Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.40 - Jack Sparrow & The Flash

Episode Date: December 9, 2021

Im going to be honest with you, this is the dumbest episode I have ever done. If you know us, this is going to be hysterical. If not, I apologize.

King Dad Joke Wait so you're just gonna be holding a bucket of sand? Well yeah I tried looking for another one I just have to This isn't bad I can do this Just put like a pillow over it Yeah Oh I don't fucking care Oh my god this is so fucking weird

Actually that's a good idea Jail Well this is gonna be the darkest episode I've ever done It's so fun This is going to be the darkest episode I've ever done. Sam's eating an Italian beef sandwich while we do this. Just let me know when you want to start, Sam. Yeah, we need to mute. I've got to edit all this out already.

We're getting copyrighted by the NFL. Can we mute the TV? Beep is flying. Leave it on, but just mute it. Can we put a – I can watch Alvin Cook rush for 300 years. Can someone go get my phone from the charger by the clock? I have a few questions I got to ask everyone. Okay.

This is going to be... We all look like... Besides Sam, who's in all red, we all look just like dark blobs. I'll send this to Calvin to edit it. Okay. Love you. Love you.

Good to see you. We're not in the middle of anything. Nice cheeks. Good to see you. Good to see you. Hi, guys. Good to see you. Good to see you, Dawn. Good to see you. Hi, guys. Nice to meet you. What podcast?

That's a great way to start. We've been going for a while now. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. We are. We're a minute 30. They saw me eat my beef. Oh, they definitely saw you eat your beef.

I'm going to put on music in the kitchen because it's painfully quiet. Okay, go for it. So you guys talk amongst yourselves. I can edit all this out. What music are you going to play? The Wiggles. Fruit salad on repeat for the next hour. I'd like to request Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater

Revival. I will respectfully deny that for the time being and I will put it on later. I just need some noise. Actually, I don't think I ever told you this. It is a bucket list thing for me. I want to jump out of a military plane to the song Fortunate Son. I want to fall backwards out of a military plane.

Out of a movie. A bucket list thing to do. That could be the way I die. Push me off. Like last, when we recorded with Sammy, if I'm a vegetable, just kick me out the plane. Just cut it off, yeah. I've been looking into buying an old, like, Huey from Vietnam era that I can strafe the Phoenix Valley and just give a bunch of old guys PTSD blasting that song. That's my bucket list item. We are cut from different cloths,

that's for sure. I'm losing my mind. I don't know how to do this right now. Kitchen? Where the fuck is the kitchen? By the way, how did you turn the whole house off last night? I clicked every button on his whole iPad. Hey, who's connected to the music?

Sam hit the breakers because he was drunk and wanted to turn it off. Yeah, you legit hit the breaker box last night. That's fine. I've never done that before. Do you have any recollection as to why you did that? Or were you just like, I'm over today? I guess I was trying to just be mature. I don't know.

Mature? You turned the whole house off. Cut the party off. Boom. It's like the equivalent. I'm leaving. No fun. If I'm going to bed, there's no fun for anyone else.

There's also no refrigeration, no power, no nothing. In your Flash costume, two Italian beef steep. I didn't know that going into it. Hey, also, what's your thing against hot dogs, man? Portillo's is known for their hot dogs. I don't know, man. Hot dogs are gross. I have personally watched you put down six in a matter of six innings at a baseball game before.

Yeah, because I woke up feeling dangerous. Duh. But they're gross. I would never do that. I don't, like, do that on a normal basis. Be like, oh, man, you know what I'm really feeling right now? Even if it's not on a normal basis, six isn't normal for anything. I was trying to go a hot dog an inning.

He killed it. Also, it was that i think the marlins uh park is it's just my spark is the cheapest food i've ever seen for a baseball game it was there like one two three menu like one dollar two dollar three dollars we got paid 20 bucks to go into a game once when we were down there we basically got paid to go to a baseball game. They gave you like a $25 voucher for food. And Sam got six hot dogs with it. It's not even close. There's even a trash can over there.

Made it. Arrested the next day for public intoxication. No, that was before that. The gun is already out. Fuck. Oh, God, dude. I'm going to have a panic attack you might have PTSD after this episode what were these questions you wanna ask us

well I'm gonna ask him cause we're supposed to do a solo one with him but you have to be in it I guess well I can fucking leave I'm kidding so we're gonna ask him basically the questions I asked you. But can someone first find out who's connected to the kitchen speakers?

Because I don't like how quiet it is right now. We should have it. We should say it in sync. Our answers. You are. This is just going to be you guys not talking. Just going to sit and watch football and drink a beer. Just an hour-long episode.

It will be a special edit of this. You don't talk the whole time. We just won't address that Captain Jack Sparrow. I just sit here and look stoic. Okay, so feel free to play along, guys. This was filmed in front of a live studio audience, by the way. The laugh tracks are real. free to play along guys um this was filmed in front of a live studio audience by the way the laugh tracks are real um so i'm gonna ask you how many questions like 40 questions wow okay i'm not

prepared for that but i'll give it my best go as long as you like understand all the questions you're gonna do better than sam did yesterday well yeah that's a no-brainer and i here's the thing i want to ask you are you on the phone in the middle of this no way yeah dude that's so the worst guest in the history of podcast he's faking this for sure he's not all right well i can't wait to hear this who are you on the phone he's definitely on the phone like oh my god You're kidding me. Yeah.

We're still chilling here. Oh, God. I wouldn't watch this. I am not. Would you like to share for the audience? No. All right. So I'm going to ask you questions to find your ideal.

Are you dating anyone? Actually, though, Bellville's flight got canceled. He's coming back. Actually? Yeah. He's literally on an Uber right here right now. Painful. All right, so we're going to find your ideal lady or man.

I'm not sure how you're swinging in that costume, but when I ask you these either or questions, you just need to respond as quickly as possible. No both. Just either or. Okay, I'm ready. Okay, I got to find it on my

thing out here. Ideal person. You ready to go? Yep. Again, someone figure out who is connected to the kitchen speaker. Give me your best shot. Missed me, bitch. Blonde or brunette? Blonde. Taller or shorter than you? Shorter.

More or less money? Less. Smarter or dumber than you? Dumber. Small town, big town? Small town. Country or city? They act more country or they act more city? City. Okay.

Go out or stay in? Go out. Ass or tits? Ass. White collar or blue collar? White collar. Tattoos, no tattoos? Tattoos are fine.

Travel or homebody? Travel. Foreign or domestic? Dom domestic uh turn it down a bit no foreigns so racist coming from the man dressed as the guy who's in international waters at all okay um i got three real pirate tattoos Do you really? They're not real like Sam's real ones? No they're real There's a Jolly Roger on my back Okay we're gonna continue

Are they frugal or generous with their money? Generous Music preference, pick one genre Country West coast, east coast, midwest Midwest More or less athletic than you? More.

Totally. I'm the worst. Only child or large family? Since you're an athlete. Large family. More or less social than you? It would be literally impossible to be more, so less. I'd also be concerned.

Wow. Big dick over here. alcohol or weed alcohol pc or mac pc reality tv or sitcoms sitcom reality tv's whack comedy or romance comedy favorite holiday christmas at this point and we're doing with Sam, we had like nine tangents. Sam could barely answer a question. I got this down, baby. I'm quick. Well, you're answering the way you're supposed to.

I thought about it a lot. More or less horny than you? That's tough. More. Really? That's what I said, too. I would say it is. What would you say? I would say less is. What would you say?

I would say less. You need some guideline, some structure. Otherwise, it's just you're humping like bunnies, and then you're doubling your risk again. I want her ready to pounce on me all the time. She just grabs you by the wiener, and you're just like, nice. But what if you're not having a good dick day? What if that's every day, and your dick soars the day before, and you're like having a good dick day?

That's a lot of gas station boner pills. That sounds weak. Nothing better than a right now gas station boner pill. You got to build up that stamina, boy. Jail. Weak. Are you talking to anyone? Yeah.

I'm talking to Clay. Himself. That's what it is. Okay. Fucking chill out, dude. Where did I leave off? Oh, more or less horny. Yeah.

Beer or seltzer? For the girl? Yes. Seltzer. Okay. Beer for me. Tequila. That wasn't that.

Vegas or Cherry Bomb? There is a right answer. What did you ask? Vegas or Cherry Bomb? Vegas. Thank God. Good job. Rooftop or hole-in-the-wall bar?

Where does she want to go? Hole-in-the-wall bar. Kids or no kids? Kids. Tell us a waiter or shuts up and eats it? Shuts up and eats it. Funnier than you or not? Wait, when you say kids, does that mean she already has kids?

What are you saying? When you say kids, does that mean she already has kids? No, does she want kids? Yeah. kids yeah either oh the ones good for me I feel like that's what everyone as I definitely thought that when you ask like oh I'm walking into well when you ask me when you asked me this yesterday I definitely thought like she already had kids actually only interested I was like nah have kids no I don't hurt her to have kids Sam Sam, you were terrible at this game. Yo, this game fucking sucks. I like it. It's very confusing.

No, it's not. It's like literally one or the other. If she already has kids, though, I can come out and eat the kids' fruit snacks. Sorry, wait, what? What are you talking about? Okay, we're gonna keep going. I need to end this already.

I regret doing this. What are you talking about, dude? Older or younger than you? Younger. Dogs or cats? Dogs. Cooks or cleans? Cleans. Salty or sweet? Salty. Books or movies?

Movies. Pancakes, waffles? Waffles. Books or movies? Movies. Pancakes, waffles? Waffles. Coffee, tea? Tea. Famous or a nobody? A nobody. Wait, tea.

I drink tea every day. Do you guys share your money or do you have your own money? Do you share your money with the love of your life or do you have your own money? In what regard? So I have $100, she has $100, or we have $200. Own money. Yeah, wait, can you repeat that? No.

Soft smile, big smile? Big smile. Religious, non-religious no preference uh conservative or liberal is that a fucking joke of a question not liberal liberal um can you elaborate on that i have a deep-rooted hatred for all liberals out there so What camera are you looking at? All of them. Like, you're in that one. There's three cameras, but actually there's only one pointed at me.

Naughty or nice? Naughty. DC or Marvel? Marvel. Don't shake your head. Why was that a confusing question? I'd have to think about it. I feel like blood type would be...

Type A or type B? I'm pretty sure I'm... Type A. Oh, good lord. I have no idea what that means. Where was I? A small wedding? A big wedding? Are air airing the episode with sam before this one so everyone's gonna know oh yeah everyone didn't understand what that meant yeah no they'll know

and that's gonna be an ongoing joke for years to come i'm fine with that um were you friends first or not yes did i ask small wedding big Big wedding. Okay. Are they a true fan of their sports teams, or do they just hop on your bandwagon? True fan. Okay. Well-dressed or a bum? Obviously well-dressed. High or low body count?

High body count, high experience, low body count, low experience. There's negatives and positives to both but i'm gonna go with high and high experience okay um you're 15 minutes from the bar is she suggesting you walk or uber home it's a 15 minute drive yeah so like an hour walk? No, it's a 15-minute walk. Oh, we Uber in. Okay. Spicy or mild food? Spicy.

You're getting takeout. Is it Mexican or Asian? Asian. Beach or mountains? Can we do both? Can we, like, turn down, drop them out? This is literally the reason my whole fraternity got kicked off the campus. This is actually a great anthem to play for this podcast.

Daddy's girl or not. Yes. Is she better looking than you? Impossible. I see these in fake dress. Bro. Literally all I got. You're a solid four, so relax.

Take it easy, man. You don't hurt my feelings. The last five minutes, the audio on this is going to be us two asking questions and you having a conversation with two people they can't even see on the camera right now. Man, I just didn't want to disrupt your guys' little questionnaire going on. I'm getting through these questions. Well, you're not disrupting us, but when it comes, we're done now. That's all I prepared.

I will do the asking for. You know what's funny about that test that you gave me yesterday, too, is like. It wasn't a test. You didn't. Like, there isn't, there isn't, like, a right and wrong. There's definitely a right and wrong answer to some of those questions. Yeah, but, like, you didn't tell me my results. So, like, I just.

It's like we said this last time. I don't have a girl that comes out after this. I mean, like, you didn't tell didn't tell me what I got, though. Based on your answer, she is Tiffany. Yeah, exactly. You didn't give me any results. What am I supposed to be looking for? Yeah, what am I supposed to be looking for out there?

Sam, what would be your go-to pickup line right now? I don't know if you've seen that one. They got it on Instagram. instagram girl are you building question mark jesse says what he just sends a thumbs up that would be sam but in person are you building oh my god i gotta tell do you want to know the worst pick-up line I've ever heard? I really hope you would never do that in your life. This is the dumbest episode I've ever done. I don't think we should air this. So do you want to hear the worst pick-up line I've ever heard? You want to fuck?

Look at the way he's holding his mic. The guy's like, you want to hear the worst pickup line I've ever heard? You want to fuck? Look at the way he's holding his mic. He's like, you want to fuck? The girl's like, not if you ask me like that. He goes, well, you want to fuck? I could see him doing that one. Actually, I see Sam more doing something just like. That shit's fucking hilarious. Like, no words, just...

Well, are we? Is it happening? Sam, do you remember the Fernandez pickup line? The one he did in high school? He went up to... Oh, sorry, Fernandez. I won't use your first name. But he went up to uh oh sorry fernandez i won't use your first name but he went up to uh he went up to a girl and he goes so is provolone a meat or a cheese and that was his conversation

started he didn't know if provolone cheese was a meat or cheese and thought that was that's gonna get her i do think it's better than Yeah, it doesn't make sense. I said it's the worst thing I've heard. Was he actually asking? Yeah. I think so. Because he actually didn't know? He went through the Naval Academy. And doesn't know

the difference between meat and cheese? No, he does now, but I think I mean, if you cut the cheese really thin, it'd probably pass. We're going to disregard Sam's comment there. It's like super thin. Sam, can you go put on your mask for the rest of this episode?

Well, I can't find the mask. I think we need to clarify that we're filming this on Sunday night after a long weekend, and we have about two brain cells left total between the three of us. Sam, maybe less. Definitely less. What are you looking at, dude?

This is like the worst episode I think I've ever filmed and I love it. I thought I had a drink. I fucking love it. I'll have a drink over there. Could I ask one of you guys for a beer? Is that a real sword? That would be wonderful.

Thank you. Is that a real sword? It is a real sword. Yeah, why did you bring the sword? Where'd you get a real sword? So I don't actually know. I'd love a beer. Okay.

Thank you. We have waitstaff. Yeah, I don't have anyone that looks anything out. I just, someone gets his drinks the whole time. Yo, it's so funny. I got this sword in high school. My reaction time is terrible. I heard it here.

I was like, oh, shit. Sorry. We got like nine conversations going on. Sword, explain. I don't know. I traded somebody for it. And I don't remember what I traded, but I got a real sword out of it. You don't know what you traded someone for a real sword? I don't remember, I traded, but I got a real sword out of it.

You don't know what you traded someone for a real sword? I don't remember, but it was obviously worth it because I don't remember what I traded. You traded some guy for a fucking pirate sword. I think I saw it and I was like, I got half it, man. I'm willing to trade whatever. What were you so willing to give up? You're like, I need it. That's the thing. The fact that I can't remember what I traded means it probably wasn't very important.

It's true. I'll give you two barrels of hay, some barley, and one wife for your sword. Two goats and some fine silk. Do you want beer or do you want milk? Oh, my God. I will absolutely take one of those. To be honest, I'll do it all. We'll do shots in a bit.

I think we should do a lot of shots. We should do shots, yeah. We were high as balls last time we did this. I think I still am a little high. I'm slumped. We gotta get these Dalvin Cook yards. Oh, I need to open that? Yeah. I can't reach very far with this You want to just toss it to me?

This will be the one I break my tooth on You're going to break your tooth on live stream Anything for my listeners I'm so not willing to put my teeth on You can come to the cameras, dude. I don't care. I mean, you've watched this episode already. This is...

So for the next 30 minutes, we're just going to do ASMR dressed as The Flash and... Is it a copyright infringement if I do a Stella ad? No, the only time I've ever been flagged is I played someone's music too loud in the back of the episode and they're like you're playing it was a guy find off Instagram like you're playing Warren's Eaters oh I've seen that guy doing all those covers all over Instagram like that I'm like fuck you man I'm getting a little more exposure yeah you've moved

from Instagram to YouTube and like an extra four people watched it but yeah that's the only time i'm gonna fly tiktok is taking me down a few times for child endangerment and um inappropriate language you are pretty predatory yeah i look so scary coming from the from the pirate. With a real sword. A real sword. Dude, there was a real gun here today. This morning I told Riley he looked a little rapey. Yeah, I didn't like that one. You can make a lot of comments, but that's a little much. Dude, you're in a t-shirt and a fucking...

Did you turn the music up? No. Can you turn it down like a notch? Just humor me. Do it in a flash, man. Relax, dude. We were supposed to see Tom Hardy. Or Hardy. Not Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy? No, me. Do it in a flash, man. Relax, dude. We were supposed to see Tom Hardy, not Tom Hardy.

Tom Hardy? The guy singing the song. Country Thunder last weekend, and we left that day right before. It's a huge bummer. I was upset. You should have come down for Country Thunder. I thought. I was jealous. I forgot where I was. I think I was in Madison.

I was in Madison that weekend. Wow, the Astros tied the game. Welcome back to the ADD podcast. I thought. I was jealous. I forgot where I was. I think I was in Madison. I was in Madison that weekend. Wow, the Astros tied the game. Welcome back to the ADD podcast where nothing makes fucking sense. Talking about our weekends. That's crazy. Who won the game? It was tied.

Astros tied. I swear to God, like 20 minutes ago, he goes, wow, the Braves won the game. No, I know. Braves were up four zip. Now it's tied. Okay. So as I was saying, I have no fucking clue anymore. What were we talking about? Oh, Midland.

Midland. Madison. The Rave. Every once in a while sends you free tickets to shit. And usually I just toss the envelope away. I'm like, I don't know anyone coming to town. Opened it the day before I came. Four free tickets

to midland i was like if i wouldn't have been here i would have gone in a heartbeat that would have been like my halloween weekend i was like the one time you sent me something cool my parents were there otherwise it's like i've gotten free tickets like carly ray jeffson i'm not going to go on like friday the songbird of our generation do you think she can she perform that song no if it's not friday i mean like a concert like friday it's saturday bitch what she's not wait she does call me maybe becca black yeah our that's who i got i don't know why is it carly red jefferson but yeah no rebecca black call me maybe friday call me close. That was my high school anthem.

Call Me Maybe or Friday? That's like the music video where she's also doing this. Yo, you would be the guy to definitely just walk through the halls blasting on their phone on a Friday. It's Friday.

Pretty on brand for me. Yeah. Hey, Sam. I said turn it down, not change the song. Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack. Dude. Are you fucking deaf? Do you think people like that they're now known as Guardians of the Galaxy

when they think this song, they don't think? Is that good? One more? You're good. Thank you. This is so hard to ask. I don't want to get red flag I'm sorry well for your bread flag last night we sure will yeah I know that well if I have the music I grew loud I have to do it was like some weird my first time it happened like do you want to like try this new beta thing to just get rid of that noise?

I'm like, great sword handling. Yeah, thank you. Just an unsheathed sword laying on the ground. That's a sheath? Yeah. Where is it? You guys are uncomfortably quiet over there. This is like really bothering me.

Do you guys have any questions before you can talk I don't care this is about as long as the dick that was on my costume yesterday oh well I'm putting it back on for you let's not like point it at me oh my god okay before gets here, the dumbest kid I've ever met in my life is... Nick Belville. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. And you're nice, but...

It's Bick Nelville. No, it's Nick. He was... Well, you said his seatbelts make belts out of seatbelts because he's never seen a seatbelt get old. Seatbelts make belts out of seatbelts because he's never seen a seatbelt get old That was his billion dollar Shark-tank idea and so I was like biting my lip. I was like I can't even talk to you right now

Because yeah, I just have these random thoughts and I put them down like maybe don't put all of them down Maybe don't say this one out loud. Yeah, you don't need to tell us all your thoughts. So maybe I should recently just tell me something like that. They were like, yeah, I like to have chicken noodle soup every single night or something like that. I was like, well, that's like, I'm going to go sharing that with people. It's a weird diet. It's just a little normal. You switch it up. You're like tomatoes one night or like potato.

Childish palate. I get like you can have those dumb thoughts and when you're dreaming, you think it's like the smartest thing in the world. Like I've had one. But you just like once you say it out loud, you just don't tell it to anyone else because it makes no sense. Yeah. Like don't go around saying like this is actually a good idea.

Like I once woke up on the way to a Packer game. i was sleeping like drunk from the night before and i woke up i was like i have a great idea and before i said it i go i'm not gonna tell you anymore because it's dumb i just said it in my head he goes you have to tell me i go matching swimsuits that was my genius idea that's the level of like i'm gonna make belts out of seatbelts. Wow. This is like talking to a fucking wall. This is a super gay story. Can you sit up? We may be having a rough day.

Sam's day is ten times rougher. I feel like my day is way better than your day. Sam said before we did this, too. Sam said before we did this, he. Sam said before we did this, he's like, I want more energy. I don't know if I should get, you know. And I was like, oh. He's got a flash costume. I think you have less energy than yesterday.

I am speed. That's all you need to know. Ka-chow! Okay, so we just asked him to ask him for a friend question. I really hope this is picked up. This is uncomfortable to hold. Okay, so... These questions for me again?

Yeah, and you guys... I'll do it with you. Clay, because you didn't hear these, feel free to chime in. So basically these are questions that you think you should know the answer to. Favorite dinosaur. Velociraptor. Favorite dinosaur.

Velociraptor. Think you should know the answer to, but you don't really want to ask. So like there's a spectrum to this, and it'll be like first one. Where do you naturally find a hamster? My pantry. What did you say? This is a dark, disturbing... It's kind of like a guinea pig.

It's like the number one dish of like Peru. They just eat guinea pig. This is what I don't want is actual hamsters. You said you'd eat it? I'd eat a hamster I'd eat pretty much anything Wow dude this got dark Even with the COVID pandemic

I'd probably eat a bat Okay Ozzy Fucking relax bro Wait what move What move No that was Jack Black And Tropic Thunder CDC's gonna take that

I stole my jelly beans He eats the bats What was your actual question? Wait, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. No, that was Jack Black in Tropic Thunder. CDC is going to take that. I stole my jelly beans. He eats the bats. What was your actual question? I didn't even hear it. Where do you find a hamster? Where do you naturally find a hamster? Or like, where do you naturally find a goldfish? At the pet store.

Yeah, so my theory is right. There's no goldfish in the ocean. Have you ever like gone and got Garibaldi. And just saw a natural goldfish. Ever. Dude, I know. I feel like. You've ever seen a natural goldfish.

Or a natural hamster. No. They may. They may breed them. I feel like. And they're not naturally occurring. I could be totally talking out of my ass. Fucking Costa Rica.

You are talking out of your ass. No, those are those big rodents with the big teeth. The capybara. Those are everywhere in Costa Rica. Pokemon terms. What are you talking about? The goldfish would be like

the rarest Pokemon to find. Like if you like fishing. You know how you used to fish in that game? No, I'm saying like it would be like this is a cancer You would never find a goldfish though like if you did though that'd be like the biggest like a small mouse okay Hold on what you just showed me is just like picture of a hamster on a hand there is it like a guy's hand of a hamster on a hand. It's like a guy's hand.

I'm serious, though. That would be like me taking a picture of this seltzer. Look, it's a Costa Rican seltzer. Nothing proves that it's from Costa Rica. It's definitely a beer. This shows on Google. Is that smart? I hope not.

You Google yourself after this. This will pop up. Hooray. This will pop up. You can already Google it. Hooray. Okay, next one. Google me. Why is it semi-attractive to people when girls suck on dildos? Because I've never heard of a guy eating out of pocket pussy.

Never once in my life have I been in any way aroused by a girl sucking on a dildo I didn't say you were But you know that it happens I feel like I would choose to not think about that If you saw that But I'm making you think about it That thing's dirty

Oh actually I want to ask this too How would you describe to this Like mimic Sam I don't know what you're saying right now No I'm serious But if you just saw that at the the library? Like a guy just like, you know what? I'm bored. I'm gonna lick this pocket pussy. Like, like just

like, uh, yeah, it's fucking midnight snack, little fucking dildo. Jail. Jail. Um, so Sam and I couldn't describe this, but how would you describe what your dick feels like when you're having sex to a girl? Jail. Does not feel like jail. Jail. It does not feel like jail.

Jail. Some people it might. But how would you describe that feeling? You look like you have bad, like, acid reflex. Thor swinging his mighty hammer. Whatever it's called. Like, that'd be your best description. Like, a life or death situation.

That's what it's like for me. Oh, my God. Is that like a light breeze? I don't know. I don't know how to answer that question. What were the other ones? I really don't want to open my phone again. Oh, yeah.

What's the anal equivalent for a gay guy? Shit. Like, what's... Earlobe. That's what I fucking said. I don't even need to do the explanation. We're just going to leave it at earlobe. Anal's is it we had an hour yet this needs to end wow yeah probably like 15 minutes 15 minutes too much um why do we call pickles pickles well it's a pickled item i get it but so why is it not like pickled cucumber yeah i'm just

calling it pickled? Yeah, because we pickle so many other things. Like, is cucumber that special? Was it the first thing we pickled? It was probably the first thing that they pickled and they just went with the name. I mean, I'd have to Google that. Also, how do they come up with the name pickle?

How do they come up with the name pickle? You know, I can do some research. So I can do some research into this and circle back. Please don't, because I really don't care. It's kind of fun when no one knows the answers. I'm giving you bullshit. Definitely going to be looking up shit for an hour and a half. When they give a color...

You had a good answer for this, but when they give a colorblind person those special glasses, how do they actually know what color they're looking at? They're probably lined. They've never seen those colors before. How do they be like, that's red? You've seen green and blue your whole life. I mean, people can describe colors,

but if they've never seen them, you wouldn't really understand the description. Yeah, describe blue to me. All right, point me. It's very warm. Not red. Makes my heart tingle. I feel like I can hear the color red. No, there is like a weird music.

I imagine somebody just screaming. That's the color red. I think I'm going to picture you now with the color red. I pictured this outfit. Screaming fast. Ka-chow. Ka-chow. Sam, how many words do you think you've said in this episode?

Like over, under, 50? English words, four. I think half of them are ka-chow. Ka-chow. I fog on the middle of this. Sorry. Ka-chigga. Ka-chow. Fuck, I'm in the middle of this. Ka-chigga. I mean, I've said like maybe I think like 50 words.

We need something to talk about. We did not prep this at all. Did I have any other good asking for a friend yesterday? Nah, dude. I described the anal question way better to Sam. You answer things so much quicker than Sam Like I profited off of Sam's fucking lack of intelligence

That's because Sam has the mind of a small child Or I'm just intelligent as shit That's not I think about things a lot Whatever Just because you think about things a lot Doesn't mean you're intelligent. You can think poorly.

Yeah, that's true. The seatbelt was your idea? That was the tipping point for me. I was like, I need to get away from him. It's not mine, dude. I don't have any idea. I've definitely seen seatbelts get old. What's your Shark Tank idea?

These. Don't. I don't have a single shark tank idea these nuts well let's be honest no none of us here look like we're gonna go do some shark tank idea um they would not accept me on that show i wanted to dress like this. I did poor planning for you, but I wanted to your close friends Instagram story. I wanted to screenshot a lot of the posts you have. There's a very appropriate thing. Yeah.

And bring them up on very dark memes and me getting drunk and teaching people how to cook. Yeah. Drunk cooking with Weiss. Those are good. I haven't done one in a while. I want to do one soon and bring a bunch of friends on and have a bunch of people in it. Those are pretty fun. I want to ask you, what the fuck is that?

What is your favorite conspiracy you're buying into right now? And I want to know why. Epstein didn't kill himself isn't a conspiracy he definitely did not the Clintons did it Hillary Clinton is a lizard that's up there that's up there

I hope the Clintons see this let's see there's definitely been aliens here and the government's covering it up. I don't trust the government at all. Really? 100%. You don't say.

Let's see. I don't know if I really buy into the Bush did 9-11 thing. Jet fuel does not melt steel beams, but I'm not sure if the United States government was directly involved in it or not. Now watch this drive. Bush is an icon. What is one you want? Okay, what is one you want? Like a weird one that you would like to be true.

Conspiracy, fairy tale, like Bigfoot, aliens. Like you are really. Yo, leprechauns is that a conspiracy theory no i guess it didn't say fairy tale yeah leprechauns would be sick leprechauns are probably real yeah they show you where like pots of gold are you catch one take you to like gold my brother and i got ringside seats to go see midget wrestling in Tucson next week one has Gold is not that's like leprechauns kind of yeah $40 for ringside seats to it's called dwarf mania or something like that and it's all

Midget wrestling it's all different set. They call themselves dwarves I know there's there's supposedly a difference between dwarves and like in the movie. This is such a rough conversation. It's different size guys and we paid $40 for ringside seats and we get a meet and greet with all of them. I'll get a picture and I'll send it to you. You can put it up on the podcast. Hey, when is this? You want to come?

When is it? In Tucson, Tuesday, November 9th. We're going to Dwarf Mania. This is not a real thing. Someone look this up on their phone. I swear to God. That's like a week from Tuesday. I can get my brother to send the...

We got like the sheet that's like the ad for it. Of all the things in the world that have been canceled, how is this not one of them? Couldn't tell you. I have a better chance of getting canceled for my costume, I think, than that. I'm appropriating pirate culture with this. I'm appropriating men with giant penises. Nope, nope, nope.

We're not going to... As part of that society, I'm not offended. Don't worry. You're definitely not. No, uh-uh. That's a bad one. Oh, no. What's bad?

The micropenis is rough. What? You were literally a rapist last night. What? You dress up as a rapist. For the sake of this being on the internet, we're going to pretend Sam didn't just say what he said. I was not a rapist last night.

That is so far from true. I wish you were wearing that costume. That was pretty close, bro. I was just, I got sick of wearing the trench coat. You were a flasher and then you got rid of the trench coat? By the time I saw you, it was just naked guy. By the time I was just naked guy with large guy. You were naked

like 90% of the time last night. I know. It was nice. It's like a stuffed animal like 15 inch penis. So many people touched my penis last night. So many. Nice. Sounds like a successful Saturday night. Hi.

Nice cock. In unison. Nice, bro. Tom and Dom are over here. Jesus Christ. Three quarters of it. I'm getting drunk. Oh, yeah.

I'll take shots. I wish we had shooters. A little fireball shooter. Yeah. Shooters sound pretty fire right now. What's your take on Ellen DeGeneres? Probably also a lizard like Hillary Clinton. You've seen all the stuff that came out.

It turns out she's like a huge bitch in real life. Okay. I never really liked her anyway, so I'm okay with that. Here's the thing though, like... You don't even know her. Who fucking cares? You're allowed to be... Oh my God.

Look at the way she's like coming up like... The Tito's would be nice. Like bottle service. Bottle service? Would you like this half-drinking, warm, new Amsterdam pineapple flavor? Her job is to act like it's a nice person. Who gives a fuck if she's like a little mean. Showing it off like a fine wine at a steakhouse.

The person that has to deal with people all day, every day, isn't a little upset every once in a while? Well, they do sell really expensive cabinets. Pizzagate? That's a conspiracy I believe in. I covered that once on here. Braxton explained to me, but it's basically what? Like celebrities drinking child blood? No, that's entirely different.

Pizzagate was like... They basically outed all these big famous people in a bunch of different... Like a chain of pizza companies that were running a child sex trafficking ring. The whole thing was a front behind like some big pizza company somewhere. That's definitely real. I definitely also believe that Hollywood people are drinking children's blood.

Not even a conspiracy theory. No. I'd eat a bat, but I wouldn't drink a kid's blood. No, I'm not a cannibal. Well, you're not eating them, you're drinking them. Like, what? Do you think that's the secret, how they all stay young? I mean, like, if it was, like, for survival, I might.

Well, she's a lizard. Do you guys remember when she was running across and she, like, fell down walking out of her apartment and they had to, like, fucking cheer her up with shit well she's a lizard do you see that photo where they're like they took her into an average American home and she's standing there like bewildered

at what it looks like someone edited it it's like I'm Chris Hansen and welcome to to catch a bird i'm just letting you guys roll there was a good like minute where he was talking not even doing i think that was a story about child blood and i was like where's this going right now well that's a conspiracy

theory also that hollywood like hollywood people and big business elitists and they're all drinking. Sneaky hammered tonight. Kids. Like, what's his, what's, who's Ant-Man? Lizards. Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd must be dead. I think Joe Biden will probably be dead in like a month. That's probably going to get me flagged as well. That dude's not even operational. That man's a puppet right now.

A hundred percent. Do you think he actually got the booster? Or did they just like inject saline or water into him? Yeah, man, that's probably just water. No, I mean, no way he got an actual vaccine on live television. Yeah, they gave him Michael's secret stuff. Hey, how much money did your buddy lose today? Which one? Oh, Mars? So bad. Hey. You're clean. Hey, how much money did your buddy lose today?

Which one? Oh, Mars? These kids are all degenerate gamers. Ted, yeah. A cowboy. Ted was like down like $5,000. I think they lost all their parlays. No, he was down like... He was down like $11,000.

Yeah. Oh. I saw four bets. None of them were like cheaper than $2.50. These kids put like $500 on a parlay, and then they do like eight parlays in a day and they lose them all. I've never bet more than like $20 in my life. I don't bet.

No, I'm not a gambler at all. That's the one message I don't have. I think I had this conversation last night. I think I got lucky that I bet so poorly to begin with that I didn't get the bug. I didn't have early on a big win, so there's nothing. No part of me is like, I could do it again. I've only lost and I don't want to do on like a big win So there's nothing No part of me is like I could do it again

I've only lost and I don't want to do it at all It's fun But it's like I'm not willing to Sacrifice money I earn For the chance of maybe Winning something I'd rather spend my money on other things People betting though like the

Toupeet had a... Toupet over here. Holy fuck. Oh, yikes. Toupet over here. Just stop. He's not going to listen to this. At least this far into the episode. I won't even listen to this. Yeah. And I into the episode. I won't even listen to this.

Yeah. And I'm in it. I don't listen to these until I start to re-edit them. I don't even give myself a free view. I'm like, fuck it. Post it. I don't want to watch this again. I don't want to watch it.

I'm not watching. This dumpster fire. I might pay someone to edit this one because I don't want to watch this one. Do you have any more beef? Do you have any more beef? Sam bought seven or eight Italian beef sandwiches. I'm going to eat one of those too. Do you want any more beef? You bought beef? Sam bought seven or eight Italian beef sandwiches. I'm going to eat one of those too. Do you want to share one?

We can lady in the trumpet. Yeah, I love that, yeah. A beef? Give him a soggy bun and some beef. But what I was saying is I watched a gentleman over here win $600. I just won $600 because Kamara scored a touchdown. And 10 minutes later, he goes, I'm down $1,000 now.

That sounds like the worst day ever. If I made $600, I'd be on top of the world. Yeah. That's fair. If I won $600, I'd be having the fucking best night of my life. We're going to the bar, baby. Jail.

Some good beef. I'm having a full ASMR. Is him chewing. It's been an hour of him just chewing. Do you want to move oh that's pretty fucking good this is a gluttonous is it is it really your fourth it's not

it's your third beef that's my third third third fourth yeah yeah dude relax i had one bite and i'm full i just want some beef dude i haven't eaten all day dude you should have tried the hot dog you had a full burrito and two bloodies you ate that hot you ate that hot dog dry yeah you didn't eat all day. You've had 2,000 calories already. I had like two Starbursts.

Two Starbursts. There might be two Starbursts left. We don't want to talk about it. We got to get something going here. Am I allowed to drink on this? Yeah. It's not illegal? No, it's not illegal at all.

It's not good. It's not illegal? No, it's not illegal at all. It's not good. It's not good. But I'll do it again. Hey, Sam. Is there a funny story we can tell him? Yeah, give me something bad. How about this? Tell me something terrible about Sam. Well, first and back story. Sam and I met

our freshman year of college. We were in the same fraternity and we immediately became best friends I met freshman year of college. We were in the same fraternity and we immediately became best friends because we were both equally ridiculous. The beef? Don't mind me. Keep going. We've been through a lot of

rough moments together over the years, but I'd have to think about something specific that's worth telling. There's probably plenty. You just give me one. I've watched him pee his pants in front of a million people a million times Jesus fucking Christ and we're done thank you for this

episode you're fine I got it shut up dude you're live on cameras right now I was saying some respectful shit. Yeah, say something nice about Sam. Sam could not say anything nice about me yesterday. Yeah, keep going.

You really... You really pull off that Flash costume. I know. Alright, Sam, say something nice about Ryan. Oh my god, I can practice being a therapist. Hell yeah, I would be a great therapist. This is the first time Sam and I have ever complimented each other. I don't think you're supposed to be like holding a fifth as a therapist.

This is step one. Step one, get drunk and tell each other how you really feel. Yeah. Tell him you love him. No. Can you tell me something nice about Riley though? No. Not even a little bit.

No. Can you say something nice about anyone in, though? No. Not even a little bit. No. Can you say something nice about anyone in this room? No. Can you say anything about anyone in this room? No. We're going to end this soon,

simply because I can't do this anymore with you two. I did my best to answer your questions. I'm a best friend in this fucking video right now. He's a vegetable. I think you both are.

It's been a long weekend, dog. Riley, you have five minutes to say whatever the hell you want into the camera. Give us your manifesto because it looks like you have one. I definitely do look like I have a manifesto. Look right into the camera and tell us how do we fix the world,

and I'm going to end this episode very early because I can't sit here and do this. Maybe we'll turn him on later and do another one. I feel like we just started. I feel like we just started, Sam. I feel like I've been watching paint dry trying to talk to you. Yeah, you are a little hard to talk to right now. Half this video is you talking to

three people off camera eating beef saying ka-chow. That's your third sandwich, dude. Ka-chow was like a nine out of ten. Yeah, it was great. Yeah.

But you haven't put together more than three words in a crack in a while. I don't think you should air this. I'm going to air this. I'll just make someone pay for it.

We'll put it on a Patreon account. You want to see two vegetables? I just want to see two vegetables. Talk to a drunk. He's got our brain dead. I'll tell you. A drunk talks to vegetables. That'll be the thumbnail.

That can't be PC. I don't know what you're talking about. I said that's right. I didn't, I have my brother. People love my beef said I was on whatever edible I took. I was like, I felt like a fucking vegetable. And he goes,

that's offensive to who cucumber broccoli does not like your choice of words. So, looking at the camera, give the world your manifesto. I don't actually have a manifesto. Do you have any tips for... I have this ominous manifesto type presence. Do you have tips for the world, though? Like, how do we fix this country?

Taxation is theft. We're going to edit here. Can we bring back the Boston Tea Party? I really enjoy tea.