Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.41 - Michael Cuske

Episode Date: December 16, 2021

Solo Again, featuring The Grinch ...

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 All right, a little ASMR to start this off. Fuck that. Welcome back to another ransom video. I'm your host, Boy on a Bucket. I figured today, for this solo episode, because of my poor planning and unfortunate events, I would show you guys what the other half of the set looks like also i have no chairs out here so i don't want to sit on a bar stool and i thought a bucket would be better after i'm saying it out loud it makes no sense but here we are we're
Starting point is 00:00:37 gonna keep this one nice and short um i have one two three four five things to talk about this should go fairly quickly. We'll see how funny it is. If anything, it's just, uh, what have I been up to? Because I actually haven't recorded an episode in two, three weeks now. So let's start with number one. Bone I have to pick with myself and my friends. Uh, I love Christmas.
Starting point is 00:01:05 I think way too much. Um, and I have I love Christmas, I think, way too much. And I have done... Sorry, I got to put this... Give me my list back. We have done jack shit. Part of it's my fault. I jumped the gun on saying we should rent out a bar and didn't exactly follow through on it. They said I could have it, but then...
Starting point is 00:01:24 You ever... You have such a good idea, didn't exactly follow through on it. They said I could have it, but then you ever, you have such a good idea. And then how do I want to put this? So I had a good idea. We're going to rent out a bar for three hours. We're going to do some holiday seasonal cool stuff. And they said, okay, here are the requirements. You need 30 people, spend this amount of money at a bar. Now, the problem is all my friends are cheap, and I don't think I have 30 friends. And so me and Jake were like,
Starting point is 00:01:56 do you think we're going to have to be like, we're reaching into people. We're like coworkers, although some of the coworkers are friends. I mean, friends of friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, because in reality, both of us are like, dude, I think I got like eight people I want there. And all of them overlapped. It's like the same eight people for the two of us. So, yeah, that didn't work out.
Starting point is 00:02:19 So that one's my fault, I think. But I'm upset that I've done no Christmas stuff besides spend money. And I'm actually, usually I'm one that's, I'm not the biggest fan of snow. I'm starting to like it more because I got back into snowboarding last year and I'm looking forward to doing it again. However, I used to say it can snow from Thanksgiving to New Year's and then it just needs to disappear. But right now I'm sitting in a t-shirt in my garage in the middle of December. It is 61 degrees outside and I think all the polar bears are dying. Um, so I don't think we're going to see that Coke commercial this year. It might be a little bit more depressing.
Starting point is 00:03:07 No. Yeah, that's basically it with the Christmas stuff. I mean, it's honestly depressing around here because the first time I went shopping, like Christmas shopping, I do it every year after Thanksgiving. So what is it? Yeah, Black Friday with my mom. We're like, let's go find presents. It was a lot more fun when I was younger,
Starting point is 00:03:28 and I'd pick out stuff for me. Now I'm picking out stuff for everyone else, and it's fun. But this year we went, and there's no holiday spirit anywhere. And I shouldn't, like, actually, I'm going to bitch about it. It's more, like the reason christmas is so great is better than every other holiday um besides maybe fourth of july because fourth of july is a great day but christmas is a month long it's like everyone is
Starting point is 00:03:56 genuinely happier it's a season of giving everyone's like i want to do stuff for other it's like a month of people aren't thinking of them fucking selves besides the sad people on tiktok they're like i don't have a fucking boyfriend or girlfriend fuck you um but it's a month where people are thinking of other people and it's supposed to make people happy and so when you go part of it like maybe i'm thinking too much like movie like stuff but pre-covid and like we're getting out of this not i wouldn't say out of it but people are walking around now. Put the decorations back up. Because when you walk around and you see all that stuff,
Starting point is 00:04:30 one, you're probably going to get more people to buy your shit because they're in a better mood. When it's December 15th and you go to a mall, which I hate the mall, but when you go to the mall and it's decked out with, like, 15 Christmas trees, a giant one in the middle lights are everywhere that annoying guy's ringing the fucking bell for the salvation army um not that i mean go donate whatever but um but it feels like christmas this year you walk in and it's it's like it's june 10th and i don't know why's June 10th.
Starting point is 00:05:07 And I don't know why June 10th. But like the middle of summer, no one wants to shop. Everyone else is elsewhere outside. It's like it's the weird skater kids, the goth people that like doing whatever in the fucking corner. And like the power walkers in the morning. It's like this doesn't even feel like the Christmas season. It's kind of annoying. I'm upset, disappointed about it. The lack of snow doesn't help. I mean christmas season it's kind of annoying i'm upset disappointed about it the lack of snow doesn't help i mean don't get me wrong i enjoy the warm weather but i think we
Starting point is 00:05:33 need to step it up people need to get out of this funk stop feeling sorry for yourself get back to some sense of normalcy and like i don't know do something about it, um, but it sucks, because I, I have, I haven't done anything, and I want to, like, I gotta, I got one more weekend, like, this will come out tomorrow, yeah, and if I don't do something this weekend, then I think it's Christmas the weekend after that, um, that'll be my only rant on Christmas. That was six minutes good because I only want to do this for like 20. So, recently,
Starting point is 00:06:14 let's start with this. Two weekends ago, my grandpa needed help up at his farm. And it's a great transition Michael so he needed help over at his farm and he calls my mom every night as like I need this done this done how are you just like check up all the stuff and usually Friday rolls around he asked like oh is David my dad up, or can I get some help doing this? Well, two weeks ago, my grandpa called my mom and goes, I need some help moving lumber,
Starting point is 00:06:53 and my mom goes, Michael would love to help. I'm like, one, didn't volunteer. We'll see how I feel on Saturday morning, and I end up going, and i get in the car my dad goes early and halfway in the car right up there because it takes like an hour to get up there i look at my mom and i go one of two things is gonna happen we either are gonna get up there and all the wood is gonna be moved because dad went up there early or Or two, we're not actually moving lumber. And she looks at me and goes, I don't think we're moving lumber. I'm like, yeah, we're definitely not moving lumber. And the reason my mom said we're not moving lumber is like,
Starting point is 00:07:35 your dad didn't even know what he was doing when you went up there. I'm like, but he told you we're moving lumber. Told dad, doesn't know what he's doing, just needs help. I go, yeah, we're not doing it. So we get up there and I see this pile of lumber and i go oh we're moving it sweet this is all i gotta do i can get out of here quickly um turns out we didn't touch the lumber we just ended up putting a tarp over it uh turns out my grandpa wanted us to build a barn so flashback uh last winter my grandpa's barn where he hoards things one of his like four roof collapsed and then they took down the walls and i was thinking and i knew they were going to
Starting point is 00:08:17 end up building it but we get up there i'm thinking all right we're moving lumber in for the winter um to one of his other barns so they're ready to go. It doesn't rot away or the weather get to it too bad. No, my grandma's like, yeah, we're going to start the barn now. I'm like, oh, shit. So me thinking, latest I get to leave is two. Thinking, getting there, I'm like, I'm leaving at like 12.30
Starting point is 00:08:45 because this lumber is not going to take me long to move. And I left at like 2.30. But we're doing this work. There's like the guy helping us too. So my grandpa employs people. He's from a smaller town. So he just employs his neighbors. The only problem is his neighbors are as old or older than
Starting point is 00:09:05 him and then have grandchildren so it's like the age range helping us is 12 and like 12 months from death um so we have this 70 year old man my father who just had surgery and a 12 year old trying to put up what I would say we should just pay the Amish to do and have them walk it over. Um, so we put up this support beam and it takes forever, but three days later we get a phone call and my grandpa goes, Hey, you know that, uh, that wall you guys were working on? I'm like, yeah. He goes, it blew down.
Starting point is 00:09:48 I'm like, what? And he made it sound like it was our fault. Like, it clearly, like, that's not what blew down, but the other part of, like, the rotting barn, the wind just blew the rest of it over. He goes, hey, what you put in four hours of work on, that's up, but everything around it gone like motherfucker um and if it gets cold now there's no way we're gonna fucking
Starting point is 00:10:11 work on it so it's just there's here's the thing like i don't my when i say my grandpa hoards he has what i would consider enough let me break it down there's probably upwards of like 15 cars and these aren't like pristine condition like they're nicer cars but they just been sitting in a barn in wisconsin forever um 10 tractors just countless like countless um rows of junk, enough tools to supply like 10 auto zones. And I'm not kidding when I say it's like three different pieces of property. It's probably four barns, three sheds, two houses, three houses. And I'm now just advertising to the world that my grandpa's got all this shit. He lives in Kansas.
Starting point is 00:11:10 So go there. But I don't know where I was going with it. Yeah, so this shed has these old rotting cars in it. And now we're not going to put a barn up in a fucking day. Which is why i say like just employ the amish they do this for a living i think i don't really know what they do but this stuff's just gonna like sit in the snow if it ever snows for the rest of the year so that's that that was two weeks ago um because i haven't recorded since the mondo episode which
Starting point is 00:11:44 was so fun and things are coming with him which would be so fucking fun i haven't recorded since the mondo episode which was so fun and things are coming with him which would be so fucking fun i can't wait we just need to work out things logistically um uh but last week and i think this is the reason main reason why i didn't even think about finding a guest for this week um on a more serious note i've we've had some recent family scares um everything's good but it got to the point like everything's totally fine but it got to my family can tend to be hypochondriacs um my middle brother specifically um but it stemmed from someone getting a physical and it went into my head that I was like, when's the last time you had a physical? I haven't had a physical in eight years. I think like the last time I needed one was like for sports in high school.
Starting point is 00:12:36 So I'm thinking I'm coming off on like eight years. And so naturally I went and gave myself like a self examination. So who wants to hear about my testicles? So I give myself the self examination. I'm like, I'm good. I feel fine. I don't like you don't know, like you just know, you're not supposed to feel anything abnormal. But my problem is like, I never trust my first opinion. So get a second opinion so I go from right hand to left hand um and then I get a third and I do both at the same time and so I checked myself a lot and it got to the point where I was like I basically Annie Ann pretzeled my testicles um trying to feel shit like I learned about my later on, like stuff is in there that's supposed to be in there. So that I was like, this is fucking wrong. Um, but the middle
Starting point is 00:13:35 of the week I started getting pain and it, I couldn't sit in the car. Um, I was able to work out, but I couldn't sit in the car for an extended period to work out but I couldn't sit in the car for an extended period of time and like I had to lift my leg up like this uh by the way check out the pink crocs makes me think of Timbo Timbo happy late birthday hope uh your health is getting better here soon too um so I uh I thought I something, and once I started feeling pain, because that just naturally, like, I have pain, there's something there, um, and, like, the pain, like I said, after I work out, I'd be fine, but then I would just, like, oh, it hurts, and it would shoot, kind of, it was dull, it was basically, like, you ever, imagine, like, a a tetherball and you really don't know how to
Starting point is 00:14:26 play so you just see like one of the kids at the like the park just kind of like pulling on it it's kind of what like it felt like and then i did another examination i'm like i definitely feel a lump yeah i got scared but i ended up going to the doctor and this is where it kind of gets comical. Like, cause I'm, I'm okay. Totally fine. But I, uh, so I go, I go to the walk-in clinic and first of all, I think they need to change the process. Like I'd rather write down, like it could be embarrassing what you're there for. So I get to the walk-in clinic and they're like, what are you here for? I'm like, okay, let's dial it back a bit. But I'm, I have a, I think I, I think I have a lump on my testicle.
Starting point is 00:15:13 They're like, what? I'm like, uh, testicular pain, possible lump. She goes, okay, testicular pain. I'm like, shut up. Um, she goes, which one? I'm like left. I think it might be a cyst. Cause I did the web MD thing, which don't do. Um, I thought my veins were like the size of my fucking forearm. I'm like, I'm definitely dying. Um, and then it moved to cyst and she's like, all right, two hour wait, go sit down. I'm like, okay, whatever.
Starting point is 00:15:46 Get in there. And she's like, okay, what's the problem? And I don't know if anyone else does this, but like when you get to the doctor's office and you have pain somewhere and you're like, all right, like all I want to do, like going into it, you're like, I want to get better. I want to get better. I want to get better. I'm just going to tell them exactly what's wrong, and they're going to prescribe me whatever I need to do or tell me I'm fine, I'm overreacting, and I'll be on my way. But then when you get in there and they're like, what's wrong? You're like, well, it's really not that bad. I would say it's more like a five rather than an eight. It's just like it's on and off.
Starting point is 00:16:23 I don't really feel it sometimes but i like i just want to be safe meanwhile you could have like a bullet wound you're like it's like a small cut um like you need to act tough for the doctor like you're there for to get better not to look tough but i did that i was like it's like and i wasn't like completely like dumbing it down but parts like it's dull. It's more like a nuisance, an inconvenience. Meanwhile, while I was sitting there, I was like, ah. And she goes, okay, I'm a little dyslexic.
Starting point is 00:16:56 I'm like, yeah, this is a great requirement for being a doctor. So she goes over my story a few times, and she's like, is it the left or right? I'm like left. Um, you guys are learning way too much about my testicles this episode, but, uh, I'm like, does it matter? She goes, no, this is when she said she was dyslexic. And so I, I basically like finished my story and she goes, all right, I'm going to examine you. Sorry. I'm a girl. I'm like, it doesn't matter. Um, and she goes, okay, I'm going to sit down. I need you to stand up, approach me and take your pants off. And I'm like, Oh, don't start cracking jokes. But I do. Drop my pants.
Starting point is 00:17:45 And she goes to my nuts. I shit you not. And she's sitting there like I am right now. And imagine, like, this notebook is my nuts. It's realistic, probably, like, little penis. But she's here. She goes, okay, penis, penis skin, ball sack, I'm like, what the fuck, I'm like, she goes, and she said ball sack, she goes, uh, scrotum skin, I'm like, scrotum, that's, it's the skin, I'm like, are you a doctor, and she starts, like, feeling them up, and she goes, I'm not really feeling, she goes, all right, testicles, I'm gonna
Starting point is 00:18:32 start with the left one, I'm gonna go to the right, I'm like, I don't need, like, you don't need to say your process out loud, this isn't, like, a teaching moment for you, I hope, where you're, like, like a teaching moment for you, I hope, where you're like reciting it out loud. So you remember it for the exam. And she feels me up. And she's like, Yeah, I don't feel anything. And I'm like, Okay, like, well, that's good. And she goes, I don't know where you'd be feeling a lump. To which I go, well, I think it's more on the top. And she goes, really, where where to which i then and this is the only time you're ever allowed to play with your nut sack in front of a woman um yeah that's gonna be really weirdly clipped um but so i twitch she goes where and i then my nuts, then grab the left testicle, and do a motion with it to which she made a noise and movement
Starting point is 00:19:32 as if I kicked her in both of her ovaries. Or if she had her own scrotum, and I just went, boom. She went, ah. I'm like, what? She goes, don't do that, I'm like, what do you mean, she goes, you're not supposed to move them like that, I'm like, really, and she's like, yeah, how often have you checked your nuts, and I'm like, well, before I answer that, how often am I supposed to check myself? Like these self-examinations. She goes, once a month.
Starting point is 00:20:07 I go, okay, I'm good for the next two and a half years. She goes, really? And over what span? I'm like, within the last week. She goes, are you serious? I go, I checked myself in the morning when I started freaking out. I checked myself in the morning, at night, during the day. I was like, something feels off, like afternoon. I'm like, let's just be safe to check to give me a peace of mind during the day. And she goes, okay, yeah, there's a good chance you just irritated the hell out of your testicles because you went full Annie Ann's pretzel on them. I'm like that was basically my last week um was my testicles um that was fucking 15 minutes on testicles uh but yeah i had pain the next couple days and it's gotten progressively better but they're like yeah you still uh we'll still refer you to a urologist so
Starting point is 00:21:03 get to do that so i get to get my nuts fondled again i'm starting to overshare i used to be the person who's like my private life is my private life unless i want to make my public life and i guess i'm still living that because i really don't care like i told that story on stage last night did not go over well um kind of just got made fun of for talking about my testicles so i figured why not double down and share it on YouTube? Um, and every other streaming platform this is going to go on. Um, but yeah, so I think all is well. I promise I'm going to get some new guests here soon. I, uh, very busy, but the last two things on my little rundown of things i want to talk about uh the
Starting point is 00:21:50 other night i was talking to my mother and she was scrolling the meta company jesus and their fun app the facebook and she goes do you think or no she goes would you rather spend the rest of your life in a museum a library or a zoo and truthfully i quickly said museum and i was wait, can I pick which museum? And then I quickly changed my answer to zoo for reasons I'll disclose later. And then my mom just interrupts. She goes, definitely not a library. Libraries make me poop. Really? For one, when was the last time you're in a library that this is such common knowledge for you? How often did you used to be in libraries? And she goes, yeah, I think, she doubled down. She goes, I think it's something in the glue.
Starting point is 00:22:51 I'm like, all right, concerned how often you were in the library. Second, what you were doing in the library, you're just huffing the binders of each book you open up. So I was like, okay, I'm just going to ignore that. I'll make fun of you later. I'll tell the world. Um, but then I, in my head, I was like, I think zoo is the best answer. Um, it's indoor outdoor, it's interactive. Um, there's other life there. Like I'm assuming you're the only person in these like in this scenario like people aren't coming in and out of the library in the zoo or or the museum so i'm like you at least have like other animals in the zoo you can interact with and you could be like a
Starting point is 00:23:38 weird tarzan boy or something like that um and then my third option and my third reason like there's a way out like you can't i don't know how you would kill yourself in a library you would go mentally insane in a library depending on the museum i'm sure there's a weapon there you could probably with but i don't think you could because like it's under your control. Like you ever heard the statement, the force it takes to bite through a carrot is the force it takes for you to bite through your finger. Like you could bite through your finger with that force. No one's going to do that. I don't know if I believe it, but if that's the case, no one's actually going to bite that hard.
Starting point is 00:24:20 That's the case. No one's actually going to bite that hard. So I don't think a lot of people could actually, I could be so wrong, just take an ancient, probably very dull weapon from a museum and end it. But you go crazy enough and you're like, I've had enough. And you walk into the lion exhibit, if you haven't befriended Simba and Mufasa had enough and you walk into the lion exhibit if you haven't befriended simba and mufasa yet and you're done it might be a little painful but you're gone um there are other reasons but i don't think it's appropriate for this um however i was thinking about it too like how cool would it be like If you could pick any museum to spend a weekend or a month.
Starting point is 00:25:08 If it was just an experiment. If you were to spend a month in one. If you change the question to the rest of your life, you're going to do zoo, museum, or library. The rest of my life, I would go zoo. But if you narrowed it down or shortened the time to a month. By the way, I would never pick library. that's just the dumbest fucking answer for anyone everyone the people like oh my god you know how many stories are there i'm like yeah you fucking cuckoo clock um you're gonna go insane and you're gonna think you're in one of the stories
Starting point is 00:25:39 and next thing you know like if someone actually does find you one day and you're fucking a bookshelf going, Oh, Atticus Finch. Um, yeah, that's no. So, but if I narrowed it down to a month, I would a hundred percent, a hundred percent pick museum.
Starting point is 00:25:57 If I could pick the museum though, cause I don't want to do like discovery world in Milwaukee. I think that's in Milwaukee or SeaWorld or even the stuff that's readily available to the public in DC. But if I could pick a museum, like any museum, and I get a month in there, I would 100% pick the Vatican archives because one, now you need permission, like you always did.
Starting point is 00:26:30 You need permission to go into those archives. And the permission you get is granted based off of what you propose you want to look at. So let's say you want to look at, for example, let's – I don't really know what's down there, Let's say you want to look at, for example, let's, I don't really know what's down there, but let's say you wanted to look at biblical tigers or something like that. I don't fucking know. Or like the book of Genesis or that time period or whatever. Or like history on the Templars or the last 10 popes. Okay, let's do the last 10 popes. Okay, let's do the last 10 popes. If you want to do research on last 10 popes, and they granted you permission to look at the documents that regard to the last 10
Starting point is 00:27:13 popes, they only give you those documents, you can't just go into the archives, and then you have free reign, the only thing you're given is that topic and i don't even know if you're probably given all of the information that they have but you're only given stuff regarding that topic but if i could get a free reign in any museum it's a hundred percent the vatican archives i think that's what's called the archives um just the stuff and the secrecy that's probably hidden and i mean it's like i like, I think they, I could be so wrong, but I think it's like warehouse sizes, like multiple warehouse sizes of just shit.
Starting point is 00:27:54 Just so many like ancient texts, scrolls, artifacts. I like the secrets, the history, like how much history do you think is actually, could be like revealed? Like how much truth do you think we could find down there about where things stem from? Scientific discoveries. Who did this? Who did that? Because I have, like, a theory, kind of.
Starting point is 00:28:20 It's not really a dumb theory, and it doesn't really revolve around religious history. But religious history, because this past month I was obsessed. I was watching a 45-minute YouTube video series of the history of the Templars and how they think they became the Freemasons, and the Freemasons were in cahoots with Egypt or they even helped Egypt and then they also helped build America and stuff like that like obelisks that are in New York and it's so fascinating but this is way kind of off but like because we don't know anything for sure it's all speculation and a lot of things like you know you got a lot of clues, but none of them line up completely.
Starting point is 00:29:07 You seem to be missing a few pieces. But I think something like that could help fill in gaps or kind of defog our perception of what really happened. I want to make a joke out of this, but how many people in history do you think are multiple people so like before we could like really record anything like in my head i'm thinking like wild wild west stuff like um like famous i i wish i draw a blank on like let's say dirty dan or any like famous cowboy or gunslinger. And he goes, he's, he's known for killing like 600 people.
Starting point is 00:29:52 But like a lot of that is just story. What if that's actually like those 600 people are like three people who said they all were Dirty Dan. Because no one actually knows what Dirty Dan looked like. But if you like, like he's got this, they go off of what they say he thinks he looks like. So if it's like a rumor, so like rumors spread quickly, like wildfire, flower, fire, Jesus Christ. So if they're like, oh, Dirty Dan, he's known like double pistols all black black hat white horse well like you could get three guys i mean how many people all like copy people's style now
Starting point is 00:30:38 because they want to be someone else like the justin bieber haircut was so so famous or like whatever fashion trend like it's real quick. Like I'm going to do this because I want to be that person. How easy would it have been to be like, I got all the exact same stuff. I look like him and I did all this. And then stories just keep adding up and adding up and adding up. Um, I got a little confused myself talking about that. Um, but I think you guys are kind of picking up what i'm putting down where i think like some people in history are actually multiple people because there are sometimes some things you look i'm like how the fuck did this one person do
Starting point is 00:31:16 all of this um i do think we give people a lot of credit for things that people underneath them did um and like if they told them to do it yeah rightfully so but there are it's it's just a weird thing like i'm fascinated by like the the ancient world like i i really want to know or i love origin stories like my favorite superhero movies are never, like, take the Marvel Universe. My opinion, or even the DC ones, my opinion, the best movies are, like, Iron Man 1. How Spider-Man became Spider-Man. It's never, like, don't get me wrong, like, the Avengers is great. It's cool to see them all together. But, like, how Batman begins.
Starting point is 00:32:03 Like, those are, like like i love the origin story i really want to know how things started because then you really understand where things are um testicles to ancient history cool um i'm gonna end it with this keep it nice and short weird thing christmas season as you can see by the way this is my only decoration to my left your guys is also left I guess but this is the Grinch um yeah it's my only decoration I got here I want a tree but I really don't want to go pick one out or buy one for one more episode before Christmas. Um, but so I'm starting to see like a lot of either old, uh, like the Tik TOK thing now is like, what's your most viral video.
Starting point is 00:32:57 And a lot of them are like sappy, like things that are like tear jerking. You're going to get someone to like the video because, um, I don't they're it's like a military homecoming or i'm giving you a surprise gift or i gave my grandpa a car that he sold one day um but the one i'm seeing that i don't quite understand completely is when you surprise anyone in your family with a new dog, like a puppy. I understand if this is what they wanted for the last couple months, last year, they're ready for a dog. But the people that just give someone a dog out of nowhere makes no sense to me. And so to future anyone who might ever think about getting me a dog on a whim,
Starting point is 00:33:53 fucking don't. I love dogs, but my question is how long does that excitement last? Because yes, on the day of, you are gifted this adorable, energetic thing that wants to do nothing but love, cuddle, and play with you. And on Christmas morning, what more could you ask for? That is the perfect toy. I'm not calling your pet a toy, so relax. So yes, that first day, great. I'll even give you the next day, too.
Starting point is 00:34:21 That first day, great. I'll even give you the next day too. But two days after Christmas and you didn't ask for a dog and you wake up and that thing's licking your face. It's peed on the carpet. It's ripped up your pillows. And you're like, holy shit. I have this thing for the next 8 to 12 years. It's not like a video game where you're like, I can play thing for the next 8 to 12 years. It's not like a video game where you're like,
Starting point is 00:34:51 I can play this for the next month, beat it, and I'm done. You're gifting them a responsibility. I don't understand. You need to be ready for a dog. People say get a dog before you get a child. Don't think you're a fucking mom or dad because you got a dog before you have a child like i'm a dog man shut up but seriously how long does that excitement last you're like oh my god it's a puppy like i love when penny comes in here when i record an episode and on mondays and Tuesdays, when I get a walker,
Starting point is 00:35:32 it's like nothing but a serotonin boost for me. I absolutely love it. However, when she poops for the third time on our walk, I'm like, I couldn't imagine doing this every day because I'm not ready for it. When I'd be ready for a dog, that's why I say when the people who want a dog, I get it. It's a great surprise. For those of you who don't want a dog or didn't even think about getting a dog, and you're just like, here you go. Here's an eight-year commitment. You're like, what?
Starting point is 00:35:56 Because, like, tomorrow, if it's 20 degrees outside and 40-mile-an-hour winds, I don't want to go take anything for a walk. I don't want to take myself for a walk. So, yeah, that's my main point about that. I was going to add something to it. Something, just the dog thing. I don't get it. I love dogs. I eventually want want one but it's just not
Starting point is 00:36:27 it's not a good surprise i didn't want this christmas gift like if it's if a dog is not on your christmas list or the person's christmas list that you're getting a dog for i don't think you should be getting them a dog because a dog like any pet needs to be going into a committed home that's the other thing too like don't you need shit for puppies like like a kennel or like i don't know child blocks they don't run or fall down the stairs or if you have like a um a railing from the top floor that like they could slip through and then it's getting a little morbid but like you kind of have to puppy proof the place and you're just like nope like imagine if i walked up and just like here's a child
Starting point is 00:37:16 and you're like oh my god it's so cute i get to hang out with him all day like when i went to cory and ellie's engagement i was like oh my god callum i get to hang out with him all day. Like when I went to Corey and Ali's engagement, I was like, oh my God, Callum. I get to hang out with him all day. I never wanted to give him up. But when we left, I was like, that was enough for today. Like I don't want to go home and have to feed him, bathe him, change him, anything. Eventually one day, I will. It's not my kid, but I don't understand that president, I'm really just
Starting point is 00:37:48 ranting now, so I can try and figure out what the fuck I was gonna say, but I can't think of it, I really can't think of it, my back's starting to hurt, this, I really need to get better chairs, I need to move, I need to, I'm trying my hardest to get these t-shirts out. I want to find a way, like, this isn't a huge podcast by any means. This isn't even a relatively mediocre. I mean,
Starting point is 00:38:14 it is such a small show. And, but I want to sell t-shirts. Like I think it'd be just because I think they're fun. My brother put in so much work to him, but I don't want to order 50 of each of and guess what sizes people are going to order so i'm working with someone so i can do it by like you you pay and then they make it on the spot instead of me having an inventory so i really want that done by tonight.
Starting point is 00:38:47 I got the actual right files from my brother. But we'll see. This has been fun. I always say I never want to do this again. Because this is uncomfortable. But to be honest with you. I'll probably end up doing it again. I think.
Starting point is 00:39:09 Back in season 2. when I was asking people what's something you have to do before your next birthday, and I told myself something, because I already did mine, but a goal I had was to do one of these every week for the rest of the year. I'm on pace. I, I got, like, three more weeks, I want the last couple to be fun, like, I, I'd like to do a fun New Year's one, I would like to do a fun Christmas one tomorrow, but we'll, or not tomorrow, it's today, today's Wednesday, Friday, um, but we'll see, we'll see, this has been fun, I've, uh, I'm getting more comfortable with this, this, not talking about myself, this isn't fun, um, this is going, I mean, this is about as many laughs as I get in the garage as I do when I'm
Starting point is 00:40:03 on stage in the middle of the week like last night was fucking brutal I mean I just basically told you guys everything I said on stage last night but yeah I just talked about my testicles for four minutes I really need to like put that into cohesive like three minutes but um I guess we'll end it with this. On a serious note, check yourself out. If you haven't gotten a physical, go get one. Don't be afraid. I think more often than not, everyone's going to be okay. But it doesn't hurt to check.
Starting point is 00:40:39 And happy holidays. Merry Christmas.

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