F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 140 - Quantum Dad

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

No matter what you do today, it's what Dad wanted you to do.  Topics include a relationship split, squirting insecurities, the feeling like someone is watching you, ignoring red flags, the omnipotent power of dad.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And my name is Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we get questions online and from our wonderful listeners. On the topics of sex and dating, we answer them. Right here, in your ears. Can I just say how proud I am that we've actually started doing the intro? The first, I would say probably 100 episodes. We kind of did it. No, I think we probably got about 40 or 50 and then that one review show

we're like, hey, you guys are good, but you never tell anyone what the fuck your podcast is. And we were like, oh yeah. I have no sense, like, idea of how long we've been doing this or when we did anything. Like the other day when you were like, what's your like, we need to send an episode in. I was like i these all i couldn't tell you what any episode was about i don't know some seem like they should have been like more recent others seem like they

were a long time ago it's kind of crazy we're doing this for so long but let's just kick into the fucking questions unless you got something pressing to say. I've got nothing important. Great. Because this one's kind of long. So this is by ThrowRABreaks. My 25-year-old male girlfriend, 24-year-old female, wants to break up with me because I can do the splits. Pretty much what the title says. Fiance works a full-time job, COVID-delayed wedding, and does yoga on the side. She's certified and teaches a few people in a local gym and has also a separate Instagram account for yoga. I used to do gymnastics back in ninth grade before and stopped due to an injury, but I still keep some of the exercises I had in my current workouts. And I also study aerial straps at a local place that teaches them.

Why is this important? Because my fiance got offended when she learned I could do the splits and called me a liar for not telling her about my gymnastics background when in reality, I did tell her and we were friends before we started dating back around ninth grade and ninth grade was a very long time ago. And she just forgot that I did gymnastics and called me a liar. I'm about to be 26. And here's why splits came up. Aside from her Instagram, she's a YouTube she's trying to grow. And she wanted to do a splits video where she would do the more advanced yogi versions while I, the inflexible boyfriend, as she put it, would do the basic, non-yogi, normal person, easier basic versions of the stretches for more inflexible people and this is where she got offended. When she asked me to try

some, I was more flexible than she remembered and like her, I was also able to do the splits and she got upset and huffy and called me a liar for not telling her about my background in gymnastics when I did years ago in 9th grade, again again about to be 26, but I digress. She became so offended her mood was ruined and she came quiet and said she changed her mind about the video. At the time I felt bad and tried to lighten the mood by changing the subject, but she was pissed off no matter what I did and when I went home I texted her that I was sorry for offending her even though I thought I did nothing wrong and she didn't reply and ghosted me for four days. When she finally broke her silence, she said she was sorry for not responding, but she needed to take a break from our relationship. This break lasted for three

weeks with nothing from her. No texts or calls. I didn't break her requested NC, I assume no contact, although I regretted ever showing her my splits. The only reason I considered calling her back in my last post was because of the wedding, whereas if the wedding didn't exist, I wouldn't call her back at all and assume her relationship was over regarding something as petty as this. However, I was afraid of her pulling some stupid stuff over the wedding payments, which is the only reason I consider calling her at some point to make sure there were no loose ends she could try and get nasty with later. What makes this hurt more is I have a friend group I consider closer to my own family, and I introduced her to them when we started

dating four years ago, and they loved her when she didn't have many friends of her own. However, during the three weeks that she said she needed time to think, she was gossiping to other girls about how I'm keeping things from her, and about the video in that space instead, and while some of the people have taken my side, I don't think my relationship with the group will ever be the same, given some of the mixed feelings, and it really hurts a lot. It's bad enough to go through a breakup over something as stupid as this, while I know others said it was probably a scapegoat for other issues she had and she already had one foot out the door. But I'm now losing my family and friend group on top of it. The one I introduced her to and she's trying to destroy my reputation too.

What do I do? Oh man, I like, they're engaged you said? Yes. What the fuck? I don't even know where to stand other than like. Well be careful because if you stand with your legs too far apart she might break up with you. I don't even know where to stand other than like... Well, be careful because if you stand with your legs too far apart, she might break up with you. Well, here's the thing.

I'm on her side. Unless you're Jean-Claude Van Damme, no man should do the splits. Well, you can do it, but you have to disclose it on a monthly basis. No. Every month. Every month. You got to be like, hey, just remember, I can do the splits because you don't want to surprise them. Imagine you wake up in the middle of the night you're going out to go to the bathroom and in the darkened hallway

your boyfriend's just doing the splits it's terrifying i could end the life right there i'm not gonna repeat myself again except for this one time if you're not jean-claude van damme you are not allowed to do the splits it's that simple it is it's law it's unwritten law which most people would call not a law it's 80s action movie law all right that's fair that's fair he did he did trademark it in an 80s action movie and we should all aspire to live like we're in an 80s action movie so what you're saying effectively makes sense uh but no there's absolutely nothing wrong with a man doing the splits like the thing is i don't think she i don't think it's like a like gender role thing i think she literally got upset that like she was supposed to do this like video i've recently started streaming and there is insecurities

of doing something creative and not being that successful at it on the inside or on the onset rather so it's like it it's a little nerve-wracking or a little you know shitty when you look over and you see there's like four people watching you um or less so it's like i get it she's probably very insecure about trying to start this you know youtube channel and probably has like four subscribers who are her friends and her family and this is supposed to be the thing that she does well. And then you're just like, hey, cool. Check this out. So like, I get it. Is her action or reaction to this valid? Absolutely not. Yeah, I feel like she it's almost like when people look at other like couples like we said last week where you're like looking at this like online like profile or online relationship and like you

take it too seriously even though it's very performative i feel like she did that but like with her own post in the future like i think she had this idea of this reality where like she had this silly boyfriend who couldn't do stuff and she was all impressive and like she got so wrapped up in that reality that when it like wasn't real she just like snapped and like i guess took it out on him massively where like you know you're probably right it where this was her big idea and it was completely ruined and then like instead of rolling with it or making anything else out of it she just kind of like stuttered to a halt and like lashed out. It's one of those things where you have she's she had these expectations. You sort of shattered them to no fault of your own.

And like even if you didn't mention gymnastics, because like if you had stopped at ninth grade, like if it was a big part of your life growing up you know what i mean but like if you had just started it in grade nine hurt yourself and then never did it again there's probably a ton of stupid bullshit that my girlfriend like i haven't told my girlfriend because it's so inconsequential even if i told like even if you know for whatever reason like i played the alto saxophone in for one year in band and i'm pretty sure my girlfriend knows that but like even if she didn't if i told her i i promise you i would bet my entire life's fortune that she wouldn't want to break up with me because i was hiding my sordid alto sax past well this is not an alto sax and dating advice podcast so i'm afraid you're gonna have to leave i see what you did there and I appreciate it.

Yes. I feel like when I played the sax, I didn't make enough sax jokes. But to be fair, you were too busy focusing on getting out of your hellhole town before you became nine years old. So you had to really, really grind to get that musical scholarship to the mystical university. Let me tell you, I was a terrible, terrible musician. I never practiced. And the one like big show that we did was at Canada's wonderland,

which is like a theme park in front of like all of these other things. And then in the, in the songs that we were doing, one of the songs had like a part where the alto sax just kind of rip it. Like they just slap. Right. And I was like, cool, well, a part where the alto sax just kind of rip it like they just slap. Right. And I was like, cool. Well, there's three other alto sax.

No one will know if I'm not playing it. But let me tell you, none of the alto sax decided they wanted to play this part either. So everyone had the same idea. Damn it. Yeah. So in the middle of this song, at this point where the alto saxes are just supposed to kind of like jam and and blow everyone's faces off silence there was one guy who was like half trying so it was just like oh no it was one of the most embarrassing things i've ever like had to live through um but one of the things i recovered fastest from because i didn't give a

shit like i didn't want to be a musician that's good well this man wanted to be a yogi youtube star dane focus on his problems she wanted to be i know i'm joking okay i was like did i misunderstand the question no uh so like i think we can all agree she's kind of being wildly out of line here. The two things. Yes, absolutely. 100%. The two things I would check in with be like, are you okay? You know what I mean?

If you still care about this person, which I assume you do, you were going to get married to them. I don't think there's any harm in being like, hey, this seems like a really wild escalation for a really small thing. And maybe I don't understand where you're coming from here. So like, can we talk about this? And I want to either understand if there's an underlying issue that made you this upset about the fact that I can do splits, or is there something going on? Or can you at least illuminate why you're so angry about this? Because I don't get it.

A hundred percent. Because I don't get it. 100%. Or the other alternative is to lay out your case and be like, hey, if this is the thing that breaks the camel's back here, if this is the straw that breaks the camel's back, then I don't know. Like, what else are you going to? This is such an inconsequential thing. If we ever have a disagreement on raising a child or having children you know i mean like anything any of the bigger issues i need to know that you're not going to disappear for three weeks and not talk to me and you know quote unquote take a break from the relationship like who the fuck knows what that means yeah that that's a wild thing to do kind of like ever but like they're not in their teens and they are engaged so it's way worse and it also seems like

they don't live together which is is kind of even stranger it's like don't don't get engaged if you guys don't live together that's that's a step you need to really take first um but yeah exactly what dane said because either if they are serious about like this angry that they just you know were blindsided by you being able to do the splits. I'm sorry, but you probably need to break up with this person. And by probably, I mean, you need to break up with this person. This is not going to be a healthy marriage if this elicits a reaction like that. And on top of that, if you try to talk to them and either they're unwilling to tell you that there's a deeper issue or there is no deeper issue, you can't have this relationship with someone that won't communicate with you either so it's like unless you talk to them and they're like okay look and

kind of let you in and you guys get to hash it out i'm gonna say this is a lost cause because you do not want to live a life like this no you're gonna be on eggshells the entire rest of your life like wondering what next thing like you know did you once see the Scooby-Doo movie at like the age of 12? And she's got to throw it on TV. And you're like, oh, I've seen this. And she's like, what? Excuse me? You didn't tell me.

You're keeping this? You have a Scooby-Doo secret? This is my favorite Freddie Prinze Jr. movie. And you haven't told me? What's next? Because on the list of things, being able to do the splits is pretty inconsequential. Yeah. And also, let's be fucking fair.

You said you do, what's the term? The aerial straps. Currently, you study that? Like, that is itself quite an acrobatic thing. So it's like, is she so oblivious of what you do on a weekly basis that she doesn't know you do these lessons? I don't know. The whole thing is just so wild to me and very scary. But again,

the thing that really bothers me is like, I need a break from our relationship for three weeks. That seems like she had this player. Yeah. It's also like part of me, like maybe she's freaking out about marriage and like, this is that her way to get that out. And the three week break is maybe she's going to sow some wild oats and see that her way to get that out and the three-week

break is maybe she's gonna sew some wild oats and see how she feels you know what i mean because someone's saying i want a break from our relationship that sounds like you know they were on a break unless you really hash out the the specifics the parameters uh who knows what the fuck's happening and it really sounds like you guys didn't. So that would be an issue I would follow up on. Yeah. If anyone, like, hey, if they want a day or two to themselves, sure. You know, that's one thing. But yeah, if someone's like, I want a break from this relationship, you gotta clarify.

There is an update where they like, she just still won't message him back about the wedding and all this shit. So it sounds like it's all gone to shit, but you gotta talk and communicate. But like, hey, this is a blessing in disguise if this happens before the wedding. all this shit so it sounds like it's all gone to shit but you gotta talk and communicate but like hey this is a blessing in disguise if if this happens before the wedding yeah exactly if like hopefully you're able to get a lot of your deposits back and you haven't spent you know several tens of thousands of dollars on this wedding that would immediately go to shit because your partner refuses to communicate with you for three months or three weeks at the first sign of literally anything. You gotta communicate. If there's a pressing issue, try to talk it through.

But unless she gives you a very good reason and is willing to communicate like, you know, a responsible, loving adult, get the fuck out of there. And never hide your splits again. Every first date, the first thing you should do is sink to the ground, legs akimbo the second you see them, just so they know what they're getting into.

What if this is like his curse? Like every time he does it, it just makes a woman like lose her mind. It's like, how dare you? Did you know that my father lost his legs? No, like one day when he was a kid, like he was really bad at acrobatics class and or in gymnastics or whatever and he he made a little little deal and they were like oh yeah you could do it but it was a genie deal so he never like looked up the terms right so now it's like yeah he can always do the splits he's always gonna be incredible because again this guy hasn't done gymnastics since ninth

grade really so it's something weird's going on here But every time he does it, someone's going to break up with him or yell at him. Just provokes anger. Yeah. All right, hit me. This comes from Reddit user Heart12. Tired of being asked if I can squirt. 27-year-old female here. I'm not sure if other people can relate to this or not,

but the last few people I've had sex with, they've asked if I'm a squirter. I've told them no, and they accept it and don't push the topic any further. Thankfully, they don't try and make me feel bad about it or convince me that they can make me squirt. However, I can't help but feel inadequate when I have to tell them that I'm not a squirter. It makes me wonder if all the women before me were able to squirt and I can't fulfill that fantasy for them. I think squirting is incredibly hot, but I've just never been able to actually do it. It's just such a trivial thing that I feel stupid even writing this. But I feel like porn has created an unrealistic expectation that all women can squirt. Or maybe I'm just unaware of the fact that the majority of women are out there

and are able to squirt and I'm just part of the minority that can't. I'm just sick of being asked this question, honestly. They say, men, do you feel disappointed when you find out a woman can't squirt? Nope. However, there was a point in my life where I thought squirting was like, that was the proof that you did a good job. You know what I mean? Like, like they could maybe come or they could feel good, but it's like, damn, if you got to squirt, like that was it, you're good at sex. Uh, thankfully I grew up and realized that's not the case, but I do think maybe it's a porn thing or maybe it's just like a lack of sexual education thing but like i do think some people do think that that is true

still to this day yeah i mean they're definitely i'm sure it's like along along the same lines of like you know when idiot dudes talk to women who aren't straight and are like well i bet i could tune you you know what i mean like i bet it's sort of along the same line of people being like well i bet i can make you squirt oh you've never squirted before no i could do that yeah not because they made like one woman squirt before yeah yeah not every woman can squirt or does squirt um i think let's just get that out of the way and also the lack of squirting or the presence of squirting doesn't really mean anything with regards to your sexual performance i mean it would be pretty fucking wild and i'm sure there's people out there because you know we don't deal in absolutes but i would imagine most dudes aren't gonna have sex

with you and be like ah she didn't squirt like most people are happy to have sex you know i mean i would imagine most people aren't gonna be like well you don't forget it forget it not interested pass to be fair like maybe maybe these people had been with a squirter before and were just like wanted to make sure if they should get a towel so thank you that is kind of the the angle i was gonna bring is there was a time in my life where i was i i had never been with a squirter. And then all of a sudden everyone I was with were squirt, just, just making a mess everywhere.

And it got to the point of being like, I wanted, it's like, I've never asked anyone if they were a squirter, but I took precautions specifically because I was like, I can't have my bed soaked all the time. You know what I mean? Like it, i was like i can't have my bed soaked all the time you know like it it's so gross to have like a damp

bed when you're going to sleep and the fact that or like having to wash your like when i had coin laundry like that sucked having to wash my sheets also i was like a you know a broke dude in his 20 early 20s i'd have multiple sets of sheets so like every fucking day i had to like clean a new set of sheets sucked yeah i like i had been with people who'd like you know squirted a little bit and thought that that was what squirting was and like porn squirting was a different thing and then one day i i got with someone who like holy shit like i'm very glad it wasn't in my apartment because i i think like i would have had permanent water damage um but like we destroyed the bathroom we were fucking in like it was it was insane and

like if if i if i had had that happen to me at home i think i would always ask i think i would be like hey do i need to get a paddle pool yeah just avoid this issue? So maybe that's it. But I also do know a lot of people have this weird, like, and I think the question asker nailed it, where it's like a porn thing where it's like they assume that like squirting is like our version of coming, you know? Yeah. So to anyone listening, that is not the case. Some people squirt, some people don't. It doesn't mean they're not coming. It doesn't mean they're not enjoying sex. You know, there is no like, oh, I can I can Some people squirt, some people don't. It doesn't mean they're not coming. It doesn't mean they're not enjoying sex. There is no like, oh, I can make them squirt. Don't get in

that mindset unless your partner is telling you that they sometimes do squirt and want to, and in that case, follow their instruction. You know what I mean? Do be chill about this because people can not be, but yeah, it's not as big of a deal as you might occasionally think it is and there isn't like a hierarchy of orgasms either like squirting isn't at the the top of the pyramid and everything else is sort of like you know consolation prize people can can orgasm just as intensely through clitoral stimulation and internal and g-spot and and squirt like it's it's a whole spectrum of things and like one person squirting orgasm like i've been with women who squirt when they're not orgasming when it's just like just the right angle and they're away they go so it's like it it has no like you said there's

no bearing on sexual performance when it comes to squirting. And I think like important to mention is like the same thing with like penetrative or like clitoral like stimulation. Some people get really hung up on like trying to make someone come from penetration and feel like they're not a man if they can't and all this bullshit. It's like there is no hierarchy. You know what I mean? Unless your partner is specifically telling you X, Y, or Z. And in which case, you know, work with them if you can, but like, you can't be like, damn, like, like listen to your partner. Cause I feel like a lot of the time men get in their own head about like, shit, I should be able to make you come with just my dick. And they're like, no, I'm fine. Like rub my clay. That's incredible. And I think that's a separate,

but linked issue. So yeah, like don't, don't be weird about squirting. Don't fetishize it in a weird way. You know what I mean? Because then you're making people that can't feel awkward and the people that can feel awkward. So just be chill and realize there is no hierarchy. I think we did that one. I think it's done. We did do it. This is my throwaway account. 967 found a hidden camera in the bedroom. How to approach girlfriend about this. So I moved into my girlfriend's apartment four months ago. She went on a business trip for a week and this is the first time we're away from each other. Also, it's the first time alone in her, which I suppose is now our, apartment. This morning as I'm cleaning the bedroom, I realize that the bulb on the bedside lamp is also a camera.

It's the exact same bulb my brother uses in his shop, and I'm 100% certain it's a camera. She never told me about this. I'm not sure if it was installed before I moved in. I don't know how to ask her about this. I'm trying to wrap my mind around possible reasons why she had it installed, whether before or before I moved in. I don't know how to ask her about this. I'm trying to wrap my mind around possible reasons why she had it installed whether before or after I moved in. I haven't touched it, so I'm not sure what's in it, nor am I sure I want to know. Any advice would be a big help. Where was the camera?

Bedside lamp. Huh. Okay. There was that whole fucking thing of landlords doing this in vents and shit. Well, a friend of mine had her apartment broken into, even though it appears

they use a key and she found a camera in her bedroom or no, in the bathroom. So they don't know if someone like it was an old tenant or if it was the landlord, but then the landlord was really shitty. And like, this is downtown Toronto and like a big like fancy condominium

building. So this shit unfortunately fucking happens. Yeah, and if you're suspicious of whether or not she's keeping an eye on you or whether it was an ex or whether... You don't have to bring this into

an accusatory manner. You can bring it up out of concern of being like, Hey, one, I think you need to determine whether or not it is a camera. Cause it would be weird to be like, Hey, I think your light bulb is spying on us.

Yeah. But so like determine whether or not it's a camera and then be like, Hey, are you aware that your light bulb is a camera? Because if you're not, we have some serious issues like there's a serious broach or a breach of privacy that's happened to you and we kind of need to get to the bottom of it one as dane said 100 determine if it is a camera i think there are

like there are ways to figure it out apparently there's like apps and shit or you can like check if it's connected to your router or like there are various ways to go about it. So do your research and like figure out a hundred percent. Is it or isn't it? Um, that's step one. Step two, I think is to inform your girlfriend. You're calling the police because either she set it up in which case she will tell you, you know, if you're calling the police, you won't want to get in trouble case she will tell you you know if you're calling the police you won't want to get in trouble she will tell you and that kind of gets rid of the fact that there's any you know lies involved and if it isn't her there's no reason why she wouldn't want to call the police because that's fucked up yeah you know and to be fair i think you need to call the fucking police

because who knows what they have on you guys right now like i'm sure you guys have had sex in that room for example or changed or know, anything like that. And you also don't know what else is in the apartment. So, like, this is a pretty serious issue. And I think, you know, once you determine it's a camera and you talk to her, if it is her, the truth will come out when you mentioned the police. And if it isn't her, the truth will come out because you're going to the police. So I think that's kind of like the win-win there. This is a pretty serious oh 100 i would i would like my heart would sink if i ever found this and like i don't even think i would like i wouldn't immediately assume it was my

partner being cryptic or sinister or anything i would immediately especially because this was her apartment first i would be so concerned that this was like a landlord being sketchy. Well, yeah, my money is on somebody else, you know. But if it isn't, you need to know. It's rare that bedside lamps come with the apartment. Yeah, but like if they were in, like the lamp could have been installed. They just put it in the bulb, right? Just switch the bulb.

Yeah, yeah, that's true. And sometimes landlords are in charge of sw swapping the light bulbs actually as well so yeah i i yeah that's a that's a very good a very good plan because yeah because i feel like if she's like no no don't worry about it's probably not that big of a deal anyone who thinks that a camera in their bedroom uh isn't a big deal a is hiding something for sure yeah because on the off chance it was them like maybe they just want to make sure you didn't like cheat on them or fuck with their place while they were gone you know what i mean that's something you need to know about because that's pretty fucked up yep they could lie or they could do whatever again i doubt

it but the other way i don't see it's not weird for you to be like hey let's call the police because you know that's what the normal person would do in these circumstances it is weird for them to be like should we it's fine it's just pervy pete he likes to get his hollies off yeah exactly also maybe check the rest of the apartment 100 you need to go through you're like i mean i assume that if you call the police they would do a thorough or a thorough scan of the place, hopefully. But I mean, like, I didn't know you could put a fucking camera in a light bulb. That's news to me. But like the main ones are in vents and shit.

So like AC vents and in like most modern bathrooms have like fans to deal with condensation and shit. So like those are usually where people hide. Like I know that was the main spot in the places those are usually where people hide like i know that was the main spot in the places that in toronto where people were getting caught it was in the like it was in the ac vents and the flaconda walls so yeah do do a real thorough search and maybe like i don't know could change in the dark or something that sucks i like to be an infrared camera yeah i know i know it's i yeah, just be careful with this. But yeah, I think that's a good plan.

All right, hit me. This comes from that high Canadian guy. Oh, hey. Should I date this girl? I'm going to guess no. Hey, Al. Male 23-year-old currently speaking with someone I work with. She's a female 29.

I work in the professional industry with her. The professional industry? Hell yeah. The fuck does that mean? I, too, work in the professional industry with her. The professional industry. Hell yeah. The fuck does that mean? I too work in the business factory. She has an absolutely train wreck of baggage. She only has dated guys with many, many, many issues, usually involving drugs, crime, cheating, court, and everything in between.

This girl is extremely attractive to me. Says she wants a nice guy to date and has been talking to me a lot, hanging out with me. There are a lot of red flags, but I just can't seem to get my mind off her. Should I continue talking to her and hanging out with her? Or is this a for sure way to get heartbroken? Can I recommend that anyone ignores red flags? No, they're there for a reason.

Have I done my share of engaging in red flags? Yes. Is that why I said the previous statement of not to ignore them? A hundred percent. If you're not more specific about the red flags, I don't know how I can really advise you. You know yourself the best. That's my thing. It's like, I don't want to give people the advice of being like, oh, judge people a hundred percent on their past relationships and you know people who've made

mistakes in the past don't deserve healthy relation healthy loving relationships because look what they've done before like you'll note i didn't speak to any of that i just said because he said they're i'm not accusing you of that i know i'm just pointing out i'm it's like the director's commentary you'll note audience i didn't mention that yet. So I like, I think that is something you need to be careful of when approaching people's dating history. The funny thing is they don't fucking matter because it's like, unless you think their judgment is terrible,

but they like you. So are you saying you're terrible? You know what I mean? Like you're going to be their partner in this scenario. So why does it matter that they had previously bad partners in your opinion? Now, I will also say. Unless they're still in the picture and like super dangerous or some shit. Yeah.

Maybe figure out what crimes were involved. Because if it's murder of, you know, her lovers, then maybe, yeah, maybe give this one a pass i remember like a lot of people like if i've ever been interested someone be like oh don't get involved with her she you know she's done this or this or this and it's like okay but those are like mistakes that most people make in relationships and those were all like or they were like you know that okay that's what her partner did in a relationship there's no bearing on this person as an individual, or at least this person as an individual, as she is currently.

Like if someone were to judge me on, on the fucking stupid bullshit that I did as a 20 year old, no one would date me because I was an idiot. Like we're all idiots or we all make mistakes. So it's, it's something you have to be careful of. And especially, like, it's a little strange because you're hyper aware of the baggage. Usually it's given to you from a third party.

You know what I mean? Like, usually the warnings come from, like, your buddies or their friends or, you know, their coworkers. Yeah. It's like one of my exes got super into coke just before we broke up. It's like, does that have any bearing on into Coke just before we broke up. It's like, does that have any bearing on me? You know what I mean? No, but like, that's kind of what you're saying about this person, right? Yeah. So yeah, I would definitely not judge them on that, you know, unless there's a reason why you need you, why you should, you know what I mean? Like

if every day these sketchy ass people are showing up at work and all that, and it's like, sure, maybe you don't want to introduce that level of like stress and whatever into your life. But like, that's a pretty extreme example. So, and again, you haven't said that or not said that.

So we can't really advocate there, but you are saying there are a bunch of red flags. So are there other red flags or are you counting the aforementioned shit as red flags? Yeah. And I think that's kind of the crux here, because if there are other shit and you're admitting that the red flags. Yeah. And I think that's kind of the crux here, because if there are other shit and you're admitting that the red flags, then you're probably admitting to yourself. This shouldn't be a thing.

Right. But if you're counting the other stuff, then unless there's information we don't know about, it seems like you're being a little overly judgmental. And the thing with red flags is that is your intuition and your gut being like, hey, this seems like a bad idea. Imagine if you were to like walk into a room with dudes with baseball bats and everything in your body is like, hey, this is going to end poorly for you. And you're like, but should I do it, though? Now, are they hot? Because that's the issue here. I guess.

Yeah. Damn, these are so attractive. These men with baseball bats. These scary thug men. I really want to leave and not get mugged, but look at those thighs. I think a lot of people fall into the pitfall of letting physical attraction or lust sort of negate their common sense. Oh, a thousand percent. I think if your gut is telling you to run but your dick is like she's hot though ignore it like there are there are so many attractive people on this planet so many and

to go for the one that like has the flashing neon signs in your brain being like this is a bad idea follow your intuition don't go on the internet and and hope someone will be like go for it bucko like it makes no sense yeah because that's definitely it he's like oh it's not really me making a bad decision if someone on reddit told me to do it right i mean yeah it's it's it's the the like that weird feeling of and i've mentioned it before of of when like you haven't done your homework and you ask the person next to me hey hey, man, did you do the homework? And they're like, no. Oh, good.

It's like that hasn't changed the situation. Your homework still isn't done just because that dude hasn't done his homework either. Doesn't make it OK. And I think a lot of people do that. And this is why bad advice, especially in, like, friend group, if you're not honest with your friends and i hear it all the time when i bartend uh you know a woman or people will be at the bar and be like oh man he's like such bad news but like the sex is really great like no go for it get it like you deserve it it's like what are you doing your friend is literally being like hey this is gonna end poorly for me and you're encouraging them. Yeah, the thing is

like, the amount of time and effort and like energy and your soul that you're going to fucking lose in this situation if it turns out to have been predicted correctly, which, let's be fair, it often is. You could have found somebody better during that time.

You know what I mean? You're going to be going back into the ring with drained reserves and a few more scars.'s not great it's no bueno so follow your gut follow your intuition if things are telling you not to pursue this even if she's attractive that's like you can be attracted to people and not date them it's very very possible i do it like on a daily basis. So follow your gut. Don't try to find the loophole. Don't try to like talk yourself out of it. Again, with everything we've said prior to this as the backbone of your intuition of being like, if you're just judging them based on their past relationships, I think that's unfair.

But if there are other factors at play that make you realize that this is a bad idea, listen to those and stay away. 100%. Alright, what are you feeling for your final Niall question? Good stuff. How does throw or a con I, 28-year-old female, think my dad,

62-year-old male, and husband, 29-year-old male, conned me into marrying him? Yeah, give me that one because I still I'm not sure if her husband male conned me into marrying him yeah give me that one because I still I'm not sure if her husband has conned her into marrying her dad no they've both conned her into marrying her husband okay um damn it I've ruined the surprise

edit that out and we'll keep the audience on their toes uh my dad has personally picked all of my sibling spouses when I was 20 I had a boyfriend I believed was the love of my life I wanted to marry him but my dad didn't approve he didn't like his family didn't like his career aspirations and didn't think he was man enough he ended up driving him away oh i don't know why i took that literally i also just assumed he put him in his car and just like to the woods yeah after that i vowed to myself i would never marry the man my dad picked for me.

When I met my current husband, my dad hated him at first, which just made me like him more. We've been married for close to two years and our relationship is really good. My dad did a complete 180 after we got engaged and started treating my husband really well. I assumed it was because he realized that no matter what he said or did, I would marry him. I'm currently staying with my older sister and she said something that makes me suspect. They both ran a long con on me, and everyone but me knew. I was telling her how I was surprised by the fact that my dad really liked my husband, and she said, you're not that stupid, right? Dad wanted you to marry him from the start.

I told her she was wrong, that my dad didn't even know my husband until I introduced him, and she gave me a look like I was really dumb. I tried to ask her for more information, but she just told me to forget it. I get that this isn't much to go on, but I just have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach right now. I feel like that's a pretty substantial morsel to go on there. I have a good marriage. I'm genuinely happy, but I also feel extremely angry now. I go home in two days. I want to confront them both, but I don't know what to say. I also don't want to cause issues in case it isn't true and I'm misunderstanding.

What do I say? You need to do detective work. A hundred percent. But, okay. No, like, let's be fair, right? Okay, sorry. You go. You go and then I'll go.

I mean, like, yeah. It would be one thing if you just, you know, if you were suspicious because dad and husband got along now. You know what I mean? If that was, if that was like you scratching your chin and being like, huh, that's suspicious. I'd be like, that's ridiculous. Like your dad might've just noticed and been like, oh, hey, maybe I shouldn't be such a fucking asshole to your partner. This is the man she loves. I'm going to be okay with him. But when your sister tells you specifically that your father was like, no, this is the dude he picked for you and then it was like

you know gave you the look which i can only assume was like over glasses you know i mean the glasses tilted down like i assume it's just like a slow head shake like one tear running down the left side of her face just like oh you poor fool so i i think you have enough to go on here again i think it's fucking wild that you really think a long con dad marriage picking is is wild really that happens all the time i like i would love to know where this also is like originated because this seems like i mean i've been very lucky and my parents have adored i like i could bring anyone home and my parents would adore them um if you know if i was like this is the person i've chosen my parents would you know love them but the idea that like ah it's so so backwards the patriarchy it's so fucking like i don't even know where to start with this you go you go so for me it's like, okay, again, I love that we're getting all these questions that are basically just like soap operas.

How could your sister just walk away after giving you juicy tidbits like that? It's like, if you know something, fucking tell me. Don't like allude to things and walk away like, oh, well, hmm. Oh, you didn't know that? Oh, you don't know how deep the secret goes and like walk away no fuck you tell me talk to your sister be like hey you said some crazy shit tell me what you know and what you don't because like obviously that's running the fuck through my head and like talk to her she's your fucking sister unless she's a shitbag well surely she will tell you you're again i i

want to put in line here that the dad has picked all of their fucking spouses and is now being accused of long conning with the current husband. So like this family doesn't exactly seem to be the most stable and supportive. So I don't know. But like, I still feel like if your sister is telling you this to fuck with you then you still want to know so if she doesn't have anything to offer you aside from riling you up like this then that's probably a good indication that she's just being an asshole whereas like if she actually has something to base it on then you can move on to step two which is like talking to the husband or the dad right you can't just like not if the sister's afraid of the dad repercussions then why don't you then you say it's already too late because it's like a horror movie where you know the the person who's under control of the you know

the the bad guys like you know gives the the hero the subtle hint of orinomi yes right i i still talk to your sister anyway and if she says something along that line again you probably know your family and your sister and your dad better than we do, like a little bit better. I'm sure you could gauge whether or not she's like, you know, you guys have a conversation, but like hand her a bunch of letters so she could spell it out on the table while you're having a normal conversation, what's actually happening. It's rare that we get to cross questions over together, but have you thought about installing light bulb cameras maybe that's what happened maybe oh my god what if this is the boyfriend now they're already married damn it i

don't even because like here's the thing you can go and be like hey dad did you con me into marrying my husband and he'd be like nope and then like what i guess what a guy who could make a con this long he's probably pretty decent at lying. Yeah, he's probably pretty good at pulling some strings. Also your husband. But on the flip side, it's a good marriage. And she likes the guy. So is dad just an incredible matchmaker? Well, that's the other thing. Because as far as we know, they didn't force her.

She thinks she did this all by her own choice which means she presumably honestly likes this man and it's like it's not like they just met and had a whirlwind marriage they've been married for two years and presumably dated for a while before that so like can his entire personality be a con for that long i doubt it what if we're dealing with like a quantum dad situation he like sees all possibilities before him and he knew that like oh this guy is bad i don't like him because on you know april 27th of 2027 he gets drunk and crashes you guys into a tree and kills you however you know michael over here is gonna love you forever and he's gonna give us amazing children and one

of them is gonna grow up up and be the president. Which used to be a thing that you could say and like actually mean something. But now it's like you could be the president of your dumb shit bag. So not as impressive. I guess. Yeah, maybe quantum dad. Like we've had we've had girlfriends who could tell the future. Maybe this is the father of one of those girlfriends.

It's true. Right. He's already quantum girlfriends. It's true. Right? He's spreading his quantum seed. Oh, God. What if he transcends time and space altogether? What if he's the son of those girlfriends? He's the son of those girlfriends. Whoa. Who has gone back in time

to make sure that, like, the timeline plays out correctly. He's like, quantum Terminator, Dad. Can we take a minute, just because I know there's some feisty listeners. We have personally trademarked Quantum Dad by the time this came out on Monday. We're already developing it into a full CW show, so back off. Quantum Dad is ours. I really don't know how to approach this.

Because, like I said, trying to confront your, your husband and your father about it, either they're going to be like, yeah, we got you, which seems that would be a wild move, which seems counterproductive to their whole gambit. Or they're going to continue to lie to you the way that they have been doing

for however long you guys have been married and be like, what are you talking about? And then they just gaslight you. We talked about win winsins earlier i think this is a lose-lose because it's like if you confront them and they say no like is that gonna reassure you no if you confront them and they say yes what the fuck do you do that like oh i guess divorce shit, I did like you though. Also, how do I ever trust any situation ever again? My dad is in too deep. He's manipulating the entire world. Quantum Dad is unstoppable. Yeah, you literally cannot stop Quantum Dad. because we have from his perspective it's like a heartwarming like time traveling like eon spanning like family love story but from the daughter's perspective it's this horror story it's just yeah yeah he's like omni-man or fucking like uh uh what's the not captain america the bad one

from the boys oh homelander homelander yeah he's just this unstoppable manipulative force man this is intense i can't wait for season two i mean the only thing i can think of is literally putting like a nanny cam in a like you know what i mean have them over and be like hey guys can i talk to you talk to him be like hey so here's the situation i think you guys set this up i need you to be honest with me like did you guys know each other beforehand did you guys work together to try to get me to marry him I need you to tell me granted this is gonna make you look crazy pretty fucking wild but then when you leave the room you gotta you gotta look for those subtle glances you know what I mean do they seem concerned do they say anything like literally that's and this isn't advice I'm not telling you to do this i'm just saying this

is the only way i can see it playing out or you just talk to them both you say like hey when was the first time you met my dad and like see what he says ask the dad when was the first time you met him now the only thing is you have to double yourself so you ask them both at the same time because if they get to talk you know if he's like oh i told her that we never met before but he's like oh shit i just told her we met at a baseball game once you need to you need to get a third party you need to like get your friend to do it you know what i mean like you need someone who's not in the family because let me tell you i don't trust any of these motherfuckers no i don't i don't even trust her the asker. This could all be part of Quantum Dad's plan.

It's true. Right? So I think you need to like go and get a friend that, oh God, I was going to say that your dad has never met, but who fucking knows anymore? Who knows? Damn it. It goes too deep. The only thing to do is you have to leave this world. You need to go somewhere untouched. By Quantum Dads.

Yeah. Yeah. Does such a place exist? Probably not. This is like the eldritch knowledge that puts madness into men. You know what? You got to turn the tables. And by that, I mean, don't necessarily do anything to him, but insinuate like you have.

When you go out for lunch with him and like he chooses Eggs Benedict, you like like nod knowingly and you know give that smile like you manipulated everything to the point where he chose the eggs benedict you start dropping clues that like you introduced his friends to him or that you knew his friends from before and then maybe start to act like you introduced him to your mom which doesn't make sense yeah but but in quantum dad's realm all things are possible. And the thing is, either he will respect you so much that he will stop manipulating your life, or more realistically, like a serial killer who likes to feel in control and powerful, he'll turn to you and be like, oh, yeah?

You think you're good? Well, I manipulated your whole marriage. And you go, I got you, Quantum Dad. The only thing that can stop you was you. And then the fads rush in with their quantum handcuffs and he's thrown in a quantum jail and then guess what you get yourself just a regular 4d husband it's the only logical thing to do you ready to do some tinters uh yeah i am i think i need a quantum dad cleanser because it's it was a scary space to be in i did like it

i opened the door and i hate that I walked through it. It's fair. I want to make sure that doors stay shut. You can never keep out Quantum Dad. I know. The door is in a perpetual state of always being open and closed. He's been through every door. At the end of the episode, we like to cool down and take a look at online dating platforms mainly tinder but we get

a little bit of everything and we review it critique it we look through profiles and pick out what does and doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more manageable a little more enjoyable and to point out some red flags that unlike a previous question asker you should ignore or not ignore you should pick up on and work accordingly uh this is s exotic baby north african educated and brings only good vibes with a z not looking for love shrug emoji love don't pay bills honey okay so is this an implication that she's a sex worker i don't know because like i'm fine with it that's cool yeah totally fine but like it's like i don't know. Cause like, I'm fine with it. That's cool. Yeah, totally fine. But like,

it's like, I don't know, which means like, if that's not the implication, they've done a bad profile. It also seems a little convoluted to, or manipulative. Cause like it,

that could be on anyone's profile. Like you could either be a sex worker or you could not be a sex worker with a phrase like that. So it's like, I feel like you kind of have to be very very upfront about that kind of stuff i mean granted that's something that can be done in the private sphere um but the the rest of the profiles is boring it's nothing nothing exciting exotic baby is a strange term exotic baby upsets me yeah because i just think of like really stereotypical like babies you know i mean like like really racially dressed up babies oh god and i don't like it yeah it's it's it's a tree for me it's bland and confusing yeah i'm gonna give it a five

because i don't care. Okay. This is Rob. Wickedly funny. Educated professional. Peach emoji. In search of his next husband. This one is going to be the last and final. Smart face. Oh, God.

I'm attracted to confident, secure men that are progressive, fit, and also funny AF. It's kind of ominous about the last one. And it's kind of a weird move to be like looking for my next husband or second or whatever yeah in search of his next husband and then sort of the ultimatum of being like oh if you're gonna get involved you're not going anywhere you're my last you are your penultimate husband you're going no the ultimate husband it makes me nervous as to what happened to previous husband yeah it's one of those things you don't get to choose that your next husband

who you haven't met yet is the husband to beat all husbands you do not get to choose that i guess you do in the future kind of you get to choose someone you really like but even then it's like they still have a choice i don't know it seems like it's a lot of pressure it's a lot to come out hot and heavy with and calling yourself wickedly funny or whatever it seems like that's the kind of thing other people need to figure out not be told show don't tell because nothing in that's funny you've only scared me sir i'm giving that a two yeah two for me uh this is shell they are employed at money i want a friendship bond to be free and transparent. To feel safe, like internally relaxed and secure. I want my equal in character, quality, goals, and passion.

I will do for him all the things I only dream of having, above things I wish for love. And to be ridiculously spoiled and treated like Roya. Does it get cut off? I assume it's royalty, because I don't know who Roya is. But maybe it's just someone who's been treated very well. I don't know if it was just my listening comprehension but a lot of that just sounds like word spaghetti.

Yeah. I feel like it treads the line between bad profile and bot because it could very well be a bot. That's very generic wordy bullshit but it does kind of still have like a thread through it that makes human sense the idea of being like i want to reciprocate you know love and hold each

other up based on our ambitions and our goals and and yada yada but also treat me like a princess yeah is a confusing move because based on on the structure of how a monarchy works, if you're the princess, you are not equal to the person treating you. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. So it doesn't sound like you want an equal partnership. It sounds... Or you don't understand what an equal partnership is?

I don't know. It doesn't do it for me. I'm giving it a three. Yeah, I'm giving it a two because, again, honestly, you could be a bot and if I'm not sure, that's not great. It's vague and boring where it's not alarming. This is Brianna, here to match with the five regulars I always do when I re-download this app. I've gotten two doses of the COVID vaccine, so I guess you could say I don't care what goes inside me. Ooh. I like the and because one, hell yeah, for vaccinations.

Two, it's funny. And three, it's sexy. Although, like, I don't care what goes inside me is kind of the opposite to getting a vaccine because it's like that is itself a very healthy thing. It concerns me because I don't know if she means that she has both doses or she has two separate doses. I assume it's both doses. But I will say one of my pet peeves is the weird like, oh, I guess I'm on Tinder again. Like, yeah. Oh, it's still five regulars.

I always match with because I redownloaded. Like, I don't know what it is, but the whole like acting like you're reluctantly on tinder or being reluctantly on tinder i hate it it's like we're all adults here this isn't 10 years ago when online dating was like a little bit less respected where people are like oh really that's that new weird thing everyone does it all the time it's not a shameful thing so the fact that you're still hung up on it doesn't make it makes me feel like you're gonna be shit in bed you know what i mean like if you if you're so like insecure about talking about the fact that you're online dating while you're online dating to other people online

dating who only see you online dating unless you get reviewed on the podcast that's listened to by millions then i can't imagine you're gonna be very secure about other things so i agree you do a good recovery because i think the ending is funny the ending's funny but yeah the the need to sort of disclaim also why aren't you giving these five guys a chance wow why not right women just have to give five guys a chance well i'm just saying if you're matching with them she's saying yes to them, I guess. So unless you've already dated them, maybe she gave them a chance. Maybe they were the five reasons she deleted it before. Hey, sure. If that's the case, but if not, maybe all five of them were chosen for her by Quantum

Dad. It's a six for me. Yeah, I'm going to give it a six as well. This is Alana. No hookups. Love dogs and animals. If you want me, prove it. No narcissists.

Dumb with guys that like to play games that don't know what they want independent blonde man only eight tattoos and counting no i don't even need to review this this is a one for me not a city the thing i hate the most is that there's not a single capital letter at the start of any sentence but in the middle there's one that gets me yeah it's like a three for me do you have one more yeah i got one more this is ben i've been modeling around three years out of a small agency in the city love dogs and all animals but not as much as the gym not looking for anything too serious right now just got out of relationship hashtag milfs rule sorry hashtag milfs rule yep oh that's a that's a

powerful move ben i i feel like i know exactly what ben looks like um when you say you like dogs but then you like the gym more which i'm gonna say i i hate that is the most like american psycho thing you could ever say i'd like dogs, but not as much as working out. Yeah. Like dogs are the best. Working out is not. I'm sorry, Ben. Here's the thing.

I've, I've recently really started to enjoy working out. I enjoy lifting weights now. It's, it's a new thing. I love it. But if someone was like, Hey, you can go play with this border Collie, or you can do a couple more, you know, bench presses. I'd be like,

yeah, I'm going to take the border Collie. Yeah. A hundred percent. I will never work out again. If I get to play with this border Collie, I feel like he listened to like a talk on how to craft your profile. And they were like,

Oh, you gotta like, God demonstrate worth. Like say that you're a model. You gotta like, you know, I mentioned animals, dogs,

take a picture. When, if you can, you know, um, uh, show that you get a good body in the gym and he was like how how do i put these all together and he chose the worst route yeah like love dogs on animals like oh yeah cool cool not as much as a gym i'm like hmm now i'm doubting you do love dogs and all animals very much also milf's rule is just the best thing i've seen because one hashtags don't work on tinder so good job but secondly it's just great it's just great milf's rule i love it he's 20 so he's he's looking for an older lady which hey man i was there too i played in that space

for a while anyway this is gonna be like i want to give it an eight because it's fucking hilarious but in reality i'm gonna give it a three i yeah i want to give it a eight because it's fucking hilarious but in reality i'm gonna give it a three i yeah i want to give it a 10 just for how funny it is because it's it's a whole mood this whole thing is just it's just its own little thing and i love it but i also hate it you're gonna get a five maybe a four a four because dogs are old man i'm sorry get them puppos into you uh and last but not least this is baby now baby seems to have you know when serial killers like scrape the eyes off photos in their own home yes and baby seems to have done the opposite on their profile picture and added like 19 eyes on top

of their own so like their eyes are dark and intense and big and the rest of the picture is like washed out and faded and it's awful super proud to be chinese enjoying single life no pen pal high standards must have video call to verify no scammers then get coffee see if we can be ferns which i assume is just friends seeking candidates for position of my boyfriend it's a relatively short contract with the intent of promoting you to full-time hubby upon careful evaluation if you kind and loving and loyal plus 20 responsible and genuine plus 20 go to gym often plus 20 emotionally healthy and clean plus 20 can handle conflicts plus 20 not a dog person minus 100 okay so technically if you were all those things and hated dogs you'd just be

zero just balance out okay now what i would love to know is like does our good friend band count If you were all those things and hated dogs, you'd just be... Zero. Just bounce out. Okay. Now, what I would love to know is like, does our good friend Ben count as not a dog person? Because he does go to the gym often. We know that. The thing that got me is the, oh, I'm looking for a short-term boyfriend to turn into a husband. That sounds like you're going to rush things real fast. Yeah.

Relatively short contract is not what should happen between boyfriend and hubby or just any relationship even like moving if you were like it's a short contract before you move in i'd be like god no that should also not be short it shouldn't even be a short contract before becoming official but is it just playful like is she serious i don't know it seems very strange to joke about that thing because anyone joking about it would understand how terrifying it is i think yeah right no that's right yeah it's it's not a great one also do you need to say you have high standards yeah hopefully that is the given that should be that should be the expectation not the exception and like no i must have video call to verify no scammers as a girl

i'm pretty sure the opposite happens a lot more often right like who's scamming you i mean i guess i guess she means like catfishers like less so people trying to take your money i don't know who knows it's gonna be a four for me i'm gonna give it a four as well well guys thanks for coming thanks for joining us today it was a pleasure to have you and we are thrilled every time you decide to spend an hour hanging out with us it means the world to us we are i mean as of tomorrow i'm back at work we're not open open but i'm there for some reason um so it's time to start commuting again and i know a lot of people a lot of places already are commuting so now's a great time to uh to suggest our show to some some of

your friends and we really appreciate it's the it's the nicest thing you can do for us yeah mean the world to us uh if you have a question you can hit us up on our website at fbuddiespodcast.com you can find all of our social media there including the instagram that now is working very hard on um or a contact page in which you can send in a question and we will answer it as fast as we can. And I'd just like to thank Josh Eagle and the Harvard Cities for their song Paper Stars. You ready for some bad sex writing? I am.

Now this is some erotic fiction that had been submitted to Reddit, which is meant to be true. So it's like a user submitted like, you know, this happened to me story. Betty's pussy was incredible and I think about it often. She was naturally a squirter

and it took almost nothing to get her to gush. Her clit was small and adorned beautifully by a small hood, which could easily be held open to grant me free access. Her lips were not quite hangers, but had a little more to them than most women, which made it incredibly, wildly, over-the-top satisfying to lick them, or pull them, and give me access to her vagina. I hated every- like've you've brought some real fucking dude but that like the fact that her name is betty it just made me immediately think of an

old woman and i look there's nothing wrong about old people getting down that's great fuck until you're dead you know what i mean that's great the mental imagery of this passage upsets me so much i feel like it was weird because it wasn't quite like clinical yes but it wasn't like erotic or natural it was like this weird just like right like threading the needle between the two where it sounded like a robot was writing it almost like it was just written so unnaturally that like there was nothing sexual about it. But yeah, that's the thing. It was so like procedural and just sort of like it was someone who like was, you know, 3D printing the mental image of a vagina in their head being like, yep, this part and this part and this part giving no care to romance it whatsoever. Also, why are you pulling

on labia what are you doing they're not udders leave them alone they had a cute little hud that adorned and gave him free act yeah the whole thing was awful yeah i didn't like it my name is dave miller and i'm now spain we've been your fuck buddies.