Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.74 - Justin Reminger

Episode Date: June 8, 2023

Is Matt Rife a short king? How much would you pay your friends to hangout with you?

Well, it is my month, by the way. It is my month. It's June. It's my month. What the fuck does that mean? It's June dairy month. Where are my milkers at? What's up?

Clip it. Clip it. In three, two, what if I had an intro? I need an intro song. I've been finding free music and just putting it on there, and I don't like it. It looks corny as shit. You should get one of your fans to make music.

If you guys are watching right now, make him some music. It'd be fun. Just throw it to this number down here. Do you think I know how to edit my number? And just put in the engine and then put someone you hate's numbers and the music what's your number find mine on facebook apparently that is true still on there that is very funny i feel the life in me i feel like i can't get in the center of this there we go you know this is a you tell i haven't done this in a month it's professional it's what it is so professional well here's two uh non-alcoholic mango white claws yes liquid death dude i just

tried sipping my microphone did it taste like a white claw that's pretty much what a white claw tastes like just the metal tinging like lack of talent that's what it tastes like oh man i one day want to be that's that special just i do see a lot of people do like they eat the microphone like i remember there was a guy performing performing he used to have a bit where he would put his whole mouth over the microphone what no thanks he no longer is performing comedy but that's why we had the Mike condoms on, just for those people during COVID. For dental dams.

Yeah. Speaking of specials, though, we do got to be... We got to shout out Chastity. That's pretty good. Chastity Washington, one of the funniest comedians in Milwaukee. Her special...

Amazon Prime. Amazon Prime. Yeah. I don't care who you are to have something on a major streaming platform how you did it how it's on there and i don't know um that's got to be pretty fucking cool someone i looked it up you gotta rent or buy it it's not free you gotta yeah go rent or buy it it's buy it don't even rent four dollars buy it it i think i'm gonna i'm gonna rent it. It's June to $4. Buy it. I think I'm going to rent it. I'm going to see. Yeah.

She shot it a while ago. Yeah, she shot it a while ago, and I was just talking with her this weekend. Chastity is so funny. She's the funniest because everything she says just naturally is funny. Yeah. And then she'll be like, say a joke, and she'll be like, oh, you should say that too on stage. And then I was like, Chesty, it'd be funny if you said it on stage. But if I say it on stage, you'll be like, no, not feeling it.

All right, white boy. Yeah. But Chesty Washington, Live at Dandy. Is that the name of it? Yeah, which I like. Yeah, it's simple. Yeah. Because like.

Quick name your special right now. What would it be? Three, two, one. Judd Reminger, why are you watching this? What do you do to name hers? Ready? One, two, three. Suggested after Judd Reminger.

Seriously, why are you watching this? Suggested after Judd Reminger is a great title just for another special i would do that's awesome if you hated this you also might hate this you might you might be a redneck if you love torturing yourself oh if i ever made a special i would you will i i would i would like make sure we're gonna produce it with these three cameras. Yeah, and I make sure there's a bunch of laugh tracks at the beginning. So it's just like me doing awful jokes and then just getting the worst laugh track, and then it's just me.

Just do it in a small room, have it pan to the audience. We see there's 12 people in there, and then put like a 40 person laugh track in it be a great time i think i think i love it when the when the specials look like a hostage video those are my favorite just like man who shot this but yeah i don't like the ones that are like at a bar i really don't like those there's a few of them i've seen where um you've been on shows with some of the people and like oh they have a special i'm like those There's a few of them I've seen Where you've been on shows With some of the people And they're like Oh they have a special

And I'm like Oh that's great And then you look it up And it's like I feel like this was just a long set Yeah It was just like You ran the light

That's all it was On camera Fucking people are buying drinks They're a We'll let them stay That'll be the name of my special. Judd Reminger goes 20 minutes over. 10 minutes sad.

We gave up. This is how I started my day today. Nice transition. Yeah, what'd you do? I'll turn this all the way up. It's nothing crazy, but this was the first voicemail I listened to today. I need the volume on.

If it's my dad's voicemail, that would be the fucking funniest thing you've ever done. I'm sorry, but I'm shitting my brains out in the bathroom. Please bring me some toilet paper. Please. That was the first voicemail I had today. First of all, it was from Sunday. No one's at the gym on Sunday. Also, you could just be like, hey, can you bring toilet paper to the bathroom?

I don't even know you're shitting your brains out. Michael works at a gym. Just so you know, people aren't just calling him, telling him that he works. He's shitting your brains out. I think that's a good point to make. You should probably preface why you have a voicemail. A lady. No one. I mean, were we that out of, there's two giant things of toilet paper in there and we were

out of them, I guess. That's on me. Honestly, it's on me honestly amazing on her to find the gym phone to call that she needs toilet paper because she is shitting her brains out at the gym yeah i mean they know my hours are on the door i'm not there on sunday so you're just leaving a voicemail for me that's it that's insane yeah you best believe i went check the toilet paper levels right after that. When they went past where you normally sit at the gym? The bathrooms? Yeah.

Yeah, you walk in, it's my office, and then all the way down the hall are the bathrooms. Yeah, so she probably would notice you weren't there. If I'm there, the door is wide open. Can we call her back? Can we call her back? I should. I want to save it. That's how I'm want to save it that's how i'm gonna save it but i wanted to live on that voicemail or that voice box forever yeah that's a good one i'm gonna start

every morning this week with that it's my reminder to shave my brains out it's the detail that got me it's like hey we're running low on toilet paper. Do you mind bringing some to the bathroom? Would be an adult way to handle it. But this person's like, no, I am blowing up this toilet paper. Yeah, yeah. She is in dire need of something and did not want to show your toilet. She needs a wet wipe is what she needs. She just needs not to go in a public bathroom. I'm also convinced people take the sanitary wipes from the gym

and use them as wet wipes in the gym or in the bathroom. Oh, yeah. People don't. People a thousand percent do that. Because there's those wipes all over. They probably just bring a bunch in. It's like just in case. And then they're all over the floor.

I know you're not sanitizing the toilet for me. You're just sanitizing your asshole. Do you use the man wipes things? I don't like the bidets and the man wipes. Personally? Yeah. No. No?

No. Okay. I would do a bidet. I feel like the water temperature would be. I have a friend. I will not disclose his name. Gary Zajacowski. Fuck.

We were on our ski trip this year, and I like all right when you guys pee do you pull your nuts and your dick out or just your dick and they all look to me like are you crazy and then we went through this whole conversation he goes well sometimes just completely like not 180 but pretty close he goes sometimes if i need a wet wipe i'll just dunk it in the toilet water and then i'm like the one you shit in? And then wipe your ass with it? He's like, yeah. I'm like, never admit that again.

Would that make his asshole just as dirty? And now it's wet dirty. That's insane. It's got to be like a real clean poop. But then again, you don't need a wet wipe for that. I've heard of like, maybe if you can reach the sink, dab it in the water or something but like don't i'm not dipping it there's no part of me is going near that water yeah it's wild so yeah my morning started the shit with a shit voicemail man i wonder how her day ended you know honestly i'd like to meet her because the stones on that

woman to do that and admit that one is either a prank call which i don't think it is i've never gotten one before um but for her to do that she's probably got a great personality and it's probably fun to be around like i don't give a fuck let's go do something today she yeah she's also taking chances at the gym she knew she you don't ever like get a rush all of a sudden at the gym like i need to fucking run you probably knew going in ah my stomach's not feeling great i did yeah i didn't eat the best i did have two domino's pizzas before i came and the tater tots yeah um no it no one's eating healthy and then accidentally shitting their pants yeah well what i my first thought was like hey you're trying to be discreet you're not screaming for it but you also that was a pretty loud voicemail so someone heard you say that what am i gonna do am i gonna go like let's

let's say i was there all the bathrooms are full i'm now knocking on the stalls being like hey are you shitting your brains out no okay are you shitting your brains out no okay i go bingo can you open the door so i can give you toilet paper no i gotta leave it outside like you're a covid patient delivering dinner you gotta you gotta guess who with their voice exactly like hey can you say please for me and so i'm like what do you think she did though what do you think she did how'd she get out of it did you think she used her socks i think she lifted up the seat dunked her ass in there and just kind of splish splashed around i have no fucking clue dude she probably used her socks i mean i mean the shower curtain was still there so you can get new socks yeah i like how your

socks are inside out oh so i was doing i figured is it for the cameras yeah so i figured the people that have been liking our feet lately yes they've been getting the same feet over and over again fair enough so i'm like you know what How about some feet with some inside out socks? They've been getting the same content. We've got to give them something else. I'm wearing my Aaron Rodgers socks here today. Game worn? They're game worn because I took them to-

These are game worn too. Podcast worn, workout worn. I wore them to a game. Yeah. So I think we should start selling our socks. I'm starting a feet finder after this. Fat Chance Feet. Fat Chance after this. Fat Chance feet. Fat Chance feet.

It's going to be the same picture over and over and over again. I think it will work. I have a buddy. You know how we had that joke about OnlyFans and then just being all comedy? Yeah. My friend is actually signed by OnlyFans. I just found this out. He has a comedy special by OnlyFans. I just found this out. He has a comedy special on OnlyFans.

Doesn't Matt Rife have a special called OnlyFans? Yeah. OnlyFans is taking over the world. Yeah, Matt Rife is going to be the biggest comedian. I had a dream about him last night. I shit you not. Really weird. You shit me not?

Please? about him last night i shit you not really weird um you shit me not please um no i had a dream about matt rife last night that i was on a show with him and i'm like all right keep dreaming michael and when i'm on stage he was like matt rife that you see like all the videos like yeah he's a good lookinglooking guy, all that. The minute he got off stage and I met him one-on-one, he was like 5'3", childlike-looking, shorter than me. And I was like, hey, man, you're funny. We should talk after this. And he goes, yeah, really?

I was like, what the fuck? How tall is Matt Reif? Let's ruin some people's life. Because all the hot people that are celebrities are so short. They're my height. I have a chance. I think he's got to be like, my guess, 6'2". How many feet?

Six feet minimum. Okay, here we go. Drum roll, please. All right. It takes so long for me to find his height. All right, Matt. I can only do that for so long. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I have to scroll to find this dude's fucking height. He wants it hidden. He's short. Yeah, he's a short king. Oh, here we go. Matt, right. Is it like... What did you say? Six two. Six foot on the dot six foot i said six

minimum damn it matt yeah but it was weird like i literally got up close to him i was like you don't look the same off stage he was shorter than me and like more childlike features still look like a buzz like you know you ever play pokemon No. Okay, do you know the concept of it? Yeah, yeah. I have Pikachu here. Charmander evolves into Charizard. Like Matt Rife on stage is Charizard. When he got off stage, he was Charmander.

So he was Benjamin Button. Yeah. The longer he stays on stage. Yeah, like he just evolves when he gets on stage. And then I woke up to my 6 a.m. alarm confused as fuck. I was like, is it Sunday, Saturday? Do I go to work? my 6 a.m. alarm confused as fuck. I was like, is it Sunday, Saturday? Do I go to work? It was a weird morning.

And then you just had to shit your brains out. Dream about dudes and shitty voicemails. Enough about me. Would you ever pay your friends $100 to hang out with you? Oh, my God. We need to preface this. We need to preface why we're going to talk about this. I'll let you go. we we went golfing this weekend

uh swung the sticks around we did you know a few good shots a few good shots in between some questionable shots a lot a lot a lot of like uh hitting the ball shitty and then just bailing ourselves out from crazy predicaments. But we're golfing with these two other people. One that's been on your podcast. Sam Walsh and Luke Knappi. Yeah. So we are on the hole 18. And Sam has to get to...

He's going to Stapleton and George Strait. Yeah. He's going to a concert. So he's rushing to get done. He's going to Stapleton and George Strait. Yeah, he's going to a concert. So he's rushing to get done. And he gets done. So we're like, well, we still have beer left. So we'll just sit at the bar and let's go watch college baseball wherever it was on TV. So Luke, me, you.

And Luke is telling us about his life and how he owns property and like people rent it yeah and then he's talking about the tenants that are there that that he just knows these people from college or he knows one from high school i think he has half of it the other guy has a room there's a who doesn't live in that property. Okay. And they're like, the way he first prefaced this was, yeah, he asked us all to Venmo him $100 because he just had a kid. He's got bills to pay. He's super busy. He'd pay you back right away.

He just needs it right now. So I think our first reaction was. Great guy. Like, hey, yeah, you Venmoed 100 bucks. Like, Luke's great. And this guy's struggling. Like, hey, I get paid on Friday kind of situation. Can you spot me right now?

Kids need to eat. Yeah. They're expensive. I think we finish our drink and it comes to fruition that this guy asked a bunch of friends to Venmo him $100. Because he's struggling. Kids got to eat, whatever. But he wants to be able to go out with them tonight. Yeah, they want to go out and drink tonight. Which I thought was insane that he actually sent him the money.

Because one is not teaching him a lesson at all. Well, then Luke goes, yeah, I got to go hang out this guy i paid a hundred dollars to yeah i gotta hang out with him to watch his money he's gotta watch his investment see how it's getting spent that's crazy it'd be cheaper to be like hey man you know what i know you're struggling come out we'll buy you a few drinks because i guarantee you don't need a hundred dollars no one needs a hundred dollars worth of drinks in wisconsin you do not need a hundred dollars worth of drinks we'll buy you a few rounds between all of us we could spend a hundred dollars you don't need a hundred dollars from nine of us you're gonna buy three be like i'm broke we're then

gonna buy you drinks and you pocketed a grand yeah also at the same point like i would if i paid someone a hundred dollars and i would have to watch them drink in front of me, I would be like, you probably could have got domestic. You didn't have to go for the high end. Grey Goose is not okay. You can do rail. Shots? Really?

That's half your bill right there. Shots are on you? You mean me. Shots are on me. I would be so mad. Do you think you get the money back though fuck no have you ever been in a pinch with money and your first what i think you probably are his parents dead like i'm asking my parents first if i need money yeah or his wife yeah holy i wonder if that's just

like i wonder if it works i'm gonna be like hey guys i'm struggling for cash can you each venmo me 50 bucks they don't know how many people i venmo you get like you send it out to a hundred and like 10 respond great day i know i know a guy who every once in a while will uh venmo request a bunch of people like three dollars and he goes friend tax yeah i've gotten those before 100 yeah and it probably works i mean you get three dollars there you go there's one beer was it girls dude on bachelorette parties they like make a venmo or whatever like venmo for free for drinks for cassie's getting married and And he's like, so? She's got 19 of you at that party. You guys can't pay for one?

I know you guys are doing it in Arizona and being a girl in a bridal party. Oh, my God. The bachelorette side is so fucking expensive. Yeah, well, I mean, I've been in a lot of bachelor parties and every one of them is the same. It's always the same freaking thing. You do an activity, you get drunk, you play a gambling game of some sort. End of story. But a girl's one, it's a fucking scavenger hunt

of shit they need to do. It's a scavenger hunt. It's a photo shoot. It's a destination. It's a shopping spree. It's, you know. They do like... It's dollar signs. And. It's, you know. They do like. It's dollar signs.

And they have like certain theme nights. I don't like those. I don't like the ones where they dress my type theme or this one's old nights where they dress up as grannies and stuff. Or like my least favorite one. I thought it was fun. Like when the girls in college would like do all the weird stuff whatever you guys haven't the old lady one i think is funny if you all of a sudden get 30 girls showing up dressed as matilda yeah um my least favorite one is wait isn't matilda the young

girl i don't know i thought matilda was an old name to me. Don't quote me on this. Fine. I've never seen Matilda. A bunch of Nancys and Arlenes and, you know. I think Matilda was like a young girl. Those are just Geraldines. Those are my grandma's names. What's your grandma's name?

Geraldine? Arlene and Geraldine. All right. Oh, that's a hell of a name. Mine was Joyce and Doris. Those are great old lady names. Great old names. Yeah. Matilda's a R.I.P. Oh, that's a hell of a name. Mine was Joyce and Doris. Those are great old lady names. Great old names. Yeah.

Matilda's a great old lady name. I don't even know what Matilda looks like. I thought it was about a child, but. Where was I going with this? My least favorite one? The colored wigs. Yeah. Oh, my.

They're like, look at us. We're so fun and cute. They look like fairly odd parents. And you yell at me. You look like a transgender Willy Wonka is what you look like. It looks like you dipped yourself in a fucking Jolly Rancher. Yeah.

It's very weird. It's like a fun dip and it's like falling off. But not as fun as you think. No. Not as fun. Like if Willy Wonka fucked an Oompa Loompa, that's what you look like.

I don't like the big glasses. Like those were glasses that you... For Willy Wonka or just on girls? Just on girls. Okay. Like the big ones. Like the clear big ones. Are they heart-ka or just on girls? Just on girls. The big ones. The clear big ones. Heart shaped or star shaped.

Usually wear them with the wigs. Not a fan. Get those fucking windshield wipers out of here. I don't. You think we should rip on guys now? Just to make it fair? Guys, you suck. Be nice to those ladies.

You perverts all right move on that's probably the only people that are trying to like check out our feet the perverts the dudes oh i bet i bet they they got female accounts and they like would oh no they're not even doing that i have male accounts that are like i want pictures of your feet. Oh, that's cool. That's cool. I respect being bold. I'm not going to give. Also, why do you need pictures? Just go screenshot the video.

Oh, yeah. I didn't even think of that. You get like live. You can make GIFs out of this. Look at this. Someone just jerked off to that. Somebody just put like a hat on your foot. A cowboy hat.

Someone has a fetish for white boys in Inside Out, white socks. I just made that up. Ooh, yeah. Let's just make a weird fetish. Man, some of the fetishes I'm like. By the way, we love you. Please keep clicking on the video. Keep watching.

But how did you find it? How did you find out that that was your thing? Go look at all the comments that are on the videos. Yeah, but who's the first one? Like, you had... There is this, like, I think his name's Jack. And I... Sarasoli?

Yeah, it might be. I'm convinced I don't actually have people that like feet that are watching this. It's my friends that created accounts and are like, Oh, my God, Michael, we want to see your feet. Which, if it is, you guys, thank thank you for the views you've helped me a lot I start getting paid soon what do you think what do you

do you hope somebody's like just let's fuck with Michael that's their whole life I think it'd be fun because I'm enjoying myself and the views I get on some of this, they pay me a bit and they're wasting their time. A lot of it too. Their life is like helping me, you know, do well.

I have people on my account, like on my Instagram that only follow me with no one else. You're telling me that I'm the only one they follow. And then they, and then they like, well hit me up on like DMS. Like when I have a show, they're like, how much are tickets?

And I was like, it says on there and they're 10 and that's all they'll say. And then they'll stop talking. It's very, we're going to get murdered soon. I do. And please say nice things about me on dateline. Say I like save children out of a burning building,

sold socks to them. Yeah. The needy. Yeah. My newest one I'm getting is those Instagram accounts. They'll friend request you. They have like 2,000 followers but zero posts. And then in my head, I'm like, like all right i'll accept it because it'll just

add to like how many people are following my thing um which only helps push my stuff out more and then they'll like this person wants to send you a message like hi how are you i'm like do i know i know they're not real but i want a bit out of this eventually yeah i'm like do i know you're like no you came across my suggested and i just want to be friends i'm like fuck do I know you? You're like, no, you came across my suggested, and I just want to be friends. I'm like, fuck, no. Say something better. The funny ones are the porn ones. You can tell that it's obviously someone trying to. Oh, someone ripped off an OnlyFans account or something like that.

Yeah, but then you see people that you are friends with follow this person. You're like, what an idiot. Like, what are you doing? Yes. It's obviously a fake account. You can tell. You got two posts, and it's grainy as shit yeah yeah i i saw one that said uh watch my for the the name of the person was watch my first bj ever and i'm like i'm like that's just bold to have. That's, that's their name. But also it's funny to me to think that they were like,

all right, it's my first one ever. That's what I, they want to see. And I was like, no, no one wants to see that. I want to see the first time you do it.

Try to kick flip on a skateboard. That's what I want to see. I don't want to see your first BJ. First kick flip and your best BJ ever. Okay. That's the name of your special. My special is going to be, fuck, you made it this far?

Well, here's some more. I don't want mine to be promoted. I just want mine to be the first thing suggested after every video. Just, you hated this? Judd Reminger, put this on the background while you fuck. But mute it. Yeah, but mute this.

This is going to, yeah. It's always's always fun you come prepared at all i did come for i do have some questions i love so uh getting asked questions because i hate asking them well it is my month by the way it is my month it's june it's my month what the fuck does that mean it's june dairy month where my milkers at what's up clip it it's june dairy month i thought it was like oh it's my birthday no what's what's yeah it's june dairy month what's one thing you know about cows it's a month man come on you gotta milk them that's true that's true you gotta milk them they're your milker what okay so why do you have to milk a cow they're full okay he's full so what's the difference between a heifer and a cow uh is it the young and old a young as a calf okay female and no teenager very good teenager is one of them thank you yellowstone

the national park the tv show i knew it was like one's younger yeah so once once i so it's a heifer until it has a calf then it's a cow and that's when it will start producing this is turning into like a wisconsin pbs special and i'm loving it get your cheese curds up um but no so that's uh also like i so i grew up on a dairy farm i grew up on a small dairy farm way up north and for the longest time i didn't know how much milk was because we would we would just get it we would just my mom would get a pitcher go to the bulk tank where the milk is and just dip it in and then that would be our milk put in the fridge so i've been years i had unpasteurized milk yeah does that taste better oh yeah this milk is like terrible it's just water but ask me how much this gallon of milk costs i don't know i have no fucking clue i haven't bought milk i never liked milk growing up but weird like rare days with dinner they're like

every once in a while i'm like you know what i'm craving milk and i would have like six glasses of it and then i'm like this is disgusting chocolate milk great it's interesting that we drink human milk for the longest time and then we just switch over to cows. Yeah, it'd be weird to see a grown-ass man sucking on his mom's tits, though. What's the age you've got to stop? Once males reach heifer size, then we stop sucking on the teat. Just a fucking 15-year-old. Then we stop sucking on the teat.

Just a fucking 15-year-old. Imagine if you got to say, Jerry, come here. Lunch is served. It's my 30th birthday. I almost just showed him my nipple for free. I wonder if we get a different audience for nipples. We're going to get 100%. We should do one of these just shirtless but blurred out. Just tape them. Yeah. I'm going to have the black one should do one of these just shirtless but blurred out. Just tape them.

Yeah. I'm going to have the black one that says censored over the top. I blurred out my nuts once. Why were your nuts out? They weren't. I have these gray sweatshorts, and they're a little smaller. You have a shirt you wear. When you put it on first, it's a little tight.

By the end of the day, it's stretched out perfectly, and you're like, all right, this is nice. Yeah, those are these shorts. I wear them at night only, and I wear them for three days because after day one, they're stretched out. I didn't know that the first time I wore them. I did a podcast. First one ever was Sam.

And first video ever did well. I didn't know if it was from the spotted cow we had next. That was a third of the comments. Another third was like dude this is a great story about sam getting arrested and the other third were like hey dude i'm blur your sack because you could when i was editing i'm like you could see the entire outline of my dick and balls that's so funny and so the video is just blurred nuts spot it looked like I'm blurring the spotted cow out for promotional purposes. Obviously, yeah. And then Sam getting arrested.

What's Sam getting arrested for? Public intoxication. Seems about right. Yeah. Seems about right. Spot on. What would you get arrested for? What do we have to bail your ass out for?

Public intoxication is an easy one because I like being drunk outside. It's my favorite. It's the best place to get drunk is outside during the day, hands down. Maybe a bar fight that I instigated but didn't start. I pushed this guy's buttons. I got my shit rocked, and they're like, you kicked him on the way down. We got to take you down.

Like, probably one of those. It was my goal in college before I left to get into a bar fight, which is a dumb goal. Did you make it happen? No, so close. You still got time. So close. No, I think I'm over it. I really don't want to get punched anymore.

That's fair. I mean, I'm sure you're hanging with the right people. you pay me if you pay me a hundred dollars things are really bad right now if you pay me a hundred dollars i'll pay you back on top of the hundred i paid you to come out yeah jesus is an expensive dream man that's funny i probably get tax tax fraud or something like because i do my taxes but i don't know if i do them right you know every time i'm like that's how you know you're not making enough money that if you're doing your taxes wrong they're like just fuck it whatever i i think i make good money but also at the same point i'm like i don't know if this is right because every question is like very confusing

yeah i have a tax guy my family is a tax guy which is nice i'm not a huge fan of him because every the last two years he's like you owe money i'm like you fucking suck yeah do your job better make sure like lie okay i shouldn't be that's the thing like you have to start lying all right i'm gonna start doing it now for free what's next all right so i have a bunch of questions and chat gT is crazy right now? Yeah, I just signed up for it. And I asked him a bunch of questions. It just says error, not working.

Apparently, I have the program that says it'll only work when it's not in high demand. Are you just Googling yourself or what? On ChatGPT? You can like ChatGPT like the top 10 comedians in Milwaukee. They'll literally come up top 10 comedians in milwaukee they'll literally come out top 10 comedians in milwaukee i whatever i signed up for it's like you have the free version i'm like i'm not paying for this shit yeah and i looked at the details like it's available when it's not in high demand so apparently it's in high demand when i'm at work what yeah do you

have the one that says open ai or whatever yeah i, I think so I just go Google ChatGPT and go to the website You don't have an account? No I mean, you have to log in, but yeah Yeah Fuck, alright, let's go Well, so I did like how to be good at comedy Oh

Okay Alright, so here's So these are 10 things to be better at comedy. Okay. Okay? You have a unique comedy voice. Okay. I'd say maybe Arab.

I don't have an Arab. I'm going to get you canceled in just one time. I can do Asian. Start strong. Use your best joke up front. Okay. There you go. Just one time. I can do Asian. Start strong. Use your best joke up front. Okay. There you go.

Understand the audience. I don't even know what that means. Ask them questions. Get to know what ails them, what makes them happy. Do you like Chinese food? I don't know. That was weird. And then they go, understand the audience. And then the next one was connect with the audience.

What is the difference? If you're understanding them, isn't that connecting? I can kind of see that one. Like, I understand where you're coming from, but I fucking hate you. That kind of thing. Like, you get people's point of view, but I'm not your friend. Embrace vulnerability. Do you think you can embrace vulnerability

on stage? Yeah. Do they know the real Michael? Yeah. He's a dick. Learn from your past. This is just the definition of comedy. Tell us your shit stories from the past. That's comedy right now.

Then the last three are practice, write, study. That's the last three. Was. Then the last three are practice, write, study. That's the last three. Was that 10? That was 10. Practice, write, study. Yeah. It's very dumb. It's very dumb.

But also at the same point. It's vague. You could have did that on your own. Why? Someone who doesn't do comedy. Knew that. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, give us ten rules for comedy Everyone be like Be funny What's a rule What's a rule that's not on there That you would give Like an honest rule Yeah

Honest rule Show confidence Good I don't Big ones just be comfortable on the stage Yes If you look uncomfortable Then no one Nothing's believable, in my opinion.

And then we'll be yours. Have fun with it. Yes. Don't beat yourself up about every little thing. Enjoy being on stage. Enjoy the craft of it. That's what I would say. Okay, my final one, talk to the audience, not at them.

Yeah. Yeah, don't be aggressive. That's connecting with the audience, asshole. That's to you, Chad GP. Fuck you. You're going to get cut by AI. The first guy you've ever canceled by AI. No.

I saw some article, AI is comfortable killing humans. I might be the first one. Oh, that's how you're going to murder me. I don't know. My computer will explode at work.ael died doing what he loved well chubby gpt i just like found a bunch of podcast questions that you should ask brandon told me to do this and i tried doing it today and it didn't work yeah i had to i had to wiggle around because the podcast questions fucking suck chat ppt chat ppt ppt powerpoint yeah

uh how come this was the first question how come after you open things from the like from a grocery store then you have to put them in the fridge like ketchup is stored outside of the fridge um and then as soon as you open it. There is an easy answer to this. It's preservatives for sure. I don't know. But it's from like. That's what I don't get.

Like the best. So it would never expire if you don't open it? No. Because there's a best buy and a sell by date. I think. Yeah. It's air. no because there's a best buy and a sell by date i think yeah it's air i mean i think when you package stuff and you vacuum seal it it's tightened there you're not like squishing a fresh bottle of ketchup so i'm talking out of my ass i don't know i think it's the air the confidence that went to me was was it was amazing i loved it

The air. The confidence that went into me was amazing. I loved it. You break the seal, I guess. Yeah. Don't you do that when you're drinking? Yeah, it's the worst. It's the worst thing because then you're going to be fucking every two seconds.

It's always booze. It's never like, I mean, actually you drink enough water, you break a seal, I feel like. But I have two beers and I break a seal. I'm peeing three more times. I'll stop drinking beer after two beers and then I pee once. I'm like, I'm peeing five more times after this. I could break a seal and then not drink after that. Like, there's nothing and I still have to go to bed. I think it's because your body doesn't need all of it.

So, like, all right. We don't need this. Get it the fuck out. Whereas, we're absorbing water. By the way, guys, we are scientists. Just so everyone knows. We are a thousand percent scientists. I have a PhD.

I have a chat G PhD. pretty harmful disease pretty huge dick um i was doing the player's hater degree player's haters i was doing this with my girlfriend the other day what could phd stand for so i could have one phd does she have a phd no she does not she could she has a small dick burn thank god No, she does not. She could. She has a small dick? Burn. Thank God. Don't you hate when your girlfriend's big? Suck if it was bigger than mine. Yeah, I hate when that happens. So if you could have a third eye, would you?

Or a third arm? You know, like they always say, like... Can I pick where the eye goes? Oh. I guess, yeah. A third eye. I go a third eye. What the fuck are you going to do with a third arm? Can I pick where the arm goes?

You fucking jerk off, yeah. I think a third eye is just... It'd be easier to get used to, for one. You're not adding a limb. I don't know. I think adding a limb would be fucking cool. How big's the arm? Is it the same as the other one?

Is it a baby arm? You know how much things... I think it's the same as the other one. You know how many things you could hold? Yeah. Or like... 50% more. Grocery shopping would be so much better.

What else? You can cook and then do something else. I think... Yeah, but a third eye. Like, imagine you had it in your hand You could like look around things Oh that's where you were gonna put it I thought you were gonna put it on the back of your head Yeah no

I kind of like that That was kind of I like my hand That's kind of cool You just do it like this And one there is an eye in the back of your head Yeah yeah yeah That's kind of cool

You can be sneaky with it Okay You can be a spy Okay That was a better answer than I thought it was gonna be Yeah That's yeah I put it in my hand That's kind of cool. You can be sneaky with it. You can be a spy. Okay. That was a better answer than I thought it was going to be. Yeah. I put it in my hand. That's smart.

It sucked trying to lift. You always have something in your hand. It's going to be blocked out most of the time. Do you have any ridiculous fears? I think we did this one before. My ridiculous one I told you before. It's not ridiculous. I don't like garbage disposals

yeah yeah did i tell you that uh a buddy of mine hates his belly button being touched that's his most irrational fear is his belly button being touched it's a fear i would call that a pet peeve like don't fucking no it's a fear like he worries about it swearing he's to worry about yeah stop fucking swearing. Yeah. He does not like anything. He'd be like touching it or pushing it. Like there's times where to torture him, people have pinned him down and touched his butt. Do you have an innie or outie?

Or do you have one of those like I wasn't sure? It's an innie. It's definitely an innie. Mine's an innie, but it looks like it wasn't sure because it's like it's all like squiggly on the inside. I've seen people's belly buttons. I don't know if they're just because they're fat, but like it looks like it doesn't end. it's like it's all like squiggly on the inside i've seen people's belly buttons i don't know if they're just because they're fat but like it looks like it doesn't end you could just stick your whole oh yeah mine is it's like barely in any and then it looks like it looks like a what's it called uh a crab rangoon top like if you look at a crab rangoon from the

top that's kind of what it looks like did they just suck at cutting the umbilical cord i don't know how does that happen i couldn't tell you well we have phds so that's how we that's how that happened did you ever bowl cut when you were a kid no i had buzz cuts or crew cuts oh i had a bowl cut i had a crew cut for all of my life leading up to about leading up to high school. And then I didn't want it anymore because I didn't like the way it looked, which is kind of I just have a longer crew cut now. Yeah. And I was like, I might as like, I'll cut your hair. What do you want? I'm like, I want to cut your hair.

He ended up cutting my hair. Yeah. I wanted a buzz cut instead because I don't like how long it is on top it's like two i would always try and push it down um and we went to sports clip and there's like a 30 minute wait and he's like i will cut your hair all you want is a buzz cut i don't trust you and he goes it's a buzz cut and i'm like no and we were waiting for like 25 minutes and he goes i'll pay you 20 my first buzz cut, I got paid $20. And then I started letting him give me like face.

Did you get paid $20 because your family was, the kids needed to eat? Yeah. My dad just wanted to hang out with me. No, he paid me $20 to give me my first haircut. And then I was like, oh, he gave me buzz cuts all throughout until I was like a junior in high school. And then I started going to the short on the sides, long on top again, fades, and I let him do that. That's crazy. I never would have guessed you'd had such a skilled hair.

They weren't skilled haircuts. I often would like, my hair would grow out. I'm like, dad, can you just cut the sides for me? Yeah. And just do that.

And it looked good enough. That's wild. Yeah. I remember during COVID, you can go to, everyone had long hair, you know, I'll show you a video of me with long hair.

I, it curled in the back. It was disgusting. Yeah. That's, I hate when my hair touches my ears. in the back. It was disgusting. Yeah. I hate when my hair touches my ears. Fucking the worst.

There's nothing, no better feeling than getting your hair cut. I mean, there's plenty of better feelings, but it's a good feeling. That's true. Where we at?

I was just checking to see where we're at. We're good. Okay, we're good. No, we don't need to end. I got, I need to prepare more for these things, especially if I want to.

I keep saying I want to revamp it, but there's not a lot of people I want to talk to anymore. I need to start asking some entertaining people who've got some stories to tell. Interesting people that don't have the same stories that you do, I think. Exactly. That's what keeps you interested. I stopped asking comedians. I want so badly on my podcast to talk to people who like have work with the brain because i think that's interesting to me if you could celebrity

wise give me like three people you'd want on that you think would be fun to talk to do you know who they'd be who you oh do i know who they'd be yeah do you know who mine are i'm never gonna guess you're guy fieri uh i would love to have him on i have a list i started a list a long time ago what's your list um and i forgot i had this list and let's see where are we I want alright so I'll give you just kind of where I'm at I want an athlete a music artist

and actor or random kind of thing so athlete music either acting or something else

okay so who are your I'm guessing you're three no I'll tell you my athlete. I'm either between Randy Moss or Joe Burrow. Oh. Mainly because I think Aaron Rodgers would be too cliche right now. Yeah.

But I would love, and he's, I want to give him a break. I want to give him a break. Also, I think Aaron, I love Aaron when he was with the Packers, but he also thought he was, like, so smart. I bet you he is smarter than me. Yeah, yeah. But, like, I would feel dumb. Yes, I would have to read a book real quick before he came.

My athlete would be, so I'm going to go with Randy Moss. Randy Moss, okay. Straight cash, homie. My musical artist, Lewis Capaldi. He's so funny. So funny. He is so funny. So funny.

I thought of him when you were saying, yeah, he's one of, if not the funniest musician out there I've ever seen. I love when he basically does crowd work at his own concerts. It's hysterical. Yeah. I love also he keeps talking talking about the one direction people and they go crazy and then he acts like they're coming on stage and they don't that's amazing and then my actors so there's and it's from the last two shows i watch but i think i think they're gonna stay on this list is either jason sudeikis big Ted Lasso fan. I was going to guess what you watched last.

Big Ted Lasso fan. And then Killian Murphy. Oh, you watched Peaky Blinders? Yeah. So good. I've seen interviews with him, and he's quiet but very interesting. And the videos of him trying to use a phone and stuff like that, just he wouldn't care about trends or whatever.

He'd actually just have a conversation. Like, have you seen this TikTok video? I don't give a shit. That's kind of why. So my two actors would be kind of very similar to that. Tom Hardy. Great, great. Have you ever seen him like talk?

I bet Sam would have the same answer. Yeah, yeah. He's just kind of like. And it's kind of like. Or Shiloh. He's kind of like Bane. Yeah. Darkness. Or shiloh kind of like pain yeah darkness uh or shiloh buff be good he'd be great the like his hot ones go right now watch his hot ones it's one of the

best hot ones i've ever seen should watch his john bernthal one you ever watch the punisher or oh yeah yeah he does like a super serious one and like his actual story it's pretty impressive that's good i like that see it and yeah like shiloh buff is a crazy person too yeah he's insane yeah so i thought that would be a good one musician wise man i mean there's probably i could go a few different ways but but just getting Rihanna in the booth just to hear her life. Because if there's one person who doesn't know how much a gallon of milk costs, it's got to be Rihanna. Do you think she drinks milk? I don't think she has, I don't even know if she's a human.

Like, she is a billionaire. Of all celebrities, who do you think is least likely to be human? Do you think it's Rihanna? Oh, Zuckerberg. You ever see Zuckerberg on the fucking... He does jujitsu now. Have you ever seen him on that hoverboard where he only has sunscreen on his entire face? He doesn't look human.

Only on his entire face. It's in the metaverse. I don't know.uckerberg is a good one i don't know i really don't know that's a question wait did i answer uh music yeah you have athlete now athlete um man i think conor mcgregor is very funny he's a very he's just i don't think you would talk no but also he's just like so stupid funny i guess it's like he that's generally he's just trying to say words that he heard about he's trying to get a reaction yeah yeah he's great at pushing buttons i love how

he showed up like 90 minutes one time to to a press conference that he's supposed to be at with his name on the big thing. Like he's the main fight. And he showed up 90 minutes late and was like, I don't give a fuck. What could you have been doing for those 90 minutes? This is your job. Yeah. Were you just in the trailer hanging out?

He's like, I'm going to show up 90 minutes late. It's going to be funny. That's wild. Yeah. Man. I wish I could. I don't have much of my phone my phone is like stupid uh jokes so many different note things on here i have yeah i have like my i have one called pop-ups and rants that's where i write my notes for stand-up now i have one for

sets so i'm like i just put together like. I have a to-do list that I never look at. I have a list of, there's one guy at the gym we take his weight every Monday. So I have how much he's weighed every Monday since December 5th of 2022.

He is officially down, for anyone who wants to know, 50.6 pounds. Wow. Yeah, 726 pounds. Wow. Yeah, he's 72 years old. Damn. That's impressive as fuck. I was not going to guess 72 years old.

It's a promotion for my training, so come pay me all your money. And you can see his feet up close. Exactly. You can see where people take massive shits and need toilet paper. I just have jokes that would never make it on the stage oh half my pop-ups rants is yeah i started writing it this one said i lived in miami in 2019 and because i wanted to do stand-up and i just didn't do it for yeah two years two and a half years i just have like this would be funny.

It's a story from high school. It never is. It'll never. I have one that says, dog's best friend? My best friend's Tyler, and he's never made me stand outside and watch him shit in the yard. It's a real typical dog joke. I'm never going to make this stage. Oh, God.

I have a note. What is it? So I trained Ben, the guy, Ben Hoffman. For everyone else, the guy was on the last episode. I know Ben Hoffman. Two or three days. And then we would go to Starbucks and we'd talk about, like, hey, we should do, and I should do, do like more content on my channel or whatever yeah so we were going to do this thing we called ben fails at everything and we were going to make fun

of the fact that he had brain cancer and a stroke and i was going to sign him up to do athletic events and not tell him and then just bring him to it so he's like michael what are we doing today and the first one i wrote was marathon so we were going to make Ben do a marathon, Packers open tryouts, if they ever had them, or combine drills. I was going to sign him up for a bodybuilding competition, oil him up and everything, and be like, you need to go out there.

Just eat spicy food, because I think him eating spicy food would be funny. This one just says, take away Ben's control. I don't know what the fuck that means. You're going to dominate Matrix for Ben. We have Haunted House. Take away Ben's control. That's going to make him do an arm wrestling competition.

With his right hand? Yeah. Jeez. Just do a push-up. My favorite thing is, this is going to look so mean if you don't know Ben. Well, that's the thing. I was like, what we have to do is, like, Ben has agreed to all of these stunts. After he has done these stunts, please do not be whatever.

But I was like, just... Oh, God. I have one stroke, survive, does backflip. That's not good. If he can do them, you know. Yeah, he... It was... I like the idea.

I think it'd be fun. We'd run out of ideas soon, but like a mini series... I love... I would love to take normal people just in a... I mean, they don't even be in Brain Cancer or Divorce Stroke for a lot of those. No. And they're going to suck at it. Just got to be from Wisconsin, fat and drunk.

No, just take a comedian and put them in a marathon. Everyone besides Elijah and Reagan and Chris Schmidt are going to fail at it. I would fail at it, and I'm an athletic trainer. Yeah. I would fail at it. I would love to do the 40 thing, the 40-time thing. What's that? Like for the NFL combine, they do the 40-time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be very funny to see. I would love just all the community. We're doing the combine today. I want to see everyone's benching. Who wants to headline get the fastest time oh my god we would have a ass backward lineup i think arm wrestling would be very funny just for like shows make them whatever the lineup is where you place

i like that i like that um i'm gonna keep going on my notes here dude i have so many i'm like this podcast is gonna do so well with all this this is like the number one thing i want to take off my socks you know what for all you guys here's a little heel oh jesus you gotta pay extra you got a patreon once on stage and it did well and It's the one video that did really well. It's called Asking for a Friend. And that's the hamster video. I have questions you ask people

that you feel like you should know the answers to, but you really don't. Do you have any of those? Yeah, the tentacle arm one for the octopus one. What is that? Are their arms or legs? Oh, I like that. I think they're just tentacles.

I don't think they're neither. They got to be, they got to be arms or legs. I don't think, I don't think they're just, they got to be something. Yeah, what are they? What are, that's what I'm saying. But when you do like, because they do this. Like, they're doing the breaststroke or whatever, the frogger swim move. I think they're both.

I think if you look closely, there's. Okay. Maybe it depends on how many suction cups are in each one. Yeah, definitely. Nine suction cups. It's a leg. Eight, it's an arm. PhDs, baby. PhDs. It's a leg. Eight, it's an arm. PhDs, baby.

PhDs. Pretty hot dicks. It's a warm one. It's a warm summer. Yeah, it might be hot. Does your dick get smaller when it's really warm out? Yeah, I mean, it's hard to get smaller, but it is. And it just sticks to my leg.

It's crazy. Yeah, my dick's not big enough to reach the leg it's the nutsack it looks like elbow skin it just does not well you don't wear a lot of compression i wear a compression shorts every day i wore compressors all day today oh yeah yeah that's when it's the worst yeah i did wear did wear them golfing again. Did you? Dude, I shot an 87. Works. I started wearing them, yeah. Works.

Why can't I do that when I'm golfing with you guys? Because we suck. That's what I've done. You golfed down to your competition. I might, yeah. Yeah, you got to golf with good people. Also, I was sober Sunday, so. Oh, sober Sunday.

But I'm going to give you another asking for a friend. The one I gave Sam is um where do you naturally find a hamster which works so well because he was high off his ass and didn't he thought i was gonna ask him questions based off you know our friendship but um what was another one some of them are dumb like my mom doesn't know How to play I found out last What was it Last

State fair My mom told me She didn't know how to play Rock paper scissors Asking for a friend Should my mom know How to play rock paper scissors No

Also What a life What a life she's got a life yeah i know where she's never played like never even like i i think she's lying to me but she goes no i just i never played never learned i'm like you've never even heard someone say you know rock beats scissors scissors paper paper i also why does paper beat rock? That's a big one. That's always like the whole thing because the rock's not hurt. I still think it should be rock, scissors, dynamite.

Rock, scissors, dynamite? You cut the wick. Yeah. So that's why you blow up the rock. It just sounds better, rock, paper, scissors. Yeah, I think that's what it is. Does it sound better because that's what we've always heard yeah i think rock paper dynamite that sounded pretty good rock paper dynamite rock paper dynamite we say it keep saying it rock paper dynamite i think it would it's gonna

catch on it'll catch on it's gonna get good um if you could choose a different name what would it be for myself yeah If you could choose a different name, what would it be? For myself? Yeah. Paul. That's the deepest breath. And then you said the most basic name I've ever heard. Well, my middle name was supposed to be Paul. That's the only one I could think of.

I was supposed to be Michael Paul. There's the only one i could think of that like i'm supposed to be michael paul there's a guy there's a guy i know his name's jordan his last name is block very basic right yeah very basic middle name tex tex like government name is tex tex where is he from milwaukee yeah no minnesota actually. That's even worse. Yeah. But still, I was like, why don't you go by... He goes by Jordan. Go by Tex. That's got to be the thing.

I feel like... You can't go by Tex in the Midwest. That's the coolest name ever. Yeah. Tex. Do you have any cool nicknames? Yeah. No, I'm not not gonna say that i'm not gonna say mine either i was getting canceled real quick

well that's not phd it's june dairy month everybody just remember it's a pride month we're just that cow is more important? Are they? I think they make rainbow milk during June. No, June, they have brunch on the farm and stuff. It's where a bunch of... You just assume the gays like brunch? No, there's brunch. So basically this farm in every county will have brunch on the farm,

which is a big scrambled eggs, pancakes, everything on the farm, and the people can walk around and pet the cows. Really? That's a real thing, yeah. For Pride Month? For Pride, yeah. How long did it take Pride Month to get to the cow community? Do you guys have sales?

First of all, I don't think Pride Month, and the fact that Pride Month and June Dairy Month are in the same month, good on them. It's progressive. But at the same point, I think June Dairy Month actually needs to have its own parade and stuff, you know? Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Companies need to start getting on it. My whole thing is today I'm just trying to push June,

January, month. June, January, month. Is your family struggling? Do they need $100? Guys,

my kid's sick. My parents are bad, but I need $100. If you could just Venmo or cash at me, I want to go drink at Michael Kuski. I'll send him half. Um, I'm going to ask you one last question.

Please do. Um, we should have just ended there, but this is the only one that like makes sense. Um, the people that die from skydiving. Yeah. Like the chute doesn't open,

but it just hits the ground. What's the cleanup process like? Yeah, I mean, it's hard. Like, you call Jenny, the receptionist, and be like, clean up Cow Farm 3. Dude, all the, like, terrible. Like, have you ever seen the show 100 Ways to Die or 1, ways to die or whatever yeah all those like crazy deaths imagine like the after of like the other people talking like did terry really just yeah die choking on carrots dude i the only

one i remember is a lady died from a pool cue going up her hoo-ha. She was trying to, you know, ha-ha. Corner pocket. And she went, ba-ba. Yeah. Life corner pocket. Yeah, but then they're like, oh, Luis. You know, you remember how Luis loved pool cues?

Can you imagine? We host a pool tournament for her in her honor every year. This is our 10th annual Louise pool cue. Oh, man. We're done. We're done. That was a good liquid death. Thank you.

Yeah. We should get sponsored. Liquid death. Started with death, ended with death. Liquid death, sponsor us, please. They sponsor We should get sponsored. Liquid Death sponsored us. Started with death, ended with death. Liquid Death sponsored us. Please. They sponsor a lot of things. Do you think they'd sponsor this?

Yeah. Liquid Death. When you want your can to look like a beer, but not really. I love that you first showed up to Nutrition Facts, not even though it's a game. Liquid Death. 20 calories. We're done.