Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.64 - Jack Cerasoli

Episode Date: October 13, 2022

Tim Allen IS Christmas

Yep. And then just talk into the top of it. Just talk right here, just like this? Yeah, just like that. I did it. It's pretty easy. Yeah, I think I figured it out. I think I got it figured out.

Two podcasts in a row. No, I was saying I don't care about the aesthetic, and it's worked out. Yeah, it is. It used to be in my mom's garage. I remember that, yeah. That was sick. No, this place has got an aesthetic on its own, though.

I mean, the first thing I said when I walked in here was like, where's the bag of cash? And you have a bag of cash. Which is so ridiculous. Yeah, I counted it the other day. It's way more money than, actually it's not a lot of money. There's about $25 in there.

Yeah, there's no money. It is way more than it should be. There was a lot of cash in that thing like so i was like i cannot believe it like this is so spot on with this place do you want to know how like my mindset is too is i have the big bills on the inside and the singles on the outside and my girl was like you need to deposit it i was like well at least i have the singles on the outside he goes she's like it barely fits in that ziploc bag do you think anyone's gonna be like oh it's just ones and

then leave even if that was just a stack of ones it's like several hundred dollars it's at least 200 hours of ones that's like such a great night at silk i think brandon's trying to fuck with us right now oh yeah yeah yeah he yeah he found out that He found out that I was here and he was pissed. Go ahead. Say what you want to say. I started a podcast to go to your podcast. B.

B, I was right in the middle of this. I was right in the middle of it. And honestly, I don't know how I feel about that, that he doesn't care about our success and he's just like, you know what? I'm going to the Selena Gomez podcast. That's going to be a great clip for the podcast, buddy.

Thanks. You're not making it any better for yourself. Dude, I already had to reschedule. I felt bad, like, moving it back more. Couldn't do it on Fridays. We're going to have a 10-minute episode, because Jack's like, I gotta go to That's so not true. If you would have

recorded all of it. Well, we're going to have about an hour, so Ask what happened to the recording. I hoped you were in the middle of it when I called. Oh, you are. We're two minutes and 34 seconds in. Perfect. Right at the beginning.

Nice intro for you there you go I'll tag you in this yeah no you broke it Fat Chance has some beef we will hopefully yours went

pretty good too I almost threw up see ya see ya buddy juice shotgun that was perfect yeah that was great that was

that was such a perfect time for it no I I came into this fully ready to just fucking talk so much shit where it would be 45 minutes of unusable footage. Of this one? Yeah.

Go for it. Because Brandon was like, dude, I'm so pissed right now. I was like, should I just talk shit the whole time? That's why I wore the sunglasses. That's why I wore the sunglasses. Because I can't look you in the eyes when I'm doing it. I feel too bad. You were so nice that I was late.

You're drinking my warm bud lights like they're nice. Yeah, honestly, I think the ones I put in the eyes when I'm doing it. I feel too bad. You were so nice that I was late. You're drinking my warm Bud Lights like they're nice. Yeah, honestly, I think the ones I put in the fridge would be the same temperature. We can try it out. We'll try it out. We'll test it. We'll go to the fridge beers after this. We'll test it. I was like, we're trying to figure out some beef we're going to start.

And I think Brandon just did it. I think he just did it. I think the beef is between you two, not with me. Yeah, I think we're fighting. He was not happy with me. I was like, I already rescheduled. I got to go go i'm sorry but if he would have recorded if he didn't if his camera didn't die if he didn't have like a 30 minute timer on his camera if i'm being honest with you

i completely forgot we were doing this day until you texted me you're still on i was like oh shit i forgot i said tuesday oh i'm here it worked out i was like honestly i'm glad because work is booty cheeks right now. Is it? Yeah. Oh, my God. We have new owners. Honestly, they might actually look this up.

So I love them. I need a raise. Give them a raise. Yeah. It's just I've never. I understand people with like shitty, shitty jobs now. Yeah. Because I was like, I want a beer.

Oh, dude. At like 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's a Tuesday Because I was like, I want a beer. Oh, dude. At like two o'clock in the afternoon. It's a Tuesday. I'm like, I need a beer right now. I was like, oh, fuck. When I go home for lunch, I take my dog out. I have always like, like a six pack in the fridge. Every time I open the fridge to make lunch, that beer looks so promising.

So enticing. Like, you know what? I could just start drinking right now. You know what? This is a work is texting me like that's those bananas yeah it's one of my trainers also all the phone calls go right to my phone now everything that goes to the gym goes right to my phone i got one like five o'clock in the morning the other day i was like wheeling dealing over there i was like fuck what is what you're wheeling dealing over there i know i need it i

need two phones you're a company man now i'm a corporate fuck now yeah i hate it they were they would be like hey you get a you get sales bonuses now do you yeah but they're the way they sell memberships or so yeah the way or training they're like the way they're describing it's like in my head all i heard is if you're a good little boy you can have a piece of candy when you get home i was like fuck that yeah yeah i'm in kind of the same same boat with my my because i just got a new job this summer and uh i like it it's like a good time i'm like learning a lot and it's like challenging but with uh there's like a couple things here and there that just fucking grind my gears and i just have to be like professional Jack. And the thing is, like no one at that office knows what I'm actually like.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. So it's like I just say you like will never see the side of me. And like you talked to me about my weekend. I have to be like, oh, yeah, I was pretty chill. I took the dog out, had diarrhea. Like that's like my highlight of the week. It's like, no, let me tell you, dude.

I got I got blacked out at a Packer game. I got cut off and kicked up because I called the bouncer a stinker. That's what happened to me. I have that. Although, the people at the gym were starting to – I left for Madison once to go do comedy on state. Yeah, yeah. And instead of me just, like, dipping out, I showered there.

I put on real clothes. I drove straight from there. And some of the regulars, I'd walk past them. walk past them like you look different in non-workout clothes i was like yeah like why are you like this right now i was like i'm going to madison to perform like perform what and like i'm like stand-up comedy like shut the fuck up like not in a million years we have guessed that i was like, yeah. Like,

are you good? I go, I don't know. We're going to go find out right now. I'll tell you at like 1130 when I'm driving home and I'm trying not to run into a median. That's what's happening. Oh my,

not running into a meeting. Cause I'm like drunk, but running into a medium because I'm sad with my set. That's what I mean. My, my last time I went to mass and my car broke down. No fucking way. It's just, my God, the text from from my dad today it is finally done getting fixed uh and they fix it for free under warranty oh i remember you telling me that brand new engine

wow what a hoodwink that was it was yeah i don't know how it happened that or for some reason my dad's like you know i'll just fork over the six grand actually i know my dad not a snowball's chance in hell he did that well let's take it on the warranty perfect but yeah i don't know how to go get it now i might just leave the truck i've been using down there i'm like you can light this on fire oh you it's in madison no it's in uh racine oh i'm not terrible yeah but it's also like hey buddy you want to drive me to the you want to drive me to the garage? Yeah. Pick up my car?

It's a tough ask. It's a nice 30-minute drive. Yeah, it's like asking someone to bring you to the airport. Or pick you up from the airport. The airport? Yeah. What's worse, taking someone to or picking them up? Taking someone to.

Because picking up, most of the time, they're visiting you. So most of the time, you pick them up from the airport and bring them straight out of the party. But if you're dropping someone off, they always have shitty flight times. It's always like 5 a.m. OK, then let's preface this. It's it's your roommate. Yeah. And you're either dropping them off or picking them up and they're not hanging out with you.

They're not coming to visit you. It's just like, hey, I need someone to take me to the airport. So I don't have a 30 dollar Uber. it depends on what time dropping them off is that because i can pick them up and i'll be like i'm picking you up at this time yes pickup for me is always i don't know i feel like everyone that drop off time it's early and something you know what i'll just start my day early it's always super early or super late yeah so you know what like that's how i might i'll just take you to the airport i'll go back yeah and go to bed or you know i'll just start my morning early pick up for some reasons like dude i get it at 11 today i'm sorry i just

took like two vacation days i get an 11 can you take off work for an hour to come get me and take me home fuck no if they're hanging out with me absolutely and i'll take off and not go back to work from the pickup point same if i'm like all right my vacation starts now too once i get you from the airport yeah pickup is usually if you're not hanging out with them no no i'll bring you back i thought about when my roommate got back from denver last night and him and i both just won't text each other like hey can you pick us up we both would right but there's a respect there there's a respect there it's like you're probably like i know you're off work i know you're at home you could just like eat and then come get me but like that's the last thing you want to do you get off

work 10 hours eat you're sitting down like all right now i gotta get my car out of the lot again i drive 20 minutes oh welcome to the world dude bright as shit that's so bright dude i was like looking at myself i was like man my my like shorts are riding up my crotch i can't be doing that and have my sunglasses on um that's how i got my first couple hundred thousand views is my shorts being way too tight really yeah i had i had a blur these pink legs dude i had to blur i Look at these pink legs. Dude, I had to blur. I like the gut that's hanging out too. Show them a little bit. Just let them know what's going on. I had to blur out my nuts for clips.

You actually had to blur out your nuts? Dude, my shorts were so small. Like, I bought them smaller, just like five-inch ones. But they were cheap, so they shrunk. And I was like, but if you wear them long enough, they, like, stretch out. And then they're perfect again. Yeah, yeah. I put them on, and I wasn't even thinking and i like was sitting like this

gray shorts you saw it wasn't even just a bulge you saw the outline like you saw the testicles the dick lean into the left oh and when you know which direction it's facing yeah and so i blurred it out and i had a spotted cow beer here and i was like I couldn't tell if I got views from the all the comments were either uh beer balls or funny story dude and I was like I think most of it's from the comments we got like they would go to the YouTube version like we came here for the no blur disappointed I'm like do you think I blurred it out on TikTok and not YouTube get out of here it's behind a paywall see me on OnlyFans what do you's behind a paywall. It's me on OnlyFans. What do you do on OnlyFans?

What am I doing on OnlyFans? Whatever you'd want to do. But everyone knows exponentially you would make more money if you... Fuck. Yeah. No, I've had... I tried turning that into a bit.

I couldn't do porn. My biggest fear of doing porn would be that someone would recognize me oh yeah oh and you're the and you can't do it i can't do it either tattoos yeah this is so specific yeah to like a certain group of people this like weird value that if someone saw that yeah they'd be like and even if i put just like a patch here and people would be like that's a weirdly specific patch those legs look kind of familiar yeah absolutely and what is i don't know if that says more about my friends that know my legs that well or the position of

my tattoo but i couldn't do it no i i don't think i could do it just specifically because i'm not able to perform under pressure. Yeah. I'm not a big... My sex drive is pretty low as it is. It gets higher when I avoid porn for a long time or when I like to work out more. But when I'm... Working out is big for me. Yeah.

Every time I get done working out, I have to jerk off immediately. Otherwise, I'm a rage monster, dude otherwise a little one-handed cardio dude it's like okay i'm getting home i'm gonna shower i have to do it right now i have to do it right now i can't because otherwise i'm just fucking i i think i'm i'm definitely horny after i work out oh yeah i don't know if i need to jerk if i jerked off every time I worked out, I would have been fired. You're not doing it at work. You're not doing it at work. After I finished my work. Oh, there goes Michael.

Took the paper towel into the bathroom. Where's the lotion? We run out of soap real quickly in that far bathroom. Speaking of which, I need to fill the soap in the bathroom. Yeah, now I just got to monitor weird shit. I'm like, oh, we used to have cleaners. Now it's just me. You're a cleaner?

No, I don't know. The cleaner's supposed to show up Tuesdays and Thursdays. It was Tuesday today and no cleaner. And the other cleaner, I've seen him once or twice. So few times that in my time there, every time he comes up to me, he's like, what'sael i'm like who are you yeah he goes it's kyle man i go perfect i thought you were white and then he's like i didn't say that i was in another time i swear to god it wasn't like i'm like i think there's just people being like oh i work here you could easily do that like i got hired as a nighttime cleaner yeah sorry man i'm like cool first time you did it it was just in the back room and i thought he was trying to steal

inventory and i was like where does your gym have it would like protein shakes and all that shit and i'm like what are you doing back here man he goes i'm just grabbing mops i'm like he's a weird guy trying to like steal shit like mops and mops. And then he just started cleaning. I was like, oh, maybe like he's really buying into this. He's buying. He's undercover. He's like, yeah, the old owner is like, he just reduces my rate if I clean twice a week at nights for like 20 minutes. I'm like, okay.

I mean, it's less than I got to do. Yeah, for sure. Don't take anything. Absolutely. It's nice. Do you think an ad? I i was worried do you think an ad will pop up no it'll tell you when the ad they're supposed to pop up i know but do you think one will pop up on this video because this is a video is playing right now it's not paused yeah but if you pause it right now tell us what the ads are no ads no ads yeah this thing does not it's got 31 million views i saw that and no ads though no ads they're not making any any money off this 31 million views

imagine how long it took to upload that 24-hour video yeah i love look like if I had a different setup or like I'd start looking up shit I like to play the game on like Instagram like all right how many followers does this account have like more less than 10,000 like bullseye dartboards you know I'm talking about like at bars yeah yeah how many followers do you think that account would have oh no way more than it's probably got 60 000 followers it was like in my head i'm like why would anyone follow a dartboard 60 000 it would i think it was at like 52 or 25 or something i'm like because there's pro dart players i know but like bullseye and nike are two completely different things but Yeah, but Nike has more than 52,000. Yeah. True, true. Just a little, though.

Yeah. Like 52 million. Yeah. So, like, all those, like, niche. But what I was going to get at is, like, how many subscribers do you think that channel has? Honestly, probably, like, 30. I bet it's, like, 1,200.

Should we check? Do you mind dropping the quality? We'll drop the quality. I don't care. $1,200. Should we check? Do you mind dropping the quality? We'll drop the quality. I don't care. Canned are fun. Canned are fun. I can't even click on their profile. You're going to have to go to search or something like that.

I'm not searching canned are fun. I'll do it on my fucking phone. I'm not doing it on there. Canned are fun. If they have, like I guarantee you they have more than, I mean, everyone's got more than everyone in Milwaukee besides Charlie Barron's, but Kandar Fun, my bet, 1.2. Holy shit. 1.2?

Yeah. 1.2 million? It's in the millions? No, no, no. No, 1,000. 55.9K. See? Never.

89 videos and they're all 9 hours and 30 minutes of pure black screen. 20 hours and 30 minutes of pure black screen in HD. That's what it says. In HD. Dude. And it's got, it's like hour marks. So it's like 14 hours, 30 minutes, 15 hours, 30 minutes, 16 hours, 30 minutes. This is so, he has to be making

some money from this though i don't know i mean it's not a whole lot of work this one okay this nine hours and 30 minutes of pure black screen in 720p that's this that's so funny that it has one of them it has nine hours and 30 minutes of pure black screen in hd and then this one's a 720p 720p was posted nine days ago and everything else was posted three years ago. Do you think if this was 720, you could tell if it was HD then? Absolutely not. But before this, he did a lot of marble runs.

What are marble runs? Like, you know, like the marbles. Remember when you were a kid and they had like marble tubes and you just put marbles down it? Like the black tubing you made roller coasters? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that.

That's what they used to post. The ultimate dankest MLG adventure. So this is like 13. Illuminati confirmed 2015 proving the existence of Illuminati. It's a Dorito bag with Obama smoking a blunt with lightning in his eyes. And the rest of it's marble runs again. Oh, and Beyblades. Beyblades.

Beyblades. Did you ever do Beyblades? I did not. I did not. I think I had one or two, but I never really battled. Like the Coliseum. You never had the arena. Yeah, yeah.

Never did that. You just put them on the counter and hope they don't fall off. Oh, yeah. I've gone down the rabbit hole on Beyblades on tiktok tiktok puts me in weird spots really yeah i'll go i went deep on beyblades i did i went deep on um uh pimple popping videos i went deep on uh oh there's this guy that wears a jason mask and he does asmr and i just like watching this guy in the jason mask do it because he's like this like chunky hispanic dude, but he's wearing a Jason mask and he's like rubbing things over a microphone. It looks like very like phallic.

And it's like this guy like acting tough, but like just like jerking off a microphone. Yeah, but he's like jerking off a microphone. It's like. Interesting. So I watched a lot of those. Oh, and watching people do crossword scratch offs I've watched hours of that oh and oysters getting pearls out of oysters

yeah those are interesting I watched a lot of those I got into the pimple popping one my Instagram like for you thing was all zits for a while do you need to get rid of it because I have such a bad gag reflex where i'll like legitimately throw up gag it's frustrating okay cool where am i had like

you'll see one where like i've had a pimple like that before i'm like i know exactly how to pop it and then they don't pop it or the ones where they're trying to pull a hair out and it's like they're just like pulling they keep missing it and missing i'm like maybe if you wipe the pus off of it wouldn't be so fucking slippery. Like this could be a two second video, but instead you're just like. That's all they get the views though. I know. And I sit through it.

Cause I'm like, I can't, it's one that you can't fast forward through. I'm like, fuck. Yeah. I haven't gotten into any other weird. I got a tick tock started showing me like paranormal stuff recently. Fuck it. Fuck out of here with that. Really?

Get the fuck out of here with that. We there's a video we were talking about this weekend that I would show it to you, but I refuse to have it on my phone. Is that spooky? The only reason I preface this. Yeah. When I watch scary movies, I look right above the TV the entire movie i watch scary movies i look right above the tv the entire movie two hours i look right above the tv just so my friends don't think i'm a pussy

and so i just pretend to watch i just go like this because then i don't see anything that's how much i fucking hate scary movies paranormal shit i can't i will laugh at parts right before i know it's gonna be scary just to like dull it yeah oh but these two girls at the bonfire um like yeah they're gonna i don't know how they start talking about paranormal stuff like coming from playing for my butt with my buddy's uh two-year-old like yeah there's this like ghost in my friend's apartment and they showed you this video yeah i'm like it's not their friend like they know of one girl knew of the girl and then the other girl's like i know them or i know a girl who is friends with them kind of thing yeah and apparently you know that ring game where you on it's on a string and you toss it tries to like you'd be on the hook yes it has nothing to do with the ring don't worry okay

i that was my house like if this thing just starts moving i think that'd be kind of cool i'd also be like there's some fishing line somewhere but they're playing it and i tried to debunk it and i i kind of can kind of can't but they're pre-gaming they're playing this game and she takes a video and she pans over and she misses and then they just they post it and they go out and they woke up the next morning with like who the fuck is in your apartment because when they pan over like imagine they like pan here and you just see like a person walk into their room like no feet nightgown short black hair just into their room i'm like and my no my buddies are like no they're like scrolling side to side like she just appears out of the fucking wall now i was like okay this could easily be faked easily be faked like no

she moved out like they both moved out of the apartment right away right after that yeah they showed apparently according to them they showed their landlord immediately, and they're like, we're leaving now. Okay. I was like, all right. That's true, and they actually left, and their lease wasn't up, so it wasn't convenient timing. Yeah, and they had to probably pay out a certain amount, like a month and a half's rent.

Now, how many girls do you know pregame with just two of them playing the ring toss game? Not many. Usually it's like 75 girls. Usually it's like at least four. At least four. Music's playing. Music's playing loud.

No music was playing. Lizzo playing hard. Like there was barely anything. There was no like artsy decor, nothing. I was like. If there wasn't pastels, it's not real. I was like, yeah, it's the only thing that I bought it. Like I would be like, I'd buy into this.

If they're like, hey, it's halfway through our lease. Yeah. And or three quarters way through our lease. And this happened and we are like, we're out. And they actually moved out. Like, all right, that's a little. That's believable. That's a little believable.

Because no one's just going to go pay that, especially in college. But Google Pre-Games are so ridiculous. They make t-shirts. But I sent it to my girlfriend. I was like, there's no way I want this on my phone. So I had my buddy send it to her. I was like, it's a little creepy. Yeah.

What'd she say? What'd your girl say? She's like, I'm deleting it off my phone right now. It's so spooky. Because you don't want to invite that. I watched a Dahmer that night, too. And a horror movie say? She's like, I'm deleting it off my phone right now. It's so spooky. Like, you don't want to invite that. She just watched a Dahmer that night, too. And or a horror movie. And she's like, what the fuck?

Yeah, you do not want to invite that into your house. Like, you just want to ignore that something's happening. Until it actually happens, then you can't ignore it. But I just pretend that there's no such thing as demons. And I fully believe that there probably are. People think ghosts or whatever is like people that just haven't crossed over into either heaven or hell, like purgatory kind of thing. So that if you're a ghost, you're just kind of like up for grabs.

Some people hang out, but some people are mean. Yeah. If you were a ghost, would you haunt people? I think I'd pull fun pranks. Yeah. Like I think I'd be like, oh, this isn't where you thought your underwear was. Like, I'd take all their underwear out of their underwear drawer and put it somewhere else. Would you go back and, like, haunt bullies, though?

Like, just scare the shit out of them? I was a bully. Well, let's say you die. Let's get morbid for a second. You die, all right? You have, like, two daughters. Yeah. Okay?

And you're a ghost. You're allowed to watch whatever they're doing and they get bullied at school would you not go to that kid's house and just scare the living shit out of them yes yeah i would i would do one of those things where like you pull on their leg and they look back and there's nothing they turn back and you're right there yeah well i think i would i would i would do that kind of stuff but I'm I know I'm gonna die sooner than the rest of my yeah I mean my just what you're sitting down there here I don't think I know I'm gonna die early but I feel like

by the time I die my kids are gonna be adults enough where I don't have to worry about him you don't mean so I don't think I'm gonna I don't have to worry about them. You know what I mean? So I don't think I'm going to haunt in that way. I feel like most ghosts are from a long time ago. I don't think there's any recent ghosts hanging around. I think a lot of the crazy shit that happens. Yeah, why are ghosts always colonial? Yeah, they're always colonial. They are.

They are always colonial. That's so fucking true because of the witch trials. I bet it's from the witch trials. So they're actually witches. No, it's just of the witch trials. So they were actually witches? No, it was just the people who were like, dude, I wasn't a witch. And they all saw it,

but they only found out after I died because they'd be like, hey, let's try rocks for a feat and if she drowns, she's not a witch. What if like hell was real and the people that accused people

of being witches and got them killed when they died, they became actual ghosts and witches. Like this is your punishment. You can't get it anywhere you're just being a

fucking creep then they would be haunting everyone that would be probably those are the worst type of people to have to haunt because it's just like

that's why ghosts are scary witch hunters are this isn't meant to be political witch hunters are cancel culture people like modern day witch hunters yeah like the people back culture people like modern day

witch hunters yeah like the people back then yeah like modern day now there's a witch anything you don't like

you're like oh no tattletale yeah that's what it is it's like oh she knows math like fuck

oh no boogly boogly booglies yeah oh no she's like great at baking pies like that's bad that tastes good

Yeah Nothing I've ever had Has tasted this good What the fuck She's like blueberry I just put sugar in it See I just loaded up sugar I found sugar yeah

Yeah Ghosts the paranormal scares me Like a traditional Horror film Doesn't do a whole lot for me No I could watch Anything based off biblical More paranormal Like real life kinda horror film doesn't do a whole lot for me. No, I could watch... Anything based off biblical

or paranormal, like real life kind of... It's more grounded reality as opposed to like Freddy Krueger. Exactly. Or Jason, where it's like a zombie man is coming and killing people,

but he's also kind of ghostly. But if it's something that's like the paranormal activity movies, those things scared the shit out of me for a while. Or like the... What is it? I just... Typical Halloween movie. Is it justlloween or i don't know what halloween is the one with

jamie lee curtis which is why i'm not afraid because she was in freaky friday yeah but the ones where like you don't even see anyone get murdered where it just like the killer goes in and then it cuts to like a wide shot of the house in here. Oh, yeah. Those aren't scary. This isn't scary. Yeah. Monsters, nothing. It's the rooted in real life. Yeah.

Oh, she's possessed. That type of shit is scary. When you see Jamie Lee Curtis running on a hallway with a crossbow and saying, I'm going to get you, you bastard. Like, you're just like, hey, Jamie. Like, you know what I mean? Like, there's nothing serious about that. But when you're like like, watching, like, some creepy girl, like, kind of float because she's possessed and, like, murder her whole family.

Children. Yeah. Haunted children are scary as hell. Do you see Halloween Town 2? Not Halloween Town. Hocus Pocus 2? Do you watch that yet? I don't think I've seen Hocus Pocus 1.

If you didn't watch Hocus Pocus 1 when you were a kid, you're not going to appreciate Hocus Pocus 2. I'm not a big fan of Hocus Pocus 1. My girl is. So we're going to watch Hocus Pocus 1 when you were a kid, you're not going to appreciate Hocus Pocus 2. I'm not a big fan of Hocus Pocus 1. My girl is. So we're going to watch Hocus Pocus 2, I think. They were talking about the bonfire this past weekend, too. I was like, I love Christmas is my thing where I buy into the movies and all that. What are the best Christmas movies? You want me to rank?

Top five. Top five. Number one, Santa Claus, Tim Allen. Hell yes. I'm all in on that. Number two, Santa Claus 2, Tim Allen. It might be, yes. Santa Claus 3 does not make the cut.

No, it does not make the top five. Does not make the cut. One and two are in the top five for sure. Honestly, I watched that in July as a kid growing up. My parents were like, you've seen it so many times. I'll watch it every year. It outbeats every other Christmas movie. I don't care christmas story elf home alone whatever i 100 home alone trash christmas movie get it out of here it's not a christmas movie though

it's a shenanigan movie it is i still like the movie but it's not a christmas movie no but it always plays on christmas so i associate it with christmas i guess i would go santa claus one santa claus two elf and then four and five up to interpretation okay here's santa claus one santa claus two i'm glad we're there like give me that's elves with attitude are you fucking kidding me if you didn't want to be an elf with attitude holy shit the elves they're just like kicking attitude and they like stuff a donut in his face and they grab duct tape oh my god

that was like to me that was the first like those were the first superheroes I was like I wanna be I don't wanna be that fuck the Avengers

they're like flying in jet they have like jet feet they're like little like bell like elf you're a kid you get to fly you're hanging out with Santa Claus

you're drinking delicious hot cocoa fuck the Avengers I wanna be an elf with attitude. Yes. So one and two, Santa Claus. My three, four, and five are up for debate. Nostalgia-wise, Jingle All the Way. Yeah, that's what Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold Schwarzenegger with that superhero figure. Because I wanted to be whatever. The superhero figure. Yeah. Absolutely. I've been on that one. I wanted to be Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man that one. I wanted to be Turbo Man. Turbo Man.

Turbo Man. Oh, yeah. That was when, like, you wanted toys, and I was like, oh, my God, a Turbo Man toy would be cool. Sick. Yeah. I miss, by the way, I miss, like, presents. You want them to be, like, toys.

Like, I want Hot Wheels. I want, like, a go-kart. I want. Yep. Now it's like, can you please give me, like, a sweater and knives? Yeah, I'd love wool socks I want. Yeah. Now it's like, can you please give me like a sweater? Yeah. I'd love wool socks, right? Yeah.

Can you, like I need new underwear or like the last couple of years it's been like kitchen supplies because I was moving out, which is great. And that's how you know

you're getting adults like you genuinely enjoy it. But it is sad. Yeah. Nothing's better than the magic of Christmas when you wake up and you're like,

this is exactly what I wanted. You know what I mean? Yeah. This is just what I wanted. Yeah. Like, mean? Yeah. This is just what I wanted. Yeah. Like, thank you, Santa. I love the surprise.

Like, even my parents still get me gifts. Do your parents still get you gifts for Christmas? Yeah. But my mom, like, is like, hey, dude, what do you want? Yeah. Yeah. I tell my mom, like, give us, like, a list or whatever and, like, get you a few things. I'm like, okay, here's a few things.

Like, one thing I definitely want, and it's nice, but it's like, it's like in my head i'm like oh i'm just getting that for christmas i tell them like give me like surprise me yeah like just give me something but you can't let parents surprise you these days because their surprises don't work anymore yes and when you're a kid that's not bad my mom like pays. I had to tell her, stop buying board games, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even as a kid, I'm like, Mom, we have a stack of them in the corner. I just want Mom to stop. My mom, God bless her heart, she's, like, the biggest sweetheart ever.

She bought me an Apple Watch, but I have such bad ADHD that I can't actually use the Apple Watch because every time it goes off, I, like, panic. Yeah. So I was like, Mom, if you're, like, going to surprise me, just, like, surprise me just like get like fun like side things yeah don't spend a lot of money on one thing just like go crazy on something else

I was like I'd rather you like not spend a bunch of money on something that I don't don't put all your eggs in one basket yes

because I don't know if I'm gonna like it and I appreciate this so much like your sweetheart but I'm also like I cannot wear it more than 30 minutes because I literally

this was me all class I like failed three classes in college because I literally this was me all class. I like failed three classes in college because I was just looking at my wrist all the time. I am addicted to it now. I can't do it. If I don't have it on my wrist, I feel naked. It's a relief when I take it off at night and charge it. And I'm like, oh, it feels good.

And it is nice. I just completely forget about it. Yeah. But it's at the point now where I think my wrist has like form to the shape. Really? Yeah. But it's at the point now where I think my wrist has like formed to the shape. Really? Yeah. If I take it off, you'll see like. That's like a.

That's like a. You see the. It's like it's. That's every day. Well, I look branded. But it's. It's. I wear it for fitness stuff like.

Yeah. It's a fitness. It's a fitness. It helped me get back into shape for sure. And it's way easier than wearing like a heart rate monitor that goes around your chest. Yeah, absolutely. But I'm addicted to this thing now. Like people say it all the time. You'll see TikToks or memes like, oh, I worked out but I didn't have my Apple Watch.

It doesn't count. Yeah, because you can't track your calories. Yeah. All that kind of stuff. It's in my head now or if I don't get to my goal. Yeah. If you don't close your rings i feel gross my girl loves closing her rings if she doesn't she didn't close her

rings for like walking we have to go on a walk every time what's crazy is i have my calorie set to 700 i think most people would love to burn 700 calories if they could if i hit 700 and only 700 i am upset i mean well because i want to work out for a living but if i'm not hitting a thousand anyone else i work out for a living yeah fuck you dude no this is this is where the beef start i'm putting the sunglasses back on go fuck yourself yeah because i work out for a living yeah i make actually let's rephrase it i make other people work out for a living the glasses back off and now all i'd mainly do is manage this fucking gym which is disgusting well can you work out what you manage it yes and no if i didn't have 19 different like forms to fill out for someone to join the gym it takes i got it there two hours early today just to fill out basic paper you can't do that

don't go early it was so i could record i did early so i could edit my other podcast when you're dedicated to the game yeah it's not for them it is for me so i can do my shit on their time absolutely okay so one two jingle all the way oh yeah one two jingle all the way elf is gonna be in there it has to be it's a good movie these sirens thank god i don't the other microphones right now. You can hear them. I don't like... People are going to hate me for this one. I don't like Christmas Vacation. I don't like Christmas Vacation.

I don't like Christmas Story. No. Christmas Vacation is not a bad movie, but it doesn't do anything for me. I almost want to tell you Home Alone would be my fifth. You can tell me that. I'll disagree with you, but you can tell me that. I'm trying to think of other ones I really enjoy though christmas wise because to be honest the only ones that matter to me are santa claus one and two and then if it's nearing the end of

the season yeah and i've watched one and two already like you know what i'll round it out with third but i'll fast forward through some of the parts. The third isn't that good. Jack Frost, bad character. I hated it. And they brought in all the other, like, like, holiday people in, which in the second one

they did a little bit, but they were just, like, side pieces. Yeah. And then the third movie, they're like, we're gonna bring everyone into it. Santa Claus one and two

are the only things that matter for Christmas. Jingle All the Way, but now when I watch Jingle All the Way, like, it's a nostalgia nostalgia thing but the movie itself is dog shit it's dog shit elf i think elf realistically should be above jingle all the way in terms of story quality in terms of everything yes it is above jingle all the way but it's something in my head where i'm like what i like about christmas is it's a month long for the most part.

Sometimes even longer than that. Because once Thanksgiving's over, Christmas starts. It's literally Black Friday. And I love Black Friday. I don't go shopping. What I do is I go out. Usually it's like me and my girl. Sometimes it's like, I mean, in high school, I go with all my friends.

I used to work at Toys R Us, too. So I used to work Black Friday at Toys R Us. Oh, fuck that. And that shit was awesome. Back when Black Friday was probably Black Friday, too. Yeah, yeah. Not like, hey, we're going to open at noon on Thursday. Yeah, not slightly after Thanksgiving dinner.

That's not what it is. Yeah, no, so I would remember vividly being a 15-and-a-half-year-old kid arguing with grown men over Legos and just being like, dude, I'm a kid stopping a dick. I'm making $7.50 right now. No, I made $7 to start, and I made $7.17. That was my one-year raise. I worked at BuzzWords for two years, and ever since I left, I went downhill. Now you're a fucking kiosk at Macy's Toys R Us.

That's what you get for treating your employees like shit. I wanted to be fucking Jeffrey the Giraffe. I couldn't because I was too fucking tall. Jeffrey had tits, all right? Jeffrey had tits. There was a chick playing Jeffrey. I was too fucking tall. Jeffrey had tits. All right. Jeffrey had tits. There was a chick playing Jeffrey. I was pissed. That's why you guys failed.

All right. You didn't keep your employees happy. You didn't went for babies or us. What a dumb idea that was. Pam, HR, Pam. I think you got the wrong giraffe costume.

If you couldn't be a giraffe because you were too tall. That's what I'm saying. It's fucking ridiculous. Jeffrey had the biggest boobs I've ever seen in my entire life. She was this big old lady. She had big tits. And like, not great, but they'd be like, you could. Jeffrey's, where Jeffrey's neck started to where Jeffrey's crotch was.

Tits were at crotch. It looked like Jeffrey had two big old balls. Oh, they were saggy titties. No, it was just she was short and the neck was long. Oh, shit. It's like the costume was short. The neck was long. Oh, shit. The costume was short. The neck was long. Oh, so no one was in the neck.

No one's in the neck because the neck is a draft neck. I guess. I don't know, man. Thank God you don't work at Toys R Us anymore. Okay. Fun story, though. I used to work at Toys R Us. I've said it a bunch of times already.

But what I did was they would have the displays and like a bunch of like a lego deal so i literally had boxes and boxes of legos in my like parents place through college and when i was moving to florida i was like i have to sell a bunch of my shit and so i don't need these legos i sold all those legos i made like fucking three three to four grand off legos if you have like vintage any of that stuff now my uh when my uh some gary v dude when my mom's like uh sister passed away she um had all these barbies from growing up all in the like collect them all these star trek star wars figurines boxes in my mom's house now i started looking them up there was one i was like, she's like, if anything, if any of this is worth anything, let me know.

I'm like, oh, this one's like $150 for a Barbie. This one's like $6. This one's like $250. I Googled one. I'm like, wow, this one's worth $4,000. That's insane. What was it? I don't know. It's still just sitting there. Is it a Barbie? Yeah, it's a Barbie.

And then there's one thing, because she's my godmother. it's still just sitting there is it a barbie yeah it's a barbie and then there's uh there's one thing because it was my choose my godmother um so i've saved some of it but it's uh the original movies original figurines and the thing i was like each one of these is five hundred dollars this is insane i was like right here there there could be upwards of $10,000 in shit. Absolutely, yeah. And that's like lower level stuff, which is insane. Oh, Christmas?

Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, now I guess. We can talk about collectibles. Do you collect Pokemon cards? No. I did Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh. I did Yu-Gi-Oh for a while. I had the Egyptian God card.

That was pretty sick. Yeah. Those were fun. Try to sell those. But I have literally cases and cases of sports cards. I had sports cards too. They're not my sports cards. They're like my dad's sports cards from when he was a kid.

So they're like old school as shit. And I like try to, you try to search them. And there's like some that are like worth 50 bucks. But it's like I have to go get these minted. Yeah That's the other thing too is like you need to put them in cases You need to go get them graded like well, it's worth $100 if it's mint condition like was it PSA is the green PSA it's like Anything over eight is like really good and my dad took really good care of all this shit So like everything's like great condition. Yeah, I'm not sitting the shit in to get minted Anything over eight is really good. And my dad took really good care of all this shit.

So everything's in great condition. I'm not sending this shit in to get minted. Here's the thing. It's like an investment because you have to spend the money to get it minted to try to resell them. I have to Google every single one to be like, okay, if I mint this, is it worth more than a quarter? Yeah. You know what I mean?

If I go get this graded, is it worth more than a quarter? yeah you know what i mean if i go get this great it isn't worth more than a quarter and there's like i'm cheating out probably 30 000 horse cars yeah it's too much it's like i could just i just want to sell them as a lot that's what we were thinking too is like do we just call a collector and be like hey can you give us an estimate yeah and then we end up like we sell it to you for 90% so you could try and make money on it or something like that. Just to save us the hassle of me individually taking pictures, putting each one of them on eBay and trying to get the right price for them. It's a pain in the ass. That's what people say. Like what?

I don't think people understand or like, oh my God, this is worth $50. Like, no, that's the highest it's ever gone for. Right. It's always going to hit under. It's worth $50. You're not going to get $50. That one person was lucky to get $50. Absolutely.

And then someone, one day the market will go up and it'll be worth $100, but that's because one person got $100 and then everyone will get $50. Yeah. So once it's $100, you need to be happy with $50. Yeah, exactly. I found 13 copies of this one Packer draft bust.

He was like a lineman. And I could tell my dad thought he was going to be really good because he had so many rookie cards with this guy. And I was like, one of my buddies, he's a big sports guy. He's all in on sports memorabilia. I was like, hey, what do you think I can get for this one? And he goes, probably lose money. I was like, really? what do you think I can get for this one? He goes, probably lose money. I was like, really?

He goes, yeah, this is like the most notorious Packers bust in the history of all time. Which you think would then be almost like worth it then if it's notorious. Yeah, but I think like no one's. They made too many. I don't know if they made too many, but no one's like, oh, this is a good one. You know what I mean? People don't want like not lebron james people want lebron james but i have watched i've watched my fair i got into the people

opening pokemon cards thing for a bit and they were like like oh my god this is the the mess up pack the mess ups are good because they're like misprints misprints yeah where it's like there's only one or two of them ever. So then why doesn't that translate into – Because it wasn't a misprint. It was just a – there were 17 rookie cards with this guy. My dad had – Okay, so because then it's printed too much.

And there was like, oh, we think he's going to be the next LeBron James. Let's print four of these because it's going to be worth a ton. Exactly. And then he was a misprint LeBron James. There's four of the worst player ever. Then I think it would be worth something. Probably. Supply and demand, you know. Exactly And then he was a misprint LeBron James Is just four of the worst Player ever Yeah Then I think it would be Worse something

Probably Supply and demand You know We're just talking about business We're just fucking Gary V Where are you dude Yeah If you're

I think we just made Someone a few hundred bucks Tonight Probably not No I think they You might have lost money I mean I don't think I have any good business

Acumen to tell anyone What to do No me either I couldn't think I have any good business acumen to tell anyone what to do. No, me either. I couldn't do anything. Because, I mean, I sold all the Legos. I made a lot of money off that. But I literally just took a picture of everything, posted it, and people were just, like, flocking.

Like, I'll take that one. That's another good way to do it. Like, hey, here's one big picture. Everyone is individually for sale. So, like, let me know which one you want and then i can like just start knocking them off and what i did was is i took like 10 off the top of everyone if they bought it all in a lump yeah some and so that's what most people did really they're like i'll take all these star wars ones i'll take all these batman ones i'll take all of these i think it was spider-Man or something. Now, are Lego something you always opened? Not all of those.

Really? Because a lot of those, I kept them in their original boxes. Because I used to always do it and, like, build them and stuff. But when I was getting them for free, it was like, I don't care about this one. I don't want this one. Oh, so you actually, like, just didn't build them? Not all of them. I mean, there were some. But, so you actually just didn't build them? Not all of them. I mean, there were some, but even when I did open them, I kept all the boxes.

And this is going to sound really fucking Asperger. That's rare for a kid to do. I'm going to save it, build it, take it apart, put it back. Yeah, this is going to sound really Asperger of me. I try to memorize the instructions, so I would try to build them without instructions. Does that ever work? I got real close on a few of them, but I did it on a couple small ones

and I did okay. But with the big ones, I never got it. There are a few small ones. You ever go through Target or wherever and you look at one and be like... Because I have a bucket of Legos at my mom's. All Legos we ever built are now just in one box.

One bucket. One box. You can sometimes sell that for more. You can probably sell it for like seven cents a piece. And so I would go through the aisles and be like, you know what? That tiny one that's the size of this beer can? Well, I could easily make that.

I have all the pieces. I might not have the one guy. I might not have Jack Sparrow might not have jack sparrow but those are the those are the most expensive parts of the set yeah but i was like i could build all this and then just put you know a guy with blue pants a firefighter shirt and a space helmet next to it but it'll be good yeah i got it on this one yeah it's just yeah no jack sparrow save myself 15 bucks but i also think i also yeah i want that's why you're buying this you're buying it do you want johnny depp no i love johnny i love johnny johnny depp is so good i re-watched all the pirates of the caribbean i just and i watched

that and then i watched when he was in harry. And then I forget what other movie I watched. He was in Harry Potter? Not Harry Potter. He was in Fantastic Beasts. He was the bad guy in that. And then you watch any of his other movies, and all the characters are like... The only characters that he's done that I think are very much the same are when he did Lone Ranger. Okay.

And when he did Pirates of the Caribbean, because he's like kind of a goofy guy still. Yeah. Armie Hammer was on Lone Ranger. The guy that ate people. The guy that got canceled. He still drank people, yeah. No, he's like selling real estate in like the islands somewhere.

But Johnny Depp. Oh, and Willy Wonka. You watch Johnny Depp and Willy Wonka. That's so creepy. Versus Pirates of the Caribbean. You look at it like this is a completely different person. It's absolutely insane. I thought about that. I watched it with my girlfriend the other day.

In the summer, I was like, holy fuck, this is Johnny Depp. Yeah. Which one is which? Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is Johnny Depp. Which is obviously because he's the main character, so that's why they made it that. Do you like that one better than the Gene Wilder one? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Just because of the new optics. Gene Wilder is more like, oh, I'm a fun guy that owns a candy shop. He's singing songs like being cool, sweet. But Johnny Depp is like. Johnny Depp is, I'm the creepy guy that owns a candy. I own a candy shop for the wrong reasons. Gene Wilder owns a candy shop for the right reasons. Yes, for sure.

I love the guy in the Willy Wonka movie, the kid that just keeps talking shit to him and he just always turns and he goes, you really should stop mumbling when you talk to me.

I can't understand a thing you're saying. And he's talking such mad shit but he's just being so petty. He's like, you should really stop mumbling. That's such a good insult. It's a dark version

but I love it. I love it. It's real good. I think the whole movie's like great speaking of dark versions what do you think about the new little mermaid oh i think she's hot as shit i honestly have only seen a like a promo picture of it from facebook posts of like someone reposting it and being like, I can't believe you have a problem with this, but it's then it's like a woke person. Like,

I can't believe you have a problem with this, but the posts are reposting is like fucking trailer park. Jerry being like, I can't believe she's black. I'm like, okay. I didn't know this was even, I didn't even know it was in production.

No, I don't care Do you know her name's like Haley Berry? Honestly I thought it said Halle Berry I thought I was so fucking confused for a while

Cause like there's no way This is Halle Berry I thought Okay So I'm glad you said that Cause I thought Halle Berry Was voicing the new Little Mermaid I thought so too

I was like maybe she ages up Like the new Game of Thrones series Like halfway through the movie she gets older. No, it's Halle Berry. That's her fucking name. Yeah, I don't like that. It's just too close to Halle Berry. It's like Michael B. Jordan, though.

Yeah, well, he's not Michael A. Jordan. Yeah. That was the most dad joke I could have given you on this episode he's the second one obviously but he's probably the second most famous michael jordan yeah i think so i think yeah do you know any other michael jordans no no i know michael jordan and michael b jordan that's all i know that's the only reason he's known as Michael B. Jordan. It's because Michael A. Jordan.

Yeah, Michael. What is his middle name? I don't know. Let's look. I'll look it up. That was such a good joke, though. That was so good. But Haley Berry.

I genuinely don't care about any of that. No, I don't care at all. But I was like watching stuff. I was like, why is everyone mad about this? Like she's like from the Caribbean. Like the mermaid. It's not the original story. I'm like, you know, the original story was made up.

Like, you know. Fucking idiot. Do you know it's not real? Like it is a cartoon mermaid. With talking crabs. Michael Jeffrey Jordan. MJJ? Yeah.

Or is it Jeffrey with a G? J. MJJ. MJJ. If you were a Jeffrey, you want to be with a G or a J? I don't want to be with a G. Oh, no. You don't want to be a G off.

That's how they spell it. Jeffrey the Giraffe was a G off. I don't want to be a G-off. That's how they spell it. Jeffrey the Giraffe was a G-off. I don't want to be with a G, because I don't want anyone to call me Jeff. Jeffy? Jeffy. Who's Jeffy? Oh, the ringer. Johnny Knoxville.

Remember that movie? Where he pretends to, well, he fixes the Special Olympics. Oh, my God. We tried watching that movie the other day, and my buddy's girlfriend came in. She's like, what are you watching? He goes, you won't like it. Get out. There's no way.

We need a good comedy movie like that. They're not going to happen. We need one to just push the buttons. No. Did you see the new, I think Gillian Keys is coming out, the new season. They're selling a sketch special right now. Yeah, that's the new um i think gillian keith is coming out the new season they're they're selling a sketch special right now yeah that's the new season yeah i have honestly i think i've accidentally come across their shit like twice it's so good but

i don't like search it out um have you ever watched tires the movie tires no it's not not tire no it's rubber do you remember rubber yeah it's just a tie killing tight yeah but no tires it's like a an office themed show like the same like kind of mockumentary but shane gillis like works at a tire store like a auto shop like autos i've seen like random clips of it i've never actually watched it's real good and the gillian key so that that tires was like a pilot you think he made and then he got canceled so i don't think that's why i think that's why it didn't go because it was really fucking funny and then um with uh gillian keeves all this shit's hilarious but this new one i just i was watching him on schultz's podcast and he did one of he was

uh that's a brand new one right with chain g Shane Gillis. This is brand new. Yeah. OK. They show like a never before seen episode of Gillian Keeves. I'm going to watch it tomorrow on the way to work. Do it. And then it does the if Guy Fieri was a veteran with PTSD. And it's so funny. I already love that concept. i pee quick yeah absolutely i feel really bad i feel weird like leaving though no i can just talk i can also i'm not gonna cut

anything i don't think you understand like it's we're already like 52 minutes in okay we're getting there i don't know if anyone even is listening at this point that's so true when you start getting past a couple minute mark i mean my legs are still out like like right there's a thing we got good clips people just like fast forward to the clips that they see on tiktok the list although i will tell you this the viewership has um grown all substantially are you making money now off that because you're like now you're a creator yeah technically i do make money off the talk of the tick but um it's not a lot yeah but you're still the creator fund pays you 30 for every million views so like i can i can log on i'll tell you right now i'll tell you what i made yesterday okay let me go be what you're doing yeah

i'll pull it up oh my god I got work know your friend Ben Hoffman what was that oh I was gonna look up how much TikTok paid not a lot I've made very few dollars from you know what sucks is I'm gonna have to report this on my taxes now. Oh, this is more than usual. All right, all right, all right. Damn, I had a good day on 929 and 930. Stuff was picking back up again well

this episode is brought to you by Santa Claus 1, 2, 3 and 4 the remake which oh my god I would love I didn't know your answer but you would want to be in the Santa Claus 4 movie wouldn't you I don't know. We should try and pitch it.

No, what they are doing, this is going to sound weird because they can't even hear you talking to me. I'm pretty sure I saw that they're making like a series to go on Disney Plus that has to do with Tim Allen and the Santa Claus. I think I saw some post that he's like back on set in all the gear and they're going to do a series for Christmas this year. And I got jacked. This was fun.

We've got a few minutes. I've got like 15 minutes left. Last time I made that noise, I got yelled at by a mother. I'm going to have you guess how much money I've made, though. $137.17. Honestly, that's a good guess. I've made $185.54. Do you want a colder one?

Do you think it's colder? It definitely has got to be colder. So what do you think I made on October 1st? $17? No, I made $0.43. Okay. You started going, I was like, oh like oh my god he's gonna get it no i mean the best it's done is like back when that video first went like and they started paying me i was like oh 34

bucks i made and then 21 then 26 i was like holy shit if i make an extra 30 a day, that's a nice chunk. And then it started going to like, you made nine cents. I was like, beer's in like the middle. I just opened a warm Bud Light, so I'm going to finish that. The spotted cow is definitely cold if you wanted to spot it. But what were we going to talk about? Can we talk about how they fucking decided to make Kurt Russell Santa Claus for a little bit? Do you remember that?

Did you watch that on Netflix? What a dumb move that was What was it? Give that guy a miracle and leave it Wasn't that What was he like getting out of jail and shit? Yeah he was like a Like a bum Santa Yeah

He was like a bad dad Santa And all of his kids left I don't know I don't actually know for sure I just remember seeing Kurt Russell He's like a bum Santa. Yeah. He's like a bad dad Santa. All of his kids left. I don't know. I don't actually know for sure. I just remember seeing Kurt Russell as Santa and being like, not watching that. We have our Santa Claus. People are like, that's my Batman.

That's my Santa. It's Tim Allen. Tim Allen is my Santa Claus. Because every, like, Billy Bob, whatever. First, second, third, fourth, Christmas movie. First, Santa Claus 1. Two, Santa, third, fourth. Christmas movie. First, Santa Claus 1. Two, Santa Claus 2. Three, Christmas with the Cranks. Four, Elf.

Okay. Christmas with the Cranks is so good. I don't know if I've seen it. Tim Allen. Jamie Lee Curtis. Halloween. So good. It's so fucking funny.

I've never seen someone laugh harder in a movie than watching my grandma on christmas watch christmas with the cranks she's legitimately crying because uh jamie lee curtis hits her head on a tanning bed because she's getting tan because they're like skipping christmas and she's like jamie lee curtis has knockers or she did in the movie and so she's just got her big old Jamie Lee Curtis tits out and she hits her head

on a tanning mat and she's bleeding and the priest of the local town comes to the mall and sees her and so Jamie Lee Curtis is like trying to

cover up her boobs and trying to stop the bleeding and the priest is just looking at her boobs the whole time and nothing's so funny than seeing my fucking 70 year old grandmother

lose her shit at that I love watching older people have emotions yes but like happy emotions happy emotions because old people are so grumpy if they cry like this is really sad yeah um i call my grandpa seeing my anyone like my parents laugh yeah shit that happens still my mom isn't a non-stop laugher but my grandparents like i call my grandpa my grandma i'm like how are you doing they're like no i'm not doing anything he's like what did you do this week i played bridge it's like oh fuck i have to look forward to that

i have to look forward to that yeah i don't want to but i think there's a timer in i think i think But I think that's the time we're in. I think... No, because I can... Well, it depends on who you're raised by. Because my roommate, for fun, him and his girlfriend take walks. Just let me finish. I know if your girlfriend needs to close her rings, you guys will go for a walk. No, you keep going, but I absolutely hate walks.

We'll talk about it. I was going to say, your girlfriend girlfriend seems like i've never met her but knowing you she's probably like let's grab a glass of wine and go for a walk they are no um they are let's grab a bottle of water we'll get a old ziploc bag we've definitely used this one before it's used from the last walk we're gonna put some mixed nuts in it oh kill myself yeah so fast mixed nuts in it and then they just go for So fast. We're going to put some mixed nuts in it. And then they just go for walks. And they're like, we're going to go hammock.

It's Saturday. I was like, no. I would rather just go get day drunk right now. Absolutely. I came out of my room once. And they're sitting here watching TV or watching YouTube. And they're like, I don't know if they're taking notes. But they're just like intently looking at it.

And I shit you not. I come down this hallway and I turn the corner and I look. And in big, bold red letters, it just says pegging play. These are the walkers? Yeah. And I go, what the fuck? And they're like, oh, no, this is for the rules of cribbage. I was like, oh, my God. No waybage i was like no way i was like are you

fucking kidding me i thought you guys were cool for about 45 seconds there one i was like oh you are as kinky as i thought you were but i was like it's just like no we're trying to learn how to play cribbage fuck that no i'm not doing, cribbage, you either learned it as a kid. And you like it? Or you never learn it. Correct. That's it. Same with euchre. Euchar, dominoes, cribbage.

Yeah. Any other like pegs in holes, dice, domino. Card when you're with your partner and there's like rules where you can't. Gin rummy, all that shit. I like gin rummy. But I also didn't, I learned that as an adult but that wasn't my thing cards are easier to learn

but like if you need like a board you either knew it from like your grandparents make you learn it like up at your cabin yeah that's what it is

it's cabin life if you're learning if you're willingly you learn those games because you have money by yourself cribbage at the age of 25, 26.

Get the fuck out of here. You could be doing way cooler things at 26 than learning how to play cribbage. You could. You could. I can't stand it. You did a good job. I like trying to describe my fiance that she probably likes to go walking with a bottle of wine. She loves to have a bottle of wine. She loves to have a bottle of wine.

She likes to have a glass of wine. And she does a really good job of putting up with my fucking high-energy alcohol consumption ass. But no, she just is a wholesome person where she wants to go on a walk. She wants to enjoy the weather. And I can't stand it. She's like, we should go on a walk. And it's like, I don't want to go on a walk she wants to enjoy the weather and i can't stand it she's like we should go on a walk it's like i i don't want to go on a walk like going on a walk to me is the most pointless waste of time because you're literally walking in a circle just to end up

where you are again that's the thing i've been asked like you don't go for a walk my girl was asking us i'm like to where that's the thing that's always like to where give me a mission where are we going yes it's so ridiculous me going on a walk just around the block is the biggest waste of time they'll can send me on a walk to the grocery store it's seven miles away i will walk there i walk back if you're like hey you know what i want to do a two mile walk and you're like you know what at mile one we're gonna stop we're gonna grab lunch we'll grab some pizza we'll have a beer and then walk the mile back. I go, okay. That sounds like a great walk. Great.

But if you're like, let's just go for a walk. I go, and we walk out of the apartment. I'm like, where are we going? Yeah. What's the point of this? Well, let's just walk. I go, but to where? That's the thing.

It's not worth it. You got to put, you got to point me in a direction. And I'm usually of like, let's just fly by the seat of my pants kind of person. Yeah. Like, let's do whatever. But when it comes to walking, I'm like, give me a destination. Give me a fucking destination. It sucks.

Give me, it better be a road trip. That's why I got her a dog. Yeah. Dogs are like the kings and queens of just, let's just walk. Yeah. Let's smell whatever we walk next to. We're on the same. I think I've realized, well, I realized this before,

how big of a Tim Allen fan I am. Because my other... Top five Tim Allen movies. I can only name three. Santa Claus 1, I can name four. Santa Claus 1, Santa Claus 2, Santa Claus 3, Christmas with the Cranks. I don't know what five would be.

Toy Story 1, Toy Story 2, Toy Story Santa Claus three, Christmas with the Cranks. I don't know what five would be. Toy Story one, Toy Story two, Toy Story three. Oh shit. He was Woody. No, he wasn't Woody. He was Buzz Lightyear. Woody's Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks, yeah. I'll let you figure that one out. Santa Claus and Toy Story, if you ask my parents, are probably my two favorite movies.

I'm like, you cried at the same point every time. Sid shows up on the screen. You're like, why is he breaking the toys? Toy Story, Santa Claus. Have you ever seen Last Man Standing, his TV show? It's like him. He's got a wife, three daughters. He runs the equivalent of Cabela's and is becoming like a social media

star because he does his own vlogs it's like i carly but for middle-aged dudes it's it's so it's it's a mindless show yeah but i also like he's more um i like that he's just confident in his views as well. I think a lot of people conform to Hollywood more left wing stuff. Was he pretty right wing on that one? No, in real life he is. Oh, shit, really? Yeah. So he's just like, I'm like, oh, good for you. But why did Santa Claus?

What? But why did Santa Claus? That's why he did Santa Claus? Yeah, because right wing is religious and shit. You know what I mean? Have you seen anything where they think Santa Claus. That's why he did Santa Claus? Yeah, because right-wing is religious and shit. You know what I mean? Have you seen anything where they think Santa Claus is from mushrooms?

Yeah. Yeah. Rogan talks about it. Yeah. Every 15th episode. Yeah. Santa Claus is just mushrooms. Yeah, Santa Claus is mushrooms, though.

I think the whole world is just drugs. Honestly, it's not that far off, though. Because imagine the only two things you could do back in the day were either put on a helmet and go kill people or trip on mushrooms or eat plants. Yeah, that's like the two things you could do back in the day.

Guess what? You're going to form a religion based on those fucking plants. You ate the Tuesday. You didn't go kill people. You know what I mean? I just had the grass that was grown outside the hut. Yeah, that's it. I saw oh god that's all you could do he had a red sack no i love all those this will another podcast time so i'm gonna wrap it up here

but i would love to do like just conspiracy like all that stuff intrigues me so much or aliens egypt, simulation shit. Like, we're not even real. I don't think anyone's. Like, most things aren't. Isn't that, like, the scariest thing to think is because when I, like, look at another person and I go, I think how I think. Yeah. I think that they think how I think.

But they definitely don't. Exactly. Because I might try to be like, Oh, they're probably just thinking this, but I'm like, I don't think they're actually thinking. Do you remember the first, I don't remember. I remember the feeling.

I remember the specific day, the first time you realize other people do have same thoughts as you. Like, like you had, I don't even know how to describe it. Like, Oh, I don't actually think,

um, the world is real. Or like, let's just do simulation. Yeah. Or the world's flat. Like someone else was like, I think it's simulation. Someone's like, oh, I think like the world could just be flat.

Holy shit, you think that too? I don't know what it was. Something clicked in my head. I remember being on a walk with my friends. A fucking walk. Back from like Target. Walks are bad news. We used to buy Coke and Mentos

all the time. From Target? That's like an $87 purchase, dude. I know. We would ride our bikes there because we had nothing else to do. And that's why you were either going to Target

or you were eating mushrooms in the field because you had nothing else to do. Exactly. That's what was going to happen. That was our thing. Yeah. And remember being like, holy shit, he thinks the same way I do. And then another thought, I was like, oh, it's the same thing happen that was that was our thing yeah and remember being like holy

shit he thinks the same way i do and then another thought i was like oh it's the same thing i was like wow i don't know which does that make you think that it's not a simulation or that maybe people aren't as different as you think they are i think that my weird thought would be there's a finite number of souls on this planet continue and we're just like you die you kind of recycle into another person yeah um how do you souls run out though because it's finite how does one soul not go back into another person no it would go into another part like a population growth is different probably i mean population is growing and growing. But animals are dying faster and faster. Extinction. There's the NPC part of it where there's just fillers.

You ever play a video game? A lot of times. And when you play a video game, when you scroll and you turn your character to the left, that scenery wasn't always there behind you. It just got generated as you turned so like in my head like I think the kitchen

is behind me but like I can promise you right now there's a kitchen behind you but like that's me telling you to tell me there's a kitchen behind me you can look right there there's a kitchen behind you yeah but now I'm creating that because I'm looking at a camera that would create a kitchen behind me oh fuck just drinking bls and miller lights right now dude you can't be hitting me with some

of this stuff like those that drive home to this i like thinking about like this is do you want you know what i'm supposed to ask a question at the end of every episode it's supposed to be what is your meaning of life in less than five words i think we talked about it on the last one i did with brandon yeah my oh i just lost what i was gonna ask oh no i know the question will be for you is do you want the answers um i think not i think right where I'm at right now, I think I've got it figured out enough for myself where I'm not going to fuck anything up.

I'm not as worried as I used to be, or I'm more worried than I used to be, in like different aspects. But I don't think I want to, because I think the answer is going to be soul crushing. Yeah. But in our last podcast where we talked and I said my whole thing was like everything in life sucks. That was literally my meaning of life.

Yeah. Which is morbid, but when I talk about it, I spin it more positively. Yeah. But at the end of our life, I believe it's just over. And I'm okay thinking that. I would like to believe that, but I don't want to know that that's actually the case. Yeah, I agree with you. I don't want to know the answers because I think that's what makes this fun.

I think that's what makes it worth living. I think maybe one or two answers out of the billion would be nice. Like, oh, here's a cheat code for money. Yeah. But yeah, I don't think I want to know the answers. I don't think when we die, it's just done because I can't comprehend nothing. Right. That's the thing.

But I bet I guarantee it is nothing. I guarantee there's nothing happening afterwards. I don't think... My dog just died. I don't think we have... I don't think we understand what we think time is. Right. I don't think we understand what the afterlife is either.

Because everyone pictures it like, oh, you get to see everyone again. I don't think it is. I don't think that's what it is. If there's any sort of consciousness after that... That's what I'm saying. I don't think it is i don't think that's what it is if there's any sort of consciousness after that i that's what i'm saying i don't think there is an afterlife i think our construct of time is just so like what we are experiencing is like a sliver yeah do you think what your experience right now or everything that makes up what you are right now will experience another version of life after you die like reincarnation kind of so you think i'm gonna like go back into someone and experience life i

think pieces of because isn't there like something where it's like like energy can't be like it can't go away created nor destroyed so what i think is you die you become something afterwards you're not all the same pieces all the different pieces go everywhere else so like you are not going specifically to one thing but parts of you are going everywhere else i think that's where deja vu comes from because a part of you from a while ago had this but again you're not like you what you would be after you die right now is not completely built up of what you you are right now it could be built up of you me some dirt maybe a recycled nintendo switch like you know what i mean like there could be just like that's what i think it is i do there's so many possibilities. You should ask Brandon what his thing was on, um, like the theory of us or like, I forgot the guy he was quoting, but he thinks we are becoming God kind of thing. I don't think he thinks that someone, someone else. Imagine that. So like, if you could, like, I'm going to butcher this, but if you could like dream, dream or whatever, theoretically, like you could control your dream.

And then you could just keep controlling your dreams and you would be whatever you want to be. And so you like dragons, you're a sports, you're an athlete, you're a professional comedian, you're a professional chef. You've done everything the only thing you can't dream is to have no control so we are on the final stage of becoming to become god to be able to control everything and understand everything the final stage that we're in is having no control that one i said that yeah i was like wow that came out of you well it came out of someone else but he repeated it pretty well way better than i did i don't know if i don't understand it because i'm incompetent or because neither of us

knew exactly what brandon was saying well i get to ask about it if you could keep controlling if you control what you were going to be yeah i think of life as a video game it's just the ultimate video game like what do you want your character to be today yeah you're like i want to go i want to kill dragons i want to be the quarterback for the packers i want to run a michelin star restaurant i want to tell jokes at madison square garden yeah eventually you will have done everything that the only thing you can't do is the only thing you need to do is have no control. You've had control over everything.

The only thing left to do is to have zero control, and that's what we are now. We have no control right now? Yeah, we don't know what we're doing. So we've already done everything we could have ever done right now. So their theory is we've done everything, so the only thing left to do is to do everything or do something without control.

Should we end it there? That really took the win out of my sails. Let me tell you. We're done. We're done. Tim Allen's number one. Tim Allen. Santa Claus won.