F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 11 - Sex Books

Episode Date: December 10, 2018

It's the most wonderful time... of the week.  That's right!  A brand new episode packed to the brim with all the dating and sex advice we're legally allowed to put into a single audio file.  We also introduce a brand new segment to the show that will either arouse or upset you!  Topics include pleasure guilt, the friend-zone, Tinder memorials, seasonal blues and when to take your shot.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Damian Lee And I'm Miles Bang And we're your fuck buddies Aww

So gentle So like aquatic, like Spain and we're your fuck buddies. Aww. So gentle. So like aquatic. Because we're getting wet. Getting wet. Wettest advice. Oh boy, I'm worried about this episode. Why?

That's what you want to hear. The first thing. Now I'm worried about it. I'm so tired. Yeah, I'm fucking wrecked. I don't think we've ever recorded on i'm fucking wrecked it's like i don't think we've ever recorded on tuesday no it's also Tuesday night so like yeah my brain power is fucking gone well yeah i just said i had one of those days yeah we we were up very late playing fallout and then both up after expending all our mental energy escaping from two consecutive escape

rooms oh it's true. I did my first escape room. Thanks, Tim. And then your second. Yeah. And then we did both. One had a 30% success rating. Both did, actually.

And we did both of them. Yeah, because we ruled. Mm-hmm. We only almost left one friend behind in the middle of one of them. Yeah. We're a dating and sex advice podcast. You probably didn't know that by that opening um where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations fuck yeah we sex questions we did it um and speaking of not realizing that we're a sex and dating advice podcast uh i don't know if people are listening and they're just fucking

with us i don't i don't think so because it seems like it's a real long con for some of these pages but uh on top of our like vague flirtatious messages last week we have today gotten two more messages one is actually our first question via messenger which we'll get right into in a minute but uh the other one it's like i'm looking for cute girls can anybody help yeah or no i'm looking for fun with a lady can anybody help yeah uh no no we cannot we can't you can't i mean we kind of can if you listen to our podcast yeah but considering your you can't even figure out that we are a podcast unless that is just the question shit yeah just our answer is listen to our back catalog listen to our all of our podcast episodes we got you man i would get it if, like,

our Facebook page was just called Fuck Buddies, but, like, I specifically saw this being a problem, and, like, our Facebook page is Fuck Buddies Podcast. Yeah, maybe they... In the title.

Maybe they don't know what podcasts are. That's true. Maybe they're thinking, like, Pod of Whales. I could cast my line into a pod of hot six whales. We found the Venn diagram

of perverts and fishermen. Just kidding. We're the same thing. Oh. Well, so much There goes our fisherman audience. Shit. I think we've wasted plenty of time. We've never wasted enough time. Should we get to our first messenger question?

Yes. Okay. Do you want to read it or should I? Oh, is it the one we just got? Yeah. Yeah, you do it. So every word in this message was sent in a different message, which I assume only underscores how important the answer is.

And our good new buddy sends a message saying, can you hack people's messages? No. Question mark, question mark, question you hack people's messages? No. Question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark. Yeah, like eight question marks. He also sent us two thumbs up, I think. Yeah, the thumbs up was nice. The other one, not so much.

No, we cannot, but we would advise you not to. Don't do it. So there we go. That was, I think, our easiest question yet. Yeah. Doesn't really have anything to do with dating or sex, but. I think we. I mean.

That's us this week. It probably is. is he's trying to hack into his yeah it's either i most people i imagine would be right unless he's like looking for stock trading secrets which to be fair doesn't seem like he is yeah no probably not because he's already obviously way ahead in his portfolio yeah he looks like a keen investor he does yeah yeah guys we're getting weird i weird. The worry is that I think these messages are only going to escalate. 100%. Like, they've already escalated. Yeah, from the first thing we got where someone was just like, hello, to now. Well, I think the very first one we ever got was, hey, boo.

Yeah. Which was on the picture, the screenshot of your Twitter where you were called a cum bucket. So maybe that's his fetish. I don't know. Oh, yeah, that's true. It was. It didn't even make sense. Anyway, I'm getting more perplexed by the day.

But no, we are not computer hackers as much as we probably seem like it. For those of you listening, please come on our Facebook and have normal conversations. Sort of like set the pace. Yeah, because I think the only visible thing we have is that random guy just saying hey boo yeah and also we have a bunch of things from like before we launched people being like i'm looking forward to it we're gonna listen to it and stuff like that but then like after we've launched it's mostly us and then people commenting on our stuff but then like just then it's just weird it's getting creepier it's getting weird seriously we're feeling a little cut off but

it is funny because every time we get one of these messages, it just kind of reinforces the fact that like, we need to fix some shit in this world. Yeah.

Like, you can't be that oblivious and thirsty that you're just like, I'll give it a shot. Like, we're a week away from getting just inundated

with dick pics, I'm pretty sure. Yeah. I mean, it's going to happen. Oh, yeah. At the escalation rate right right now I'd give it a week don't send us a dick pic please don't send us dick pic this is not a challenge yeah we

don't want them we don't want them question time nah okay done we fixed it people only came here for you know turn your goddamn phone off I'm sorry I'm so popular alright alarms only. Perfect. Now you only have to listen to your seven alarms. Yeah. Well, I gotta know when to be funny. Seven times an episode.

That's why we never hear them. Oh. Well, I guess I'm gonna go home, guys. No, you ask a goddamn question right now, young man. Overreacting double standards? Question mark. By Helen Wolfe.reacting double standards? Question mark. By Helen Wolfe. This is a poem? From sex.

Read it. I asked the guy I'm seeing a few months ago if he could give me oral after sex because I wanted to climax and during sex I wasn't able to. He refused, saying he doesn't like the taste of a condom I would have down there after sex. He doesn't give me oral anyway. But after we have sex with a condom, he expects me to remove it from him and suck his dick clean. Doesn't force me to, but I do it anyway. Can't go past the double standard here though. He wouldn't lick my clit that has minimum exposure to the condom during sex because I want it to come, while at the same time he

expects me to suck and lick a whole surface the condom has been in contact with, his dick, after he's climaxed. I still do it because I like it. He's not forcing me to do it, but still. He wouldn't give me oral because of the plastic taste. Really? that low effort to make me climax i feel like i am hurt but also that i'm overreacting uh nah b yeah 100 and it's so annoying because i've seen this question a million times yeah or it's just people who not only are clearly in this really like shitty situation but they don't feel like they're allowed to say it's a shitty situation. Like they feel like they're doing the wrong thing by recognizing that. So shit.

So I really want to bring it up and just reinforce the fucking message that like you are not in the wrong. You are not overreacting and your pleasure is a hundred percent as important as the other person's. Yeah. Like, yeah. I mean, like, granted, she hasn't really told us what she's doing to react. I don't know if she's overreacting. Oh, yeah, like... She's just saying...

If she, like, burnt his cat alive or something. Yeah, if... Who knows what she's up to. Yeah. Let's go under the assumption that she is a sane person. That's what I was going under. Here's the thing. I get where he's coming from.

Like, condom taste is the worst. But, like, if you're enjoying them doing it to you after a condom's been removed, then, like, you also have to take the bullet. You know what I mean? Yeah, and also, like, there's ways around it. And, like, she makes a good point where she has this whole big surface area to deal with

where it's like, if he's even just going down her clit, which seems to be what she's okay with, fucking just fucking just like wash it out with a little bit of saliva boom it takes half a second or the i think more problematic is the fact that she says he doesn't give me oral anyway yeah i mean like what the solution to this problem is just do it first yeah just be like finish me right now before we Like, that's the best way to do it because then, like, pressure is off you. You get to go, you get to dick her into that mattress. And then, like, when you're done, you're done. She gets to, like, she seems to enjoy doing what she does afterwards.

You know what I mean? She sounds like a great girlfriend. Yeah. Call it a day. Yeah. But, like, you don't get to call it a day if you're the only one who's come. Yeah, I think that's, like, the simplest thing is, like, if that is the issue, get him to do it first. Yeah.

If there's still an issue, which it seems like there probably would be, then you got a problem and you need to fix that because your sexual pleasure is very important, women. And you don't have to feel bad about thinking that. Especially if you're in like a committed relationship where like the only sex you're having is with one person like if your sexual pleasure relies on strictly one person and they're not doing the things that you require to achieve that pleasure then yeah there there needs to be some changes made um and hopefully it's you know by talking to your partner well that's the thing you're like hey this is what this is what I need, and this is what I want. Yeah. And if he's still like, nope, then maybe consider...

Then maybe be like, why? And if he doesn't give you the most satisfactory answer in the world, which, like, honestly, probably isn't one. And even if there is, like, you can't have a relationship where you're not getting what you need out of it. It'd be one thing if they just weren't having sex. Mm-hmm. But, like, she's pretty much

just using her as like like a sex object yeah being like well i'm good like sorry my mouth is too delicate but here's my dick yeah and like if you don't like if if there's actually something like if there's just something in his brain that makes him repulsed by vaginal oral sex get a fucking dildo. Get a vibrator. You know what I mean? Like, get... What did you say?

Get him a therapist. Yeah, I mean, like, I don't know. Maybe there's, like, a smell or a... I'm sure some people have it. You know what I mean? But even then, it's like, it's definitely a thing you need to bring it up and you need to talk it through.

If for some reason you don't taste or smell the best down there, which you probably would have noticed, but, hey, if you haven't taste or smell the best down there, which you probably would have noticed. But hey, if you haven't, whatever. Talk about it. See what you can do. Right? Yeah. Et cetera.

It's not one of those situations where you get to one, feel bad about wanting more. Ever. And two, that like you just ignore it and get on with life. That's not okay. Yeah. Because what ends up happening there is like you start resenting him you grow more distant everything like yeah yeah like it's it's one of those snowballing things and i'm not going to say that she's going to cheat on but like relations tend to fall apart when but if you guys just gonna fight or not enjoy sex which it seems

like she isn't you know that's a big part of like most, most relationships, so. Yeah, I would say, like, 90% of, like, healthy relationships tend to, like, crumble the second sort of, like, the sexual realm of that relationship begins to deteriorate. Well, it's a huge part, right? Yeah. And I feel like maybe people don't like to admit it because we're all, like, I don't know, societally repressed. And no one wants to, like like it feels like sending so much importance to sex

like belittles what you have but like there's a reason like you're not just buds yeah it's crazy that people

actively be like oh sex isn't that big like people who I don't know how often it happens now but people who who think that like they don't have to have sex

after getting into a relationship like that was that was a thing of course like you don't like if you don't want to or if you're like asexual or whatever like people who who are like no sex is like the bait on the hook and then once i've caught the fish like i'm not gonna keep baiting the hook man i think i'd cut my own face off right sexless life why would you do that turn it upside down down. Just be upside down face, man. Ooh.

That'll get me laid. Fixed it. We give the best advice. Yeah, so whatever this Reddit user's name is, just cut your face off. Turn it upside down. Sorted. Now you have a new... Get them to taste that.

Yeah. Make it with your eyeballs. They're wet. Well, to taste that. Yeah. Make it with your eyeballs. They're wet. Well, we did it. Yeah. No, it's just so one of the reasons why I wanted to bring it up is again, just because I'd seen it so many times and it breaks my heart, the amount of women online asking if they're in the

wrong for wanting to be pleasured. And you are not in the wrong. You are not. Nope. And don't be afraid to walk away from a relationship where somebody doesn't care about your pleasure because that's fucked. Yeah, I mean, it needs to be a conversation before it's a decision.

Yeah, of course. And it's one of those things where, like, if someone's into a certain kink or whatever that you're not comfortable with, then they are by all means... You know what I mean? Like, if you're asking for something extreme or sort of And like, then they are by all means, you know what I mean? Like if you're asking for something extreme, um,

or sort of like outside in the realm of the mainstream, um, that's, but yeah, if you're just like, Hey, I, I kind of want to be fucked doggy style.

And the guy's like, no, I'm not going to do it. Then you, then you've got a problem. Well, but if you're like, Hey,

I like, I'm really into like, you know, hooking and all that crazy shit. Um, which is fine if you're into that. That's cool. But some people might not be comfortable impaling your skin with hooks and stuff. Yeah, that is a good point.

It's like you'll note we're not saying specifics. It's not like if he doesn't do this one act, then get the fuck out of there. But if he doesn't care about your pleasure, which is a very wide net, and it's going to change per person. I'm like, yeah, sure. If your pleasure is all just like on the extremer side of things, that's fine. Like don't ever really don't do something you don't want to, but if you don't want to pleasure your partner, then that's probably an issue. Yeah. And that's what I'm saying. It's like, we'll probably know this guy has got like a severe aversion to vaginal secretions, which, you know, might be a thing, but it's like you's like you have dildos, you have vibrators. And also I would land more weight to that theory

if it wasn't a thing we've heard a million times. Yeah. Also, like, get a vibrating cock ring or something. You know what I mean? Like there are so many things nowadays that you can add into very easily into a sexual relationship to take care of the other person. Yeah. But your pleasure is

important and you should not feel bad about wanting it yeah no if if you feel unsatisfied it is 100 the relationship's responsibility to try to rectify that yeah so have a chat and don't be afraid to walk away if they don't give a shit because it's like imagine if your relationship you're like oh i'm nice to him all day then he's just mean to me it's like what yeah or he expects me to be really polite but then he's just like hey dirtbag you're like oh anyway i feel like it's a point cross go have an orgasm this one comes from a friend of the show they wanted an agent code name and because it's the holiday season agent halloween agent mistletoe is the one i went with um and he says what is the way you said it i don't know i

just thought of like a camel toe but shaped like a missile a missile toe i mean just big and with fins agent missile toe says there's a girl i go to school with that i have a massive crush on trying to score points with her i helped her move since then she's asked me to help with other handyman type things i've helped her build ikea furniture comes here to a buns trade for safety etc we hang out a bit in school, but rarely alone, and anytime I invite her out to a more date-like scenario, she's always got a reason why she can't. Have I been friend-zoned? And if so, how do I get out of it? No such thing as the friend-zone?

Correct. But also, she might be using you as her secret handyman? So here's the thing. I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I do believe there is a friend zone. And we're in it right now. Come here, buddy. Just, no, like, I think the context is incorrect

in which people use it. I think there is like a friend zone in the situation that people keep other people around as friends strictly for validation and strictly for like personal use. That's fair. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, um, a lot of people think of it as the guy who's like, I've been nicer and now she owes me sex. You know what I mean? That's generally like the, the friend zone definition. Um, but I think it goes both ways. Like, I think, I think this sort of like malicious, um, where people are like, oh, this person is attracted to me.

I can get them to do things for me. Yeah, they're basically a person who's literally always got my back because they fancy the hole off me. Yeah. So I keep them around and it's, like, my number one supporter all the time. Yeah. But I'm never going to. And the thing is, is, like, the second if they ever sort of like get wise and sort of like get a little the old backbone and be like, you know what?

Fuck this. I'm not going to do this anymore. All they have to do is throw a little bit of attention. You know what I mean? And they usually hook some back in and then like, cool. Now I've got I've got this boy back. You know what I mean? Back in the back in my back pocket.

Yeah. I said back a lot. And there's no way out of it. So just fuck it. Like you don't reduce yourself to being this person's slave. Yeah. I said back a lot. And there's no way out of it. So just fuck it. Like you don't reduce yourself to being this person's slave. Yeah. I mean, like, I don't think it necessarily has to be like a punitive. You don't have to take any of those things. Just be like, hey, would you like to go on a date with me? And if she's like, no, or if she gives you sort of like one of those, like, oh, we'll have to see. It's really busy. Yeah. Be like, okay, cool. Well,

just let you know. I'm interested interested if you want to grab a drink just let me know yeah i was just getting the impression that they felt uncomfortable with the amount that like they're now being like functional to this person yeah no and that's the thing and i'm also equating it with times where i've either seen or been on the receiving end of that and then jumping to like that's a shit situation mode when i guess technically it's not quite there yet yeah i would i would put your sort of like romantic intentions forward um as nile says ball court yeah um and then and then just stop doing shit for her yeah unless you want to but that's like if like you know you see her drop a bunch of shit in the hallway don't just be like sucks to suck and then no if she drops stuff in

the hallway that's a you definitely cannot pick that to suck. Well, no. If she drops stuff in the hallway, you definitely cannot pick that up. Because then you're hallway zoned. Oh, it's true. And that's like so much worse because then you're

stuck in the hallway. Yeah, and she has books then you're book zoned. Yeah, and then you're hallway book zoned. It's, fuck man. And if she has any ghosts in her family

then you're phantom zoned. Yeah, but you will also become a ghost. That's how hallways get haunted. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucked. So that's the one time, you know, never help.

What are you doing? I don't know. If you want to, sure, but I guess you got to be real with yourself. And are you just doing it to help out? Or are you doing it for brownie points? That's the thing. Look back at all the things that you've done. If at any point in time you've been like, oh, I'm going to build this iconic furniture,

and then we're going to fuck on it it if that was like your mental thought process make sure it costs over 250 because under that it'll probably break you're gonna get on it yeah sorry but back to if you were doing those things expecting or like at least in the back of your mind kind of hoping there would be a reward of a romantic or sexual nature in return for it um then like realize your intentions aren't the best yeah and you're probably gonna get bitter if you do all these things and then they're like oh yeah no i don't like you and you're like well i fucking hoped this is like no but you weren't nasty maybe you might have thought or hoped that something would come of that but see that i think

that's like the traditional understanding what what the friend is. Exactly. Yeah. Where like doing nice things isn't legal tender. No, not at all. To exchange for sex bucks. You know what I mean? Like you can't be nice to a woman and then expect that to be an equal trade-in for her consent. Yeah. No, that's bullshit and awful. So I just would be like, I i don't know don't be coy

just be like hey you know it's really fun hanging out with you like do you want to go out on a date or like hey let's go for drinks or like let her know your intentions very clearly and then there won't be this kind of is she doing this because of that am i friend zone like figure it out and if you because once you know then you can either just be friends or you can not and you're gonna feel so much happier once that turmoil is out of your head it might just be one of those things where she has come to rely on you and she trusts you as a friend and she's just asking you because she likes you as a friend and like that she's done no foul there you know what i mean that's totally cool if it's one of those things where she's just like i've got a bottle of wine and i don't want to build this furniture by myself and she thought to invite you to hang out like if you can't separate

the romantic feelings from your friendship then you might have to be like hey just so you know like i'm really into you and i don't think it's fair to me or you if if i'm constantly doing things under the like hope or assumption that this might change that's why you got to figure it out because then you can make an informed decision right if you still want to help out great that's awesome you're probably gonna have a really cool friendship now but if you are doing it for these other reasons like you need to then realize that you're doing that yeah like i had a friend who is a very attractive female but like we were just friends like we always were just friends um and i would do that shit with her all the time like i would help her fucking you know sort out her apartment or whatever but like

we just have a bottle of whiskey just like drink and hang out yeah like you know like what friends do yeah um and and at no point in time did i ever like go over there being like oh we're pulling her closet apart well i've met the three closet quota. Yeah. Now you owe me. Yeah. Sex bucks. I have rewarded myself with 40 sex tokens.

Well, no, actual books on sex. That's how you get your advice. You do favors for women in exchange for sex bucks. You read those books, you can get better at sex. Oh, you're saying books. Yeah. I thought you said bucks. What are you talking about?

What the fuck? You just said the same word. Yeah, bucks. Books. Sex bucks. Yeah, sex bucks. Bucks. Books.

B-U-C-K. Yeah. As in like dollar bucks. I don't know, it's the same word. Same sound. Are you saying book, like the book that you read? Book.

Well, we're not cutting this part out. I knew you meant sex books, but they sound the exact same. So I was making a sex book joke. I think it only sounds the same with your accent. Oh, okay. Well, when you say it, it doesn't really sound any different. But. Buck and book.

Buck, book. Buck, book. Buck, book. It's basically the same. It's pretty close. It's like a contextual thing. Anyway, have we finished, Buck? It's basically the same. It's pretty close. It's like a contextual thing. Anyway, have we finished this question? Yes.

If we weren't, we... We definitely killed it. We definitely missed the book. The book stops here. Okay, so just because this is a great tie-in. Speaking of sex books, this is a new part of the show. Oh, no. Where?

And it might only be this week. I don't know. I got a few here. We can stretch them out or not. So I found an article on The Guardian, and it is the Bad Sex Awards. And it goes to just basically badly written erotic books. Or like badly written sex scenes in books okay and they're pretty fucking terrible so if anybody needs our advice like these i've read some of these and i'm

like you've never had sex yeah you're a best-selling author and you're like in your 40s definitely haven't fucked but the thing is like they're. So, like, are all the people who are getting turned on by this also have never had sex? Honestly, I can't tell you that these are actually best-selling, but... That's fair. I didn't look up any of the books. So, for all I know, they're amateur shit. I doubt it. Anyway, somebody found them.

So, you're out there. You ready? Yeah. Pick a number. Seven. This is The Paper Lovers by Gerard Woodward. Oh, shit. Is that our theme tune?

Yeah. He was aware that she was making a mewling sound as he put his lips to her tightened nipple and sucked. Her mouth was at his ear, her tongue traveling along its grooves, voice filling it. His mouth tugged at her, extended her. She snapped back. There was a taste of something on his tongue.

In his mind, he pictured her neck, her long neck, her swan's neck, her Alice in Wonderland neck coiling like a serpent, like a serpent coiling down on him. She had found a way through his clothing, and her fingers had lightly touched his cock, then slowly began to take a firmer hold. He wanted to cry like a baby. He felt helpless, as though his body had come undone and she was fastening it. He felt as though he was bleeding somewhere. Then he felt helpless as though his body had come undone and she was fastening it he felt as

though he was bleeding somewhere and he felt powerful gigantic he would have kicked the door down so bad he felt like he was bleeding somewhere he could get checked bro i don't think at any point in time in my life have i ever been so turned on i was like yeah there's definitely blood there's blood somewhere 100% there's blood like mystery maybe not from my dick but like I'm bleeding somewhere

somewhere like does that mean he felt in pain or he just felt like well there's also the thing where he like ripped her nipple off is that what happened there too

I think he like it's you know when you like pull a nipple a little bit and then you know you let go I think it was just a really bad description

also what's with the serial killer description of her neck? Of her neck? Also, what's an Alice in Wonderland neck? And is it twisting around? I don't know. That's not how necks work. No.

Is he fucking a giraffe? I don't know. What did this door ever do to him? What? What did this door ever do to him? Yeah. Fucking asshole. Oh, man.

Okay, here's... This is one of the better ones. Here's the thing. You can dick her into the mattress, or you can be so horny you'll kick a door. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You just, you get her in the bedroom, and then you start to bleed from somewhere. Yeah.

You just miscellaneous blood, and then you just haul off and break one of her doors. And then twist her neck around. Fuck your door. Pick a pretzel deck. You sound like Dan. I'm just following my new favorite author. I swear to God, that is one of the better ones. I might save one for later on.

Yeah. Maybe we'll need one later. Yeah. Maybe this can be the new Dan. Because Dan is literally- Dan's finally redeemed himself. He's locked himself in a closet somewhere and he's just- And just started writing erotica.

Soul searching. Oh god. Imagine Dan's fucking... I kicked her door down. And then I choked her. Oh, is this Dan? Maybe. Do you have another question? I do, yeah. Okay, hand me over the question. So this is kind of the opposite to last week where it was like, how do I get people to... Like, how do I do

online dating? I found this person, ThoroAwayThoro on Tinder. Dating? Dating Tinder. on online dating. I found this person, Thoro away Thoro, on Tinder. Ex-dating? Dating Tinder. What the fuck? I just read letters while I was trying to speak.

What the hell just happened? Did you have a stroke? I was like trying to talk to you while I was reading this and I literally just read the words. I'm going to start again. Yep, please do. So this is from dating on Reddit

and it is, Dear Tinder man, please. For the love of God. Hear me when I say I swipe left on you because of, and there was a four bullet point list. So dead animal carcass, hunting pictures, fishing pictures, blurry pictures, all pictures being the same or similar. And I thought we could do the opposite for women as a what not to do on your Tinder profiles. So what has made you instantly swipe left? Uh, oh boy.

Um, this has nothing to do with their profile picture, but like having a memoriam for a dead relative in your Tinder profile. What the fuck? Like, I know that sounds very specific. Miss you so much, dad. But I have. I love butt stuff. On my old phone, I had like a folder of pictures.

That were fucking priceless. Of people being like, RIP dad, RIP little brother. And it's like, I get it. It sucks to lose someone you love. But like, time and place. There are better ways to honor someone. Put it on your fucking Facebook. Like, imagine just getting like someone's like dates tattooed on your dick it's like someone's going down you're

like what's this it's like r.i.p dad that's yeah it's when my mom died yeah 1960 2012 yeah 2012 can you go all the way to the 2012 yeah how many numbers can you get down your throat like what the fuck like it's just a, really bizarre place to put that. Yeah. That for me, I'm just like, there is something not connected here that I do not want to deal with you. Yeah. If you don't understand context or like anything, you're probably not going to do very well in other parts of your life. Yeah.

All right. That's one. I would have to say like wedding photos, right? Yeah. Where they're the one married? Yeah. Yeah. Like, because it's just confusing.

Unless it's like, hey, we're opening up our relationship, blah, blah, blah. Oh, for sure. That's a totally different thing to just being like, oh, no, that's my ex. Or when you're in a wedding dress and, like, you've edited out and you can just see the floating tuxedo. Yeah, yeah. If you have that little pictures that you look good in that you you're like, well, gotta throw down the wedding photo. Yeah. Or like, I don't know.

I just feel like it sends out really strange vibes. Just fucking do your makeup and ask your friend to take a picture of you. Yeah. Just, you know what I mean? Like, it's not hard to get a good picture. Also, there's filters. Like, that's, I mean, I'm gonna go right, the fucking dog filter. Oh, any filter.

What are you doing? No. Dan's like, the rabbit filter? That's hot. Everything else? Any, like, any, like, there's the one that, like, makes your eyes bigger and whatever. any filter what are you doing no dan's like the rabbit filter that's hot well anything else any like any like there's the one that like makes your eyes bigger and whatever like it's stupid but like there's something about the fucking dog filter that i'm just like why they all defeat the purpose yeah if you're using something that obscures your face like i might as well post a balaclava picture

i mean like you're like these two eyes a little bandana over your face yeah this is what i would look like if i was a cowboy like what's the point i hate that and that's like to that end like any of the like eye widening like whatever don't do it yeah like what are you doing you should just like look how you look any description where they're like i'm a bitch you. You're like, okay. Yeah. Even you don't like you? What? Yeah. If you put in your Tinder profile, like, the most specific what you're looking for, I'm just like, nope.

Even if I'm those things, nope. And if you're just like, I want to meet a guy who's 5'9 and a half. He needs to have, like, a 9-inch cock. He has to make this much money. He has to drive this car. He needs to have this kind of apartment in this area this is like all right cool then like just you mean dave you want dave yeah just go in that like area she's just like hoping break into condo buildings and just fucking chase people around that's because that's just as crazy yeah like for me anything

where you're just like bad mouthing yourself in your own description, where you're just like, I'm like hard to get along with. I'm mean, you probably won't like me very much. Like I'm a bit, you know, anything like that.

I don't get that. Old people. I don't want to see them. Like you with old people. Um, no, I, there was also,

I had another folder in my phone from Tinder, and it was people, like, posing with their, like, nearly dead fucking relatives. Like, there was, I have one. I'm honestly, after this. Soon to be RIP, granny. Yeah, and it's like, they're in a hospital bed. Like, I can see the, like, oxygen tubes.

Like, I don't, I don't want to see your dying relatives yeah again i just don't like understand how you could be so tone deaf to be like well i look good like i think some people think it look makes them look like they're like family oriented makes you look like you don't understand what you're doing yeah it makes you be like hey i'm using my grandpa as a prop to get you you know, clit into the mattress. To clit someone right through the sheets. Yeah. Yeah.

Group pictures where no one has any idea which one you are. Yes. Yeah. If you are like, you know, a medium sized brunette with blue eyes, but also all of your friends are the same goddamn description. And then you're just like, here's like seven pictures where there's at least four of us in every picture and there's at least like two people in the same picture it's like yeah who the fuck are you unless it's like uh like it's a riddle you have to figure out which one she is and that's the only way you get the date that'd be fun that would be fun oh that would actually be a very funny idea for a tinder

profile yeah just all group shots and then you have clues like an escape room, but it's an entry room into her dating sphere. Damn it. I just had another one. Old people. God damn it. Old people. I don't want to see them. Young people.

Yeah. I mean, like maybe don't have pictures of children. But like, have you ever done one where it's literally just a picture of the kid? Oh no. I've had one where like it's a picture of them as a child and i'm just like oh no what who what net are you casting here yeah i have one where like you swipe and you see a kid and then i guess it's their kid and i guess they're trying to get across that they have a child which is cool and all but like when it's just a kid you're like whoa what

what are you trying to sell here because i think that's illegal yeah or like people who post pictures where it's like you know they're like three fourths myspace angle and it's just like here's a shot like down my shirt and also like my ass my like my bare ass in it and then in your description be like not looking for hookups serious inquiries only it's like you look like a porn ad like you look like one of those shitty like hook up with local signal singles ads on pornhub yeah um if you actually want a serious inquiry don't don't look like a shitty porn ad i'm sure i'm sure there's someone listening who's like no you're allowed to express sexuality and like that's cool but you're literally sending out two different but it's like you then can't look at a dude who's like shirtless and wearing or like holding a big fish and be like, that guy's a douchebag.

Because I promise you that person would say the exact same thing to that person. Maybe. They'd be like, that guy's a douche. It's like, look, if you're upset with, you know, the shirtless mirror selfie with the guy sort of like pulling his pants down a bit so you can see his underwear and those like, you know, the hip ab things. Do they have a name? The sex you know the name the sex muscles yeah the sex muscles the hot part of the guy and and if you're like what a fucking asshole it's like that's how we feel about girls who i think it's more like if you have like a picture of you and your boxers with your bulge and it's like you're posing and you're like languidly like flexing in every picture and you're like serious relationships only yeah back off i don't fuck all right yeah not a fuck boy yeah it's like well all evidence is pointing otherwise you have a tattoo that says titties no so and it's t-i-d-d-i-e-s

um this one actually comes through like a two agent correspondence i think it was uh hansen agent fuck fuck yeah um we really should start a list but their their friend messaged them to message us um and again keeping with my holiday theme agent easter bunny i'm gonna beat you to death with this microphone. Agent Garland. This is a little more serious, so I'm going to get my serious voice on. I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not. No, it is.

I just do. Oh, shit. I've started seeing a new girl, and we really get along. However, I have a tendency to self-sabotage my relationships because I also suffer from depression, especially this time of year. Sometimes I need to retreat from things and take some time to myself how do i tell her that it's nothing to do with her without scaring her off and still keeping her interested in me i think uh you just gotta be open is the most like important thing like if you try and come up with like weird excuses or like if you don't say anything about it like that leaves

room for somebody to think it's about them or that's something else yeah you know and you don't say anything about it, like that leaves room for somebody to think it's about them or that's something else. Yeah. You know? Because if you're like, oh, I'm just going to go out of town for a while and then for whatever reason. Canoeing down. Yeah, like you're in the grocery store or canoeing down something in Toronto. Yonge Street, yeah. But you know what I mean?

Or like you accidentally like go on Facebook Messenger and still have your like, you know, your location service. Just like something. If they see that you're lying to them, they're not going to think, oh, he's lying because or she's lying because. Oh, there's a good reason for this. Yeah. They're not going to like, oh, they're doing it because they like me and they don't want me to think less of them. They're saying, oh, they're fucking around that they don't like me or they're being weird you know yeah i think i think the big concern is like how do you have that conversation of being like hey i know we're like super new but i suffer from a mental illness that's pretty serious um and like not scare them off well i think like these days like depression isn't as like kind of like rarer to do like everybody knows someone who has it or suffer from it so like it's a lot more out there so i think like if there was ever a time for people to be like i don't think there's ever

a time where people would be better receptive than these days right yeah no for sure and for all you know they suffer with the same thing or something similar or like at least understand it you know or have a family member so you don't actually know at the same time you don't necessarily have to in so many words say it you could be like look i'm like super drained at the moment um or like this time of year like always gets me bogged you know you can just say the symptoms are not necessarily the cause right you can just be like i am just fucking wrecked because i had to deal with all this shit or like this time of year always gets me down or like i think it's like a seasonal thing like i'm really wrecked but i do want to see you so like i'm gonna take two days to like recoup get my shit together to do some adulting

and i will see you on saturday yeah i'm pretty sure no one's gonna be like that's fucked yeah like with anything in life regardless of whether or not you suffer from a mental illness or not or you live with a mental illness or not uh self-compassion and self-care is so important you shouldn't be getting into a relationship if you're not at 100 and i and i don't mean that as in like an arbitrary 100 i mean like 100 for you whatever that is for you um because the second if you if you're looking for someone to sort of like complete or fill in the gaps it's so much strain on the other person and that's how like tensions and resentment and stuff build up. If there's a habit of self-sabotage, I think maybe it would be

worthwhile to take a step back and, uh, maybe not pursue relationships for a while as well. I know that might not be the best, uh, thing or the thing that you want to hear um but maybe sort of finding solutions and finding ways to uh ensure your happiness um sort of when you're by yourself it would be helpful because then once you meet someone you'll you'll have all those tools you have that shit kind of on lock they can sort of like assist as opposed to replace you know i mean like they're they're not filling in the gaps they're just sort of like uh running point on on assisting you and filling in the gaps yeah i also think like ironically if you like you're worried that you trying to take the time out or tell somebody is going to sabotage things but if you don't you are going to sabotage things 100 because you're either going to run yourself ragged trying to pretend you're okay which you're probably not going to be 100% around them you're probably not

going to have the energy or like the temperament to like have fun with them or you're gonna just dip out with no real reason and either one of those two things i think is gonna be really detrimental more so than you being honest being like I need a bit of time to myself. Yeah. Also, this isn't really dating advice, this is more health advice, but seasonal depression is a huge thing. Like it is a thing that exists and a lot of people suffer from it. I myself dealt with it a lot in my younger years

until I sort of like figured out what it was and that was actually what was happening to me. But like every winter I would get really shitty and really miserable. And then someone someone had suggested like, oh, it might be seasonal depression. I looked into it and like, yeah, it was. And I sort of just like identifying problems like I didn't really I never took medication and i was a therapist i never did anything other than uh i took vitamin d supplements because that's tends to be like a big part of seasonal depression is you're deficient in vitamin d because the sun is you know what i mean like if you work a nine to five you get like an hour of sun on the way to work and then by the time

you leave it's dark well did you know this past month was a record-breaking lack of sunshine in Toronto? Yeah. So, like, it totally makes sense that... And also, like, the holidays can be stressful for people. Like, I think there's, like, two camps where, like, I love the holidays and I get fucking crazy excited about it, but I also understand, like, people who are in lower incomes or people who have family troubles and, like, all that shit,

that's just, like, an added layer of stress. Or even just stress or even just the like the holidays while fun even if you do love them they are stressful because you have to do a lot of shit yeah like depending on the weather sucks yeah so i would i would look into two things one i would look into just read about seasonal depression and see if it resonates with you if if it's uh if it's something that that sort of strikes a chord with you um consider getting a vitamin's, uh, if it's something that, that sort of strikes a chord with you, um, consider getting a vitamin D lamp. I can't remember what they're called, but they are, uh, they're similar to like tanning beds, but they're not going to tan you, but they do give, uh, it's like a special light bulb that gives you sort of like a vitamin D boost. And like,

so if you spend a lot of time at a desk, either at work or at home or whatever, um, just pop one of those bad boys on your desk lamp and, or just right you can yeah or you can or you can get some uh multivitamins and like vitamin d supplements um there are like the the normal one that you get like if you just go to the grocery store or the the drugstore and pick up vitamin d they're usually not the right ones there's a i can't remember that i should have done a little more research. But like, again, if you look up seasonal depression, they will usually link the correct dosage of vitamin C. Yeah. And like, obviously, if you know, like, you already have depression and you've been dealing with it anyway, like, that's not going to solve that. But if it does get worse this time of year, maybe it'll help get, like, lessen kind of that blow if that is a contributing factor yeah and

like again for me my i've i sort of like figured it once i realized what it was i was like okay cool i know what's coming and i was like i'm not gonna let you know i mean you you able you can bolster your defenses a little bit more you know i mean like when you know the beast that you're fighting you're a little more well prepared yeah i just think you know be beast that you're fighting, you're a little more well-prepared. Yeah. I just think, you know, be,

be open and honest. And like the, also the good thing is like, if you are like forthright with this person and they're just like, yeah, I can handle that. Or like, they're not willing to give you any time or space kind of thing. Then you're doing yourself a favor because that's not going to change in two

or three months or whatever, you know, necessarily. And then it's going to be worse for you because you put in that time that effort maybe at your own expense if you're expending all this extra energy without time to yourself and then it's going to hurt because you're going to like the more presumably in two or three months and you'll put all this time and effort in whereas if you kind of let them know now as much as it might suck if it doesn't work out it's generally for the better for yourself.

You know? Yeah. And also, like, if it does shake out that way, try not to hold any malice towards them. Unless they're shitty about it. But if they just sort of are like, hey, I got, like, this kind of thing going on in my life, too. And maybe this isn't the best recipe for success. It's like, as much as you have things going on in your life and issues that you're dealing with uh everyone's got their own life as well so um try not to take it as a personal slight try not to let that sort of like spiral you deeper down into the hole yeah just

just maybe like take a moment be like okay well they they might be working through some things too yeah they might realize that they're not able to be there for someone or like if they're dealing with their own shit like they might not have extra energy to like try and help with that you know what i mean exactly um also like they might have they might be actually quite compassionate like maybe their crutches like alcohol or drugs or whatever and they're just like well you know i deal with it in this way maybe i I'm not going to drag someone else down into a, into a substance abuse problem. You know what I mean? Like there's so many reasons why someone might not want to stick around. Don't let that add to like, yeah. Cause it's always sucks. If you are honest with somebody about something like this and it doesn't go your way and it can like

lead to you being like more uncomfortable or more worried about the next time. Right. And like totally understandable, but that's not going to help. And it's also not necessarily fair to yourself or the other person, depending. Exactly. Unless they're shit about it. In which case, fuck them.

Yeah. If they're just like, Oh, you're crazy. Then, you know, whatever. Yeah.

Assholes. Yeah. They're a dick. But yeah, be honest and good luck. We believe in you. We do. All right.

I got a quick one. Does girl want to ask out, but don't know if I should. I met this girl about two months ago, and she's amazing. She cooks. She games. She's responsible and mature. She's living with two friends who are also great. We met at work.

I started hanging out after she invited me to join a video project her and her friends are doing. Her and I have spent time together, one-on-one, only once, and since then we've chilled three times. It's always with her friends at her place. I want to ask her out, but I don't want to make things awkward or cause a division amongst her and her friends. Plus, I do want to help with the filming. I'm going over to hang out again soon. Should I go for it?

Oh, boy. I would say if this project is kind of a cool thing, I would maybe hold off. Yeah, like if your job is film production in some sense, you know what I mean? Like, if that's your field, figure out what your priority is. Yeah. If this is a project that could help you, work on the project. Because you can always, like, yeah, that's the thing. If it's, like, a super cool, like, career move or, like, a passion project or something that you're, like, genuinely excited about and aren't just kind of trying to get in with her a little bit more then yeah maybe see if the risk because it is always possible if you try and ask her out she

won't feel comfortable working on you with it and you know that is a risk um so figure out for yourself if it's worth the possibility of losing that if it is i don't really see the issue with asking around like it's not you know sounds like you guys get on just don't do it in a weird way yeah don't be fucking creepy about it. Yeah. And like, I can't, I can't see why it would make any difference to her friends. Like if her friends like you. Yeah.

You're in a better position. Yeah. I don't think they're going to care. Yeah. I would say again, like go for it. Always go for it. You know what I mean? Like if, if you guys are getting along, then fuck it. Yeah. Make a move. Yeah. Go for it. go for it you know what i mean like yeah if if you guys are getting along

then fuck it yeah make a move yeah go for it just don't be weird and like the thing is if you're cool and respectful and nice and like you ask her and she's like look i'm sorry you can probably still be fucking friends again unless you screw it up and are weird and you can probably still work on the project unless you screw it up and are weird. Yeah. If you, if you, again, be clear and be direct with your intentions. Cause like if you guys have had a habit and a rhythm of, you know, hanging out and just being platonic and, you know, playing games and shit. Yeah. And there's been no sort of romantic undertones being like, Hey, do you want to like go to

this bar? It's that isn't indicative of a date. No, that's a, hey, hang out with me, which, again, could lead to one, but unless you're clear, which you need to be, just be like, you know, get her by herself, because it is always kind of weird to be like, hey, other two people in the room,

I'm just going to drop this right now. Boom, boom, boom, figure pistols. Yeah, don't ask her in front of her friends. No, just be like, hey, I assume she's your point of contact between the other two, that's how it sounds. So just sounds so just be like hey you want to meet up for a drink or coffee or whatever and then when you do meet up and you're like away from their overshadow um you can just be like this is really fun like do you want to go out on a date yeah and if she says no we're like okay cool whatever i hope this doesn't make anything awkward. Like, I'm still totally down to do the video project.

And then you guys will probably be great friends. Yeah. But I would say, you know what, like, again, I don't know how long they've been hanging out. Sounds pretty fresh. Yeah. Do the video project. Two months ago. And see what it's like to be a little more, in a different scenario with her because like i've on almost all

of my projects ended up kind of dating someone i work with on set in one form or the other this guy no let's just say i held his boom you did hold my pole oh that would have made a funnier joke damn it and that's the thing like you're not not where i should go off it didn't i know my alarm has gone off all episodes i'm sure you all know um you're like yeah you're in no rush unless you're like about to die which i hope not um you can like i don't know what this extensive video project is but if it's like a month or like a week you know that's reasonable right unless like a feature length like five i don't know yeah or like a like you know that's reasonable right unless like a feature length like five i don't know yeah or like a like an ongoing web series yeah weekly youtube thing but even then

like if you do the first few like you can you can still like work with them and like maybe that's gonna be a super cool experience maybe it'll bring you closer together right just like i think you gotta make sure you're doing it for like because you want to do it yeah like you can't again like what we mentioned earlier don't do it hoping to gain like sex currency yeah exactly if you're if you're interested in this project do it if you're doing it strictly to like if you're doing it for other reasons don't fucking do it yeah or like just fuck the project and make the move you know just be like i'm interested let's have a date yeah let's go out i think like again in any of these situations like if you're not a douchebag about it you'll probably be fine

you know i mean worse comes to worse they say no you guys get to move on with your relationship and be like friends or colleagues or you know yeah and the thing is is like if you're her friend strictly because you want to like move into a romantic relationship and like that's how romantic relationships exist almost always you know i mean like you start as a friend then you progress unless you're like or you meet someone yeah like you've never got that time to become just friends yeah true um but like if if that's the nature of your relationship or if that's like the goal of your relationship then it's like it's not really a big deal if you don't if you're not friends anymore yeah exactly you know what i mean like if if the reason you're

friends is because you want to date her yeah then they're not being friends and then you don't date her or she's not interested in dating you then like fuck it that there's no reason to be friends with her as shitty as that sounds but like well no there's no net like necessity right like unless it's your only friend you know what i mean like, that's why people get worked up. It's like, shit, I think I, like all these movies where like, I fell for my best friend. It's like, cool, yeah.

There's stakes there because you're going to lose this best friendship. If it's just like, oh, I met this girl. It's like, you're not going to be bummed. You just don't want to lose them. Yeah. In terms of a potential partner. You probably don't give a shit about losing as a friend.

Yeah. Because they're barely your friend. You just met them. So I don't know. Weigh up your options. But I say go for it. Just don't be a dick. I also say go for it.

But shower your dick. Oh, no. But only when you're sitting on the toilet. Don't do that. You know what? Find a podcast you listen to and sexually harass them like we've been getting all week. Yeah.

Ask them if they can hack messages because that makes sense doesn't even make sense it's not like they're even coming on to us they're either about to send us a weird threat or i don't know send us be like this person hack them yeah like maybe they know about the agent thing and they think this is like a cover. Agent. You said... Did you say agent? I said agent, but like, I slurred my words. I know what it sounds like. Okay.

It's like, what are you talking about? That's it. The end times. The apocalypse, guys. Let's do the goodbyes and then I'm going to hit us with another excerpt and then maybe some Dan. Okay. Okay. Bye. Thanks. Okay. Bye.

Thanks for listening. If you have any questions you want to send to us or, you know, want to get our opinions on something. Or you want to ask us to do illegal things with IT online. Yeah, some sort of cyber crime you want to request from us. If he wants to black hat something for you, go for it. You can email us at fbuddies buddies podcast at gmail.com you can hit us up on twitter at fck underscore buddies or you can find us on facebook where you can ask

us to commit online crimes yeah um facebook.com fck buddies podcast emphasis on the podcast we are a fucking podcast. Yeah, thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Seas, for the song Paper Stars. You did it. I was going to fuck it up on purpose, but you had so much hope in your eyes. I did. Thanks for listening, guys. We really do appreciate it.

Keep them questions coming, and let us know if you agree or disagree with anything we say. Yeah. We want this to be a conversation. We're here to learn too. Okay, you guys want another bullshit some terrible writing? I'm ready. Okay, I think I'm going to go with the first one. Please. Man, even the title.

So this is by Scoundrels, The Hunt for Handsclap by Major Victor Cornwall and Major Arthur St. John Trevalon. Empty my tanks, I begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep into her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly

chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enameled pepper mill within her. I hope they're robots. What?

I can read it again. I don't ever want to hear any of those words in that order ever again. Slowly chugging my organ. What does that mean? Well, it's like when a boar constrictor swallows its prey. Soon he was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enameled pepper mill within her. That is 100% what I would describe it.

If someone was like, I've never had sex. Yeah. I will never be able to have sex. What does the inside of a vagina feel like? Yeah. Enamel and pepper grinder are the two words I would use to describe it. Yeah. Oh god.

I'm not even sure if that's the worst one. If it's not, I don't want to be I can do another one. I don't want to hear another one. Are we waiting until next week? Yes. Okay. I need to recover. Yeah. I laughed my hole off. I've been waiting a whole week to fucking show you these. These are so bad I want to grind my own dick in a fucking pepper mill. Oh, I laughed my whole off. I've been waiting a whole week to fucking show you these.

These are so bad, I want to grind my own dick in a fucking pepper mill. Oh, I brought one. Perfect. Is it enamel? It is. Perfect. It's next to the butterflies. That's what a flashlight is.

All right, hit me with a Dan. Okay. So you guys know the drill by now. Dan's a dickhead. Yeah. Dan's an asshole that we found on Twitter. So Dan says, how do you get an ex back without seeming like you're pressuring her into it i love how he says without seeming yeah he's not

like yeah he's doing he's 100 pressuring her into it but he wants to seem like he isn't fuck you oh dan we had such hope for you last week oh yeah no these are all out of like order there's no oh okay There's no hope. Oh, okay. There's no hope whatsoever. Oh, goddammit, Dan. Well, I had a little bit of hope for you. I never did.

My name is Dan Miller. And I'm Al Spang. And we're your fuck buddies. Good night. you you you