F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 12 - Cheese String Dick Leash

Episode Date: December 17, 2018

Hello, friends!  This week, we are finally showing our true colours as absolute non-professionals by accidentally recording on our laptop mic instead of our real mic which means the audio quality is a little janky (especially for the first few minutes), but it does get a little better once we get to the questions.  We figured a lower quality episode is better than no episode, so we apologize and we'll be back with our sweet, sweet voices next week.  Topics include bad kisser training, rejection preparation, dick bondage, condom etiquette and orgy sustenance. 

Hi friends, I'm just popping in real quick before the episode starts to apologize and let you know that we done goofed a little bit this week and recorded on our laptop microphone instead of our real microphone. So the audio quality this week is not the best, particularly the first couple minutes. It does get better once we start doing the questions, but we open whispering as we do and uh it does not bode well for us um but like i said once we get into the questions about like two or three minutes and we uh we do sound better you can actually hear us um hopefully this will be the only time this happens we we know what went wrong and we fucked up um so this won't happen again

fingers crossed um if this is the first time listening to the podcast we don't always sound like this it is uh it is usually of much higher audio quality um but i hope you enjoy the episode anyways and we will see you next week sounding much better I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I am Miles Spade

Good afternoon We are your fuck buddies Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I am Miles Spade. Good afternoon. We are your fuck buddies. We tried so hard to be quiet that time. Actually, it was worse. Happy birthday! Thank you, Danny. I appreciate it.

I like these. I'm a year older. I'm a year wiser. I've come to bring my wisdom to this table that is not in fact a table, but it's a cardboard box and a cutting board covered in paint. It's also sitting on top of a rolling plastic storage unit I got from Walmart. I didn't know what to call that, so I decided not to mention it. It's in wisdom. This very table.

Welcome. Welcome back, guys. How we doing? We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. We sex questions. I'm worried that this isn't going to be loud enough for anyone to hear. Is it louder now? Or now?

Yep, there it is. That's the one. I can't even pretend to be more mature for like fucking three minutes. I know. This is actually not bad. I'll tell you. I think it's a pretty accurate old-fashioned. You know what? Yeah. It's not the. Like, it's a pretty accurate old-fashioned. Eh, you know what? Yeah, it's not the best, but it's definitely not the worst.

We're drinking pre-made old-fashioned from a bottle. Oh, shit. On our quality control level of liquor, that means this can be our worst episode yet. Hmm. Oh, I don't know. This has to be the cheapest shit we've ever drank. I don't know. Probably.

Yeah. At least in terms know. Probably. Yeah. At least in terms of beer time. Yeah. I think the beer and cider date was probably, because like one can of cider is only like three bucks. That's fair. Yeah. Well, here's our podcast where we talk about the pricing of alcohol.

This is our alcohol pricing guide. So what do you think about the new $4, I don't know, fucking buck a beer. We did it! This is the earliest we've ever recorded, I think. This is also going to be the freshest episode you've ever received

straight to your loins because we're recording this almost the day you're listening to it. Almost. Fuck you, holiday schedules. Do you want to just get into it? Do you have anything to talk about? We're real well prepared, guys.

Yeah. Go, start off. I'll start it off. Kick us into gear. How's your week been? It's been good. It's been fucking crazy. I'm a bartender and I don't know if we've ever talked about that

um but uh it's Christmas season so it's just been like non-stop Christmas parties all the time it's just been fuckery

all week and I've been lucky I've usually those parties are kind of a nightmare because people are fucking assholes but

every party I've worked the people have been so nice and they've like it's usually like an open bar but they've still been throwing money at us. That's nice. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Also, if you're ever at a party, like an office party or whatever, and there's a bartender, and you give us money, we're going to serve you first. Yeah. Also, we're going to really appreciate it. That too. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, if you're not paying for any drinks, toss us a five or ten dollars. Twenty. Yeah, like like the second

you give me a 20 bill it's like i don't care how many people are in front of you i'm i'm skipping them and getting you a drink yeah i know it's my usual like standard if i'm at a place where it's an open bar i'll drop down at least 20 yeah same thing like if i'm ever at a wedding i'm just like it's like it's the shit you're gonna be there you probably have you would have spent that on two or three drinks that's the thing it's like if i'm i'm going to be drinking a lot if it's the shit you're going to be probably... You would have spent that on two or three drinks anyway. That's the thing. It's like, if I'm going to be drinking a lot, if it's an open bar, and there's no way I would be drinking less than $20. Nope. So, why the fuck wouldn't I?

Yeah. Well, now this is our tipping podcast. All right, let's get into... Let's do this one. Nah, I don't like that one. This one comes from an unfortunately named person. Um, on Reddit, BananaCreamPie123. Okay.

And they ask, What are your thoughts on a bad kisser? Would it be an automatic deal breaker? Would you let your partner know? Give them a chance to improve. Ooh. I don't know. I'll be fine with bad kissers.

Yeah. I hate it personally me too it's one of the worst things but I'll usually give them a chance because I find sometimes they're not even necessarily a bad well okay they're usually a bad kisser but sometimes they just have a slightly different style

or rhythm or whatever and usually if you give them enough time they'll either learn by copying what you do like match it's almost like leading a dance yeah so you kind of show them the way and if they just cannot fucking get their shit together you you can't do it it's there's nothing worse it's like the first sign of incompatibility if if like you can't get that kissing rhythm down yeah like making it is one of the best things. It's not like sex where you actually have to commit to it. You can make out for two minutes in the morning or at night

and really not go anywhere with it, but it's still a hell of a satisfaction. You can do what you want, which is pretty great. But if you're living in fear, because then that shit kiss could happen at any point. That's the terror, right? It also weirds me. I encountered it a lot in high school and stuff

when people were still figuring their shit out. It weirds me out when you're 30 and you're a bad kisser. I'm just like, where? How have you gotten this time without who led you astray like were you a good kisser and then you dated a bad kisser and you thought that's how kissing worked yeah or just no one ever told you yeah and i'm not trying to kiss shame people it's like everyone has their their levels of uh adequacy at things um but yeah no it's always weirded me out where i'm just like you're a grown-ass adult yeah how do you not know that like your tongues shouldn't be rigid and like

penetrating my mouth yeah like teeth should never connect yeah i once made out with a girl who literally like put her teeth in a ring around my like planted her teeth on my face around my lips and then would just like fucking peck out my mouth with her tongue and like i literally had a row of teeth around my mouth like i have bad news was it you i believe that was a succubus i think she may be trying to extract your soul yeah it was fucking like it was bad um and like it was so bad that like after it ended i was like looking at her like was this a It was so bad that after it ended, I was looking at her like, was this a joke? Was this some

deep con? I'm not sure to this day it could be the longest con ever known, but how do you not know that's the worst? I once had a girl who kissed as if she was fucking. Yeah.

Like, she... We would kiss, and then it would be fine. Closed mouth, the kissing was fine. But the second the mouth opened, she would use her tongue as a dick and my mouth as its receptacle, and would

penetrate my mouth with her tongue. And I was just like, what are you doing? What are you trying to accomplish here and like i don't know it was really uncomfortable i think one of my favorite like witnessing a bad kiss second hand was a friend of friend of the show he was with this girl who was pretty damn hot but whenever she was making out she like moaned like they were fucking. So, like, they're making out, and she's like, and, like, you could just see his eye, like, open and, like, look around, and then I met his eye, and we're both just, like, so uncomfortable. He's, like, shrugging, like, how do I get out? It was great.

Don't do that, guys. Yeah, I mean, like, I guess, like, if it's natural, sure, but, like, if you're doing it to simulate enjoyment. Yeah, it didn't seem natural, and, like, if it's natural, sure, but, like, if you're doing it to simulate enjoyment. Yeah, it didn't seem natural, and, like, no, it just, it was. There was nothing natural about it. I, like, get the feeling, like, no matter when or where she kisses, that's what she does, right? Yeah. Because, like, this is just a party.

They were, like, on the couch, you know what I mean, in a room full of people. Super fucking weird. Yeah. Don't do that. usually i i i would give them a chance i would because like my one of my uh exes when i first started sleeping with her she was rather inexperienced like i think she had like maybe slept with one other person one or two times prior um And she was not the best. And it was one of those things where I think,

you know, I think I mentioned it before, but she was working too hard. And like, no matter what position we were in, she was also like trying to, and I was like, it's like, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but you can like, you can sort of like, you know, dial you can like you can sort of like you know dial up

release and sort of like let me take care of things in certain positions and then like in other positions you'll be in charge and you'll get to set the pace um but like if you don't have good rhythm to begin with trying to thrust on rhythm with someone else's rhythm is like yeah it's just a good way to like either just never feel any sort of friction or just like constantly be like oh i'm out i'm out again and then you're just living in the broken dick exactly um should have gotten there a metronome yeah well it's like we've fucked music a lot and like i inadvertently like fall into the rhythm of songs. Yeah, that's the danger. It's kind of hard not to, right?

Yeah. I feel like if you have any sort of internal rhythm, it just kind of happens. Which is weird, because I've found that a lot of people are like, are you fucking to the beat right now? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, really into it? So I'm like, it's not a common thing. It has to be, though.

It's impossible to not like yeah but i'm pretty sure even like if you want to regulate your heartbeat you can watch uh uh like a clock tick and your heart will start following that because your body is just like set to attune itself to rhythms yeah and yeah but i had so many women like comment on it and be like surprised and impressed by it i'm just like it's honestly i usually don't fuck the music and part of it is just like i hate when you're like fucking and then the song changes and it's a lot quicker and like it's really hard to not that's why you curate playlists my man oh no yeah no i've i've had i think i mentioned this before i had disastrous things right just throw on like youtube you know they have like autoplay and sometimes autoplay can get real weird event like

there was this one notable time where like a documentary on caravans came on yeah it was like well this is weird I don't want to extricate myself from this and

turn that off but like you Spotify but like I sponsored but I had a playlist set specifically to the same BPM that's just no

that's too much no crap you weirdo it's also like that's something i enjoy like i don't know yeah but but it just ended up being like a really sexy playlist all my playlists are fucking all over the shop yeah well i mean like now if you listen to my fucking spotify it's well now it's ruined we've ruined yeah it's it's like ocean gangster rap and fucking, uh, like, orchestra, like, epic

battle music from D&D. Hell yeah. You know what? We need to listen to Ocean Man more. Can that be our intro song? I wish. Fucking Ween? I'd love Ween. Ween? Yeah, Ween's the name of the band. The more you know. Um, but yes, give people a

chance. Uh, I don't know if necessarily telling them they're a bad kisser is a good idea but sort of um be be uh be a little aggressive with your like guidance yeah like show them the way you know honestly whenever i've met someone who's been really bad at kissing they have generally gotten over it pretty quickly. They usually come out of it like they match your kind of kissing rhythm and like get their shit together like you just kind of gotta show them.

I think if they don't I don't know I guess you kind of gotta figure out whether or not it is a deal breaker or not and then maybe say it to them because at that point you've nothing left to lose and if they get very offended which they probably will, then you might just end it for yourself anyway. Yeah.

But, like, give them a shot. Give them a shot, yeah, and sort of take the lead on it, and then... What if you're the bad kisser? Uh-oh. Shit. Look at their face. Did you leave a ring of teeth on their face? It's your fault. That is one of the, uh... one of the things where I'm just like,

when I first started having sex with multiple people, I would come across people who were bad, and I'm just like, what if this is how it's supposed to be? And I'm just sort of failing. I think you can generally figure out what's good and what isn't. Mix them up. Yeah. You know, I mean, like, I quickly figured out that sometimes people are just bad at things.

Yeah. You got a question? I don't know. Okay. Well, it's been our podcast. Thank you to Josh Eagle. Where? Okay, this one's really long, but, uh, fuck it. Let's go into Eagle. Where? Okay, this one's

really long, but fuck it. Let's go into it. I'm ready. I got a drink. Even thinking about asking out grills makes my heart jump into panic mode. Like, my fire alarm went off in the middle of the night a few days ago. I sprung out of bed like a loaded spring, ran up to

the main hall, thinking the Russians were invading. It just turned out to be the fire alarm acting weird, but my heart went crazy, adrenaline or whatever they call it. It's a similar feeling to how I feel asking girls out, just to put it into perspective. What to do? Tinder is scary. Dating is scary. Asking out girls is scary. The fact that you have to go through hundreds of rejections or something like that, according to this subreddit, for maybe a handful of dates, sounds horrifying to be honest. And that you have to have a lot of hobbies and maybe a handful of dates sounds horrifying to be honest and you that you have to have a lot of hobbies and earn a lot of money to even consider to even be considered

makes it seem even more daunting thankfully i'm above 180 centimeters so that's something i really feel sorry for short guys okay and i'm normal weight and i work out a lot which probably puts me an average or below average at the very least in terms of competition compared to other guys. How do you guys deal with this? Dating feels scary and confusing. It feels like filling out work applications more than having fun. At least filing out work applications is mostly free, aside from paper costs and sending it, but when dating as a man, you have to pay the date, which would probably end up expensive

if you date a lot, and then you have to have a car and own your own apartment or house, which also is super expensive. Reposting it here. I really feel like this is hampering any chances when dating. It shouldn't be this complicated. Well, we don't need that. We're just, like, saying, like, to another four pages of the... Well, no, it's the end. They met... His grandparents met on a, like, an archaeological site.

His dad asked his mom out about a helicopter, apparently. That's weird. It just seems to happen anywhere, but I don't get it. You're not supposed to... Although, to be fair, that's setting the standard pretty high. Yeah. Like, your archaeologist parents meeting on a fucking helicopter? No, the grandparents are archaeologists.

The parents met on a helicopter. So it's like a whole generational thing of just being solid. Although, he's probably freaking out. He could have met someone in the sweet fire drill. Right? That's the thing. Like,

you know, you're both cold and shivering outside and like... Well, if there's a fire, fires come from somewhere, there's probably a grill involved. Is this what his question is?

He's scared of grills. Yeah. Is he... So he just says, it just seems to happen anywhere. I don't get it. You are not allowed or supposed to ask out people in public, in the boutique,

shopping mall, gym, school, bar, club, bus, train, or boat.

The only option seems to be dating apps like Tinder, since everyone is there to date, but even then, I have read that people use Tinder to find friends and not date. 19-year-old male, Finland. A lot of question marks. Yeah.

This kind of ties in. I don't have like a specific question but like everything i saw this week there and like since we started looking for questions um are people being like online dating is the worst and like is it worth it and i feel shit when i do it and i feel you know it meets a lot of people like airing their insecurities because they don't get matches so i think that will also tie into this um fuck where do i even want to start with this like i think it's a it's a lot i think the first thing is you're not competing with anyone yeah i like if that's the way you're approaching dating

like if you're being like i'm one guy and every other guy is competition you're gonna get into a real weird like jealousy insecurity inadequacy thing real fast because i promise you there's always someone who's making more money than you who's taller than you who's better looking than you who's more in shape than you you know what i mean and if you keep using other guys as like a measuring stick you're gonna fall short yeah always yeah i felt like he introduced that as like, he was looking for reasons to be like, I won't be fucked when I try this because I've this and I've this. And like, and even after listing some things that seem pretty positive,

he's like, maybe I'll be almost average. And it's like, dude, like fucking chill. He's, he's looking at everything the wrong way, you know?

Yeah. Like, like there is no average, especially when it comes to dating. Cause like, everybody's got a different chase. Right. and it's so painful like it doesn't matter like 187 me like cool i'm like no one gives a fuck really yeah well i mean no but if they do you don't really give a shit do you because you're that fucking shallow like it's the one like weird

thing about like modern dating where girls are obsessed with guys height like almost on like every female tinder profile there's like i'm this tall you must be taller or like only date guys who are over six feet and like cool but like but then you're probably an asshole yeah and also just i don't know my thing somewhat this is kind of like a common rhetoric but like imagine if guys were that way but like wait i know or something you don't mean it's like i can't make myself any taller but like you could lose weight so why is why is it any any different from me being like sorry only girls who are like between this yeah no it's it's stupid and it's fucked up i'd be such an asshole and like i understand like i agree that's an asshole thing to do the same way I think that like if you are

specifically looking for someone of a certain height yeah you're an asshole same thing with like I don't know I guess it comes

from this weird like society standard where like the women the woman the woman the woman is meant to be

like small but like yeah I mean like when my girlfriend wears heels she's taller than me yeah

um and like it doesn't bother me at all I had someone the other day be like oh man she's taller than me. Yeah. And, like, it doesn't bother me at all. I had someone the other day be like, oh, man, girlfriend's taller than you. That sucks. I was like, does it? Yeah. I don't know.

Wow, being insecure about your height's related to your girlfriend. That sucks. Yeah. I was just like, I don't. Yeah, like, why the fuck does it matter? She's a fucking baby. She's with me. Like, I don't give a shit.

Also, you could wear high heels, too, so suck it. Yeah. Maybe I'll start wearing heels. Yeah. What do you think about that, random dude? like, I don't give a shit. Also, you could wear high heels, too, so suck it. Yeah, maybe I'll start wearing heels. Yeah, what do you think about that, random dude? Nah, you look so sexy in heels. What? I don't know if I would. Actually, I would.

My legs are pretty fucking poppin'. Yeah, they're good legs. Yeah. But I feel like I'd have to shave, because I have fairly hairy legs. You want to see that calf definition of wearing heels? You just need to wait. You need to wait one week and one day from this recording. Put on your heels. Walk out with them legs and say,

Harry Sexmas. Make Amanda's Christmas. I think she'd break up with me immediately. I don't think she would. No, I don't think she would. I think she'd love it. Yeah, like, I wish I could just replay that question in my head forever it's like rip it

apart um well i think one thing is like he's so worried about being rejected it doesn't even sound like he's tried yet rejections don't fucking matter especially on tinder the problem is it's like he's young and he's not that young he's fucking 19 yeah but what i'm saying is like at least here i don't know what everything is like elsewhere but like younger people are not set up for failure like you can't be failed in school anymore like they like that doesn't exist well to be fair he's from europe so it's probably a little bit more grounded yeah like back home it's definitely get fucking failed um but like even here like all the people in North America were, like, Tinder, yada, yada, and, like, feeling inadequate. But that is, like, because, like, no one has prepared them for failure or prepared them for the fact that life is just mostly failure.

You know what I mean? It's like, unless you're living some sort of charmed life, most of your life will be a dismal failure. Dismal? Yeah. Well, I mean like – No, I totally agree. It's one failure after another. It's the only way to learn and grow.

And also like life would fucking suck if you just were successful at everything. Everything you did you were just fine with? That's why you don't watch movies about things that go well for everybody. Like you'd be like, oh, cool. They disworked that? Yeah. All with. Yeah. That's why you don't watch movies about things that go well for everybody. Like, you'd be like, oh, cool. They disworked that? Yeah.

Alright, yeah. Like, no one watches, no one enjoys anything they watch that goes well. You know? Everyone wants, like, drama and wants excitement

and conflict and tension. So, like, why would you not want that in your own fucking life? Well, that's why sitcoms, the worst, like, seasons of sitcoms or the worst episodes

of sitcoms are when your two main characters get together, and they're happy. I find a lot of that is just because people are really bad at handling, like, good relationships in TV, so... Well, it's just because, like, on all the tensions come, right? Like, you're just like... You should be... It's like, cool, this is the end of the show, then!

You should be a smart enough writer to be able to introduce other tension, and that they then deal with as a couple, which people are fucking unable to do. Like, those seasons of New Girl, bleh. Yeah. They sucked. Real hard.

Spoilers. Whatever. Shit. Oh, yeah. You can probably figure it out. Yeah. Um,

which is actually kind of cool because they were never meant to date. Yeah. In, like, the original season, or,

like, the original, like, spec. Yeah. That romance was never supposed to happen and just kind of,

like, happened because they had good chemistry.-screen chemistry yeah no it's good um this is our new girl fan cast i would fucking love that i know i'd do a new rule can we do one maybe fuck um yeah like i people need to chill with like if you're going to jump into the world of online dating like tinder and shit like understand that it's not the be all and end all also like i like i was very very successful on tinder as i talked about before but like there was also months where i just wouldn't get a match yeah and it wouldn't be like i wouldn't take it personally i wouldn't be like i'm the ugliest

person and i'm dateable it's like now i understand that like it's it's all luck like yeah how often i'm on it and like if the right people are on it at the same time and like for all i know people are just accidentally you know someone gave their phone to their friend and they were like nope i'm not into beards you know what i mean so like there's there's so many variables out in the world especially when it's online dating like, it just might be one of those months where people just aren't on it that much, or like maybe you're just not getting matches. But also it's like putting out a profile

and curating pictures is a very particular skill set as well, so you might not be doing that very well, or you might be doing it like it doesn't fucking matter. It's like if you walk down the street, you can't expect every person on that street to be like, I'd fuck him. So why would you expect't expect every person on that street to be like, I'd fuck him. You know, so why would you expect everyone on Tinder to do that? You know what I mean?

And also, if you're, again, sitting on the toilet doing some swipes and nobody picks up the other end, like, who gives a fuck? Is that, you know, is it that crushing? It shouldn't be. Same with real life dating. Like, if you're out in a bar, if you're talking to people, don't be afraid to get rejected, right? Like, it's literally

impossible to imagine a world where you wouldn't be. And also rejected right like it's literally impossible to imagine a world where you wouldn't be and also like there's nothing wrong with it it doesn't yeah just don't be a dick or exactly like if you're if you're just having a chat and at the end of the chat you're like hey can i get my can i get your number and they're like no sorry yeah okay cool you had a good chat move on yeah clap yourself on the back for being brave enough to do that and for doing it a good way, you know what I mean, for not being a shithead, presumably, hopefully, and, like, move on. And the thing is, you'll find after once or twice,

it doesn't really fucking matter. No. Like, it's like going to paintball. The first fucking paintball, it's terrifying and it hurts like a fucker. But after that, you don't really care about getting shot for the rest of the game. And then, yeah, if you're out for ages and you go back to paintball again that first one again

it's pretty scary but when you're like in the midst of it it doesn't matter and then you start to have a lot of fun and enjoy that game and shoot those people it's terrible

it is so go out there and just shoot every woman you see oh god oh no oh god don't fucking do that

we will come for you we will actually not in a sexy way I mean it might be sexy you don't know what that. We will come for you. We will, actually. Yeah. Not in a sexy way. I mean, it might be sexy. You don't know what I'm going to wear. Those high heels. No, I meant we won't come for you in a sexy way.

Oh, well, you don't know what my kink is. Hmm. Vigilantism. No, but, I'm fucking, one day. But just, you know, throw yourself in there. Like, rejection literally doesn't matter. Yeah, like, once you get over the fear of rejection, you end up opening yourself up to way more possibility.

And I don't even mean just dating. Like, once you sort of just be like, yeah, see where this goes. And if it ends poorly, then i will know how this ends yeah um there's there's a like something ending badly is a lot better than something being like this question mark in your head forever yeah i mean like how many times did we walk past like a obviously private party or like bar that like we probably shouldn't walk in but we're like fuck it this is what happens and if someone's like hey you can't be here or like we get kicked out then we leave then all right fine and if they don't then we end up having a fucking crazy night and it's like and you just kind of

have to take that approach like obviously always take care of yourself and don't do anything obviously stupid like don't walk into a fucking biker bar and be like what up hoes man bikers get a bad rap i know it's true's true. You know, there are bars that you should not walk in. Yeah, no, don't be a dumbass. The same way that, like, if you think a situation is going to end poorly for you, then don't do it. That's the thing. But if there's a difference between, like, I'm worried about

getting rejected and I'm worried about losing my kidneys in a bath full of ice. Yeah, like, don't obviously hit on the girl that has, like, a bunch of bro dudes around her. Holding axes. Yeah. Those classic bro dude axe boys.

Yeah, just get out there. Don't be afraid. Like, because as you pointed out, like, the thought of it and the fear of it is literally worse than the action. And you're clearly suffering. Like, your heart's going fucking 90 miles an hour just considering it. You're not even doing it. You're never going to get anybody to date you if you don't try.

If you just stay at home worrying about trying, that's not going to fucking work for you. Yeah. The whole idea and the concept of you need money and you need to be tall. You don't need any of those things. When I was single, I was absolutely... need uh to be tall and you need it's like you don't need any of those things when i when i was single i was absolutely like i was a below average height dude that had literally no money and like

i had no trouble yeah and like it wasn't anything like i can't you can't like hide height you know what i mean and like i would also you would never act anything other than what you were, which I think is, like, literally the most important thing. Like, I feel like a lot of the time people try and be something they're not, and that's what undercuts them. And then it comes across as, like, oh, they realized they don't have money, and that's why. No, they realized you were pretending to have money.

Yeah. I mean, like, any time I would go, like, I would get a date when I was broke, and they'd be like, let's go to this place. I was like, let's go somewhere a little cheaper, because I've been unemployed for seven months. Yeah, like, I was a fucking dishwasher back in the day that lived in the shithole. I'm like, that didn't fucking stop any of my chances whatsoever. I know. That was almost some of the most amount of success and fun in the dating sphere I ever had. Yeah.

So, it's like, fuck it. And they knew. I didn't never fucking pretend. Yeah, no, it was, yeah, it's one of those things where you just kind of embrace who you are. Don't be afraid of rejection. Don't be afraid of rejection. Just, like, go for it.

And just be worried. Like, if a grill is too hot, like, maybe wait until it cools down to touch it. Yeah. We did it. Every time I see one of these questions with like a just fucking amazing spelling mistake I want to bring it into the podcast even if it has no bearing

like one is dear man of reddit have you ever fucked a girl without a condor another one was like dear women who like women how do you feel touching another girl's breads and thighs? Ooh.

Here's one, speaking of questions that you just have to put in. This comes from Reddit user MsMM. It's not even really a question. I don't really know what this is up to, but Leading a guy into the bedroom by lightly tying a string around his dick and walking in front of him?

Like, there's literally no question mark. I think she's just... Just dictating her life? Just throwing it out into the void. Well, what? Do we have any responses to this? Um, a lot of people were just like Might be hot Until you trip

Oh Oh my dick I mean Yeah like I just like I'm gonna The first thing that comes to mind Is that really shitty

Rough kitchen twine And now my dick hurts That's exactly what I'm thinking too Yeah my dick is a little sore Also lightly tie? Like, how light is this tying? Because, like, unless you hook it just over, like, the head, and you're already erect,

it's not going to work very well, I don't think. Yeah, and, like, you'd have to keep... You might have to get the balls in. You'd have to... Well, if you kept, like, actual pace. Yeah, but then you're not being led, are you? Kind of. You're just keeping pace. Yeah, but then you're not being led, are you? Kind of. You're just keeping pace.

Yeah, like... I don't know. Like, there's no string. Like a ribbon, maybe? Maybe a ribbon. You know what I mean? Or like one of those... Cheese string.

Gross. I was actually thinking of cheese wire. but I'm going to stick with my original cheese string it's great how's a cheese wire? like the wires you use to cut cheese like you can go rot someone with those that was the reaction I was trying to provoke in you and then I just said

cheese string by accident I think cheese string is grosser it's drinks. I think he sings grosser. Yeah. It's saltier. I think I would be taken so out of the moment. Like if it was getting hot and heavy and someone was like, let's go to my room. Like,

all right. And then she was like, hold on, hold on. And then just started fucking like boy scout, nodding my dick. I was just about to say that. I was like,

I don't, it's like, okay, I guess I'll just, I guess I'll just wait for you to finish. Unless there's some, like, real fucking, you know, ex-sailor who knows their goddamn

knots, and it's just like, one second, you're rigged up, you know, ramming speed, land ahoy, they're dragging you in the bathroom toilet by your dick. But, like, once you get there... Bathroom toilet? Bathroom toilet. Bedroom. Like, once you get there then how far is the bedroom like at most maybe a two minute walk if you're walking well

i'm just saying if your dick is tied in a fucking but two minutes is how big is this apartment well what i'm saying is like i'm gonna take it slow if someone's got my dick in a fucking noose no you have to take it at whatever speed they do it so is she taking it slow i guess i fucking hope so yeah you don't know right um i'm thinking i'm estimating i'm giving a healthy amount of time to like maybe she's taking a whole tour circle around the like kitchen a couple times it's like the weirdest episode of cribs yeah welcome mtv let me just tie oh okay here we go um and then like okay it's but then like you see once you get to the bedroom that string's gotta come off so what the fuck does it maybe she wants knots for her pleasure maybe maybe she's our vomit episode just like sort of just

like cram the string into her she wants like a magician trick where you put it all in again. And you're just like, how long is this rope? It's never ending. Oh boy, this rope is so fucking long. Don't ever do that again while wearing headphones. Daddy, this rope. Stop it.

It's silky and long. I just like, I don't... Okay, well the thing for me, it's the opposite, right? You're saying two minutes minutes I'm saying like two seconds right have you been in an average fucking Toronto apartment so like all that like effort and there's like step step oh well

there we go maybe you live in a bachelor right yeah just like oh shit like what the fuck or imagine even more common scenario in Toronto you have a roommate. Your roommate walks in. You're attached by a silk ribbon to your girlfriend's hand by a dick.

That's just, that's going to be a weird one. Yeah. Or he, you know, jiggles the lock. You run one way, she runs the other way. Now you don't have a dick. Yep. That's an even worse scene to walk in. He's like, why is there blood on the floor?

Why is your dick? Oh, God. Oh, no. And now there blood on the floor? Why is your dick... Oh, God! Oh, no. And now your dick will stew you for the rest of your life. Well, I'm sure there's, like, a Ken doll fetish out there. Yeah, probably. That fleshy mound life. I guess technically you'd still have balls.

Depending on where she tied it. It's true. Like, I feel like balls are easier to get rid of than a dick. Yeah. Which you can use them for if you rid of than a dick. Yeah. Which you can use them for if you don't have a dick. Why is there so much dick injury in this episode? I don't know. Alright.

Alright. Hit me with another one. Oh. My girlfriend keeps blowing up condom balloons and leaves them in my room for me to find them. It's getting bad. Almost like coming in my room and kicking condoms everywhere as I walk. I had no idea what the heck was going on until I saw it. The other day I walked into my room after telling my girlfriend I was

going to shower and I caught her in the act. She had a full blown condom in her hand and the end of it in her mouth. It was another huge one. I was shocked that she betrayed my trust like this and left these condoms blown up in my shoes, floor, bookshelf, closet, under my bed, etc. How do I proceed?

Why is that betraying your trust? Look at the first response. And then everyone's like, she's a keeper. And he's just like, you want her? I will sell her. And everyone's like, yeah, I want her. He's like, cool. Everyone form a line. He's like auctioning, I want her. He's like, cool. Everyone form a line.

He's like auctioning his girlfriend off now. That's fucking hilarious. And then in the middle of everyone being like, what is this? What the fuck? Someone goes, let the air out. Then put them on and shag her. Oh, boy. I don't see a problem here.

The only thing I see is like, condoms aren't that cheap. Condoms are expensive. So like, that's kind of a problem here. The only thing I see is, like, condoms aren't that cheap. Condoms are expensive. So, like, that's kind of a dick move. Like, that's the only betrayal that she's doing to you. Otherwise, she is... The best. The most, like, scampish little nymph that, like, you should pressure forever. Pretty great.

Like, that's fucking hilarious. So, on the same topic. Weird question, I i know but what is proper condom etiquette and basically it is a person who is has not been have not been dating world for a while now reaching the age of 30 there's a chance you could sleep with someone for the first time how do you go about bringing and retrieving a condom the first time without sounding without seeming like a creep i feel like it's childish to keep in the wallet not a teen anymore also don't want it to seem like i was expecting for that to happen. It's a weird question, I know, and I don't

know how to ask my friends. So this is a guy who has... Yeah, I believe so. It doesn't say. I mean, always have them in your, like, nightstand if you have one. Yeah, have them, like, within

arm's reach of your bed. Yeah. It's not, like, if you don't have a nightstand bed yeah um it's not like if you don't have a nightstand it's tough because like you don't want to keep them like under your mattress i have a treasure chest like is it actually it's a wooden treasure chest that's pretty sweet that's right the edge of my bed although that would make me feel like i'm going to the dentist because every dentist i've ever gone to like when you were a kid they always had like a treasure chest that you'd do the toy i am gonna I am going to put something in your mouth. Granted, it wasn't filled with condoms, but it was like...

It was great because the wooden treasure chest has all the gold. It's great. We saw it just bring a treasure chest around. Our good friend Paul once bought me a condom box with the most horrifying art on it. Yeah,

what is it? It says condoms, and there's a lot of cherub, like naked fat babies flying around. I guess they're a warning, like use condoms because you'll have all these kids. Like you've been struck by an arrow. Have you ever been to the... You've been to fucking

Ossington Bus, and you're waiting and there's the mural of all the fat weird babies. I fucking hate those things so much. It's them. I'm pretty and there's the mural of all the fat weird babies. I fucking hate those things so much. It's them. I'm pretty sure it's the same fucking artist. He bought it for me

and he gave it to me. I think it was a birthday present. Next time we're at Ossington we have to take a picture so people know what the hell we're talking about. Oh, we'll put it up on our fucking thing

because it's like just weird and horrifying. I guess it's meant to be for a shelter or something. Yeah. It's a daycare and it's fucking horrifying. It is real bad. Because it's like it's a shelter or something yeah it's a daycare and it and it's fucking horrifying it is real bad it's like because it's like it's the two people who i assume own the place surrounded by just like naked posing babies yeah these kids just doing everything yeah stop it

i know um and like if you're waiting for a bus you just stare at it and they stare back oh they stare into your goddamn soul what the fuck's the question automatic it yeah so i find like i don't okay on the first topic of the like i don't want people to think that i thought this was gonna like no one gives a fuck you're 30 yeah if someone was like if you are like going on a date and uh don't have a condom with you it's like it you don't have a condom with you, it's like you don't seem like a fucking pervert. You seem like a weirdo. You seem prepared and responsible. At least I would hope.

If a girl gets upset that you have a condom on you, then you know you don't want to date her. This is a bad call. That's a red flag for me. Also, if you don't have one and she's like, oh, you want to fuck or whatever, or, like, things go well, and you're like, oh, I forgot a condom, you sound like a creep who wants to

fuck bareback. Yeah. Like, just have one. Like, nobody gives a fuck. Also, don't keep it in your wallet. That's how they get ruined. Yeah, well, don't keep it in your wallet for long. Just fuck quick. That's the thing. Like, don't leave it there. Like, if you need to put it in your wallet for like the

day but like don't have a wallet condom just ready for yeah like be aware that it can like that degrade degrade the structural integrity yeah um don't don't carry a condom with you but like if you're going somewhere where like even on like nights out i would just yeah throw two in my back pocket just be like just put it somewhere that you're not gonna accidentally pull it out or like cause that might seem creepy

if you're just like oh hey like let me get your number and you like just condoms spilling out of your pocket although real funny story friend of mine

first time he met his girlfriend's parents he reached in his pocket for something and a condom fell out super awkward I once

they were highly religious i use my passport for my id because i'm a scumbag and don't have any other kind of id um and i uh once was getting id at like a bar or club or wherever to get in and i pulled it out and the condom had wedged itself in between like my picture and and like the you know the book parties tell me you only look them in the eye and wink so i pulled out my thing and and like the you know the book parties tell me you only look them in the eye and wait so i pulled out my thing and like i flashed it at him but i was also holding the condom in it and it so it looked like i was like hey let me in or i'm gonna fuck you or let me in and i'll fuck you i don't know i guess it depends is that a threat or is it the

carrot or the stick yeah i don't know um know. It'd be both. Carrot stick. And, like, also, here's... I think we talked about it at one point. I don't know if it went in or not. I can't remember if I did it. But, like, I always, like, in my head, I was always like, oh, getting a condom ruins the mood. And, like, it's such a, like, a break in the action.

But, like... You just gotta put it on all sexy. Also, no one gives a shit. Yeah. Like, almost no woman is gonna be like, a break in the action, but, like... You just gotta put it on all sexy. Also, no one gives a shit. Yeah. Like, almost no woman is gonna be like, oh, he's putting a condom on. Like, oh, I don't have to have his possibly filthy seed inside of me. Yeah, like...

Oh, I won't have to stress about being pregnant. Oh, I might not get an STD. Oh, you're being safe and responsible. I'm so turned off. Oh, I'm watching you manhandle your cam handle Ham candle, damn it Cam handle Yeah, you could put a camera on it

Yeah, a little GoPro on your dick No, like no one gives a shit man You're 30 I'm sorry, grow the fuck up Yeah, just have one with you Have two with you Because you don't want to fuck that night And then wake up the next morning and be all hot and horny and not be able to do it again. Yeah.

I always bring two. Ladies. At least. It's not a bad idea. To have some yourself. To have some on you. Do we solve it? Call an etiquette.

Bring one. Wear one. Don't be a dick. Yeah. No one gives a shit. Don't be self-conscious about putting one on. Ever. No one gives a fuck. In a good way-conscious about putting one on, ever. No one gives a fuck.

In a good way. I think we have time for one more. One quick one? Okay. What is the optimal food for an orgy? You don't want people to get hungry or have to call out for a pizza. You don't want to use knives and forks because you don't want a big break or commotion when people go to eat. But you don't want finger foods because you don't want greasy food, stained fingers, and your genitals.

Go-Gurt Buffet sounds like a good start? No! That's like the exact opposite of what you should do. You know what? You do fruit. Nah. Great. Fuck that. Spicy wings. Hot wings. Oh, yeah. Get the spicy. I had a terrible.

Yeah, I did too. Yeah, I feel so bad. R.I.P. Okay, orgy foods. Let's just rapid fire. Hit them out. Fucking Powerade. That's not a food, but okay. That's the thing. Fuck the food. You want to be hydrated. You want the electrolytes.

You want blue because it tastes great. How about crudité platter? With some good dips. Yeah. I think a fruit veggie platter with some good dips. Yeah. I think like a fruit veggie platter is like the way to go.

You can pop grapes. Also like some of that food is fun to play with. Like grapes and shit. You want to insert celery into someone's vagina? No.

What I'm saying is like imagine being fucked while someone feeds you grapes. That sounds fucking great. I hate grapes so no that sounds terrible. It's like Skittles. Skittles. Right? Fucking put it's like skittles skittles

right fucking put a tray of skittles out yeah get some sugar right you know yeah you need you need things that are gonna like pump people up yeah right you need and i feel like if you're going to be eating and then like you're probably gonna eat before or after it's probably just like sustained food you don't also how long is this orgy? Yeah. The last thing I would want to do just like mid fucking bang session is be like, you know what I could do for? Food. That's the thing. I'm usually way too distracted for food. I'm like nothing in life distracts me from food.

Yeah. Like I have a lot of morning sex and, you i'm i'm hungry in the morning and at no point in time am i ever like i need to stop this sexual activity to go have breakfast yeah midway god no breakfast will come breakfast will come when i have you're gonna come first by the way go listen to up for breakfast by van halen because it is the best morning sex song in the world. There you go, guys. Ready for some bad sex writing? All right, let's do one quick one. Okay, one more. This comes from Honey Supersuit.

Honey Supersuit? Yep. Okay. That sounds real sticky. The question title is, I need advice. So I was like, nice. Uh-oh.

Ex-girlfriend is going to the small party tomorrow. Hey, guys. Short story short, ex-girlfriend and I started a friend group at uni two years ago, and ever since we broke up a year ago, the group hardly ever meets, like once every two months for a meal. We haven't talked since the breakup,

and she usually ditches these meals, and I go because I feel bad that the group isn't as tight as it used to be. Anyway, tomorrow they want to do a lunch, and she said in the friend group chat that she's going. Should I just dip? If you want to go, go. Yep. Like, it depends. Like, it doesn't seem like, aside from maybe possible awkwardness, that he really cares.

So it's like, just go. If it's not going to bother you, go. Yeah. Like, it also depends on how you broke up. Like, if you cheated on her and she broke up with you because of that, it's like, and if she's the one who usually dips it, let her have this. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like, you were an asshole. And so let her go hang out with the friends that you guys had instead of being like, I'm going to go. I'm going to this one. I'm going to that one. 100%. If you were a piece of shit, just let her have it. But if it was a mutual breakup or if it was like... Or if she dumped you or if she was the bad one.

You know what I mean? If it was a relationship that sort of just ran its course and it ended you know as well as a relationship can um then there's like there's nothing wrong with being civil with your exes like one of my exes who we had a pretty spectacular breakup um i'm fine with now because like i i've it was fuck almost a decade ago and it was one of those things where i was just like uh i was really upset at the time and then i sorted my own shit out i dealt with my own things i realized that like you know so i wasn't completely devoid of blame in that situation we talked it out and like i don't know if i'd say we were friends but we're certainly like civil and yeah you know we're we're still able to like talk and if i see her i don't like avoid her also like give her a hug and ask her how she's doing

the thing is like just from the question i assumed he wasn't the person on the wrong considering he was like i had to try to get over her yeah i mean i doubt he was like i cheat on you wait where are you oh no but hey fucking maybe right yeah um but yeah if you're like look at how it ended and if you're a dick, like, if they're avoiding you for, like, a good reason, give them a bit of space and let them have this one. Or also, like, maybe they're not comfortable seeing you and, like, aren't going to these things because you are. You know what I mean? So, like, maybe trade off. Like, go to one.

You know what I mean? Like, if the reason she's going is because she thinks you're not, like i don't know maybe let her have that yeah although like sometimes i reach out to her and be like hey i kind of want to go to this thing um i saw you're also going like is it like would you be would it be super upsetting for you if i came to like i i promise like we'll be civil like i'm you know what i mean like be the bigger person and reach out and true and address it sometimes i feel like unless they have a reason to be uncomfortable by you being there you don't really like it shouldn't be necessary for you to go out of your way to accommodate their feelings if you know if you ended up whatever or if they were the one who ended things or if they were the

one who like cheated on you or whatever and they don't feel comfortable hanging out with you like i don't really feel like you need to put yourself in that position. Yeah. Like, I feel like if you did something wrong and you're, like, mature enough and, like, nice enough to realize that, totally. You can reach out or you can just give them the space. But if you haven't done anything wrong and they don't feel comfortable seeing you, like, it's not necessarily your job to fix that for them.

Yeah. That's true. Like, if you want to see your friends, that's cool. If you've been, like, a bunch of times, you know you'll be at the next one, she hasn't been to one, yeah, you could, you know, take a knee. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think...

I think one of those things where it's just... If you want to go, go. Unless you are a shithead. Remain, you know, a better person. Don't do the thing where you, like, you casually drop, like, how many girls you're sleeping with, or, like, how well you're doing. Don't do the thing where you casually drop how many girls you're sleeping with, or how well you're doing. Don't do any of that.

Just hang out with your friends. If she starts a discussion, join in, but don't try to shoehorn in how well you're doing, unless someone's like, how are you doing? Be like, be honest, but don't be like, yeah, you know, so I'm just fucking every week, and I week and like i'm just my dick is just sore from the amount of

great sex i've had and like you know i'm probably gonna get a promotion i'm probably but also don't do the opposite where you feel like you have to make yourself not seem like you're doing so well for their sake don't do that either yeah just just be fucking normal just you can yeah just if someone asks you a question, just answer it honestly. Yeah. But also, like, again, I'm going to go under the assumption that, like, this is a mutual breakup and you guys are still sort of, like, civil and don't hate each other. Don't do anything that, like, for the intentional purposes of, like...

Making them feel bad. Twisting the knife. Again, if it didn't end poorly, there's nothing wrong with repairing a relationship. Yeah, it's always a pity if you had been so close obviously you're in a relationship to just like have it be bad you know what i mean yeah and especially like if you guys both like these friends it's like if you can find a middle ground and be civil and like still hang out with these friends it's like there's no reason everyone that was you know friends with you guys should also suffer you know what i mean or like be in the position to choose between who they want to stay friends

with. So, like, maybe this is a good chance to sit down and be like, oh, cool, we can all still do this. It's like, obviously, you guys might not hang out as closely together, but if you can, like, figure out that common ground of being like, hey, we love these people, and for that, we will bridge any

gap that we have and be like, and repair sort of this friendship group.'s i think it's a great opportunity yeah and like have fun with it yeah if you can yeah and it's also like one of those testing grounds where you just be like okay cool yeah no i'm not quite over this i'm not quite ready to move on past it or you know what i mean put it behind me and that's i don't think anyone would fault you for that. Alright, I have mentally recovered from last week. I'm ready to be traumatized. You sure? Yeah. Alright, this is Connect by Julian

Goff. Can we go back down to our sexy little school? He drops the bra to the floor, looks up, into her eyes it's too much. He kisses her chin, her mouth, and her tongue's touch, Oh, too much. He slips his lip free with a soft suck. Moves up to kiss her strong nose, on one side than the

other. It's hard and soft at once. He moves back down to his level with her breasts. They're small, she says, surprisingly shy, apologetic. They're perfect, he says. He kisses them, teases a nipple with his lips. It's so soft. And then, suddenly, hard. Wow. He sucks on the hard nipple. He has never done this before, and yet, no, wait, of course, it is totally familiar. The first thing he ever did. He feels a huge change in meaning and status. It is as though he has grown up in a single suck. Everything transformed, and yet nothing has changed at all. He sucks at a nipple as he lies on a bed and it's 18

years later and he sucks at a nipple as he lies on a bed and his childhood falls away from him like a burned up booster stage from a rocket it's used up he is now in orbit around a different planet. Why would... I don't... Man, you took that traumatized right to heart. So this guy... He's just thinking about his mom. Yeah, he's just like, Damn, I used to suck my mom's titties.

Just like, going to town. And he's just like oh my god. Why is everything hard and soft? Why? Her nose. I can't think of a better way to describe a nose.

Especially not a strong one. Fuck you. Get out. Do you want another one? No, I'm going to save it until next week. No, yeah. We're running along. Looks like my dick after that one. Yeah, I

can't stand up right now because that was too much. Alright. That's been our show. We hope we didn't traumatize you too much. Merry almost Christmas. Yeah. Next week, we're going to do a Christmas episode. So if you have

Christmas themed, holiday themed Christmas questions, or holiday, yeah, holiday, whatever, I don't give a fuck.

I mean, it is going to be, we're going to release on Christmas Eve, so it's going to be Christmas. Yeah. But I mean, like,

fuck it, if you have a Hanukkah question, hell yeah, if you have a Kwanzaa question, you know, a Diwali, an Eid, some Candle Nights,

some Candle Nights questions, yeah, we are a, you know what, we've tried to stay away from my brother and my brother and me references. So hard. But I agree, I like candle nights. So if you don't know what that is, it's like an all-encompassing holiday that everyone can enjoy, regardless of religion or creed or any of that stuff. But to avoid getting sued, we're going to call it Ham Candle Night. Oh, God.

Why did I not think about that? So if you have any questions about the holidays and dating over the holidays and all that stuff, I don't really know how that would work. But if you do... Hey, if you've got some shit, send it to us. Shoot us a message. You can either email us at fbuddiespodcast.gmail.com You can send us a message on Twitter

at fck underscore buddies or you can find us on Facebook. And please find us on Facebook. Oh, God. We are, like, being overwhelmed. I feel like fucking, like, Helm's Deep right now. Yeah.

And just people are the orcs. Just the general... Helm's Deep right now. Yeah, and just people are the orcs. The general Facebook populace. Although we did also get added by Gandalf during the week. Yeah, that's true. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast

Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Hire of Cities for their song Paper Stars. Yeah. You can hear that at the beginning and the end of the podcast I know we've had it in our new little segment of now reading erotica to me in a closet but this week

and every week we've ended the show with a tweet or a article from someone known as Dan When your girlfriend loves you but isn't happy. Brackets. Dump her before she dumps you? My name is Dan Miller. And I am Noss Bay.

And we're your fuck buddies. Boop. you