F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 13 - The Sexmas Spectacular!

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

Hello friends!  It's Sexmas time in Tangent City and we're bringing you a brand new, extra long holiday special!  We tackle all of your festive, sexy questions delivering up the holiest of advice.  Have the safest and happiest of holidays from your two favourite wise men.  Topics include Christmas party abandonment, the sweetest holiday first date, family time sexting, twinkle bondage, sexy gifts for men and the Ballad of Gay Daryl.

It was the night before Christmas on all through this podcast. Your fuck buds were worried because of the past. Our recording went wrong and the quality fell. Sounded like we used a microphone from hell. But here we are nestled, snug in the closet. We realize the problem. We hope that Dane solved it. We felt very bad.

We hope that it showed. But now we bid you warm welcome to our Christmas episode. I put my trust in you. And I trust in our love. I put my trust in you. I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Welcome in, guys.

I think we need to go lower on the glass. Oh, fucking no. We'll try it next time. Hello, friends. My name is Dave Miller. And my name is Niall Spain. And Merry Sexmas. We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky 60s.

Oh, God damn it. I was thinking. Of making it Christmassy? Yeah. I was going to say festive and then I just. Festive sticky situations? I just crammed all of my words into one thing. We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy festive situations hell yeah merry sexmas watch me say that way too many times this episode yep you take a shot every time i say it guys sexmas rip what rip oh r.i.p basic grape i was like what

yeah great it's a shot of grapes um We have an exciting, super fun holiday episode for you friends. Put sleigh bells in right now. I'm going to, the whole thing just jingles in the background. Fuck yeah. Oh, fuck me. Okay. I actually wanted to. It's been building up for a while.

We're going to, we're going to pause right here. And. Do you have a poem too? No. I want to get something. Did you like it? I did like it. So guys,

now it's just me and you. Let's talk some shit about Dane. You know, he came into the apartment and he was putting socks on his cat's back. What monster does that?

This, this very, very warm closet and I'm very hungover. Shh, he's back. Oh God. Can't put it on me.

I move around too much. Where's the Santa hat? This, the Santa hat. Oh, God. You can't put it on me. I move around too much. The Santa hat doesn't make noise. That's probably for the best. This is going to be fucking hell. Probably. I don't have my headphones on, so I'm sure this sounds great. It's actually quite melodic. I promise that you don't need to cut out the parts when you leave or listen to them.

Perfect. Awesome. I'm going to take this hat off like almost immediately. I can imagine. Yeah, we have a exciting holiday episode for you. We are bringing out all the holiday favorites. We got Frosty. We got Rudolph.

We got Michael Bublé. Michael Bublé is here. We went and dove into the foulest of the arcane arts and have resurrected Bing Crosby. He's here. Also Jesus. Jesus is here. Dominic the Donkey is here. The fuck is that? Dominic the Donkey?

Is he from Love Actually? No, he's the Italian Christmas donkey. We also resurrected Die Hard. It's here too. Yep, Die Hard is here. It's now living fairly moderately. It's living softly. Do you not know who Dominic is?

Why the fuck would I know what a random donkey is? It's not a random donkey. It's a song. That was so loud. Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay. I need to get closer to this mic. You missed me whispering last week, but now here it is.

Are you looking up a picture of a donkey right now? What the fuck is... That song I'm going to play because I don't want to get sued. But, yeah. What the sweet... Oh, fuck you. That's all I'm going to play because I don't want to get sued. But, yeah. What the sweet... Oh, we're getting sued later anyway, so... It's Dominic, the Italian Christmas donkey. Fair enough.

Okay, I'm taking the Christmas hat off. Yeah, this is really hot. No, we're 100% getting sued later on because I'm traumatized after my Christmas searching and you need to be too. because I'm traumatized after my Christmas searching, and you need to be too. I meant to get a bunch of Christmas and holiday facts, and then I forgot. Fuck it.

So I'm going to make them up. Oh. Did you know Dane spontaneously comes at 8 o'clock on December 25th every year? Mm-hmm. It just happens. Yeah. I think I'm just so overwhelmed by my holiday spirit

that I need to ejaculate it out. That's fair. We've all done it. Who hasn't? Dominic, maybe. That would be, ugh. Oh, man. You better believe there is donkey semen everywhere.

Italian donkey semen. It smells of parsley. I think more basil. Sure. Well, it's been our festive episode, guys. This is our racist donkey fetish.

Fetish? Oh, God, you're aroused again. Is it 8 o'clock? Well, bye, guys. Do you want to start us off with some questions? Fuck yeah, man. Where the shit are we going to start?

I have so many fucking Christmas questions. Good, because I don't have a whole lot. Oh, really? I could do fucking three episodes, man. Does leaving him at his Christmas party make me a bad person? Is that it? No, there's a whole fucking thing i'm just waiting for it to load oh they fucking deleted it you bitch i told you to copy it i know shit i hope the other ones

are still there uh basically i remember most of it and it was that it made no sense anyway it doesn't matter are you a bad person for leaving them at their christmas party in general yes however in this situation i... I need more information. They just started dating. She was the one who suggested going, so it wasn't like he brought her, which might be strange. Right.

But then he got really drunk. Okay. And was, like, being a bit of a dick. Okay, yeah, then no. Exactly, right? Why are you fucking asking this question? He's being a dick. You're allowed to leave whenever you want, guys.

Yeah, it'd be one thing if he was just like... He's like, hey, do you want to come to my Christmas party? And you're like, ooh, that seems like a good place to leave whenever you want guys yeah it'd be one thing if he was just like he's like hey do you want to come to my christmas party you're like oh and like it's like a good place to leave him yeah and like maybe it's like kind of lame because he works in like a lame like office job or whatever it's not like getting turnt or anything and you're just like this sucks and then just walk out like yeah that's a shit thing to do yeah but yeah no if he's getting hammered and it's like i I'm going to grope everyone in the office. Yeah, get out of there. Everyone should go.

That's the thing. It doesn't matter. Like, I guess she felt like the pressure that it was his Christmas party. And like, if she left, it might look bad on him or whatever. But like, he's being fucked up asshole. Looks bad on him anyway. Yeah, if you're hammered at your Christmas party, which everyone is hammered at their christmas party but if you're being an asshole whilst drunk at a christmas party like you're you look like a bad person regardless of whether or not your girlfriend leaves you yeah like everyone is talking shit about you anyway and they're going to continue to talk shit about you yeah and if you're uncomfortable

like you never have to suffer through for the person who's making you uncomfortable sick yeah fuck that yeah no that's a terrible idea. Some of these can be short. That's cool. I got so fucking many of them. Yeah. I'm going to do this one because I feel like it could also be a really quick one. I just found out that my work crush is spending Christmas alone because she can't afford to

go home. I'm in the same boat. We're both single and we tend to be kind of flirty with each other, but we've never gone on a date before or really spent much time outside of work. Is it weird to ask her out on a Christmas date? Hell no. It sounds awesome. I think that's a perfect fucking time.

Yeah. Gets the fucking nog into you. Yeah. Gets in the snow. You can do a bunch of things. Like, either you can, like, go out and do Christmassy things, like Christmassy things. Mm-hmm. Like ice skating or, you know what I mean?

Go look at the Christmas lights and go look at the storefronts and stuff like that. It'll be kind of probably really romantic because there's not likely to be a lot of people out because it's Christmas. Or you can do like what is commonly referred to as Jewish Christmas and like go and get Chinese food and go see a movie. Or stay in. Cook a turkey together. Yeah. Fuck it up. It doesn't even have to be like super extravagant because turkeys are kind, but, like, just get a cooked ham, put it in the oven,

and, like, just throw a bunch of shit in the pan and make it look like you did something. Yeah, get them, like, a... That's what I do. Get them a lame present. Like, nothing dramatic, because that can be really, like... Yeah. Off-putting on the, like, first date, but, like, something, like, funny that's like, hey, look, it's Christmas, and you got a present now.

Lingerie that's exactly her size. Oh, yeah. That is also hers that you stole from her drawer give it back to her i actually did know a guy who would slowly steal things from his girlfriend over the year and then when it came to her birthday he would make a box and like give it all back to her and like she knew he did this so like things would go missing and she'd be like did you fucking take it he's like no and like sometimes he hadn't and often he had what do you mean sometimes he didn't take it if it was in the fucking box oh wow that got really fucking aggressive no as in like sometimes she would have just misplaced it yeah yeah just give her a box she was like god fucking tab it

every year how could he betray her trust like this? Then he'd fill a room full of condoms. Yeah, no. As long as you, again, approach it. Don't make it seem like a big romantic Christmas gesture. Just be like, yo, I heard that you're spending Christmas alone. Or if she told you, just be like, hey, I also can't go home and I'm spending Christmas alone. Do you want to maybe have dinner? And also be completely aware that it might not be romantic on her end like

so don't let that fuck everything up like just go into the mindset of like you guys are gonna have a super nice christmas and if things happen romantically fucking great you're gonna have an excellent christmas otherwise it's still gonna be really good yeah i would even maybe play this like i usually don't suggest playing things close to the chest um but on christmas like everyone's got their own christmas baggage or a lot of people have christmas baggage um so like maybe just have a great night with her and then use that as a jumping off point you know what i mean like the next next time you want to ask her i'll be like hey i had a really fucking good time with you on Christmas. Do you want to grab a drink or do you want to go grab dinner?

Do you want to, you know what I mean? Like, because like it would kind of suck if she was feeling really vulnerable because not like maybe this is the first time she hasn't gone home for Christmas. Yeah. And you're like, you're kind of trying to weasel your way in on that. Yeah. And that's the thing. Like, if like, I think it is really hard to spend Christmas away from your family. Like, I've done it a few years and it sucks.

And, uh, luckily Dane is always super awesome. I go to his for Christmas. Um, and it's super great. Cause otherwise I'd be sitting in a room by myself and it would suck, you know, cause everyone has their family share. Right. So you guys are, but you know, everybody kind of wants to do something. So if you make it seem like romantic or like something, you might put her off and then she will have to turn down.

Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Or she'll have to like suffer through a situation she's not comfortable with because she doesn't want to be alone on Christmas. Yeah. And like, I think hopefully you're able to read the situation. Like, if it's one of those things where you're watching fucking a Christmas movie and she's caught in love with you. Yeah. Then you can maybe, like, get the hint that maybe a goodnight kiss isn't a bad idea.

And, like, there's nothing wrong with it going romantically at all. Oh, no, for sure. If it progresses that way, for sure. But I would not angle for it off the bat. I would let that kind of happen naturally. Yeah, see if it happens. I would just, like, look at it as a really fun nice way for you guys to spend the holiday you know as yeah as buds just have a great fucking night

because they're the kind of things where like if it's a really nice night you're gonna remember that christmas kind of like forever right yeah oh yeah absolutely and like again it's if you are gentlemanly and you make a bomb dinner and you Niles said, like get her a pretty like tame present. You know what I mean? Like maybe a bottle of wine. You'd be like, I got you a bottle of wine. We can have it for dinner. You know what I mean?

Like something that is so string free. Yeah. Like something small, like just so she can unwrap something. Like as I make it clear, like, like, like, you know, I just wanted to get you something. So everyone should have a present to unwrap at Christmas. Yeah. Or like, or like a fucking selection box or yeah wrapper plates that would be really

funny yeah like wrapper cutlery and something be like i got you make it like a cheese board before she comes over and then wrap it yeah that'd be really funny yeah just i think i think this is like i'm actually kind of jealous that i can't do this. Let's just break up with our girlfriends. We'll go on the Christmas date ourselves. Shit, they listen. Quick, edit that part out. I'll edit it out. Oh, perfect. We'll henceforth refer to this as Operation Sexmas.

God damn it. That's another shot for you guys. I'm going to be fucked up. Our listenership is going to be dead by the end of this. Hell yeah. Yeah, do it. Make the most of it. Yeah.

Oh, man. We're on a roll. Fuck yeah. Man, I got so many. What are some naughty Christmas related sayings? Jingle your bells. Merry sexmas. Stuff your stocking.

Here's what I have. Okay. I'm going to read the more, like the details. I don't know if this is the right sub for this. I figured why not. Throw away for obvious reasons. Obviously, I don't want anyone to know you want dirty Christmas slang. See my long-distant boyfriend at the end of the month.

Celebrate Christmas, New Year's. In a holiday card, I want to write some sexy sayings. I'm going to leave it to Christmas. I'm drawing a blank. Here's what I have so far. I've been very naughty this year. I'm your little ho ho ho. If I jingle your bells, will you

make it a white Christmas? How about you be the tree? I'll be the star. How about I've read the comments. You can fuck me and it won't be an immaculate conception. I'm gonna get you mad pregnant. I'm going to get you mad pregnant.

I'm about to get you mad pregnant. The Three's Wise Men aren't the only people coming tonight. Twelve ways of Christmas. Fuck them every... List twelve ways you're going to fuck them. Yeah. Yeah. But then slowly count up to it and repeat it every time.

Twelve positions of Christmas? Twelve unenthusiastic handjo 11 awkward tit jobs five cock rings four anal beads three slapped asses well two fingers and one dick in you then. In you? In you ten? What? In you then. Oh. Like. Yeah, well, I'm going to go.

So the first reply to this, you better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to insert this legitimately massive butt plug in your anus. Nailed it. Yeah, Santa Claus is coming to town. I think you should, like, take a picture of you

with mistletoe strapped to your belt. Ooh. Tell him you're going to sit on his lap and tell him what you want for Christmas. Tell him he'll be the sleigh and you'll be Santa. Because you're going to ride him all night. Ride him. You're going to ride him to children's rooms all across the world.

Your clit is Rudolph's nose? Ooh. Won't you fuck my butt tonight? Every time I think of you, I touch my elf. You get to sing it, though. Oh! These questions are going real long. Okay, I'll do a different one.

Is it inappropriate to sex someone on Christmas? I once did this to a girl I was seeing, and she was just like, uh, stop in church. Yeah. I'm 23. I work and board horny. He's hanging out with his grandparents and family, etc.

We haven't actually ever sexed before. We aren't quite dating either, but we have had sex before. Yeah. I'm 23. I work and board horny. He's hanging out with his grandparents and family, etc. We haven't actually ever sexed before. We aren't quite dating either, but we have had sex before. I can see how this would be offending undesirable some people on Christmas. I don't know how religious he is. Like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how inappropriate is it given the context? So, like, what I love is I initially thought she was like, oh, I'm worried that he'll be around family and it'll just pop up with my butt or, you know. But she's, like, legitimately worried about someone being so religious it's like it is jesus's birthday woman yeah i thought it was gonna be the family thing too yeah i i think it's fine i think if

someone is that religious you should probably figure that out yeah and like i don't know i feel like if someone can't reciprocate sexting they just won't you know i mean like unless you're just bombarding him with fucking sex uh and you're not giving him a chance to respond or you're like oh it's been two hours better send another one i think she's legitimately worried about like offending him on a religious level. Like, the day is so sacred that a sext is inappropriate. And I personally think that's a little silly. Yeah. I mean, there's only one way to find out.

I feel like he won't care. I feel like he'll be happy. Yeah. I mean, like, if I'm at home just chilling with my family, I don't know. Maybe, like, if you're in a room with your family. I do think give the courtesy, like, hey, don't open the next message when there's other people around kind of thing. And hope they see that first. You know?

And also like hope his phone doesn't do the preview thing. Yeah. On the phone. Because like last thing you want to do is they're all playing a game of fucking Scrabble or something and his phone's on the table. And it's just like, bloop. And it's just a big old vagina picture. Maybe Snapchat them, but have your first Snapchat be like, if there's someone around you, like, don't let them see this. Yeah, that's probably a good call.

Because even if someone sees that, it'll, you know, it won't be that bad. Because you don't, you know. But also, like, if he has, like, nephews or, like, nieces or some shit. Like, sometimes they play with the phone, you know what I mean? Like, you're like, oh, fuck it, just take it. Or you're, like, showing them a YouTubeces or some shit like sometimes they play with the phone you know what i mean like you're like oh fuck it just take it like or you're like showing them a youtube video or like you know it's gotta be yeah he's chrome casting it onto a phone man i don't know how that works but i don't yeah you you can like i know you can grow but like it doesn't show your i think it just shows the app that you're using no oh everything sometimes yeah yikes yeah i've had to

like take my phone off of like connecting to a to a TV because, like, nothing really bad, but, like, I'm getting messages and, like, I don't really want someone to say something bad, like, or, you know. So, you got to be aware. But, no, I don't think it's inappropriate. Nope. No, I mean, like, again, if someone's not down with it, sexing's kind of like a two-way street. You know what I mean? And if he's not sending anything back, if he sends things back, then you're like, okay, cool. Let's go. If he doesn't, then you can be like, maybe I'll chill for a bit.

Yeah. Maybe start off not. Or maybe you weren't risky enough. Ooh, shit. Send a dirtier picture. I was going to say send something light and then see, but no, you got to double down. Oh, no. Sending something light is fine.

No, then you've got to double fucking down. Oh, yeah. no, for sure. You've got to put that tree up there. Yeah. You have to, like, slowly insert the Christmas tree as if your vagina was a boa constrictor. And the tree was a rat. Grounding it with your enameled pepper mill.

Yeah. You know, I've thought about that a lot. I hope so. It really, really sucks. Don't worry, I've got another one a lot. I hope so. It really, really sucks. Don't worry, I got another one for you later. I know you do. Alright, go. Hit me one.

Okay. I hope everyone just has the sexiest Christmas after all this shit. Here's one that's not too sexy. Oh, yeah. I'm from a small town in the middle of nowhere. My family are probably the most progressive people there, but they still have that sweet, sweet touch of small town racism. I've been dating a black girl since February, and while they know I'm dating her, they'll be meeting her for the first time. And I'm worried they'll have no chill when it comes to the race stuff.

Help? Yeah. Yeah. I feel that one because, like, I'm from Ireland, and, Ireland and it's mainly just white Irish people. I don't know. When I, my girlfriend is not white, so when she came to Ireland, I was worried that, not anything offensive, I just thought they might be like, I don't know, just say something weird or be too eager to be like, look, we're cool.

It was fine. No one did shit. It was great. That's why I brought this up. I feel like you would be an authority or at least like have a little more insight than I would. Yeah. I was just worried that they'd be awkward or like fucking stupid, but everyone was cool.

So, uh, I don't know. I guess like, cause you can't like pre-warn them, you know, you can't be like, Hey, don't be fucking assholes. Cause then that might make them worse. Like if you're worried about them, like shitting the bed on this, I feel like sometimes if you get up in people's heads, they'll be too, like, hello. Yeah. How are you? I think it might be beneficial to maybe flip that around and sort of be like, hey, so I'm from a small town.

Yeah. Because I'm sure she knows. I know. I'm sure it's in her fucking head like but it we've all seen get out yeah and it's like i think but i think like showing initiative and being like you know i mean like taking care of them and being i don't know why i'm nodding at you you can't hear my nods oh wait or can you okay speak again yeah um telling. There it is. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Being like, hey, like my parents aren't shit, but like there is a bit of like that small town mentality. And like, I really hope they don't say anything, but I promise like anything they do say isn't directed meanly toward, you know what i mean and just sort of like because at least then you're you're being aware of it because like it would kind of suck to like walk in there and then they're just like that muslims are at it again yeah you know what i mean and then she's like uh yeah well i was actually agreeing with you so when i was saying like i'm sure she knows like i'm sure it's in the back of her head i wasn't saying that in a don't tell her because she knows i'm saying that in a like when you tell her she knows. I'm saying that in a, like, when you tell her, she's not going to be like, what? Like, she knows. So, like, just get out ahead of it and say, like, look, I'm just, like, I don't think anything will happen.

But, like, if someone is saying anything or being weird or whatever, like, here's a code word. Like, let me know. And I can, like, you know, if so, then at least they feel comfortable saying, like, hey. Because if they are offended by something and you haven't had that talk, maybe they don't want to insinuate your family shit. Well, that's the thing. It's like the last thing when you're meeting like your significant others,

parents, the last thing you want to do is like, start shit. You know what I mean? Especially on Christmas and be like, cause then it's like, Oh, you're one of those sensitive type.

You know what I mean? And like, and then it's like, when do you find the time to sneak away from the family to what I mean? And then it's all about the PC. When do you find the time to sneak away from the family, to let them know? And it can just get shitty. So have a safe word or a code word, you know?

Yeah. Or just, yeah. Say like Mary Sexmas. You're going to be on defense. You know what I mean? You're going to be kind of running interference here. And if you see the conversation going, you know your parents, you know your family better than. And like, if you see the conversation going, like, you know, your parents,

you know, your family better than anyone else. If you know that a conversation that like everyone, you know what I mean? Like you have every year, if you see it going that direction, if anyone starts talking about like immigration or, you know what I mean?

Like there are hot button topics that like, you know what I mean? If anyone mentioned just, yeah, just like, I don't know. So what about that shotgun or something yeah talk about varmint yeah um maybe like talk about the crop yield or something just ask them to swap tractors yeah be like damn is that a new tractor yeah what's the mileage on that well no you're gonna

be riding tractors at the time so you go hey you hop in this one i'm gonna hop in yours yeah just just let's sell them hog tie them throw them off whatever like uh brand truck that they have and then complain about the rival brand you know what i mean like if they drive a chevy be like fords are shit aren't they and they drive a for, be like, Fords are shit, aren't they? And if they drive a Ford, be like, well, at least you don't have a Chevy. They fall apart every five minutes. And then they're like, yeah, trucks. We're the worst people. Are we, though?

No. All right. Good luck. Godspeed. Want another one? Mm-hmm. I think this is the fastest we've ever been with questions. Yeah, is it good or is it bad?

Okay. Christmas lights for kinky stuff. How safe is it to tie someone up with the lights you put on the Christmas tree? Can it electrocute a person? If so, what could be done to mitigate this? I don't know, to be honest. I imagine the chances of electrocution are a pretty slim what i would say is get leds so they're not hot if you get like the incandescent ones yeah they get very hot very fast they do also like they're not meant for like twisting

well they're not meant for tying someone up yeah so it could be very uncomfortable or painful or just not work and break and also i think you've got to be really careful about placement like if you have them lying down and they're putting pressure on the bulbs the bulbs are going to break you have broken bulbs in your fucking bed while you're naked that's not fun yeah that's what i'm saying like leds are usually plastic so like yeah start with those because that way no one's getting fucking scorched yeah i don't think like if you're going in thinking that this is going to be a suitable replacement for bondage rope it's not yeah so maybe use bondage rope or use handcuffs or whatever and then wrap them around that so

it's not like it's involved but it's not not strictly the, you know, the method of. Yeah. Like if you're doing it just playfully, then it doesn't fucking matter. Do it loosely and just sort of like, you know, a couple of times around the wrist. But if you want to like actually secure them, I wouldn't use fucking lights. You know what I would do? Tie around his dick and lead him into the bedroom. No.

I mean, yeah. If anything's going to get tied around my dick, I him into the bedroom. Oh, no. I mean, yeah. If anything's gonna get tied around my dick, I would be okay with Christmas lights. Hot. Broken. No. Stop going to the shitty, like, 1980 bulbs.

You don't use glass bulbs. It's 2018 now. We got LED plastic, baby. Yeah, also, just make them wear a full rubber suit so that they cannot get electrocuted. Yes. And just fucking like... The heaviest boots. I mean, to be fair...

Borrow them off your family. Those like pleather, like full body gimp suits. There you go. Like if you're into bondage, fuck it. Let's go all the way in. Yeah. And then you're so safe. Gimp them up in like the most rubberized thing.

Or just borrow some fucking work boots off Daryl at the Christmas. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And then you're so safe. Gimp him up in like the most rubberized thing or just borrow some fucking work boots off Daryl at the Christmas table to distract him. Perfect. Oh my God. Be like, yo, Daryl. Yeah. He starts talking about- I know you're working down at the plant.

Yeah. I don't know what plant, but the 100% works at a plant. Yeah. Be like, you got any rubberized safety gear? Yeah. And the second he starts talking about like- And then that's how you get your girlfriend into it be like she's big into standardized safety and then they're like oh

shit but then she's thrown under the bus what if he well she knows nothing about what she's very unsafe as a person it's gonna stress poor daryl out flip it you do the constant or like the classic conversational trick and just ask them questions. Be like, are you, like, what kind, what kind do you use? Oh,

me too. Yeah, you take notes so that when you get home you can tire up in electrical lights and dick her

into the mattress. Yeah. Wow, we fixed it. Yeah, we're solving every problem. Fuck yeah. Merry Christmas

to you guys. Sexmas. Shit. God damn it. And hit me with another one. Ohmas. Shit. God damn it. Then give me another one. Oh, Jesus. I almost dropped it. This is my last question.

I'm out of them after this. Let's go. I still got like fucking 72. My husband always gets me the best lingerie for Christmas Eve sexy times. I know part of it's for him, but he has the uncanny ability to pick an outfit that I love and feel sexy in. Other than sexual acts and said lingerie, what sexy gift can I get him to return the favor? You know what?

I have a question that is basically that. However, my answer was going to be that. Sexual acts? Yeah. Or just like a present for him. You know what I mean? You could buy him lingerie for yourself and that's a present for him. Yeah.

Most of the time it's like guys get girls lingerie to be like you're gonna put it on and then we're gonna fuck in it hell yeah um which is fine but like i don't know i've always struggled with this because like i always feel bad that the girls go through so much to sort of like dress up and like yeah it's not easy to get on you know what i mean like most of the time um and like you also don't want to just like throw, throw it on when you're, like, straight out of bed. So you kind of want to go and, like, have your hair. And, like, you know what I mean? Like, when you're dressing up to look good, it's kind of a full.

Yeah, yeah. So that can be, you know. And, like, I don't know, like, what can guys do? Other than, like, getting a festive pair of, like, boxer briefs, which, you know. You wrap some lights around your dick yeah like no i don't know i mean like so here's here's where i was going like here's my train of thought for this and like i don't it's not fully realized but if he gets you lingerie so that he can appreciate you in the lingerie, get him something that he can use on you that you enjoy. Yeah.

So, like, if you like being spanked, maybe get a whip or, like, a paddle or something. And then, you know what I mean? You put on the lingerie, you give him the thing, and then he does the thing that you like. And then he's enjoying you in his gift gift and you're enjoying him using your gift yeah or like if there's something that you find very attractive like that he'll be wearing like get it for him because i feel like guys never really get told very often that like oh you look really hot in this or you're really sick like we don't really have like lingerie but the thing that's usually like like, a suit.

Fuck it. Get him to fuck you while he's wearing the suit. Like, pretend you're his secretary or something. Yeah, but you can't... Like, you can be, like... A well-tailored suit. Like, you'd have to, like, bring him there and be like... Well, no. There might be something else.

Like, maybe you think you look really good, like, fucking as a builder. You know what I mean? Like, and get, you can get, like, a sexy builder's outfit. Or, like... Or, like, a rubberized safety suit. Mm-hmm. Off Daryl. He'll fucking sort you out.

Yeah. He's just got a closet of them. Yeah. Or, like, even, you know, like, if you get him something that makes him feel sexy in the way that lingerie does to you, I feel like that'll be really nice for him. But also, I feel like in this question, she's not, like, I'm going out of my way to whatever. I feel like she likes lingerie and it's a gift for her. Yeah.

Even though they do whatever with it. I think she's just in general looking for a way to like pay him back, you know, or like not pay him back, but like to reciprocate with a good sexy gift that he'll enjoy. Cause I feel like she's enjoying the lingerie. It's not like I'm doing this for him. I want him to do something for me.

So was there any other sexy gifts you can think of for a guy? That's what I'm like. I don't know. Yeah. Give him a flashlight. Yeah. But but i mean like that'd be i feel like there's a weird thing to be like here i am all sexy here's a thing other than me to fuck you know and it's like there's nothing wrong with it but like that's the thing i'm just thinking about our other question and like there's a whole bunch of fucking questions about women getting or wanting vibrators

or dildos for christmas i found a million of them so i was trying to like think of that for a guy i don't know like get him oh you know what make him a sex coupon book yeah where it's like here's one blue job or here's one like full body massage or you you know, that'd be fun. Make him a sexy nude calendar. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think it might be like, I think it has to be sort of like toy related to be used on her. Like get them like handcuffs or something.

Yeah. Or. He doesn't have them. Or maybe get yourself something that he thinks, you know what I mean? Like. Well, that's the thing. You could surprise him by doubling down on the lingerie so he gets you the lingerie he expects like the one fun awesome time but then the next day you wow him by oh hey you drop that trench coat you've been wearing all day for no

reason boom yeah but again i feel like because she says not sexy acts in the lingerie um not sexy acts in that lingerie. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Because I feel like she feels it's a bit redundant and not that much effort if she's just like, hey, it's... Oh, you got me this and now I'm going to blow you. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. It's hard to buy sexy things for guys. Here's the thing. Depending on the guy. If you give him a blow job, he's not going to be unhappy. And like as simple and as shitty as that might sound, like no guy is going to be unhappy with the gift of sex. However, it's kind of cheap and shitty to get sex as a gift.

Unless it's like super something. And even then it's like, I don't know. I don don't know i wouldn't see it as like a transactional thing i would see it like but if it's in lieu of a gift it is i mean i know what you're i know the point you're making um but i think it's like in this case it's okay because like he's he's giving her a gift that's sort of like an open door to sex you know what i mean so then to be like i don't know but i feel like she doesn't feel like she's getting him a gift by doing that yeah no i know but what i'm saying is like most guys would be okay with the sex yeah um have the sex and get him a gift that That's double good. Yeah. Maybe. Get the hot girl from his work to come over. Yeah. Get him a threesome.

Or get him a boy. Which leads us to the next question. How can I find my bi-curious boyfriend a dude to fuck for Christmas? I'm a woman in a casual open relationship with a man, both in our mid to late twenties. For Christmas I want to make one of his big

fantasies come true. Trying to find a man to let my boyfriend suck his dick and or top him for one night during the holidays. What's the best way to go about finding such a down dude? Well, considering I have absolutely no experience picking up men. Oh, this is piss easy. Grindr. Yeah, just go on Grindr. Like, someone's been like, oh, a straight dude's going to suck my dick?

Fuck yeah. Well, I think she wants the guy to suck his dick. No. She said to let my boyfriend suck his dick or top him from one night during the holidays. Oh, yeah. For sure. I mean, I feel like that's a pretty big fantasy for a lot of gay dudes. Yeah, like a lot of gay dudes I know are big into the thought of, like, you know, turning a straight boy or whatever, you know.

Fucking, like, I feel like that would be really easy to do however i don't know how easy it will be to like set that up and or figure out that like who who is his type is and like you know what i mean like i feel like that's the more worrying aspect like if i was in that position i think what you'd have to do is create like like, a joint Tinder account. Mm-hmm. And swipe. You know what I mean? And see who he's saying yes to, to get, like, a taste of his flavor.

Okay, yeah. Like, you can do it as, like, a sexy, like, play thing. But then you follow through in private. I like that. Because I think that's, like, the only way you'd be able to, like, yeah, get his... See what he's up to. Unless, like, you already know. Yeah, if you're a well-known fan. On the more risque side of things, you just find a cruising spot, bring him along.

But that's a little wet and wild. That could be a little much for someone who's never been before. Yeah, I feel like they'd just be like, well, go in those woods. Yeah, get in there. Don't come out until you're a man. But I feel like that's a pretty easy problem to solve. woods. Yeah. Get in there. Yeah. Don't come out until you're a man. But I feel like that's a pretty easy problem to solve. Like, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, again, I don't know how easy it would. But like anyone, like all my gay friends who use Grindr, it makes it seem like it's sort of like dynamite fishing. You just kind of like. Yeah. Yeah. You got pretty sure. And then like.

Huck up your good. Yeah. Find the relationship. That's the hard part yeah um you would also have to sort of like anytime you introduce a new partner in like there's always the worry of like are they clean are they safe yeah not crazy that's why i was saying maybe no to the cruising yeah um and also like i guess ground rules too which is maybe hard to figure out without their input you know because or maybe start talking to the guy and once they're mainly down you approach the boyfriend and like go through the rest with him as opposed to just like surprising him with a dude yeah i don't think

the right answer here is like he's like, hey, meet me upstairs. And then like, there's just fucking Daryl sitting on the bed. That's his secret shame. He doesn't want to admit to his family that he's gay. Daryl, it's not a shame. Daryl, you're good. Daryl, it's fine.

2018. Those, your family, they're progressive, apparently. Your brother has a black girlfriend. Yeah. You can bring home a boy. And if not, fuck them. Yeah. Assholes.

You don't need to hide your shame under all that rubber electrical gear. Yeah, if you peel away the rubber layers, you'll find a sensitive... What are we doing? Gay man. You don't have to be sensitive to be gay. What the fuck are you trying to say? That's true. He works at the plant.

Well, we've ruined Christmas. Here's what my game plan would be. Go on Tinder and be like, let's find you a boy and swipe. And you might just find one there. You know what I mean? You might get a match and talk and be like, cool, if this is something you're into yeah let's make it happen like tell him you find it hot that he's into dudes and play like a game where you want to like you know see who he likes and who's out there and whatever you know um and then and then if like if nothing comes to the tinder round go to grinder start like use the knowledge you've gained from

your tinder round uh find someone on grinder meet up with them, discuss, you know, and be like, this is kind of what I want to do. Are you down for that? And then maybe have, like, a three-way, like, hangout. Coffee date or drinks or something. You know what I mean? And, like, meet up and just be like, are we all gelling?

Are we all on the same page here? Okay, cool, I'm going to go fuck off for three hours and you guys go have your thing. Yeah, and that's the thing i feel like you can definitely like lay the groundwork and as the surprise i don't think you should just be like it's a dude yeah and like because a lot of people might not like they might like the idea but then once presented with the opportunity be like oh no this isn't for me or even just like it's a lot to just spring on someone. Like they might need to get ready mentally.

You know what I mean? Or like, yeah. Especially if they've never done it before. It's like, yeah. Yeah. Like,

and also it can be kind of fun anticipating this. So like, you know, if, if you kind of like lay the groundwork, they can come in and like tailor it to make sure it's exactly what they want. And secondly, like they get to be fucking jazzed about it for like a week or two.

And like that tension is going to make them super, you know, excited. Yeah. Yeah. Nailed it. Do it. You get him that boy. Where do I find a boy? What?

Oh. Okay. I'm going to go through a few just really funny questions because some of them... This is one question. I want a woman's for Christmas. That's it. There's actually an aisle in Walmart. There's like a woman's section.

And you can pick up women's there? You just pop in there and just grab the one you like. Nice. I wanted to get some mystery into today as well. i didn't want to just be like you know sometimes you gotta leave those presents wrapped right yeah you don't know what's under so this is i'm adding this handjob machine to my christmas list asap and there's a

link which does not work anymore and then i assume it's because so many people like they got the red hug you know what i mean where it's like everyone just sort of like hits that link immediately and they're just maybe it's been a few years it's been six years oh wow and uh the first comment 100 i guarantee you that thing ripped someone's dick off and you're out of business probably the first comment is oh i have to stand that's it that's all you get that's the only comment yep yeah a hundred percent that thing had like gained sentience and started just ripping dicks off like have you ever seen those like shitty robot yeah thanks with like the ketchup and the thing burping baby a hundred percent it was that and someone was just like oh this is really nice and then it was just like kicking it

over here yeah someone's like a harder yep um and we also have i think maybe my favorite also six years ago hanukkah good for oiling up not good for safe words and a link that also leads nowhere what does that mean so give me that one more time i want to hanukkah good for oiling up not good for safe words and a link what what's the link it just says like dead but like it says anti-girlfriend oh i mean you click it it doesn't direct anything no it like the url we'll see i think it brings me to like a wordpress so maybe it was an erotic Oh. I mean, you click it, it doesn't direct anything? No. Like, the URL? What's the URL? I think it brings me to, like, a WordPress. So maybe it was an erotic story, but that doesn't really answer much more questions.

Hanukkah. Good for oiling up. Is there an oily aspect to Hanukkah I'm unaware of? Yeah, no, because, like, the whole Hanukkah was, like, the candle lasted. Like, they weren't burning, like, an oil lamp. Were they? Was there an oil something? I don't know.

Isn't that... Was there an oil something that burned for a long time? Also, wouldn't... Are you using Hanukkah oil? It wouldn't, like, it'd be a really good save for it? Why would you be yelling at Hanukkah during sex? Unless you were trying to have, like, subtle sex at the dinner table during Hanukkah. And it was going well, but then somebody mentioned Hanukkah

and she was like, oh yeah, or he was like, yeah, I love Hanukkah. And you stopped and then they got angry at you because they're like, I oiled myself up with this candle oil. This sacred oil that saved our people. I don't know anything about Hanukkah. I have no clue. My godparents are Jewish. I've been to a bar mitzvah and a bat mitzvah and I couldn't tell you a single know anything about Hanukkah. I have no clue. My godparents are Jewish. I've been to a bar mitzvah and a bat mitzvah, and I couldn't tell you a single goddamn thing

about Hanukkah. I went to a Jewish school for six years. Did you actually? My high school. There's Jewish people in Ireland? Yeah. Enough to fill a school? There were like six in the school.

That seems strange. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe the safe word isn't good because they grunt real weird and they're like, Hanukkah! Hanukkah! Or maybe they couldn't say Hanukkah because they were on fire. Yeah, because... Well, no, he said it's good for oiling up. Exactly. But bad for a safe word. So the oil worked perfectly. The fire burned for a long time.

Steven, why are you on fire? Hanukkah! Hanukkah! No, it's just like ahhh! Is that Hanukkah or just ahhh? That's a mystery I'll never be able to solve and I'm going to be thinking about it forever because I hate unsolved mysteries. Oh Oh this one's fucking great Okay

Okay ready Yep Christmas songs a red flag There's a new girl that I've been talking to We got on the subject of alarm clocks And she told me she listened to Christmas songs year round To wake her up Because it makes her happy and excited when she wakes up in the morning

For some reason this has completely turned me off from her Am I overreacting or is this really fucking weird um i get it but at the same time that's kind of insane i think that's adorable though that's what everyone in the comments says everyone's like you're an asshole if this turned you off everything will turn you off like but it is kind of nice but it's also kind of terrifying i mean like it's kind of sweet i don't't know. That's like, you know, I listen to nursery songs in the morning. I'd be like, okay, you mental fucking lunatic. Nah, I think I'm into it.

You flesh eater? I don't know. I mean, I guess it depends on, like, what Christmas song. Oh, I swear to God, if it's something like fucking I Want an Alien for Christmas, she needs to be set on fire with Hanukkah oil. An Alien for Christmas? Have you never heard that fucking hell song? No. Are you talking about the hippopotamus song? No. I want an alien

for Christmas. No. It's just well, I'll play it for you. Let's get sued over that. Alright, let's do it. I have a song to play for you. Do you want me to do that first? I guess. Okay. Is it a song we can play? Who fucking knows? I don't know how this works. I think what you want to hear is more of this.

Oh, fuck off. What the fuck? What the fuck? Is it also dead? Pause that shit. Is the donkey dead? Pause that shit. Is the donkey dead? Why? You said we resurrected him.

No, I said he was here. And we resurrected Bing Crosby. Okay. Well, are you ready for this? This is going to cut in about just after the first chorus. Okay. I'm staring at the clock. I'm waiting for my Santa clock. In and out my chimney. Cause he's been around the block. just after the first chorus. Okay. All my clothes Santa, pat me on the wrist Put me on your naughty list

All the boys are yelling You're a ho-ho-ho You're my sticky little gift I'll unwrap you with my kiss So hot I can't resist I'll be your ho-ho-ho Tonight, tonight, tonight I'll be your ho-ho-ho

Tonight, I'll be your ho-ho-ho Tonight, tonight, tonight I'll be your ho-ho-ho Tonight, I'll be your ho-ho-ho Tonight, tonight, tonight I'll be your ho-ho-ho Tonight I'll be your ho-ho-ho As I lick your bonnet's peppermint I'm gentle with this ornament Icing up my lips Smell what's kind of in my senses

I gotta stop, I know I gotta quit it Jesus Christ, would you please save me? Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas! You girls have been so good this year! Jesus Christ, would you please save me? Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. You girls have been so good this year. Oh, what are you doing with that candy cane? What? I'm not supposed to go in there.

What are you guys doing? Stop it now. Wow. Yeah. So you're giving me shit for Dominic the donkey, and I just listened to Santa Claus get sodomized by a peppermint stick. You know what? I never thought I would hear something worse than that song and then fucking Donna, Donna

make. I also have something that's worse, but I don't think we can actually play that on the podcast because it's just highly offensive. Yeah, no, it's not. I'm going to play for you afterwards. Okay. Do we have any more questions? Are we done with questions?

I have so many questions. All right. Hit us with one more question. Oh, only one? I have so many questions. All right. Hit us with one more question. Oh. Only one? I don't know. Because I realize I have a whole, like, I also went out and got hammered the other day and made everyone at the party submit questions.

God damn it. So we have a whole bunch of people. All right. Let's rapid fire this. Okay. We're going into pro mode now. Did mommy really kiss Santa Claus? No.

Who did kiss? Dad. Dad was dressed up as santa claus uh how do you wrap your cock as a present safely if they ask uh gently basically don't use scissors is butt stuff a suitable holiday offer and request uh for who um either yeah why not i think it's don't be upset if they say. It's a better offer than it is a request. Yeah. Like, yeah.

How slash when do you break up at Christmas? Oh, um, I would do it before the holidays. Yeah. Like don't do it after. Cause they're going to give you gifts. Exactly. And then you're like, oh, hey, thanks for your gifts. Fuck you.

Ha ha. Um, if you're going to break up slash unsure should you go meet the family no uh can i flavor my dick safely like candy cane without using a condom uh yep but you have to carve it into the shape of one too yeah if you're gonna you have to make it look like the food you're making it tastes like. Yeah, or else it's going to be fucking weird. Which reindeer would you fuck? I should, I'm going to revert back.

You can get essential oils that like, that are safe to use on your dick. Are you sure? Because your dick's really sensitive and some of that shit is real potent.

There's like, don't use like, just put straight oil oregano on there. Yeah, like don't use mint extract or like, the essential oils you would use for like, like a burner or whatever um there is sex just use tonic oil

there is sex safe like flavored oils that you can use usually like a lube or something hell yeah uh which reindeer would you fuck probably prancer vixen ah you failed no vixen's probably a bitch even better prancer's probably just like super... You know what? I actually agree. Totally. I just had to look them up to see what their names were because I don't know. And I was like, yeah, good job.

Is cuffing season really real? If so, how long does it last? I think it kind of is, I guess. I think it's pretty much real. Like the amount of people who fucking get into relationships about the time summer ends and leave them about the time summer starts well here's here's what i was thinking i was like it makes sense because if you get into a relationship around like late october early november you don't want to break up around christmas right so and then you're like you're kind of be like, I don't want to break up too soon after Christmas.

But then Valentine's day is right around the corner. So you're like, well, I don't want to break up before Valentine's day. And then you don't want to break up before steak and blowjob day in March. Yeah. You know what I mean? So like you end up like kind of waiting for all those big holidays to come, which usually ends around, you know, spring. So I think that happens to a lot of people where they end up getting like trapped. And if like, if their birthday is somewhere in there as well, you're like, fuck.

And you kind of lock yourself in. And I think that happens to a lot of people. And I think that is sort of like the artificial cuffing season. That's fair. I will say cuffing season does not exist in Ireland because we don't have fucking hell winters like you guys do. So there's no like, oh, I don't want to leave my house. I may as well just have a relationship for a few months while i fuck safely but here's the thing like cuffing season

made sense because like someone still had to leave there like you're not living together if you just started dating yeah you're not in this it's like there's a difference between like going down the road to a place you know to go and you know as opposed to like i have to go out and search which means i go to this bar oh shit there's nobody in this bar now i gotta go to another bar it's way easier to get on tinder just be like me me at the bar across the street from me if you especially if you're a girl that's fair um but again like i don't know how i don't know if it's a thing now that tinder exists yeah i think that was that was all the christmas themed ones anyway oh no month before christmas star relationship oh what present do you get them, if any?

Sorry, what was the beginning of that? No, it's too late. Well, we did it. Rubberized safety gear. Yeah, you start dating the month before Christmas. What, if anything, do you get them? Get them something relevant to, like, what you guys have done so far, I think. You know what I mean? Like, if your first date was to a movie or something like give them a gift card to Cineplex and then like buy them a super ticket.

Yeah. OK, let's get real. Not Christmas related. Has anybody in the fucking world ever bought a goddamn fucking super ticket to any fucking movie ever? Tell me, please. So I'm going to describe what a super ticket is, because like if you're in fucking where australia sweden whoever those people are but um hellhole so there's there's a thing there's like a deal when you go see a movie at the the movie theaters that exist here called cineplex um you can upgrade your ticket you can pay more and then you get like a digital download of the movie when it comes out on dvd i think yeah i think that's a deal um why who has okay honestly somebody fucking tell me because anyway if you've ever got a super ticket if you know anybody because i doubt it i'm sure

there's like i bet like there's like older people who do it it makes me so angry well we got through all like the listener or like the yeah thank you by the way to everyone who submitted i know some people put their name down and some people wanted agent names, but there were too many. Too quick. So I'm just going to put out a general thank you and maybe read some names. If it's a group, it doesn't matter, right? So no one is the particular names, right? Does anyone mind?

I don't care. Phil, Annie, Leticia, Adriana, Jan, Phil, Chris, everybody. You guys are the fucking best. Thank you for submitting. Yeah, thanks so much, guys. Alright, I the fucking best. Thank you for submitting. Yeah, thanks so much, guys. All right. I think we're getting to the end of our holiday spectacular.

Oh, man. I have so many more. Okay. Do you want to do another? Fuck it. If you want to do another. What are we looking at time-wise? Well, we're at 57 minutes right now. Cool.

But there was like all that shit. But you're not cutting that. I probably will. Tinder during the holidays. It's like, holy shit. Where did all these actually interesting and attractive people come from? If only that's how my local radius looked at all points of the year. But alas, it's just a temporary influx of big city dwellers visiting the family or friends.

I think they're complaining about that. That sounds great. A whole bunch of fucking sexy singles popping in for like two weeks of fun. Enjoy. And maybe move to the city if your fucking town sucks that much. Daryl. You'll never find the man of your dreams in the small town. Yeah.

Maybe you will. Maybe you'll find like a hunky little woodcutter or something. I'd watch that Christmas movie. I promise you Hallmark has made it. Didn't they make like 4,000 this year or something? That's all they do. I bet. Here's, I'm going to give you the, I'm going to give you the like the rundown of this Hallmark

movie. Steven is a workaholic, and he ends up getting sent on a remote Christmas assignment. He has to skip Christmas in the city, and he has to go to this shitty backwater place to get... I love how Lumberjack is from the big city. No, forget the Lumberjack. Well, I don't want to watch it anymore. I don't know.

Maybe he's a carpenter for a big city job thing. He's overworked. He's an architect. And he's got to go to the plant to get them to sell it. And the plant's a toy factory. So last one. Last family-owned toy factory in the state. I don't think you should give this away.

We could write this. I could write a thousand Hallmark movies. Continue. So he's like the work hall and he's trying to get uh daryl to sell his toy factory he's like no this is fuck that he comes in and he works the first day without the proper safety precautions he gets electrocuted he falls backwards and what does he see but a rubberized suit floating above him but no it's not animate it contains daryl daryl picks him up their eyes meet he's smoldering slightly both with his eyes and with his charred skin he can't char skin it's hallmark he's got to be hot he's got to be hallmark hot the whole way

holding a ham while he does it and the charred skin of the ham is also smoldering and daryl makes a joke about not initially because he's very upset they didn't follow the proper safety precautions but then he's like oh that ham looks perfectly cooked and he's like yeah but i don't have anyone to share my meat with daryl's like this isn't a hallmark movie at all this is your goddamn smut novels well you know what there would never be sexual innuendo in a Hallmark movie. There's playful like, oh no, you've got icing on your nose and there's like a playful little wipe.

That's what Hallmark's about. You've sullied this movie. And this closet. And this holiday. You've ruined Sexmas. I'll take it back. No, you haven't. Sexmas. Speaking of Sexmas, are are you gonna hit us with our newest segment yeah you know what fuck it there's too many here you got enough christmas

maybe i'll maybe i'll put them in the next episode too who knows sure who knows we fucking don't we don't plan any of this shit no no we do not we do not. Okay, so you're ready to... Are you dreaming of a white Christmas? Oh, please tell me it's Christmas themed. It's not. Oh, wait.

Actually, I do have a Christmas sex poem for some reason. No, I want to hear the dirty gritty stuff. Man, I'm getting over a cold and I feel like my voice is just like...

So sexy, like usual. Extra raspy. This is a quick Christmas poem. Okay. For some reason, somebody decided to write this and then put it on the internet for other people to see. Gone away is the blue balls. All the day decking her halls. We're happy tonight.

It's wrong but feels right. Fucking in a winter wonderland. For some reason, someone decided to do that. And then someone commented, Beautiful poem. Christmas sex amazing. Especially Christmas morning sex. Talk about a wonderful gift.

Although I do disagree with you, sex isn't wrong. To be fair, it's like I'm kind of on that guy's side. Why is it wrong? I don't know. Who's he fucking? Daryl. Y'all have to think like that. I know,l it's a beautiful thing man woman woman man man man anything it doesn't matter once it's not involving the christmas donkey or fucking a reindeer like

that song we may or may not have played earlier on uh yes if it's consensual adults experiencing the joys of lovemaking, it's fine, Daryl. Yeah. Okay. This is Katerina by James Frey. Oh, boy. Let me get comfortable. Hold on. Or wait.

See, there's too many here. I've gotten comfortable, and I'm ready. Okay. I'm going to do this, because I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. I'm hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked our hearts and souls and bodies locked come inside me come inside me come inside me blinding breathless, shaking, overwhelming, exploding, white god, I come

inside her, my cock throbbing, we're both moaning, eyes, heart, souls, bodies, one, one, white god, come, come, come. I close my eyes, let out my breath, come.

The most upsetting thing about all of this is the fact that I always maintain eye contact with you until the point where I can't do it anymore. Yeah, I don't know why you do. Can you please tell me, when he says the first white god, is he calling semen white god or is it white comma god? Oh, there's no fucking punctuation whatsoever. Oh, that's... Well, there is, but no, there is no comma between white and God. It's weird. So it's just white God. Yeah, I know. I was like, is there any other weird fucking

racial overtones here, James Frey? Or is he just saying that semen is white God? Because, I mean, he's not wrong. Well, if he had to comma giant semen that he had to fight, maybe it is a God. Oh, demig demigod yeah i forgot about that question i mean i got a lot to think about tonight it's i got the hanukkah oil you could probably fight you could pour that over the semen and light on fire no the last thing you want to do is grease up a fucking semen. I mean, technically it's a sperm. I think that's the episode title.

Oh boy, that's going to do it for us, I think, kids. Well, we've ruined Christmas. Thank you very much for listening and joining us on the most holiest of days and by that I mean no day in particular just thanks for joining us Monday podcast release day thank you everyone who sent in their questions everyone who sent questions to us if you have a question I don't think we're going to do... I mean, like, next week's going to be New Year's Eve.

That's false. Also, where the fuck did this year go? Someone answer that question. Yeah, answer our time questions. Yeah. Where's your time advice podcast? It's probably the Capoeira thing. Oh, fuck.

True. I'm sorry, guys. We took the year. Sorry. But if you have a question, it doesn't have to be New Year's related, but if it is, great. Lay it on us. You can send us an email at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast, or you can hit us

up on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. Stop trying to flirt with us on Facebook. Random men. Yeah. And, like, I kind of want to, like, pinpoint a geographic location, but it's everywhere. Yeah, no, it's fucking ridiculous. What I do love is, like, I wish I could get a snapshot. Probably not because they're probably jerking it when they open our message. But I wish I could get a snapshot of, like, the disappointment when we cheerfully ignore the fact that they're coming on to us

and ask them if they have a question for the podcast. Yeah. Because you know they're like, Oh, no, you're going to make me think about things? Or, no, you're not a sexy lady. They don't know that. I don't know that. Yeah, maybe.

Sometimes I feel like a... That's another hallmark. It's a busy workaholic who goes to a small town, realizes that he's the sexy lady all along. Is it Steven? Maybe. Does Daryl make him feel? No, no.

Can we afford Shania Twain's damn I feel like a woman? Man I feel like? Man I feel like a woman? Yeah, but we're changing it because... We need to make it edgy. Patriarchy. Also, that's the joke. Also, you know what's amazing?

Nah, I feel like a woman. Damn. No. Because there's nothing damning about it. It's the holiest of feelings. You're not being damned to hell. You're being blessed by femininity. But she's saying damn yeah exactly that's the joke

she's saying man but she feels like a woman get fucking jokes Dave yeah thank you Josh Eagle and the Harvest Seas for the song Paper Stars every week we like to end our podcast just in general with another sex story.

Um, do you have another one for us? I've got like seven. No, we got to say that. I can't, I can't handle it. Um, we, we ended with a, a quote or an article or a tweet from a gentleman named Dan. Um, and he's the antithesis of us. He gives horrible dating and sex advice. Um, and Niall bravely delves into the depths of the Danverse

every week to bring you a slice of his fresh hell. I had to work really hard this week because I initially was going to gift everyone with not having Dan. And that was going to be my gift for you. But instead I managed to, as well judge for yourself. Physical gifts can be special reminders of your love or a small token of your affection.

But gifts come in many other forms and don't all need to be bought from a store at the mall. For instance, the ultimate gift that you can give to a woman is your love. Wait, what? My name is Dean Miller I'm not Spain I'm not I'm the donkey hey I'm Dominic uh we're your fuck buddies I'm Jesus Christ and I'm Santa I'm Bill Crosby I'm Jesus Christ And I'm Santa I'm Bill Crosby

I'm Barry Como I'm Michael Bublé I'm Rudolph What are we doing? Have a great and safe Happy holidays guys Love you Love you

Have a sexy Have a sexmas