Fat Chance Podcast - Get Out of Jail Free w/ Carmen Morales Ep.131

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

LA comedian, Carmen Morales joins the boys this week and teaches them the easiest way to avoid jail time. Check her out this weekend Aug 9th and 10th at the Laughing Tap in Milwaukee, WI!  @Thefunnycarmen  on YouTube and Instagram. https://www.carmenmorales.com for future dates, tickets, and merch! Check out her podcast "No Sir, I Dont Like It" Available wherever you stream your podcasts! SPONSORED BY: Booze Better Supplements: Use the link below to start drinking better and recovering faster! https://www.supplementsolutions.us/?ref=67FwapSjNHdTKo PATREON!!!! patreon.com/fatchancestudios CHECK OUT THE NEW FAT CHANCE SHORTS CHANNEL!!! @FatChanceShorts https://youtube.com/@FatChanceShorts?si=wCjiBc0ddHEYk_bs Get your Chewzie TODAY! @TheChewzie https://www.thechewzie.com Check Out The Crew: Michael Cuske - @michaelcuske on everything Judd Reminger - @juddremingerscomedy7298 @juddreminger on all others Jack Cerasoli - @jackthedragon1 or @jack_c_comedy Diego Avila - @trashpimp (photography)

So there I was watching the Joe Rogan special. I want to watch it. I want to watch it. Four year old jokes about COVID. And I'm like, wait, I wrote jokes before that. Did he not? He said he has, it didn't say he hasn't done one in six years. Yeah.

No, he hasn't wrote jokes in four. Well, his podcast has been the same for four jokes as well for the best four years Unfortunately, but my favorite meme from it was someone just put a curly Q because he's in the yellow Was by far the funniest thing ever But it's something got to be kind of silly Yeah, we we kind of the golf on you should talk about the golf I'm mesmerized by our new gadget. Weing we are fast approaching and we have some great news By the time you see this we probably sold out which is great So we made four million dollars for those of you who signed up from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you

Thank you very much for coming for those of you who didn't go fuck yourselves This is Why are you looking at me like that? They're not busy. No, they're not busy. They're not busy mean to people. Yes. No, I am gonna be mean to people It's a good precursor for you know later No, seriously, thank you everyone who has signed up. Thank you to Deer Tracks for allowing us to do this. Thank you to every one of our sponsors.

There's still a few spots left if you are interested in just helping out the event, raising awareness for both these wonderful foundations and raising money for the wonderful things they do for our community. So if you're interested in doing that, feel free to message us. But for those of you who are already committed to doing it, thank you again so much.

It's gonna be 10 times better than what last year was. The people that have committed, have committed in a great way. So this is gonna be such a fun event. We have the course for our entire day. So we can fuck around, which is gonna be so fun. We're gonna be so sockless. It's gonna be such a fun event. We have the course for our entire day so we can fuck around, which is gonna be so fun. We're gonna be so sockless. It's gonna be amazing.

And I know people have been asking about that. Do the socks come off on the Patreon? I don't know. Send us your money and maybe you'll find out. I think at the end of every episode, what we will do is probably do a little bit of like a- We'll just show you a tell. A little like ramble of just us like yeah recapping. Yeah, our socks be off. Maybe

Maybe one will be 69 possibly there is glass table from the bottom view no there there was a comment that says We're so close. I can feel it. What are we close to? Because we're so close I can feel it. What are we close to? What are we close to? What are we close to? What are we close to? We had some of the greatest comments I've seen in a while.

Someone time stamped 400 different things in an episode. That's fun. I believe it's a... I never look at them, but I always know that somebody definitely loved that point. I know, I was like, it's probably been Judson and funny. That was when the game got good. Yeah, yeah. My mom found out how YouTube works and figured out how to time- This is every time my son shows up on screen. It's Mama Kostki just every time. Can we say Mama Kostki?

Just watch the whole thing or it's buzz Shut up buzz buzz if you really do watch or listen Throw out a comment. We'd love to hear from you. I don't think buzz listens on YouTube I think she's she's a probably a Spotify or Apple podcast really I bet she's an Apple podcast person I would also think that too, but you never know sometimes it buzz I'm just just surprised. Yeah, she's a sweet sweet lady a wonderful mother and grandmother as well Pandora. She's a grandmother Wow yes, but Booze better

They are gonna be at the golf hunting so that's me fun They are the products products gonna be right with it. They they're gonna come next year in person which is great. You get to meet the two genius men behind the best hangover here I have ever tried this side of the Mississippi. And I'm being honest to you I don't know what side of the Mississippi we're on. We're East East. Yes. Yes. Did you not know that. Is this is this blowing your mind right now? I'll be honest, I don't- Buddy. We're going to be talking about that. Fat chance buddy.

That should be our slogan. Okay. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. My buddies this weekend were asking what they call mix in with the boost better. Oh, nothing carbonated because it will explode like Coke and Mentos. But if you want to get risky, mix some carbonated, just put the cap on, let it sit for a little bit. Don't do beer. Stick with water, most likely.

It's probably on the label, only water. Yeah, water. Also, when you're trying to feel better, you're not throwing down another beer. But I mean, you never know. It know drink after your last drink of the night. What if you mixed it with your last drink of the night? Yeah, have I done it? I've done it. Yes. I did it with my middle drink once Was supposed to do that. Yeah Yeah, it's all all all over a

Honest van that now should have gotten pulled over. Yeah Hey charities Big checks We didn't sign anything slander can happen But except for that big fat jack. But we might as well introduce what we're doing today. We have something a little different for everybody. Yes. Today we have a special guest. She's a very funny comedian coming out of Los Angeles, California.

Funny Carmen on Instagram, or as we know her, Carmen Morales. She is going to be here this weekend at the Laughing Tap in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, August 9th and 10th. So what you are about to see is our wonderful interview with her. We play games with her this time. It's not just our dumb brains. She provides provides a sense of you know intelligence a few good stories, and there's a whole time where she was talking I was like oh you're way too. Oh, she's a I thought you were an art nerd She blows you out of the water. Yeah, well my arts like fucking plastic figures that I paint

She knew actual artists, and I knew what artists she was talking about was like wow the way you're talking about this You know what she knows before we put her on Start again ladies and gentlemen common Morales That is the nice thing about blacking out right? It saves you from your own anguish. Yeah absolutely. Except when it's recorded. Yeah recorded.

I think that's most of my friends contact pictures for me. We haven't seen you throw up yet. No. I've grown up a long time since COVID of 2020. I am a firm believer this pee on the couch show could be you. It could have been me. I guess we can introduce ourselves. Yes, or I'm Judd Ramsey around comedian here in Milwaukee. This is Jack. I'm Jack sir. So I am a retired comedian here in Milwaukee

And then Michael Kuski a current comedian here in Milwaukee as well. So thank you for coming on by the way to participating and one retired smart man. Yeah yeah I just got married so I was like gotta keep that together. So we're keeping it moving along. Is my sound okay for you guys? I just want to make sure. Oh yeah you sound great. You sound way better than we do probably. I need to look at the giant TV we set up for this specifically not the tiny I mean, we're not going to be able to do that. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it.

We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it.

We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. I'm excited. I do always have a good time in the Midwest. I mean, that's like one of the things I always riff about is how the Midwest gets a lot of shit. But it's pretty delightful if you like joy. I mean seasonal joy. Yeah, you're coming at the towards the tail end of the joy. I think we can get to about October here and then you got another six months of just gray and nothing. So yeah you're very right. I mean if you

like to drink it's it's fun year-round but if you're not a drinker you need the sun. Right. Exactly. Well that's the whole thing is like what sucks is like whatever is good for the Midwest sign of sucks for stand-up. So the summer oftentimes is brutal. I'm certain a lot you guys know it because everybody wants to be on a fucking beer gardener. You know what I'm saying? Or they wanna be at their buddy's cabin or they wanna be at the dolls with their kids or whatever.

And I'm just like, okay, or you could still go to a nice air conditioned room and listen to my thoughts. I'd appreciate that Everyone does their festivals too like in the summertime so like I I'm a producer for don't tell comedy here, Milwaukee and just getting people to be booked in the summer is So hard like I'm like just come to the show like come on you can do comedy at don't tell I'm like I got a book for this festival or I'm doing this here. I'm like, just come to the show. Like, come on, you can do comedy at Don't Tell.

And they're like, I got a book for this festival or I'm doing this here. I was like, all right, whatever. Yeah, it's a rough time in the summer. Yeah, and even people showing up, it's because they all started. The interesting theory is that they started doing festivals in the summer to combat that everybody

is like already outside. They're like, well, what if we bring the comedy outside in a tent where it's kind of unbearable? Then. And everyone's gotten out. the comedy outside in a tent where it's kind of unbearable then. Everyone's got an out. You could just disappear in the back if you're doing comedy in a tent. They've been trying to do on a rooftop shows and I'm like yeah you just want the comedians to jump if they don't get any laughs. Have you been to Wisconsin comedy before? Have you been to the tap before?

Cause I saw you're also doing the comedy cabin. I was actually their first show back when they reopened from the pandemic. Oh, nice. And yeah, I love those guys. We talk about comedian, comedian on comedian love. Like they are comedians that started their own club, which oftentimes if you go historically,

a lot of times that's detrimental because you get like a disgruntled, you know, weirdo that's mad that the industry never fucked with them. And then, so then they started their own clubs. So they have their own rules and can book the people that they like. But there's been a resurgence in comedians on in comedy clubs where it's rad.

And this is a perfect example of that like I helped them paint the stage I used to go to Milwaukee so often that like I know all of them I've known all of them for a decade like I love Milwaukee I always had a great time there and and it was one of the cities that I always thought was kind of overlooked even by musicians too not just by comedians but by musicians as well. So what's your favorite thing to do when you do come down here? When you have been down here, what's the number one thing you do?

I have spent a lot of time in dive bars there. But that's, you know, you go because you hang out with your buddies and your buddies are comedians and they're all, you know, you guys know, they're all degenerates. Yeah. So what do you, yeah. I know where the casino is. I know where the dive bars are. I know where a late night food spot is, but I mean, I still like, um, I'm also more of a locals only kind of person when I travel anyways. So, um, some of this stuff, I like, I've been

to the, I've been to museums and, and I like, I still like to, I think you guys have like a cute downtown, which I think is nice. Most downtowns are, are, are kind of an abomination, but yours are actually nice and walkable and stuff like that. And there's like, there's a lot of diversity in food and like restaurants and stuff like that. And there's a lot of diversity in food and restaurants and stuff like that. And the art scene is pretty sick. I used to do a bunch of shows back when there was the old comedy club that was off of...

Old World Third, it was called the Comedy Cafe. And it was off Old World Third. I used to do the Comedy Cafe years ago. We'd get paid, somebody had a Glock on the desk. Okay. Did I bomb. You know I didn't think I bombed that bad. Jesus Christ. It would shortchange you and you couldn't say no. It was like it was awful. Yeah. Yeah it was rude. And then there was another one there was like an old comedy zone that was in the basement of a strip club on the West side that I used to do as well.

And it was very obviously a money laundering front, but the shows are pretty sick, dude. The shows were pretty sick like, cause you would get all the burbs feet people out there and then, you know, you have like obviously people that hired a babysitter to go to this comedy show but they had to walk into a strip club to get to it. That was jokers and it was yes it was Joker and it was right next to the strip club silk. Really? Yes. Silk or was it arts performance? No, it was so so so like they would get a lot of the deals were By tickets to the comedy show get a free

Dance and sort of thing like they would have like these like comedy like strip club nights. It was a while It was called a smash man. I think those venues are fun though Like if it you do a normal like courtyard one like you said outside You get you have the ability to leave But the fact that you're in a place you don't think you should be for comedy makes it all that much better like we got a babysitter to go smell like cinnamon when we came home and Not the good kind You know if I brought like my wife on a date down there and I was like, hey, we're going to see a comedy

show and we walk down the stairs of Silk, I think she'd be like, let's just go to Silk. Just go watch some chicks dance. I'd be like, all right, cool. That's fine too. But yeah, I feel like that date when you sit down and like- Only in certain cities could you get something like that because there's's a lot of like a lot of places in the south. They would never tolerate that. Like those are two things you would have to be very separate.

But that was like one of the business plans was like, oh, we'll just make them leave through the strip club or you have the option to leave through the strip club. So then maybe you go and stay for the few drinks. And it was great for the comedians because all the boys would go upstairs and lose their check to cinnamon. Yeah. The money's just that's a great business model. That's actually a really good business model. Like we're not even paying these guys like we're not. Just get a free lap dance. It's like when they pay money passing hands

and mowing each other in person. They's not really passing hands, but it's... Well, Bruno Mars does like his Vegas trips, and they say they paid him in like chips. And now he's so in debt to the casino he can never leave. That's what they say. He's like million dollars in debt. No way, Bruno. That doesn't surprise me. Which is also wild because it's like nine hundred dollars to see him in Vegas So the man is gotta be balls deep in death

Has no poker face he has no strategy. He just shows up. He's just singing at the table Everybody's like oh he obviously has this Every time he's going this bitch I'm in a bowl. He's just hitting on 20. It's just like, hit me. Every time he's going, this bitch. Yeah. That's the last time he had a song. I do think there is something that's kind of exciting about going to a place that's unconventional, i.e. like the Laughing Tap is a fucking brewery

that they turned into a comedy club. But the same thing goes for like the don't tell shows. Like I'm going, why am I at this CrossFit gym? I just got texted an address. This isn't sketchy at all. And then, oh, I actually had a good time. I didn't die, you know? Like, so that usually brings out a kind of person

that's interesting and more open to maybe like odder concepts and odder or weirder forms of comedy, I think. So I think comedy in weird places is rad as well. So I used to say like, when I started this show for like, Don't Tell, I would use to say, I'm like, you guys just got the message today. You did not know where you were going until this afternoon. And they're like, yeah.

And I was like, we could have murdered you so easily. Like, you guys were so gullible. You're like, let's go to this meat locker and let's have some fun. We bought tickets. But they're so amped because it's spontaneous. It's a date night. It is a gathering. And they're going to see top notch comedians that they probably wouldn't just run into on the street

or go to those big venues. Well, that's what I thought. Don't tell us. You guys pull from different cities. And I mean, a lot of local shows and a lot of, I mean, I think LA's got to be a little different. You guys are a hub. But Milwaukee, most of the local shows

are all people we know very well. Don't tell polls from several states from around the country which is really nice but like you said the spontaneity everyone wants something new so we're bored with our everyday lives and like hey honey you want to maybe laugh or die tonight a lot of couples are up for it. Especially domination you know it's pretty the Milwaukee Domine yeah. So come I don't know how much you know about us but we like to play games here on our podcast and we also like to get

to know our guests so we're gonna play a little what a strange thing to do when you have a little game we're gonna get to know you and these guys are gonna guess your answers so So here So we get I'm gonna give you guys sheets of paper. Here's the other thing We play games that Jack and I don't know ever there's a drink something. Yeah, we're terrible. It's like two monkeys in a cage Trying to learn how to play with rocks So I have ten I have ten questions all about you so that I'm gonna I'm gonna give to them and you Do you think of your answer while they write it and then you say your answer and then we'll say what they what they wrote

Okay, let's see how off it is. Do they get points for it being clever or funny? Well, you can decide you can decide you can decide who gets the point. This is like apples apple. Being right above all is some of them. Some of them are you can easily answer them. Some of them are up to your discretion of like what's your favorite one. So I'll just start with the first one. Oh jeez. This is so good. I got bad head. Carmen has a podcast called No Sir! So where she talks about things she does not like. So what is your biggest pet peeve?

Now you guys write this down. What is her biggest pet peeve? Oh, you know what's going to bother me? No, never mind. What is Carmen's? That would be your pet. What is Carmen's biggest pet peeve? And I have too many obviously that's why I have a podcast

More than what so there's there's plenty of room here for gray area boys. I feel like you could just be specific Jerry Seinfeld. There you go. What's the deal? I'm writing on this paper like it's a whiteboard and I can cross it out. You wrote so big! You wrote so big on that piece of paper! And I haven't wrote a thing, so maybe share some of your ink. Biggest pet peeve. Write one down. Oh god.

I told you, they are bad at question number one oh god biggest pet peeve what don't you like you don't like not rad people okay that's not good okay we're off to a slow start jack i didn't write that down is in all right indecisiveness might be her number one. OK, I'll put that down. All right. Do you have an answer? I mean, yes. I have several.

So, Kuski, what is your answer? Local podcasts. Local podcasts? Jack? So new pet peeve. OK. Indecisiveness. Ooh, there you go.

Carmen, what is your answer? I got the, I have ravenous ADHD. So indecisiveness, I have too much sympathy for, for it to be a big hate. So, uh, that's a big no on that. Cause, uh, I am indecisive constantly. So I, uh, I empathize with you on that and a local podcast. actually don't mind so you're both fucking really wrong on this. I wouldn't have come on this What if this was a roundabout way for you to get me to compliment you not bad not bad boys not bad Two things I can't fucking stand. One, I hate when someone stands in the doorway. I think if you stand in a doorway on your phone or otherwise, the person behind you or in front of you should be able to 300 kick you in the back of the spine.

Just right in the middle, give you a middle back pain, the kind that's confusing and you don't know what's caused by it. It's caused by my adidus in the middle of your fucking C4 or whatever, or L2, whatever fucking vertebra it is. But I can't fucking stand it. I can't stand when somebody stands in a doorway. Just not being spatially aware of the world around them,

I will fucking, what will be rude? I will be rude. I will activate be rude I will be rude it will activate the rudeness yes spatial awareness is like a high a high priority item for me if I'm walking with someone and use like bumping to my shoulder more than twice on a walk we're not talking the rest of the walk that's a guarantee you will never walk together because again ADHD I will fucking I will herd you on accident run you into a wall just cuz I'm really mid thought and not

Have to walk in the street if you want to walk next to me one day you have to explain to a judge Your honor he stepped on the back of my heel. Yeah, I would never do that. I'm also like five foot and a half an inch. So I have to scurry walking next to any like normal size person. So it's, I'm always trying to catch up constantly. So, um, but yeah. And another pet peeve is I hate fucking hate lime and beans. I think they should have never been. Oh. All right, that's. I don't know what for heck.

I don't think, yeah, have you ever had a Lyman Bean? Never had a Lyman Bean. I think they're the cream ones, right? Do they have another name? Yeah, that's because they're getting phased out of existence because they're so fucking gross, that's why. They're awful, awful. All right, well, this at the show this weekend

Carmen has merch available such from candles to buttons to shirts One of the shirts is amen for what? What does it say amen for blank? What is the shirts well, it's not lima beans Yeah, what what this is you both should get this That's not Lima beans. Yeah. What? What? This is you both should get this. That's not helpful. It's too easy. It's too on the nose. They're trying to be clever. It's not that clever. This is a discontinued shirt. Actually, I get limited. Do your research. Is it, is it simple? Just amen for men like the Shania? I was thinking a man for a man for a man.

Write down your answers. Don't don't don't be saying I'm not. I'm very supportive of the LGBTQ community as well. So amen. I would definitely buy one of the patriarchy is definitely a man for the man. I got it. Jack, I believe in you on this one. All right. Know who I believe in? What did you say? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen for Jesus. I put the man. The people listening, please know I am not a Christian comedian. Please do not come to the show expecting that kind of. What was the other answer? What was the other answer? The man. Amen for the man. Oh, so you think I'm pro big government.

Very odd stance for a comedian. That lima bean sounds like a conspiracy. If there's one thing that backdrop says, a lot of stickers means big government. That's what I know for a fact. I actually volunteer my dad at a big brother. I like to keep. I don't put anything over my camera when I look at it. Well the answer is. That is that. Yes. Yeah. You guys should have gotten that that's one of those ones that was like one of the for I used to sell them in droves and I Hi, I honestly I was about a bit that I did it was you know It was one of those old things that merch goes back in the day used to do merch For a bit, but then what happens when you don't do the bit anymore now You just have this strange shirt with a saying on it that's it's a non sequitur into

nothing so yeah so I don't I don't sell that shirt anymore but you know if enough people give me interest I'll order we'll order some yeah bring it back now here's where we get to know you a little bit more. The question is, what is the weirdest gift you ever received? Can you guys write it down? What is the weirdest gift I've ever received? The weirdest gift I've ever received. Ooh, OK. Well.

OK. I'm just going to project my feelings through you. Because this happened to me and I was like, this is fucking weird. All right. Michael. I have a lima bean flavored boob cream or lotion Is lotion flavored I don't know it's I wrote a Halloween costume because one time my parents got me a Halloween costume for Christmas I thought this is really just like they got this on a deal

So that was weird your Jack's Christmas policy that is so telling of your family Like a Dracula costume I got like a dragon costume it was it was like Christmas like you got this for sale You got this for sale. This is so cheap. You got this for no money at all. Fuck, fuck. That was definitely a last day of the Spirit store being open. And everything must go. They're like, I don't know.

We'll give it to them for Christmas. I don't know. He'll probably do it. He's actually going to do it. I will not only, since you guys do video, I will not only tell you, I will I will not only tell you I will show you one of the weirdest things I've ever gotten I'm also an art nerd if you did want to learn something about me I'm an art nerd and I love the artist Basquiat I'm certain you guys have heard of them if not super big in the in the 90s black

dude he was unhoused and is that it's a tragic story where the art industry cannibalizes his work and blah blah blah blah blah, he ends up dying super young, drugs, we blame Andy Warhol, I'm summing his whole life up in a very cunty, concise way. But anyways, he did an art piece for a weird, he did an art piece for a weird, what's it called, a theme park. They did an art themed theme park where Keith Harding

and Salvador Dali and Basquiat made these huge rides and stuff that were all themed and stuff for their art pieces. And then it went away for a long time. It was by some Austrian pop artist that started it. It was his dream to make this thing happen, right? It was obviously Coke-cattle, this idea. And he wanted children and people of all ages to be able to digest art in a fun, whimsical

way. The idea is great Execution not so much he ends up going like into debt and like all of these big huge pieces Like it was only like one one year one year and maybe one month It was ever anybody ever saw it then it ended up in storage for years and years Drake of all people now granted this is before we find out Drake is a pedophile right. Drake in. Oh did you not know. California Southern California. I live in. Your country out here baby. I'm Team Kendrick all the way. I'd rather have a bear in the woods than a Drake in the woods you You know exactly. Yes.

Yes pro bear for sure. Well not only that but Drake Drake also seems more needy than a bear. But but so anyways one of the coolest things Drake's ever done is he threw money at this and got all of those things unearthed and then there was a display of all of those pieces that were not completely obliterated over time because this is like 30 years they and got all of those things unearthed. And then there was a display of all of those pieces that were not completely obliterated over time. Cause this is like 30 years they were in a storage unit, unearthed them and all of this stuff got put on display here. And it was an art show called Luna Luna.

So any art nerds that listen to this, you can look it up Luna Luna. And one of the things there is on the Basquiat Ferris wheel, there is a huge monkey's asshole because it was like commentary on the art industry that he felt was taking advantage of him. And so there's all these like fuck cops, like all they do is try to kill us. There's all this like brilliant commentary on this Ferris wheel, and then on the back of it, it's a huge monkey's asshole. And they sold a monkey's asshole.

Oh my god. Oh my god. They sold a monkey's asshole, and I own one. I own a plushy monkey's asshole. That looks like Jeff Dunham merch look at the D that's ridiculous that was that's when the Lord of the Rings yeah so the weirdest thing I own which you guys would have never guess I would have never guessed a monkey's asshole but I would have guessed a monkey's uncle Monkey's uncle's asshole

That's great. That's such a fun thing to have it the fact that it's She doesn't go anywhere without her monkey's asshole It took her two seconds away did what what like type of like occasion did you get that for? Did someone just give it to you because they knew you liked the monkey's ass or was this like a show thing? I just knew I liked Basquiat and they were like, oh, this will be funny. You know, it was one of those. It was one of those things. This will be hilarious. And boy, were they right. That is the sweet spot of my Venn diagram. Thoughtful and hilarious. Art comedy monkey ass. Perfect.

So obviously you're on the road a lot for these shows. The next question is favorite road trip snack. What is your favorite road trip? I mean, I can't. OK, all right. Well, now time out. Are we talking like from a restaurant or are we talking about like from a convenience store gas station? OK, OK. Convenience store gas station. Let's go that.

OK, question. Are you a multiple snack person or just like one snack? Like we're going ultimate just one I think one just one. All right a Better question would have asked would have been if I'm a salty or sweet person would have been more salty or sweet person would have been more. Nah. Yeah, it is. You both have locked in. Yeah. Michael, what is yours?

I'm going to hostess mini donuts. Oh, okay. Old school. All right. We've got Gardetto's only rye chips. Rye chips. Man. Wow.

Damn. You were close. Man. I'm going to have to give you that one because I... Whoooo! It's very controversial because in the mix, people are like, fuck the ride chips. And I'm like, fuck you, I love the ride chips. I'm a big fan.

You get a little extra butter, a little extra seasoning, it's great. Oh, so good. And if you're crazy, you get one of those cheap little cheese seasoning. It's great. That's so good. So good. If you're crazy, you get one of those cheap little cheese, the cheese sticks. You get a little cheese stick on your rye cracker. Oh my God. Cheese and crackers right there. Extra seasoning. Oh yeah. I'll blow your mind. I smoke weed. I'm going to write that down. What is that on? What would be your go-to? Is it outside of the rye bag? Because I'm more of a savory person than sweet, so I always go savory.

And I love a crunch. So usually it'll be like, you know, what is the... I love... oh man, I love a salt and vinegar like a kettle crunch salt and vinegar Yeah, I love a cape guy doesn't your mouth burn though after a while though, but I'd write prefer the chip to the place Have no interest in hanging out with those yuppie fucks, but I will take the chip for sure I mean I banked on us having four questions. We have a quick pop-up from zoom because they give you a certain amount of time for free meeting so can we give a quick hang up and then call you right back. Awesome let's do that quick. Keep the same energy though don't lose it. Did we answer? Hi, I'm Judd.

And you are? Yeah, we have some more questions for you. So I guess we can jump right into the next one. Carmen, if you're arrested, what would you be arrested for? Well, I guess we should start with I have been arrested. Okay, hold on let us write it down. Let us guess.

Oh shit. Oh. Okay. Let's get excited. Alright. What do you think? What kind of crime do I look like I commit? What kind of crime do I look like I do? Let's see. Wait, look to the right. Look to the left. Yep, I've seen that before. Yep. OK. Uh-huh. Just some mugshot merch is pretty funny. Yeah.

All right, you guys got something down? Yeah. Yep. All right, Cusky, what do you got down? I have two options. No, you can go with one. Well, too bad. Two options, depending if you're at the airport or in a doorway battery or drunk and disorderly, okay?

I had public intoxication You like well you're both wrong. I've never got I've actually gotten out of a DUI before which is unheard of And it was because I was in Minneapolis and it was because I gave up the weed I had. And it was during the Minnesota State Fair, which one of the biggest fairs in the world, and aside from the World's Fair. And I had just come from an open mic

and I was crashing at a buddy's house, Classic Road comic story and we all just did shots right before we left and I was to be and I'm not saying this for the sake of the story or like I wasn't fucked up I was totally fine a Taylor's all this time came out just like that to the cop too Sorry, everybody says I only had two drinks officer We did have a shot right before we left and that was So I get pulled over

It's really cuz I'm texting and I'm driving and I got a lot of shit going on I'm trying to blow the weed in a bowl while I'm driving. I'm doing a bunch of shit I got I'm doing seven things. That was really the problem, is I shouldn't have been doing that many things while. You had passengers. You could have delegated. No, I was by myself.

Oh. I was going to a buddy's house, I was crashing. Yeah, yeah, because everybody had just dispersed. Yeah. So I was gonna go to drink at my buddy's house where I was crashing, and then we were gonna smoke weed bubble but you know play video games nerd shit and so I get pulled over and a

And he was like, you know, he wanted me to breathe and everybody everybody I've ever talked to was like don't breathe Don't do the thing say no and he was like well if you don't if you don't take the breathalyzer I'm gonna have to take you in and I was like, okay. And so then he took me in and then I was like, officer, I'm not from here. I don't know what the fuck the deal is here. Every state's different. I traveled for a living. I have to talk to an attorney. You can't, I mean, you could easily take advantage of me.

And so, but then he put me in a room with a phone and a phone book. But thank God to all the other criminals in Minnesota or Minneapolis, they had ripped out all of the pages for the attorneys. So I was like, truly, yeah. So I was like, okay. I was like, dude, how am I supposed to, what do you want me to do? There's not 1-800 attorney, like that's not a thing here.

What are you, how am I, I was like, you gotta let me use my phone to at least look something. So then I get the guy to give me my phone back, and then I texted every comedian I knew in Minneapolis, and I was like, one of you has to be a fucking paralegal. One of you has to know an attorney or have been in a DUI situation before. And then, lo and behold, somebody was.

And then they were texting. They call me and whatever. So somebody gives my number. It all goes to the grapevine. The the paralegal comedian calls me and he keeps me on the phone for like two hours. And mind you, the cop that arrested me is seething because it's drunk. And now it's two o'clock in the morning. All the drunks are out.

And he's in here with me on a I don't know maybe maybe she's drunk i don't know there's no proof right because i passed the the whatever the sobriety test with the record but i refused to blow and that was the whole thing is he was going to take me in because i refused to blow i was like look i'm not going to blow in that uh because i don't know i don't know if that's calibrated right whatever i was trying to remember all the shit you're supposed to say I was like but I do have a little bit of marijuana in my car and I know it's legal here but take it I get it and he was like okay you know you're being really cool about this but I can't I'm gonna have to take you in because you're

not really freezing to blow and I was like fine so we go in I go in the thing with the thing I call everybody else so then the paralegal calls me I'm sorry just catching you up I forgot some details so paralegal calls me, I'm sorry, I was just catching you up. I forgot some details. So paralegal calls me, we're on the phone and he goes, just keep waiting. He's like, there's no disclosed amount of time that you have to make a decision on an attorney. They just have to give you ample time. So there's no actual amount of time.

So he's gonna get sassy with you. He's gonna give you shit. He's gonna tell you, you need to wrap it up. And every time he would, I was just go, okay, but I don't know. I'm trying to get ahold of somebody. I don't know anyone in this town. I don't know what the law is here. I don't know any. So I'm just keep, I keep constantly keep pushing back and he's like, fine. He's just getting mad because he knows legally he has to let me see counsel. And, um, so then by the time he's like uh he was like okay this is it this

is it like because now it's like around two and a half hours I've been sitting in there not knowing what to do yeah and so guys fucking pissed meanwhile they've like brought in like there's like a couple of carnies in there that reek you know what I mean you can't you could smell the meth on him you know what I mean? The kind of people that you can't, you can smell the meth on them, you know what I mean? Like, oh, that's what that smell is, right? And so then I finally goes, well, you're gonna have to blow or he's gonna take you to jail. So then I go, fine.

He goes, so if you think you're good now, blow now. And then you can get, that's the only way you can get out of this. He's like, the only issue is gonna be is they're gonna impound your car blah blah blah, so the shit I was like, okay, well fucking fine again I would rather have a three hundred dollar impound fee than a ten thousand dollar DUI So I was like fine

So then he finally gets fed up and he's like you have to be you have to blow now I have to we have to fucking I have to decide I've worked it. Blah. Blah. What it was giving me shit So I was like, all right fine fine. So I blow and it's point oh seven Two shots my ass I was truly saved by stand-up comedy that night because if I hadn't known I would I would have been so screwed I would have been so screwed So I guess you guys are close

Drunk yeah, I mean like when I mean you were drunk and you were really disorienting that cop So I don't really though. She knew her she knew her legal rights. Yeah, that's awesome That's a great story. You just prolong it. The cop almost committed battery. I fought the law and I won, motherfucker. Drunk and orderly. Drunk and very orderly.

Drunk and organized. All right, so the next question. What I actually got arrested for was for driving with a suspended license. I had like nine counts of driving with a suspended license I had like nine counts of driving with suspended license back in the day That's pretty metal you was like 22 and just didn't believe in paying tickets It was one of those things and every time I would get arrested or that get arrested but get pulled over I'd be like But you can't do that with nine counts of suspension on your license. Yeah. They're like, you know, you knew at some point, like you should know.

We had to know something. Yeah. I had that one time a headlight was out or like it was that or a tail light was out. And like a cop pulled me over and was like, you got to fix it. And a week later, he pulled me over again. And he's got to fix it. And then by the third time I was like, I didn't know it was always like, I pulled you over twice for this. How did you not know it was? Oh, I do that all the time. I didn't know you were in bridesmaids. That's good

Always a bridesmaid never a bride am I right guys, I still do that with my car When I get an oil change and I cuz like I have a shithole car You can hear from like two miles away. The exhaust is rusted through in two places It's not great. But every time I go get an oil change I know they're gonna give me like the whole spiel like hey, you need to fix this this and this and I tell them Hey, I'm doing the rounds today. I'm getting the oil change and I'm getting this fixed I'm getting this fixed don't even try and sell me on this and I've done it to five different places that do oil change I'm afraid to go back to the same place because they're gonna do that like dude

It's been a year and your exhaust is still dragging on the you're driving an hour out of the city just to hear I've gotten out of tickets because they're like, hey, you know your license is suspended or I had a tail light out. Your license suspended is not the same thing as having a broken down car, Michael. No, no. My license was expired, expired, and then I'm like, oh, I'm actually like, I'm going to go get my stickers right now. I just had them sent to my mom's house.

They're like, oh, okay. And then like a week later, like your tail light is out. I'm like, yeah, I'm actually going to go fix right now, Oh, okay. And then like a week later, like your tail light is on. Like, yeah, I'm actually going to go fix right now. Like, okay, let's make sure you're the one I've gotten out of a lot. I got a single one. I got another win for straight white males. Oh my gosh. Thank God. Thank God. Michael Koski's out of trouble. I've lost every single time I've met the law. Just everyone knows. So we 50-50 with straightaway males They think I'm cute. No one has been like, you know what?

So next question who would play you in a movie who would play you in a movie about your life Who would play me in a movie who would play you in a movie about your life who would play me in a movie about my life I also have an idea no no you guys go first. Should I go first? Yeah. Um, I said Peter Dinklage. First of all, fuck you. That's hilarious. Because I'm five foot. Huh? The funny thing is if Cusky stands up, he's still going to be in camera frame. That's right. Oh shit. I didn't know you were sitting. Okay. I said sir Ian McClellan. Oh okay. Why. Great actor bitter on the block. I was looks great in a wizard hat. I was going to go Sandy B. I love a good Sandra Bullock. Who. Oh yeah. Sandy B. Yeah. Yeah. Miss congeniality. Sure. Sure. The proposal. I think we're just a little off. Sandy B doesn't have magic. That's true. All right. That's a hot take. Holy shit. She's got magical legs.

I just need the blind side. Come on. She's got magic. All right. Who would play you in a movie? Um, well I appreciate your clever answers, but we're, we're talking about the film industry, which is hacky as fuck. So they'd probably hire Melissa McCarthy. I think we all know that they would fucking pick Melissa. Just because that is the hacky thing. say to me like I'm nothing like Melissa McCarthy at all I foul mouthed I am way meaner She's like such a delightful as far as comedic archetypes

We are very different, but everybody always says that because she's fat and funny, but yeah So that's probably what the the film industry would play who would you choose who'd you want me motherfucker I want the credit that's true is this after a weird death you guys know about that I don't know this is your biopic this is long after you've been here. Where are we on it? These three guys from Wisconsin. Made a movie. Yeah who would be alive if it's years later? You know what I'm saying?

They did spend a lot of time with it. They went through two free Zoom calls. We asked seven questions. Selena Gomez is now starring in it? Yes. Geriatric Selena Gomez now plays in the movie. question. Selena Gomez is no star. Yes. Geriatric Selena Gomez. What is your go to karaoke song. Oh man. Good luck boys. Yeah. Can you give us any hint? Are you like on the range of musically talented?

The way you say it is like you're doing a song with no words you just get up there and dance. Well the thing is before I did stand up I used to host karaoke because it was the closest thing I could get. Oh shit so she's good at doing it. Yeah so I used to host karaoke because it was the closest thing I could get. Oh shit, so she's good at karaoke. Yeah, so I used to, not that I'm necessarily good, but I've done it a lot. Before I did stand up, I used to go to karaoke a lot too, so much so they were like, we should pay you for this. Why don't you do this when I don't want to do it kind of thing. And so there's, I have, there's a range. That's what I mean is there's a range, but so you might, actually you might, you guys might be able to pick but yeah, I can sing somewhat It completely changes the choice because people that don't know how to sing and they choose the hard song

Yeah, because when they sing it in their car, it somehow sounds a little bit like it matches. It's because the volumes on 50 and they drown themselves out. Oh yeah. That's what I do. That's what I'm gonna do on the way home. Um, how long ago was this karaoke run of yours? Oh, we're talking to like fifth, 17 years ago, 18 years ago now. So it wasn't Moana. It wasn't Moana. I got my song. No, it definitely wasn't Moana. I bet you could sing the hell out of that, though.

I could. You're right. I'm not even going to write it down. I'm running out of space. Kuzky? I'm going corny because I'm just even gonna write it down. I'm running out of space. I'm going corny because Sure, there you go. I mean it's a pretty big range like I sing R&B, rock and roll. I used to be in a band before and then when I started traveling for stand-up, the band kind of fizzled out because I was never there anymore because I was always gone doing stand-up I went like weird with the genre. What did you go? Cuz I'm a country music guy

So I was like Shania Twain. I feel like he could belt like man. I feel like a woman Yes, that's a good one. Let me go in Would you go with I went with duel of the fates from Star Wars episode one Okay, I feel like I think you might be thinking you're interviewing you I just said what my favorite was and I hope you likes my favorite I can't sing it but I feel like you can hit the opera song Any like queen I thought Queen would be a good one I got I got girls girls want to have fun and barracuda Was a go-to that's a very good call sir, that's a very good call

Yeah, the one thing he gets a point now, we're all tied What is your go-to karaoke song my go-to karaoke song It was usually one of three none of what you guys mentioned but Star Wars isn't on there there that's a banger roughly enough yeah no you know actually was the diva song from the fifth element very close but no no i knew it was on track i knew it was on track oh um i actually i've done this so many i've done this so much this is so embarrassing i've done this so many, I've done this so much, this is so embarrassing.

I've done this so much that it would depend on the vibe of the karaoke bar. So like, there's, even now, there are types of karaoke bars, like some of them always have it, there's, and there's usually archetypes within them like there's always an old guy singing Frank Sinatra and there's always a guy going through a divorce singing Bon Jovi right and there's always a woman a woman with very bad tattoos and and showing to older like usually in her 50s showing too older, like usually in her 50s, showing too much skin, you know, lower back tattoo on display. Definitely a mother of six, right?

Who's singing like Def Leppard or something, some big hair band that made her, back in her Coke days before she was a mom. There's always all of those. And then there's always somebody that sings something really sad. There's always a person that sings something so goddamn sad that nobody wants to hear this, you know?

Like if you're gonna do a country song, don't do a fucking, you know what I'm saying? Don't do the Jelly Rolls ballad. You gotta sing something with some, it's a bar. Nobody wants to be sad. You're not gonna come to karaoke to cry together. You know, we came to karaoke to laugh at each other for being tone deaf.

That's the point of it. That's what karaoke means, goddammit. Anyways, so I usually I'll sing either a classic rock song, usually like either a barracuda type song. I love heart, so I did a lot of heart songs. Or Cold as Ice by Foreigner, super fun. Or if it needs more of a dance vibe, yeah, it's a great one. Also, but if it needs a more dance vibe,

then I'll go the other way. I'll do like Superstition from Stevie Wonder or something like that. Something that gets everybody pop bopping You know, you gotta get a little bop going because we're you know halfway liquored up You know I'm saying so we gotta think about the next phase of the evening So it's either that but yeah, I've done Bonnie Rae. I've done I've done the Sheryl Crow songs. I've done so you're not wrong They're just not my go-to. That's that's the problem

But I've done a lot of R&B stuff, like fun R&B shit. So it's hard to say. I bring my own book. I'm such an asshole. You would have had fun. Not really, not really. You guys looked at me like, Jesus Christ. No, I was kidding.

That'd be so cool. She's got her own sign-up. I thought it was just right next to the monkey's asshole. You'd be like, I bring my own book. Right here, actually. These are my karaoke songs. We had one of our biggest mics in Milwaukee for the longest time was at a karaoke bar. It was our Friday one that every comic would go to if you're not on a show and karaoke right afterwards. And you

hit most of the stereotypes there. Yeah. We were. Yeah, it was usually like a lot of bachelorette parties or college kids that think they're, a lot of the dudes who think they're gonna get laid and they definitely aren't, they're doing songs they definitely shouldn't be singing, they can't say half the words. Yep, all the rap songs. I used to do that, I used to do all,

like I would do like forgot about Dre or something like that, something that was like really lyrically hard And then people would be like whoa because everybody's too fucked up to remember the words Or 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one and then and then you'd be like I'm the bitch Switch it up, but then I also used to do, um, what was it? Oh, fuck. It was, uh, oh man. It doesn't matter. But to the Bachelorette parties, they're always singing the Journey songs. Yeah.

They're always singing that shit or or the Britney Spears songs. Yeah. And the boys were what else to do. The carry carry Underwood before he cheats one. And I'm like who hurt you. Who hurt that poor woman in that batch rep party. No one. No one hurt that woman. It was just a situation ship that was two weeks long. Or she's like I I know I can belt the hell of this out. Doug, my key into the side. You can really get into that. You can have a terrible voice.

No, still sound OK. Or the plot twist. She's the one that's fucking the guy that this lady is marrying. Oh, there's trouble upon the bridal body. I used to do the open mic at Art Bar. Do you guys still have the Art Bar mic? We used to. Now there's a show there every once in a while.

I'd probably say it's more quarterly than anything. But yeah, we used to have the, I mean, back in my day, we used to have it. But yeah, you guys are young. I'm the old one out of the group. my day we used to have it. But yeah, you guys are These guys are younger than I am so yeah, I've been I've been in the scene for a while So see them all but I haven't seen much. Let's that's a that's good into my last question then What is your favorite city to perform comedy in guys write it down her favorite city from county and all you have a lot of places like your same Milwaukee yeah this is

the right chips all over again we talked about I talked about this with you I don't think you spelled it right I did it just in cursive. Oh, OK. It doesn't matter. Nobody can read it. OK, three, two, one, Atlanta.

No, what? Oh, shit. Yay! You're both right. And I wrote Denver. And I wrote Denver. And I wrote Denver. And I wrote Denver.

And I wrote Denver. But yeah, obviously, you're on tour right now. Uh, uh, going to be going to a lot of different places. Do you want to plug where you're all going to be besides Milwaukee? The laughing tap, Milwaukee, August 9th and 10th, please come out one show Friday to Saturday, I believe, or two and two. Um, but I'm also going to be around the Midwest a lot. So if you guys are traveling

around the Midwest or maybe you're going to see a cousin in Madison, I'm going to be in Madison at the Comedy on State August 24, 25, 26. I'm going to be at the Comedy Cabin in Janesville, Wisconsin, October 25 and 26 run by a friend Nathan Clemens. We're all fans of that him. I'm also going to be in Minneapolis in st. Paul October 11 and no October 18 19 and in Rochester, Minnesota October 11 and 12 Carmen Morales comm for all of your Carmen Morales needs all the dates are listed there your little ticky links Buy some shit, you know watch my little vids There's little videos if you want to do some research and see if you like me or not

You know, I got a little special on HBO Max watch that just look for up for Carmen Morales and and that'll come up there, too I also got a little Comedy Central set if you guys want to watch that that in the YouTube's Carmen Morales Comedy Central come right up If you guys wanna watch that, put that in the YouTubes. Carmen Morales, Comedy Central, come right up. So check it out and see if I'm your vibe. And if I'm not, you definitely know a derelict that would enjoy me. Yeah. Thank you very much for doing this.

Thank you for reaching out. We are happy to have you back on whenever you'd like. We're gonna try. Catch your show this weekend. And please send me anything you would like linked anywhere. We'll throw it in and we're gonna promote the hell out of this and hopefully get a few sold out shows here at the Laughing Tap this weekend.

Yay! Wonderful, thank you guys so much for having me. This was great. I feel like we do know each other a little better. Yeah, yeah. We'll be writing that know each other a little better. Yeah. Well we will be writing that bio pick as soon as we hang up. I think we know. I get it. You're going to play me. I get it. Opening song Star Wars. I mean good luck getting the rights. I didn't know this was such a high budget production. I don't know, man, I feel like a woman might be good at Jack's playing herself.

Well, cheers. Thank you so much. Thank you very much, Carmen. Yeah, we love it. This is great. You're a riot. Oh my gosh, it's a blast. Comes here this weekend and every other weekend that she just mentioned.

Cool. And yeah, hopefully we will see you too. See you guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. We will see you too. See you guys. Bye!