F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 142 - Submerged in Squirt

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

Dain fought the Claw and the Claw won.  Topics include Batman's cunnilingus preference, a forlorn vibrator, a penis ejecting vagina, men complimenting men and the parent trip.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I am Niall Spain And we are, and always have been, your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we

turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we find queries on the topics of sex and dating, either online or from our wonderful listeners. We answer them for you. And today, Niile has put before me a impossible task. Yeah, I kind of threw Dane under the alcoholic bus today by some of you might have seen this post

saying that for every react we got, he was going to have a white claw. That got out of hand. A little bit. But... Oh, yes, son. Gripping and ripping. Is that three or four now?

This is number three, I believe. Did you say I believe? Well, I did just pour it, like, just straight on my crotch. Oh, man. Yeah, I love it. Hey, there's no laws, so you can pour it on your crotch all you want. That's how I drink now. It's like butt chugging, but through my urethra.

I made a mess. Jesus. Okay, well, this is a good start. It's like butt chugging, but through my urethra I made a mess, Jesus Okay, well, this is a good start In other news, you're a fully vaccinated boy I am fully vaccinated I have the power of Pfizer flowing through my veins I got really lucky I passed by a pharmacy as they had their last two shots

And they were just like, you want it? And I was like, hell yeah So, yeah, this is great Agreedly it he took both shots i took both yeah each arm is now immune to corona instead of just one um yeah and i'm i'm scheduled for uh when this comes out tomorrow hell yeah the tuesday the tuesday which means the reality of me and you both being in the same room at some point is possible it's narrowing i mean like if we wanted to be super safe and playing by the rules like two weeks time so by like july

we will we could be in this room together this closet together sweating it up being boy power now do we want to do that as in wait or as in ever see each other again as in like getting a small sweaty closet because like i would love to know and i probably should because i was there for both but like is there an energy change when like we're separate is it the same is it better i don't know i see i don't want to say anything because i don't want to put any expectations on when we finally do start recording together in person i just want to let's just see what happens you know what i mean like i don't want to think about it i don't want to um i will also say i keep

manifesting i keep saying i'm manifesting shit ironically and uh it's all come true well i kept joking about getting my vaccine on the way home from work the day we became eligible and hey worked out i literally said, I told my girlfriend, I was like, well, first things first, I kept being like, we're going to get vaccinated.

When, when they finally opened up to our age bracket, I was like, we're going to get vaccinated in like two days. And she's like, that's not going to happen. We're gonna have to wait like a couple months before we get our first dose.

And sure enough, a couple of days later, we were, there was a pop-up and we got, went and got vaccinated. And then I was like, by June 22nd, we're going to get vaccinated. What's our appointment for our second dose?

What is this, June 22nd? June 22nd. Isn't that fucked? Can you manifest that we make some money off the podcast? Sure. I don't know. It's such a coincidence. But also, I don't believe in like the whole manifesting thing

but so far everything i've quote unquote manifested as a joke has happened that's gonna be dane's advice for the entire podcast you could probably just stop listening now yep crack a white claw and manifest your problems away girl You've become so basic in the last year and a half, Dane. Are you ready for some sex news? Sure. Did I or did I not scour the city to find a cum tree for us? Because I did. And if anyone in Toronto

wants to know what their cum should smell like, go to Shaw and Harvard and there's a tree that smells like semen right there. I've never encountered this tree. Is it like, do I have to pull a leaf off the tree? No, no. You just like, as you cycle past it on the street, you get a big whack of semen in your face.

That can be our first date when we go back out. We can go to a semen tree and drink some White Claws. Hell yeah. Now we're doing it. Hot boy summer. Hot boy summer. And did you hear about the Batman cunnilingus controversy or the bcc i did i did hear about this okay damn i was hoping i could like side swipe you with that one

no i know i know about it i still don't quite understand it and what the position truly is but i did hear about the fact that i think it's like in the harley quinn sort of like adult animated series um batman it has been forbidden to go down on catwoman because heroes don't do that yeah what the fuck quote is that heroes don't do that what does that mean what does that mean dc like also dc i like we've given shit to a lot of people for giving out bad sex advice didn't ever think we'd have to have you on the firing line but goddamn you're not good at this i mean if we want to peel back the curtain he is a privileged white male billionaire so the fact that maybe that's just canon that bruce wayne doesn't go down yeah maybe he just is a really bad and bad and like look no one should be forced to do any act that they don't want to do but on the

other side saying heroes don't go down on people is such a wildly incorrect statement because it's basically saying oh have you gone down on someone you're not a hero yeah It's like, what? Hey, DC, think about the troops. Okay. Keep going here. What are you saying? I'm just saying, if any soldier has ever gone down on their partner or anyone, that they're not a hero. Therefore, vis-a-vis, DC is saying that our men and women in the military are not heroes. Now, here we have the highest honor we can bestow upon someone for their incredible actions leading to saving the lives of dozens and dozens of women and children and kittens and puppies.

And, oh, just before we pin it on, sorry, have you ever gone down? You touch that puss with your tongue? Well, yeah, I- Get out, you villain! Clap him in irons! Heroes don't do that. That literally sounds like something that Marjorie Taylor, whatever the fuck her name is, would say. Yeah. It sounds like a joke, like a fucking Onion article or something.

What are you doing? Go down on people, and it is actually heroic. I gotta say, I've made a real mess with this how it's this oh man are you ready for a question i don't know i'm ready for anything yet uh well i'm giving you one this is by boy down the block right after sex my girlfriend looks at me and says i miss my vibrator it caught me off guard we just had sex and i got her off three times before i let mine go when we do have sex it's great and we've communicated things we like and worked through it all up until this point

this time though right after she finished she looked at me and said i miss my vibrator i don't know what to do i just left the room not even 100 sure why it bothered me so much but seemed kind of out of pocket to say something like that right there and then any thoughts that's i mean i think if anyone said that to me i'd be like what it's it's quite casually cruel i mean like i don't know like maybe she was maybe that was a setup for a joke and you just walked out and she never got to like finish it you know what i mean like it could have been one of those like i miss my vibrators like oh why and then she had like a zinger to be like i don't know i don't know what the punchline could have been maybe she bought him like a nice meal like an hour or two beforehand which was costly costly. And she was going to be like, cause it only eats batteries.

Yeah. I mean something, I don't know. I don't know if that's the case. If you're setting up a joke and someone seems upset or leaves the room immediately after sex. And that's not sort of like their go-to move. I would maybe run after and be like,

Hey, just so you know, like it was, I was joking. There was a joke to this. I'm sorry. be like hey just so you know like it was i was joking there was a joke to this i'm sorry i i don't actually you know i'm not forlorn or like you know longing and pining for my vibrator as a alternative to sex with you yeah like i'm definitely the kind of person that has made jokes which have not landed properly or i haven't thought about or like said the thing that like

the second you say you're like damn I realize it'd be taken this way my mouth sometimes just goes when my brain is like I haven't arrived at the scene yet you shouldn't run off without me so these things can happen but at the same time you should also be super aware of like when people are vulnerable i.e naked and post-coital try not to try not to say things like this and there's no point where he says oh yeah and then later on she was like it was a joke lols but like people are fucking weird as we've known throughout this entire podcast we're like he probably didn't bring it up and she was probably like oh no i fucked up i'm not gonna bring it up like best thing to do is pretend that never

happened exactly like i can imagine her side of the the defense of her question being like i made a stupid comment and now you know my boyfriend just left after sex should i like bring it up again you know what i mean like yeah 250 fucking columns being like no never yeah so like i get it i i mean if you want like let's okay let's play in the space in which we've or you know the parameters in which we've been given i think there's no harm in you being like hey so the other day when we had sex you mentioned that you missed your vibrator what did you mean by that because i feel kind of shitty about it and hopefully you know she has a logical explanation for it.

If she is just being like, it fucks me better than you, then maybe you need to address and be like, hey, if you're not satisfied, let's talk about that. But insulting me immediately after sex is not the productive way to do that. Yeah, like the productive way to do that is like, hey, can you try this? hey can you try this i prefer that or like oh harder softer how about here you know any of those things right yeah but dang what about the context okay like what happened to the vibrator this is true right like what do you mean you miss it where'd it go what happened did you did you take it did he take it and throw it away did she lose it did it get

confiscated did it like get submerged in squirt and stop working i i don't know submerge in squirt is probably like my favorite green day album yeah it was uh they're weirdly like the sexual like 98 album god this chair is so wet we're coming in hot and heavy with some... How much did you spill? I mean, I didn't think it was that much, but every time I look down, there seems to be more of it. Dane's just constantly peeing.

Which is fine, because there's no laws. There's a good chance I'm submerged in squirt. So you gotta talk you gotta get to the bottom of this and like let her know that her saying that made you feel like shit and that it sounded like she was you know denigrating your sexual performance and if she's not cool about it then get the fuck out of there if she is cool about it you know hopefully you out of there if she is cool about it you know hopefully you guys can communicate and move on either in a like you know go on a quest to find her missing vibrator or just i don't know get better at sex with each other you know by again

communicating yeah can we also let's let's get this on the table stop running away from your problems you're gonna be like if something has upset you talk to your partner about it it doesn't make any sense to be like oh my partner said something that upset me i'm gonna go to the internet first like if you're if your first course of action isn't to approach your partner wait wait wait wait wait we need people to go to the internet so we have a podcast this is very true you shut the hell up there's always going to be people who would rather get validation from strangers that actually confront their partner about real issues yeah no but like for real if you need a second to like decompress or get your mind straight by all means leave the room take a breath walk around

the block but then go back in and just like don't let it breathe don't let fester because the longer you leave it the harder it is to bring up again and like also the more time they have to make excuses and shit, like if they don't want to be genuine and nice, or if they want to cover their ass, if you actually talk in the moment, maybe you'll actually get more honesty and you'll be able to like breathe because you're taking this weight off your chest and getting it out there. And for better or worse, you're going to move forward. And it's more likely that you'll actually do it because the like the big thing and i think this is true for almost everyone is like the more you put off a harder a hard conversation the harder it is to actually have it oh 100 we always look back at

like things be like ah i should have said that should have said that it's like and then you kind of like start you know biding your time and waiting for the right opportunity to bring it up and then there's never really the right opportunity to bring it up and then like if you wait like a week then it's weird to just be like hey remember this yeah and then you start to tell yourself excuses like oh it's too late now or like oh i guess i got over it like oh be weird of me you know and that's you giving yourself permission to not deal with it but you're not over it yeah and also try to be careful with the things you say when people are, you know, vulnerable. Pre or sorry.

I mean, I guess like any duration in like pre, during or after sex, we're all very, very vulnerable. We're all very self-conscious and hyper aware of sort of like everything that's jiggling and working and, know whatever's happening with their body so our insecures are sort of like at peak at that point unless you've reached like that level of comfort with your partner and hopefully at that the reason you've reached that level is because they haven't said like things like this in the past dropping this kind of these kind of like jabs or barbs or jokes even if they are just jokes um the the chances of people over analyzing it is so high and if it's true like if if you mean this as the girlfriend if she's actually trying to be like yeah you suck at sex one that's shit you're being an asshole two there's a better way to go about it

which is you know asking for what you want and you know being open and honest and three it's like you can also include the vibrator in the bedroom if you want to and four he says i got her off three times before i let mine go which like may again communication if you're faking orgasms or he doesn't actually know when you're coming and all this shit it's like it just seems like you guys are living in two different worlds if that's the case and that is uh takes to the tango situation and the way out is not to turn around and be an asshole can we also just talk about the phrase let mine go honestly i didn't even like register it when i read it initially but when i read it out loud i was like shuddering a little bit and also i think we should adopt it from now till the end of time i mean that, that's the thing. It's like I'm simultaneously disgusted by and...

Enamored. Yeah, enamored. You know what I mean? I just... I love... Hey. Oh, fuck. I'm about to let mine go.

I'm gonna let it rip. It's like you're about to play fucking Beyblades. And I love that idea that, you know, sex is just a real graphic beyblade match on top of the fact it's just the weirdest phrasing it suggests ultimate control and also like just ultimate punishment at the like you know letting something go is sort of like you know you've let the flood gates open and it is a torrent. I saw a video of a man like threatening a police officer who was holding a police dog. And the dog was like raring to go and he was backing off and, you know, holding up the dog.

And eventually things escalated and he let go. And that's all I can imagine in my mind. I was really worried. It's a German shepherd just going to town. Yeah, I was really worried that a story was going to end with someone ejaculating on which one would be the worst yeah it's like i don't know like who ejaculating on who in that situation would be worse but i feel like none of it would be great i think the dog ejaculating on someone would probably be the best because there wouldn't be a malice behind it. Right.

Well, the dog doesn't mean anything bad by it. You know, it would be it would be a comedy like circumstance instead of a sexual assault. I guess we need to move on to the next question. Yeah, this comes from Reddit user. We've also received three more reacts during that question, so... I don't even have that many white... Three more white claws.

I don't have that many white claws. I probably should have told Dane that I was doing this before I did it. This comes from Reddit user Dio's Tits. Dio's Tits? Tio's. Tio's. Tio's Tits? Squiddy's Titties. My's tits Squiddy's titties

Squiddy's titties My vagina pushes him out during orgasm Me and my boyfriend started having sex about two months ago The first time he got pushed out when I orgasmed He has found out that his weight alone isn't going to keep him in He has started to hold himself in but he struggles And he has to fight to stay in me The orgasms are much more intense when he's in me, though.

Is there any way to make my vagina hold him in instead of trying to push him out? I'm a sex and dating advice podcaster. I'm not a magician. Now, I brought this and I understand that we can't really give advice to the lady because we don't have a vagina in which we can sort of give tips and tricks ontogels or or whatever that might actually help you in this situation well it seems like she doesn't need to she needs to anti kegels it's already too powerful i want to bring to light and the reason i brought this in is because like i've been with partners who have done this um and like even it hasn't even been a sort of an orgasm situation just particularly like you know if something feels very good or we're in a specific position, sometimes, you know, like the vaginal walls expand or contract or, you know, move and will push you out or at least like alter your position.

What I want to stress here is don't try like whatever your body is naturally doing. Don't try to alter. And that is to go for both the man and the woman in this situation. One, trying to stay in while being physically pushed out is a really good way to hurt yourself. And like I said, that goes for both sides of things because your body is doing whatever it's doing. And it usually is a combination of muscle contractions, blood swelling, you know, the things that our body does when we orgasm and,

and when we're, you know, aroused. So there are things to do aside from keeping your penis in there, which could get pushed out. And if you're trying to continue to thrust while it's happening, there's a good, like, you don't want to hurt that dick exactly or her because like the the resistance you're meeting is her body yeah so trying to force your way in through there is a good way to cause

some damage to either one of you now i don't know like i have some suggestions. Do you have anything? I have had this happen rarely. And I think a lot of it is like if your dick is on the shallower end when the kind of, you know, momentous clench happens. We're coming up with a lot of really good band names today. So maybe it could be a kind of a communication thing where it's like if you're like fucking them. And again, if it's if it's purely penetrative, you probably don't want them to stop when the orgasm is coming but like if it's penetrative and you know working that clit if she knows it's coming maybe she could like warn him to stay fully in uh you know stop the thrusting and then just like keep fucking like you know playing with the clit. And at that point,

because you're further in, there's like a lot less to force out and he might stay in if that's what she needs. Or maybe replace it with a finger. Again, you don't want to hurt the woman, but it's like a finger is a lot more rigid and workable. And it's like, if you're wet enough and whatnot,

maybe that could serve as a good kind of like replacement. Yes, that was going to be my suggestion is replacing like if it's if you get pushed out uh via you know body just doing its thing a finger is far more dexterous it has way more points of you know articulation you can bend them you can sort of move them around any sort of obstruction like literal bone you still don't want to cause any damage to her um but you with your fingers you can still like provide pleasure with proper fingering technique and this might take some work some practice some

communication um but i think it is a far safer alternative than just trying to jam your dick into a place that is obviously not big enough anymore for you. At least temporarily. Like there's no harm in, you know, fingering her to assist or enhance her orgasm. And then once she's calmed down a bit, reentering. That is a completely cool thing to do a completely fine thing to do um if everyone's on board of course exactly yeah so talk to your partner and and suggest these alternatives suggest trying them out if they work they work if they don't they don't um and unfortunately it's like if ejection is going to happen even though it might feel better

to keep him inside and orgasms and orgasms and orgasm i really don't think that it's like if ejection is going to happen even though it might feel better to keep him inside and orgasms and orgasms and orgasm i really don't think that it's going to ruin your orgasm and if it does then you guys really need to figure out something perhaps have a toy nearby that won't do any damage to either one of you um you need to work together in this and realize that like the body's going to do what the body's going to do and you need to like first and foremost and like one of the most important things about sex is like listening to those physical cues yeah and again like i think the most chance you have of not coming out is if you're in as far as you can go but like to do that like there's there's no magic to be able to like get that just at that point so you'd probably have to make sure you're in as far as you can go as you approach orgasm.

And if you're getting it from the thrusting, then that's not going to work. But if it's, again, like a medley of other shit, then yeah, if you can be cognizant of that time and communicate and be like, okay, I just want you to press yourself up, stop thrusting, keep rubbing, and then just like you want to come around his dick? Hell yeah, go for it. You know, again, if that still forces him out or hurts him, you got to find another way to do it. Also, you can experiment with positions because I found like nine times out of 10 times I've experienced this has been in doggy style. And usually when is that with their legs close together? It's usually when they're standing. So yeah, which which would be close enough, I assume. Yeah, I mean, like, it depends on the woman.

Sometimes it would be, like, a wide stance. Sometimes it would be depending on, like, how tall they were. Yeah. And the bed we were, or, you know, the surface we were having sex on. So, like, there are options. If it is sort of like a bent-over bed situation, try lifting one leg, and that will give you a bit more clearance to shift your body either to the left or the right to, you know, hopefully try to get in. I know some people kind of are like, I only orgasm through penetrative sex in like this or this position and like this sort of like stroke. And that's fine.

Cool. Even then, like most positions have a variety of ways to do that position. Like that might not necessarily change it. I know like for me, the most times I've felt like resistance is when like the legs are like fully together because that kind of simulates like extra tightness or whatever. Yeah. Play around with that.

But you know, there are ways to work around this, you know, the big c word communicate make sure one don't make him feel bad for when this happens like it's gonna happen if it happens it happens don't be like oh i need you inside me like that sucks and and especially if it's like a physical impossibility for him uh especially if it's like your body doing the ejecting you know what i mean like so don't

don't try to guilt anyone don't get hung up on it either roll with the punches if it works it works if it doesn't it doesn't you'll be fine work through it communicate be a partner you know what i mean like be be a team this is a team sport yeah 100 like you don't want to be shitty and as dane said like an orgasm is an orgasm. You know what I mean? Yeah, it could be better, but if it transcends the realm of physicality and possibility with your partner, a slightly less good orgasm is good enough.

That's the thing. If I ever orgasm through a blowjob, I often have to be like, okay, no more. Stop touching me because I physically can't handle the amount of sensation. There's a point after when you're coming there's like a very brief window where more feels good and you definitely don't want to lose that but then it very quickly switches to oh more is awful stop i'm sure if i could power through it this sensation would be incredible but like i don't

want to power you know i mean like hey I honestly don't think that's true maybe but it's sort of the same thing of being like you know I have to physically be like okay this is this is as good as it's gonna get because this is as good as my body's gonna let it get so I think you have enough here to hopefully

move forward with this and and work together as a team to figure out a solution. And I wish you the best, because it sounds like you guys are doing a great job. Alright, you ready for this? Yep. This is kind of weird. But it was, you know, front page of Reddit, 25,000 upvotes,

every fucking award in the book. This is on AskMan. And you know what? Given the month in question, let's do it. As a straight man, how do you feel when a gay guy compliments you in a non-sexual way? As a gay man, I love throwing compliments at men. Straight or gay, I love boosting their confidence and letting them know how attractive they are, again in a non-sexual way. I was at Starbucks one time and I complimented this dude's coat and asked him where he got it from. He seemed pretty weirded out by it and his girlfriend, I think, looked up at him

with a what the fuck type of smirk as if I asked to suck his dick. And that really annoyed me. Is that weird to give other men compliments? I don't come off as too gay either, which I don't think should make a difference. I'm not really looking to get anything out, out it, out of it, I guess with maybe an exception or two.

Hey, I'm human, but yeah, what are your thoughts? And the reason why I said it was strange is just because the comments are all over the place. So this is something that I tread the line of as well. Like where I think I don't really do it to strangers. But when I'm at work and like regardless of gender.

But like, you know, if someone comes in looking great, I try to tell them. Because like I would love that. Personally, you know what I mean? Like if someone was to be like, damn, you're looking great. Or I love that shirt on you. Or whatever. You know what I mean? Like if someone was to be like, damn, you're looking great. Or I love that shirt on you or whatever. You know what I mean? Like your beard looks incredible today. Any of those compliments like can make or break people's day.

You have no idea what they've been dealing with prior to the time you've met them. And for all you know, like they really need it. So as long as again, like complimenting someone's coat and asking where you got them. So harmless. Absolutely nothing wrong with that if you're you know if you're like hey your tits look great today or hey your butt looks great in those pants today depending on your relationship with the person that might be okay but with strangers or you know co-workers whatever there's a line and i think it's pretty obvious where that line is drawn well it should be at least yeah and hopefully should be like there are friends that i work with who i would be like

hey ass looks great today and i know they would take that as me not hitting on them but as as intended yeah exactly um and then there are also people who i work with who i would never say that to because i know they would probably be really upset by it and that's just like you know getting to know people but i think like one of my favorite things to do when back when we could go out and see random people were to pay people compliments so it's unfortunate that i mean like this is just straight up homophobia that's yeah that was kind of like the reason why i like felt weird about it up. It's because you shouldn't even need to. And it's funny because he edits and says, I guess I didn't need to say what a gay guy compliments you.

It's irrelevant. Blah, blah, blah. It's like, yeah, fuck it. If a gay person compliments you and you feel upset, especially when it's in a non-sexual way, then you're probably just a homophobe. This might be homophobic in and of itself, but if a gay dude compliments me

why like that means more to me oh hell yeah i don't know like i'm i'm really sorry like i think it's just like there's like a i don't know like i yeah i don't know if that's a problematic thing to say and i feel like there is something in there that probably is but like if a if a stranger i i mean like it's hard to be like i know you're gay but you know sometimes it's obvious if someone came up to me and was like damn you know you look good or i love that shirt or your style's on point or whatever it's like that would make my week as opposed to my day for me it's like if it comes from someone who themselves is stylish or like has their shit together and they said it to me i would trust their opinion

more and often gay people have crazy good style you know what i mean yeah so again maybe that's that's a generalization but it's a good one i guess and yeah like again i love it if someone says something nice to me and again another thing about why i was weird about bringing this is like i don't want this to be then translated into like, hey, guys, go compliment women in a weird way and expect them to be chill about it. Like, oh, it's a fucking compliment. Because it's very different in terms of one non-sexual way. If someone's like, hey, I love that shirt.

And you're talking to someone and you're not being weird. And you're like, oh, I love that shirt. That's probably going to go okay. Whereas like most catcalling and like weird comments that women get are not like that at all so yeah i don't want anybody to make that weird correlation but no i like it's really nice especially as guys like the compliment well is very dry you know you might get a drip every few weeks especially like other like guys and again another part of this is like straight guys to other straight guys to your friends or to fucking strangers should feel more open about giving compliments like this and a lot

of people don't and a lot of people feel weird seeing it yeah i mean like we've told stories about you know our friend group who are very very sort of affectionate physically and, you know, supportive in terms of compliments. Emotionally. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, and people get fucking real weird about that real fast. And these are people also like,

there are people who like, we don't really know, but then there are also people who are like, we need more men who do, you know, like post all this shit on Facebook and Instagram. But the second they actually encounter it, like the amount of times,

again, I'm pretty sure we talked about this when I hang up the phone with pretty much you or any of our other guy friends, I say, love you. You know what I mean? Like, love you.

Bye. It's not just me. No, it's not just you. Sorry, buddy. Whatever. We say it all the time.

I'm joking. I'm joking. But like people get fucking real weird about that. It's, it's something, and this isn't really sex and dating and related but it is super related to toxic masculinity well i think like it is part of the reason why men are not as good as they could be because it's like they're cut off from areas of like you know

validation and support and blah blah and they look to women for all of that, which is why they come on like a fucking freight train. And it's like, maybe if your edges were rounded out a little bit by the fact that being able to talk to your friends about your problems and your, you know, whatever, and having your friends be able to like, love you and you love them in a way that doesn't make you feel like you're, you know, sacrificing your fucking masculinity. Like maybe they wouldn't then hang every single thing on a woman and then expect the world from them you know and that's the thing i think it's like you're putting so much importance on women and it's so unfair because you should be able to get that from other parts of your life yeah and i would say that like the things that you quote unquote need should be the from your platonic relationships you know what i mean like i think that support and validation and compliments and

all that stuff should be sort of like your friend's responsibility when when it's genuine to do that you know what i mean like i love telling people that they look great or i love telling people that like something they're doing is working and I love it when I can say that genuinely and I rarely say things that are genuine you know what I mean like I don't like saying like if I know someone is having a rough day and haven't really put a whole lot of effort into their appearance I hate being like you look great today because it's so fucking fake thing is often the only reason you do that is to help them and it's like if they know that's not true it does the opposite right yeah because you're being condescended to or they're like pander and just like you feel kind of belittled but like the amount of times i have complimented someone and

like their reaction nine times out of ten whenever i say like oh you look great today women or like my co-workers are usually like i showered like that's their explanation um and like that's fine but like and like i say it hopefully like hoping to brighten their day or like increase their spirits and i do the same thing for like dudes as well back when i used to back when again when the world existed i would be at coffee shops and stuff like and if i saw someone who was just fucking rocking it in a line or whatever i would sometimes sometimes be like, I'd like, I love that shirt. Or there were times where I,

I heard people have a, uh, fantasy Costco, which is from the adventure zone ringtone in, uh, when I was traveling in new Orleans and like, hell yeah. Had a huge fucking like conversation about it.

And like, hopefully that conversation would be like, you're fucking awesome. I like, it's so cool to meet you. Hopefully that made them feel, you know what I mean? Like like it stuck with me so hopefully it's stuck with them it's funny because like i like doing that again as you say like in a genuine way but i feel so much more confident doing it to guys because i don't want to feel like i'm putting a woman in a bad position i mean so i will definitely say it to guys more

you know i mean like in work like someone came in with a sick like blue silk dragon shirt which is funny because most people wearing that would look like a fucking dumb ass and this person just looked great and i was like damn like i would love hey i would love that shirt and i could go buy one but if i put it on i would look so. And this person just rocked it. And I'm like, hell yeah, I love the shirt. And they were chill, you know, but it's like other people come in. I'm like, I don't want to say something in case you think I'm being weird. But anyway, I think, hell yeah, accept the compliments if they're nice and if they're well-meaning.

But like, again, on the whole catcall thing, it's like it just because you're complimenting someone from your point of view doesn't mean it is a compliment or that someone should take it well it's an indication that like men typically only compliment women when they're attracted to them so it's like the vis-a-vis sort of like you know transposing it being like this guy's complimenting me so he's gotta be into me it's like yeah no let like, let's take a step away from that. And just realize that as human beings, we can be nice to each other without wanting it without any ulterior motives. Yeah. This comes from Reddit user. Help me.

F's. And then a bunch of numbers. I, a male 20 year old, told her female 21 year old. I didn't want to join their family vacation since I don't know them. Now she's mad. I started seeing this girl not long ago. I think we met like barely two months ago. It's first time ever I've really considered something more serious and I could definitely see myself with this girl. Today we met and I could see she was extremely excited about something. I asked her what's up. Then she asked me if I'd like to go

with her and her family for vacation in about three weeks time keep in mind i've never met them i tell her it sounds really fun and all but i don't know how i feel about traveling with them as i don't know them more precise i say i usually want to know someone or some people really well before i go on a trip like this she then says something like i mean you know me to which point i say i also barely know her so since i said that she barely talks to me and says i'm a jerk i don't know i feel like i've done nothing wrong just express my feelings and been honest damn this is a good question yeah because like okay going okay going to see someone's family that early at all it's big. Yeah. And it's pretty awkward.

It's pretty tough. Going on a trip with someone's family ever is pretty big. Yeah. And it's pretty tough. Um, so I, okay, let's just say this guy,

I'm going to say it right now. He's totally in the right. However, this poor girl, God bless her heart, probably asked her family, Oh, can I bring this guy? And was really

excited. And hey, fair fucks to the family. They were like, yeah, bring him. And that's a really nice situation out of context. And for her to have asked, because there's no way she didn't ask before she asked him, and then to ask him and then have that rejected is like a really embarrassing and really tough situation. Even though I think she definitely jumped the gun by doing it, but it also shows that she really likes the guy if she wants him to do this. But like now for her, she has to go back to her family and do all this shit, which I get,

I know it sucks. So it's like, it's spicy because I get it on both sides of the whole thing. It's like, I think he's entirely in the right, but I see where she's coming from. And it's sweet in its own way. And it's tough now, too. I think where he misstepped was the I barely know.

Yeah, I think that was his big misstep. I think if he had handled that part of the conversation better, I think he would be OK. Hopefully, most people realize. That meeting parents is a big deal. Especially as a dude. Because there are certain. Expectations of you. And there is a certain scrutiny of you.

That I don't know that ladies get. And correct me if I'm wrong. Again I'm not a lady. So I've never really experienced it. But I feel like most people are just happy. That their sons are with someone nice. I have gotten like some really weird shit off girlfriends, dads, like real, like almost like pseudo aggressive or not even suit. Sorry, actually aggressive, but like pseudo threatening behavior and like weird challenges and like almost like abuse you know what i mean

like where it's like you have to like grin and bear it and eventually they're like oh he's all right and it's like that's not really cool where it's like and again i can only really speak for my family or like what i've heard other people go through it's like sometimes girls have issues like or at least again the situations i know of it's like sometimes the mom can be a little bit weird at the start, but I've never heard the same kind of like, you know, testing mentality where it's like, you know, the dad's like, hey, go do this thing that's a manly chore. And if you can't, I'll abuse you. And while you do it, I'll critique you. And if you do it, we'll see. Yeah. I mean, like almost every one of, save for my, you know, Amanda's parents on both sides, because, you know, they're separated and have, you know, their own respective partners. Like Amanda's dad nor her stepdad have ever.

And this is the big thing that pretty much all of the other dads have done were be like, Oh, you do this, you make money on that. And it's usually like, you know, either podcasting or filmmaking or whatever. Spoiler warning.

We don't. But it was always like, there's always sort of the expectation of like that weird sort of like 15 century being like, how are you going to like provide for my daughter? As if like, we aren't both desperately working to pay rent. And it's,

it's kind of like, I don't think, and again, I've only ever had the experience of, of a dude meeting women's parents and women meeting my parents who, like I said before, I could bring the parents are the loveliest you that's the thing is i could bring literally anyone home and they would be the nicest to them so so i i have a

bit of a bias on that end but i don't think it's unreasonable for like even if like amanda's uh was like oh do you i think we're supposed to go to a timeshare or something and i was like that's a long time to spend with your parents and again i love her parents they're incredible they're they're so cool they're they're my people right like i i get along really really well with them but this like there is still sort of and i've been with her for i think five or six years now and there is still sort of that like whoo that that much time with your parents, huh? Yeah. Cause the thing is, it's like, just because you're like, they are close and you're close to them. It's, it doesn't like complete the triangle.

It doesn't mean you're automatically close to them, which is what I love about what's her name in this situation saying, oh, you know me. It's like, yeah, cool. But like, and I'm sure he didn't mean i don't know you i'm sure what he meant was like yeah we're still new enough but even then it's like i could know someone real fucking well and then meet their parents be like wow these are nothing like you like there's no equivalence there or still feel uncomfortable you know i mean it's like that's the thing it's like yeah i know you i know you very well because we fuck i'm not gonna fuck your parents like there's no line between me knowing you and me

being okay with them right a lot of people are cool in spite of their parents you know what i mean a lot of people are cool because of their parents and no matter which way it goes they're still not the same fucking people and you still don't have a relationship with them and you also don't like don't know the situation of what the vacation is like i mean i guess you could but like imagine being in a shared hotel room with your girlfriend's parent like oh hey i've done that not great that sounds like fucking actually and like we're just in bed and like i don't even want to move because what if me moving in bed sounds like i'm doing something it's like damn, damn. So I think the important thing, like the way I would have handled this would have been like, I would really like to prefer to meet your parents first in a more relaxed setting in which we're not together, you know, 24-7 or for a prolonged period of time.

It's like, you know, we're a new couple. I feel like this might be a little too soon i really appreciate the offer it's very sweet and it's super fucking cool of your parents to be cool with this um but like let me take them out for dinner like when you guys get back from vacation let me take you guys out for dinner and let like let's actually meet them prior to going on a big trip like this because i'm the same way with just people you know what i mean like there are people who i'm if they were like, hey, let's go on like a one week vacation.

I'd be like, can I handle you for a full week? Well, that's the thing. Also like people you travel with, like it's so different to hanging out with, like being with someone like 24 seven and like having to deal with like not having every luxury and honestly space,

you know, at your fingertips. It's crazy. You know what I mean? Even like good friends sometimes cannot travel together. Yeah. So to then travel with complete strangers in this very bizarre power dynamic, he should have been, you know, like, Hey, this is really cool that you asked really cool that they said yes. And like, obviously I would love to go, but like, I don't really want to be in a position where like, you know, I don't know them. And I think it would be better to get to know them first. And maybe later on we can do this, but you know, I hope you have a really good holiday. And like, obviously I would love to travel with you, but I just don't feel like the time

is right kind of deal. Absolutely. All right. You ready for some tenders? Let's do some tenders. At the end of the episode, we'd like to peruse online dating and take a look at people's profiles and point out some red flags, what works, what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience more enjoyable. So take a look at Rita here because my husband says he doesn't care about me anymore. And I actually moved here because of him.

So I have no friends. Clown emoji. We are breaking up. I'm looking for zero drama people with happy little calm lives i love the ocean invite me to the beach offer me a job not here for sex i also want to have a baby next year and form a lovely little family 100 mexican lived in canada for seven years i hmm i don't know if you understand how babies are made, but you do need to have sex for that. So I don't know if you're just throwing it out there as a fun tidbit.

I mean, technically, you don't need to have sex to have a baby. But this is a very strange, like, end your relationship. Don't get on Tinder and just sort of, like, live in this state of limbo. Like, the whole thing is a red flag of me being like, I don't want to deal with any of this. Because that's the thing. It's like, if you have broken up with your husband, cut the fact that he says he doesn't care about you anymore. Cut the fact that you moved here because of him and have no friends. Cut the cloud post emoji.

Cut the we are breaking up because that is a shit ton of baggage to just you know launch into someone's face the second they look at your like thing maybe quit the offer me a nice job because what are you looking for here maybe get the baby thing maybe quit the... If we got rid of everything that was problematic, we would have I'm looking for zero drama people with happy little calm lives. I love the ocean. Invite me to the beach.

That's a bad profile. Yeah. It's not the worst that we've seen, but it's not a good one. It's probably six times better than it currently is, but still not great. Oh, and then I guess 100% Mexican lived in Canada for seven years. I'm going to give it a zero.

Yeah, I don't like any of it, so I will give it a zero as well. Because it's so much trauma and baggage and bullshit. And then it's also like, let's have a kid next year. What? I feel like no relationship should have a kid next year. Yeah, exactly. I'm sorry, but. She could just be saying that independently of dating because you can have a child with a.

True. Right. And the fact that you're saying it, even if you want to adopt, the fact that you're saying it here when you're looking for a partner implies that you're looking for someone to be part of that which is still a little soon after a year yes so that that's a zero for me as well this is rochelle just one fuck boy away from joining christian mingle adventurous positive outgoing and independent work and in school let's have a fun summer some of your best stand-up recommendations amateur baker and chef dog cat mom and avle Doer. Send me a and it looks like an octopus emoji

for a would you rather question. You know what? I was alright with it at the start and it just got better from there. I'm going to give it like an 8 out of 10. I really don't get to send me a question or like an octopus for a would you rather question. Hey, maybe it's just like give me an octopus

and I'll give you this. And the thing is I like that they've included an opener i like that they've included some shit about themselves the like one fuck by away from christian mingle it's funny yeah it's it's not bitter enough for me to like leave a bad taste in my mouth i was ready to be bad or like to be weird about it but like it actually seems pretty innocent and like they give enough about themselves they seem fun like i like it and it's you know what dang it's refreshing to have a good tinder on here that's why i brought it are you ready for their name is cut off in what i was sent so okay so let me guess you like dogs more than humans you love traveling and adventure sarcasm is your second language wine and netflix are mainstays. You're always looking for the best pizza.

You hate writing anything in your bio. You super liked me by accident. Insert Instagram and Venmo here. Swipe right if you're not basic. I mean, it's a bad profile, but like, they ain't wrong. They ain't wrong. But at the same time, that's what we do. We mock them.

You have to actually give something, right? Yeah. We don't have to end every segment by being like, so I'm Niall. I like to swim. I love blue cheese. You know, we don't have to do that. Do you actually like blue cheese? I fucking love blue cheese, man.

That's fair. You're right. Gorgonzola. I don't know. Because anyone I know who doesn't like blue cheese, who's tried Gorgonzola, has really liked it. Because usually in bars and shit, especially in Toronto, when they're like, oh, blue cheese, it's just like this generic shitty blue cheese.

It's like the blue cheese dressing. Yeah. Or even just like, yeah, it's garbage. Anyway, continue. Yeah. Again, it's tough because everything they're saying is correct. And like problems with other profiles but that doesn't make your profile good all you've done is point out red flags of other profiles by

and then also inadvertently throwing a red flag on yours by like the funny thing is they have this list of like you know basic shit but like the the next thing on the list is just doing this oh let me guess you're bitter about things that regularly pop up it's like yeah that's what you're doing dude it's like a two yeah like there's humor but there's absolutely nothing yeah i get yeah it's it's one of those things where like again you're not wrong but at the same time what about you tell me something about you i need to know something otherwise you're just being like these are all the things i just it's like okay great sure we can all point those out

but it's like i'm swiping no to all those people and you've given me nothing on top of it yeah to be so judgmental and then also not show why you are in any way better. It's just wild. Yeah. You got one? I do. This is Jason. Okay.

I spend too much time on pickup lines. Interests include pasta, murder mysteries, contemplative sci-fi, hikes, psychology, neuroscience, good, bad puns, gin, socks, spicy food, poetry. Spend more time deciding what to watch than watching the thing, seeing my favorite bands live, and talking to any dog I find. Looking to meet fellow writers and creatives all around the world. Nerd face. Handshake, nerd face.

You read that list really quick, but I don't think I could ever date someone who actively likes socks. Yeah. That seems strange to me. That's a good point. I didn't think about that. Does this man not have a personality and has to pretend he has one and like he just was just was like, socks do normal.

It sounds like an alien trying to be a human. Do humans like socks? I will say, and this might change your opinion. He's a very stylish man. He's I have no doubt about that. But I also feel like that's too overbearing. I think I mean, like his sock game is pretty on point. He has pictures of his socks?

Well, it's a lot of full body pictures. And I will also say there are pictures of him barefoot or like in sandals without socks. So socks don't seem to be his whole thing? I don't know. It kind of kind of wigged me out. Because I feel like it's just a strange thing

to be super into. But also I like when people are super into strange things. But I just also feel that Socks has no scope to that. It's like, I like Socks. Damn, we can't do anything with that. Yeah, I mean, it's not enough for me to be upset about. No, I give this also an 8. Yeah, I'm going to say the same thing.

I'm going to give it an 8 because I feel like I could have a real good conversation with this dude. Obviously, I wouldn't date him because I'm gonna say the same thing I'm gonna give it an 8 because I feel like I could have a real good conversation with this dude obviously wouldn't date him because I'm straight but like there's nothing there's nothing there that like initially gives me any I don't think there's any red flags like the sock thing is a funny joke I came up with

but um yeah no and also I do love that there's a list of shit that they like because they sound like a real human with interests unlike most people up with but um yeah no and also i do love that there's a list of shit that they like because they sound like a real human with interests and it's also specific stuff yes yeah he's not saying like i like food he's saying spicy food great yeah he likes gin cool you know what i mean contemplative sci-fi great i like he's narrowing things down and i think that's that's enough to sort of like really zero in and have a conversation as opposed to like if someone's just like i like drinking with my friends i like clothes and food

yeah i like feeling happy and when the weather is good and i don't like traffic and being stabbed in the face so yeah all of us are like that yeah no i think that's actually a really good point is like be specific. Show who you are. Don't be fucking vague, because no one can work with that. I have two left. One is a real-life poster found on a light post in Leslieville, and one is a Tinder profile. I have no idea what the first thing you said is. A poster found on a light post in Leslieville?

Great, okay. I understand that now. Which would you like first uh give me the lizleyville okay uh so this is again found in toronto single woman 51 years old divorced loves to work out traveling good wine full-time job with benefits loves cucking walks looking for single fit man aged 18 to 25 non-smoker social drinker no head games or lies call me and their number is right there damn i was gonna say i have the perfect person because there's someone in parkdale who's like is it 20 i think so in and around the same age looking for like a lovely young or a lovely woman to go for walks and shit and i was like great this is perfect let's hook this man up but then she's like nah i want them young the most she will go is less than half her age yeah it's like she wants that

fresh fresh meat she doesn't want that old stuff no she's inspired she wants lean young tender meat are we writing this why not well you know what fuck it i'm gonna give this a i'm gonna give it a seven because at the end of the day she knows what she wants she doesn't seem to be particularly toxic that's the thing it's like you know she does lay out what she wants and she lays out who she is you know doesn't quite have the same specificity of the gentleman we just dealt with but like you get the vibes i wouldn't call her because i don't have a picture of her unless there is a picture there is no picture it is also written with like permanent marker on a blank piece of paper yes which i'm sure was photocopied at a fucking like

7-eleven uh here's the thing i think she would find you know, unless there's some physical things happening that no, even then, I think she would be able to corner a market on online dating. Whether she got on fucking Cougar Life, if that's still a thing, or OkCupid or Tinder or Hinge or whatever. I think she would find plenty of people who are into her. Because you remember fucking

I don't remember his name, but the male model who was like looking for an older woman. Oh yeah. Hashtag MILFs rule. Hashtag MILFs rule. You had trouble with that sentence. Shut up. Guys, you've done it.

Your white claws have gotten to him. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like I don't recommend posting your number for all and sundry to, you know, take. So maybe for for this person my only red flag is that you just stuck in a four piece of paper on the pole maybe maybe look at online dating and finally we have margo getting lost in the supermarket as a child was scarring my mama would drowning out my pleas for help that's fantastic that's an instant like for me that might actually be a super like for me yeah that's a 10 right there yeah that's perfect all right guys it's been an absolute pleasure we love you maybe next week you can poison dame white cause again i'll post up some other random shit and we'll just bully him via the medium of Instagram.

Yeah, I'm not crazy about the cyberbullying that happened this week, but I'm also not super against it. Because White Claws, guys, I don't want to fucking say it, but it's a hot boy summer. And I think White Claws are going to be a mainstay in my drinks that I consume places to enjoy alcohol. That you consume places to enjoy what? Thank you very much for listening. We super appreciate you guys spending your time with us. We know, you know,

with the world opening up again, everyone's time is diminished. We're all working again. We're all doing things again. And it means the world to us that you've chosen to spend an hour of your time hanging out with us. We love you and thank you very much. 100%. Every time I see

or hear or there's any interaction, it just fucking warms my heart. You guys are the best. And honestly, I know everyone always says we have the best fucking fans. Like you guys are the best people. Every interaction we've had with you guys is absolutely golden it's been a long fucking time and that hasn't changed so props to you guys for just

being the best people and i like that we've amassed a little crew of great people yeah it's it's it's so nice to foster a community and like unfortunately you guys don't seem to need our advice at least not at least not the extreme advice that we tend to give but we're always here for you so if you do need a question answered or if you do have a quandary that you need solved uh please head over to fbuddiespodcast.com you can find our contact form you can set your own agent name to keep you completely anonymous and we will address your question as soon as we can and hopefully set you on the right path to a sexy and happy and healthy relationship or future and thank you josh eagle and the harvard cities for their songs paper stars

there's some bad sex writing for me uh yeah this is a this is a little brief one from uh stephen markley and uh this is about a bartender so you you know how it is. Yep. Have to do better than that. She had a sharp nose that had looked prettier in her teenage days. Large breasts threatened to bust from the U-cut black shirt she wore, the cleavage vibrating in a gelatinous way as she poured whiskey and snagged the hose that dispensed soda. That's, nope, nope. That's how it works.

It is, though. I thought you were going to say she was going gonna be shaking a cocktail which no i get it and even then it would be like vibrating in the gelatinous way it would be like over the top like red curtain bullshit yeah but like just holding the hose pouring whiskey pouring whiskey and then pressing a button on a fucking soda gun absolutely not that does nothing that's why my abs are just so defined right now it's because like it's like those vibrating machines i fucking wish you know me fucking cocktails i shake on a nightly basis i wish that got me fucking ripped but do you wobble gelatinously i'm not ripped so yes i do

thank you very much for listening. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we've been your fuck buddies.