F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 14 - Johnny Wolf's Sweat Cave

Episode Date: December 31, 2018

So long, 2018!  Ring in the New Year with your favourite buddies as we dish out this year's last servings of sexy knowledge to help you navigate the troubling time that is New Year's Eve.  We're not going to lie, we barely answer any questions and spend more time detouring into Tangent City, but it's New Year's, we're full of whiskey and we're having a good time!  Topics include the free flight surprise, being homo-kay with your gayness, the great New Year's orgy mystery, Dain's excellent solo New Year's adventure and the hot dumpster fire that is Riverdale. Thank you so much for spending time with us this year, we promise to keep answering your questions and guiding you through anything 2019 throws your way.  Happy New Year!

I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Damian White And my name is Niall Spain And we are of course, your fuck buddies Welcome back.

We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. It's like the first time I've gotten it right. I'm going to lie to everybody and tell them that you got it wrong four times and edited them out. I should just record a bunch. Like, by myself. And just, yeah. I was trying to think, could we have changed it to like a New Year's one? Unless we just said festive again.

New Year, new pod? New Year, new pod. Yeah, things are gonna be real different next episode. Just a heads up. We're gonna be shaking everything up. Yeah. Change absolutely every,

from the ground up. This is our last episode. We're switching hosts. Yeah. We're changing everything. last episode. We're switching hosts. Yeah. We're changing everything. Fucking renovation. We're going to extend the closet. Yeah, we're making the closet a little bigger.

Pretty much the only thing that's changed. It's all visual changes. You won't notice anything. Yeah, I'm going to wear more suits. Yeah. Dan's going to wear less suits. We're going to meet in the middle. Yeah.

50-50. You'll wear track pants and a suit jacket, and I'll wear pants and nothing on the top. It's going to be erotic. It's a Jason Statham look. Why do I get fucked over with the warm clothes in the closet? Deal with it. I'm going to wear a mesh suit jacket so the air can get in. Ooh.

Every gay man in Miami just got hard, and they don't know why. Because you just invented the mesh suit. Oh, hell yeah. Well, guys, happy New Year's Eve. Also, we forgot to do this. Oh, yeah, we didn't do it. Hey, let's try bottoms. Worse?

I don't know. Well, it was something. But yeah, this is New Year's Eve. And happy New Year's Eve. Do you have any plans? I hope. I was talking. That's it.

Yeah, I wasn't going to answer you. I don't know. Suck 100 dicks. How do you know my New Year's plans? I don't know. Like, I kind of hope this is, like, what people listen to early New Year's Eve. I hope so, yeah. And get themselves just, like, rock hard and dripping wet for.

Like, you wake up, you pop a song, and you're like, I'm ready for the night. Or why not pop this out during pre-drinks? I don't know. It's kind of redundant to me to say this because you're already listening. So unless you want to listen to it again. Yeah. Stop listening right now. Wait for pre-drinks.

Do the pre-drinks or download it twice. Yeah. Just get everyone and be like, you don't get to drink in my apartment until you download this podcast. And we'll give you a new year's kiss. We like, you don't get to drink in my apartment until you download this podcast. And we'll give you a New Year's kiss. We'll find you. There you go.

All right, do you want to start it off? Sure. None of mine are at all New Year's related. Okay, then how about we just do all of mine, which are literally all New Year's related. Let's do it. Sure. Mine aren't that good. They can wait for next week.

Okay, where do we start? I know you haven't seen any of them. You not be that good. They can wait for next week. Okay. Where do we start? I know you haven't seen any of them, but... Yeah, you know, that one. Okay, we'll start with this one. Perfect. So, should I fly out to take a girl I'm seeing to dinner on New Year's Eve? I am a 23-year-old male. I've been seeing a 22-year-old female for a little less than two months, 10 to 14 dates. She's currently out of state visiting family for the holidays.

I'm thinking about asking her out to dinner on New Year's Eve and using that opportunity to ask her to be exclusive slash official. This would entail me flying out to where she is staying, which isn't a problem. I have flight benefits, so it's free and it's only an hour flight. So my point of view is an easy thing. I'm just wondering if that would be considered too much slash to try hard, or if it's a good idea. We've been in constant contact through text. Since school got out on the 20th, any thoughts would be appreciated. What the hell? Kind of 23-year-old gets free goddamn flights. Yeah.

I don't even care about this guy's problems. They're not problems. She says, no, fuck it, go to Milan. Yeah, you got free flights, man. Don't tie yourself down. Yeah, she's holding you back. No, for reals though, what do you think? Too try hard?

It depends on, like, the quality of these dates. You know what I mean? Like, if it's been, like, fucking awesome, and you're just, like, you know your head over heels for this girl, fucking do it. Like, if it's a free flight and it's an hour away like i don't know i feel like people travel like driving out to surprise people like long distance relationship people who drive like three hours it's like it's kind of the same shit right yeah and then like i don't know if if she doesn't already have plans like don't hijack her night like if she's already been like i've got a big thing with the girls be like okay cool yeah but like if she if she's mentioned like i wish you were here fucking show up who cares

yeah i definitely wouldn't like surprise her with it i would talk to her and be like hey by the way like yeah do you have any plans like whatever and then be like if she doesn't be like hey i was thinking about flying down we'd go for dinner like and then downplay the flight like because to me it's like yeah it's cool that it's free and it's only an hour for him. However, for her, somebody getting a flight to come to see you for like a night, it's kind of intimidating, and it's kind of like a big gesture,

which for only two months, I think that's a little too much. However, again, it all depends contextually. But also, are you literally only going down for one night? Because if not, it's going to be really awkward for her if she's home to do family stuff for the holidays, and all of a sudden she's like, all depends contextually like but also are you literally only going down for one night because if not it's gonna be really awkward for her if she's home to do family stuff for the holidays and all of a sudden she's like but there's randomers in town i'm gonna be off with him or then she kind of feels obliged to invite you or like it i guess it all again depends what her

plans for being home are but at just the two month period, I would personally say nah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I think it really depends on like those two months. You know what I mean? Like if you've gotten the vibe that it's just sort of like everyone's keeping it casual because that's just what you do in the first two months. But like if it seems like she's doing it because she wants to stay single. Yeah, that's a lot of pressure. And like, you might end up doing the whole like ultimatum thing where if you're like, Hey, let's be exclusive.

It's going to be a tough way to say no. If you, if you've like, so I would say it's a big night. It's a big, I would maybe you're putting a lot of pressure on them. Cause you've taken a flight. You've come down for new, you know what I mean? Like you're going to change my answer. I'm going to say fly out, but don't ask the question. Yeah. You're putting a lot of pressure on them because you've taken a flight. You've come down for new, you know what I mean? Like you're going to change my answer. I'm going to say fly out, but don't ask the question.

Yeah. Yeah. But also only fly out if they are free and willing to meet up. Yeah. Yeah. Like test the waters. You know what I mean? Cause again, like if she's got plans with her friends. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, especially if like, if she's gone home, um, there might be friends that she only sees like this time of year. And like, it kind of sucks to be like, Oh, sorry. You know? Yeah. Friends. I might, the guy I'm banging back home is in town and he surprised me and I kind of

have to do this cause he took a flight. Yeah. And that's also free. The sun is going to be bad for her to be like, yeah, sorry. I don't want you to come down cause I have plans with my friends but that's totally valid like i have friends i only see when i get to go home which is pretty rare and like i wouldn't sacrifice that for a huck up you know what i mean yeah even if i was very nearly you know what i mean because like you're only home for maybe a week or two yeah you can deal like you can go without that and like it could come off as

like possessive or jealous that like you aren't giving them like the new years or like their time like it's a fine line to to kind of travel yeah i think you definitely gotta like tip your dip your toe in the pool and see see what the water's like before you do it yeah yeah i think if you come across like you literally can't let them out of your sight long enough to go home especially if like they're not exclusive like new year's a pretty big hookup you know what i mean especially like if she's going back home with like you know that hot high school guy who like she always kind of wanted to hook up with what was a little too young you know i mean but like now she's this sexual being and you know and jeremy's back

because there's jeremy mill is closing down that toy shop damn it yeah i think we solved that one yeah just you know gotta really pay attention to those like yeah cues um if at any point in time she says sure don't do it yeah she really needs to be like okay this is uh this is uh if someone did that to me i'd be like okay yeah no i should probably not do that okay uh new year's resolution stop all gay thoughts what stuff should i do to achieve this and ironically this person's reddit name is i am in control uh okay 2014 is almost here and i only have two resolutions for. My first resolution is to find a good job after finishing my master's degree. The second one is to get rid of all my gay thoughts.

In other words, stop watching gay porn. Since I'm already in my mid-twenties, I have already corrupted my mind with years of gay porn. I can't remember the last time I finished without thinking about a guy. However, I'm too old for this shit. I need to stop with the gay thoughts now, since I need to start dating seriously once i finally settle after college so what is the best way to accomplish my goal i just tried the no fap stuff again but i think this is not the correct solution first i should fix the gay stuff then i should worry about if i'm watching too much porn yeah i think this is the angriest i've ever been at a question it's like even the one about like

pulling girls hairs in clubs i think this upsets me the most yeah it's it's fucked because it's like obviously i think we're both gonna say the same thing here there's nothing wrong with having gay thoughts yeah you're clearly gay or or bi like yeah but i mean like if he's solely getting off yeah on gay sex and like can't finish unless he's thinking about a guy it's like yeah the gay thoughts aren't going away yeah and like i love like this the fucking weird logical leaps in this question like i'm too old for this it's like oh yeah you can only be gay till you're 26 sorry i mean that is the gay cutoff yeah it is right like what um and like it even gets worse in the comments because what what is quite nice

is everybody is basically saying what we are it's like there's nothing wrong with that just like learn to accept that part of yourself and he just like he just doesn't get it yeah i mean like i could tell you right away that this guy doesn't get it well yeah but like it seems that uh it seems that he's just been so poisoned by society that like to him he's like no i need to like grow up get over that and like have a girlfriend and a wife because that's what you do it's funny he's trying to tell him not to and he's like no but like i'm trying to get serious about life and it's like are you fucked yeah you can have the exact same level of commitment and happiness and fulfillment and live a fucking normal life if you're a guy or not like exist yeah but he and that's funny because like

if you didn't mention that like he said it's 2014 i'd be like oh this is from the 80s or the 70s you know what i mean we're like people just like gay men kind of had to just sort of like find their, their beard and marry and be miserable their whole lives. And it's like that. I mean, like I know there are places in the world where that's still unfortunately a thing, but like it's,

if you're in North America, probably, you know what I mean? Like I, again, there are still probably places, but like you could move, like if you've got a message, like, probably, you know what I mean? Like, again, there are still probably places, but, like, you could move. Like, if you've got a message, like, go somewhere out of fucking, you know, some back-ass shitty country town.

Yeah, get your 23-year-old friend with the free flights and fucking head off to New York or some shit. Exactly. Like, there are plenty of of like gay friendly like when i was in when i was in new orleans i thought like because it's the south i thought it was going to be like really sort of conservative but like the amount of shit that they have for like pride even like we went in november which i don't think pride is in in november for new orleans but like there was pride shit up everywhere like everywhere in the in the quarter is, like, they have, like, gay-friendly shit. There's, like, a big saying in New Orleans, which is, like, be nice or leave.

Yes. And there's, like, that's often accompanied by, like, a pride. Yeah, a pride flag. So, like, there are places, like, no matter where you are, I imagine, like, you can find your, like... But, like, that's what kills me about this like he's not even thinking about that because no i know he's not ready to accept that and like that my advice in this situation is accept it there's literally nothing wrong with that and you're never gonna be happy if you're gonna spend your time trying to repress yourself and

like conform to society stand that you every aspect of his life is fucked. Yeah. Sexually, you're not going to be satisfied. If you're just going to be like, I got to get these gay thoughts out and just fuck a chick. You're not going to have fun. She's not going to have fun.

You're not going to have a good time. Nobody's going to have fun. You're going to constantly be trying to get in the butt. Yeah. No, it's just going to be fucked. Your whole life is going to be awful. So just be okay with it. That's what you need to do. You need to just chill, realize there just going to be fucked. Like, your whole life is going to be awful. So just, like, be okay with it. That's what you need to do.

You need to just, like, chill, realize there's nothing wrong with that, and just, like, live your life how you want to do it. And we live in a great time now where, like, you can reach out online. Like, even if you're the one gay dude in your, or girl in your, or, you know, anything on that spectrum. Like, you can go onto forums and Facebook groups and Reddits or, you know, whatever, any, anything on that spectrum. Um, like you can go onto forums and Facebook groups and reddits and you know what I mean? Like there are, there's such a, a vast community outside.

We're so interconnected at this point. Yeah. We're not tied down. You never really have to be alone. To, you know, your small town country, country town where you're like,

can't say anything. Just gotta keep up the status quo. It's like, you can, you can reach out and like become a part of community somewhere else. And like, maybe that'll open doors for you to, you know, travel out and like, you know, roommate with someone who is an experienced gay man or woman or whoever. So like, if you're dealing with this, you think that like you've got to be uh heteronormative because of where you live or because of what you've been raised or your religion tells you or whatever um considering reaching out to people who feel the same as you

and see how they've dealt with it because like i don't remember what we talked about but um like you oh it's the guy who who didn't want to have negative feelings about women um there are people who have dealt with this prior to you and their oh yeah their knowledge their knowledge exists in this world you know i mean like i'm i'm positive five minutes on google and i will find you blogs and websites and you know what i mean? And shit about people escaping this mentality. Yeah. Um,

but the problem is, is like, if you don't want to do it, well, I guess like he wants to fix it. He's just going the wrong way about it. Yeah. And hopefully like there,

again, it was nothing but people supporting like how he feels now in terms of like, there's nothing wrong with, you know, liking anything like liking gay porn or liking or feeling gay or being gay. You know what I mean? Yeah. So, at least that, there was that.

Like, no one at all in the comments was like, oh, yeah, you, like, here's this fucking camp you should go to. Or here's a, like, everyone was like, dude, just fucking embrace it. Yeah. And, like, even if you are straight and, like, if gay porn does it for you, then fuck it. That's the thing. Like, I get the feeling that they are at least somewhat attracted to women as well just from the post. And it's, like, you're allowed to have both, right? Like, everyone's on that scale.

Like, there's no, you can't just, you don't have to be, like, well, just gay or I'm just straight. Like, you can be bi. You can have one with the other. You can have them both. Yeah. And you can, like, next year just change just completely yeah like that like that's the thing it's like sexuality is not fixed no um the whole like sexuality is fluid thing is i believe very strongly in that like i have you know always been heterosexual but like there's there's always like that bit of like

insecurity especially when you're younger um i was always like that bit of like insecurity especially when you're younger um i was always like anyone who was like that guy's hot i was like i don't know i can't tell i'm a guy like i don't find guys to try but it's like now i can totally be like yeah it's a good looking dude yeah yeah um yeah like and i think that like opens you up sexually you know what i mean like definitely like there's there's no, once you can get over that stupid idea of just being like, boy, I'm in this box, you're going to be a lot happier. And, like, you know. Yeah, like, there's no part of me that even, like, looks forward to a sexual experience with a dude.

But, like, at the same time, I can, like, recognize, I can be like. You can look at a dude and be like, damn. Yeah, I can be like, yeah, if I was into dudes, I bet I would be into him. And that's the thing. You don't need to look forward to having a sexual encounter with a guy, but you also don't need to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. The fact that guys can be hot is an alien concept to me. Like, no.

Like, fuck off. Yeah, just embrace it, man. Yeah, and like I said, I don't have the resources to provide to you, but I promise you that there are people and communities out there who, if you are feeling trapped by your sexuality due to your religion or family or whatever, I'm positive that there is online communities that will support you. Yeah. We'll fucking support you. We are supporting you. We'll message you and we'll tell you good things.

You're cool. Just keep going. Do what you want to do. Do what feels good supporting you. Send us a message and we'll tell you good things. You're cool. Just keep going. Do what you want to do. Do what feels good to you. And clearly repressing something that seems to be a big part of your life is not the way to go. Yeah. I mean, keep yourself safe. I know that there are still dangers out there for people of non-heteronormative behavior.

But don't feel like you have to force yourself into that box. No. Okay, do you have something fun? Because, like, the question made me mad. Sure. Invited to New Year's party?

Sex is expected? By hello, ladies. So I was invited to this party by a friend who wanted to have sex with me one year ago. I know this because I overheard it. We flirted a bit, but at the end, nothing happened. Now the same girl is hosting a party. She told me she'd invite me and made a Facebook event.

The event is called Happy Ending. The photo is a poster with the words sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Only eight people are invited. A couple of heterosexual friends. A gay friend. A gay friend. Four girls host included and roll. Only eight people are invited. A couple of heterosexual friends, a gay friend, a gay friend, four girls host included, and me. I'm getting really anxious about this party. I think it's obvious that someone is going to have sex that night. I am not very good at relationships slash sex. Also, I'm a virgin. I am overthinking this. Shocking. What should I do? I'm afraid that everyone might get laid but me and be seen as a loser slash lame guy.

Also, we are all over 18, which I didn't expect from this question. Alcohol will flow. It's a house party. Too long, didn't read, got invited to a New Year's party. Having sex is probably expected from me. Getting nervous about it, never had sex before. Any tips, advice? Edit.

Let's say I do want to have sex. So coy. Right. Let's say I do want to have sex. So coy. Right? Let's say. Hey, let's just put it on the table that let's, you know, hypothetically. Yeah. I want to fucking dick someone into a mattress. Yeah.

Man, I don't think we've ever had like a virgin question before, have we? Other than like the 16 year olds who wanted to like yeah no sex please yeah um well can we just start off by how hilarious like their sherlocking of the situation is yeah breaking down the guests yeah there's like the poster yes the poster is the best part it's like it says sex and drugs and rock and roll like not rock and roll like i feel like he's going in you know those uh those like scenes and movies or like tv shows where like the character walks into a room and it's like it's slow motion and like zooms in on something it's like knife on the table yeah and it's like over and it's like record playing is playing this song you know what i mean it's like i feel like this is

his whole night he's just gonna like overanalyze everything like everything's just gonna be moving in slow motion for him he's just like she just brushed her hair yeah i hear that women touch their hair when they're flirting flirting leads to sex oh my god i need condoms in that drawer probably drawer is locked no one has gone into parents room there's a bed in the parents room what's on the bed yeah yeah like this person needs to take a breath uh i think happy endings is just a fun name for the end of the year right like i don't think this is a you know like everyone knows it's an orgy but him situation this is 100 an orgy this is 100 eyes wide shut like just deviant i had an orgy question but i think i forgot to save it. We had one last week, didn't we?

We had one every week. Yeah, no, this is 100% just like, someone's going to get killed. And it's going to be him. I don't know, man. I think he's the one who's just going to be, like, balls deep in all of them. You know what I mean? Like, I think they know. Who kills who?

I don't know. There's one fucking idiot who's just going to show up and be like, he's going to be like the muscly jock. So it's like the movie Donkey Punch? I have never seen it. There's an orgy on the boat. Someone donkey punches, someone kills them. They throw her off the side, and then it's like,

who's going to tell? Oh, it's kind of like... It's pretty bad. Very bad things? It is a very bad thing. Where they kill the hooker in the hotel room? I don't know. This is spiraled out of control um goodbye guys my like i'm trying to think how i lost my virginity and like so unremarkable as i imagine like almost everyone's is um and like it didn't even really

happen like the first time like so like i was in college and, um, all of our dorm rooms were, it was like, it was like the, the main like kitchen bathroom area. And then they split into like two private rooms. Yeah. Um, so we thought everyone had left. So me and my girlfriend at the time went into her room but then like as soon as it started like getting hot and heavy her roommate and all of their fucking friends who were like we were all in our program like came back into and they were being so fucking loud and we were

also just like you know we didn't want them to know we were fucking in um and so like i got so goddamn nervous that like i managed to get the condom on and like managed to like get inside and then just like immediately went soft just because i was so scared and like so petrified i was just like well there it is mine was like your typical like teen movie kind of one in a sense where that like me i was in a band and we were doing a practice which as it often did back then just degenerated into a giant party and uh we got a whole bunch of cases of beer and just kind of sent out messages so everyone's gold it was dutch gold yes so a bunch of people

started showing up at the house and we were all just like partying and i messaged my girlfriend was like hey do you want to come down and she was like do you still have keys to your friend's place because i was minding their dog i was like yeah and she was like to come down? And she was like, do you still have keys to your friend's place? Because I was minding their dog. And I was like, yeah. And she was like, we should go have sex. I was like, what the fuck? Also, I was meant to go get condoms, but my friend's dad was the guy who worked behind the counter at the pharmacy. So I didn't.

Yikes. So the first time was on my friend's couch. And it was not with protection protection which was a fucking terrible idea especially considering it was three times and yeah thank fuck that one worked out yeah uh psa don't fucking do that because that was the most terrifying month of my life especially because like you really don't know how it works no can you imagine if the first time i had sex i got somebody fucking pregnant at the age of 15 yeah that, fuck. That would have really fucking sucked. I would not be here doing this podcast.

You've pretty much just described my hometown. Yeah, no, it was like, oh, fuck. It was so dumb, and it could have been so, so bad. Yeah, I could have lost my virginity so early, but my town has such a reputation of just like baby locking people and i was like nope not today satan i got plenty of fucking hand jobs and blow jobs but like yeah anytime like anyone tried to fuck i was just like nah yeah i wised up after that which i guess poorly finger you a good time if you want um yeah wised up after that, which is a good thing. We are not answering this guy's question at all.

I mean, maybe. What was the question? Oh, fucking like, firstly, okay. I don't think there's any more chance of you having sex at this party than there has been at any other party you've been to. There's also not any... Eight people, that's a pretty intimate party. Which, again again doesn't

necessarily make it better right because it's gonna be hard to sneak away exactly right bigger party you can sneak away but eight people it's still too many people for the court of the party just disappears yeah right it's too big for everyone to have a room i'm assuming right like if it was four people or like six even that could be like three couples in three rooms and that's doable right yeah whereas like eight a little bit less so or ten i think right anyway i don't know uh i don't think it's quite at the intimate level of like we're all gonna fuck but it's also not at that big level of like i can slip away with you because there's 30 people being loud in this room yeah i mean like i

don't think this guy's intuition is too off. Like, I think there is some, like, sexy connotations. Yeah, but, like, what party doesn't have sexy connotations? Especially when you're 18, right? Like, everyone wants to fuck, but I don't think there's any more or less amounts of wanting to fuck in this particular situation, despite what the poster might say.

I don't know. If you want to fuck. I guess it depends on his stance on drugs and rock and roll as well yeah yeah let's say

I do want to rock and roll yeah I'm gonna like broaden this out cause I think that's the way

we're gonna help with this question it's like losing your virginity is almost always gonna suck that was great I just mean like it's I mean yeah I'm sure there are people out there we're going to help with this quick. It's like losing your virginity is almost always going to suck. That was great. I just mean like it's, I mean, yeah,

I'm sure there are people out there who have had like great mind blowing experiences. But the thing is, it's like, it's, there's so much weight on it. There's so much weight and it's like, you're going to be nervous. You don't really know what you're doing. They probably don't either. They're also nervous. Like it's going to be a bit of a mess.

That's the thing. And like, the thing is, it's also not a big deal any sort of like relatively normal life you're gonna have sex a lot more after that so putting all your all this like sort of weight and importance on the first time it happens yeah it kind of like gets washed away if you have sex like 10 times after that you know what i mean because it's not it isn't that big of a deal it doesn't matter it's like everybody's brought up thinking that it is and it's like this huge thing and then it happens you're like oh well i was reading this and like again i can't uh say anything firsthand but i was reading this thing and it was really interesting to me about like how girls especially teenage girls like all they're told from either their friends or from media or

whatever it's like it hurts yeah it hurts so much it's so painful it's the worst it's you're gonna hate it and like a lot of girls are just like it's fine yeah like i like i'm there's discomfort obviously you know you're yeah you're way through like to expect it to hurt and to expect that to be a like the norm is not good because it can hurt and not be being done the right way you know what i mean so like i think that's a very harmful thing to get out there like no one no one like talks to women about like how did like you know what it's not just pain yeah you know what i mean like it's not just sort of like oh just let him like just let him go yeah it's like because you can do she's also losing her virginity like it's not just about the guy like pounding his way through yeah and not just about her

suffering and pain until it's gone at which point she can start to like yeah i i know girls who've said that like yeah while it was strange and you know not necessarily like or at least the first minute or first little while can take like a bit of adjustment but it wasn't like painful and it wasn't like whatever and they were like brought up their whole lives thinking that it was going to be like just agony that they had to like suffer through yeah and like i also do know people who had bad first times of course and a lot of that i think could have been avoided if people were like aware yeah you know because you can prep and you can like, all we hear is like,

it's the best. You know what I mean? Like no, no one's out there like telling guys like, Oh, you're gonna lose your virginity. That sucks, man.

You know what I mean? Like it's so celebrated. And then like all girls here. And then there's like this inherent sort of like dread. You know what I mean? No matter, no matter what, who you're having sex with or like the,

the quality of the sex, there's this sort of like impending doom that just overwashes female virginity. Yeah. And it's like, if you go into sex, like if I went into sex now as someone who's very sexually experienced and with like a loving partner, if someone's just like, do it right or it's going to really hurt. You know what I mean? Like if someone just snuck up on me

and it's like i've had sex with my girlfriend infinite amount of time if someone like said that to me like you'd better believe i'd be like freaked out yeah but also like i don't know i feel like for guys there's also a lot of like pressure on like afterwards you know what i mean like you don't want her to go and tell people you have a small dick or that you came too quickly or yeah like i think that's the guy panic, right? Like you're just like, well, yeah, there's, there's vulnerability on the guy's side for sure. Cause yeah.

Cause like if you come in like a minute, be like, Oh, he's done it. You know, that's your first time. You probably will. Yeah. Of course you fucking will. Like what the hell's wrong with you? Yeah. There should just be like this sort of blanket statement of virginity and just be like, everyone just shuts their mouth about it.

You know what I mean? Like, no one talks about it. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, everyone's going to do a poor job, probably. Also, like, that it is still a team activity because it's always portrayed as like, you're losing your virginity. They're losing theirs. It's never like you're both.

You know what I mean? Like, because you, it is like sex is a team activity but that's the first time them are virgins but what i'm saying is like even if you're the only one losing your virginity in the sexual experience like you're still both having sex together right whereas like losing your virginity is always taught of as like very separate things and i get it because you're not really like used to sex you can't really work together very well but you still need to and i think that is one of the key ways to make it not hurt for a woman like you're not just getting there throwing it in and like whatever like you know you need to work it through and i think what was good was like i'd been in a long-term

relationship with this girl so it wasn't like it was just like a quick fumble and i'm like you know we we built up to it we were both ready and like comfortable each other and like had already been taking strides. So like, you know, pleasure each other. So, yeah, I think a lot of it,

like a lot of people's only really experienced with sex when they lose their virginity is porn. And like, these people are paid to fuck like they're professional fuckers. Yeah. So like, but also there's no, there's no sort of like performatively.

Yeah. There's no like communication and like of like performatively yeah there's no like communication and like at no point in time i mean there's probably something out there but like porn stars are rarely being like this is okay you know i mean it's like no one wants to watch that but also again probably someone does people like just the whole thing is like you're fucking to look good to a third party which does does not lead to like normal angles and stuff. Like you don't. You're also efficient, like probably athletes and super ripped.

Yeah. And it's like super unhealthy to like look at like a TV show relationship and try to model your personal relationship on like Jughead and Betty. Get out. I don't know why I thought of Riverdale because you watch it all the time it's the fucking worst show and I can't stop watching I honestly train wreck like somebody put up a a synopsis of like where the show's at and I really want to watch it now because it sounds like the most batshit thing the second season, like, is one of the most schizophrenic things ever. Like, they go through, like, nine plot sort of, like, stories.

Yeah. And none of them really connect. They just sort of, like, happen. And you're like, I thought this was about a serial killer. What are you doing? And, like, this new season's about, like, this Dungeons and Dragons type game. What? Dungeons and Dragons type game that is also a cult that is also like run by someone who's also like a supernatural creature who I'm sure it won't end up being.

Oh, it'll be a Sabrina Lincoln probably. Well, that's what I thought, but it's not, I don't think. It's literally just like, I think it's like a hallucination. I don't know. Spoilers. Fuck it. So a while ago I saw an update. Someone posted something and they were like archie

has become like scarface he's walking around town like one punching people into unconsciousness while like betty is being taught by her brother how to be a cam model i think that this isn't too yeah and then like a bunch of other stuff i've forgotten about but they all seem like some of you're watching seven different bad shows put in one yeah I mean like this is the first time even still it's like not really that like Archie has had any sort of like bearing on the plot for the first like two seasons he's so useless and they're like this it's mostly like the Jughead show I think we've never been more tangential to a question ever than right now yeah Yeah. Let's get on another question because this one is never getting answered. I'm just going to go back to it in that like you're going to be in the same position sex-wise.

I'm pretty sure it isn't a secret orgy. If it is and you want to have sex, have sex. If you don't want to have sex, don't have sex. The sex is expected part of the question worries me because you should never have sex unless you want to. I think that's pretty much where we should leave it at. Okay, you can do this. Is it a Riverdale question? Because I don't want to answer it. New Year's Eve.

Let's Talk Game by PUA Nerd. Oh no. I know what those letters stand for. Pickup artist. Oh god damn it. Never mind. I'm out. No, read it.

Let's set some goals, ladies and gentlemen. Bad way to approach it already. It's New Year's Eve. The goal is to have at least a kiss at midnight for both guys and girls. I'll put up an FR, whatever that is. That's a field report. Really? Gee, how do you know all this shit?

Because I subscribe to the Seduction sub subreddit which is like which is where this is from yeah um and i frequently yell at people on it or i used to um before we started this podcast i believe it was one of the things that was like prompting it right because we chat about this before also like have you heard so do you know what like k closing is yeah like kiss close that's so awful. I just learned all these things today trying to find these questions. Because all I wanted was a question about New Year's kisses, because that's the most New Year's thing there is.

There's just some real weird specific questions out there, but nobody seems to have a, you know. Either way, this guy does. He says, even if I fail, so should you guys and girls. Let's hear some pregame things to keep in mind. And then he, this is awful, but he recommends milking the handshake. That's my favorite sex maneuver. Yeah, it's pretty gross.

That's pretty much it. That's what I call jerky golf. That's his only suggestion is just milk the handshake? Yeah, he said eye contact, milk the handshake, and don't get distracted by your friends. Even if they talk to you, never break eye contact. Is that literally what he says? Yeah, basically.

So I guess the question is, how do you kiss someone at midnight? You sneak up behind them, grab their hair, and just gay kiss the hell out of them. Hell yeah. Sounds great. Okay. hair pull it and just gay kiss the hell out of them oh yeah sounds great um i mean you're an expert at this fucking asshole you stand right beside a girl and then when it's

midnight you turn to them yeah and then they start kissing you pretty much yeah um i think that that is actually your best friend all alone at the bar by himself. To be fair, who was the only person who came through for you that night? It's true. You're the only person I'm not mad at. I'm not mad at anyone, but did we not have a very fun new year's? I had a great new year's. I honestly like one of my favorite new years. Me too, actually.

Um, and like, the thing is our time was short, but it was very sweet. It was, um, for the record, this was probably the quickest New Year's night I've ever had in my life. In that I was in work, I wasn't meant to get off. And then, in a miraculous state of circumstances, I managed to get out with like five minutes to go till New Year's. Like, the countdown. And a friend of ours who didn't end up making it out that night had gotten us all tickets to a thing. And then no one else had... Like, people had kind of shown up and didn't show up either way. And they fucking left me.

So Dane was by himself at this place having just been left by someone was about to leave. I managed to get done just in time to tell him not to. Oh, I wasn't leaving. Oh, okay. I was in for the long haul, baby. Oh, okay. So I got to the place. There's a giant lineup outside.

Literally go up to the first person in line. I was like, oh, do you know what time it is? And then while they were showing me their watch, I had a chat with them about like, oh God, I hope we get in on time and just walked through with her so I didn't have to line up. Got upstairs. Dane had gotten me a drink, handed me a drink. It was the countdown.

We cheersed. We drank. And I started kissing that girl. It was great. Yeah. Um, even funnier thing about that night is, uh, so after a while, me and her had gone home and you know, certain things occurred, uh, in the middle of this, she kept getting sex, uh, in the middle of this, she kept getting messages from her friend, uh, who was in town to see her.

So kind of a dick move on her behalf to just kind of like bail on her. But apparently it was all cool. And even though the repeated texts and calls would seem that it wasn't, she was like, don't worry. She's just like trying to cock block, whatever. So I'm like, okay, it's not my friend. It's on her kind of like thing.

So her friend had gone back to her place and gotten locked in the bathroom and couldn't get out. And kept calling her and messaging her to try and figure out how to like operate the lock because i guess there's a trick to it so she spent like new the first like 12 hours of new year's day or like eight hours or whatever just like sleeping sadly in the bathtub waiting for a friend to come home that's amazing and i still feel so bad about that so if you're listening it's her fault but i'm still sorry i wish that i could like go back and

look at that night because i was so many fucking things happened so quickly i was like in so many people's like nights i felt like i was like in a tv show in which like you got to see like like five different stories and then like i was the character that like tied it all together like i was there and some girl found out she was pregnant again i have no idea how this all shook out because like did you take a pregnancy test in the fucking bar where else would you um but like i was talking to her and her friend and i was like this might end in a threesome um and i was like i was actually pretty convinced it was and then like the next time i saw her the girl was in tears and i went over i'm just like are you okay and she's like her friend was like oh she just found out she's pregnant and she looked up at me she's like just bawling she's like

i've been doing shots all night i was like oh um i had pretty much knocked a girl out i was on the stage uh dancing and there was a really tall girl on the ground and i had like turned really quickly and just sort of like backhanded this girl so hard that she fell over. And like I spent like a good two minutes just like cradling her and apologizing to all of her friends. He did it like by accident. Yeah. Yeah. Someone like had tapped me on the shoulder and I was like dancing. And like as someone tapped me, I turned to like see who it was.

And I like, you know, just had a loose drunk arm and I just fucking clocked her. I had four really jacked, really tall gay Asian guys just carry me around and I was just taking people's drinks, drinking them. Um, there was a girl who kept running over to me and like dancing with me and grinding on me and shit. And like, I think she might've kissed me at some point, but then like a guy would show up and just like pick her up and carry her away and be like okay bye um at the end of the night she would come up to me and she she was like uh i was outside of the bar and there was like you know the whole mass of people who have been

pushed out and she came out when she was like you're my dance monkey and i was like oh hey i know who you are she's like my boyfriend wants to fight you. I was like, no. And I could see him like pushing his way through the ground. It was a fun night. It was great. I piggybacked some drunk girl home. Like her friend was trying to carry her and she was just fucking dead weight. So I was like, I'll carry her. So I piggybacked her friend to like a certain point.

And then once I left her, I was walking in and there was like a house. And they were like, happy new year. I was like, happy new year. And then they invited me and I was like, all right. So I went in,

uh, left immediately because the house was just covered in blow, just cocaine everywhere. I thought you would say blood and I was like, yep,

sounds like a good call. Yeah, no. Um, so I just stole a couple beers and just walked home. Yeah, it was a great,

it was a great time. And that's not even to mention the like hour and a half we hung out in the middle of that. Yeah. And that was fun. Yeah, it was a great time. And that's not even to mention the, like, hour and a half we hung out in the middle of that. Yeah. And that was fun. Here's my little New Year's Eve advice. Don't put too much weight on it. Don't expect your plan.

Like, making plans for New Year's is never going to work. And just roll with it. You know what I mean? Because, like, I got bailed on by two of my friends. And I was in this club by myself on New Year's Eve. And, like, most people would, like, get real depressed and, like, go home and sulk. But I was in this club by myself on New Year's Eve, and most people would get real depressed and go home and sulk, but I was just like,

I'm getting hammered. I'm going to dance. That's what I did. I just had the craziest night. I didn't think I was going to get to do anything, and I was kind of sad about it, but I was like, fuck it, and then through a miraculous set of circumstances,

ended up going out, getting right where I needed to be at right at the exact time. Yeah, just ride it. Enjoy the spirit of the night. And that's the thing. That's what I hate about this question is when they say goals. Like, what goals are you setting?

You want to kiss somebody? Cool, I'm pretty sure most people do. So, like, unless you want to kiss more than one person, at which point you're definitely straying into fuck territory. Like, not that kissing more than one person is a bad thing i think we both did it that night but the thing is you don't want to set a number you know what i mean if you're if you're just going with the flow and it happens great if you're like i need to kiss two people or three you know that's kind of gonna ruin your night and you're not gonna be natural and you're not gonna have fun

also like yeah as much as you might want to kiss someone for new year's understand that it may or may not happen right it's all about like you know chance luck fate and also like participation like you don't just kind of expect it to happen sure if somebody's near you at midnight and like there's no harm and like strategically being near someone for midnight like see if it happens don't be afraid to take that chance also don't be upset if it doesn't work out. Like, you don't know. They could be taken. They might just not like you.

Yeah. They might have eaten a garlic sandwich just before, and they're like, oh, fuck. Maybe we'll go for a garlic New Year's kiss. I'm not going to get too much into pickup culture, because I feel like that's, like, an entire episode we can talk about. Yeah. But there's a really big problem with like going out

with the intention to pick up yeah um and i think we've mentioned it a ton of times where it's just like that'll almost never work because people can fucking sense that like people know that's what you're doing yeah and you look like a fucking goon yeah if you go out like if it's just you and your three buds or two buds or one bud even if it it's just yourself, just go and have a good fucking time. And like, there's nothing wrong with wanting to and being ready to, but there's a difference between going out specifically to. Well, that's the thing. It's like, I feel like if you're single, like there's no point in time where you go out and be like, tonight I don't want to meet someone. Yeah. I hope I don't meet anyone and have no sex tonight. You know what I mean? It no sex tonight you know what i mean yeah you know like if you're going out and like and the situation arises like

fuck yeah probably gonna be down for it um and like even look at it this way if you go out for a night out your friends to have fun and you have fun cool successful night if you go out on a night out with friends to have fun and you end up like meeting someone or hooking up with them cool successful night if you go out with the intention of hooking up and you don't then you're nights of failure yeah then you're like well fuck and then exactly and the thing is it's like you get progressively shittier to be around yeah the closer it comes to last call and you haven't succeeded and then the next time you go out you're gonna be worse from the get-go and then keep getting you know like it's the thing is like if that's if that's like your thing and

that's not really your friends things like if your are chill people, and you're the guy who's, like, always, like, I gotta meet a girl, I'm gonna pick up, and you don't, your friends are gonna stop hanging out with you. Exactly. Because you're not fun to be around, because all you're doing is ditching them and, like, gaming, you know what I mean? You're, like, hitting those girls. Ditching them and gaming?

Gaming. Oh. Maybe gaming. Maybe that's what on gay men? Gaming. Oh. Maybe gay men. Maybe that's what you're into. Oh, yeah. That's my thing. It's like going out and being like, I need to get a free drink tonight.

And if you don't get a free drink, you're like, fuck this night. This night's the worst. If you set stupid goals like that, you're probably going to have a bad time. Yeah. And like, yeah,

there are a lot of different things you could probably do to have a better chance at having a kiss or whatever but like honestly i think it's kind of dumb to list like there's no like secret right yeah you just need to be willing like open like don't be too scared to try and don't be afraid of rejection but also don't be creepy and overbearing and weird right yeah don't stand beside someone who has a girlfriend um and don't let it ruin your night either way don't don't let trying to get one ruin your night don't let not getting one ruin your night we should do a whole episode on just like a night out from like beginning to end

and just run through what we would do try to find like questions like throughout a night well are you ready for 15 fun tips on how to kiss a girl on New Year's Eve? Absolutely. So, this is from Johnny Wolf, the Asian playboy. Oh, god damn it. And this is everything that he says. And I don't know if just shitty stock photography is, like, essential to be a, like, pickup artist, but they're just so bad.

I really think it is. After you lay one on her lips, make sure you get their phone number because some of these girls will be top quality girlfriend material and not the normal club girls you'll meet every week wait what this isn't this how to get a kiss yeah so he just opens off right away there's some other shit uh i'm just reading out the important parts okay sorry i was just like he refers to he refers to trying to get a kiss as gaming so since gaming on new year's eve is slightly more aggressive here are specific techniques peacocking is in capital letters okay on new year's eve basically you can wear a big flashy hat with an led strip that says happy new Year's, kiss me. Or have mistletoe hanging from your hat.

It is okay for even professionals to wear stupid, outrageous outfits and gear. On New Year's Eve, drunk women are looking for the flashiest, shiniest object they can spot. Yep. That's true, of course. Be social, in capital letters.

Talk to everyone, in capital letters. On New Year's Eve, you'll have a perfect excuse to talk to everyone, in capital letters. Then the next's Eve, you'll have a perfect excuse to talk to EVERYONE in capital letters. Then the next one is don't talk too much. Don't go too deep into comfort. Just like walking around the bar. Hey, how you doing?

Nice to meet you. Bye. Yeah. So don't have deep rapport. Never go past the surface. Never share comfort stories, whatever the fuck those are. Get the phone number quickly. Kiss her before midnight uh kiss close tactics every time

you say happy new year's try and kiss the person you're talking to oh my god the worst thing that happened is she'll turn her cheek either way it's new year's eve she won't hold it against you rejection free k closing oh my god uh practice. Tell her a girl you want to practice before midnight. Tell two girls you want to see them each give each other a New Year's kiss and when they do say you want one too and join the action. And the best one. I lied. This is

the angriest ever. Oh are you ready for the best one? No. Alright. Hit me. So this is APB's blazer kiss. APB standing for... All points bulletin? Asian Playboy. Okay.

Asian Playboy loves to wear cool blazers. One thing he'll do is lift his blazer, cover the two of them, and smooch her under the cover of discretion and darkness. Perfect for the girl who's shy and doesn't want to make out with you in front of her friends. How big is this blazer? Not very... Well... I imagine he's wearing, like, his dad's blazer,

you know, like, two sizes too big. Because, like, any blazer you have, like, you should not be able to fit anyone under there if it's well-tailored and fits you.

Yeah. And there's... It just keeps going. But, like, what the fuck? He's like, yeah, just cover... Imagine someone's coming over and you're, like, Batman-ing his blazer over you.

And just like. You're mine now. Like, this is like a. The darkness has you. It's like a 30-something-year-old man. What are you doing? So don't do those. I mean, like, it would be funny if you did it with, like, your girlfriend.

Yeah, or like. But, like, there was that very specific circumstance where, like, yeah, you could definitely... But, like, if that's your move... No, like, how many people... You're like the Phantom of the fucking Opera. Also, can you imagine if at any point during the night when you're, one, wearing a blazer, and two, you're, like, dancing and drinking, and, like, you just put them in your little sweat cave? Yeah. Like, ooh, just cuddle up right near my pit while I, like, keep you in my odor, like, biosphere, and we just fucking smooch.

Like, no. Yeah, but that is, like, the male pheromones. Yeah, depending. Oh, that'll get you. All right, APB, I'm with you. My girlfriend just threatened to find someone else to spend New Year's with if I don't drive six plus hours in one day. Too long to read, I won't piss off my boss by taking off on a huge weekend to drive over six hours to pick up my girlfriend, and she's threatening to find somebody else to spend

New Year's with if I don't. How big of a red flag is that? Yikes. What does she mean? Like, just a random dude? It sounds like it. Because, like, if that, like, fucking leave her. Yeah.

And that's the thing. It's like, he basically works at a ski resort, has to drive over three hours to get her, and three hours back because she wants to go to the ski resort to spend it with him. And she's refusing to get a lift even halfway to get a bus there or anything else. And then when he says that he's not sure he can commit to all that, knowing that the traffic is also very bad at that time of day, at that time of year, and his boss is not very happy about him taking time off she's threatening to find somebody else yeah that's a huge red flag yeah that's like and emotional manipulation at its best yeah no it's

fucking terrible if somebody says that to you like don't be in a relationship with them because that's not going to be the only time they say it. They're going to be using that threat whenever you try. Also, like, if that's, if they're willingly threatening you with that, they've probably already done it. Yeah. That's the thing. If, like, just cheating on you is, like, a knee-jerk reaction to you not doing what they want, I doubt they're the most faithful of people.

I promise, yeah. I can guarantee you. That's a really shitty thing to say to somebody. Yeah. Like, you're blackmailing. You're like, do it right now or I'll fuck this guy. What? Yeah.

That's not okay. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's fucked. Never say that. I never put up with that. Well, here's the thing. Don't ever use sex as a way to get people to do what you want. Or anything.

Blackmailing the person you're meant to. Yeah, I mean mean don't commit federal crimes but like i feel like that's a really common thing i don't think it's all too common for dudes because like we don't really have a whole lot of the sexual power in relationships um but like the the whole idea of being like oh if you're not gonna do it we're not gonna fuck you know what i mean or like punishing guys i'm upset because you hung out with people from work so now we're not gonna fuck yeah punishing people by withholding sex strictly to punish them is so fucked yeah no it's it's like you don't owe sex to anyone and that's fine but like if you're literally telling someone

like sex is a reward for good behavior yeah that's the fucking craziest thing yeah it's just emotional abuse yeah at that point i don't think a lot of people realize that no no i don't think so but it's also shitty because like i had someone do that to me before when i like you know i she didn't like me hanging out with anybody it was like the tail end of a bad relationship she didn't like me hanging out with even mutual friends of ours for some reason um and she just kind of like went into this spiral where like me doing anything if it wasn't with her was an issue and at one point i'll hang out with people from work like after work i had a pint with them you know what i mean came home and she was like right well i don't feel like having sex and i'm like

okay that's fine but like in my head i'm like that's really not okay to just use that as like you know she was like because when you she said to this said this to me when you hang out with people from work you make me not feel like having sex with you for a few days I was like okay but then when I tried to press it she was like oh so because I don't feel like having sex you think you're in like it then I felt like I was trying to like push so i felt really bad but like i was like wait this is still fucked yeah sexual manipulation is like because the thing is if you know what's happening but you can't then be like no i should have sex anyway because someone doesn't want to have sex with you they shouldn't but then when you're framing it in this like punishment like reward way that, that's fucked. Yeah, it's gaslighting.

Yeah. It's just straight up gaslighting. Because I just felt like such a shitbag for being like, oh, okay, so I shouldn't push it. But I was also like in the back of my mind knowing that it was unhealthy, but then feeling like an asshole for feeling that way. And I was like, ugh, don't do what I'm feeling. No, that's fucked. Yeah, it was fucked. Thank fuck that ended.

The relationship. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Should I text my ex during christmas or new year and should i even try to get him back long story short uh the girl's 25 he is 28 and they've been together for seven months very fun loving relationship and it was a mature breakup the reason was that he was uh polycurious even though he enjoyed hanging out with her there's

always a part in him that craves more variety and basically he wanted to have an open relationship and explore his sexuality and whatever. So basically they ended things and they were meant to not have any contact, but now she wants to start messaging him

and say, happy Christmas, happy new year, and, like, angle to try and get him back, even after already agreeing to give him space. Oh, man, another bad idea. I know. Well, here's the thing. It's like, you can do that, but don't expect his intentions or, like, goals to have changed.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. If he's still very, like, polycurious or, like, or in a polyamorous relationship, it's like, I'm sure if you approach him and, like, Hey, I'm actually kind of cool with this. Like, I'm, I'm all right. Like if I get to see you and you're still seeing other people, like he probably won't be upset about that.

But like, if you're not, if the reason you broke it off or the reason it broke off, it was because you weren't cool with that sexual lifestyle. Yeah. Then what it's like putting your hand on the burner and being like ah fuck and you're like hmm you know it's like it's crazy i don't like firstly i don't think that's gonna change secondly you guys just broke up and you agreed to give him space but now you're gonna try and like you literally admit to pressuring or at least trying to angle towards getting back together don't do that yeah like give him a space back the fuck off and like when you message someone with something

harmful and polite like happy new year or merry christmas like as much as they might not want to be in contact with you necessarily you can't really get a message like that and just like it feels like a very rude thing to just ignore it yeah so then they're gonna say merry christmas back or happy new year and then that opens the gates because now when you reply to him like at what point does the conversation has started exactly yeah so it's kind of an unfair tactic i just like i don't know have like courtesy to just give the guy some space yeah especially because like like it sounds like you're the one who broke it off. You know what I mean? Like, if he was like, hey, I want to see other people.

And she's like, no, I'm not cool with that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, because if he's polycurious, he probably would have been very content. Seeing the girl that he was currently seeing. Yeah. It's like, it's when people get back together with exes. And you're just like, you're if it was like a decade apart and like both of you kind of have like had big you

know life-changing events and you've done things you've grown but like people who like break up for two months and they're just like let's give it another try it's like you're the same people yeah and like and it's like ending of course on what was, you know, ended things, nothing's gonna really have changed. It's generally the worst fucking, I, and like when you break up with someone, just fucking cut, like give yourselves both some space because it's not healthy to just still feed off each other. Life exists in a way that like, if you want to revisit it, you can, but like, don't do

that until you've processed the breakup yeah you know what i mean like until you've really done like sort of a mental and emotional inventory of like why you broke up and how you feel about it and whether you should get back together because like the first thing you kind of do when you break up with someone is like you kind of miss them of course you know what i mean there's like that moment of like because you've taken like a giant component out of your life. Like regardless of if everything was bad or good, you still have torn this thing out of your life. And now you don't know.

Like that time when you wake up and you want to send them a message, you're at a loss. That time you're like, oh, I want to watch this show. We watched it. Oh, they're not there. You're sad. You want someone to hang out with last minute because they're always there for you. You're anything. That's now gone. So of course you're going to You want someone to hang out with last minute because they're always there for you. You're anything that's now gone.

So of course you're going to fucking miss it. Of course you're going to need or want something to like fill that gap, but like filling it with the thing you needed to tear out in the first place, not a good call. And it's pretty much like taking a knife out of a wound and being like, I need to stop the bleeding. Put that knife right on back in there. Well, that's why you don't take the knife out, actually,

because if you do, you can bleed out a lot faster. Yeah. So it's kind of a bad analogy. This is our knife wound advice podcast. This is First Aid with the Boys. F-A-W-T-B. The Fight Buddies. Fight Buddies.

You know what? I actually do have a New Year's one. Oh, okay, cool. Because I have like... I forgot. This is actually how I wanted to end the podcast because it's a really vague one. What are some dating and sex resolutions

you'd suggest to people for the new year? Listen to our podcast more. Take our advice and apply it in real life. Send us more questions. Never listen to Dan. Yep. send us more questions uh never listen to dan yeah um i i want everybody to date and have sex so positively that people like pick up artists just get eradicated yeah i want them to be an embarrassing thing we look back on in three years not a thing that exists yeah i want like i want people to value themselves and just understand that like

your self-worth doesn't relate to how much or how little sex you're having you know what i mean like if you want to fuck all the time and other like different partners as long as you're doing it consensually and safely yeah like that doesn't make you less of a person and it's funny because like i'm kind of like seeing this as like men and women like women tend to like get a bad rep for having multiple partners and like men tend to get a bad rep for not having enough sex um but i'm sure it's true the same way like um yeah it's like if you if you aren't having that much sex for whatever reason, it's like you aren't less of a man or a woman or whatever. You're not less of a person because you are having lots of sex

or because you're having less sex. And I find that those feelings tend to just dig yourself deeper. You know what I mean? Yeah. The people who are having a bunch of sex. You know what I mean? Like the people, the people who are having a project in your head about it, um, which sucks, it just makes it harder.

Yeah. Cause like, cause like people tend to like find a validation through sex. And like, that's, that's, that's certainly what I was doing when I was like going through my phase. Um,

and like the most fun form of validation. That's the best. but like, if you can find a healthy way to have a ton of sex like fucking go for it do it um i want people to uh fuck what was i thinking there was another we we had this conversation uh me and my friend um i want people to sort of like empathize and understand that like things aren't always black and white. Things are pretty much never black and white. There's like so many variables, especially when it comes to dating. There's like a lot of shades of gray.

Some might say 50. Yeah, like I wish people were nicer to themselves, to others, because like literally like people never seem to think about the other side of anything. You know what I mean? Especially when it comes to dating or sex, or at least a lot of people where it's like, think about stuff from their perspective. Yeah. Think about stuff from your, like actually think through why you're doing what you're doing. And like, don't be afraid to be kind to people because I feel like a lot of people are terrified. Like, oh, I can't send them that. I'll seem too like, like nice. Or I'll seem too whatever. Like, I gotta... It's not a battlefield.

I don't want to seem needy because I'm showing interest in someone I'm actually interested in. Exactly. Like, be interested and be nice. And if someone's not into that, then you've done yourself a favor and get the fuck out of there. As long as you're genuine about it. Yeah, just be genuine and don't be afraid to end things that are bad. Because there are so many people and situations out there that you don't need to chain yourself to a shitty one and tell your friend like look out for your friends the amount so i i'm a bartender and the amount of terrible advice and this is almost like the amount of times

i've listened to women talk about like toxic fucking situations they're in and their friend rationalize it for them yeah i'm like what the fuck are you doing like why aren't you telling your friend to get out yeah tell tell your friends to get out if they need to like sometimes people need that fucking support yeah it's like i'll definitely hear guys talk about like oh i do this because i'm a man and i'm just like but i more often hear guys be like you're a fucking idiot like guys seem to be a little more willing to tell their friends, they're fucking stupid, dumb idiots. But girls like the other day I had these two girls and this girl was talking

about how this guy treated her like shit, but he had a big dick and lots of money. And she was like, yeah, but like, that's good. And like her friend was just like totally okay with it. I was just like, are you fucked? Yeah. You're crazy. Like, there are more important things than those two. And you could probably go find someone who has the same, but also isn't a dick.

Also, like, you are currently valuing someone's sexual organs. And their money. And someone else's money over you. Over yourself. Yeah. Which is, again, fucked. I hope I would like people to have a little bit more self-respect yeah this year like don't put yourself through shit also

okay i think the most important thing i could say is like don't do anything you don't want to do like if you ever feel like you're doing something because like you're bored or you feel like you should or you know like he really wants it so, don't do that because that way lies sadness and madness. Whereas, like, if you want to do something, just do it. Yeah. You know? Once you're not being a piece of shit. Communicate why you don't want to sometimes.

You know what I mean? Like, I was reading this thing on Reddit. It wasn't a question, but it was just a guy being like, my girlfriend says she doesn't want to swallow anymore after, like, of having sex with me and she's never enjoyed it he was like she always did it yeah so i never said anything because i assumed if she's been doing it for five years that she was into it but it's like he was like please girls like if you don't want to do it just tell your guy because if he's not a piece of shit he's gonna be to be like, cool, you don't have to. Yeah. Yeah.

Just be genuine and honest and loving and like extend that to people you don't know. And just, just fuck. Have the sexiest year. No matter what your definition of sexy is, like just have a fucking sexy year. Have a lot of orgasms. Have a lot of healthy, fun relationships with people. Have a lot of funms have a lot of healthy fun relationships with people have a lot of fun and just keep listening i wish it was 2016 so we call it 2016 we can call it 2015 oh 2016 19 oh 2016 19 um we'll figure it out 20 grind teen oh see it sounds awful because adding teens at the end of

all these things yeah don't grind a teen no unless you're making them into sausage yep you can eat them yeah literally yeah just not sexually you pervert one last question yeah in danger of losing my five-year streak of New Year's Eve anal. Need advice. Oh. For the last five years, I've been having anal sex when the ball drops. It's tradition with me and my significant other. So now this year, we're planning to be away with friends,

and I'm not sure how we're going to have anal during the trip. Need suggestions. Thanks. Get one of those remote control vibrators. Get it up there. Not the same. It's not the same. But, I mean, like, better than Get it up there. Not the same. It's not the same, but I mean, like, better than nothing. Just dip off to the bathroom.

Yeah, I mean, like, if you guys have been together for five years, no one's going to be, like, upset that you're fucking. Yeah, yeah. It depends where you are. Yeah, like, unless you're in, like, a really inappropriate place and, like, it's a really fancy place or something. It's grandma's New Year's Eve funeral. Yeah.

Like, classic grandma, always having the best parties. I said New Year's Eve funeral. Oh, I know. Okay. She's died a lot, but she's still going strong. Every year, she makes all of her relatives gather together, and they dig her up. And then they sneak off her anal. Yeah.

Just, just fucking sneak off. Again, like if your friends are like, oh, were you fucking in the bathroom? Be like, yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah, we were. We were fucking in the butt. Oh yeah. In the bathroom.

We don't need to even say that. No, do it. Do it. Tell them. Then make them clean you up. Or just fucking send them like a video while you're doing it. Yeah. Just be like, I know you know.

Here it is. Deal with it. Like, you don't have to hide your sex. If someone, like, if for whatever reason, like,

I was on a trip with my friends and me and my girlfriend were having sex and someone heard us, they'd be like, were you having sex? Yes.

Yeah, I was. High five the shit out of both of you. Yeah, just sneak off and get fucking laid. Again, like,

if it's the anal part that you're worried about, then don't tell them about that. They don't have to know where it was or what you were doing. You don't have to give them a fucking, like,

no one's going to, like, listen to a door and be like, hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, definitely anal. And you're like, wait, is that the sound of, oh, yeah.

No, nobody cares. Also, like, you're adults. Just go fuck. Depending on where you are as well, like like i'll bet you probably don't go out until very close to midnight as well like nobody is fucking maybe your friends are better than mine but like when we go out it takes a while to get everybody going and like you'll get to the bar maybe 11 maybe 12 depending where you're going just tell them to head off without you be like like, yeah, we'll meet you guys there. She still needs to get ready. Yeah. And then just go to butt town. Go to ass town.

And then meet them up. Okay. At 1220. We need to end this. All right. You ready for some bad sex writing or are we just skipping that? No, no.

We absolutely are not skipping that. Let me get comfortable again. Let me... I can't remember which ones I haven't done. Kismet by Luke Tredjet. She shuffles her head closer to his cock, close enough to smell her own residue, and then takes it in her mouth with the vague idea of cleaning it.

Joff mirrors this gesture by burying his head between her legs. Gradually, she can feel his cock pumping up with blood, one pulse at a time, until it is long and hard and filling her wide-open mouth they stay in this position for a long time anna sucking and slurping with the same lazy persistence you'd use on a gobstopper or a stick of rock Eventually she loses her sense of the context altogether, of what she is doing or who she is with or where they are, and becomes an empty vessel for what feels like disembodied consciousness. She looks at the window and wonders how the glass feels encased within its wooden frame, what the shaggy clouds feel like being blown across the sky, what the walls felt like being splattered and smeared with wet paint. So this chick's just like so goddamn bored. Yeah, the worst blowjob ever. Like, hey, are you...

What are you doing down there? Huh? Paint? Thinking about the window? That's cool. Think of how it feels to be a house. Like, that sounds like the worst blowjob ever. The guy's doing the same thing, though. He's like, hmm, wonder what it feels like to be a curtain. How's that door staying up?

Nobody knows that. Oh, fuck. Magnets, how do they work? Am I an episode behind on Riverdale? I can't tell anymore because it doesn't make sense. What's the Gargoyle King up to? Who is the Gargoyle King? I'm not telling you.

God damn it. I have my suspicions. I actually don't know if they, I think they... Is it the Riverdale thing? Yeah. Oh, God damn it. It's the person who runs Gargoyles and Griffins. Since when is this an episode of fucking like...

I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. It's terrible. All right. Are we ready to end with some Dan? Before we end with Dan, we got some things to say. Goodbye. This is it.

We're done. Yeah, we're done. Until next week. Yeah, we got you. Which is a year away. Dumb bitches. We'll see you next year. Yeah, we'll see you next year. We want to make that joke all day. And we almost you. Which is a year away. Dumb bitches. We'll see you next year. Yeah, we'll see you next year.

We want to make that joke all day. And we almost forgot. Yep. Thank you very much for listening. I know we haven't been going for a full year, but you've made 2018 a lovely time. Yeah, thanks, guys. We really appreciate the support. And as always, send in some questions.

I know, you know, new year, new you, probably. So we can help with that, maybe. Yeah, let's get everyone just fucking right. Yeah. In both senses. If you have any questions, you can certainly send them to us on Gmail or email or Gmail. We have a Gmail account. It's fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com.

You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. And you can hit us up on Facebook, facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. I did add a couple pictures on Facebook. Of that nightmare mural? Yeah. So if you've listened to some of our previous episodes, which I hope have um we talked about a horrible children mural uh outside uh subway station i finally managed to get a picture of it and i posted it up so you can see still as horrifying as ever yeah you can see just what exactly we're talking about yeah um and anytime we reference shit on the podcast i try to

uh back it up with photographic evidence like when I was called a fucker to come bucket. Yep. I'm still trying to find my old phone so I can pull up some of my Tinder gems. We had such gold on there. But I have no idea where it is. That's fair. Also, thank you,

Josh Eagle in the Harvard cities for a song paper stars. Yeah. Should we do a countdown? Let's do it at the end. We'll do the Dan and then we'll do, we'll do a countdown for people. If they just so happen to be listening to our podcast. So Dan this week asks,

Why do women act like men? Yeah. I don't know, Dan. Dan, just fuck off. You know what? Unhappy New Year to you, bud. Yeah. Here's my New Year's resolution.

I'm going to tweet Dan every goddamn day and just be like, Nope. Dan, get it together. Please be better. I don't know if I'm going to tweet him every day. I don't think you will. We barely tweet for ourselves. The last time I used our Twitter, I'm pretty sure tweet him every day. I don't think you will. We barely tweet for ourselves. The last time I used our Twitter, I'm pretty sure I got in a fight with Subway.

Or I just aggressively tweeted at Subway. Fuck him. Also, no one has gotten back to me about the super ticket shit, and it's upsetting me. Because nobody does it. Yeah, that's fair. We should probably go. Yeah. We're going to count down from ten.

Five. Okay. Are you ready? Ten 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 happy new year my name is dave miller and my name is nalspain and we are your new year fuck buddies have the best year, guys. © BF-WATCH TV 2021