Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.69 - Ray Roberts

Episode Date: February 23, 2023

No conspiracies, only theories.   Ray Roberts:  whoisrayroberts.com  instagram:  @whoisrayroberts    YouTube:  @whoisrayroberts     Podcast: Comedy and Mushroom Cult

I like that train shit that's going on in like Ohio and Michigan. So you're just saying, I have no fucking clue what's going on. Oh, no way. Nobody does. No. So you can inform me first. So a train derailed in East Palestine, Ohio, which is my college roommate, and I was the best man in his wedding.

He's from East Palestine. It's in the middle of nowhere, like it's not like they didn't get ability to have internet until i was maybe junior senior in college so like 2012 they didn't have internet there so they had like satellite internet like uh you could get through like direct tv but you couldn't stream netflix or anything like that slow yeah like you get on like facebook like it was like 3g on your phone internet that's like out of a movie bat yeah it's it was a wild place uh and i had been there a couple times it's literally the middle of nowhere like cell phones didn't work how far away from like civilization let's call it was it 45 minutes but that's not that bad i mean it's not but it's one of those you ever hang out with like an old

person and not even an old person but you know like somebody who says they're old like your parents i don't know if your parents do this but my parents like my mom is like i mean the last time i hung out with her was forever ago but like she like, she's, like, in her 60s now. And she's, like, I'm just too old to, like, learn new things. Yes. Is that what that town is? Just never learn new things? Yes.

Okay, that's a good, that's a great description. Yes. It's just, like, we've been, like, this old school, like, fucking roadhouse town for, like, ever. And now we're going to, like, keep doing that. Roadhouse Kids is a movie from the 80s with Patrick Swayze. It was an old movie when I was born. Like it's not – I should not reference Swayze movies as much as I do. No, definitely not because I think my demographic is anywhere between 16 and 28.

That's a pretty – like that's a very pop punk demographic. I have a few. Like it's like 2% is over 65. I don't know who that is. I think those are people who stumble on it by accident. The East Palestinians, whatever. Is it Palestine? It is Palestine.

I thought it was Palestino because you said Ohio right afterwards. I was like, Palestino is kind of. Yeah, it kind of flows in there. But people have been calling it East Palestine because it's spelled the same way. That's what I thought it would. and you learn very quickly it's palestine but like i don't it's like a stone's throw across the pa border like before you could get can you get have you had yingling is that a thing that wisconsin has okay they don't have it here i've had it in uh tennessee okay so that makes sense so good beer they couldn't have it like it was not in ohio

for the longest like they just didn't distribute it to ohio like still when i was in college they didn't so when he would like go home for the weekend he would just go into pa buy a shitload and bring it back because it just like wasn't like it's uh like spot a cow yes yes um except for like it's like widely distributed now yeah um but yeah and then so like they had like a bunch of like chemicals and shit on this train and to and it like just fell off the tracks or something and then uh they said that like it was going to explode so they wanted to do a controlled burn so they like burnt five of these rail cars filled with like some sort of like potassium yeah like some potassium

chloride or some crazy fucking chemical and then like the pictures of it are wild there's like a mushroom cloud over fucking east palestine and like people weren't allowed to like go back to their houses for a while they're allowed to go back now but like people are like complaining about like wild headaches and like crazy reactions to it and then just like two days ago another the same from norfolk southern that's the company another one of their trains derailed in michigan like carrying like the same shit i know yeah there's like there's some shenanigans i can't say too much this is going on the internet we might get shot down after this like one of those balloons like it's been but like it's been one of those like crazy things where it's like you know when like crazy like right-wing people are like the media is not covering it like legit like it's not on the news

like i saw it on like spectrum one i've seen pictures of it and then just i mean i don't have cable or anything like that and my my instagram feed is not newsworthy stuff at all yeah it's stuff that would probably put me in a mental mental hospital but that's fine yeah i i've seen pictures but i had no idea what was going on yeah and like the epa says it's fine to be back there and like all these people are having these reactions and they can't make it a uh like they can't make it whatever a natural disaster like a national disaster whatever to get like the federal funds and all this shit to help clean it up maybe it's a new covid cure that's what dude it's a vaccine i said that today on my stupid podcast comedy mushroom cult podcast uh but like i was like we're gonna have to get like a new

vaccine for whatever's in this shit because they're not gonna put it on the news unless there's like some sort of cure because the news is run by pfizer okay third eyes people what is it you're not supposed to talk about stuff like that in the first five minutes of the podcast yeah i think we already got taken off of youtube that's we'll shuffle it through just like take this fast forward youtube fast tarantino this and like put it in find some actually we said that at 5 30 so we might be good hey be good hey look at us professional just we we on the day we know a tight five when we see one dude i've been like fucking having to do like real sets again lately and it's like yeah i don't so you know when you go from like doing like

three and four minute spots at mike's and then somebody's just like hey come feature on a tuesday and you're like i haven't run my 2025 in fucking but okay. Like I've run like my 10 or my 15 and I've been like working on a bunch of new shit. So then it's like, hey, let's do like your best 20 to 25. So maybe you can do this again. You're like, God damn it. I haven't told this joke in forever. Yeah, mine. Well, luckily I almost died.

So I have a decent amount of stuff. I have a decent amount of stuff that I could try out. And I've kind of just don't care anymore. That's a good spot to be in, though. But I care enough where I've taken what I thought was going to be, I'm going to have 10 minutes on my appendix almost killing me, and then the worst day in the hospital ever. And I just kept doing it, and I was like, okay.

And I've edited it so much it has was like okay and it's i've edited so much it has nothing to do with it anymore so i care to that point yeah but i don't care to like try like the last one i got when you said yeah doing the all of a sudden you're getting asked to do more time i hadn't done anything for a month and then when i would do spots it would be at maddie's so like how much time do you want do you want three minutes or do you want 35 right i don't fucking know what i'm doing or i was doing guest spots and then i had a 15 minute spot i was like i'm just gonna do stuff i've never done before i got on a table and told a story of me pulling a piece of steak out of my ass i literally just got in this guy's face and was just like it was like this i'm like did it go well uh no well the it wasn't bad it's one of those venues that it's like a bowling alley

um and the front of the audience hears you the back of the audience here's bowling here's it wasn't at yeah basically it wasn't it was a bar yeah but it was just real narrow and if they're talking they can't hear you but once you get into like once you like when you're i love that phase and i'm kind of in it right now of like a weird creation phase of like i hate everything that i've written over like the past eight years but like i still have to run it but like i can i'm also like maddie's fucking rules for this like yeah like you said do you want to do three minutes or do you want to like go up there for a week like exactly you can do

whatever time i went there like how much time do you want to go what yeah like how much time do you want 10 15 i go are you how long is this show it goes well there's four of us here so it can be as long as well there used to be people at that show like the first few like i didn't go like the first two times because it was like after my accident and i just couldn't like drive at us staying alive dude look at us i felt so bad bitching about my shit and you're like yeah man uh my body just like shut down i was like all right sick you win like but um but it was like it the first time i went there it was like there were people it was a tuesday and i like got good clips out of it and i don't like i'm not like a clip guy anyways but like i got a couple good clips

out of it i like it was like a good fuck around room where you can work on new stuff and like but like i would i would do like all right light me at eight minutes so like i at least know where i'm at where you're at yeah and then like i would wrap it up before like 15 or whatever and i would like go in there and just like do all these new things and like they would work some would work some would like wouldn't but you have like time to like zhuzh it up a bit. Piece things together is what I like. Yes.

The four-minute, and I'll do it at Bremen, the three-minute Bremen set is like, I know I want to work on this joke and another half-premise that I have. And that makes you work on that quickly. Or there's something cool to just go up there and do whatever the fuck and still try to make it interesting. Those are good for me because my stuff's all longer yeah so i can put two together and it's nice and it's so like you can like and it leaves like some air in there and i would always be like i'm gonna do like the first half i'm gonna fuck around

and then i'm gonna give you jokes that i know work so like i get my part out of it the people who are there get their part out of it and then like it works out like it's it's fun you give a little you get a little i heard it was a sold out room for the valentine's show so i'm hoping that uh on a tuesday kicks it back up i hopefully people like oh we're gonna come out and do this and i mean reagan headline so i mean she fucking rips anyways so i'm sure we might get some female audience members there well that whole like it's always it always sounds like pandering and it shouldn't but like the the milwaukee comedy scene like i would say that the women are better than the men like as a as a collective like there's there's a bunch of crushers in like the female side of it

that i would much rather see than a bunch of like a bunch of the guys because like there's a there's just a smaller sample size well there's also that but like you any other scene that you go into there's usually like one or two good females and then like a bunch of like and i mean it's the same like numbers wise it's the same percentage of like good guys to like shitty guys but like with like the females and most like scenes it's this like it's more obvious because there's like seven so like if one's really good like three are okay and then like the other three are ass like it's easier to like tell yeah we're like i would say like our 10 women or whatever however many it is if i'm forgetting somebody i have no idea i would say are above average to like everywhere else that's fair i think there's

something to be said about doing it in milwaukee versus like everyone who just starts doing like comedy on state every week yeah and that's a that's a little grit you get a little grit and yeah well and it's also like comedy on state is such a good club and like they because the one that i started at like hilarities is like ohio's comedy on state um and they don't have like an open mic like they have like showcases from time to time and they are like good to local talent like if you're hanging around and they see you be funny like there's like the side room that's the cabaret um like they'll have shit like that that they'll like give people guest spots and give them shots but like there's not like a wednesday new talent

open mic thing the only one that there was it's called the funny stop in Cuyahoga Falls um shout out Pete if he sees this um it's a club but it's also like filled with crackheads do you think comedy clubs like unless I guess if you have a name but like and by name I mean you have some reputation yeah like do they have to be named the Funny Bone, the Laugh Factory, Funny Spot, the Chuckle Hut? Like, can we not just be like, this is, we're going down to Mike's. It's a great comedy club. I think because there's fucking, like, it just seems a little corny to me.

But then again, it's like, how else are you going to know there's comedy there? Well, there's, like, Acme Comedy Club up in Minneapolis. So, like, people just call that Acme.line yeah skyline like summit city um i think it's because like you have to say it's a comedy club but like yeah i mean like comedy on state is a good one i just don't like the the laugh the chuckle the the funny any in that yeah and i mean it's like the funny bones are always like and then there's like um god what's the one that i've done a couple times or once um whatever it doesn't matter but like yeah so like whatever they would have like a wednesday uh open mic where you just like show up or you call ahead you used to have to bring five people um just so like they could make money

and then like you just start going and like i never brought five people and you just so like they could make money and then like you just start going and like i never brought five people and you just be like why don't you ever bring anybody it's like all my friends are comics that's why like i don't i brought you 15 they're on the list yeah like these are all of my friends um and like it would be like a comedy competition to get like new people like suckered into like coming back and bringing people and it's like a smart way to like drum up business but it's also like a good like it's that good middle ground of like comedy on state it's too shiny it's too clean the crowd's already fired up ready to go like it's a wednesday and it's sold out sold out yeah like packed like people were like i couldn't go watch the show i mean

last time i was there me and cory had to sit in the bar like that's where there was room and then um but then you have people who are like brand new going up and like the crowd's like so forgiving oh so forgiving like the and it's like a good spot for clips it's a good spot to do like a good background and if you're it's a famous background that's like the last time i was up there i did a joke i had already put clips out a clip out of i deleted the last one put this one up because i because there's a legitimacy to a background for sure because you i could do the same joke here to a hundred people and laugh but having that background behind you people who see it on the internet go oh he's supposed to be there not like he just got lucky red room comedy club in chicago that's i was hunting for

places for cool instagram pictures if i saw a buddy of mine doing like an open mic and got like a picture up there i'd be like oh that's a cool spot yeah like it's like and that's a that's a fun little room when there's people in it but it's also like it looks cooler online than it is in person which is a lot of places like so many places the perception you have like if you look you ever look at like uh you google a restaurant and you're like i wonder what this place oh this looks fun you get there i'm like this is not even close that's also like uh retail or uh real estate photography yes those people are phenomenal like staging and shit oh my god how many apartments have you toured i'm like dude this place looks huge you get there and it's like this is a shoebox the place that i'm living like

we did we fucking we couldn't like it was covid and we lived eight hours away so it's like i'm not gonna come up to fucking waukesha wisconsin and like look around apartments so the dude like walk it's a one bedroom he's like we knew it's a one bedroom we knew the square footage like we like whatever it says on paper is one thing but like somebody walking around with like their phone and like doing it a certain way you're like oh that looks bigger than it is and then you go and move in you're like i have no room for any of my shit and square footage is a tricky bitch too because it's like all right 1200 square feet where are those square feet though because like half of it is storage closets i got my water heater and my laundry machine and all that no it's you ever had um so we toured this place where we live

like right here right now yeah and you want to give out the address yeah one zero zero zero zero go fuck yourself um i mean there's a thousand apartments in here you can give away the building there's actually not that many apartments here i mean there's a bunch of floors yeah um it wouldn't be that hard to figure this one out um so no one come visit me please um but so we toured this place and this was the staged one so they already had stuff in here which is by the way if you're gonna tour like a property manager have some apartments staged you're gonna sell it way easier because you see potential already so i'm like oh this is great we could

do this here this year just a blank space you're like what is it it's gotta yeah you gotta you gotta be wowed by it so this is a stage, and they had a stage where there was, like, so much space in here. It looked so nice. And I remember when we moved in, they had cleared everything out, and we walked in, and I was like, this is half the size of what I fucking remember. But then when you put shit in it, a lot of places want you to – It weirdly gets bigger.

Yes. Yeah. It's like a perception. Because, I mean, this isn't small. Like, our apartment, yes, it's small, but, like, when we actually, like, put shit in it, it was like, oh, i mean this isn't small like our apartment yes it's small but like when we actually like put shit in it it was like oh like this is livable oh yeah like you just think like a couch is bigger than it is you get used to it because this couch is unnecessarily big for this apartment but now it works for me like we had this tiny little like love seat here

and my roommate sold it drove down to illinois got this it was a fucking disaster trying to get this couch i'll save the 20 minute story but we get it in here at like one o'clock in the morning and we put it together on like a wednesday and we're like dude it's too fucking big yeah and so we could remove one of those things we put in the closet i'm like now it's too small and you gave it three days like oh this fits just right well that's in my first apartment in college like going from the dorms and then like going to like a shitty apartment whatever but like the first like this is where i'm gonna live as an adult for a little bit we went the girl that i was dating at the time she

didn't want to spend like six seven hundred dollars on a couch which is cheap for a couch yeah that's like a decent couch so she's like i have one in my mom's basement that has been there and we live two hours away yeah so i had to like rent a like we drove back to toledo rented a u-haul truck to like drive back to kent and fucking like go down in this basement it's covered in fucking like spiders and shit because like nobody cleaned it up like we tore half of it taking it up the stairs and packing it in this u-haul the u-haul itself costs like 300 between u-haul time and gas you might as well just bought a brand new couch yeah and fess it was shit and not had to do that and like then she was pissed that we had a ripped couch and i was like you're pissed i had to take like i had to do this all fucking day sometimes going cheap

is actually more expensive yes like especially like clothes sometimes cheap stuff like all right i'm gonna burn through because i'm gonna work out in it but then you're buying it over and over and like just get a nice one you gotta buy it less and less or just like that mid-range like an old navy like i bought a pair of fucking old navy jeans and they've lasted me i wear them like every day and they last me so long when's the last time you personally bought underwear oh you know i was thinking about that because i would because i wear sheath underwear use the promo code i don't know if you have one um but like we'll get one i fell for it uh on pot and this is the best underwear like i like i don't know if you have one. We'll get one. I fell for it. And it's the best underwear.

I don't get paid by them. But they're like $35 a pair. And it's like, yeah. After shipping, maybe. I don't know. Maybe $25, $30. For one pair of underwear? And they're worth it.

They're completely worth it. I have like seven pairs. And then that's when I know it's time to do laundry is when I'm out of my sheath underwear are they like compression underwear yeah i got them on right now i'll fucking like they're tight your pants they got like fucking they got like the ball pocket so you can like separate they're like compression shorts but like not too tight yeah because i'm a brief guy but i don't like them all the way down here i wear compression shorts all day at the gym these ones go like to like here okay and then i have ones that are like longer that i like wearing to the gym because it like like if i'm squatting down or whatever like you don't need to see my i can't wear regular underwear to the gym i have to have

compression shorts it's just like it's like a mental thing when i also like i when i played rugby you wear like you don't wear underwear you just wear compression shorts under your shorts oh yeah because you're like grabbing all the time and you'll get like you'll get underwear like ripped off of you and shit so like i was always comfortable in those but like your your junk's just like flopping around in there too but like you ever played sports like football basketball soccer anything like you're just so used to wearing compression shorts it's like second nature like that's what they're lighter like it's not like that thick like where i don't like your fucking hair yeah but uh uh it's been a while since i bought another pair i don't remember the last time i bought underwear either get it for christmas

for a birthday or like i've just had this underwear for forever yeah and it's like two pairs are haynes another two pair of haynes but a different style but also briefs and then there's like a few calvin klein's but like calvin klein's you think are fancy these are not fancy i'm like i don't know where i got any of the thick justin bieber fucking calvin hell no no i think i'm wearing one right now. No, these are the low-end Hanes ones. But broke bitch. Yeah, I just, I've never, I don't remember the last time I bought underwear. And it's, like, and it's one of those, like, old tropes of, like, and I tried to make a joke of it. Like, everything else. It just appears.

I've always had it. Well, but that, like, I've got underwear older than you. Like, I've got, like, pairs of underwear that I've, like, they don't have holes in them, so they're just still in my like just in case they're just in my drawer oh my i have so many that i haven't worn since i've like i'll move and i'll be like why the fuck do i have these and i'll be like well just in case like i have like just in case socks yeah i have these socks i wear these for everything just nike dry fit socks everything wear high top except it's a lacrosse thing i got into it playing lacrosse you would i'm you know one of those guys it's okay it's okay you've grown out of it i've accepted it you don't have like you don't have a stick in your living room which is no it's

in my room though that's fine that's perfectly fine but like you know those lacrosse dudes that haven't it's the same thing hanging up in their living room you haven't like a trophy yeah like i i didn't play like we won state championship when i was in high school i was pretty good i was going to play on the college team but like whatever got fat and out of shape and whatever um partying is way more fun than running and uh but like i didn't have a rugby ball in my like living room like those dudes that like have like the lacrosse stick and they would just like fucking hang around just like in their living room always the kids that like shouldn't have it hanging out like the guys that do have it hanging up definitely shouldn't the ones that should have it hanging up it's like tucked away in a bag

rode the bench like that's the guy who like the fucking guys who wear their guy made maryland but like never played a single second but like they also have like fucking like their varsity jacket on too when it's winter and you're just like bro i have mine because i used i enjoyed coaching yeah it was really fun like i love the sport the sport itself is so fun and some of the culture is actually fun too yeah the the culture part of that sucks i hate that it is what it is what it is you're gonna go through it playing especially at a young age oh for sure cool like it's a it's a very cool flashy sport is what it really it's like it is almost like comedy where you go through that like i'm a comedian now and then you're just like six months later you're like what a fucking nard yeah and it's the same thing with lacrosse you're like hey bro relax yeah it's like calm down relax bro you know that fucking the native americans like this is

what they did instead of war right like we're one of them now like jim brown the best football player he was an okay lacrosse player that That's how much of a sport it is. We're warriors now. I'm battle tested. Speaking of rugby, though, when you said you don't have a rugby ball, I had a rugby, never played a, is it down, minute, second? Sure. This is how much I've never played rugby.

There's no downs, but yeah. I've never played a second of rugby in my life it's so fun but i went to epcot as a kid of course and i saw this rugby ball and i thought it was so cool and i had to have it so my parents buy me a rugby ball it was it's a sweet ball i don't i think i told my parents they could never throw it away like it looks like that's a really cool thing yeah and i just had a rugby ball for no fucking reason i didn't know how to throw it how to kick it anything i just like i have a rugby ball and i put it in my room we yeah we would uh like me and my one buddy were on the rugby team

and like another one was like on and off because it was like a club it wasn't break your sobriety no it was it it was like uh it was like a club not like a real uh not a real like like school team or whatever yeah like we kept it to the people who were in our school but like whatever and uh so like we went down to like florida our senior year for like our senior trip or whatever team was yeah and so like uh but like we just took a rugby ball because we're like oh it'll be like throwing a football around and it's so boring just like throw like a lacrosse ball is fun to throw football baseball soccer i think every sport besides rugby might be fun to just play have a catch and you like look cool for like five seconds and then you're just like bored and then when you try to play like one-on-one rugby and you're like this is fucking like we look like we're running drills on the beach like we look like big fucking losers like it's but

the game and the game is so boring to watch if you don't know what's going on passes is what it is but it's once you like if you know the rules and when you play it it is the most fun game i believe it because it like it's like football but there's no stopping it's like football, but there's no stopping. It's like soccer, but there's tackling. It's like every other sport. Like, it's the best part of every other sport. It scared me. Because I remember the rugby guys would practice on the field when we practiced lacrosse in college. And I was like, these guys are fucking monsters.

Like, they would eat every one of us. Even the guy that was like 4'2", that they used as a stepping stool yeah it was built like a tank and that fucking but like so uh bowling green state university uh was 20 minutes down the road from our high school team and like a couple of our coaches used to play for bg and like back then i don't know now because whatever i'm 32 and don't really yeah um don't keep track of college rugby because like whatever but like they were in like the top 10 20 programs in the country just randomly um and like they would go to like south africa and play like their national team and shit so like they would echo pretty decently like really like they would tell stories of like they would be like we hate playing american people because they hit so much harder because like we're growing up on football and

like rugby tackling so different like football like every yard matters where like rugby like you'll give up a meter just to like get a good clean tackle and then try to get the ball like whatever like it matters way less every game is like a game of inches right where rugby is not that much so like they tackle like they'll more like grab you and pull you down instead of like hit you yeah so they hate it so like they would always like be more like tentative to like do that but like from like we won a state championship we were a good high school team. We played the seaside of Bowling Green.

And when I tell you that I have not even been near somebody that I couldn't touch before, like, they were so fast. And what they would do is they would poach football players off of the team and be like, hey, you're never going to play. Would you rather come over here? But you're also 6'4", 300 pounds. Made out of pure muscle. You can run a fucking 4'2", but your knee was shattered.

You're never going to play again. And you're dumb as rocks. Just go forward, please. Just here's the ball and go. Run over the 17-year-old. Some sports, I don't like how soft we got with a lot of sports. I think we've done some good things with concussion protocol and stuff like that. But there are some times I'm like, how the fuck do we let children do any of this?

Well, I mean, but, like, rugby, because you are supposed to, like, let the momentum go towards you and, like, roll. And then fall, yeah. Because, like, that's the best tackle is if you roll it and it's facing your side then you have access to the ball versus if you hit them and it's facing their side they have access to it so it's almost better to let them kind of go over you so you're not like i got one concussion playing rugby and it was in practice and it was because the kid didn't know where to put his head on a thing like it was just like completely on accident yeah so like and i mean yeah i got fucked up like i like hurt my shoulder hurt my ankle like all that stuff but like that

happens in regular sports yeah and you look super cool like when you're just like out there and like you can wear t-shirts that like say no pads all balls pads that's that always like because i know what if he was like to get hit with pads yeah and tackle with pads someone who's three times the size of me and you're like i think my ribs are in my nutsack right now i couldn't imagine equalizer though because like there are dudes that like because i like i grew up in ohio like you play football like that's what you do from like fucking fifth grade and like maybe even a little bit before that and then you're they're just like all right here's rugby like this is what men play. And you're like, yeah, whatever.

And like there are dudes that like I was terrified of on the football field that like we would do – like whatever you call it where like the one – like there's one person in the middle, everybody runs. That one person has to tackle somebody. Then like it's two people against everybody. Like that, whatever that is. That game as a kid? Well, we would do that

same thing in rugby and like there were like dudes who like on the football team i would never even go near like one dude like knocked me the fuck out before and then like i was on the rugby pitch which is the field i was like all right let's try this and i fucking truck stick this dude because he doesn't have pads or a helmet to hide behind so like like it's just like way like everyone's a little tentative everybody's a little tentative unless you like know you can take that hit and it's like i've taken this hit a thousand times i don't know if this dude has and it's just like it's like you don't want to be like it's more manly but it's like it's way more manly it's's so cool. I used to argue, not really argue, but at times I would think lacrosse, depending on the team you played, was more physical of a game for me

because I played defensive back. Yeah, you're getting whacked and fucked. I'm not talking offensive, defensive linemen. Yeah. Stuff like that, but it was more physical than football games sometimes because, like, all right, you would tackle as like a defensive back you get like you'd be in like four to eight tackles a game kind of thing i played offense in uh lacrosse and you're getting smacked around someone's aluminum pole is getting whipped at you i mean imagine someone just beating the shit out of you

for four quarters or if you get one of those assholes who puts like sand in it or whatever oh my um one of my best friends growing up joel he still plays across this day he crazy motherfucker he got a wooden pole like they allowed wooden poles and that thing hurt like a bitch. He went down my shit, took like layers off my skin. He played a game where he literally had to stop and goes, guys, I can't play. I made a spear. It just broke in half and could have killed someone with the stick. And I think he plays with it still a little bit.

But when he switched back to an aluminum pole, which is a quarter of the weight, he's whipping that thing at speeds no one's seen before. And you would take people out of the thing. I got hit just underneath my elbow pad once by the plastic head. And it still hit my pad. And I lost all feeling in my left arm. Yeah.

Still scored on the play. Let me add that right now. I mean, great. Kind of a big deal. But I was like, I went to throw. lost all feeling in my left arm yeah still scored on the play let me add that right now i mean great kind of a big but i was like i went to throw and every time i threw my arm gave out took they chipped my bone they took bone off me i was like damn i got stabbed in the neck with it and you're like i can't swallow what up i forgot you're coming home. Special guest. He walked in on the last one, too, but this time I gave him a heads up. Is it more embarrassing or less embarrassing than if he were to, like, walk in on you, like, with your girl here?

I think it's about equal. No, I'm really not. Well, not for you. You're the one walking in on it. He's seen this so many times he's been on it. How times have you been on this three four yeah that i would think i would say in the first four months of me doing this if you walked in on me i'd be like i would shut down oh i still like i make sure that like there's no chance that my girl like i've been dating my girlfriend for seven years and if she like walked in on me doing a podcast i would like shut it down there's something different about a solo one though because i've done a few solo ones and i've they've popped up on my memories recently

and i've cringed so hard like i'm like i might just go delete these episodes now like they're disgusting we do stand up by ourselves there's nobody up there but it's almost like one of those like that's prepared a little bit this was like all off the cuff for 45 minutes i'm like i want to bomb and i have oh i kind of prepared i'm like i'm gonna talk about these things i'm like why well that's even like but that's how i do mine it's just like i like the whole basis behind mine it's like let's see if i can kill 25 minutes to a half hour just like i might have something i want to talk about a little bit but like let's see if i can kill 25 minutes to a half hour just like i might have something i want to talk about a little bit but like let's see if i can kill 25 minutes because like if that's ever if any point like especially now that i'm like starting to get like feature gigs or whatever it's like all right you have your 20 to 25 minutes but if like for some reason the headliner doesn't

show up or can you talk can you just stretch oh this has helped so much with me just being comfortable when things go awry yeah someone talks i've just i have no problem just sitting there in silence waiting for something to end or um or silence period like especially that's like one of the biggest things in like not to take this too serious but like in stand-up is like it's like jazz it's the notes you don't play like it's sometimes it's like when you let it sit and i'll do that like all the time like it happened on tuesday i did my first feature gig at skyline shout out me but like this chick like this chick fucking um like interrupted like the setup of a joke and i'm just like and i just like i just stopped and like a lot of place like most people are like afraid of like the silence i just stopped talking yeah

and i was like if you want to take over the show you're more than welcome and then she just like like that made the point it was like this is like this is how it's gonna be if you keep chiming in i'm just gonna stop i think ultimately just shows confidence in what you have prepared and you know it's going to in your head he's like oh this is going to work so you're going to have to listen to it or even it's it's just like a it's a way to assert control too like because that's what you're really doing like yes your jokes are there and whatnot but like you're if you know what you're doing you're commanding the room like you know what notes to hit you know what parts are supposed to hit and whatever but like if something doesn't hit in the right spot you see a lot of people like uh like and it happens

all the time and be like oh that usually gets a laugh there or like it'll get a pop in a random spot and people will be like well that's not usually like this is just the setup or like wait till you hear the end like it just kind of takes away from the rest of it and people will be like well that's not usually like this is just the setup like wait till you hear the end like it just kind of takes away from the rest of it and it's just like oh you just have to like work through it and then sometimes like the best thing to do is to shut the fuck up like after i if i bomb a joke like if a joke just like hits terribly and like maddie's is a good place to do it too oh yeah like if it doesn't go well i'll just like stop and i'll just be like you feel that like i feel it too let's start over like it's just like when that happens at something like maddie's that's when i ask you should i quit my dreams

and i'm looking for a negative response because it'll get people back on your side like oh we no one cares yeah and it's just and it's one of those like and especially on fucking tuesday you know in the suburbs at a fucking rock club like you're doing the best you can and like if there's people there it rules like that'd be a good if they can i would like to i wish i could have seen what the valentine show looked like because there's plenty of seating there you could put on a decent show there it's good like when there's people there like even if you get a handful of 10 like in there it's a good it's a in general just a good layout for a bar for entertaining music comedy whatever the pool table's far enough in the back there's seating where people can still be like antsy and occupied people who really want to listen can be up front and the bar

seems disconnected but connected at the same time because the stage that wall next to the stage is just it comes a little farther out it's not right there and i'm glad that that valentine's day show did well because you could kind of see it after like a few weeks of nobody being there like the staff was a little squirrely. Why are we doing this? That happens at a lot of open mics. Where at first it's super fun and popular. And then people see what open mic comedy is. And then you do a showcase and people show up for that.

And then it's like, this is the difference between paid and free comedy. I remember your perception of comedy when you get into the world a little bit even like i would say as jake who with me doing it i think his version or what he thought of it has changed yeah um it's my guess but um i remember when one of our buddies started doing a little bit of stand-up a little bit of what would you call what Dauda does when he started. I think it was a little more Demetri Martin-like sketch, yeah. But when he started doing that, I remember you guys telling us, there's this guy who does the same thing the last three weeks he was there.

And I was like, well, well you gotta do something different i'm like no this sec that guy working on the same bit probably over and over again now again looking back on it that's probably all he had yeah but you gotta do things over and over well that's even like when i i don't know if i talked about but like that's when i first started going to comedy shows like i started watching the host. I would go every week, and then he did the same five to seven minutes, and I was like, this isn't fun. What the fuck?

This is stupid. And then I was like, oh, you have to work on an act. I'll never be able to do that. It's not meant for recurrent customers. Open mics for sure aren't. Yeah. God, no. And mics for sure aren't. Yeah. God, no. And it's...

That's so funny. Have you heard this yet? No. Just wait. Sit in the silence, people. Can you change the song on it? That is to let me know my washing machine's done how many times did you think it was gonna end three oh too many it's like a doorbell at a house that like nobody should be in if they ring it six times yeah

our dryer i think does the same thing that's one of my buddy's favorite jokes uh one of my favorite jokes of his is he said he changed uh his or the yeah that'd be great no the uh welcome to the laundry podcast yeah but uh but uh nothing will be edited out yeah i am that lazy no that's perfect all that you need but like that uh he he's like the place that we moved in like the doorbell has the national anthem as like the doorbell ring which is like nice and patriotic but like it sucks because i can never answer the door because i'm always kneeling he's like i gotta prove that i'm like down for the cause or whatever and it's just like what

like and it's it's one of those like yeah that is like wild that people have that as their thing but uh that's that's great i like that but yeah somebody like that's you know that somebody had to market research that they were like hey is this too long and they're like well what if they don't hear the first half of it and then it's like well but then should we like make it louder it's like no it needs to be the same song but like back to back just in case like we don't want them to like we don't want people to aggressively be changing their laundry we want them to be in a good mood yeah changing laundry is already hard enough we need them to like good mood yeah changing laundry is already hard enough we need them to like

like they they had to sit in a lab for like for that song yeah it's crazy i think at one point something everything was someone's job at something like that little noise was some like what is our maytag dryers noise. Or I just, the most basic shit like how do you get those jobs? Like how do you get those jobs? I think I would kill it in one of those jobs. I think we also think like that's their whole job. It's like you're making ringtones for the washing machine. No, they probably

made the washing machine. It's like fuck it, throw this one on there. But they gotta decide. So I worked for Generac generators for a while and like there's a department for fucking everything like every decision has to be run up a chain for every like we helped make a fucking website whatever for like people applying to like be dealers and it was like hey can we put this button on the other side and they're like well let's run it through to see if it'd be too confusing for like our consumer group to like and it was just like what it's gonna take three weeks to see if we can move a button over like

to the other side where it makes more sense and like so it's almost it's almost like they create those jobs just so people have jobs dummy Dummy proof everything. In reality, you leave that button there. Like, they'll get used to it. Yeah. Give them a week. They'll get used to it to the point where, so used to it that if you moved to the other side, they'd be like, why the fuck is it over here? I got an email from my bank because I have two banks.

No big deal. But I have, like, one so I can deposit cash from comedy shows. And then the other one's, like, all online. But, like, I use BMO Harris. And like they had to send out an email saying that they were changing their website from BMOHarris.com to BMO.com. And they had to like send an email and then like tell you why. And then like explain the rebranding. And you're just like, i don't i have the fucking

app i don't care everything's a liability as i mean because someone could sue them yeah especially since it's a bank and like the feds are involved in shit too but like there's also we'd like taylor too much shit to like the old people who don't want to relearn things my buddy put he works at pet smart and he's like hey do you have a rewards program and they're like no i can't get it because i don't have an email address and he's like well how do you not have an email address it's 20 like the email's been around for 20 plus years i think i have like six but anybody who's alive even if you're 80 you were 60 when the fucking internet popped off you probably have an email address yeah you have to unless you were retired i wonder if my grandpa's got one he's got

i guarantee you he's and i don't know if we had to set up an email for that you probably did yeah but i remember like every thanksgiving we go through his voicemails for the year nice we're like hey these are the calls you missed from march he's like should we get back to him they're probably dead if they're your friend like yeah they haven't called again since march oh fuck you're good um oh the whole thing moves oh yeah so this this is tricky this is a very expensive um table uh my roommate and i he finds furniture in fucking illinois all the time so we got this i drove down

with him to get this from illinois no he's from mequon and then he got this there his parents found this for us we went down bought it but before we lived together i helped him go get this and i'm like why doesn't it like screw on it wasn't until we moved in here i'm like dude there are like holes for us to screw this together so it doesn't move and he's like yeah we should probably do that we haven't we've also been saying we should put stuff on the walls and we haven't it took us two months ago we put that up because i saw a screw hole in the cement already that we're like let's just put it up there and then for our christmas party we put santa claus right there and now that's just gonna stay there um but the reason i say that is so what a great poster scott calvin must become

santa no ifs ands just one big but it's literally the best christmas movie of all time uh i think elf but now i think it's i think it's closer than it should be. The nostalgic factor takes Elf over. I don't know. But here's the thing. I've repeatedly watched Elf. I've maybe not seen the Santa Claus all the way through and forever. I watch it every year.

I used to watch this in July as a kid. My parents would be like, there are two movies as a kid. I'm a Tim Allen fan. I like Tim Allen. I don't care what he's going through. I think he, like, what, flashes penis at Pam Anderson or something like that? I don't know.

I mean, he was like a big Trump guy or something, I think. He's Republican. He's openly conservative. He's from Detroit. I'm all for, like, he owns who he is. I like that. Yeah. Home Improvement fucking ripped. Home Improvement, great. Toy Story? One, two, who he is. I like that. Yeah. Home Improvement fucking ripped.

Home Improvement, great. Toy Story? Toy Story? One, two, three, four. Four? I don't know. I don't think I saw four. Maybe I don't think I saw three.

But I used to watch that all year. And it's, like, my favorite hands-on. I will watch it every year. But this table. So I had the appendectomy. You can't lift more than 10 pounds for a while. So, like I said, this slides, and occasionally it gets far back. I pushed it there, and I pushed it back, and it's on the edge.

And I put my feet up too aggressively, and the whole thing fell down. Coffee everywhere, Coffee everywhere. Food everywhere. And my roommate Jake isn't home. And I'm like, well, that is going to stay here until he gets home. And he didn't get home for like two days. I call him like, are you going to be home tonight? He goes, can it wait until I'm home?

I'm like, well, the coffee table is just going to be on the ground. I couldn't take out my own trash. Yeah. I was like, when you get home, you and your girlfriend are going to have to do this. Because usually I have to help. Like, this thing is like 200 pounds. That's crazy. It's disgusting.

That surgery sucked. But we're good now. How's your head doing? It's okay. It's okay. I get to do fun, like, therapy shit now. That's fun. Oh, you're still doing some of that? Well, mean i just like started actual therapy like i was i was gonna go to like

a concussion doctor but like it got good enough where i was just like whatever we can live with this but like it like really the biggest thing is it like because i got like diagnosed with adhd like september of last year september october somewhere in there and like i didn't ever really know so like i finally like got on like meds for it i was like getting like organized and like shit was like i actually like can like keep a string together and then like i get into a fucking accident pretty organized i guess september last year it's like you can so that's one of the big things is like why i never got like why i never really noticed it is like you can like hide in like

organizational things like as long as you know um like if like school might be the medical company trying to get me to pay medical bills right now don't do it um damn the man but no it's like if you like there's a certain specific kind where like you can like hide in like organized like school or like working at a corporate job or like working in certain jobs like it doesn't show up because like it's more like regimented where you have to be here at certain times it was like once i left my corporate gig and like started like i work at a coffee shop and like there's no like organization and then like i'm trying to like do my like comedy shit and it's just like oh now this is like all on me i don't know how to like get it going

so then like that's when it like started noticing it and but basically like as soon as i got in the accident like just with like the head trauma of it like it just like threw everything off because like my like symptoms have been like way worse recently just because like you're fucking your brain's broken yeah and it's like healing back up so it's just like slowly like putting it back together and that's like the like so i just like started doing like actual therapy because i was like i want to be like ready if something like this happens again where it's not just like everything's fucked everything's terrible like what are we doing and then just like it stops and it's do you think it takes stuff

off the brain off the mind so it allows you to be less cluttered? You got less to focus on, so you're not focused everywhere? For what? Like what does? For like therapy. I actually, it's one of those things where, and I talked about it on my podcast today, Comedy Mushroom Cult Podcast. That's the second plug. We'll put the links to it.

I don't let anybody listen to that. Well, I'm going to put it in there. That's fine. Go for it it that's fine go for it but um that's fine put it on the front page yeah it's the worst podcast ever but like uh and i'm proud of it but kind like it's one of those things where there's so many like things that just like whatever you've gone through like no matter like if you had the best childhood you still like hated your parents at some some reason like everybody's fucked up at some point so like however you like go through like or if you're too sheltered and like you had too good of a childhood when you

get so like the real world you don't know what's going on like everybody's got their thing so like whatever like to use the the word trigger but like whatever triggers it, like, it's just better to like, know like what it is that like, that's what I've liked about it so far. It should just be like, well, do you think it's like this that actually triggered this? And that's what caused you to do this. And you're just like, oh shit. Like, yeah, that makes sense. Like I wasn't actually mad about that thing. It's just, that reminded me of like this time and then like i felt like i didn't handle it right so i'm gonna like over handle it this time and it just like throws everything through a loop where like that's kind of like the accident took me off of my like my routine

and so i was like well the last time i didn't have a routine it was like a big clusterfuck so now i'm like oh now i have to like over fucking do it but we're like now it's just kind of like oh i see what's going on like all right let's just like take a beat it's the same thing of being quiet on stage let's take a beat let's reset let's fucking stop and like now i know like what i'm kind of looking for but it's a it's been like two or three weeks so it's not like i'm like in in on it but it's just like one of those, like, Hey, maybe you start paying attention to like X,

Y, and Z. And then you're just like, Oh yeah, shit. Makes you more aware of things. Yeah. And it's not even like,

it's not like fixate on things sometimes, but like, it's not even like a fixation. It's like, uh, and that's even like a cool thing of like, it's been, I talked to my therapist about it on Wednesday, like multiple personality disorder. Cause like her big thing is like, everybody's got like I talked to my therapist about it on Wednesday, like, multiple personality disorder.

Because, like, her big thing is, like, everybody's got, like, different people inside of them. Like, you've got, like, comedy. You've got at home. You've got at work. Like, you've got that. I hate when people are like, you need to be the same person everywhere. No. No.

Absolutely not. And so, but it's, like, and, like, when I when i was like and i had somebody the one time be like i never know which ray's gonna show up just because like i could like whatever yeah and so like that kind of sticks in your head a little bit that like oh maybe i have like different things going on and so you're just like so like do you think i might have like multiple personality just and she's like no just like just flatly the brain's powerful i can talk myself into anything and it's just nice to have like a person who's like not attached to the situation to be like hey maybe you're being just maybe you're just being a dickhead and you're like okay sometimes you just

need someone else to tell you no you're not that and you're like oh good it's that peace of mind and it's not even like but like even just like people you know like we're not like tight tight like no cool but like if i were to bring something up to you you still have that like well do i give this detail do i give that detail like i don't know where i belong that lady's like she lives in my computer like in a room somewhere and like she just like gives me answers and it's just like a nice like she doesn't get like when she's done she's probably got a thousand other people she deals with like she knows what like she even said something to me she's like this is the treatment plan and like we talked over it together and like you said that you like doing it like this is what you would like to do and we're gonna do some of the things we don't like to do because we're adults and we want to get better and i was like

yeah that's not kind of how you talk to a 32 year old man but it's also like you're not wrong kind of how you need to talk to any human being yeah i was like but it was just like one of those like hey lady i'm the one paying you but also fuck you it worked like no you're paying doing my shit that's like almost like a personal trainer like i'm paying you but to make me better yes but you don't realize what you're paying for is me to just like push you yeah i'm gonna push you people need to hear in general you need to do things you don't want to fucking do sometimes and that's sometimes and that's even like what i told her because she was like how are things going and i was like i'm just

like the busiest i've ever been and she's like are you actually busy and i was like what do you mean by that and she's like are you busier or does it seem like you're more busy because like you have some shit piling up again that you don't want to do and you're doing the things that you want to do instead of the things you need to do i was like fuck you man like yeah when you make it that simple said so well it just or i have like i said so many times where i have issues with people telling me they have anxiety or depression because i know people who have both legitimate cases and then they'll be like i'm just an anxious person i have anxiety i'm like no becca you don't do anything you're fucking lazy you're not depressed you're not You're lazy. You're not doing anything you want to do.

Don't work out. You don't eat well. You don't push yourself. And even if they do have anxiety, they're not helping it. You're not motivated. Yeah. Well, that was like my big thing. You can be anxious without anxiety.

Yes. And that was my big thing of like, when I found out I have ADHD or like when I was like, I need to look into this, it would be like, cause I've got like anxiety, like legit, whatever. I'm not qualifying it to you, but like don't need to. No, no, no. But it was like, it's caused because like, I would be like, I have all the shit I have to do. And then I would like sit down and it'd be like three things. It's just three things I didn't want to do. And then like, it would take me 15 minutes and then i'd be perfectly fine it's crazy how quickly you can do things you know like even simple like i don't want to send this email like

yeah it's gonna take me a while to send it's like three seconds you're done like oh shit i i don't want to make this phone call yeah they they're not going to answer anyways like you leave a voicemail and it's going to be done like it's like's, like, and it's shit like that. And it's, like, excuse me. And that's when I was, like, oh. Like, it's, but it's also, like, some of it of, like, I'll forget to do something. Or, like, the ADHD part of it. It was, like, I have, like, these unbusy days.

Like, today I got, like, a bunch of shit done where it was, like, I knew I had to work out, do laundry, do this. I had to deposit a check on my phone like i don't even have to leave the house i just deposit a check on my phone it seems like a lot but you could do it from your bed and it all three of those things i could like i did yoga i went to the gym got home i walked the dog i went and got coffee i fucking did the check thing in five seconds i'd hook up to my insurance like it's just like you build these things and it's like once you like instead of just like i'm just gonna knock it out in a row like focus on the one thing and go to the next thing it's like i have 20 things and you're just like well i can do three of those in the same time i feel

that do you think it's because and this because you view tasks as the steps of the task. Like walking the dog is get the dog, get the collar, put the collar on, put the leash on, put your clothes on, go for a walk, put your shoes on, go for a walk. Come back. Come back. Do all the opposite. Take the dog off. Take it all off.

That seems like a lot more than just go for a walk. You're viewing it as 12 steps rather than one step. The is find the check sign the check take a picture of the check deposit the check the insurance thing i have to remember my insurance login i have to fucking get in there i have to go get my miles up the login yeah like you have to do all this shit and you're just like it took me 45 seconds and i had done it before and it's like it's it i knew it would take me 45 seconds and that's even what she said she's she's like that's the same thing you're going through now with like your adhd and like coming back from the accident all that shit is like it was hard the first time but like once it was done you're like cool like it's done and now like things are in

order and now you're just like remembering how hard it was the first time and you just don't want to do it yeah and it's like you just have to and you're like well yeah but also i just don't want to so like that's the and it's and it's the same thing with like fucking like working out like now i'm like i fucking started lifting again like i was doing yoga for the longest just because it was like i can do it at home i can do it in 15 20 30 minutes like it's there but then i hit like. Like, it's there. But then I hit, like, a plateau of it. And I was like, whatever. I'll just be, like, the same. Like, fine.

Whatever. I like doing it. It's relaxing. I hate going to the gym. I don't want to fucking do it. And then, like, now I'm, like, in the routine of it. And it's like, this is just how I burn off stress now. Like, I have to go after work or I have to go on, like, my off day.

If it's been two days, I can feel the itch. It's like, this is the thing that fucking works it's i talked to avery about this like both of us like if i don't work out i'm a terrible human being i feel disgusting and then all of a sudden i when i then i feel lazy so then i feel even worse and then i don't have like you need to some of us just need to exert some just fucking that yeah it's the best way to describe it that's it and then it's like even um just like so i was in ark so i didn't work out like i worked out thursday night i was in arkansas friday saturday drove back sunday so i didn't want to work out and that was the super bowl ate like shit all weekend and like and you know like physically

you know that your body doesn't change over three, four days, like enough to like notice it. Like, yes, it does. But you know what I mean? Like where you like might be a little bloated. Yeah, right. It's not going to be like I just gained 10 pounds. But like you look in the mirror and you're like, God, I feel like shit. I haven't worked out.

Your face is a little swollen. Right. Then you go fucking, you work out for five minutes and you like just start feeling like that pump in your muscles again. You're like, oh oh it's still there and then like you like and you know that one workout doesn't really do anything that second but like as soon as you get home that same fucking mirror that you look in you're like fuck yeah i still got it like and it's just again the brain is fucking crazy and like i weigh myself once a month and it'll be like that like that day i'll like wake up and i'll be like i'm a fat piece of shit like i didn't do enough and then you're down two pounds down

like two three pounds and you're like oh i must have done like something and it's just like that stupid number that's i tell people as a turn out time like stop weighing yourself all the time yeah okay first the first and and for like most important question you need to answer is do you feel better? Mm-hmm. And they're like, yeah. I'm like, then shut the fuck up. And then weigh yourself either every Monday or once a month. Mm-hmm.

If you do it every day, you're going to hate it because your body is going to do this for the rest of your fucking life. And then if you get into the habit of weighing yourself every day and then stuff starts happening to you car accident appendectomy and then all of a sudden it's just the negative side i did uh noom like that's how i dropped like most of my weight because i was like two the highest i remember weighing myself and i know it was higher was 285 was like january 1st of 2020 and like i looked i got pulled over on my way up to skyline on tuesday so i had to pull my license out and the weight that i lied saying i weighed was 275 so it's like and that was like the weight that i was just like we're gonna say it's 275 because i'll be there eventually exactly and it was like and that's what i was lying about and so it was like so i did noom

and like they they have you weigh yourself every single day so you can like see it going but they like they explain that like it's going to go up and down yeah and if you skip out and it like it basically trains you to have an eating disorder more than anything. But, like, it worked. And, like, whatever. Sometimes shaming works. But then it just, like, stopped. You know, like, you hit that plateau of it. And then it's just, like, a calorie counter. Most people don't know how to handle a plateau.

And it's just, like, all right, now I need to change it up. I'm going to stop, like, paying attention. Like, I know, like, the best thing that they do is they, like, teach you, like, again, like therapy, like simple shit. Hey, just because you're at a Mexican restaurant, you don't have to eat all of the chips in front of you. that they do is they like teach you like simple again like therapy like simple shit hey just because you're at a mexican restaurant you don't have to eat all of the chips in front of you like have some not all of them right but it's tough and they're just like or like hey just like if you get a plate of food like section off like half of it take the other half home you're probably

not going to eat that other half at another point but like the first half is more than enough food oh yeah our portion sizes are way too big so like stupid shit like that so like you have those tools but then it was like oh but i can still have like i don't know i eat like i don't just my body i don't eat that much during the day so like if i like smash dinner and then have a snack at night like whatever it's gonna be fine on the back end. I mean, obviously, like, whatever the biometrics are. But, like, it's, like, one of those, like, if you do enough work to, like, counterbalance it, like, it's fine. Like, you don't need to be, like, on every fucking.

Life is balanced. Yeah. Life is balanced is what it is. It's balanced. We should wrap this up because we're over an hour already. Sure. What do you think Rihanna's going to name her second kid? What's the name of the first one?

I don't know. Do you think either one of them is gonna be an asap i think the second one is because she was pregnant pretty fucking quick shut up how long have you been sitting on that i have not that's a that's an internet joke that's gotta be that's a good tweet i'm kicked off of twitter and i'm mad about it you can have it i don't i literally that just came to my head but well the first one was a woman right or a girl right i have no clue i saw pictures of like that they like put out here's the problem with it being so quick is they put out pictures on like gq or something and she was like looking like she wasn't pregnant which fine be pregnant like all women are beautiful but she was like looking like top tier Rihanna again in those pictures. And then, like, the Super Bowl, she's, like, pregnant again. So, like, they sat on those pictures for how long to release it?

Probably until the Super Bowl. Oh, absolutely. So then it looks completely different. So then, like, that kid's a different age now, too. I just don't know the name of the first one. I don't know if they're a weird name person. I hope. I hope. I hope not.

Rihanna doesn't seem like a... Because she's from Barbados or something, right? Oh, yeah. It's going to be different. I can't even... Barbados, you can't say weird. It's going to be different. I would say like Jimmy.

I bet you it's going to be something stupid boring. Or they won't release it. Just white as fuck. Kyle. Kyle. Yeah. Jeremy. What's Rihanna's last name or asap fenty yeah it's the

name of her brand that's the reason why i know that that's her actual last name i believe so i don't know what's asap's last name what's his first name it's not rocky it's not asap rocky i don't know that's what no shit it's not asapAP Rocky. A$AP Rocky Williams, like, but, like, I know we're wrapping up, but, like, stage names, that's what's wonky about stage names. Yeah. It's, like, my buddy Jay Hunter, he's, that's not his real name, and, like, I've only ever known him as Jay Hunter, and we were playing basketball once, and he had, like, a heart thing, so, like, he went to the hospital, and I had to, like, bring some of his shit

there, and I was, like, at of his shit there and i was like at the front desk i was like hey my buddy jay hunter's here can i go see him and they're like there's nobody of that name here what's jay hunter's jay hunter's not like very different what's his real name mcneil is his real last name but jay mcneil i think it's i think that's his middle name i forget the full name i don't want to like dox him on here but like i don't it's not jay like i think jay's his middle name it's like something jay mcneil and so like i saw him in arkansas this past week and it was the first time i'd seen him in a while and i just dropped a okay mr mcneil out of nowhere yeah well he was like chatting up a girl or something and he's just like yo we're gonna

real name right now and i was like you're the fuck who has a stage name exactly you'd be surprised how many i mean you wouldn't but a lot of people would be surprised how many of their favorite celebrities their names are not their names actors comedians like fucking local comedians don't even it's not even their real name like hey let's how about i don't know i just worked too hard to not understand it sometimes like if you got like a really long long last name you're just like we're just doing a short one um but the people who are like my name's caleb johnson but i go by jim bob mcdermott like why well that's why my buddy joe briggs very very funny um it's one of those things where like you start it because like you want your like online thing not to like mess with like work or whatever yeah and then like you get far enough in where like work knows about it and it's like

separate and like most people are like more worried because like my internet thing was like ray thomas because that's my middle name so like i didn't want like but i still went up on stage as like ray roberts i just didn't want like work and shit like that finding it um but like you get so far in and you start like getting a name as like joe briggs and then as soon as people find out like what your real last name is then it's just like you'll like leave people are like well what the fuck and it's just like well i didn't want work to find out where now like it's just like its own thing it's weird it the it's like it's just weird aesthetics is all it is it's it's weird when it's like somebody who's been doing comedy for like a month and a half and they're like my stage name and it's like

you don't shut like you don't have a stage now i have not been a huge fan of the like there have been a few people here and that i've as hosts i've i'm like who the fuck is this guy and then they're like oh it's me now i go what do you mean now like this is where i go by now i'm like, who the fuck is this guy? And then they're like, oh, it's me now. I go, what do you mean now? They're like, this is where I go by now. I'm like, you were something different two weeks ago and then something completely different three months before that. Like, just stick with your fucking name. Like, that's not, your name isn't the problem. Yeah.

Your name is not the fucking problem. You're spending too much time thinking about your fucking name. Yeah. And I mean, everybody goes, that's like dumb young comedy shit that like i would love to shit on but like i know specifically the benchmarks of where i did like i still do a bunch of cringy shit absolutely but like i also have like material to back it up the the name thing will always i don't care where i'm at name merch fucking but there's a difference between like oh my name's michael kuski i go by michael ernst because that's my middle name that's completely different than my name is michael kuski

call me michael michael motorcycle yeah like that's larry the cable guy yeah that's way fucking that's like the one that fucking works well that's what that was like a character that you would call into a radio station like so he was his name is like dan something yeah and like so like he got popular from that radio thing but like that was one of my i forget who it was i always give it to greg giraldo when they did like the roast and they're like larry the cable guy uh is your best character it's way better than dan the comedian because that was like his real name yeah and it's just like it's like it's one of those like nice cutting like but that's one where like he tried to be like his own name and then he fell into a character

i'd rather now he's like selling out football stadiums he's fall into it don't it's like giving yourself a nickname don't fucking do it yeah no one likes you like hey call me i don't even know like there is no good nickname i could think of right now but okay call me uh well that's i'll still feel gross now because like my whole like every single who is rayroberts.com at who is ray roberts on instagram at who is ray roberts on twitter you can follow me on all those things it'll be linked in the thing. Like, but like, I do like how I did that. You give me so much more work to do.

But like, but like, I hate talent. Like I hate that part of it. Cause like I could have gotten, like I could have gotten Ray Roberts comedy. I could have gotten any of those things, but like,

I was like, Oh, this is going to be a cool, like marketing thing at some point. And now like six years later, I'm just like, I don't like, it's fine. Like now like six years later i'm just like i don't like it's fine like i like it and i like and i'll still like keep going with it but it's like now i'm like stuck in that if for whatever reason i hate it like now that i'm not getting like any

real steam but like people are like now kind of starting to follow and at the end of the day though like if they'll find it your material backs it up who the fuck cares right but it's also like at this point like people will know like with my buddies it's like an inside joke i'm like oh who is ray rock like it's just like because i've had it like since like day one i like put energy into like the branding of it instead of like writing and you're just like it's almost like a dumb reminder of like how stupid it is or how far you've come but it's also that and that's like a cool part of it of like this is how much further i've come and i at least know it's stupid like it's that's the fun part is like making that full as long as you're not like super proud of like the dumb things you

did year one you're like all right then you're good like i had a t-shirt like three months into doing comedy yeah i didn't have shows to sell t-shirts at. Like, what the fuck am I doing? Dude. Oh, boy. All right. Well, we'll see where we're at in two years. Yeah.

Hopefully we don't have to do this in an apartment. Where? A studio? I was thinking maybe like a garage again. I did this in a garage. Actually, I'm constantly upgrading. I did this in a i've actually i'm constantly upgrading to this in my mom's garage and now i'm in my own apartment oh now you want your own garage yeah that'd be cool that's kind of the dream like anytime like i don't like my own i don't want to

pay for a studio i this is never this will never be a studio show we're doing a whole second podcast right now we need to cut it we can have this conversation yeah all right you want to wrap this now i gotta edit this no just leave it we're not editing no i have to go back and just go all right ray's talking michael's talking oh yeah you gotta do the fucking video yeah i don't do video you ever want to you have access to three cameras i've got i've i've got every single i put motherfucking camera on so i can see myself while i'm doing it just on my like front facing camera on my computer so there's a video of it there's hours of video are we starting another podcast right now all right we're done