F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 141 - The Oral Bench

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

We're back to work for the first time in like seven months and if you think I've got the energy to come up with a real clever episode description, you can go STRAIGHT TO HELL.  Topics include how to absolutely not deal with annoying roommates, offending your date with kindness, when date night is every night, the legitimacy of horny fog, approaching sex as virgins, improving your girlfriend on Instagram and just a whole mess of terrible Tinders.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we get questions from either our incredible listeners or find them online on the topics of sex and dating and we answer them for you. Let me tell you, I know we talk about how hot it is usually quite a bit but today i have the added bonus of so my cat's litter is right by the the closet that i record in that's a pungent surprise one of them has decided to just do a very large powerful cat poop and now i'm sort of hot boxing myself quite literally with uh cat poop smells this is a really nice and charming way to let our listeners know about our really glamorous lives. I just want people to know the pain that I put into the art. That's all.

That's fair. We put in a lot. We struggled through cat poop fogs for you. I don't, but Dane does. It'd be weird if you did. I could send you some if you want. Yeah, let's do that. Speaking of things we should do, should we just answer some questions? I mean, well, first and foremost

Happy Pride Yeah, fuck yeah, happy Pride everybody It is Pride Month And we are staunch allies and supporters Of the LGBT plus community And we just want to say We're here for you and we're ready to support you And celebrate with you

We love you guys very much And not just this month say we're here for you and we're ready to support you and celebrate with you. We love you guys very much. And not just this month, like all the time. Oh, 100%. Which I hope is already clear, but, you know, we fucking love you guys. On that positive note, you ready for this? Oh, I don't know what the way you started that, but sure. This is anonymous. So I've been coming at my roommate's girlfriend's body wash because they're annoying as fuck.

For like two months, I jerk it in the shower, open shower open the pump dump it in and give it a good shake he just told me her period was super late so they took a pregnancy test and she's knocked up he said i trust her i guess a condom ripped her i don't know and they're gonna raise it we have a year left on the lease problem is i'm greek and they're white as fuck what are the chances i'm a dad oh, that took a left turn that I wasn't expecting. Unless they're using the shampoo as lube, I think you're okay. And even then, I don't think sperm really survives outside of the body. I'm pretty sure even the whole hot tub thing is not true. And even if it is, it's because hot tubs are the same temperature as a human body. I don't think shower gel is. I don't think that's correct either. What do you mean? I don't think the hot tubs are the same temperature as a human body? I don't think shower gel is. I don't think that's correct either. What do you mean? I don't think the hot tubs

are the same temperature as our internal... Sorry, I mean they're warm in there. That's why people used to argue that sperm could survive in them because they're warm and liquid. I have a glass of water right here. Dump some cum in. We'll see if it's still swimming by the end of the... It's very, very hot in here, so let me just rub one out

real quick and we'll see how these little boys are doing after this i think we can both agree it's just a no yeah again like unless they're just you know just pumping it in there as well she's you know like a little for the hair maybe a little for the pubes and then just you know a couple solid pumps for for the internal one don't. Two, I don't think sperm would survive in, you know, body wash conditions. Three, what the fuck is wrong with you, Anonymous? Yeah, that's something we haven't really

addressed yet. Yeah, don't... What the fuck? There's so many things that could go wrong with this, and not even like... I mean, I don't know how diseases would transfer if that were something to be worried about, because again, I don't know how, like, diseases would transfer if that were something to be worried about. Because, again, I don't know the shelf life of shampoo semen. No one should be exposed to your bodily fluids unless they are a willing participant in whatever acts you are currently doing in which your bodily fluids are being expelled.

Yeah, it's definitely a takes two to tango situation. Doing this means you're a gigantic scummy shitbag possibly sexual assault now what do you think is so annoying about maybe the thing that they're annoying about is they're constantly coming on him yeah you know what if if that's it then sure that's changed the whole thing you're still not great there's still other ways to deal with this but i can almost understand yeah like if you wake up every day and god damn it torrent of ejaculate then i get it all right hit me okay here's a here's another game of baffling things i was gonna save this

for later but we'll do it right now this comes from reddit user novel being 9485 need advice would a guy you're seeing be offended if you got tickets to a baseball game for the fifth date? I'm a 32-year-old female, and I've been talking and seeing this 31-year-old male. We have been on four dates, and he's been paying for all the dates thus far. I managed to pick up a round of beers during one date, but that's it. I'm thinking of splurging and getting decent seats, field level, to an upcoming baseball game next date is this too much or is this a good idea for context he's a big baseball fan okay so offended i would imagine not is it a nice idea 100 the only thing that i'm worried about is the cost of the tickets because it's only the fifth date you know like if they're like 300 200

dollars that's quite a lot to throw down and he he's going to know if he's a baseball fan. That could be something scary. It's like back in the day, we used to always talk about buying your date an iPad. Don't do that. Well, I mean, I guess it also depends on the dates you went on to prior. Like if you guys were going for like really fancy dinners. True. That it's easily this dude could have spent, you know, probably like at least $100 every time.

Well, even if you don't go for a fancy fucking dinner, let's be fair. It's like $100. I didn't even think about this so this is a valid point but i was bringing this because i just wanted to ask people who are single and dating are you okay because why would anyone be offended by this yeah you're doing a real nice like that's the thing it sounds so lovely the only worry i had was that uh it might seem like a little too much but like it's such a lovely thing to do the thing is is this is an experience this is a thing that you're doing together that ends like you said if you got them you know a fucking thousand dollar watch because they're into watches that's pretty fucking wild like that's something but like if you know they're a big baseball fan and you're doing this on a date,

it's like, I don't think again, unless the tickets are, you know, unreasonably priced, like unless you're spending like $600 for these tickets, I don't think anyone's going to be upset. But,

and, and if they do fucking take your best friend and never talk to this person ever again. Yeah. That's the thing. Like if they do get offended by this, like if their masculinity is so fragile that you can't buy them something because again that's kind of the only way i could assume anyone would be offended that that's a pretty good indication you shouldn't date this person going

forward and you only have to spend the cost of two tickets to figure it out that's a pretty good deal so honestly for me it's just like the cost and like the importance then or like the pressure put on the relationship as a result is kind of the only thing I might worry about. Cause like, if you guys are 20 and the tickets are like $300. Well, they're in their thirties. Okay. Yeah. See, that's the thing that changes it quite a lot. I say fucking go for it. You know, this is a really nice thing to do. It shows you care about them. You guys are gonna have a blast. And like Dane said, it's an experience, you know? And if they're like, Oh, whatever, you can be like, hey, you got the last four things. This is the least I can do.

And then you're showing that you're awesome as well. You appreciate the effort that they've put in, you know, both monetarily and, you know, thought-wise and everything. And it's fucking awesome and I love it and go for it. Yeah, that's kind of what I, like, the reason I brought this was because I wanted to, like, be like, guys, you guys need to chill, relax.

Like, at what point in time are you having anxiety about doing something like this? I think everyone is so in their heads when they're dating, especially dating a new person and especially someone that you actually really like, that I feel like you probably... People probably

do the most harm to themselves in the early stages of relationship being fucking weird like this. To be fair, I can kind of understand it, but again, only in the I'm worried I'm doing too much and it might scare them off kind of way. But that doesn't seem to be what they think. They just seem to think they might offend them, which to me

seems wild. Yeah. At any point, if you're on the fence, but the thing you're on the fence about is doing something very nice, just do the nice thing. We need more of it in the world. And again, like we've previously talked about, if that nice thing is to surprise them by flying halfway across the country when you guys aren't even dating, maybe don't do that. But like, use your best sense. If I was on a date and I was talking about, you know, a band that I loved. And for whatever reason,

I had been picking up most of the dates. And then that band was in town and someone was like, I mean, you don't even have to surprise them. There's no harm in asking. Yeah. Right. If someone was then like,

Oh, Hey, you love band of horses. Uh, they're in town. I'm also into them. Or I want to check them out because you, you know,

if they're so cool, I want to like, can I take you out to the, like, let me buy tickets and we'll go together. Like if you want to. Because there's also like the expectation of someone is free as soon as you, so like ask them to make sure they're

free before you buy tickets to something, especially their expensive things. Like those are the things you have to worry about. Don't worry about someone being like, oh, they pay attention to the things I like and want to share those experiences with me. Like that's such a weird thing to be hung up about. Yeah.

Like my second date with my girlfriend was flying trapeze that she organized. It's like, hell yeah. You know, like if she had decided not to do that because she was worried I'd be offended or whatever, like we would have missed this like incredible day we had together, you know? And that would have sucked. Yeah. There's so many possibilities. Like choosing not to do a fun thing

with someone because you're worried about something arbitrary only kneecaps your relationship like for all you know you're gonna hear like the song that ends up being your guys's song while you're there or like a hilarious inside joke or a tradition you know what i mean like maybe it becomes like your anniversary thing of going to a baseball game maybe become something really important to you the best thing is it's like no one's like saying hey you should go and like do this thing like on the fifth date like the rule is something big it's something you want to do that you came up with so it's like to not do that is also to kind of deprive them of like you right like that's the kind of person you are that you come up with this really nice thing you listen to them and you're willing to like

shell out the money and organize the day and like them because they've paid. It shows you're fair, you're equitable, you're nice, you're kind, you're thoughtful, you're adventurous to a certain degree, all these really cool things. So it's like to deprive the person you might potentially have a relationship with for a while of those things sucks. So don't do that. And again, if they're shitty about it, you've done yourself a favor by figuring it out. Yeah, I'm sure there's someone you work with or, you know, one of your friends would be happy to go day drink at a baseball game. Yeah. So, yeah, I do the nice thing. The world needs more nice things. Yes. Now more than ever, for God's sakes.

This is by Baseball Boy Matt. I told my girlfriend I think going out on dates four to five nights a week is excessive. I've been dating my girlfriend for about two years and it's become the norm for us to go out on a date four to five times a week. Dates for us include going out for dinner, movies, baseball games, bars, playing darts, or pool. Lately, I've been getting exhausted by all these dates. I'm 29 years old and she's 24. When we first started dating, it wasn't like this. She was in college at that time, but has since graduated and feels like she just wants to be taken out all the time. I do want to spoil her and I enjoy taking her out, but to me, four to five times a week is excessive and makes it less special. We've had this discussion though, and so far this led to no progress. I pay for most of all of the dates and I've told her I think it's

not good for her health to be going out this much, but none of it has registered with her. I know she's interested in me for more than just my money, so I'm not worried she's just using me and she's a gold digger, but I'm getting very exhausted from all these dates. When talking to her about cutting back on the dates, she usually just pouts or says things like, I don't love her as much as I used to. Oof. Yikes.

Yeah, four to five dates are fucking, even just going out four to five days a week. Yeah. Like if you were single. Leaving your home four to five times a week. Yeah. And that's not pandemic Dane talking. That is, and that's not 30-year-old Dane talking.

Like, even when I was in my 20s, the idea of, like, going out, like, almost every day of the week, that's exhausting. I've done it, and, like, for a short term, it can work, but it's also fucking, it takes it out of you. Oh, yeah, financially, yeah.

And a lot dumber, even though, not even financially, I mean, you can deal with it, it out of you. Oh, yeah. And I was young. Financially, yes. And a lot dumber. Even though, not even financially. I mean, you can deal with it, but that's a whole other fucking issue. But even if you can deal with it financially, it is exhausting, you know? Yeah. And also, man, there's so many things to talk about here. But, like, what about your fucking friends? Yeah.

Right? Like, that leaves you two days to see your friends. And if you see them on both days one you're only seeing your friends twice a week but two then you're never having time for yourself and like i don't know if like their date nights are like are you also are you going out with friends is that or like or are we talking specifically like date night it's just you and her because if that's the case yeah that's like the majority of your week it sounds like it's just them because if it's like if she

was like damn my girlfriend just wants me to hang out with my friends every day i think it would be a different argument yeah no i assume it's probably just them as well and that's yeah the the time in which you get to yourself is so limited as you said it's like you either now have to choose like oh recovery day or a day where i get to do something that I want to do. Now let's switch over to the fact where you're like, I don't think she's using me. But then she does say that you don't love her as much if you don't do exactly what

she wants. I don't think she's using me but she won't listen to me when I try to tell her I don't want to do the thing that she's manipulating me into doing that costs me a lot of money constantly. I mean like it might not even like, yeah sure, she might not be using you for your money but that doesn't mean she's not using you you know what i mean like it might not be sure it could potentially not be a financial thing or a money situation but like she's still manipulating you and gaslighting you and forcing you to do

something that you don't want to do that my dude is being used but also he pays for almost all of them and he is telling her he doesn't want to do them and she isn't letting him stop so money is definitely a fucking issue here and it does sound like she is entirely using you for it like she likes to go out four or five times a week and be treated money is just irrevocably contained in that situation yeah this could also be a uh like a codependency thing in the sense of one she's incapable of doing anything on her own or what is more likely is she wants to have him under her thumb and like yes absolutely finance plays into it 100% thing is if she just wants to like you know keep him locked up she could also be like cool like

two days a week we'll have a movie, not at home. And like he'd still be spending that time with her. That's a fair point. But it's like, for me, it seems very much money-based because like being taken out and going out, like it is expensive. You know what I mean? And the things that he's listed, like dinner, movies, baseball games, bars, these are all

like movies isn't that bad. Have you been to movies in the past? Yeah, true. Compared to dinner, baseball games in a bar. Well, I mean, if you get two movie tickets and snacks, it's like $80 now. Or close to. No way. Movie tickets

are like $20 now. I guess. Either way. All of them are fucking expensive is my point. And she won't let you not do it. And she insists that you pay for them. This sucks. Yeah, you need to have the conversation of being like, hey, I need me days. I need recharge days.

And I need days in which I can do things that I want to do and not be beholden to your schedule. We can absolutely still, you know, we can set a set date night and you know, we can still have impromptu dates of like, you know, if we're hanging around house and we're like getting a little cabin fever and we want to go out for sure. Like, I'm not saying that we're not going out ever again,

but one, this is exhausting me. And I'm like, it's not fun and it doesn't have anything to do with being with you. It has everything to do with, I just, I don't want to do it. You know what I mean?

And on top of that, be like, hey, and my love for you isn't dependent on me bringing you out four to five times a week. And like, you need to realize that and not say things like that, which are really mean when I'm trying to talk to you honestly and tell you something that's affecting me negatively, which you should care about. Because presumably you love me and we're in a partnership. And you can even bring back of the fact that this is a new thing that seems to have recently happened where you can be like, well, you know what I mean? Back when we weren't doing this, did you think I loved you less then

when you were in college? Because that seems to be unfair. It seems to be super unfair to quant or like qualify my love with the amount of going out we do and vis-a-vis the amount of money i'm spending yeah also i love how there's absolutely no evidence for like she's interested me for more than my money and she's not a gold digger like we get no reason why he thinks this when everything she says seems you know negative in general and possibly in that way i guess presumably like the before times right

yeah i guess either way you gotta talk to her man and then again you have to make sure like right now you're being gaslighted like just 100 she's gaslighting you into thinking that you don't love like the only way to prove your love to her is by doing these things and again it doesn't matter what it is it doesn't matter if it was you cooking dinner for her every night or it doesn't matter if it was you doing all the chores around the house like the the money can be removed of it if she's telling you you don't love me enough because you're not doing x that is an issue tell them that you don't want to do for very valid reasons yeah that's fucked up that's emotional manipulation it's gaslighting it's really shit like that's a toxic relationship right there so that needs to end before you guys

keep going yeah and if she doesn't explain like if she doesn't want to listen to you or meet you in the middle in these sort of situations then you need to be like cool then like unfortunately i hate to use your line against me. It doesn't seem like you really care about me. Yeah. Because I'm asking you to, you know, I'm not happy right now.

And you're saying the only way I can prove my love to you is to remain unhappy. Yeah. And that is unfair. A hundred percent. Nailed it. This almost ties in as well. This comes from sad. Okay. I don't think that's a word the guy i'm seeing i'm talking to says that when he's horny he cannot think straight and only the

only thing that comes to his mind is to come sometimes he just totally disregards what i say and my feelings because of that any other guys experience that to what extent are you not thinking straight i just want to say that he's not like assaulting abusing me i'm okay but it does result in me getting my feelings hurt sometimes after he comes he's like oh my god i'm sorry for what i said i couldn't think straight i feel better now though and he's back to his normal self could it be because he's still really young and has and have his hormones through the roof he's 20 and she's 22 this guy is gaslighting you and abusing you and it's terrible this is awful yeah just like again assault and abuse doesn't have to

mean anything physically although in this case he is like sounds like coercing her to have sex yeah ignoring what she says which again unless she's saying, yeah, okay, I want to have sex, which he wouldn't then be ignoring, it sounds entirely like fucking abuse. Yeah, 100%. Like, you are, like, this is sexual assault. You are being coerced into having sex because he's, I don't know what he's doing, but presumably probably treating you like shit in order for you to have sex with him and especially setting the precedent of being like hey i won't act this way if you fuck me or if you give me a blow job or you know whatever you're doing to basically punishing you until you do what he wants and then being like oh i'm so sorry like there's your there's your carrot there's your pat on the back now i can be normal like training you to get that out of the way anytime you fucking ask just you can have

a normal day-to-day relationship with this fucker, which is horrendous. As pretty much every question we answer, we usually give like a, if you want to be with this person, here are the things you need to talk about. I think what you need to do here is explain to him what he's doing in case he doesn't know. You know what I mean? Like in case he's just young and stupid and hasn't had proper education in this kind of stuff, i think you

need to be like hey this is bullshit what you're doing is is manipulation what you're doing is abuse you're coercing me into having sex and i'm not going to stand with for it and i'm going to leave and i don't think this guy gets a second chance yeah i wouldn't give him one um also like to the question to the like oh is it because he's young and hormones and blah, blah, blah. Look, when you're a young person, I won't even just say guy because I'm sure it's the same. Yeah, you can get super horny. Yeah, your emotion, your fucking hormones can, you know, really get up on your brain and all this shit. But like in much the same way as you don't get angry and stab a man to death for no reason or whatever, you learn fucking self-control and you get over it

basically immediately. You know what I mean? When I'm hungry, I don't just jump on someone and eat the food they have in their backpack or whatever. You control yourself. There is no like, oh, boys will be boys or it's just a guy thing. It's entirely this person's choice being a piece of shit.

You know what I mean? There is nothing like overwhelming them. As someone who's seen you and your hanger i don't know if i can stand by and allow you to make these claims i've never eaten your food then i may have wanted to desperately but yes you have always shown restraint um that's the thing that's a good point and i kind of want to talk about it as well is yes when i was young and hell even probably now if i was single i would make bad choices when i was horny and those bad choices were usually like you know sleeping with someone i probably shouldn't or you know going out

you know what i mean like running out to make it last call to meet up with someone who i was going to hopefully try to hook up with you know mean? Like just stupid things in desperation of trying to get laid. But at no point in time did that ever turn into me becoming like a completely, like I didn't come and become like a monster that needed a Snickers. You know what I mean? Like, like there's no sort of, and if you are that kind of person,

perhaps you should seek counseling or therapy or something. If you can't control your impulses and your desires, whatever it may be, whether, you know, hunger or anger or whatever. If you can't get a hold of that and actively be aware that, oh, hey, I'm acting this way because of this way, I should stop. Then there's something seriously wrong. And that's something that you need to address if you want to be a, one, a good partner and two, a decent human being. A lot of people say and do shit like this simply because they get away with it. You know what I mean? There's no way this person, if he had been shut down properly the first time, would have continued like this. You know what I mean? He wouldn't have broken up with her and been like, well, I'll just go find someone.

And even if he did, he would probably go until he found someone who unfortunately is a little bit naive in this situation where she's like, oh, is it true? Is this something that happens? Which was why I kind of wanted to make sure we stated that this isn't reality. You know what I mean? This isn't like, oh, it's a guy thing. Yeah. You know, like no one should have put up with that and no one should do that.

And if you're a guy and you're listening to this and you're getting that like twinge of recognition, stop. Don't be, don't be that. Like, it's like a pathetic child. Like, I need my sex. Like, fuck off. You're a grown ass human being. If you're having sex, act like it. You know what I mean?

Don't do yourself the disservice and don't do what is, you know, pretty much a fucking crime, if not fully a crime. Just don't be what is you know pretty much a fucking crime if not fully a crime just don't be a shit bag and hey look if you really get that that come mind fog you got a hand go jerk off i mean granted i don't know where you are maybe like yeah i would worry you know i mean like if it's at work that's your own problem you're gonna have to fucking deal with that the we talked about it before as well where people are like oh you know i feel like i have to do this for my partner. It's like, no, your sexual desire and your sexual pleasure isn't a hundred percent reliant on your partner. Your partner is not in charge of that. You hopefully are able to communicate a healthy sexual relationship in which you guys take care of each other sexually and meet each other's sexual pleasure and desire and stuff like that.

And that should be a conversation. And that should be a conversation. And that should be a thing that you work on together for your entire relationship. But it's not a, I'm horny, so I should have sex. That's not how it works. It is not a, you know, if horny, then sex. You never have the right to someone else's body or services, no matter what. You know what I mean? There isn't some like, oh, if I don't have sex right now, else's body or services, no matter what. You know what I mean? There isn't some like,

oh, if I don't have sex right now, I'll die disease. And if there is, then I'm sorry, but between the choice of co-opting and forcing people to pleasure you or dying, maybe just choose death. Oh god. Right? Like, if your existence is

predated on sexually assaulting people, sorry bud, See ya. Yeah, we have enough high school hockey teams for that. God. Like, just don't be shit. And if you're on the receiving end of this shittery, don't let it happen. You are worth so much more than that. yeah like i said we are firm believers in communicating issues with your partner and trying to sort it out and giving people the other like your end and talking about it healthily i think this is a situation where it's not your responsibility to educate this dude but i think it would be beneficial for him to hear it again it is not your responsibility to do it but if if you do i think you need to get out of this relationship and i think you do need to be like hey what you're

doing is fucked up. And I'm not going to stand for it. I respect myself too much. I value myself too much. And this is so ass backwards. Goodbye. And then, you know what I mean? If he changes his tune, maybe he gets another chance later down the road.

But I think at this point, he's had so many chances. And if the crux of your relationship, if one person is apologizing for something they do to you, you know, every other day, then this isn't a relationship. So, you know, use your own best judgment, of course. But it does sound like this guy really needs a boot at the bare minimum. Okay, you ready? Yep. This is by Reddit guy. Here we go.

Male 23. Do women really like bad boys we hear it all the time women go crazy for bad boys i've just wondered how true it is i've tried applying it in my dating life a little is that really what women want it's got 6.9 out of 10 on imdb and a 42 on rotten tomatoes wait it's not like it was that great of a movie but it's kind of a cult classic will smith and mart and Martin Lawrence have pretty good chemistry together. The sequels are okay, but not as good as the original. Not like this.

Most dates I always try to bring up the movie a handful of times in conversation. Then I suggest we go back to my place and watch Bad Boys 1. I try to set up my second date for Bad Boys 2 and the third date with 3. Most women don't really seem too enthused, and I've never made it to a third date slash movie. I'm always trying to concentrate really hard on watching movie watches so she could see how much i love it too i just don't get why people think women love this movie so much and it hasn't worked great in my dating life ladies let me know what you think about bad boys thanks oh my god so good i mean obviously we're not answering this well this is obviously a joke but it is definitely a joke but what's your date movies like when you were younger donnie darko

donnie darko was one of them and then as i got older um no i think it was just donnie darko i don't think i watched a whole lot of movies late like movies were like kind of my teenage thing yeah same um but i will tell you a fucking stardust great i know so i always want to say inkheart which is that brendan frazier movie with the whole unicorn i've never seen it see the danger of brendan frazier is he's too attractive so you just look ugly in comparison yeah uh this is poggle fruit okay i don't bring up sex and conversation between virgins. Hello. Just yell it. There we go. Next question. Max! Here's the thing. I am not going to completely disagree with you on this.

Hello. So my boyfriend, 18, and I, also 18, they're male and female, have been dating for one and a half years. We are each other's first relationship, and I feel ready to let things get more intimate between us and have sex for the first time. We've only gone to the sexual extent of grinding, but I would like more.

I feel like he wanted more with the way he was feeling my body and moving against me. He has told me he is sexually interested in me, but I'm not sure how to bring up if he is ready to have sex, because we are both virgins. The circumstances of his life would make having sex difficult for both of us, but I would like to share that experience with him as my first time. Any tips on asking if he's interested in sex with me as we are both virgins? or first two sentences that you wrote on this uh like post we're like oh we've been dating for whatever and i i kind of want to like take our sexual whatever to the next level say that to him yeah or when you're grinding you can like move a hand down towards those fucking jeans and be like do you mind if i take these off yeah you know and then when you do that just like give him a hand job it's you're in a great position because you didn't just meet this guy. You didn't just whatever.

You're dating and you've been dating for a long time. And you guys, you know, if you're grinding on each other and, you know, groping each other and whatnot, it's pretty much tacitly telling you, hey, I find you very attractive sexually. You know, like no one's grinding on anybody mostly, but definitely not on people they don't find attractive. Yeah. I mean, you're in a unique position of you guys or you at least specifically have the opportunity to set the standard of what you guys or how you guys deal with sex in your relationship. And you have the ability to now make it possible to make this an open sexual conversation and for you to bring up be like hi you know i would like to hello there hello my name is puggle swab or whatever it was puggle fruit you may know me from the last four to five dates we've taken every week you can just

bring it up while you guys are together and be like i would like to like i'm really interested i really like you and i would like to have sex with you. What are your thoughts on this? How do you feel? Are you like, are you on the same page? I'm not here to rush you or pressure you. If you need more time, that's fine. But just letting you know, on my end, I'm ready. And I would like to do this with you. And like, that's the thing, because obviously you are a compassionate, thoughtful person who, you know, you want to do it and apparently want to do it right and i fucking applaud you for that that's great especially in well they're like 20 right uh 18 and 19 i think okay so young ish i guess but still seems like you want to do it right and that's great so just bring it up straight there's no magic trick you know what i mean the magic is

being confident enough to communicate properly and if you bring it up then you know if he doesn't want to instead of getting you know upset or angry or embarrassed you can talk about why and just really like get the conversation out there and if he does want to great i do still think you should take it in steps yeah i mean don't just jump straight to sex um like enjoy yourself that's the thing it's like there's a whole fucking path all the way to the sex garden enjoy the views stroll along it smell the bushes read the signs you know have a picnic maybe on a bench the oral bench for a while um you know dabble in the fucking swamps of 69 before you realize you never want to go back there you know the oral bench sounds like a great place to visit at the park but it is traumatizing because it's never the people you want to see sitting on it.

You know what I mean? It's always just the grim reaper. And so it's just an old man surrounded by birds. Cool. What are the birds doing? Gobbling. Oh, dear.

But yeah, this sounds great. You know what? In my first relationship, my girlfriend after six months was the one who said to me almost in this exact way, being like, hey, I think we should have sex. And it was really funny because I was 15 and horny ass fucking boy. But like the thought of actually having sex just like kind of never occurred to me. I don't know why. Like, I just, I don't know. I guess maybe it was in the future, but I just felt like we were young or I was a fucking dumbass. I don't know. And I was just like, that is something we could do. We could do that. That's my God.

Sex. That's, that's the thing. And it was great. We, then like two or three weeks later we had sex and it was awesome, but get condoms. Don't do what I did there.

Like, I don't know what your level of sexual education is, but there are some things you need to look at how to put a condom on properly, discuss if something starts to hurt or whatever you know talk about how you guys will handle things within the experience it's not like you're having sex with some dude you've never met before like really make this a moment for you to to like enter into a sexual relationship and like nile said explore things you know what i mean and tell him be like hey when we're doing these

things let's talk to each other and make sure we're doing things that we like so if he starts fingering you be like hey I'm not going to criticize you but like if I tell you if I tell you to do something don't be self-conscious I'm just teaching you what I like and ask him to tell you the same thing right exactly tell each other when it feels good tell each other

you know oh a little less hard or whatever and again kindly and the thing is like you're both going to be super fucking insecure Exactly. Tell each other when it feels good. Tell each other, you know, oh, a little less hard or whatever. And again, kindly. And the thing is, like, you're both going to be super fucking insecure during this thing. You know what I mean? He's going to be terrified that he's either going to come too soon or not get it up or, you know, a variety of fucking things or not make you come or etc. So, like, the more open and honest and genuine and fucking, like, kind to each other you you are the better this is going to be and the thing is even if you guys break up a week later those those are lessons you're going to carry throughout your entire life and you're going to start your sexual journeys off the right way you know so many people didn't and are still figuring it out um but you guys can start

positively and kindly and healthily and and then you'll also cherish that memory together for the rest of your life hopefully that's the thing that like i hope this podcast puts out in the world are people who who bring the like hopefully the the you know information and the advice that we give to the start of relationships because one of the things i'm i i count my lucky stars all the time is my first sexual partners were all very, very good to me in the sense of like introducing me to things and explaining things to me. And you know what I mean?

Like really fostering healthy sexual relationships with them, which I was then later on able to bring to other relationships. And the amount of people who I met later on down the road were shocked that i did certain things you know i mean like you know even things as simple as consent and like verifying consent and stuff like that and being adamant about using condoms like the amount of women who when i was sleeping with multiple people were shocked that i was like ready and present with condoms and that they didn't have to ask me to do it was just crazy. Cause like, to me you would like, and I've seen the two,

but I would assume this is the bottom line. You know what I mean? Yeah. But like to just always be like, yeah, condoms, like it's crazy that it's not as rare as like common as it should be. It was, it was like one of the things where I was like, Oh, okay. Like I was lucky that my female partners made it very clear. But like, if we're not wearing a condom, we're not having sex. And I was lucky that they were confident enough and, you know, educated enough. And, but also like open enough to tell me these things. Yeah.

I, I thank my lucky stars. Like I said, every fucking time I think about how my sexual career has been, because if wasn't for you know the women towards the start of my sexual experiences i don't know like all it takes is like one bad you know experience to kind of shape how you move forward with it so this is a really great chance to foster a an incredible sexual life and like like you said whether it's with this guy or not you know hopefully he will learn how to treat women respectfully and approach sex healthy and safely. And you will be able to do the same. Like you'll be able to go for and be like, Hey, this really worked for us. And I'm going to do the same thing with new partners. Yeah. So these are all, these could be the building blocks of an incredible

sexual life and just a really nice moment for both of you guys. So, you know, talk to them, be honest, be open, you know, don't be scared about saying things. Don't be scared about researching. You know what I mean? There's absolutely nothing wrong. This is also a thing I think people find it's like, if you look up like anything about sex, it's like embarrassing or whatever that is baffling. You know what I mean? Like you don't just, you're not just born knowing how to finger somebody, um, or jerk somebody off, you means research by all means research together by all means do your own research and by that i mean don't become anti-vax um anyway you you know you know what to do you seem you seem good the fact that you're you're reaching out to other people already is

good but like you're in a good position you have all the opportunities i will say the only thing i'm confused about is you talked about his situation might be awkward for sex yes don't know what that means but like if you can try to find a place where you guys can like relax when you're having sex you know yeah you don't want to be like pants around the ankles like abusive parent in the room next door kind of deal or yeah or something like that you know it like trying to have sex very quietly while there's someone else in the room who's asleep like you know if you can get a hotel or a hostel or a hostel a motel or whatever a car your place his place there's presumably somewhere but like the more kind of like time and comfort you guys have the better

this can be because you don't want to rush it i remember the first time i i fingered someone um i just assumed like i was very young and the the idea was like oh i just use my fingers like i imagined sex should or like you know my penis would be doing the work so i pretty much just thought it was like in and out and that's not really the way to do it. And thankfully, again, the woman I was with was very nice. It was like, hey, try this, do this. And, you know, showed me the motions in which to do. And I was like, oh, wow. I was like this. I never would have figured this out.

No one told me I had to figure it out in the vaginal trenches. Yeah, no, I was like, this isn't like, you know, no one would have really thought that it's like the come hither motion. You know what I mean? It's like that's that's not really something you would especially because you can't see you know on poor or important all you really see is someone fucking just finger blasting someone and like them loving it and the more you can tell someone with sex the better they're gonna be and the better the sex is gonna be we've said it a thousand times be good be kind

communicate you're ready last question let's do it This is throw our a photo editing. My 19 year old female boyfriend, 19 year old male edits my appearance in his posts. I don't have Instagram, but he's always had permission to post pictures of me. Anyway, my friend was on her phone and I saw one of his pictures pop up and asked her to go into his account. And every single picture of us was edited, not extremely. And he edits himself too, but the stuff he does a bit insulting my skin is paler my boobs are bigger i'm smiling with teeth completely clear face he edits himself too but not to the extent he edits me i'm pretty insulted by this is neutral me not good enough for you but at the same time i'm wondering if he's just really insecure and i'm being roped into it should

i approach this gent yes i think you should i i don't think anything is going to like like nine times out of ten approaching something that you want to talk to your partner about with, you know, gusto or a malice or aggression. That's never going to pan out well because people just go into defensive mode and then it just becomes not about whatever you're talking about or what you want to talk about. It becomes about how you're talking about it. And then, and then you're fighting about bullshit that doesn't matter. And now you're broken up because, you know, you guys have said stupid shit to each other because you've turned what could have been a very, you know what I mean, sensitive topic or real, you know, moment of understanding into a fight. I will also say, depending on what app he's using to edit, fuck, I forget the name of it, but there's one that like just does a general one size fits all edit. It's actually a fucking crazy app where you can like pinpoint every different part of yourself and like change it. But there are modes where just like auto does it.

And there's more shit happens to women than happens to men. And that includes like making their boobs bigger and et cetera. So it could be that he's just running like a general thing over it and it's just doing it all automatically. Yeah. like a general thing over it and it's just doing it all automatically yeah um also even like my new phone i was trying to take a fucking selfie the other day because i desperate to try put up some content on our instagram and it was so fucking it was the weirdest picture i was like i look like shit and i kept trying to like take one because i haven't like used it and it just was so bizarre so i was like trying to go into the settings and it had like an auto like filter thing which i

turned off and i was like oh that's why i look like a fucking clown because it was like trying to go into the settings and it had like an auto like filter thing, which I turned off. And I was like, oh, that's why I look like a fucking clown. Because it was like changing my skin tone and like making my eyes bigger. Doing all this weird shit. Like the portrait mode or whatever, right? Yeah, it was fucking crazy. So it's like there is a chance that he is not necessarily doing this on purpose. You know, like he's not going in and going, oh, damn, those boobs. Gotta fix them.

Oh, shit. Like her face. Gotta clear that it could just be the app itself and he doesn't notice or or thinks that that's normal and also if he's editing himself clearly he's insecure about posting pictures and maybe he thought to do it to himself and not to you would be unkind i don't know but it definitely like there is a realm of of not shitness there and obviously he thinks you're attractive if he's with you yeah i mean like this is the danger of social media and people who get sucked into like the influencer life of everything being curated and everyone being perfect it's like he might be insecure about

himself and worried that like oh no my girlfriend isn't as hot as you know this person's girlfriend and you know i mean it's like it could be anything it could be like donald said like maybe it's just a fucking, you know, one tap button that fucking is like, or, you know, maybe it is him fucking drinking the Kool-Aid of the Instagram influencer life and is trying to like,

you know, mimic that bullshit. But I think it is worth a conversation. It's so easy to approach this without malice and just be like, hey, I saw some of the pictures on Instagram. Why are you edit? Like, why is there a filter

you're using? Because my boobs aren't that big or I look a little different. Like, yeah, you know, is are you using an app is there a filter you're using because my boobs aren't that big or i look a little different like yeah do you know is are you using an app or what's going on there um and then see how it is and and depending on his answer it's like you can then go down different routes of of discussion of being like well i'm not really comfortable with that yeah it makes me feel really a self-conscious and shitty that you know i, I'm being tailored. It feels like these are the things you want to change about me. And that's not great. Like, I don't like that. And you know what I mean? Like there are ways to bring it up without being like,

oh, am I not hot enough for you? You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Like if you came in with that energy, it's going to be a much different conversation and it's going to be a much less productive conversation. Yeah. And again, if he turns around, he's like, well, I wish your boobs were bigger. Great. He's an asshole. if he turns around, he's like, well, I wish your boobs were bigger. Great. He's an asshole. You've done yourself a favor by figuring it out, you know?

And I really hope that's not going to be the case, but if it is again, shitty situation, but the benefit is that you get to jettison the dead weight and live your life. Or start an Instagram of your own and just start making really bad edits of him. Just say,

just save every picture he's posted, but be be like here's the unfiltered version and just yeah call it like greg raw and then just photoshop logan paul's face on all of his pictures the worst of faces the worst face all right i think that's it that is it um at the end of the episode, we like to hop on online dating and peruse and find red flags and profiles and what works and what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little bit better. I got some fucking choice tinders for you. I can't wait. Okay, well, we'll start off with Varvara.

No alcohol, all caps. Bad side effect for me. Milk and honey, 5.9. I assume 5.9, I don't know. Maybe that's their climbing grade. University, use blood for my morning bath. Hate dumb men, not kind, not open mind, not easy going. Most sexual in a man, brain, ambitions, hands, bold head.

Wolf, no rabbits please. Boring to even chat with that stuff. I am not share man. My man with any other stuff except his kids no hookups i guess alpha and beta are the bunny and wolf unless it's like a carnivore like vegan thing i know there was a lot there to address and i don't know why that was the one i fixated on but i think it was the safest thing to talk about i love like not kind not open mind not easygoing it's like cool like zero i'm sorry like the rest of it could be incredible and you get a zero for that like i don't want someone who's not kind or not open-minded and not easygoing why the fuck would i ever want someone who's not kind and not easygoing and not open-minded it's's like, that's it. Done. That line itself, you're dead to me.

I'm a bad person. Please date me. But hey, we've seen it. You know what I mean? Almost word for word, that. I know. So it is a straight-up zero for me. Yeah, I will also give it a zero because I don't want any part of that. Okay. Do you want me to keep going? No, I got one. This is John. He's 27.

I am legal age and actually 27 not under age i just look really young for my age okay he's definitely 15 right here's the thing he doesn't look that young but like i don't even care what he looks like saying that is a real red flag for me yeah no 100 i'm not a serial killer i have never murdered i do not like the the nice feeling of flesh coming away from the bone when I slice it with my special box cutter my dad gave me. I've never killed anyone. I know I look like I have a serial killer look,

but I am legally not a killer. Not a single person has died in the basement hidden under my house full of chains of dried blood. Yes, I was like, okay, well. Is that it? That's it. That's all he had to say. I thought I was interrupting you. No, that's zero.

Yeah, that's not a profile, my dude. It's not even approaching a profile. We got BA. Their interests are yoga, museums, and galleries. They're ambitious. They like intelligence. And they're adventurous. What else about them oh yeah

my personal hell is trying to find traditional husband material in this post-apocalyptic liberal cesspool of a city where everyone's a polyamorous communist pansexual uh if you are unvaccinated swipe right oh okay i mean here's the thing i hate. But in terms of a profile, that's a lot of red flags for me, but probably a lot of green flags for someone else. So I think it's red flags personally. I also think it's just red flags out of like in general. You know what I mean? Just red flags in general. Yes.

Some of those in general red flags will be green for somebody else. Does that mean it's okay? No, that's a minus two for me. I do like that polyamory is just like kicking off so much that it's now triggering the, you know, quote unquote, not snowflakes. Well, as you know that, you know, Toronto is nothing but polyamorous communist pansexuals. I mean, I've heard less accurate descriptions of Toronto. They just make the city sound fucking great.

This is David. He's 55. Just joined. June 9th. Stable, great guy. 100% real. I'm looking for an amazing younger guy for hangouts and definitely more. Thinking emoji. Better yet, long-term relationship plus. I'm a great catch great is spelled gr8

trust and companionship are important to me i would love to meet that special guy i can treat like a prince and delete this app saying that you're stable makes me believe 100 you are not yes yeah saying you are real makes me 100 believe you are not unless like is he so hot that his reality is is in question no okay i didn't think so because if you were you wouldn't also have to state that you were stable uh there's i don't know what it is i feel like he's gonna kill someone uh the weird thing of being like i joined today oh yeah that's also just unless you're very lucky it's it's wrong it's i mean like it is today's date i don't know if he's going to update it every day i joined yesterday yeah i joined three days ago so he did

in fact join today but um yeah there's a lot here and it's one of those like here's the thing when a 55 year old man spells great gr and the number eight it's upsetting to me he's trying to infiltrate he's trying to hang with the kids dude well he is looking for an amazing younger guy younger is also spelt yngr which i don't know is a if that's a gay community thing i don't know if there's a more connotation to that spelling or not he's just trying to be chill online right yeah or are you trying to like hello fellow youths wells? Well, that's the thing. He's just, I don't know. It's the whole thing rubs me wrong.

Given that too. Yeah. Same thing. Also, like, why would you have to state that you're stable? It's like if you were getting your vaccine and like the nurse, like, looked at you and was like, this is a clean needle. I promise. This won't kill you. Don't worry about it.

This isn't, this isn't a microchip. Wink. I went to school for. This isn't a microchip. Wink. I went to school for this. Yeah, I'm fully qualified. Okay, thanks. Gwyn's 26. Likes music, volunteering, yoga, photography, festivals. First things first, I'm pregnant at the moment, but don't let that stop me from having fun.

Second thing, I'm engaged to a wonderful man who doesn't know I'm on here. Getting married March of 2022, heart. I'm looking to see how much fun i can have before my wedding next year i'm also intrigued to see if you could attempt to steal me from my fiancee what oh my god i hope i hope someone finds like sees her that knows him like i hope one of his buddies is singles a single and and like now once again that is gwen 26 what an absolute terrible person i would hope it's not true but if it's not true what wild game are you playing and if it is true the fuck is wrong with you i mean like if it's not true if this is a gambit you are looking for a very specific type of dude yeah someone who's a asshole i'm looking to be treated very poorly by someone while i jeopardize my marriage i is this going to be our

first minus 10 i don't know i the thing is it's like i wouldn't have a problem like nothing of this would be bad if there was a slight change of like they were polyamorous like okay cool but the fact that you're actively one pregnant with a dude's baby or yeah dude's baby engaged to get married to him and are actively looking to betray all of that actively and

gleefully and while also being like hey let's see if I can just trash my entire life and ruin this dude's whole life. Like, cool. Cool. If this was like, I have an over relationship and want to have sex, we'd be like, cool. That's not the issue here. The issue is that this person

is a garbage human. Minus 10. Yeah, I'm not even gonna fucking rate it. I'm abstaining. Disgust. As should anyone who sees this profile abstain from this person. I mean, post this person all over fucking Instagram. Well, it is actually doing the rounds on Reddit. So that's all I'll say.

We've had a spicy few today. So maybe I'll even it out with this. And you'll like this because they're very spooky. Hell yeah. Their name is Kaya. Okay. Looking for a guy who's romantic, openminded loves video games horror especially uh loves disney parks wants a commitment and seeks the dark forces to join their hellish crusade nice i like that

nine for me it's nothing special but after all that i'm gonna give it a 10 i think i think it's it's got a little bit of flavor it's got a little bit of, info. It's there's nothing problematic. There's, you know what I mean? Like she's not trying to ruin anyone's life. She doesn't seem to hate, you know, sexual freedom. So we're good. Okay. And then how about Kion? This is a quote.

The stars are beautiful. Has a very deep meaning. If you can have this conversation conversation you will feel very romantic and now another quote how to enjoy canada i don't know i uh are those questions he's posing himself uh she she is posing them i guess the stars are beautiful as a quote has a very deep meaning if you can have this conversation you will feel very romantic. How to enjoy Canada is a quote. And then they answer, I don't know. Yeah.

I don't know why, but those two lines are just like my favorite. How to enjoy Canada. I don't know. No, still figuring that one out. Poof, beyond me. I like scars. That's all you get. Yeah.

All right. That's going to get. Yeah. All right. That's going to be a five because everything else was terrible. So the bar is very low for you. How about grace? We don't know each other. Don't talk about meeting without knowing each other. I am not a casual person. Big smile face.

Single mother, prepare to develop in Toronto. Prepare to develop? Prepare to develop in Toronto. All right?? Prepare to develop in Toronto, alright? Right now. I don't know what that means. I assume it's like, if you're dating me, prefer to like, have a family. Set roots down.

Have a family here, you know? This energy I'm not a big fan of. I'm gonna give that a 3. It's quite aggressive. And last but not least, Katie, 27, 6'1", so don't swipe right unless you're taller. Please reread that first sentence. New to Toronto. From the West Coast.

Best Coast. Leo, devil face. Hooper, basketball emoji. BA in criminal justice, nerdy face. Faith and family over everything, praying hands. I'm trying to find my best friend, side eyes emoji. The fucking height requirement shit, it's... At this point, I don't even know if it's a red flag because it's so fucking common i guess i get it as like a you know someone who's six one that's pretty fucking tall just throw in

i'm six one and like we know why you're saying it but you're still not being shit but then they have to be like don't swipe right unless you're taller it's like okay and then immediately below they say please reread the first sentence it's like okay fuck you i'm sorry you're just a shit i would however swipe right on her specifically because i am nowhere near six one just to waste her time um i again i'm gonna give it a four because like meh compared to the absolute shit show that was today this week's like variety. Yeah, I had like two, three. Well, I hope everyone enjoyed that atrocious

selection we had for you guys today. I hope you never see these people on Tinder. I hope you aren't these people. And if you are, sorry for trashing your profiles, but hey, get better. Yeah, maybe start at the first episode of our show and work your way through and we will show you how to be a better person.

Hopefully we don't make you worse. Thank you very much for hanging out with us, friends. It is incredible to have you and we are so grateful that you spent your time hanging out with us. It means the world to us. Yeah, we love it every time we, like, you know, when you guys check in

with us, send us questions, follow us on social media and like our shit and interact with us in any way. And those those sweet listens. We appreciate it. So thank you. If you have a question, you can hit us up on our website at FBuddiesPodcast.com. You can find all of our social media there. You can also listen to the latest episode as well.

If for whatever reason you want something browser based. Also, you can hit us up there's a contact form you can fill out your agent name we keep it completely anonymous and we will answer your question as soon as we can hell yeah thank you to josh eagle and the harvard cities for their song paper stars you ready for some buddy once told me are you ready for uh some bad sex earning so this is going to be different. This is a screenshot from a conversation on Parler. Ooh.

And this is one brave anonymous poster who is trying to fix, just fix the state of marriage in America. Hell yeah. I'm sure this is going to be great. This is his suggestion. So fathers send their daughters to wife school. It's going to be state or privately funded. Women learn the skills necessary to be a good wife. Cooking, cleaning, housemaking, minimal math for grocery shopping and measurements,

child rearing, sex classes when old enough, fashion and modesty, animal caretaking, gardening, and emotional support. If you are a low to middle status man, you walk into wife school. The women will be graded from E up through A and then S. The grades will factor in their technical skill, age, attractiveness, and personality. Graded women are separated by floor, each floor higher in the building, a higher grade woman. Step out of the elevator on your chosen floor. Staff blows a whistle. Girls call to assembly room. You walk in. Topless girls age 16 to 22 lined up for you to choose. Each has a name tag with father's contact information.

Choose girl according to grade and your status. Contact her father and make arrangements. Walk out with a well-trained, traditional wife. What hellish nightmare world is this man living in? He lives in America where everybody's a pansexual polyamorous communist. Christ, that sounds that is literally like the plot of some sort of fucking dystopian

horror movie. The person themselves obviously totally stable when they both want women to do modesty classes but then wants to line up girls age 16 to 22 topless for him to walk around and peruse. Yeah, it seems pretty neat that it's 16 because that's not an adult, my dude.

I don't care what legal, you know, bullshit your state might have. A 16 year old girl should not be topless and ogled by any dude who decides to. Also, who's going to be like, you know what I want? An E-tier woman yeah well i think that the funny thing is that like they do mention very briefly that like according to your status so it's like i'm i'm guessing the man who posts this is clearly s tier oh yeah has to be because i'm sure he's he's this bitter and grim about everything because he's had so much success in the real world dating yeah he'd be miserable stuck down in E tier, which also fucking grading. No, just this whole thing is disgusting.

It makes my skin crawl. Whoever wrote this, go fuck yourself. Man, parlor is the future, right? My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. We've been your fuck buddies. Just a couple S-tier boys.