Fat Chance Podcast - The Boys of Fall #3

Episode Date: September 28, 2023

WAS Judd a dad? Jack is still conjoined on this whole Siamese thing. Michael thinks Judd was around when nickels were an accepted currency. Get your Chewzie TODAY! https://www.thechewzie.com Check Out The Crew: Michael Cuske - @michaelcuske on everything Judd Reminger - @juddremingerscomedy7298 @juddreminger on all other socials Jack Cerasoli - @jackthedragon1 or @jack_c_comedy

It was just like nuts. And you could get $2, you got it from $2, and you wouldn't remember. You'd just black out, but your body would still be awake. It was unreal. He's talking like he used to get candy from Nichols. Yeah. I've never seen anything for a nickel, Grandpa. Fuck yourself.

Candy for a nickel? I remember people told me quarter beers oh my days like I used to go at 10 cents I walk out with a hundred pieces of candy probably like 2 30 away so I took my 3 wood and put it from like this far away from the hole that's my second shot for an eagle and my other friends saw that saw we hit the green they come sprinting down they grab the ball and chuck it into the woods we are pissed off i am i'm like what the well that's an

automatic eagle we're calling it. Don't worry about it. We're all driving towards them and they're running back to their carts. We get up there. What I didn't see is they grabbed a cart out of their or grabbed a ball out of their cart and ran with it in their hand. So when they reached down, it was their own ball they're chucking

into the woods. That's such a good joke. That's a good one. That's very well thought out too because it would have been so much easier to throw your ball oh yeah yeah yeah that's so funny all in all i think it went well i heard nothing but good things from people so i think everyone had fun yeah i think everyone had fun and Yeah, his realtor was at it. Yeah, I think everyone had fun, and everyone had a blast. You know who had the most fun? It was fucking Eric.

Eric, I think AJ was very close, but also AJ was drunk from the moment he got there. AJ calls me at 7.20. God, I wish I was there. And he goes, this is what he sounds like. He goes, hey, man, I'm sorry. I'm asleep. I got to get out of here. I'll be there at 7.55.

I was like, all right. And then Rich, I turn around. Rich is like, what's up, man? You got some Red Bull? Yeah, because Rich was the only server once. He showed up on time, obviously. And he had a show in Chicago. Yeah.

He did Don't Tell. He did Don't Tell in Chicago, which is awesome. He did great. Everyone, I have so many great roasts and so many top tier things that were said there. When the blonde, there was like a big blonde haired kid and there's kind of a smaller blonde haired kid in a car together. He goes, oh, it's Logan and Jake Paulsey. It's just so fucking funny.

And the first thing AJ said, it was so silly and so dumb, but it set the tone for the entire event. The guy gets on the tee. He goes, where's your other glove? It's so stupid. It's so stupid. It's so stupid, but it's funny. But it's so funny.

We backed off one guy, but he still hit it. And then one guy was with all his parents. He's like six feet. His dad, his grandpa were all on a team with him. And he looked like the ringer. And then his grandpa gets on the tee first. And the cart girl drives by and like, do you guys need anything?

And they're like, no, and drives away. And then I go, yeah, you guys look like you remember when it was like when women weren't allowed on the course. And then Eric goes, me neither. Eric lost it when the only black guy that was there showed up too. He goes, finally, motherfucker. And he made everyone be quiet. Everyone be quiet.

Come on. If he's not good at golf, he's good at another thing. Don't cross the middle on this guy. My favorite part about that, though, too, is, well, not about that one, but I found them in the back nine, and they came up as I'm taking pictures of someone. I turn around and I go, whose idea was it

in this group to dress as tiger woods the only black only black yeah he goes you better watch your nah it was great yeah everyone was a good sport about the heckle hole well you also had guys that like weren't like going for blood i feel like there's no one that's saying anything yeah i think i also think think your brother would have been more of a problem if he was better at golf. Yeah. Because he's not good at golf, so he doesn't give a shit.

No. Which one? Both of them? No, the SoundCloud rapper. Andrew, okay. He looks like Mac Miller doesn't have a job. That's what he looks like. Well, he doesn't have a job either because he's dead. Well, not Andrew. Andrew's like, he had fun with that one.

Steven, they kept saying Steven was like, he's a mixed child. He does not look like you guys. He's like super tan. And he apparently, he gets up and just goes to the T, tees off, goes back to the car, doesn't say a single word, doesn't look at him. He had sunglasses on. He had a backwards hat and just goes, hits, gets back in the cart. That's all he did.

I'm not doing this. He's like, the most ammo was on those guys because they're family members. We didn't know that that was. We were too busy because they had matching Clarks whatever. And Clarks is black and had like an orange box or green box up here. So they looked like they were BP gas station clerks. And we were just murdering their outfits. And his brother just runs to the teeth, tees off, and runs back and does not say anything.

You know what's messed up about that is I asked him, I was like, hey, can you design the shirts for this? And he's like, nah, that's too much work. I don't have enough time. Guess who designed the custom polos for his golf team? He did. And you made fun of him. Oh, yeah. He's like, I had a logo already.

I go, that's our logo. Yeah. Your dad was a good sport. Your dad was fun. Yeah. And he's like, I could have picked him out of a lineup real fast. He almost ran him over. fun. Yeah. He was like, I could have picked him out of a lineup real fast. He almost ran him over. Yeah.

Yeah. Eric was about to ready to do some up downs with his coach uniform that he basically had on. Coach Kuski. Yeah. It was fun. We had a great time. I don't know.

We did it. They made $1 million. We did it. But. Donated $1,000. But we do have to know. The one burning question is, what did Jack get for Christmas? Toolbox.

I got my toolbox. I asked him yesterday at flag football, and I was like, oh, damn. Should we talk about that? How you guys played flag football yesterday and are injured now? You play Little League baseball still. Let's not get too offensive with it. Play football. It was three on the line, three linemen.

It was chippy. Also, how stupid are those refs? Those refs are all stupid. They should not be there. And the team that we played against was literally, if it was kicking and screaming, they were the Gladiators, we were the Tigers. We were wearing blue, they were wearing black.

We were white, they were black. And all of them. They had one white guy, maybe. I'm not sure. No, he was just ethnically ambiguous. He was like my little brother. And their whole team, they had a full team. They had defensive and offensive positions and we had eight people i got there early and they were running plays they're like they had an offense

playing against the defense people on the side before we kicked off they're like hey make sure if we punt we use this ball it's a little softer it goes farther and we're like matching unis hey uh jack this is the rest of the team i know you three have never played here before. Who wants to play quarterback? Oh, let's put the littlest guy on the line. This is going to go well. Left tackle, Cuskies, right tackle. You're doing a lot of pulling? No pulling.

I did a lot of push, push. Throw me the fucking ball, please. And the best part is they were calling plays. They basically were running hurry up offense. They were not going into huddle. They were just saying words to each other. And we're getting into the huddledle and the guy that's playing court was like uh slants someone doing out and then i want it close and everyone's like it was like very poor

play calling did you ever notice that most of the time i was already out of the huddle before he finished i'm like i'm not doing anything i'm just gonna go yeah the only thing i need to know is if you're going on two or not yeah and every time honestly Kuski and I were 100% shooting 100% on the play calls that we came to the huddle with yeah like do this this is very easily open and obvious I don't know why you haven't done this play yet touchdown touchdown touchdown first down and the other play that we called the only one that did not work was because the quarterback slipped and just – it was like, hey, just so you know, they're all like letting up.

You can run super fast. You can go to the end zone with this run. It was – And he just dove. It was fourth down. We had like 30 seconds left, a yard to go. And the Red Sea just parted. And we're like, we got a touchdown.

And he took one step and Superman dove and just put the ball right back on the line of scrimmage. He slipped. And we're just like, well, okay. I was like, fuck. And everyone was chirpy. And I don't know. I don't understand why people take flag football.

Well, that was the A-League. But I don't know why they're taking it so seriously. Literally, everyone was talking shit. But I wasn't talking shit. The guys that was the A-League. But I don't know why they're taking it so seriously. Like, literally, everyone was talking shit. But, like, I wasn't talking shit. Like, the guys that I was going up against, like, I was, like, having, like, little giggle fest with them. Like, I was just, like, talking shit. Like, I got a piece of a bed.

Don't hit me in the stomach. Please just play. I got a piece of a bed. And, like, I'm having a good time with them. And, like, we're, like, just, like, talking shit. I like talking to the other team. Yeah. And, like, all of a sudden, just something happens.

Everyone's, like, are we good? Are we good? I was, like, what the fuck? This is a Wednesday night flag football game, and if we get into a physical altercation with 22 guys all wearing matching uniforms, we're going to die. The ref. That one ref was racist.

So racist. He was so racist. I was like, oh, my God, I don't even want to talk to you anymore. I can't even look at you. I stopped. I was like, dude, get away. Because there was a collision in the end zone where I was like, one of our guys is concussed. And he's like, yeah, just let him get up.

I'm like, he actually might be. Can we worry about this guy? And then he gets up, he goes, and he goes, dude, I'm glad nothing happened because there's like 11 black guys really mad at me right now, and I wouldn't know what to do. I look at Jack, I go, get the fuck away from this guy now. I line up immediately. There's no ball down.

I'm just like, hey, guys, you're my best friends. You guys all know. It was ridiculous. He's like, hey, just just so you guys know make sure these rubs look clean because like the the routes are like rubbing off the cornerbacks and said make sure these look clean and i won't call anything and i was like dude after what you just said and then following it up with that does not make me feel like a good person and he goes i need to get paid triple for this i'm like i'm surprised you're getting paid at all. Sir, you didn't know if the ball was dead during a punt.

What do you mean? I had a ref. He goes, so he looks at me and goes, so do I blow it dead if the ball hits the ground and you don't catch it? I go, are you asking me that? You're the one with stripes. He's like, yeah. Like, do you know if that's the rule or not? I go, I think you need to learn that now.

Also, just finding out you're here. He's the one old guy that was just sitting in the corner. He had a leg brace on. He could not keep up with running or anything that was happening. He was so far behind. We would have 10 seconds to call or play him, another 10 seconds to play Clark. And we would go up, and he would still be catching up to the line because he had a leg brace on.

He must have had surgery or something. And he was taking so long. I was just looking. I was like, this guy is not supposed to be here. He shouldn't be here. And it was in the dark side of the field, so you couldn't even see him. Yeah. It's funny.

Did you have fun? It was fun. It was fun. I did get beat up, though. We lost. Yeah. I got that. I definitely got that.

It was a close game. We lost 7-6 because they had an extra point return you know that pick that they got if he would have just thrown it right back in the same spot

we saw that touchdown would have gotten it it was wide open and he looked at me and then looked away and chucked it to the back corner of the end zone

I was like you can't throw fades you've never played quarterback before I was like do a quick I'm right here afterwards I'm like I don't't throw fades. You've never played quarterback before. I want to try. I was like, do a quick. I'm right here. Afterwards, I'm like, I don't even know who we're playing with.

Like, I know no one on that team. I knew you the best on that team, and you started yesterday. It was insane. So, like, I don't argue. I'm like, you know what? Go ahead. Play receiver. The guy said the one receiver who last played the game blew out his shoulder.

His reconstructed shoulder. Yeah. I don't know your name, but he's like, yeah, I landed that wrong. It popped out. I had to, like, wiggle it back in. He couldn't lift it up. Like, why is he playing – why is he – let him snap the ball. Yeah.

Well, those linemen. I mean, the nose tackle was coming in pretty quick. But other than that. But my knee, like, one of knee one of the first couple plays when it was a quick short pass I was blocked and I was like cut behind me, cut behind me he looked at me and ran right into my knee

and I had an old knee injury and as soon as it happened I go fuck I could barely get down on my knees you had to get your Don Joy on well I had my Don Joy ankle braces on he had some hefty ones yeah the Don Metal they were intense I was like damn it I can't do this Well, I had my Don Joy ankle braces on. He had some glass ankles. He had some hefty ones, like metal. Yeah, they were intense.

And so I was like, damn it, I can't do this. So I went and got home, and I'm just covered in sweat and sadness. I thought it was lotion, a beer, and a tub. I go, you're about to have a night, aren't you? I got out of the bathtub, and bathtubs are so small, and I couldn't extend my legs in it. And I was hoping I'd be able to get it in the hot water. I couldn't.

So I was just sitting there so sad. And my little wiener was like. Just like a beezer. My little wiener was bobbing in the water. Just like floating like a buoy. Yeah. It was just sitting there mocking me. Just calling me a loser.

And I was like. It's also been in compression shorts all night. So it's not looking great. It was so ridiculous. Still stuck? And then I got in bed. I was like, I couldn't bend my leg. And I couldn't fall asleep.

I was up until like 2 o'clock in the morning, just freezing and microwaving heat and ice pads so I couldn't feel my leg. Jesus. I was like, this was not worth it. My groin was sore after the first game. And after that, I was like, I'm good. You got a couple other battles. You got one on my calf and my shoulder.

Well, this is a good segue into how we did last week for football. I don't think we did well. I know I didn't do well. I think I did pretty good. Jack, what do you think you did? I won out of us three. Okay. Kuski, how do you think you did?

I'm going 8-8. 16. 8-8. You going 8-8? 12-6. 12-6? In first place. 12-6.

With a record of 9-7. Yeah, he can't count. That's 18, by the way. I round up. With a record of 9-7. Jackie Bucks. Kuski. Fuck. And also Jack. Kuski. Fuck.

And also Jack. Hey! You guys tie up. Oh, I ended up 6-10. Not great when I picked the Vikings to win. When I knew they were losing at the time. I thought about bringing the TV in here for today to watch the Thursday night game. But I remember watching it back this week because I was editing.

I was like, actually, I think I might know I beat Judd. Yeah, you definitely beat me. I was way off on a lot of these. I picked a lot of upsets. Every time you said something, I was like, I think he's going for the underdogs here. The app I'm looking at is also the

lines and tells me the over-unders. So, let's go with this week. All right, let's do this. I got to pull it up. All right. First game, the Giants are at San Francisco. San Francisco.

All right. Tennessee at Cleveland. Wait, I got to say San Francisco. Tennessee at Cleveland. Cleveland. Tennessee. I got to say San Francisco. Tennessee at Cleveland. Cleveland. Tennessee. I got Cleveland as well. Atlanta at Detroit.

Detroit. Detroit. Atlanta. You think he'd learn. No. New Orleans at Green Bay. Green Bay. I think this is the toughest game. I'm going to say Green Bay Green Bay I think this is the toughest game

I'm gonna say Green Bay I think they come back with a little more fire up their ass after last week I'm gonna do New Orleans God he's so dumb I gotta win

I gotta make up some ground He's so dumb Denver at Miami Miami Miami Chargers at Minnesota Chargers Chargers

I got Minnesota. New England at the Jets. New England. Jets. New England as well. Buffalo at Washington. Buffalo. Buffalo.

I'll do Buffalo as well. Houston at Jacksonville. Jacksonville. You gave me the J's. Also Jacksonville. Indianapolis at Baltimore. Houston at Jacksonville. Jacksonville. You're going to be the Jags. Also Jacksonville. Indianapolis at Baltimore. Baltimore. Hold on.

Are you looking at pictures again? I've got to see it visually. I've got to look at the logos. Indianapolis at Baltimore. Baltimore. Is Richardson playing? No. Baltimore.

Baltimore. Carolina at Seattle. Seattle. Seattle. Seattle as well Seattle Chicago at Kansas City Kansas City Dallas at Arizona Dallas Did you hear about the Chicago coach? Oh yeah we'll talk about that

We have to talk about Arizona Dallas Pittsburgh at Las Vegas Vegas I'm going to go Pittsburgh Philly at Tampa Philly

Rams at Cincinnati Cincinnati Give me Rams It depends if Burroughs is playing or not I don't think it will be I'm going to go Cincinnati I'm going to go Rams is playing or not. I don't think it will be. I'm going to go Cincinnati. I'm going to go Rams.

All right. Oh, shit. I've got a lot in common with Judd this week. That's not a good thing. But I have to make up some ground, so that's good. Do you guys want to play

the game or what? Well, first of all, this defensive coordinator gets his house raided by the FBI. It was child porn. That's what they say. It was supposed to be.

It's got to be. Really? Yeah, they're not saying what it was. If it was drugs, they'd say it was drugs, but it was definitely child porn. That's what they say. It was supposed to be. It's gotta be. Really? Yeah, they're not saying what it was. If it was drugs, they'd say it was drugs, but it was definitely child porn. That's, I mean, yeah.

And he resigned because of his health and his family? What? Yeah. What does that mean? He has a lot of children and a child.

He did. It's either your health or your family. Maybe his family's health isn't great because of all the child porn. No, he said his health and his family. Well, it might be.

Maybe his health is so bad that his family is worried about him. And because of that, he's turning his back on his watching child porn. Dude, Urban Meyer. I just saw a post. Yeah, that's the guy we bring in to replace him. It'd be so good. I just saw a post about how Michigan State should hire him. I thought that'd be pretty fucking funny.

Also, what's in Judd's choosy tonight? Oh, you are just coming with games. Can you shake it? Oh, it's Twitter, though. It's wrapped. It's wrapped. Shake it again. Cowtails, the short ones.

Cowtails? Okay. That's not right. I don't think anyone's had cowtails in the last 40 years. Cowtails are so damn good. If you don't bring them next week, I'll be pissed. I'll bring cowtails. Mama Kuski.

Mama Kuski. I don't know if you remember the last episode, but I said PlayStation 5s and cowtails. It is a Jack's list. You have 4,000 cow tails. The mini licorice. Ooh, that's a good one. I went with a fall theme. Oh, that's such a good one.

The pumpkin cookies. Those are the pumpkin cookies. Those are the best cookies ever. I can only fit two in here. I mean, I didn't want to smush them at the top. Yeah, if you bit most of one and ate it, there's a bunch of bits. You could squeeze another crescent

in there. That's good. Congratulations. Did you make those? What do you mean? That's why he was late. That's why he was late make those? What do you mean? Why are you acting surprised? That's why he was late That's why he was late I wasn't late Are they still warm?

No I didn't make them today Those are the best cookies though That's a good call What are we going to do next week When there's nothing in here? This is going to be the last things I have in this apartment

Well is this going to still be in here? I just said this would be the last. We have to carry it out of here when we go. Bring your chairs home with you. With the cameras rolling, we're all going to carry a chair out. The last scene is you pulling the drape on the thing. We should do that. Also, Diego has a promo for us he wants to do

to attract some more of our feet listeners, which I don't really know if we need to add any more. Honestly, guys, there was not many hashtag no Judds, but there was one of my burner accounts that said Judds back. Which is fine. Was that actually you? No. The Judds back?

I know you did put the only no Judd Yeah, you did Because I thought it would start Yeah, I did too No, they were just very mad at Jack Dash on your feed That's the only thing they cared about They didn't give two shits about the no Judd They loved my dirties, but the ones that yours weren't showing

Yeah, they thought you had the best socks of the year Yeah And you didn't show them, which was a little tease A little tease. Tune in next week and I'll wear them again. They're on our Patreon that I keep saying

we're going to start, but I can't. Buy the socks. Oh, actually, this is, hold on, this is early enough in that I'm talking

to the feet people here. My girlfriend made me a bet that if you guys buy my socks and my socks only for $150. You'll do Anna? Shh. You'll do Anna? I'll do Anna. Yeah.

She will pay for dinner for a month. She doesn't live here. But she'll send me the money. Oh, okay. That's good to hear. Okay. So $150 and I get dinner for a month. Those are dry fit.

They are dry fit. You could wear them at your next Flake Football game. You could. These at one point were game worn. Don't know what game. I've had these socks for a while. All right, carry on. You heard him.

I've owned these ones for quite a long time. He's at least three to five years. You heard him. You guys ready for the game or what? Oh my gosh. Clipboard. We're cooking with grease today, boys. Do you remember the game

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Fuck. God damn it. Pumpkin pie. That's what I was thinking I Damn it I hate these people

Do you like my caption today Or the description for the video The very end it's cut off I go I think Judd's getting dumber by the episode Oh should we talk about Siamese twins Yeah Yes Siamese twins? Yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

Siamese are cats. I am so upset. Because they're conjoined cats. It's a real... They're glued together like Elmer's. So what the thing is... You get the Elmer's glue and you do this and it comes apart. Except you can't pull these babies apart.

You can't. No, it's not like Elmer's glue. How long do you think we can do this for? He gets just fucking filled with rage. No no i'm filled with rage because i know what you read i know that it says siamese twins but it's a real kleenex situation okay just like bubbler just like so so it's it's named siamese is the first set of twins that were conjoined and they got famous for it, and that's the reason it's called Siamese twins.

Their names were Siamese? Their last name. Sia and Mies. Sia and Mies. And so they're like, that's just rude to combine them to call them Siamese. So they're actually conjoined twins. They just conjoined their names.

It's a real Kleenex situation going on there. And apparently it's inappropriate to call them Siamese twins now. Yeah, it definitely is. It's like saying midget. Oh. Midget, midget, midget. Midget, midget, midget, midget. Siamese.

Midget, Siamese. Can you imagine there's a midget Siamese? That would be the funniest thing to get canceled for. Saying midget. It's going to end on my boss's desk on Monday.

Hey. Jack, can you come in here? Did you say midget, midget, midget, and then Siamese? On a podcast? No. Let me blow your mind. Siamese midgets. That is dangerous.

That's like a two for one in like an egg you crack. That's actually a one for one if you count the height. Imagine like two chicken nuggets combined. One for one. One full human. They're just attached at the hip. It is, yeah. Cut him in half.

Conjoined midgets is just a wide human. Wide, one full human. Yeah. It's like a human the long way on the X-axis. Axis. I already know you guys are going to be terrible at this game. No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't know any of that.

You didn't know Siamese. Did you bring versions? Like, can we do, are you smarter than a kindergartner? So they had a few different ones. When I was looking for questions, they had a few. And, like, they wanted to build you up. You start at first grade and then work up to fifth. And I was like, no, let's just go to fifth.

I swear to God, that's blue. I swear. One quick thing that's insane is that they had Jeff Foxworthy run that show. Isn't that hilarious? Yeah. Well, he didn't know the answers. No, that's what's so funny. Just Jeff Foxworthy

went, are you smarter than a fifth grader? You might be a fifth grader. It's so stupid. You could have chosen actually a lot of other great hosts.

Also, were those not the most intelligent fifth graders you've ever seen? Because those questions you... A couple of them had to have been

Siamese. I remember. I thought they were feeding the kids the questions. Oh, absolutely. They gave them like some note cards,

practice tests. That or they found all the TISM kids and were like, all right, let's put them on the questions. Oh, absolutely. They gave them some note cards, practice tests. That or they found all the tism kids and were like, all right, let's put them on the show. Siamese and tism kids together. Midget Siamese tisms. That's a superhero. That's a jackpot for government funding. That's. All right.

Okay. All right. Are there any hot Siamese twins? You have 20 questions. What if one's hot, one's not? Now, you must buzz in. You have to say buzz. Okay.

And then I'm going to say you. So you're going against one another. Okay? Pumpkin pie. Shit. So don't just shout out the answer. Say buzz. Then you get the answer.

Can I go? Sure. Okay. All right. buzz, then you get to answer. Can I go? Sure. Okay.

All right. What are the large rocks that orbit the sun between Mars and Jupiter called? Kuski. Asteroids? That is correct. Between Mars and Jupiter? There's so many more asteroids. That's such a specific thing. Are you stupider than a fifth grader?

The one that wrote that question is an idiot. I bet I was a sixth grader. Who invented the light bulb? Einstein. Incorrect. Edison. Thomas Edison. Tesla.

My mom. Tesla. Elon Musk. What is the longest river in the United States? Jack. Mississippi. Incorrect. Fuck you.

Pick up where I left off, Buster. The longest what? River in the United States. Not a clue. It's the missouri riffer yeah because everyone heard about that never heard of it doesn't count uh what is the clinical name for the thigh bone femur that's correct son of a tit two tits who painted the painted the Mona Lisa? Da Vinci. That is correct. He's closer. That's why you can hear him. He's also saying ant first.

I'm saying at the same time he's just closer. You're actually hitting your knee like that counts. You think this is the buzzer? How many questions do we have? 20. We're tied 2 two two out of five uh main borders what state vermont incorrect new hampshire that is correct what the fuck stop acting like it's wrong

you act like you that question's wrong it's wrong you said the word asteroids like that question's wrong. It's wrong. You said the word asteroids. You're like, that's wrong. I thought asteroids. I go, well, they're not just in between those two planets. They're everywhere. I was just confident enough to say it. Fuck you. All right.

How many inches are in two yards? Kuski. 72. That is correct. Good thing I didn't answer that. All right. The ancient Egyptian empire was based on what continent? Africa.

That is correct. It takes me a while to process these words. How many sides does a hexagon have? Jack. Six. That's correct. What was the most widely grown crop in the Middle Colonies? Cusky.

Tobacco. Incorrect. Corn. Incorrect. Incorrect. Wait, we can't guess twice? No, why would it be? What is it?

The answer is wheat. That's what my second question was. Yeah, if we had 7,000 questions, yeah, you would have got it. Fuck yourself. You don't get it. Who's the author of the 1960 novel about social and racial inequality? No, I don't have an idea. No idea.

Go ahead. Can you finish the question? Well, no, you already buzzed in. You got to give an answer. Social and racial inequality? Yeah. And then I was going to say the title of it. Ernest Hemingway. Incorway incorrect but jack's up sucks to suck um i wonder what the question is i don't think huh pass pass okay uh Do you want me to finish the question? Yeah. Called to kill a mockingbird.

Jack. Something Harper, right? Harper Lee. That's correct. Harper Lee. That was good. I was surprised about that one. The Statue of Liberty was a gift to the U.S.

France. Cusky. France. I have to call on you, by the way. You sound like my teachers. What river forms... You raised your hand, really? No. What?

I said it sounded like my teacher, right? You have to call on me, dickhead. What river forms the border of Indiana and Kentucky? This is hippie. Incorrect. Probably Indiana or Kentucky is probably the same. Kentucky. Incorrect. be incorrect probably indiana or kentucky it's probably the same thing kentucky incorrect the ohio river what the fuck what river borders california and new mexico the main river The Maine River. That's so stupid. Which also borders New Hampshire. What blood type is known as a universal recipient?

Double O or O. You didn't? Okay. O positive. Jack? Incorrect. O negative. Kosti, incorrect.

You didn't listen to the... Okay, go ahead. Sorry, my bad. What blood type is known as universal receiver? A. Koski. A. Negative.

Incorrect. A positive. Incorrect. Double A. A, B. A, B. Yeah, because it's both. Were we stupid?

Honestly. Are we stupider? Why do we have A, B, and O? Why can't it just be A, B, and C? Really stupid. We're not that dumb. The bassoon is a member of what musical group? Brass. Incorrect.

I know what it is now. Strings. Incorrect. It's wind. Woodwind would be correct. I didn't even know that was a category. You clearly don't know your way around a piccolo. How many faces are there on the side of a cube?

Jack. Six. That is correct. Good for you. Thank you. A football field is 100 yards long. How many is that in feet? 300.

Cusky. Fuck you. 300? Are you serious? Cusky definitely got that. That's bullshit. Run the tape back. It's like Jack yesterday goes, guys, I definitely jumped off the line, but let it go so we get

the yard. Yeah, no, everyone's like arguing. It's like, no, no, no. They totally jumped. I go, no, I'm the one that jumped. Everyone get back to the fucking huddle. All right? They're calling on their team.

Who commissioned the Lewis and Clarks expedition? Jack. Jefferson. That is fucking correct. Wow. Thomas Jefferson. Part of me thought you were going to say Sacagawea. I was going to say that, but I'm going for points. I'm going for points, so that's why I didn't say Sacagawea.

Which country is closer to Asia, Canada or the U.S.? Canada. Incorrect. Fuck. I'm going to go with the U.S. That is correct. Canada is closer to Russia. Yes, it is.

You fucking idiot. We have Alaska. What's the score? Yeah. I forgot. I forgot we just added on Alaska. We just stole that from Canada. Also, Hawaii.

Alaska is the stepchild of the States. Hawaii is like the mistress. What is the name of the three dot punctuation? Ellipses. That is correct. I'm going to be honest. I keep forgetting to say. I'm really good at that.

That was the only thing he says right away. The question's not even done. He's ready to say, eh, so he can have some time to think. Is there a time limit if we don't answer in time? Until you finish the theme song. What's our theme song? Whatever. Judd, go.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I like that one. Thank you. That was original. That was an original. Are we done? Oh, Jack's got me by a long shot. I don't know.

You got me by a long shot. There's a 50-50 one that I think put you over. It's 8-6. It's 8-6. In First place Mr. Jacksons With 8 I am the champion

My consolation prize Siamese snakes everyone One sweet one sour The bad part is they can't see that championship belt. That's stupid. That was a good game. I liked that one. Yeah, I did like that.

I like that you're bringing on a competitive edge. You know what? For the final episode in the apartment, we have to wrestle. Shirtless, oiled up. Yeah, as soon as Kuski can get on the show, we're just running for him. In here. Socks. Catch him.

He's so slippery. Do we leave our socks on? No. No, just socks. What else you got over there? Take me some. Dude, they changed Scooby. The color of Scooby in the Scooby Snack? Yeah

Used to be a milky blue milky blue. Yeah, like a matte blue. Mm-hmm It's like the rest of them now and the blue was the best one was the best one It was honestly just based off color. It's always based off color So good. Well, now that we got that game out of the way, what are you talking about? The fact that you haven't turned this to an M is

apostrous. For what? Apostrous. Michael? It's a little, you know, narcissistic. It's W for Wumbo.

I Wumbo, you Wumbo, he, she, it, they, trees, whatever, Wumbo. I Wombo. You Wombo. He, she, it, they. Trees, whatever. Wombo. Zem. Zem. Zine.

Zon. So, where are you moving? Do we know yet? No. Well, right now, I'm packing up. I have a feeling he's just not going to move. What about you? Do you think he's going to live here forever and just tell us that he moved out?

Yeah. Off the record, though, might be working downtown. That would have been nicer. Wait, should that not be on the record? Do you think Kuski cuts these? No, he's not going to, but this can't be in a clip.

I have to look into it more, but I might be working downtown. Do you need to rent an apartment? I do not. It's a nice place, though. It is a nice place. You and the Veve could live here? We certainly could.

The only thing is the Veve loves the dogs. I would never have a pet in this building. There's just no grass or anything to take them out. That little whatever over there is just littered with shit. Like, the fact there's even grass left, I'm amazed.

They should put a doggy bag thing right there. There is one outside, but it's always empty. People don't know the bag dispenser is? Yeah. No one fills those. I think they're full. It's like the gumball thing it's full once and then never again we have like a bunch at our apartment they're always full they're always

refilling them which is great but well because you probably have like a homeowner's association we do yeah but oh and the mini chews whoa only the top is going to keep warm yeah it's what's cold excuse me that's where you drink it off it's true once you get past it's like a filtration Whoa. Only the top is going to keep warm. Yeah. It's cold. Excuse me. That's where you drink it off. It's true. Once you get past this. It's like a filtration system. Then you flip it.

The choosy guy sent me a message, and he said that he tried Rogues for the first time, and he didn't like them. So I have a message to the choosy guy. Yeah, talking to the camera. What do you want to say to the choosy guy? Sir, I know you made a wonderful product that allows me to have my sneaky snus, but the fact that you cannot handle the kind of stinging taste

and feeling you get in your lips when you have a rogue and the better flavor and deliciousness that you could possibly experience and you'd go to a zen over that, I'm just mumbling right now, but I am smarter than a fifth grader. So you know what, choosy? I'm going to cheers you for a great product but i'm gonna take my cheers back because you like the manhood to sustain uh physical uncomfortability and uh adversity quick uh let's uh revisit that did you understand a word he just threw words and was like that

but you know what absolutely smarter than a makes sense. But you know what? Absolutely smarter than a fifth grader because you know what? Dogs eat computers sometimes, and I go pee-pee. But you know what? Fuck you. That's what I heard. It was a stream of consciousness for, like, illiterates. It was just, like, not an actual sentence.

Were you pulled out of class when you were younger and you were like, this is for the special one? There was no subject in that sentence, but a of nouns yeah dude when you at when you finish a statement with adversity can't argue with it you know what i mean a e i o and u and sometimes we don't understand what you say most of the time most people don't but that's the whole point of this man ridiculous crazy world we call showbiz you know what i mean yeah would we consider this showbiz are we in the three guys just also is that a new hat it's cusky it is a new hat yeah how do we feel about it i love it it reminds me of the anaheim ducks i was gonna say the charlotte hornets yep dude after san jose sharks or the dixieups with the blue and purple. You know what I'm talking about?

Oh, yeah. I almost bought an Anaheim Ducks shirt today. It's so sick. I'll show you after this. I bought two new hats on a whim. I like this company. Yeah, it's hard for me to find a hat. What company is it?

Show them up. Oh, boy. Yeah, check the label. Oh, yeah. Whiskey Bent Hat Company. Whiskey Bent Hat Company from Brownsboro, Texas, where you might move. Yeah. Well, not Brownsboro, but...

Boy, they got great hats over there. No, I really like these. A lot of times, I've bought a few hats online, and then you get them, and they're just massive. I don't have the biggest head where... The guys that can wear a hat basically like you where it's like four notches back because your noggin is so big but hollow hollow you lost me buddy

you got eight questions out of twenty right you got six out of twenty you buzzed into twenty questions you gotta give yourself a fighting spider chance otherwise you're just sitting there come on guys You got to buzz in. You got to buzz in. You got to give yourself a fighting spider's chance. Otherwise, you're just sitting there. Have you guys found that office episode where Aaron just buzzes in?

Come on, guys. I did my part. The thing is, I buzzed 50% of the time, and I won 40% of the time. You know what I mean? True. Yeah, I can't. Hats don't look great on me. I don't know what it is.

I don't look good in hats. There are certain hats that I can feel look great on me. I don't know what it is. I only look great. I only look good in hats. There are certain hats that I can feel look decent on me. I like the low crown, like the giant crown where you could fit like a fist right here. I hate that. And one of them that came in is a little big. Just throw it in the wash. I could never wear that. I could never look good in that.

There was a dude at the golf holding. He had this hat, and it looked like he didn't have it on. Was it just like this? Yeah, just like that. And AJ goes, what are you hiding under there? Hard-boiled eggs?

Yeah. I hate this. Or the guys that do this. I do like doing that when my head gets a little sweaty though. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're doing it forward.

You're doing it forward. This right here is other tuggers is terrible yeah i love that hat that's what is it other tuggers oh i like that it's a good one i like just like a unique hat it's nothing like too flashy like the colors are the flashy part about this but it's not it's nothing insane i like i like the logo on there those i like them simple black i think everyone liked your t-shirts at the golf outing. Yeah, people were asking for other ones. I got compliments on my t-shirt.

I wore it to Christmas. Did you really? In solidarity for the boys. Did you have to give presents for Christmas, too? Yeah, but my mom doesn't. He gave 50 candles. No, he did not give 50 candles. We gave a candle, a couple pictures of my fiance and our dogs.

Pictures of her? Yeah, and myself and the dogs. We did some family photos because one of our old neighbors is starting a photography business. And I was like, hey, can we take photos of you guys? He made fun of me for them.

And so we framed those. We're giving them to my mom. I'll show you them. Gave her a couple board games. Just stuff that we can play while we're there. Now, did you win the board game? Are you competitive with those? Oh, yeah, I murdered.

I murdered. It was Disney trivia and incoherent. Okay. there now did you win the board game are you competitive i murdered i murdered it was it was disney trivia and incoherent okay so disney trivia i'll murder that incoherent and better than everyone in the entire world what is incoherent it's like word it's like you have to guess the what you're saying through like they just spell things weird like it's like um buttered nipples like so that's like the word you're supposed to say but it goes like buttered nipples. So that's like the word you're supposed to say, but it goes like B-U-H-T-T-E. So it's just like the scrambled letters.

No, but not scrambled letters. It's just like sounding it out. And like the faster and louder you say it, you eventually get it. Oh, like if there's like a cat and a dog and something else, you're like cat dog TV. Oh, the television show kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like,

it says a sentence rather than like, you get like words and you have to associate it with something. It's like words and you have to get like, the phrase.

Um, and like, the basic, the whole name of the game is to say it really loud and fast. And as you can tell from my, You can definitely get that down. Yeah, I got that.

If there was a button, I would have murdered you. Yeah, well you got quick hands. I saw you there on the line. My favorite thing was during the game Kuski keeps going BUNS! He'd just slap his leg and then say it.

You know what? You win some, you lose some. I lost this one. Are you competitive in board games? I'm going to be honest Are you competitive in board games? Or do you like... I'm going to be honest with you. I hate board games. I don't hate them. They're too slow and monotonous for me.

Like, I'd rather do, like, a catchphrase game where, like, the energy's higher, there's a time limit. My favorite, like, board games growing up, Candyland where the are the two best board games of all time um but i mean i've never finished game of monopoly in my life takes too long because eventually like everyone's excited to play and then you get like an hour in you're like is this fucking over yet yeah and it's boring i. I like higher energy. It's hard for me to be like, if I want a quiet night, I want to be alone. I don't want a quiet night and then 19 people in my apartment being like, oh, my God, 200

Pascal. Go fuck yourself. I'd rather watch TV. We do a fun game with my friends. It's called Fishbowl. You guys played that? Fishbowl. So basically, I was going to do it with you guys played that? Fishbowl. So basically,

I was going to do it with you guys, but it would be kind of hard to do it. So basically, you get three pieces of paper and you write whatever you want on them. It could be a saying, could be a person, could be making a joke about someone in the room. It doesn't matter. You can write whatever you want on these three pieces of paper and you put it in this fishbowl. And everyone does that. And then you're splitting the teams. And the first thing is, I believe someone has to, it's like charades, so they have to act it out. Or, yeah, they have to act out what is on the thing.

And you get a minute. Each team gets a minute and one person does it and they have to act out what what is on the thing and you get a minute each team gets a minute and one person does it and they have to act out well you're gonna know the yours but some of them you're like what the fuck does that mean what does that mean um and then the next round you get one word all the same stuff go back in the fishbowl you get one word but it's the same ones oh i've played this before yeah so it's a blast and it's a blast and uh our our buddy josh is he knows all the rules and we'll call him and he's the most like energetic person about this he like loves it so much and he'll tell you all the rules so if you ever want to know how the rules we'll call josh and be like all right guys guys everyone make sure everyone's listening can everyone hear the phone can everyone hear the phone oh that's a good friend yeah yeah it's very fun the only yeah those games are tough for me to

get it like that's higher energy like people can get into it but the you need everyone on board for that game you can't have like two people that are like nonchalantly playing because then it's not as fun yeah it's hard to hard to explain to drunk people games yeah that's usually when you start playing like let's get a game going they're like yeah yeah and then everyone's like still talking and whatnot like i don't know do you the one game that i we played uh do you guys play a lot of like graduation games when you graduated high school it's a graduation game if we played this game are you 18 way more way too much i hate like every graduation party like with your like you illegal um it was like because it was like a milestone so we're like most like it's like it's what's a true colors game yeah it's a true colors game and it's everyone gets like three to six pieces of

paper and you just put like something that might happen to someone in this group and it's like usually you're there's like 15 of you that you're close in high school and you put all of them in a bowl and just one guy is the leader and they're like all right most likely to or you just take turns picking a category most likely to go to prison and then everyone casts their vote puts it in a bowl and then it's like survive and they're like i kind of like that all right so like all right who's most likely to go to prison and And it was, like, it's fun. Like, it starts innocent in the beginning, and then it's, like, most likely to have a threesome or sex in public

or, like, do hard drugs or die. Divorced first. We played this game so much, and I got so sick of it because every time we played it, me and my buddy Sam got every bad category voted for us. So, like, the two of us were most likely to marry last, divorce first, die first. I mean, you got the divorce down. Drugs in public.

I got the divorce. Yeah, I won that one. Statistically, they are correct. Yeah. And we played it so much that at one, like, last party my buddy taylor who hit the uh second shortest drive sorry taylor they suggest like hey let's play true colors and he just goes oh you mean the michael's an asshole game that's great we used to do sunday fun days with my college group and that would mean us dressing crazy and going to

this local ball bar called miller's glen which was a nine hole golf course we would go there in the winter and they still have a bar open and it was just us pretty much in there and then some maybe some locals at the end of the bar that's it and we would put everyone's we would first make up a challenge like we you have to go outside and take your shirt off and everyone gets to throw two snowballs at you from six feet away so everyone will line up firing style and then we'd put everyone's name in the hat and then each one would pick out one after another and say the name and whoever's left has to do that has to like go outside stand there and take all the and like it was a bunch of crazy stuff and it was honestly insane that we got away

with it because we also never paid for our drinks the bartender was like one of our friends so they were just happy that they didn't have to work alone yeah yeah yeah it was insane that's sick that's a pretty fucking good deal yeah i have that's like a great description of guys though in college like if you want to know what what is it like to be a guy in college that's it right there like that's all we want to do is like talk to a girl here there but at the end like i really kind of just want to get drunk with the boys and like let's make up a game and be stupid and we think we're fun and it's like

then you look back and I'm like we were just throwing snowballs at each other outside of a bar any type of competitiveness throws out everything else in the window I remember there was like a night where my buddy and I we each got like a 24 pack of beer and we sat and drank them on the edge of our couch and one of our other friends had a fish I remember there was a night where my buddy and I, we each got a 24-pack of beer,

and we sat and drank them on the edge of our couch, and one of our other friends had a fish. And we spent the whole night throwing darts and seeing if we could hit the fish. We never did because it's so difficult to. But there was a bunch stuck in the side of the fish bowl, and I just remember having the best time every time we got close. That fish wasn't he's like holy shit we never hit it looks like 300 to all this comment it was just so stupid but

we just said we just said they're so stupid just so stupid drunk just fuck all right that one's in the wall we had one of those uh so when i lived in the fraternity house we uh our house was um it had a kitchen in the basement and there was a chef um but that chef did the cooking for a bunch of fraternities and so we had just an ass load of cutlery um we had so many steak knives and uh when we moved in there was this giant mural of uh camp randall and there was one girl who looked like our buddy timmy because timmy had long hair for a while like that's timmy and we would get drunk and be like let's see if we can hit timmy but let's go get the steak knives so we would sit from like this wall to that wall with like 10 steak knives, be like, see if you can hit Timmy, and just whipping knives into the wall.

We spent, or not we, my buddy Connor spent probably an hour and a half spackling the wall before he moved out just to try and avoid thousands of dollars in damages. That's what we do at our apartment. There was not just the fish thing. We would have dodgeball fights, but with our darts. And it was more or less just like,

Doc, I'm going to throw it down the hallway. I'm going to try to see if I can stick it in the wall. And so it was just like, we would just be in the hallway and just start just rifling darts through the through the wall and i remember like we had two girl roommates and they came home like hammered in the middle of it one time and i just they just came in saw that there were darts being thrown all over they immediately got scared and like ran downstairs and like we

had to call them and let them know hey just you know it's safe like we're not actually fighting they thought we're like seriously like trying to murder each other with darts and i felt really bad for that but there was much i remember one time we're in wisconsin and we're we're stories are the best we're drunk and we're cutting a pizza and someone goes hey throw me that knife and the dude goes and just chucks the knife into the wall. Which at the time, great bit. That's a great bit. That's so fucking funny. That's so good.

But at the time, the next morning, we're like, why the fuck did you do that? No one ever said anything about a security deposit or anything. On camera, if you see something like, toss me a knife, just goes in the wall. Thanks. And they grab it. It's a great bit. Just fucking chuck it in the wall. And then the guy has to cut it out and put it on the pizza.

We were in the Dells once and a bunch of coworkers, when we were working at the bar, and our manager just got shit canned. And he goes to the room, passes out, locks himself in the bathroom, and we're all kind of like hanging out everyone else goes to the pool i'm checking on him and i get a knock at the door and it's just like 16 year old kid and he has you know those like uh starbucks or like mcdonald's cardboard trays he has He has six to nine of them stacked with cups in between all of them. He goes, someone ordered 54 kamikaze shots to your room.

I go, no, we didn't. He goes, didn't Austin? I'm like, yes, we did. And it was just me and him passing i go this is gonna be a long night the bar we worked at it i mean the shot culture was insane yeah we were talking about it when it was just us to be like that's that was our thing is like you want shots you want shots you want shots like i would get off a shift working the kitchen yeah and i know i had to come back and bartend in an hour and a half so i would go home shower in like 15 minutes and they'd be like all right meet me at mondays yeah it's like

halfway in between my apartment and the bar like all right let's grab a drink before work and then mondays is known for um 90 10 drinks and it's like you have to get a vodka rebel because it's the only thing that cuts the alcohol and like you know what one drink isn't that bad let's take a shot i go we just had a cup of vodka and then we'd be like three shots deep and a drink like let's go bartend where we're going to drink with everyone else yeah just because like oh it's a shot like a shot to us just becameend where we're going to drink with everyone else. Yeah. Just because like, oh, it's a shot. Like a shot to us just became like, oh, we're just going to do it. Like, hey, you want to high five real quick and then go to work? That's what it was. Yeah.

I'm not a shot guy. I mean, I'll take him. I'll never complain about taking a shot. I will be like, but if I'm ordering shots, we should leave. Time to get me out of that bar. I am done. I will order one round of them there's this story went to camp and tried to order shots and uh my credit card got declined

because i thought it was fraudulent charges that's what that's how frequently i do not buy shots the way you drink reminds me of how i drink too though is like you can put them down for sure um but you're not vocal about how much you're drinking yeah whereas i think i will challenge anyone who is still listening like your friends that get hammered i promise you are the most vocal about what they're drinking you're like oh, oh, I'm like, I've had like four Vegas bombs, ketchup, or I'm like, this is my fifth vodka soda. Those are the people that are always hammered because they're telling you how much they're drinking.

Yeah. Whereas like you could have a decent amount, but you're not telling anyone. So no one asks you. So you could just quietly stop for a while. Like the minute you're like, oh, I'm feeling a little boozy. You're like, I'm just not going to sip my drink for a bit, but you still got it. You don't feel the need to tell everyone and finish them. There is no

competition with you. That's what it is. There's no competition. It's like, hey, I want to go as long as... I want to be here the entire night. I do not want to be the guy that's like, we should get Michael home right now. It's already nine and he's had this many drinks because he already announced he had he said seven vegas bombs and four vacas

sodas we should get him home before he continues to pee behind the bar do you guys talk about what was in the bathroom or what are you guys you guys are talking just it sounds like you guys are just attacking me right now no no i was was saying I'm not a big shot guy. He doesn't announce it either. I don't do shots. I went to camp one time after a concert, and I bought shots for everyone, which I never do. And my card got declined because I thought it was fraudulent charges. That's how infrequent I buy shots.

They're like, Judd doesn't buy shots. That's not him. That's not Judd. This is a big charge at a bar. Usually it's like $4 for a beer. No, we were saying the people who are our biggest problem drinking are the ones who announce that they're drinking and how much they've drank. Yeah. Like we can drink with both of you now, pretty good at, you know, holding it down.

But not one of us at night were like, guys, you got to catch up. I've had three of these now. I see you're kind of milking that one. Like, don't get me wrong. Every one of us has been guilty of being like. Doing that. You have like, hey, you need a nipple for that one because you're nursing it kind of shit like that. But the people are like, no, no, we catch up.

I'm nine deep already. You got to be here. It's like, just drink. Like, the biggest accomplishment or, like, flex would be, like, are you still awake at 2 o'clock in the morning and, like, hanging out with everyone? Yeah, that's it. It's like, holy shit, you can handle your own. Like, you're just not trying to compete with everyone. Yeah, that's it. It's like, holy shit, you can handle your own. You're just not trying to compete with anyone.

Yeah, I think it's all about the saying like how much you got to catch up sort of thing. Never catch up. Never. It's never. You catch up, especially in your catch up,

you're like just loading up at a fast pace. Yeah. You're not going to catch up. You're going to go over what they're saying. It's like eating too fast where you don't know you're full. And all of a sudden you're like, oh, my God, there's a dumpster right here.

I'm going to go sleep in it. That's what happens. Worst catch-up I've ever seen, though? Worst. My 19th birthday. My buddy comes over late. You weren't legal allowed to drink then. I was drinking waters.

Okay. And he was 21. Okay. I was just strictly water Okay. And he was 21. Okay. I was just strictly water, Dazani. Yuck. That's the worst kind. Out of all the waters you picked. I wonder why you were hammered.

I was. Yeah, it is fermented in the bottle. I knew where I can get it. He's like, hey. I'm taking a styrene mouthwash. He's like, I'm going to catch up. I'm like okay go for it um and we cooked out we're in the my mom's backyard and uh he finds like the garbage

bag that we always throw in like cups and like the raw burgers we didn't finish cooking in and he saw that some of the empty like leftover beer had funneled to the bottom of this garbage bag yuck so he cut the bottom of this garbage bag and drank the rest of the beer as like a party flex and then just kept drinking with us and then we we finish up so how impressed were you i was man that guy's got a huge dick did you guys see that guy cut that garbage bag and suck up your own oh my god that's so nasty and so we we go to my basement because we're getting like yelled at Man, that guy's got a huge dick. Did you guys see that guy cut that garbage bag and suck up your own? Oh, my God. That's so nasty. And so we go to my basement because we're getting yelled at,

like you're being too loud for the neighbors, and we start playing Don't Drink and Drive. Oh, love it. And the rest of us properly hammered, not raw meat hammered. And I look back, and I've played four games of Don't Drink and Drive by myself. There's one guy behind me who is meowing to my cat for 45 minutes to the point where my mom woke up the next day and she goes, who the fuck was the cat whisperer?

And then the garbage beer guy is in my basement bar sink, like a tiny, tiny sink, just projectile vomiting and then scooping it up to try and get the water to go down. And he's like, I'm never catching up again. I'm like, yeah, no shit. Yeah, I saw one guy one time try to catch up. He was on work or whatever. He came to the party and just beer bonged a Four Loko.

I've seen a shotgun, a natty rush. Yeah. I've shotgunned multiple Four Lokos in my time. And it's... You look like you have. How did that end? Actually, always pretty damn good. Oh, dude.

I probably have a couple of highlight tapes that I could take a few years. You're going to catch me on huddle. You think that's the most frat thing you've done? Yeah, I did that in high school. Yeah. Actually, I did do it in college. You weren't old enough to drink. No, I was not. It was just... Does Ani too? No, I did that in high school. Yeah. Actually, I did do it. You weren't old enough to drink.

No, I was not. It was just... Does Ani too? No, it was... Aquafina. Those water four locos? Yeah, it was... Four locos are ridiculous, though.

Well, when I went to college, they still had caffeine in them. Actually? The bad stuff. Yeah, this was pre... How old is he? This is really... I'm dating myself right here.

When we talk about drinking, they're like, dude, you're 25. And I feel like if you were in here in that conversation, they would still say, you were 25. 25, yeah. And now you just said that you are my grandfather. Yeah. They used to call it blackout in a can because it still had caffeine. So your body wouldn't go to sleep. It was just like nuts.

And you got it from $2 and you wouldn't go to sleep it was just like nuts and like you get two dollars you got it from two dollars and you wouldn't remember it you just black out but your body would still be awake it was he's talking like he used to get candy for nickels yeah i've never seen anything for a nickel grandpa fuck yourself for a nickel? I remember people told me quarter beers. Oh, my dad's like, I used to go with 10 cents and I'd walk out with 100 pieces of candy. Did you rob the fuck store? How are they making money? It makes no fucking sense.

I remember a person told me quarter beer one time. I go, that's ridiculous. Quarter beer? My bar owner did that every once in a while. We had to have a keg left. Or he had a keg we weren't drinking. We were going to do 50 cent taps until it runs out. That's the old John Mulaney joke.

He goes, in LA, they have drink specials where you get a dollar off top shelf vodka, which is already like, but in the Midwest, they have parties that are like, it's nickel shot night. And he goes, if we go there, I think we're going to die. It's so true. One of my favorite,

it's not my favorite thing, Mike, but looking back on it, just remember going Thursday nights, going to, by the way, best night to drink in college, Thursday night.

Oh yeah. Hands down. Brothers downtown on water street was mug club. It, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hands down. Brothers downtown on Water Street. It was a mug club. It was $10 all you can drink. Dollar bombs. I just remember going there every Thursday and waking up and just smelling like alcohol. And I went to a small school, so it was like me and 10 kids.

And it's an engineering school, so they're all smart, kind of put together together people and i just come in like rolling and just like hammered one time i went and took an exam covered in my own p like that type of thing i just remember all my teachers like you're such a loser i used i used to say i used to have a joke about this is the true story that uh one of my teachers thought i had a kid and it kind of got sprung on me and um the kid yeah so if you did have a kid when you were in college you'd be 27 right now this is very funny so uh you you met him this week the guy with all the tattoos he looks he you know uh he's he's my college roommate for four years and he's a very good artist and we had an art history class together and it was our senior year so we're in a an art history class together in our senior year so we're in a uh in a form where it's like we should know everyone in the class it's like a senior level art history class and it's a new

teacher is miss williams we never we never had her before and it's like okay so she had this like icebreaker where we just like she goes all right turn to your neighbor talk to him for five minutes and then you're going to introduce your neighbor. I turn to my neighbor, it's my freaking roommate. I literally walked there with him, you know. So I was like, Jake, we'll just make some shit up. So I get up first. And I was like, all right, this is Jake.

He, like, long walks on the beach. He cries at the notebook. He likes candlelight dinners. Everyone laughs because they know that's not who Jake is. Because he's got a face tattoo like he's not you know he's not that's not jake's been to prison yeah so that's not who jake is uh and then jake stands up and he has to top that now he's the one up he goes oh this is judd uh he has a small child. Her name's Catherine. He's a great father. And everyone laughs because they know I don't own the kid. And about a week goes on, and we forget that we even did that silly joke just for the class.

And Ms. Williams goes, hey, Judd, can I see you after class? And I was like, sure. And everyone goes, ooh, what are you doing? I was like, oh, shit. And she goes goes everyone leaves and she goes first off i'm so proud that you are one a father and getting your education and if you ever need anything if you ever need anything let me know if you need to like not be there for class you have to be with the kid i'll give you an a for the day don't worry about the homework I'm just so proud of you being a father And being in education

And I could have nipped this in the butt at the time But I said Yeah it's great That's good I was hoping you would say that So then I And this is a This is a Monday

Wednesday Friday class 8am Did you ever go? There's a Monday, Wednesday, Friday class, 8 a.m. There's a Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 8 a.m. class. Do you ever go? And we had this thing called Thirsty Thursdays on Thursday nights. Kids got daycare on Thursdays. I don't know if you know what Thirsty Thursdays hate the most, 8 a.m. Friday classes.

So what I used to do on Thursday nights when I knew we were going to go drinking because I would – Drop the kid off at his mom's. Around like 4 a.m. I would. Like in my drafts I would make an email. That said. The mom already left for work.

And the kid's sick. I'm going to stay home tonight. And then I would set my alarm for 6.30 something like a.m. On Friday morning. And I would just hit enter enter and not go to class. And I got an A. I never got anything was like wrong with it. Did you do the same email every week, or did you mix it up?

I would mix it up, and I would mix up the times too. Like 4 a.m., I'm like, oh, kid's puking. I'm up right now. Every Friday your kid was just ill. Yeah, I would sometimes Wednesdays, you know. Like, oh, kid's puking. I'm up right now. Every Friday your kid was just ill. Well, yeah. I would sometimes Wednesdays, you know. But it really, when it backfired was. Oh, it comes back.

When it backfired was I went to one of the classes on one of the days. And she goes, if you guys want extra credit, I'm having an art gallery showing on campus you can go and if you do if you write a paper if you take video you take pictures or do anything for the showing i will give you extra credit and i was also taking a video editing class at the time and i was like shit i need to do a project with video editing i'll take a video of this and i'll get an get an a and i can just put that one get extra credit and get my assignment done perfect um and then we go there and the thing about art gallery showings is they had this thing on campus where they had a lot of like teach like the the professors had to go to six of them a year

not or six events a year They could pick whatever you want. And a lot of people at the Art Gallery show because free wine, free cheese, and all this other stuff. Yeah, go to that one. Sharkoochie board. So the students – Sharkoochie. Sharkoochie. Oh, there's a Sharkoochie.

The Sharkoochie. He wouldn't have passed our test. So there was a bunch of students there, a bunch of professors. My coach was there because they have to go to student events sometimes too, and they always go to the ones that have free booze. I remember my advisor was there for some reason. It was a weird match, i'm like recording all this and uh then she takes a q a session and and people start asking her questions hey miss williams what what really

like you know inspires your art and she looks at everything she goes probably my kids my kids uh john you know what i'm talking about since you'd be a father. And, you know, my kids, and she keeps going, but everyone has now turned to me. And I'm going to tell you right now, Jake is dying laughing. He has tears in his eyes. And a lot of people are like, Judd doesn't have a kid. But a few people are like, does Judd have a kid? And then, like, it was very weird. So then I remember, like like just a email from my professor

from my advisor uh said i need to meet you tomorrow and we need to talk about some things which is never good so then she was like you knew who your advisor was in college yeah yeah because i also i also worked for that department for a little bit. So that's how it, like, yeah, it worked. But she was like, so we should talk about this kid. And I can't lie to my advisor that I'm lying to my teacher about a kid to get an A, to graduate and be on the dean's list and all this stuff. So I lied to my advisor. And I was like, yeah, you know, I don't like to talk about it, this and that. And she bought it and this and that.

And I don't know if you've ever – also before that, I had to go to, like, the FedEx store and print off pictures of a random girl I found on Google to put in my wallet. That's so good. of a random girl I found on Google to put in my wallet. It'd be like, don't ask questions, cut it out into wallet size, put this in there. And so then, end of the semester, I got an A, everything was great. I will never see Miss Williams ever again. And so now I have to go back for a follow-up with my advisor to, like,

hey, you ready to graduate? You ready to do all this stuff? And I knew she was going to bring up the kid. And how I got away with it was she goes, so what about the kid? And do you have a future? I was like, ooh, that's a sore subject. Don't. I love the child, and I will always hope for the best for them,

but we had a paternity test, and it turns out that it wasn't mine, so we have parted ways since then. I thought you were going to kill off the kid. I thought you killed the kid, yeah. But also the paternity test is the same thing. It's basically a safe play to get rid of an invisible kid. What the fuck? What did she say back to that?

She bought it. Yeah, for sure. She never brought it up ever again. Yeah. And that, my friends, is how Jug got into comedy. This has been the Fat Chance Podcast. We are out of here. What the fuck?

Yeah, true story.