Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.67 - Jack Cerasoli

Episode Date: December 15, 2022

Blame it on the NOG!

Now we can start. All right. To the misfits, black sheep, and screwballs. This one's for you. That's what this says right here. I like. Okay, I hate screwball. I absolutely hate screwball.

This is pretty good, though. They'll never sponsor this, but this isn't bad. This is good. It doesn't taste like peanut butter. It's almost like a peanut butter cup. Whiskey with dairy cream and natural flavors. I bet if you pour. Give me some of that.

Let me pour some peanut butter in there. It probably tastes pretty good. Thank God. I don't you pour... Give me some of that. Let me pour some peanut butter in there. It probably tastes pretty good. Thank God. I don't have to drink it then. I'm doing you a favor, but I actually really just want to drink it too. But... Yeah. I think not everything needs to have like a liquid form.

Peanut butter is one of them. Peanut butter... It's so sticky. It's so sticky. If you melt it and you put it in a dessert or something like that, fine. But you don't need peanut butter whiskey. Yeah, we don't need a lot of it i like the caramel whiskey caramel whiskey is not bad caramel whiskey is the same as peanut butter whiskey there's not that much different would you agree caramel and peanut butter the same who does the caramel whiskey

crown the whiskey the whiskey is the same it's all the same just syrup crown crown does the caramel whiskey that That's pretty popular. I just. A burnt. All right. Burnt caramel. You fucking bougie bitch. Burnt caramel whiskey. Where do you find that?

Bad move. Blame that one on the nog, dude. Bad move. All right. Now I have to. That's not good. Woo. That was expecting.

I should have mixed it. It's always. That big ice cube gets in the way,'s always It's always December Where I'm like You know what I want to feel good Come Christmas time I drink so much

During December I think Yeah December's a bad When we Going to Thanksgiving Because you have Blackout Wednesday Thanksgiving

Then you go like Rolling into It just being shitty weather And it doesn't do anyone Any favors The shitty weather Doesn't help anyone. That comedy is...

Yeah. I think it curdled. Yeah, it does not look good. Don't look at it. It's not. You know what it looks like. It's like cum. It looks like the cum when I put it in my toilet bowl when I drink it.

It's a really... Shoot thick Spider-Man robe. Yeah. Spider-Man ropes. It's a really thick Spider-Man robe. Yeah. Spider-Man ropes. It's well hydrated. No, when we went to, it just started like we went to Madison. That ruined it. That was the start of it.

Yeah. Because I drank there and none of us got on. That was such a waste of time. So we just, thank God Brandon was driving. And you're like, you know what? we'll go get a beer let's make it two also let's get a shot and then we've got a couple other beers too and then it rolled into me doing the improv for the first time it was actually the first time i performed there for the open mic yeah um it's so hard for me to get there with work yeah did that i had a drink

or two and then rich and i went and just watched the entire show that was that night we were gonna go check it out and then watched the entire thing then stopped at high note afterwards did you sing because no because evan was like we want to talk to you about like future mics and stuff like that i'm like okay end up drinking there and then friday i host my mic and then i think i went out saturday i helped brandon with his show saturday which was fun that was the the louis j gomez that's an aaron berg who was phenomenal yeah and then sunday i went and watched the packer game with the guys. I was like. It's a bender. Yeah, and the next weekend I went to, this past weekend I went to Boston. Another bender.

Eh, not as bad. With the girl, it's. With the girl. You're tame, but you're buzzed. Yeah, a good buzz. It was cold the last day. We were like, we should probably pregame ice skating a little bit. Yeah, yeah.

Which is good, because I hit my ass hard. I thought I was going to break my ankle. Can you ice skate? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I used to play hockey. Fuck you. was going to break my ankle. Can you ice skate? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I used to play hockey. Fuck you. You are my least favorite people on that rink.

I'm really good at skating. I look like a newborn giraffe, and you have fucking Jared, junior high hockey, just doing laps around you. Yeah, and then they're spraying snow everywhere, too, when they're doing their hard stops and going backwards.

We do look like pricks when we're going fast. like it is annoying i've never wanted someone to fall on their neck on a skate more in my life yeah i just watch it just fucking speed we would deserve it but skating when you get good at it is like so much fun because you can just rip it up it's like going on a roller coaster but you're not like strapped in or anything that's just you and your your ankles yeah there are times where i got comfortable i'm like i got this and then you try and glide and watch you guys just kind of like oh yeah i'm just it never feels like i'm just skating i am surviving surviving yeah absolutely yeah my girlfriend's like come on let's go i'm like can she skate um it took her she used to able to. And then it took her a minute.

And then she had the hang of it. And she was doing great. And then there's me just a little behind. And then a while, she's like, all right, we'll hold hands. I'm like, if I hold hands with you, we're going down. Yeah. Or you're just going to pull me. And I noticed for a while, I'm like, you are just pulling me right now.

That's good, though. You need someone to give you that extra support, though, when you're first like learning i only fell once when i was like you know what i'm gonna go fast and that's just dumb yeah did they have like those walkers the ice walkers they had uh they did they were plastic whales yeah okay you can't use that one you can't i would have gladly used i would gladly sat on it and let her push me around or held one up. Seeing a grown man with an ice walker, there's nothing worse than that. You get off the ice. If you're over 20.

If you're over 20, you better be using it as a joke. Like you're sitting on it and your buddy's throwing you around. Yeah. Like the equivalent of basically tubing. Like the guy would basically strap it to your waist with a rope. And you're like, all right, take me around the pot watch me um but yeah if i had it and i was like i need help no you look better just gripping the rail yeah you look like oh cute he's trying as opposed to like what is this guy doing with that whale that's ridiculous your girlfriend's just sitting there next to you

like this we're done after this yeah yeah there. There's no way back from being subjected to using a child's toy to survive on an ice rink. They did look fun, though. If it's a whale, yeah, it's probably pretty cool to play around with. Are you good at any winter sports? No. Winter sports is my thing. I think that just like the unathletic White man With like a little bit

Of Scandinavian in him Like all of them Are gonna be okay At all winter sports He's really good at skiing He raced in high school I started snowboarding When I was in like

7th, 8th grade All throughout high school Stopped in college Just cause I had no money Shit didn't fit anymore Since we've graduated college he'll take me to like the hill he goes to nice and i picked it back up and i need to pick it back up i almost wanted to i want to snow so bad now one for christmas two because i need to practice

because i just agreed to go on their they go on an annual ski trip and i wasn't invited the first year because i just didn't go enough. The second year, not enough people were going. I was like, fuck it. This year, I'm like, I got to go. You have to go. I still want to. Ski trips are fun.

They went to Wyoming, Jackson Hole the first day. Is that in Wyoming? I think so. I don't know that much about skiing. I've skied twice, but I'm really good at it. So I have no idea. Then they went to... What's it called?

Somewhere in Utah last year. Park City? No. Maybe it was in Utah. I don't fucking... I don't care. And now they're going to Aspen. You have to go.

Ski trips are so much fun. That's going to be so much fun. Even if you're bad, too, you're going to have fun. In the last two years? It's like a bachelor party, but you just have an excuse to go. I've gone snowboarding once okay practice this is wild to say but like going snowboarding or skiing is like rich people's golfing golf is rich people i know but that's what fucking that's what skiing and snowboarding is like you're even more rich so

you're just gonna go on a mountain and like jump down it for a few days and then just like get hammered and warm up in a cabin yeah you're either bougie like i'll pay 400 to go down three times or you're like an adrenaline junkie yeah like that's just like a specific type of person and it's it's so much fun so i love doing it i've just never been to a real mountain before i don't think i have either i've been to the rock or what was known as crystal ridge when i was growing up in franklin that's a landfill turned ski hill that's what i practiced on i've been to a few other like bigger hills here yeah but you know the kind of hill where you can get in a day i went down 30 times i'm going to a hill where i'm like i went down five times right and i'm exhausted yeah

you're gonna be fucking tired yeah i can't wait i'm gonna get so drunk and so high get dude getting high on those hills would freak me the fuck i'm so bad oh not when i'm going down fucking afterward probably i'm gonna have to i would gladly do the bunny hill the first two runs there yeah the bunny hill it was probably still an intense hill there. It's probably just like a mediocre hill anywhere else. Last year, someone like, or the first year, someone tweaked their knee right away. Like, he tried doing like a 3.6 or something and tweaked his knee the first or second year. Jake went to Aspen last year.

Yeah. To ski with people. His second run of the day or seventh. I'm not sure. Those are two completely different numbers. You know that, right? I don't know. I don't know where, like where they were skiing, but he tore his ACL on a mobile.

Fuck. And that's before it was like, uh like January, February last year. And he goes, he called me. And I knew he was on the trip. And we hadn't lived together yet. I still live at home. And he goes, so I got good news, bad news. Bad news is I tore my ACL.

Because I'm like, why are you calling me while you're on break? And good news is we can move into the apartment earlier. I'm like, why are you calling me while you're on break? Yeah. And good news is we can move into the apartment earlier. I'm like, also bad news. I got to help you move your shit in. Yeah. You're doing all the work. Man. No, the injuries are like the scariest thing about those.

That's why I didn't start with skiing. Because in my head, it's like ass backwards logic. can you grab that That gingerbread house And put it in the middle here I told I told the lady I'd put it in the video Yeah yeah yeah Like in my head

Skiing My leg could go one way And the other one Could go the other That is so small on you dude Can you see my balls On my back No

But I can see them From the front Yeah you can definitely There you go Rach There you go Rach but I can see him from the front. There you go, Rach. Ass and gingerbread houses. That's a nice house. Is it?

She'll love to hear that. The people, those are definitely store-bought. No one made those. No. But it's a nice house. It's a frame. no but it's a nice house it's a frame yeah it's a trader joe's one you have set amount of stuff um i wasn't too thrilled with her piping abilities yeah the the shingles on the side are shit i'm not gonna be i'm gonna be honest with you rachel you could do a lot better you could do a lot better this is not very good um i could do

that chip blindfolded my fiance fiance couldn't do better either. I think it's just a woman thing. You guys want to go with your hands. But you've left something to be desired here. But the decorations candy-wise are very good. I can't tell if the side work is icicles on purpose or if you just didn't know how to stop the flow of icing. But either way, it does get the message across.

It's so warped that we just kept throwing stuff in there yeah you're like you're just chewing gum and like hoping it still sticks yeah that's just an attempt to get it to stick when you get it and not one of them is flat why are they so warped like how did you do this wrong it looks like a ski hill yeah and dude what give me more. Yeah. I might just start adding whiskey to this. I think that's an electric idea. I have to drive home?

No, you don't. Don't tell the people that. So I'm not going to get too crazy, but I wish I would have joined with you. You get crazy enough. I get pretty crazy just in general. I got busted for having secret B-dubs today. Okay, yeah. You need to explain that. Secret B-dubs? secret B-dubs today Okay yeah you need to explain that Secret B-dubs

Secret B-dubs So like this is a big thing back when I lived in Florida Because Uber Eats was so cheap It was like You could probably You could eat for a week And not even Off Uber Eats

And you wouldn't pay more than you would for groceries Because it was just that cheap over there But I I got a message on uber eats and i haven't used it in legitimately years since i moved back to uh to wisconsin and it was like buy this get buy one burger and fries get like a second free and i was like absolutely because i just cooked all day and i was like i don't want to eat anything i cooked it's like a little uh peek behind the curtain here i do a lot of cooking around the house for my girl and i

and so uh after i was done cooking i was like i don't want to eat any of the food i just made like i'll have it for like lunch and dinner and stuff because we have meal prep for the week okay all right i thought you like made dinner like i don't want this no no it was just like meal prep for the week so we had like a bunch of like italian like pasta like we have a baked dish and i make breakfast sandwiches for us for breakfast and then we typically get like a frozen meal that we can interchange for uh dinner or lunch depending on how we're feeling and i was like i'm not gonna cook and then so my girl went to bed really early just because she was tired and i got that message and it was like nine o'clock i was like i'm absolutely going to be doing this and so i smashed like two burgers

uh an order of tater tots an order of fries and order of tater tots all over the course of 45 minutes i'm sitting i'm laying on the ground in the fetal position because my stomach hurts so bad i was in so much pain you like doing this to yourself because we should revisit what you did yeah yeah yeah we should talk about that we absolutely should so i was like this tastes so good but i'm in so much pain and i didn't know what to do with it so i just like left it on the ground because i might i have a garbage bin because I have an office um and my garbage bin was like full so I was like I'm just gonna leave it here and then like I'll put it away later and it's Tuesday um and so I'm I'm at dinner and my girl texts me when did you get b-dubs and I was like oh fuck like I'm so busted like she's just upset you got b-dubs without her she's upset that I got b-dubs

without her and she's upset because she thinks I'm fat but here's the thing She's just upset you got B-dubs without her? She's upset that I got B-dubs without her, and she's upset because she thinks I'm fat. But here's the thing. She's making me run tomorrow, and I'm going to fucking smoke her. I'm going to be sober. It doesn't help you're wearing her onesie right now. She has mine at home. You know, I couldn't tell which one was different. She's going to feel like she lost a bunch of weight.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to stretch this out from the bottom. But, yeah, no, I just can't wait to have her eat my dust tomorrow. I don't know if I've ever gotten a burger for B-Dubs. How is that? I got two brisket burgers. You don't get a regular burger. Is that like your order at B-Dubs?

No, I always get wings, but it was the deal. And I was like, if I want to spend $40 on okay wings, fine. But I'll just get burgers. Because you can't go wrong with a burger. And these were like a special, like. You can, but I guess not if you're ordering one. Right. You can't have a bad burger.

I think the worst burger you're going to have is someone... You go to a cookout and someone eats too much of that lighter fluid to light it and it tastes like the lighter fluid. It's like shit. It's disgusting. Yeah. If you're ordering a burger, it's going to be a burger. You're not going to be blown away by it.

Most burgers, you're going to be like, it's a burger. You're getting what you wanted. Yeah. It's cheese on meat in between two pieces of bread if you want to put toppings on you put toppings on it that's like that's what a burger is it's like a hot dog it's just like a vessel that have toppings like that's all it is i'm fully convinced food is just a socially acceptable way socially acceptable way for us to eat condiments absolutely i would do so many dirty things to have ranch and i recently started Liking mustard

And so I'll purposely Just buy hot dogs So I can have mustard Yeah mustard's phenomenal But there are some There was a We had This taco deal

At the bar we worked at In college And I would Have the taco The taco's itself Disgusting You know plain gross Sauce was probably

Pretty good though Wasn't it No just Cholula I wanted Cholula So I was like that i'm like i can't just have you're not gonna eat chalula plain right exactly exactly but i wanted the flavor of crunchy chalula yeah that was it yeah i wanted like carrots let's say you want to get like carrots and ranch something like that like give me crunchy you want carrots with texture

is what you're right is what we're looking for for. Because the flavor is the best part. Yes. And most things that you put sauce on aren't the most flavorful. Yes. So that's why. But it has a good texture. A texture you desire. My girl's been doing carrots and mustard.

And I can't get myself to stand behind it. What? I can't get myself to get behind it. But she says it's one of the best things ever. And pretzels and mustard. Can't do either of those things. Pretzels and mustard, I'm okay with. Because you ever get a giant Bavarian pretzel and you have the beer cheese or the honey mustard.

I'll slap that shit in cheese, but I won't do honey mustard. I can do honey mustard, but I can't. I would rather just dip it in cheese. I get the pretzel and mustard. The carrot and mustard thing, I think. What do you think about pickles? Like just in general or pickles and mustard? I love pickles. Oh, God. Really? Yeah, pickles in general. I love pickles.

Oh, God. Really? Yeah, pickles are the worst thing. I think pickles are a very universally liked thing by women, though. It is. It is. Because it's a sexual innuendo. It's an aphrodisiac, similar to clams.

A pickle is? Yeah. Does that mean all pickled stuff is? Vinegar. It's very similar to sex smells. You're just making this shit up. Yeah, fuck it. Do you know why we call pickles pickles?

Because they're pickled. They're pickled. I know. It's a pickled cucumber. I know, but why? You could pickle carrots. We don't call them pickles. Yeah, why is an onion called a pickle?

I love pickled onions. I don't know. It's probably the first thing they pickled. See, that's everyone's answer, but I'm not buying it. You're not buying pickles or you're not buying the theory? The theory. I think pickles are getting a little selfish. Cucumber's pretty selfish.

You are now distracted by my ceiling. Yeah. They try to sell it as they're trying to be industrial, but they just didn't want to put any roofing on it. They didn't want to put any tiles or anything on it. Yeah, but let's be honest. If they put a drop-down ceiling here, do you know how small this apartment would feel?

It looks good, but I just saw the warning stickers. Oh, yeah. The writing is on the wall. It literally... Yeah, no, I've built a couple of these. This is my forte. There's a footprint somewhere. There's footprints

just on the floor. Yeah. Right there. Yeah, they didn't sand this part down either. Look at them right there next to the camera. Yeah, there's a footprint. Been there forever. That's forever?

Yeah. They didn't sand this part down either. They didn't do anything. This part's shiny. This part's not shiny. I was looking at it earlier. Oh, dude, they didn't. I mean, it's the old mall house, so.

Yeah. Hey. I like it. It's a nice apartment. It looks great. I mean, it looks like you have bags of money. I do. I do. A little less, less though took it and deposited all of it that's good which is yeah i had to i had to take it to my mother though because it looks a little suspicious me depositing x amount of dollars um um 47 000 yeah around there. With my income.

Income's not bad, but it's like, where do you get this amount of money in cash? Where's it coming from? Yeah. And so, just gave it to her. She transferred over to me. She deposits it. Or she goes, this is all my Christmas money. And I go, that's not how it works, Mom.

Mom, fuck off. Fuck off, Mom. No way. I love when my mom's like i made this much money today i'm like i made 0.2 percent of that it's so disrespectful i love it though i love it i think every mom has like phase like she does this she goes i'm in the mood to spend money i'm like oh boy yeah that's what my mom is my mom's a teacher so it's like when she tries to spend money i feel guilty but it's like fucking give me everything.

You know what I mean? It's like I- I'll take it. Yeah, it's like have fun with rent tomorrow, but- There are times where, a lot of times where I feel guilty, and then there are times where I'm like, you know what? Yeah. Yeah.

This is nice. This is nice. Yeah. Being spoiled, nothing's better than being spoiled by your mom. That's like a very true statement, I think. It's weird when your dad spoils you. You're like, what'd you do? Yeah. So did it by did you get in trouble yeah are you why are you spending like all right we go out to lunch fine yeah give me some of that eggnog but if he's how fast are

you drinking this well i i just keep keeps getting in the way and it pokes my nose so i just keep putting more in i'm not gonna lie to you i like it better with the added peanut butter all right sounds like you should just pour the rest of that in there, then. That sounds like that's what the plan is. I just, that's too thick. So. Rachel's heard that before. Is that your girl's name, Rachel?

Yeah. That was disrespectful, was it? Should we cut that? Blame it on the nog. No, it's okay. She'll be all right. Blame it on the nog. She's working right now.

She won't hear this. God, God. She's always working, huh? She's always working. She's always working. I swear to God, she's okay. She'll be all right. Blame it on the nog. She's working right now. She won't hear this. God, she's always working, huh? She's always working. She's always working. I swear to God, she's real. He's real, I tell you. I know.

She was on the last episode. She interviewed me the last episode. It was so fun. You had a good time with it? I saw some posts about it. I was like, I think this might be his girl. I don't know for sure. It 100% was.

It's Rachel. I was like, can we? because I asked her to do it. And she's like, fine. Yeah. And she goes, can we at least have topics to talk about? I go, yeah. Do you think of a few things you want to talk about? We talk about it.

Or if you want to ask me a few questions, go for it. And she came with a laundry list of things. The things she's been waiting to ask you? Since forever, probably. Were any of them pretty deep? No, they're just like, they're basic things. And things that she's been waiting to ask you? Since forever, probably. Were any of them pretty deep? No, they're just like, they're basic things. And then we did that Ick game that was on TikTok. The Ick?

That wasn't a good idea. Why? Did she tell you things that gave her the Ick about you? Yeah, and then I do it to her. And she had like pre-planned them out. I was like, I'm going to see how bad you get. And then I'm competitive. I just made it worse.

I was like, you need to shut up. Um, it gives tough. Yeah. And now like when we were in Boston, she would like, she would go, that's an egg for you.

The things I like, she would point out, no, she would point out X. I would have about her as she would do them. And I was like, yeah, these would have been way better to do

and would have been way better for an episode like one of the biggest one is like she puts on deodorant with one hand you put it on with two hands no no when you with the microphone show me how you put on deodorant yep now go to the other pit you switch hands no way okay yeah yeah that's fucking weird first time she did it first time she did it she i she i stared at her like i can't even talk right now i was like what are you doing she goes i'm putting on deodorant i go switch hands switch fucking hands you're not a circus act what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Whoa. She's going to hate me now. That's so funny.

All right. What was it next she had for you? Oh, a big one. I posted it. She doesn't like, like, I get holes in the crotch of my pants sometimes, and then I just keep wearing the pants. Like, I have a pair of black sweatpants in there. The crotch hole is so goddamn big i mean it's so big if i don't wear black shorts underneath the black sweatpants

it is so obvious and i the other day i just wore gray pants underneath it gray shorts to work and i was like i don't care and the only problem is a lot of times when i'm just in the apartment i'll free ball it just sweatshirt your ball was about the bottom of the floor. Just sweat shorts or sweat pants, and that's it. Like, I'm in the shower. I'm about to go to bed. I don't like sleeping in underwear, but I'll sleep in shorts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I wear briefs, and I would sit. There was one time I sat on the couch, and I just, like, put my legs up like this, and I felt my nuts come out. I was like, it might be time for new pants. Never got them. Still got them, but I just wear underwear my legs up like this. And I felt my nuts come out. I was like, it might be time for new pants. Never got them.

Still got them. But I just wear underwear with those now. Yeah. I did that. Took a couple pairs of my underwear and I haven't turned them out yet. And every time I put them on, I go, I have to throw these out. And I haven't. So, every time I feel my balls touch my jeans.

Well, I have a pair of athletic shorts. Like Lulu shorts. And they have a holder. Bring hold bring them back they'll keep they'll replace them for you that's what she keeps telling me but you know how lazy i am i'm not going all the way to brookfield to do that just go do it i know but i forget i'm very forgetful an 80 pair of shorts you better not have your balls hanging out of them like no well that's the thing is like i already have i always have compression shorts on when i work out so it's like they're not falling out yeah there's already's already two, three giant holes in my shorts.

What's a fourth? That's true. Is it a giant hole or is it just a hole? It's big enough where it's like, get it fixed. Could you put dick and balls through that hole? Mine, yeah. Yeah. Could do that with mine too.

But yeah, deodorant, one hand. That's fucking crazy shit. Do you feel like you know her now? That's two strikes. Bad piping work and bad deodorant. That's two strikes. Right now, she'll be watching it and be like, take it off the fucking table, Michael.

No, it looks good. I'm just teasing. I'm just teasing. Yeah, honestly, when we pulled it out of the box, I go, this is so warped. It's bad. These prepackaged ones are bad. What I learned growing up is doing gingerbread houses with graham crackers.

Yeah, I feel like that's a much better idea. Yeah, because you can make anything you want out of them. Yeah, you can break stuff like that. I don't know anyone. I don't know a single soul that makes their own gingerbread. You know how much work that has to be? And especially like so what you. To then just decorate it and not eat it. Right. single soul that makes their own gingerbread you know how much work that has to be and especially like so what you to then just decorate it and not eat it right well here's the thing is like you'd

have to you're gonna make up like a probably a plate of gingerbread dough like you're just gonna put it on a cookie sheet do you cut it out beforehand you have to do measurements like i'm not doing measurements make it make it perated. I'm never, never going to do that. No. It's like a lot of extra work. And if you can't eat it, growing up, there's a good... It doesn't look appetizing to me. No, that's not good.

Like, no, you don't want to eat that. It's too much of a masterpiece. You're backtracking right now. It's fucking bad. I do have to say, before she kills me, I helped a little bit. Okay, so what did you do? I tried, well, my piping was great on the inside,

and then we realized it wouldn't stick. On the inside of the house that you can't see anything. No, to get it to stick. Oh, okay. Are these icicles on purpose, or is this just dripping? I don't know. Just say yes to icicles on purpose, because they look like icicles on purpose. Let's keep twisting.

Let's keep twisting. That's this side. Oh, you didn't even see the other side yet. Okay. Is it worse? No. Okay. Just say these are icicles.

Yeah. Let's take the sprinkles off the snow, first off. I like the sprinkles. Snow's not colored. It can't be. You decorated that one. It can't be. That's why you're saying take the sprinkles off the snow first off. I like the sprinkles. Snow's not colored. It can't be. You decorated that one. It can't be. That's why you're saying I like the sprinkles.

No, I didn't do the sprinkles. Take the sprinkles off the snow. I like this. I like this dog thing on the top. It looks good. That's me. That one's you. Jesus.

Sorry, Rachel. This piping on this side. It's all right. I'm not going to go too much harder into this, but it's not better than this side. Also, we had X amount of piping. And were these candies supplied by the box, or did you have them sitting around? These are supplied by the box. So I'm going to blame the candies on the box because they're not Christmas colored.

They're pastel Easter colored. They're Easter colored. They're Easter colored. So this is definitely not on you or Rachel. This is Trader Joe's just passing off their extras. Yeah, they just had extra shit. They know you're not going to eat it. Do you know to make the icing, it was like milk, vinegar, lemon juice.

Yeah, they knew you weren't eating it. And it's like, oh, they're not going to eat this. No. They're probably like, oh, someone's just going to give this to a kid. Decorate it. It's not even going to be an A-frame. It's going to look like some abstract art. All in all, it's not even going to be an A-frame. It's going to look like, you know, some abstract art. All in all,

it's the right, it's the right shape. I understand the key elements of the decoration. The, like. You can only do so much with so little. Right, with what they give you. Because they don't do you any favors.

Like, if you want to have a really cool gingerbread house, you have to put in a crazy amount of effort. You have to, you have to go get specific candy. You have to go get, like, different piping materials you're not going to do that with this stuff i mean are you in the center of that camera by the way yeah okay cool just curious i've been kind of moving it out here just curious because i fit so much in it but you're way

bigger than i am sick crisscross out no we have not addressed the santa theme here You don't think they figured it out With your onesie Fucking Tim Allen In the center of us And your dark brooding pajamas With just a Santa hat that you found laying around I thought I had my Christmas sweaters here I don't

They're at my mother's You could have wore I have so many Christmas pajamas Why didn't you bring one for me? I told you to let me know if there's anything you need And you said no. And instead you're wearing Batman's pajamas with a Christmas hat on. Fuck off.

Well, I want to be Batman for Christmas, so fuck you. Batman doesn't have Christmas anymore. His parents are dead. Santa Claus. Alfred. Alfred. Alfred the elf. No, I do want to bring up.

Alfred the Elf. No, I do want to bring up, we just glazed over your car ride home from Madison the other day. Yes. Have you not talked about this anywhere? You had to have talked about this with Brandon. Not on anything because we haven't filmed anything. I mean, a month, like three months ago, right? Is that how deep those go?

They're pretty deep. Since you've been on. I forgot about that. I'm not even out. You're not out. That out yeah that's not good the most recent one that hasn't been out and we had reagan eric drew drew came out you reagan eric eric smith smith um connor o'hara connor's great connor's so fucking funny. He came in, he was the first one to bring his own drinks. And he made his own drinks for us. It was pretty sick. Well, have me on again. I'll bring you some cocktails.

I love making drinks. Do it. Can we do it on a weekend? Well, we can certainly try. I have to find a weekend where I'm not working. Yeah, that's fair. I mean, I can still roll in, but I just have to. It's just the improv.

Yeah. It's not that big of a deal. I'd tell It's just the improv. Yeah. Shut the boot. I'm telling my life. Someone drunk. Yeah. I'm jealous. But let's backtrack. We, the day we didn't go out or we didn't get on.

That was the start of your bender. We didn't go to my bender. We drove back. And Brandon has a thing where he likes stopping at a quick trip, going there and going back. I don't know how it got brought up, but did Brandon just offer you, hey, if you eat this entire pumpkin pie, I'll buy it for you? Yeah, Brandon just saw a pie and thought it was like an opportunity to make me like squirm. I like to be challenged.

And it's not like because I think I'm going to do it. It's just more like, oh, it is because I think I can do everything. He keeps you busy, too. Yeah, he's like, if you eat this entire pumpkin pie before we get home i'll buy it for you and it's a pumpkin pie i can smash that it wasn't that big either like it's a normal like nine inch pie kind of thing if i didn't eat it you'd guys be like what the fuck like you know what i mean oh yeah well here's the thing we got in the car and i go, he's going to eat this in 15 minutes. Thank you for a little bit of belief. Brandon didn't know.

He didn't know the scope of what was going on there. I had besides the celebratory or like the initial first bite I took of that and what you ate next, which was disgusting. It was a lot of pie. You ate that in 10, 15 minutes. Yeah, it was quick. And then we stopped at another quick trip to get another pie, and they did not have pie. So Brandon got an entire tray of Rice Krispies.

Rice Krispies. And I don't even know how big it was. It's probably maybe... Pick up the pillow next to you. It's bigger than this pillow. No, next to you. Like these two pillows. It was...

A little bit smaller. It was It was 24 Like full size Rice Krispie treats It was Over 4400 Calories of Rice Krispies Dude it was

I mean It was so much Rice Krispie treat Just one Cause I had one On the way up Yeah Phenomenal

It's perfect A little sweet good texture it's got tang to it too and you don't notice that until you've eaten a lot of them and it tastes like razor blades it was so bad I because I remember like being like all right this is going to be easy because it's going down so nice you got to chew it that's the problem pumpkin pie just kind of like slides apart in your mouth slides down and so as i was eating the rice crispy i was holding it i took it out of the wrap it was holding it and eventually like my warm hands like started melting the marshmallow like marshmallow cement that was keeping those rice crispy bricks

together and it just started falling apart in my hands i went to work the week after thinking i washed my shirt that i was wearing that night i did did not. I had a Rice Krispie bib on my chest. I went into a meeting and looked down and was like, oh, fuck. I put my jacket on. It was bad. I was just covered in Rice Krispies. My pants were stained.

His car seat was stained. It was just falling apart. There was nothing we could do to fix it. You rolled into a burrito and it was the size of your head. It was so big. It was disgusting. It looked like a yoga mat. Yeah.

It did. It did look like a yoga mat. I tried to fight through it, but it was too much. It was too much for me, even for me. I would have been throwing up all night if I did that. To me, probably. Well, I told you every time I shit that day. How long? I got a picture.

Thank you for that. How long did it take you to fall asleep? Because the sugar high had been insane. I was up until 4 a.m. Really? Yeah. Doing what? Did you order B-dubs?

No, I did not order B-dubs no i did not order v-dubs i haven't honestly i haven't ordered be honest be honest did you have something to eat when you got home no because my stomach was so full i stayed up i tried to write a little bit and then i played some video games and then i watched a couple like episodes of whatever tv show i was watching are you big into video games yeah like video games oh yeah you used to stream what's your what's your go-to um right now my go-to um i was just playing the god of war from 2018 and i started playing spider-man i play whatever like i don't have um i like playing call of duty but it's only when my friends can play and i usually can't play when they can play because i'm either doing something for like I'm either coming home from work,

going and doing something comedy-wise, or doing something with my girl because when I'm not doing comedy, she'll be awake, so I have to make sure I spend time with her so she doesn't feel lonely. So then by the time I get on, it's like 10 o'clock and everyone's in bed. It's like, I don't want to come play that.

That's fair. I haven't played Call of Duty since high school. I enjoyed it though when I was like MW2. I think that's what everyone's like. I used to play it. It was like MW2. That was the best of it.

I mean, but it's nice because I have a bunch of good friends from Florida still and then some friends back home, which is only like an hour and a half,

two hours, but we don't see each other very often just because we're busy. So when we get on, it's like, let's all just get on and have a good day, talk shit to each other hour and a half, two hours, but we don't see each other very often just because we're like busy. So like when we get on, it's like, let's all just get on and have a good day. Like talk shit. That's fun. Yeah.

That's like the, it's more for that. And just an excuse. Like we don't care that much about the game. We're just in there to talk shit. Cause I'm not going to fucking call. I'm not gay. You know what I mean? Yeah.

That's tough. Blame it on the dog. Blame that one on the dog. You know, you should check up on your friends, but how often do you? Um, I, I talked to my friends a lot like people would be surprised um with my hometown like high school friends like i talked to him probably at least once or twice a week um my best friend who's gonna be like my best man at my wedding we like are it's like one of those friends where you don't have to like be in constant communication with each other and then once you see each other you're like oh yeah yeah so that's how you know

it's a good friendship though yeah so we'll like talk maybe once a week but it's more just like sending each other memes that's fair yeah see i'm the opposite i think if we put like the friends i would have right now in a bachelor party besides my roommate who i don't even see every day i don't talk to them yeah it's tough but i mean they're still like your friends like you could have them to a bachelor party wouldn't feel weird oh not even a little bit but like when i do you pick back up which is nice it is there are some times where i've just we're all so fucking stubborn we're like i'm not gonna be like hey man how are you yeah you guys are like so masculine you're like that kind of emotional my boys and i if one of us gets drunk we're sending everyone emotional texts like that's just like how it is oh god i hate those people

it's not like crazy just like dude i love you man miss you like that kind of shit that's fine okay good it's not like calling me like like, dude, I love you, man. I miss you. Like that kind of shit. That's fine. Okay, good. It's not like calling me like, hey, man, like I just really want to wish we were hanging out partying right now. As long as you're not that person in person. No, no, no. I hate those. Where all of a sudden, like a guy you barely know or you hang out with every once in a while, you're drunk.

He goes, I just want to let you know you mean the world to me. I'm like, I'll do anything for you. And like, seriously, I love you, man. It's like I've known you for three months. Yeah, no, that's like a kick rocks thing where it's like you're, one, you're drunk and that's, like, affecting what you're saying right now. And there's, like, a difference in people that you know know and people that, like, kind of know you

and are just, like, starting to connect with you. Because I feel like the people that, like, you're close close with like you can get you can get like those vibes from them but they don't have to sit there and be like hammered to say it to you oh that's a big difference that's how you know if you're close to someone is if someone comes up to you and does that and you're like holy shit like yeah man i love you too yeah that's good friend but if someone does that to it and you're like yeah yeah, how do I get out of this? Yeah. How do I get this to end as quickly as possible?

Just give him like a knuckle bump and say, like, you too, buddy. Blackout Wednesday. You know what Blackout Wednesday is, right? Yeah. One of my least favorite days. One of your least? Yeah. Because that's all that night is.

Yeah. That's all that night is. So, like, we always try to find ways to make sure, like, all of us are just, like, hanging out together. Like, we'll just be like, let always try to find ways to make sure like all of us are just like hanging out together. Like we'll just be like, let's have a house party at our place. Yeah. Yeah.

I would much rather do way more fun, way more fun to do like a house party with a select group of people. Then go to a bar where everyone and their mother from high school is. Right. And then you're playing like, Oh man, how are you? I don't care that you're in a church band. Like I't give a fuck oh you're doing stand-up that's so cool

how does that work where do you perform you just write naturally or is it like you don't care i don't care i haven't talked to you since this time last year why are we even pretending right now yeah the only time it was fun was when I was single. And I was like, let's see what happens here. It wasn't even fun then. But even then, when I was single, I would end up going back with my current fiance. Because we dated beforehand, and then we kept getting back together on Blackout Wednesday. But it's always like, besides this year, I'll always find some way I end up at that place for a little bit because there

are people you do want to see there right but then you're like but it comes with extra baggage yeah it does but it's not my favorite holiday blackout Wednesday it's fun when because the best part about it is that everyone comes home you need to be able to pick and choose who you want to be there and the people that want to choose like so if I sent out a group text like my boys like the girls in the group that were friends there all the boys would be like all right i'll be there except for maybe one because he would want to still try to get laid yeah and then the girls would be like 50 50 like if they want to hang out with other girls that they're friends with yeah or if they want to hang out with the guys that's what's tough it's easy to do that when you're like if you had a group in high school

you're just like you're that was your group versus i felt like i had some friends this grade friends this grade that group this group you're like i kind of want to see all of them you kind of have to go to a neutral ground because i can't have x and z together and a little bit of y and it's like that doesn't make sense so that's like where it goes kind of all around but it's good seeing everyone from there it's good seeing like my college buddies they're not going to be there for blackout wednesday but like it's good to try to find like a like a time to see everyone i wish blackout wednesday now was my college buddies blackout wednesday if they made blackout wednesday a college town thing would be so much fun so much way more fun way more fun like imagine if you just went back to your college town and just fucking hung out with all your boys from

there like everyone from like your little era that's the thing with college too is like i want my boys from then and then like everyone that was also around too like give me like an og day at kk or w yeah you're like oh fuck yeah there's no people you're not going there you're like wow this person's a kid that's isn't that weird do you ever get that where you go into a bar and you're like holy shit everyone here is so much younger than me when i was in college because i stayed an extra semester and and that's one of the reasons I knew it was time for you to go, is you walk into a bar, and the year prior, you go in, your buddies are in the corner by the dartboard, you're playing games, you're like, you know what, after an hour, I'm going to do a lap.

And it takes you a half hour to do a lap because, you know, this group of girls, this group of guys, someone from class, this person, that person, come come back and you got like two people with you or something like that like that's fun yeah and then you go in and you're like i only know you three that i came with and it's not the same it's not the same you don't know anyone everyone's like all of a sudden the freshmen start coming to the bar like 8 p.m so the line's like twice as long. It takes you an hour to get in.

You're like, all right, my time's up. This is done. The fact that I'm like, I'm done waiting in line. I'm done doing laps. I'm good. I'm like, all right, I got to buzz. I'm here for an hour. I'm out.

I don't need to be going to say hi to everyone. That's why dive bars are so sick now. Oh, they're the best. Dive bars are by far the best thing because there's no line. You go in. You can be as like sloshy as you want. Yeah. Sometimes they're randomly packed, which is really fun too.

Yeah. Because everyone's got the same mentality. Everyone's like, we're here to drink and have fun. They're not looking for anything. They're not looking to hook up. They're like, I'm here to just have fun. I'm here to smoke cigarettes inside and fucking chug beers walking into like a hookup culture bar even if you're single when you get older sucks yeah you feel dirty it's just well i i don't like the like brothers down here oh yeah

you go in and then you go to the left and it's i don't know a hundred kids ages 18 to 21 nuts to butt just soaking wet and you got like the 15 cool kids that are like on the ledge just staring down on everyone yeah like who's my prey tonight that sounds really fucking bad but it's true though it's like so true some creep just sitting there like who am i gonna try to go for now and you're like Do I walk No No I'm out We used to play pool

During mug club Which is Thursday nights Where all you can drink there That was fun Cause you could just go there And then Eventually Is pool your bar game of choice

Ours is mine Darts I think ours is darts Darts for sure Cause pool like you actually If you get at stuff Darts you can like Sometimes blindly

Fucking kill it You get a partner That's drunk enough You're like All I hit is tri good at stuff darts you can like sometimes blindly fucking kill it you get a partner that's drunk enough you're like all I hit is triples you're like fuck you Courtney yeah yeah

it's so true we used to have a dartboard in our apartment and uh we would play dodgeball with our darts in our apartment that one's interesting

we would be like duck and we would just launch the darts as fast as we could down the hallway and like they'd get stuck in the walls. We tried to kill...

One of our roommates had fish. We tried to kill our roommate's fish with them. Interesting. But we would do it from across the room. We weren't right in front of it. We were just like, let's see if we can get it. Did you ever kill it? No, but we got them stuck in the glass of the fish tank.

Jesus. You can't remove them then. Nope. They were stuck in there. Very expensive darts, too. It was a really. Nope, they were stuck in there. Very expensive darts too. It was a really nice dartboard. Darts are fine, but I prefer the plastic ones. Big Buck Hunter?

Yeah, the one that keeps the score for you. I grew up playing in college. The plastic board. They're like, I got this nice corkboard at home. I love the corkboard. I'm like, these feel weird i got this nice cork board at home these like i love the cardboard and i'm like these feel weird i love the cork board give me the cheap ones give me no because when it lands it'll always stick when it sticks it'll stick yeah but sometimes you get lucky with the plastic once you throw it it just hits bounce off and like you hit 13 it's like it said triple 20 yep it's true

god was on my side tonight yeah that was fun do you think santa claus is a god do you think he is a god or has a god is god where do you think santa claus is like saint claus saint nicholas but here's the thing is there's already saint nick's day why would we have uh christmas and saint nicholas would just go around and do another like saint nick's day just a warm-up run yeah i feel like we should be more informed before i even talk about this but yeah that doesn't make sense we have saint nick and then santa claus day or christmas christmas is a celebration of

jesus's birth jesus's birth but it's just celebration of presents it's just presents it's just presents i've never once said happy birthday, Jesus, while opening an Xbox. You know what I mean? No. No one said happy birthday, Jesus, while opening an Xbox. Do you go to church Christmas Eve or Christmas?

We used to. We used to, too. It was such a fucking bogus thing. I think we disappointed my father, but I hated it. Do you go to church growing up? Yeah, on and off. There'd be times where my...

We used to go all the time. And then my dad and mom got bad at going. And then my dad would get sporadic. Like, we're going to church for four straight weeks. And then we're like, what the fuck is happening? We haven't gone for three months. Why are we going again? And then he misses one.

And we're like, sweet. It's like going to the gym again. Yeah. And then he misses another one. It's like another month and a half off. He goes, we're going to church again. I'm like, God damn it. Fuck.

He goes, don't say that. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah, it was like sporadic. And then we slowly became Christers for anyone who doesn't know that Christmas and Easter. Sure. Yeah. And then it was just Christmas. And then it was just Christmas.

And then it was just no mass. Yeah. The weirdest thing was I went to private school until middle school, growing through middle school. My parents did never, never took me to church except for Christmas. Well, that was the worst is might've like,

you gotta go once a week. And so once a month, I believe, or every other week we would have mass during school. During school. And when he was in his kick, he'd be like, all right, we're going. I'm like, we fucking went Tuesday. I don't need to go again.

Not going again, dude. I know the whole thing. He goes, really? I go, no, I didn't pay attention. No. Did your church have those pamphlets that kids could color in or draw on during church? No, we were an old school church. Old school church.

Ours was too. I guess not really. It got renovated. It was just a normal Catholic church. Ours was just, everyone was extremely old. It wasn't kid friendly. There was another church that was nearby that was another private school, and they were very kid friendly. friendly. There was another church that was nearby that was another private school and they were very

kid friendly. They had a priest that had a renovated school bus. He was really cool. For the priest that was kid friendly, a renovated school bus. Yeah, it had shade carpeting on the inside. This is worse

and worse. What is the name of the school? I'm not saying it, but he didn't do anything wrong. Father Tom's going to prison. He didn't do anything wrong. Father Tom's going to prison. He didn't do anything wrong. He was a really cool dude. Did he touch you? No, he never touched me because I didn't go to that church. Oh, he used to be an altar boy, too.

Didn't get touched with that either. I was a fat kid. That's my way. What's the alibi? There's no way that father touched anyone. That guy had a wife. He was fucking women. There's no way that guy walked out of town a like i had a wife like he was fucking women there's no way that guy older the women his age for sure there's no way that guy didn't sling

just the way just looking at him that's a bs rule in the cali church you just can't it's really dumb even god fucked mary yeah if you want you want to eliminate some of the pedophilia let them touch someone right their own age right i know that's that's the big thing i think because there's deacons and there's pastors and they're they're all good yeah but i think the thing is is like back in the day like original priests were just like god's saying you should fuck me yeah and. And then they'd be like, guess we gotta fuck him. So they, like, eventually were like, no, dude, no fucking, no fucking, no fucking. Like, they just had to.

Because it's just, like, politicians, they're just, like, guys with a lot of money. Like, it's just, like, anybody in, like, a position of power, they'd be like, you should do this or else. Your word is God, basically. Yeah, like, oh my gosh, God says you should suck my penis forever and ever. And then he's just kind of, he's like, ah.

You know what I mean? Like, that's what it was. And then they're just like, okay, this guy, we need to make a rule about this. You'd think they'd change it, though, now. Now, yeah. Church, I mean, basically almost every religion. I mean, I could also be speaking out of my pocket. I have no idea. It's like dying. No, I'm pretty sure that was spot on. I feel like basically almost every religion. I mean, I could also be speaking out of my pocket. I have no idea.

It's like dying. No, I'm pretty sure that was spot on. I feel like they're all dying. I think Muslim is like doing well still. But Catholicism is dying. Catholicism, what? Presbyterian? Episcopalian?

I have no idea what the fuck is. I don't eat fish? Is that what it is? I don't know. Is that a diet? Presbyterian. That's what it is. Mediterranean. Jews are going strong. I don't think. Is that a diet? Presbyterian. That's what that is. Mediterranean.

Jews are going strong. I don't think they're losing people. I think they're just consistently being low numbers, but they're keeping their stock lean. They're doing good. The Jews? Yeah. I feel like they're just like...

They're in the news a lot right now. Yo. Yeah. But you want to know why? It's because I think they're just good at everything because they don't let everyone in. They have like very – You and Kanye should talk.

What? No, no, no, no, no. I think Jews are great. Dude, what a – I saw clips of that interview. He's like, I think Hitler did good things. He goes, I love Hitler. Now the fact that that is going to be on for me. It's so funny.

No, the fact that he's like, yeah, no, I think Hitler had some good thoughts. Like, what the fuck, Kanye? He, like, I don't think he's going to come back now. I don't think he can come back. Do you? There's something to be said about, like, this man's so far gone. Yeah. He just needs more medication.

He actually needs medication. Do you think it even was Kanye? Like like you didn't see his face in it that was so absurd i saw uh it wasn't a video podcast it was but he had like his fucking oh he had his hood on what i don't know what it was his like bdsm mask yeah yeah i mean that... Maybe one of them wasn't Kanye. Fucking Alex Jones is just like, let's find someone who says... But the thing is, like, Kanye could come out and be like, that wasn't me, and no one would believe him now. Yeah, no, that dude is... I don't think he'll ever come back.

I don't think he can come back. I watched, like, a brief clip of Andrew Schultz talking about that interview or just him in general. Yeah. And he said, Kanye's one of the greatest producers of all time. He was really good at producing music, taking clips from everywhere that you don't think would be good on their own and making it great. And now he's trying to do it with rhetoric yeah and he's not doing it well he's just not as good at it i would go as far to say he's fucking horrendous at it he's really bad the fact that the first sample you pick is

you know in support of mr. Adolf Hitler. Right. I don't know, like, what would be the equivalent sound? I'd be like, that's a no-no. Like, you know what? I'm going to make the greatest rap song. Eminem saying the N-word. That's like the equivalent. It's like, I'm going to make the greatest rap song ever.

Eminem picks the N-word, Baby Shark, and what does the fox say? Yeah. And you're like, I don't know if that's going to work. No, I don't think that would work, Eminem. No, I just think, yeah, I don't think there that's gonna work no i don't think that would work i don't know no i i just think yeah i don't think there's any coming back i don't think there is but honestly he could surprise us he's like very good with music and he's owns like every fashion thing ever he's really good at it are they all dropping him on stuff though yeah because they're all jews that's fair that's fair why are you guys so hurt i'm just kidding yeah honestly like fucking have you tried christmas yeah well honestly is is hanukkah or christmas a better holiday and we can all argue

this but i just think christmas has so much more magic because jews are like let's light candles and have my parents give me presents where it's like not like there's no kid enjoyment. There's no magic to it. Right. I think Christmas is like Disney World. We need a Jewish person here to debate this. Do we know? Jake! Is Jake Jewish? Can you pretend to be Jewish for like five minutes?

No, that's morally wrong? Okay. All right. I don't think they have, like, a Santa purse. Like, they don't have that figure. Jew Claus. Jew Claus. Dreidel Claus?

Dreidel Claus. No, I mean, people are like, it's way better we get presents for eight straight days. It's like, well, I get eight presents on one day. Right. Like, I would argue my one day is greater than your eight days. Your eight days. Like, you've had eight mediocre days. I had one phenomenal day. Really good day.

With good food. Would you rather have sex once or eight handjobs? Sex once. I would rather have no handjobs. Yeah. I'd rather have no handjobs. Yeah. I'd rather just take care of it myself.

That's what Hanukkah is Hanukkah is giving yourself a hand job because you're buying your own fucking gifts Christmas is there's this just magical fucking pussy that comes out of nowhere and just gives you all these gifts

and it'll squirt on you and it'll let you do anal like it'll just do anything that's what Christmas is it just performs all your dreams it's just one big butt just one big butt Tim Allen is Santa Claus, though.

We did already kind of talk about this. Tim Allen is Christmas. Top five Christmas movies. Santa Claus, Santa Claus 1. Santa Claus 1, Santa Claus 2. Yeah, Santa Claus, Santa Claus 2. Christmas with the Cranks. Yeah, you like that one.

I've never seen it. You have to watch it. It'll be your top three. And then Tim Allen's the king of Christmas. He is the king of Christmas. But with Christmas with the Cranks, he's the main character in that, too. I'll have to watch it. Where can I watch it?

I think you have to rent it for like $2.99. That's fine. But it's good. It's him and Jamie Lee Curtis. They're married. And they are skipping Christmas. Interesting. It's fucking good.

And then after that, Elf. I just watched Elf two nights ago. That's a good one. I watched Santa Claus one. Nostalgic for me, Jingle All The Way. I'm okay with that. I watched it with my grandparents. I think that just kind of ruined it for me because it just smelled like old people.

You know what I mean? That movie is old people. But I always wanted to be Turbo Man. Turbo Man is sweet. You know what? When do you think is the next great christmas movie is gonna come out because the last like staple is elf and it's been a while since elf's been out i think have you watched klaus no it's an animated movie and i was gonna

put this as number five for best christmas movie um and it's because it's a completely different take on Christmas, but Santa Claus originates as just like this axe murderer. Interesting. That he doesn't kill anyone, but he's just like this badass lumberjack, and it shows how he ends up becoming Santa Claus through blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I also just recently watched A Violent Night. Have you seen that? No.

Have you seen previews for that? No. So basically, if you watch Black Widow. No. Oh, my God. What the fuck? Stranger Things. Yeah.

There's a guy with a beard. He's, I forget his name. Okay. But he's a guy with a beard, and he is Santa Claus in this movie. And basically, Santa Claus is a drunk who is mad because no one believes in Santa Claus anymore and then at some point throughout him delivering presents someone tries to kidnap and like steal money from this like rich family and there's like a daughter there that loves Santa Claus so Santa Claus how did we just lose power? I have no idea. So Santa Claus, what he ended up doing. Here, give me it while you talk.

So Santa Claus got in contact with his girl, and he went back to his old Viking roots, and he used to murder people with hammers as a Viking, and he became Santa Claus throughout the time period. And so he found a sledgehammer and just killed people. It was taken, but Santa Claus was the like killed people. It was like taken. But Santa Claus was the one kicking ass. It was.

Violent Nights. Where can I watch this one? I got to rent that. Movie theater. Movie theater? Yep. Is it new? Yeah it just came out.

Because my girl was like I want to go see a movie. And it was at like 9 o'clock. And there was no other movies on except for Violent Night at 1030. I haven't been to a theater in forever. You should go to a theater. Theaters are fucking great. They so fun i like that like you just have some popcorn some candy um nope shut up 48 hours 48 hours my ass it just turned off yeah um but yeah it's not a classic but you'll get a kick out of it. I saw it on Hallmark Christmas Person. And you know what?

Every Christmas movie is going to be a little cheesy. Every single one of them. I just watched Christmas Chronicles and Christmas Chronicles 2. There's two of them. No way. Kurt Russell as Santa Claus. Have you seen these? Kurt Russell is so good.

I've seen the beginning of the first one. He has a scene where he's in jail and they sing a song. And usually I'm not like, I don't like when people sing. But was it a good song? Oh my God, dude. I tried putting it on my Christmas playlist. It was so fucking good. I'll have to watch it.

Was it on two or one? One. Yeah, and I was like, you know what? That wasn't a bad movie. I'll watch two. it. Was it on 2 or 1? 1. Yeah, and I was like, you know what? That wasn't a bad movie. I was like, I'll watch 2. 2 wasn't terrible. 2 was like, I would rate Christmas Chronicles 1 kind of like in between. I would give it 1 as like a 2 on the Santa Claus scale.

So it's the equivalent of like Santa Claus 2. Gotcha. And then 2 is like between 2 and 3. Like there's like, it's the equivalent of like Santa Claus 2. Gotcha. And then 2 is like between 2 and 3. Like there's no jackpot. It's not 3 though. It's not 3. 3 is fucking terrible.

3 is bad. This, have you seen the series? The Santa Claus series? No, I was going to ask you about that. Don't watch it. Really?

Is it going to ruin? Yeah, it'll ruin it. It'll ruin it. Where can I watch that one? Disney Plus. It looks like we're like trying to get like sponsors.

Like, oh, where can you watch it? Oh, you can watch it on Disney Plus for $9.99+. It looks like we're trying to get sponsors. Like, oh, where can you watch it? Oh, you can watch it on Disney+. Well, everything we're saying is not worth it. Not worth it. Not worth it. But it's not good.

I mean, Tim Allen's old. He does not look like what you think. He looks nothing like that. He looks ancient. And part of it is he is not Santa for a while again. So he doesn't have a beard. He loses weight and he why does he lose it i don't want to know but like um just lose santa claus ship um he just

wants to retire that's what it is there's like honestly no like spoiler there the rest those spoilers are like from who becomes santa what happens after that kind of thing oh by the way the christmas chronicles one they pay in my opinion opinion, if you like Santa Claus as much as I do, which I think you do, and you know every detail of it, they pay homage to it a bit. Oh, nice. Okay. There's little things in there that reminds me of the goat. Also, there's no Bernard in Santa Claus's. In which one?

The new TV show. I thought I saw a video where there is. Maybe he comes in at the end, but he wasn't there for the first... That's on Hulu? No, Disney Plus. Weekly release on Disney Plus. I gotta get Disney Plus back up on the TV. You can get Disney Plus and you get a package with ESPN Plus, Hulu, and Disney Plus. It's like $10. I need to get Disney Plus back up on the TV. You can get Disney Plus, and you get a package with ESPN Plus, Hulu, and Disney Plus.

It's like $10. I need to. I have a login. I just don't know where it is. We have a family login. I'm saving Santa Claus to watch with the lady because she's never seen it. Is she coming back?

Yeah, she gets back next week, Wednesday. Can be back for the holidays for a while? She is, yeah. Perfect time. It was either this or Thanksgiving. And much rather have you here for Christmas than Thanksgiving. Absolutely. Christmas is way more fun.

Oh, so much more fun. And you get to give her gifts. The gifts are fun. I like the gifts. Giving gifts is fun. I typically don't like most gifts I get anymore. What's your take on lists? I like lists because here's the thing.

I've realized that I'm not good at giving people lists of things that I would like. I'm terrible at it. I told my mom jump ropes one year. I got nine. I got nine jump ropes. She thought it was the funniest thing. Everyone was wrapped basically the same except for one that had a box. It was just like, oh, it's clothing, like a typical clothing box for jump rope it's so funny your mom's a riot oh my

that's where i get my sense of humor that's so funny no like i feel like i've noticed that people are bad at giving gifts i'm bad at communicating what i would like so when i tell people like what i want people people are like what do you what would you like and I go I don't need anything and then they buy me something that I don't want it's like I should just say I would like a t-shirt yeah I would like socks or I would like because I do this painting thing so I was like I would like paint or a brush so like you paint I paint we'll get in there later it's really not cool it's like I wish I wish I would just explain it to them better

as opposed to me saying, I don't need anything because they're going to want to buy me something. They're going to buy me something. Grandparents are going to buy me something. My fiance is going to buy me something. My mom, my soon-to-be father and mother-in-law, they're all going to buy me something.

So I should just be more open about what I want. So it's not them giving bad gifts. It's me being a bad communicator. But I love giving gifts because what I do is like when people talk about things that they're like I write that shit down right away.

I love giving gifts. I think I'm pretty damn good at it. I'm the same way as you. I'm not good at giving someone a list. Right. Like Rachel asked for a list and I put

one, maybe two things on it and it's the same thing I gave my mother. I'm like, I'm probably getting the same thing. It's been twice, yeah. Was it on an Amazon list? Was it what? Was it on an Amazon list? No, I just shared a note on my phone.

I was like, I'll take this T-shirt. But I also like a whole list. You're like, then you know everything you're getting, and that isn't fun to me. That's true. I think some of the fun of Christmas, when you're a kid, you go down and you're like, what did I get? Yeah, that was the excitement of it because you just circled everything in the magazine. Yeah, and did you do it too?

So your mom would give you the Target and the Walmart catalog, and we had stickers because there's three of us red sticker was michael green andrew blue steven and you just sticker everything and then you made like a list of like your top 30 things you're like i hope i get all of them but you don't know yeah and then you're like what did i actually get and you get like four of them in a bunch of clothes yeah um but those four are like an electric yeah the clothes clothes are electric too. So here's my list right now. I've got Undetectable Mouth Jiggler for when I work from home and I want my teams to still seem active. So it never says I'm away from my computer, which is good. So I put that there.

A book. A desk lamp. Hold on. Hold on. Does it just say a book? No, it's a nerdy book. What's the book? It's a Warhammer Horus Heresy box set, volumes one through two.

You read? Yeah. Really? You don't strike me as a reader. Big fantasy reader. Are you an anime guy? No. I see you're more like you would like the Game of Thrones books.

Right. Yeah. Okay. A desk lamp because I need better lighting when I paint. like you would like the Game of Thrones books. Right. Okay. A desk lamp because I need better lighting when I paint. An airbrush for painting. A paint organizer. A t-shirt that just is like a graphic t-shirt.

And then a magnifying glass for painting. Okay. That list is great. How many people are you giving that list to? I'm giving that list to two people. Okay. That list is great. How many people are you giving that list to? I'm giving that list to two people. Okay. That list is great. Mine? Let me read you mine.

This is... I don't even know where my list is. That's how little I look at it. Is it an Amazon list or do you just make it up? No, I just like... This is what I have. It's called Michael's Subpar Christmas List. You even knew what it was.

Like you're just. Replacement Yeti mug for the one I lost. You already got it. Or just the slide so I can lock the lid. That's it. You got both of those. I got both of them already. Black joggers.

Yeah, okay. That's easy. Which, to be honest, I would have gotten two already if they fit. So I got both of them already. Black joggers. Yeah, okay. That's easy. Which, to be honest, I would have gotten two already if they fit. So I got them. Or shorts slash sweatpants. Six or seven inch waist. Or like C. Yeah.

That's it. And then that's what I sent my girlfriend. What I sent my mother. You did tell your brother what you wanted though that was a good thing but it's again it's not a surprise no that's what i sent my girlfriend and i got those things basically which is nice no but i'm saying the uh for your what you got asked your brother for yes so that's but that's like because i've mentioned i finally put that on like two weeks ago. Yeah. He got that. And then I'll put, um,

I, so like, I just have a list, just a general list of things I eventually would like to buy myself. Yeah. And so on it, cause I love cooking much like you is I wanted, you ever seen those uni ovens?

Yes. Yes. So I was like, this would be really cool to have. Cause I love like wood fire pizza. And my mom's like, I'll get you an Ooni oven for Christmas. Fuck yeah. I was like, that's great.

She goes, which one did you want? And then in my head, I'm like, I don't need one. So I was like, yeah, no, you don't have to. Like, that's a lot of money. I don't want it. Right. She goes, are you sure? Like, I can get 20% off right now.

Like, I will get you the Ooni oven. I'm like, realistically, how often am I going to use it? I go, once someone's like, I'll get it for you. I'm like, all right, how often am I going to use it? Is it realistic? Is it realistic? Which defeats the purpose of a fucking present. Like, it's not supposed to be used.

It's like a cool gift. That would have been a great gift, but I'm like, because I try to get it. I don't want you to spend your money on something that I don't but i also like hey this would be cool to just have but i'm not going to use it as much as i would feel is worth buying it but think about this like if do you want to like make a pizza like if you're having like friends over and you're like hey let me make pizzas for you guys or if like your girl comes in like and visits again you'd be like i'm gonna make pizza for us like there's like so many cool things you could use it for, but you don't think about it in the time. Exactly.

Where you're just like, I'm never going to cook pizza. I'm never going to do that shit. Well, that's the thing. How often am I doing that one? I also like to eat relatively healthy during the week. So I'm like, I'm not making pizza during the week. I also live in Wisconsin. I have to be outside to use that.

Four to five months out of the year tough do you have a patio we we have a rooftop so i now have to take it upstairs and then go do that like if i had a balcony for sure easy but the whole all right unpack it pack it put it upstairs all that bullshit no yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's something you would want when you move out of an apartment. And have a backyard. Yep. So it's probably a good move you wait until later. And then because by the time I actually do or I will use it more,

it'll probably be like the Uni 6. Yeah. And I can control it from my phone. It makes the dough for you overnight. That'd be sick. That's 6. Yeah. And I can control it from my phone. It makes the dough for you overnight. That'd be sick. That's the worst part. Make the dough. Dough sucks.

We're going to wrap this up soon because I don't want to edit this all day tomorrow. What time is it? How long have we been doing this? An hour and 10 minutes. Perfect. I know. I feel like we didn't talk a lot. We're dressed as Christmas.

We didn't talk. I told you that. You said, don't you think people see all the decorations and think we're talking about Christmas? No, we talked about me eating pumpkin pie for 15 minutes. Yeah, that was disgusting. When did you get told Santa Claus isn't real? That's a good one. I don't think I ever was.

You just figured it out? Yeah. Yeah. I think, and I was hesitant to really buy into it. Are you the oldest? I knew he wasn't real. I'm the oldest yeah but we used to do the santa tracker thing you ever do that no she tried this year you can do

santa tracker and just go online and they'll tell you where santa is in the world and so yeah that's cool it's really cool and so when it got to the states my mom they're like you need to go to bed that's sick close yeah we did my and this is like i think where i like really fell in love with christmas is how much my parents like put into it because i've seen posts or like the best part about christmas as a parent or as an adult is like reliving the magic of christmas from the other side which is so true and not to get like it's not sappy but it's fun like that so fucking fun constantly even as adults looking for that wonder which is awesome so my parents did we had the santa tracker tried this you could do it do it christmas eve i don't think you can do it now i think you just say he's at the north pole yeah um but my dad we hunt so my dad put a trail cam in our living room and they had our neighbor dress up as santa claus with a sack of toys yep come in and put presents

and we had pictures of santa claus we're like he's fucking real. Yeah, we got him. And then my dad saved the hose of a deer and put tracks in the snow and stuff like that and all that. Like, that's fun. It's fun as fuck. And imagine you doing that with your wife. You guys are going to have so much fun. You guys are going to be drunk off eggnog or boozing up a little bit with some hot chocolate.

And you're going to be giggling like, oh, we're going to get him real good with this one. Yeah. You got the present they really really want they didn't expect to get it's like fucking tammy's getting a brand new xbox like my parents did that like one of the gifts was a we got i'll never forget this we opened it up it was to me and my brothers it was mario kart double dash on gamecube that's sick and we all looked at each other like we don't have a GameCube. That's what my parents did to me with a PlayStation. That's so spot on.

They did the exact same thing. Santa forgot to give me a present. Yeah. And so my parents were like, hey, Jack, can you go out and grab the mail? Ours was in the fireplace. Okay, okay, this is perfect. Their parents are pretty locked in right now.

Yeah. It was like, Jack, go get mail. And I was like, okay like okay i'll go get the mail and i walked out and there was a big parachute with like a package on it yeah and there was a note and it was like hey i forgot to leave one last present so i had the slate turned around so i could drop this out of it that's sweet and so it was like a it was jack and daxter on the playstation 2 and i was like i looked at my parents like i don't have a PlayStation 2. And my parents were like, oh, maybe Santa messed up. And then I was like, okay, where is it?

And then Santa had it all set up and hooked up in the basement. In the basement, yeah. Our GameCube was hooked up downstairs. We were like, oh, shit. And it had a little reader on the bottom of our GameCube that we could plug in our Game Boy games. Yep. And we could play Game Boy on the GameCube too.

Because I'm pretty sure my cousin in my head helped him set this shit up. Like, this is going to be the way you want to do it. Here's all the gadgets and stuff that you want. Like, this is fucking awesome. It's like, fuck you, Santa. That's like – and then when presents are over, you're like, so we just got to play with all this now? Yep. Like, that's the best part about

right after you open presents and the next day when like family christmas is done you wake up like i'm gonna do anything like no like i'm gonna go play forever i'm gonna go play forever yeah yeah so that was like so much fun so like even to like this day my mom like depending on honestly it's not every time but my mom will like parachute something just like for like the shits and giggles of it and like it'll just be out in the air that's awesome my mom still writes from santa yeah on all our presents yeah which is so cool yeah so it's like the fun of it it's like because i remember how excited i was and i was just like and my fiance and i were talking about how like a christmas isn't fun anymore and i was like it will be fun like it's it's just right now like we have so many obligations where we have to be with her parents my mom you gotta make it fun

you gotta find your own way to do it right like i i will still always do like hey i'll get stuff off your list but i'm gonna do something that shows one i know you right so it's a surprise to you too um i like or a gift like you can kind of use not just like wear but like i'm gonna play with it kind of thing like that's that's fun i like that stuff yeah so my girl was uh asked for running shoes and i was like okay i'm gonna get you running shoes but like now i have to find something like fun they're like we're gonna be able to do together or you're going to have fun using. Sign up for a marathon.

You're going to forget. Oh, God. She's going to use the shoes every day, but she's not going to be like, oh, I remember when Jack got this for me for Christmas. But if I find something fun that she's like, oh, Jack got me this for Christmas. There's more of a memory there.

That's the fun one. But we shall see i mean i do you think you did well for christmas this year like i did well christmas shopping yeah yeah my grandpa loves jeff dunham okay and so i was at summer fest and jeff dunham was there and so i got like an akhmed puppet that's fucking i showed my girlfriend jingle ball she goes i don't like this like i'm like how have you not seen this this was a staple in high school yeah yeah or my cousin showing me that when i was too young i was crying laughing when i saw that that was amazing so i got that for him and he's just like what the fuck jack but he's gonna like get a kick

out of it so just like things like that and then my grandma always I always have to get her a nice sweater or something like that. And then my cousins on my dad's side, we always get something. But I have a pretty small family on my side. Do you buy something for everyone? On my dad's side, it's pretty small. It's just my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, and my two cousins. So it's just them. And then I buy something for my mom.

Then my fiance, obviously. And then we typically split on her mom and her dad. And then we do her sibling gift exchange. And then we also get her nieces and nephews stuff. But we still kind of do things separate. So it's like less of an obligation for both of us. It's just like, don't worry about what I'm doing here. It'll still say from you on it, but you don't have to worry about paying for it.

Yeah, that is nice. Last one, we'll wrap it'll still say from you on it but like you don't have to worry about paying for it yeah that is nice last one we'll wrap it up give me your top do you like Christmas music yeah top let's go three top three I love I absolutely

love Mariah Carey Mariah Carey all the way from Christmas, All I Want for Christmas is You. Because it's just, you throw that shit on, it's a banger. Yeah. Working at a bar, you'll hate it way more.

That's absolutely true. When it plays fucking January through November. It's less that I get excited, but it's like, you put that on and people are like, oh, excited. The only time I really think it's,

I mean, it's fine if it plays throughout the year, but that bottle's gone. Yeah, it's fine if it plays throughout the year. That bottle's gone. Yeah, it's going to be. Yeah, might as well. Should you kill it? Yeah. Yeah.

The only time that song is like amazing is when Thanksgiving is over. Yep. The day after. And you're at the bar, and it's the first time it plays, and you're like, fuck yeah, it's Christmas. And then you're like, never play this shit again. Absolutely. Yes. All right, so is that your number one, though?

I would say it's the number one. You don't have to do them in order. It's the most iconic. Give me your three. Give me your three. And then number two is anything on the rosie o'donnell christmas album really so good it's so funny and like my parents and i used to listen to that like going uh christmas tree light like driving we drive through and like look at that stuff but it's just so funny

because it's rosie o'donnell like i remember thinking like even like as a kid going this is weird you know what i mean something's off yeah so it's like i kind of like even like as a kid going this is weird you know what i mean something's off yeah so it's like i kind of like rosie's singing with elmo she's singing with like there's a lot of people on that album it's hilarious and it's rosie just like belting out like oh wow just like super dykey you know what i mean like she does hit some good notes every once in a while too like would you sing with elmo but it's it's hilarious and then after that uh when i got to college i would wake my mom up on christmas morning with little john all i want for christmas is and it's just like all i want for christmas is everything on my list baby and i would just i would just play that so loud in college and

she'd be so mad but she'd like be getting a kick out of it so that's like that that's the the tear the most iconic is mariah carey rosie o'donnell gives you the most like feels and it's definitely like super hilarious but then having little john rap or like just like wake your mom up on christmas morning i'm gonna have i have listened to one of those three. The Mariah Carey, yeah. Yeah, I have not heard the Lil Jon one or the Rosie O'Donnell one. I'm going to look those up tonight. Rosie O'Donnell Christmas special,

I have that on CD. It's in my car. Jesus. It's just in my car. I haven't put it in, but it's just there, just nostalgia feels. If you had to pick three

that you could listen to consistently, because you can't listen to Lil Jon on repeat. the time. No, I'd blow my brains out. I'd run into traffic. But I'd probably just put the Rosie Dawn Christmas album on. Just repeat and stop. Because it's not like overtly Rosie. Buble, yeah. I mean, yeah, but it's just different vibes.

It is. Different strokes for different folks. Buble over Mariah Carey. I'm king of Christmas over queen of Christmas. I don't disagree with you on that one. But I feel like... I don't like her. Mariah's nothing special.

I don't know. I can't name another song she's ever done. I saw some stat that she's made like 76 million from that song alone. She didn't even write it did she i think someone else wrote it and she's really even she covered it like she probably sang it and then there's some yeah they flipped some switches yeah yeah all right well what were your songs? Just Buble, that's it? No. The best Buble one is Blue Christmas for me.

Okay. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. That's a banger. You're right. It's a classic. For me, I think anytime you hear Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree in a movie, it's like the crazy mall scene. Yeah. It's like, what the fuck am I getting for Christmas?

I'm going to bite an ear off. I'm going mike tyson the shit out of someone to get turbo man yeah so like that reminds me the hecticness of it and then probably jingle bombs is that number three or that's number three yeah yeah. If I had to show someone three songs that represent Christmas in America, it is... You're telling me Lil Jon is not there? No, Jingle Bombs definitely is. Awkward the Dead Terrorist, yeah. Yeah, he's pretty much there, yeah. But Lil Jon is hilarious.

Just like nonstop hype. I should, like this this christmas party we have on friday or on saturday i should just it should be little john rosie o'donnell and buble yes those are all electric and the best part is like people are gonna not know it's rosie they're gonna be like is this rosie o'donnell like what do you mean it's like is it that bad no but it just sounds like rosie but doesn't sound that close to rosie because she's singing Is this Rosie O'Donnell? I'm like, what do you mean? It's like. Is it that bad? No, but it just sounds like Rosie, but doesn't sound that close to Rosie. Because she's singing, and obviously there's like auto-tune and that shit in there. Do you know Jason Kelsey and the Eagles linemen making a Christmas album?

No way. Are they making it? I think they may. It might be out. I don't know. I'll have to Google that give that one a gook let's end this because it's nine fuck it's nine ten and uh we finished an entire bottle of boozy eggnog you did not me i had most of the shooter we sound so late my head we split a shooter we split a shooter. We split a shooter. But, I mean, this isn't that boozy. I mean, it's thick, too.

That's a problem. That's the problem, yes. If it was more liquidated, we'd be way more hammered. Yeah. I would have probably drank it a lot faster. Yeah, that ice cube melting saved me a lot. All right. Well, give it up to Timmy.

The Misfits, Black Sheep, Screwballs, Timmy, and Rachel's Bad Piping Skills. Merry Christmas, everyone. Happy Hanukkah.