Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.42 - Andrew "Simba" Matthews
Episode Date: December 23, 2021Simba Matthews is a Milwaukee based Comedian. I just met the man. ...
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I'll tell you what though, I am looking forward to it warming back up so I don't have to do this in the garage anymore.
Oh, where would you be doing it?
Well, actually, sorry. So I can do this in the garage still.
Because I've done most of these in the garage.
I've done a few.
Yeah, we're trying this episode out Not having the garage open
Usually I prop it open to get rid of some echo
So we'll see
Actually if you're going to smoke in here
I'm going to crash it
Dope
You live here with the parents?
Yeah.
Come on in, dog.
What's up?
No, just my mom.
I went to school in...
Yeah, actually, you were the first person on here I've had
that I actually don't really know.
Yeah.
I was wondering, am I the first black person?
No.
No? Okay.
My first black person actually was two episodes ago.
Okay.
I think.
I missed it by two episodes.
Yeah, so I had one of my buddies, Armando, on.
I don't know if you've ever heard of DJ Mondo in Milwaukee.
Who?
So, yeah, you're the first one I knew.
Usually I just have people I know.
Gradually I'm getting a few more.
I'm talking to a few other people I don't know that actually really do stuff.
So there's this extreme sports guy who lives out in LA right now
that I think I'm going to go fly out there and interview him and stuff like that here soon.
But where are we going with this?
Oh, yeah.
It's just I like it in here when it's warm.
When it's cold, this sucks.
Like, when I first started this, my other buddy, I was like, I'm going to have to sit here in, like, snow pants and a parka and talk for, like, 45 minutes.
And then you said a heater would add too much noise to it
way too much noise um i could play music but at this point whatever we're rolling um so let's
just get into what happened last night because i didn't stick around much after my set i listened
like three more people and i had to go uh last night was bremen yeah uh so bremen uh so i've uh about a
week ago i've was doing a routine where i do a joke before i get off the stage i was i was wrapping
up on my last joke and um a comedian named cody heck and a comedian named, uh, Marie, Maria Acosta.
They were, they were basically like rushing me off the stage.
Like, come on, get up.
And, and I kind of got upset with that.
I even have a video of me being like, Hey, Hey, fuck you, Cody Heck, little bitch.
And I, that has been weighing on me all week.
So at the high dive after Brennan,
that's Ryder Cameron's mic at 10.30.
So like halfway into my set,
I just address Cody Heck.
And I make a couple fat jokes and the audience is just
laughing it up. They weren't expecting me to just randomly talk shit to another comedian that was,
that they just saw perform. And Cody Heck got on stage and out of his five minutes, he did a minute and 20 seconds.
And he was basically just like calling me a little bitch and shit.
And he stormed off the stage all upset like he was going to cry.
And I'm like, oh, man.
Keep going. You're good.
Yeah, it is really funny
and I got to
I got to
I kept the footage rolling
so
I got to get the footage
of me talking shit to him
and then
him not
doing well afterwards well i guess like god you got your own back but i mean
at the end of the day i feel like shouldn't we all like we should probably patch that up at some
point right because we're i mean we're all like if we're gonna do this and be struggling quote
unquote comedians we kind of have to have each other's back yeah most definitely uh and i want to be everybody's friend that's exactly what i started
off trying to do but um it's not everybody's trying to be your friend no i know not everyone's
trying to be your friend um but i feel like that's also that could just be like minor stuff i mean
But I feel like that's also, that could just be, like, minor stuff.
I mean, what the fuck?
Yeah.
Dude, did you have, speaking, like, quick, not to change subjects real quick, but did you have, like, wind damage? I didn't even know it got super windy the other week.
No, since I live in an apartment, I didn't have any wind damage.
I was pretty good.
Well, like, even in, like, your area, because when I left in the morning the next day,
nothing around here was bad.
I'm like, why is every fucking traffic light out?
And then I'm starting to see trees down.
You can't go anywhere.
I'm like, I didn't even know it was windy last night.
And apparently, it's when we've had tornadoes everywhere.
And she's like, one touchdown, not too far from here.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, fuck.
Yeah, I can't even leave the house if i hear wind outside of my window
i just be like oh no i'm not going to an open mic tonight it's cold it's i can hear the wind
is basically yelling at me to stay in the house the coldest walk i've had this year or i swear
it's like every week is the walk from my car into high note. I don't know what it is, but it's just always fun
It might just because it's a wind tunnel. It's a wind tunnel
I'm like this fuck and then it takes me 10 minutes to warm up when we get in there. I'm like this sucks
Yeah, I got me one of those milwaukee heated jackets. It feels like i'm being hugged from my mom
Yeah, i'm not a winter coat guy. I don't I like I layers and stuff like that
I something about just like, I layers and stuff like that. Something about just, like, one big jacket.
Like, I'm committing to, like, I'm going to just be this big jacket guy.
Whereas if I do layers, I can be, like, I can be super warm with, like, three layers on.
Or if I go inside, I can take one off.
My problem is then I got, like, multiple things I got to keep track of, which sucks.
Yeah, I keep a backpack in my car just so i can switch clothes
yeah i want to but when in the winter if you leave sweatshirts in your car when you put them on like
this is colder than if i was not wearing one right now because it's ice you got you got heated seats
uh i do my car warms up pretty quickly um i've been in a few cars i have like the heat the heated steering wheels those are nice
yeah like i wish i would have had one of those in high school when you're like you don't go warm no
did you ever like warm up your car in high school before you left yeah i if i did it was like just
to make sure it started it wasn't like good enough time so like when i got in the car it was warm
it was all right it starts run back inside, grab my backpack, and then go.
So you're sitting there, and I got like, I had to like take my sleeves and do this to hold the steering wheel because it's so fucking cold.
Gloves.
And it doesn't warm up until, well, no, there's no way.
If I'm not wearing a winter coat, I don't think I have gloves on me.
And then it wouldn't warm up until like I got to high school.
I'm like, this was fucking useless.
I should have just walked.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like the way heated seats make you feel like you pissed your pants.
It's like, did I just piss my pants while driving my car right now?
Sometimes it gets so warm.
I'm like, dude, I'm fucking on fire.
And then you're like, I got to turn this off.
And you're like, you're just kind of sitting there on the steering wheel like this.
You ever accidentally turn that shit on and then you're like, what the fuck's going on?
Exactly, yeah.
Am I dying?
The first time I experienced it, like when I was younger, my mom got a car that had heated seats.
And I didn't know that was a thing.
And we were like, is anyone else's ass getting like on fire right now?
She's like, oh, yeah, I have's like oh yeah i've heated seats i'm like
i've been like i was thinking i was just sweating from the waist down for no reason and like
reality you got like a 90 degree heater underneath you just blowing heat up your ass
it's nice but if you don't expect it it it gets a little weird i heard i i remember uh one of your
bits that you did uh last time I saw you perform.
You were talking about a medical issue.
Yeah.
For a very long time.
Yeah.
I was like, holy shit.
I think the first thing, I think one of the first rules I made for myself was, don't talk to the audience about your medical issues.
Well, the second time I did it Friday, it went very well.
Yeah, it went yeah it went
well yeah and i was like oh dog you said something about um you said something about my dick that
made me crouch i was like oh dog oh like you said it was like uh like you weren't supposed to do
something oh yeah i like moved my testicles in a way I shouldn't have moved my testicles.
And then the fucking nurse looked at you.
Like, what the fuck are you doing?
Like, don't do that.
And she goes, they ain't supposed to move like that.
I'm learning that now.
That's why it fucking hurts.
Yeah, that was probably one of the better times I've done on stage recently.
But I have no problem with that.
Like I told it on an episode.
I did a solo one.
Yeah, I heard that one.
And I ran through that on here just because I needed some content to put out during last week's thing.
I haven't recorded one of these in three weeks.
Three weeks.
I've had some banked though, which is nice.
You had some what though which is nice you had some what banked so like
i'll do instead of oh i usually just do like one a week and that i had like one that i'd done over
the next one i did over halloween and then i did two in one week before or the weekend after
halloween so i was like i got i can fuck off if i need to and when i have the medical issue going
on or thought i had going on it's like i'm not gonna go record anything right now right if I can't sit in a car for five minutes I can't sit
on a bar stool for 45 right yeah uh that that was a good story to tell yeah you kept the audience
engaged yeah that's uh that's definitely an audience like I need it helped that crowd last
Friday was nice like they were laughing at just
about everything they were having a good time they're there um because i did it at bremen
yesterday and it it did not go as well but it's also a room full of comics that heard it
two days ago so like all right whatever at this point it's just practice when i see a room full of comics
and no audience members i'm doing something completely different now i am going to you're
going at each comic i'm going at each comic i know everybody's name now i am not playing around
i got a lot of ammo on my testicles i'm abusing comedians and i'm using their names
go for it.
If I don't see any audience members.
Because that's the only, like I'm not going to do new shit.
So you guys don't laugh at the new shit when the audience members are here.
I'm going to just talk shit about people that deserve.
Yeah, it could be like a good crowd work kind of practice thing.
I know I'm still fairly new, so I'll go over something.
Like, I don't even know what I'm going to do.
How new?
Since May.
May.
Yeah.
God, I feel unprofessional, but there is not a lighter closed by his hair.
Actually, there is.
Oh, amen.
I was all fidgety and shit.
I swear my lighter's small as fuck.
I believe there is.
Hold on.
So, you've never had a problem with any comedians?
Your...
By light.
I'll have someone bring one down, though.
My little brother's upstairs.
Oh, you got assistants.
Yeah.
Well, let's see he's playing
video games right now so um that's like you're jamie and you're joe rogan yeah except this guy's
not here he might not reply to me and you may never get a lighter oh that's fine at least i
got it rolled for my next destination.
What were you saying, though?
Like, you've been doing comedy for how long?
A few months. And the first couple months, I would say consistently for three.
On and off for five.
So you can say you perform less than 100 times?
Yeah.
Get those reps in, doggy.
Is it fun to you?
Yeah, I enjoy it.
I love going up there.
I'm more and more comfortable each time I do it, which is nice.
It's just a matter of having the time.
Like, I'm glad I got to go to Bremen yesterday.
We're going to High Note after this.
Well, it's windy.
You might not be going.
Yeah, right. But, yeah, no. note after this um well it's windy you might not be going um but yeah no i'm doing my best to get there as much as i can right now i like uh the high notes kind of a fun place i mean it might
not be like the most prestigious place in the world but when the crowd gets there it's it's a
good atmosphere i like it you're a really quiet person when I talk to the other comics.
A lot of them don't really know who you are or know your name.
Yeah.
So I'm getting better at that.
I befriended a decent amount of you guys last week, I think.
But the best way I'd describe it is...
So I don't know if you went to... Did you go to college?
Yeah, I went to UWM.
Okay, so did you ever visit anyone else's college?
Yeah.
Okay, when you visited someone else's college,
you usually had a friend there, right?
Hell no.
I was visiting my ex that was cheating on me.
Okay, well, that's a whole other can of worms.
But you knew someone there,
so you had an in with their friends
when you're hanging out with other people.
Me going into the high note when I first did and when I first started, it was like going to a different college but not having that friend as an in.
So in my head, it's like either this has to be like I got to come here enough and you see me enough and it's happening now where I'm talking to more and more people.
Or I got to make you laugh and then that'll be my in. And I think last Friday was one of my better ones. talking to more and more people um or I gotta make you laugh and then that'll be my
end and I think last Friday was one of my better ones talk to more people it was nice but like not
having like that Trojan horse kind of just break down the wall because like whether you guys see
it or not when like you walk into a room like that it's like it's very clicky like you can tell
who's a comedian who's the audience member and that's not bad at all um but when someone's new i mean that person's not just gonna walk up and be like i'm gonna be
your friend because i know my personality if i just walked up and was me right away you guys
would have fucking hated me so it's just kind of like a gradual process dude uh six months ago in
june when i started this ship was just trying to be
everybody's friend hey i literally gave each comedian a compliment before i started engaging
in conversation with them and you know dog these comedians don't really like me that much but you
know what can i do a lot of them are judging me on jokes that i made my first month of stand-up
comedy and if they want me to
apologize about that they can suck my
dick and eat my pocket pussy
I don't really give a fuck
I can't undo the past I had to
learn from my past mistakes
yeah no there's definitely a learning curve
to this for sure
um
by no means am I trying to be
everyone's friend I don't do that outside of means am I trying to be anyone's everyone's friend.
I don't do that outside of this either.
I am an ass a lot of the time.
Um, but by no means am I looking to make enemies right now either.
So, um, I will be me like whether it's a fault or not.
And I'll make my group of friends where I make my group of friends.
But right now I got no issues with anyone.
People have been pretty nice to me.
You've been very nice to me.
You've told me you recorded one of my sets.
And you first were like, I don't know if you're okay with that.
I'm like, I am totally fine with that.
I do not care.
And people have been nice.
There are some where I'm like, I've talked to a few people who I've seen twice now.
People who aren't there all the time.
And they're like, we should hang out i'm
like we're probably not gonna hang out but like i'm just ended here so other than that i'm enjoying
myself yeah um the i remember recording one of your sets and i remember you had to deal with a heckler situation.
And you weren't dealing with that heckler at all.
You were being very aggressive with that heckler.
But everybody got to learn.
Oh, I remember that one.
I didn't know you recorded that one.
Oh, I recorded that one, doggy.
That was when there was like two people there.
And that guy came in.
And I've said it.
I told it on here too.
But I did not handle
that well was not having the best of days to begin with um and then i was like i think i told him
like dude shut the fuck up and that's what that's been time like who was nice so nice to me that day
like hey man just working your stuff don't worry about it i'm like and then i calmed down finished
whatever shit he said I had going.
And then he like just pointers and stuff.
Someone who's been doing it a little longer or a lot longer.
Like,
I appreciate that.
So it's like,
but like you said,
I feel like you can't judge.
I'm not saying you are judging me at all,
but like off of the first time they have to deal with something didn't go well.
No,
not to do that again.
Or there is a time and place for that at some point, but that one with something didn't go well no not to do that again or there is a time
and place for that at some point but that one it didn't go horrible either no you were basically
like hey you want to go outside yeah like i've had enough your ass you want me to curb stomp you man
like yeah i remember literally going like hey bro keep it funny well at that point i was like what you were pissed yeah i was like there's no, keep it funny. Well, at that point, I was like, well, you were pissed.
Yeah, I was like, there's no point keeping it funny because you guys have heard everything I'm about to say.
And then there's this guy who I think belonged in a padded room.
So, yeah.
But I have.
So, by the way, if you want to talk about anything on here, like, don't you have a show coming up?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks, man.
you want to talk about anything on here like don't you have a show coming up yeah yeah thanks man uh i have a dark comedy show uh hosted by maria acosta yeah costa and uh and um really great
comedians like uh cory strike um he's one of the best dark comic guys we got you know yeah yeah one of my favorite people when i started coming
six months ago of cody heck is on the show the guy that i got into it with last night
and hopefully that's over and done with by the show what when's the show again when's the show
the show is um next month on the 13th or 14th.
I would have to look that up. Just a quick sec.
But I am very excited for it.
I think I could sell like 20 tickets.
I'm afraid that I'm going to sell 20 tickets and then she's going to be like,
Hey, guess what? You're canceled.
Get the fuck off of my show.
I don't think anyone can cancel you at this stage right now.
I mean, I'm on the billboard.
I would hope not.
Where is the show at?
The show is at La Zacolo.
Of course, it's the hardest name to say.
Zo Calo.
And the address is 636 South 6th Street in Milwaukee.
January 14th at 8 p.m.
Tickets are $15.
And I am excited to be on my first show.
Yeah, that's cool.
If it turns out.
Because if it doesn't turn out, then it's like, I'll just make my own show.
Yeah, so how did this come to be?
Did Maria put it on?
Yeah, me and Maria Acosta started around the same time in June.
And, you know, we started off really friendly.
And then, you know, we just stopped talking to each other.
And then she watches me on stage i watch
her on stage she came up to me after uh one of my sets at the laughing tap and she basically said
hey no she came up to me before and she said hey do you think you can do five minutes do you have a strong five minutes and i'm like yeah i got a
strong five minutes i'm i got strong plenty minutes and she's like well do it for me tonight
and maybe i'll book you so now i had to go up there like maybe i'll get booked yeah toss here
what's going on, dog? I'm on contact. All right, see ya.
Oh, I needed that.
Yeah, so basically when she said that, now I'm like, oh, I hope I do well.
And I managed to do well, so then she booked me on the show that night.
Hey, you're still on the show.
I don't think there's any reason to be upset about that.
I mean, it could be taken away from me at any time,
and I'm ready for disappointment.
You can't think like that.
You've got to think you're going to do it and kill it,
and then you'll do more.
What do you consider your style of comedy to be?
Stories.
Storytelling.
Yeah.
I find myself getting into more, like, my shit may start off really small,
but then as I develop onto it it it turns into a longer story yeah mine's a lot of stories it's just kind of where i'm i mean i like
to talk that's why i do this i've been doing this for over a year now so um yeah stories it's more
fun that way i it's not my style to crack like a random
like dad joke here there or not even a dad joke or like anything that's borderlines upon or
something like that but um and there's nothing wrong with that it's just not who i am i'd much
rather tell like real life personal experiences that i find amusing or or just like comparisons
and like analogies or something.
So I'm like, we'll do that.
But yeah, that'll be my style.
I don't really see, I'm not going to do puppets or whatever in the back.
From my memory of your performances, it's definitely storytelling.
Yeah.
Kind of like your podcasting.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just a lot more short-formed um but yeah it are you dating
anybody no have you ever met an audience member have you ever had an audience member come up to
you and be like hey i really liked your performance yeah i've had a few none that are like do you want
to leave though i've talked to a few afterwards I
talked to like two on and they touch your chest um are you talking from experience for you I'm
just saying it makes me feel good when audience members touch me oh I don't think I don't I don't
think it's like gonna feel bad that someone's expressing interest in you I think that's half
the reason we do what we're doing.
I hope when you get up there, you're like, I hope people like me.
I'm here just to piss all of you off.
I don't know if you're in the right line of work.
Just keeping their attention.
My acting teacher in high school used to say, you can make them angry.
You can make them sad. you can make them laugh.
Just don't bore them.
That's the only rule.
Don't bore them.
No.
We've all done it a few times.
When I hear a room goes completely silent, I just feel so giddy.
I'm like, everybody's listening to me right now even the person in the bathroom is
holding in their piss just to see what shit they can hear what i'm about to say
and i i write jokes sometimes i write like emergency jokes like i hear chatter in the room
i'm going to say something completely fucking random and out of the blue and make you raise your
eyebrow and you're like, what the fuck?
And I want people to stop what they're doing and then look up at the stage like, what the
fuck is this guy talking about?
Yeah.
And if I could be in the middle of a storytelling joke and I hear chatter, I'll just throw the
rest of that joke away and then
I'll pull out an emergency joke.
I've seen a lot of people that are like, well, I'm already halfway through the joke.
I hear the chatter.
I'm just going to ignore the chatter.
Fuck that shit.
It's two different approaches to it because you never know if that's just us.
I mean, when we perform for six people and you see five people talking, yeah, I can see
that.
But if people are talking, I guess you you gotta assume some people might be listening yeah but i really want
the whole i'm trying yeah i know i know you do the whole room chuckle is what i do this shit for
if it could be like even if it's not the whole room chuckle if it's like only the audience
is chuckling and the staff members and the bartenders oh i love it while all the other
comedians are like yeah yeah you you did it you got your you got your laugh you got your five
minutes and yeah it's tough i think i think it's tough my assumption would be like
you're in the open mic level of trying to be a comedian um you're gonna see the same people
five six seven times a week depending on where you are sometimes a day doing the same stuff over
and over and over again surprising not many people are coming in and out of milwaukee right now so then i can understand why sometimes like all right i've
heard this story this joke a bunch of times which is why it's tough when you just do comedians
around here yeah um so i think it's it sucks but i would rather not get a disingenuine laugh from
them either like i think that's worse than not laughing at all.
If you hear someone just going, ha, ha, ha,
because, you know, you're supposed to laugh at that part.
Like, that sucks.
Yeah.
But it also, I feel like, kind of makes you work harder too, though.
You're like, all right, I actually want to get these motherfuckers to laugh.
Let's make them laugh.
Yeah.
Well, also, also, when I walk into the room of comedians, I get eye contact and then their eyes break to look at the floor.
And then I'm like, did you lose something? Or does my eye contact make you feel uncomfortable?
Oh, you just don't want to say hi to me. So I say hi to them.
But, you know, I'm going to break that fucking.
It just.
I feel obligated to say hello to someone if I look them in the eyes.
That's just the way I was raised.
At a minimum, a head nod.
Like, you're across the room and I see you.
I'm not going to walk across and be like, hi, and then go right back.
Like, acknowledge their existence.
I get that.
Like a quick – like you see – like delivery.
Like that's kind of a shitty move.
But I think at a minimum an acknowledgement.
A hi is not always necessary.
Like I said, if I'm – if you were across the street over there, like where you parked and we made eyes, I'm not going to run over and be like, what's up, buddy, and then walk back.
I'm talking about at the list.
Yeah.
Four people at the list.
I walk up to the list.
Everybody's head goes to the fucking wall.
I'm like, I want to say some fucking names right now, but I'm not going to do that.
Yeah, let's not drop names.
some fucking names right now, but I'm not going to do that. Yeah, let's not drop names.
The thing is too,
if you're not here to make friends,
at the same time, that may be... I don't know if it
bothers you or not, but...
The whole thing that bothers
me is I can't tell if it's
about my jokes. I can't tell if it's about
my race because usually I can
just always blame it on my race.
But because you guys
heard some of my jokes where i did in my
the beginning of my fucking uh shit and also i tell some extremely just crazy off the wall shit
sometimes like you know shit that's not even true like i talk about fucking prostitutes and shit and
i am very against that i didn't actually think that one was real but I liked it.
I think a lot of the females
in the room think it may be
real and it's ridiculous
but I am very against
it but it catches
people's attention
when I announce it. I'm proud of it.
It's also an aggressive word.
Oh yeah.
If you're like, I fuck this girl versus I fuck this prostitute, it's got more of a pronunciation.
It's an aggressive word.
People are going to listen to that word over girl.
Prostitute could also be a dude.
Those attention-getting words.
Yeah.
Those are the ones I didn't even offer you.
I'm good.
Okay.
My weed tolerance is so low. I was thinking about what i want to talk about tonight
i might do the first time i actually just got stupid high hey because like i don't really
smoke much although i offered you edibles when you got here um and then so i don't smoke much my tolerance is low but when i do it's fucking
hysterical like i i learned my tendencies like when i can like be high when i can't be high
when is it more fun when i'm high and stuff like that but like yeah i think i might share that
tonight like the first time i just did not know what my threshold was and far exceeded it yeah i just
i just feel like it keeps me peaceful like like i'm not gonna be freaking out by getting cut off
in traffic or being betrayed betrayal's just at every fucking corner do you think you're an anxious
person an anxious person yeah i feel yeah yeah i suppose because if you're an anxious person? An anxious person? Yeah. I feel...
Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.
Because if you're worried about freaking out in traffic,
that's usually you're anxious about either getting there,
making sure it's safe.
Do you not like when people are around you when you drive?
No, it's nothing like that.
I just feel like I'm an angry person in general.
It could be something small.
And it's just a quick trigger?
These fucking Dunkin' Donuts people.
How hard is it to put the fucking coffee up to here,
not overfill the shit,
so it's not dripping onto my motherfucking hand when I grab it?
And then I asked for napkins
all passive-aggressively like oh what the fuck can I get some napkins oh I'm
sorry hey next time how about you not overfill the fucking cup I know your job
as a barista is very fucking hard but how about you not overfill the fucking
shit and then you ever see the dome lids?
Yeah.
Is that for like whipped cream?
Yes.
It's usually women that do this.
They...
And then they slap a dome lid on top of it.
And a little fucking whipped cream dick just...
Right on the top of that shit.
And then I'm like, hey, bitch, can I get a napkin?
And then I wipe off the fucking whipped cream dick
right on the fucking drive-thru floor.
I'd be like, thank you.
Here's your napkin back.
Like that type of aggressive shit
when I could just be like...
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I was going to say, that might be a little aggressive.
You sound like me telling the other guy to fuck off at open mic,
but with everyone who has apparently ever made your coffee.
I mean, it's literally all drive-thru people.
Yeah, it's...
Very rarely have I been like,
oh, these drive-thru people are on point.
I couldn't imagine working a drive...
Well, I don't know
who's more in charge
of making sure
sure the order's right
the people who cook
and then bag it
or like
the drive-thru person
so it's not right
it's not really
the drive-thru person
that's really at fault
also imagine
how many
shitty people
like if you were
the person
on the mic
at McDonald's
how many people
a day do you meet
and how many of them you think are actually fun to talk to meet meet you're not fucking giving
them your name no interactions oh actually sometimes they do give you like hi my name's
elise what can i get you today so but then you like see you in person you're gonna talk to them
you basically meet this person how many of them do you think are actually like good like what if they accidentally overfill your coffee and some
guys like i need a fucking napkin and they're like i've had enough of these people who need
fucking napkins and then by the time they get to you and they do the same thing they're like i've
had enough of your shit and then throw out napkins at you. That's why weed needs to be legal here.
It'll chill everybody out.
I think people would not speed.
I'm just talking shit.
Maybe people would still speed.
I think less people would probably drive.
I wouldn't have to fucking be so pissed off all the time. I'm just like good shit.
I don't know i i lost my train
of thought no you're good do you think you smoke every day i do do i do there's nothing wrong with
that dude yeah we told every story around here possible it doesn't matter you're smoking on the
show who care shout out to my mom and my sisters that may watch this hello y'all um yeah no you're
probably just a little anxious.
And I guess you have a quick trigger for anger.
I think I've dialed.
I get in moods like Sundays.
Do you feel like your social tank is just exhausted?
Like I'm a very talkative person.
It doesn't seem like that right away, the comedians.
But I love interacting with people that by Sunday, I'm like, I want nothing to do with anyone.
And then like little noises will bother me.
Like it's almost making too much noise in the house.
I'm like, would you just turn the fucking sink off?
So I get that, but that's usually when I've had a week of just like, I want to do nothing
for like three hours.
Have you ever lived alone?
Yeah.
It's nice.
I live alone, so I basically leave the house to interact with people that aren't at my job.
I would still do a roommate again.
I also would definitely be fine living alone.
But I think I might prefer like one like when i was in college
i lived in a fraternity for a semester that's too many people that's i mean there was like
20 some guys in a house um that's a lot i've done three roommates and i've done one roommate i think
i would prefer like one or two i could do
just to have like some interaction but like you could still go to your room and just be quiet
um because like it's almost forced interaction it keeps you on your toes where it's like i don't
know if i'd quite yet me being by myself i'm like i gotta go somewhere to talk to someone
and someone i might not even like or i gotta go find my friends where I can just be in my own house
and interact I think I'm there right now
right
I want to try this
so we got my brother
this a while
ago and it's
literally like cause my brother's
that's why I asked him for the lighter he's
big into his
smokes but it's these questions that you're supposed to just ask when you're high That's why I asked him for the lighter. He's big into his smokes.
But it's these questions that you're supposed to just ask when you're high.
All right.
And so I think I'm just going to pick out a few.
We're going to do like one or two at random.
Just because I really want to try this out. Like mind fuck, here's one.
No, never mind.
That one's dumb.
Oh, yeah. try this out like mind fuck here's one um no never mind that one's done oh yeah what do you think came first the color or the fruit orange fruit you think the fruit came first and then we called it an orange but then we call
the color orange yeah so you call the color orange. Yeah.
So you think the color orange is because we named,
is orange is because we named the fruit orange.
Yes.
That makes sense.
I like that answer.
Because fruits have always been here since Adam and Eve.
But so having, like having colors as well.
I mean, naming colors was after the fruit.
Fair.
I believe.
Well, we don't really know.
Unless God named it.
Everything just had like a label.
He had like a label maker for Adam and Eve.
I don't think God spoke English.
Whatever he spoke, spoke, spoke.
He's still at a label.
All right. We're done with that.
Let's see.
I feel like I just gave
an accurate answer to that shit.
It might be.
We could post something. I'll post this
on TikTok or whatever and
there'll be like a hundred people like,
no, it was definitely the color.
What statistic
would you most want to know about yourself?
How much money I've made throughout my whole life up to this point.
Like even when you're like a child?
Because usually as an adult, they have pretty good records.
Like money I've stolen.
Oh, okay.
Like even as a child, like even the money i've stolen
if i accumulated it or if i've never spent it i want to see how much money did you make before
like job started keeping track of it and shit yeah i don't know what i would do like what stat
do i want to know how many days you'll live no i don't want to know i like and people ask like would you if you could
know how you died would you want to know and be like no because the off chance it's something
common like sleep i died in my sleep every time you went to bed you'd be like this could be it
or like skydiving and you're like you'll never skydive. But at some point, you know you're gonna skydive.
So then when you skydive,
you're like,
I'm gonna die right now.
Yeah,
but then you could completely
avoid that shit forever.
No,
because if they tell,
if you knew how you're gonna die,
and I told you it was skydiving,
and you're like,
fine,
I'll just never go skydiving.
Well,
you have to die.
So you know at some point,
you're gonna skydive.
You're gonna be forced to go skydive.
Exactly, which is going to be even fucking worse.
You're going to be on a plane that's going down,
and they're going to be like,
you have to jump off this bitch with a parachute.
I can't do that.
That's the way I die.
Exactly.
Exactly.
What else have we got in here?
Okay, if you got too high one night and you disappeared, where do you think we would in here? Okay, if you got too high
one night and you disappeared,
where do you think we would find you?
Like, where do you think your body,
like, you were so high, you're not you.
Where do you think you would just go?
I would go to
Illinois.
To get more high.
For legal weed.
I don't know.
Where would I disappear to in Milwaukee?
I'd say the hood.
Oh, Pottawatomie is a nice place to disappear to.
There you go.
So we're going to find you at the casino.
At the casino.
I'd probably be in a grocery store.
You're wandering around the grocery store what aisle the pasta aisle no it'd either be like the deli bakery area you're italian no well it doesn't
but this is a pasta aisle of course well and then i like that i'm like what's all uncooked so i
definitely go deli bakery um who is calling me right now now oh do you know what fuzz yeah so good
but hot sauce in there I found my spot right by the high note it's kind of
close to the high note I was I was eating pho and I was right by the window
I saw a prostitute get into someone's car. I was like, oh, this is a nice view.
I get to eat this Vietnamese noodles while watching the scenery of the hood.
I had it for the first time in college.
My freshman year.
It's one of those, like, pho is pronounced, it's spelled P-H-O, like pho.
So I got in an argument. i call it pho yeah yeah
but like i got into argument with someone um and they're like no it's definitely fun like i don't
believe me like it's fun you get to the restaurant you're like i'll have a bowl pho and they're like
it's fun like really is it okay white boy yeah we get you get you far you like fried rice too like yes, please
We'll do
one mind fuck I
Don't know these are some of these suck if I'm being honest with you.
Let me think if I can think of one.
Okay, here's one.
Kind of like the statistic.
So let's say money can't be the answer,
like how much money they've made. but if a number appeared above everyone's
head what would be the funniest thing that number could represent about them
money in their bank account just said it can't be money oh god damn it yeah i was thinking about
the comedians because i think there's some people that don't save their...
Not money.
Let me not say dick size.
Let me not say fucking, you know...
Number of shoes they wear.
I mean, number of pairs of shoes they own.
I think it'd be funny, like like for guys to be like how many times
they've masturbated that day so you like you walk i'm like damn my fucker real freaky this morning
oh yeah that would if it's like that's a good one like 8 a.m and they're at two already like
how early were you or was this like a late night thing yeah that's a good one yeah i would not want
that number like my eye.
Don't touch me.
Don't shake my hand, Simba.
I think it'd be, yeah, get the fuck away from me.
I think it'd be cool if that number represented something different every day.
But yours was like, so my number I saw above everyone's head today would be how many times they've masturbated.
But you saw something different number.
But you never know what number you're representing is for other people.
So like you can't like just not jerk off for a day.
Just be like I'm a zero today.
I'm a zero.
That just like it's you never know what you're representing.
I think that'd be hysterical. That shit reminded me of Death Note.
You ever see Death Note?
Oh fuck I'm a nerd for bringing up Death Note. I barely know Death Note. Scratch that. Edit that out. I don't know what of Death Note. You ever see Death Note? Oh, fuck. I'm a nerd for bringing up Death Note.
I barely know Death Note.
Scratch that.
Edit that out.
I don't know.
What is Death Note?
What is it?
It's some anime shit.
They made a live action movie for Netflix, but it used to be an anime TV show where a
boy is gifted a notebook from a demon.
And it comes with a demon and all he has to do
to kill somebody is write their name how they die and then this demon makes it
happen and then he has to he has to write a name in the book every day and
if he doesn't do it for three days the the notebook is gifted to another kid and he loses
the power to kill somebody but he has to kill somebody damn near every day and it's a good
it's a good little flick i kind of like that and then there's a cop named q
um that is onto this boy with the notebook and he's like oh i think you i think he has to know your name
to kill you and he would kill people he saw on tv he would just be yeah he would be watching
the news like oh let me kill this guy jumps off a building and then the detective is like hey
i'm on to this person and kill me right now.
He gets on TV.
He's like, kill me right now if you can do it.
And then the kid does it.
But he's like, oh, Q isn't his real name.
Q is just a little some shit to distract him.
Yeah.
And Q finds out like, oh, he needs your name in order to kill you
this is this is dope shit but it's also nerdy because it's anime it's like anime is so big now
everyone likes i'm like i've never really watched it um so i would have never known that was an
anime but like it's huge culture now. I swear
every athlete interview I see,
I'm watching anime when I get home.
I don't even know how people get
into it because I don't know where people watch it.
Fuck.
I mean, American animation?
Like BoJack Horseman.
God, that shit
is gold.
But anime from Japan? i could go without it i don't know did you see did you see squid games i did not know oh dude i tried in pop culture uh yeah
so i'm terrible with that so like i'll just put if i'm doing stuff like i have like when i edit
this i'll put on like seinfeld in the background. Even though I've seen through it once or twice,
I just like noise.
I don't necessarily feel like
I have the time to sit down and watch shows
sometimes.
Squid Games is a good...
The first episode is slow.
Yeah, so that's my biggest issue too.
Because I tried, and I watched the first
15 minutes. I was like, this sucks.
Even though as someone who studied film in college,
I know they're just building characters, but I'm like, I can't get through it.
Well, the guy is basically shown like, oh, he lives with his mom.
His mom is like, hey, make sure you get your daughter a birthday present today.
And he's like, oh, you're only going to give me a hundred bucks for my daughter's birthday present
and then he steals her debit card
this guy's a schmuck
and then
his mom doesn't trust him
she changed the password of the
card to his daughter's
birthday he still guesses it
but he takes that money
goes to the racetrack
wins
but he owes money to these fucking loan sharks and they beat his ass.
Oh, it's a great fucking.
Yeah, I just, I have, I still will probably watch it.
It'll just be like way later than like, it took me forever to watch Stranger Things.
things um i got into i almost said lord of the rings game of thrones um in like the sixth season maybe like right before the sixth season started i think i've seen most of the harry potter films
but i could tell you nothing about them i've never seen a twilight series i've never seen
like there's a lot of stuff i just like i don't how old are you
25 25 dude i'm surprised you weren't into harry potter when that shit was going down
well i've enjoyed the first two and then i think it was just i was younger though so my attention
span was just i didn't like it well i know i liked it but And I've re-watched them, but I could not tell you any of the storyline.
Besides, he walks through a train wall.
The Sorcerer's Stone, the very first movie.
But I don't even know what the Stone does.
You know what?
When you say it like that, I don't know either.
Exactly.
And I consider myself a fucking fan.
What does it do?
I guarantee you there are so many of those people
Who post about Harry Potter all the time
If I was like
What does the Sorcerer's Stone do?
They'd be like
And the second one
The Chamber of Secrets
What's the secret?
What's the third one?
What's the name of the third one?
I don't even know
I don't know how many there are
I think there are eight
Ask a man of the Phoenix.
What's the Phoenix?
Like, I know some of the names, too.
It's like you just questioned the titles of the shit.
It's, I could tell you who the,
Ron, Harry, and Hermione, Hagrid, Dumbledumbledore and then I think I know
who Voldemort is
is it the guy with no nose
this is gonna piss off
so many
Dumbledore is
the giant
uh
fucking
who's
Voldemort is the guy
with no nose
okay
the one that shall not be spoken
well we've spoken
at it a few times
on here
I'm not afraid
um but yeah I've missed out on well I haven't missed out on it The one that shall not be spoken. Well, we've spoken at it a few times on here. I'm not afraid.
But yeah, I've missed out on... Well, I haven't missed out on it.
I just don't remember it.
You know the chick that played Hermione
has an OnlyFans now, dog?
Ooh.
Are you sure it's really her?
No, I've made that up completely.
I was like, what?
I like making up rumors about celebrities. Yeah, i was like what i like making up uh rumors about celebrities yeah i was like i
don't know if i really i'm not i wasn't gonna go look it up either um i was just trying to put that
into the ether good we can just i could play along and just pick up another celebrity i'd be like oh
yeah i totally agree and then we'll just move on i'll put that i'll send it to you you can put it out there oh yeah um so we'll
actually wrap this up here because we're approaching an hour here soon um awesome man
um so i ask one serious question at the very end um for each episode each season um
this one um basically is i dude i freaked i thought my garage door was closing
I could hear that one closing
so basically the question is
what do you live by
what do I live by
has there ever been a quote
you've heard from anything
movie, book, podcast, tv show
that like
that's a good way to go through life
is there just like a a family motto you have
any like what if you had one thing to say that like makes you tick get up in the morning just
be you what would it be uh i'd say a quote would probably be um you're all the things that are wrong with you
it's not the alcohol
it's not the drugs
it's not the fucked up things
that happened to you
during your career
or when you were a kid
it's you
it's you Bojack
you ended that with Bojack
and that's from Bojack Horseman
but my family
has always taught me that no matter what you do, even if you're a toilet cleaner, be the best fucking toilet cleaner.
Yeah.
And I'm trying to be the best fucking toilet cleaner.
Yeah.
As a metaphor.
I want to be the best fucking toilet cleaner as well.
Yeah, I said it on here.
fucking toilet cleaner as well yeah i said it on here um but mine was a quote that said uh people who actually listen this far into this will hear this like for the ninth time but
uh a man lives two lives and his second starts when he realizes he has just one
so just basically like when you finally realize this is finite, you kind of really kick your life into gear and start doing a lot more.
Just kind of like this and stand up for me.
It's like, you're like, why?
For me, it was like, I've been going through motions.
It's time to have more of a direction.
I'm like, all right.
So that felt good.
And that's kind of where the whole question thing came from too.
Oh, yeah.
So we're going to the high note?
We are.
Do you have any last things you want to say?
Promote your show one more time.
Yeah, please come to the Dark Comedy Show hosted by Maria Acosta.
January 14th.
And we are selling tickets.
Look up Maria Acosta's page. Look up Maria Costa's page.
My page is Andrew Matthews.
My stage name is Simba Matthews.
Thank you.
Of course.
Off to the high note here, son.
Thank you, dog.