why. Like, I have something on you. Because he always has something on me at work that, like, makes fun of me. So I have something on him.

Almond Joy. Come on, dude. That sucks. Come on. Sucks. I mean, if you really want candy, that's all that's left.

I even take a Mound Joy. You're not going to eat it. You're like, fuck, I'm just not eating candy today. It's like when a kid comes home and they dump it all down. The first to go,

first to go, Almond Joy. Oh, yeah. First to go. You first to go like mom do you want these yeah your mom always likes them your mom or your dad yeah i think one of them likes them like it loves them that's a parent thing you can't like almond joys and be under 30 there's a something i heard today where it was um how come more houses don't have sour patches? I mean, sorry, sour straws. Yeah. Sour straws were the goat, dude.

Those were really good. Those were so good. When you got one of those, you were like, oh, my God. That was like a movie theater thing for me. I don't know why I always got them when I went to the movies. Always got like the. Because you never saw them anywhere. It was like Halloween or you saw them at the movies.

It wasn't like I'm going out of my way to get sour straw yeah like a Kit Kat at the register wait so hold on what are your top five then and if you could have only one like all you got was one everyone Halloween candy strictly my only one I'd ask for Kit Kats yeah go Reese's for sure kit kat i like butterfingers oh forgot about those yeah i did like butterfingers i'll just throw that you gotta brush your teeth immediately yeah i know and then the worst was a huge uh sour skills fan even though it just ruins the top of your mouth. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

It burns. Ruins it. And then peanut butter M&M's. Oh, my God. See, that doesn't – I don't think that's like a common one. I mean, if you get the multi-pack, you get the big multi-pack, you got that. How about we do this then? M&M's are peanut butter – oh, peanut butter or peanut?

Peanut butter. The red one. Okay. The red box. Peanut M&M's are the best M&M's are peanut butter. Oh, peanut butter or peanut? Peanut butter. The red one. Okay. The red box. Peanut M&M's are the best M&M's, in my opinion. I got to be in the mood. No. Peanut M&M's are always good.

I kind of got to be in the mood. Honestly, like regular M&M's, I'm not a fan of. It's kind of tough to eat those. Yeah. They're almost too, like, because they're small, I think they would need to be squishy to be satisfying. Yeah. It's like too, like, because they're small, I think they would need to be squishy to be satisfying. Yeah. It's like eating rocks.

Remember Gobstoppers? I never liked them. I liked those. Wonder Balls. Did you ever get the Wonder Balls? Yeah, the Wonder Balls. Dude. Those were never Halloween candy, though.

I know, but those things would, like, ruin the side of your mouth because you would just have it in your mouth for so long. And it would just, like. Oh, no, that's not a Wonder Ball. That's a. Oh, Wonder Ball's that chocolate one that you crack open and it's got some fucking toy in it? No, it's got, like, little candies. I might have a toy in it or something like that. Something like that.

What am I talking about? Gobstoppers or Jawbreakers. Jawbreakers. Those are my favorite. They're, like, the size of your fucking fist. Dude, those sucked. I would have to... My dad would take, uh...

If we got, like, those giant ones. Because you always wanted one because it looked cool. The colors were tie-dye and shit like that. My dad would put it under a towel on the counter and take a mallet and just shatter it. So I had mini suckers. Like a psychopath, dude. My dad. Okay, wait.

There was one. I'm trying to think of the name of it. What was the one that was on like the paper Oh the dot The dot things It's literally paper candy Oh those were so bad It's all primary color

Remember you said that was in like elementary school Those things were so bad It's literally just sugar And food coloring Okay have you ever had red vines Yeah I'm a Twizzlers person I was going to say Embrace the bait Just to yeah i'm a twizzlers person yeah i was gonna say embrace the bait let's get people fired up twizzlers are twizzlers twizzlers twizzlers

is the correct answer pull and peel twizzlers or the mini bites the mini bites taste better than straws it would go bites straws pull and peel this is like throwing me back now i feel like i need to fire up my x 360 and throw in MW2. I bought a Switch so I could play Mario Kart. I was feeling it. God, you're a fairy. With a huge cock. If you got a big dick, you always have a chance, I think.

I'm not going back to this with you. We talked about too many dicks today. This is a dick- This keeps popping up. you. We talked about too many dicks today. This is a dick. This is a dick. Apparently this is a dick friendly podcast today. Yeah. Shout out to my dicks.

Yep. Um, where are we? We're at candies. What would be, what's like an odd one that like would show up sometimes that you like really liked or like not as common. I like York peppermint patties they i like them in the fridge though yeah i like those like you never really get those what about hot tamales i was

never a fan i liked them it tasted like big red gum you could eat them but you didn't eat your big red gum i'm afraid of like swallowing gum right from parents would be like it all form into a ball or something don't don't eat the seeds of the watermelon you'll grow a tree or yeah watermelon inside you why does that why did that start like was it bad to eat the seeds was it like a farming family like don't eat the seeds we need to fucking plant them no that might be it i'm just gonna agree with you we're getting a lot of answers to questions i didn't think i get answers to today i think you might be right we still don't know where hamster's from though fuck that i didn't think i would laugh as hard as i did like my face was wet it should just be

the cut just to be us just absolutely fucking crying the entire time. You think they can tell we're high? Well, now they can. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I think we just ended on that. Pretty good job hiding that. I'm not. Do you want to say anything before I end this?

I do. Have a happy, happy Halloween. Hey, say something nice about me. I asked Chad to do this on the last one. He laughed and said no. I like your penis. Let's not go back to the cock. Alright, we're done with this shit.

Let's drink.